#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"I am their cousin"
Great, that makes their actions *totally* ok now! /s
They didn't want you at their wedding but ***demand*** to be in yours, that's still messed up.
And the parents...were they just going to never tell OP?
They're still assholes, now the parents are just BIGGER assholes than before.
> mom then started screaming again about how unfair i am and how she wants all of her kids to be together on that beautiful day
Parents are the biggest AH in all of this, the "siblings" got their wedding the way they wanted and then comes the OOP, who cannot make decision about their own wedding as - Mom wants free food, drinks and celebration with "her kids". OP should go No/Low contact with these people.
She can still have one. With all of her bio kids. As OOP hopefully goes LC or NC with all of them.
Even though the parents were total AHs, the siblings were nearly as bad for treating OOP as "less than" them all.
Right?? I genuinely just do not even get why they decided to make it that way - why lie and cover up the truth about the situation? In doing so all they accomplished was breeding years of secret resentment and emotional distance, and somehow making her origin some dirty shameful thing that needed to be hidden from the light of day. Why?? What would have been so awful about just acknowledging from the start the actual truth of the situation, that her dad passed away and so she went to live with other family members? Such strange and poor decision making by what sound to be world class assholes
I keep imagining her siblings being angry that they don’t get free food and drinks on OOP’s dime. Forget family harmony; they want to partake of the open bar!
I can't believe i had to read so many comments before someone actually called her by her correct title of auntie mum. She's not a mum, a mum would never do that
Yeah the parents allowed this bullshit to happen and only seemed to care when it affected their precious angels. Fuck the whole toxic lot of them. They deserve each other and I agree OOP should cut these tumours out of her life and move on
I really cannot imagine how OOP must feel. Knowing that their dad is actually the man they've *presumably* been raised with as their dead uncle, and that their parents would've never told them had they not insisted. I honestly think that's just horrible in itself, for the parents to deprive them of that knowledge.
This right here. OP has been handed a gift. Sure the wrapping is an absolute mess, but after that is something tremendous. The freedom to no longer waste energy on those who have nothing to give to the relationship.
Agreed. My husband and I adopted our two kids through the foster care system (kids were 13 mo and 2 mo when we got them and adoption went through 1 year later). We decided the adoption would never be a secret. When they were little, we didn’t necessarily tell them but also didn’t keep it a secret. They’d seen pictures of the adoption ceremony even if they didn’t really understand what it was, we were deliberate on our wording of things, etc. When the youngest was in kindergarten, she had a classmate whose mother was pregnant and was talking about it. We were walking into the locker room at the public pool when she asked about when she was in my tummy. I knew that was the moment that I either explained or started lying. I sat them down on the locker room benches and explained everything. The kids are 12 and 13 now. They know I know a bit more about their bio parents than I’ve shared with them but that I will share when they are older. They also know that they are loved unconditionally and could not be loved more if they had been biologically ours. There is absolutely no reason not to share details of an adoption with children. As my husband and I decided from the beginning, if it’s not a secret, it won’t be a problem.
That's the way all adoptive parents **should** handle it. Honesty, leavened with "what the kids can understand at that age." Combined with unconditional love shown through words and actions.
My sister was given up for adoption at birth. She grew up knowing she was adopted.
When she was 30 and about to be married, she started looking for her bio parents. She had health issues and wanted to know more, because she was planning on having kids. She accessed her own records and found that her mother had lied about something.
My sister had been told her heritage was Scottish and Swedish. Our shared father was Ukrainian Canadian. My sister's adoptive mother hated Ukrainians so she lied.
In 2009, when I met my sister, I met her adoptive mother, who was always sweet to me despite being half-Ukrainian. I fixed her TV at our first meeting and she said I was her new daughter.
To me it wouldn't have been bad at all if the whole family treated her like...well, family. Not like something disposable, or a toy you put on a shelf.
OOP should start referring to her "parents" as aunt and uncle. Hard to believe that in over 20 years, no-one in the near or extended family ever even slipped up. Did they expect to take that secret to their grave? But it's really amazing that they expected her to include them in something they went to great lengths to exclude her from. Guess they'll have to get used to being excluded in her future as well.
My guess is that one of the reasons she wasn't invited to any weddings is so she would never meet certain relatives that would have definitely told her
Penguin\_Joy made an excellent point. But, if anything, it makes OOP's "parents" even worse people.
"We deliberately excluded you from every wedding so we could keep lying to you."
Buying sandwiches, and the employee didn’t prep anything and was slow as (and would take breaks in the middle of rush hour) so they often couldn’t eat or had to scarf down the food. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150ilkr/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/
There is, indeed, a cardigan.
Wow! You’re right. I didn’t think of this before but now that you mention it it’s probably why she was never invited. Doesn’t excuse this terrible family though.
That's why I was kept from a huge chunk of my bio fathers family! Cause a bunch of them were against not telling me that I had a *brother*. His mom kept him from the same people for the same reason. Until it fi ally became too much and it all came out anyway cause people were tired of keeping a 20 year secret.
Secrets will *always* out.
If she'd never met/known the people that would have told her, she wouldn't have thought to invite them.
E.g., if she's only really known her extended family on her mom's side growing up, she wouldn't necessarily invite the people on her dad's side who would blab by saying things like, "if only your father was here to see this" or something.
Good point. Though with how her not-parents were demanding that she invite her not-siblings, I could imagine that they'd insist she invite extended family, too, for the free family reunion. Or, maybe someone from her mom's side might blab (whether intentionally or accidentally since I'm pretty sure somebody on mom's side of family is aware that the mom wasn't pregnant with OOP), and non-parents wouldn't care by then since they're having a partay.
Someone I know didn’t find out they were adopted until they were almost 70 - an aunt, in her dementia, finally slipped up. It was devastating for him, particularly as he learned it was a forced adoption (a young unwed woman forced to give up her baby under the draconian practices in my country at the time). His very large family had kept the secret his entire life, long past the point it was possible to find his biological mother or ask his adopted parents about it, who had long since passed.
This sort of thing probably happens more than most people think. A close relative of mine learned in her 50s that her dad wasn't her biological dad, and it turns out a lot of the family knew.
My sister in law said she had an adopted cousin. Everyone knew it and assumed he did as well. No one discussed it because it was old news. Turns out cousin had never been told. His father started talking about meeting his birth mother while on some very strong painkillers. So that was how he found out.
I can see that happen. I never bring up things like that with people, it’s their stuff and they might be uncomfortable so that definitely trumps any curiosity on my side. I’ll listen if you bring it up but I will not be the one opening that! Not my box to open.
They expected to take it to their grave and also use it against her. At least usually when adoption is completely hidden it’s to protect the feelings of the child, even if that’s considered outdated now.
If they really don't know who the bio mom is there may be 2 issues at play.
1. Old fashioned attitude about "bastardy", she was probably the family "shame" before they adopted her.
2. Afraid that her maternal relatives would claim grandparents rights or something along those lines.
You might be surprised (about the ability to keep secrets). I found out when I was 50 that my mother had not one, but 2 children when she was unmarried and in her 20's. Both were given up for adoption. (She married my father in her 30's). Not one of her 7 brothers and sisters or their spouses ever said anything to me, my sister, or their children. I only found out when the daughter of one of those children tracked down an aunt on Facebook.
Yes, they expected to take it to their grave. Think about it, these DNA testing things are still relatively new. So they aren't accounting for that, so in their minds so long as nobody talks, then everything is good and OP would never find out.
My step brother took on responsibility of a baby his wife got pregnant with while on a break. She's 15 and it the worst kept secret in her family. Even her younger cousin knows and she doesn't. It makes me so sick knowing that she's going to find out that she was the longest running secret that she didn't know but everyone else did. Her life and she's not even in charge of who knows because everyone told each other.
Yeah, I struggle with that often. It sucks because while I know her, I am not even remotely in her inner circle to just drop a bomb like that on her. I don't even see her yearly, and we live in different states. I am the epitome of inappropriate choice to tell her.
It sucks that other people can make you carry guilt for something you didn't want to know in the first place.
Honestly? Regardless of who tells her, is gonna be ugly so if you actually feels sorry and is not lip service... just tell her, send a letter, whatever is easier. If you don't even see her yearly is not a relationship that can be burned, cause there's barely one there.
If you're in her place, I'm sure you would want to know.
I have some similar secrets in my family that were kept for decades. The key was the secret including plenty of shame (like hiding a missing bio parent who was a drug addict, sex worker, criminal or all of the above) and avoiding extended family.
Adoption placements within extended families can also get messy where everyone pretends it didn't happen to maintain the idea of family.
"Well, she's not in the family wedding photos, so she isn't family. Well, yeah, we wouldn't let her come to the family even the photos were taken at, but that's because she's not family..."
/s
I don't know about where you live, but in the state where I was born and in the one where I live now, there's a credit card sized version of your birth certificate that you can get that doesn't list your parents on it. So if that's all she had, she'd never have known the difference.
I'd always assumed mine was like that because I'm adopted, but when I thought I'd lost my credit card sized one earlier this year I put in for a replacement and opted for the full sized one (which had my adoptive parents names on it because they did the whole legal process to make that happen). Then when I was talking to my boyfriend about how weird that felt when the only one I'd ever seen was the credit card sized one he agreed and said he's never had his long form one either and he's definitely not adopted.
“ I got upset and screamed that what is not fair, is not participating in any of my siblings weddings. my parents got upset with me and grounded.”
This is the part that killed me. I reading that and imagining no consoling or empathy from the “parents”. Just “how dare you! You’re grounded!!!”
And they just keep moving the cutoff upward- when she was 15 it was 16, when she's 17 it was 18. They weren't subtle, no one wanted her there. & clearly this wasn't the only incident, it was just really emblematic.
What a shit family. Probably felt great about themselves for "saving" her.
Yeah, I totally see it.
"Alan and his wife are in town, let's go out to dinner. OOP? Oh we'd be out too late, best get a babysitter instead."
"Bobbi and her husband are having a baby shower! OOP? Oh I'm sorry it's just coincidentally scheduled when you're at camp! Maybe next time!"
Death by a thousand unkindnesses, the weddings were just the deepest, most obvious cuts.
She wrote in a comment about how her grandparents and a few cousins talked her 'sister' out of having her at the wedding.
What did the grandparents have against her to make them want to ostracize her like that?
I'm betting they're ashamed of the "uncle" (bio dad) for having a child out of wedlock, and they've extended the shame to his child. My aunt and uncle did something similar to one of my cousins. She didn't attend my wedding, and I didn't find out for YEARS that it was because she'd had a baby before marriage, and they were keeping the information from the rest of the family. They told her she could only go to the wedding if she left the baby at home and pretended he didn't exist. She chose her baby, naturally, and eventually they acknowledged the existence of their grandchild. It still bugs me that they spent so long pretending he didn't exist, while projecting this whole image as a loving Christian family.
I am watching that happen right now. My 16YO cousin got pregnant by an 18 year old. The 18 YO parents straight kicked him out immediately(he is living with my cousin's family now). What shit people
Anyone making obvious effort to project certain vibe, certainly ain't. I always say no one would ever talk about how they are breathing, because that's natural. An actual nice person would not make an effort to make others think S/he is nice. A generous person would not make an effort to make others thank s/he is generous. A loving Christian family highly likely others wouldn't even recognize they are a Christian family. If these are naturals there shouldn't be any effort to push the vibe. if there are pushes? Well, you likely just uncover what they are NOT.
My parents were going to take in my cousin (he ended up going to my grandparents), and me and my sister *still* consider him a pseudo-brother and wouldn’t pull something like this. I cant imagine actually having lived with him/had him be part of the family for *23 years* and still not caring about him.
My family fostered my cousin for almost three years when we were little kids, and I still consider her a pseudo sister even though it was more than 30 years ago! These people are AWFUL.
What's the chance they didn't tell her because they have an inheritance or trust they're managing from her bio Dad? If they don't tell her she'll never think of asking.
That might be worth looking into bio dad's will. In reddit fashion, she might find out the that there was a trust, but the parents decided to use to pay everyone else's wedding.
The audacity! This would have been the perfect moment for them all to distance themselves from the "cousin they hated at times". The family's just a bucket of crabs. I hope OOP lives happily ever after.
And then having the cheek to be angry at her for not inviting them when they purposely all excluded her from their own weddings.
All of oop's adopted family are absolutely trash. I can't imagine enabling *ADULT* kids blaming a younger sibling for just existing. Shameful, the lot of them.
The cognitive dissonance is breathtakingly impressive.
We do not like you, you cannot attend our weddings, but HOW DARE YOU EXCLUDE US FROM YOUR WEDDING. We are your family! Wait, you are our orphaned cousin that we hate.
Oh and you eloped, denying us the chance to celebrate your wedding like the big happy family we only pretend to be.
Poor OOP. I think some therapy is in order.
I saw where the mom told OOP "I want all my kids together for it", and all I could think was that she didn't see OOP as her kid. And then I reached the part where OOP said it turned out her parents were her aunt and uncle.
Absolutely awful.
They were never going to tell her. They are going to show their kids to keep treating her badly. And they were going to keep demanding she treat them like her siblings no matter what they did.
Effing shit parents.
Right, but he presumably *knows*. OOP didnt, which was probably a factor- its harder for them to see her as a sister when they are consistently lying to her.
>They're still assholes, now the parents are just BIGGER assholes than before.
Right?
Actions. Consequences.
The chickens finally came home to roost and now the rest of the family will have to deal with that shit.
Classic parents being parents lol, messing up your childhood or important moments but when you decide to draw the line "omg why do you hold grudge against family"
My mother is just like that.
She is rather miffed that I am "holding grudges" against certain family members. Nope, I have decided via empirical evidence that certain consanguineous people are best held at bay via boundaries. Family or not, if they suck, they do not need to be in my life.
Or if you have problems with a sibling or other family member, it's downplayed as you being childish. Even if it's juvenile funny how it doesn't work both ways, like, why are you not wanting to tolerate other people's antics childish, but them behaving like that isn't?
Yep!
I am being childish because I refuse to fall down and worship at my brother's feet while rugsweeping his behavior and words.
I am the oldest and supposed to 'understand how he is'. Oh, I understand all right, I understand that he told me that our relationship would never be the same due to my toxicity, so I am merely obeying his wishes.
Mother told me to grow up and get therapy. Bummer for her is that I was already in therapy, where the therapist is helping me to learn that those 'grudges' she complains I hold are really boundaries. Reframing it that way helped me immensely. Her, not so much. She's in a time-out. Been a year.
yea i dont get it. They treat OOP like they aren't apart of their family (because in their eyes she wasn't) and then they get made when they aren't invited? WTF.
I'll be honest, i'll even give the parents on a pass on the not telling OOP thing. Maybe they thought that would be too tough for a child to understand (though I agree around 18 or something OOP should have been told). But if they really cared about OOP and protecting them, they would have made sure OOP was included in the family and not treated like a second class citizen.
What garbage.
So mum wanted them to be all together for OOP's wedding, but didn't try to get OOP to be able to attend any of the sibling's wedding.
And then the bombshell that she's actually a cousin and no-one told her, and that still doesn't make it right.
I think going for the elopement with their close friends and no family, was the perfect answer to how the family treated them over the years, especially the parents.
OOP didn't say anything about how she was treated by the 'parents' but you get the feeling she wasn't loved as much as the other kids.
Having a wedding just to spite people is silly and expensive. Weddings are about the couple, so they chose the right thing for themselves by eloping.
If both people value being petty than a spite wedding is great, I guess?
Satisfying for us drama fiends I admit. But for OOP what they did was probably for the best. It's an incredibly mature decision. Clearly their family didn't value them, and they stopped bothering with things that their family valued and focused on themselves and their partner. That's far more important. No need for these callous assholes to live rent free in OOPs head.
And the knowledge that they don't matter will bite at them regardless of whether OOP had done a big wedding or not.
She wanted “all of her kids to be together”.
They were for their weddings while OP stayed home.
If she invited them all of “her kids” would be there as guests.
Mom told on herself.
Not only did the mom not encourage the siblings to invite OP it sounds like she actively *discouraged* one of them - since one of them wasn’t initially planning a child free wedding.
The grandparents and some cousins also pushed the sister to have a child free wedding.
It seems like the entire family, not just the immediate ones were against her.
Because “mom” did such a charitable thing raising an orphan that the child owes them that, her bio children don’t owe her that. “Mom and dad” might have been trying their best raising all the children equally but in an emotional level, there was always a difference
These are clearly the "But were family!" Type of people. Which we all know actually believe "We're family when that benefits me and we're not family when that benefits me more!"
"I wanted us all to be there!"
"I had a no 'lying sacks of crap family that excluded me for 10 years because they didn't care about me' wedding. Sorry, you didn't make the cut."
Can you even IMAGINE the hoops her parents were jumping through in their brain to reconcile not telling her the truth while her "siblings" all treated her like shit? "No, we can't tell her the truth, it might make things weird, unlike now, where they all actively despise her."
So ridiculous.
We care so much about the well being of this child that we will take them in and raise them as our own, and also let our other children exclude them to the point of abuse.
Unfortunately that's can happen when there's an age gap -- even with full siblings. Happens more often with an age gap and half-siblings.
If you're on BORU, you must have seen that.
I think there’s a difference between children naturally being less connected due to differences in age/maturity and what is happening here. As OP describes it, it feels more like willful alienation due to jealousy and tacit support of that by the parents.
I have to wonder, how can you not notice that your "siblings" have baby photos from birth, and you are missing months? You want to tell me that they somehow excused not having a camera in the year 2000?
It sounds like she was too young to remember her father. I would imagine she has baby photos too. I have tons of baby photos of my nieces and nephews, including many of me holding them.
My heart breaks for OOP. It hurts so much to realize that the people you see as family only saw you as a burden. But also, just so much rage at the audacity to demand family privileges when it suits them. I wish OOP all the best in building the family she never had.
So they didn't invite oop to their wedding because oop wasn't their blood sibling and they wanted distance...
... but instead of being relieved oop didn't try to get them to oops wedding, they get mad they aren't invited?
I'm sure they also see it as a slight. See its okay for them to exclude her because she's their cousin. However she can't exclude them because she should be grateful they allowed her to grow up with them. /s
Yeah, this is preposterous... They should've been glad for not being invited right? "We don't like you so we cheer the fact that we don't have to go through this ordeal of being at your wedding?" ????????
They got mad that they were not invited because it would make them look bad to the rest of the family. They do not care about the wedding they care about keeping IP appearances.
so, let me get this straight, they basically adopt OP but don't tell her she's not bio child, then essentially proceed to treat her as not-bio-child, and then are surprise pikachu when she returns the favour?
Poor OOP. Not only did her family keep the truth from her, but also her parents still complained about a lack of a “big wedding” from her and her (now) husband. She is still the family’s scapegoat. At least now, OOP has some explanation and some answers to her treatment within her “family.”
Adoptive parents/sibling-cousins: Y U ELOPE??? Y U NO INVITE US???
OOP: Now you know what it feels like to not be invited to anything.
Eh, I'm feeling petty for OOP.
I hope OOP goes even more petty than that and be like "I didn't tell you about my baby til months later after birth because you're just my uncle and aunt plus I'm not close to those cousins to tell them anything important about me."
I’m sad they eloped and OOP didn’t get to be petty and not invite her ‘family’. OOP is a far better person than I am.
I hope she has some really good in-laws, she deserves them.
Considering OOP didn't spend any money on them as well didn't invite them due elopement while they spent no cent for a seat, meal nor soda on OOP for their respective weddings on of top going without her while they all went - I think you not realizing how petty OOP is by using their hypocrisy & entitlements against both parents & siblings. It's not Hall of Fame level, but it is super grand petty revenge that was a long time coming...
I thought it weird that the siblings/cousins kept upping the minimum age of attendance so OOP was JUST outside the minimum. Now I understand why. And their parents/aunt &uncle are absolute assholes for expecting OOP to invite them when they didn't to the same for her
it's really weird considering that a "child free" wedding usually means other people's kids, not their actual family members, much less their direct sibling*
*of course the reveal shows otherwise
as the child who was not wanted (my Mum tells that story all the time... in front of me) it does make a difference. No matter how subtle people think they are the treatment gets through to you and as a child the confusion is immense
I am so sorry.
My father let me know that the day I was born, he cried when told I was a girl because he wanted a son. I was around five.
I never got over it, almost over-corrected until my husband asked me if I really thought I could never love a son.
My father got his son and I saw what happened when a child was loved and wanted. I basically have no relationship with my father, have not for decades. Bless his heart, he just cannot understand why.
Ah so the Rules for Thee but Not for Me--- mixed in We're family .
This is the most entitled bastards I ever read. And genuinely sad that OOP was hated for not being their sibling--- despite being family by blood.
Screw them--- they don't even deserve to share the same.gene pool as OP
Fuck this family. Glad OOP did the marriage of her dreams and that her "parents" (how can you call yourself parents when you let your older people act like that?) were mad. Stay mad!
IF this is real, they definitely know. I get not knowing who someone’s dad is if the mom never put it on the birth certificate, but her mom’s name is definitely on hers.
They are just mad they didn’t get their free family reunion, with free drinks and food on OOPs dime.
OOP did what was best for them. Good on them for not caving and saving the cash.
I doubt it was free food and drinks, but probably irreplaceable family pictures. The parents couldn't pretend to have raised op as a part of the family if there are no wedding pictures to post.
What a trashbag fucking family. Imagine taking in your sibling's child, never telling them about their real biological parents, and letting your children treat them like shit.
The thing that's so frustrating about this is that for 17 years she was a part of their family and they treated her like a stranger.
Yea, the oldest cousin had only a few years before adult responsibilities and college and stuff happened, but still - she was there, in their family. They were so resentful of her existence they didn't even try to consider her important.
And her aunt and uncle are complete dickheads to see this kind of treatment and not shut it down.
I'm trying to become a foster parent (there's so much paperwork ;w; I have so much work to do before) and even though the foster kids won't be officially part of my family I'm going to treat them like they're a part of my family - even if they're there only for a couple weeks.
Everyone in this family is a piece of shit and OOP would be much better off without them in her life!!
Also, I bet the only reason why they wanted to attend was because "what will people say if we don't?"
How fucking pathetic of everyone involved here aside from OOP.
They were adults, excluding someone that thought they were a sibling, then expecting to be included themsleves?
They're terrible people. Not to even mention the parents. God awful.
>they do not know who my mother is.
Whut? How? Was the name of the woman who birthed OOP not on the birth certificate? Did the family just take in this little girl without informing the authorities? Did the authorities just not look for her next of kin when her dad died? Surely, she can't be living without a social security number all this time because she just got married. How does this happen?
I mean her dad knew and didn’t tell.
A name, unless it’s super unique, narrows it down to a few thousand people. If it’s something like “Jessica Smith” then even more. They’re not going to subpoena the medical records of every person with that name at the right hospital to find out if they had a kid on the right day.
If someone knew how OP’s parents met, or what school mom went to, or her home town, then they’d have something to go off, but a name is really vague.
When I think of child-free weddings, I would never consider that siblings (or people thought of as siblings in this case) would be included. I always imagined it applied to your third cousin's needy toddler or your co-workers 16 year old that might try to drink.
And OOP doesn’t have access to her own birth certificate as an adult. And her “parents” never had access to it either to read OOP’s mom’s name. And none of the older kids who didn’t like OOP ever got annoyed enough to drop the “you’re adopted” bombshell on her, even though they are all mean enough to exclude her from their weddings.
The author reached too far with the twist update. They had a good “mean older family members” story going, but they threw it all away.
You're barking up the wrong tree with the birth certificate, part of a legal adoption is replacing the birth certificate. Birth parent names are replaced by adoptive parents. Original may be impossible to get depending on the state.
Look, I get wanting a child free wedding, but by the time a kid is about 10 or so, they aren't exhibiting a lot of the behaviors a young child does (and nothing against young children, that's how they are.) I'm honestly a little gobsmacked that even at 15 and 17, OOP STILL wasn't invited. I think at that point they just didn't like her
There's also a difference between a "direct" sibling like OOP and your friends kid. One actually cares about the people involved and the ceremony while the other is just there because their parent is.
I can't imagine this.
I had a child free wedding many years ago (late at night, loud music, plenty of alcohol), but made an exception for an 8 year old cousin because otherwise he would have been the only one excluded from the family. Plus, I saw him often enough that I considered him close family.
Exceptions are made for close family you want to keep a relationship with.
They didn’t want her there to make sure she knew she was beneath them in the hierarchy. As she was beneath them of course she should be honoured by their presence at hers. Collective solipsism.
They invited their step cousin but refused to invite the cousin who was raised as their sibling. The parents allowed them to exclude OP. They and the parents are mad they're not invited to OP's wedding. What a bunch if assholes
Wow. What jerks. It’s like they all wanted to preserve one nice event where they could pretend OP didn’t actually exist, like stepmoms with their holiday pics that only cover their own children.
Happened in my family but they had a full adoption after a death and really wanted the child. My great aunt died when her child was a baby and at time the family was worried about how the father would raise the child while living overseas alone and encouraged him to marry the aunt’s younger sister to take care of the baby. For some reason, they opted not to tell that child this history. He had three siblings (bio cousins I guess) and didn’t know that mom was biologically his maternal aunt until he was a teenager. His mom and dad wouldn’t let him go to some show or concert and while venting to a cousin, the guy responded that it was probably because he wasn’t really her kid. It was an incredibly painful time for everyone as they all had to process it on the fly and him in anger and hurting badly. She genuinely loved him by the way, as did his siblings (not cousins in anything but a bio sense!). they are very close and once the dust settled the relationship was so repaired that my generation didn’t even know until we were adults and the story was shared as cautionary about not lying about big things to your kids because truth comes out and it can hurt people.
This sticks out to me:
>they said that the weddings had alcohol so they didn't want any young impressionable kids there.
Well, I would say they failed then. Cause it certainly made an impression on one kid.
But you know, there is something else.
My kids can't legaly take the first sip till 21. Somehow I have to teach them to drink responsibly without actually letting them drink....
You do that by example. You show the kids when you can have a couple of drinks and when you can't. You go to a wedding, you arrange for a DD and you do not let them miss the connection between your behavior and the DD.
I can never wrap my head around this sort of behaviour among family. We took in my partner's half-sister at 13yo, she's not my child or related to me but she is family. We are getting married next year and I want her to be a junior bridesmaid because of course she deserves to be a part of our day! I don't get why people are so awful 😞
This is so sad and messed up. That entire family fucking sucks but I'm glad it seems OP has cut them all off. She doesn't need them when she has her own, new family that truly loves her.
The audacity. They wanted a free party and free food. You r like a doormat to them.
This story reminded me the entitlement of my sister and family. They didn't like my husband and approved. So she said it won't be legally marriage. Ok😂. Then she said they will accept me if I invite almost 200 people ( who attended my entitle aunt's daughter wedding) . I told her she can dream about it. I m not spending a single dime for them. They will treat u like shit but act like they are entitle of everything. Even relation with your kids. 😂
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
"I am their cousin" Great, that makes their actions *totally* ok now! /s They didn't want you at their wedding but ***demand*** to be in yours, that's still messed up. And the parents...were they just going to never tell OP? They're still assholes, now the parents are just BIGGER assholes than before.
> mom then started screaming again about how unfair i am and how she wants all of her kids to be together on that beautiful day Parents are the biggest AH in all of this, the "siblings" got their wedding the way they wanted and then comes the OOP, who cannot make decision about their own wedding as - Mom wants free food, drinks and celebration with "her kids". OP should go No/Low contact with these people.
It sounds like the mom got what she wanted: all of her kids were together on their beautiful wedding days. What is she bitching about now?
She wanted another party with all her bio kids.
She can still have one. With all of her bio kids. As OOP hopefully goes LC or NC with all of them. Even though the parents were total AHs, the siblings were nearly as bad for treating OOP as "less than" them all.
[удалено]
Right?? I genuinely just do not even get why they decided to make it that way - why lie and cover up the truth about the situation? In doing so all they accomplished was breeding years of secret resentment and emotional distance, and somehow making her origin some dirty shameful thing that needed to be hidden from the light of day. Why?? What would have been so awful about just acknowledging from the start the actual truth of the situation, that her dad passed away and so she went to live with other family members? Such strange and poor decision making by what sound to be world class assholes
I keep imagining her siblings being angry that they don’t get free food and drinks on OOP’s dime. Forget family harmony; they want to partake of the open bar!
This whole family sucks except OP. Her siblings are awful and their parents allowed them to treat her as less than.
Sounds like the “mom” has anger management issues too.
Well Auntie Mom got more than she bargained for.
I can't believe i had to read so many comments before someone actually called her by her correct title of auntie mum. She's not a mum, a mum would never do that
She never did do that. She was the perfect mother to her own kids. It's just this other one that she did it to
Yeah the parents allowed this bullshit to happen and only seemed to care when it affected their precious angels. Fuck the whole toxic lot of them. They deserve each other and I agree OOP should cut these tumours out of her life and move on
Makes me glad that her guardians aren't her real parents. Their genes won't contaminate her bloodline.
I really cannot imagine how OOP must feel. Knowing that their dad is actually the man they've *presumably* been raised with as their dead uncle, and that their parents would've never told them had they not insisted. I honestly think that's just horrible in itself, for the parents to deprive them of that knowledge.
Hopefully she feels more liberated at this point and knows she doesn't owe them shit anymore. Fuck off to that awful family
This right here. OP has been handed a gift. Sure the wrapping is an absolute mess, but after that is something tremendous. The freedom to no longer waste energy on those who have nothing to give to the relationship.
She didn’t owe them shit to begin with
Agreed. My husband and I adopted our two kids through the foster care system (kids were 13 mo and 2 mo when we got them and adoption went through 1 year later). We decided the adoption would never be a secret. When they were little, we didn’t necessarily tell them but also didn’t keep it a secret. They’d seen pictures of the adoption ceremony even if they didn’t really understand what it was, we were deliberate on our wording of things, etc. When the youngest was in kindergarten, she had a classmate whose mother was pregnant and was talking about it. We were walking into the locker room at the public pool when she asked about when she was in my tummy. I knew that was the moment that I either explained or started lying. I sat them down on the locker room benches and explained everything. The kids are 12 and 13 now. They know I know a bit more about their bio parents than I’ve shared with them but that I will share when they are older. They also know that they are loved unconditionally and could not be loved more if they had been biologically ours. There is absolutely no reason not to share details of an adoption with children. As my husband and I decided from the beginning, if it’s not a secret, it won’t be a problem.
That's the way all adoptive parents **should** handle it. Honesty, leavened with "what the kids can understand at that age." Combined with unconditional love shown through words and actions.
My sister was given up for adoption at birth. She grew up knowing she was adopted. When she was 30 and about to be married, she started looking for her bio parents. She had health issues and wanted to know more, because she was planning on having kids. She accessed her own records and found that her mother had lied about something. My sister had been told her heritage was Scottish and Swedish. Our shared father was Ukrainian Canadian. My sister's adoptive mother hated Ukrainians so she lied. In 2009, when I met my sister, I met her adoptive mother, who was always sweet to me despite being half-Ukrainian. I fixed her TV at our first meeting and she said I was her new daughter.
[удалено]
[удалено]
To me it wouldn't have been bad at all if the whole family treated her like...well, family. Not like something disposable, or a toy you put on a shelf.
OOP should start referring to her "parents" as aunt and uncle. Hard to believe that in over 20 years, no-one in the near or extended family ever even slipped up. Did they expect to take that secret to their grave? But it's really amazing that they expected her to include them in something they went to great lengths to exclude her from. Guess they'll have to get used to being excluded in her future as well.
My guess is that one of the reasons she wasn't invited to any weddings is so she would never meet certain relatives that would have definitely told her
Oh that's a really good point!!
Penguin\_Joy made an excellent point. But, if anything, it makes OOP's "parents" even worse people. "We deliberately excluded you from every wedding so we could keep lying to you."
It's such a weird lie too. Its not a shameful secret. They almost have to look good by teliing her. I wonder if they stole her inheritance.
I can't imagine they don't know who her mom was??? Something major must have gone down to keep that information secret
Haven’t seen that flair before. Where’s it from
[Here it is!](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150ilkr/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/)
That was fantastic — my Monday morning is complete.
"But, one global pandemic later, it seems to have worked out." Every cloud...! 😄
Thank you. That woman is very, very funny.
...and where is your flair from?
OK, where is your flair from??
No, no, we should be asking you that!
Oh I can almost remember that one! There was a lady who was maybe buying coffee? Or cheese? I think a cardigan was involved…
I love that i can see the first half of that flair and *immediately* my brain goes ‘I will emerge, feral, from her cardigan-‘ lmao
Same! That cardigan line is one of the funniest things I’ve ever read on Reddit.
Buying sandwiches, and the employee didn’t prep anything and was slow as (and would take breaks in the middle of rush hour) so they often couldn’t eat or had to scarf down the food. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/150ilkr/wibta_if_i_complained_to_the_owners_of_a_cafe/ There is, indeed, a cardigan.
Thanks! ADHD memory means I retain weird details sometimes.
I think something about being feral too…
Wow! You’re right. I didn’t think of this before but now that you mention it it’s probably why she was never invited. Doesn’t excuse this terrible family though.
That's why I was kept from a huge chunk of my bio fathers family! Cause a bunch of them were against not telling me that I had a *brother*. His mom kept him from the same people for the same reason. Until it fi ally became too much and it all came out anyway cause people were tired of keeping a 20 year secret. Secrets will *always* out.
What do you want to bet there were kids there just not OOP?
So they were going to chance her finding out and her own wedding? Lovely people.
If she'd never met/known the people that would have told her, she wouldn't have thought to invite them. E.g., if she's only really known her extended family on her mom's side growing up, she wouldn't necessarily invite the people on her dad's side who would blab by saying things like, "if only your father was here to see this" or something.
Good point. Though with how her not-parents were demanding that she invite her not-siblings, I could imagine that they'd insist she invite extended family, too, for the free family reunion. Or, maybe someone from her mom's side might blab (whether intentionally or accidentally since I'm pretty sure somebody on mom's side of family is aware that the mom wasn't pregnant with OOP), and non-parents wouldn't care by then since they're having a partay.
Someone I know didn’t find out they were adopted until they were almost 70 - an aunt, in her dementia, finally slipped up. It was devastating for him, particularly as he learned it was a forced adoption (a young unwed woman forced to give up her baby under the draconian practices in my country at the time). His very large family had kept the secret his entire life, long past the point it was possible to find his biological mother or ask his adopted parents about it, who had long since passed.
That’s sad
This sort of thing probably happens more than most people think. A close relative of mine learned in her 50s that her dad wasn't her biological dad, and it turns out a lot of the family knew.
My sister in law said she had an adopted cousin. Everyone knew it and assumed he did as well. No one discussed it because it was old news. Turns out cousin had never been told. His father started talking about meeting his birth mother while on some very strong painkillers. So that was how he found out.
I can see that happen. I never bring up things like that with people, it’s their stuff and they might be uncomfortable so that definitely trumps any curiosity on my side. I’ll listen if you bring it up but I will not be the one opening that! Not my box to open.
[удалено]
And I thought learning my grandfather remarried and I had two aunts younger than me was messed up.
They expected to take it to their grave and also use it against her. At least usually when adoption is completely hidden it’s to protect the feelings of the child, even if that’s considered outdated now.
Yep. They had so little respect for her they couldn't even be honest about anything her whole life.
If they really don't know who the bio mom is there may be 2 issues at play. 1. Old fashioned attitude about "bastardy", she was probably the family "shame" before they adopted her. 2. Afraid that her maternal relatives would claim grandparents rights or something along those lines.
You might be surprised (about the ability to keep secrets). I found out when I was 50 that my mother had not one, but 2 children when she was unmarried and in her 20's. Both were given up for adoption. (She married my father in her 30's). Not one of her 7 brothers and sisters or their spouses ever said anything to me, my sister, or their children. I only found out when the daughter of one of those children tracked down an aunt on Facebook.
And there's the answer for you. One of 8. A certain religion comes to mind.
Catholic. My grandmother actually got pregnant 10 times, but 2 were stillborn.
Yes, they expected to take it to their grave. Think about it, these DNA testing things are still relatively new. So they aren't accounting for that, so in their minds so long as nobody talks, then everything is good and OP would never find out.
My step brother took on responsibility of a baby his wife got pregnant with while on a break. She's 15 and it the worst kept secret in her family. Even her younger cousin knows and she doesn't. It makes me so sick knowing that she's going to find out that she was the longest running secret that she didn't know but everyone else did. Her life and she's not even in charge of who knows because everyone told each other.
You're now one of the people who never told her.
Yeah, I struggle with that often. It sucks because while I know her, I am not even remotely in her inner circle to just drop a bomb like that on her. I don't even see her yearly, and we live in different states. I am the epitome of inappropriate choice to tell her. It sucks that other people can make you carry guilt for something you didn't want to know in the first place.
Honestly? Regardless of who tells her, is gonna be ugly so if you actually feels sorry and is not lip service... just tell her, send a letter, whatever is easier. If you don't even see her yearly is not a relationship that can be burned, cause there's barely one there. If you're in her place, I'm sure you would want to know.
I have some similar secrets in my family that were kept for decades. The key was the secret including plenty of shame (like hiding a missing bio parent who was a drug addict, sex worker, criminal or all of the above) and avoiding extended family. Adoption placements within extended families can also get messy where everyone pretends it didn't happen to maintain the idea of family.
[удалено]
"Well, she's not in the family wedding photos, so she isn't family. Well, yeah, we wouldn't let her come to the family even the photos were taken at, but that's because she's not family..." /s
I'm confused about that because even if they took her in, you wouldn't get a new birth certificate?
I don't know about where you live, but in the state where I was born and in the one where I live now, there's a credit card sized version of your birth certificate that you can get that doesn't list your parents on it. So if that's all she had, she'd never have known the difference.
Oh, I didn't know about that.
I'd always assumed mine was like that because I'm adopted, but when I thought I'd lost my credit card sized one earlier this year I put in for a replacement and opted for the full sized one (which had my adoptive parents names on it because they did the whole legal process to make that happen). Then when I was talking to my boyfriend about how weird that felt when the only one I'd ever seen was the credit card sized one he agreed and said he's never had his long form one either and he's definitely not adopted.
“ I got upset and screamed that what is not fair, is not participating in any of my siblings weddings. my parents got upset with me and grounded.” This is the part that killed me. I reading that and imagining no consoling or empathy from the “parents”. Just “how dare you! You’re grounded!!!”
And they just keep moving the cutoff upward- when she was 15 it was 16, when she's 17 it was 18. They weren't subtle, no one wanted her there. & clearly this wasn't the only incident, it was just really emblematic. What a shit family. Probably felt great about themselves for "saving" her.
Yeah, I totally see it. "Alan and his wife are in town, let's go out to dinner. OOP? Oh we'd be out too late, best get a babysitter instead." "Bobbi and her husband are having a baby shower! OOP? Oh I'm sorry it's just coincidentally scheduled when you're at camp! Maybe next time!" Death by a thousand unkindnesses, the weddings were just the deepest, most obvious cuts.
She wrote in a comment about how her grandparents and a few cousins talked her 'sister' out of having her at the wedding. What did the grandparents have against her to make them want to ostracize her like that?
I'm betting they're ashamed of the "uncle" (bio dad) for having a child out of wedlock, and they've extended the shame to his child. My aunt and uncle did something similar to one of my cousins. She didn't attend my wedding, and I didn't find out for YEARS that it was because she'd had a baby before marriage, and they were keeping the information from the rest of the family. They told her she could only go to the wedding if she left the baby at home and pretended he didn't exist. She chose her baby, naturally, and eventually they acknowledged the existence of their grandchild. It still bugs me that they spent so long pretending he didn't exist, while projecting this whole image as a loving Christian family.
That makes sense. Only a horrible family would do something like that.
I am watching that happen right now. My 16YO cousin got pregnant by an 18 year old. The 18 YO parents straight kicked him out immediately(he is living with my cousin's family now). What shit people
There’s is no hate stronger than “Christian love”.
Anyone making obvious effort to project certain vibe, certainly ain't. I always say no one would ever talk about how they are breathing, because that's natural. An actual nice person would not make an effort to make others think S/he is nice. A generous person would not make an effort to make others thank s/he is generous. A loving Christian family highly likely others wouldn't even recognize they are a Christian family. If these are naturals there shouldn't be any effort to push the vibe. if there are pushes? Well, you likely just uncover what they are NOT.
My parents were going to take in my cousin (he ended up going to my grandparents), and me and my sister *still* consider him a pseudo-brother and wouldn’t pull something like this. I cant imagine actually having lived with him/had him be part of the family for *23 years* and still not caring about him.
My family fostered my cousin for almost three years when we were little kids, and I still consider her a pseudo sister even though it was more than 30 years ago! These people are AWFUL.
What's the chance they didn't tell her because they have an inheritance or trust they're managing from her bio Dad? If they don't tell her she'll never think of asking.
That might be worth looking into bio dad's will. In reddit fashion, she might find out the that there was a trust, but the parents decided to use to pay everyone else's wedding.
The audacity! This would have been the perfect moment for them all to distance themselves from the "cousin they hated at times". The family's just a bucket of crabs. I hope OOP lives happily ever after.
That’s exactly how I feel about them too. What a horrible family, by hating OOP for simply existing.
I understand kids getting resentful of a 'new' sibling. I don't understand keeping that resentment for the next 20 years.
And then having the cheek to be angry at her for not inviting them when they purposely all excluded her from their own weddings. All of oop's adopted family are absolutely trash. I can't imagine enabling *ADULT* kids blaming a younger sibling for just existing. Shameful, the lot of them.
And the parents supporting it.
The cognitive dissonance is breathtakingly impressive. We do not like you, you cannot attend our weddings, but HOW DARE YOU EXCLUDE US FROM YOUR WEDDING. We are your family! Wait, you are our orphaned cousin that we hate. Oh and you eloped, denying us the chance to celebrate your wedding like the big happy family we only pretend to be. Poor OOP. I think some therapy is in order.
This isn’t even like a dad’s love child situation. What is their actual issue with a live-in cousin turned sibling? So weird!
Yeah I don’t get it. Why does it matter that they were adopted?
I saw where the mom told OOP "I want all my kids together for it", and all I could think was that she didn't see OOP as her kid. And then I reached the part where OOP said it turned out her parents were her aunt and uncle. Absolutely awful.
They were never going to tell her. They are going to show their kids to keep treating her badly. And they were going to keep demanding she treat them like her siblings no matter what they did. Effing shit parents.
My parents took in my cousin when he was a teenager, and we all call him our brother. OOPs family just sucks.
Right, but he presumably *knows*. OOP didnt, which was probably a factor- its harder for them to see her as a sister when they are consistently lying to her.
Well said 👍
Those kids absolutely took their cues as to how to treat OOP from their parents. I hold them most responsible of all here.
>They're still assholes, now the parents are just BIGGER assholes than before. Right? Actions. Consequences. The chickens finally came home to roost and now the rest of the family will have to deal with that shit.
I'm glad oop eloped. It's so much easier to focus on being happy when you cut out the drama and bullshit.
Classic parents being parents lol, messing up your childhood or important moments but when you decide to draw the line "omg why do you hold grudge against family"
My mother is just like that. She is rather miffed that I am "holding grudges" against certain family members. Nope, I have decided via empirical evidence that certain consanguineous people are best held at bay via boundaries. Family or not, if they suck, they do not need to be in my life.
Or if you have problems with a sibling or other family member, it's downplayed as you being childish. Even if it's juvenile funny how it doesn't work both ways, like, why are you not wanting to tolerate other people's antics childish, but them behaving like that isn't?
Yep! I am being childish because I refuse to fall down and worship at my brother's feet while rugsweeping his behavior and words. I am the oldest and supposed to 'understand how he is'. Oh, I understand all right, I understand that he told me that our relationship would never be the same due to my toxicity, so I am merely obeying his wishes. Mother told me to grow up and get therapy. Bummer for her is that I was already in therapy, where the therapist is helping me to learn that those 'grudges' she complains I hold are really boundaries. Reframing it that way helped me immensely. Her, not so much. She's in a time-out. Been a year.
yea i dont get it. They treat OOP like they aren't apart of their family (because in their eyes she wasn't) and then they get made when they aren't invited? WTF. I'll be honest, i'll even give the parents on a pass on the not telling OOP thing. Maybe they thought that would be too tough for a child to understand (though I agree around 18 or something OOP should have been told). But if they really cared about OOP and protecting them, they would have made sure OOP was included in the family and not treated like a second class citizen. What garbage.
So mum wanted them to be all together for OOP's wedding, but didn't try to get OOP to be able to attend any of the sibling's wedding. And then the bombshell that she's actually a cousin and no-one told her, and that still doesn't make it right. I think going for the elopement with their close friends and no family, was the perfect answer to how the family treated them over the years, especially the parents. OOP didn't say anything about how she was treated by the 'parents' but you get the feeling she wasn't loved as much as the other kids.
[удалено]
Cue the post in a couple of years about how the cousins want to reconcile when there are kids in the way.
Because they want a free baby sitter. And as a special bonus, she gets to be a Godparent so they can guilt her into baby sitting as a full time job!
They probably already have kids since first wedding was 13 years ago.
Those bridges might be burned now.
Or someone needs a kidney
Good news is that as a cousin, she shares even less DNA with them!
Having a wedding just to spite people is silly and expensive. Weddings are about the couple, so they chose the right thing for themselves by eloping. If both people value being petty than a spite wedding is great, I guess?
Satisfying for us drama fiends I admit. But for OOP what they did was probably for the best. It's an incredibly mature decision. Clearly their family didn't value them, and they stopped bothering with things that their family valued and focused on themselves and their partner. That's far more important. No need for these callous assholes to live rent free in OOPs head. And the knowledge that they don't matter will bite at them regardless of whether OOP had done a big wedding or not.
She wanted “all of her kids to be together”. They were for their weddings while OP stayed home. If she invited them all of “her kids” would be there as guests. Mom told on herself.
Not only did the mom not encourage the siblings to invite OP it sounds like she actively *discouraged* one of them - since one of them wasn’t initially planning a child free wedding.
Feels like OOP was like a second class member of the family.
The grandparents and some cousins also pushed the sister to have a child free wedding. It seems like the entire family, not just the immediate ones were against her.
Dude she got grounded for being upset that she was excluded from her “siblings” weddings. That’s really fucked up to me
Because “mom” did such a charitable thing raising an orphan that the child owes them that, her bio children don’t owe her that. “Mom and dad” might have been trying their best raising all the children equally but in an emotional level, there was always a difference
These are clearly the "But were family!" Type of people. Which we all know actually believe "We're family when that benefits me and we're not family when that benefits me more!"
"I wanted us all to be there!" "I had a no 'lying sacks of crap family that excluded me for 10 years because they didn't care about me' wedding. Sorry, you didn't make the cut."
Can you even IMAGINE the hoops her parents were jumping through in their brain to reconcile not telling her the truth while her "siblings" all treated her like shit? "No, we can't tell her the truth, it might make things weird, unlike now, where they all actively despise her." So ridiculous.
We care so much about the well being of this child that we will take them in and raise them as our own, and also let our other children exclude them to the point of abuse.
Unfortunately that's can happen when there's an age gap -- even with full siblings. Happens more often with an age gap and half-siblings. If you're on BORU, you must have seen that.
I think there’s a difference between children naturally being less connected due to differences in age/maturity and what is happening here. As OP describes it, it feels more like willful alienation due to jealousy and tacit support of that by the parents.
I have to wonder, how can you not notice that your "siblings" have baby photos from birth, and you are missing months? You want to tell me that they somehow excused not having a camera in the year 2000?
It sounds like she was too young to remember her father. I would imagine she has baby photos too. I have tons of baby photos of my nieces and nephews, including many of me holding them.
My heart breaks for OOP. It hurts so much to realize that the people you see as family only saw you as a burden. But also, just so much rage at the audacity to demand family privileges when it suits them. I wish OOP all the best in building the family she never had.
I hope she does 23& Me to see if her bio-mother has some decent relatives who would be thrilled to have her in their lives.
So they didn't invite oop to their wedding because oop wasn't their blood sibling and they wanted distance... ... but instead of being relieved oop didn't try to get them to oops wedding, they get mad they aren't invited?
Bc they saw it as a free party with free booze and a family reunion thrown in. Not a wedding.
I'm sure they also see it as a slight. See its okay for them to exclude her because she's their cousin. However she can't exclude them because she should be grateful they allowed her to grow up with them. /s
I don’t get this mentality. I find weddings a chore. Honestly, I’d rather stay home and cook my own good food.
assholes never see their own hypocrisy. It's always "different" when they do it.
Yeah, this is preposterous... They should've been glad for not being invited right? "We don't like you so we cheer the fact that we don't have to go through this ordeal of being at your wedding?" ????????
They got mad that they were not invited because it would make them look bad to the rest of the family. They do not care about the wedding they care about keeping IP appearances.
so, let me get this straight, they basically adopt OP but don't tell her she's not bio child, then essentially proceed to treat her as not-bio-child, and then are surprise pikachu when she returns the favour?
That is quite a twist to the story. May OOP and her husband live their best lives together while the build their own family. OOP deserves better.
Poor OOP. Not only did her family keep the truth from her, but also her parents still complained about a lack of a “big wedding” from her and her (now) husband. She is still the family’s scapegoat. At least now, OOP has some explanation and some answers to her treatment within her “family.”
Adoptive parents/sibling-cousins: Y U ELOPE??? Y U NO INVITE US??? OOP: Now you know what it feels like to not be invited to anything. Eh, I'm feeling petty for OOP.
I hope OOP goes even more petty than that and be like "I didn't tell you about my baby til months later after birth because you're just my uncle and aunt plus I'm not close to those cousins to tell them anything important about me."
I’m sad they eloped and OOP didn’t get to be petty and not invite her ‘family’. OOP is a far better person than I am. I hope she has some really good in-laws, she deserves them.
Considering OOP didn't spend any money on them as well didn't invite them due elopement while they spent no cent for a seat, meal nor soda on OOP for their respective weddings on of top going without her while they all went - I think you not realizing how petty OOP is by using their hypocrisy & entitlements against both parents & siblings. It's not Hall of Fame level, but it is super grand petty revenge that was a long time coming...
I thought it weird that the siblings/cousins kept upping the minimum age of attendance so OOP was JUST outside the minimum. Now I understand why. And their parents/aunt &uncle are absolute assholes for expecting OOP to invite them when they didn't to the same for her
it's really weird considering that a "child free" wedding usually means other people's kids, not their actual family members, much less their direct sibling* *of course the reveal shows otherwise
as the child who was not wanted (my Mum tells that story all the time... in front of me) it does make a difference. No matter how subtle people think they are the treatment gets through to you and as a child the confusion is immense
I am so sorry. My father let me know that the day I was born, he cried when told I was a girl because he wanted a son. I was around five. I never got over it, almost over-corrected until my husband asked me if I really thought I could never love a son. My father got his son and I saw what happened when a child was loved and wanted. I basically have no relationship with my father, have not for decades. Bless his heart, he just cannot understand why.
Ah so the Rules for Thee but Not for Me--- mixed in We're family . This is the most entitled bastards I ever read. And genuinely sad that OOP was hated for not being their sibling--- despite being family by blood. Screw them--- they don't even deserve to share the same.gene pool as OP
Wow. OOP’s family sucks. They lied to her for her entire life, and then wonder why she won’t invite them to her wedding?
Fuck this family. Glad OOP did the marriage of her dreams and that her "parents" (how can you call yourself parents when you let your older people act like that?) were mad. Stay mad!
It makes me so happy that they eloped rather than dealing with the family drama that was going to come with planning a wedding.
What in the soap opera??
I guess my question is are your parents lying about not knowing your bio mother.
IF this is real, they definitely know. I get not knowing who someone’s dad is if the mom never put it on the birth certificate, but her mom’s name is definitely on hers.
Called it, I guarantee if she went through their wedding albums and videos, she would find kids in them, good on her not inviting any of them
And they punished her for being upset about being shut out. How about the parents go back to being Aunt and Uncle?
Congratulations and a very mature decision. You will now have a magical memory going forward not overshadowed by family drama.
They are just mad they didn’t get their free family reunion, with free drinks and food on OOPs dime. OOP did what was best for them. Good on them for not caving and saving the cash.
I doubt it was free food and drinks, but probably irreplaceable family pictures. The parents couldn't pretend to have raised op as a part of the family if there are no wedding pictures to post.
What a trashbag fucking family. Imagine taking in your sibling's child, never telling them about their real biological parents, and letting your children treat them like shit.
The thing that's so frustrating about this is that for 17 years she was a part of their family and they treated her like a stranger. Yea, the oldest cousin had only a few years before adult responsibilities and college and stuff happened, but still - she was there, in their family. They were so resentful of her existence they didn't even try to consider her important. And her aunt and uncle are complete dickheads to see this kind of treatment and not shut it down. I'm trying to become a foster parent (there's so much paperwork ;w; I have so much work to do before) and even though the foster kids won't be officially part of my family I'm going to treat them like they're a part of my family - even if they're there only for a couple weeks.
Everyone in this family is a piece of shit and OOP would be much better off without them in her life!! Also, I bet the only reason why they wanted to attend was because "what will people say if we don't?"
How fucking pathetic of everyone involved here aside from OOP. They were adults, excluding someone that thought they were a sibling, then expecting to be included themsleves? They're terrible people. Not to even mention the parents. God awful.
>they do not know who my mother is. Whut? How? Was the name of the woman who birthed OOP not on the birth certificate? Did the family just take in this little girl without informing the authorities? Did the authorities just not look for her next of kin when her dad died? Surely, she can't be living without a social security number all this time because she just got married. How does this happen?
Eastern Europe, probably different rules there. And if they legally adopted her, the birth certificate would change.
I mean her dad knew and didn’t tell. A name, unless it’s super unique, narrows it down to a few thousand people. If it’s something like “Jessica Smith” then even more. They’re not going to subpoena the medical records of every person with that name at the right hospital to find out if they had a kid on the right day. If someone knew how OP’s parents met, or what school mom went to, or her home town, then they’d have something to go off, but a name is really vague.
This was some soap opera nonsense. Secret adoption, betrayal, elopement. Oof.
When I think of child-free weddings, I would never consider that siblings (or people thought of as siblings in this case) would be included. I always imagined it applied to your third cousin's needy toddler or your co-workers 16 year old that might try to drink.
Do some people really scream this much? It seems so overwrought.
And they ALL dropped whatever they were doing to show up at her house.
And OOP doesn’t have access to her own birth certificate as an adult. And her “parents” never had access to it either to read OOP’s mom’s name. And none of the older kids who didn’t like OOP ever got annoyed enough to drop the “you’re adopted” bombshell on her, even though they are all mean enough to exclude her from their weddings. The author reached too far with the twist update. They had a good “mean older family members” story going, but they threw it all away.
You're barking up the wrong tree with the birth certificate, part of a legal adoption is replacing the birth certificate. Birth parent names are replaced by adoptive parents. Original may be impossible to get depending on the state.
Original is archived The new one is the official public Source - lawyer who works in the foster care and adoption systems who is also an adoptee
My half-brother has an evil stepmom and her main form of communication towards him was screaming. So yes, I can believe it.
Look, I get wanting a child free wedding, but by the time a kid is about 10 or so, they aren't exhibiting a lot of the behaviors a young child does (and nothing against young children, that's how they are.) I'm honestly a little gobsmacked that even at 15 and 17, OOP STILL wasn't invited. I think at that point they just didn't like her
There's also a difference between a "direct" sibling like OOP and your friends kid. One actually cares about the people involved and the ceremony while the other is just there because their parent is.
I can't imagine this. I had a child free wedding many years ago (late at night, loud music, plenty of alcohol), but made an exception for an 8 year old cousin because otherwise he would have been the only one excluded from the family. Plus, I saw him often enough that I considered him close family. Exceptions are made for close family you want to keep a relationship with.
Jesus. That update is awful. Every single person in this except OOP is disposable. Absolutely despicable. I’m so sorry for OOP and glad they eloped
[удалено]
They didn’t want her there to make sure she knew she was beneath them in the hierarchy. As she was beneath them of course she should be honoured by their presence at hers. Collective solipsism.
They invited their step cousin but refused to invite the cousin who was raised as their sibling. The parents allowed them to exclude OP. They and the parents are mad they're not invited to OP's wedding. What a bunch if assholes
Well at least there was a reason…kind of…no. No this isn’t an answer at all.
Wow. What jerks. It’s like they all wanted to preserve one nice event where they could pretend OP didn’t actually exist, like stepmoms with their holiday pics that only cover their own children. Happened in my family but they had a full adoption after a death and really wanted the child. My great aunt died when her child was a baby and at time the family was worried about how the father would raise the child while living overseas alone and encouraged him to marry the aunt’s younger sister to take care of the baby. For some reason, they opted not to tell that child this history. He had three siblings (bio cousins I guess) and didn’t know that mom was biologically his maternal aunt until he was a teenager. His mom and dad wouldn’t let him go to some show or concert and while venting to a cousin, the guy responded that it was probably because he wasn’t really her kid. It was an incredibly painful time for everyone as they all had to process it on the fly and him in anger and hurting badly. She genuinely loved him by the way, as did his siblings (not cousins in anything but a bio sense!). they are very close and once the dust settled the relationship was so repaired that my generation didn’t even know until we were adults and the story was shared as cautionary about not lying about big things to your kids because truth comes out and it can hurt people.
This sticks out to me: >they said that the weddings had alcohol so they didn't want any young impressionable kids there. Well, I would say they failed then. Cause it certainly made an impression on one kid. But you know, there is something else. My kids can't legaly take the first sip till 21. Somehow I have to teach them to drink responsibly without actually letting them drink.... You do that by example. You show the kids when you can have a couple of drinks and when you can't. You go to a wedding, you arrange for a DD and you do not let them miss the connection between your behavior and the DD.
I can never wrap my head around this sort of behaviour among family. We took in my partner's half-sister at 13yo, she's not my child or related to me but she is family. We are getting married next year and I want her to be a junior bridesmaid because of course she deserves to be a part of our day! I don't get why people are so awful 😞
This is so sad and messed up. That entire family fucking sucks but I'm glad it seems OP has cut them all off. She doesn't need them when she has her own, new family that truly loves her.
Wow. If I were you they'd all be uninvited to my life. What a bunch of scumbags. Parents included.
How do you hate a child? They were old enough to understand the situation. Awful people. Invited other cousins but their cousin raised as a sibling.
The audacity. They wanted a free party and free food. You r like a doormat to them. This story reminded me the entitlement of my sister and family. They didn't like my husband and approved. So she said it won't be legally marriage. Ok😂. Then she said they will accept me if I invite almost 200 people ( who attended my entitle aunt's daughter wedding) . I told her she can dream about it. I m not spending a single dime for them. They will treat u like shit but act like they are entitle of everything. Even relation with your kids. 😂