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I still say "fuck cancer."
Stomach cancer is a horrible way to go.
I'm still upset that Mr. Rogers died from stomach cancer. If anyone on earth deserved a peaceful passing, it was Mr. Rogers.
Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know firsthand how bad it is, and I also won't wish it to my worst enemy. Lost my mom to the same thing. She passed in about 2 months after getting worse and being admitted to the hospital.
I'm so sorry to here that. I guess it's "good" when things progress this quickly.
At first dad just had high infection numbers, they diagnosed him 2 weeks after being admitted to the hospital, gave him a few months. We could tell it wouldn't be nearly that long so we spent every waking minute together. He lost consciousnes a week after the diagnosis and was pretty much delirious for one week. Then he died, 4 weeks after entering the hospital.
At that point we were thankful that he was able to go, that he didn''t have to suffer too long yet we were all able to say our goodbyes and tell him, show him how dearly we love him. Few people are this "lucky" under such circumstances.
Agree. As much as I miss my mom, I was relieved she didn't have to suffer for long. She was very weak in the end, the cancer hasn't progressed to the point to hurt but she was deteriorating fast.
For her, it was anemia at first. She had known about it for a few months, but dismissed it as nothing concerning, and I later learned she had refused her GP's recommendation to be admitted for a few days for further testing. The iron supplements she had been taking didn't work anymore and she almost collapsed when with a friend, so she was admitted. They took about 2 weeks to diagnose her too, and stabilized the anemia with blood transfusions.
She spent about a month in the hospital, and got discharged, as they didn't have an oncology unit.
We went to an oncologist to see how to go from there, took some time to convince her to go, she knew it was terminal, just didn't know what time she had left. They gave her a few months at most. The only thing that could have given her more time were more blood transfusions but she had to be admitted again, and she said she doesn't want to spend any more time in hospitals, and wanted to spend whatever time she had at home.
From what was explained to me, not treating the anemia meant it would eventually kill her before the cancer got worse, she would slip into a coma and go peacefully, and that's what eventually happened. It was just 2 weeks after the consultation with the oncologist.
51 weeks here ... Luckily my mom wasn't in pain (it was breast cancer that had spread wildly) and died somewhat peacefully in her home (yhough her last minutes were awful. I came to the bedroom because I heard something and she was choking. I moved her to her side and she threw up. While I was cleaning her her body gave up). She had been diagnosed initially less than 4 months earlier but had probably known for a while.
She was a former nurse and always said her breast cancer would come back and it would kill her the second time so she wasn't exactly motivated for treatment. But I'm happy we got to spend her last months together and that she was so comfortable.
My heart broke the next day when I found her, waiting for the mortician, with my old senior dog sleeping on her legs for the last time. She loved my menace of a boy tons and loved having him in her bed with her so it was a perfect goodbye for both of them.
It's hard to upvote such a sad experience, but I'm so glad she had both of you to offer her love during and after her passing.
My grandma lived with my parents before she passed last year and my parents' cat used to love sleeping on her bed. A few hours after she died, my family and I walked into her room to find miss Mocha laying on her chest and that sweet little kitty *GLARED* at us. It was absolutely obvious that she wanted some private time to mourn, so we left her alone for a bit. She laid on Carol's chest for a good long while before rejoining the family. It was so sad to see, but also so, so right and loving and purely *good*.
If there's an afterlife, I'm certain both your mom and my grandma smiled at the love they saw shown to them. ❤️
That was the best part of this period in life for me. Knowing that I made sure my mom felt safe with me being her advocate when she couldn't speak for herself and that she got to go fast and in a somewhat dignified manner. We'd prepared for her to k\*ll herself if it got too bad but since it was with my pills she'd rather stick it out in hopes of me and my doctor not getting in legal troubles - eventhough I told her that that was a problem I'd have no issue living with and dealing with and that I hope I get the same opportunity when it's my time.
Her last months were filled with ppl coming together to show love and support, not just for her but for me as well, and it made her feel safe "leaving me" knowing that I had ppl to take care of me as well.
I just bought my new home with my inheritence and for a start it'll be furnished with her things. I'm so sad she never got to see the place but I love feeling like it's "ours", not just mine. I decided it's time to move "back home" to all the ppl who are there for me.
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Bit glad to hear that you are able to take away whatever "positiv" aspects you can. I think that's what keeps us sane, and what our parents would want for us
I lost my dad to colon cancer 70 days ago. My sincere condolences on the loss of your dad and on the horrible memories the decline leaves with you.
Of course, I knew I would someday have to go through losing my parents unless I happened to pass young. I just didn't want to lose him through such horrible physical suffering. My dad was an outstanding person and father and didn't deserve a minute of what happened to him. I truly wouldn't wish it on someone.
Fuck Cancer.
She would have to be one of the most dedicated actors on the planet to fake stage 4 stomach cancer. There are actually some symptoms that can't be faked. Frankly, it's a brutal death.
Yes, still fuck cancer. However, do not expect assholes to no longer be assholes just because they have it. Not many people change personalities and become grateful when they get ill - some do, but it is not the norm.
OOP knew who MIL was and she knew the problematic behavior would be an issue when she chose to sacrifice her sex life, career, pension, and personal funds to give MIL care. I dont think I cold do that. I am ok with sacrificing my free time to help out FIL who has dementia (he is a sweet person tho) but that is to supplement care - not be the main carer. I would not move in with him, nor quit my job. I would not sacrifice my finances either - gifts and such are ok but I'd probably do that anyway because we have (had) that kind of relationship. But it has really brought home how important it is to self-care and not get carer's burnout, how to set boundaries about what you are willing and not willing to do. Imo it is not worth it if your own life goes down the drain to get someone a little bit more comfortable. Not if there are any other options, like most first-world countries have. Even the US has options for people without insurance to get low level care. Those options should always be utilized to the fullest first.
That man saved my life. I grew up in extreme abuse and I escaped to his land of make believe. He also showed me that not everyone will do the right thing but that doesn't mean I can't.
Thank you. I watched the documentary on him and my heart broke for him too. The fact he made it his life's work to help others, honestly I was so humbled by that.
Did you see where Limbaugh had said about 20 years before he died where he didn't care about cancer because he wouldn't have it for another 20 years?
Man was actually correct. Broken clocks.
Fair enough, but may i give you a new argument.
You should always respond "Fuck Cancer", but in thus case add on a "Fuck MIL" to keep your karmic balance.
Nah, still fuck cancer. Not only is that an absolutely devastating way to go, but it made OOP's life dramatically worse as well. Had MIL not gotten cancer, she wouldn't have had to move in with OOP and her husband. They wouldn't be swimming in debt, and OOP wouldn't have to take care of MIL all day. If there's any schadenfreude derived from MIL's misfortune, it's cancelled out by OOP's misfortune.
OOP is a better woman than I am because no way am I quitting my job to take care of a woman who treats me with such contempt. I would rather work longer hours, hire a nurse, and keep my distance.
Yes. My partner and I have a hard agreement that we won't become caretakers, especially not for his parents, but even for my mom not longer than a few weeks
Right call, if it took my MIL a longer time to go either my partner would have to distance himself or I'd would have had to leave him.
End of life care is horrific from so many different angles that people don't even think about, especially if there's disagreements on how to provide care like in our case.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's a better woman. Sounds more like she was being taken advantage by the MIL, especially now that the MIL has a "Get-out-of-Jail" card with her cancer. Sure she won't be long, but the thing is can OOP and her husband continue their marriage before MIL finally kicks the bucket? Or would it break before the funeral.
In all honesty: letting people treat you like shit doesn't make you a better person and especially not a better woman.
If have to judge who is better: then it's probably you.
We really have to change parameters on who is good and who is not. Especially for women. The criteria can't be: if you give up everything in your life for other people (in most cases your husband and your husband's weird family) then you are holy. Fuck that.
Seriously. Nothing noble about letting a woman who has no respect for you trample all over you while you house her, wipe her ass and quit your job, eliminating your income and essentially trapping yourself. She is living in a hell she put herself in. It’s honestly pretty pathetic. Her husband is the one who wanted to take his mother back, he should be the one caretaking.
Patient: Doctor, doctor, how long have I got?
Doctor: 10
Patient: 10? 10 what?
Doctor: 9... 8... 7... 6...
(it's pretty close to the truth in this case)
Depends. My mom had a tumor in her stomach causing severe anemia. The anemia and not being able to keep down almost anything took her before the cancer progressed to hurting like hell.
Edit: Sorry for the multiple same answers. I got an error, and I didn't realise it posted at all, let alone 4 times. Tried to delete the copies.
Is there *ANNNYYYYY* chance for remission? Or a miraculous recovery? Are we talking years? Months? Weeks? Is there a chance she will become mute due to this?
I’m gonna put money on MIL’s dying wish to be something like: “All I want is to spent my last few weeks alone with my son. So pack a bag OOP and head on out.” And with that, OOP gets kicked out of her own home by her husband, and her MIL - for her one last act of petty enmeshment.
I’m also betting that when she passes, and they go to sell the house, that there’s been two other mortgages taken out on it, it’s already sold, or it’s been willed to someone else. Almost closing on it for less than market value, then suddenly changing her mind to keep it so it can be her son’s “inheritance” sounds sketchy AF - especially when her son is already drowning in debt due to her.
If the doctors are not doing much then most likely very soon. They are not doing much not because of free healthcare (that was a weird comment), but because they know there is not much to be done. Stage 4 is usually fast.
My mother just refused supporting treatment when she got the news that there is no hope for getting better, just giving her a bit more time. She was fed up with hospitals. We do have free healthcare, so money wasn't the issue. She just wanted to die at home in peace.
The prognosis was up to 6 months, it took her 2 weeks after this conversation, and 2 months after initially stepping in a hospital.
I took it more as OP might think people may ask if MIL has her own health care or is on her son's now. Or basically, OP and her husband are paying for it in some way. Not that MIL wouldn't be treated.
>she was not very keen on going to the doctor either since she liked to self-medicate to relieve stomach pain.
>
they didn't really do much. They also did not give a prognosis. They reinstated her on some painkillers but it really don't help anything anymore.
I really hope OOP understands that this also makes sense backwards. She thinks the issue is the cancer (I hesitate to say diagnosis as it sounds self reported) and the fallout is her suffering and their financial distress.
But depending on the MIL it makes sense that she was so shocked by being kicked out that this is all about establishing who's in charge here. The issue is punishing them for kicking her out and the cancer is how to do it.
Drive the couple into debt, then dangle the prospect of inheriting the asset in front of them to get them to fall in line. They can't afford to turn it down.
Make sure DIL knows her place, have her quit her job to literally wipe your ass. Sit around and scream at her, don't eat her food which you never cared for anyway.
Now you're back in your rightful place, you can get in your son's ear about how much you don't like his wife.
I don't think MIL is a reliable narrator. She's had a front row seat to how this disease progresses, she's not keen on doctors... sure that might be because she's seen her family suffer and doesn't want it to go like that. But the timing just feels so perfectly in line with the manipulative parent cliche.
No discussion about treatments or prognosis from the doctors = Mil is faking and unless her family were exposed to environmental harm, the likelihood of multiple relatives dying of only 2 conditions is low.
There really isn’t a treatment for stage 4 stomach cancer. It’s one of those cancers that if you get the diagnosis and it’s that advanced, you’re told to put your affairs in order.
Stomach cancer is one of those cancers that unless they catch it early, it’s a terminal diagnosis that there isn’t much they can do about it. It’s also excruciatingly painful. It honestly tracks that she just has painkillers and isn’t able to eat much. My guess is that if we get another update, it will be in the late fall when the mil has died.
Sounds like it won't be long. She's not getting any treatment, just painkillers, and she can no longer eat properly. Her body will shut down on her either due to the illness or due to starvation.
[https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/stomach-cancer/survival](https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/stomach-cancer/survival)
The UK health system has no statistics for 5 year survival rates of stage 4 stomach cancer because there aren't enough people who manage it to have statistics. 20% or one in 5 are alive after one year, so the odds are pretty good that evil MIL here's life span is best measured in months.
Father in law was apparently told by the doctors he had 6 months to live. 10 years ago. Still kicking. It took my partner 7 years of this guilting to realize we can't keep dropping everything for his "dying" father.
God help this poor woman. She should have divorced her husband the first time.
I hate to admit but here's hoping although, unless OP went to the drs with her, I'm not holding my breath it's real because "just reinstating pain killers" isn't going to do much. So unless OP left out more details regarding her MILs palliative care, I'm dubious about the diagnosis.
My nanna had liver cancer and it was pretty much keep her as comfortable as possible. She was also DNR so it was just palliative care.
It was partly a blessing the cancer took her because her Alzheimer’s was at the point she could at least remember who her family was, even if she forgot who had died. Fuck Alzheimer’s and fuck cancer.
My dad had esophageal cancer which was essentially stomach cancer. Tumor was at the junction of the two.
Without medical intervention, I think he would have starved to death in under a year. So it depends on how overweight MIL is.
My father is still dying, but we bought him a few years to be with my mother before the rest of the cancer takes him away from us.
Right? Why didn't he quit his job? If OOP's salary is much lower, I'd understand, but if they're drowning in debt, then either option is unviable.
I know it's tough, but they could have pressed more on selling the house because they're making their future miserable by taking on all these debts
I suspect the house is a money pit. She listed it very low the first time, os refusing to list it again, and is in another state where she is mot living and they havent seen it in a while, I'm guessing the house is in poor repair or has some major problems she's not disclosing.
From the wording my assumption was that it may be a place like Brazil where people often sell their own homes and maybe she didn't even know how much it was worth.
I actually think she already sold the house, didn't get very much from it and ran out of money quickly.
Agreed - or they should have both refused to quit their jobs and insist on carers. They shouldn’t have caved - MIL is clearly bonkers if she thinks it is better for them to go into debt now, and personally be hit financially, and then get her house as inheritance rather than sell the damn house now and use it to fund the necessary lifestyle changes that come with supporting her.
It’s just another way for MIL to control them, but I absolutely wouldn’t take that BS - it would be a condition of her moving in that she sell the house and contribute so they don’t go into debt caring for her.
To be fair, with student loans they were probably neck deep already. But that doesn’t change the fact that this was the worst way they could have handled it. There is an empty house and they are paying for an apartment. He quits, puts his studies on hold, and goes home to take care of mom(and prepare the house for sale). She keeps studying, working, and lives with her parents. It would suck, no doubt about that, but the alternative seems to be a failing marriage and massive amounts of stress, all so they can end up deeper in debt.
This. Sell the house and hire a caretaker. Or get a second job and hire a caretaker. Drowning in debt for the pleasure of taking care of someone who hates your guts is not the way to do it.
I understand why oop is doing it and I can appreciate it. It is a shitty situation. I just hope this was truly her decision and it won't blow up in her face
And the quality isn't as good. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and I told my mom for years to make my brother the caregiver and use the Medicaid family caregiver benefits. She went through half a dozen crappy companies before she relented and the care my brother gives is 1000x better.
Yeap. A lot of women don't even realize they actually *can* so no to it; the ingraining is that deep. I've told my family repeatedly that my parents are on their own when they're old, but I know they don't believe me because as the only girl, I will of course take on that responsibility. Uuuhhhh - nope. Never.
I'm a preschool teacher and "no is allowed" for so many things the kids sometimes seem surprised they have that much control over their choices.
No is only *not* a choice for supervision, toileting, and first aid.
yeah, I don’t really get all the must’s either. she _must_ quit her job (even if they can’t afford it), she _must_ care for her MIL and become her literal servant, she _must_ let her live with them without selling her house to help with expenses.. I’m sorry but “in sickness and in health” is limited to her husband and does not include his mother. he can figure out a care plan for her. why should she bear the brunt of it?
I could imagine it happening in Eastern Europe too. Although I don't understand complaining about free healthcare in this case - cancer is treated relatively well, if the doctors are doing nothing, it means she is terminal and nothing is to be done (stage 4 also suggests that).
Stage four stomach cancer? Before. Wrapping up a marriage takes way longer, and there's no way they'd do that while MIL is living with them and literally dying, which given the condition is practically within stop-watch range.
How sure are we of that? Because the MIL said so? The MIL who doesn't go to the doctor and apparently doesn't get medecine from a doctor? A doctor that apparently gave a stage 4 cancer patient no timeline?
I dunno man, I'd want to see some hard evidence of this diagnosis if I was OOP.
I mean, she said they got married having not lived together before on top of barely seeing each other. Before I read about the MIL I was wondering why they got married in the first place.
If they stop they're the weirdos who got caught shagging with their mother / mil in the next room.
If they continue the mother / mil is the weirdo watching other people shag.
>We are drowning in debt since my husband's salary is not enough to cover all expenses. My husband suggested putting my mother-in-law's house up for sale again and she refused, saying that it was the only thing she had left and that she wanted it to be my husband's inheritance.
So they get to rack up more debt waiting for her to croak even though she's no longer even living in the house, and then eventually sell it after all of the probate stuff is done, assuming he's actually going to inherit the house with no other debt attached, instead of selling it now and covering her care?
And her husband's okay with that "logic"?
Run, sister, run!
Oh ...maybe that's why she was about to sell it for less before? They REALLY need to find out what's going on with this house before they get further into debt on her behalf.
What MIL is telling them without saying it, is that she's happy the way things are.
I would not be surprised if it comes out that she's not as sick as she claims, or the house is willed to somebody else, or that she already sold it... but using the money to cover her care would mean she wouldn't get to monopolise everyone's time and attention. She wouldn't be able to sit there making everyone suffer as "punishment" for kicking her out.
This is the best version of her current situation for her, everyone else doesn't really matter.
Why the hell has OOP quit *her* job? Why hasn't her son? I am so fucking sick of reading these scenarios where women sacrifice their careers and goals to carry the burden of caring for family; and in this case, it isn't even her direct family, and it's for a woman who treats her like crap. Wtf?
As someone who quit their job to look after their MIL before her passing from Cancer, I can honestly say with all sincerity, OOP is likely not in a very good place right now, both mentally and physically.
My MIL was my best friend, I spent a year caring for her every single day. Cooked for her, cleaned for her, got her bathed and dressed every day, helped her go to the toilet, took care of her medications, stayed up talking to her when the pain was too much for her to sleep. I did all I could for her, and I was exhausted, but I didn't let it show because I felt I didn't have a right to feel that way. I wasn't the one who was sick, and I wasn't the one who was loosing their mother. But I didn't stop, and when she passed I felt so incredibly guilty, like I didn't do enough and it was my fault she had passed.
I did it all for love, so for OOP to have been treated this way by both her MIL **AND** her husband, but still have the capacity to care to this level shows how good of a person they are. I hope she manages to find some time to take care of herself, on top of this - having money issues must be so tough. Its hard to say this, but at least when MIL passes, she will have something less on her plate. I hope the husband sees what she is doing for him, and not just himself.
around here, if the couple is old school and can't afford retirement house, like my parents, wife is expected to take care even of MIL.
My mom had to do it. Differences were that MIL was a saint and you could see her feeling guilty for bothering us. She could not walk on stairs last year of her life, MIL had to move with us.
But it was hard on mom as well. It was a lot of work. Mom was absolutely right willing to do other jobs rather than care for elderly MIL.
Honestly it shows a good heart. She knows it won’t last long and that’s why she agreed. Taking on end of life care is an enormous endeavor and the fact that she was willing to do it I think says miles about her personality.
My mil is a low level narcissist with skewed “old fashioned” views, says out of bounds shit and like to interrupt any and everything to tell you about her trip to the mail box. Super fucking annoying, yes, but would I let her die in pain surrounded by nurses who likely don’t give a shit? No.
That said, if it’s not hospice care, it’s not happening in my home. She can die in my care surrounded by family but not live under my roof for any period.
Maybe they are from the culture which holds strong patriarchy. In such a culture, this is common thing. MIL hates her DIL, despise on DIL but DIL should obey and take care of.I really wish OOP run away.
Granted, you can argue that OP was put in a position where if she said “no,” she would look like a monster. To her husband I mean. And since they can’t force Menace In-Law to sell her house, she has lost lots of money she could have saved to get mommy-dearest to a hospice care home.
🤣 Inheritance? Drowning in debt? This is absurd. The woman has cancer, I get it, but she needs some kind of shock and awe campaign to understand how messed up it is that her son and wife are bending over backwards to take care of her, and this asset needs to be liquidated immediately to take care of her.
The inheritance is the house they'll have to sell immediately because her medical bills are crushing them? If you wanna live with me and have me quit my job, you're selling that damn house. Period.
Hate this doormat behavior. I just can't stand it. And I suffer for every woman who thinks she has to do it. Fuck the husband who puts his wife in this situation. This is patriarchy at its finest.
Quitting a job for your MIL who is horrible to you to take care of her full time? I don't have any words for this.
It's hard to even feel bad for people who lack THIS much of a backbone. For fuck's sake, why are YOU quitting your job to take care of her?? Why are you making yourself miserable over this awful human? Wash your hands of her, nature is running its course.
They might come from a culture where DIL is expected to care for the in-laws. I think OOP is in a tough place because if she wants to continue having a relationship with her husband, kicking her MIL out is not something that will make him happy.
She's probably also not in a good place emotionally and mentally- caretaking for someone you love is hard enough. Caretaking for someone who you don't get along with an don't like but have to because you care about your spouse...is next level harder.
As adults, sometimes we have to do things we don't like because we care about the people we love.
Final statement from OOP:
> "yes, she really has it She is not tolerating meals, I must help her go to the bathroom and shower as well. She just sits on the couch and screams to ask and demand things".
This is not proof and easily faked. So far all we get from this is that she screams, wears a diaper and only eats once a day.
>"Because of the free healthcare in my country, they didn't really do much. They also did not give a prognosis. They reinstated her on some painkillers but it really don't help anything anymore"
OK this sounds like Europe, where I am. She has stage 4 cancer but no prognosis and aren't doing much? That's not how it works in countries with tax paid national healthcare. Something is off here. Stage 4 cancer she would be very much taken care of, and would most certainly have a prognosis. If not Europe than UK or Canada. I don't know about Canada but UK there would be a prognosis, healthcare, and the NHS would even provide a carer (or two). I had a friend whose mother had early onset Alzheimer's in the UK and she had round the clock government provided carers (multiple).
She's fine being a financial burden and making OP quit her job, but not selling her house because that's inheritance? That inheritance is just going to go into paying down the debts they're incurring for end of life care.
Honestly, she can stay in that house and get a nurse to care for her. If she was insulting and rude enough she had to be kicked out once, no way is it happening again. And on the off chance it had to happen- husbands should be the one taking time of and being the care taker. It's his mom. Her career shouldn't take the hit. She shouldn't be the one to not get respite from her MIL.
How to ruin a marriage almost immediately. They need to kick MIL into a hospice care center on the government’s dime (MOST states will cover it through government insurance). The husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mother her diagnosis doesn’t mean she can be horrible to OOP.
I don’t understand where all the sudden debt is coming from if they have free healthcare?
It suggests they couldn’t financially go to one salary without going into debt immediately just to cover basic bills / living expenses. That means they must have lived paycheck to paycheck which makes it even more confusing why she would quit.
And what happened to college?
A lot of this doesn’t ring true to me.
That’s very possible! No matter where they are, though, OOP needs to get granny into a place to take care of her so OOP can get their life back on track. Hope the marriage can recover but I doubt it at this point.
Whomever needs to hear it: Think about these stories when someone tries to shame you for not having children. I'd rather suffer alone and die than force my kid/his family to care for me to this extent (i.e., that it ruins their life). This is the "legacy"needy, narcissistic parents really leave behind.
If it’s stage 4 it could have affected her brain . Not an excuse I know but my sister behaved very off brand and was clingy and controlling but she had stage 4 cancer that had gone to her brain . Just a thought because it was very weird behavior from this woman . That and listing her house well below market value .
Why the fuck is *she* the one who quit her job?? This is the worst possible outcome for both of them. The MIL would be much more comfortable with her son assisting her, and OOP would be way more comfortable not burning herself out caring for an awful woman. The *husband* should’ve been the one who quit, the fuck? And I doubt money is an issue considering this woman has a whole house she can sell
OOP needs to leave. She’s getting nothing out of this. Her husband is getting an inheritance. He gets to keep his job. His mother is getting a slave caring for her while she dies, and she gets to treat her worse than she’d treat her son and just abuse her whenever she’s having a bad day (which, for a dying woman, is every day). OOP’s getting nothing but taken for granted
Since I haven't seen anyone actually pose this question.
Does she *actually* have stage 4 stomach cancer? Did this diagnosis come from a doctor? Did she hear this diagnosis from a doctor *directly*?
From the mother-in-law's prospective, she could *easily* view a cancer diagnosis as a means to get everything she wants. She wants to live with her son , and be cared for 24/7. It would be trivial to simply say "I have stage four cancer" when the doctor says " you have stage 3 or stage 2 cancer".
I wouldn't trust this without a more reliable source for the diagnosis. She has every incentive to increase the stage of the cancer to achieve the goals she has. She can pretend to be on death's door with a real diagnosis of stage 2 cancer by lying.
At what stage do you have to own that you are the co-creator of your own misery, and take some accountability for your choices?
Several of these steps required her cooperation.
So 4 months after she moved out, it was stage 4 stomach cancer? She didn't have any symptoms or worries during the time she was living with them? And the doctors haven't given a prognosis?
Something tells me this is all taking place in India, too.
Wow. That was the dumbest outcome. Where the fuck did her brain from the first time go? She couldn't tolerate her MIL normally, but now the woman is acting worse, OOP *quit her job*, and is in debt (maybe quitting your job wasn't such a smart idea after all, huh?) because of the MIL and suddenly she's all "I have to support my husband!"
Do you have it in writing and have heard the doctors say cancer yourself or do you wait outside the doctors room till she comes out? Yes I am being overly cautious as a friend faked cancer to get us all to run around after her after a fall out and pay for things turns out she was going in to her doctors appointments for migraines. It made it worse for me as my close relative had just died from cancer at age 35 he had children and a wife it was still very painful and she used that as the friend group all loved him. She's using you maybe go back to work and look into a care home for her before you break your only human being a carer is hard work
You need a break
I'm curious, if she's late stage? Shouldn't the OP husband have POA? If he did, then he could just list the house? Cause I doesn't seem like she would be able to return anyways given her condition. Even if she doesn't stay with her son and OP ifs most likely going to be a hospice if they could afford it
In the early stages of our relationship, my husband and I both agreed that we'd never try to push the other to have their parent live with us. Thank god we did. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. I couldn't handle 7 days of what OOP is going through when she first moved in, let alone 7 months.
They never should have let her move back in, there had to have been other options. She should also be made to sell her home, she could be ruining their lives for years from now
She wants the house as his inheritance? At this rate they're going to sell it anyway to pay off the debts her care caused. Might as well not accrue the debts in the first place and possibly pay for some help caring for her.
Loving how MIL thinks that you can receive an inheritance while in MASSIVE debt (technically you do still receive the inheritance but you don’t get to keep it)
She needs to put her house on the market immediately
Your husband needs his inheritance early because taking care of her *now* is putting you in debt
That’s ridiculous
Stomach cancer is shit, my friend's mother passed away last year from it. when they discovered it she was at stage 4 and only lived another 4 months.
I'm surprised OP, her husband and MIL aren't living in the MIL's house. If it's to be the inheritance then I'd assume it's already payed for and so OP and her husband can cut the costs of rent/mortgage out and then be alright
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Don't want to be rude... But... What is the doctor's timeline for her dying?
Probably the first time on reddit I didn't instinctively feel like responding with "fuck cancer"
I still say "fuck cancer." Stomach cancer is a horrible way to go. I'm still upset that Mr. Rogers died from stomach cancer. If anyone on earth deserved a peaceful passing, it was Mr. Rogers.
Stomach cancer is horrendous, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. It took my dad 364 days ago.
Sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, I know firsthand how bad it is, and I also won't wish it to my worst enemy. Lost my mom to the same thing. She passed in about 2 months after getting worse and being admitted to the hospital.
I'm so sorry to here that. I guess it's "good" when things progress this quickly. At first dad just had high infection numbers, they diagnosed him 2 weeks after being admitted to the hospital, gave him a few months. We could tell it wouldn't be nearly that long so we spent every waking minute together. He lost consciousnes a week after the diagnosis and was pretty much delirious for one week. Then he died, 4 weeks after entering the hospital. At that point we were thankful that he was able to go, that he didn''t have to suffer too long yet we were all able to say our goodbyes and tell him, show him how dearly we love him. Few people are this "lucky" under such circumstances.
Agree. As much as I miss my mom, I was relieved she didn't have to suffer for long. She was very weak in the end, the cancer hasn't progressed to the point to hurt but she was deteriorating fast. For her, it was anemia at first. She had known about it for a few months, but dismissed it as nothing concerning, and I later learned she had refused her GP's recommendation to be admitted for a few days for further testing. The iron supplements she had been taking didn't work anymore and she almost collapsed when with a friend, so she was admitted. They took about 2 weeks to diagnose her too, and stabilized the anemia with blood transfusions. She spent about a month in the hospital, and got discharged, as they didn't have an oncology unit. We went to an oncologist to see how to go from there, took some time to convince her to go, she knew it was terminal, just didn't know what time she had left. They gave her a few months at most. The only thing that could have given her more time were more blood transfusions but she had to be admitted again, and she said she doesn't want to spend any more time in hospitals, and wanted to spend whatever time she had at home. From what was explained to me, not treating the anemia meant it would eventually kill her before the cancer got worse, she would slip into a coma and go peacefully, and that's what eventually happened. It was just 2 weeks after the consultation with the oncologist.
51 weeks here ... Luckily my mom wasn't in pain (it was breast cancer that had spread wildly) and died somewhat peacefully in her home (yhough her last minutes were awful. I came to the bedroom because I heard something and she was choking. I moved her to her side and she threw up. While I was cleaning her her body gave up). She had been diagnosed initially less than 4 months earlier but had probably known for a while. She was a former nurse and always said her breast cancer would come back and it would kill her the second time so she wasn't exactly motivated for treatment. But I'm happy we got to spend her last months together and that she was so comfortable. My heart broke the next day when I found her, waiting for the mortician, with my old senior dog sleeping on her legs for the last time. She loved my menace of a boy tons and loved having him in her bed with her so it was a perfect goodbye for both of them.
It's hard to upvote such a sad experience, but I'm so glad she had both of you to offer her love during and after her passing. My grandma lived with my parents before she passed last year and my parents' cat used to love sleeping on her bed. A few hours after she died, my family and I walked into her room to find miss Mocha laying on her chest and that sweet little kitty *GLARED* at us. It was absolutely obvious that she wanted some private time to mourn, so we left her alone for a bit. She laid on Carol's chest for a good long while before rejoining the family. It was so sad to see, but also so, so right and loving and purely *good*. If there's an afterlife, I'm certain both your mom and my grandma smiled at the love they saw shown to them. ❤️
That was the best part of this period in life for me. Knowing that I made sure my mom felt safe with me being her advocate when she couldn't speak for herself and that she got to go fast and in a somewhat dignified manner. We'd prepared for her to k\*ll herself if it got too bad but since it was with my pills she'd rather stick it out in hopes of me and my doctor not getting in legal troubles - eventhough I told her that that was a problem I'd have no issue living with and dealing with and that I hope I get the same opportunity when it's my time. Her last months were filled with ppl coming together to show love and support, not just for her but for me as well, and it made her feel safe "leaving me" knowing that I had ppl to take care of me as well. I just bought my new home with my inheritence and for a start it'll be furnished with her things. I'm so sad she never got to see the place but I love feeling like it's "ours", not just mine. I decided it's time to move "back home" to all the ppl who are there for me.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best in this new(ish) stage in your life. You all did good for her. ❤️
I am so sorry that you had to go through this. Bit glad to hear that you are able to take away whatever "positiv" aspects you can. I think that's what keeps us sane, and what our parents would want for us
I'm sorry for your loss and that your father died that way.
My condolences, and sending you strength for this upcoming weekend and beyond.
Thank you for your kind words and wishes
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Mine as well. 9 months of watching him die. Sending virtual hugs to all who need it after remembering loved ones.
I lost my dad to colon cancer 70 days ago. My sincere condolences on the loss of your dad and on the horrible memories the decline leaves with you. Of course, I knew I would someday have to go through losing my parents unless I happened to pass young. I just didn't want to lose him through such horrible physical suffering. My dad was an outstanding person and father and didn't deserve a minute of what happened to him. I truly wouldn't wish it on someone. Fuck Cancer.
Does she actually have cancer though. From the description she seems like the kind of person that would lie about that
She would have to be one of the most dedicated actors on the planet to fake stage 4 stomach cancer. There are actually some symptoms that can't be faked. Frankly, it's a brutal death.
Yeah exactly, nothing she’s describing couldn’t be the MIL just pretending
I also highkey think she's faking it.
Yes, still fuck cancer. However, do not expect assholes to no longer be assholes just because they have it. Not many people change personalities and become grateful when they get ill - some do, but it is not the norm. OOP knew who MIL was and she knew the problematic behavior would be an issue when she chose to sacrifice her sex life, career, pension, and personal funds to give MIL care. I dont think I cold do that. I am ok with sacrificing my free time to help out FIL who has dementia (he is a sweet person tho) but that is to supplement care - not be the main carer. I would not move in with him, nor quit my job. I would not sacrifice my finances either - gifts and such are ok but I'd probably do that anyway because we have (had) that kind of relationship. But it has really brought home how important it is to self-care and not get carer's burnout, how to set boundaries about what you are willing and not willing to do. Imo it is not worth it if your own life goes down the drain to get someone a little bit more comfortable. Not if there are any other options, like most first-world countries have. Even the US has options for people without insurance to get low level care. Those options should always be utilized to the fullest first.
That man saved my life. I grew up in extreme abuse and I escaped to his land of make believe. He also showed me that not everyone will do the right thing but that doesn't mean I can't.
He helped a lot of kids who had no one else to help them. I'm sorry that you were one of them. Glad that he helped you though.
Thank you. I watched the documentary on him and my heart broke for him too. The fact he made it his life's work to help others, honestly I was so humbled by that.
Were you around when Rush Limbaugh died?
Did you see where Limbaugh had said about 20 years before he died where he didn't care about cancer because he wouldn't have it for another 20 years? Man was actually correct. Broken clocks.
Just like the stopped clock, occasionally cancer takes the deserving. Not often enough.
My uncle was crushed by a falling grandfather clock back in '85.
Relatable.
We salute comrade cigar 🚬
I only wish the cancer had gotten him 20 years sooner
I always seem to forget that he died, and everytime I remember, it makes my day a little better.
Fair enough, but may i give you a new argument. You should always respond "Fuck Cancer", but in thus case add on a "Fuck MIL" to keep your karmic balance.
We can still say "fuck cancer", because without the cancer the MIL would still not be making OOP's life Hell.
Yes. I kind of love this for her. Not entirely, because cancer is shit and I've got empathy, but... There's less deserving people out there, you know?
Nah, still fuck cancer. Not only is that an absolutely devastating way to go, but it made OOP's life dramatically worse as well. Had MIL not gotten cancer, she wouldn't have had to move in with OOP and her husband. They wouldn't be swimming in debt, and OOP wouldn't have to take care of MIL all day. If there's any schadenfreude derived from MIL's misfortune, it's cancelled out by OOP's misfortune.
OOP is a better woman than I am because no way am I quitting my job to take care of a woman who treats me with such contempt. I would rather work longer hours, hire a nurse, and keep my distance.
Yes. My partner and I have a hard agreement that we won't become caretakers, especially not for his parents, but even for my mom not longer than a few weeks
Right call, if it took my MIL a longer time to go either my partner would have to distance himself or I'd would have had to leave him. End of life care is horrific from so many different angles that people don't even think about, especially if there's disagreements on how to provide care like in our case.
Honestly, it doesn't sound like she's a better woman. Sounds more like she was being taken advantage by the MIL, especially now that the MIL has a "Get-out-of-Jail" card with her cancer. Sure she won't be long, but the thing is can OOP and her husband continue their marriage before MIL finally kicks the bucket? Or would it break before the funeral.
In all honesty: letting people treat you like shit doesn't make you a better person and especially not a better woman. If have to judge who is better: then it's probably you. We really have to change parameters on who is good and who is not. Especially for women. The criteria can't be: if you give up everything in your life for other people (in most cases your husband and your husband's weird family) then you are holy. Fuck that.
"Ask a man to describe the qualities of a good woman and watch him describe a slave"
Exactly! Being a martyr isn't noble, it's just self-destructive. I'm sorry but OOP is a doormat.
Seriously. Nothing noble about letting a woman who has no respect for you trample all over you while you house her, wipe her ass and quit your job, eliminating your income and essentially trapping yourself. She is living in a hell she put herself in. It’s honestly pretty pathetic. Her husband is the one who wanted to take his mother back, he should be the one caretaking.
If I had money to spare, you'd have an award.
It's not that she's a better person, she just has less respect for herself.
Not soon enough, clearly.
"Yesterday" wouldn't have been soon enough.
people like her hang on to dear life for waaayyyy too long The ones that are selfless are those who go quickly
Evil doesn't die, lol
Patient: Doctor, doctor, how long have I got? Doctor: 10 Patient: 10? 10 what? Doctor: 9... 8... 7... 6... (it's pretty close to the truth in this case)
If it's stage four stomach cancer, not too long. It'll hurt like hell though and she'll make everyone around her miserable before she goes.
Depends. My mom had a tumor in her stomach causing severe anemia. The anemia and not being able to keep down almost anything took her before the cancer progressed to hurting like hell. Edit: Sorry for the multiple same answers. I got an error, and I didn't realise it posted at all, let alone 4 times. Tried to delete the copies.
Would have been my first question when MIL needed to move in again lol. “Oh, that’s terrible… Did they say how long you have? What’s the max?”
Is there *ANNNYYYYY* chance for remission? Or a miraculous recovery? Are we talking years? Months? Weeks? Is there a chance she will become mute due to this? I’m gonna put money on MIL’s dying wish to be something like: “All I want is to spent my last few weeks alone with my son. So pack a bag OOP and head on out.” And with that, OOP gets kicked out of her own home by her husband, and her MIL - for her one last act of petty enmeshment. I’m also betting that when she passes, and they go to sell the house, that there’s been two other mortgages taken out on it, it’s already sold, or it’s been willed to someone else. Almost closing on it for less than market value, then suddenly changing her mind to keep it so it can be her son’s “inheritance” sounds sketchy AF - especially when her son is already drowning in debt due to her.
Nah, they need OOP for indentured servitude. Baby boy can't do those things!
But it's not just the son drowning in debt. OP and son are married so his debt is her debt.
If the doctors are not doing much then most likely very soon. They are not doing much not because of free healthcare (that was a weird comment), but because they know there is not much to be done. Stage 4 is usually fast.
My mother just refused supporting treatment when she got the news that there is no hope for getting better, just giving her a bit more time. She was fed up with hospitals. We do have free healthcare, so money wasn't the issue. She just wanted to die at home in peace. The prognosis was up to 6 months, it took her 2 weeks after this conversation, and 2 months after initially stepping in a hospital.
I know two people now who were told they had several months left, and it was six weeks
Yeah thank you for saying this - free healthcare doesn’t mean they won’t treat you, lol.
I took it more as OP might think people may ask if MIL has her own health care or is on her son's now. Or basically, OP and her husband are paying for it in some way. Not that MIL wouldn't be treated.
>she was not very keen on going to the doctor either since she liked to self-medicate to relieve stomach pain. > they didn't really do much. They also did not give a prognosis. They reinstated her on some painkillers but it really don't help anything anymore. I really hope OOP understands that this also makes sense backwards. She thinks the issue is the cancer (I hesitate to say diagnosis as it sounds self reported) and the fallout is her suffering and their financial distress. But depending on the MIL it makes sense that she was so shocked by being kicked out that this is all about establishing who's in charge here. The issue is punishing them for kicking her out and the cancer is how to do it. Drive the couple into debt, then dangle the prospect of inheriting the asset in front of them to get them to fall in line. They can't afford to turn it down. Make sure DIL knows her place, have her quit her job to literally wipe your ass. Sit around and scream at her, don't eat her food which you never cared for anyway. Now you're back in your rightful place, you can get in your son's ear about how much you don't like his wife. I don't think MIL is a reliable narrator. She's had a front row seat to how this disease progresses, she's not keen on doctors... sure that might be because she's seen her family suffer and doesn't want it to go like that. But the timing just feels so perfectly in line with the manipulative parent cliche.
Spot on
I'm kinda wondering if she really has cancer. Maybe it's a ploy, and in 5 years time they'll realize she's still around and not dying.
No discussion about treatments or prognosis from the doctors = Mil is faking and unless her family were exposed to environmental harm, the likelihood of multiple relatives dying of only 2 conditions is low.
Unless it's a family of alcoholics, which can cause both.
There really isn’t a treatment for stage 4 stomach cancer. It’s one of those cancers that if you get the diagnosis and it’s that advanced, you’re told to put your affairs in order.
Stomach cancer is one of those cancers that unless they catch it early, it’s a terminal diagnosis that there isn’t much they can do about it. It’s also excruciatingly painful. It honestly tracks that she just has painkillers and isn’t able to eat much. My guess is that if we get another update, it will be in the late fall when the mil has died.
This can get tough... I have an aunt that has been that she will probably not make it to the next Christmas for seven years now
Sounds like it won't be long. She's not getting any treatment, just painkillers, and she can no longer eat properly. Her body will shut down on her either due to the illness or due to starvation.
[https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/stomach-cancer/survival](https://www.cancerresearchuk.org/about-cancer/stomach-cancer/survival) The UK health system has no statistics for 5 year survival rates of stage 4 stomach cancer because there aren't enough people who manage it to have statistics. 20% or one in 5 are alive after one year, so the odds are pretty good that evil MIL here's life span is best measured in months.
Father in law was apparently told by the doctors he had 6 months to live. 10 years ago. Still kicking. It took my partner 7 years of this guilting to realize we can't keep dropping everything for his "dying" father. God help this poor woman. She should have divorced her husband the first time.
I had a great uncle who was given 6 months, and died 14 years later. He survived Japan invading the Philippines though, so he was made of pure iron.
Exactly my thought. Stage 4 in the stomach is usually quick.
I hate to admit but here's hoping although, unless OP went to the drs with her, I'm not holding my breath it's real because "just reinstating pain killers" isn't going to do much. So unless OP left out more details regarding her MILs palliative care, I'm dubious about the diagnosis.
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My nanna had liver cancer and it was pretty much keep her as comfortable as possible. She was also DNR so it was just palliative care. It was partly a blessing the cancer took her because her Alzheimer’s was at the point she could at least remember who her family was, even if she forgot who had died. Fuck Alzheimer’s and fuck cancer.
My dad had esophageal cancer which was essentially stomach cancer. Tumor was at the junction of the two. Without medical intervention, I think he would have starved to death in under a year. So it depends on how overweight MIL is. My father is still dying, but we bought him a few years to be with my mother before the rest of the cancer takes him away from us.
you'd be surprised how long some of them old gals can hang on. Why do you think they used to put em out on the ice flow?
The marriage could be irreparably damaged by that time, no matter what that time is. In which case, MIL can die happy. Mission accomplished.
Well, apparently MIL "isn't keen on going to the doctor and likes to self medicate", so I mean...DID she go to a doctor?
Same thing crossed my mind.
My exact first thought, hehe. I was like may be she will be alive for a few months and then gone for good?
Miracle cure for cancer incoming.
Yikes.
Double yikes!
She quit her job? What in the world possessed her to do that? This is just bonkers.
Right? Why didn't he quit his job? If OOP's salary is much lower, I'd understand, but if they're drowning in debt, then either option is unviable. I know it's tough, but they could have pressed more on selling the house because they're making their future miserable by taking on all these debts
I suspect the house is a money pit. She listed it very low the first time, os refusing to list it again, and is in another state where she is mot living and they havent seen it in a while, I'm guessing the house is in poor repair or has some major problems she's not disclosing.
From the wording my assumption was that it may be a place like Brazil where people often sell their own homes and maybe she didn't even know how much it was worth. I actually think she already sold the house, didn't get very much from it and ran out of money quickly.
Agreed - or they should have both refused to quit their jobs and insist on carers. They shouldn’t have caved - MIL is clearly bonkers if she thinks it is better for them to go into debt now, and personally be hit financially, and then get her house as inheritance rather than sell the damn house now and use it to fund the necessary lifestyle changes that come with supporting her. It’s just another way for MIL to control them, but I absolutely wouldn’t take that BS - it would be a condition of her moving in that she sell the house and contribute so they don’t go into debt caring for her.
To be fair, with student loans they were probably neck deep already. But that doesn’t change the fact that this was the worst way they could have handled it. There is an empty house and they are paying for an apartment. He quits, puts his studies on hold, and goes home to take care of mom(and prepare the house for sale). She keeps studying, working, and lives with her parents. It would suck, no doubt about that, but the alternative seems to be a failing marriage and massive amounts of stress, all so they can end up deeper in debt.
This. Sell the house and hire a caretaker. Or get a second job and hire a caretaker. Drowning in debt for the pleasure of taking care of someone who hates your guts is not the way to do it. I understand why oop is doing it and I can appreciate it. It is a shitty situation. I just hope this was truly her decision and it won't blow up in her face
it is entirely possible that a caretaker costs more than they could afford even with a second job.
And the quality isn't as good. My grandfather has Alzheimer's and I told my mom for years to make my brother the caregiver and use the Medicaid family caregiver benefits. She went through half a dozen crappy companies before she relented and the care my brother gives is 1000x better.
Because that's what women do. It's the worst
Yeap. A lot of women don't even realize they actually *can* so no to it; the ingraining is that deep. I've told my family repeatedly that my parents are on their own when they're old, but I know they don't believe me because as the only girl, I will of course take on that responsibility. Uuuhhhh - nope. Never.
I'm a preschool teacher and "no is allowed" for so many things the kids sometimes seem surprised they have that much control over their choices. No is only *not* a choice for supervision, toileting, and first aid.
yeah, I don’t really get all the must’s either. she _must_ quit her job (even if they can’t afford it), she _must_ care for her MIL and become her literal servant, she _must_ let her live with them without selling her house to help with expenses.. I’m sorry but “in sickness and in health” is limited to her husband and does not include his mother. he can figure out a care plan for her. why should she bear the brunt of it?
If my SO asked me to quit my job for someone who hated my guts, I'd quit the marriage instead of my job.
Sounds like she'll be back at work soon enough.
OP has to be Asian, probably from the subcontinent, otherwise none of this makes any sense.
I could imagine it happening in Eastern Europe too. Although I don't understand complaining about free healthcare in this case - cancer is treated relatively well, if the doctors are doing nothing, it means she is terminal and nothing is to be done (stage 4 also suggests that).
I'd have moved back with the rents before quitting my job and taking care of some hateful MIL full time. Yuck!
Because women are not valued or respected on our planet.
Why do I feel like her marriage will die either with or before her MIL?
Stage four stomach cancer? Before. Wrapping up a marriage takes way longer, and there's no way they'd do that while MIL is living with them and literally dying, which given the condition is practically within stop-watch range.
How sure are we of that? Because the MIL said so? The MIL who doesn't go to the doctor and apparently doesn't get medecine from a doctor? A doctor that apparently gave a stage 4 cancer patient no timeline? I dunno man, I'd want to see some hard evidence of this diagnosis if I was OOP.
I mean, she said they got married having not lived together before on top of barely seeing each other. Before I read about the MIL I was wondering why they got married in the first place.
they’re also in college so i imagine they’re hella young
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Seriously, and blast something obnoxious and bass heavy just for the fun of knowing her hair is probably curling in disgusted rage.
If they stop they're the weirdos who got caught shagging with their mother / mil in the next room. If they continue the mother / mil is the weirdo watching other people shag.
best response lol
>We are drowning in debt since my husband's salary is not enough to cover all expenses. My husband suggested putting my mother-in-law's house up for sale again and she refused, saying that it was the only thing she had left and that she wanted it to be my husband's inheritance. So they get to rack up more debt waiting for her to croak even though she's no longer even living in the house, and then eventually sell it after all of the probate stuff is done, assuming he's actually going to inherit the house with no other debt attached, instead of selling it now and covering her care? And her husband's okay with that "logic"? Run, sister, run!
Yeah that screams she'd reverse mortgaged it or is underwater on it in some other way.
Oh ...maybe that's why she was about to sell it for less before? They REALLY need to find out what's going on with this house before they get further into debt on her behalf.
Oh ya that could be true, I really hope not but it is really odd.
What MIL is telling them without saying it, is that she's happy the way things are. I would not be surprised if it comes out that she's not as sick as she claims, or the house is willed to somebody else, or that she already sold it... but using the money to cover her care would mean she wouldn't get to monopolise everyone's time and attention. She wouldn't be able to sit there making everyone suffer as "punishment" for kicking her out. This is the best version of her current situation for her, everyone else doesn't really matter.
Yeah, and there’s the question why she was going to sell it way under market value.
so it sells ASAP and her son cant kick her out without the added guilt of making her homeless on top of being a widow
This is sad. She is being used.
Why the hell has OOP quit *her* job? Why hasn't her son? I am so fucking sick of reading these scenarios where women sacrifice their careers and goals to carry the burden of caring for family; and in this case, it isn't even her direct family, and it's for a woman who treats her like crap. Wtf?
Husband probably made more money
As someone who quit their job to look after their MIL before her passing from Cancer, I can honestly say with all sincerity, OOP is likely not in a very good place right now, both mentally and physically. My MIL was my best friend, I spent a year caring for her every single day. Cooked for her, cleaned for her, got her bathed and dressed every day, helped her go to the toilet, took care of her medications, stayed up talking to her when the pain was too much for her to sleep. I did all I could for her, and I was exhausted, but I didn't let it show because I felt I didn't have a right to feel that way. I wasn't the one who was sick, and I wasn't the one who was loosing their mother. But I didn't stop, and when she passed I felt so incredibly guilty, like I didn't do enough and it was my fault she had passed. I did it all for love, so for OOP to have been treated this way by both her MIL **AND** her husband, but still have the capacity to care to this level shows how good of a person they are. I hope she manages to find some time to take care of herself, on top of this - having money issues must be so tough. Its hard to say this, but at least when MIL passes, she will have something less on her plate. I hope the husband sees what she is doing for him, and not just himself.
For fuck sakes, OP what are you even doing? That MIL is husband's problem not hers.
“My MIL doesn’t like me” and “I quit my job to be her caregiver” are strange thoughts to put together.
around here, if the couple is old school and can't afford retirement house, like my parents, wife is expected to take care even of MIL. My mom had to do it. Differences were that MIL was a saint and you could see her feeling guilty for bothering us. She could not walk on stairs last year of her life, MIL had to move with us. But it was hard on mom as well. It was a lot of work. Mom was absolutely right willing to do other jobs rather than care for elderly MIL.
Honestly it shows a good heart. She knows it won’t last long and that’s why she agreed. Taking on end of life care is an enormous endeavor and the fact that she was willing to do it I think says miles about her personality. My mil is a low level narcissist with skewed “old fashioned” views, says out of bounds shit and like to interrupt any and everything to tell you about her trip to the mail box. Super fucking annoying, yes, but would I let her die in pain surrounded by nurses who likely don’t give a shit? No. That said, if it’s not hospice care, it’s not happening in my home. She can die in my care surrounded by family but not live under my roof for any period.
Maybe they are from the culture which holds strong patriarchy. In such a culture, this is common thing. MIL hates her DIL, despise on DIL but DIL should obey and take care of.I really wish OOP run away.
I hope OP uses those words against him in court for their future divorce.
Judge might tell her that this was a pretty dumb decision she made, a court certified pushover
Granted, you can argue that OP was put in a position where if she said “no,” she would look like a monster. To her husband I mean. And since they can’t force Menace In-Law to sell her house, she has lost lots of money she could have saved to get mommy-dearest to a hospice care home.
🤣 Inheritance? Drowning in debt? This is absurd. The woman has cancer, I get it, but she needs some kind of shock and awe campaign to understand how messed up it is that her son and wife are bending over backwards to take care of her, and this asset needs to be liquidated immediately to take care of her.
The inheritance is the house they'll have to sell immediately because her medical bills are crushing them? If you wanna live with me and have me quit my job, you're selling that damn house. Period.
Hate this doormat behavior. I just can't stand it. And I suffer for every woman who thinks she has to do it. Fuck the husband who puts his wife in this situation. This is patriarchy at its finest. Quitting a job for your MIL who is horrible to you to take care of her full time? I don't have any words for this.
if you combine the bone fragments in oop's + husband's backs, you might find enough to make one whole spine
I got my microscope out but sadly I’m not having much luck over here lmao.
Not even a single vertebrae, my friend.
> 3 AM she casually got up and knocked on our door asking "What are we doing?" "Trying to give you a grand kid! Get the fuck out!!!"
It's hard to even feel bad for people who lack THIS much of a backbone. For fuck's sake, why are YOU quitting your job to take care of her?? Why are you making yourself miserable over this awful human? Wash your hands of her, nature is running its course.
They might come from a culture where DIL is expected to care for the in-laws. I think OOP is in a tough place because if she wants to continue having a relationship with her husband, kicking her MIL out is not something that will make him happy. She's probably also not in a good place emotionally and mentally- caretaking for someone you love is hard enough. Caretaking for someone who you don't get along with an don't like but have to because you care about your spouse...is next level harder. As adults, sometimes we have to do things we don't like because we care about the people we love.
He's not mature enough to be a husband.
Final statement from OOP: > "yes, she really has it She is not tolerating meals, I must help her go to the bathroom and shower as well. She just sits on the couch and screams to ask and demand things". This is not proof and easily faked. So far all we get from this is that she screams, wears a diaper and only eats once a day. >"Because of the free healthcare in my country, they didn't really do much. They also did not give a prognosis. They reinstated her on some painkillers but it really don't help anything anymore" OK this sounds like Europe, where I am. She has stage 4 cancer but no prognosis and aren't doing much? That's not how it works in countries with tax paid national healthcare. Something is off here. Stage 4 cancer she would be very much taken care of, and would most certainly have a prognosis. If not Europe than UK or Canada. I don't know about Canada but UK there would be a prognosis, healthcare, and the NHS would even provide a carer (or two). I had a friend whose mother had early onset Alzheimer's in the UK and she had round the clock government provided carers (multiple).
She's fine being a financial burden and making OP quit her job, but not selling her house because that's inheritance? That inheritance is just going to go into paying down the debts they're incurring for end of life care. Honestly, she can stay in that house and get a nurse to care for her. If she was insulting and rude enough she had to be kicked out once, no way is it happening again. And on the off chance it had to happen- husbands should be the one taking time of and being the care taker. It's his mom. Her career shouldn't take the hit. She shouldn't be the one to not get respite from her MIL.
If the house is going to be his inheritance, then let him sell it now, when they need it to support your lazy, dying ass.
Husband should have quit his job. Why the hell should she? What a cluster.
How to ruin a marriage almost immediately. They need to kick MIL into a hospice care center on the government’s dime (MOST states will cover it through government insurance). The husband needs to grow a spine and tell his mother her diagnosis doesn’t mean she can be horrible to OOP.
I don't think OOP is in the US.
>Because of the free healthcare in my country Definitely not
I don’t understand where all the sudden debt is coming from if they have free healthcare? It suggests they couldn’t financially go to one salary without going into debt immediately just to cover basic bills / living expenses. That means they must have lived paycheck to paycheck which makes it even more confusing why she would quit. And what happened to college? A lot of this doesn’t ring true to me.
That’s very possible! No matter where they are, though, OOP needs to get granny into a place to take care of her so OOP can get their life back on track. Hope the marriage can recover but I doubt it at this point.
I dont believe the cancer is real.
Exactly. I would want to talk to the doctor.
She quit her job to take care of a woman who hates her. That’s on her. I’d be back at my parents
Whomever needs to hear it: Think about these stories when someone tries to shame you for not having children. I'd rather suffer alone and die than force my kid/his family to care for me to this extent (i.e., that it ruins their life). This is the "legacy"needy, narcissistic parents really leave behind.
If it’s stage 4 it could have affected her brain . Not an excuse I know but my sister behaved very off brand and was clingy and controlling but she had stage 4 cancer that had gone to her brain . Just a thought because it was very weird behavior from this woman . That and listing her house well below market value .
Why the fuck is *she* the one who quit her job?? This is the worst possible outcome for both of them. The MIL would be much more comfortable with her son assisting her, and OOP would be way more comfortable not burning herself out caring for an awful woman. The *husband* should’ve been the one who quit, the fuck? And I doubt money is an issue considering this woman has a whole house she can sell OOP needs to leave. She’s getting nothing out of this. Her husband is getting an inheritance. He gets to keep his job. His mother is getting a slave caring for her while she dies, and she gets to treat her worse than she’d treat her son and just abuse her whenever she’s having a bad day (which, for a dying woman, is every day). OOP’s getting nothing but taken for granted
Who’s living in her house at the moment? Could they rent it out to get the second income back in?
OOP has the backbone of a gummy worm. 🫤
Since I haven't seen anyone actually pose this question. Does she *actually* have stage 4 stomach cancer? Did this diagnosis come from a doctor? Did she hear this diagnosis from a doctor *directly*? From the mother-in-law's prospective, she could *easily* view a cancer diagnosis as a means to get everything she wants. She wants to live with her son , and be cared for 24/7. It would be trivial to simply say "I have stage four cancer" when the doctor says " you have stage 3 or stage 2 cancer". I wouldn't trust this without a more reliable source for the diagnosis. She has every incentive to increase the stage of the cancer to achieve the goals she has. She can pretend to be on death's door with a real diagnosis of stage 2 cancer by lying.
Go back to work and let HER son that she loves more than anything be her caregiver not you
She quit her job!? Girl, at this point you're doing it to yourself.
This story feels very Indian.
At what stage do you have to own that you are the co-creator of your own misery, and take some accountability for your choices? Several of these steps required her cooperation.
Huh??
There was a viking solution to this problem [ättestupa](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C3%84ttestupa)
The house is about to be swallowed by health expenses, OOP just doesn't realize it yet.
In a country with free Healthcare?
That woman does not have cancer - you got played into being her caregiver while she ruins your life. Why don’t you move into her home?
Why is SHE taking care of his mother? Why isn't the MIL in an actual care facility? The husband clearly doesn't stand up to his mother properly.
I want to be hopeful for her, but my dad had stage four stomach cancer over ten years ago. He's still alive and grumpier than before lol
That’s why you shouldn’t live with your parents as a grown-up and especially when married
So 4 months after she moved out, it was stage 4 stomach cancer? She didn't have any symptoms or worries during the time she was living with them? And the doctors haven't given a prognosis? Something tells me this is all taking place in India, too.
Wow. That was the dumbest outcome. Where the fuck did her brain from the first time go? She couldn't tolerate her MIL normally, but now the woman is acting worse, OOP *quit her job*, and is in debt (maybe quitting your job wasn't such a smart idea after all, huh?) because of the MIL and suddenly she's all "I have to support my husband!"
Do you have it in writing and have heard the doctors say cancer yourself or do you wait outside the doctors room till she comes out? Yes I am being overly cautious as a friend faked cancer to get us all to run around after her after a fall out and pay for things turns out she was going in to her doctors appointments for migraines. It made it worse for me as my close relative had just died from cancer at age 35 he had children and a wife it was still very painful and she used that as the friend group all loved him. She's using you maybe go back to work and look into a care home for her before you break your only human being a carer is hard work You need a break
I'm curious, if she's late stage? Shouldn't the OP husband have POA? If he did, then he could just list the house? Cause I doesn't seem like she would be able to return anyways given her condition. Even if she doesn't stay with her son and OP ifs most likely going to be a hospice if they could afford it
She is putting up with too much shit.
People do the dumbest thing for love. Why would quit your job to be abused by husband's mother. Let him quit his job. Geez People!!!
They didn’t give her a prognosis? What did they do? They need to sell her house and she needs to go into a residential facility.
Imagine being put in the position of waiting for a hateful person to die.
Sell the damn house.
Instead of quitting her job why didn’t they get hospice and caregivers for her mother in law?
That inheritance will mean nothing with all of the debt they're gonna be in.
In the early stages of our relationship, my husband and I both agreed that we'd never try to push the other to have their parent live with us. Thank god we did. Your home is supposed to be your sanctuary. I couldn't handle 7 days of what OOP is going through when she first moved in, let alone 7 months.
Why couldn’t they move into MILs house so they don’t have to keep paying for a tiny apartment??
MIL is going to miraculously recover if the end up selling her house.
Yeah.. at this point, OP is doing it to herself. No sympathy.
As soon as she’s gone sell the damn house at market value or above if you can and pay off all of your debts. Good luck op.
Watch she will eventually die leaving them with a mountain of debt from taking care of her and she will will the house to someone else.
They never should have let her move back in, there had to have been other options. She should also be made to sell her home, she could be ruining their lives for years from now
She wants the house as his inheritance? At this rate they're going to sell it anyway to pay off the debts her care caused. Might as well not accrue the debts in the first place and possibly pay for some help caring for her.
Loving how MIL thinks that you can receive an inheritance while in MASSIVE debt (technically you do still receive the inheritance but you don’t get to keep it)
She needs to put her house on the market immediately Your husband needs his inheritance early because taking care of her *now* is putting you in debt That’s ridiculous
They should really put her on morphine, Ativan etc. won’t talk much if she’s knocked out half the time. 🤣
Stomach cancer is shit, my friend's mother passed away last year from it. when they discovered it she was at stage 4 and only lived another 4 months. I'm surprised OP, her husband and MIL aren't living in the MIL's house. If it's to be the inheritance then I'd assume it's already payed for and so OP and her husband can cut the costs of rent/mortgage out and then be alright