Yeah, because he doesn't trust other people enough to open up and express himself.
He has probably had perfectly valid reasons to protect himself in that way.
People don't develop those coping strategies randomly.
Yeah, I guess this is me desperately groping for an explanation other than, "He doesn't feel comfortable opening up in front of his own parents." I mean I sympathize, I don't trust my parents either. It was just the dying hope that my in-laws might be different.
It could be that he's just more comfortable around you guys. I find I'm much more expressive or animated around my close circle of people I'm comfortable with. And it can be more around some than others. Like my sister makes me the most comfortable in most scenarios so I'm the most loud around her lol. Other times I can be very quiet.
I read this and immediately thought of my sister. Me and my partner autistic and spend a lot of time with my sister, who is also autistic. She can be very blank around my parents and her step brother, who she really doesn't get along with. When we pick her up to come to our house, she lights up and is giggling and more expressive. I know for her she can be very annoyed both our step mom and step brother. They talk about her in front of her or say things about my step brother should work with my sister or my sister should drive him to school because my step mom is trying to create more socializing but my sister does not want that so she just doesn't react. It's louder around them and more overstimulating. I think she just has more energy and interest with us.
I'm interesting to keep up with this forum and see what others say! Thanks for sharing! I understand. It's hard to merge families and not be able to curate the dynamic you imagined.
They sound obnoxious and I'm not surprised she shuts them out! My in-laws are also ableist, which I guess in hindsight is the obvious explanation that I was futilely trying to deny. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I had a minute of hoping I'd married into one that didn't traumatize its kids.
my partner and i struggle with that! wishing we had these talkative, fun family gatherings- but neither of our family our people who would choose to be around. it's very special to be close to younger siblings though! it's really nice you spend time with your BIL away from the family to get to have those kinds of connections with him.
I won’t say that I completely hid my emotions. I would say that I’m not very emotionally labile.
I see that extreme emotional responses makes a person vulnerable because it overwhelms their capacity to think rationally. The emotions tend to evoke reflexive responses that are often unsuitable for any given situation.
When I’m around those that I trust, I’m much freer in expressing my emotions. Due to the shared sense of trust, I’m comfortable that nobody will try to abuse or exploit me and others understand that if I overstep boundaries, I have no ill intent.
Concerning your BiL, I wouldn’t necessarily attribute his blank expression as a lack of emotions, although it appears to play a big role. It could be due to his personality or, as you suspect, trauma, or something else.
I suggest that you stop trying to pathologize him and accept him for who he is and just find a way to relate with each other. It’s much easier to approach someone without any preconceived notions about who or what someone is than it is to apply labels and limit yourself with speculative notions.
I added an edit to my post. I *never* attributed it to a lack of emotions, and I have always accepted him for who he is. I don't have trouble relating to him--we haven't interacted that much, but I just respect him and his boundaries and don't judge. I'm also autistic and working on unmasking.
When I talk about not having married into a healthy family, I was thinking of his parents. I was hoping to find an explanation other than "Yes, they are indeed that terrible, that their own son doesn't feel comfortable around them, and they might be so bad that he might have opened up to me **because I withdrew from them**." They're definitely ableist against my husband, but I kind of hoped they might have been decent and competent parents to *one* of their autistic kids.
I'm a lot like that. Totally blank around people I don't know well enough or people I don't feel safe expressing myself around (have some family in both of those camps sadly), Funnily enough my brother and his girlfriend are also some of the only people I feel comfortable opening up a bit more around.
It can be hard to even understand what and why you're doing when you shut down or mask really heavily. I didn't really get it myself until recently (even though I was diagnosed when i was young! it was just something that didn't get talked about in the family ever and i didnt start educating myself until recently). Just a few months ago I had a conversation with my brother and his girlfriend trying to explain that I felt so awkward and lost in like 90% of social interactions, but i had just zero idea what i was even doing or why i was doing it so it was really hard to articulate it to them.
meh, being one of 9 siblings would probably have scarred me for life.
birth order can make a big difference. if he's first born maybe he was parentified and forced to look after the younger kids a lot.
was he somewhere in the middle where he found it better to just be ignored?
or maybe just being around too many people just causes him to clam up and avoid being noticed if at all possible?
Yeah, because he doesn't trust other people enough to open up and express himself. He has probably had perfectly valid reasons to protect himself in that way. People don't develop those coping strategies randomly.
Yeah, I guess this is me desperately groping for an explanation other than, "He doesn't feel comfortable opening up in front of his own parents." I mean I sympathize, I don't trust my parents either. It was just the dying hope that my in-laws might be different.
It could be that he's just more comfortable around you guys. I find I'm much more expressive or animated around my close circle of people I'm comfortable with. And it can be more around some than others. Like my sister makes me the most comfortable in most scenarios so I'm the most loud around her lol. Other times I can be very quiet.
I read this and immediately thought of my sister. Me and my partner autistic and spend a lot of time with my sister, who is also autistic. She can be very blank around my parents and her step brother, who she really doesn't get along with. When we pick her up to come to our house, she lights up and is giggling and more expressive. I know for her she can be very annoyed both our step mom and step brother. They talk about her in front of her or say things about my step brother should work with my sister or my sister should drive him to school because my step mom is trying to create more socializing but my sister does not want that so she just doesn't react. It's louder around them and more overstimulating. I think she just has more energy and interest with us. I'm interesting to keep up with this forum and see what others say! Thanks for sharing! I understand. It's hard to merge families and not be able to curate the dynamic you imagined.
They sound obnoxious and I'm not surprised she shuts them out! My in-laws are also ableist, which I guess in hindsight is the obvious explanation that I was futilely trying to deny. I grew up in a very dysfunctional family and I had a minute of hoping I'd married into one that didn't traumatize its kids.
my partner and i struggle with that! wishing we had these talkative, fun family gatherings- but neither of our family our people who would choose to be around. it's very special to be close to younger siblings though! it's really nice you spend time with your BIL away from the family to get to have those kinds of connections with him.
I won’t say that I completely hid my emotions. I would say that I’m not very emotionally labile. I see that extreme emotional responses makes a person vulnerable because it overwhelms their capacity to think rationally. The emotions tend to evoke reflexive responses that are often unsuitable for any given situation. When I’m around those that I trust, I’m much freer in expressing my emotions. Due to the shared sense of trust, I’m comfortable that nobody will try to abuse or exploit me and others understand that if I overstep boundaries, I have no ill intent. Concerning your BiL, I wouldn’t necessarily attribute his blank expression as a lack of emotions, although it appears to play a big role. It could be due to his personality or, as you suspect, trauma, or something else. I suggest that you stop trying to pathologize him and accept him for who he is and just find a way to relate with each other. It’s much easier to approach someone without any preconceived notions about who or what someone is than it is to apply labels and limit yourself with speculative notions.
I added an edit to my post. I *never* attributed it to a lack of emotions, and I have always accepted him for who he is. I don't have trouble relating to him--we haven't interacted that much, but I just respect him and his boundaries and don't judge. I'm also autistic and working on unmasking. When I talk about not having married into a healthy family, I was thinking of his parents. I was hoping to find an explanation other than "Yes, they are indeed that terrible, that their own son doesn't feel comfortable around them, and they might be so bad that he might have opened up to me **because I withdrew from them**." They're definitely ableist against my husband, but I kind of hoped they might have been decent and competent parents to *one* of their autistic kids.
I'm a lot like that. Totally blank around people I don't know well enough or people I don't feel safe expressing myself around (have some family in both of those camps sadly), Funnily enough my brother and his girlfriend are also some of the only people I feel comfortable opening up a bit more around. It can be hard to even understand what and why you're doing when you shut down or mask really heavily. I didn't really get it myself until recently (even though I was diagnosed when i was young! it was just something that didn't get talked about in the family ever and i didnt start educating myself until recently). Just a few months ago I had a conversation with my brother and his girlfriend trying to explain that I felt so awkward and lost in like 90% of social interactions, but i had just zero idea what i was even doing or why i was doing it so it was really hard to articulate it to them.
meh, being one of 9 siblings would probably have scarred me for life. birth order can make a big difference. if he's first born maybe he was parentified and forced to look after the younger kids a lot. was he somewhere in the middle where he found it better to just be ignored? or maybe just being around too many people just causes him to clam up and avoid being noticed if at all possible?