If it’s really something you want to try, just treat it as acting or a roleplay. You don’t actually have to feel that way… just pretend for that period of time. If it helps, watch some porn along those lines and take notes as to what they say and what they do.
It will make it easier when you see for yourself how much she’s enjoying it. Also start slow, you don’t need an Oscar worthy performance your first try. Test it out, see how you both like it. Then increase from there next time.
Most of all, have fun with it!
Since no one else has mentioned it: you don't have to do this. As a dominant, you're also allowed to have hard limits, and if this makes you feel ick, communicate with your partner and don't do it.
Please don't use any previous arguments or possible hate for her in the past to assist you in doing this!
If you do it, then it's just acting and role-playing.
Maybe venture into CnC roleplay first before hate sex.
Ok, not sure this is going to help, and it depends on what she expects when she thinks of "hate fucking", but maybe, if it's the roughness and lack of (apparent) concern that she finds hot, instead of focusing on the "hate" word, you could try to reframe it in your mind as "punishment fucking" / "giving her what she deserves for being naughty", something along those lines, with a dose of "primal sex".
In any case, you really need to talk and communicate with each other on what is expected, how far to go so that you *both* stay comfortable and all. It's nice to want to try new things for your partner before deciding if it's for you or not, but you should *both* do your best to avoid turning it into a traumatic experience for *either* of you. Even more so when trying something you're not comfortable with in the first place.
She should know how you feel about this in my opinion.
I think you're on to something here in general. When one person wants something the other isn't really into. Discuss, dissect, fantasize until you tease out the different nuances of what exactly what you each want and like. Eventually, you might find the magic Venn diagram spot where your desires touch.
Dont pressure yourself BUT if you wanna try, write a scene. Pretend a fight with an ex turns sexual. Or an angry customer. Take breaks within the scene and reassure eachother that you are in a loving and safe environment. Happy playing!
Is your partner aware of a concept known as bratting?
I'm a soft Dom. I *need* my subs to be brats so I can unleash the fury on them. It's so much fun when that happens
I see.
A lot of the brat dynamic is negotiated beforehand. Maybe there's things that you two can discuss that will be code for "I'm purposefully antagonizing you so you unleash Hell" when she does it. Just enough so you know to tell yourself, "This motherfucker needs a good spanking."
That makes sense, especially in combination with your other responses. BDSM is different for everyone. If something doesn't work for you, skip it. You're definitely not the only Dom who dislikes bratting.
I hear you on that. It seems to be a slightly unpopular opinion, but I really don't like it when my play partner brats. I'm very service oriented as well. I just feel so bad, I hate the idea of forcing it or being mean. What I've found works better is basically passionate encouragement from the other person. Seeing them in bliss gets me fired up.
Possibly putting on music or a movie that makes you feel passionate too. Not necessarily angry or frustrated or horny, just worked up. Could be music you workout to, a video dissing one of your favorite characters, a movie about a hyperfixation you're passionate about, etc.
From what I've seen, hate fucking seems to be more about the passion and emotions rather than anger. Your partner may have a different understanding of the term, so make sure you ask her to explain exactly what it means for her.
Good luck!
I’m very service oriented too. And enthusiastic consent is just sooooo sexy to me.
Oh music, that’s a good idea. It’ll also be a good way to soundproof things since we’re in an apartment complex.
And that’s a new perspective, the passion more than anger. I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks a ton!
Don't use mistakes she's made in the past as fuel. If you're going to do this, you want it to be play and using actual resentment to get yourself there might cause you more trouble than you signed up for.
My advice would be to start by asking her to be more explicit about what she means. What does being treated like she's hated look like for her, in the kink way? It's a spectrum and I'm assuming she doesn't mean she wants you to tell her you've grown to resent her, break up and leave. What is it she craves out of it? Does she want to be handled roughly with little regard for her pleasure? Does she like to be cursed out about something imaginary before sex? Does she mean she wants you to humiliate and degrade her while you're fucking her?
It can have so many faces and before pinpointing if you can roleplay this, you might need a bit more info on the part.
Punishment isn’t my thing. As D/top I choose the vibe of my scenes.
But that being said, I love my partner and listen to the things that turn them on. I would ask more questions about their fantasy, and find the things that work for me within them.
If you’re both ok with humiliation, a good first try might be to call her a little slut or a little whore, whatever you’re both comfortable with.
And then just do you like that you little slut? This is what you deserve. Think you’re too good for me you little slut? I own this pussy now you whore, etc.
If you routinely do stuff that is mainly for your pleasure, that she’s ok with, like face fucking, I would throw it in there.
And maybe also edging her or telling her she can’t cum til you’re done with her or something like that.
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If it’s really something you want to try, just treat it as acting or a roleplay. You don’t actually have to feel that way… just pretend for that period of time. If it helps, watch some porn along those lines and take notes as to what they say and what they do. It will make it easier when you see for yourself how much she’s enjoying it. Also start slow, you don’t need an Oscar worthy performance your first try. Test it out, see how you both like it. Then increase from there next time. Most of all, have fun with it!
This ^ Learn the kayfabe of roleplay. Think of it more like you are an actor that’s been hired to play a role.
Yeah, I know it’s acting/a persona. I want tips on how to do the performance. Thank you for the mindful response.
Since no one else has mentioned it: you don't have to do this. As a dominant, you're also allowed to have hard limits, and if this makes you feel ick, communicate with your partner and don't do it.
That’s great advice. And you’re right. I just want to make sure I’ve given it an honest try before making that call.
I thought I was broken for thinking hate sex is hot😂😂
Not in the least.
Kinks are fantasy. Like, there’s a world of difference between a rape kink and actual rape. Don’t feel broken for liking what you like <3
Please don't use any previous arguments or possible hate for her in the past to assist you in doing this! If you do it, then it's just acting and role-playing. Maybe venture into CnC roleplay first before hate sex.
Ok, not sure this is going to help, and it depends on what she expects when she thinks of "hate fucking", but maybe, if it's the roughness and lack of (apparent) concern that she finds hot, instead of focusing on the "hate" word, you could try to reframe it in your mind as "punishment fucking" / "giving her what she deserves for being naughty", something along those lines, with a dose of "primal sex". In any case, you really need to talk and communicate with each other on what is expected, how far to go so that you *both* stay comfortable and all. It's nice to want to try new things for your partner before deciding if it's for you or not, but you should *both* do your best to avoid turning it into a traumatic experience for *either* of you. Even more so when trying something you're not comfortable with in the first place. She should know how you feel about this in my opinion.
I think you're on to something here in general. When one person wants something the other isn't really into. Discuss, dissect, fantasize until you tease out the different nuances of what exactly what you each want and like. Eventually, you might find the magic Venn diagram spot where your desires touch.
Very true. I’ll make sure to communicate with her next time this comes up.
Very good advice, thank you.
Dont pressure yourself BUT if you wanna try, write a scene. Pretend a fight with an ex turns sexual. Or an angry customer. Take breaks within the scene and reassure eachother that you are in a loving and safe environment. Happy playing!
That’s great advice. Especially since my adhd gets me distracted pretty easily. I’ll work on that.
Is your partner aware of a concept known as bratting? I'm a soft Dom. I *need* my subs to be brats so I can unleash the fury on them. It's so much fun when that happens
My partner is a lot more sexual and bdsm experience than me. She knows how to brat… it doesn’t work, does more harm than good you know?
What do you mean?
As in it makes me want to cry instead of get angry.
I see. A lot of the brat dynamic is negotiated beforehand. Maybe there's things that you two can discuss that will be code for "I'm purposefully antagonizing you so you unleash Hell" when she does it. Just enough so you know to tell yourself, "This motherfucker needs a good spanking."
That’s good advice but still hard to work for me.
That makes sense, especially in combination with your other responses. BDSM is different for everyone. If something doesn't work for you, skip it. You're definitely not the only Dom who dislikes bratting.
I hear you on that. It seems to be a slightly unpopular opinion, but I really don't like it when my play partner brats. I'm very service oriented as well. I just feel so bad, I hate the idea of forcing it or being mean. What I've found works better is basically passionate encouragement from the other person. Seeing them in bliss gets me fired up. Possibly putting on music or a movie that makes you feel passionate too. Not necessarily angry or frustrated or horny, just worked up. Could be music you workout to, a video dissing one of your favorite characters, a movie about a hyperfixation you're passionate about, etc. From what I've seen, hate fucking seems to be more about the passion and emotions rather than anger. Your partner may have a different understanding of the term, so make sure you ask her to explain exactly what it means for her. Good luck!
I’m very service oriented too. And enthusiastic consent is just sooooo sexy to me. Oh music, that’s a good idea. It’ll also be a good way to soundproof things since we’re in an apartment complex. And that’s a new perspective, the passion more than anger. I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks a ton!
Don't use mistakes she's made in the past as fuel. If you're going to do this, you want it to be play and using actual resentment to get yourself there might cause you more trouble than you signed up for. My advice would be to start by asking her to be more explicit about what she means. What does being treated like she's hated look like for her, in the kink way? It's a spectrum and I'm assuming she doesn't mean she wants you to tell her you've grown to resent her, break up and leave. What is it she craves out of it? Does she want to be handled roughly with little regard for her pleasure? Does she like to be cursed out about something imaginary before sex? Does she mean she wants you to humiliate and degrade her while you're fucking her? It can have so many faces and before pinpointing if you can roleplay this, you might need a bit more info on the part.
Punishment isn’t my thing. As D/top I choose the vibe of my scenes. But that being said, I love my partner and listen to the things that turn them on. I would ask more questions about their fantasy, and find the things that work for me within them.
If you’re both ok with humiliation, a good first try might be to call her a little slut or a little whore, whatever you’re both comfortable with. And then just do you like that you little slut? This is what you deserve. Think you’re too good for me you little slut? I own this pussy now you whore, etc. If you routinely do stuff that is mainly for your pleasure, that she’s ok with, like face fucking, I would throw it in there. And maybe also edging her or telling her she can’t cum til you’re done with her or something like that.
i don't advise you to go that far.. bro you start faking it but you'll end up making it..