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The poor child. Their father missed their birthday because he stayed up too late playing video games. Their mom is in jail. This kid has a struggle ahead of them. I hope the grandparents are taking better care of this child than the parents.
And how tf do you miss a flight the following day because you were playing video games? He overslept?? How does that even happen? Like can he seriously not wake up to an alarm? If you don’t even have your shit together enough to wake up on time for a flight you paid for, you should not be in a relationship, let alone taking over custody of a child. You desperately need therapy and time management skills.
Yep! I know myself and I know I'm a deep sleeper who alarms will not rouse unless I've gotten at least 6h of sleep, so if I have a super early flight, I pull an all-nighter. People give me shit for it but it's still taking responsibility.
>wake up on time for a flight you paid for
OP paid for it, she gifted him the miles :/
Nothing is the child 's fault. The probably wish they were never born. Regardless how screwed up the natural parents are, the child just needs someone to love and care for them.
I'm skeptical they're even in the kid's life as much as OOP says....if they live on the other side of the country how much were they really involved in this kid's life
“Pet” is good. I was thinking mediocre employee she supervises and has some affection for, but mostly just tolerates while building resentment. I cannot imagine living like this.
Yeah I felt super attacked by the bit
>Untreated and fairly severe ADHD.
>Not the "occasional forgetfulness" and the "having trouble focusing kind"
>But the kind that comes along with emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, addiction, hyperfixation to the point of self-neglect, etc.
Cause that all definitely applies to me. But then kept going and realized I would never forget a kid, I can get up for flights, I live alone and manage my whole life by myself, and I've held down a very high-stress, high-visibilty tech job for over 10 years now. So I guess I could be doing a lot worse xD.
I still don't wish myself on a partner.
I have ADHD (and a lot of other issues.) I nearly failed school for years until I got on meds (briefly - the side effects weren't worth it) and then in grade 11 and 12 had straight As. If left alone I sleep 14+ hours a day and then am manic for the rest of the time. I have a hair trigger from fine to furious and can't handle anger productively.
I would NEVER treat a kid like this!! EVER! Being an adult means finding coping mechanisms so you're not taking your issues out on children.
(Also I'm child free and single by choice but that's really irrelevant here. If saddled with a kid you can bet I would be a better parent than this dude.)
We really don't know if we could have handled a kid had we had them. I don't think I could. I mean, I think the kid would be alive, but my life would be in shambles. That means the kid would be suffering somehow. I live as stress free as possible, because I can't handle anything else.
I make for an excellent aunt. I love buying my niece gifts, I love going out with her, I love reading to her and teaching her things. I even loved feeding her and putting her to sleep, even if it took 40 minutes of rocking and singing. But I really, really love giving her back to her parents, because I get to be a zombie for a few days after.
Adhd is no joke. I have so few damn spoons. My 2 cats are almost too much responsibility sometimes.
I forget if it's a side effect of the ADHD or the Tism, where I gotta be up and prepared HOURS before is truly necessary, when it comes to crucial items like flights, special events, etc. but I can't imagine completely sleeping through get up time and missing a flight. Just thinking about it makes me feel ick.
Same here! My brain is like, "Going somewhere tomorrow? Great, have these nightmares about oversleeping that keeps you up and means you wake up 2+ hours before you needed to!"
Then I end up exhausted while traveling. I think the worst time was when I was living in PA and had to pack my entire apartment into my car and then drive back to Massachusetts when the Covid shutdowns kicked in. I spent the whole time I was packing just about shaking bc I was scared I was going to get trapped hours away from home. (I was out of state for a work assignment)
Got back home to MA, turned on the news, and found out the same time I'd been cutting through NYC on the interstate, the national guard had been rolling into NYC and shutting it all down.
There's a big difference between having to deal with these issues (which are a twist of fate) and choosing to ignore the issues. If you're dealing with this stuff but still able to do everything you mentioned, then you've created systems to help you live your life the way you need to. Medication isn't the only solution for ADHD, but refusing treatment and also efforts to make positive change are a big part of the issue for OP's husband.
My best friend is married to someone with ADHD and over the years they've put in a lot of work to try to build a life together. My friend doesn't have to manage him, and these systems have made them both happy. He didn't want to be medicated, and it hasn't been an issue.
Ah, yeah, that's basically me too. I know what I'm like and nobody should have to deal with this full time.
Oddly enough seem to have found myself a relationship to match. I've got cats, he's allergic to cats. He's caretaker for his elderly mother and she's very much not a fan of me. But we're both so busy anyhow that we're just happy to catch a half hour to chat between running to do this and that.
A pet she doesn't give a shit about if it goes away and never comes back.
I don't understand this woman or her life motivations at all: He had a child when he cheated on me but I find him entertaining and I love him though I don't respect him at all, I think very little of him as a person and I wouldn't lose any sleep if we got divorced.
This is all kinds of screwed up and contradictory
She’s a sugar mama but has him work to cover his own living expenses. Not a full blown sugar baby, but I think it’s close enough to be in that category. You’d think he’d realize being the pool boy married to a rich woman is about as good as it could possibly get for him but apparently he’s too dumb to understand his role (cute, loyal, do as she orders).
What's to not get? He is a source of daily fun for her, and she can feel comfortable around, who she can easily detach from if he crosses one of her lines
She me people can't see past their own nose when it comes to a perception of a fulfilling relationship. This one doesn't feel all that healthy or satisfying but it clearly works for her (and him apparently?)
I’ve learned that a lot of people consider having a partner in and of itself an accomplishment. Hardly matters with who or if the relationship is beneficial to their life. Don’t know how old they are but if they were married for 10 years, possibly 30s at the youngest, and a lot of people would rather keep with the relationship they have than try to deal with being alone or trying to make a new relationship at that age.
Not gonna lie, I’ve had a couple of those relationships. They lasted years and I was not unhappy. There’s something to be said for a Tamagotchi who makes you smile.
He makes an awesome pet, right up until she has a medical issue requiring a trustworthy adult to assist her or make decisions. Then she realizes she would have been better off with a nice cat and a trustworthy friend group.
Heck, she *likes* it that way. If she can stand her ground about the child, she could do the same for therapy. "Either you get therapy or we get divorced."
Therapy and medication took me from op's spouse to actual responsible adult over the last 2 years, and that was with a meh therapist.
Now, I'm still a mess and definitely need stronger meds but at least my baseline is above unmedicated and my therapist has suggested we only meet once a month now when it used to be every week(we have been meeting twice a month for about a year now.
She wouldn't be the first person who's watched one too many episodes of "The Simpsons" and has decided she's married to Homer despite there being absolutely no evidence to that effect.
FR. For all of Homer’s failures, he makes enough money to support Marge and the kids. They aren’t rolling in the dough, but they own a single family home in a decent neighbourhood. They were able to afford whatever program got Lisa her tenor sax.
Sure, Marge does 100% of the management of home and finances. But Homer at least brings *something* to the table. And he stays at a job he hates because it’s what provides for his family.
He's also not the worst father. Marge is clearly the stronger parent, but Homer is often shown spending time with the kids, taking them places, being there for them when they're upset, etc. It's also cannon that he sacrificed his dream job of working in a bowling alley so that they could afford to have Maggie.
He also genuinely and truly loves Marge. Whatever else is true on that show, it's shown time and again that Marge and Homer have a strong, loving relationship and that they'll do what it takes for one another.
You have to consider the show in the context of how it was first conceived. It really wasn't anything like as difficult for a single-income family to afford a house like that (and in any case, they were able to afford the house by persuading Homer's dad to sell his house).
The whole point of Homer as a character is basically nothing he does ever works out quite right.
This is exactly right. The Simpsons aren't a three child family with a standalone home and a homemaker mother because Homer is competent, they are that way because someone with a high school education could do that in the 80s (and it's a sitcom lol)
This was lampshaded in the episode "homers enemy", where the genius college graduate orphan Frank Grimes, who was smarter, talented, and better than Homer in every way couldn't afford Homer's lifestyle. 80's Simpsons could conceivably afford their lifestyle, by the 90s you needed a degree and more and more story contrivances were added to make the arrangement work. Homer's dad sold his house for a down payment, Flanders own the house and he's the reason they can afford it despite being bad tenants, etc.
What started out as a gentle yet recogniseable parody of American family life has become a completely unbelievable depiction without anything fundamental changing,
He couldn't manage to catch a flight she'd given him miles points for and then couldn't afford one on his own. Seems like her estimation in that area is correct.
He generates no diapers, doesn't keep her awake at night crying, she doesn't have to do the daily work of raising a child into a decent human being, she doesn't have to be in charge of his social life... a perpetual man child is less work than a real child. Especially if they are willing to do housework. While do have to teach a child chores, it is a teaching process.
Weird seeing on person (the wife) apparently dominate every part of the relationship and have every reason to cut the cheating husband loose but won't.
I dont understand how having a child during an affair isn't a instant end to a marriage unless the married couple has a child of serious financial entanglement.
You nailed it. She keeps him around cause knowing he is such a loser makes her feel good over how superior to him she is.
Funny thing is he massively humiliated her and yet she is doing backflips to defend him. Guess she is not that superior after all and honestly, thank goodness they both are still together and child free, cause at least they are not ruining more people with their shittyness.
One in which she has all agency and he can't seem to pull his head out of his ass. Whether or not they get divorced is irrelevant to me. My heart aches for that poor child.
The grandparents might be ok. I know the mother didn't turn out well, but that's not always the parents' fault. Teens can fall into a bad crowd and then follow that flow into worse issues. Or she went to college/workforce and got caught up in drugs. Who knows? Her failures may not have steemed from her parents' failures.
Guy who wants a "bang mommy" successfully found a woman who's happy to have a "bang pet"? Honestly, it seems like it's kinda working for them, other than the whole "she hates kids and he went and made one" bit.
Some people don’t need a partner who fulfills their every need, because they fulfill most their needs themselves. It’s actually a really healthy mindset to not feel like you *need* your partner to be all these different people for you.
I’ve seen poly people explain how much pressure and difficulty it can be to put all of your relationship needs into a single person as a way to explain why ethical non-monogamy works for them, where different partners fulfill different needs, instead of requiring a jack-of-all-trades. But instead of needing 2-3 partners to meet her desired style of relationship, she needs like half a partner, haha.
She wants a husband who makes her laugh and that she has fun with, nothing more. She can fulfill the other aspects of her life herself. I don’t see a problem with it generally.
Seriously. This is not even close to the most unhealthy romantic relationships in my opinion. She knows what she wants out of it. She is ready to cut ties if the relationship doesn’t fit those parameters. What a satisfying relationship is is different to different people. Just because this doesn’t look like the average ideal doesn’t mean that it couldn’t work out for her in a way she sees fit. It’s more her partner that is not being honest with himself about what he wants and is capable of that’s the issue here. If he doesn’t let that impact what he does to make it worthwhile to her so much as to push it into the red, why should she divorce him.
She doesn't want an adult relationship. She wants someone to talk to when she's bored, a date to parties, and maybe some dick when she's in the mood. But she wants absolute control of the rest of her life, the female equivalent of a 1950s husband. He's just there to be pretty.
You know... I think you have it here. It sounds awful, from my perspective.
If I get a trophy husband I want to be able to show him off-- he should be accomplished in an Austenian sense-- a little piano, a little embroidery, dab hand at household budgeting. And this one is basically a man child.
But if he's pretty and fun and you're not planning to have kids and your house is secure and your job is secure and you have lots of friends... I guess happy lives have been built on less.
Both my wife and I did stints where the other made all the money and one of us would cook, clean, plan activities, and work out a ton.
It's fun for a couple of months. After that, you see something you want to buy or do and feel like you have to ask for permission like a child.
It's not that either of us ever denied each other something, as long as it's within reason. You just become very cognizant that that is money you didn't earn and don't feel entitled to it.
Maybe other people see it differently, but both of us are far too independent to not feel like we are contributing fairly.
The husband only worked part time before she made him get another job to pay his child support, so it doesn’t sound like he cares about equal contribution.
He refuses to be medicated. She gave him therapy info he hasn’t followed up on. When he wanted to go on the trip she paid for his plane ticket and washed his clothes. It’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s that she refuses to be a parent for a grown-ass adult man. Kind of seems like the ‘tough love’ you might give a child living at home too late into adulthood, when you’re trying to support them without enabling them.
Yeah, I've only ever bought my music gear and other toys out of the checking account that's funded money from my paycheck. It would feel weird otherwise, even if my wife's account had plenty of money in it.
We've been trading off who has a job for logistical reasons (both on short term contracts until fairly recently, when new job usually meant new country). We'd been married about 5 years before we both had a job. That first month of two paychecks was fucking glorious.
It never bothered me, I saw it as "our" money all the time. But my husband struggled with it being "my" money when he was unemployed, even though he was doing all of the housework and cooking and everything (my job was stupid hours in the early days of marriage).
Oh gosh! I have that trophy husband! He can bake, sew, crochet, knit, brew beer, grow vegetables, make cheese. On top of that he is kind, generous, compassionate, gentle, and makes me laugh like a loon daily.
Especially if she is a little, or a lot, uptight I can see him bringing fun and spontaneity into her life as being enough for her. She helps keep him grounded and handles the adult stuff he would be a trainwreck at dealing with, he makes her less dower and brings fun and playfulness into her life. Not what most people want, but not a shitty trade off.
she absolutely mothers him though. I know what it’s like to live with someone with that severe of ADHD. and you have to constantly remind them of everything all the time. she also said that she handles all the finances and takes care of the dog. I am just positive that she manages a lot of his executive functions so he can seem like a functioning adult. it’s why he didn’t go on the plane- she wasn’t there to wake him up and remind him.
This is precisely it. And maybe it's horrible for the husband but lowkey I think OOP is iconic for this.
She knows what she wants. She knows what she doesn't want. She has been explicitly clear with him about her expectations. She's told him that if he doesn't want the same things then he's welcome to leave. She's helped him with his budget. She's letting him be the sits on his ass gamer guy but she's also forcing him to pull his weight financially. And she's not letting his shit interfere with her life.
I wanna have a 1 hour conversation with this woman about how she handles office politics because I think she'd have some amazing advice and stories. Truly a master of "not my circus not my monkeys."
Yeah, I can't see anything wrong for how her views are sincerely.
I see a ton of people being argumentative about her relationship, but it seeings really clear cut, they do get everything they want from each other even if it's not standard or common.
Sure the problems presented are big, but it's up to OP's husband to solve not her.
I have a friend who is also married to a man-child like op's husband. She says that she is happy with him because she can focus on her career and has a fun partner. Idk, i guess we each have different strokes. I mean, personally i couldn't live with a guy like that, but ... whatever floats their boat.
Yeah like if you've got pre-nuptual secured assets and no plans on kids, I don't really see why you shouldn't marry a himbo/neurodivergent person? The set up is unconventional so most people in this thread aren't liking it but I can't see where anyone is doing anything wrong.
I'm in the same place mentally, which is why I'm not dating currently. Got sucked into emotionally abusive relationship because emotionally absent people were all I knew. Felt good because it felt familiar
Until I out-matured him, stood up for myself and left. But the shit I went through on the way there ... there are multiple point where I think "why did you tolerate that?"
The answer is I was in the fog. Bought right into the illusion of control ("if I communicate better he'll be nicer to me and the problems will be solved" - as if I were responsible for his thoughts)
I once found myself explaining to the cops that I must've been walking heavy on my way to the kitchen to make coffee because the screaming argument that got them called in started when husband came roaring out of the bathroom going on about my negative vibes right after I woke up.
Few years later I got ahold of the police report. It explained that I was basically being held against my will in a back bedroom but was too daffy to recognize it as a crime. The cop wrote down that they were putting in these extra notes so I'd have a paper trail if I ever woke up and tried to get out.
Being controlled at that level felt so normal I didn't even realize it was happening, and actually thought I was in control of most of the household matters. Grew up with parents who demanded control of everything from the length of my hair to the expression on my face. Didn't find husband throwing things at me odd because well dad did that too.
This:
>I don't trust him to look after the dogs by himself.
And this:
>He is fun to be around, but not reliable.
Guy sounds like a nightmare to live with honestly. Cheats straight in the marriage, and is not stable enough to look after dogs. I hope OP gets herself help, because she's obviously got some self-confidence issues if she sees this guy as husband material.
That commentor has it right. She's not doing herself any favours.
This is it.
I don’t understand how someone could feasibly convince themselves to marry someone who is “fun” but not reliable.
Is it money? Sex? Why stay with this person when he cheats on you???
Different people look for different things in their lives. Some marry people who they’re not super into because they’re reliable and provide them with what they need. I think that’s very common. Some marry people who are fun and make their lives better but don’t rely on them - that isn’t anything strange.
Sounds like one of my partners. I love him, we have a lot of fun together but I wouldn't even date him if I were monogamous and looking for marriage. Having said that if this dude brings OOP joy to her life and the imbalance in the relationship works for her, then why not.
And it's great to see someone expressing clear boundaries, holding them, and being ready to follow through with the consequences of pushing/crossing them.
The big, major, unignorable reason I see here is that your husband has the power to make MAJOR medical decisions if you lose the ability to do so yourself for any reason (see: unconscious, out of your own mind). For your situation it’s no big deal since (and I assume) you aren’t married to that person. Since OOP is legally tied to him, he’s legally tied to her too and if she won’t trust him with dogs….
That probably doesn't even occur to a lot of people. You're right about it. It's a fair point. Those who do think about it plan for such eventualities.
We'll never know if OOP is the type to have planned or not. Depending on jurisdiction, an advanced directive could have her own wishes set in stone. Or, she could have given someone she trusts, enduring power of attorney for medical matters. Or, he'll just get overwhelmed in an emergency or serious medical condition and completely ignore it or leave. Or, she lives a long and healthy life where the issue never arises.
If I’d waited for my ex to file I’d still be married 8 years later. And he’s the one that fucked up big time. No way I was waiting around for him to get his shit together.
Yeah, that just seems like a perfectly aimed foot-shot. She owns the house and has a prenup that says it remains her separate property if they divorce, so she thinks that gives her all the control. But the reality is that he's an established resident, and he doesn't have a lease that prohibits him having guests, even long-term ones.
He would be entirely within his rights to ignore her, move the kid in, and refuse to initiate a divorce. If that persists because she insists he be the one to file, the kid might even become an established tenant. It would be on her to divorce him and evict them, a process that he could make very slow and expensive.
Except she knows him enough to know that he didn’t want the kid, he just didn’t want the guilt of not wanting the kid. He was 100% not going to raise that kid, and her being the bad guy and putting her foot down just let him give himself mental permission for what he already wanted to do.
The assumptions being made about the grandparents are insane. They can’t control their grown child, and plenty of good parents have a kid who turns out to be a fuckup. I know a family where three of the kids are a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer and the fourth is a drug addict in and out of jail, what should we conclude about those parents?
Thank you, I was looking for this. That comment sounds like it came from someone very young or a person lucky enough to not have seen what addiction and mental health struggles can cause in an individual and family.
We (I) conclude that all parents do the best they are capable of - and some aren’t capable at all- and that kids come with their own personalities and what’s best for one kid, isn’t best for another and it’s literally luck of the draw if kid(s) and parent(s) “match” to produce a healthy adult.
Parents aren’t raising kids- they are raising adults, often when they aren’t developed adults themselves- so nobody does it perfectly for the kid(s) they have.
Some kids have fantastic parents- and grow up to be fuck ups. Some kids have shit parents and grow up to be amazing… we can’t pick our parents, we can’t pick our kids, and we can’t pick our own brains to respond a specific way to experiences. We just live. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes we take responsibility and fix ourselves, sometimes we don’t (or can’t)
Living is weird like that
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see this. It's exactly that. She talks a big game but she'd rather die than be single. She's latched onto this manbaby mess for dear life because of it and she's going to update years from now when he leaves her for the affair baby mama or someone else from a dating app. Like clockwork.
OOP said that husband has untreated serious ADHD, so he didn’t sabotage his own trip, missing it is par for the course. It’s why he probably shouldn’t have sole custody of a… 3 year old?
Yeah, I'm giving the guy some side eye for that. I was married to a man with serious untreated ADHD, too. Then mine got a diagnosis. Now he's *treating* his ADHD. Why hasn't this guy done something about his?
As someone with ADHD myself (but only diagnosed and in treatment recently), I thought to myself "Why isn't he getting treatment?".
But he DOES seem to have a drug history and the usual ADHD meds like MPH and Amphetamine might be a problem for an (former) addict.
Interestingly enough, drug abuse (certain drugs) quite often is a form of self-medication for undiagnosed (and therefore not being aware of the problem and that some drugs just simply make persons with ADHD function better) persons with ADHD.
Because he doesn't have a problem. Everything serious is taken care of by mommy, as long as he provides some finances from his part time jobs which he somehow can keep.
Retail isn’t bad for an ADHD person at all. If it paid well, I’m sure more of us would want to do it. You’re constantly on the move, can get into a flow/hyperfocus on stuff like stocking or seeing customers, and the tasks don’t require much executive function. The only real downside is the rejection sensitivity with bad customers.
I can see how he can keep two part time retail jobs.
If bartending wasn’t such a death trap, I’d probably still be doing it. Lots of short instructions with cash as the reward. I had a great time, but my finances didn’t.
She mentioned addiction history and two part-time jobs.
Maybe there's just enough friction in trying to convince a doctor to medicate that he can't follow through.
Honestly, it's bullshit either way. If they won't give you stimulants there's other options. But it's clear OOP is 100% dedicated to not being responsible for helping with the doctor, so he's not going to get an assist there. If I get the dynamic, she probably drew a line after making all the arrangements for his rehab and said "never again".
There are non-stimulant meds, and they work for some, and for others to some extent. He would benefit from any help, frankly, he has no ability to survive on his own. He probably is able to hold those jobs under the sheer panic of knowing if he doesn't, he will lose everything.
On top of that, actually getting treatment for mental health is such a slog, even if you manage to find good doctors. I've been to 11 different people over the last decade and the majority of them actually told me they didn't think I need any help.
I think the kid is like 7 or older. The OOP said they've been married for 9 years, he had an affair shortly after they were married, and he was sued for child support 3 years ago.
Leaving a condition you know you have untreated IS self-sabotage. If a diabetic didn’t take their insulin, would you say that it’s just part of their condition and that seizures (or whatever happens- losing a foot? Idk) are just par for the course?
I get that it’s an executive dysfunction. But that doesn’t absolve responsibility. It’s not like he suddenly developed adhd over night.
And everyone inherited one as well. Meanwhile, I don't know anyone who has inherited a house or doesn't have a mortgage. It's weird how normal it is in these BORUs. Or maybe it's an American thing (I'm not American).
It's not common in America, either - but it gets around the "how the hell can someone in their 20s afford a house?" or "where do you expect to live?" etc. problems that pop up with the cost of housing as high as it is these days.
Why even get married? If all you want is companionship, you don’t have to legally bind yourself and your finances to someone. Sounds like this guy is an active liability to OP’s financial well-being.
I love my fiancé but I certainly wouldn’t marry him if he wasn’t capable of functioning on his own, let alone in a partnership.
She keeps saying that she loves him, but she just sounds so resentful. And he sounds like he could use a bunch of therapy or meds.
I can't imagine life like that. Neither seems to want to move, one way or another.
“emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, addiction, hyperfixation to the point of self-neglect, etc.”
See, my ADHD has caused a lot of this too (though I’m not impulsive at all)…which is why I learned coping measures while on meds after being diagnosed as a kids, and am back on meds now. I can’t imagine making someone take care of me in full unhealthy ADHD mode (even without meds I’m rarely there specifically because I worked hard to learn how to manage it in other ways as well). And I can’t imagine staying with someone like that who refuses any kind of treatment at all.
>Let's just say I am not surprised that someone from "his crowd" ended up in jail.\
Uhhhhh
>I would never have kids with him (in some alternate universe where I wanted them)
>I don't trust him to look after the dogs by himself.
He has executive functioning issues. Like, kind of severe ones.
They are an annoyance to me, but I am an adult capable of taking care of myself. It would... not be good... to be a person who is dependent on my husband.
Dude she treats him like he’s an unreliable pet than a person, wtf is this lol
I actually didn’t get that at all until she said this:
> He confessed he didn't really want to be an active parent but feels like he is supposed to (there's some deep stuff in there about his own family and race tied into that. So complicated emotions).
Up until that point my bias assumed they were just your average white trash. So you picked it up before me.
Eh, idk. The vibe I got was that they're both Black but he got involved with a gang when he was growing up, and she's always been determined to stay out of that culture. I.e. "his crowd" is a gang.
She is so defensive and proud of how he's not a partner in any way, he's just a companion. He's a pet in human form.
But then she expects anyone to believe the grandstanding that she's *so* ready to divorce him.
Ok, gurl, go play adult with your teenager in a grown man's body, no one is buying your shit.
It's the perfect Reddit situation. She's TECHNICALLY completely in the right. Guaranteed to get much support on Reddit.
But 0 sympathy for a child the person she "loves" cares about is weird to say the least. Clinging to this very odd, dead relationship.
I'm not even really saying she's awful or anything, it's just very nuanced and strange, but since she's technically correct, and she posted to aitah, Reddit is just going to blindly defend and support her. Well at least she's getting couples counseling. That's something.
Reading the first post, I just knew it had to be ADHD. OP's husband sounds exactly like my dad. I've inherited that the same level of ADHD, and, honestly, I get why OP's husband (and my own dad) this level of child. But not getting your shit treated will constantly leave you feeling like a subpar human that can't accomplish anything- because you genuinely *don't* get anything done.
The only way to keep going off of the generosity of others. Eventually your permanent "caretaker" will either get sick of you or see you as lesser, as that's the only way to really tolerate such a huge responsibility. OP is clearly in the latter group. Husband needs to get his shit together. Seek treatment.
Look, the husband is absolutely the worst, but I also judge anyone pretty harshly who would be perfectly fine living with a deadbeat parent (and a cheater to boot).
That poor kid.
The way I see it, if you forgive your husband for cheating that led to another kid, that kid becomes no different from a kid from a previous relationship.
Don't like it? Get divorced.
Jesus. This is an ESH moment. What a dumbass staying with a guy who not only cheated, but got a kid out of the affair. Cheating aside, he sounds like someone who isn't careful or responsible. Can't use a condom? Then wtf else are you *unable* to do? I'd sooner kill myself than stay with someone that fucking useless and irresponsible. MF can't even hold down a FT job. What kind of barn trash did she marry?
I feel like OOP is protesting too much.
She needs to divorce him. Frankly he should divorce her. They needed to divorce yesterday. He's clearly awful and definitely not the victim but he still shouldn't be married to someone that 'wouldn't lose sleep' if they divorced. If that's how you feel about your marriage, you should not be married. Holy shit.
This poor kid.
I've seen this kind of absolutely debilitating ADHD before, and it really does do this to a person. Executive dysfunction is not an easy thing to surmount.
Of course he didn't schedule his own appointment -- that's one of the major symptoms. Not being able to just get started on things. It's like every one else has a catalyst but those with executive dysfunction don't, and the activation energy to get started is just astronomical. Yes, he needs a therapist, but his own executive dysfunction is a barrier to that.
He needs help that his wife (evidently not partner...) can't give. He needs professional help. He needs help getting that help because holy shit that level of executive dysfunction can really just destroy your life.
And it's so hard to explain to people who don't experience it what it's like, and even people who do understand and experience it can and often do get tired of it. I'm tired of my own shit lmao but god I get tired of other people's shit too.
I think the most helpful thing to do would be to get the couples therapist to spend some time with him in a session just scheduling an appointment with an individual therapist.
For real, I can’t hold my life together unless I’m medicated. I wouldn’t be if my then partner hadn’t pushed me to get a diagnosis and treatment, including making appointments for me. As is I can barely hang on and am exhausted just from day to day life.
It’s impossible to explain to anyone because they have their brain and I have mine. I know other people can just *do* things because that’s what’s expected of me by the world at large. I’m forced to adapt and hide what a struggle it is to survive. But others who have no executive functions issues have no reason to think twice about it, they just do things. There’s no reason for them to think I’m anything but stupid and lazy because they can’t comprehend life with a brain that doesn’t work.
So hubby is a dead beat husband who was working part time, and now working 2 part time jobs. Wont step up as a dad. Wont step up as a husband. And wont work in his mental health.
Oop deserves better. As does that kid.
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The poor child. Their father missed their birthday because he stayed up too late playing video games. Their mom is in jail. This kid has a struggle ahead of them. I hope the grandparents are taking better care of this child than the parents.
I've learned there are some families you just don't want to have anything to do with.
Not to mention they got moved across the country away from all their friends.
And how tf do you miss a flight the following day because you were playing video games? He overslept?? How does that even happen? Like can he seriously not wake up to an alarm? If you don’t even have your shit together enough to wake up on time for a flight you paid for, you should not be in a relationship, let alone taking over custody of a child. You desperately need therapy and time management skills.
Yep! I know myself and I know I'm a deep sleeper who alarms will not rouse unless I've gotten at least 6h of sleep, so if I have a super early flight, I pull an all-nighter. People give me shit for it but it's still taking responsibility. >wake up on time for a flight you paid for OP paid for it, she gifted him the miles :/
Nothing is the child 's fault. The probably wish they were never born. Regardless how screwed up the natural parents are, the child just needs someone to love and care for them.
I'm skeptical they're even in the kid's life as much as OOP says....if they live on the other side of the country how much were they really involved in this kid's life
What is this relationship?
I call this a relationshit
I need this exact sentence as a flair so bad
It's also a Dane Cook joke.
“You think I can just go? It’s not that simple, okay? My CDs are in his truck!”
I think of this line *all* the time when browsing BORU lol
It is? Who did the joke originally?
😂
I love this and can’t believe I hadn’t heard of a relationshit before.
Or **shit**uationship
It's almost like she considers him a pet. He'd die on the street without her and makes her smile.
Most pet owners would lose sleep over losing their pets.
True. I wonder why she bothered to post on AITAH given how relentlessly she argued for herself.
“Pet” is good. I was thinking mediocre employee she supervises and has some affection for, but mostly just tolerates while building resentment. I cannot imagine living like this.
It's exactly this. And I myself am basically a horrible feral cat, but I would never marry anyone and make them handle 24/7 custody of me, haha.
Yeah I felt super attacked by the bit >Untreated and fairly severe ADHD. >Not the "occasional forgetfulness" and the "having trouble focusing kind" >But the kind that comes along with emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, addiction, hyperfixation to the point of self-neglect, etc. Cause that all definitely applies to me. But then kept going and realized I would never forget a kid, I can get up for flights, I live alone and manage my whole life by myself, and I've held down a very high-stress, high-visibilty tech job for over 10 years now. So I guess I could be doing a lot worse xD. I still don't wish myself on a partner.
I have ADHD (and a lot of other issues.) I nearly failed school for years until I got on meds (briefly - the side effects weren't worth it) and then in grade 11 and 12 had straight As. If left alone I sleep 14+ hours a day and then am manic for the rest of the time. I have a hair trigger from fine to furious and can't handle anger productively. I would NEVER treat a kid like this!! EVER! Being an adult means finding coping mechanisms so you're not taking your issues out on children. (Also I'm child free and single by choice but that's really irrelevant here. If saddled with a kid you can bet I would be a better parent than this dude.)
We really don't know if we could have handled a kid had we had them. I don't think I could. I mean, I think the kid would be alive, but my life would be in shambles. That means the kid would be suffering somehow. I live as stress free as possible, because I can't handle anything else. I make for an excellent aunt. I love buying my niece gifts, I love going out with her, I love reading to her and teaching her things. I even loved feeding her and putting her to sleep, even if it took 40 minutes of rocking and singing. But I really, really love giving her back to her parents, because I get to be a zombie for a few days after. Adhd is no joke. I have so few damn spoons. My 2 cats are almost too much responsibility sometimes.
I forget if it's a side effect of the ADHD or the Tism, where I gotta be up and prepared HOURS before is truly necessary, when it comes to crucial items like flights, special events, etc. but I can't imagine completely sleeping through get up time and missing a flight. Just thinking about it makes me feel ick.
Yeah, traveling is always a little miserable for me cause I stress so much about over sleeping that I barely sleep at all the night before leaving.
Same here! My brain is like, "Going somewhere tomorrow? Great, have these nightmares about oversleeping that keeps you up and means you wake up 2+ hours before you needed to!" Then I end up exhausted while traveling. I think the worst time was when I was living in PA and had to pack my entire apartment into my car and then drive back to Massachusetts when the Covid shutdowns kicked in. I spent the whole time I was packing just about shaking bc I was scared I was going to get trapped hours away from home. (I was out of state for a work assignment) Got back home to MA, turned on the news, and found out the same time I'd been cutting through NYC on the interstate, the national guard had been rolling into NYC and shutting it all down.
There's a big difference between having to deal with these issues (which are a twist of fate) and choosing to ignore the issues. If you're dealing with this stuff but still able to do everything you mentioned, then you've created systems to help you live your life the way you need to. Medication isn't the only solution for ADHD, but refusing treatment and also efforts to make positive change are a big part of the issue for OP's husband. My best friend is married to someone with ADHD and over the years they've put in a lot of work to try to build a life together. My friend doesn't have to manage him, and these systems have made them both happy. He didn't want to be medicated, and it hasn't been an issue.
Ah, yeah, that's basically me too. I know what I'm like and nobody should have to deal with this full time. Oddly enough seem to have found myself a relationship to match. I've got cats, he's allergic to cats. He's caretaker for his elderly mother and she's very much not a fan of me. But we're both so busy anyhow that we're just happy to catch a half hour to chat between running to do this and that.
Ooh, this is a great way to describe me I re: relationships.
A pet she doesn't give a shit about if it goes away and never comes back. I don't understand this woman or her life motivations at all: He had a child when he cheated on me but I find him entertaining and I love him though I don't respect him at all, I think very little of him as a person and I wouldn't lose any sleep if we got divorced. This is all kinds of screwed up and contradictory
She’s a sugar mama but has him work to cover his own living expenses. Not a full blown sugar baby, but I think it’s close enough to be in that category. You’d think he’d realize being the pool boy married to a rich woman is about as good as it could possibly get for him but apparently he’s too dumb to understand his role (cute, loyal, do as she orders).
A Splenda mama, if you will
What's to not get? He is a source of daily fun for her, and she can feel comfortable around, who she can easily detach from if he crosses one of her lines
She me people can't see past their own nose when it comes to a perception of a fulfilling relationship. This one doesn't feel all that healthy or satisfying but it clearly works for her (and him apparently?)
I’ve learned that a lot of people consider having a partner in and of itself an accomplishment. Hardly matters with who or if the relationship is beneficial to their life. Don’t know how old they are but if they were married for 10 years, possibly 30s at the youngest, and a lot of people would rather keep with the relationship they have than try to deal with being alone or trying to make a new relationship at that age.
Not gonna lie, I’ve had a couple of those relationships. They lasted years and I was not unhappy. There’s something to be said for a Tamagotchi who makes you smile.
He makes an awesome pet, right up until she has a medical issue requiring a trustworthy adult to assist her or make decisions. Then she realizes she would have been better off with a nice cat and a trustworthy friend group.
Sounds like she has the trustworthy friend group. They’re making salsa together!
Yep! And her cat gets lost in playing videogames when she's not supervising him instead of scratching the furniture!
Heck, she *likes* it that way. If she can stand her ground about the child, she could do the same for therapy. "Either you get therapy or we get divorced."
Therapy and medication took me from op's spouse to actual responsible adult over the last 2 years, and that was with a meh therapist. Now, I'm still a mess and definitely need stronger meds but at least my baseline is above unmedicated and my therapist has suggested we only meet once a month now when it used to be every week(we have been meeting twice a month for about a year now.
She wouldn't be the first person who's watched one too many episodes of "The Simpsons" and has decided she's married to Homer despite there being absolutely no evidence to that effect.
FR. For all of Homer’s failures, he makes enough money to support Marge and the kids. They aren’t rolling in the dough, but they own a single family home in a decent neighbourhood. They were able to afford whatever program got Lisa her tenor sax. Sure, Marge does 100% of the management of home and finances. But Homer at least brings *something* to the table. And he stays at a job he hates because it’s what provides for his family.
Sorry but Lisa has a bari sax, not a tenor. You can tell by the neck.
You’re right. Which is even more expensive than a tenor sax.
He's also not the worst father. Marge is clearly the stronger parent, but Homer is often shown spending time with the kids, taking them places, being there for them when they're upset, etc. It's also cannon that he sacrificed his dream job of working in a bowling alley so that they could afford to have Maggie. He also genuinely and truly loves Marge. Whatever else is true on that show, it's shown time and again that Marge and Homer have a strong, loving relationship and that they'll do what it takes for one another.
The one thing that he can offer Marge that no one else can? Complete and utter dependence!
Also does not cheat on Marge.
You have to consider the show in the context of how it was first conceived. It really wasn't anything like as difficult for a single-income family to afford a house like that (and in any case, they were able to afford the house by persuading Homer's dad to sell his house). The whole point of Homer as a character is basically nothing he does ever works out quite right.
This is exactly right. The Simpsons aren't a three child family with a standalone home and a homemaker mother because Homer is competent, they are that way because someone with a high school education could do that in the 80s (and it's a sitcom lol)
They are that way because Homer's father sold his own home and gave Homer the money to buy the Simpson home.
This was lampshaded in the episode "homers enemy", where the genius college graduate orphan Frank Grimes, who was smarter, talented, and better than Homer in every way couldn't afford Homer's lifestyle. 80's Simpsons could conceivably afford their lifestyle, by the 90s you needed a degree and more and more story contrivances were added to make the arrangement work. Homer's dad sold his house for a down payment, Flanders own the house and he's the reason they can afford it despite being bad tenants, etc.
What started out as a gentle yet recogniseable parody of American family life has become a completely unbelievable depiction without anything fundamental changing,
Hey, Homer might be a screw up but he's held a regular job for years and can afford three kids and a stay at home wife.
Don't do Homer like that.
It's sort of ironic she accuses him of having a savior complex but seems to have a bit of one herself. Like he'd be unable to function without her.
He couldn't manage to catch a flight she'd given him miles points for and then couldn't afford one on his own. Seems like her estimation in that area is correct.
She realized getting sexual gratification from a pet meant she needed to adopt a human
Hooo shit
I didn't read this. I didn't read this. I didn't read this.
**Drax:** I'll do you one better: WHY IS THIS RELATIONSHIP?
“I don’t want to live with a child or raise a child”…..marries a perpetual man child. Make it make sense.
He generates no diapers, doesn't keep her awake at night crying, she doesn't have to do the daily work of raising a child into a decent human being, she doesn't have to be in charge of his social life... a perpetual man child is less work than a real child. Especially if they are willing to do housework. While do have to teach a child chores, it is a teaching process.
Hahahaha this made me guffaw
Weird seeing on person (the wife) apparently dominate every part of the relationship and have every reason to cut the cheating husband loose but won't. I dont understand how having a child during an affair isn't a instant end to a marriage unless the married couple has a child of serious financial entanglement.
It’s the power dynamic. She likes that he’s dependent on her and it makes her feel good to know she’s better than him. She seems awful too tbh.
You nailed it. She keeps him around cause knowing he is such a loser makes her feel good over how superior to him she is. Funny thing is he massively humiliated her and yet she is doing backflips to defend him. Guess she is not that superior after all and honestly, thank goodness they both are still together and child free, cause at least they are not ruining more people with their shittyness.
When I put all the dates together, it sounds like she didn't know until three years ago. Maybe she figured it was already a done deal?
no idea but it sounds toxic just from the outside. "My husband is fun but not reliable." You... married someone who is not reliable? What the fuck?
She told him she wouldn’t lose any sleep if they divorced. Like shit lady, you should definitely just divorce then
Nothing she said suggested “I love this man”. It suggested “he entertains me and nothing more”. I have a deeper relationship with my Alexa.
She might love him, but the commenters who called him a pet have it right. This is not a marriage of equals, he is not her partner
It's what happens when someone decides they "don't want to be dependent on medication" for a condition that responds very well to medication.
There are some adhders upon whom stimulants have no effect, but yeah most of us it helps
One in which she has all agency and he can't seem to pull his head out of his ass. Whether or not they get divorced is irrelevant to me. My heart aches for that poor child.
The grandparents might be ok. I know the mother didn't turn out well, but that's not always the parents' fault. Teens can fall into a bad crowd and then follow that flow into worse issues. Or she went to college/workforce and got caught up in drugs. Who knows? Her failures may not have steemed from her parents' failures.
Guy who wants a "bang mommy" successfully found a woman who's happy to have a "bang pet"? Honestly, it seems like it's kinda working for them, other than the whole "she hates kids and he went and made one" bit.
And since it seems clear he's not actually up to the task of being a custodial parent himself, it will probably continue to do so despite that.
She's his bang mommy. There can't be another child in the house.
Seems more like a sugar mommy situation, and she's happy with it so ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
"He makes me laugh." Girl, turn on Comedy Central if you need to laugh.
Some people don’t need a partner who fulfills their every need, because they fulfill most their needs themselves. It’s actually a really healthy mindset to not feel like you *need* your partner to be all these different people for you. I’ve seen poly people explain how much pressure and difficulty it can be to put all of your relationship needs into a single person as a way to explain why ethical non-monogamy works for them, where different partners fulfill different needs, instead of requiring a jack-of-all-trades. But instead of needing 2-3 partners to meet her desired style of relationship, she needs like half a partner, haha. She wants a husband who makes her laugh and that she has fun with, nothing more. She can fulfill the other aspects of her life herself. I don’t see a problem with it generally.
Seriously. This is not even close to the most unhealthy romantic relationships in my opinion. She knows what she wants out of it. She is ready to cut ties if the relationship doesn’t fit those parameters. What a satisfying relationship is is different to different people. Just because this doesn’t look like the average ideal doesn’t mean that it couldn’t work out for her in a way she sees fit. It’s more her partner that is not being honest with himself about what he wants and is capable of that’s the issue here. If he doesn’t let that impact what he does to make it worthwhile to her so much as to push it into the red, why should she divorce him.
I’m with you two. Not every relationship needs to be identical, she knows who she is and she knows who he is.
I bet he was late to his own wedding because he got distracted.
Wisdom is chasing you but you’re too fast is taking me full out 🤣🤣🤣
It's a fairly common Nigerian insult lol So weird to see it in the wilds of reddit.
That stood out to me too! Immediately yoinked for my own vocabulary.
Idk why people are so ready to settle for like 1/3rd of an adult relationship
She doesn't want an adult relationship. She wants someone to talk to when she's bored, a date to parties, and maybe some dick when she's in the mood. But she wants absolute control of the rest of her life, the female equivalent of a 1950s husband. He's just there to be pretty.
You know... I think you have it here. It sounds awful, from my perspective. If I get a trophy husband I want to be able to show him off-- he should be accomplished in an Austenian sense-- a little piano, a little embroidery, dab hand at household budgeting. And this one is basically a man child. But if he's pretty and fun and you're not planning to have kids and your house is secure and your job is secure and you have lots of friends... I guess happy lives have been built on less.
Both my wife and I did stints where the other made all the money and one of us would cook, clean, plan activities, and work out a ton. It's fun for a couple of months. After that, you see something you want to buy or do and feel like you have to ask for permission like a child. It's not that either of us ever denied each other something, as long as it's within reason. You just become very cognizant that that is money you didn't earn and don't feel entitled to it. Maybe other people see it differently, but both of us are far too independent to not feel like we are contributing fairly.
The husband only worked part time before she made him get another job to pay his child support, so it doesn’t sound like he cares about equal contribution. He refuses to be medicated. She gave him therapy info he hasn’t followed up on. When he wanted to go on the trip she paid for his plane ticket and washed his clothes. It’s not that she doesn’t care, it’s that she refuses to be a parent for a grown-ass adult man. Kind of seems like the ‘tough love’ you might give a child living at home too late into adulthood, when you’re trying to support them without enabling them.
Yeah, I've only ever bought my music gear and other toys out of the checking account that's funded money from my paycheck. It would feel weird otherwise, even if my wife's account had plenty of money in it.
We've been trading off who has a job for logistical reasons (both on short term contracts until fairly recently, when new job usually meant new country). We'd been married about 5 years before we both had a job. That first month of two paychecks was fucking glorious. It never bothered me, I saw it as "our" money all the time. But my husband struggled with it being "my" money when he was unemployed, even though he was doing all of the housework and cooking and everything (my job was stupid hours in the early days of marriage).
Oh gosh! I have that trophy husband! He can bake, sew, crochet, knit, brew beer, grow vegetables, make cheese. On top of that he is kind, generous, compassionate, gentle, and makes me laugh like a loon daily.
Especially if she is a little, or a lot, uptight I can see him bringing fun and spontaneity into her life as being enough for her. She helps keep him grounded and handles the adult stuff he would be a trainwreck at dealing with, he makes her less dower and brings fun and playfulness into her life. Not what most people want, but not a shitty trade off.
He's a pet.
Not a dog, though, since dogs are loyal
He’s an outdoor cat with another family down the street.
Don't do my cat bros dirty like that 😤
A community cat you feed sometimes and TNR for the greater good of society
of only this one *had* been neutered 🙄 why do the most useless people procreate at alarming rates.
Damn I wanna be a trophy husband now, the idea of being shown off is uhh appealing Time to learn piano lol
to be fair it sounds like he’s okay with this situation too.
she absolutely mothers him though. I know what it’s like to live with someone with that severe of ADHD. and you have to constantly remind them of everything all the time. she also said that she handles all the finances and takes care of the dog. I am just positive that she manages a lot of his executive functions so he can seem like a functioning adult. it’s why he didn’t go on the plane- she wasn’t there to wake him up and remind him.
Maybe that's why she doesn't want any kids. She's managing him and that's enough. Wonder when she gets tired of it and kicks his a$$ to the curb
This is precisely it. And maybe it's horrible for the husband but lowkey I think OOP is iconic for this. She knows what she wants. She knows what she doesn't want. She has been explicitly clear with him about her expectations. She's told him that if he doesn't want the same things then he's welcome to leave. She's helped him with his budget. She's letting him be the sits on his ass gamer guy but she's also forcing him to pull his weight financially. And she's not letting his shit interfere with her life. I wanna have a 1 hour conversation with this woman about how she handles office politics because I think she'd have some amazing advice and stories. Truly a master of "not my circus not my monkeys."
She sounds like a real life Mindy St. Claire from The Good Place. And he kinda sounds like early stage Derek.
*[insert obligatory Derek sound]*
Yeah, I can't see anything wrong for how her views are sincerely. I see a ton of people being argumentative about her relationship, but it seeings really clear cut, they do get everything they want from each other even if it's not standard or common. Sure the problems presented are big, but it's up to OP's husband to solve not her.
I have a friend who is also married to a man-child like op's husband. She says that she is happy with him because she can focus on her career and has a fun partner. Idk, i guess we each have different strokes. I mean, personally i couldn't live with a guy like that, but ... whatever floats their boat.
Yeah like if you've got pre-nuptual secured assets and no plans on kids, I don't really see why you shouldn't marry a himbo/neurodivergent person? The set up is unconventional so most people in this thread aren't liking it but I can't see where anyone is doing anything wrong.
Maybe they don't know any better. I certainly didn't until a few years ago. Still am not quite sure I do right now.
I'm in the same place mentally, which is why I'm not dating currently. Got sucked into emotionally abusive relationship because emotionally absent people were all I knew. Felt good because it felt familiar Until I out-matured him, stood up for myself and left. But the shit I went through on the way there ... there are multiple point where I think "why did you tolerate that?" The answer is I was in the fog. Bought right into the illusion of control ("if I communicate better he'll be nicer to me and the problems will be solved" - as if I were responsible for his thoughts)
I once found myself explaining to the cops that I must've been walking heavy on my way to the kitchen to make coffee because the screaming argument that got them called in started when husband came roaring out of the bathroom going on about my negative vibes right after I woke up. Few years later I got ahold of the police report. It explained that I was basically being held against my will in a back bedroom but was too daffy to recognize it as a crime. The cop wrote down that they were putting in these extra notes so I'd have a paper trail if I ever woke up and tried to get out. Being controlled at that level felt so normal I didn't even realize it was happening, and actually thought I was in control of most of the household matters. Grew up with parents who demanded control of everything from the length of my hair to the expression on my face. Didn't find husband throwing things at me odd because well dad did that too.
This: >I don't trust him to look after the dogs by himself. And this: >He is fun to be around, but not reliable. Guy sounds like a nightmare to live with honestly. Cheats straight in the marriage, and is not stable enough to look after dogs. I hope OP gets herself help, because she's obviously got some self-confidence issues if she sees this guy as husband material. That commentor has it right. She's not doing herself any favours.
This is it. I don’t understand how someone could feasibly convince themselves to marry someone who is “fun” but not reliable. Is it money? Sex? Why stay with this person when he cheats on you???
Different people look for different things in their lives. Some marry people who they’re not super into because they’re reliable and provide them with what they need. I think that’s very common. Some marry people who are fun and make their lives better but don’t rely on them - that isn’t anything strange.
Sounds like one of my partners. I love him, we have a lot of fun together but I wouldn't even date him if I were monogamous and looking for marriage. Having said that if this dude brings OOP joy to her life and the imbalance in the relationship works for her, then why not. And it's great to see someone expressing clear boundaries, holding them, and being ready to follow through with the consequences of pushing/crossing them.
The big, major, unignorable reason I see here is that your husband has the power to make MAJOR medical decisions if you lose the ability to do so yourself for any reason (see: unconscious, out of your own mind). For your situation it’s no big deal since (and I assume) you aren’t married to that person. Since OOP is legally tied to him, he’s legally tied to her too and if she won’t trust him with dogs….
That probably doesn't even occur to a lot of people. You're right about it. It's a fair point. Those who do think about it plan for such eventualities. We'll never know if OOP is the type to have planned or not. Depending on jurisdiction, an advanced directive could have her own wishes set in stone. Or, she could have given someone she trusts, enduring power of attorney for medical matters. Or, he'll just get overwhelmed in an emergency or serious medical condition and completely ignore it or leave. Or, she lives a long and healthy life where the issue never arises.
Agree. She is very clear in what their relationship is, what he is capable of and her boundaries
Probably my favorite mood spoiler on this sub of all time
Absolutely agreed. And I absolutely did face palm when she said she will not file for divorce because it’s his fault so he need to file. wtf?
If I’d waited for my ex to file I’d still be married 8 years later. And he’s the one that fucked up big time. No way I was waiting around for him to get his shit together.
Yeah, that just seems like a perfectly aimed foot-shot. She owns the house and has a prenup that says it remains her separate property if they divorce, so she thinks that gives her all the control. But the reality is that he's an established resident, and he doesn't have a lease that prohibits him having guests, even long-term ones. He would be entirely within his rights to ignore her, move the kid in, and refuse to initiate a divorce. If that persists because she insists he be the one to file, the kid might even become an established tenant. It would be on her to divorce him and evict them, a process that he could make very slow and expensive.
Except she knows him enough to know that he didn’t want the kid, he just didn’t want the guilt of not wanting the kid. He was 100% not going to raise that kid, and her being the bad guy and putting her foot down just let him give himself mental permission for what he already wanted to do.
Hehe I'm glad!
I knew I was in for a wild ride when I saw that gif.
The only person I feel bad for in this stupid story is the kid.
Definitely won the worst parents lottery.
The assumptions being made about the grandparents are insane. They can’t control their grown child, and plenty of good parents have a kid who turns out to be a fuckup. I know a family where three of the kids are a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer and the fourth is a drug addict in and out of jail, what should we conclude about those parents?
Thank you, I was looking for this. That comment sounds like it came from someone very young or a person lucky enough to not have seen what addiction and mental health struggles can cause in an individual and family.
We (I) conclude that all parents do the best they are capable of - and some aren’t capable at all- and that kids come with their own personalities and what’s best for one kid, isn’t best for another and it’s literally luck of the draw if kid(s) and parent(s) “match” to produce a healthy adult. Parents aren’t raising kids- they are raising adults, often when they aren’t developed adults themselves- so nobody does it perfectly for the kid(s) they have. Some kids have fantastic parents- and grow up to be fuck ups. Some kids have shit parents and grow up to be amazing… we can’t pick our parents, we can’t pick our kids, and we can’t pick our own brains to respond a specific way to experiences. We just live. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes we take responsibility and fix ourselves, sometimes we don’t (or can’t) Living is weird like that
"Wisdom is chasing after you, but you’re clearly way too fast." BOOM. Shut this site down, it's not gonna get better than this.
That's like 50% of the reason I made this BORU lol
It was a choice comment, and you recognized it when filtering thru the comments. Congrats.
A salsa canning party sounds awesome.
Everything about this situation is weird and awful. But the salsa party? That I can get behind.
This is codependency
Can't believe I had to scroll so far to see this. It's exactly that. She talks a big game but she'd rather die than be single. She's latched onto this manbaby mess for dear life because of it and she's going to update years from now when he leaves her for the affair baby mama or someone else from a dating app. Like clockwork.
OOP said that husband has untreated serious ADHD, so he didn’t sabotage his own trip, missing it is par for the course. It’s why he probably shouldn’t have sole custody of a… 3 year old?
Nine, I think. She says he had the affair shortly after they got married
Yeah, I'm giving the guy some side eye for that. I was married to a man with serious untreated ADHD, too. Then mine got a diagnosis. Now he's *treating* his ADHD. Why hasn't this guy done something about his?
As someone with ADHD myself (but only diagnosed and in treatment recently), I thought to myself "Why isn't he getting treatment?". But he DOES seem to have a drug history and the usual ADHD meds like MPH and Amphetamine might be a problem for an (former) addict. Interestingly enough, drug abuse (certain drugs) quite often is a form of self-medication for undiagnosed (and therefore not being aware of the problem and that some drugs just simply make persons with ADHD function better) persons with ADHD.
Because he doesn't have a problem. Everything serious is taken care of by mommy, as long as he provides some finances from his part time jobs which he somehow can keep.
Retail isn’t bad for an ADHD person at all. If it paid well, I’m sure more of us would want to do it. You’re constantly on the move, can get into a flow/hyperfocus on stuff like stocking or seeing customers, and the tasks don’t require much executive function. The only real downside is the rejection sensitivity with bad customers. I can see how he can keep two part time retail jobs.
If bartending wasn’t such a death trap, I’d probably still be doing it. Lots of short instructions with cash as the reward. I had a great time, but my finances didn’t.
This is the real answer. Why is he going to put in the work. Who is volunteering to take on more work.
She mentioned addiction history and two part-time jobs. Maybe there's just enough friction in trying to convince a doctor to medicate that he can't follow through. Honestly, it's bullshit either way. If they won't give you stimulants there's other options. But it's clear OOP is 100% dedicated to not being responsible for helping with the doctor, so he's not going to get an assist there. If I get the dynamic, she probably drew a line after making all the arrangements for his rehab and said "never again".
There are non-stimulant meds, and they work for some, and for others to some extent. He would benefit from any help, frankly, he has no ability to survive on his own. He probably is able to hold those jobs under the sheer panic of knowing if he doesn't, he will lose everything.
Because executive dysfunction means you can’t easily get help for the executive dysfunction
On top of that, actually getting treatment for mental health is such a slog, even if you manage to find good doctors. I've been to 11 different people over the last decade and the majority of them actually told me they didn't think I need any help.
Never a truer statement.
She said married for nine years and affair I shortly after marriage so kid is like 7-8 I think?
I think the kid is like 7 or older. The OOP said they've been married for 9 years, he had an affair shortly after they were married, and he was sued for child support 3 years ago.
8-9 year old. Affair happened right after they got married. Not much better though
Leaving a condition you know you have untreated IS self-sabotage. If a diabetic didn’t take their insulin, would you say that it’s just part of their condition and that seizures (or whatever happens- losing a foot? Idk) are just par for the course? I get that it’s an executive dysfunction. But that doesn’t absolve responsibility. It’s not like he suddenly developed adhd over night.
Six or so — married for 8 years, affair after a year, born 9 months later.
Everyone always owns the house in these stories outright. I just started noticing it and I can’t unnoticed it.
And everyone inherited one as well. Meanwhile, I don't know anyone who has inherited a house or doesn't have a mortgage. It's weird how normal it is in these BORUs. Or maybe it's an American thing (I'm not American).
I'm an American and through no fault of my own have inherited several houses. Lots of deaths.
Lots of deaths for me, too, but no inheritance homes. Lots of deaths paired with a certain socioeconomic background that's somewhat uncommon.
I'll inherit my mom's home complete with her 1st and 2nd mortgages & who knows how many expenses. Maybe I'll decline my inheritance.
It's not common in America, either - but it gets around the "how the hell can someone in their 20s afford a house?" or "where do you expect to live?" etc. problems that pop up with the cost of housing as high as it is these days.
Why even get married? If all you want is companionship, you don’t have to legally bind yourself and your finances to someone. Sounds like this guy is an active liability to OP’s financial well-being. I love my fiancé but I certainly wouldn’t marry him if he wasn’t capable of functioning on his own, let alone in a partnership.
She keeps saying that she loves him, but she just sounds so resentful. And he sounds like he could use a bunch of therapy or meds. I can't imagine life like that. Neither seems to want to move, one way or another.
She may love him, but she doesn't respect him. And he definitely does not respect her.
“emotional dysregulation, impulsivity, addiction, hyperfixation to the point of self-neglect, etc.” See, my ADHD has caused a lot of this too (though I’m not impulsive at all)…which is why I learned coping measures while on meds after being diagnosed as a kids, and am back on meds now. I can’t imagine making someone take care of me in full unhealthy ADHD mode (even without meds I’m rarely there specifically because I worked hard to learn how to manage it in other ways as well). And I can’t imagine staying with someone like that who refuses any kind of treatment at all.
>Let's just say I am not surprised that someone from "his crowd" ended up in jail.\ Uhhhhh >I would never have kids with him (in some alternate universe where I wanted them) >I don't trust him to look after the dogs by himself. He has executive functioning issues. Like, kind of severe ones. They are an annoyance to me, but I am an adult capable of taking care of myself. It would... not be good... to be a person who is dependent on my husband. Dude she treats him like he’s an unreliable pet than a person, wtf is this lol
I'm sensing that "his crowd" is more racially charged than she's trying to imply.
I actually didn’t get that at all until she said this: > He confessed he didn't really want to be an active parent but feels like he is supposed to (there's some deep stuff in there about his own family and race tied into that. So complicated emotions). Up until that point my bias assumed they were just your average white trash. So you picked it up before me.
Sounds like her husband is a black man
Eh, idk. The vibe I got was that they're both Black but he got involved with a gang when he was growing up, and she's always been determined to stay out of that culture. I.e. "his crowd" is a gang.
"I told my husband the truth, that while I love him, I won't lose sleep if we divorce." Okay, so I'm not an expert here, but that ain't love, babe.
She is so defensive and proud of how he's not a partner in any way, he's just a companion. He's a pet in human form. But then she expects anyone to believe the grandstanding that she's *so* ready to divorce him. Ok, gurl, go play adult with your teenager in a grown man's body, no one is buying your shit.
The person who said they love her for doing this makes me so sad
It's the perfect Reddit situation. She's TECHNICALLY completely in the right. Guaranteed to get much support on Reddit. But 0 sympathy for a child the person she "loves" cares about is weird to say the least. Clinging to this very odd, dead relationship. I'm not even really saying she's awful or anything, it's just very nuanced and strange, but since she's technically correct, and she posted to aitah, Reddit is just going to blindly defend and support her. Well at least she's getting couples counseling. That's something.
Marge, I finally found the one thing that I can offer you that no one else can: complete and utter dependence! [](https://i.redd.it/gvrfe6qhc0461.jpg)
Reading the first post, I just knew it had to be ADHD. OP's husband sounds exactly like my dad. I've inherited that the same level of ADHD, and, honestly, I get why OP's husband (and my own dad) this level of child. But not getting your shit treated will constantly leave you feeling like a subpar human that can't accomplish anything- because you genuinely *don't* get anything done. The only way to keep going off of the generosity of others. Eventually your permanent "caretaker" will either get sick of you or see you as lesser, as that's the only way to really tolerate such a huge responsibility. OP is clearly in the latter group. Husband needs to get his shit together. Seek treatment.
Look, the husband is absolutely the worst, but I also judge anyone pretty harshly who would be perfectly fine living with a deadbeat parent (and a cheater to boot). That poor kid.
The way I see it, if you forgive your husband for cheating that led to another kid, that kid becomes no different from a kid from a previous relationship. Don't like it? Get divorced.
Love that last commenter’s quip about wisdom! OOP is a complete moron and honestly sounds like her and her husband are meant for each other.
I can't even call this girlbossing she just comes off as purposefully stupid the entire time, and vaguely in denial.
Jesus. This is an ESH moment. What a dumbass staying with a guy who not only cheated, but got a kid out of the affair. Cheating aside, he sounds like someone who isn't careful or responsible. Can't use a condom? Then wtf else are you *unable* to do? I'd sooner kill myself than stay with someone that fucking useless and irresponsible. MF can't even hold down a FT job. What kind of barn trash did she marry?
I feel like OOP is protesting too much. She needs to divorce him. Frankly he should divorce her. They needed to divorce yesterday. He's clearly awful and definitely not the victim but he still shouldn't be married to someone that 'wouldn't lose sleep' if they divorced. If that's how you feel about your marriage, you should not be married. Holy shit. This poor kid.
The fact that she knows he has all these issues but won't even file divorce papers seems so odd. Enjoy marital limbo.
I've seen this kind of absolutely debilitating ADHD before, and it really does do this to a person. Executive dysfunction is not an easy thing to surmount. Of course he didn't schedule his own appointment -- that's one of the major symptoms. Not being able to just get started on things. It's like every one else has a catalyst but those with executive dysfunction don't, and the activation energy to get started is just astronomical. Yes, he needs a therapist, but his own executive dysfunction is a barrier to that. He needs help that his wife (evidently not partner...) can't give. He needs professional help. He needs help getting that help because holy shit that level of executive dysfunction can really just destroy your life. And it's so hard to explain to people who don't experience it what it's like, and even people who do understand and experience it can and often do get tired of it. I'm tired of my own shit lmao but god I get tired of other people's shit too. I think the most helpful thing to do would be to get the couples therapist to spend some time with him in a session just scheduling an appointment with an individual therapist.
Situations (people) like this are why ADHD is classed as a disability. I'm a bit shocked he can hold down a job.
For real, I can’t hold my life together unless I’m medicated. I wouldn’t be if my then partner hadn’t pushed me to get a diagnosis and treatment, including making appointments for me. As is I can barely hang on and am exhausted just from day to day life. It’s impossible to explain to anyone because they have their brain and I have mine. I know other people can just *do* things because that’s what’s expected of me by the world at large. I’m forced to adapt and hide what a struggle it is to survive. But others who have no executive functions issues have no reason to think twice about it, they just do things. There’s no reason for them to think I’m anything but stupid and lazy because they can’t comprehend life with a brain that doesn’t work.
OOP really needs to just get like a dog or something to take care of because this pet husband thing is not working out.
They have dogs. She looks after them.
Okay but I want “wisdom is chasing you, but you’re too fast” as a flair
If you won't lose any sleep over your divorce, you clearly never should've married them to begin with.
So hubby is a dead beat husband who was working part time, and now working 2 part time jobs. Wont step up as a dad. Wont step up as a husband. And wont work in his mental health. Oop deserves better. As does that kid.
Terrible situation created by terrible people. Yes, plural.