Ask lots of questions that don't have yes or no answers. Ask what they do for after care. Ask how a scene has gone wrong and what they learned from it.
That's the issues with labels. For me it's not what they call something, it's whether or not they know it's something that can happen or that there's ways to reduce the risk of it. Vanilla sex often has aftercare but it's rarely called that.
My first two subs (3 years & 2 years respectively) never used the term "sub drop." Frankly, I didn't hear the term commonly used outside of blogposts until I started hanging out with large groups of kinksters.
It's good to be cautious when vocabulary isn't understood by all involved.
IMO not a red flag if they are going to listen and work to understand. Certainly a slow down until understood.
IF there is no time taken to understand a common language or terminology, THAT would be a red flag.
No, it's not a red flag.
Not everyone knows all the terms and acronyms and possibilities, especially if they've just been doing their own thing and not reading forums or whatever. The important thing is how he reacts to you talking about it; is he interested, or does he think it's stupid and not something he needs to worry about?
If he's only had one partner in those two years, they may not have known about it either so it's understandable why it never came up. Did they notice that their partner seemed off sometimes? If they had multiple partners did they talk to them and notice that sometimes they'd be sad afterwards?
Basically, it's not a red flag, but talk about it and see what they say - that'll tell you more and give you a better idea of whether they're right for you.
Sorry for the question, I'm way out of context of the conversation because English is not my first language, can you explain better what that would be? Some type of aftercare?
Subdrop, or just "drop" since it's not specific to submissives (Doms and indeed anyone else can feel it too), is the name some kinky people give to the feeling you sometimes get after a scene, or indeed any sex- or kink-related activity. It's usually a negative feeling; it can feel like sadness, being down, feeling withdrawn, depressed, perhaps feeling self-loathing or insecure - stuff like that. Kinky people love labelling things!
Some people use aftercare as a way of mitigating the feeling, or at least the initial impact of it.
It could be a terminology issue, or simply a blind spot he could have for whatever reason (previous partner didn't use this term, etc.) An honest gap in someone's knowledge is not a red flag.
It would be a red flag if they dismissed it after you explained what it is. I'd recommend talking about aftercare in general. What you need and making them tell you what they need.
If they don't need anything - that's ok.
If they dismiss what you need you can explain what a sub drop is and why it is important for you to get aftercare.
If they start arguing that it's not necessary or try to find excuses why they can't provide that: that's a red flag.
I'd be less inclined to seek out red flags.
Let's recap and see what happened:
*You had a conversation with a perspective partner, who responded honestly.*
I don't see the red flag.
I would base my thoughts on how they reacted once they were in possession of this information.
There was once a time when none of us *knew the thing*. Including you. Were you a walking red flag? Or, had you simply not learnt yet?
TBH, I believe anyone who points a finger at this person and screams, "Red flag!" lacks the empathy to remember when they were new and inexperienced. For me, that makes them a red flag. (And that includes you OP.)
There's a big difference between two years and kink, and two years of Kink Community.
I would say never assume someone knows the things you think are commonplace. Terminology in BDSM is useful as a way to start a conversation about things and it is very possible to have experienced something without knowing a name for it. I had been in the lifestyle for over a decade before I learned about some nuances and terms even though I had been on forums and read books. But it just gave me a name for things I had already experienced. Their willingness to understand the term and how they react is much more telling than if they know a term in my book. Especially since not everyone experiences drop and they may never have encountered it in the two years of what sounds like casual play. Sometimes people don't seek out more info until something happens they need to understand better either.
Donāt get too hung up on jargon. Iād go as far to say too that being really knowledgeable about all the lingo you see people use on Reddit could be a kinda false positive in the sense that they know the right things to say but do they follow through on them etc.
Asking more open ended questions about the behavior those words describe goes a long way.
Took me many months of reading romance books til I actually went on Reddit and read guides. They might watch a lot of porn and use that for experience. Be careful!
Google is a Dom's best friend. If a new sub dropped subdrop on me and I didn't know, you can be damn sure I'd make it my immediate interest to so we could talk about it right then. But that's just me, I guess.
That alone isnāt a red flag, no.
2 years experience isnāt that much imo.
It takes time to be educated and learn. There is a lot to this.
And his previous play partner/s may not have gone into subdrop as not all people that bottom do.
This is why ( imo ) vetting needs to last so long.
Someone may be able to recite defenses all day long but that doesnāt mean they have any real world experience.
Someone else may not know all the terminology, but they have real world experience.
Ideally willingness to learn is more important than actual experience unless they are saying they have that experience and be lying.
But not knowing a term doesnāt mean they are lying.
They are being honest about what they donāt know.
And againā¦ imo 2 years in and I expect there is a lot they donāt know yet.
You can both learn together.
But againā¦ vetting this person for a much longer time will bring out more about their actual experience.
Red flag? NO! I know we all like to think we know all of the terminology as it is laid out in whatever region we live or was raised within the LS but, thatās simply not the case. The fact a Dom or sub is unfamiliar with a word/term doesnāt mean theyāre unfamiliar with the concept. Like another poster said, maybe they havenāt had a relationship where that term was broached.
You should never use someone's own statement of a time frame in anything as a Guage of they are safe, good, or knowledgeable of something, because in reality it's not a statement of if they have researched, been in good relationships/dynamics, or even done anything having to do with bdsm (or any other activity or hobby really). I can say I have been sowing for 40 years, that doesn't mean I really suck at sowing still.
I think itās a balancing act. In my opinion, a Dom should know about the effects of their sessions on their partner and be educated on how to help and deal with those things, such as sub drop. But everyone learns at different paces and come from different backgrounds.
Iāve never heard of sub drop until recently, but if my partner asked me to hold them and reassure them that everything is okay. I would do it in a heart beat.
If they refuse to acknowledge that, then thatās the problem.
do you know all the terms concerning dom aftercare? would it be fair to exclude you from the conversation?
i personally am a big advocate for sub aftercare, i actually enjoy it. iāve never heard of sub drop but I had already guessed it was the same idea.
so be careful how you judge but i dont blame u cuz there is a huge spectrum of people
I was into the lifestyle as a sub for many years. I knew what subdrop was, didnt know the term. I experienced it but didnt really understand it. Not till I met my Daddy and he walked me through it, helped me through it.
I'd definitely have alot of in depth conversations about it, how you like to be cared for during i5. But lack of knowledge isnt a red flag unless they arnt willing to learn.
Iād never heard of the term, but I knew the concept as a part of aftercare! Be gentle and if he seems to be open to learning, I wouldnāt consider it a red flag. Be safe!
Maybe he hasn't personally experienced it with his subs. It is very common and I'm surprised that somebody who's been doing this for 2 years hasn't heard of it, but I think it also depends on their exposure to the community and classes and reading and stuff like that. If he's just decided he's a dom and found himself a couple of subs without ever being in the community, I guess it wouldn't surprise me all that much. I wouldn't go as far as saying it's a red flag, but I would certainly do some digging to find out why. It is very common.
Most important thing for a dom/sub relationship is open and honest communication. Talk to this person. They will have more accurate answers than Reddit.
Depends how many play partners theyāve been with over that time. If someone goes deep with a few people they may not gain evidence of that from their experiences, whereas a pro may be interacting with more individuals and have a wider view of knowledge on how people react to activities!
I would say it's a yellow flag and a sign that he's likely not involved in the BDSM community. But that doesn't mean he didn't have experiences with his ex or whatever. IMO, it's time to vet and ask more questions.
Being into something for two years can mean that they've vaguely interacted with it for an hour every other month for two years, or that they've lived 24/7 for two years, have read dozens of books about kink and have practiced with all of the various implements and toys for hours and hours, or anywhere in between.
Time in the scene does not measure how deeply they have interacted with something. I've been doing rope for almost a decade, but it's been a monthly class without much practice in between. I do not consider myself a rope artist.
If this person has only played with a few people during those two years, or only a few times, it is absolutely possible they never had a partner who experienced sub drop.
Ignorance isn't necessarily a red flag. How they react when they find a hole in their knowledge can be. If he got defensive or blustery, that's not a good sign. If he was curious and set out to learn more about sub drop, that is.
More red flags than Morocco's Independence Day (unless they know it by a different name or don't have English as their first language.)Ā Ā Ā
But in general, if you've read even the FAQ section of any kink subreddit or website like fetlife, you *cannot* possibly miss the informational links to these sorts of things. Or even in person chats about after care any time in the last two years...that would be a big surprise for me.Ā
Edited for typos and formattingĀ
People generally don't research sex, either - they just get on with it, and to many people this is just an extension of sex. And don't forget that the internet is still pretty new, how do you think people thoroughly researched BDSM before the turn of the century?
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Ask lots of questions that don't have yes or no answers. Ask what they do for after care. Ask how a scene has gone wrong and what they learned from it.
Also how they feel after a scene (regarding dom-drop)
šÆ this. Could just be a word choice issue
Not everyone calls it sub drop. If he's aware that sometimes subs crash mood wise after a session then he knows what sub drop is.
It does seem like he was. Especially when talking about aftercare and checking in after. Maybe I am just being too hung up on the term.
That's the issues with labels. For me it's not what they call something, it's whether or not they know it's something that can happen or that there's ways to reduce the risk of it. Vanilla sex often has aftercare but it's rarely called that.
My first two subs (3 years & 2 years respectively) never used the term "sub drop." Frankly, I didn't hear the term commonly used outside of blogposts until I started hanging out with large groups of kinksters.
It's good to be cautious when vocabulary isn't understood by all involved. IMO not a red flag if they are going to listen and work to understand. Certainly a slow down until understood. IF there is no time taken to understand a common language or terminology, THAT would be a red flag.
No, it's not a red flag. Not everyone knows all the terms and acronyms and possibilities, especially if they've just been doing their own thing and not reading forums or whatever. The important thing is how he reacts to you talking about it; is he interested, or does he think it's stupid and not something he needs to worry about? If he's only had one partner in those two years, they may not have known about it either so it's understandable why it never came up. Did they notice that their partner seemed off sometimes? If they had multiple partners did they talk to them and notice that sometimes they'd be sad afterwards? Basically, it's not a red flag, but talk about it and see what they say - that'll tell you more and give you a better idea of whether they're right for you.
Sorry for the question, I'm way out of context of the conversation because English is not my first language, can you explain better what that would be? Some type of aftercare?
Subdrop, or just "drop" since it's not specific to submissives (Doms and indeed anyone else can feel it too), is the name some kinky people give to the feeling you sometimes get after a scene, or indeed any sex- or kink-related activity. It's usually a negative feeling; it can feel like sadness, being down, feeling withdrawn, depressed, perhaps feeling self-loathing or insecure - stuff like that. Kinky people love labelling things! Some people use aftercare as a way of mitigating the feeling, or at least the initial impact of it.
Some people might not call it subdrop, so consider walking through the post-play process with them to see how that pans out in their mind.
I like this idea. :)
It could be a terminology issue, or simply a blind spot he could have for whatever reason (previous partner didn't use this term, etc.) An honest gap in someone's knowledge is not a red flag.
It would be a red flag if they dismissed it after you explained what it is. I'd recommend talking about aftercare in general. What you need and making them tell you what they need. If they don't need anything - that's ok. If they dismiss what you need you can explain what a sub drop is and why it is important for you to get aftercare. If they start arguing that it's not necessary or try to find excuses why they can't provide that: that's a red flag.
I'd be less inclined to seek out red flags. Let's recap and see what happened: *You had a conversation with a perspective partner, who responded honestly.* I don't see the red flag. I would base my thoughts on how they reacted once they were in possession of this information. There was once a time when none of us *knew the thing*. Including you. Were you a walking red flag? Or, had you simply not learnt yet? TBH, I believe anyone who points a finger at this person and screams, "Red flag!" lacks the empathy to remember when they were new and inexperienced. For me, that makes them a red flag. (And that includes you OP.) There's a big difference between two years and kink, and two years of Kink Community.
I appreciate this! And also why I wanted to ask. Navigating a new world and trying to be safe is extremely hard.
Iāve been a sub for going on 8 years and just learned what āsub dropā is. I donāt think the term itself is what matters in this instance.
What's subdrop? Maybe it's because I'm spanish but I don't know what that is, I can kinda imagine tho but don't want to assume
Here is a random website that talks about it: https://www.modernintimacy.com/understanding-addressing-sub-drop/
I would say never assume someone knows the things you think are commonplace. Terminology in BDSM is useful as a way to start a conversation about things and it is very possible to have experienced something without knowing a name for it. I had been in the lifestyle for over a decade before I learned about some nuances and terms even though I had been on forums and read books. But it just gave me a name for things I had already experienced. Their willingness to understand the term and how they react is much more telling than if they know a term in my book. Especially since not everyone experiences drop and they may never have encountered it in the two years of what sounds like casual play. Sometimes people don't seek out more info until something happens they need to understand better either.
Donāt get too hung up on jargon. Iād go as far to say too that being really knowledgeable about all the lingo you see people use on Reddit could be a kinda false positive in the sense that they know the right things to say but do they follow through on them etc. Asking more open ended questions about the behavior those words describe goes a long way.
Not a concern that the D doesn't know the term. Big concern if the D doesn't know/understand the concept.
Took me many months of reading romance books til I actually went on Reddit and read guides. They might watch a lot of porn and use that for experience. Be careful!
Google is a Dom's best friend. If a new sub dropped subdrop on me and I didn't know, you can be damn sure I'd make it my immediate interest to so we could talk about it right then. But that's just me, I guess.
That alone isnāt a red flag, no. 2 years experience isnāt that much imo. It takes time to be educated and learn. There is a lot to this. And his previous play partner/s may not have gone into subdrop as not all people that bottom do. This is why ( imo ) vetting needs to last so long. Someone may be able to recite defenses all day long but that doesnāt mean they have any real world experience. Someone else may not know all the terminology, but they have real world experience. Ideally willingness to learn is more important than actual experience unless they are saying they have that experience and be lying. But not knowing a term doesnāt mean they are lying. They are being honest about what they donāt know. And againā¦ imo 2 years in and I expect there is a lot they donāt know yet. You can both learn together. But againā¦ vetting this person for a much longer time will bring out more about their actual experience.
Red flag? NO! I know we all like to think we know all of the terminology as it is laid out in whatever region we live or was raised within the LS but, thatās simply not the case. The fact a Dom or sub is unfamiliar with a word/term doesnāt mean theyāre unfamiliar with the concept. Like another poster said, maybe they havenāt had a relationship where that term was broached.
You should never use someone's own statement of a time frame in anything as a Guage of they are safe, good, or knowledgeable of something, because in reality it's not a statement of if they have researched, been in good relationships/dynamics, or even done anything having to do with bdsm (or any other activity or hobby really). I can say I have been sowing for 40 years, that doesn't mean I really suck at sowing still.
I think itās a balancing act. In my opinion, a Dom should know about the effects of their sessions on their partner and be educated on how to help and deal with those things, such as sub drop. But everyone learns at different paces and come from different backgrounds.
is more of a red flag that you are judging someone because they donāt know of a specific terminology
Iāve never heard of sub drop until recently, but if my partner asked me to hold them and reassure them that everything is okay. I would do it in a heart beat. If they refuse to acknowledge that, then thatās the problem.
Depends on how they handle dealing with it.
do you know all the terms concerning dom aftercare? would it be fair to exclude you from the conversation? i personally am a big advocate for sub aftercare, i actually enjoy it. iāve never heard of sub drop but I had already guessed it was the same idea. so be careful how you judge but i dont blame u cuz there is a huge spectrum of people
I was into the lifestyle as a sub for many years. I knew what subdrop was, didnt know the term. I experienced it but didnt really understand it. Not till I met my Daddy and he walked me through it, helped me through it. I'd definitely have alot of in depth conversations about it, how you like to be cared for during i5. But lack of knowledge isnt a red flag unless they arnt willing to learn.
Iād never heard of the term, but I knew the concept as a part of aftercare! Be gentle and if he seems to be open to learning, I wouldnāt consider it a red flag. Be safe!
The term doesnāt matter. The understanding of and approach to addressing the physical and emotional components is what matters.
Maybe he hasn't personally experienced it with his subs. It is very common and I'm surprised that somebody who's been doing this for 2 years hasn't heard of it, but I think it also depends on their exposure to the community and classes and reading and stuff like that. If he's just decided he's a dom and found himself a couple of subs without ever being in the community, I guess it wouldn't surprise me all that much. I wouldn't go as far as saying it's a red flag, but I would certainly do some digging to find out why. It is very common.
As a sub idk what that even means.
Most important thing for a dom/sub relationship is open and honest communication. Talk to this person. They will have more accurate answers than Reddit.
Depends how many play partners theyāve been with over that time. If someone goes deep with a few people they may not gain evidence of that from their experiences, whereas a pro may be interacting with more individuals and have a wider view of knowledge on how people react to activities!
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They didn't say they've been in the community for two years. They said they'd been into dom/sub play during that time.
Hmm that's a good point. Maybe I need to get more into that. Seems so basic that really threw me off.
I would say it's a yellow flag and a sign that he's likely not involved in the BDSM community. But that doesn't mean he didn't have experiences with his ex or whatever. IMO, it's time to vet and ask more questions.
100% they need a lot more experience unless you are leadingā¦steer clear of these types of
Being into something for two years can mean that they've vaguely interacted with it for an hour every other month for two years, or that they've lived 24/7 for two years, have read dozens of books about kink and have practiced with all of the various implements and toys for hours and hours, or anywhere in between. Time in the scene does not measure how deeply they have interacted with something. I've been doing rope for almost a decade, but it's been a monthly class without much practice in between. I do not consider myself a rope artist. If this person has only played with a few people during those two years, or only a few times, it is absolutely possible they never had a partner who experienced sub drop. Ignorance isn't necessarily a red flag. How they react when they find a hole in their knowledge can be. If he got defensive or blustery, that's not a good sign. If he was curious and set out to learn more about sub drop, that is.
More red flags than Morocco's Independence Day (unless they know it by a different name or don't have English as their first language.)Ā Ā Ā But in general, if you've read even the FAQ section of any kink subreddit or website like fetlife, you *cannot* possibly miss the informational links to these sorts of things. Or even in person chats about after care any time in the last two years...that would be a big surprise for me.Ā Edited for typos and formattingĀ
Not everyone goes to Reddit or websites though, and aftercare is also a foreign concept to most people.
š¤ such a foreign concept to me. When I'm interested in something I research it thoroughly.
You do know not everyone is the same right, so not everyone likes to research or even read at all....or can even read.
People generally don't research sex, either - they just get on with it, and to many people this is just an extension of sex. And don't forget that the internet is still pretty new, how do you think people thoroughly researched BDSM before the turn of the century?
Yesā¦ it shows they havenāt educated themselves enough and is a red flag for aftercare.