Woooow.... I am so sorry. I commented on your previous post and I never thought he actually meant what he said to you in bed. Well, he showed his true colours at last!
For the record, it's absolutely not how it is in other bdsm relationships. They are built on respect and trust and love and appreciation. My partner does horrible things to me in bed, tell me nasty things too, he doesn't mean a word and I think most people will back me up with this one.
I am so happy you asked for a divorce! You don't need that asshole in your life!
Also... I bet the reason he says he really means it is because he is jealous because you clearly are doing a lot better than him. And thats not in any way meant as an excuse for him. He sounds like he has become a bitter loser.
That's what I thought too when reading the OP's post. He's become stagnant, bitter, & depressed. HE likely feels worthless right now & he's projecting how he feels about himself onto the very person who's been keeping their ship from sinking.
Yep, I bet hes NOT really been feeling this all the time, I bet losing his job and such was the last drop.
Not sure if that could mean he might be able to change back though, or if OP would even want to give him a chance, but it would pribably be good for him to see a therapist no matter what.
No it's not! If he thinks you are genuinely worthless then what is he doing with you? For the record, he may think that but don't think for a second you actually are! You are literally keeping a roof over his head and feeding his belly... He should reconsider what comes out of his mouth.
trying to tell myself exactly that. i feel zero change in terms of workload with him moving out. i'm still doing every single thing i was doing before. its him who should be feeling a burden and realizing how much work it takes to keep a family/house going and all the work that was being done for him
I literally missed a step when I read that he told you he meant it. What-the-actual-everliving F*CK?!?
I 100% second everything Once-a-physicist said. The only thing I can think of to somehow 'rationalise' his thinking is that, with no job or domestisities he may spend a lot of time in Incel communities. The whole 'how many men came before me' screams that ideology. (Check out the subreddit Not How Girls Work)
You are an amazing person. You're professionally succesful, a dedicated mom and you know what you want and like. That's honestly an amazing combo. Be proud and don't let that PoS make you feel otherwise.
I heard that dog whistle too. Dude’s been radicalized. Maybe one of his new alpha male dude bro besties will be his sugar daddy & degrade him for getting pwned by a female/ feminoid/ feminazi. He can trade in his entitlement, and self respect, for a roof over his head & food in his lil beta belly.
Yes, I agree. This is NOT normal. And even more so you need to research aftercare. He should be CONSTANTLY reassuring you he doesn’t mean those things and that he loves you etc. esp after scenes
OP, check his internet history if you can. I’d be willing to bet the man you married has turned into a radicalized male. He’s dropping mra/ incel dog whistles & is treating you like they treat /think /speak to women. I doubt he really has always meant it, he’s instead revising history to fit his new morally defunct narrative.
**IMPORTANT**
This does not mean he can be fixed, there’s hope for him, or that he deserves another chance. He does not & should he behave as if he does — it’s an act — do not believe it. Until he undergoes deprogramming bc he wants to, & even then on a probationary basis, consider him completely mentally & emotionally gone & get him extracted outta your life asap.
**IMPORTANT**
Lock down your credit. Move any large sums of money he has access to, to somewhere he doesn’t. Freeze credit cards. Literally expect the worse at every turn & if he doesn’t deliver, great, but if he does, you’re ready & you beat him to the punch.
You are an amazing human & I cannot wait for you to feel truly free. 💜
Girl I'm gay and I call my wife my dumb little slut but she's the most beautiful and precious thing to me in the world.
I would die for her. I practically worship her and do all of these things for her pleasure- not mine. Though it is fun to see her melt into a puddle.
I think no less of her and only think the highest things of her, you know, despite parading her around in a maid outfit and collar and insulting her. Outside of a scene though I immediately remind her how much she is loved, and valuable, and the most important thing to me in the world. I remind her that she's actually brilliant and needs to believe in herself more and encourage her to grow in wonderful ways and self actualize.
I talk with her in depth and have loads of fun as my equal and partner.
Your husband is garbage for saying that to you. Absolute monstrosity and I can't believe he'd say such a thing.
Look for someone who, before or during or after sex, discovers what YOU love, and what you want <3 look for people who choose to have good communication habits.
Before they start domming you, if they don't try to ask about safewords or stoplights, that's not an amazing sign.
If after sex they don't hold you and ask you how you're feeling, not a good sign.
If they care less about you after sex than before it, again, not a good sign.
And even if outside of sex sometimes I'll just be degrading, it's a Sunday and I'll make her dress up in something sexy and cute like a doll.
But I'll also make her a full 3 course dinner and give her back massages while praising her.
She grew up poor so when we're shopping she'll find these bargain bin granny panties and Ill stop, wait until we're alone, spank her and call her stupid because she deserves better and have a serious conversation about why she feels like she can't have nice things, and then we go get her nice things.
There was this one time I tried something a little different in a very dominant fashion, and after about 30 seconds she cutely said "I don't think I like this :(" and I stopped and cuddled and absolutely cried because I was so proud of her for telling me that she was uncomfortable with something instead of trying to please me.
There's a hugely different dynamic between someone who is dominant because it brings THEM pleasure, versus someone who is dominant because it helps, and pleases their sub.
I just read your earlier post. And, in my head, I said: “Sounds like she’s lost respect for him. That’ll put a hitch in your getalong.”
Being degraded in bed only works if you care about that person’s opinion. Otherwise it’s just noise.
Sounds like you’ve made really good, healthy decisions about moving forward. You are amazing and deserve all the happiness in the world.
*Hugs,* if they’re acceptable.
Take care.
Right ON!!!! No need to post... Above said it for me...
I am so so sorry OP. I truly am....
The only advice I can think of to give, other than what have been said already is...
Take it one day at a time.. Reddit is always here when/if you need it. Take care of yourself and your child.. Be well.
I was goddamned stunned too. I literally went "Oh he MUST have misspoken", like OP did.
But no... Jebus, how does one lie like that for so many years?
As for OP, your idea of BDSM is right on the money. At the end of the day, it is all rooted on the fact that we are all human beings of equal value. It is just fun to play otherwise.
Just, all the strength to you, that is awful.
Thank you, exactly, why would you ever want to spend 7 years with a person who you don't think is the most amazing person in the world? It blows my mind.
100% this. OP, lying to himself like this was the only way he could ignore his many faults and feel superior without having to get up off his ass. It has NOTHING to do with you. Please know his words have no bearing on reality.
Right because why would you marry a worthless woman? Why would you let a worthless woman raise your child?
He clearly doesn’t mean it. He’s just resentful because she’s clearly the “dom” in their day to day. The one in charge, the one wearing the pants. Etc etc. He might even have convinced himself to believe it but he definitely didn’t start that way. And he’s just being stupid and jealous and insecure and needed some way to feel like he matters more.
Yikes. He is projecting his own uselessness on you because he can’t handle that he, an “alpha male” is actually inferior to his wife in every way. Show him the door because this is insane.
Most "Alpha" males, are worthless. Imo there's two reasons for this.
1) They think their dookie doesn't stink, so they act like they can do whatever whenever.
2) They whole "Alpha" thing, is entirely bulls**t. Even the person who did that whole paper, withdrew everything, and said it was bulls**t.
> 2) They whole "Alpha" thing, is entirely bullst. Even the person who did that whole paper, withdrew everything, and said it was bullst.
This is absolutely not true and is one of those weird reddit misconceptions people keep spreading. He *amended* the study to explain that it's about wolves *in captivity*, whereas in nature, wolf packs are usually familial.
Rendering the initial data pretty useless. Especially in the case of humans. But it runs parallel still. Humans are no different than animals in the wild, we simply have more capabilities than them.
“What would be the value of calling a human father the alpha male?” says L. David Mech, a senior research scientist at the U.S. Geological Survey, who has studied wolf packs in the wild for decades. “He’s just the father of the family. And that’s exactly the way it is with wolves.”
-Scientific American, Is the Alpha Wolf Idea a Myth?, By Stephanie Pappas on February 28, 2023
> Rendering the initial data pretty useless. Especially in the case of humans.
Not really, though - various unrelated members of different groups, brought together and forced to coexist and work as a unit? That's literally school, work, prison, any place where humans congregate and are required to stay.
I'm not arguing that someone modeling themselves as an "alpha" isn't a turd, but in human hierarchy as in animal hierarchy, people *will* often defer to the biggest bully. The study only reinforces that.
Not really though because you could argue humans existing in their natural social structure would be school, work, etc. However, I think prison is the closest to being "captive" as it gets...which is also probably why people in prison often develop a social hierarchy resembling "alphas".
This is how my marriage was too. I was the breadwinner and the main parent and the main everything and it was never good enough to stop his ceaseless criticism. You'll be much happier after divorce in ways you probably can't even fathom currently. I also met a man who thinks I walk on water, and that's somewhere out there for you too. Good luck OP.
Well, hopefully he's about to find out the hard way how "worthless" you are. A selfish unemployed asshole I'm sure will have a totally easy time finding someone that cares for him like you did let alone is willing to put up with that shit /s
I'm sorry you're going through this, really sorry for your child. I think this is a clear "leave town and wipe the dust from your sandles" situation. You not only can do better, you will. It's the opposite for him. Either way he's a tumor that needs removed and hopefully the divorce attorney and court system smack some humility and empathy into him.
i'm sure he's finding out already because a mutual friend told me he isn't doing well at all. none of his friends are supporting his behaviour either.
thank you for your comment and sympathy
Correction. You didn’t lose your mind you came to your senses. I’m truly sorry you’re having to go through this. And what you’ve been going through is not a D/s relationship. It’s abuse. As hard as this is. I’m glad you’re getting out of it. Best of luck to you.
It does feel like you're losing your mind though. It's as if you're seeing in colour for the first time. It's good but it still takes adjustment. Leaving an abusive relationship is an absolute headfuck.
When my sub and I met, I was the breadwinner, but now, due to my disability I am no longer able to work. After this last year of Law School she will be the breadwinner. I am not resentful, nor is she, life happens. We're just thankful we both found someone willing to be there and do what needs doing. If the talk didn't work and he reacted that way nothing will.
Wowww has he lost his marbles. . Play is play. My partner can call me anything (what we agreed on) in the bedroom but outside im His Partner, godess, equal, smart little cookie. And we are in 24/7 tpe. Good for you to go, you DONT deserve this. I know it hurts now but it gets better, i promise. You deserve a partner Who thinks the sun shines out if your ass.
You are very right of not accepting this. Good luck and all the best for you ♡
Holy fucking shit that man is trash and I'm so sorry OP!
Like others have stated this is NOT normal for BDSM as the entire point is trust, respect, and love.
Yes we are showing love in a fucked up way with BDSM but that's why after care is thing! To show that like you said that was a play and the truth is we are partners who love each other.
The only worthless whore in your relationship was him! He whored himself out to get a free ride in life!
I know you are in pain right now OP but know that you 100% did the right thing by kicking that lowlife out of your house!
5he hardest part of a break up is realising the person you thought he was, the person you had formed in your head, doesn't match the person he really is, that that person was a fantasy you had to keep going. It doesn't mean that the whole world is like that it is just a coping mechanism of us messy humans to keep going, especially in abusive relationships. It's one of the hardest reasons that getting over trama bonding is so hard because we don't want to give up that fantasy version of the person and really see the real person.
If you have the time (personally I'd make the time) I'd see a kink friendly therapist that also had trama training because I think the two would help you process this a lot easier.
I feel the exact opposite of your husband...I enjoy humiliation and degradation...but it's not how I really think and feel about my partner...
It's fantasy. Not real life for me.
IRL I think it's extremely important to respect people bc they're human beings...
I mean why would you be with someone you don't respect...??? Unless it's for selfish and self serving reasons..
From what I can tell, your husband has treated you horribly..
Sorry it turned out this way but glad you found out now rather then later. Your relationship is defined by its worst moments. Towards the end of my last relationship my partner refused to help with anything and told me it was my fault that I got sexually assaulted by a house mover when he left it up to me to move our entire home by myself.
Wtf ???
He is the worthless one, of course it's only a play and it shouldn't get out of the bedroom !
I have similar kinks and never my bf actually thought low of me ! He is always praising me outside the bedroom. It's not normal that your ex thinks like that
Congratulations, you've made maybe the best decision of your life!
Your husband sounds very much like a narcissist (npd) who started to split and discard you emotionally, I would guess, threatened by your success professionally and personally. Drove the nail in completely upon confrontation... his petulant childish cruelty is all too familiar. My soon to be ex husband is a dx NPD "Dom" and I'm literally going through, and went through, the Same. Exact. Process.
Re: your narc.. A bad Dom & a worse husband, I truly cannot imagine something more Narc than lying and gaslighting a partner about a very common BDSM play practice they have done for close to a decade!!!
I am however sorry for the pain you're dealing with, any relationship ending, even amicably, is extra work and turmoil to process. A 7 year marriage ending with a narcissistic partner.. after years of poor treatment and abuse while supporting your family...i feel righteous indignation FOR you. With my own, of course 😂 This road might be bumpy but make no mistake, it is the only road for you and you should be so proud of your badass strength! This man is not fit to clean your toilet let alone share your life!
NPD abuse syndrome might be a good Google if you haven't yet ✌️🤗
I came here to say this. Having only just come out of a very similar relationship a few months back, I second OP reading up about NPD.
My ex is a pitch perfect example and had similar traits of going from the "perfect partner/dom" who manipulated his way into my house. After 4 years, he wasn't working. I was working myself to the bone. He did nothing round the house or gave any support emotionally or physically and that aftercare was a forgettable inconvenience after getting his fill.
Wishing you both well, I know it can feel like your head doesn't know if it's coming or going sometimes but it will get better and we will all be far better without them.
I'm sorry to hear that you experienced something similar but I'm so happy you're also getting out of it. I guess a d/s dynamic is so much harder to get out of than a normal relationship so more power to us for standing up for ourselves.
How are you? Hopefully you are safe. Just know you are awesome. And one of awesome things that you were able to deal with your emotions by being submissive. This is not anyone is able to do. This is scary as F! But you were able to enjoy it. And you were able to trust that is only speak highly of you.
Jesus fucking christ, I am so so sorry. What a dickhead. Take care of yourself, and remember that what he thinks about you is NOT a genuine reflection on you, it is a reflection on him.
I’m so sorry. He was projecting. He’s still an asshole, but he was projecting. He needs to do A LOT of work on himself. You will land on your feet. Stay strong momma, weakness is not who you are.
You were his sub. How dare he treat you like that? As a dom he is supposed to care for you and take care of you. Even if he’s not working it’s his responsibility to care for his submissive. He isn’t worth it. Degradation during a scene is much different than 24/7. Does he take things too far in everything else? Like an all or nothing type of person? Either way, it’s not healthy for you to deal with that.
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear what transpired. It must hurt a ton, but you'll get through this.
The one saying grace in this, is that he left no doubt in your mind as to his true feelings, so you'll never have to doubt yourself that you are doing the right thing in divorcing him.
That sounds really unfortunate. Being valued and respected by your partner is always important. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, I hope you find someone who loves you and sees you as a hardworking woman (outside the bedroom)
Oh, I am so very sorry you're going through this, and glad your mother is there to help you.
I could speculate on reasons an unemployed man might want to degrade the woman who is supporting him, but you know what? The reasons don't matter. He's treating you like shit, and you deserve a thousand times better.
Change the locks, get security cameras, and talk to a lawyer. Although life will be rough for a while, you will be so much better off without the man your husband has become.
I am so so so very sorry you are going through this.
I don't think what you wanted in a dynamic was unusual, unhealthy, or unreasonable. And I don't think how you're feeling currently is anything short of completely understandable. It's hard to imagine being in your shoes and my heart aches thinking about it.
I am glad you are separating, as that sounds like an abusive and unsafe environment for you and your child. A person who can devalue their partner in that way is not fit for partnership or parenthood.
I wish you the very best. Your community is here for you
Bdsm to me is a consensual and shared enjoyment of a kink(s) my partner is into being verbally and physically degraded/humiliated 24/7. But my partner knows as I remind them often that the dehumanizing way I test her is only a kinky fetish and that outside the dynamic of our dom/sub lifestyle that she is loved, strong, hard-working, and a positive aspect in mine and many others lives.
If your Dom does not see past the kink then in my eyes they are nothing more than a hateful being too insecure about themself to grow up and should be left behind as they are not worth your time. Been divorced once myself, It's not an easy process but I'm better for it and I feel you will be too once it's all over.
Im so fucking Sorry for you. This guy is just a big asshole. Like others said before, you only build a relationship like this on respect and appreciation. But at least you got rid of a bad person in your life. I wish you the best
I’m sorry you’re in this position. You did the right thing though.
I feel you on not having any degradation in real life. That is also a hard limit for me. It’s like, if someone really hates you that much to mean all those things being said during sex, then no, it’s time to go.
What’s funny is how he calls you worthless, but he’s the one that is worthless. Definitely projection happening there. He’s resentful. Self-hatred perhaps, for failing to take care of his family. It sounds like he’s not even trying. I’m sorry you’re going through all that. Glad your mom is there to help you through. Grieve the end of your marriage, but don’t forget you have your kiddo you must be a role model for.
Good luck to you.
Seems to me that your husband is suffering from very low esteem, using you to blame all his failings on and hiding it in your previous sexual dynamic. So the truth is now out. I know it's hard to fathom, especially after all you've given and shared. Maybe he will find his way, maybe he won't. But you deserve better, much, much better my dear. You've taken the right steps. You are strong. Trust your instincts. One way or another things will work out.
I am so so sorry this happened to you, I can't imagine the heartbreak. This is not normal in the kink community at all. I have called my partner some very hurtful and derogatory things during sex, but I would be shattered if I thought even for a moment that she honest to God believed I thought she was worthless or stupid. It would break my heart into a million pieces, and for him to say that to you is beyond words. I hope someday you can look back on this, when you are with someone who treats you with the respect and admiration that you deserve, and be happy that you dropped him out of your life when you did. Again, I am so sorry he did this to you, and I hope you can heal.
I have already commented about how incredibly sorry I am that you are going through this 😥 But I'm alarmed by some of the advice I'm seeing in regards to divorce. This could get very ugly 😥 I would be very cautious and try to find a kink friendly atty asap, who has experience defending kinksters b/c if this guy is as much of an asshole as he sounds, he may well bring up your kinks (in gory detail) in both divorce and custody proceedings. Find a REALLY good lawyer and be honest with them. If the details come out in court, that may be a huge obstacle for you. Vanillas are not likely to understand.
While we all see him for the giant AH he is, the court may not view you favorably. I'm sorry to bring this up, but it's never to soon to think about mitigating the damage, should your ex bring up your proclivities publicly. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon. I hope it doesn't happen, but better to be prepared.
Edit:typos
In my opinion, degradation works BECAUSE it's play. If the things being said are genuinely meant, I'd call that abuse. This is not ok. Good for you for divorcing his ass
You're expressing confusion and doubt over being hung up on the fact that he said this. I'm confused about why you're confused! This is a horrific thing to say to a person, let alone a partner. You are entitled to every emotion you are feeling right now, and you deserve to give those emotions time and attention to sort through. He is exactly as in-the-wrong as you feel like he is.
Almost sounds like my husband. I walk away about 6 weeks ago. Their are people out their who know it is a kink and wont just treat us like crap. It seems like they are hard to find. But maybe someday…
I genuinely don’t know what to say- this actually brought me to tears. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better and I’m so incredibly proud of you for leaving.
I think he's blaming his inadequacies on you. I like degradation but not when it's sincere. I think it would be super-glue-your-dick-to-your-stomach-while-you're-sleeping- so-you-can-piss-in-your-own-face-the-way-you-just-did-mine time if my dude told me he actually meant it when he called me a stupid cock addicted slut.
If the things Master says to me in a scene spilled into real life I'd be dead lol. It's a kink NOT his real feelings for me.
I'm so sorry your husdom turned out to be like this but am glad he's out the door. You deserve better than this
Jesus. Both me and my partner agreed when I read the original post that your husband was being a dick and needed to grow the fuck up and help your out. This is so much worse than I imagined what was going on in his head.
I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad you had the conversation and found out and then reacted appropriately. You are amazing and deserving of so much more.
Sending much love to you honey. It sounds like you are a million times the person he is. The hate he held for you is not at all normal or acceptable. I know for myself if I degrade my boyfriend/sub and subs none of the things I say are meant. I love or the very least care for and respect for them wholeheartedly. It sounds like your soon to be ex is a very messed up person that should not be anywhere near kink.
🫂💕
Kink is supposed to be spice not 100% reality and hurtful. All participants are supposed to be having a good time.
Sounds like a user and abuser to me.
This is not normal. I am glad you had this conversation. Please stand your ground. Do NOT back down. Relationships especially ones that involve bdsm are based on mutual respect and it seems like he has lost that for you. Do what is right for you and your child.
I experienced a very similar situation and I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that you did nothing wrong. If you’re anything like me, you want to believe the best in the people that you love and care about. It’s hard to imagine the things that people really think/feel when you’re not in that darkness. You deserve someone who lives and values you regardless of what you bring to the table
my hypothesis as an outsider who just read this out of context:
convincing himself that you're worthless might be a very toxic coping mechanism following his job loss, and he's gaslighting you into thinking the dynamic was already like this in your happier years
i could be wrong, but regardless of that, breaking up was the right thing to do, both for you (who deserves better) and him (who now has to get his shit together)
be strong and focus on your future!
Sounds to me that you are doing the right thing.
As others have said, this is not normal behaviour in any relationship let alone a lifestyle relationship.
Irrespective of the bedroom dynamic, respect must flow both ways. By the sounds of it he never had respect for you, and you have most definitely lost respect for him. So I applaud your strength in deciding to move on with your life. I wish you every luck for the future.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Genuinely, sounds like he's been using your kink as a way to slowly push you down as a form of abuse. One that he was hoping would make you stay with him and do everything while he does nothing.
I'm glad you questioned things. It hurts, I know, but it's for the better.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. It sounds like he’s let his personal circumstances get to him and he’s started projecting his bitterness and self loathing onto you. This is on him. I can’t image anyone would blame you for leaving him.
I would lose it too. My boyfriend says all sorts of things in bed but he doesn't believe them. Hell we've got a cuckqueen thing going on so in bed he very often tells me "maybe I should find someone else and just use them so you can learn to fo it better" I'm a huge fan of this talk but only because after he tells me I'm all he wants and how amazing I am and how much he loves me. I don't think he'd even degrade me in bed if it weren't such a huge kink for me.
> I don't think he'd even degrade me in bed if it weren't such a huge kink for me.
I almost wonder if this is what was going on with OP's husband, like maybe he wasn't into BDSM & was doing it for her & so didn't understand that it's supposed to be play. I actually HOPE that's what it was b/c the other options are awful, either projection or just an abusive AH who doesn't respect his partner.
Regardless, I feel so bad for OP :-( While this is the best thing to happen, it's certainly not easy after many years & kids. My heart goes out to OP.
My boyfriend and I were both in bdsm before getting together but yeah it can be hard for newer people to understand its just play. I also really hate this situation for op too.
Yeah, my husband is vanilla, so I can totally understand if hers was, maybe he thought it was real? While my hubby knows it's not real, he can also barely bring himself to do it b/c it's not who he is. IDK if that's the case here, just a thought for something that may explain something so crazy!
I'm so sorry you're going through this.
My ex husband did it similar to yours. Degraded in and out of the bedroom and meant every moment.
My husband, on the other hand, does it in bed and then reassures me outside the bedroom (were both switches, I'm majorly the dominant one but he gets a lot of in-bedroom Dom time). It's a very needed component.
Sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you are absolutely better off without this deadbeat. It’s one thing to play this way in the bedroom. But another thing entirely if he actually thinks this of you outside the bedroom. Especially when it seems like you are carrying 100% of the load.
I can't imagine how hard it is. The only saving grace is that he was honest so you don't have to waste any more effort or spirit or love on him ever again. Talk about worthless... he is the epitome of a useless waste of skin.
He's confusing reality with porn. Seriously. I am so sorry. You don't deserve the objectively awful things he said to you. I wouldn't consider the context with which he's saying these things to you kink at this point in time. Kink is about symbiotic mutual pleasure, respect, appreciation of one other's vulnerability, & a deep connection full of trust & focused attention. I love to be degraded during a scene or when the moment is right but outside of that my Dom cherishes me & appreciates me in the same way I do him. We're a team & that makes our BDSM dynamic 10x's more delicious. Normal is feeling settled, connected, & excited in your dynamic, not chronically mentally beaten down. It's normal when things aren't working to have open discussions & to problem solve together. My Master would never say these things to me, ever, nor I to him. What you've been experiencing isn't healthy & I am glad you're getting out.
Big oof...
As a good friend of mine once said about degradation play: "there is a huge difference between the sentences "you're a toy" and "you're my toy" because the second is focussed on ownership, interaction and care".
Hearing that he lost this care aspect over time would have been hurtful enough. Realizing he never cared must have been devastating. I really hope you find a way for yourself and find love and care for yourself in it.
This is good that it happened. At least now you can drop the dead weight and move on with your life. You didn't deserve to be treated that way outside of the bedroom and this just makes it easier for you to move on.
Take your time and don't push yourself too hard.
OP, i don't know Who you are, but you are worth, strong and now enjoy your life and your child.
He fucked up all with his hands, and if i can say It i hope One day he can curse himself for what he says too you.
I am so sorry he said that to you. I am thoroughly appalled at this behavior and he truly never deserved you. I can't imagine why anyone could say things like that to someone they loved. Before I even finished reading your post I thought "I hope she divorced him." He isn't a man, he's a worm. 12 hours of work a day should never, ever go unnoticed. Especially by the father of your child. I hope your tears dry soon, I think you did precisely what I would've done in your shoes. You'll be okay, it always ends up okay. I'm sending prayers for you and your child, and I hope for your swift mental healing❤️
I would feel so extremely violated after this. I could never let him touch me again, let alone live with him or try to be in any kind of relationship. I'm so sorry, so many people are so good at hiding their true colors for so long. This isn't your fault at all. Please get away from him.
Whoa. That is some next level mentally ill, abusive stuff. Get as far away as you can and find a supportive therapist. I’m so sorry he turned into this.
“Only a worthless woman would allow a man to degrade her in bed” HOLY MISOGYNY BATMAN.
I don’t really understand how you guys have been together seven years and this never came up before, but thank god. He sounds so scummy
He's lying. He doesn't actually think you're worthless, he just knows he's worthless and is projecting.
Regardless, you're not worthless. Somewhere along the line he lost himself and this was his last little bit of power. You should celebrate yourself, you knew something was wrong and your intuition tipped you off, congrats on that.
OP, was this part of a pattern of abuse from your husband? If so, and your state still does at-fault divorce, you may be entitled to more in your divorce settlement.
thanks for the comment. there's no going back but perhaps it did come from a place of hurt. nonetheless, a dom who has to let hurt/fear out on a sub needs to do a lot of work on themselves first.
I'm not a purist to think that all things kink should be role play, even though for me it is, but definitely you should have negotiated upfront and tell apart the tops that mean it and those that are only doing role play.
He definitely said that as a way to hurt you and bring you down. He hit you where you’re vulnerable, I’m guessing because you hit him where he is vulnerable. The difference is that you were asking him to be better while he was actively trying to make you feel worse. What a cowardly, misogynistic loser he is. You’re going to feel 10,000 lbs lighter without having to shoulder his dead weight and he knows it.
Wishing you the best of luck on this new part of your life ❤️
As a male and a DOM, I feel that this is truly F'd up. He has zero respect for you and has no business being in that position. I am so sorry you are going through this.
He definitely feels like this because you are so successful in your life and the only way he can feel better about himself is to believe he is above you, purely based on what you do in the bedroom. Why mention other people you may or may not have done this kink with? Ego, its all ego.
Im really glad that YOU know your worth and didn't just take it. If you're worthless to him, then he can think that somewhere else.
If he has left the home, be sure to go ahead and change the locks. And get a damn good lawyer. Be sure to file for divorce quickly. Check the county you live in to see if they favor one party over another. If you are working and he is not then he will try and claim your income. Protect yourself.
I am sorry you are going through this. I wasn't in a BDSM relationship but ended up feeling like this in a previous relationship because it turned out she really thought lowly of me.
You are amazing for standing up for yourself and you can surround yourself in people who really see you for the amazing person you are <3 Be kind to yourself.
I like being degraded in bed, but if a mother trucker did that in public I’d rip them a new one. I’m glad you’re leaving him, OP. You deserve a better husband/Dom.
My stomach actually dropped when I read this and I'm happy you're getting a divorce. Everyone has already said the sentiment of good riddance, but I will add one thing, which, in the end, I hope helps with processing. He is sick, unwell and you just got the biggest dose of his illness straight to your face. When my husband and I separated, he realized that he was mentally unwell and used that as the impetus to step out. What just happened is beyond someone just being ungrateful and projecting, it was the last bit of the veil falling off of the rotting face of mental health that has deteriorated. What has caused this decline might be many things, but know as much as you want to be angry at him, that he is sick and you will see more of it before, and if, it gets better. I genuinely hope that you get into some therapy and I hope that he gets well too, to the point where you receive a genuine apology that you can trust. You didn't deserve that, but you get to choose how to move forward with it and I since it sounds like you're already a bad ass business woman I have faith you'll use this to grow and not wither!
I'm sorry to read this. It seems your husband has gone completely overboard! There are agreements that a D/s make before you work out the dynamic between you. Resentment is something that any good marriage cannot survive. Especially when one member goes off the deep end like he has. Youre duty is clear, you said out loud and you meant it! "I want a divorce!"...no matter what.. you're committed to doing this... And to save your sanity you have to. Perhaps after the dust has settled, your soon-to-be-ex, will grow up and become a man! Perhaps this will shock him back to reality. We're at a crossing right now, the pandemic is over, jobs are growing, economy is picking up, he will get a job? In the meantime...seek legal counsel and help. I wish you well. If you can be a submissive slave, you can do this too! Who knows your next Dom will be exactly what you need in your life?😋😉
Being a dom person doesn't mean he is a toxic, there is a difference between the two,
I'm glad u did ask for a divorce, cut this toxic person from ur life.
My question is… what kind of person stays married to someone they don’t respect? How can you love someone you don’t respect? I hate to say this, but it seems pretty clear to me that he has been using you as a meal ticket. You would be much further ahead to kick him to the curb and replace him with a part time housekeeper and child care helper.
I am so sorry you are going through this.
He definitely got jealous and insecure about the fact that he wasn’t filling his role as a “household keeper” and took it out on you, glad you got out of that relationship
I’ve just read you latest post and caught up with your previous ones (can’t comment on the latest as it’s locked) and firstly I just want to say congratulations for your freedom and that you are really brave. Sharing your story will help so many people maybe in the same situation. Similar to you, after a split from an abusive relationship I took a long break from the lifestyle completely. I hope you find all the peace you need. Congratulations 🥂
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Woooow.... I am so sorry. I commented on your previous post and I never thought he actually meant what he said to you in bed. Well, he showed his true colours at last! For the record, it's absolutely not how it is in other bdsm relationships. They are built on respect and trust and love and appreciation. My partner does horrible things to me in bed, tell me nasty things too, he doesn't mean a word and I think most people will back me up with this one. I am so happy you asked for a divorce! You don't need that asshole in your life!
thank you, i needed to her that this isn't normal
Also... I bet the reason he says he really means it is because he is jealous because you clearly are doing a lot better than him. And thats not in any way meant as an excuse for him. He sounds like he has become a bitter loser.
That's what I thought too when reading the OP's post. He's become stagnant, bitter, & depressed. HE likely feels worthless right now & he's projecting how he feels about himself onto the very person who's been keeping their ship from sinking.
Yep, I bet hes NOT really been feeling this all the time, I bet losing his job and such was the last drop. Not sure if that could mean he might be able to change back though, or if OP would even want to give him a chance, but it would pribably be good for him to see a therapist no matter what.
This is my guess too.
When he's single, alone and supporting himself he definitely needs serious therapy. And doesn't belong in a kink dynamic with anyone else
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No it's not! If he thinks you are genuinely worthless then what is he doing with you? For the record, he may think that but don't think for a second you actually are! You are literally keeping a roof over his head and feeding his belly... He should reconsider what comes out of his mouth.
trying to tell myself exactly that. i feel zero change in terms of workload with him moving out. i'm still doing every single thing i was doing before. its him who should be feeling a burden and realizing how much work it takes to keep a family/house going and all the work that was being done for him
I literally missed a step when I read that he told you he meant it. What-the-actual-everliving F*CK?!? I 100% second everything Once-a-physicist said. The only thing I can think of to somehow 'rationalise' his thinking is that, with no job or domestisities he may spend a lot of time in Incel communities. The whole 'how many men came before me' screams that ideology. (Check out the subreddit Not How Girls Work) You are an amazing person. You're professionally succesful, a dedicated mom and you know what you want and like. That's honestly an amazing combo. Be proud and don't let that PoS make you feel otherwise.
I heard that dog whistle too. Dude’s been radicalized. Maybe one of his new alpha male dude bro besties will be his sugar daddy & degrade him for getting pwned by a female/ feminoid/ feminazi. He can trade in his entitlement, and self respect, for a roof over his head & food in his lil beta belly.
If he’s not yet he will be.
HE’S the worthless one. You provided for him, and now it’s gone. May he be miserable and realize how much he’s destroyed his own comfort.
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Yes, I agree. This is NOT normal. And even more so you need to research aftercare. He should be CONSTANTLY reassuring you he doesn’t mean those things and that he loves you etc. esp after scenes
Exactly. I felt like I was begging him for reassurance when it should be a given.
OP, check his internet history if you can. I’d be willing to bet the man you married has turned into a radicalized male. He’s dropping mra/ incel dog whistles & is treating you like they treat /think /speak to women. I doubt he really has always meant it, he’s instead revising history to fit his new morally defunct narrative. **IMPORTANT** This does not mean he can be fixed, there’s hope for him, or that he deserves another chance. He does not & should he behave as if he does — it’s an act — do not believe it. Until he undergoes deprogramming bc he wants to, & even then on a probationary basis, consider him completely mentally & emotionally gone & get him extracted outta your life asap. **IMPORTANT** Lock down your credit. Move any large sums of money he has access to, to somewhere he doesn’t. Freeze credit cards. Literally expect the worse at every turn & if he doesn’t deliver, great, but if he does, you’re ready & you beat him to the punch. You are an amazing human & I cannot wait for you to feel truly free. 💜
Girl I'm gay and I call my wife my dumb little slut but she's the most beautiful and precious thing to me in the world. I would die for her. I practically worship her and do all of these things for her pleasure- not mine. Though it is fun to see her melt into a puddle. I think no less of her and only think the highest things of her, you know, despite parading her around in a maid outfit and collar and insulting her. Outside of a scene though I immediately remind her how much she is loved, and valuable, and the most important thing to me in the world. I remind her that she's actually brilliant and needs to believe in herself more and encourage her to grow in wonderful ways and self actualize. I talk with her in depth and have loads of fun as my equal and partner. Your husband is garbage for saying that to you. Absolute monstrosity and I can't believe he'd say such a thing.
You sound like an amazing partner. Thank you, I hope one day I can find a healthy dynamic too.
Look for someone who, before or during or after sex, discovers what YOU love, and what you want <3 look for people who choose to have good communication habits. Before they start domming you, if they don't try to ask about safewords or stoplights, that's not an amazing sign. If after sex they don't hold you and ask you how you're feeling, not a good sign. If they care less about you after sex than before it, again, not a good sign. And even if outside of sex sometimes I'll just be degrading, it's a Sunday and I'll make her dress up in something sexy and cute like a doll. But I'll also make her a full 3 course dinner and give her back massages while praising her. She grew up poor so when we're shopping she'll find these bargain bin granny panties and Ill stop, wait until we're alone, spank her and call her stupid because she deserves better and have a serious conversation about why she feels like she can't have nice things, and then we go get her nice things. There was this one time I tried something a little different in a very dominant fashion, and after about 30 seconds she cutely said "I don't think I like this :(" and I stopped and cuddled and absolutely cried because I was so proud of her for telling me that she was uncomfortable with something instead of trying to please me. There's a hugely different dynamic between someone who is dominant because it brings THEM pleasure, versus someone who is dominant because it helps, and pleases their sub.
I just read your earlier post. And, in my head, I said: “Sounds like she’s lost respect for him. That’ll put a hitch in your getalong.” Being degraded in bed only works if you care about that person’s opinion. Otherwise it’s just noise. Sounds like you’ve made really good, healthy decisions about moving forward. You are amazing and deserve all the happiness in the world. *Hugs,* if they’re acceptable. Take care.
thank you < 3
❤️
As someone who likes being on the opposite side as a degrader, I *never* mean a single thing I say and I make sure my partners know it! So not normal!
Right ON!!!! No need to post... Above said it for me... I am so so sorry OP. I truly am.... The only advice I can think of to give, other than what have been said already is... Take it one day at a time.. Reddit is always here when/if you need it. Take care of yourself and your child.. Be well.
this community has been so supportive, thank you. i'm doing much better since yesterday when i posted. i have more clarity now.
Respect love and trust are everything in a BDSM relationship. Even more important because of power dynamic shifts.
All I can say is my jaw dropped reading this, and my heart goes out to you, and I'm so, so, so sorry.
I was goddamned stunned too. I literally went "Oh he MUST have misspoken", like OP did. But no... Jebus, how does one lie like that for so many years? As for OP, your idea of BDSM is right on the money. At the end of the day, it is all rooted on the fact that we are all human beings of equal value. It is just fun to play otherwise. Just, all the strength to you, that is awful.
Thank you, exactly, why would you ever want to spend 7 years with a person who you don't think is the most amazing person in the world? It blows my mind.
It sounds like he got jealous because he can’t deal with his failures. Good riddance.
This. Say goodbye and never ever look back.
100% this. OP, lying to himself like this was the only way he could ignore his many faults and feel superior without having to get up off his ass. It has NOTHING to do with you. Please know his words have no bearing on reality.
Right because why would you marry a worthless woman? Why would you let a worthless woman raise your child? He clearly doesn’t mean it. He’s just resentful because she’s clearly the “dom” in their day to day. The one in charge, the one wearing the pants. Etc etc. He might even have convinced himself to believe it but he definitely didn’t start that way. And he’s just being stupid and jealous and insecure and needed some way to feel like he matters more.
Yikes. He is projecting his own uselessness on you because he can’t handle that he, an “alpha male” is actually inferior to his wife in every way. Show him the door because this is insane.
Most "Alpha" males, are worthless. Imo there's two reasons for this. 1) They think their dookie doesn't stink, so they act like they can do whatever whenever. 2) They whole "Alpha" thing, is entirely bulls**t. Even the person who did that whole paper, withdrew everything, and said it was bulls**t.
Alpha males are vital... but only in the Omegaverse 😏
> 2) They whole "Alpha" thing, is entirely bullst. Even the person who did that whole paper, withdrew everything, and said it was bullst. This is absolutely not true and is one of those weird reddit misconceptions people keep spreading. He *amended* the study to explain that it's about wolves *in captivity*, whereas in nature, wolf packs are usually familial.
Rendering the initial data pretty useless. Especially in the case of humans. But it runs parallel still. Humans are no different than animals in the wild, we simply have more capabilities than them. “What would be the value of calling a human father the alpha male?” says L. David Mech, a senior research scientist at the U.S. Geological Survey, who has studied wolf packs in the wild for decades. “He’s just the father of the family. And that’s exactly the way it is with wolves.” -Scientific American, Is the Alpha Wolf Idea a Myth?, By Stephanie Pappas on February 28, 2023
> Rendering the initial data pretty useless. Especially in the case of humans. Not really, though - various unrelated members of different groups, brought together and forced to coexist and work as a unit? That's literally school, work, prison, any place where humans congregate and are required to stay. I'm not arguing that someone modeling themselves as an "alpha" isn't a turd, but in human hierarchy as in animal hierarchy, people *will* often defer to the biggest bully. The study only reinforces that.
Not really though because you could argue humans existing in their natural social structure would be school, work, etc. However, I think prison is the closest to being "captive" as it gets...which is also probably why people in prison often develop a social hierarchy resembling "alphas".
This is how my marriage was too. I was the breadwinner and the main parent and the main everything and it was never good enough to stop his ceaseless criticism. You'll be much happier after divorce in ways you probably can't even fathom currently. I also met a man who thinks I walk on water, and that's somewhere out there for you too. Good luck OP.
thank you, and i'm so glad you found someone like that
Well, hopefully he's about to find out the hard way how "worthless" you are. A selfish unemployed asshole I'm sure will have a totally easy time finding someone that cares for him like you did let alone is willing to put up with that shit /s I'm sorry you're going through this, really sorry for your child. I think this is a clear "leave town and wipe the dust from your sandles" situation. You not only can do better, you will. It's the opposite for him. Either way he's a tumor that needs removed and hopefully the divorce attorney and court system smack some humility and empathy into him.
i'm sure he's finding out already because a mutual friend told me he isn't doing well at all. none of his friends are supporting his behaviour either. thank you for your comment and sympathy
Correction. You didn’t lose your mind you came to your senses. I’m truly sorry you’re having to go through this. And what you’ve been going through is not a D/s relationship. It’s abuse. As hard as this is. I’m glad you’re getting out of it. Best of luck to you.
It does feel like you're losing your mind though. It's as if you're seeing in colour for the first time. It's good but it still takes adjustment. Leaving an abusive relationship is an absolute headfuck.
When my sub and I met, I was the breadwinner, but now, due to my disability I am no longer able to work. After this last year of Law School she will be the breadwinner. I am not resentful, nor is she, life happens. We're just thankful we both found someone willing to be there and do what needs doing. If the talk didn't work and he reacted that way nothing will.
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No denial. No name calling. Just a simple ban. Comment removed. Permaban issued.
Fuuuuuck him. Good on you for ending that!! You will shine without him.
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Thank you!!!
Wowww has he lost his marbles. . Play is play. My partner can call me anything (what we agreed on) in the bedroom but outside im His Partner, godess, equal, smart little cookie. And we are in 24/7 tpe. Good for you to go, you DONT deserve this. I know it hurts now but it gets better, i promise. You deserve a partner Who thinks the sun shines out if your ass. You are very right of not accepting this. Good luck and all the best for you ♡
Exactly!! You're a human being of equal value, as much as he is. Thank you for your comment I appreciate it
Holy fucking shit that man is trash and I'm so sorry OP! Like others have stated this is NOT normal for BDSM as the entire point is trust, respect, and love. Yes we are showing love in a fucked up way with BDSM but that's why after care is thing! To show that like you said that was a play and the truth is we are partners who love each other. The only worthless whore in your relationship was him! He whored himself out to get a free ride in life! I know you are in pain right now OP but know that you 100% did the right thing by kicking that lowlife out of your house!
I wonder if he started listening to Andrew tate or something like that.
I'm so so so so sorry. Sending you nothing but good wishes and wishing you healing.
5he hardest part of a break up is realising the person you thought he was, the person you had formed in your head, doesn't match the person he really is, that that person was a fantasy you had to keep going. It doesn't mean that the whole world is like that it is just a coping mechanism of us messy humans to keep going, especially in abusive relationships. It's one of the hardest reasons that getting over trama bonding is so hard because we don't want to give up that fantasy version of the person and really see the real person. If you have the time (personally I'd make the time) I'd see a kink friendly therapist that also had trama training because I think the two would help you process this a lot easier.
I feel the exact opposite of your husband...I enjoy humiliation and degradation...but it's not how I really think and feel about my partner... It's fantasy. Not real life for me. IRL I think it's extremely important to respect people bc they're human beings... I mean why would you be with someone you don't respect...??? Unless it's for selfish and self serving reasons.. From what I can tell, your husband has treated you horribly..
Sorry it turned out this way but glad you found out now rather then later. Your relationship is defined by its worst moments. Towards the end of my last relationship my partner refused to help with anything and told me it was my fault that I got sexually assaulted by a house mover when he left it up to me to move our entire home by myself.
Wtf ??? He is the worthless one, of course it's only a play and it shouldn't get out of the bedroom ! I have similar kinks and never my bf actually thought low of me ! He is always praising me outside the bedroom. It's not normal that your ex thinks like that
The trash took itself out. Throw the whole man away and start all over
Congratulations, you've made maybe the best decision of your life! Your husband sounds very much like a narcissist (npd) who started to split and discard you emotionally, I would guess, threatened by your success professionally and personally. Drove the nail in completely upon confrontation... his petulant childish cruelty is all too familiar. My soon to be ex husband is a dx NPD "Dom" and I'm literally going through, and went through, the Same. Exact. Process. Re: your narc.. A bad Dom & a worse husband, I truly cannot imagine something more Narc than lying and gaslighting a partner about a very common BDSM play practice they have done for close to a decade!!! I am however sorry for the pain you're dealing with, any relationship ending, even amicably, is extra work and turmoil to process. A 7 year marriage ending with a narcissistic partner.. after years of poor treatment and abuse while supporting your family...i feel righteous indignation FOR you. With my own, of course 😂 This road might be bumpy but make no mistake, it is the only road for you and you should be so proud of your badass strength! This man is not fit to clean your toilet let alone share your life! NPD abuse syndrome might be a good Google if you haven't yet ✌️🤗
I came here to say this. Having only just come out of a very similar relationship a few months back, I second OP reading up about NPD. My ex is a pitch perfect example and had similar traits of going from the "perfect partner/dom" who manipulated his way into my house. After 4 years, he wasn't working. I was working myself to the bone. He did nothing round the house or gave any support emotionally or physically and that aftercare was a forgettable inconvenience after getting his fill. Wishing you both well, I know it can feel like your head doesn't know if it's coming or going sometimes but it will get better and we will all be far better without them.
I'm sorry to hear that you experienced something similar but I'm so happy you're also getting out of it. I guess a d/s dynamic is so much harder to get out of than a normal relationship so more power to us for standing up for ourselves.
How are you? Hopefully you are safe. Just know you are awesome. And one of awesome things that you were able to deal with your emotions by being submissive. This is not anyone is able to do. This is scary as F! But you were able to enjoy it. And you were able to trust that is only speak highly of you.
I am doing much better. Thank you very much for your kind words and for checking up on me. I just posted an update <3
Jesus fucking christ, I am so so sorry. What a dickhead. Take care of yourself, and remember that what he thinks about you is NOT a genuine reflection on you, it is a reflection on him.
I’m so sorry. He was projecting. He’s still an asshole, but he was projecting. He needs to do A LOT of work on himself. You will land on your feet. Stay strong momma, weakness is not who you are.
What the fuck? How? What? Also there is a good chance he said that just to hurt you.
You were his sub. How dare he treat you like that? As a dom he is supposed to care for you and take care of you. Even if he’s not working it’s his responsibility to care for his submissive. He isn’t worth it. Degradation during a scene is much different than 24/7. Does he take things too far in everything else? Like an all or nothing type of person? Either way, it’s not healthy for you to deal with that.
I am so so sorry you have to go through this. You have made the right decision and you’re very strong. You will get through this.
Wow. I'm so sorry to hear what transpired. It must hurt a ton, but you'll get through this. The one saying grace in this, is that he left no doubt in your mind as to his true feelings, so you'll never have to doubt yourself that you are doing the right thing in divorcing him.
That sounds really unfortunate. Being valued and respected by your partner is always important. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, I hope you find someone who loves you and sees you as a hardworking woman (outside the bedroom)
Oh, I am so very sorry you're going through this, and glad your mother is there to help you. I could speculate on reasons an unemployed man might want to degrade the woman who is supporting him, but you know what? The reasons don't matter. He's treating you like shit, and you deserve a thousand times better. Change the locks, get security cameras, and talk to a lawyer. Although life will be rough for a while, you will be so much better off without the man your husband has become.
wow... that's truly awful and so heartbreaking I'm sure! I truly hope you can find some closure and obviously you are not worthless!!
I see you and very proud of you!!! Sorry about the situation and sounds like you got a great grasp on it.
I am so so so very sorry you are going through this. I don't think what you wanted in a dynamic was unusual, unhealthy, or unreasonable. And I don't think how you're feeling currently is anything short of completely understandable. It's hard to imagine being in your shoes and my heart aches thinking about it. I am glad you are separating, as that sounds like an abusive and unsafe environment for you and your child. A person who can devalue their partner in that way is not fit for partnership or parenthood. I wish you the very best. Your community is here for you
Bdsm to me is a consensual and shared enjoyment of a kink(s) my partner is into being verbally and physically degraded/humiliated 24/7. But my partner knows as I remind them often that the dehumanizing way I test her is only a kinky fetish and that outside the dynamic of our dom/sub lifestyle that she is loved, strong, hard-working, and a positive aspect in mine and many others lives. If your Dom does not see past the kink then in my eyes they are nothing more than a hateful being too insecure about themself to grow up and should be left behind as they are not worth your time. Been divorced once myself, It's not an easy process but I'm better for it and I feel you will be too once it's all over.
He deserves to leave respect and communication should have already been spoken of before. I hope you find a deserving dom
Im so fucking Sorry for you. This guy is just a big asshole. Like others said before, you only build a relationship like this on respect and appreciation. But at least you got rid of a bad person in your life. I wish you the best
I’m sorry you’re in this position. You did the right thing though. I feel you on not having any degradation in real life. That is also a hard limit for me. It’s like, if someone really hates you that much to mean all those things being said during sex, then no, it’s time to go. What’s funny is how he calls you worthless, but he’s the one that is worthless. Definitely projection happening there. He’s resentful. Self-hatred perhaps, for failing to take care of his family. It sounds like he’s not even trying. I’m sorry you’re going through all that. Glad your mom is there to help you through. Grieve the end of your marriage, but don’t forget you have your kiddo you must be a role model for. Good luck to you.
Seems to me that your husband is suffering from very low esteem, using you to blame all his failings on and hiding it in your previous sexual dynamic. So the truth is now out. I know it's hard to fathom, especially after all you've given and shared. Maybe he will find his way, maybe he won't. But you deserve better, much, much better my dear. You've taken the right steps. You are strong. Trust your instincts. One way or another things will work out.
I am so so sorry this happened to you, I can't imagine the heartbreak. This is not normal in the kink community at all. I have called my partner some very hurtful and derogatory things during sex, but I would be shattered if I thought even for a moment that she honest to God believed I thought she was worthless or stupid. It would break my heart into a million pieces, and for him to say that to you is beyond words. I hope someday you can look back on this, when you are with someone who treats you with the respect and admiration that you deserve, and be happy that you dropped him out of your life when you did. Again, I am so sorry he did this to you, and I hope you can heal.
I have already commented about how incredibly sorry I am that you are going through this 😥 But I'm alarmed by some of the advice I'm seeing in regards to divorce. This could get very ugly 😥 I would be very cautious and try to find a kink friendly atty asap, who has experience defending kinksters b/c if this guy is as much of an asshole as he sounds, he may well bring up your kinks (in gory detail) in both divorce and custody proceedings. Find a REALLY good lawyer and be honest with them. If the details come out in court, that may be a huge obstacle for you. Vanillas are not likely to understand. While we all see him for the giant AH he is, the court may not view you favorably. I'm sorry to bring this up, but it's never to soon to think about mitigating the damage, should your ex bring up your proclivities publicly. Unfortunately, it's not uncommon. I hope it doesn't happen, but better to be prepared. Edit:typos
In my opinion, degradation works BECAUSE it's play. If the things being said are genuinely meant, I'd call that abuse. This is not ok. Good for you for divorcing his ass
You're expressing confusion and doubt over being hung up on the fact that he said this. I'm confused about why you're confused! This is a horrific thing to say to a person, let alone a partner. You are entitled to every emotion you are feeling right now, and you deserve to give those emotions time and attention to sort through. He is exactly as in-the-wrong as you feel like he is.
Almost sounds like my husband. I walk away about 6 weeks ago. Their are people out their who know it is a kink and wont just treat us like crap. It seems like they are hard to find. But maybe someday…
I think you need to throw this worthless freeloader out on his ass.
I genuinely don’t know what to say- this actually brought me to tears. I’m so sorry. You deserve so much better and I’m so incredibly proud of you for leaving.
I think he's blaming his inadequacies on you. I like degradation but not when it's sincere. I think it would be super-glue-your-dick-to-your-stomach-while-you're-sleeping- so-you-can-piss-in-your-own-face-the-way-you-just-did-mine time if my dude told me he actually meant it when he called me a stupid cock addicted slut.
If the things Master says to me in a scene spilled into real life I'd be dead lol. It's a kink NOT his real feelings for me. I'm so sorry your husdom turned out to be like this but am glad he's out the door. You deserve better than this
Jesus. Both me and my partner agreed when I read the original post that your husband was being a dick and needed to grow the fuck up and help your out. This is so much worse than I imagined what was going on in his head. I'm so sorry, but I'm so glad you had the conversation and found out and then reacted appropriately. You are amazing and deserving of so much more.
Sending much love to you honey. It sounds like you are a million times the person he is. The hate he held for you is not at all normal or acceptable. I know for myself if I degrade my boyfriend/sub and subs none of the things I say are meant. I love or the very least care for and respect for them wholeheartedly. It sounds like your soon to be ex is a very messed up person that should not be anywhere near kink. 🫂💕
Kink is supposed to be spice not 100% reality and hurtful. All participants are supposed to be having a good time. Sounds like a user and abuser to me.
This is not normal. I am glad you had this conversation. Please stand your ground. Do NOT back down. Relationships especially ones that involve bdsm are based on mutual respect and it seems like he has lost that for you. Do what is right for you and your child.
He is the admiral of a battleship sized douche canoe ! Admiral douche canoe!
I experienced a very similar situation and I just want to say from the bottom of my heart that you did nothing wrong. If you’re anything like me, you want to believe the best in the people that you love and care about. It’s hard to imagine the things that people really think/feel when you’re not in that darkness. You deserve someone who lives and values you regardless of what you bring to the table
my hypothesis as an outsider who just read this out of context: convincing himself that you're worthless might be a very toxic coping mechanism following his job loss, and he's gaslighting you into thinking the dynamic was already like this in your happier years i could be wrong, but regardless of that, breaking up was the right thing to do, both for you (who deserves better) and him (who now has to get his shit together) be strong and focus on your future!
Sounds to me that you are doing the right thing. As others have said, this is not normal behaviour in any relationship let alone a lifestyle relationship. Irrespective of the bedroom dynamic, respect must flow both ways. By the sounds of it he never had respect for you, and you have most definitely lost respect for him. So I applaud your strength in deciding to move on with your life. I wish you every luck for the future.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. Genuinely, sounds like he's been using your kink as a way to slowly push you down as a form of abuse. One that he was hoping would make you stay with him and do everything while he does nothing. I'm glad you questioned things. It hurts, I know, but it's for the better.
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through that. It sounds like he’s let his personal circumstances get to him and he’s started projecting his bitterness and self loathing onto you. This is on him. I can’t image anyone would blame you for leaving him.
I would lose it too. My boyfriend says all sorts of things in bed but he doesn't believe them. Hell we've got a cuckqueen thing going on so in bed he very often tells me "maybe I should find someone else and just use them so you can learn to fo it better" I'm a huge fan of this talk but only because after he tells me I'm all he wants and how amazing I am and how much he loves me. I don't think he'd even degrade me in bed if it weren't such a huge kink for me.
> I don't think he'd even degrade me in bed if it weren't such a huge kink for me. I almost wonder if this is what was going on with OP's husband, like maybe he wasn't into BDSM & was doing it for her & so didn't understand that it's supposed to be play. I actually HOPE that's what it was b/c the other options are awful, either projection or just an abusive AH who doesn't respect his partner. Regardless, I feel so bad for OP :-( While this is the best thing to happen, it's certainly not easy after many years & kids. My heart goes out to OP.
My boyfriend and I were both in bdsm before getting together but yeah it can be hard for newer people to understand its just play. I also really hate this situation for op too.
Yeah, my husband is vanilla, so I can totally understand if hers was, maybe he thought it was real? While my hubby knows it's not real, he can also barely bring himself to do it b/c it's not who he is. IDK if that's the case here, just a thought for something that may explain something so crazy!
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My ex husband did it similar to yours. Degraded in and out of the bedroom and meant every moment. My husband, on the other hand, does it in bed and then reassures me outside the bedroom (were both switches, I'm majorly the dominant one but he gets a lot of in-bedroom Dom time). It's a very needed component.
Sorry you’re going through this. Sounds like you are absolutely better off without this deadbeat. It’s one thing to play this way in the bedroom. But another thing entirely if he actually thinks this of you outside the bedroom. Especially when it seems like you are carrying 100% of the load.
Oh holy shit this is horrible. I'm so, so sorry. I don't even have anything else to say other than that. Tight, supportive hugs. ♥️🌻
I can't imagine how hard it is. The only saving grace is that he was honest so you don't have to waste any more effort or spirit or love on him ever again. Talk about worthless... he is the epitome of a useless waste of skin.
He's confusing reality with porn. Seriously. I am so sorry. You don't deserve the objectively awful things he said to you. I wouldn't consider the context with which he's saying these things to you kink at this point in time. Kink is about symbiotic mutual pleasure, respect, appreciation of one other's vulnerability, & a deep connection full of trust & focused attention. I love to be degraded during a scene or when the moment is right but outside of that my Dom cherishes me & appreciates me in the same way I do him. We're a team & that makes our BDSM dynamic 10x's more delicious. Normal is feeling settled, connected, & excited in your dynamic, not chronically mentally beaten down. It's normal when things aren't working to have open discussions & to problem solve together. My Master would never say these things to me, ever, nor I to him. What you've been experiencing isn't healthy & I am glad you're getting out.
Big oof... As a good friend of mine once said about degradation play: "there is a huge difference between the sentences "you're a toy" and "you're my toy" because the second is focussed on ownership, interaction and care". Hearing that he lost this care aspect over time would have been hurtful enough. Realizing he never cared must have been devastating. I really hope you find a way for yourself and find love and care for yourself in it.
This is good that it happened. At least now you can drop the dead weight and move on with your life. You didn't deserve to be treated that way outside of the bedroom and this just makes it easier for you to move on. Take your time and don't push yourself too hard.
OP, i don't know Who you are, but you are worth, strong and now enjoy your life and your child. He fucked up all with his hands, and if i can say It i hope One day he can curse himself for what he says too you.
I am so sorry he said that to you. I am thoroughly appalled at this behavior and he truly never deserved you. I can't imagine why anyone could say things like that to someone they loved. Before I even finished reading your post I thought "I hope she divorced him." He isn't a man, he's a worm. 12 hours of work a day should never, ever go unnoticed. Especially by the father of your child. I hope your tears dry soon, I think you did precisely what I would've done in your shoes. You'll be okay, it always ends up okay. I'm sending prayers for you and your child, and I hope for your swift mental healing❤️
You are not crazy. He is likely a narcissist and the true colors are out. I’m getting a divorce for very similar reasons after 21 years of marriage.
Especially the asshole 's focus on her previous sexual experience devaluing her. Incel 101.
I would feel so extremely violated after this. I could never let him touch me again, let alone live with him or try to be in any kind of relationship. I'm so sorry, so many people are so good at hiding their true colors for so long. This isn't your fault at all. Please get away from him.
Be strong. You did the right thing. Take care of your child.
Whoa. That is some next level mentally ill, abusive stuff. Get as far away as you can and find a supportive therapist. I’m so sorry he turned into this.
“Only a worthless woman would allow a man to degrade her in bed” HOLY MISOGYNY BATMAN. I don’t really understand how you guys have been together seven years and this never came up before, but thank god. He sounds so scummy
He's lying. He doesn't actually think you're worthless, he just knows he's worthless and is projecting. Regardless, you're not worthless. Somewhere along the line he lost himself and this was his last little bit of power. You should celebrate yourself, you knew something was wrong and your intuition tipped you off, congrats on that.
OP, was this part of a pattern of abuse from your husband? If so, and your state still does at-fault divorce, you may be entitled to more in your divorce settlement.
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thanks for the comment. there's no going back but perhaps it did come from a place of hurt. nonetheless, a dom who has to let hurt/fear out on a sub needs to do a lot of work on themselves first.
Couldn't agree more
I dated and married an actuary. I am also an actuary. I later divorced the actuary.
What an idiot -- where do yall find these doms?!?! So many horror stories
I'm not a purist to think that all things kink should be role play, even though for me it is, but definitely you should have negotiated upfront and tell apart the tops that mean it and those that are only doing role play.
"The tops that mean it" are called abusers, and we don't negotiate with them, we kick them to the curb.
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He definitely said that as a way to hurt you and bring you down. He hit you where you’re vulnerable, I’m guessing because you hit him where he is vulnerable. The difference is that you were asking him to be better while he was actively trying to make you feel worse. What a cowardly, misogynistic loser he is. You’re going to feel 10,000 lbs lighter without having to shoulder his dead weight and he knows it. Wishing you the best of luck on this new part of your life ❤️
As a male and a DOM, I feel that this is truly F'd up. He has zero respect for you and has no business being in that position. I am so sorry you are going through this.
Give him the boot! Men wonder why women file for divorce. You are very much under appreciated in that relationship.
He definitely feels like this because you are so successful in your life and the only way he can feel better about himself is to believe he is above you, purely based on what you do in the bedroom. Why mention other people you may or may not have done this kink with? Ego, its all ego. Im really glad that YOU know your worth and didn't just take it. If you're worthless to him, then he can think that somewhere else.
I feel like I’ve seen this story before???
It was your other post!
If he has left the home, be sure to go ahead and change the locks. And get a damn good lawyer. Be sure to file for divorce quickly. Check the county you live in to see if they favor one party over another. If you are working and he is not then he will try and claim your income. Protect yourself.
I am sorry you are going through this. I wasn't in a BDSM relationship but ended up feeling like this in a previous relationship because it turned out she really thought lowly of me. You are amazing for standing up for yourself and you can surround yourself in people who really see you for the amazing person you are <3 Be kind to yourself.
That is absolutely horrendous. I am SO sorry and you deserve to be appreciated for all you do.
This sounds really painful. There is a huge difference between kink and being cruel. I hope this works out for you.
I like being degraded in bed, but if a mother trucker did that in public I’d rip them a new one. I’m glad you’re leaving him, OP. You deserve a better husband/Dom.
My stomach actually dropped when I read this and I'm happy you're getting a divorce. Everyone has already said the sentiment of good riddance, but I will add one thing, which, in the end, I hope helps with processing. He is sick, unwell and you just got the biggest dose of his illness straight to your face. When my husband and I separated, he realized that he was mentally unwell and used that as the impetus to step out. What just happened is beyond someone just being ungrateful and projecting, it was the last bit of the veil falling off of the rotting face of mental health that has deteriorated. What has caused this decline might be many things, but know as much as you want to be angry at him, that he is sick and you will see more of it before, and if, it gets better. I genuinely hope that you get into some therapy and I hope that he gets well too, to the point where you receive a genuine apology that you can trust. You didn't deserve that, but you get to choose how to move forward with it and I since it sounds like you're already a bad ass business woman I have faith you'll use this to grow and not wither!
I'm sorry to read this. It seems your husband has gone completely overboard! There are agreements that a D/s make before you work out the dynamic between you. Resentment is something that any good marriage cannot survive. Especially when one member goes off the deep end like he has. Youre duty is clear, you said out loud and you meant it! "I want a divorce!"...no matter what.. you're committed to doing this... And to save your sanity you have to. Perhaps after the dust has settled, your soon-to-be-ex, will grow up and become a man! Perhaps this will shock him back to reality. We're at a crossing right now, the pandemic is over, jobs are growing, economy is picking up, he will get a job? In the meantime...seek legal counsel and help. I wish you well. If you can be a submissive slave, you can do this too! Who knows your next Dom will be exactly what you need in your life?😋😉
Being a dom person doesn't mean he is a toxic, there is a difference between the two, I'm glad u did ask for a divorce, cut this toxic person from ur life.
My question is… what kind of person stays married to someone they don’t respect? How can you love someone you don’t respect? I hate to say this, but it seems pretty clear to me that he has been using you as a meal ticket. You would be much further ahead to kick him to the curb and replace him with a part time housekeeper and child care helper. I am so sorry you are going through this.
He definitely got jealous and insecure about the fact that he wasn’t filling his role as a “household keeper” and took it out on you, glad you got out of that relationship
I wish you'd update because I want to hear him fail
Thank you for checking up on me. I just posted an update <3
I’ve just read you latest post and caught up with your previous ones (can’t comment on the latest as it’s locked) and firstly I just want to say congratulations for your freedom and that you are really brave. Sharing your story will help so many people maybe in the same situation. Similar to you, after a split from an abusive relationship I took a long break from the lifestyle completely. I hope you find all the peace you need. Congratulations 🥂