There really isn’t any “normal” when it comes to things like this. What *should* happen IMO is an open and honest discussion of expectations, wants, likes and dislikes and so on upfront, when you’d discuss what she’s doing with all these other people, whether her husband knows, what impact her marriage and other relationships will have on you and so on.
I’d suggest having that conversation ASAP.
As a poly person with multiple Doms, I would never allow a Dom of mine to set rules that dictate what I’m allowed to do with another partner in that way. Boundaries around sexual health and safety are totally appropriate (ie agreements about using barriers), but I would never agree to rules that limit my autonomy to make choices within my individual relationships. I think that would be dehumanizing to my other partners, and it’s important to me that I have the freedom to develop other relationships in a way that is organic and free of restriction. There isn’t a “normal” in how poly people do relationships - but this situation in particular would be a dealbreaker for me.
Sounds like she already has a Dom. If you are comfortable with that, you can proceed and ask questions about what are her rules around relationships. Right now sounds like he is her Dom.
Right, and being new to this and her too, she had made it sound like she was exploring with both of us? We started off with just great sex and she brought up the idea of me taking more of a dominant role. Do I stop with trying to be a dom to her then?
You have to ask her that question. It is extremely hard as a submissive to have multiple Doms unless it is strictly limited to the bedroom which doesn't sound to be the case.
Service topping, topping and being in a meaningful D/s relationship are all very different.
Think of what you are, what you want and then go discuss if that is something that she/they are wanting from you.
Or just rail her, give her some silly rules to annoy D no2 and sit back for the ridiculousness of the situation to settle in.
personally I would just enjoy the ride. But in no way consider this situation as BDSM.
Idk, personally I see my dominance as a certain amount domain within parameters. I have played with folk who have protocols that made what I normally want unattainable. That just meant I had to be more creative.
Additionally, my sub is not always allowed to cum. That just means anyone else who plays with him can do anything he consents to except that, which in his case is a lot.
Everyone has limits. For some they are physical or emotional. For some, they come with additional limits imposed by another dominant. I think of it as not unlike being lent a toy, playing with it properly, & returning it as nicely as possible.
If I'm not comfortable with another dom's (reasonable) limits, that's usually more about my ego than anything else.
An outside person determining the rules in my relationship is not something I could tolerate. What if she says that she couldn't orgasm with you, or that she couldn't make you orgasm? Do you get to make completely unreasonable rules about how she interacts with her other Dom since she said you could have made the rule too?
You need to establish boundaries with her of what you are okay with and what you aren't okay with. If you like the idea of someone else having control over you and your relationship , go for it and enjoy. If this were me, I would have walked.
> idea of someone
Yeah after hearing the story , it kinda makes you feel like an after thought.
Like btw me and my Dom decided this and you don't have a say.
If she really thinks you are equal with her other partner then she would've discussed this with you before proceeding. Personally I would walk away.
In my opinion it's very challenging for a submissive to serve multiple Doms unless those Doms coordinate and have agreement on the rules and protocols.
In this scenario the first Dom is essentially dictating the parameters of the dynamic/relationship you can have with her. She gets what she wants but you're limited to what she's permitted based on his requirements.
If it we me I'd move on since you're plasecind fiddle to someone else.
All the best.
It sounds like bad hinging on her part. You could tell her, "I'm not comfortable that your other partners can set rules that affect our relationship with each other." But ultimately, it's her choice whether she's willing to step up and protect your relationship, or if she'll continue having messy boundaries and allowing other partners to make rules that bind you. If you're not happy with how she's managing her multiple relationships, that's a very valid reason to break up.
Another partner setting rules that effect other relationships they are not in is shitty. Plain and simple. The fact she agreed to it is shittier still. Because now you are in the position of having rules set about your relationship with her, by someone else who isn't involved in that relationship, without your consent, and with her allowing/encouraging it regardless. That's not a good position for you, and not a good look for her or the other partner.
Personally, I'd bail on that. Because it displays a complete lack of respect for you, your autonomy, and the relationship she has with you. If you want to give a shot at fixing it, you can try to talk to her and explain that it is not reasonable for an external partner to get to exert their control over her within the confines of *your* relationship. But it seems like she may be too deep in frenzy land or lacking enough experience to really see the problem with that.
I have subbed for multiple Doms before on a few occasions. It was fun, but it was *hard.* For me and for the doms. I'd do it again with the right people, but it's probably not something I'll actively pursue again.
At the end of the day, I don't think this is inherently a red flag, depending on how the dynamic has been negotiated.
* If you've negotiated that rules are first come first serve, then she's just playing by that.
* If you have negotiated something else that this violates, that's a red flag.
* If you haven't negotiated at all how to address it when rules conflict or limit one of the other partners, then you've missed a (in my opinion) vital step in making a dynamic like this work. Which is not a judgement! It's easy to miss, especially if you haven't played like this before, but its not too late to negotiate. If you can't agree on what to do in that situation, or if she resists negotiating it for some reason, then yeah, I'd walk away.
I saw in another comment that you are new to D/s. Im all for jumping into the deep end on most things, but a multi-dominant dynamic is *hard,* and I don't know that I'd recommend it for a first time.
If it's helpful, I can go into details about how I handled this, but what worked for me may not work for you, and I tend to over explain so it could be overwhelming. 😂
I appreciate the advice. I’m definitely new, and have been cautiously getting into it. I definitely don’t want to overstep anything. I know I’m by no means a great dom at this point and if I do find another person I get into with this , that will definitely be my first question, if there is any other doms and if there are any rules that would spill into other relationships. I have reached out to her and asked about if other rules may come up and if they would affect us. I also made it perfectly clear I’m done if that’s the case. Ive expressed I’m not happy about her decision but will continue to see her but as for right now, I’ve given up on continuing a dom sub dynamic with her as we did start out as just casually having sex, and that was always good. I will see if I feel like exploring that area with her again? I really enjoyed it, but feel that she has her dom and it’s obviously not me.
This is a little more of a polyamorous problem than BDSM. As a poly person, I don’t let one partner tell me what I can or cannot do with my other partners. It’s a little frowned on in the community too just from conversations that I’ve had with other people.
You can build a relationship organically with someone when an external person is pushing their own agenda onto it. This other boyfriend of hers sounds like he hasn’t fully mastered his instinctual jealousy and is attempting to control her as a way to regulate his own feelings. I would personally have a conversation with her about that being an issue (because this is only the first time that’s going to affect you directly) and if she can’t draw healthy lines around her own relationships, I wouldn’t be involved with her.
I have been asked not to allow anal with any additional partners by my Master. It wasn't a huge deal because while I enjoyed it in the past, it hasn't been as exceptional of an experience as it is with Him. Even if it wasn't, I would respect His command. Different dynamic rules, so I'll shift perspective.
I would not allow such a stipulation from a Dom if it was an open dynamic. But I also have an oral fixation.
Maybe she just doesn't want to be mean and say she doesn't enjoy the way you taste?
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There really isn’t any “normal” when it comes to things like this. What *should* happen IMO is an open and honest discussion of expectations, wants, likes and dislikes and so on upfront, when you’d discuss what she’s doing with all these other people, whether her husband knows, what impact her marriage and other relationships will have on you and so on. I’d suggest having that conversation ASAP.
It sounds like OP has a Dom and it’s her Dom controlling OP via proxy without consent. I’d be out.
As a poly person with multiple Doms, I would never allow a Dom of mine to set rules that dictate what I’m allowed to do with another partner in that way. Boundaries around sexual health and safety are totally appropriate (ie agreements about using barriers), but I would never agree to rules that limit my autonomy to make choices within my individual relationships. I think that would be dehumanizing to my other partners, and it’s important to me that I have the freedom to develop other relationships in a way that is organic and free of restriction. There isn’t a “normal” in how poly people do relationships - but this situation in particular would be a dealbreaker for me.
Thisssssssss.
Sounds like she already has a Dom. If you are comfortable with that, you can proceed and ask questions about what are her rules around relationships. Right now sounds like he is her Dom.
Right, and being new to this and her too, she had made it sound like she was exploring with both of us? We started off with just great sex and she brought up the idea of me taking more of a dominant role. Do I stop with trying to be a dom to her then?
You have to ask her that question. It is extremely hard as a submissive to have multiple Doms unless it is strictly limited to the bedroom which doesn't sound to be the case.
Service topping, topping and being in a meaningful D/s relationship are all very different. Think of what you are, what you want and then go discuss if that is something that she/they are wanting from you. Or just rail her, give her some silly rules to annoy D no2 and sit back for the ridiculousness of the situation to settle in. personally I would just enjoy the ride. But in no way consider this situation as BDSM.
Idk, personally I see my dominance as a certain amount domain within parameters. I have played with folk who have protocols that made what I normally want unattainable. That just meant I had to be more creative. Additionally, my sub is not always allowed to cum. That just means anyone else who plays with him can do anything he consents to except that, which in his case is a lot. Everyone has limits. For some they are physical or emotional. For some, they come with additional limits imposed by another dominant. I think of it as not unlike being lent a toy, playing with it properly, & returning it as nicely as possible. If I'm not comfortable with another dom's (reasonable) limits, that's usually more about my ego than anything else.
An outside person determining the rules in my relationship is not something I could tolerate. What if she says that she couldn't orgasm with you, or that she couldn't make you orgasm? Do you get to make completely unreasonable rules about how she interacts with her other Dom since she said you could have made the rule too? You need to establish boundaries with her of what you are okay with and what you aren't okay with. If you like the idea of someone else having control over you and your relationship , go for it and enjoy. If this were me, I would have walked.
Thank you for that prospective!
> idea of someone Yeah after hearing the story , it kinda makes you feel like an after thought. Like btw me and my Dom decided this and you don't have a say. If she really thinks you are equal with her other partner then she would've discussed this with you before proceeding. Personally I would walk away.
In my opinion it's very challenging for a submissive to serve multiple Doms unless those Doms coordinate and have agreement on the rules and protocols. In this scenario the first Dom is essentially dictating the parameters of the dynamic/relationship you can have with her. She gets what she wants but you're limited to what she's permitted based on his requirements. If it we me I'd move on since you're plasecind fiddle to someone else. All the best.
Thank you
It sounds like bad hinging on her part. You could tell her, "I'm not comfortable that your other partners can set rules that affect our relationship with each other." But ultimately, it's her choice whether she's willing to step up and protect your relationship, or if she'll continue having messy boundaries and allowing other partners to make rules that bind you. If you're not happy with how she's managing her multiple relationships, that's a very valid reason to break up.
THIS
Another partner setting rules that effect other relationships they are not in is shitty. Plain and simple. The fact she agreed to it is shittier still. Because now you are in the position of having rules set about your relationship with her, by someone else who isn't involved in that relationship, without your consent, and with her allowing/encouraging it regardless. That's not a good position for you, and not a good look for her or the other partner. Personally, I'd bail on that. Because it displays a complete lack of respect for you, your autonomy, and the relationship she has with you. If you want to give a shot at fixing it, you can try to talk to her and explain that it is not reasonable for an external partner to get to exert their control over her within the confines of *your* relationship. But it seems like she may be too deep in frenzy land or lacking enough experience to really see the problem with that.
I have subbed for multiple Doms before on a few occasions. It was fun, but it was *hard.* For me and for the doms. I'd do it again with the right people, but it's probably not something I'll actively pursue again. At the end of the day, I don't think this is inherently a red flag, depending on how the dynamic has been negotiated. * If you've negotiated that rules are first come first serve, then she's just playing by that. * If you have negotiated something else that this violates, that's a red flag. * If you haven't negotiated at all how to address it when rules conflict or limit one of the other partners, then you've missed a (in my opinion) vital step in making a dynamic like this work. Which is not a judgement! It's easy to miss, especially if you haven't played like this before, but its not too late to negotiate. If you can't agree on what to do in that situation, or if she resists negotiating it for some reason, then yeah, I'd walk away. I saw in another comment that you are new to D/s. Im all for jumping into the deep end on most things, but a multi-dominant dynamic is *hard,* and I don't know that I'd recommend it for a first time. If it's helpful, I can go into details about how I handled this, but what worked for me may not work for you, and I tend to over explain so it could be overwhelming. 😂
I appreciate the advice. I’m definitely new, and have been cautiously getting into it. I definitely don’t want to overstep anything. I know I’m by no means a great dom at this point and if I do find another person I get into with this , that will definitely be my first question, if there is any other doms and if there are any rules that would spill into other relationships. I have reached out to her and asked about if other rules may come up and if they would affect us. I also made it perfectly clear I’m done if that’s the case. Ive expressed I’m not happy about her decision but will continue to see her but as for right now, I’ve given up on continuing a dom sub dynamic with her as we did start out as just casually having sex, and that was always good. I will see if I feel like exploring that area with her again? I really enjoyed it, but feel that she has her dom and it’s obviously not me.
This is a little more of a polyamorous problem than BDSM. As a poly person, I don’t let one partner tell me what I can or cannot do with my other partners. It’s a little frowned on in the community too just from conversations that I’ve had with other people. You can build a relationship organically with someone when an external person is pushing their own agenda onto it. This other boyfriend of hers sounds like he hasn’t fully mastered his instinctual jealousy and is attempting to control her as a way to regulate his own feelings. I would personally have a conversation with her about that being an issue (because this is only the first time that’s going to affect you directly) and if she can’t draw healthy lines around her own relationships, I wouldn’t be involved with her.
I have been asked not to allow anal with any additional partners by my Master. It wasn't a huge deal because while I enjoyed it in the past, it hasn't been as exceptional of an experience as it is with Him. Even if it wasn't, I would respect His command. Different dynamic rules, so I'll shift perspective. I would not allow such a stipulation from a Dom if it was an open dynamic. But I also have an oral fixation. Maybe she just doesn't want to be mean and say she doesn't enjoy the way you taste?