He might, even probably will, continue to seek this fantasy. Ill advised though it might be, nothing you can do about it
You are never under an obligation to play with someone. You are never an asshole for turning down a scene you aren’t comfortable with for any reason.
To go further, I think you made exactly the right call. So many opportunities for things to go wrong and what he wanted is clearly not at all the kind of thing you wanted. Good job taking of yourself.
NTA - you're under no obligation to fulfill a scene that makes you uncomfortable.
As far as the kid... you offered him a safer alternative, he refused; you can't control what he does.
Hope this helps. Good luck!
Your meeting before and aftercare needs are reasonable precautions and are there for you, even if you're the top. Consider the scenario where someone is cat fishing as a "prank" on someone else. You need to stay very far away from anything like that.
ETA - it may be worth doing a reverse image search on the guy and warning him just in case there is someone in their life trying to do this to them.
You are never the AH to refuse to have a scene on the grounds of consent and safety. You have your own boundaries when it comes to who you are intimate with, and that's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to have. You made your boundaries clear, he's not compatible with them. That's totally normal, and you should not feel bad for saying no. He is unfortunately going to have to learn the hard way the importance of negotiation and aftercare. Or perhaps he may never learn at all, but that's not on you. You've done the best you can, and that's all that anyone can ask you to do.
I don't think that not wanting aftercare is a red flag in itself, because not everyone wants that, but I think that this person is showing red flags in other ways;
* Asking for CNC through a personals ad with a person he doesn't know, especially at 20 years old this is concerning
* Wanting all the things straight away with no trust built beforehand
* No apparent regards for safety, and reluctance to use safe words
Basically it all seems very impulsive. It sounds like he's trying to make a horny fantasy come to life asap because he's in frenzy/horny mode. He also sounds very immature (not saying that's a bad thing, we've all been there) but he doesn't know his limits and boundaries yet and he won't know how to stay safe. It's not your job to figure that out for him but it is your job as the more experienced person to say No.
No you're not an ah, and unfortunately he's not your responsibility. You set a good example by enforcing your boundaries and trying to be safe. I think that's the best you can do for him, I hope he doesn't find someone who will do this
This just shows his immaturity on the subject. Mainly he thinks this is all about him. He also doesnt have a good understanding the emotional state he will be at during and at the end.
If he isn't open to feedback not much you can do other than remove yourself for the situation.
NTA. At all.
You never have to do something you're uncomfortable with, and I hope he does take your safety concerns into consideration.
Sometimes people do prefer to get their CNC aftercare from a different person than their scene partner, but that's still something that should be negotiated ahead of time. And it can absolutely take a toll on the top, so your aftercare needs are also important.
Answering an ad to do CNC as pickup play is wildly risky, for both parties.
That being said, there's nothing wrong with declining to play when your risk profiles don't match up.
Not wanting aftercare isn't that uncommon, I have a play partner that always leaves immediately after the scene and we don't talk for about a day after. She prefers it that way.
Not using safe words isn't necessarily an issue either, if you're both experienced and you know each other and both have enough trust in each other to feel like you can read the situation on the fly.
The combination of being inexperienced, asking for extreme play without any regard to basic safety or neighbors and seeking it with complete strangers is a huge red flag for play. You dodged a bullet. Some people have a fantasy they want played out so badly that they can't imagine that it will go wrong, and this is what that feels like.
No, of course not. You upheld your boundaries and stood by your values. That’s a hard thing to do, especially when you’re placing yourself in a caretaking position. Which, honestly, is one of the best things you can do for him. I have some now-fond memories of an older partner upholding his boundaries (in a different context) that were painful at the time, but ultimately became an invaluable model for me. Understanding what I can reasonably expect from others, what others can reasonably expect from me, and how to go about communicating that— it’s one of the most impactful life lessons of my twenties. I’m glad for it, now.
It sounds like this kid has some things to work through, and it’s very sweet that you’re looking out for him in that way. I get the sense that you want to protect him? Or feel obligated to do so? In any case, however you proceed with this is up to you. If you want to take him under your wing and teach him some Life Things, that could be a really lovely and fulfilling experience for both of you (if he wants something similar, anyway, and boundaries are in place and upheld). If you want to close the door on the whole thing, that’s completely reasonable and would absolutely be the correct move if that’s what your heart is telling you (overextending yourself out of a hollow sense of obligation isn’t a great or healthy thing for anyone).
In any case, you’ve taught him something about boundaries, which he may or may not come to appreciate in time. But it’s not just about him; it’s about you, too. Keep doing what’s best for you
No, you're setting your own limits.
We always talk about respecting the limits of our bottom partners but we should respect the limits of tops just as well.
NTA.
I don’t like aftercare when I bottom and I know that makes me not compatible with all Tops.
Neither is wrong but that’s your boundary and 100% valid.
The other things? He’s a walking red flag and anyone that actually goes through with this is as well.
You dodged a bullet.
There’s a law and order episode about this. It was someone setting someone up to get actually raped, by posting asking for CNC. No way in hell I would engage in this sort of play without a very clear boundary, safe word and through screening beforehand that this is actually what they want.
You advised him that his proposed scene wouldn’t be safe or consensual and modeled the behavior of meeting to talk about limits, setting a safeword, setting the expectation of aftercare, etc. You provided some education, it’s up to him whether he chooses to accept your advice or not. 20 is young but he is ultimately an adult who can and will make his own choices.
You're not an asshole for having your own limits. Yes, he probably will end up in a bad situation, but that's not your responsibility and you can't save everyone (it took me a while to learn that lesson).
Not wanting aftercare isn't a problem (lots of people don't want aftercare) but the whole thing he wanted could easily have left you open to assault or even rape charges, so for that reason alone - looking out for yourself - you did the right thing.
All we can do is keep our side of the street clean.
Sounds like severe sub frenzy or maybe a few bricks shy of a load, like bipolar or manic. TIFM that’s no fun to be around. BTDT.
No you absolutely made the right call. I agree with everyone that he will likely search until he finds what he's looking for and that's not on you in any way
Of that is what he wants he can find someone who will do that for him, it just so happens it is not you. Some people are okay with different levels of risk seeking this out he has to bear that consequence good or bad we can't save people from their own choices. Hopefully the person he finds is self limiting. Dominant people are right to decide if certain risks or play is off the table. You are not the asshole
Hey, just because they’re spiraling a bit and trying to do some really unsafe shit doesn’t mean you have to entertain it.
I stopped perusing a bottom because they wouldn’t stop talking about how they wanted to be broken by someone.
Edit: hit the wrong button.
You have to protect yourself too.
Why would you be an asshole for refusing to do a scene? You’ve got serious issues with it, so it seems like a no brainer for you NOT to do it. This dude is a complete stranger to you and you owe them absolutely nothing. You could have refused a scene with them cause you think their nose looks kinda funny(although I’d be respectful of course).
My point is that you don’t have to have a legitimate reason for not playing with someone, and in your case you actually do have quite a few legitimate reasons so you should feel absolutely great about your decision.
Hey ! You did what any sane person would have done in this situation, sometimes inexperienced people ( specially the young ones) get carried away by their imaginations and porn and want to jump right to the scene, they don’t understand how important it is to talk about the limits and safewords beforehand. It might appear to take away some of the thrill from the experience but they don’t understand that done wrongly this one time thing can be mentally scarring and can impact their entire life.
But you did your best to try to negotiate things, since he still didn’t listen to you, you had every right to move away from the engagement, and let him make his own decisions. I hope other people do the same and after 1-2 rejections, he might understand that d/s is a bit more nuanced then what porn industry would have led him to believe.
Nta. You said he’s 20? He’s probably trying to explore to see what kink fits and what doesn’t. It’s really good of you to have stood up for his impending trauma, but kids don’t tend to listen until they’re listening in hindsight, and I know that from personal experience. Is he likely to keep looking? Probably, but will he remember your words? Absolutely. You did your best and that’s all you can do. You’re not an ah for sticking to your boundaries and caring about his mental health. He’s just young
What everyone else said I agree with - not at all the asshole, even if the concerns around him continuing to seek out this particular CNC fantasy are super valid. One thing I wish more subs understood is that aftercare isn't just for the sub, but for the Dom/me as well. "I don't want any aftercare" is a hard limit for me, as aftercare helps me to self-regulate and avoid any drop after a particularly intense scene. I also don't play with anyone who I haven't met beforehand to negotiate specifics. All of these are perfectly reasonable limits, and they don't stop being reasonable just because someone who is new and vulnerable is trying to do something dangerous.
/u/ComfortableTexan, our AutoModerator attaches this message to every post. It contains information you may find useful: Guide 01 . . . . . . . . . . [Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/9ig794/rules_for_rbdsmadvice/). Guide 02 . . . . . . . . . . [How to use the search function](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/searchfunction/). Guide 03 . . . . . . . . . . *[Need Ideas](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/noobs/)*? Guide 04 . . . . . . . . . . [It's your dynamic](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/canthelpyou/). Guide 05 . . . . . . . . . . [No mention of minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/aknfy1/posts_aboutinvolving_minors/). Guide 06 . . . . . . . . . . [Do not post PSAs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/publicserviceannouncements/). Guide 07 . . . . . . . . . . [Policy re PMs](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/nopms/). Guide 08 . . . . . . . . . . [Exiting abuse](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/exitingabuse/). Guide 09 . . . . . . . . . . [Kinky dating](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/comments/ov6uaj/how_can_i_find_a_kinky_partner/). **[Our Wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/BDSMAdvice/wiki/index).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BDSMAdvice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He might, even probably will, continue to seek this fantasy. Ill advised though it might be, nothing you can do about it You are never under an obligation to play with someone. You are never an asshole for turning down a scene you aren’t comfortable with for any reason. To go further, I think you made exactly the right call. So many opportunities for things to go wrong and what he wanted is clearly not at all the kind of thing you wanted. Good job taking of yourself.
NTA - you're under no obligation to fulfill a scene that makes you uncomfortable. As far as the kid... you offered him a safer alternative, he refused; you can't control what he does. Hope this helps. Good luck!
Your meeting before and aftercare needs are reasonable precautions and are there for you, even if you're the top. Consider the scenario where someone is cat fishing as a "prank" on someone else. You need to stay very far away from anything like that. ETA - it may be worth doing a reverse image search on the guy and warning him just in case there is someone in their life trying to do this to them.
You are never the AH to refuse to have a scene on the grounds of consent and safety. You have your own boundaries when it comes to who you are intimate with, and that's a perfectly normal and healthy thing to have. You made your boundaries clear, he's not compatible with them. That's totally normal, and you should not feel bad for saying no. He is unfortunately going to have to learn the hard way the importance of negotiation and aftercare. Or perhaps he may never learn at all, but that's not on you. You've done the best you can, and that's all that anyone can ask you to do.
I don't think that not wanting aftercare is a red flag in itself, because not everyone wants that, but I think that this person is showing red flags in other ways; * Asking for CNC through a personals ad with a person he doesn't know, especially at 20 years old this is concerning * Wanting all the things straight away with no trust built beforehand * No apparent regards for safety, and reluctance to use safe words Basically it all seems very impulsive. It sounds like he's trying to make a horny fantasy come to life asap because he's in frenzy/horny mode. He also sounds very immature (not saying that's a bad thing, we've all been there) but he doesn't know his limits and boundaries yet and he won't know how to stay safe. It's not your job to figure that out for him but it is your job as the more experienced person to say No.
No you're not an ah, and unfortunately he's not your responsibility. You set a good example by enforcing your boundaries and trying to be safe. I think that's the best you can do for him, I hope he doesn't find someone who will do this
This just shows his immaturity on the subject. Mainly he thinks this is all about him. He also doesnt have a good understanding the emotional state he will be at during and at the end. If he isn't open to feedback not much you can do other than remove yourself for the situation.
nope — you negotiate aftercare like you do scenes — not a fit don’t do it
NTA. At all. You never have to do something you're uncomfortable with, and I hope he does take your safety concerns into consideration. Sometimes people do prefer to get their CNC aftercare from a different person than their scene partner, but that's still something that should be negotiated ahead of time. And it can absolutely take a toll on the top, so your aftercare needs are also important.
Answering an ad to do CNC as pickup play is wildly risky, for both parties. That being said, there's nothing wrong with declining to play when your risk profiles don't match up. Not wanting aftercare isn't that uncommon, I have a play partner that always leaves immediately after the scene and we don't talk for about a day after. She prefers it that way. Not using safe words isn't necessarily an issue either, if you're both experienced and you know each other and both have enough trust in each other to feel like you can read the situation on the fly. The combination of being inexperienced, asking for extreme play without any regard to basic safety or neighbors and seeking it with complete strangers is a huge red flag for play. You dodged a bullet. Some people have a fantasy they want played out so badly that they can't imagine that it will go wrong, and this is what that feels like.
Doms have boundaries and limits too. 100% valid. NTA
No, of course not. You upheld your boundaries and stood by your values. That’s a hard thing to do, especially when you’re placing yourself in a caretaking position. Which, honestly, is one of the best things you can do for him. I have some now-fond memories of an older partner upholding his boundaries (in a different context) that were painful at the time, but ultimately became an invaluable model for me. Understanding what I can reasonably expect from others, what others can reasonably expect from me, and how to go about communicating that— it’s one of the most impactful life lessons of my twenties. I’m glad for it, now. It sounds like this kid has some things to work through, and it’s very sweet that you’re looking out for him in that way. I get the sense that you want to protect him? Or feel obligated to do so? In any case, however you proceed with this is up to you. If you want to take him under your wing and teach him some Life Things, that could be a really lovely and fulfilling experience for both of you (if he wants something similar, anyway, and boundaries are in place and upheld). If you want to close the door on the whole thing, that’s completely reasonable and would absolutely be the correct move if that’s what your heart is telling you (overextending yourself out of a hollow sense of obligation isn’t a great or healthy thing for anyone). In any case, you’ve taught him something about boundaries, which he may or may not come to appreciate in time. But it’s not just about him; it’s about you, too. Keep doing what’s best for you
NTA. Past your limits. No safe word. Fuck that.
No, you're setting your own limits. We always talk about respecting the limits of our bottom partners but we should respect the limits of tops just as well.
You did the right thing, hands down.
No you would be the asshole if you have this kid what he asked for. You were a responsible adult here OP and I commend you for telling this person no.
NTA. I don’t like aftercare when I bottom and I know that makes me not compatible with all Tops. Neither is wrong but that’s your boundary and 100% valid. The other things? He’s a walking red flag and anyone that actually goes through with this is as well. You dodged a bullet.
There’s a law and order episode about this. It was someone setting someone up to get actually raped, by posting asking for CNC. No way in hell I would engage in this sort of play without a very clear boundary, safe word and through screening beforehand that this is actually what they want.
You advised him that his proposed scene wouldn’t be safe or consensual and modeled the behavior of meeting to talk about limits, setting a safeword, setting the expectation of aftercare, etc. You provided some education, it’s up to him whether he chooses to accept your advice or not. 20 is young but he is ultimately an adult who can and will make his own choices.
You're not an asshole for having your own limits. Yes, he probably will end up in a bad situation, but that's not your responsibility and you can't save everyone (it took me a while to learn that lesson). Not wanting aftercare isn't a problem (lots of people don't want aftercare) but the whole thing he wanted could easily have left you open to assault or even rape charges, so for that reason alone - looking out for yourself - you did the right thing.
All we can do is keep our side of the street clean. Sounds like severe sub frenzy or maybe a few bricks shy of a load, like bipolar or manic. TIFM that’s no fun to be around. BTDT.
Nope. Not the asshole
No you absolutely made the right call. I agree with everyone that he will likely search until he finds what he's looking for and that's not on you in any way
Of that is what he wants he can find someone who will do that for him, it just so happens it is not you. Some people are okay with different levels of risk seeking this out he has to bear that consequence good or bad we can't save people from their own choices. Hopefully the person he finds is self limiting. Dominant people are right to decide if certain risks or play is off the table. You are not the asshole
You are never required to play outside of your own risk profile. I am glad to hear you didn’t go through with play you are uncomfortable with!
Hey, just because they’re spiraling a bit and trying to do some really unsafe shit doesn’t mean you have to entertain it. I stopped perusing a bottom because they wouldn’t stop talking about how they wanted to be broken by someone. Edit: hit the wrong button. You have to protect yourself too.
You did nothing wrong. If a woman behaved id decline. People are entitled to doing stupid things. We are not obligated to participate
NO!
Why would you be an asshole for refusing to do a scene? You’ve got serious issues with it, so it seems like a no brainer for you NOT to do it. This dude is a complete stranger to you and you owe them absolutely nothing. You could have refused a scene with them cause you think their nose looks kinda funny(although I’d be respectful of course). My point is that you don’t have to have a legitimate reason for not playing with someone, and in your case you actually do have quite a few legitimate reasons so you should feel absolutely great about your decision.
Hey ! You did what any sane person would have done in this situation, sometimes inexperienced people ( specially the young ones) get carried away by their imaginations and porn and want to jump right to the scene, they don’t understand how important it is to talk about the limits and safewords beforehand. It might appear to take away some of the thrill from the experience but they don’t understand that done wrongly this one time thing can be mentally scarring and can impact their entire life. But you did your best to try to negotiate things, since he still didn’t listen to you, you had every right to move away from the engagement, and let him make his own decisions. I hope other people do the same and after 1-2 rejections, he might understand that d/s is a bit more nuanced then what porn industry would have led him to believe.
NTA in letters 50 ft tall.
Nta. You said he’s 20? He’s probably trying to explore to see what kink fits and what doesn’t. It’s really good of you to have stood up for his impending trauma, but kids don’t tend to listen until they’re listening in hindsight, and I know that from personal experience. Is he likely to keep looking? Probably, but will he remember your words? Absolutely. You did your best and that’s all you can do. You’re not an ah for sticking to your boundaries and caring about his mental health. He’s just young
What everyone else said I agree with - not at all the asshole, even if the concerns around him continuing to seek out this particular CNC fantasy are super valid. One thing I wish more subs understood is that aftercare isn't just for the sub, but for the Dom/me as well. "I don't want any aftercare" is a hard limit for me, as aftercare helps me to self-regulate and avoid any drop after a particularly intense scene. I also don't play with anyone who I haven't met beforehand to negotiate specifics. All of these are perfectly reasonable limits, and they don't stop being reasonable just because someone who is new and vulnerable is trying to do something dangerous.