I completely understand that kids are a lot of work. It’s just that from the way you described it, you do all the household stuff. Why isn’t he getting up on the weekends and taking care of the kids and house so you can sleep in?
Why is he not helping with the kids/house after work or on weekends at the very least? Being a SAHM doesn’t not mean house slave. If he wants sexy time, he needs to give you time to rest, feel sexy and needed for more than just another meal or diaper change. Tell him to step up if he want to get up to kink after the kids are in bed.
I'm very worried that your husband is still demanding his kinks when you're in such a vulnerable position.
Is he really that out of touch with how your life is going and how little sleep you are getting? Does he understand how much you need a break from kids, just in general? Y'all really, really need a sitter, not for kink, just to breathe. Got any parent friends you could trade with for a weekend day sometime?
I agree with this take! It sounds like OP is struggling to survive just life in general and now has her husband demanding more of her. It’s pretty damn far from what the heart of BDSM should be.
Just from the small amount of information we have here OP, I think there’s things to focus on before sex. It doesn’t sound like your husband is actually contributing as much to childcare as he should be (at minimum you should have one day a week to sleep in). How could you possibly want to engage in sex when you’re exhausted? Why does he feel it’s okay to put more onto your plate rather than taking stuff off?
It's genuinely hard until they get to school. We made do with maybe once a month leaving the kids overnight with our parents for friends weddings, birthdays and our anniversary etc and staying at hotels. Because of the infrequency, we'd spend weeks planning and talking about what we'd do, buying special toys for the occasion etc. The anticipation was great. And the constant flirting and teasing when we'd get to a party, knowing we were just passing time until we got to the hotel... it was like we were first dating again. I kind of miss it.
With the kids at school and me working from home it's 3 times a week in the middle of the day. Which is great too.
Would you be able to enroll the kids in part time daycares? Maybe 2 days a week? I’m a WAHM (work from home mom) and I wouldn’t survive without the part time childcare. It gives me time and space to take care of myself and feel less stressed. Also, schedule regular “date nights”. My husband and I have a “date night” where we drop the kids off, we don’t actually go on a date. We go back home and have a full kinky session and make some pizza 😅
We very much had a... hiadas... from any but basic vanilla and even that was infrequent. It's a different season of life, you will pass through it and then be on to a different one with new challenges. Now our kids are adults and we are trying things that even young us didn't think of lol.
Now that said... Sweetie you're exhausted, working a 15 hour thankless day for little gremlins and what sounds like.. an unappreciative spouse. I hesitate to call him a partner...because where is he helping to alleviate your workload so that you can salvage some time and energy for kink? Taking over some chores so you can have time to relax, or even nap?
I think that your husband could do with some counselling, perhaps couples for both of you, to help him realize he's being a thankless twat to the woman who birthed his children.
Lol thank you, I knew it wasn't quite right but my adhd meds had worn off and I'd had a shit show of a day so I just figured phonetic was good enough despite my usual fussiness about spelling and grammar.
I see the edit now, and while I suppose that makes him less of a twat, it doesnt help the situation. Something has to give. So he's got this super busy, demanding job... Sounds like something that should pay fairly well then, no? So hire a weekly sitter, or even a part time nanny/helper to alleviate some of the load. If they are both giving their all and still can't manage to have time/energy for kink, then there is likely another unmentioned issue at play that needs to be addressed.
Also... We only know the information that OP gives us. We the internet make judgements and statements based on the information provided. Had OP included the 'edit info' in their original post, then my original comment would have been rather different. If you present a picture of your life that's incomplete, it's likely you'll get wrong suggestions.
I'm in a D/s relationship with my wife. We have two kids. Here's my advice:
1. Plan a date night. That's scene time. It's unrealistic to have scenes on work nights when kids are involved and your husband should recognize that. It takes too much time to set up, do the scene, and do aftercare.
2. Communicate your needs. You're exhausted. You want romance. Being a sub doesn't mean to ignore your needs at the expense of your Dom (and if your husband is worth a shit he'll recognize that). Talk to him about what you need.
3. If it makes you feel any better, I promise this is temporary. When the kids start going to school it'll be easier. The kids are gone most of the day and they learn to be more independent.
You have needs too, certainly he should be pulling his weight with the kids too, something many may not like to hear here, but the family first, especially the young ones, then the sex, which you need to be relaxed and in the mood for anyway. Good luck and kudos to you.
My husband and I often said that when kids are young, you just muddle through and sort your relationship out when they're older.
Young kids are a full time job and realistically there isn't time for kink the way you had before kids. Especially not if you don't have relatives near who can babysit or have them for sleepovers. That's just the reality of parenting.
That said, it sounds like your husband is being selfish with his needs. And that the balance of domestic duties is unfair. When my husband finishes work at 5pm, he takes over the parenting and helps with the housework, because I've been doing it all day and it's the fair thing to do.
I think your husband needs a reality check, both on the domestic front and the kink front. If he wants his itch scratched, he needs to help out at home and romance you. And he needs to accept that when you're parents, life does change and this stuff does take a back seat for quite a few years.
Please keep prioritising your sleep, it's so important. This isn't on you to fix.
Nah, it’s having you be the default parent, and possibly parenting *him* too.
As someone who escaped this path, and assuming he’s the Dominant…that’s not dominance.
Mine wanted basically a maid, nanny, and toy. Next to no romance and he was “turned off” by the state of the house. You are both adults first, regardless of power exchange.
Pleaseeee get his ass kicked in gear.
You aren’t alone. We own a successful business, and the clock is a constant enemy. Ironically, also have a 1.5 year old and 4 year old. Luckily we don’t get up as early, but have to stay up late. With long sessions still not really being into play. My only real solution is getting help with the kids.
It may be useful to have a conversation on how best to share the load at home, such that both of you would have enough rest, time and bandwidth to enjoy and indulge in kink. Housework is a lot of work, and should be shared between partners and not something to be loaded on a single person. See it this way: if you are exhausted you would not be an enthusiastic partner in scenes - rightly so - and that would not be enjoyable to him either. So it be best to split the load, ensure that *both* of you are in the right frame of mind for kink, then go about it. Sorry to hear about the situation, and best thoughts are with you, OP.
Many long years ago, my kids Dad and I had a pretty good system. He was an early riser. So was our son. On weekends, he would get up with the dawn and our son while I slept in. I'd wander in mid-morning. We would schedule heavy play time for Saturday evenings after the little was sound asleep and we had a good lock on the door. If the little came to our door mid-play, Mommy wasn't available and Daddy dealt with any issues before returning. We kept the music up and other noises down. This worked well for us. Other more vanilla stuff we fit in as wanted during the week and they were more spontaneous.
If he wants loads of kinky sex he needs to take something off your plate so you actually have the capacity to get into the headspace. Your needs have to be met as well. - and no, helping with dinner and clean up isn't enough.
When we're in survival mode, just barely scraping on, there's no room for fun like that.
And then again, your kids are very young. That is hard. It does get better as they get older and more independent.
You have two kids younger than school age and no resources for a babysitter. You are being stretched so thin already that you are on the fast track towards burnout and resentment. Tell him from me to go fuck himself, literally. (Sorry, not helpful, but I’m annoyed on your behalf).
It’s rough when they’re young. As they get older it gets easier. Not sure there are babysitters for that young, but that’d be the thing. I’d take the five hours sleep and a midday nap.
I’m not going to do the “your husband sucks” thing—maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. If your kids are rising at 5am, you should be able to put them to bed before 8:30. For reference, my 5yo wakes up at 7:00 (actually he probably wakes up around 6:30 but he has one of those “dont wake up your parents til it turns green clocks) and he is in bed by 8:00 most nights, sometimes earlier. He did not go to bed that early until we started making him. And no, he’s not an easy child or anything, trust me.
But yeah, I feel for you. Parenting can be a real pain. Most of our sex is just a quickie before bed (my wife doesn’t even want to get off most of the time) or we go upstairs when he has his 30minute tv time and then just… don’t tell him when tv time is over. Also, if these are your husband’s kinks and not yours, you have leverage to say “if you give me an hour to destress this evening, you get to bang me rough” or whatever.
Wishing you the best. Parenting hard.
Hey OP, I've been there. I only have the one but her sleep delays had us getting her to bed at like 10 some nights when she was little, insanely frustrating for all parties involved. And I found myself so exhausted that any sex fell off my list of to do's, my partner was also frustrated. I had to explain to them that if they wanted sex (kinky or not) I needed less to do because I was physically and emotionally drained at the end of the day to the point that I was falling unconscious more than I was falling asleep. Now I'm assuming that you've had that conversation with your husband and this is afterwards and he is still applying pressure for you to provide him kink like a dispenser, but if I'm wrong please correct me! I don't know if this is the case for your husband, but is he associating sex/kink = intimacy = loved? We had to have conversations about that and unpack it. I found ways that were easy to reassure them like casual flirting, maybe a butt smack, or even with words if I had nothing else and was touched out. There can be a lot of kink related elements that are not tying someone up or caning them! (Not sure what y'all's spice is 😂) Now my partner was also willing to meet me at my level of energy and understand that it's not that I don't want to, it's the season of having a very small, VERY energetic child at home all day. I don't know if your partner is open to those conversations but it might be a good place to start ❤️
Agreed! This whole thread reminds me of what it was like to be "touched out". I love physical intimacy of all kinds, but when my kids were little I didn't even want my husband to hug me, much less cuddle me in bed. It was such a turn off 😂. Happy to report that is no longer the case.
Sometimes we don't get what we want and the answer is tough titties, be a grown up and a partner. I just can't even with this. We don't have kids but I'm in school and my partner would never ask me to prioritize his sexual needs over real life responsibilities.
It’s the age that your kids are going through. This shall pass and you guys will be able to take a breath. Sleep should be your number one priority for a couple more years and then you can both go out again. Right now best you can do is one person goes out for a couple hours once a week. Sorry, wish I had better news 🤷🏽♂️
Oh, yeah. You are in a tough spot. You are not crazy to think it impossible to engage in kink in your situation. It seems unfair to ask this of you.
Reading you title, I was going to answer "Yes" but my situation was different. My sub has kids that are 5 and 9 now,(but were 3 and 7 when we started) and we have them 100% of the time. My sub read this and she just said, 'give it three years'. I assume she meant to wait till they are in school.
You have two very little kids. This is simply an extremely demanding time. This isn’t the only good answer to your question, but I promise you: it will absolutely get easier with time.
My partner and I are big into kink, and have 3 littles between the two of us (we are both divorced) and met in the kink community. Because we are 50/50 with our kids per divorce, we have freedom to indulge. But when we have the kids, it takes a priority backseat. Things will change as your kids get older, and time will become less jam packed with what you described.
I don’t know if you’re into dom/sub stuff, but something that has really helped us when we are in kid mode is me keeping a sub journal. I make it a priority to keep up with it, even when I’m mentally at my brink. I write down my fantasies, things I liked or didn’t like about certain scenes, what I would like more or less of. It helps keep me in the mindset at a time when we know physically we don’t have the time or energy to play scenes out.
I don’t have kids but I do live above my landlord who does and I know they get a lot of support from neighbours setting up play dates, grandparents taking them for a long weekends. I know they also both work very odd demanding jobs (one construction and one a psychiatrist that works shifts). I would see if you can set up a system of the kids go to a friends house for dinner and in return you have their kids for dinner.
Well you guys need a really long a deep conversation.
Our kids are older now and all in school and we can now have our kink moments much more often. I was a sahm for over ten years. Even when he was frustrated by the lack of sex (not even kink just plain vanilla sex) he never pressured me, we talked, he took care of his needs (in ways that we were both okay with) it was rough for a while, but having kids is not easy. I also went through depression, it was a rollercoaster...
Your husband should not be demanding and you should really tell him what is on your mind, and try couples therapy (with a sex therapist idealy).
For what it’s worth, my husband and my sex life was severely limited (like we barely had any sex at all) until my boys were 2 and 4. Then I finally had more energy for sex, but not anything crazy that takes energy/work. Now they are 4 and 6 and we are having a renaissance of sexy times. I don’t have advice, but you aren’t alone! And it will get better.
Oof, that’s so frustrating!! My partner and I are in a similar situation - between their 5yo daughter and the fact that we work wildly different schedules (Tues-Sat 9am-5pm for my partner, Sun-Thurs 9pm-5/6/7am for me) we’ve barely had the time or the energy to do ANYTHING together, let alone kink. I sympathize.
I feel like "he's had to wait years" is a weird way to frame it.
You've also had to wait years, and been physically unwell on-top of that.
I get that he's frustrated too, but that doesn't mean you should live on 5 hours of sleep.
Kink within your means and ability and expect that to be normal.
Many of us experience parental burnout. I can assure you some things get easier. If your kids are still very young it's difficult to make private time. If your kids aren't going to be homeschooled pretty soon you will get a little of that personal time back. You might consider finding a drop-off program for your kids once in a while, if you think they could handle it. Don't feel guilty, regardless of how you may spend your free time everybody needs it occasionally. You can't pour from an empty cup. A 2yo may be a bit too young still, but you may want to look for a day camp program, sports, arts workshops, library programs, or children's museum that might offer workshops etc. That can be a really enriching and healthy experience for kids, and allow you a little time to take care of yourself.
If you have friends with similar age kids you might also consider trading child care sometimes, if you're comfortable with that idea. Every parent needs to be allowed to care for themself.
I sympathize with you OP. This is a real issue.
I also roll my eyes at a lot of the “your husband isn’t helping enough” comments in here. I will assume like any sane parent you are already both completely helping each other.
In my experience you have to plan ahead. Get implements that don’t tire you out. Choose scenes that work with what you’re already doing. It isn’t possible for my wife to get paddled as often as I would like but we can quietly use a cane. She can’t get free use scenes as often since there is prep and aftercare etc but we can have her wear a plug when she works while I have the kids.
I’d say that it’s important to have the person who is trying get “in the mood” away from the kids. Like, if someone is setting up the scene they need to be mentally away from anything related to parenting. If my wife has the plug in, I have the kids. If I am getting set up for an impact play session, she has the kids. Then when the kids are in bed/ at the neighbour’s/school/whatever, you can ease the other person into the scene. This is the easiest way to get both quickly in the mood imho.
We’ve just been on Reddit a lot I think… we do have sympathy, but the majority of people who post on Reddit; the problem is one of the partners is NOT pulling their weight.
ESP in a D/s scenario.
So we sympathize, but there’s a good chance his work is hard boo hoo so he helps with one thing like dinner and it makes him a hero.
Yeah I totally agree that both partners need to be helping each other and splitting it all 100%. Let there be no mistake about that.
But the responses here are coming from people without kids who think that is sufficient to fix OP’s issue. It’s necessary but they’re asking for practical help too.
Meh. Are you a male? No offense, but most men don’t see their help as not being enough.
Even emotional labor. If he does help, hopefully it’s not “what do I need to do”. You’re an adult.. you can look around and see what needs to be done. Her asking him to think of the tasks for him is still labor.
Again, not saying this is the case, but there are MANY posts on Reddit about
“She got pissed and threatened to leave because I bought dark chocolate and didn’t know she hates it… but i did a good thing!”
No friend.. after being with someone that long and it coming out of nowhere - not knowing something so simple is the straw that breaks the camels back.
Giving advice based on assumptions related to other posts isn’t helping OP. It’s just generalizing based on Reddit post content.
Yes, many husbands are lazy. They shouldn’t be. If OP thinks that is an issue let’s talk about it and if not we can best help by addressing her questions.
And don’t throw around sexist assumptions about posters. I’m not mad but it isn’t ok when men do that and it isn’t ok when you do that either.
Commenters basically calling out the husband as not helping enough.
I was in a similar situation. I wanted to commit a certain amount of time to each other. She wanted to commit all time to kids.
I kept advocating for us to have intimate time together.
She kept telling me she needed help with kids, with the kitchen, with picking up the house and then she would be less stressed and would then want intimacy.
I poured more time into those things.
Wake up at 4am, get home at 4pm, move continuously from one task to another, trash, kids to park, cook dinner, pick up groceries, clean kitchen. It was never enough.
I needed to 'date her' and her love language was 'Acts of Serve Me', and the way I was doing things wasn't correct.
I eventually realized, she wasn't helping with the 'man chores'. I was cooking, but she wasn't taking care of the yard. I was washing dishes, but she wasn't rebuilding the carburator on the lawn mower. I was picking up after her, but she wasn't doing vehicle maintenance.
I kept asking for intimacy, kept pushing for it, kept getting told the same thing.
It finally resulted in collapse.
I ended up in the basement, doing nothing. I ended up spending more time at work, to get away from her.
And finally, I asked a very simple question, "What if I'm never able to meet all these standards and expectations? Like, sure, I can keep trying, but what if, no matter how hard I try, it's not enough, I'm not good enough?"
And I recognized, that I was prioritizing a certain amount of intimacy to be balanced in to the relationship, and she just wasn't.
It wasn't about a lack of time, or daily chores or tasks or stress or any of that. She just simply didn't prioritize intimacy like I did.
And no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough. I was never going to be good enough, to get intimacy from her. So, I simply said, "If I am never good enough to get intimacy from you, then why can't I just go get intimacy from someone who does deem me good enough?"
And I just told her that's what I was going to do and installed dating apps to my phone.
Because the reality is, you could come up with something, if you were genuinely interested.
"Man chores"??? My dude, you sound so selfish.
Intimacy just isn't on the list when you are trying to keep small humans alive. It's a daily struggle with 2 fully vested partners sharing the household and kid responsibilities. If you truly were sharing the burden, you'd be just as tired as she was. The fact that you still had the energy tells me you weren't fully engaged and partnering.
My kids are older now, but the first few years we're terrible. Hubby and I flirt all day, but there are times we are both too tired. We even have some toys we've had over a year that we've never been able to try and not from lack of wanting to!
Having young kids is a season of life that often includes a lack of sex, but it is just a season. Get over yourself and partner with your wife.
What you wrote is so ungodly ignorant of my lived experience, it's exasperating. I did everything you said, to an extreme degree. I did nothing but work, and kids, and home chores, and everything, and got yelled at, and nagged, and criticized during all of it. None of it worked, in fact, it got worse and worse till I finally collapsed mentally and ended up in therapy for learned helplessness and apathy as a result of the trauma from the abuse.
I guess responding to you has been kind of cathartic.
You know, life will always have stress. And you need to handle the stresses of life, while still desiring to be with your partner. This idea that you and your partner just need to put the relationship on hold and buckle down and work hard and get the stress taken care of, and then you can enjoy each other is a recipe for an unfulfilling marriage that remains unfulfilling.
And? That's called parenting. Sounds like you were trying to "earn" sex. That isn't the way it works.
You are equating a relationship with sex. The two are not the same. A relationship can exist without sex and can be healthy.
Obviously, there is an emphasis on sex on this sub, but sex isn't guaranteed to anyone nor promised as part of a relationship.
Making children is a selfish choice, done from ego. Raising children is a practice in selflessness to a degree most people aren't prepared for. Children require sacrifices of time, money, sleep, etc. We are not our best selves when we are sacrificing all day. Intimacy is the LAST thing on a caregivers mind, because who has the mental/emotional capacity.
This process requires a recalibration of the relationship. Previous expectations are out the window. I highly recommend couples counseling during this time. It is enlightening and can help you navigate this new phase of life.
You're angry, I get it, but be angry that neither of you are getting what you want and seek help to fix together.
It sounds more like you are trying to apply some situation you have lived through than to understand and empathize with what I have gone through or even fully understand what I'm saying...
I'm with Ester Perez on this. Even if all you can commit to your relationship is 20minutes a day, you need to commit or the relationship will degrade.
In fact, doing a simple google search will show you that therapists do not advocate neglecting your relationship in favor of the kids.
The idea that only if the man helped out a little more around the house, or only if the kids were a little older, then she would be interested in him, is absolute garbage.
Here's what I think you are saying:
You contributed equally to the household and it did not result in intimacy.
Your wife nagged you and yelled at you instead of showing you intimacy when you contributed as an equal partner to the household.
This led to you being tired and giving up because you weren't getting the intimacy you earned by doing your part.
Sound about right?
What I don't hear you doing is sitting down and seeing if maybe your partner had PPD/PPA (can still be present years later if not treated) or going through an exercise like Fair Play (a good excercise for understanding there are things beyond the dishes and laundry) or going to counseling as a couple, etc.
What I'm trying to help you see is that some empathy, communication and focusing on the relationship would be better than you nagging your partner about sex because you washed the dinner dishes. That is such a huge turn off and makes a person NEVER want to have sex.
No, that is not what I'm saying at all...
I'm saying when she says, "oh if I just had more help around the house", that even if you do that, it won't make her desire you.
I'm also saying, that feminism paints the picture of men, who don't cook, clean or wash, when the reality is men do a number of tasks which are invisible to women, so men will cook, but women won't put on the snow tires. Men will wash, but women wont rake leaves.
I realized it wasn't equal at all.
And I'm echoing Ester Perez when she says you need to at least make an effort to put some time into your relationship.
And everything I say is dismissed, like you're like an apologist for her neglecting the relationship. It's bizarre. It's absolutely invalidating. Like, if only I did this, or considered that, or connected in this way, and I'm like, "No. I married a person who is not prioritizing the relationship. Don't be that person, because it won't end well."
One morning my kid asked me if we got a cat. I said know. Then he asked why I wanted to beat up mommy’s kitty.
She laughed, ran and hid in her room for an hour.
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Maybe he should help out at home if he wants you to have the energy and desire to engage in the things he wants you to do sexually
He does help when he can. He helps with dinner and clean up every night. Kids are just this much work.
I completely understand that kids are a lot of work. It’s just that from the way you described it, you do all the household stuff. Why isn’t he getting up on the weekends and taking care of the kids and house so you can sleep in?
He can get up with them on the weekend and let you get the rest you need.
Why isn’t he doing laundry, cleaning floors, setting the kids up with activities once in awhile?
Do you have no one else in your community who can help out at all? Grandparents who can take them out etc
Why is he not helping with the kids/house after work or on weekends at the very least? Being a SAHM doesn’t not mean house slave. If he wants sexy time, he needs to give you time to rest, feel sexy and needed for more than just another meal or diaper change. Tell him to step up if he want to get up to kink after the kids are in bed.
Yea wtf
I send my wife away on weekends. Book a hotel say bye bye. When she starts getting overwhelmed
So glad I’m not the only one who said this
I'm very worried that your husband is still demanding his kinks when you're in such a vulnerable position. Is he really that out of touch with how your life is going and how little sleep you are getting? Does he understand how much you need a break from kids, just in general? Y'all really, really need a sitter, not for kink, just to breathe. Got any parent friends you could trade with for a weekend day sometime?
I agree with this take! It sounds like OP is struggling to survive just life in general and now has her husband demanding more of her. It’s pretty damn far from what the heart of BDSM should be. Just from the small amount of information we have here OP, I think there’s things to focus on before sex. It doesn’t sound like your husband is actually contributing as much to childcare as he should be (at minimum you should have one day a week to sleep in). How could you possibly want to engage in sex when you’re exhausted? Why does he feel it’s okay to put more onto your plate rather than taking stuff off?
It's genuinely hard until they get to school. We made do with maybe once a month leaving the kids overnight with our parents for friends weddings, birthdays and our anniversary etc and staying at hotels. Because of the infrequency, we'd spend weeks planning and talking about what we'd do, buying special toys for the occasion etc. The anticipation was great. And the constant flirting and teasing when we'd get to a party, knowing we were just passing time until we got to the hotel... it was like we were first dating again. I kind of miss it. With the kids at school and me working from home it's 3 times a week in the middle of the day. Which is great too.
Would you be able to enroll the kids in part time daycares? Maybe 2 days a week? I’m a WAHM (work from home mom) and I wouldn’t survive without the part time childcare. It gives me time and space to take care of myself and feel less stressed. Also, schedule regular “date nights”. My husband and I have a “date night” where we drop the kids off, we don’t actually go on a date. We go back home and have a full kinky session and make some pizza 😅
We very much had a... hiadas... from any but basic vanilla and even that was infrequent. It's a different season of life, you will pass through it and then be on to a different one with new challenges. Now our kids are adults and we are trying things that even young us didn't think of lol. Now that said... Sweetie you're exhausted, working a 15 hour thankless day for little gremlins and what sounds like.. an unappreciative spouse. I hesitate to call him a partner...because where is he helping to alleviate your workload so that you can salvage some time and energy for kink? Taking over some chores so you can have time to relax, or even nap? I think that your husband could do with some counselling, perhaps couples for both of you, to help him realize he's being a thankless twat to the woman who birthed his children.
Hiatus
Lol thank you, I knew it wasn't quite right but my adhd meds had worn off and I'd had a shit show of a day so I just figured phonetic was good enough despite my usual fussiness about spelling and grammar.
You should read her edit
the edit didn't make it that much better
I see the edit now, and while I suppose that makes him less of a twat, it doesnt help the situation. Something has to give. So he's got this super busy, demanding job... Sounds like something that should pay fairly well then, no? So hire a weekly sitter, or even a part time nanny/helper to alleviate some of the load. If they are both giving their all and still can't manage to have time/energy for kink, then there is likely another unmentioned issue at play that needs to be addressed. Also... We only know the information that OP gives us. We the internet make judgements and statements based on the information provided. Had OP included the 'edit info' in their original post, then my original comment would have been rather different. If you present a picture of your life that's incomplete, it's likely you'll get wrong suggestions.
I'm in a D/s relationship with my wife. We have two kids. Here's my advice: 1. Plan a date night. That's scene time. It's unrealistic to have scenes on work nights when kids are involved and your husband should recognize that. It takes too much time to set up, do the scene, and do aftercare. 2. Communicate your needs. You're exhausted. You want romance. Being a sub doesn't mean to ignore your needs at the expense of your Dom (and if your husband is worth a shit he'll recognize that). Talk to him about what you need. 3. If it makes you feel any better, I promise this is temporary. When the kids start going to school it'll be easier. The kids are gone most of the day and they learn to be more independent.
You have needs too, certainly he should be pulling his weight with the kids too, something many may not like to hear here, but the family first, especially the young ones, then the sex, which you need to be relaxed and in the mood for anyway. Good luck and kudos to you.
My husband and I often said that when kids are young, you just muddle through and sort your relationship out when they're older. Young kids are a full time job and realistically there isn't time for kink the way you had before kids. Especially not if you don't have relatives near who can babysit or have them for sleepovers. That's just the reality of parenting. That said, it sounds like your husband is being selfish with his needs. And that the balance of domestic duties is unfair. When my husband finishes work at 5pm, he takes over the parenting and helps with the housework, because I've been doing it all day and it's the fair thing to do. I think your husband needs a reality check, both on the domestic front and the kink front. If he wants his itch scratched, he needs to help out at home and romance you. And he needs to accept that when you're parents, life does change and this stuff does take a back seat for quite a few years. Please keep prioritising your sleep, it's so important. This isn't on you to fix.
Nah, it’s having you be the default parent, and possibly parenting *him* too. As someone who escaped this path, and assuming he’s the Dominant…that’s not dominance. Mine wanted basically a maid, nanny, and toy. Next to no romance and he was “turned off” by the state of the house. You are both adults first, regardless of power exchange. Pleaseeee get his ass kicked in gear.
You aren’t alone. We own a successful business, and the clock is a constant enemy. Ironically, also have a 1.5 year old and 4 year old. Luckily we don’t get up as early, but have to stay up late. With long sessions still not really being into play. My only real solution is getting help with the kids.
It may be useful to have a conversation on how best to share the load at home, such that both of you would have enough rest, time and bandwidth to enjoy and indulge in kink. Housework is a lot of work, and should be shared between partners and not something to be loaded on a single person. See it this way: if you are exhausted you would not be an enthusiastic partner in scenes - rightly so - and that would not be enjoyable to him either. So it be best to split the load, ensure that *both* of you are in the right frame of mind for kink, then go about it. Sorry to hear about the situation, and best thoughts are with you, OP.
Many long years ago, my kids Dad and I had a pretty good system. He was an early riser. So was our son. On weekends, he would get up with the dawn and our son while I slept in. I'd wander in mid-morning. We would schedule heavy play time for Saturday evenings after the little was sound asleep and we had a good lock on the door. If the little came to our door mid-play, Mommy wasn't available and Daddy dealt with any issues before returning. We kept the music up and other noises down. This worked well for us. Other more vanilla stuff we fit in as wanted during the week and they were more spontaneous.
If he wants loads of kinky sex he needs to take something off your plate so you actually have the capacity to get into the headspace. Your needs have to be met as well. - and no, helping with dinner and clean up isn't enough. When we're in survival mode, just barely scraping on, there's no room for fun like that. And then again, your kids are very young. That is hard. It does get better as they get older and more independent.
You have two kids younger than school age and no resources for a babysitter. You are being stretched so thin already that you are on the fast track towards burnout and resentment. Tell him from me to go fuck himself, literally. (Sorry, not helpful, but I’m annoyed on your behalf).
It’s rough when they’re young. As they get older it gets easier. Not sure there are babysitters for that young, but that’d be the thing. I’d take the five hours sleep and a midday nap.
I’m not going to do the “your husband sucks” thing—maybe he does, maybe he doesn’t. If your kids are rising at 5am, you should be able to put them to bed before 8:30. For reference, my 5yo wakes up at 7:00 (actually he probably wakes up around 6:30 but he has one of those “dont wake up your parents til it turns green clocks) and he is in bed by 8:00 most nights, sometimes earlier. He did not go to bed that early until we started making him. And no, he’s not an easy child or anything, trust me. But yeah, I feel for you. Parenting can be a real pain. Most of our sex is just a quickie before bed (my wife doesn’t even want to get off most of the time) or we go upstairs when he has his 30minute tv time and then just… don’t tell him when tv time is over. Also, if these are your husband’s kinks and not yours, you have leverage to say “if you give me an hour to destress this evening, you get to bang me rough” or whatever. Wishing you the best. Parenting hard.
Hey OP, I've been there. I only have the one but her sleep delays had us getting her to bed at like 10 some nights when she was little, insanely frustrating for all parties involved. And I found myself so exhausted that any sex fell off my list of to do's, my partner was also frustrated. I had to explain to them that if they wanted sex (kinky or not) I needed less to do because I was physically and emotionally drained at the end of the day to the point that I was falling unconscious more than I was falling asleep. Now I'm assuming that you've had that conversation with your husband and this is afterwards and he is still applying pressure for you to provide him kink like a dispenser, but if I'm wrong please correct me! I don't know if this is the case for your husband, but is he associating sex/kink = intimacy = loved? We had to have conversations about that and unpack it. I found ways that were easy to reassure them like casual flirting, maybe a butt smack, or even with words if I had nothing else and was touched out. There can be a lot of kink related elements that are not tying someone up or caning them! (Not sure what y'all's spice is 😂) Now my partner was also willing to meet me at my level of energy and understand that it's not that I don't want to, it's the season of having a very small, VERY energetic child at home all day. I don't know if your partner is open to those conversations but it might be a good place to start ❤️
Agreed! This whole thread reminds me of what it was like to be "touched out". I love physical intimacy of all kinds, but when my kids were little I didn't even want my husband to hug me, much less cuddle me in bed. It was such a turn off 😂. Happy to report that is no longer the case.
We have 4 kids under 10. We stay up after rhey go to bed one night a week till like 2am.
Sometimes we don't get what we want and the answer is tough titties, be a grown up and a partner. I just can't even with this. We don't have kids but I'm in school and my partner would never ask me to prioritize his sexual needs over real life responsibilities.
You get a babysitter and a hotel room or send the kids to their grandma and grandpa.
It get 1000x better when they go to school, hang in there!
It’s the age that your kids are going through. This shall pass and you guys will be able to take a breath. Sleep should be your number one priority for a couple more years and then you can both go out again. Right now best you can do is one person goes out for a couple hours once a week. Sorry, wish I had better news 🤷🏽♂️
Oh, yeah. You are in a tough spot. You are not crazy to think it impossible to engage in kink in your situation. It seems unfair to ask this of you. Reading you title, I was going to answer "Yes" but my situation was different. My sub has kids that are 5 and 9 now,(but were 3 and 7 when we started) and we have them 100% of the time. My sub read this and she just said, 'give it three years'. I assume she meant to wait till they are in school.
You have two very little kids. This is simply an extremely demanding time. This isn’t the only good answer to your question, but I promise you: it will absolutely get easier with time.
My partner and I are big into kink, and have 3 littles between the two of us (we are both divorced) and met in the kink community. Because we are 50/50 with our kids per divorce, we have freedom to indulge. But when we have the kids, it takes a priority backseat. Things will change as your kids get older, and time will become less jam packed with what you described. I don’t know if you’re into dom/sub stuff, but something that has really helped us when we are in kid mode is me keeping a sub journal. I make it a priority to keep up with it, even when I’m mentally at my brink. I write down my fantasies, things I liked or didn’t like about certain scenes, what I would like more or less of. It helps keep me in the mindset at a time when we know physically we don’t have the time or energy to play scenes out.
I don’t have kids but I do live above my landlord who does and I know they get a lot of support from neighbours setting up play dates, grandparents taking them for a long weekends. I know they also both work very odd demanding jobs (one construction and one a psychiatrist that works shifts). I would see if you can set up a system of the kids go to a friends house for dinner and in return you have their kids for dinner.
Here is where friends help. Babysitters!
Well you guys need a really long a deep conversation. Our kids are older now and all in school and we can now have our kink moments much more often. I was a sahm for over ten years. Even when he was frustrated by the lack of sex (not even kink just plain vanilla sex) he never pressured me, we talked, he took care of his needs (in ways that we were both okay with) it was rough for a while, but having kids is not easy. I also went through depression, it was a rollercoaster... Your husband should not be demanding and you should really tell him what is on your mind, and try couples therapy (with a sex therapist idealy).
For what it’s worth, my husband and my sex life was severely limited (like we barely had any sex at all) until my boys were 2 and 4. Then I finally had more energy for sex, but not anything crazy that takes energy/work. Now they are 4 and 6 and we are having a renaissance of sexy times. I don’t have advice, but you aren’t alone! And it will get better.
I feel the pain, friend. We have 2 toddlers
Oof, that’s so frustrating!! My partner and I are in a similar situation - between their 5yo daughter and the fact that we work wildly different schedules (Tues-Sat 9am-5pm for my partner, Sun-Thurs 9pm-5/6/7am for me) we’ve barely had the time or the energy to do ANYTHING together, let alone kink. I sympathize.
I feel like "he's had to wait years" is a weird way to frame it. You've also had to wait years, and been physically unwell on-top of that. I get that he's frustrated too, but that doesn't mean you should live on 5 hours of sleep. Kink within your means and ability and expect that to be normal.
Many of us experience parental burnout. I can assure you some things get easier. If your kids are still very young it's difficult to make private time. If your kids aren't going to be homeschooled pretty soon you will get a little of that personal time back. You might consider finding a drop-off program for your kids once in a while, if you think they could handle it. Don't feel guilty, regardless of how you may spend your free time everybody needs it occasionally. You can't pour from an empty cup. A 2yo may be a bit too young still, but you may want to look for a day camp program, sports, arts workshops, library programs, or children's museum that might offer workshops etc. That can be a really enriching and healthy experience for kids, and allow you a little time to take care of yourself. If you have friends with similar age kids you might also consider trading child care sometimes, if you're comfortable with that idea. Every parent needs to be allowed to care for themself.
I sympathize with you OP. This is a real issue. I also roll my eyes at a lot of the “your husband isn’t helping enough” comments in here. I will assume like any sane parent you are already both completely helping each other. In my experience you have to plan ahead. Get implements that don’t tire you out. Choose scenes that work with what you’re already doing. It isn’t possible for my wife to get paddled as often as I would like but we can quietly use a cane. She can’t get free use scenes as often since there is prep and aftercare etc but we can have her wear a plug when she works while I have the kids. I’d say that it’s important to have the person who is trying get “in the mood” away from the kids. Like, if someone is setting up the scene they need to be mentally away from anything related to parenting. If my wife has the plug in, I have the kids. If I am getting set up for an impact play session, she has the kids. Then when the kids are in bed/ at the neighbour’s/school/whatever, you can ease the other person into the scene. This is the easiest way to get both quickly in the mood imho.
We’ve just been on Reddit a lot I think… we do have sympathy, but the majority of people who post on Reddit; the problem is one of the partners is NOT pulling their weight. ESP in a D/s scenario. So we sympathize, but there’s a good chance his work is hard boo hoo so he helps with one thing like dinner and it makes him a hero.
Yeah I totally agree that both partners need to be helping each other and splitting it all 100%. Let there be no mistake about that. But the responses here are coming from people without kids who think that is sufficient to fix OP’s issue. It’s necessary but they’re asking for practical help too.
Meh. Are you a male? No offense, but most men don’t see their help as not being enough. Even emotional labor. If he does help, hopefully it’s not “what do I need to do”. You’re an adult.. you can look around and see what needs to be done. Her asking him to think of the tasks for him is still labor. Again, not saying this is the case, but there are MANY posts on Reddit about “She got pissed and threatened to leave because I bought dark chocolate and didn’t know she hates it… but i did a good thing!” No friend.. after being with someone that long and it coming out of nowhere - not knowing something so simple is the straw that breaks the camels back.
Giving advice based on assumptions related to other posts isn’t helping OP. It’s just generalizing based on Reddit post content. Yes, many husbands are lazy. They shouldn’t be. If OP thinks that is an issue let’s talk about it and if not we can best help by addressing her questions. And don’t throw around sexist assumptions about posters. I’m not mad but it isn’t ok when men do that and it isn’t ok when you do that either.
A thousand flies can’t be wrong.
Commenters basically calling out the husband as not helping enough. I was in a similar situation. I wanted to commit a certain amount of time to each other. She wanted to commit all time to kids. I kept advocating for us to have intimate time together. She kept telling me she needed help with kids, with the kitchen, with picking up the house and then she would be less stressed and would then want intimacy. I poured more time into those things. Wake up at 4am, get home at 4pm, move continuously from one task to another, trash, kids to park, cook dinner, pick up groceries, clean kitchen. It was never enough. I needed to 'date her' and her love language was 'Acts of Serve Me', and the way I was doing things wasn't correct. I eventually realized, she wasn't helping with the 'man chores'. I was cooking, but she wasn't taking care of the yard. I was washing dishes, but she wasn't rebuilding the carburator on the lawn mower. I was picking up after her, but she wasn't doing vehicle maintenance. I kept asking for intimacy, kept pushing for it, kept getting told the same thing. It finally resulted in collapse. I ended up in the basement, doing nothing. I ended up spending more time at work, to get away from her. And finally, I asked a very simple question, "What if I'm never able to meet all these standards and expectations? Like, sure, I can keep trying, but what if, no matter how hard I try, it's not enough, I'm not good enough?" And I recognized, that I was prioritizing a certain amount of intimacy to be balanced in to the relationship, and she just wasn't. It wasn't about a lack of time, or daily chores or tasks or stress or any of that. She just simply didn't prioritize intimacy like I did. And no matter what I did, it was never going to be enough. I was never going to be good enough, to get intimacy from her. So, I simply said, "If I am never good enough to get intimacy from you, then why can't I just go get intimacy from someone who does deem me good enough?" And I just told her that's what I was going to do and installed dating apps to my phone. Because the reality is, you could come up with something, if you were genuinely interested.
"Man chores"??? My dude, you sound so selfish. Intimacy just isn't on the list when you are trying to keep small humans alive. It's a daily struggle with 2 fully vested partners sharing the household and kid responsibilities. If you truly were sharing the burden, you'd be just as tired as she was. The fact that you still had the energy tells me you weren't fully engaged and partnering. My kids are older now, but the first few years we're terrible. Hubby and I flirt all day, but there are times we are both too tired. We even have some toys we've had over a year that we've never been able to try and not from lack of wanting to! Having young kids is a season of life that often includes a lack of sex, but it is just a season. Get over yourself and partner with your wife.
What you wrote is so ungodly ignorant of my lived experience, it's exasperating. I did everything you said, to an extreme degree. I did nothing but work, and kids, and home chores, and everything, and got yelled at, and nagged, and criticized during all of it. None of it worked, in fact, it got worse and worse till I finally collapsed mentally and ended up in therapy for learned helplessness and apathy as a result of the trauma from the abuse. I guess responding to you has been kind of cathartic. You know, life will always have stress. And you need to handle the stresses of life, while still desiring to be with your partner. This idea that you and your partner just need to put the relationship on hold and buckle down and work hard and get the stress taken care of, and then you can enjoy each other is a recipe for an unfulfilling marriage that remains unfulfilling.
And? That's called parenting. Sounds like you were trying to "earn" sex. That isn't the way it works. You are equating a relationship with sex. The two are not the same. A relationship can exist without sex and can be healthy. Obviously, there is an emphasis on sex on this sub, but sex isn't guaranteed to anyone nor promised as part of a relationship. Making children is a selfish choice, done from ego. Raising children is a practice in selflessness to a degree most people aren't prepared for. Children require sacrifices of time, money, sleep, etc. We are not our best selves when we are sacrificing all day. Intimacy is the LAST thing on a caregivers mind, because who has the mental/emotional capacity. This process requires a recalibration of the relationship. Previous expectations are out the window. I highly recommend couples counseling during this time. It is enlightening and can help you navigate this new phase of life. You're angry, I get it, but be angry that neither of you are getting what you want and seek help to fix together.
It sounds more like you are trying to apply some situation you have lived through than to understand and empathize with what I have gone through or even fully understand what I'm saying... I'm with Ester Perez on this. Even if all you can commit to your relationship is 20minutes a day, you need to commit or the relationship will degrade. In fact, doing a simple google search will show you that therapists do not advocate neglecting your relationship in favor of the kids. The idea that only if the man helped out a little more around the house, or only if the kids were a little older, then she would be interested in him, is absolute garbage.
Here's what I think you are saying: You contributed equally to the household and it did not result in intimacy. Your wife nagged you and yelled at you instead of showing you intimacy when you contributed as an equal partner to the household. This led to you being tired and giving up because you weren't getting the intimacy you earned by doing your part. Sound about right? What I don't hear you doing is sitting down and seeing if maybe your partner had PPD/PPA (can still be present years later if not treated) or going through an exercise like Fair Play (a good excercise for understanding there are things beyond the dishes and laundry) or going to counseling as a couple, etc. What I'm trying to help you see is that some empathy, communication and focusing on the relationship would be better than you nagging your partner about sex because you washed the dinner dishes. That is such a huge turn off and makes a person NEVER want to have sex.
No, that is not what I'm saying at all... I'm saying when she says, "oh if I just had more help around the house", that even if you do that, it won't make her desire you. I'm also saying, that feminism paints the picture of men, who don't cook, clean or wash, when the reality is men do a number of tasks which are invisible to women, so men will cook, but women won't put on the snow tires. Men will wash, but women wont rake leaves. I realized it wasn't equal at all. And I'm echoing Ester Perez when she says you need to at least make an effort to put some time into your relationship. And everything I say is dismissed, like you're like an apologist for her neglecting the relationship. It's bizarre. It's absolutely invalidating. Like, if only I did this, or considered that, or connected in this way, and I'm like, "No. I married a person who is not prioritizing the relationship. Don't be that person, because it won't end well."
One morning my kid asked me if we got a cat. I said know. Then he asked why I wanted to beat up mommy’s kitty. She laughed, ran and hid in her room for an hour.