This is all just exhausting. It's really not supposed to be this difficult. It's been 4 months, you're not working out and it's not going to get any better. Truly, it isn't.
Frankly this just sounds like plain old incompatibilty.
Yeah maybe he might be able to give you more time, attention and sex but considering you're still meant to be in the honeymoon phase, it's likely just going to get less from here.
It's at this point where you have a few choices;
1) Voice your concerns again. He listens, things change.
2) Voice your concerns again. He promises to change, perhaps even does for a while but eventually circles back to this.
3) You stay and settle with what you're clearly unhappy with.
4) You leave.
Thanks for your reply š
I appreciate we are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. However, what happens when ālife stressorsā get in the way of that? Should I be more considerate?
Like mortgages etc. What would be a healthy way to navigate that?
Life stressors always exist so that doesnāt take away from the honeymoon phase or the question of compatibility. I had an ex who completely wrecked our relationship as soon as āstressā got in the way. We built a house together. We were under the same stress yet somehow he was allowed to act like an indecent human being? No way
How people manage their own life stressors is key to a relationship. You have responsibilities too. Simply because he struggles to manage his while you can do yours well does not mean you should accept poorer treatment. Don't make excuses for him that he doesn't deserve because he has a hard time having a mortgage. That's an adult choice he made and he should not be treating you badly because he's stressed about his own decisions. Don't accommodate bad treatment from a man for any reason, particularly his own inability to manage his own life. Women make excuses for man babies all the time and bend and caretake into their own terrible treatment and you don't need to do that.
I think it's time to move on. Relationships take work to keep going, but this sounds like you guys are just incompatible. It's okay! You're learning what you deserve in a relationship, and you found something that worked better than the last one but just isn't there yet. Maybe talk to him and see if things can be different, but in general people don't really change. I'm not optimistic.
You're welcome! Learning what a healthy relationship is (and isn't) is something that a lot of people discover the hard way. It's a skill we aren't really taught, unfortunately.
I think it's time to move on! Not worth the hassle if it's not a mutual situation. I get being tired every once in a while. Not for straight rejection most times. Sex is supposed to be fun and helps unwind. Definitely not compatible š.
Thanks for your input āŗļø
I really do like him as a person and heās a nice boyfriend. When we do scene I feel amazing and he says he does too
But I just feel like the inconsistency is frustrating.
Why would he want a relationship if heās too stressed? Why wouldnāt he break up with me if Iām adding to the stress of his life?
My take: the idea of a kinky woman with a high sex drive was hot and irresistible. Then reality sinks in that he cannot meet your needs. Feeling inadequate, he does the immature thing of making you think you're the problem. Why doesn't he end it? To not lose access to the free, hot, kinky sex he does get from you when he can.
ETA: You're a high functioning person. Anyone who doesn't respect your education and vocation, in or out of kink, is not worth your time.
I think heās not self aware enough to understand that you two are either incompatible or heās emotionally unavailable and hasnāt admitted it yet. Either way, you can make the decision to leave if you want out of a frustrating situation
He wants the fun stuff from you without having to put effort into the harder stuff that goes along with relationships. He wants what he wants from you and is not making capacity for what you want from him, which is common. There's nothing you can do to change him or make him give you more time and attention and effort, and you won't be happy in a relationship where you have to beg for that.
I don't think you're being unreasonable or unrealistic, I just think you're not compatible. If this is what it's like at 4 months, the usual honeymoon-everything-is-wonderful period, I can't imagine it's going to get any better.
You've tried, you've even done a holiday, and it just doesn't seem like you're a good fit. Plus he sounds like a dick.
Thanks for replying! š
I guess my concern surrounding compatibility is that people are busy with life all the time. What would comparability in times of stress look like?
I feel really neglected as a sub but I donāt think I can bring it up because I want to be supportive as a partner.
Donāt frame it as a dynamic thing. Youāre demonstrating what compatibility in times of stress looks like, arenāt you? You make time for him, even when youāve had 10 days straight at work. The fact that he canāt do the same is indicative of where heās at in life and seems like a pretty fundamental issue.
Well I think that's your answer - people are busy with life all the time, but still manage to have happy, fulfilling relationships. You obviously could, if you had a partner that was a match for you.
You empathise with him and are clearly considerate towards him, but he's not doing the same in return. You're being supportive, but he isn't. It shouldn't, IMO, be all on you.
Why are you wanting to be so supportive of him that you don't even bring up your own neglect, but accommodate him not being supportive of you and make justifications for him? Don't you know that YOUR enjoyment of this relationship should come first for you? Why are you putting this man as a higher priority than your own feelings of neglect? This is not the right path to take. You seem like an otherwise strong, capable woman - why are you not strongly advocating for yourself and instead not even bringing up these very important feelings?
My main concern is that Iām being selfish. Sex is a āwantā not a need and in my head ālifeā comes before that. So I didnāt want to be a burden but it does bother me and I donāt know how to approach it hence why Iām here :(
I didn't see any selfishness here. What you're asking for is entirely reasonable. You're asking for the standard physical and emotional attention one would want from a partner. That's perfectly legitimate. You have just as much of a right to seek out what you want from a relationship as he or anyone else does. That's not selfishness at all, that's self empowerment.
Honestly OP he just does not sound invested in the relationship. Nothing that you said is unreasonable to want, at all. He just doesn't have it to offer you, he isn't invested in meeting your wants and needs as a partner. He's not in that place. If he was, he would be more attentive in the way you want him to be but given you have talked to him already about your feelings its clear he just isn't making them a priority. If you feel like you have to beg for attention - don't. He is giving you what he is willing to give, and if it isn't enough for you, keep looking elsewhere for someone else who will be invested at the level you want from a partner.
I am at the 3 month mark with my Dom/boyfriend, aka the same honeymoon phase others are mentioning. We both have some pretty big ālife stressorsā going on at the moment. Mine are making me particularly depressed, his are making him particularly angry and stressed - we still have sex non-stop when we are together, multiple times a day, canāt keep our hands off each other, it is after all the honeymoon period. We find ways to spend multiple days together, usually spend the whole weekend together, and whatever moods we have when we come together always melt away by the evening.
Any life stressors that seemingly burst all the way through our bubble are very quickly discussed and resolved and back out of our minds. Ready to fuck like uncontrollable animals again.
As others have said, if itās already like this 4 months in at the honey moon period, it seemingly isnāt going to get any better. When itās right, nothing can get in the way of that honeymoon phase!
Everyone is busy , you just make time for what matters. If he can't or won't make time, that's fair, but he should be open about what to expect in the future.
The old saying applies here: if they wanted to they would.
Sometimes asking your partner what they think you need is the absolute best way to learn how they are hearing / seeing you.
It sounds like you think this relationship is worth it so donāt give up on yourself or him.
It sounds like youāre going to do the hard thing and have the conversation. At least give it the chance you deserve it to have.
Yeah the negative outcome hurts and sucks, but the positive outcome is you might have the relationship you want.
Take the leap, it will make you stronger either way - you do deserve to back own wants and needs.
/u/CuriousCookie13, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is all just exhausting. It's really not supposed to be this difficult. It's been 4 months, you're not working out and it's not going to get any better. Truly, it isn't.
Frankly this just sounds like plain old incompatibilty. Yeah maybe he might be able to give you more time, attention and sex but considering you're still meant to be in the honeymoon phase, it's likely just going to get less from here. It's at this point where you have a few choices; 1) Voice your concerns again. He listens, things change. 2) Voice your concerns again. He promises to change, perhaps even does for a while but eventually circles back to this. 3) You stay and settle with what you're clearly unhappy with. 4) You leave.
š¤£š¤£š¤£(this wasn't here while I was typing!)
Great minds!!
Damn Skippy!
Thanks for your reply š I appreciate we are supposed to be in the honeymoon phase. However, what happens when ālife stressorsā get in the way of that? Should I be more considerate? Like mortgages etc. What would be a healthy way to navigate that?
Life stressors always exist so that doesnāt take away from the honeymoon phase or the question of compatibility. I had an ex who completely wrecked our relationship as soon as āstressā got in the way. We built a house together. We were under the same stress yet somehow he was allowed to act like an indecent human being? No way
How people manage their own life stressors is key to a relationship. You have responsibilities too. Simply because he struggles to manage his while you can do yours well does not mean you should accept poorer treatment. Don't make excuses for him that he doesn't deserve because he has a hard time having a mortgage. That's an adult choice he made and he should not be treating you badly because he's stressed about his own decisions. Don't accommodate bad treatment from a man for any reason, particularly his own inability to manage his own life. Women make excuses for man babies all the time and bend and caretake into their own terrible treatment and you don't need to do that.
I think it's time to move on. Relationships take work to keep going, but this sounds like you guys are just incompatible. It's okay! You're learning what you deserve in a relationship, and you found something that worked better than the last one but just isn't there yet. Maybe talk to him and see if things can be different, but in general people don't really change. I'm not optimistic.
Thank you for your reply š„° Your sentence about me learning really hit home to me and I appreciate the honesty!
You're welcome! Learning what a healthy relationship is (and isn't) is something that a lot of people discover the hard way. It's a skill we aren't really taught, unfortunately.
I think it's time to move on! Not worth the hassle if it's not a mutual situation. I get being tired every once in a while. Not for straight rejection most times. Sex is supposed to be fun and helps unwind. Definitely not compatible š.
Thanks for your input āŗļø I really do like him as a person and heās a nice boyfriend. When we do scene I feel amazing and he says he does too But I just feel like the inconsistency is frustrating. Why would he want a relationship if heās too stressed? Why wouldnāt he break up with me if Iām adding to the stress of his life?
My take: the idea of a kinky woman with a high sex drive was hot and irresistible. Then reality sinks in that he cannot meet your needs. Feeling inadequate, he does the immature thing of making you think you're the problem. Why doesn't he end it? To not lose access to the free, hot, kinky sex he does get from you when he can. ETA: You're a high functioning person. Anyone who doesn't respect your education and vocation, in or out of kink, is not worth your time.
I think heās not self aware enough to understand that you two are either incompatible or heās emotionally unavailable and hasnāt admitted it yet. Either way, you can make the decision to leave if you want out of a frustrating situation
He wants the fun stuff from you without having to put effort into the harder stuff that goes along with relationships. He wants what he wants from you and is not making capacity for what you want from him, which is common. There's nothing you can do to change him or make him give you more time and attention and effort, and you won't be happy in a relationship where you have to beg for that.
I don't think you're being unreasonable or unrealistic, I just think you're not compatible. If this is what it's like at 4 months, the usual honeymoon-everything-is-wonderful period, I can't imagine it's going to get any better. You've tried, you've even done a holiday, and it just doesn't seem like you're a good fit. Plus he sounds like a dick.
Thanks for replying! š I guess my concern surrounding compatibility is that people are busy with life all the time. What would comparability in times of stress look like? I feel really neglected as a sub but I donāt think I can bring it up because I want to be supportive as a partner.
Donāt frame it as a dynamic thing. Youāre demonstrating what compatibility in times of stress looks like, arenāt you? You make time for him, even when youāve had 10 days straight at work. The fact that he canāt do the same is indicative of where heās at in life and seems like a pretty fundamental issue.
Well I think that's your answer - people are busy with life all the time, but still manage to have happy, fulfilling relationships. You obviously could, if you had a partner that was a match for you. You empathise with him and are clearly considerate towards him, but he's not doing the same in return. You're being supportive, but he isn't. It shouldn't, IMO, be all on you.
Why are you wanting to be so supportive of him that you don't even bring up your own neglect, but accommodate him not being supportive of you and make justifications for him? Don't you know that YOUR enjoyment of this relationship should come first for you? Why are you putting this man as a higher priority than your own feelings of neglect? This is not the right path to take. You seem like an otherwise strong, capable woman - why are you not strongly advocating for yourself and instead not even bringing up these very important feelings?
My main concern is that Iām being selfish. Sex is a āwantā not a need and in my head ālifeā comes before that. So I didnāt want to be a burden but it does bother me and I donāt know how to approach it hence why Iām here :(
I didn't see any selfishness here. What you're asking for is entirely reasonable. You're asking for the standard physical and emotional attention one would want from a partner. That's perfectly legitimate. You have just as much of a right to seek out what you want from a relationship as he or anyone else does. That's not selfishness at all, that's self empowerment.
You need to find a "Type A" organised Dom that has time for you
Honestly OP he just does not sound invested in the relationship. Nothing that you said is unreasonable to want, at all. He just doesn't have it to offer you, he isn't invested in meeting your wants and needs as a partner. He's not in that place. If he was, he would be more attentive in the way you want him to be but given you have talked to him already about your feelings its clear he just isn't making them a priority. If you feel like you have to beg for attention - don't. He is giving you what he is willing to give, and if it isn't enough for you, keep looking elsewhere for someone else who will be invested at the level you want from a partner.
I am at the 3 month mark with my Dom/boyfriend, aka the same honeymoon phase others are mentioning. We both have some pretty big ālife stressorsā going on at the moment. Mine are making me particularly depressed, his are making him particularly angry and stressed - we still have sex non-stop when we are together, multiple times a day, canāt keep our hands off each other, it is after all the honeymoon period. We find ways to spend multiple days together, usually spend the whole weekend together, and whatever moods we have when we come together always melt away by the evening. Any life stressors that seemingly burst all the way through our bubble are very quickly discussed and resolved and back out of our minds. Ready to fuck like uncontrollable animals again. As others have said, if itās already like this 4 months in at the honey moon period, it seemingly isnāt going to get any better. When itās right, nothing can get in the way of that honeymoon phase!
Everyone is busy , you just make time for what matters. If he can't or won't make time, that's fair, but he should be open about what to expect in the future. The old saying applies here: if they wanted to they would.
Sometimes asking your partner what they think you need is the absolute best way to learn how they are hearing / seeing you. It sounds like you think this relationship is worth it so donāt give up on yourself or him. It sounds like youāre going to do the hard thing and have the conversation. At least give it the chance you deserve it to have. Yeah the negative outcome hurts and sucks, but the positive outcome is you might have the relationship you want. Take the leap, it will make you stronger either way - you do deserve to back own wants and needs.
/u/CuriousCookie13, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
/u/CuriousCookie13, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*