I think one of two things is likely true:
1. He might be telling the truth. Life can get busy, and the timing might be coincidental. If after a couple days he comes back with the same energy prior, then it probably was just a rough spot. I know my week can be going fine, and one shitty day at work can really drain my energy for a couple days.
2. He could be "punishing" you. And I use quotation marks, because this isn't a punishment, its immature and manipulative behaviour. It's okay for him to be upset about not being able to bring in a third, but he needs to communicate this. He needs to still be a respectful partner, and ghosting someone is not healthy or normal behaviour. Please do not think this is normal or acceptable (unless discussed as a part of the dynamic and agreed upon by BOTH parties beforehand). You can't just spring a punishment on your sub without asking for consent first. That's shitty domming. If this is the case, this is a pretty big red flag. When I am sad about missing a scene, I calmly say "Hey I totally get that you're feeling tired and we can't play today. I am sad because of that. I was excited. But I also don't want to play if you're not feeling it. I am excited to play on a future day this week though". Expressing that someone is sad, mad, frustrated is normal. But it requires communication.
Overall I'd give it another couple days. I'd give him an opportunity to come back with the same energy. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt about having a full schedule. But if this behaviour doesn't change soon, and especially if he isn't communicating or able to talk about it, then it's quite concerning and not normal dom behaviour
There's a 2.b option. Hearing a No hurt his ego. And it's making him feel detached from you. He might be needing some space to recover where he feels the previous degree of connection with you, or it might need proactive effort from both parties to heal him where it hurts so you can move on.
To be clear, you were well within your rights and most likely made the right call by saying No.
Hmmmmm, I’m always sceptical of anyone who says “Hey so I know we already agreed that this is off the table, but what if we did it anyway? No? Oh yeah I was just kidding/testing/teasing lol yeah nah I didn’t mean it well done you passed! Unless…?”
Anyway. Benefit of the doubt time: if this has happened before when he’s been busy, and after 10 months you probably know what he’s like when he’s busy (unless he lives at the North Pole), then it’s probably that.
Otherwise- it could be that he’s being a bit immature. Worst case scenario, he’s already got someone in mind and was hoping you’d say yes. Either way, I’d say it’s worth sending him a message saying basically what you’ve said here.
Thank you, our communication has always been excellent even when discussing certain issues. He has always initiated the conversation to talk about it in-depth so we can work through it. This is out of character which is why I'm questioning it. Will see what the next few days brings. If I'm given the silent treatment that will be my answer. I will be disappointed as what I've learnt so far this goes against the fundamentals of what a D/S relationship should be
In my opinion, BDSM relies on clear, open and honest communication; silent treatment is the opposite of that, IMO. Plus I think that effectively punishing you for enforcing a boundary - *especially* one already stated - is a dick move.
It’s also unfortunate that he’s done this after what sounds like an intense session when you may have needed him to be there for you.
One thought - it’s perfectly OK to not what to share. There seems to be a perception that if you’re a sub, you have to be ok with your Dom having multiple subs beside you; that’s not true. Porn etc does give that impression, but the reality is that the overwhelming number of dynamics/relationships are monogamous, just like vanilla relationships. You don’t need a reason to say no, but you shouldn’t be coerced into saying yes.
Sounds like he was testing the water for a one penis policy to be put in place as opposed to exclusivity.
Maybe he's not "punishing" you (other comments clarifying that a punishment should be still negotiated, consensual and understood immediately to be one is correct here) and the timing is just happenstance, but I'd wager he's pouting and giving you silent treatment when he got told no.
I'd also be rather curious to find out whether or not he had someone in mind/lined up to join you.
I've told him I'm not interested in adding in another guy because I feel like that will disrupt our dynamic but I do feel like that is double standards on his behalf. He did have someone in mind, a friend of mine (he has not met). If I were to agree it wouldn't be with a friend
It is a double standard and the fact that he has someone in mind is concerning. For me other females are off limits. I know I can not mentally handle it if my guy is doing anything with another woman. I don’t get jealous but I beat myself up about not being enough for him. I also fully acknowledge that I have a double standard because I would be fine with adding another male. I explain this clearly and the fact that I know it is a double standard so I have zero problem with my guy saying there will not be any other guys.
I think you need to talk to him, if you can’t than let him read this.
Your Daddy should be the safest place in the entire world.
You shouldn’t need to be posting here to ask us if your thoughts and feelings are valid.
If you struggle with feeling secure and low or no communication makes you feel abandoned or unimportant or anything negative what-so-ever, then you need to communicate that.
If my sub expressed this to me, I would bend over backwards to reassure and rebuild that trust.
If there’s a part of you that is telling you something is up, trust it.
If you can’t communicate your thoughts, feelings, boundaries, expectations, limits, hard limits… then you’re not in a healthy BDSM dynamic.
You get to define your dynamic. So if it’s important to you, you should do that.
Great advice, thank you. That's exactly how this is making me feel. I guess I need to have that tough conversation with him and see how he responds to my concerns. Whether it's good or bad it's better to know
The fact that you’re hesitant to talk to him breaks my heart for you.
That should be encouraged. Please make it part of your dynamic. This should be a boundary of yours moving forward.
I would strongly recommend sitting down with pen and paper and literally writing out what you want and need. This might seem really basic, but for so many relationships and dynamics, it really isn’t.
I haven't been in the past, we have had lots of in depth conversations about my past traumas and current struggles, things I haven't told other people before and he has been very supportive and helpful. I can feel a shift this time which is making me feel hesitant to talk to him.
I understand.
It’s so okay to be afraid of losing what you have!
But if he is ignoring you and you are ignoring you, then who has your best interests at heart?
You need to speak up and check-in, for yourself and your dynamic.
If you expressing yourself and setting boundaries has made him pull away… is that a dynamic or Daddy that you want?
Don’t set yourself on fire to make others warm, it doesn’t work.
Best response here, to top it off it sounds like you have abandonment fears and if that’s the case it’s time to throw the relationship style punishments on the table as hard limits. My sub and I both have had horrible relationships in the past and because of this our trust is easily challenged by silence so breaks in dynamic, silent treatment etc these types of punishments are not allowed in our dynamic or relationship. Talk to your Dom and tell him how the shift is making you feel, he’ll correct it and make it better if he has your best interests at heart like any good Dom should.
From my own experience so take with a grain of salt:
He probably already has another girl lined up. By asking if y’all can introduce a third, he wants to introduce the other girl. He already picked out and has been talking to.
You need to talk to him and be prepared to GTFO .
Sounds like he broke his own rule and has added or is seeing another sub and wants to have her included under the cover of "experience".
You rejected the "offer" so he played it off as a being "cheeky".
I'd be very cautious going forward. I'd say he has this third already lined up.
Added to the fact that all of a sudden he's distant, could be punishing you for rejecting WHICH IS *NOT* YOUR FAULT.
Or he's "busy".
You may be inexperienced but you're not foolish. Keep the dynamic how it is.
It’s not uncommon for days and weeks to go through Ebbs and flows but it is strange timing. I’d have a talk and raise the issue because if he is sulking, that’s just shitty behaviour.
Thats what I'm worried about. In the past I have set my hard limits which he was totally fine with, some of them we have renegotiated now that we have built trust. I would be disappointed if he was sulking about this particular request
I wouldn’t call it a punishment if he didn’t name it as one. The timing may just be bad that this happened and his schedule happened to be busy at the same time. Or he is interested in adding a third and bc of your response he was disappointed. If that’s the case then he should be honest with you about it. I personally would give it a couple more days and bring the subject up and be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling. It’s okay to need some reassurance that he wasn’t upset with your response. Sometimes renegotiating of terms need to happen and perhaps bringing in another girl for play is one of them.
Ill give it a few days, could just be the timing, this also come the day after our session when I needed his reassurance the most. That could also be playing a part. I'm happy to renegotiate and I did tell him I don't want him to feel like he can't express his desires with me. With my immediate response being "no" without talking to him about my concerns this may have lead to a miscommunication. Thank you for your prospective, I appreciate all different point of views
I would express that too…that it was hard and perhaps more emotional and maybe reading into things as you two just came off from a session. Hope it all gets cleared up and you feel better!
I have my doubts about how experienced he is.
And the whole “Hey, how about I form a harem…oh you‘re not into that…..lol I was just kidding, lol” thing isn’t very believable.
Ugh, the whole pretending it was just a joke after you said no is so gross and dishonest. That alone would be an issue for me. If things don't go back to normal quick, I would think he's mad he didn't get what he wanted. Clearly another red flag as he seems to think a sub should just do whatever he wants, which isn't at all how it works.
You have so many good answer . So I will just add hope for the best be ready for the worse . He may just be busy that’s the best , he may be using this tactic to make you be ok to add another partner later have many. He will cut you off
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I think one of two things is likely true: 1. He might be telling the truth. Life can get busy, and the timing might be coincidental. If after a couple days he comes back with the same energy prior, then it probably was just a rough spot. I know my week can be going fine, and one shitty day at work can really drain my energy for a couple days. 2. He could be "punishing" you. And I use quotation marks, because this isn't a punishment, its immature and manipulative behaviour. It's okay for him to be upset about not being able to bring in a third, but he needs to communicate this. He needs to still be a respectful partner, and ghosting someone is not healthy or normal behaviour. Please do not think this is normal or acceptable (unless discussed as a part of the dynamic and agreed upon by BOTH parties beforehand). You can't just spring a punishment on your sub without asking for consent first. That's shitty domming. If this is the case, this is a pretty big red flag. When I am sad about missing a scene, I calmly say "Hey I totally get that you're feeling tired and we can't play today. I am sad because of that. I was excited. But I also don't want to play if you're not feeling it. I am excited to play on a future day this week though". Expressing that someone is sad, mad, frustrated is normal. But it requires communication. Overall I'd give it another couple days. I'd give him an opportunity to come back with the same energy. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt about having a full schedule. But if this behaviour doesn't change soon, and especially if he isn't communicating or able to talk about it, then it's quite concerning and not normal dom behaviour
Thank you so much for your reply and advice, I really appreciate it.
There's a 2.b option. Hearing a No hurt his ego. And it's making him feel detached from you. He might be needing some space to recover where he feels the previous degree of connection with you, or it might need proactive effort from both parties to heal him where it hurts so you can move on. To be clear, you were well within your rights and most likely made the right call by saying No.
Hmmmmm, I’m always sceptical of anyone who says “Hey so I know we already agreed that this is off the table, but what if we did it anyway? No? Oh yeah I was just kidding/testing/teasing lol yeah nah I didn’t mean it well done you passed! Unless…?” Anyway. Benefit of the doubt time: if this has happened before when he’s been busy, and after 10 months you probably know what he’s like when he’s busy (unless he lives at the North Pole), then it’s probably that. Otherwise- it could be that he’s being a bit immature. Worst case scenario, he’s already got someone in mind and was hoping you’d say yes. Either way, I’d say it’s worth sending him a message saying basically what you’ve said here.
Thank you, our communication has always been excellent even when discussing certain issues. He has always initiated the conversation to talk about it in-depth so we can work through it. This is out of character which is why I'm questioning it. Will see what the next few days brings. If I'm given the silent treatment that will be my answer. I will be disappointed as what I've learnt so far this goes against the fundamentals of what a D/S relationship should be
In my opinion, BDSM relies on clear, open and honest communication; silent treatment is the opposite of that, IMO. Plus I think that effectively punishing you for enforcing a boundary - *especially* one already stated - is a dick move. It’s also unfortunate that he’s done this after what sounds like an intense session when you may have needed him to be there for you. One thought - it’s perfectly OK to not what to share. There seems to be a perception that if you’re a sub, you have to be ok with your Dom having multiple subs beside you; that’s not true. Porn etc does give that impression, but the reality is that the overwhelming number of dynamics/relationships are monogamous, just like vanilla relationships. You don’t need a reason to say no, but you shouldn’t be coerced into saying yes.
Thank you so much for your response, this has made me feel like I'm not overacting and my concerns are valid
[удалено]
Thank you. I will definitely give him the benefit of doubt and see how the next few days go
Sounds like he was testing the water for a one penis policy to be put in place as opposed to exclusivity. Maybe he's not "punishing" you (other comments clarifying that a punishment should be still negotiated, consensual and understood immediately to be one is correct here) and the timing is just happenstance, but I'd wager he's pouting and giving you silent treatment when he got told no. I'd also be rather curious to find out whether or not he had someone in mind/lined up to join you.
I've told him I'm not interested in adding in another guy because I feel like that will disrupt our dynamic but I do feel like that is double standards on his behalf. He did have someone in mind, a friend of mine (he has not met). If I were to agree it wouldn't be with a friend
It is absolutely double standards on his behalf.
It is a double standard and the fact that he has someone in mind is concerning. For me other females are off limits. I know I can not mentally handle it if my guy is doing anything with another woman. I don’t get jealous but I beat myself up about not being enough for him. I also fully acknowledge that I have a double standard because I would be fine with adding another male. I explain this clearly and the fact that I know it is a double standard so I have zero problem with my guy saying there will not be any other guys. I think you need to talk to him, if you can’t than let him read this.
Your Daddy should be the safest place in the entire world. You shouldn’t need to be posting here to ask us if your thoughts and feelings are valid. If you struggle with feeling secure and low or no communication makes you feel abandoned or unimportant or anything negative what-so-ever, then you need to communicate that. If my sub expressed this to me, I would bend over backwards to reassure and rebuild that trust. If there’s a part of you that is telling you something is up, trust it. If you can’t communicate your thoughts, feelings, boundaries, expectations, limits, hard limits… then you’re not in a healthy BDSM dynamic. You get to define your dynamic. So if it’s important to you, you should do that.
Great advice, thank you. That's exactly how this is making me feel. I guess I need to have that tough conversation with him and see how he responds to my concerns. Whether it's good or bad it's better to know
The fact that you’re hesitant to talk to him breaks my heart for you. That should be encouraged. Please make it part of your dynamic. This should be a boundary of yours moving forward. I would strongly recommend sitting down with pen and paper and literally writing out what you want and need. This might seem really basic, but for so many relationships and dynamics, it really isn’t.
I haven't been in the past, we have had lots of in depth conversations about my past traumas and current struggles, things I haven't told other people before and he has been very supportive and helpful. I can feel a shift this time which is making me feel hesitant to talk to him.
I understand. It’s so okay to be afraid of losing what you have! But if he is ignoring you and you are ignoring you, then who has your best interests at heart? You need to speak up and check-in, for yourself and your dynamic. If you expressing yourself and setting boundaries has made him pull away… is that a dynamic or Daddy that you want? Don’t set yourself on fire to make others warm, it doesn’t work.
Best response here, to top it off it sounds like you have abandonment fears and if that’s the case it’s time to throw the relationship style punishments on the table as hard limits. My sub and I both have had horrible relationships in the past and because of this our trust is easily challenged by silence so breaks in dynamic, silent treatment etc these types of punishments are not allowed in our dynamic or relationship. Talk to your Dom and tell him how the shift is making you feel, he’ll correct it and make it better if he has your best interests at heart like any good Dom should.
From my own experience so take with a grain of salt: He probably already has another girl lined up. By asking if y’all can introduce a third, he wants to introduce the other girl. He already picked out and has been talking to. You need to talk to him and be prepared to GTFO .
Sounds like he broke his own rule and has added or is seeing another sub and wants to have her included under the cover of "experience". You rejected the "offer" so he played it off as a being "cheeky". I'd be very cautious going forward. I'd say he has this third already lined up. Added to the fact that all of a sudden he's distant, could be punishing you for rejecting WHICH IS *NOT* YOUR FAULT. Or he's "busy". You may be inexperienced but you're not foolish. Keep the dynamic how it is.
It’s not uncommon for days and weeks to go through Ebbs and flows but it is strange timing. I’d have a talk and raise the issue because if he is sulking, that’s just shitty behaviour.
Thats what I'm worried about. In the past I have set my hard limits which he was totally fine with, some of them we have renegotiated now that we have built trust. I would be disappointed if he was sulking about this particular request
I wouldn’t call it a punishment if he didn’t name it as one. The timing may just be bad that this happened and his schedule happened to be busy at the same time. Or he is interested in adding a third and bc of your response he was disappointed. If that’s the case then he should be honest with you about it. I personally would give it a couple more days and bring the subject up and be honest about what you’re thinking and feeling. It’s okay to need some reassurance that he wasn’t upset with your response. Sometimes renegotiating of terms need to happen and perhaps bringing in another girl for play is one of them.
Ill give it a few days, could just be the timing, this also come the day after our session when I needed his reassurance the most. That could also be playing a part. I'm happy to renegotiate and I did tell him I don't want him to feel like he can't express his desires with me. With my immediate response being "no" without talking to him about my concerns this may have lead to a miscommunication. Thank you for your prospective, I appreciate all different point of views
I would express that too…that it was hard and perhaps more emotional and maybe reading into things as you two just came off from a session. Hope it all gets cleared up and you feel better!
I have my doubts about how experienced he is. And the whole “Hey, how about I form a harem…oh you‘re not into that…..lol I was just kidding, lol” thing isn’t very believable.
Ugh, the whole pretending it was just a joke after you said no is so gross and dishonest. That alone would be an issue for me. If things don't go back to normal quick, I would think he's mad he didn't get what he wanted. Clearly another red flag as he seems to think a sub should just do whatever he wants, which isn't at all how it works.
You have so many good answer . So I will just add hope for the best be ready for the worse . He may just be busy that’s the best , he may be using this tactic to make you be ok to add another partner later have many. He will cut you off
Is this an online relationship?
Nope, we met online but have been seeing each other in person the whole time.
Part of me thinks he may have found another lady to play with.
It's possible. We has reached out now and I explained my concerns and he apologised for being insensitive which he didnt mean. Will see how things go
Good luck x
Not in a relationship but exclusive so you’re in a relationship?
I guess but not a conventional relationship by any means.