I would not play with this Dom.
He isn't interested in negotiating and finding common interests to explore. He is pushing his agenda with no care about you.
> Problem is that he claims to be a "pain" dom. He says the infliction of punishment is not only exciting and essential to him, he thinks it would be necessary to get my head into "sub space." He says it's not just enough to be restrained and "used," I need to be "owned."
This whole paragraph bothers me. It isn't that pain is bad, but the claim that pain is necessary to enter sub space is utter bullshit. There are as many ways to enters sub space as their are subs. For some, just the right stern look will do it, no pain involved.
Essentially, you opened a discussion of limits, and he completely dismissed everything you said. That is does not engender trust.
It sounds like HE prefers having a dynamic where he "owns" the sub, inflicts pain etc, but instead of stopping at "this is what I enjoy in a scene" he has chosen to make stuff up about you to manipulate you into agreeing to it. Either he does that on purpose, in which case he's an asshole, or he does it because he's..... I'm sorry but I can't come up with a benign explanation for it other than "kinda stupid".
Sounds like he may just be a better gamer friend than a kink, bondage friend.
I haven't really yet to be with a submissive person for any scene or BDSM play but even I know that it's important for the Dom person to understand and accept what the subs hard and soft limits are and how important it is to have a safe word.
I would say that what he thinks you need is of no importance. Either he can do the thing you want, the way you want it, or he can't. The reverse is true. Either you two are compatible, or you're not. If he has to have *the thing* you don't wish to provide, then you aren't compatible.
This is why we negotiate. We don't attempt to dictate what another's limits should be.
I'm a painslut and masochist- but I literally beg for it. But the way youve described this dom is a red flag. I dislike that he's impressing the scene upon you and not asking for your input or ideas for it. If you don't want the pain and are genuinely hesitant, I'd say trust your gut!!!
Try to lay out a scene script for your first time where all details are laid out for a 30 min session. Use red, yellow, green lights as safe words and communicate. If you decide not to play, just tell him why and see what your gut says. Always trust your gut!!!!!
Interesting. Never thought of actually "writing out" a scene. Would a dom be open to this? Sounds a little bit "scripted." And I do want to leave room open for him to please himself by doing stuff HE wants to do. But as you note, within certain boundaries. Maybe I should just make a list of "allowable" activities? You can do "this" and "this" and "this" but not "THIS?" That might leave room for spontaneity and yet give him some guidance of where he shouldn't go? The scene will include some light bondage and restraint, so part of the idea is that I shouldn't be able to "resist" some kinds of activities. But maybe a "roadmap" would be a good idea. This whole thing makes me so nervous!
I would also suggest asking him directly how he will respond if you give yellow or red signals. This guy makes me anxious for you. Your scene sounds like there will be times where you’re restrained enough that you physically won’t be able to protest or stop what he does and I’m so so afraid of this person breaking that trust and going beyond what you consented to.
Yeah, that's the thing right there. You're right, the idea is for me to be restrained in such a way that my um...access points...are exposed and so I couldn't stop him from penetrating me (the whole point of the encounter, really) and yet there are styles of that which are not acceptable to me. As you note, if he gets too "turned on" and decides to take me that way anyway it would be tantamount to rape, the POSSIBILITY of which is very erotic, but the REALITY of which would be extremely traumatic.
> “Infliction of punishment is… essential to him..”
Yeah that’s not essential nor a necessity.
If you do want to play with him, make sure you let him know your limits and safewords. Because no way is he not going to try to inflict some pain. Definitely would suggest not playing with him at all in the first place if that’s his stance.
No one gets to tell you what is "necessary" for you to reach sub space . That is something that is unique to everyone (and not everyone can get there).
Knowing yourself and what you need and want out of a scene is important. This is why we negotiate so that everyone is comfortable, safe, and has a good time.
To echo what others have said, you might want to be weary of this one.
If he believes pain is essential to get into subspace, I question his understanding of certain aspects of D/s dynamics.
From experience, even this idea of pain can be worked and reframed in other ways to be enjoyable and safe for all involved. Your needs and boundaries shouldn't be forced into what he says something should look like.
Some on here are saying they think he is red flag (maybe he is but not from this description). He doesn’t sound like a red flag in general because he is telling you exactly what his boundaries and expectations are and you said he has listened and agreed to your boundaries as well. But he is not for you. Your kinks do not match up.
You keep stating that he is “claiming” to be one thing and putting his kinks in quotations as if you may not take what he is saying seriously. He is telling you that is what he is and you should believe him. Doms have the right to clearly express their kinks in the beginning. It’s great that you were able to communicate and it sounds like you will find a great match for playing soon.
This is just my perspective as a submissive.
>he thinks it would be necessary to get my head into "sub space." He says it's not just enough to be restrained and "used," I need to be "owned."
**This is flat-out scary, you are right to feel afraid**. Absolutely do not play with this person, much less let yourself be restrained!!! Only YOU get to decide what is necessary for YOU! He should decline to play with you if he desires a sub who consents to 'punishment', but **it doesn't seem like he cares about your consent.**
Is there an age difference here?
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I would not play with this Dom. He isn't interested in negotiating and finding common interests to explore. He is pushing his agenda with no care about you. > Problem is that he claims to be a "pain" dom. He says the infliction of punishment is not only exciting and essential to him, he thinks it would be necessary to get my head into "sub space." He says it's not just enough to be restrained and "used," I need to be "owned." This whole paragraph bothers me. It isn't that pain is bad, but the claim that pain is necessary to enter sub space is utter bullshit. There are as many ways to enters sub space as their are subs. For some, just the right stern look will do it, no pain involved. Essentially, you opened a discussion of limits, and he completely dismissed everything you said. That is does not engender trust.
I'm a masochist and absolutely wouldn't go near this guy for anything.
It sounds like HE prefers having a dynamic where he "owns" the sub, inflicts pain etc, but instead of stopping at "this is what I enjoy in a scene" he has chosen to make stuff up about you to manipulate you into agreeing to it. Either he does that on purpose, in which case he's an asshole, or he does it because he's..... I'm sorry but I can't come up with a benign explanation for it other than "kinda stupid".
Sounds like he may just be a better gamer friend than a kink, bondage friend. I haven't really yet to be with a submissive person for any scene or BDSM play but even I know that it's important for the Dom person to understand and accept what the subs hard and soft limits are and how important it is to have a safe word.
I would say that what he thinks you need is of no importance. Either he can do the thing you want, the way you want it, or he can't. The reverse is true. Either you two are compatible, or you're not. If he has to have *the thing* you don't wish to provide, then you aren't compatible. This is why we negotiate. We don't attempt to dictate what another's limits should be.
I'm a painslut and masochist- but I literally beg for it. But the way youve described this dom is a red flag. I dislike that he's impressing the scene upon you and not asking for your input or ideas for it. If you don't want the pain and are genuinely hesitant, I'd say trust your gut!!!
Try to lay out a scene script for your first time where all details are laid out for a 30 min session. Use red, yellow, green lights as safe words and communicate. If you decide not to play, just tell him why and see what your gut says. Always trust your gut!!!!!
Interesting. Never thought of actually "writing out" a scene. Would a dom be open to this? Sounds a little bit "scripted." And I do want to leave room open for him to please himself by doing stuff HE wants to do. But as you note, within certain boundaries. Maybe I should just make a list of "allowable" activities? You can do "this" and "this" and "this" but not "THIS?" That might leave room for spontaneity and yet give him some guidance of where he shouldn't go? The scene will include some light bondage and restraint, so part of the idea is that I shouldn't be able to "resist" some kinds of activities. But maybe a "roadmap" would be a good idea. This whole thing makes me so nervous!
I would also suggest asking him directly how he will respond if you give yellow or red signals. This guy makes me anxious for you. Your scene sounds like there will be times where you’re restrained enough that you physically won’t be able to protest or stop what he does and I’m so so afraid of this person breaking that trust and going beyond what you consented to.
Yeah, that's the thing right there. You're right, the idea is for me to be restrained in such a way that my um...access points...are exposed and so I couldn't stop him from penetrating me (the whole point of the encounter, really) and yet there are styles of that which are not acceptable to me. As you note, if he gets too "turned on" and decides to take me that way anyway it would be tantamount to rape, the POSSIBILITY of which is very erotic, but the REALITY of which would be extremely traumatic.
> “Infliction of punishment is… essential to him..” Yeah that’s not essential nor a necessity. If you do want to play with him, make sure you let him know your limits and safewords. Because no way is he not going to try to inflict some pain. Definitely would suggest not playing with him at all in the first place if that’s his stance.
No one gets to tell you what is "necessary" for you to reach sub space . That is something that is unique to everyone (and not everyone can get there). Knowing yourself and what you need and want out of a scene is important. This is why we negotiate so that everyone is comfortable, safe, and has a good time.
To echo what others have said, you might want to be weary of this one. If he believes pain is essential to get into subspace, I question his understanding of certain aspects of D/s dynamics. From experience, even this idea of pain can be worked and reframed in other ways to be enjoyable and safe for all involved. Your needs and boundaries shouldn't be forced into what he says something should look like.
Some on here are saying they think he is red flag (maybe he is but not from this description). He doesn’t sound like a red flag in general because he is telling you exactly what his boundaries and expectations are and you said he has listened and agreed to your boundaries as well. But he is not for you. Your kinks do not match up. You keep stating that he is “claiming” to be one thing and putting his kinks in quotations as if you may not take what he is saying seriously. He is telling you that is what he is and you should believe him. Doms have the right to clearly express their kinks in the beginning. It’s great that you were able to communicate and it sounds like you will find a great match for playing soon. This is just my perspective as a submissive.
>he thinks it would be necessary to get my head into "sub space." He says it's not just enough to be restrained and "used," I need to be "owned." **This is flat-out scary, you are right to feel afraid**. Absolutely do not play with this person, much less let yourself be restrained!!! Only YOU get to decide what is necessary for YOU! He should decline to play with you if he desires a sub who consents to 'punishment', but **it doesn't seem like he cares about your consent.** Is there an age difference here?