I feel like getting fit, when you used to be out of shape and/or gaining a lot of money right away is something that can easily corrupt you if you don't clamp down on it.
The loss of weight brought her more attention, which gave birth to a new confidence that she didn't have before. Unfortunately for her, she decided to ditch everything associated with the old weight without thinking about things properly.
Hope the OOP is doing better without all of that extra baggage. And I hope his ex stops bothering him and reflects on her own issues. I don't think she understands the full gravity of what she did and the pain she caused. It's not just the divorce, it's the lack of accountability, the lack of help at home, the cheating, the dismissal of OOP's feelings, etc.... what she did is messed up.
It's like when a poor person wins the lottery and goes bankrupt 2 years later. She never had this attention before and therefore no idea how to deal with it as a married lady, rather than a single 20 year old.
Yeah, my ex lost 15 pounds (goal was much more) and suddenly felt like he was hot shit. He believed that if he continued with his weight loss journey, he’d be able to attract the “type of women” he was more attracted to, but was previously too afraid to approach. If I recall, he actually had a few potential courtships lined up before he broke up with me. He also said that I wasn’t his type and only stayed with me because he felt like I was the best he was going to get at his current league.
6 months later, my ex contacts me to ask me out on a date. After some prying, I learned he did get into relationships with his dream women, but he “kept getting his heart broken.” Ah, yes. The way to any woman’s heart is to say that you want to date her because all the women you wanted didn’t want your dumpy ass. I basically told him to F off. He continued to pop in and out of my messages for another year.
I did relish in the bad karma, especially because the last thing I ever said to my ex came true. I told him he needs to work on his ego, and one day, he’ll know how I felt because he’s pursuing women just as superficial as he is, maybe even more so. And one day, he’s going to meet a woman with a bigger ego than his who will stomp all over him. I was right…multiple times lol.
It’s almost laughable that people who act this way always crawl back and beg to get back with you, even though they were so adamant that they were out of your league to begin with.
I lost a ton of weight growing up and the attention difference feeds a validation cycle that’s just brutal. I lost all my weight when I was 18 and got confident in my new body at like 21. I whored around a lot and got accustomed to that mindset of attention and am still trying to unlearn that at 26 now :/. I can’t imagine what that difference does to people already in committed relationships.
I became mildly internet famous during the pandemic and I was a free man and it still got outta control.
Luckily for me others went crazy before I got the chance and made me tighten things down.
Turns out women *can* be just as creepy as men.
Women can be creepier honestly. Mostly because they aren't called out. I've seen posts with very cringe replies and men cheering them on or other women doubling down on it. If men had written the same exact thing women would be throwing a fit. I've seen comments toward children and barely anything said. I will say thankfully that they are starting to get called out more.
I had one woman purposely run into my husband and stick out her chest to rub her boobs all over his arm. He didn't notice and was complaining how she didn't have to pass him there was other room for her to go (we were in a checkout line and the lines all around us were empty, she did it on purpose). I explained what actually happened and he just stared at her in disgust. A man rub his junk on a woman? Charges filed.
Yes! I hate this double standard. It took us all long enough to start believing women about SA and general creeper behavior, and it’s time to start believing men, too.
Can I ask how it doesn’t get annoying? I feel like I got pretty around the same time 18 and now 27 and I’m married and the attention is just old sure it was nice sometimes when I wanted to pick up for a night or whatever but it didn’t make finding people who wanted me for me any easier and people telling you the same shit every 2.5 seconds isn’t exactly intellectually stimulating. is it specifically because of societies views around weight or something? Like I can’t think this is fun for anyone for that long
It’s a hell of a drug. I’ve never been overweight but i lost some weight a couple years ago and i felt SO confident and excited after a lifetime with terrible body image - looking back on it i think i was even a little manic. i didn’t lose it through healthy means though (was borderline underweight at one point) and i put most of jt back on. it’s been a rough journey learning to accept that my current weight is healthy and healthy looks good on me.
Getting in shape is the poor mans getting rich.
No one prepares you for the wave of whores (Man and lady) who will crest that mountain for you once you attain it. Most have no clue and drown in it, thinking its a just a nice swim before realize the riptide took you out to the middle of the Douche Sea.
What I respect is Dude knows that closure only comes from yourself, he didn't need her for it, didn't give her shit when she crawled back. Gave himself closure, lost the deadweight and will find someone who will make him tiramisu or at the very least eat too much of it with him.
Too many people start with goal of losing 5-10kg of spare fat, and end up shedding 75-100kg of dead weight. You can break the trend! Lose no weight at all \^\_\^
I've always said. It's fat and happy. Skinny and sketchy.
Like being in shape good. But too good of a shape. Like who are you trying to look good for, when I'm already in love with the way you look now? We got there together or I met you this way. Who are you changing for?
Wow... You really think your partner only cares about what you think, rather than their own health? I hope anyone you hook up with figures that out before they get in too deep with you.
Once again how long have you been married? How long have any of you people been in relationships longer than 5 years? How long? I've been married 21 years. 21. So let me ask you again. How long have you been together with a significant other? I've been with her since before the Trade Centers were destroyed. We got fat together. We lost some weight together. We got fat and lost weight again. But you. Want to say you feel sorry for me. Or someone i hook up with. That's a you problem. We did it for our health. But you know what we didn't do it for other you. You can't understand 1 thing i wow because of limited life experiences. And if you say I'm crashing out or whatever you people say now. Yes I am. This is a stupid statement on your part. Grow the hell up.
2024 - 1987 = 37 years. What do you mean once again? Did you ask me at some point? By your logic since I've been happily married 16 years longer than you have I clearly know more about this than you. Right? Or does that only work with you when you are talking to other people who have married more recently?
Are you even replying to the right person here?
Id imagine that's because alot more people are gaining weight in their relationships or whatever rather than slimming down or getting fit.
The world is getting fatter day by day.
That's cause people are gaining weight from stress eating. So weight gain is usually associated with bad shit happening in general. So it isn't the only thing going wrong but it'll just add another issue to the marriage.
I think for divorces it's losing weight.
It's still really looked down to divorce someone for getting fat....
But a formerly heavy person losing weight, getting hit on feeling like they have more options and heading out to find themselves is more "acceptable"
I remember reading about it as it applied to weight loss surgery
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/17/bariatric-divorce-why-extreme-weight-loss-leads-to-break-ups
The number of women at my former gym I watch slowly glow up, then some guy comes over, and BOOM, give it 6 weeks, the guy has moved on to another woman.
My new gym discourages this. They have people who keep an eye on the guys who are only seeking brief connections, and over the last few years, there has been a lot of people, men and women and NB who have created issues.
Meanwhile, the crossfit gym just had a massive scandal occur where it appears that at least 50% of its members are now dealing with a bunch of relationships ending, and a few workers were fired.
From what I have read, a normal gym has a small number of couples who divorce, but if it is a crossfit gym.... divorce lawyers can easily afford that new house in Tahiti...
Well... the post I saw on my local town noticeboard.... the bride to be, wasn't invited to her own combined bachelor and bachelorette party, and was sent evidence where allegedly, there was some very extreme exercising being done, not only by her now ex, but a few people who were her friends as well as family.
I read a post yesterday I thought was about this crossfit gym, but a lot of different information, but yeah... if you want to be in a relationship... don't do crossfit
I did CF for a little while as a married woman and some guy was flirty with me. I didn't wear a ring working out so he was not likely targeting me b/c I was married. But I hate being flirted with so it only made me uncomfortable. I had the "I'm only here to workout" mentality but then the women got catty because I was reserved. I quit because I didn't like doing complex lifts quickly even though they never pressured anyone - you can't do an EMOTM workout slowly. I wanted to take my time and feel my body doing the movement and maintain form. In the end I loved learning how strong my body could get and I can now do complex lifts and I take that to my gym. No regrets.
Or CrossFit is where dead marriages reveal themselves?
Lets be honest, there is nothing about CrossFit versus a gym that encourages infidelity. Maybe, *maybe* it's because the average person at CrossFit is far more into it, and CrossFit encourages the forming of a social group identity than your average 24 hour fitness would be. It's not that it's full of people looking for affair partners, it's that sometimes you join a new group of people who have the same interests you do and you realize that your marriage has been dead for years and the jolt makes you realize it. I would argue that any other group activity would have a similar effect
I never want to talk to anyone at the gym ever except maybe an occasional employee if I have a question or something doesn't work. It's always confusing to me when other people go there to flirt or whatever.
My current gym has a "Gym Bro Dad" guy is like in his 50/60s, it is fun watching the gym every January as people join up, and GBD and others slowly show the creeps they aren't welcomed.
First year joined, I was on the row machine that overlooked the gym weight lifting and treadmill area, and I happened to see a guy looking at a lass bent over. I had GBD on a bike a few rows over, and I looked at him, pointed, and then watched the gathering of the boys to slowly direct the guy out. Nothing obvious, just got to give a look, and immediately, everyone who knows enjoys the show.
GBD also makes certain that weight loss goers get treated nice also. No egos allowed
Tell me about it. In my previous gym, you had to continually check the unisex change rooms and unisex showers for hidden cameras. I left it not just due to that, but it was a toxic culture. If you gained weight, you felt like a naughty kid.
Meanwhile, current gym, you gain, there is a worker who explains how plateauing, or weight gain occurs and how to manage it when in a rigorous exercise routine.
I never thought I would love a gym so much. It is that safe, and inclusive, we have some of the adult dancers there, because they know they are safe
Omg there’s this one Reddit post that touches on this exact thing. It was about this wife who was concerned about these women who would flirt with her husband at this cross fit gym. Found out about the nature of CrossFit gyms as hubs for infidelity and hook ups lol.
Learned something new about crossfit
So true. I’ve been overweight for most of my life, and then in my mid twenties I went to the doctors to look into getting weight loss surgery. One of the big things the doctors warned me about was that if you are married or in a committed relationship, there’s like a 50% chance of it ending after the surgery. They talked about it like it was a side effect of the surgery.
That divorce rate isn't usually well explained: half of all marriages end, but not half of all married people will end up divorced because of serial marriages. The real stat is closer to 33% or 30%.
My husband was concerned about this when I decided to lose weight. My husband is freaking amazing. He loved me when I was thinner, and he loved me fat fat. He's a rare treasure, and no way is he getting away from me. 🤣
I can imagine. Many times I've seen people have some kind of glow up- be it a change in their physical appearance or more money or a better career or more recognition- they start acting terribly to others who were there for them before this glow up.
Not everyone, but it's quite a few people.
Infatuation is a hell of a drug, and if someone gets hotter, they're probably getting quite an increase in infatuation opportunities.
Crushes basically short-circuit the brain. I feel like it throws the brain into Mate Acquisition Mode, which just doesn't work well at all with Relationship Maintenance Mode.
Then there's the uptick in the hormones that come along with exercise.
We're robots, and she broke.
Nobody is saying it's an excuse, they're saying that human brains are dumb and easily influenced. Understanding the feelings, why we're programmed to have those feelings, and how to overcome them are valuable skills that help you avoid the issues they create.
Jupp.
Things that change how you see yourself or how others see you will of course have an impact on your relationship.
Weightloss, loss of sexdrive, becoming depressed or being "cured" of depression.
The people you are interested in and that are interested in you are often not the same if you change or become different.
I find that sad, growing up, we are always told about how "love will find us" and "true love conquers all", but stats like this really make me question that, and there's a lot of them.
We were lied to a lot growing.
"Work hard and you can have a good life"
"The future is bright"
"It's not what's on the outside that's important, it's what's on the inside"
Yeah. I've come to learn it's all bullshit. The only thing that matters is money, and in 2024, you have to either get EXTREMLY lucky or have wealthy parents in order to have money.
Two men are drifting into the sea on separate rowboats, one struggles for hours, preying to god for the strength to paddle to shore, eventually making it, while the other begs god to save them, does nothing, and is carried out to sea and their death.
A lot of the people who taught us that "Love will find us" and true love conquers all" are in the same boat as the second guy.
Absolutely, but it seems like in this day. Our boats have spun around and made us forget what direction the shore is in and you have a 1 in 360 chance of paddling in the right direction.
The hardest part is finding someone else willing to row in the same direction, so you're actually *moving.* At the very least you're not going in circles then.
I think for a lot of people, "love will find us" became "I don't have to go looking for love." Finding a partner, and keeping them, takes a lot of work. Not all of it is Hollywood.
True love exists whether or not it comes and goes. I think the issue is viewing it like an idealistic storybook. Good ppl just have love to give 🤷♂️. Just sucks when it’s taken advantage of.
I've gained weight recently from an injury and I am itching to get better and back in the gym... Maybe I should re-evaluate my relationship first so I don't leave my boyfriend this second I'm hot again. 🤣😅
I was always worried that if I ever got "skinny" I'd turn into a huge bitch. I need to lose weight for my health but its a mega struggle. But I think I'd be happy if I could even drop 100 lbs at this point, not even worry about being skinny.
If you worry about that it will never happen. I lost 80 pounds and I actually became a bit more patient and easier to be around because I wasn't so miserable anymore.
Funny I was listening to a podcast and the host said her husband decided to get back into shape. All her coworkers said he is effing someone or wants to. Poor thing started to feel insecure in her relationship. Call me naive but maybe he just wanted to be healthy?
Not quite the same, but close enough.. I tell my husband all the time that I don't have anyone to impress anymore , I got him 'hook, line, and sinker' so he's stuck with me now haha. It's usually in response to him asking if I'm going to wear my pajamas all day, or if I'm really going to the store looking a hot mess, homeless chic.
When considering gastric bypass surgery, one of the things they educate potential patients about is that there are a lot of hormones stored in our fat cells. And when someone loses a lot of weight very quickly, those hormones flood your system, which really impacts the thought process, decision-making abilities, emotional balance, that sort of thing.
OOP was so incredibly correct when he warned the wife not to make decisions based on her newfound confidence.
Around the time I was 30 I got super healthy, worked out with a trainer twice a week for months, and I got down to what I previously thought was an impossible of weight for me. (size 16 and up for most of my life, was down to a size 4)
It definitely impacted my perception of the world. I found myself subconsciously fat shaming and having a physical reaction to the behaviors of people who were trying to justify their morbid obesity.
Isn’t that Rich? Former fat girl who spent 30 years of her life being bullied, riddled with angst over weight issues and all of a sudden, I’m having these thoughts and feelings towards other people! I never acted on it, but it was so incredibly ugly being in my own head. Where did my empathy go? How the fuck could I feel this way towards people whose struggle I gone through for decades?
I never did or said anything to anyone but it made me want to crawl out of my own skin when I became mindful of those thoughts and feelings. I was ashamed to be me.
And of course, four years later I was up to my heaviest weight ever.
Cross addiction is real. If people don’t deal with the underlying reasons why they use their drug of choice as a coping mechanism, it will just switch to something else. Doesn’t matter if your drug of choice is food or cigarettes or sex or alcohol or drugs or shopping. It’s all interrelated.
I wish I had a better explanation as to why that is. I spent decades, wishing to be those skinny people, and once I became one, it’s like I forgot where I came from.
Right now I am almost emaciated due to illness, and my inner fat girl is still squealing with delight at how skinny I am right now. But I see how gaunt I am in the pictures. I can’t stand for more than 20 minutes right now due to weakness. But the unhealthy fat girl that is still driving the bus some days thanks it’s a worthwhile trade-off.
While I am not a "former fat" just yet I do know what you are talking about, for me it is because they are one of the things I hate the most about myself. I am sure that is why I at times can have unkind thoughts about others with the same struggles as myself.
Honestly? That also makes sense. I think some formerly fat people are also nasty because they still don't feel good about themselves even after losing weight.
I did eventually have gastric bypass, and my grandmother, who has been very overweight most of her adult life, said “now all your problems will be gone! “
—
—
———uuuuuuhhhhh….WHAT??
And she was completely serious. Well, I knew I would have to do some mental work to get to the core of a healthy relationship with food, I was not so delusional that I blamed all my problems on the fact that I was fat.
It actually made me very sad that that was her lens through what she looked at the world.
Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk!😁
Everything that I wrote about is based on my personal experience, and if sharing my embarrassing stories can help even one person avoid the path I went down, it’s totally worth it.
It takes discipline 24hrs a day to maintain/lose weight. It's just easier to maintain that focus and discipline if you develop a visceral dislike for things that make you think of gaining weight. It's like an unconscious brain hack that leads to uncomfortably critical thoughts/reactions. Not everyone has the perspective to filter them out.
If that works for you, then awesome!
For me, I found that if I try to look at everything in 24 hour chunks, if I overindulge, it would give me permission to just keep going because heck, I already ruined today. Tomorrow is another day!
I just keep telling myself that I just need to make the right choice right now. I will have the opportunity to make another choice soon, but all I need to worry about is now.
And if I do make a bad choice, I know that I will have the opportunity to make a better choice soon. It keeps me from feeling like I’ve completely blown myself out of the water.
And again, this is what works for me. Part of any recovery journey is building your tool kit with what works best for you.
I got sober from alcohol about four years ago and have had to have some Real Talk with myself about my relationship with food. It's pretty obvious I've traded one addiction for another and go on binges when I can't deal with my emotions. It sucks! I don't know what to do. Quitting drinking was easy, compared to this. You just... stop drinking. You can't quit food!
Congratulations on the alcohol, it’s tough. And yes, that’s the problem with food. You can’t just avoid it for the rest of your life.
Here’s the hard question: did you do the work?
Did you get a sponsor, did you get through all the steps? Those are always of digging into the underlying reasons of why you’re trying to use unhealthy coping mechanisms.
The bad news is that it’s a lot of work, it gets emotional.
The good news is that once you’ve identified why, you can work on fixing it.
The best news is that you end being more honest with yourself, able to assert boundaries, and you just like yourself so much better.
You feel that way towards people because you’re seeing the ugly reflection of your former self in them. It’s more of the same self hatred you had, you’re just projecting it now. You’re associating their fat with failure and weakness because of your own experience. It’s an ugly trait, I fight it too.
Thank you! That makes so much sense!
In some of the groups I’ve taken, they say “if you spot it, you got it”.
in the group it used as a positive thing. The exercise is that at the end of the group work, to pick one person and tell them 5 things you see in them, all positive stuff.
“Marie, I see you a heart full of love for other people”
The surprise ending is when we then tell them that everything they said about someone else is really also what they see in themselves.
I didn’t think about it from the negative side of things. But it makes total sense.
The good news is, you fight it the same way you fight your own self hatred: positive self-affirmation (I’m doing better) and personal forgiveness/empathy (I’m trying/growing). Re-ground your mind when you’re spiraling negatively, and focus on gratitude and empathy.
The bad news is… all of that is REALLY HARD 😂🤣
It is!
I spent several years in prison, and I took every group I could get into. I even went on to teach several of them. And I really wish that everyone would continue on the journey of self improvement.
The skills that I learned, the coping mechanisms I learned, and the ways to reset my world perspective all continue to help me on a daily basis. I find myself repeating key lessons every single day.
Feelings are not facts.
Reacting – you get what you get, responding – you get what you want.
I am the master of my mind, not a victim of my thinking.
Stuff like that😁
I’ve gained and lost over and over again throughout my life. I genuinely believe the attitude people are left with at the end of their weight loss journey is dependent on the mindset they begin with. Every time, I hated myself and shamed myself. I internalized the way society treated me and punished myself to lose weight. When I’d be successful with the weight loss, I’d look at and focus on bigger people and feel sad for them or judgmental. I realized that I was becoming the embodiment of the words I’d heard from other people my entire life.
However, during my final attempt at weight loss (the only one that’s ever been successful in terms of maintaining the weight) I completely changed my negative thoughts with the help of my therapist. This journey wasn’t about losing weight or being skinny and acceptable. For once in my life I genuinely learned to love myself at every size I am. I can look back at pictures of myself where I am bigger and I still say I’m beautiful bc I was. It’s not about changing myself so that people can finally love me, it’s about taking care of the body that takes care of me. This was revolutionary for me and helped me to address so many negative thought patterns I developed around eating and body image during my childhood.
I learned that if I shame and guilt myself into losing weight I’m not solving the root of the problem. I still am left with zero self worth or respect and I end up projecting that unfairly onto other people. I ended up thinner, but my mind was still filled with negative and toxic thoughts. I was still a prisoner to weight someway or another. And every single time, without fail, I’d gain all of the weight back. I needed to reflect inwards and address how unhealthy it is to think this way.
Because of this, I am super into body positivity now and I am a strong believer that even if someone desires to change themselves, they should still love themselves regardless of what they look like in the present moment bc the present moment is only temporary. Nobody should be made to feel guilty or ashamed in order to accomplish their goals. We can’t control the way society treats us or the things people say to us, but we have full control over the way we speak to and treat ourselves. I internalized the negative things people told me about my weight and became my own biggest bully that I couldn’t escape from. Never again.
When I look at bigger people now, my only priority is treating them with the kindness and respect that I wish people would have given me when I was at my biggest.
Maybe "ignore your new found confidence" could be phrased accurately? It comes across as controlling, because it is.
I'm on OP's side on this one. It doesn't change that there were better ways for him to respond than "I think your confidence is a bad thing". If he was so aware, why not ask her or even anticipate regarding hormones? It doesn't all pass muster, it sounds like she settled and he didn't realize he had chosen someone who didn't choose him.
The most obvious thing that probably happened is that guy banged her a couple times and then moved on to the next one.
There’s a guy at my gym that’s always doing shit like this. Probably six different women have quit because they don’t want to keep going where he is and more women are happy to be the next one.
Whenever you hear a woman ask why men will be such pigs and super pushy trying to get them in bed the answer is that it works. Guys that are gross and pushy and don’t give a shit about people rarely go home alone unless they choose to. Every time you hear a story about something crazy a guy said or did on a tinder first date or asking for a BJ five minutes into the first conversation that is the answer. They do it because it works.
It's like bulk mail. If you don't care who it is who finally goes to bed with you, you can just throw out a huge net and see who it catches. They don't have to care that they offend 90% of the women they talk to so long as the remaining 10% are refreshed frequently.
I knew a guy like this and he had absolutely no shame. He would hit on a woman, get turned down, and then hit on her friend who was standing right next to her. Everyone thought was a total ass, but he regularly got what he wanted.
> because it works.
Women, IMHO, cannot stand that this is true.
Men don't control the market for sex. Women do, and that's why do much effort goes into controlling women's behavior through legal, religious, and other means.
Women need to understand that if you want your man to feel special and treat you special, then that's gotta be reciprocated.
One example I've experienced, witnessed, and discussed:
So it boils down to random dude gets laid, partner's friend's feelings hurt, negative emotions to partner, then partner gets emotional support from you, then the emotional capacity is for the partner's friend, who goes out and starts the cycle again. Notice, no sex, no nothing for the man, because solving the problem isn't our role. We listen and affirm and....?
Why am I expected to listen about how some other guy got laid for no effort? I'm not supporting you as my partner. I'm expected to listen when the end function is that the friend is in good enough shape to go out and get hurt again making sure some guy is getting laid?
That's why boundaries are important, including being willing to break up if you're not being prioritized having your needs met. If you want sex but the closest you get is drama about someone else having sex. You need to leave the relationship.
Ironically, before she got fit, OP loved her for who she really was.
After she got fit, he went through with the divorce, because he saw who she really was.
Yup most likely ended up cheating with a guy from the gym, he told her he would be a better man for her, she left hee husband, and then the guy told her “woah I just wanted an easy romp” and then she came back begging for her old safety net. A tale as old as time
Closure is such a fascinating concept. "I did a horrible thing to you and if I don't unload my guilt on you, I won't be able to move on." Well, that really isn't my problem, is it? The moment you did the horrible thing, you eliminated all responsibility on my part from helping you feel less like a piece of crap. You did the thing, you get to enjoy all the benefits, perks, privileges, and consequences of the thing now. Enjoy.
Yeah I think that closure should be for the person that has been betrayed and abandoned. They should be allowed the opportunity to get shit off their chest, it isn't for an abuser to get rid of any guilt. I'm glad that OOP refused to deal with her.
He’s better off. I would hate to be married to someone who would be willing to give up the life we built together because they have newly built abs. Maybe she always felt like she settled.
I hope he finds someone that genuinely cares for him because beauty fades.
The ironic thing is she's probably going to fall back on her diet/ exercise now and gain back the weight she lost. Most people gain 50% of the weight back within 2 years, 80% within 5. If she's depressed over her divorce that probably makes the statistics even worse.
She definitely shagged the dude in the gym who gave her an ego boost, she thought she was worth more so went for it with him, then realised that the chad only wanted to bone her - suddenly she comes crawling back to OOP.
Blew her life up for one gym bro who has probably already been inside multiple other married women at the gym.
Hope karma finds her.
So sad. She was cheating on him with some guy at the gym but he only wanted her for sex. She found out the hard way.
Something similar happened to one of my wife's friends. She had always been the chubby girl with the good personality. She got married, had two kids and was a SAHM. In her thirties she was diagnosed with a spinal condition and needed to lose weight asap. After the gastric bypass she hit the gym hard. She made new friends at the gym. After about a year or so she had the excess skin surgery and a boob job. Shortly thereafter she became a different person. The transformation was staggering. I mean she went from Louie Anderson to Pamela Anderson. She was going out and partying with her gym buddies and leaving her husband at home to watch the kids. Long story short, she texted her husband one night that she was too drunk to drive home (something she had been doing almost every weekend) and was crashing at her female gym buddy's house. He dropped the kids off at his parents' house, went to the friend's house and walked in to find her and her friend having group fun with some guys they picked up at the night club. Yeah, they got divorced.
Excuse me "months"? That sounds about enough time for a fling to run its course. Maybe even a pregnancy scare which would explain this drastic turnaround with the crying and begging.
The thing is, she is still the chubby depressed person inside that needs external validation. Some people are able to change their entire life around, some just what's on the inside and other just what's on the outside. She was able to change her exterior, but inside she was still that insecure person that craved external validation.
It might be great at the start, but life can get pretty tiring when you're constantly chasing that validation, while living in fear that you may not be enough. Over time, you start to miss the life where even though you may not have been confident in yourself, you were confident that the people in your life love you for you. You simply miss being yourself and having your guard down because you feel safe and comfortable.
I've seen this happened to a few people in my life. It's either weight loss, or financial gain that brings change. Sometimes I question if it's really a personality change or are we only now seeing the real personality?
You saying this now makes me think about that old saying about power. Does power truly corrupt? Or is it that people who find themselves in power typically are twisted to start. I think it might be the latter because to get power, you have to want it, and why would you want power?
Sadly, I’ve seen this happen multiple times when I once worked at a gym. The oop was right because he learned from experience and he tried to warn his ex wife. With new body changes you have to also adjust your mind because new experiences and feelings can set us up to go in thinking so positively that you lose sight of a good balance and you’ll believe everything hedonistic is meant for you. You’ll rationalize taking every opportunity because you’re used to a lack of it. Not everything that glitters is gold.
Ugh my ex did this to me. I was / am an athlete and got her into it, she got fit, tried to hook up sith my best friend, hooked up with her ex, got fat again, and tried to get me to take her back. Shes still with her ex last i's heard but that dudes uhh, a piece of work.
It is a sign that someone views relationships as commodities, and is a sign of being a really terrible person.
>
Shes still with her ex last i's heard but that dudes uhh, a piece of work.
>hooked up with her ex, got fat again, and \[her ex\] tried to get me to take her back
Sounds like karma has gotten her good. That being said, I'm surprised that her ex who tried to give her back to you is still with her especially if she gain weight again. Guess "Misery Loves Company"
FAFO - she did the first bits with her new confidence, and then found out its not much fun without someone you love, then realised that bridge has been burnt because she torched it with dynamite.
Good on you mate. You're absolutely right - she sounds like someone with a bit of low self esteem and when she got more fit and started getting more attention from attractive guys, she thought (like a bunch of other women in these sort of situations) that these guys were willing to get into a relationship with her - when in actuality all the guys just wanted was to hit it and quit it. She probably found out the hard way and then tried going back to you. The problem is that she already fucked up a central tenet of what a relationship - especially a marriage - is which is a partnership that relies on trust to get through both good and bad times.
Trust in karma my man. Guys have a much easier time getting into another solid relationship post-divorce, and as long as you build yourself not only physically but with positive, optimistic mental energy, you're going to have a great time.
Yeah the idea that you could find someone "better" than the person who loved you as you were no matter what size is wild to me. But then I've never had someone like that so maybe that's why I get how rare it is to find them.
I experienced this.
I got a partner of mine seriously into the gym and she got the fittests shed ever been.
I also shared with her a very very long time passion/hobby of mine.
She met someone in the hobby who gaslit her ass into being fuck buddies.
So I lost a love and am struggling to not also lose a passion of mine I've had since a small child
Shit sucks
My ex fiancé did this to me. I was in shape, she was in okay shape. Relationship got comfortable. I gained a little of weight, she gained ALOT of weight. She changed schools and interned in Florida Disney and dropped ALOT of weight with diet and old school Coca-Cola . She changed so much and she cheated. I was scolded for not getting as skinny as I was working and she was treating me terribly. She tried getting back in touch after failed relationships and gaining weight back. Glad OOP stood his ground.
It's so crazy how you can be with someone, support them through their lowest times, and then once you've helped them build up their confidence they jump ship. People are gross.
Sounds like she was having an affair with this other man she was flirting with, once he had what he wanted he dropped her like a ton of bricks.
That's when she came running back as she realized she had been used and the grass wasn't greener.
Good for OP to stand his ground and go through with the divorce.
She *definitely* had some guy in her ear telling her how her husband is a loser, and controlling, and doesn't deserve her. She probably regretted it after she realized she became aware of his more unappealing traits (or he slept with her and then ghosted).
OOP is smart to skip her apology tour. The only thing that's going to happen is that he'll end up more hurt as she tells him how often she cheated or whatever. His closure is that he's out of there and the divorce is done. Fortunately no kids, so he can cut her off entirely and move on.
It is amazing just how different society views people, especially women, that have lost weight. I admit that I am part of the problem, there's a women I know that I was polite to but distant only the last time I saw her she had lost around 50 pounds in the past year and looks amazing and yeah I was way more drawn to her.
Now imagine being married and all of a sudden you are getting attention you didn't get before. Unless you have a good group of friends/family that will keep you grounded it is very easy to get an inflated sense of ego. There's a BORU in which OOP's then gf gets a boob job and her personality changes entirely and she ends up dumping him.
If it was me, when she asked me for a 1-on-1 talk for “closure” i would just reply “I don’t need to know how many gym rats you whored yourself to or how you got dumped by whatever upgrade you had found to have closure. I got my closure when you showed me the shallow and selfish human being you are. Go back to ridding the carrousel, i settled for your as well and now i want an upgrade.”
She got in shape and screwed every male in the gym and the bars and is now looking for the security and safety that only you would supply for her.
Let her continue her trek to her ultimate destination as a bar fly and crack whore.
I think she fucked around and found out that the guys that were interested in her weren't interested in relationships. She realized how lonely it would be after none of her flings wanted to be anything but FWB.
I can't wait for the update when OOP finally moves on and she's still lonely.
Bravo OOP.
She was definitely cheating on you. At least emotionally and probably physically, too. Bet she thought she was moving up in the world, and you were just an anchor holding her back. Then came the wake-up call.
Did she catch your replacement cheating on her? Get dumped as soon as Mister Right got bored? Finally dropped the Prince Charming act and revealed he was a complete asshole?
So tries to treat you like Plan B. But you didn't let her. Bitch made that bed, so she gets to rot in it. Alone.
Then goes for a Hail Mary pass by trying to get "closure." When all it really was? An attempt to make herself feel better. Lessen her guilt. Maybe even weasel her way back into your life.
But you didn't let her do that either. Showed her that she no longer has any place in your heart. Any place in your life. Made the consequences of her choices clear.
Well done, OOP. You deserve better. And she knows it.
You’d be very foolish to backtrack at this point. Somehow she feels she “lost” or is “losing” and is trying to avoid it. After the divorce you can remain in contact and see how she reacts but, for now, proceed to the divorce.
You’d be very foolish to backtrack at this point. Somehow she feels she “lost” or is “losing” and is trying to avoid it. After the divorce you can remain in contact and see how she reacts but, for now, proceed to the divorce.
If I were her parent I'd never be able to look at her the same way again. Imagine throwing out years of a good stable life for the temporary thrill of some attention from the gym bros.
I love how he handled like an intelligent adult. This gentlemen didn't throw a tantrum, refused to compromise on his values and let her dig her hole as her pleases.
I think it's important to remember to never lose your sense of identity in a relationship and become codependent on anyone else because people are unpredictable, by all my means love you SO dearly but love yourself first and foremost.
Fuck that hoe. She wanted to fuck all the dudes that wanted to fuck her. No one wants her for more than sex. She finally realized that and wants back to the only dude that loved her. Once again, fuck that hoe
Counter anecdote to all this hating on gym glow ups, my buddy lifelong dealt with depression and stuff. Got hitched to an absolute fucking bitch narcissist. We all told him to not propose, but he did it anyways. None of us were invited to his wedding, she isolated him from his "toxic" friends etc etc.
Well like 8 years down the road, he goes on a fitness journey, deals with his depression and anxiety, gets his head above the clouds to breathe a bit and realize we were right. He is married to a walking red flag witch and files for divorce. He attributes his bad decision making with crippling depression/anxiety/childhood trauma and just seeking anything that would give him comfort, even an evil harridan who would jerk him around constantly, like an abused puppy he still sought her attention and approval.
It feels good to have our bro back, he's back to the guy we knew in college, tall, outgoing, athletic, and with a newfound sobriety as well as he had turned to drinking in his marriage.
I feel like getting fit, when you used to be out of shape and/or gaining a lot of money right away is something that can easily corrupt you if you don't clamp down on it. The loss of weight brought her more attention, which gave birth to a new confidence that she didn't have before. Unfortunately for her, she decided to ditch everything associated with the old weight without thinking about things properly. Hope the OOP is doing better without all of that extra baggage. And I hope his ex stops bothering him and reflects on her own issues. I don't think she understands the full gravity of what she did and the pain she caused. It's not just the divorce, it's the lack of accountability, the lack of help at home, the cheating, the dismissal of OOP's feelings, etc.... what she did is messed up.
It's like when a poor person wins the lottery and goes bankrupt 2 years later. She never had this attention before and therefore no idea how to deal with it as a married lady, rather than a single 20 year old.
According to some recent studies the win the lottery and then die or going broke thing is a myth
Yeah, my ex lost 15 pounds (goal was much more) and suddenly felt like he was hot shit. He believed that if he continued with his weight loss journey, he’d be able to attract the “type of women” he was more attracted to, but was previously too afraid to approach. If I recall, he actually had a few potential courtships lined up before he broke up with me. He also said that I wasn’t his type and only stayed with me because he felt like I was the best he was going to get at his current league. 6 months later, my ex contacts me to ask me out on a date. After some prying, I learned he did get into relationships with his dream women, but he “kept getting his heart broken.” Ah, yes. The way to any woman’s heart is to say that you want to date her because all the women you wanted didn’t want your dumpy ass. I basically told him to F off. He continued to pop in and out of my messages for another year. I did relish in the bad karma, especially because the last thing I ever said to my ex came true. I told him he needs to work on his ego, and one day, he’ll know how I felt because he’s pursuing women just as superficial as he is, maybe even more so. And one day, he’s going to meet a woman with a bigger ego than his who will stomp all over him. I was right…multiple times lol. It’s almost laughable that people who act this way always crawl back and beg to get back with you, even though they were so adamant that they were out of your league to begin with.
I lost a ton of weight growing up and the attention difference feeds a validation cycle that’s just brutal. I lost all my weight when I was 18 and got confident in my new body at like 21. I whored around a lot and got accustomed to that mindset of attention and am still trying to unlearn that at 26 now :/. I can’t imagine what that difference does to people already in committed relationships.
I became mildly internet famous during the pandemic and I was a free man and it still got outta control. Luckily for me others went crazy before I got the chance and made me tighten things down. Turns out women *can* be just as creepy as men.
Women can be creepier honestly. Mostly because they aren't called out. I've seen posts with very cringe replies and men cheering them on or other women doubling down on it. If men had written the same exact thing women would be throwing a fit. I've seen comments toward children and barely anything said. I will say thankfully that they are starting to get called out more. I had one woman purposely run into my husband and stick out her chest to rub her boobs all over his arm. He didn't notice and was complaining how she didn't have to pass him there was other room for her to go (we were in a checkout line and the lines all around us were empty, she did it on purpose). I explained what actually happened and he just stared at her in disgust. A man rub his junk on a woman? Charges filed.
Yes! I hate this double standard. It took us all long enough to start believing women about SA and general creeper behavior, and it’s time to start believing men, too.
Can I ask how it doesn’t get annoying? I feel like I got pretty around the same time 18 and now 27 and I’m married and the attention is just old sure it was nice sometimes when I wanted to pick up for a night or whatever but it didn’t make finding people who wanted me for me any easier and people telling you the same shit every 2.5 seconds isn’t exactly intellectually stimulating. is it specifically because of societies views around weight or something? Like I can’t think this is fun for anyone for that long
It’s a hell of a drug. I’ve never been overweight but i lost some weight a couple years ago and i felt SO confident and excited after a lifetime with terrible body image - looking back on it i think i was even a little manic. i didn’t lose it through healthy means though (was borderline underweight at one point) and i put most of jt back on. it’s been a rough journey learning to accept that my current weight is healthy and healthy looks good on me.
Getting in shape is the poor mans getting rich. No one prepares you for the wave of whores (Man and lady) who will crest that mountain for you once you attain it. Most have no clue and drown in it, thinking its a just a nice swim before realize the riptide took you out to the middle of the Douche Sea. What I respect is Dude knows that closure only comes from yourself, he didn't need her for it, didn't give her shit when she crawled back. Gave himself closure, lost the deadweight and will find someone who will make him tiramisu or at the very least eat too much of it with him.
I forget the stat, but weight loss is a HUGE factor that leads to a high divorce rate.
That makes me feel better about my repeated failed diets. It's because I just love my husband too damn much
I like that perspective
Too many people start with goal of losing 5-10kg of spare fat, and end up shedding 75-100kg of dead weight. You can break the trend! Lose no weight at all \^\_\^
LOL
Goddamn that made me laugh
Totally understand and relate. My hubby literally loves me through thin and thick!
This is so cute! He's a lucky man
I've always said. It's fat and happy. Skinny and sketchy. Like being in shape good. But too good of a shape. Like who are you trying to look good for, when I'm already in love with the way you look now? We got there together or I met you this way. Who are you changing for?
Themselves obviously. Why would someone want to be healthy and grow their confidence unless they're trying to cheat on their SO? What a mystery.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Wow... You really think your partner only cares about what you think, rather than their own health? I hope anyone you hook up with figures that out before they get in too deep with you.
Once again how long have you been married? How long have any of you people been in relationships longer than 5 years? How long? I've been married 21 years. 21. So let me ask you again. How long have you been together with a significant other? I've been with her since before the Trade Centers were destroyed. We got fat together. We lost some weight together. We got fat and lost weight again. But you. Want to say you feel sorry for me. Or someone i hook up with. That's a you problem. We did it for our health. But you know what we didn't do it for other you. You can't understand 1 thing i wow because of limited life experiences. And if you say I'm crashing out or whatever you people say now. Yes I am. This is a stupid statement on your part. Grow the hell up.
2024 - 1987 = 37 years. What do you mean once again? Did you ask me at some point? By your logic since I've been happily married 16 years longer than you have I clearly know more about this than you. Right? Or does that only work with you when you are talking to other people who have married more recently? Are you even replying to the right person here?
That's really interesting. I wonder which is a greater harbinger of divorce: One spouse suddenly *losing* weight, or one spouse *gaining* weight?
At least when you take a look at Reddit posts gaining weight seems to be the bigger problem.
Id imagine that's because alot more people are gaining weight in their relationships or whatever rather than slimming down or getting fit. The world is getting fatter day by day.
Sugar is everywhere. And sugar makes you happy. So yeah.
That's cause people are gaining weight from stress eating. So weight gain is usually associated with bad shit happening in general. So it isn't the only thing going wrong but it'll just add another issue to the marriage.
I think for divorces it's losing weight. It's still really looked down to divorce someone for getting fat.... But a formerly heavy person losing weight, getting hit on feeling like they have more options and heading out to find themselves is more "acceptable" I remember reading about it as it applied to weight loss surgery https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/17/bariatric-divorce-why-extreme-weight-loss-leads-to-break-ups
My lady husband is in several post-bariatric surgery groups and they refer to it as "becoming a statistic".
There's a tater tot documentary on Hulu; one of the men featured said if a woman gains weight, she's out because it shows she doesn't respect him.
Ewww
I was more annoyed by her butter face nodding along and saying he's right. If ever there was a pick me...
I will inform my husband that because I love him I will stay chubby.
Get in shape together.
The number of women at my former gym I watch slowly glow up, then some guy comes over, and BOOM, give it 6 weeks, the guy has moved on to another woman. My new gym discourages this. They have people who keep an eye on the guys who are only seeking brief connections, and over the last few years, there has been a lot of people, men and women and NB who have created issues. Meanwhile, the crossfit gym just had a massive scandal occur where it appears that at least 50% of its members are now dealing with a bunch of relationships ending, and a few workers were fired. From what I have read, a normal gym has a small number of couples who divorce, but if it is a crossfit gym.... divorce lawyers can easily afford that new house in Tahiti...
CrossFit is where marriages go to die. It's insane!
Well... the post I saw on my local town noticeboard.... the bride to be, wasn't invited to her own combined bachelor and bachelorette party, and was sent evidence where allegedly, there was some very extreme exercising being done, not only by her now ex, but a few people who were her friends as well as family. I read a post yesterday I thought was about this crossfit gym, but a lot of different information, but yeah... if you want to be in a relationship... don't do crossfit
😶
Well shit, just started CrossFit gym yesterday for the first time.
I did CF for a little while as a married woman and some guy was flirty with me. I didn't wear a ring working out so he was not likely targeting me b/c I was married. But I hate being flirted with so it only made me uncomfortable. I had the "I'm only here to workout" mentality but then the women got catty because I was reserved. I quit because I didn't like doing complex lifts quickly even though they never pressured anyone - you can't do an EMOTM workout slowly. I wanted to take my time and feel my body doing the movement and maintain form. In the end I loved learning how strong my body could get and I can now do complex lifts and I take that to my gym. No regrets.
Well kiss your spouse goodbye. Won't be long before you're a featured story on BORU! (J/k)
Or CrossFit is where dead marriages reveal themselves? Lets be honest, there is nothing about CrossFit versus a gym that encourages infidelity. Maybe, *maybe* it's because the average person at CrossFit is far more into it, and CrossFit encourages the forming of a social group identity than your average 24 hour fitness would be. It's not that it's full of people looking for affair partners, it's that sometimes you join a new group of people who have the same interests you do and you realize that your marriage has been dead for years and the jolt makes you realize it. I would argue that any other group activity would have a similar effect
I never want to talk to anyone at the gym ever except maybe an occasional employee if I have a question or something doesn't work. It's always confusing to me when other people go there to flirt or whatever.
My current gym has a "Gym Bro Dad" guy is like in his 50/60s, it is fun watching the gym every January as people join up, and GBD and others slowly show the creeps they aren't welcomed. First year joined, I was on the row machine that overlooked the gym weight lifting and treadmill area, and I happened to see a guy looking at a lass bent over. I had GBD on a bike a few rows over, and I looked at him, pointed, and then watched the gathering of the boys to slowly direct the guy out. Nothing obvious, just got to give a look, and immediately, everyone who knows enjoys the show. GBD also makes certain that weight loss goers get treated nice also. No egos allowed
That sounds so nice!
Tell me about it. In my previous gym, you had to continually check the unisex change rooms and unisex showers for hidden cameras. I left it not just due to that, but it was a toxic culture. If you gained weight, you felt like a naughty kid. Meanwhile, current gym, you gain, there is a worker who explains how plateauing, or weight gain occurs and how to manage it when in a rigorous exercise routine. I never thought I would love a gym so much. It is that safe, and inclusive, we have some of the adult dancers there, because they know they are safe
Is GBD’s name Omar?
Nah, but I wouldn't dox him on here.
Omg there’s this one Reddit post that touches on this exact thing. It was about this wife who was concerned about these women who would flirt with her husband at this cross fit gym. Found out about the nature of CrossFit gyms as hubs for infidelity and hook ups lol. Learned something new about crossfit
I read that too, I thought it was about my local at first
Learned something new about *that* Crossfit gym.
So true. I’ve been overweight for most of my life, and then in my mid twenties I went to the doctors to look into getting weight loss surgery. One of the big things the doctors warned me about was that if you are married or in a committed relationship, there’s like a 50% chance of it ending after the surgery. They talked about it like it was a side effect of the surgery.
isn't there already a 50% divorce rate in general in the US?
That divorce rate isn't usually well explained: half of all marriages end, but not half of all married people will end up divorced because of serial marriages. The real stat is closer to 33% or 30%.
Touché
My husband was concerned about this when I decided to lose weight. My husband is freaking amazing. He loved me when I was thinner, and he loved me fat fat. He's a rare treasure, and no way is he getting away from me. 🤣
I can imagine. Many times I've seen people have some kind of glow up- be it a change in their physical appearance or more money or a better career or more recognition- they start acting terribly to others who were there for them before this glow up. Not everyone, but it's quite a few people.
Infatuation is a hell of a drug, and if someone gets hotter, they're probably getting quite an increase in infatuation opportunities. Crushes basically short-circuit the brain. I feel like it throws the brain into Mate Acquisition Mode, which just doesn't work well at all with Relationship Maintenance Mode. Then there's the uptick in the hormones that come along with exercise. We're robots, and she broke.
Not 👏 An 👏 Excuse 👏
Nobody is saying it's an excuse, they're saying that human brains are dumb and easily influenced. Understanding the feelings, why we're programmed to have those feelings, and how to overcome them are valuable skills that help you avoid the issues they create.
It’s not an excuse but it’s an explanation.
I don’t know why this is so hard to grasp for some people.
well, duh.
Jupp. Things that change how you see yourself or how others see you will of course have an impact on your relationship. Weightloss, loss of sexdrive, becoming depressed or being "cured" of depression. The people you are interested in and that are interested in you are often not the same if you change or become different.
I find that sad, growing up, we are always told about how "love will find us" and "true love conquers all", but stats like this really make me question that, and there's a lot of them.
We were lied to a lot growing. "Work hard and you can have a good life" "The future is bright" "It's not what's on the outside that's important, it's what's on the inside"
Yeah. I've come to learn it's all bullshit. The only thing that matters is money, and in 2024, you have to either get EXTREMLY lucky or have wealthy parents in order to have money.
Two men are drifting into the sea on separate rowboats, one struggles for hours, preying to god for the strength to paddle to shore, eventually making it, while the other begs god to save them, does nothing, and is carried out to sea and their death. A lot of the people who taught us that "Love will find us" and true love conquers all" are in the same boat as the second guy.
Absolutely, but it seems like in this day. Our boats have spun around and made us forget what direction the shore is in and you have a 1 in 360 chance of paddling in the right direction.
The hardest part is finding someone else willing to row in the same direction, so you're actually *moving.* At the very least you're not going in circles then.
I think for a lot of people, "love will find us" became "I don't have to go looking for love." Finding a partner, and keeping them, takes a lot of work. Not all of it is Hollywood.
True love exists whether or not it comes and goes. I think the issue is viewing it like an idealistic storybook. Good ppl just have love to give 🤷♂️. Just sucks when it’s taken advantage of.
I've gained weight recently from an injury and I am itching to get better and back in the gym... Maybe I should re-evaluate my relationship first so I don't leave my boyfriend this second I'm hot again. 🤣😅
I was always worried that if I ever got "skinny" I'd turn into a huge bitch. I need to lose weight for my health but its a mega struggle. But I think I'd be happy if I could even drop 100 lbs at this point, not even worry about being skinny.
If you worry about that it will never happen. I lost 80 pounds and I actually became a bit more patient and easier to be around because I wasn't so miserable anymore.
That and breast implants.
Funny I was listening to a podcast and the host said her husband decided to get back into shape. All her coworkers said he is effing someone or wants to. Poor thing started to feel insecure in her relationship. Call me naive but maybe he just wanted to be healthy?
Not quite the same, but close enough.. I tell my husband all the time that I don't have anyone to impress anymore , I got him 'hook, line, and sinker' so he's stuck with me now haha. It's usually in response to him asking if I'm going to wear my pajamas all day, or if I'm really going to the store looking a hot mess, homeless chic.
Not the weight loss. It's the gym rat. And in this case my bet is he pumped and dumped her..
something something correlation not equals to causation
When considering gastric bypass surgery, one of the things they educate potential patients about is that there are a lot of hormones stored in our fat cells. And when someone loses a lot of weight very quickly, those hormones flood your system, which really impacts the thought process, decision-making abilities, emotional balance, that sort of thing. OOP was so incredibly correct when he warned the wife not to make decisions based on her newfound confidence. Around the time I was 30 I got super healthy, worked out with a trainer twice a week for months, and I got down to what I previously thought was an impossible of weight for me. (size 16 and up for most of my life, was down to a size 4) It definitely impacted my perception of the world. I found myself subconsciously fat shaming and having a physical reaction to the behaviors of people who were trying to justify their morbid obesity. Isn’t that Rich? Former fat girl who spent 30 years of her life being bullied, riddled with angst over weight issues and all of a sudden, I’m having these thoughts and feelings towards other people! I never acted on it, but it was so incredibly ugly being in my own head. Where did my empathy go? How the fuck could I feel this way towards people whose struggle I gone through for decades? I never did or said anything to anyone but it made me want to crawl out of my own skin when I became mindful of those thoughts and feelings. I was ashamed to be me. And of course, four years later I was up to my heaviest weight ever. Cross addiction is real. If people don’t deal with the underlying reasons why they use their drug of choice as a coping mechanism, it will just switch to something else. Doesn’t matter if your drug of choice is food or cigarettes or sex or alcohol or drugs or shopping. It’s all interrelated.
Thank you for this. It clarifies so much for me. As a fat woman, some of the nastiest people I deal with were formerly fat.
I wish I had a better explanation as to why that is. I spent decades, wishing to be those skinny people, and once I became one, it’s like I forgot where I came from. Right now I am almost emaciated due to illness, and my inner fat girl is still squealing with delight at how skinny I am right now. But I see how gaunt I am in the pictures. I can’t stand for more than 20 minutes right now due to weakness. But the unhealthy fat girl that is still driving the bus some days thanks it’s a worthwhile trade-off.
Yeah, the mind can be a chaotic thing when it comes to our bodies. I wish you a good recovery from your illness.
While I am not a "former fat" just yet I do know what you are talking about, for me it is because they are one of the things I hate the most about myself. I am sure that is why I at times can have unkind thoughts about others with the same struggles as myself.
They're crabby because they're hungry.
Honestly? That also makes sense. I think some formerly fat people are also nasty because they still don't feel good about themselves even after losing weight.
I did eventually have gastric bypass, and my grandmother, who has been very overweight most of her adult life, said “now all your problems will be gone! “ — — ———uuuuuuhhhhh….WHAT?? And she was completely serious. Well, I knew I would have to do some mental work to get to the core of a healthy relationship with food, I was not so delusional that I blamed all my problems on the fact that I was fat. It actually made me very sad that that was her lens through what she looked at the world.
We reserve our deepest contempt for those who mirror our most shameful insecurities.
That's very enlightening. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you for coming to my TEDTalk!😁 Everything that I wrote about is based on my personal experience, and if sharing my embarrassing stories can help even one person avoid the path I went down, it’s totally worth it.
It takes discipline 24hrs a day to maintain/lose weight. It's just easier to maintain that focus and discipline if you develop a visceral dislike for things that make you think of gaining weight. It's like an unconscious brain hack that leads to uncomfortably critical thoughts/reactions. Not everyone has the perspective to filter them out.
If that works for you, then awesome! For me, I found that if I try to look at everything in 24 hour chunks, if I overindulge, it would give me permission to just keep going because heck, I already ruined today. Tomorrow is another day! I just keep telling myself that I just need to make the right choice right now. I will have the opportunity to make another choice soon, but all I need to worry about is now. And if I do make a bad choice, I know that I will have the opportunity to make a better choice soon. It keeps me from feeling like I’ve completely blown myself out of the water. And again, this is what works for me. Part of any recovery journey is building your tool kit with what works best for you.
I got sober from alcohol about four years ago and have had to have some Real Talk with myself about my relationship with food. It's pretty obvious I've traded one addiction for another and go on binges when I can't deal with my emotions. It sucks! I don't know what to do. Quitting drinking was easy, compared to this. You just... stop drinking. You can't quit food!
Congratulations on the alcohol, it’s tough. And yes, that’s the problem with food. You can’t just avoid it for the rest of your life. Here’s the hard question: did you do the work? Did you get a sponsor, did you get through all the steps? Those are always of digging into the underlying reasons of why you’re trying to use unhealthy coping mechanisms. The bad news is that it’s a lot of work, it gets emotional. The good news is that once you’ve identified why, you can work on fixing it. The best news is that you end being more honest with yourself, able to assert boundaries, and you just like yourself so much better.
I hear you. Check out OA meetings. Get therapy. Learn about intuitive eating.
You feel that way towards people because you’re seeing the ugly reflection of your former self in them. It’s more of the same self hatred you had, you’re just projecting it now. You’re associating their fat with failure and weakness because of your own experience. It’s an ugly trait, I fight it too.
Thank you! That makes so much sense! In some of the groups I’ve taken, they say “if you spot it, you got it”. in the group it used as a positive thing. The exercise is that at the end of the group work, to pick one person and tell them 5 things you see in them, all positive stuff. “Marie, I see you a heart full of love for other people” The surprise ending is when we then tell them that everything they said about someone else is really also what they see in themselves. I didn’t think about it from the negative side of things. But it makes total sense.
The good news is, you fight it the same way you fight your own self hatred: positive self-affirmation (I’m doing better) and personal forgiveness/empathy (I’m trying/growing). Re-ground your mind when you’re spiraling negatively, and focus on gratitude and empathy. The bad news is… all of that is REALLY HARD 😂🤣
It is! I spent several years in prison, and I took every group I could get into. I even went on to teach several of them. And I really wish that everyone would continue on the journey of self improvement. The skills that I learned, the coping mechanisms I learned, and the ways to reset my world perspective all continue to help me on a daily basis. I find myself repeating key lessons every single day. Feelings are not facts. Reacting – you get what you get, responding – you get what you want. I am the master of my mind, not a victim of my thinking. Stuff like that😁
I’ve gained and lost over and over again throughout my life. I genuinely believe the attitude people are left with at the end of their weight loss journey is dependent on the mindset they begin with. Every time, I hated myself and shamed myself. I internalized the way society treated me and punished myself to lose weight. When I’d be successful with the weight loss, I’d look at and focus on bigger people and feel sad for them or judgmental. I realized that I was becoming the embodiment of the words I’d heard from other people my entire life. However, during my final attempt at weight loss (the only one that’s ever been successful in terms of maintaining the weight) I completely changed my negative thoughts with the help of my therapist. This journey wasn’t about losing weight or being skinny and acceptable. For once in my life I genuinely learned to love myself at every size I am. I can look back at pictures of myself where I am bigger and I still say I’m beautiful bc I was. It’s not about changing myself so that people can finally love me, it’s about taking care of the body that takes care of me. This was revolutionary for me and helped me to address so many negative thought patterns I developed around eating and body image during my childhood. I learned that if I shame and guilt myself into losing weight I’m not solving the root of the problem. I still am left with zero self worth or respect and I end up projecting that unfairly onto other people. I ended up thinner, but my mind was still filled with negative and toxic thoughts. I was still a prisoner to weight someway or another. And every single time, without fail, I’d gain all of the weight back. I needed to reflect inwards and address how unhealthy it is to think this way. Because of this, I am super into body positivity now and I am a strong believer that even if someone desires to change themselves, they should still love themselves regardless of what they look like in the present moment bc the present moment is only temporary. Nobody should be made to feel guilty or ashamed in order to accomplish their goals. We can’t control the way society treats us or the things people say to us, but we have full control over the way we speak to and treat ourselves. I internalized the negative things people told me about my weight and became my own biggest bully that I couldn’t escape from. Never again. When I look at bigger people now, my only priority is treating them with the kindness and respect that I wish people would have given me when I was at my biggest.
Maybe "ignore your new found confidence" could be phrased accurately? It comes across as controlling, because it is. I'm on OP's side on this one. It doesn't change that there were better ways for him to respond than "I think your confidence is a bad thing". If he was so aware, why not ask her or even anticipate regarding hormones? It doesn't all pass muster, it sounds like she settled and he didn't realize he had chosen someone who didn't choose him.
Felt this in my own way.
Can you please give me a link or specific search terms to look up more info on the stuff about hormones stored in fat?
Im going back to the education I received in 2007, but here is a [reddit post that did a deep dive](https://www.reddit.com/r/xxketo/s/XM8CZ1pzcS)
The most obvious thing that probably happened is that guy banged her a couple times and then moved on to the next one. There’s a guy at my gym that’s always doing shit like this. Probably six different women have quit because they don’t want to keep going where he is and more women are happy to be the next one. Whenever you hear a woman ask why men will be such pigs and super pushy trying to get them in bed the answer is that it works. Guys that are gross and pushy and don’t give a shit about people rarely go home alone unless they choose to. Every time you hear a story about something crazy a guy said or did on a tinder first date or asking for a BJ five minutes into the first conversation that is the answer. They do it because it works.
It's like bulk mail. If you don't care who it is who finally goes to bed with you, you can just throw out a huge net and see who it catches. They don't have to care that they offend 90% of the women they talk to so long as the remaining 10% are refreshed frequently.
this mental image is cracking me up
I knew a guy like this and he had absolutely no shame. He would hit on a woman, get turned down, and then hit on her friend who was standing right next to her. Everyone thought was a total ass, but he regularly got what he wanted.
> because it works. Women, IMHO, cannot stand that this is true. Men don't control the market for sex. Women do, and that's why do much effort goes into controlling women's behavior through legal, religious, and other means. Women need to understand that if you want your man to feel special and treat you special, then that's gotta be reciprocated. One example I've experienced, witnessed, and discussed: So it boils down to random dude gets laid, partner's friend's feelings hurt, negative emotions to partner, then partner gets emotional support from you, then the emotional capacity is for the partner's friend, who goes out and starts the cycle again. Notice, no sex, no nothing for the man, because solving the problem isn't our role. We listen and affirm and....? Why am I expected to listen about how some other guy got laid for no effort? I'm not supporting you as my partner. I'm expected to listen when the end function is that the friend is in good enough shape to go out and get hurt again making sure some guy is getting laid? That's why boundaries are important, including being willing to break up if you're not being prioritized having your needs met. If you want sex but the closest you get is drama about someone else having sex. You need to leave the relationship.
Ironically, before she got fit, OP loved her for who she really was. After she got fit, he went through with the divorce, because he saw who she really was.
Yup, classic case of “the person you marry isn’t the person you divorce”. Hopefully OP finds happiness with someone he deserves.
Yup most likely ended up cheating with a guy from the gym, he told her he would be a better man for her, she left hee husband, and then the guy told her “woah I just wanted an easy romp” and then she came back begging for her old safety net. A tale as old as time
Closure is such a fascinating concept. "I did a horrible thing to you and if I don't unload my guilt on you, I won't be able to move on." Well, that really isn't my problem, is it? The moment you did the horrible thing, you eliminated all responsibility on my part from helping you feel less like a piece of crap. You did the thing, you get to enjoy all the benefits, perks, privileges, and consequences of the thing now. Enjoy.
Yeah I think that closure should be for the person that has been betrayed and abandoned. They should be allowed the opportunity to get shit off their chest, it isn't for an abuser to get rid of any guilt. I'm glad that OOP refused to deal with her.
In situations like this, they use the word "closure" to mean "convince you to come back to me." Too bad. So sad. Enjoy the bed you've made.
He’s better off. I would hate to be married to someone who would be willing to give up the life we built together because they have newly built abs. Maybe she always felt like she settled. I hope he finds someone that genuinely cares for him because beauty fades.
The ironic thing is she's probably going to fall back on her diet/ exercise now and gain back the weight she lost. Most people gain 50% of the weight back within 2 years, 80% within 5. If she's depressed over her divorce that probably makes the statistics even worse.
She definitely shagged the dude in the gym who gave her an ego boost, she thought she was worth more so went for it with him, then realised that the chad only wanted to bone her - suddenly she comes crawling back to OOP. Blew her life up for one gym bro who has probably already been inside multiple other married women at the gym. Hope karma finds her.
So sad. She was cheating on him with some guy at the gym but he only wanted her for sex. She found out the hard way. Something similar happened to one of my wife's friends. She had always been the chubby girl with the good personality. She got married, had two kids and was a SAHM. In her thirties she was diagnosed with a spinal condition and needed to lose weight asap. After the gastric bypass she hit the gym hard. She made new friends at the gym. After about a year or so she had the excess skin surgery and a boob job. Shortly thereafter she became a different person. The transformation was staggering. I mean she went from Louie Anderson to Pamela Anderson. She was going out and partying with her gym buddies and leaving her husband at home to watch the kids. Long story short, she texted her husband one night that she was too drunk to drive home (something she had been doing almost every weekend) and was crashing at her female gym buddy's house. He dropped the kids off at his parents' house, went to the friend's house and walked in to find her and her friend having group fun with some guys they picked up at the night club. Yeah, they got divorced.
It don't seems like she regret it
So what happened? Did she regret it Historical-Pie? Did she too learn from the hard way?
Lady gets chubby, loses weight, gets male attention, leaves her husband, then gets used by men for sex. She’s a dummy.
She used to be dummy thicc, until she was no longer thicc :(
>I'll focus on my own hobbies, well-being and wants for now. Smartest man on Reddit
Seriously. He needs to take some time and he realized it. It's so nice to see someone being sensible.
No backsies!
what about some cheeky frontsies?
Looks like someone realized how bad a gym dating pool actually is.
I think this is what is happening to my marriage right now.
If you are in the USA, google the Bar association's lawyer referral program for your county.
When a woman gets a better opportunity she will take it. It’s called hypergamy. Sorry to hear this.
Short and simple. I’m glad the divorce went smoothly. Wishing him the best for his new life
Excuse me "months"? That sounds about enough time for a fling to run its course. Maybe even a pregnancy scare which would explain this drastic turnaround with the crying and begging.
The thing is, she is still the chubby depressed person inside that needs external validation. Some people are able to change their entire life around, some just what's on the inside and other just what's on the outside. She was able to change her exterior, but inside she was still that insecure person that craved external validation. It might be great at the start, but life can get pretty tiring when you're constantly chasing that validation, while living in fear that you may not be enough. Over time, you start to miss the life where even though you may not have been confident in yourself, you were confident that the people in your life love you for you. You simply miss being yourself and having your guard down because you feel safe and comfortable. I've seen this happened to a few people in my life. It's either weight loss, or financial gain that brings change. Sometimes I question if it's really a personality change or are we only now seeing the real personality?
You saying this now makes me think about that old saying about power. Does power truly corrupt? Or is it that people who find themselves in power typically are twisted to start. I think it might be the latter because to get power, you have to want it, and why would you want power?
Power doesn't corrupt, it reveals. The best leaders often aren't those who seek it out but those who have the responsibility thrust upon them.
Tiramisu is anabolic and promotes muscle growth. I have a degree.
Insulin is very anabolic so this is unironically true
The AP dumped her and then she backpedalled. Well for OOP, never take a cheater back.
Sadly, I’ve seen this happen multiple times when I once worked at a gym. The oop was right because he learned from experience and he tried to warn his ex wife. With new body changes you have to also adjust your mind because new experiences and feelings can set us up to go in thinking so positively that you lose sight of a good balance and you’ll believe everything hedonistic is meant for you. You’ll rationalize taking every opportunity because you’re used to a lack of it. Not everything that glitters is gold.
Ugh my ex did this to me. I was / am an athlete and got her into it, she got fit, tried to hook up sith my best friend, hooked up with her ex, got fat again, and tried to get me to take her back. Shes still with her ex last i's heard but that dudes uhh, a piece of work. It is a sign that someone views relationships as commodities, and is a sign of being a really terrible person.
> Shes still with her ex last i's heard but that dudes uhh, a piece of work. >hooked up with her ex, got fat again, and \[her ex\] tried to get me to take her back Sounds like karma has gotten her good. That being said, I'm surprised that her ex who tried to give her back to you is still with her especially if she gain weight again. Guess "Misery Loves Company"
My ex did that too and looking back, I think he saw relationships/women as interchangeable even before his weight loss.
Smooth as a butter, baby.
FAFO - she did the first bits with her new confidence, and then found out its not much fun without someone you love, then realised that bridge has been burnt because she torched it with dynamite.
Tiramisu is so damn good though
Good on you mate. You're absolutely right - she sounds like someone with a bit of low self esteem and when she got more fit and started getting more attention from attractive guys, she thought (like a bunch of other women in these sort of situations) that these guys were willing to get into a relationship with her - when in actuality all the guys just wanted was to hit it and quit it. She probably found out the hard way and then tried going back to you. The problem is that she already fucked up a central tenet of what a relationship - especially a marriage - is which is a partnership that relies on trust to get through both good and bad times. Trust in karma my man. Guys have a much easier time getting into another solid relationship post-divorce, and as long as you build yourself not only physically but with positive, optimistic mental energy, you're going to have a great time.
I lost 85 lbs. Of course I stay with the man who stayed with me when I was fat . I love him.
Yeah the idea that you could find someone "better" than the person who loved you as you were no matter what size is wild to me. But then I've never had someone like that so maybe that's why I get how rare it is to find them.
Unfortunately, you’re in the minority.
She’s got issues. He’s under no obligation to deal with them for her. That is all I will say and all that needs to be said.
I experienced this. I got a partner of mine seriously into the gym and she got the fittests shed ever been. I also shared with her a very very long time passion/hobby of mine. She met someone in the hobby who gaslit her ass into being fuck buddies. So I lost a love and am struggling to not also lose a passion of mine I've had since a small child Shit sucks
My ex fiancé did this to me. I was in shape, she was in okay shape. Relationship got comfortable. I gained a little of weight, she gained ALOT of weight. She changed schools and interned in Florida Disney and dropped ALOT of weight with diet and old school Coca-Cola . She changed so much and she cheated. I was scolded for not getting as skinny as I was working and she was treating me terribly. She tried getting back in touch after failed relationships and gaining weight back. Glad OOP stood his ground.
It's so crazy how you can be with someone, support them through their lowest times, and then once you've helped them build up their confidence they jump ship. People are gross.
Time to get back in the gym lol but no don't get back with her just focus on yourself unless u want this to happen again in a few months...
fuck her bruh dont ever take her back
Sounds like she was having an affair with this other man she was flirting with, once he had what he wanted he dropped her like a ton of bricks. That's when she came running back as she realized she had been used and the grass wasn't greener. Good for OP to stand his ground and go through with the divorce.
I guess either 1) fuckboi didn't want anything but casual poon or 2) she realized she was only getting with fuckbois
This is why I stick to Red Bull, coffee, and cigarettes.
She *definitely* had some guy in her ear telling her how her husband is a loser, and controlling, and doesn't deserve her. She probably regretted it after she realized she became aware of his more unappealing traits (or he slept with her and then ghosted).
OOP is smart to skip her apology tour. The only thing that's going to happen is that he'll end up more hurt as she tells him how often she cheated or whatever. His closure is that he's out of there and the divorce is done. Fortunately no kids, so he can cut her off entirely and move on.
It is amazing just how different society views people, especially women, that have lost weight. I admit that I am part of the problem, there's a women I know that I was polite to but distant only the last time I saw her she had lost around 50 pounds in the past year and looks amazing and yeah I was way more drawn to her. Now imagine being married and all of a sudden you are getting attention you didn't get before. Unless you have a good group of friends/family that will keep you grounded it is very easy to get an inflated sense of ego. There's a BORU in which OOP's then gf gets a boob job and her personality changes entirely and she ends up dumping him.
If it was me, when she asked me for a 1-on-1 talk for “closure” i would just reply “I don’t need to know how many gym rats you whored yourself to or how you got dumped by whatever upgrade you had found to have closure. I got my closure when you showed me the shallow and selfish human being you are. Go back to ridding the carrousel, i settled for your as well and now i want an upgrade.”
She got in shape and screwed every male in the gym and the bars and is now looking for the security and safety that only you would supply for her. Let her continue her trek to her ultimate destination as a bar fly and crack whore.
I hope he found a new gym.
I think she fucked around and found out that the guys that were interested in her weren't interested in relationships. She realized how lonely it would be after none of her flings wanted to be anything but FWB. I can't wait for the update when OOP finally moves on and she's still lonely.
She found out that the grass was greener on the other side of the fence, but it was septic. Good for you OP to not take her back
She got banged and treated like a piece of meat by the one giving attention. She realized it was all for nothing then panicked and tried to run back
Bravo OOP. She was definitely cheating on you. At least emotionally and probably physically, too. Bet she thought she was moving up in the world, and you were just an anchor holding her back. Then came the wake-up call. Did she catch your replacement cheating on her? Get dumped as soon as Mister Right got bored? Finally dropped the Prince Charming act and revealed he was a complete asshole? So tries to treat you like Plan B. But you didn't let her. Bitch made that bed, so she gets to rot in it. Alone. Then goes for a Hail Mary pass by trying to get "closure." When all it really was? An attempt to make herself feel better. Lessen her guilt. Maybe even weasel her way back into your life. But you didn't let her do that either. Showed her that she no longer has any place in your heart. Any place in your life. Made the consequences of her choices clear. Well done, OOP. You deserve better. And she knows it.
she went out and fucked a few guys and realized that’s all they wanted her for and now she comes crying back lol. lmao.
The only one who settled here is you. Take her out like the trash bag she is and find a partner who matches your character. NTA
I hope her parents ripped her a new one
I hope OOP finds peace and enjoys the Tiramisu.
99.9%? You gotta pump those numbers up.
I bet she just puts all the weight back on after she slips back into depression at this point. rekt
Hell no…
Well done OP for focusing on yourself and learning to love your self again. When you are happy in yourself then maybe go paddle in the dating pool.
Never be anyone’s backup plan! Good for you for standing strong!💪
I am betting she had at least an emotional affair. When that didn’t work out the moment of clarity hit her.
Bipolar manic episode after the depression?
Poor bloke. He is better off. She got what she deserved
Sounds like she found out the grass wasn't greener
Even if he entertained getting back with her the trust is gone. Who's to say she won't just jump up and leave for a stupid reason again.
You’d be very foolish to backtrack at this point. Somehow she feels she “lost” or is “losing” and is trying to avoid it. After the divorce you can remain in contact and see how she reacts but, for now, proceed to the divorce.
You’d be very foolish to backtrack at this point. Somehow she feels she “lost” or is “losing” and is trying to avoid it. After the divorce you can remain in contact and see how she reacts but, for now, proceed to the divorce.
Wow. Oop did everything perfectly. He should run some Workshops.
If I were her parent I'd never be able to look at her the same way again. Imagine throwing out years of a good stable life for the temporary thrill of some attention from the gym bros.
Why you write like dumb?
I love how he handled like an intelligent adult. This gentlemen didn't throw a tantrum, refused to compromise on his values and let her dig her hole as her pleases. I think it's important to remember to never lose your sense of identity in a relationship and become codependent on anyone else because people are unpredictable, by all my means love you SO dearly but love yourself first and foremost.
A. ,, 8eW. *3. , * zc
Actually surprised at how common of an ocurrance this issue seems to be, this post is like the first time i've ever read about something like this.
Fuck that hoe. She wanted to fuck all the dudes that wanted to fuck her. No one wants her for more than sex. She finally realized that and wants back to the only dude that loved her. Once again, fuck that hoe
This is why you never trust these hoes
Counter anecdote to all this hating on gym glow ups, my buddy lifelong dealt with depression and stuff. Got hitched to an absolute fucking bitch narcissist. We all told him to not propose, but he did it anyways. None of us were invited to his wedding, she isolated him from his "toxic" friends etc etc. Well like 8 years down the road, he goes on a fitness journey, deals with his depression and anxiety, gets his head above the clouds to breathe a bit and realize we were right. He is married to a walking red flag witch and files for divorce. He attributes his bad decision making with crippling depression/anxiety/childhood trauma and just seeking anything that would give him comfort, even an evil harridan who would jerk him around constantly, like an abused puppy he still sought her attention and approval. It feels good to have our bro back, he's back to the guy we knew in college, tall, outgoing, athletic, and with a newfound sobriety as well as he had turned to drinking in his marriage.