#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The only way to maintain a relationship with this kind of parent is a low information diet and gray-rocking. They can’t throw a tantrum over what they don’t know.
I’m not sure what they thought they would accomplish by telling that dad anything about last names. There’s no good outcome with sharing any of that with him. I can only imagine the opinions he will have about their kids names.
He’s an adult, he needs to start making his own decisions and not worrying about his parents’ approval. If he relents, god knows when the meddling will stop.
I think OOP should take his wife's last name for one reason. It will get his toxic AF "parents" out of his life for good.
He even said he's never felt like he's family to them, before going to college or whatever. So that lets them go NC. And he should keep them NC if/when he and his wife choose to have children.
This is the right answer. Can you imagine how they’ll be with the grandchildren? Trying to indoctrinate them with their hate filled way of thinking. Go NC OP!
Yeah. It's hard for people not raised that way to see how unthinkable rebellion can feel. Hope this guy can keep disentangling himself and live his own life.
It took my partner being 40+, going through a grueling chronic illness phase and burnout including an escalating panic disorder to really begin the untangling process. And it is still incredibly hard for him and slow goings.
Abuse sucks.
I'm in my 30s and it took me moving 8hrs away from my extremely conservative family into a whole nother part of the state in my early 20s to finally realize I didn't *always* have to bend to what they want. It then took having a daughter myself to finally come to terms just how malleable they had made me growing up and I was *always* concerned with what they thought.
They hate my boundaries now because they can't walk all over me. My sister has a views more like me but her husband helps her stand up for themselves (wonderful no nonsense loves his family more than life itself type of person) but my brother is more like my parents and the golden child who they bend to what he wants/says. Tomorrow I've already warned my sister that I will be taking my child and walking out during lunch if he starts his homophobic/hateful/political rhetoric. My mother is fully aware too because she doesn't stop it/conveniently forgets all he says.
I'm absolutely terrified though. Like ive gone over each scenario in my head to make sure I'll be able to calmly get up, pack up our stuff and leave. I can't control what people think/say but I can control what i/mychild are exposed to and if my mother doesn't shut it down I'll just remove us.
You'll do fine, sweetie. Just remember why you're doing it, then follow through. What was it that RBG said...speak up even if your voice shakes. Sometimes actions carry a louder statement than words.
Stay strong!! Remember it's a thing you're doing for your daughter AND you. You're teaching her that she doesn't have to put up with people saying horrible things.
I wish him the absolute best. Sounds very much like my own case, right down to escalating physical crises. I was 50 when I finally confronted my abusive parent and went NC.
I wish I could let your partner see inside my head and see the incredible difference it has made. Best decision I ever made. The crisis, confrontation, and first month were hard, but the liberation was immediate and things just got better and better. So much peace. So much joy. So wonderful, when the ugly internal voice she ihstalled in me starts up, to be able to just pause, step back, and remember that I never have to see her again. Man, that feels amazing.
Don't know if your partner has tried it, but EMDR therapy was a huge game-changer for me in dealing with the legacy of abuse.
I really really hope it's before he loses his fiancee/wife because sooner or later she will be done with placating his unreasonable shitty parents. She might think she can keep placating them forever for her husband, but in the long run she's going to have had enough at some point.
I think it's a positive sign that she had none of his nonsense and had her own people with her. Fingers crossed that the husband can follow her out into the light. Sometimes seeing how other people's families work can help you see that you don't have to stay in the cult of your own.
(And sometimes the cult sucks in the new partner, and sometimes the cult victim just ends up joining a new but equally controlling family/partner, and sometimes people run around placating everyone frantically ... sadly "I can save him" is not at all a sure bet, but I hope for this family that it works out.)
when it comes to conservatives like this, the social tar pit that yawns ever-hungry to ensure you never leave the bubbling toxicity?
yeah that's not a bug, that's a feature...
It will get worse if they decide to have kids - mom and dad insisting that they ARE taking the kids to church and no arguing is allowed and if they don't comply they'll call CPS or some grandparent's rights shit
There has been more than one story on here of grandparents trying to get the grandchild christened behind the parents' backs. I could totally see that with these guys.
*I know I’m living my life the right when it pisses my super republican, super conservative, regressive, narc mom off.*
I’m repeating myself but she is anti-abortion, not just anti-choice. She wants it outlawed. Period. “If women die carrying children it’s God’s will and punishment for Eve’s sins” kind of shit. The woman is nuts. She’s “not racist” but uses the n word with a hard r at the end. She barely survives on her social security but is constantly voting for the party that wants to abolish it and take even that paltry amount away from her every month plus her Medicare.
Her “greatest regret” in life varies from giving birth to me, me not finishing college, me not believing in god to me being “liberal scum and everything wrong with America” because I think undocumented migrants are…people. And the Black and brown people are..also people. She despises BLM, despises me for supporting it. Downright *hates* that i support gay rights, trans rights and think every person is entitled to basic human rights.
She has “no idea” how I was so corrupted by the world. It “keeps her up at night” worrying for my soul. And she prays “daily” for me to accept Jesus into my heart or some insanity.
Here’s the irony. She raised me on the folk music of the 60s and 70s. You know, the love everyone/be good to everyone/people are people no matter where they’re from/protect the environment/women deserve rights, etc. She raised me listening to the music of Ireland, songs of rebellion or hope, music yearning for freedom and peace and self-determination under a single flag of their own, a united country brought together in spite of religion and not because of it.
All those songs, the words, those beliefs soaked into my soul and mind as a child and I never left them behind no matter how hard she and my dad tried to replace them with racism and classism and republicanism.
So, I live my life in a way that makes my mother despair and pisses her off and I know I’m living a good life.
>If women die carrying children it’s God’s will and punishment for Eve’s sins” kind of shit
Ask her if the child's father should be put to death as it was his sperm that helped create the little parasite that killed the woman.
Future mother in law needs to stay out of it too. I face palmed when I saw the future happy couple went along with her suggestion to sit down and talk things out. It’s the epitome of no one’s business but the future spouses and the parents can get over it or die angry.
People who aren't inside a dysfunctional family think it's possible to talk things through in a normal, healthy way. They always assume it's just a misunderstanding. But it isn't. Toxic people understand very well what the situation is. They created it and want it to stay that way. It's not a misunderstanding and it's not going to change. They use power moves and abuse in order to keep things the way they like it. You are not a person to them, purely an asset. So whatever you may think is of no concern, they'll actually despise being corrected or reasoned with, and double down on their actions.
This right here. You assume that people are coming into things with good intentions. Right, you’re family, everyone loves each other, so talking things through will fix it. Nope. This is all about winning.
I’m going to be honest, at some point you have to take accountability for this though. It’s fine that you grew up like that. But creating chaos for others because you insist the rest of the world must work like that puts you solidly in the toxic behavior category. My mother is like this. Never assumes bad intentions no matter how many times she’s been scammed.
Yea... there's no round table discussion to be had. Just do your thing. If your folks don't support you, fuck em. They sound super shitty. This reads like he knows exactly what he's happy with and willing to do, and any worry is due to his family who are all biased and bigoted.
It's really easy to say that when you haven't been conditioned from the day you were born that your ONLY purpose on this planet is to please your parents and if you don't, you are worthless.
\-sincerely, a daughter of a narcissistic mother
From a conservative Chinese family here. Brought up to think nothing matters but pleasing my family.
I’m still being told I’m worthless by my mom and her family because I’m in another country and not with my parents to wait on them hand and foot. I’ve learnt to shut everything out. The breaking point was 20 years ago when my mom threatened to burn my birth certificate if I didn’t come back home. Not to mention the mental manipulation “if you love me, you’ll come home”.
Sometimes you just have to call their bluff and stand your ground. It’s hard and they will try to make you feel like you’re worse than hitler. But, it needs to be done.
Interesting that his parents have been “walking all over him” his hole life, including now with the name change, and demand that he “grow some balls” by letting them decide against his own wishes.
So apparently making his own decisions instead of doing what daddy says is the p*ssy move? This dude actually has balls of steel to even consider making this name change, despite the onslaught of abuse he will face from others in addition to his bigoted family. Also why is it so hard to understand the more that you push someone or give them an ultimatum the more likely they are to do the opposite?
MAGA daddy just cannot deal. It's going to be so sweet if they take fiancé's name. Oh and also if I didn't completely cut them off and I were him, I absolutely would show up in a dress every time.
Every accusation is a confession with them. They try to act like they're the hardest people in town when they're the most fragile, insecure people imaginable.
Its not just higher porn in general, it's their favorite search terms.
Nothing wrong with those terms. But when their voting records and jerking records are so diametrically opposed it starts to paint a strange picture.
And they love to spout this nonsense, but don't like it actually practiced. If I were OOP, any time the mom started to argue with me, I would lean to the father and ask him why his woman is talking to me without his permission, or he better keep his woman in check.
See how fast their heads swivel when he starts acting the way they claim to want him to act.
Like I’ve told my friends when they teased me about drinking my fancy scotch with ice cubes:
“You know how a ‘real man’ drinks his whiskey? However he damn well pleases.”
I’m always curious about people worrying their kids are exposed to “liberal shit.” Like if your world view and rhetoric is so weak that it crumbles to simple exposure of another idea then you either never held the belief in the first place or the belief is weak as shit.
If Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers are the antithesis of your beliefs, then your beliefs are stupid and you deserve to be ridiculed by people who aren't sociopaths.
The funny thing is that all these ultra-conservative boomer parents sat us down in front of Sesame Street and Mr Rogers without apparently absorbing the overall messages those shows were conveying. They saw puppets and a conservative-looking older white pastor and figured he’d teach us the same values they had. Oopsie :)
That's malignant narcissism for you. It doesn't have to make any sense whatsoever as long as it achieves their goal of feeling important and getting admiration/attention.
But they are admitting in a round about way that their ideas are bad. I don’t know what conclusion to draw from “I’m afraid my kids won’t follow my ideas if they are exposed to ideas other than my own.” Like I’m a leftist. Do you suspect I have any problem at all dealing with an exposure to conservative ideas? Spoiler, I do not have these problems. I don’t have these problems because I do believe that my rhetoric is stronger and my world view simply makes more sense. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Ben Shapiro was somehow in a classroom with hypothetical kids of mine because I can argue against his ideology effectively.
Same idea. People who make narcissism part of their core identity go through life latching on to whatever feeds their disorder. No matter how stupid their beliefs are, they would rather stay with the "comfortable" belief and warp reality to fit it than try to change themselves, because they value that feeling of importance more than anything else.
The key is that they absolutely do not give a shit about other people. They are constantly making extremely self-centered decisions and setting up their lives to serve themselves only. You can't argue logically with them because you (as a normal human being) have completely different value systems despite living in the same society and culture, or even family in this case.
My father is part of the cult of MAGA and drinks all the Kool-Aid. He is highly educated. Worked for the State/Fed government and retired from it. I went to college, started my own business, worked international trade policy, and partnered in another business that embodies the tenants of his proclaimed gospels, you know, looking after the "least of these." According to him, I am a "flunky liberal sinner with no prospects of heaven." Unloading with both barrels does not describe my reply. Tactical nuclear strike is closer. Also, being the youngest son, I was privy to my brothers' secrets. Let's say that abusers, racists, and more were exposed that day. Family Xmas hasn't happened in years. They were the best ones yet.
I'm not sure what OOP really expected his parents reaction to be or why he even told them. After you sign the paperwork sure, but it just sounds like he's got a deeeeep desperation for approval from them.
Most people’s family problems come from the fact that they think major life decisions require a committee and not just you or you and your partner.
I am so happy I figured out independently gray rock as a teenager and not rely on my parents for emotional support. (This was the early 00s kids I didn’t have places to google this shit lol). Now I’m 38 been to therapy and my parents finally figured out I have no issue going months at a time without meaningful communication. They have a lane and they stay in it.
And like you, I also was an intuitive grey rocker from my (even earlier) childhood. The skill (strengthened by boarding school) served me well, but the hypervigilance is still a work in progress.
Exactly. They don't realize it's OK for their elder to be mad at them, and that they're allowed to "ruin the holiday" if all it takes is living your reasonable life.
If OP is reading this and doesn’t mind losing contact, here’s the play: tell dad you’ve thought seriously about everything he said. That you were on the fence, but as you thought over all the arguments pro and con, his opinions were the ones that stick in your mind. You realized that this really isn’t about you or her, but about your future children. Especially if you were to have sons, it would matter whose name they were given. You need to put your kids first. Thinking over all the vile and bigoted things he said, you realized that you would rather not have your children share his name. So you will switch yours.
These types of families are the worse. OP is better off cutting these people out of his life because he is an adult now and doesn't need to worry about their approval or decisions. I won't want to keep contact with families who are racist, homophobia, or just plain manipulative. Extremely conservative individuals can be nasty.
Wish OP and the fiancée well.
to be a little mean in ways that may make some redditors clutch their pearls (so viewer discretion applies etc etc?),
extremely "conservative" individuals like this not just can be nasty, they are nasty. they joined a cult based around hating people for being poor, not white, not male, not straight, not cis, not Christian (or rather not "Christian" with heavy emphasis on those scare quotes because they don't much pay attention to actual doctrine), not able bodied, not living in a red state, not owning enough guns, not being exactly full of hate like them...
the political ideas at this point are based on "i want to hurt them for being not like me". if it were actually about conserving good ideas, there wouldn't be a wholesale adoption of "move fast and break things as long as momentum keeps up". if it were actually about saving money, they wouldn't fight things like free school lunches for kids, because it turns out the red tape for enforcing payments costs more than just streamlining the cooking. if it was about protecting worthy values, they wouldn't be so full of arguments about how various sins are okay when Trump does them. you get the idea.
the hate isn't an unfortunate side effect that only happens sometimes. the hate is the point. maybe someday in the past it wasn't, but now? that's the party line. it's what they do. it's the stated goals and aims of the movement.
as a disabled person it got pretty obvious during the pandemic when so many of them were happy to tell me to my face that they don't think i deserved to live, because i inherently make the world a worse place by existing while "useless", so therefore if they gave me covid and i died of it they were doing a moral good.
...and then they usually threw hissy fits when i said that i would no longer be friends with them since they think i am better off dead than alive.
the hate is the point. it's why we're seeing so many damn talking points lifted directly from fucking Goebbels and other so-called luminaries of the Nazi party. (i am aware of how i have technically violated Godwin's law, but two counter points: 1. Godwin himself said it's suspended in modern discourse when you're talking about the actual goddamn neonazis, 2. it is very applicable when someone is repeating the exact same excuses down to exact same translated *phrases and slogans* about why if you're disabled you should be culled because you are just dragging the fatherland down.) it's not a secret, it's not disguised. it's not drawing abusers as fans by accident. that's literally by design.
i think many folks want to pretend this isn't happening because seeing so many people cheerfully go to hate your guts is mindboggling and terrifying both. and sure, some might just be repeating fox news talking points. some, a few, might even listen to reason when they see how someone they know personally is hurt by this. but it's an increasingly small number. those come-to-Jesus moments have arisen by the hundreds due to recent events in the past few years. at some point if you have someone who hears about how filling the border river with hidden traps so that those trying to swim across it to America are injured or killed, and they laugh and celebrate the reports of children's bodies and body parts in the water and loudly proclaim how good they think this is... there's been a leap across some moral event horizon.
a political party driven by the desire to abuse other groups for being not-them in increasingly cruel ways, simply because they think people should suffer and die due to immutable qualities of their life (being not white, being not cis, being not straight, etc), is the political party of abusers because *abuse is their political doctrine.*
i am sure some luminaries (of the type that said they were going to quit reddit when /the_donald got banned or whatever, i can't be fucked to look up the proper name of the big Trump subreddit that got banned lol) will object to this characterization, but sadly the entire conservative party of the political system in the USA has become not so much little-c-conservative but... reactionary hatred. i will give them a bit more credit if and or when the political party maybe apologizes for going with the casual eugenics "if they die, they die!" strategy, but so far it doesn't seem like many are willing to admit that maybe Rocky movie villains aren't the greatest to have ghost write your public health policy. oh and the rest of the fuckery of course. but i won't be holding my breath.
tldr - being the party of abusers isn't a bug, it's a feature
Relate to this so much! During lockdowns I got into FB argument (lame I know ughh) with my cousin about how its sooo unfair that he has to sit at home for 4 weeks for NOTHING. (We live in NZ/Aus just FYI).
I clarified that it's not for nothing, it's to protect our vulnerable disabled and elderly people in our communities. Our convo essentially was this:
Him: "But why do **I** have to be stuck inside for 4 weeks?? Can't they just stay inside??"
Me: "Everyone is stuck inside for 4 weeks, that's the point, so we can get it out of our communities in one fell swoop and because our borders are closed it should be safe for everyone afterwards."
Him: "Nah it's stupid, restricting MY freedom is not okay, it's my human right to leave the house and do whatever I want. If they don't want to get sick, they can stay inside while everyone else goes out."
Me (trying make him understand): "But if that was the case, they'd have to stay inside and avoid everyone for like, 2 years until we have a vaccine. It's not fair to make our vulnerable people essentially prisoners in their home for 2 years. However, if we all pitched in for 4 weeks, then everyone could be safe until the vaccines are ready."
Him: "Then they should stay inside for 2 years, that's their problem, not mine."
Me: "Uhmm, you know I'm disabled right? I'm immunosuppressed and therefore at high risk of a serious infection? Are you saying that I have to stay inside for 2 years so you can avoid 4 weeks?"
Him: "I believe what I believe. My answer remains the same."
Unsurprisingly, we are no longer in contact :)
This take feels the most true to me. When people I know (mostly the upper middle class white people I know) still talk about “reaching across the aisle” my gut is always just FUCK OFF! You don’t try to get through to an abuser. You leave them as far and and fast as you can.
honestly what i keep reminding myself of is the one time i saw my grandfather yell. i was acting up with my cousins on a sleepover, being loud, knowing he had a headache. his change in temperament was a valuable lesson of how sometimes people really mean what they are saying.
we have a crop of folks who say that reaching across the aisle was the moral affront that made them become so abominable. and even more that say the most gentle of rebukes along the lines of "wow that's not cool you want me to die" simply forced them to become wannabe domestic terrorists or worse. i'm inclined to take them at their word. trying the same gentle tactics that let them thrive is going to be ineffective. they've forgotten that when you come for us and ours, we can sure as fuck bite back. they've forgotten that if you are a morally repugnant person, you aren't entitled to society fawning over you at the sacrifice of dozens upon thousands of others.
not giving a stern rebuke is just going to make it harder for them to learn the boundary of "absolutely not". so... it truly is a case of being cruel to be kind, even if you want to look at it exclusively through the lens of "what about the poor bigots".
Ugh yea. To be honest no one has to change names. It’s not a requirement to get married, but if he wants to change his last name then he is a grown man who can make that decision. Regardless if he changes his name, for his mental health he needs to be done with his parents.
He should change his name just to get rid of them. I have some in-laws that are born-again that can be nigh impossible to converse with, but if they were saying the n-word, they would be out of my life forever. There are right-wingers that you're forced to tolerate but sometimes there's just bad people who have no place in your life.
It is, but I also understand him. I'm lucky enough that my inlaws (who are scarily like these parents) live far away enough that we only see them like once a month, but my husband likes his other family too much to cut his mom out. At that point, it's a "shut up and nod" tactic, and you just learn to tune out the noise.
It takes a lot of time - and outside perspective - to learn how to stand up for yourself without losing your agency or even identity. I'm pretty proud of OOP for being this young and yet so strong. It's certainly not easy.
We need more last name smooshes. Your last name is Wilson and you last name is McClear? Congratulations, you're the McCilsons. Now let's cut the damn cake
Friends of friends got married with the last names Randall and Pascal. Wedding invitations said "come celebrate the Rascals" which has got to be one of the most badass things I've ever heard.
Agreed! My last name now is so cool, alone it was ok but together with husbands it’s awesome. I always said I would have fully taken his if his was cooler than mine.
It always boggles me when people ask stuff like "my partner/parents/friends are holding an unreasonable position. What magic combination of words can get them to see things my way?"
None. There is none. They know your point of view. They don't care. They're not changing. There's no magic spell.
I have a friend whose dad was a right piece of shit. He took his wife’s last name, because his father-in-law was more of a father to him than his own father.
And I have another friend who had a shit father who married a woman who also had a shit father, so they picked a new last name together, and they both changed their names.
And if my family was as shitty as OOPs, I would probably change my name, too. I don’t have a particularly strong attachment to my last name, but it’s easy to say and easy to spell, so I’m still using it,
Yes, same. I know three couples who took the wife’s last name because their dad was a piece of shit. One is a lesbian couple who decided not to double-barrel because one wanted nothing to tie her to her dad.
It seems to me like the father is already ready to cut him off for something so trivial. I hope OP cuts him out first. The liberation of removing your abuser is a powerful feeling.
Oh man.
Isn't it always the people that think gender is fixed and determined genetically who also think everything turns you into a woman.
I guess I'm all about family unity, but I don't understand a whole big both sides family meeting on this.
I ended up feeling like both OOP and their fiance weren't mature enough for marriage.
In the end, taking the wife's name is very non traditional, and you have to be pretty firm in your conviction on this, or you'll end up miserable when nobody approves.
> Isn't it always the people that think gender is fixed and determined genetically who also think everything turns you into a woman.
That is the funny part, isn't it? If OP went to his parents and said "I identify as a woman and I'm changing my name to Michelle, she/her pronouns," they would absolutely flip out and argue until they turned blue that he's a man, 100%, forever, and nothing can change that, not wearing dresses or legally changing his name or anything, they will always 100% insist that he's a man. But when he comes to them and says he's changing his name from Smith to Jones their main attack is "ok, you big GIRL, where's your PURSE!?" Like, pick one.
>I guess I'm all about family unity, but I don't understand a whole big both sides family meeting on this.
Yeah. This is where boundaries come in. OP and fiancee made a decision that honestly only affects them. The parents can either keep their opinions to themselves, or OP and fiancee can decide not to be around people who are going to be abusive and judgmental. A "family meeting" isn't going to accomplish anything; it's not going to change anyone's minds. These kinds of "family meetings" usually just end up with the majority ganging up on the one person who's trying to make an independent decision and pressuring them out of it.
>Isn't it always the people that think gender is fixed and determined genetically who also think everything turns you into a woman.
It just strikes me as the most fragile of masculinity... you don't need to stand when you pee to know you're a man, or do certain behaviors defined as "masculine". You don't need to buy male versions of deodorants, shampoos, or soaps, just because they're "manly". You just need to identify as a man. That's it. There's no "scorecard", and people who rely on such a thing rather than their own self are, ironically, the least secure in their gender identity.
A new guy friend of mine has a purse, and now I want one. For the sheer joy of saying "Let me pull out my purse" and then stare down anyone who challenges me. I'm a big bearded guy so I can get away with it :)
I changed my name with marriage as my maiden name was awful and I absolutely had no ties to it other than being born and given the name. My father, absent my whole life, was livid. He would later also be livid my kids also had my husband’s name. Delusional. There’s a reason as an adult I’ve gone entirely NC with the man, this is just one small reason.
If my horrible family, who are like OOP's but a lot more violent about it, had promised to go NC over *anything* I would've jumped at the chance. (Too bad for me it's threats of grievous bodily harm instead.)
OOP: "So you'll really go no-contact if I change my name?"
Entire birth family: "Yeah you "
OOP: "Pinky swear?"
I mean, why doesn’t he just go no contact anyway? These hardly sound like people you should want a relationship with. But, it does seem like they are pretty young, so hopefully, he’ll get there.
You know I didn’t realize you could do it bc the only significant name change I’ve seen like that was Phoebe on Friends when she became princess consuela banana hammock.
Neither one of yall have to take the other's name. My wife and I got married and just kept our names. The whole name changing thing is an absolute hassle anyway.
Christ, he needs to cut his losses and move on.
If he has kids does he really want the grandparents using the hard R and being openly homophobic around them? Fuck no, if it were my kids they would never see them.
No point in drawing this relationship out imo.
It's something to wear during graduation that shows you got better grades than the rest of your class. I graduated in 2002 and wore a blue stole to show I was in the top 5% of my class, based on grade point average (GPA). This practice varies by location and some schools allow the kids to wear various regalia to show what organizations they participated in, e.g. yellow cords for a national Honor society, red cords for debate club, etc.
Thanks - my high school had NHS and the kids in it got to wear special stoles over their gowns, but nobody else had any particular insignia. (Of course, I'm out of high school for almost thirty years, so the school might be doing things differently now.)
Good lord. Having a family meeting with a cast of thousands to discuss a decision that is solely in the hands of 2 people is stupid. Fiancee's mom is an idiot for *suggesting* that, let alone hosting it.
Just make your adult decisions by your adult selves for crying out loud.
Imagine arguing how women are inferior in so many ways to men *in front of your own wife and also women you barely know*.
You might think yourself a Real Man, Dad, but you’re no gentleman, that’s for damn sure.
Oop should do what works best for him and his wife. Because marriage is (hopefully) a long term contract, and your spouse comes before other adults in your life (though not your necessarily before kids). His father can accept it or lose most contact with his child.
Poor guy. Escaping an abusive situation like this is incredibly hard but he must. OP deserves so much better than those toxic and also downright idiotic parents.
So. Friends of mine literally combined their surnames. Not hyphenated. Combined. They BOTH changed their last names to something that represented both of them. And it has worked so well.
I never changed my name. It is a pain in the ass here so I said nope. My professional career is built under my name. Socially I go by my husbands last name but no one even notices.
So if he ‘wears the pants and grows some balls’ and tells his parents THIS is what I have decided they are not going to be happy. He’s only supposed to stand up for their ideals not against.
Your parents may think they’re strong. Your father may think he’s a tough guy. In reality they’re two timid souls who are terrified of the outside world.
It sucks to have a break with family, but something that’s the only way to have a happy adult life. You and your fiancée have the right to choose your family name. Your parents may not like that, but it’s none of their business.
Jesus. I'm not even related to these people, and I wanted to go NC with them halfway through the update.
Just... Change your name to what you want and change your phone number too while you're at it, OOP.
Why does anyone need to change their names in this day and age? It's a pain in the ass and we're not each other's property. My wife kept her name, I have mine. We are a family nonetheless.
Poor guy needs therapy to tackle his childhood (imo he has a trauma but I don't want to armchair diagnosis) and hopefully learn how to stand up to his parents and get the sort of relationship with them that he wants, or none if thats what he wants
His parents are awfully oldschool, hell when my mom got married to her ex he took her name and even kept it after they split. I think he changed his last name to the wife's he got at a later time 🤔
Bet hypernating the name won't be good enough for his folk either, honestly I hope they end up deciding to go with her name. To get away from his family/the feeling that he chooses them himself, to help with letting her name live on since he has siblings for his name if he wants to to continue and to really give the father a f**k finger that he has no right to decide what his grown up son should do
Good grief. So much misogyny in this family.
"According to father though, if we don’t take my last name “he’s done, that’s it” so there’s a joy."
I hope OP holds his father to that promise.
The Dad throughout this sounds like the weakest human being known to man. I'd just take up the invitation he is laying out and go "no contact".
For his mental health and his family's -- the parents need to go. Hell at this point in the story if the Dad is going hard "R" then I'm changing my name period. Because I don't want to get a call from a news organization asking me for comment on "the recent events involving your father".
Given his birth year his parents are probably my age or close to it. They suck and are ignorant because I kept my maiden name when I got married 33 years ago. Oh there was a bit a pearl clutching from some family members but after a year or so no one really cared anymore.
Other couples I knew getting married at the same time hyphenated names or took the more traditional route with the woman changing her name and one or two had the male changing his name.
So it's nothing new or alien, the parents are just conservative assholes.
Whenever I read about families like OOP's that go "do what we want or we'll cut you off" my thought is always "And that's a bad thing *because...*?"
OOP's family doesn't have to like his decision. Contrary to his update, they don't even have to respect it. They do, however, have to abide by it unless they have some way of controlling OOP that he actually cares about.
Also, for all their talk of OOP having no balls and needing to get his pants back, I'm sure they'd have no issue with him being utterly submissive to *them*.
My dad occasionally talks about how much he wishes he'd tried harder to make me "understand" politics. I've always been politically involved but one of the underpinnings of my politics is "don't be an asshole". Not long ago I told him that was why I could never have been a republican no matter how hard he tried and his head almost blew up as he pictures himself as a kind, jovial, Santa-like misogynistic racist.
When I was a preteen and I announced to people that I wasn’t going to change my name when I got married, I got people telling me I was contributing to the destruction of society by making genealogy harder and I got people lying and telling me it was against the law to not change my name. But at least I didn’t get called gay. (Fellas, is it gay to marry a woman?)
My extended family still addresses letters to me with my husband’s last name instead of mine… but I guess I should be grateful they didn’t pull this shit.
My family was saying the same thing with the genealogy thing. They didn’t tell me it was against the law but my father said and I quote “I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere” is defense of me not changing my last name so yeah
What a nice update! How ironic that his family is saying he's not a man if he takes his wife's name, but want him to act like a child that can be bullied into compliance. There's nothing more manly than a man who's confident in his decisions and isn't too bothered by other people's opinions.
You may want to tell your father that in past history depending on a woman’s status, the husband would take her last name instead.
If her status was higher, then he took her family name.
Tell your dad he should look it up.
Sorry your family is so toxic.
JFC OPs family is next level toxic...
Living in the US changing your last name is a PAIN. Like so annoying and time-consuming. My husband and I discussed it and at the time he told me he didn't care if I kept my maiden name, hyphenated, or took his name.
My MIL had told him previously that "If a woman won't take your name she won't get your ring." Welp, when he told her I was either keeping my name or hyphenating all she said was "Okay whatever you both choose."
Why? Because she's not an asshole and realized that her values don't have to be ours. God... OP should do whatever they want and if the trash takes itself out, so be it.
I do hope the OOP makes the the decision based on what makes *him* and his *fiancée* happy. Trying to make other people happy usually ends up in disappointment.
Taking your wife's last name just means you love her and respect her.
Hell, the way his parents are acting I'd take her name just to distance myself from them.
This is going to end in no contact. I know a family that viewed their middle daughter as defective because she didn't immediately believe in and do everything her parents wanted. Pretty sure she's no contact now.
I mean… his parents honestly don’t need to know he’s legally changed his name. There’s a history of the name change so if they send him something in the post as long as the address is correct it changes nothing. Banks don’t really care what you put in account holder name - unless something goes wrong - account number are the main part.
And my aunt uses my last name more than anyone else in my family because she signs my pay checks. Honestly how often to parents actually need to write your legal name?
>My fiancées mother had the idea of sitting us all down to talk it out and make sure we were all on the same page. Included in there talks were my fiancée and I, my mother and father, fiancées mother, and my maternal grandparents.
WTF are all these PEOPLE involved in TWO ADULTS' lives and decisions???
Look, y'all. If you're getting married, you don't NEED your parents' approval for anything you and your future spouse decide.
When my daughter got married she didn’t feel an urgency to change her name, didn’t seem to have strong feelings one way or the other, was just kind of putting it off bc it’s paperwork and kind of a pain. Her grandpa in law kept asking when she was changing her name, to the point of pestering her every time they saw each other. Not sure but I think her mother in law got in on it too. This pretty much cemented her decision to keep her last name lol. Not sure what they’ll do if they have kids, none of my business, and who cares? Honestly, what difference does it make? It’s such a silly issue.
When I was younger a future wife taking my last name seemed important. Now that I'm pushing 40 and engaged, I honestly can't be assed. I'm not changing my name, she can do whatever she wants.
I've suggested we mash our last names together because one variation sounds like banana, but she said no. :(
A family meeting to discuss their names? Cut the cord on both families. That should not be a matter of debate with anyone. How odd that the family deems it necessary to call a meeting for something that has nothing to do with them.
He needs therapy to have it reinforced by another that he is an adult and can make his own decisions. It can be really weird when you’ve been controlled all your life to realize you’re not your parents clone. You’re your own person.
I know it's shitty because he doesn't want any more drama and stress but I honestly really want to see him take her last name instead as an extra "fuck you" to his shitty parents. He doesn't seem emotionally stable to handle the fall through of that decision though
My father was going to take my mother’s last name when they were getting married. His mother didn’t care. He had three brothers and his father sucked. My grandfather was his best friend. My father WANTED to change his last name. The courts gave such a hard time he never did
I know he regrets it to this day. Why? He said as much on his 75th birthday to me when we were having drinks.
There is confrontation… OP made the decision. It’s not up for argument
My (26f) and my partner (28m) are both hyphenating our names. So our last name with be his name-my name and we will both have the same name as our kids.
This dude’s parents are super fucking weird
Take whatever name you want. Doesn’t affect me at all.
See, wasn’t that easy, conservative reditors? It’s not that hard to be a non-asshole, just mind your own fucking business.
Where I got married (Minnesota), the time to decide on last names was when applying for our marriage license. We had to declare what each of our full legal names would be. When the license is filed, that accomplished the legal name change. Then the marriage certificate we received served as legal documentation of the name change.
It's not like we couldn't have changed it after that, but it would have then required another legal filing and fee.
Changing his last name doesn't mean she wears the pants, it just means his parents are assholes and he doesn't want to be associated with them.
If he tells them that it should make it all better lol.
There’s zero reason to try to maintain a relationship with bigots, regardless of how closely related to you they are.
Sorry man. But it’s not your fault, your doing, or your job to fix them.
Just a shout into the aether here to anyone who reads this: You don't *owe* your parents *anything* once you're a legal adult. At that point, both of you have fulfilled your parts of the social contract. If you *want* to be kind to them there's nothing wrong with that; but if they make your life miserable, you are 1000% within your rights to tell them to go fuck themselves and never look back.
My family had only girls for like 20 years after my dad was born, one of my sister's got married to a man who took her name. He's closer to my parents than his own (messy family with a lot of kids), so it felt right to them and now the name keeps going.
If it bothered his parents they kept their mouths shut and supported his decision.
Sometimes the trash tries to take itself out, and people force the trash to stay in their house. These parents are awful not only as parents but as human beings and anyone's life would be improved by their absence.
Holy toxic masculinity, Batman! It’s okay to not like your birth family. You are under no obligation to do what they want when it clearly conflicts with your own worldviews.
OP did not say anything positive about his parents that he would miss out if he goes LC or NC. This won't be the last of their toxic and controlling ways. Imagine if they decide to have kids.
Some people are really stupid about last names, bless their hearts.
My father only wanted sons and let me know that I was unworthy of his last name, as was my sister. Our brother, the only one to carry on the last name (our branch, anyway) changed it because he was tired of having to spell it and putting up with jokes about it. So Father ended up with four grandsons and none of him carry his last name.
My late father-in-law, in spite of me taking my husband's last name (for obvious reasons - see above), got it into his pretty little head that I was going to insist on giving our children my maiden name. Our son is the only one who carries that last name on that branch, but since my husband has forty-plus cousins, he is not the only one.
We have a friend who can trace their history back to a relative of one of the Founding Fathers of the US and more than once, told their son that he was an embarrassment to the family name. Kid is extremely intelligent, but uninterested in sports or anything that the parents can use to make themselves look better. Pretty sure the son is going to take his future wife's name if he ever gets married.
It is a name, nothing more, nothing less. No need to get your panties in a twist.
OOP realize your father and grandfather think about gay men so much the only way for them to feel better is to try to insult other men by calling them disgusting names for female genitalia.
He should definitely go no contact, for the sake of his own and his fiancée's mental health. I totally get the part about going shaky during confrontations and arguments, I'm like that myself.
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** to determine if you want to read an update. For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Poor guy. Honestly he should look into therapy and drop his “parents”.
The only way to maintain a relationship with this kind of parent is a low information diet and gray-rocking. They can’t throw a tantrum over what they don’t know. I’m not sure what they thought they would accomplish by telling that dad anything about last names. There’s no good outcome with sharing any of that with him. I can only imagine the opinions he will have about their kids names.
I wonder if it is even worth trying to have a relationship with people like this.
He’s an adult, he needs to start making his own decisions and not worrying about his parents’ approval. If he relents, god knows when the meddling will stop.
It's so hard to escape this shit when you grew up in it. I hope he finds a way to go no contact because these people will never, ever change.
I think OOP should take his wife's last name for one reason. It will get his toxic AF "parents" out of his life for good. He even said he's never felt like he's family to them, before going to college or whatever. So that lets them go NC. And he should keep them NC if/when he and his wife choose to have children.
This is the right answer. Can you imagine how they’ll be with the grandchildren? Trying to indoctrinate them with their hate filled way of thinking. Go NC OP!
Same. Every time the dad said something along the lines of cutting OP off if he changed his name I thought "Sounds like a win-win to me"
There is a 0 percent chance that they will make good on their threat. More likely, they'll bug him more and turn that toxic dial up hard.
It's too bad he doesn't have the guts just to go permanent NC with the lot of them. But brainwashing runs deep.
Yeah. It's hard for people not raised that way to see how unthinkable rebellion can feel. Hope this guy can keep disentangling himself and live his own life.
It took my partner being 40+, going through a grueling chronic illness phase and burnout including an escalating panic disorder to really begin the untangling process. And it is still incredibly hard for him and slow goings. Abuse sucks.
I'm in my 30s and it took me moving 8hrs away from my extremely conservative family into a whole nother part of the state in my early 20s to finally realize I didn't *always* have to bend to what they want. It then took having a daughter myself to finally come to terms just how malleable they had made me growing up and I was *always* concerned with what they thought. They hate my boundaries now because they can't walk all over me. My sister has a views more like me but her husband helps her stand up for themselves (wonderful no nonsense loves his family more than life itself type of person) but my brother is more like my parents and the golden child who they bend to what he wants/says. Tomorrow I've already warned my sister that I will be taking my child and walking out during lunch if he starts his homophobic/hateful/political rhetoric. My mother is fully aware too because she doesn't stop it/conveniently forgets all he says. I'm absolutely terrified though. Like ive gone over each scenario in my head to make sure I'll be able to calmly get up, pack up our stuff and leave. I can't control what people think/say but I can control what i/mychild are exposed to and if my mother doesn't shut it down I'll just remove us.
You'll do fine, sweetie. Just remember why you're doing it, then follow through. What was it that RBG said...speak up even if your voice shakes. Sometimes actions carry a louder statement than words.
Stay strong!! Remember it's a thing you're doing for your daughter AND you. You're teaching her that she doesn't have to put up with people saying horrible things.
I wish him the absolute best. Sounds very much like my own case, right down to escalating physical crises. I was 50 when I finally confronted my abusive parent and went NC. I wish I could let your partner see inside my head and see the incredible difference it has made. Best decision I ever made. The crisis, confrontation, and first month were hard, but the liberation was immediate and things just got better and better. So much peace. So much joy. So wonderful, when the ugly internal voice she ihstalled in me starts up, to be able to just pause, step back, and remember that I never have to see her again. Man, that feels amazing. Don't know if your partner has tried it, but EMDR therapy was a huge game-changer for me in dealing with the legacy of abuse.
I really really hope it's before he loses his fiancee/wife because sooner or later she will be done with placating his unreasonable shitty parents. She might think she can keep placating them forever for her husband, but in the long run she's going to have had enough at some point.
I think it's a positive sign that she had none of his nonsense and had her own people with her. Fingers crossed that the husband can follow her out into the light. Sometimes seeing how other people's families work can help you see that you don't have to stay in the cult of your own. (And sometimes the cult sucks in the new partner, and sometimes the cult victim just ends up joining a new but equally controlling family/partner, and sometimes people run around placating everyone frantically ... sadly "I can save him" is not at all a sure bet, but I hope for this family that it works out.)
> I hope he finds a way to go no contact because these people will never, ever change. If anything, they'll just get worse.
when it comes to conservatives like this, the social tar pit that yawns ever-hungry to ensure you never leave the bubbling toxicity? yeah that's not a bug, that's a feature...
It will get worse if they decide to have kids - mom and dad insisting that they ARE taking the kids to church and no arguing is allowed and if they don't comply they'll call CPS or some grandparent's rights shit
There has been more than one story on here of grandparents trying to get the grandchild christened behind the parents' backs. I could totally see that with these guys.
If my parents were dropping hard Rs the last thing I'd want is their approval.
*I know I’m living my life the right when it pisses my super republican, super conservative, regressive, narc mom off.* I’m repeating myself but she is anti-abortion, not just anti-choice. She wants it outlawed. Period. “If women die carrying children it’s God’s will and punishment for Eve’s sins” kind of shit. The woman is nuts. She’s “not racist” but uses the n word with a hard r at the end. She barely survives on her social security but is constantly voting for the party that wants to abolish it and take even that paltry amount away from her every month plus her Medicare. Her “greatest regret” in life varies from giving birth to me, me not finishing college, me not believing in god to me being “liberal scum and everything wrong with America” because I think undocumented migrants are…people. And the Black and brown people are..also people. She despises BLM, despises me for supporting it. Downright *hates* that i support gay rights, trans rights and think every person is entitled to basic human rights. She has “no idea” how I was so corrupted by the world. It “keeps her up at night” worrying for my soul. And she prays “daily” for me to accept Jesus into my heart or some insanity. Here’s the irony. She raised me on the folk music of the 60s and 70s. You know, the love everyone/be good to everyone/people are people no matter where they’re from/protect the environment/women deserve rights, etc. She raised me listening to the music of Ireland, songs of rebellion or hope, music yearning for freedom and peace and self-determination under a single flag of their own, a united country brought together in spite of religion and not because of it. All those songs, the words, those beliefs soaked into my soul and mind as a child and I never left them behind no matter how hard she and my dad tried to replace them with racism and classism and republicanism. So, I live my life in a way that makes my mother despair and pisses her off and I know I’m living a good life.
>If women die carrying children it’s God’s will and punishment for Eve’s sins” kind of shit Ask her if the child's father should be put to death as it was his sperm that helped create the little parasite that killed the woman.
At that point if you're pissing your parents off, you're probably doing the right thing.
Future mother in law needs to stay out of it too. I face palmed when I saw the future happy couple went along with her suggestion to sit down and talk things out. It’s the epitome of no one’s business but the future spouses and the parents can get over it or die angry.
People who aren't inside a dysfunctional family think it's possible to talk things through in a normal, healthy way. They always assume it's just a misunderstanding. But it isn't. Toxic people understand very well what the situation is. They created it and want it to stay that way. It's not a misunderstanding and it's not going to change. They use power moves and abuse in order to keep things the way they like it. You are not a person to them, purely an asset. So whatever you may think is of no concern, they'll actually despise being corrected or reasoned with, and double down on their actions.
This right here. You assume that people are coming into things with good intentions. Right, you’re family, everyone loves each other, so talking things through will fix it. Nope. This is all about winning. I’m going to be honest, at some point you have to take accountability for this though. It’s fine that you grew up like that. But creating chaos for others because you insist the rest of the world must work like that puts you solidly in the toxic behavior category. My mother is like this. Never assumes bad intentions no matter how many times she’s been scammed.
I agree. Being surrounded by these types of parents will just make things worse.
My wife and I kept our own names and never asked any of our family about it. None of them even came to the wedding. It’s actually pretty easy
Yea... there's no round table discussion to be had. Just do your thing. If your folks don't support you, fuck em. They sound super shitty. This reads like he knows exactly what he's happy with and willing to do, and any worry is due to his family who are all biased and bigoted.
She is as well. Why her family decided to have an intervention to sort this is weird. Both families need to step back and give them some space.
It's really easy to say that when you haven't been conditioned from the day you were born that your ONLY purpose on this planet is to please your parents and if you don't, you are worthless. \-sincerely, a daughter of a narcissistic mother
From a conservative Chinese family here. Brought up to think nothing matters but pleasing my family. I’m still being told I’m worthless by my mom and her family because I’m in another country and not with my parents to wait on them hand and foot. I’ve learnt to shut everything out. The breaking point was 20 years ago when my mom threatened to burn my birth certificate if I didn’t come back home. Not to mention the mental manipulation “if you love me, you’ll come home”. Sometimes you just have to call their bluff and stand your ground. It’s hard and they will try to make you feel like you’re worse than hitler. But, it needs to be done.
Interesting that his parents have been “walking all over him” his hole life, including now with the name change, and demand that he “grow some balls” by letting them decide against his own wishes.
If he can't make this decision for himself, then he's not ready to get married.
Also, I personally know at least 4 men who changed their last name after marriage. OPs relatives are just unhinged.
So apparently making his own decisions instead of doing what daddy says is the p*ssy move? This dude actually has balls of steel to even consider making this name change, despite the onslaught of abuse he will face from others in addition to his bigoted family. Also why is it so hard to understand the more that you push someone or give them an ultimatum the more likely they are to do the opposite? MAGA daddy just cannot deal. It's going to be so sweet if they take fiancé's name. Oh and also if I didn't completely cut them off and I were him, I absolutely would show up in a dress every time.
Every accusation is a confession with them. They try to act like they're the hardest people in town when they're the most fragile, insecure people imaginable.
Bingo. Daddy probably directly contributes to those higher red state porn consumption rates too.
Its not just higher porn in general, it's their favorite search terms. Nothing wrong with those terms. But when their voting records and jerking records are so diametrically opposed it starts to paint a strange picture.
It's a lot of things, including federal assistance. Exactly, the issue is the hypocrisy.
And they love to spout this nonsense, but don't like it actually practiced. If I were OOP, any time the mom started to argue with me, I would lean to the father and ask him why his woman is talking to me without his permission, or he better keep his woman in check. See how fast their heads swivel when he starts acting the way they claim to want him to act.
Like I’ve told my friends when they teased me about drinking my fancy scotch with ice cubes: “You know how a ‘real man’ drinks his whiskey? However he damn well pleases.”
Haha, maybe the only time I'd be willing to let a no true Scotsman fallacy slide! 😉 I like your fire!!
I think OOP should change his last name to Obama. Might give MAGA dad an aneurysm.
I’m always curious about people worrying their kids are exposed to “liberal shit.” Like if your world view and rhetoric is so weak that it crumbles to simple exposure of another idea then you either never held the belief in the first place or the belief is weak as shit.
If Sesame Street and Mr. Rogers are the antithesis of your beliefs, then your beliefs are stupid and you deserve to be ridiculed by people who aren't sociopaths.
The funny thing is that all these ultra-conservative boomer parents sat us down in front of Sesame Street and Mr Rogers without apparently absorbing the overall messages those shows were conveying. They saw puppets and a conservative-looking older white pastor and figured he’d teach us the same values they had. Oopsie :)
That's malignant narcissism for you. It doesn't have to make any sense whatsoever as long as it achieves their goal of feeling important and getting admiration/attention.
But they are admitting in a round about way that their ideas are bad. I don’t know what conclusion to draw from “I’m afraid my kids won’t follow my ideas if they are exposed to ideas other than my own.” Like I’m a leftist. Do you suspect I have any problem at all dealing with an exposure to conservative ideas? Spoiler, I do not have these problems. I don’t have these problems because I do believe that my rhetoric is stronger and my world view simply makes more sense. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if Ben Shapiro was somehow in a classroom with hypothetical kids of mine because I can argue against his ideology effectively.
Same idea. People who make narcissism part of their core identity go through life latching on to whatever feeds their disorder. No matter how stupid their beliefs are, they would rather stay with the "comfortable" belief and warp reality to fit it than try to change themselves, because they value that feeling of importance more than anything else. The key is that they absolutely do not give a shit about other people. They are constantly making extremely self-centered decisions and setting up their lives to serve themselves only. You can't argue logically with them because you (as a normal human being) have completely different value systems despite living in the same society and culture, or even family in this case.
My father is part of the cult of MAGA and drinks all the Kool-Aid. He is highly educated. Worked for the State/Fed government and retired from it. I went to college, started my own business, worked international trade policy, and partnered in another business that embodies the tenants of his proclaimed gospels, you know, looking after the "least of these." According to him, I am a "flunky liberal sinner with no prospects of heaven." Unloading with both barrels does not describe my reply. Tactical nuclear strike is closer. Also, being the youngest son, I was privy to my brothers' secrets. Let's say that abusers, racists, and more were exposed that day. Family Xmas hasn't happened in years. They were the best ones yet.
I'm not sure what OOP really expected his parents reaction to be or why he even told them. After you sign the paperwork sure, but it just sounds like he's got a deeeeep desperation for approval from them.
Most people’s family problems come from the fact that they think major life decisions require a committee and not just you or you and your partner. I am so happy I figured out independently gray rock as a teenager and not rely on my parents for emotional support. (This was the early 00s kids I didn’t have places to google this shit lol). Now I’m 38 been to therapy and my parents finally figured out I have no issue going months at a time without meaningful communication. They have a lane and they stay in it.
And like you, I also was an intuitive grey rocker from my (even earlier) childhood. The skill (strengthened by boarding school) served me well, but the hypervigilance is still a work in progress.
Exactly. They don't realize it's OK for their elder to be mad at them, and that they're allowed to "ruin the holiday" if all it takes is living your reasonable life.
If OP is reading this and doesn’t mind losing contact, here’s the play: tell dad you’ve thought seriously about everything he said. That you were on the fence, but as you thought over all the arguments pro and con, his opinions were the ones that stick in your mind. You realized that this really isn’t about you or her, but about your future children. Especially if you were to have sons, it would matter whose name they were given. You need to put your kids first. Thinking over all the vile and bigoted things he said, you realized that you would rather not have your children share his name. So you will switch yours.
Nuclear, I like it.
Damn ok. I’ll have to remember that
These types of families are the worse. OP is better off cutting these people out of his life because he is an adult now and doesn't need to worry about their approval or decisions. I won't want to keep contact with families who are racist, homophobia, or just plain manipulative. Extremely conservative individuals can be nasty. Wish OP and the fiancée well.
to be a little mean in ways that may make some redditors clutch their pearls (so viewer discretion applies etc etc?), extremely "conservative" individuals like this not just can be nasty, they are nasty. they joined a cult based around hating people for being poor, not white, not male, not straight, not cis, not Christian (or rather not "Christian" with heavy emphasis on those scare quotes because they don't much pay attention to actual doctrine), not able bodied, not living in a red state, not owning enough guns, not being exactly full of hate like them... the political ideas at this point are based on "i want to hurt them for being not like me". if it were actually about conserving good ideas, there wouldn't be a wholesale adoption of "move fast and break things as long as momentum keeps up". if it were actually about saving money, they wouldn't fight things like free school lunches for kids, because it turns out the red tape for enforcing payments costs more than just streamlining the cooking. if it was about protecting worthy values, they wouldn't be so full of arguments about how various sins are okay when Trump does them. you get the idea. the hate isn't an unfortunate side effect that only happens sometimes. the hate is the point. maybe someday in the past it wasn't, but now? that's the party line. it's what they do. it's the stated goals and aims of the movement. as a disabled person it got pretty obvious during the pandemic when so many of them were happy to tell me to my face that they don't think i deserved to live, because i inherently make the world a worse place by existing while "useless", so therefore if they gave me covid and i died of it they were doing a moral good. ...and then they usually threw hissy fits when i said that i would no longer be friends with them since they think i am better off dead than alive. the hate is the point. it's why we're seeing so many damn talking points lifted directly from fucking Goebbels and other so-called luminaries of the Nazi party. (i am aware of how i have technically violated Godwin's law, but two counter points: 1. Godwin himself said it's suspended in modern discourse when you're talking about the actual goddamn neonazis, 2. it is very applicable when someone is repeating the exact same excuses down to exact same translated *phrases and slogans* about why if you're disabled you should be culled because you are just dragging the fatherland down.) it's not a secret, it's not disguised. it's not drawing abusers as fans by accident. that's literally by design. i think many folks want to pretend this isn't happening because seeing so many people cheerfully go to hate your guts is mindboggling and terrifying both. and sure, some might just be repeating fox news talking points. some, a few, might even listen to reason when they see how someone they know personally is hurt by this. but it's an increasingly small number. those come-to-Jesus moments have arisen by the hundreds due to recent events in the past few years. at some point if you have someone who hears about how filling the border river with hidden traps so that those trying to swim across it to America are injured or killed, and they laugh and celebrate the reports of children's bodies and body parts in the water and loudly proclaim how good they think this is... there's been a leap across some moral event horizon. a political party driven by the desire to abuse other groups for being not-them in increasingly cruel ways, simply because they think people should suffer and die due to immutable qualities of their life (being not white, being not cis, being not straight, etc), is the political party of abusers because *abuse is their political doctrine.* i am sure some luminaries (of the type that said they were going to quit reddit when /the_donald got banned or whatever, i can't be fucked to look up the proper name of the big Trump subreddit that got banned lol) will object to this characterization, but sadly the entire conservative party of the political system in the USA has become not so much little-c-conservative but... reactionary hatred. i will give them a bit more credit if and or when the political party maybe apologizes for going with the casual eugenics "if they die, they die!" strategy, but so far it doesn't seem like many are willing to admit that maybe Rocky movie villains aren't the greatest to have ghost write your public health policy. oh and the rest of the fuckery of course. but i won't be holding my breath. tldr - being the party of abusers isn't a bug, it's a feature
Relate to this so much! During lockdowns I got into FB argument (lame I know ughh) with my cousin about how its sooo unfair that he has to sit at home for 4 weeks for NOTHING. (We live in NZ/Aus just FYI). I clarified that it's not for nothing, it's to protect our vulnerable disabled and elderly people in our communities. Our convo essentially was this: Him: "But why do **I** have to be stuck inside for 4 weeks?? Can't they just stay inside??" Me: "Everyone is stuck inside for 4 weeks, that's the point, so we can get it out of our communities in one fell swoop and because our borders are closed it should be safe for everyone afterwards." Him: "Nah it's stupid, restricting MY freedom is not okay, it's my human right to leave the house and do whatever I want. If they don't want to get sick, they can stay inside while everyone else goes out." Me (trying make him understand): "But if that was the case, they'd have to stay inside and avoid everyone for like, 2 years until we have a vaccine. It's not fair to make our vulnerable people essentially prisoners in their home for 2 years. However, if we all pitched in for 4 weeks, then everyone could be safe until the vaccines are ready." Him: "Then they should stay inside for 2 years, that's their problem, not mine." Me: "Uhmm, you know I'm disabled right? I'm immunosuppressed and therefore at high risk of a serious infection? Are you saying that I have to stay inside for 2 years so you can avoid 4 weeks?" Him: "I believe what I believe. My answer remains the same." Unsurprisingly, we are no longer in contact :)
This take feels the most true to me. When people I know (mostly the upper middle class white people I know) still talk about “reaching across the aisle” my gut is always just FUCK OFF! You don’t try to get through to an abuser. You leave them as far and and fast as you can.
honestly what i keep reminding myself of is the one time i saw my grandfather yell. i was acting up with my cousins on a sleepover, being loud, knowing he had a headache. his change in temperament was a valuable lesson of how sometimes people really mean what they are saying. we have a crop of folks who say that reaching across the aisle was the moral affront that made them become so abominable. and even more that say the most gentle of rebukes along the lines of "wow that's not cool you want me to die" simply forced them to become wannabe domestic terrorists or worse. i'm inclined to take them at their word. trying the same gentle tactics that let them thrive is going to be ineffective. they've forgotten that when you come for us and ours, we can sure as fuck bite back. they've forgotten that if you are a morally repugnant person, you aren't entitled to society fawning over you at the sacrifice of dozens upon thousands of others. not giving a stern rebuke is just going to make it harder for them to learn the boundary of "absolutely not". so... it truly is a case of being cruel to be kind, even if you want to look at it exclusively through the lens of "what about the poor bigots".
Ugh yea. To be honest no one has to change names. It’s not a requirement to get married, but if he wants to change his last name then he is a grown man who can make that decision. Regardless if he changes his name, for his mental health he needs to be done with his parents.
He should change his name just to get rid of them. I have some in-laws that are born-again that can be nigh impossible to converse with, but if they were saying the n-word, they would be out of my life forever. There are right-wingers that you're forced to tolerate but sometimes there's just bad people who have no place in your life.
It is, but I also understand him. I'm lucky enough that my inlaws (who are scarily like these parents) live far away enough that we only see them like once a month, but my husband likes his other family too much to cut his mom out. At that point, it's a "shut up and nod" tactic, and you just learn to tune out the noise. It takes a lot of time - and outside perspective - to learn how to stand up for yourself without losing your agency or even identity. I'm pretty proud of OOP for being this young and yet so strong. It's certainly not easy.
I’ve got a really easy fix for the issue- cut your nasty parents out of your life. Bet it would solve multiple issues.
Move away seems sensible
Whoever has the cooler last name wins
Or the easiest one to spell and pronounce.
We need more last name smooshes. Your last name is Wilson and you last name is McClear? Congratulations, you're the McCilsons. Now let's cut the damn cake
Friends of friends got married with the last names Randall and Pascal. Wedding invitations said "come celebrate the Rascals" which has got to be one of the most badass things I've ever heard.
I may be biased towards this trend because my last name is a cool adjective and it smooshes well with other names.
I have a friend whose last name is a cool noun. Maybe you two should get married.
I must know the cool noun so I can determine if we should spend our lives together
Castle!
Agreed! My last name now is so cool, alone it was ok but together with husbands it’s awesome. I always said I would have fully taken his if his was cooler than mine.
Look if I'm getting married and my partner's last name is something like Fightmaster you bet your ass I'm taking their last name.
Going LC/NC with OOP’s parents might be the best thing for him right now
His dad's right, he needs to grow some balls so he can tell his parents to choke on them.
It always boggles me when people ask stuff like "my partner/parents/friends are holding an unreasonable position. What magic combination of words can get them to see things my way?" None. There is none. They know your point of view. They don't care. They're not changing. There's no magic spell.
I have a friend whose dad was a right piece of shit. He took his wife’s last name, because his father-in-law was more of a father to him than his own father. And I have another friend who had a shit father who married a woman who also had a shit father, so they picked a new last name together, and they both changed their names. And if my family was as shitty as OOPs, I would probably change my name, too. I don’t have a particularly strong attachment to my last name, but it’s easy to say and easy to spell, so I’m still using it,
My parents considered both changing their last names to Jetson....Incidentally they were pot heads
Yes, same. I know three couples who took the wife’s last name because their dad was a piece of shit. One is a lesbian couple who decided not to double-barrel because one wanted nothing to tie her to her dad.
Fellas, is it gay to marry your wife?
It seems to me like the father is already ready to cut him off for something so trivial. I hope OP cuts him out first. The liberation of removing your abuser is a powerful feeling.
American conservatism is just a euphemism for dumb racist.
Honestly with a family like this I'd be taking HER name so they wouldn't reflect on me anymore
Oh man. Isn't it always the people that think gender is fixed and determined genetically who also think everything turns you into a woman. I guess I'm all about family unity, but I don't understand a whole big both sides family meeting on this. I ended up feeling like both OOP and their fiance weren't mature enough for marriage. In the end, taking the wife's name is very non traditional, and you have to be pretty firm in your conviction on this, or you'll end up miserable when nobody approves.
> Isn't it always the people that think gender is fixed and determined genetically who also think everything turns you into a woman. That is the funny part, isn't it? If OP went to his parents and said "I identify as a woman and I'm changing my name to Michelle, she/her pronouns," they would absolutely flip out and argue until they turned blue that he's a man, 100%, forever, and nothing can change that, not wearing dresses or legally changing his name or anything, they will always 100% insist that he's a man. But when he comes to them and says he's changing his name from Smith to Jones their main attack is "ok, you big GIRL, where's your PURSE!?" Like, pick one. >I guess I'm all about family unity, but I don't understand a whole big both sides family meeting on this. Yeah. This is where boundaries come in. OP and fiancee made a decision that honestly only affects them. The parents can either keep their opinions to themselves, or OP and fiancee can decide not to be around people who are going to be abusive and judgmental. A "family meeting" isn't going to accomplish anything; it's not going to change anyone's minds. These kinds of "family meetings" usually just end up with the majority ganging up on the one person who's trying to make an independent decision and pressuring them out of it.
>Isn't it always the people that think gender is fixed and determined genetically who also think everything turns you into a woman. It just strikes me as the most fragile of masculinity... you don't need to stand when you pee to know you're a man, or do certain behaviors defined as "masculine". You don't need to buy male versions of deodorants, shampoos, or soaps, just because they're "manly". You just need to identify as a man. That's it. There's no "scorecard", and people who rely on such a thing rather than their own self are, ironically, the least secure in their gender identity. A new guy friend of mine has a purse, and now I want one. For the sheer joy of saying "Let me pull out my purse" and then stare down anyone who challenges me. I'm a big bearded guy so I can get away with it :)
I'd happily lose my last name to distance myself from such ignorant twats.
I changed my name with marriage as my maiden name was awful and I absolutely had no ties to it other than being born and given the name. My father, absent my whole life, was livid. He would later also be livid my kids also had my husband’s name. Delusional. There’s a reason as an adult I’ve gone entirely NC with the man, this is just one small reason.
Yeah, sure, it's gay for a guy to take the last name of a woman he marries. Sure. Flawless logic. NC is the way.
Fellas is rawdogging a woman gay?
If my horrible family, who are like OOP's but a lot more violent about it, had promised to go NC over *anything* I would've jumped at the chance. (Too bad for me it's threats of grievous bodily harm instead.) OOP: "So you'll really go no-contact if I change my name?" Entire birth family: "Yeah you"
OOP: "Pinky swear?"
I mean, why doesn’t he just go no contact anyway? These hardly sound like people you should want a relationship with. But, it does seem like they are pretty young, so hopefully, he’ll get there.
I feel like their use of the N-word is a bigger problem than how they feel about his last name.
I knew a couple that created their own unique last name. It was nice.
You know I didn’t realize you could do it bc the only significant name change I’ve seen like that was Phoebe on Friends when she became princess consuela banana hammock.
They've just put a pin in the argument. It will start up again when the kids are born (if they want them)
Hot Take; if you're more than 2 years into a career, you shouldn't change your last name. Male or Female.
>According to father though, if we don’t take my last name “he’s done, that’s it” Don't threaten me with a good time.
Neither one of yall have to take the other's name. My wife and I got married and just kept our names. The whole name changing thing is an absolute hassle anyway.
Christ, he needs to cut his losses and move on. If he has kids does he really want the grandparents using the hard R and being openly homophobic around them? Fuck no, if it were my kids they would never see them. No point in drawing this relationship out imo.
>According to father though, if we don’t take my last name “he’s done, that’s it” Don't threaten me with a good time.
Fellas, is it gay to marry a woman? Patriarchy is a helluva drug.
Setting aside the actual story, can someone explain what it means to graduate with a bronze cord? I've never heard of this.
It's something to wear during graduation that shows you got better grades than the rest of your class. I graduated in 2002 and wore a blue stole to show I was in the top 5% of my class, based on grade point average (GPA). This practice varies by location and some schools allow the kids to wear various regalia to show what organizations they participated in, e.g. yellow cords for a national Honor society, red cords for debate club, etc.
Thanks - my high school had NHS and the kids in it got to wear special stoles over their gowns, but nobody else had any particular insignia. (Of course, I'm out of high school for almost thirty years, so the school might be doing things differently now.)
Good lord. Having a family meeting with a cast of thousands to discuss a decision that is solely in the hands of 2 people is stupid. Fiancee's mom is an idiot for *suggesting* that, let alone hosting it. Just make your adult decisions by your adult selves for crying out loud.
fellas, is it gay to love and cherish your wife? because OPs dad sure thinks so 🤦
For a man who seems to be obsessed with being uber manly, the dad sure is acting like a whiny little b*tch.
Literally what my fiancée has been saying
Imagine arguing how women are inferior in so many ways to men *in front of your own wife and also women you barely know*. You might think yourself a Real Man, Dad, but you’re no gentleman, that’s for damn sure.
Oop should do what works best for him and his wife. Because marriage is (hopefully) a long term contract, and your spouse comes before other adults in your life (though not your necessarily before kids). His father can accept it or lose most contact with his child.
Poor guy. Escaping an abusive situation like this is incredibly hard but he must. OP deserves so much better than those toxic and also downright idiotic parents.
So. Friends of mine literally combined their surnames. Not hyphenated. Combined. They BOTH changed their last names to something that represented both of them. And it has worked so well.
I never changed my name. It is a pain in the ass here so I said nope. My professional career is built under my name. Socially I go by my husbands last name but no one even notices.
Im always confused. What are conservatives conserving? I really only see bigotry.
I love how they worry someone is pressuring him into this, and then pressure and bully him into the opposite decision. Like wtf.
So if he ‘wears the pants and grows some balls’ and tells his parents THIS is what I have decided they are not going to be happy. He’s only supposed to stand up for their ideals not against.
Your parents may think they’re strong. Your father may think he’s a tough guy. In reality they’re two timid souls who are terrified of the outside world. It sucks to have a break with family, but something that’s the only way to have a happy adult life. You and your fiancée have the right to choose your family name. Your parents may not like that, but it’s none of their business.
Why is he even still in contact with these repulsive bigots? If my parents said any of that about LGBTQ people or minorities that'd be it. I'm gone.
“How dare you let your fiancée walk all over you, doesn’t she know that’s my job?!“ - OOP’s dad, probably.
Jesus. I'm not even related to these people, and I wanted to go NC with them halfway through the update. Just... Change your name to what you want and change your phone number too while you're at it, OOP.
Why does anyone need to change their names in this day and age? It's a pain in the ass and we're not each other's property. My wife kept her name, I have mine. We are a family nonetheless.
The way his parents are behaving is his best reason to drop their name.
They'll be needing to cut them off from any children anyway so...
Poor guy needs therapy to tackle his childhood (imo he has a trauma but I don't want to armchair diagnosis) and hopefully learn how to stand up to his parents and get the sort of relationship with them that he wants, or none if thats what he wants His parents are awfully oldschool, hell when my mom got married to her ex he took her name and even kept it after they split. I think he changed his last name to the wife's he got at a later time 🤔 Bet hypernating the name won't be good enough for his folk either, honestly I hope they end up deciding to go with her name. To get away from his family/the feeling that he chooses them himself, to help with letting her name live on since he has siblings for his name if he wants to to continue and to really give the father a f**k finger that he has no right to decide what his grown up son should do
Good grief. So much misogyny in this family. "According to father though, if we don’t take my last name “he’s done, that’s it” so there’s a joy." I hope OP holds his father to that promise.
So....why do you talk to these people?
Maybe the father was right. He does need to "grow some balls" and tell dad to STFU and its not his business
The Dad throughout this sounds like the weakest human being known to man. I'd just take up the invitation he is laying out and go "no contact". For his mental health and his family's -- the parents need to go. Hell at this point in the story if the Dad is going hard "R" then I'm changing my name period. Because I don't want to get a call from a news organization asking me for comment on "the recent events involving your father".
>“need to grow some balls” Congratulations to the OOP, it sounds like he did!
Given his birth year his parents are probably my age or close to it. They suck and are ignorant because I kept my maiden name when I got married 33 years ago. Oh there was a bit a pearl clutching from some family members but after a year or so no one really cared anymore. Other couples I knew getting married at the same time hyphenated names or took the more traditional route with the woman changing her name and one or two had the male changing his name. So it's nothing new or alien, the parents are just conservative assholes.
Whenever I read about families like OOP's that go "do what we want or we'll cut you off" my thought is always "And that's a bad thing *because...*?" OOP's family doesn't have to like his decision. Contrary to his update, they don't even have to respect it. They do, however, have to abide by it unless they have some way of controlling OOP that he actually cares about. Also, for all their talk of OOP having no balls and needing to get his pants back, I'm sure they'd have no issue with him being utterly submissive to *them*.
My dad occasionally talks about how much he wishes he'd tried harder to make me "understand" politics. I've always been politically involved but one of the underpinnings of my politics is "don't be an asshole". Not long ago I told him that was why I could never have been a republican no matter how hard he tried and his head almost blew up as he pictures himself as a kind, jovial, Santa-like misogynistic racist.
Guys, is it gay to marry a woman?
When I was a preteen and I announced to people that I wasn’t going to change my name when I got married, I got people telling me I was contributing to the destruction of society by making genealogy harder and I got people lying and telling me it was against the law to not change my name. But at least I didn’t get called gay. (Fellas, is it gay to marry a woman?) My extended family still addresses letters to me with my husband’s last name instead of mine… but I guess I should be grateful they didn’t pull this shit.
My family was saying the same thing with the genealogy thing. They didn’t tell me it was against the law but my father said and I quote “I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible somewhere” is defense of me not changing my last name so yeah
Lol great logic there. “I’m pretty sure it’s in the Bible, that I haven’t read.”
Stalling out at "my fiancée and I were born in 2000" gonna go process that for.. an hour or two
Sounds like a case of the trash taking itself out. "If you aren't terrible like me then I'm leaving!"
What a nice update! How ironic that his family is saying he's not a man if he takes his wife's name, but want him to act like a child that can be bullied into compliance. There's nothing more manly than a man who's confident in his decisions and isn't too bothered by other people's opinions.
Hope OP goes no contact and comes to update with parents having a meltdown. There is no stronger hate than Christian love
You may want to tell your father that in past history depending on a woman’s status, the husband would take her last name instead. If her status was higher, then he took her family name. Tell your dad he should look it up. Sorry your family is so toxic.
Take her last name, and go NC with your family. Go full burned bridge with those losers.
JFC OPs family is next level toxic... Living in the US changing your last name is a PAIN. Like so annoying and time-consuming. My husband and I discussed it and at the time he told me he didn't care if I kept my maiden name, hyphenated, or took his name. My MIL had told him previously that "If a woman won't take your name she won't get your ring." Welp, when he told her I was either keeping my name or hyphenating all she said was "Okay whatever you both choose." Why? Because she's not an asshole and realized that her values don't have to be ours. God... OP should do whatever they want and if the trash takes itself out, so be it.
lolling at how OP’s one example of how they’re liberal is that they own a novelty t-shirt
Sounds like OOP needs just to go NC with his parents. Seriously. I don’t see any positive influence they could have in his life at this point.
I do hope the OOP makes the the decision based on what makes *him* and his *fiancée* happy. Trying to make other people happy usually ends up in disappointment. Taking your wife's last name just means you love her and respect her. Hell, the way his parents are acting I'd take her name just to distance myself from them.
This is going to end in no contact. I know a family that viewed their middle daughter as defective because she didn't immediately believe in and do everything her parents wanted. Pretty sure she's no contact now.
They need to leave their toxic notions about masculinity and gender roles in the 50s
I mean… his parents honestly don’t need to know he’s legally changed his name. There’s a history of the name change so if they send him something in the post as long as the address is correct it changes nothing. Banks don’t really care what you put in account holder name - unless something goes wrong - account number are the main part. And my aunt uses my last name more than anyone else in my family because she signs my pay checks. Honestly how often to parents actually need to write your legal name?
>My fiancées mother had the idea of sitting us all down to talk it out and make sure we were all on the same page. Included in there talks were my fiancée and I, my mother and father, fiancées mother, and my maternal grandparents. WTF are all these PEOPLE involved in TWO ADULTS' lives and decisions??? Look, y'all. If you're getting married, you don't NEED your parents' approval for anything you and your future spouse decide.
No need for future conversations. That sounds like a "text only" relationship.
I think this is chat gpt generated text. It feels so artificial.
Lmao dude should take HER last name
What do you gain by keeping these people in your life? I would have gone NC a long time ago.
Hope he will be okay
his parents are just embarrassing themselves smh
Fellas, is changing my name because I’m marrying a woman gay? —OOP’s dad, probably
When my daughter got married she didn’t feel an urgency to change her name, didn’t seem to have strong feelings one way or the other, was just kind of putting it off bc it’s paperwork and kind of a pain. Her grandpa in law kept asking when she was changing her name, to the point of pestering her every time they saw each other. Not sure but I think her mother in law got in on it too. This pretty much cemented her decision to keep her last name lol. Not sure what they’ll do if they have kids, none of my business, and who cares? Honestly, what difference does it make? It’s such a silly issue.
He should take her name.
When I was younger a future wife taking my last name seemed important. Now that I'm pushing 40 and engaged, I honestly can't be assed. I'm not changing my name, she can do whatever she wants. I've suggested we mash our last names together because one variation sounds like banana, but she said no. :(
A family meeting to discuss their names? Cut the cord on both families. That should not be a matter of debate with anyone. How odd that the family deems it necessary to call a meeting for something that has nothing to do with them.
He needs therapy to have it reinforced by another that he is an adult and can make his own decisions. It can be really weird when you’ve been controlled all your life to realize you’re not your parents clone. You’re your own person.
Why would you keep “people” like that in your life?
I know it's shitty because he doesn't want any more drama and stress but I honestly really want to see him take her last name instead as an extra "fuck you" to his shitty parents. He doesn't seem emotionally stable to handle the fall through of that decision though
My father was going to take my mother’s last name when they were getting married. His mother didn’t care. He had three brothers and his father sucked. My grandfather was his best friend. My father WANTED to change his last name. The courts gave such a hard time he never did I know he regrets it to this day. Why? He said as much on his 75th birthday to me when we were having drinks. There is confrontation… OP made the decision. It’s not up for argument
My wife and I combined our last names and made a new one.
My (26f) and my partner (28m) are both hyphenating our names. So our last name with be his name-my name and we will both have the same name as our kids. This dude’s parents are super fucking weird
Take whatever name you want. Doesn’t affect me at all. See, wasn’t that easy, conservative reditors? It’s not that hard to be a non-asshole, just mind your own fucking business.
His father is a toxic POS and the best thing for OOP to do is go NC.
Where I got married (Minnesota), the time to decide on last names was when applying for our marriage license. We had to declare what each of our full legal names would be. When the license is filed, that accomplished the legal name change. Then the marriage certificate we received served as legal documentation of the name change. It's not like we couldn't have changed it after that, but it would have then required another legal filing and fee.
OP should go NC and then disown his parents. Two can play this game, it's just that OP can play it better.
Changing his last name doesn't mean she wears the pants, it just means his parents are assholes and he doesn't want to be associated with them. If he tells them that it should make it all better lol.
There’s zero reason to try to maintain a relationship with bigots, regardless of how closely related to you they are. Sorry man. But it’s not your fault, your doing, or your job to fix them.
I know people know combine their last names. It seems cool.
Just a shout into the aether here to anyone who reads this: You don't *owe* your parents *anything* once you're a legal adult. At that point, both of you have fulfilled your parts of the social contract. If you *want* to be kind to them there's nothing wrong with that; but if they make your life miserable, you are 1000% within your rights to tell them to go fuck themselves and never look back.
These are the parents who say "why don't my kids ever call?". Or "they won't let me see my grandkids"
I would be so tempted to say that "Yes, I have grown some balls and you may now flip off permanently". Some people are just horrible.
My family had only girls for like 20 years after my dad was born, one of my sister's got married to a man who took her name. He's closer to my parents than his own (messy family with a lot of kids), so it felt right to them and now the name keeps going. If it bothered his parents they kept their mouths shut and supported his decision.
Sometimes the trash tries to take itself out, and people force the trash to stay in their house. These parents are awful not only as parents but as human beings and anyone's life would be improved by their absence.
Holy toxic masculinity, Batman! It’s okay to not like your birth family. You are under no obligation to do what they want when it clearly conflicts with your own worldviews.
OP did not say anything positive about his parents that he would miss out if he goes LC or NC. This won't be the last of their toxic and controlling ways. Imagine if they decide to have kids.
Some people are really stupid about last names, bless their hearts. My father only wanted sons and let me know that I was unworthy of his last name, as was my sister. Our brother, the only one to carry on the last name (our branch, anyway) changed it because he was tired of having to spell it and putting up with jokes about it. So Father ended up with four grandsons and none of him carry his last name. My late father-in-law, in spite of me taking my husband's last name (for obvious reasons - see above), got it into his pretty little head that I was going to insist on giving our children my maiden name. Our son is the only one who carries that last name on that branch, but since my husband has forty-plus cousins, he is not the only one. We have a friend who can trace their history back to a relative of one of the Founding Fathers of the US and more than once, told their son that he was an embarrassment to the family name. Kid is extremely intelligent, but uninterested in sports or anything that the parents can use to make themselves look better. Pretty sure the son is going to take his future wife's name if he ever gets married. It is a name, nothing more, nothing less. No need to get your panties in a twist.
Toxic parents are gonna suddenly turn around when they have kids, especially if they have a son. Hope he's planning on giving the kids her name too.
His dad keeps saying he's done as if people would miss his selfish judgemental personality.
My sister used to kind of agree with anybody and then just go off and do her thing. It seemed to work for her.
OOP realize your father and grandfather think about gay men so much the only way for them to feel better is to try to insult other men by calling them disgusting names for female genitalia.
He should definitely go no contact, for the sake of his own and his fiancée's mental health. I totally get the part about going shaky during confrontations and arguments, I'm like that myself.
Zach Weinersmith merged his and his wifes last name