No, because that behavior is not necessarily part of that person’s core behavior. They have been hijacked.
Cheating is an act of betrayal to both the person being cheated on and the cheater. It is a simple blip of dopamine because the cheater could not
manifest the courage to first break up. Cheating demonstrates lack of respect for others’ bodies and our own.
If a person being abused in a relationship with someone with BPD cheats, that is actually who they are. They are that person. Kind of like men that hit women, they’re that type of dude.
At the very least I think people should maintain their commitment to their partner to honor the self. We can live with ourselves if we break up and then pursue whatever it is we choose to pursue afterward.
If the person is hijacked, ok I get it. Cheating was a mistake. But in general I think it’s an exemplary symbol of weakness.
Nope, to me it’s just basic self-respect and dignity. Just because someone acts out like a shit person doesn’t mean you have to lower yourself to that standard: you KNOW that you’re ok. They don’t.
No but I contemplated it. I think when you’re devalued by someone, its not completely out of left field to seek out attention from another source. Of course, doesn’t make it right.
Yeah, my hubby said if I ever cheated he would kill me and the other guy. I'm not the type to cheat anyway, but if I did, it would definitely be gas on the fire.
Meanwhile, my husband has completely forgotten (or is trying to gaslight me) about the woman he started making out with right in front of me (granted he had been drinking, it was many years ago, -- and she was a friend's wife, and she turned out to be a serial cheater).
No, but I found myself enjoying attention and flattery a little too much from a coworker at one point when I felt like I was feeling completely worthless. Was a time when I felt I couldn't do anything right and ex would bring me to tears or keep me awake the night before work with her screaming at me. I realized and took the opportunity to jump to another team that was looking for help. Tbh the coworker helped me get through a tough time in a sense even though I know I shouldn't have welcomed it.
Then when it was all but a forgone conclusion that ex was leaving also had befriended a coworker that had a lot of similar interests. Probably enjoyed having someone to talk to a little too much. was nice having friends and people in my life I didn't have to bend over backwards to like me. I couldn't help but notice she was a fantastic catch but off limits. They unknowingly helped me through a rough time just by helping me realize I didn't have to prove to people I had value. Her and a couple of my good buddies. She was more of a friend, but felt some tension there. Kind of like, if we had met under different circumstances
Yes, I did actually, and I told her about it. It wasn't AS bad as I expected, though I clearly hurt her. Surprisingly, she never accused me of doing it again, which was a relief because I never did. So while I made a terrible decision (100% my fault), she didn't break up with me over it or hang it over my head in the future, which was surprising.
No but was accused by both girls with the disorder.
What's ironic is the one ended up cheating on me and was butthurt I actually left her for it. Started lying saying I beat her and all this nonsense.
I've never cheated on her in the 4 years together but I did give it thought when my suspicions of her kept increasing. It was a blink of an eye thought, tossed out just as quickly.
People are more prone to cheating when they rely on others to manage for them how they feel about themselves
A poor way to go through life, BPD or not.
hey not my best moments but after being accused of cheating so many times and my ex pwBPD blocking friends of the opposite sex (and even my blood relatives) and being abused and systematically imprisoned in a broken relationship against my will, broken down into a shade of my current self, thinking i really only had one viable way out..
i cheated and it provided a temporary escape but it was damaging to both of us and i wish i hadn't. but i didn't have the strength to leave, even though i was corroding away.. there is a lot more to it, including my sexuality being used against me in arguments and then getting an "im sorry" bandaid for it.. plus the weaponization of sex itself; having to engage in performative sex because it's one of the ways my ex pwBPD felt attachment and love. it would be easier to have sex and avoid an outright fight and rage fit, so my ability to choose was gone..
ive gone through a lot to forgive myself for the things i regret doing. some things, i still can't forgive myself for. sex can turn into this incredibly shameful thing. for me, i was not given the ability to say *"hey, i actually don't want to have sex with you right now because we were just screaming at each other and im actually still hurt by the things you said and upset with myself for how i behaved, and i need time alone to process how i feel..."* so i feel like i escaped the only way i could at the time. it was the catalyst of change in the relationship and i do regret the way i went about it.
if i hadn't cheated, i don't think i would've survived that relationship. when it ended, i felt relief. i am ashamed of my actions but now understand who i am capable of being so that i can actively try to not be that person, every day.
take care, everybody.
No. But if you ask her, I did.
She was famous for picking a fight for no reason so she could storm off into the night. She’d meet up with her friends and get drunk and do cocaine and not come home until the next day.
One time, she was gone for two days and nights. She told me she moved on and I should do the same. So, I went out and ran into an old friend. Long story short: we hooked up. And, when she was trying to reconcile with me, I told her we should talk about the people we been banging. She was like whhaaaaaaat? And from that day forward, she brought up my cheating at every opportunity. Called me a cheater on social media and to anyone who would listen.
But, no. I never cheated. But, if you ask her, I sure did.
Nope and never thought about it, didn't stop her from accusing me of wanting to all the time though. I joke that if I got a tenth of the hookups that girl convinced herself I was? I'd need to wear a rubber to pickup pizza.
I had addiction problems. Sex addiction/porn addiction. Led to sexting anonymously. She ran off with my worst enemy and said I deserved it cos I cheated.
Not gonna lie, did contemplate it when she gave me a hall pass (think it was a test of some sort) but anyways, was too much work plus it would have given her more ammo to further paint me black.
Never cheated on her. Technically cheated WITH her……more in the emotional/dirty photos/dirty talk sense since it was long distance…..granted I was in a highly dysfunctional relationship at the time with an addict doing prison time and we had a “hall pass” system so it wasn’t exactly sneaky, but she was definitely also fooling around on her kids’ dad at the time.
I’ll own that I haven’t exactly been white as snow my whole life. I will say that when my pwBPD and I got together I was fully committed and actually thinking “this is my settle-down girl.” Like we’d both cleared 40 and the games were over!
Whoops.
Funny story, she wanted to open the relationship, we got all the books, talked to a coach, advanced in our communication. She gets a lil BF, “by open relationship I mean I have sex w others , not you” my dumbass “okay babe”. Of corse I’m like wait but that looks fun. Lots of her talking me out of exploring, until her bf takes her on a romantic get away, and I’m like yo wtf. she’s like “okay you can play around w someone while im traveling “ I hook up w someone and to her it was cheating. Got out of that business.
I haven't, but after so many devaluations, I found myself looking for some kind of change. There were some women that I really liked and even asked one out for a coffee. I had instant regrets and cut it off ASAP so we didn't even meet. I blame myself every single day. At the time, I was so lethargic and lost in my ex's abuse. Domestic violence. I was even afraid of going home not knowing what would set her up.
I never cheated on my ex pwBPD but I really wanted to.
He’d been cheated on by both of his previous ex girlfriends and I understood why. Being in a relationship with him was the loneliest I had ever felt - he was so emotionally unavailable and unsupportive, but also made me feel like I had to stay. I tried to break up with him 7-9 times before we actually split permanently.
He was really controlling and abusive, and exercised a lot of coercive control that made me stay because I felt pressured and unsafe.
I never cheated on him, but there were times where I wanted to. It actually helped me reconcile with a different ex who cheated on me previously as well - we didn’t get back together but we’re friends/on good terms now.
It was really just rooted in hating my relationship and how he was treating me but also feeling incredibly sorry for him and being unable to leave. I’m glad I left and went no-contact instead but I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider it.
That obviously doesn’t make cheating right, but I wanted an escape and was incredibly devalued by him so wanting to pursue someone who was nice to me and seemed to like me had an appeal lol
Nah, cheating is for pussies imo.
Do you think that people who stay in romantic relationship with pwBPD are also pussies? Not trying to confrontational. Just gathering perspectives
No, because that behavior is not necessarily part of that person’s core behavior. They have been hijacked. Cheating is an act of betrayal to both the person being cheated on and the cheater. It is a simple blip of dopamine because the cheater could not manifest the courage to first break up. Cheating demonstrates lack of respect for others’ bodies and our own. If a person being abused in a relationship with someone with BPD cheats, that is actually who they are. They are that person. Kind of like men that hit women, they’re that type of dude. At the very least I think people should maintain their commitment to their partner to honor the self. We can live with ourselves if we break up and then pursue whatever it is we choose to pursue afterward. If the person is hijacked, ok I get it. Cheating was a mistake. But in general I think it’s an exemplary symbol of weakness.
Thank you for the thought-out response ❤️
This
Nope, to me it’s just basic self-respect and dignity. Just because someone acts out like a shit person doesn’t mean you have to lower yourself to that standard: you KNOW that you’re ok. They don’t.
No but I contemplated it. I think when you’re devalued by someone, its not completely out of left field to seek out attention from another source. Of course, doesn’t make it right.
I have never cheated. I still have not touched anyone else. 15 years.
I haven’t I wouldn’t. Even if I wanted to (which I don’t) I would never do it - talk about pouring gas on fire! Yikes!
Yeah, my hubby said if I ever cheated he would kill me and the other guy. I'm not the type to cheat anyway, but if I did, it would definitely be gas on the fire. Meanwhile, my husband has completely forgotten (or is trying to gaslight me) about the woman he started making out with right in front of me (granted he had been drinking, it was many years ago, -- and she was a friend's wife, and she turned out to be a serial cheater).
No, but I found myself enjoying attention and flattery a little too much from a coworker at one point when I felt like I was feeling completely worthless. Was a time when I felt I couldn't do anything right and ex would bring me to tears or keep me awake the night before work with her screaming at me. I realized and took the opportunity to jump to another team that was looking for help. Tbh the coworker helped me get through a tough time in a sense even though I know I shouldn't have welcomed it. Then when it was all but a forgone conclusion that ex was leaving also had befriended a coworker that had a lot of similar interests. Probably enjoyed having someone to talk to a little too much. was nice having friends and people in my life I didn't have to bend over backwards to like me. I couldn't help but notice she was a fantastic catch but off limits. They unknowingly helped me through a rough time just by helping me realize I didn't have to prove to people I had value. Her and a couple of my good buddies. She was more of a friend, but felt some tension there. Kind of like, if we had met under different circumstances
Yes, I did actually, and I told her about it. It wasn't AS bad as I expected, though I clearly hurt her. Surprisingly, she never accused me of doing it again, which was a relief because I never did. So while I made a terrible decision (100% my fault), she didn't break up with me over it or hang it over my head in the future, which was surprising.
Nope. But he sure did cheat on me.
No but was accused by both girls with the disorder. What's ironic is the one ended up cheating on me and was butthurt I actually left her for it. Started lying saying I beat her and all this nonsense.
Hell nah I’m not a cheater.
I've never cheated on her in the 4 years together but I did give it thought when my suspicions of her kept increasing. It was a blink of an eye thought, tossed out just as quickly.
People are more prone to cheating when they rely on others to manage for them how they feel about themselves A poor way to go through life, BPD or not.
hey not my best moments but after being accused of cheating so many times and my ex pwBPD blocking friends of the opposite sex (and even my blood relatives) and being abused and systematically imprisoned in a broken relationship against my will, broken down into a shade of my current self, thinking i really only had one viable way out.. i cheated and it provided a temporary escape but it was damaging to both of us and i wish i hadn't. but i didn't have the strength to leave, even though i was corroding away.. there is a lot more to it, including my sexuality being used against me in arguments and then getting an "im sorry" bandaid for it.. plus the weaponization of sex itself; having to engage in performative sex because it's one of the ways my ex pwBPD felt attachment and love. it would be easier to have sex and avoid an outright fight and rage fit, so my ability to choose was gone.. ive gone through a lot to forgive myself for the things i regret doing. some things, i still can't forgive myself for. sex can turn into this incredibly shameful thing. for me, i was not given the ability to say *"hey, i actually don't want to have sex with you right now because we were just screaming at each other and im actually still hurt by the things you said and upset with myself for how i behaved, and i need time alone to process how i feel..."* so i feel like i escaped the only way i could at the time. it was the catalyst of change in the relationship and i do regret the way i went about it. if i hadn't cheated, i don't think i would've survived that relationship. when it ended, i felt relief. i am ashamed of my actions but now understand who i am capable of being so that i can actively try to not be that person, every day. take care, everybody.
No. But if you ask her, I did. She was famous for picking a fight for no reason so she could storm off into the night. She’d meet up with her friends and get drunk and do cocaine and not come home until the next day. One time, she was gone for two days and nights. She told me she moved on and I should do the same. So, I went out and ran into an old friend. Long story short: we hooked up. And, when she was trying to reconcile with me, I told her we should talk about the people we been banging. She was like whhaaaaaaat? And from that day forward, she brought up my cheating at every opportunity. Called me a cheater on social media and to anyone who would listen. But, no. I never cheated. But, if you ask her, I sure did.
Nope and never thought about it, didn't stop her from accusing me of wanting to all the time though. I joke that if I got a tenth of the hookups that girl convinced herself I was? I'd need to wear a rubber to pickup pizza.
I had addiction problems. Sex addiction/porn addiction. Led to sexting anonymously. She ran off with my worst enemy and said I deserved it cos I cheated.
Nope. She was my only for over 20 years. Even when I was a little bored, she seemed very pleased and that was enough for me.
Not gonna lie, did contemplate it when she gave me a hall pass (think it was a test of some sort) but anyways, was too much work plus it would have given her more ammo to further paint me black.
Never cheated on her. Technically cheated WITH her……more in the emotional/dirty photos/dirty talk sense since it was long distance…..granted I was in a highly dysfunctional relationship at the time with an addict doing prison time and we had a “hall pass” system so it wasn’t exactly sneaky, but she was definitely also fooling around on her kids’ dad at the time. I’ll own that I haven’t exactly been white as snow my whole life. I will say that when my pwBPD and I got together I was fully committed and actually thinking “this is my settle-down girl.” Like we’d both cleared 40 and the games were over! Whoops.
Funny story, she wanted to open the relationship, we got all the books, talked to a coach, advanced in our communication. She gets a lil BF, “by open relationship I mean I have sex w others , not you” my dumbass “okay babe”. Of corse I’m like wait but that looks fun. Lots of her talking me out of exploring, until her bf takes her on a romantic get away, and I’m like yo wtf. she’s like “okay you can play around w someone while im traveling “ I hook up w someone and to her it was cheating. Got out of that business.
No, but she cheated on my repeatedly. Once or twice a week… always with different dudes
I haven't, but after so many devaluations, I found myself looking for some kind of change. There were some women that I really liked and even asked one out for a coffee. I had instant regrets and cut it off ASAP so we didn't even meet. I blame myself every single day. At the time, I was so lethargic and lost in my ex's abuse. Domestic violence. I was even afraid of going home not knowing what would set her up.
I never cheated on my ex pwBPD but I really wanted to. He’d been cheated on by both of his previous ex girlfriends and I understood why. Being in a relationship with him was the loneliest I had ever felt - he was so emotionally unavailable and unsupportive, but also made me feel like I had to stay. I tried to break up with him 7-9 times before we actually split permanently. He was really controlling and abusive, and exercised a lot of coercive control that made me stay because I felt pressured and unsafe. I never cheated on him, but there were times where I wanted to. It actually helped me reconcile with a different ex who cheated on me previously as well - we didn’t get back together but we’re friends/on good terms now. It was really just rooted in hating my relationship and how he was treating me but also feeling incredibly sorry for him and being unable to leave. I’m glad I left and went no-contact instead but I would be lying if I said I didn’t consider it.
That obviously doesn’t make cheating right, but I wanted an escape and was incredibly devalued by him so wanting to pursue someone who was nice to me and seemed to like me had an appeal lol