#Do not comment on the original posts
Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice.
If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion.
**CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In ~~two~~ one year I expect to read another post from OOP
>AITAH for letting my 18 year old nephew move in with me? My sister says I'm destroying her family.
Given these posts were last year,
>AITAH for letting my 18 year old nephew move in with me? My sister says I'm destroying her family.
Will be next year
Honestly I hope for this update because at least we would know Joe is no longer being financially, emotionally, and mentally abused, emotionally and mentally neglected and is with someone who loves him and let's him have a life
wait for the post in 7 years from the parents. "We haven't heard from our son since the day he turned 18, and it's now been 5 years since we talked to him."
This is definitely going to be a missing missing reason. Either that or they are going to 100% on the golden child and claim that he left because he was uncaring and didn't want to help his sister.
Joe is gonna move out with OOP and they will only notice when Kay wants another White Claw and he's not there with his butler outfit and tray to serve it to her.
hundred percent. i think it goes without saying that any ailment you'd want pepto for would be unwise to combine with alcohol. if kay is going to appointments so often, it seems strange that she wouldn't have been educated about that. as a person with chronic illnesses myself, one of the first things they talk to you about when making your treatment plan is the fact your body having to process alcohol takes important resources away from your circular, digestive and immune systems.
A lot of girls get POTS and electrical heart issues and vagal nerve issues. Gastroparesis and other digestive disorders can be part of it. Women and girls haven’t been studied in medicine for more than 5 minutes, so the diagnoses are hard to find.
Alcohol definitely makes them worse, especially if you also have migraines.
I'm in the process of figuring out what illness I have and I must say it's almost a joke how much medicine has developed solely around male physiology. Many illnesses present different symptoms for women and men and since men have been the main subjects in many studies, diagnosing a woman is even more difficult
This isn't a defense of her, she shouldn't have done that, but a li'l bit of a fizzy alcohol drink like beer, Mike's hard, etc can help if the issue is gallbladder related. You shouldn't mix it with medicine though.
Meanwhile, Kay has become a popular influencer /s
[https://www.reddit.com/r/illnessfakers/comments/1dp3ipr/reading\_a\_book\_and\_saw\_this\_made\_me\_think\_of\_this/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/illnessfakers/comments/1dp3ipr/reading_a_book_and_saw_this_made_me_think_of_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
The phone bill is a thing, but man I would like to see the therapist face if they discover that the "family" is in fact made of another child who's treated like an inconvenience. Feels like it can kinda the whole process of the therapy to hide one of the person who's involved.
I’m wondering if this is truly the case. When I was in high school I went to therapy with both my parents. It’s something a 16 year old could perceive as “family therapy minus me” but it was really just learning how to live in the same space as my parents
If that's what's happening then they desperately need to also schedule some sessions with their son, the glass child who's being left out of everything.
Seems Kay is playing on it as well. She’s conveniently well enough to do things while he’s at work. Plans appointments on his birthday. Joe is going to disown them all.
*hand to forehead*
You just don't understand how hard it is for someone to share attention! How can she ever handle sitting through a movie with her brother there? Be reasonable!
I have fibro (which is similar to what op describes) and symptoms started by the time I was 14 and this girl can go straight to hell for how she's milking it.
My guess is this was the way she's gotten attention from her parents for a long time. It's what she knows works. The parents enabled the behavior and continue to enable the behavior. And Joe gets screwed over because the parents suck.
To be fair, I've known people who are BOTH very sick AND attention seeking. I went to school with someone who had a seizure disorder but then became known for faking them for attention, in additions to the real ones they still had. The sister in this does sound like she's exaggerating some of it, but there might still be a core reason behind all is it.
My mom does this too. She has genuine, real epilepsy. She also fakes having seizures to get out of difficult conversations and whenever her children have major life events planned. It’s both in her case.
My stepmom did this. She has ulcerative colitis but her symptoms always got worse when I did something she didn't like (like existing in her presence or asking her to yell at me less).
This is why I am more worried about Kay. How long can Kay continually play this game? 3 years later. Joe will be free but a mid 20 girl who has no education and little work or life experience, the prospect of having a fulfilling life is slim.
I think OP should focus on helping Joe to achieve independence after he turns 18 rather than involving with current family drama. I'm afraid that Joe's parents will guilt trip Joe to take care of Kay for life. Poor kid, he has no future.
I did a doubletake at that one - it would already be unfair to make Joe pay when they cover Kay's plan themselves - but to make HIM pay for HER phone plan?!? What the actual fuck?! You gave birth to those children, you cover their cost - you don't make one pay for the other! Joe is effing SIXTEEN, and they are using him for disposable income! In Joe's place, I'd just move in with OOP and be done trying to please the 'rents.
The parents are enabling munchausens. I say this as a chronically ill person myself. A lot of people become sick influencers and they get brand deals or people to give them money and then spend it on not medical stuff. They post about their illnesses to get attention. She’s exaggerating whatever she has already to live with her parents and be babied without working or anything. It’s a failure to launch. Luckily Joe seems to have his head on his shoulders and will launch fine without them.
A friend of mine works as a disability advocate at a hospital (she's an AAC speaker as well) and was just ranting the other day on FB about disability 'influencers' and how a lot of disabled/chronically ill folks feel like failures because they're not achieving the kinds of things that the influencers are.
I’m disabled and I work as an advisor, and part of that role of lobbying.
I specifically stopped doing ANY lobbying for disabled people, because I just happen to be really smart, high energy and sort of “abled passing” (I mean, I’m in a wheelchair, I have braces all over, but, but still people tell me I don’t look disabled), also my condition is progressive and my parents are in education.
So unlike a lot of disabled people in my country I went to regular (well, prestigious, but not adapted) schools and regular university. I have like the one job I can do, but it’s not really adapted and I earn a relatively high income. I have a partner and a kid and do some volunteering (again, usually not disability related, unless I’m targeting a specific law I feel I can get changed.)
I started my career lobbying for some disability topics, until a government told me “I don’t get what the problem is, you have a good job, why can’t the other disabled people just do the same”.
If I were lobbying for disability, I would actually harm disabled people. So I don’t.
And I also don’t do much disability related on my social media (that are private). Because I know I’m the outlier (and I don’t intend to be anybody’s inspiration porn).
I know an anorexic lady with a perfect supportive family.
And I think I understand why she does it. A healthy person is given a forever moving goal post in life. Your parents won't tell you well done for being able to function bare minimum. They will criticise you for not waking up before 10am, for not having a full time job, for not cleaning up your room.
Being ill relieves you from that duty, forever being given attention for "getting slightly better". It is addicting to get attention without putting in any effort to love someone back.
Poor kid is being made to feel like a live in stranger in his own home while footing bills that are 1000% his parents responsibility.
Like why in the world is he not being compensated for snacks runs or her phone bill?? There's no good reason he should have to cover any of that.
And it's heartbreaking that his sister while suffering is pretty clearly weaponising her illness to monopolise the time, affection and finances of her parents...like...do they think just cause a kid is growing up well they need no support?
>Recently we had a dinner with some other extended family members and she was talking to them about her health struggles. I noticed her showing them her social media and the comments she is receiving. She was disengaged from any discussion that was not about her and her health, which drove her back to social media.
I've worked with people like this and it's just exhausting.
Preach. I've had headaches all day every day for 6 years. Everytime I see family I haven't seen in a while it's always
How are the headaches?
Uhm, still have them. I'm fine though.
You still have them!?
Yep....every day
Oh no! That must be do painful! How do you live like that? How do you work?
Uhm...I live with them because my body hasn't given me another choice.
Or: have you tried [insert real medical treatment or snake oil]? It worked for my bartender's sister's neighbor
I get people want to help/support and don't know how, but it can be more difficult to deal with their well intentioned intrusiveness than my illness
You have my sympathies. I had a period like that in my 20s. Even went to the doctor and was told I had a brain tumor and was dying - this diagnoses coming without a single test. (Spoiler alert: I did not have a brain tumor.)
I started telling people I’d tried everything short of taking a drill to my head to release the demons, so whatever they wanted to suggest, I guarantee I’d tried it. Luckily, my headaches finally got a little better…until I got pregnant. The first trimester of my pregnancy was the absolute worst because my headaches came back with a vengeance and I could take *nothing* for them.
My favourite is always "have you tried a vegan diet". I love that one, especially when I say yes and it made me incredibly weak and I had the shits for the entire three months I tried it. Started eating meat again and lo and behold! Could you believe it! I was back to my version of 'normal' and I was able to have regular bowel movements without shitting out everything I'd eaten within 30 mins of eating it!
Hard agree on being bored w chronic illness. IIH here! Those conversations are usually : Yes the migraines are daily. Yes it hurts. Yeah I’m sure you couldn’t imagine it daily.
How often do you get “you’re so strong!” during these conversations? Or “try yoga”? I get the yoga one rarely, but I get told how strong I am regularly. (I have multiple sclerosis which has led to an abundance of other issues and chronic pain.)
How did you manage to carry on with a headache every single day for six years? I know there's no simple answer, but I can't imagine it. I can barely function with a headache, let alone handle demanding tasks. How did it eventually go away, and how did you push through? If you don't mind me asking.
The first 2 years were the worst. It started one day out of nowhere. Went to my doctor, who gave me oxycodone (did nothing), went to the ER got injections that were no help. 2 weeks later, I'm with a neurologist (lucky snag due to a cancelation) and the neurologist tells me that I need a headache specialist and it will be a 4 month wait to get an appointment. That was very distressing news.
After multiple medication trials, we found a combination (for me nortriptyline + topiramate + nadolol + botox injections) that brings the daily pain down to a liveable level. Was at 7-10 out of 10 on daily pain in addition to nausea and light/sound sensitivity prior to my first neurologist appointment. After about a year and a half it was a 3-4 out of 10 daily pain.
Got a new job, which improved my stress level. Focused on exercise and sleep. Worked in therapy with a chronic pain specialist to adjust/reframe my thinking around how pain fits into my life. I also do a fair amount of actively choosing to not permit the pain to affect me (through mindfulness exercises) - though sometimes this backfires with rebound pain. Most days anymore it's about a 2/10, and rarely with the severe nausea and light/sound problems. Still probably have about 5-6 "bad days" per month, but I have better supports at home and work to manage.
Don't get me wrong though, I still spend about 1 day a week where I miss a chunk of my life because I'm stuck in bed in the dark. Life goes on, but definitely feel like a shit parent sometimes when I'm in bed and the toddler just wants cuddles. Sometimes we do movies in bed while I wear a blackout mask. Just remind myself that I'm doing my best.
You get used to it. I had a TBI at 16 that caused a headache that hasn’t gone away since. I turn 33 this year.
You learn to mask, mostly. You learn breathing techniques or whatever works to get through the worst of it, then you carry on because that’s just how your life is. If I had a choice I would ofc choose not to be in pain but my options are live with chronic pain or not to live at all.
Right??? The last thing I want to do is talk about my chronic illness. It just makes me think about it more. It's more healthy to find and talk about healthy distractions like hobbies and pets. My knees ache like hell today, but I'm focused on planning an outing with my wife and kids to a state park this weekend. That's what I'll chat about with my coworkers.
Yup! I have chronic pain and unless specifically asked or it’s applicable to a situation (which is rare), I don’t bring it up. I don’t want to talk about it more than necessary and it’s pointless. The people in my life already know what I’m dealing with. They don’t need to hear about it constantly.
Chronic health conditions can be such a nightmare feedback loop. My great aunt is like this. I sincerely believe that her own obsessive negative fixation on getting sympathy for her chronic health problems feeds into the worsening of her health. It drives away her support system, which is know to negatively affect health outcomes. And unfortunately chronic health makes it difficult to work, which makes money scarce, which causes poverty, stress and desperation, which contributes to a lack of nutritious food and restful sleep, which worsens health further. Everything in that whole dark cycle is self-reinforcing. Social media can contribute, but the cycle can reinforce through all kinds of interaction.
It also doesn't help that when you have one chronic illness you tend to have other health problems and the more you go looking, the more you find until you've got so many prescriptions you need an excel spreadsheet to figure out which ones don't cancel the others out
I worked with a lady like this many years ago. It was before social media (unless you count bb's), so the *only* constant feedback and acknowledgment she could get was real-time, face to face, in the office. I burst into tears in my boss' office once, because I couldn't get anything *done*.
Yes I know a girl who has had a diagnosis for her chronic illness and it’s her obsession. There is nothing else to her personality except that she has a chronic illness.
I'm an uncle and currently the 10 year old Niece is upstairs cause "fuck you am not talking to adults cause am at that weird age where I'm sulky as fuck at everything" and Ive just ordered Steak, Small Potatoes with butter and peas and carrots from the 4 year old Niece's pretend restaurant, and she's just said in her kids kitchen to her "workers" that "he's such a nice and polite man" so a must be doing things alright with one of Nieces haha, they're my favourites. I'll probably end up with makeup on pretty soon as well, imagine that a fat 39 year old Scotsman with makeup on, I'll take pics if it happens!(won't be suggesting it!)
Anyways all I want to say is I agree with your "this guy uncles" and wanted to try and get a "me too! Me too!!!" in lol
She just made me (pretend) mince and tatties(potatoes for non-Scots) and now her and her staff are all on a break lol am watching telly but highly invested in all these pretend dinners, it's interesting lol
I think the difference about the thanksgiving game is that Joe A) is choosing to spend that time away from his family rather than being forced away by work or school; and B) Joe probably doesn't need one-off bullshit holiday attention, he needs *regular every day it's Wednesday night and we're doing shit together as a family* kind of attention.
OOP’s response was freaking perfect when he said “they’ll have to figure out how to give him the attention he needs without the convenience of it being a holiday.” How could a parent accused of neglecting a child have a come back to that?
ugh, its these type of situations where i’m hoping for an update where the oop takes joe in. i hope they’re doing better based on how there hasn’t been an update in nearly a year.
The reaction after the meeting cemented my thought that the family is trying to cut Joe out. Just so happens that they can use the sister's illness as an excuse.
I’ve been basically cut out from my family too. I know how much it sucks. Especially when you didn’t do anything but they decide to find fault with you so you’re to blame for being cut out. I hope Joe finds his true family and I’m glad that OOP is, hopefully still, a part of it. Found family is the best.
I feel this. As soon as I left for college, it's like they completely forgot about me. It has been 16 years and they just willingly told me a life update. I was shocked and I'm still wondering if they meant to text someone else.
I was in a work meeting one time when my mom called and I was so shocked, I answered right away thinking someone had died.
My sister had a miscarriage and it was awful, but I then had to explain why I jumped when my mom called and I realized how awful that sounded.
Anyone else find it suspicious they excluded him from family therapy? Almost like the parents knew their bullshit with Joe would not be tolerated in that setting.
The details in this are sooo close that I wonder if this is a watered down version of my cousin ("Kay") and her family. With my cousin, almost everyone who has weighed in has told her father much of the same advice OOP is giving his sister. The biggest difference in my family is our "Kay" has more than one sibling, but only one still living at home. The other siblings are LC with her. I almost commented on the post last year, but was worried it actually was my family.
I have 3 autoimmune diseases. I wouldn't think of drinking alcohol. Even before I was diagnosed, I was too sick to drink alcohol. I don't want to put it on social media like Facebook. I only post about the rare good days and my grown kids that I'm so proud of. I feel terrible for her nephew. I hope he has a happy adult life.
Ugh. I make alcohol for a living. It's very much a part of my daily life. As soon as I'm a little bit sick at all I won't even touch it. I'll feel bad, it will make the illness worse, and it doesn't even taste good when I'm sick. I can't imagine having chronic, unidentified problems and adding alcohol on top of that
Same. I had a health scare a couple years ago and during the time I was trying to figure out what was going on I avoided alcohol completely. There is no reason to drink (mild) poison if you think your body is messed up already.
please get him out of there
its fkn abusive af the way they treat him.
his going to go NC and his parents are going to wonder why
OOP you need to do more... please
My blood boiled when they scheduled family therapy without him. If it was individual therapy for the daughter sure, but that really cemented the idea that they have their own nuclear family unit without him. He's extended family who happens to live with them 😢
This is…heartbreaking.
As a parent, I can understand not being sure how to juggle/support one child’s important health needs (which generally end up trumping any, as some would define as “non-serious”, things) , while also still finding the time to make your other one feel loved and supportive. I can see how parents might not realize the shift in the balance, or how it’s affecting their other kid, *INITALLY*.
But!
How can you completely deny the issue when others outside of your family are pointing it out. Even if you get defensive, and deny it at first, how can they go home, think on it more, still manage to pretend it doesn’t exist, and continue to do mental gymnastics to justify the fact the discrepancy exists?
Especially when you get to the point you KEPT YOUR CHILD’S BIRTHDAY GIFT A SECRET FROM THEM, EFFECTIVELY STOLE IT, AND SOLD IT BEHIND THEIR BACK FOR YOUR BENEFIT?!? If it was such a noble, and appropriate thing to do, why hide it from him in the first place? Why be so sneaky?
These parents heads are so far up their own asses, they’re going to destroy their relationship with their son, prolong their adult daughter’s battle with whatever illness she’s dealing with (since she doesn’t want to find answers/get better at this point, and likely isn’t being honest with healthcare professionals, as having these health issues has become more of a benefit than anything else, in her eyes), continue enabling their daughter to be manipulative and selfish, and nuking an relationship they have with OOP +/- other family members.
If/when those things did/will happen, I’m sure it’ll be to no fault of their own. Everyone else will just be cruel assholes who turned their back on their ailing daughter, and subsequently, them as well. I sure hope OOP kept pushing for Joe to spend time +/- move in with them. Being a glass child in general is no joke. But IMO, becoming one as a teenager and effectively being pushed out of your family this late in the game, might just be a bit worse than if it happened when he was younger.
I hope either OOP’s sister opened her eyes and got her shit together (probably not), OR Joe moved in with OOP and they are thriving. As far as the daughter’s health - well - I think it will take a miracle to sort that mess out and get some answers. So realistically and unfortunately, I’m not very hopeful they found any resolutions there.
Selling a gift that someone else gave to someone is a huge dick move and disrespectful to both the person who gave the gift as well as the person who was supposed to receive the gift. From my perspective it's theft. Before getting into anything else.
The OOP is blaming Kay, but I'd be worried about Munchausen by proxy. She's 21 and needs both parents to come to every doctor's visit for mystery ailments? Super suspicious.
Kay is going to slowly become the real victim of all this enabling. There'll be a post on here in ten years to the effect that "we're in our 60s, our 31 yo daughter with some vague mystery ailments has never had a job and still lives with us, wondering how to ensure she's ok once we retire, our self-absorbed son and childfree SIL for some inexplicable reason refuse to finance everything."
don't worry as a thirty something living with her parents due to disability, i already know what my plan will be for that eventuality:
dying quickly because disability benefits don't cover the cost of all my medications much less everything else :) :) :)
...
i should not have even looked at the comments for this post, huh? it's going to be just more and more of this. yaaaay.
long COVID, fibromyalgia, lupus, EDS, chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis... hey, EDS is proper rare, too. yet way more common than Munchausen by proxy.
honestly you can just go on. there are tons and tons of ailments that are initially hard to diagnose. endometriosis is fairly common and takes years to be diagnosed on average. statistics get more grim if you look at how long young women wait to be diagnosed versus men, too. there is absolutely medical sexism at work and it does a great job of killing women.
but it makes for a more thrilling story for it to be the thing someone heard about in a true crime documentary, so they'll ignore the fact that young women with chronic illnesses exist i guess.
I was sick a semester of college and withdrew from classes. Slept all the time. Blood work said I was sick. My Dr was frustrated when he told me that and tested me for anything that made sense. I was perpetually at the doctor's office. A few months later I got better. They never figured it out.
i fortunately didn't have to drop out (by the skin of my teeth), but that sounds quite like my final semester of college. infinite exhaustion, doctors frustrated when nothing came up...
...anyway years later we figured it out. shingles. it was a case of shingles that never made it to the skin to cause the typical rash. just made me feel like shit and, most notably, damaged a nerve along one of my ribs to leave me in extreme pain. it and the effects of it are something i am still in the thick of lmao, and i have had shingles two more times since then too.
yeah the shingles vaccine was on my Christmas list and it was the present i was happiest to receive last year LMAO...
truly the human body excels at breaking in weird ways sometimes. also i remain simmeringly jealous of all the young folks out there who got the chicken pox vaccine and don't even need to worry about shingles. but mainly i will marvel at how stupid bodies and staying healthy can be lol
Throw in moron doctors and dicking around with medications and yeah, like a decade to figure out a diagnosis and proper medicine to get everything under control. We ended up at the Mayo Clinic before everything got sorted.
My first thought was MCAS. Migraines, weakness, fatigue, possible allergies/reactions they think might be allergies? Could be any number of things, but that fits what OOP said, and covid can probably trigger it or something similar. That's my guess.
I've been showing signs of physical disability for about 15 years, since before I even hit double digits. I still don't have a specific diagnosis.
Unfortunately, I'm a young-looking fat woman, so doctors like to take one look at me and tell me to lose weight. Even though part of the reason I *gained* weight was because it hurt too much to exercise. I don't think a lot of them believe me when I list off all the sports I did as a kid.
instead of leaping to a real rarity, may i offer a data point or three? consider:
1. having someone else vouch for symptoms being real is a way to get taken seriously, especially when young and female. otherwise you often get written off as basically being just hysterical.
2. having a dude in the room saying he agrees is also sometimes just about the only way to get taken seriously by a doctor. especially when you are dealing with a chronic illness that has a complex diagnosis.
3. sorting through medical jargon is complicated. i do all right with my bio degree, but not everyone has that.
4. sometimes the doctors will only bring out the proper explanations, even if you understand them, if someone else is there being older and male. i have experienced this repeatedly.
5. chronic illness and chronic pain are both symptoms that make it harder to process all the data you're getting. while bringing someone with you as a second pair of ears is already encouraged for just about *all* patients, it becomes a necessity in some conditions for effective treatment.
instead of leaping to a wild rare diagnosis and shaming the entire concept, maybe just... i don't know... listen to us? listen to chronically ill and disabled women? and maybe don't *immediately pathologize* someone getting support and care from a family member like it's dirty, evil, wrong, and only something that happens when psychiatric illness is causing abusive behavior?
...no? whole comments of this post already said no and i should know better? yeah that's fair.
You're not wrong, but that doesn't make these parents not assholes. Having one parent there, sure, having both parents there when their other child needs one of them is blatant and unreasonable favoritism.
And it isn't as though psychosomatic illnesses or nocebos don't exist, they just shouldn't be the first thing doctor's should be looking at.
they're absolutely still assholes, fully agreed.
everyone is just rushing past that to instead be super, super ableist, pulling shit like pretending very common illnesses don't exist, that very common medical sexism doesn't exist, that very common *advice from doctors themselves* doesn't exist...
...because they would rather pathologize one of the parents' victims than actually talk about how the parents are shit.
I’m wondering how much attention the parents paid either of their kids before Kay got sick. It might be that Kay has finally found a way for her parents to pay attention to her, and she’s slowly let it become her whole identity.
I’m I dint think Kay is in the right, but I think the issue stems from lousy parents, more than her necessarily being malicious. She learned that being a victim got her positive attention. And looking at Joe, is suspect that had been sorely lacking.
I feel like the only reason Joe is still there is because parents can't have a favorite child by default. Someone has to be the unfavorite or else it doesn't mean anything.
I am an asshole. I own it proudly. My entire family knows I am an asshole. I'm over-opinionated and not afraid to call people out on their BS. The family doesn't always appreciate it until they need an asshole in their corner.
My niece recently had a serious problem with a stalker ex-boyfriend. I gladly drove over 300 miles and spent the entire day hunting this kid down to serve him with a restraining order. I made sure he got the message to stay away.
My niece is young, and until that moment, she only saw me as the asshole. Now she knows I'm the asshole who ALWAYS has her back and will do ANYTHING to make sure she's safe.
To the OOP, you asked AITAH? This is one of those situations where Joe could really use an asshole in his corner. Be that AH OOP. Do it for Joe!!!
I wanted to reply to you as well as the person you're replying to.
It's called being a Justified Asshole. The world always needs a lil more justice, so what if it's tinged with a bit of AH?
Joe is getting the short end of the stick while the parents blame the OOP for their own actions.
If OOP can get Joe out of there they should, if not he will be 18 soon and can then leave of his own accord.
Parents should stop wasting their money on chiropractors and acupuncture, FFS. Invest it in therapy for each child separately. And some family therapy, too, but frankly I don’t think they can fix their relationship with Joe, because they didn’t change their behavior with him even though OOP called them out (yes, some things gave them pause, but that’s useless if it doesn’t translate into them doing more to pay attention to Joe. Or at least stop exploiting him). Joe needs therapy to help him build up his confidence and realize his parents are a couple of assholes.
My disgust is entirely aumed at the parents here. They're doing a massive disservice to their 2 kids, the golden child/scapegoat dynamic harms everyone. Had they been good parents, Kay would have an other lifelong supporter with Joe, but now I doubt he'll stick around much. But parents probably enjoy being those "parents of a sick child! They're so courageous! So selfless! ".I've already seen that IRL and it's awful what people can do to their children to keep their ego fed.
I'm excited for the parents' post in r/parenting "Our son turned 18 moved out in the middle of the night and refuses to talk to any of us, where did I go wrong?"
Even if she’s actually quite ill, a psychiatrist might be a good idea. Having long ailments or chronic pain or other issues can totally mess someone up; it helps to talk to someone who can be more objective about all of the angles.
My therapists have helped my depression (which is pretty intertwined with medical stuff) to get way better than it used to be.
>They've been seeing specialists, chiropractors, acupuncture
Yeah, that already rings a lot of alarm bells if they treat their ailing daughter like this... How many of the "specialists" they see are actually charlatans/scammers ?
If she is medically unwell...why is she drinking alcohol? I have chronic disease. If you are dealing with chronic disease ...doctors will almost refuse to treat you if you drink at all. And some will test you to make sure you are not drinking randomly to be sure. It shows up in lab work. It can throw labs off. You cannot drink. Especially when they are seeking out a diagnosis.
Kay may very well have some mysterious illness but it sounds like she’s embellishing for internet clout and to make her shadow even bigger over her brother. Shitty behavior from her and her parents.
Nta, they’ve latched on to a weak reason for not feeling bad about themselves. If he’s with them, they’ll just ignore him anyway. Take him to the game, keep him overnight. That kid needs a break.
I can't even imagine. I send my son to the store for things all the time, because him running any errand I ask is how he "pays" for the privilege of using my car whenever he wants. But then I go through his bank statements and transfer back any money he spends. I can't imagine not paying him back. He works hard for his money, abc he's saving for college.
And Kay needs to break away from Social Media, it is feeding into her depression over her health issues. It’s like watching TV news 24/7 during a disaster/war/Covid, the more you watch, the more you tune into updates, = the more you get depressed over what is/had happened.
I'm chronically ill and often talk about it (more just because it's part of me as a person) and I would NEVER think to act this way. I legit feel bad when I have appointments that fall on days others have shit going on. AND I'm almost the same age as Kay. Kay is frankly being selfish.
Hopefully the kid turns 18 and can walk away from all this. I’m glad he has oop though. I feel bad the kids that don’t have any outside support.
The parents will try to make his life hell and try to guilt him into staying and paying. I hope he makes it out and finds his family of choice.
The poor girl too. They stunted her growth. She’s mentally whatever age she got diagnosed.
I get not having a diagnosis is in this weird limbo but I’ve known kids who survived cancer and grew up well adjusted at least from a teacher perspective. Like respectful, did work, got along fine with peers. Only knew because of their brag sheet on what hardships they overcame. So it’s not like they were talking about it all the time. I get being a kid vs a teen is different though. But still, older sister at 21 still seems like a teenager.
Even if you’re a teacher, you still can’t speak for people who survived childhood cancer, and it feels gross to see it used as a yardstick, and feels even worse to see “hey, I know kids who survived cancer and they didn’t make a big deal out of it” as someone who had childhood cancer. Guess I’m even doing that wrong
That kid is going to turn 18 and ask for help on how to flee the house and his parents are going to have the surprised PikaChu face when he disappears from their life.
Kay seems to be all about hogging her family’s time and efforts, like deliberately making a bunch of appointments on Joe’s birthday etc - she is like a cuckoo chick that pushes the host bird’s smaller chicks out of the nest. It’s all about her to the point of mental illness / psychosomatic symptoms. The sooner Joe frees himself from this sick family the better. Continue to help your nephew all you can, directly. You now know you can’t trust the parents. Joe will always come last. NTA!
OP should probably look into adding his nephew onto his phone plan, once nephew is 18 his parents will be looking for any reason to keep their control over him
Those parents in 2 years : Why did our son move in with my brother/BIL on his 18th birthday and block us? We were the bestest parents, how could he do this?
NTA.
If you are in one of the states where teens 16 and older can ask for a change of guardianship, talk to a family practice lawyer. Before you talk to your nephew!!!
Ask if your nephew would have grounds (theft of his gifts, neglect, requiring him to give his earnings from his job to parents and sister, exclusion from family events and therapy.....). To ask Family Court to request YOU as his guardian, not his parents. Yes or no? And what it would mean financially - who pays nephews food and living costs, medical plan, etc.
If the lawyer says yes your nephew would win if he requested this (with the lawyer's help), then talk to your nephew and see if he wants to do this.
I feel like Joe just needs to be taken away from his parents. If that’s through guardianship or emancipation, I don’t know. I was hoping OOP would have a fairytale update for us and say they’ve removed him from the home. But guess not
I can only hope he has one of those friends with families willing to house him for his last two years and support him like he needs
Making the 16 year old pay for their adult sisters phone bill? Bruh the fuck? I'd be pissed if I had to pay for a little siblings phone bill let alone my older when they're still living at home. I'd foot the bill for my older sister for a while if I knew she were in dire straits or something but she also lives on her own and has a job
My parents sucked like they were the worst people alive and shouldn’t have been allowed to mate and reproduce. My uncle was the best. He would take us out to eat and buy us little things here and there. Asked about our lives, etc. To a neglected and abused kid, that was everything. My father got butthurt and jealous since my uncle distanced himself and eventually cut ties with us, and we all drifted apart later in life. You may not realize how much of an impact you have on that kid's life. It could be a significant milestone to have someone supportive in your circle. Growing up, I hated everyone in my family and felt isolated and a product of my environment. My only escape was reading books. You do what you can to keep that bond alive with him and support that lil guy!
Definitely NTA trying u are being a wonderful uncle.
And the parents need to recognize that.
And they do owe u and their son for their failure.
To spend time with him .
Good luck
"I know Kay's health issues are very real"
I mean, if her stomach is so upset she needs pepto with someone else's money but then thinks it's fine to put alcohol on an upset stomach...no, her health issues probably aren't as real as you think, bud.
"Money is replaceable. Time isnt."
I teared up. I hope Joe gets love and time and affection from OOP, who seems like an upstanding guy. It's a real shame Joe's actual immidiate family has failed him so badly until now.
Sounds as if the parents are also making their entire personalities all about their daughter's illness.
Reminds me of a talk show I saw years ago that explained Munchausen syndrome by proxy.
(rMunchausen syndrome by proxy (MSBP) is a mental health condition and a form of abuse where a caregiver intentionally causes or fakes symptoms in a vulnerable person, usually a child, to make it look like they are sick. The caregiver may also invent illness stories and create physical signs to support them)
They basically get off on the attention from doctors and strangers because their kid is sick. If they do it to themselves, it's just Munchausen syndrome)
Hey if no one else is gonna say it, I can do it. Chiropractors and acupuncturists *aren't real doctors*. You don't see them if you have special allergy conditions! You see them if you want to waste your money! Acupuncture can feel good, but there's no evidence it cures allergies, and chiropracty can do more damage than good half the time.
You need to open a bank account for this kid that his parents can't access because they are going to loot it. I doubt he waits until 18 to leave their house. NTA. Get his paperwork too please.
Joe is going to go no contact with all 3 of them as soon as he turns 18 and/or moves out.
Then OOP’s sister will cry and go “why doesn’t he ever come around anymore?!”, at least I hope so.
Joe is the glass child. And I actually wonder if Munchausen Syndrome (or by proxy if it’s the parents) is in play here.
The good news is that Joe's situation is seen and that he had an advocate. That's the only positive here, but it's much better than him suffering unseen as so many neglected children do. :(
#Do not comment on the original posts Please read our [**sub rules**](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/wiki/subrules). Rule-breaking may result in a ban without notice. If there is an issue with this post (flair, formatting, quality), reply to this comment or your comment may be removed in general discussion. **CHECK FLAIR** For concluded-only updates, use the [CONCLUDED](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/search?sort=new&restrict_sr=on&q=flair%3ACONCLUDED) flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/BestofRedditorUpdates) if you have any questions or concerns.*
In ~~two~~ one year I expect to read another post from OOP >AITAH for letting my 18 year old nephew move in with me? My sister says I'm destroying her family.
Given these posts were last year, >AITAH for letting my 18 year old nephew move in with me? My sister says I'm destroying her family. Will be next year
Thanks. Will correct.
Honestly I hope for this update because at least we would know Joe is no longer being financially, emotionally, and mentally abused, emotionally and mentally neglected and is with someone who loves him and let's him have a life
I'm hoping for it to. If I could contact OOP, it would be to tell him to take in his nephew.
*One year
Those parents definitely are picking Kay as favorites. Making a 16-year old pay the phone bill is outrageous. I do feel bad for Joe.
wait for the post in 7 years from the parents. "We haven't heard from our son since the day he turned 18, and it's now been 5 years since we talked to him."
This is definitely going to be a missing missing reason. Either that or they are going to 100% on the golden child and claim that he left because he was uncaring and didn't want to help his sister.
Joe is gonna move out with OOP and they will only notice when Kay wants another White Claw and he's not there with his butler outfit and tray to serve it to her.
Brit here, what is a white claw?
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/White_Claw_Hard_Seltzer Popular alcoholic canned drink. Comparable to buying a beer.
Is it a bit like drinking a WKD, in that the alcohol is not the only reason somebody feeling unwell should really be avoiding them?
hundred percent. i think it goes without saying that any ailment you'd want pepto for would be unwise to combine with alcohol. if kay is going to appointments so often, it seems strange that she wouldn't have been educated about that. as a person with chronic illnesses myself, one of the first things they talk to you about when making your treatment plan is the fact your body having to process alcohol takes important resources away from your circular, digestive and immune systems.
A lot of girls get POTS and electrical heart issues and vagal nerve issues. Gastroparesis and other digestive disorders can be part of it. Women and girls haven’t been studied in medicine for more than 5 minutes, so the diagnoses are hard to find. Alcohol definitely makes them worse, especially if you also have migraines.
I'm in the process of figuring out what illness I have and I must say it's almost a joke how much medicine has developed solely around male physiology. Many illnesses present different symptoms for women and men and since men have been the main subjects in many studies, diagnosing a woman is even more difficult
This isn't a defense of her, she shouldn't have done that, but a li'l bit of a fizzy alcohol drink like beer, Mike's hard, etc can help if the issue is gallbladder related. You shouldn't mix it with medicine though.
It's like if WKD made a flavour designed to capture the disappointment you feel when you realise you bought sparkling water rather than still.
Honestly if she is as ill as she and her parents claim, I doubt her doctors would be ok with her drinking alcohol.
Hard seltzer
Alcopop.
Available in Sainsbury’s by the way.
Based on the name I’m assuming either a beer or a doughnut.
i know it's an alcopop but i *always* picture a frosted bear claw first. like powdered sugared instead of sugar glazed.
Meanwhile, Kay has become a popular influencer /s [https://www.reddit.com/r/illnessfakers/comments/1dp3ipr/reading\_a\_book\_and\_saw\_this\_made\_me\_think\_of\_this/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web3x&utm\_name=web3xcss&utm\_term=1&utm\_content=share\_button](https://www.reddit.com/r/illnessfakers/comments/1dp3ipr/reading_a_book_and_saw_this_made_me_think_of_this/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button)
Munchausen Syndrome, let me show you it.
Ah, yes: another for the "missing, missing reasons" file.
"Our son won't talk to us because we didn't let him go to a football game once (he got brainwashed by his uncle who turned him against us)"
"Our son won't talk to us because his severely ill sister needed our care, instead of going to a football game.. he needs to grow up!"
It's interesting how the parents sounds reasonable when you don't know the son is neglected, nor that he had no idea about the tickets.
We even tried family therapy but he never said anything!
So quiet that it was as if he wasn't even there!
With many negative reflections on the interfering uncle/aunt who created discord where previously all was harmony
"He lives with his uncle who isn't even helping us with his sick niece"
I mean he indirectly paid for her allergy tests and got scammed out of at least another ten bucks so...
Nah. They’ll know where he is. He’ll be with his uncle, who’s apparently the only family he has. Good on OOP. They’re the best kind of people.
"And we need him to take Kay in and support her because we're moving."
I would say since he, a minor, is being forced to pay for his adult sister’s phone and medicine, he’s actually being financially abused.
And buying her food/drinks/medication with no compensation when his parents are right there!
The phone bill is a thing, but man I would like to see the therapist face if they discover that the "family" is in fact made of another child who's treated like an inconvenience. Feels like it can kinda the whole process of the therapy to hide one of the person who's involved.
I’m wondering if this is truly the case. When I was in high school I went to therapy with both my parents. It’s something a 16 year old could perceive as “family therapy minus me” but it was really just learning how to live in the same space as my parents
If that's what's happening then they desperately need to also schedule some sessions with their son, the glass child who's being left out of everything.
Seems Kay is playing on it as well. She’s conveniently well enough to do things while he’s at work. Plans appointments on his birthday. Joe is going to disown them all.
*hand to forehead* You just don't understand how hard it is for someone to share attention! How can she ever handle sitting through a movie with her brother there? Be reasonable! I have fibro (which is similar to what op describes) and symptoms started by the time I was 14 and this girl can go straight to hell for how she's milking it.
My guess is this was the way she's gotten attention from her parents for a long time. It's what she knows works. The parents enabled the behavior and continue to enable the behavior. And Joe gets screwed over because the parents suck.
It 100% is but at 21 she's old enough to know better.
Makes me wonder just how sick she is and just how much is attention seeking.
To be fair, I've known people who are BOTH very sick AND attention seeking. I went to school with someone who had a seizure disorder but then became known for faking them for attention, in additions to the real ones they still had. The sister in this does sound like she's exaggerating some of it, but there might still be a core reason behind all is it.
My mom does this too. She has genuine, real epilepsy. She also fakes having seizures to get out of difficult conversations and whenever her children have major life events planned. It’s both in her case.
My stepmom did this. She has ulcerative colitis but her symptoms always got worse when I did something she didn't like (like existing in her presence or asking her to yell at me less).
Kay has learned that she will get attention from her parents and others this way. It's probably been that way with her parents for a long time.
This is why I am more worried about Kay. How long can Kay continually play this game? 3 years later. Joe will be free but a mid 20 girl who has no education and little work or life experience, the prospect of having a fulfilling life is slim. I think OP should focus on helping Joe to achieve independence after he turns 18 rather than involving with current family drama. I'm afraid that Joe's parents will guilt trip Joe to take care of Kay for life. Poor kid, he has no future.
Both children are being abused but in opposite ways. It’s a horrible way to parent.
*Making a 16-year old pay the phone bill for a 21-year old
I did a doubletake at that one - it would already be unfair to make Joe pay when they cover Kay's plan themselves - but to make HIM pay for HER phone plan?!? What the actual fuck?! You gave birth to those children, you cover their cost - you don't make one pay for the other! Joe is effing SIXTEEN, and they are using him for disposable income! In Joe's place, I'd just move in with OOP and be done trying to please the 'rents.
The parents are enabling munchausens. I say this as a chronically ill person myself. A lot of people become sick influencers and they get brand deals or people to give them money and then spend it on not medical stuff. They post about their illnesses to get attention. She’s exaggerating whatever she has already to live with her parents and be babied without working or anything. It’s a failure to launch. Luckily Joe seems to have his head on his shoulders and will launch fine without them.
A friend of mine works as a disability advocate at a hospital (she's an AAC speaker as well) and was just ranting the other day on FB about disability 'influencers' and how a lot of disabled/chronically ill folks feel like failures because they're not achieving the kinds of things that the influencers are.
I’m disabled and I work as an advisor, and part of that role of lobbying. I specifically stopped doing ANY lobbying for disabled people, because I just happen to be really smart, high energy and sort of “abled passing” (I mean, I’m in a wheelchair, I have braces all over, but, but still people tell me I don’t look disabled), also my condition is progressive and my parents are in education. So unlike a lot of disabled people in my country I went to regular (well, prestigious, but not adapted) schools and regular university. I have like the one job I can do, but it’s not really adapted and I earn a relatively high income. I have a partner and a kid and do some volunteering (again, usually not disability related, unless I’m targeting a specific law I feel I can get changed.) I started my career lobbying for some disability topics, until a government told me “I don’t get what the problem is, you have a good job, why can’t the other disabled people just do the same”. If I were lobbying for disability, I would actually harm disabled people. So I don’t. And I also don’t do much disability related on my social media (that are private). Because I know I’m the outlier (and I don’t intend to be anybody’s inspiration porn).
I don’t pay attention to them tbh. Once I started reading people exposing them, it made me disgusted. Like why do you want to be sick?
>Like why do you want to be sick? Fame, fortune in the internet age...
I know an anorexic lady with a perfect supportive family. And I think I understand why she does it. A healthy person is given a forever moving goal post in life. Your parents won't tell you well done for being able to function bare minimum. They will criticise you for not waking up before 10am, for not having a full time job, for not cleaning up your room. Being ill relieves you from that duty, forever being given attention for "getting slightly better". It is addicting to get attention without putting in any effort to love someone back.
I feel like people would get fed up with an anorexic quicker as it's not a physical illness.
It's a mental illness that results in profound physical impacts, though. Anorexia is deadly - it has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness.
Poor kid is being made to feel like a live in stranger in his own home while footing bills that are 1000% his parents responsibility. Like why in the world is he not being compensated for snacks runs or her phone bill?? There's no good reason he should have to cover any of that. And it's heartbreaking that his sister while suffering is pretty clearly weaponising her illness to monopolise the time, affection and finances of her parents...like...do they think just cause a kid is growing up well they need no support?
>Recently we had a dinner with some other extended family members and she was talking to them about her health struggles. I noticed her showing them her social media and the comments she is receiving. She was disengaged from any discussion that was not about her and her health, which drove her back to social media. I've worked with people like this and it's just exhausting.
I have a chronic illness and I’m so fucking bored of it, I can’t imagine having to subject others to my life.
Preach. I've had headaches all day every day for 6 years. Everytime I see family I haven't seen in a while it's always How are the headaches? Uhm, still have them. I'm fine though. You still have them!? Yep....every day Oh no! That must be do painful! How do you live like that? How do you work? Uhm...I live with them because my body hasn't given me another choice. Or: have you tried [insert real medical treatment or snake oil]? It worked for my bartender's sister's neighbor I get people want to help/support and don't know how, but it can be more difficult to deal with their well intentioned intrusiveness than my illness
You have my sympathies. I had a period like that in my 20s. Even went to the doctor and was told I had a brain tumor and was dying - this diagnoses coming without a single test. (Spoiler alert: I did not have a brain tumor.) I started telling people I’d tried everything short of taking a drill to my head to release the demons, so whatever they wanted to suggest, I guarantee I’d tried it. Luckily, my headaches finally got a little better…until I got pregnant. The first trimester of my pregnancy was the absolute worst because my headaches came back with a vengeance and I could take *nothing* for them.
My favourite is always "have you tried a vegan diet". I love that one, especially when I say yes and it made me incredibly weak and I had the shits for the entire three months I tried it. Started eating meat again and lo and behold! Could you believe it! I was back to my version of 'normal' and I was able to have regular bowel movements without shitting out everything I'd eaten within 30 mins of eating it!
Hard agree on being bored w chronic illness. IIH here! Those conversations are usually : Yes the migraines are daily. Yes it hurts. Yeah I’m sure you couldn’t imagine it daily.
How often do you get “you’re so strong!” during these conversations? Or “try yoga”? I get the yoga one rarely, but I get told how strong I am regularly. (I have multiple sclerosis which has led to an abundance of other issues and chronic pain.)
Omg, so often lol. You nailed it! ETA: love your flair
How did you manage to carry on with a headache every single day for six years? I know there's no simple answer, but I can't imagine it. I can barely function with a headache, let alone handle demanding tasks. How did it eventually go away, and how did you push through? If you don't mind me asking.
The first 2 years were the worst. It started one day out of nowhere. Went to my doctor, who gave me oxycodone (did nothing), went to the ER got injections that were no help. 2 weeks later, I'm with a neurologist (lucky snag due to a cancelation) and the neurologist tells me that I need a headache specialist and it will be a 4 month wait to get an appointment. That was very distressing news. After multiple medication trials, we found a combination (for me nortriptyline + topiramate + nadolol + botox injections) that brings the daily pain down to a liveable level. Was at 7-10 out of 10 on daily pain in addition to nausea and light/sound sensitivity prior to my first neurologist appointment. After about a year and a half it was a 3-4 out of 10 daily pain. Got a new job, which improved my stress level. Focused on exercise and sleep. Worked in therapy with a chronic pain specialist to adjust/reframe my thinking around how pain fits into my life. I also do a fair amount of actively choosing to not permit the pain to affect me (through mindfulness exercises) - though sometimes this backfires with rebound pain. Most days anymore it's about a 2/10, and rarely with the severe nausea and light/sound problems. Still probably have about 5-6 "bad days" per month, but I have better supports at home and work to manage. Don't get me wrong though, I still spend about 1 day a week where I miss a chunk of my life because I'm stuck in bed in the dark. Life goes on, but definitely feel like a shit parent sometimes when I'm in bed and the toddler just wants cuddles. Sometimes we do movies in bed while I wear a blackout mask. Just remind myself that I'm doing my best.
I lived with that for a year and a half. I can't imagine it continuing as long as it had for you. I am so sorry.
You get used to it. I had a TBI at 16 that caused a headache that hasn’t gone away since. I turn 33 this year. You learn to mask, mostly. You learn breathing techniques or whatever works to get through the worst of it, then you carry on because that’s just how your life is. If I had a choice I would ofc choose not to be in pain but my options are live with chronic pain or not to live at all.
I have an autoimmune disease. I'll talk about it if it comes up but I'm not gonna just wax poetic about my extreme diarrhea out of nowhere lol.
I rant about my epilepsy maybe once a month, for about five minutes. I can’t imagine talking about it *every dinner.*
Right??? The last thing I want to do is talk about my chronic illness. It just makes me think about it more. It's more healthy to find and talk about healthy distractions like hobbies and pets. My knees ache like hell today, but I'm focused on planning an outing with my wife and kids to a state park this weekend. That's what I'll chat about with my coworkers.
Yup! I have chronic pain and unless specifically asked or it’s applicable to a situation (which is rare), I don’t bring it up. I don’t want to talk about it more than necessary and it’s pointless. The people in my life already know what I’m dealing with. They don’t need to hear about it constantly.
Chronic health conditions can be such a nightmare feedback loop. My great aunt is like this. I sincerely believe that her own obsessive negative fixation on getting sympathy for her chronic health problems feeds into the worsening of her health. It drives away her support system, which is know to negatively affect health outcomes. And unfortunately chronic health makes it difficult to work, which makes money scarce, which causes poverty, stress and desperation, which contributes to a lack of nutritious food and restful sleep, which worsens health further. Everything in that whole dark cycle is self-reinforcing. Social media can contribute, but the cycle can reinforce through all kinds of interaction.
It also doesn't help that when you have one chronic illness you tend to have other health problems and the more you go looking, the more you find until you've got so many prescriptions you need an excel spreadsheet to figure out which ones don't cancel the others out
I feel bad for you to deal with those kinds of people.
I worked with a lady like this many years ago. It was before social media (unless you count bb's), so the *only* constant feedback and acknowledgment she could get was real-time, face to face, in the office. I burst into tears in my boss' office once, because I couldn't get anything *done*.
Yes I know a girl who has had a diagnosis for her chronic illness and it’s her obsession. There is nothing else to her personality except that she has a chronic illness.
> Money is replaceable, time isn't. This guy uncles. Joe's parents are fucking both of their kids up, and refuse to see it.
I'm an uncle and currently the 10 year old Niece is upstairs cause "fuck you am not talking to adults cause am at that weird age where I'm sulky as fuck at everything" and Ive just ordered Steak, Small Potatoes with butter and peas and carrots from the 4 year old Niece's pretend restaurant, and she's just said in her kids kitchen to her "workers" that "he's such a nice and polite man" so a must be doing things alright with one of Nieces haha, they're my favourites. I'll probably end up with makeup on pretty soon as well, imagine that a fat 39 year old Scotsman with makeup on, I'll take pics if it happens!(won't be suggesting it!) Anyways all I want to say is I agree with your "this guy uncles" and wanted to try and get a "me too! Me too!!!" in lol
Your niece sounds like a lovely boss to those that work for her, you should be proud.
She just made me (pretend) mince and tatties(potatoes for non-Scots) and now her and her staff are all on a break lol am watching telly but highly invested in all these pretend dinners, it's interesting lol
Davido400 definitely uncles.
> imagine that a fat 39 year old Scotsman with makeup on, I'll take pics if it happens!(won't be suggesting it!) Have you ever seen Braveheart?
This boy is so out of there in 1 year (this was 2023). And rightfully so. And the parents will be so surprised. 😯
I think the difference about the thanksgiving game is that Joe A) is choosing to spend that time away from his family rather than being forced away by work or school; and B) Joe probably doesn't need one-off bullshit holiday attention, he needs *regular every day it's Wednesday night and we're doing shit together as a family* kind of attention.
OOP’s response was freaking perfect when he said “they’ll have to figure out how to give him the attention he needs without the convenience of it being a holiday.” How could a parent accused of neglecting a child have a come back to that?
ugh, its these type of situations where i’m hoping for an update where the oop takes joe in. i hope they’re doing better based on how there hasn’t been an update in nearly a year.
The reaction after the meeting cemented my thought that the family is trying to cut Joe out. Just so happens that they can use the sister's illness as an excuse.
I’ve been basically cut out from my family too. I know how much it sucks. Especially when you didn’t do anything but they decide to find fault with you so you’re to blame for being cut out. I hope Joe finds his true family and I’m glad that OOP is, hopefully still, a part of it. Found family is the best.
I feel this. As soon as I left for college, it's like they completely forgot about me. It has been 16 years and they just willingly told me a life update. I was shocked and I'm still wondering if they meant to text someone else.
I was in a work meeting one time when my mom called and I was so shocked, I answered right away thinking someone had died. My sister had a miscarriage and it was awful, but I then had to explain why I jumped when my mom called and I realized how awful that sounded.
Who this?
Anyone else find it suspicious they excluded him from family therapy? Almost like the parents knew their bullshit with Joe would not be tolerated in that setting.
The details in this are sooo close that I wonder if this is a watered down version of my cousin ("Kay") and her family. With my cousin, almost everyone who has weighed in has told her father much of the same advice OOP is giving his sister. The biggest difference in my family is our "Kay" has more than one sibling, but only one still living at home. The other siblings are LC with her. I almost commented on the post last year, but was worried it actually was my family.
[удалено]
>and the girl to white claws and social media Ftfy
I have 3 autoimmune diseases. I wouldn't think of drinking alcohol. Even before I was diagnosed, I was too sick to drink alcohol. I don't want to put it on social media like Facebook. I only post about the rare good days and my grown kids that I'm so proud of. I feel terrible for her nephew. I hope he has a happy adult life.
Ugh. I make alcohol for a living. It's very much a part of my daily life. As soon as I'm a little bit sick at all I won't even touch it. I'll feel bad, it will make the illness worse, and it doesn't even taste good when I'm sick. I can't imagine having chronic, unidentified problems and adding alcohol on top of that
Same. I had a health scare a couple years ago and during the time I was trying to figure out what was going on I avoided alcohol completely. There is no reason to drink (mild) poison if you think your body is messed up already.
please get him out of there its fkn abusive af the way they treat him. his going to go NC and his parents are going to wonder why OOP you need to do more... please
If he goes NC I doubt they'll notice. Except that money's a bit tighter than it was..
They'd definitely notice. Who would pay the daughter's phone bill???? /s 🙃
My blood boiled when they scheduled family therapy without him. If it was individual therapy for the daughter sure, but that really cemented the idea that they have their own nuclear family unit without him. He's extended family who happens to live with them 😢
What kind of family therapist doesn’t insist the whole family is there?
One who's informed that "yes this is the family, everyone's here". 😢😠
A couple stale putrefied garbage bags from the drainage basin in the bottom of the landfill would be better parents for that son than this. WTF?!
This is…heartbreaking. As a parent, I can understand not being sure how to juggle/support one child’s important health needs (which generally end up trumping any, as some would define as “non-serious”, things) , while also still finding the time to make your other one feel loved and supportive. I can see how parents might not realize the shift in the balance, or how it’s affecting their other kid, *INITALLY*. But! How can you completely deny the issue when others outside of your family are pointing it out. Even if you get defensive, and deny it at first, how can they go home, think on it more, still manage to pretend it doesn’t exist, and continue to do mental gymnastics to justify the fact the discrepancy exists? Especially when you get to the point you KEPT YOUR CHILD’S BIRTHDAY GIFT A SECRET FROM THEM, EFFECTIVELY STOLE IT, AND SOLD IT BEHIND THEIR BACK FOR YOUR BENEFIT?!? If it was such a noble, and appropriate thing to do, why hide it from him in the first place? Why be so sneaky? These parents heads are so far up their own asses, they’re going to destroy their relationship with their son, prolong their adult daughter’s battle with whatever illness she’s dealing with (since she doesn’t want to find answers/get better at this point, and likely isn’t being honest with healthcare professionals, as having these health issues has become more of a benefit than anything else, in her eyes), continue enabling their daughter to be manipulative and selfish, and nuking an relationship they have with OOP +/- other family members. If/when those things did/will happen, I’m sure it’ll be to no fault of their own. Everyone else will just be cruel assholes who turned their back on their ailing daughter, and subsequently, them as well. I sure hope OOP kept pushing for Joe to spend time +/- move in with them. Being a glass child in general is no joke. But IMO, becoming one as a teenager and effectively being pushed out of your family this late in the game, might just be a bit worse than if it happened when he was younger. I hope either OOP’s sister opened her eyes and got her shit together (probably not), OR Joe moved in with OOP and they are thriving. As far as the daughter’s health - well - I think it will take a miracle to sort that mess out and get some answers. So realistically and unfortunately, I’m not very hopeful they found any resolutions there.
Selling a gift that someone else gave to someone is a huge dick move and disrespectful to both the person who gave the gift as well as the person who was supposed to receive the gift. From my perspective it's theft. Before getting into anything else.
The OOP is blaming Kay, but I'd be worried about Munchausen by proxy. She's 21 and needs both parents to come to every doctor's visit for mystery ailments? Super suspicious.
Kay is going to slowly become the real victim of all this enabling. There'll be a post on here in ten years to the effect that "we're in our 60s, our 31 yo daughter with some vague mystery ailments has never had a job and still lives with us, wondering how to ensure she's ok once we retire, our self-absorbed son and childfree SIL for some inexplicable reason refuse to finance everything."
BIL. OP is a man (he said 45M in the last update).
don't worry as a thirty something living with her parents due to disability, i already know what my plan will be for that eventuality: dying quickly because disability benefits don't cover the cost of all my medications much less everything else :) :) :) ... i should not have even looked at the comments for this post, huh? it's going to be just more and more of this. yaaaay.
33, on disability and living with my parents. Internet hugs from an internet stranger with “vague mystery ailments”.
.... Same. 31 exactly, even in my case. Fun times.
I actually thought it could be long COVID.
long COVID, fibromyalgia, lupus, EDS, chronic fatigue syndrome, endometriosis... hey, EDS is proper rare, too. yet way more common than Munchausen by proxy. honestly you can just go on. there are tons and tons of ailments that are initially hard to diagnose. endometriosis is fairly common and takes years to be diagnosed on average. statistics get more grim if you look at how long young women wait to be diagnosed versus men, too. there is absolutely medical sexism at work and it does a great job of killing women. but it makes for a more thrilling story for it to be the thing someone heard about in a true crime documentary, so they'll ignore the fact that young women with chronic illnesses exist i guess.
I was sick a semester of college and withdrew from classes. Slept all the time. Blood work said I was sick. My Dr was frustrated when he told me that and tested me for anything that made sense. I was perpetually at the doctor's office. A few months later I got better. They never figured it out.
i fortunately didn't have to drop out (by the skin of my teeth), but that sounds quite like my final semester of college. infinite exhaustion, doctors frustrated when nothing came up... ...anyway years later we figured it out. shingles. it was a case of shingles that never made it to the skin to cause the typical rash. just made me feel like shit and, most notably, damaged a nerve along one of my ribs to leave me in extreme pain. it and the effects of it are something i am still in the thick of lmao, and i have had shingles two more times since then too. yeah the shingles vaccine was on my Christmas list and it was the present i was happiest to receive last year LMAO... truly the human body excels at breaking in weird ways sometimes. also i remain simmeringly jealous of all the young folks out there who got the chicken pox vaccine and don't even need to worry about shingles. but mainly i will marvel at how stupid bodies and staying healthy can be lol
Throw in moron doctors and dicking around with medications and yeah, like a decade to figure out a diagnosis and proper medicine to get everything under control. We ended up at the Mayo Clinic before everything got sorted.
Lucky, mayo clinic rejected me
My first thought was MCAS. Migraines, weakness, fatigue, possible allergies/reactions they think might be allergies? Could be any number of things, but that fits what OOP said, and covid can probably trigger it or something similar. That's my guess.
I've been showing signs of physical disability for about 15 years, since before I even hit double digits. I still don't have a specific diagnosis. Unfortunately, I'm a young-looking fat woman, so doctors like to take one look at me and tell me to lose weight. Even though part of the reason I *gained* weight was because it hurt too much to exercise. I don't think a lot of them believe me when I list off all the sports I did as a kid.
instead of leaping to a real rarity, may i offer a data point or three? consider: 1. having someone else vouch for symptoms being real is a way to get taken seriously, especially when young and female. otherwise you often get written off as basically being just hysterical. 2. having a dude in the room saying he agrees is also sometimes just about the only way to get taken seriously by a doctor. especially when you are dealing with a chronic illness that has a complex diagnosis. 3. sorting through medical jargon is complicated. i do all right with my bio degree, but not everyone has that. 4. sometimes the doctors will only bring out the proper explanations, even if you understand them, if someone else is there being older and male. i have experienced this repeatedly. 5. chronic illness and chronic pain are both symptoms that make it harder to process all the data you're getting. while bringing someone with you as a second pair of ears is already encouraged for just about *all* patients, it becomes a necessity in some conditions for effective treatment. instead of leaping to a wild rare diagnosis and shaming the entire concept, maybe just... i don't know... listen to us? listen to chronically ill and disabled women? and maybe don't *immediately pathologize* someone getting support and care from a family member like it's dirty, evil, wrong, and only something that happens when psychiatric illness is causing abusive behavior? ...no? whole comments of this post already said no and i should know better? yeah that's fair.
You're not wrong, but that doesn't make these parents not assholes. Having one parent there, sure, having both parents there when their other child needs one of them is blatant and unreasonable favoritism. And it isn't as though psychosomatic illnesses or nocebos don't exist, they just shouldn't be the first thing doctor's should be looking at.
they're absolutely still assholes, fully agreed. everyone is just rushing past that to instead be super, super ableist, pulling shit like pretending very common illnesses don't exist, that very common medical sexism doesn't exist, that very common *advice from doctors themselves* doesn't exist... ...because they would rather pathologize one of the parents' victims than actually talk about how the parents are shit.
I’m wondering how much attention the parents paid either of their kids before Kay got sick. It might be that Kay has finally found a way for her parents to pay attention to her, and she’s slowly let it become her whole identity. I’m I dint think Kay is in the right, but I think the issue stems from lousy parents, more than her necessarily being malicious. She learned that being a victim got her positive attention. And looking at Joe, is suspect that had been sorely lacking.
Man, I really hate these “inconclusive” updates. I hope OOP comes back to tell us if Joe is doing any better.
I feel like the only reason Joe is still there is because parents can't have a favorite child by default. Someone has to be the unfavorite or else it doesn't mean anything.
He's stuck paying the bill on a lot of things. Paying for her meds and cell phone cannot be cheap.
And it keeps him there because he can't pay for himself in the world if he is. Clever bastards.
I am an asshole. I own it proudly. My entire family knows I am an asshole. I'm over-opinionated and not afraid to call people out on their BS. The family doesn't always appreciate it until they need an asshole in their corner. My niece recently had a serious problem with a stalker ex-boyfriend. I gladly drove over 300 miles and spent the entire day hunting this kid down to serve him with a restraining order. I made sure he got the message to stay away. My niece is young, and until that moment, she only saw me as the asshole. Now she knows I'm the asshole who ALWAYS has her back and will do ANYTHING to make sure she's safe. To the OOP, you asked AITAH? This is one of those situations where Joe could really use an asshole in his corner. Be that AH OOP. Do it for Joe!!!
Huh. I never realized that being an ass hole could be channeled for good. Makes sense. You sound like a good uncle.
Thank you, I try to be there for her because her dad never has been.
I wanted to reply to you as well as the person you're replying to. It's called being a Justified Asshole. The world always needs a lil more justice, so what if it's tinged with a bit of AH?
You don’t need to be an asshole to be in corner of other people
You're absolutely right, but every once in a while, an asshole is exactly what you need backing you up
Nobody puts Asshole in the corner /Swayze
Joe is getting the short end of the stick while the parents blame the OOP for their own actions. If OOP can get Joe out of there they should, if not he will be 18 soon and can then leave of his own accord.
Ah, yes. The age old stomach remedy of pepto and white claw...
Parents should stop wasting their money on chiropractors and acupuncture, FFS. Invest it in therapy for each child separately. And some family therapy, too, but frankly I don’t think they can fix their relationship with Joe, because they didn’t change their behavior with him even though OOP called them out (yes, some things gave them pause, but that’s useless if it doesn’t translate into them doing more to pay attention to Joe. Or at least stop exploiting him). Joe needs therapy to help him build up his confidence and realize his parents are a couple of assholes.
I was thinking the chiropractor is making it worse 💀
Makes me wonder if the "specialists" balanced her chakras or used crystals.
Joe is going to turn 18 and leave the house and never come back. And his parents are going to be mostly mad that he won't give them money anymore.
How to absolutely suck at parenting 101
Boy those parents are in for a treat when they never hear from Joe again, and I hope he cuts them off.
My disgust is entirely aumed at the parents here. They're doing a massive disservice to their 2 kids, the golden child/scapegoat dynamic harms everyone. Had they been good parents, Kay would have an other lifelong supporter with Joe, but now I doubt he'll stick around much. But parents probably enjoy being those "parents of a sick child! They're so courageous! So selfless! ".I've already seen that IRL and it's awful what people can do to their children to keep their ego fed.
I hope they have a plan to offset the money they're getting from him in another year when he turns 18 because that kid will be going NC so damn fast!
I'm excited for the parents' post in r/parenting "Our son turned 18 moved out in the middle of the night and refuses to talk to any of us, where did I go wrong?"
So Kay has Munchausen and the only doctor she needs is a psychiatrist.
Even if she’s actually quite ill, a psychiatrist might be a good idea. Having long ailments or chronic pain or other issues can totally mess someone up; it helps to talk to someone who can be more objective about all of the angles. My therapists have helped my depression (which is pretty intertwined with medical stuff) to get way better than it used to be.
>They've been seeing specialists, chiropractors, acupuncture Yeah, that already rings a lot of alarm bells if they treat their ailing daughter like this... How many of the "specialists" they see are actually charlatans/scammers ?
If she is medically unwell...why is she drinking alcohol? I have chronic disease. If you are dealing with chronic disease ...doctors will almost refuse to treat you if you drink at all. And some will test you to make sure you are not drinking randomly to be sure. It shows up in lab work. It can throw labs off. You cannot drink. Especially when they are seeking out a diagnosis.
Kay may very well have some mysterious illness but it sounds like she’s embellishing for internet clout and to make her shadow even bigger over her brother. Shitty behavior from her and her parents.
Nta, they’ve latched on to a weak reason for not feeling bad about themselves. If he’s with them, they’ll just ignore him anyway. Take him to the game, keep him overnight. That kid needs a break.
This is BORU, he won’t see your comment
Poor Joe ☹️
Damn, I've seen this one before and I was hoping there was an update where Joe is being treated as an equal part of the family.
I can't even imagine. I send my son to the store for things all the time, because him running any errand I ask is how he "pays" for the privilege of using my car whenever he wants. But then I go through his bank statements and transfer back any money he spends. I can't imagine not paying him back. He works hard for his money, abc he's saving for college.
And Kay needs to break away from Social Media, it is feeding into her depression over her health issues. It’s like watching TV news 24/7 during a disaster/war/Covid, the more you watch, the more you tune into updates, = the more you get depressed over what is/had happened.
Poor uncle needs to get that boy out of there once he's 18. I can imagine he'll be asked to work instead of college to pay for medical bills.
I'm chronically ill and often talk about it (more just because it's part of me as a person) and I would NEVER think to act this way. I legit feel bad when I have appointments that fall on days others have shit going on. AND I'm almost the same age as Kay. Kay is frankly being selfish.
Hopefully the kid turns 18 and can walk away from all this. I’m glad he has oop though. I feel bad the kids that don’t have any outside support. The parents will try to make his life hell and try to guilt him into staying and paying. I hope he makes it out and finds his family of choice. The poor girl too. They stunted her growth. She’s mentally whatever age she got diagnosed. I get not having a diagnosis is in this weird limbo but I’ve known kids who survived cancer and grew up well adjusted at least from a teacher perspective. Like respectful, did work, got along fine with peers. Only knew because of their brag sheet on what hardships they overcame. So it’s not like they were talking about it all the time. I get being a kid vs a teen is different though. But still, older sister at 21 still seems like a teenager.
Even if you’re a teacher, you still can’t speak for people who survived childhood cancer, and it feels gross to see it used as a yardstick, and feels even worse to see “hey, I know kids who survived cancer and they didn’t make a big deal out of it” as someone who had childhood cancer. Guess I’m even doing that wrong
That kid is going to turn 18 and ask for help on how to flee the house and his parents are going to have the surprised PikaChu face when he disappears from their life.
That boy is going to turn his back on his entire family the moment he leaves home.
Kay seems to be all about hogging her family’s time and efforts, like deliberately making a bunch of appointments on Joe’s birthday etc - she is like a cuckoo chick that pushes the host bird’s smaller chicks out of the nest. It’s all about her to the point of mental illness / psychosomatic symptoms. The sooner Joe frees himself from this sick family the better. Continue to help your nephew all you can, directly. You now know you can’t trust the parents. Joe will always come last. NTA!
Dam that kid has way more patience then I did at that age, I would have gone scorched earth on my parents
In the distant future: "My son moved out and it's been several years since we've heard his voice."
OP should probably look into adding his nephew onto his phone plan, once nephew is 18 his parents will be looking for any reason to keep their control over him
Those parents in 2 years : Why did our son move in with my brother/BIL on his 18th birthday and block us? We were the bestest parents, how could he do this?
NTA. If you are in one of the states where teens 16 and older can ask for a change of guardianship, talk to a family practice lawyer. Before you talk to your nephew!!! Ask if your nephew would have grounds (theft of his gifts, neglect, requiring him to give his earnings from his job to parents and sister, exclusion from family events and therapy.....). To ask Family Court to request YOU as his guardian, not his parents. Yes or no? And what it would mean financially - who pays nephews food and living costs, medical plan, etc. If the lawyer says yes your nephew would win if he requested this (with the lawyer's help), then talk to your nephew and see if he wants to do this.
10 internet points says that Kay either has Munchausen's OR is possibly dealing with the effects of long-haul covid
NTA you don’t need to be a parent to recognize blatant favoritism and neglect.
I feel like Joe just needs to be taken away from his parents. If that’s through guardianship or emancipation, I don’t know. I was hoping OOP would have a fairytale update for us and say they’ve removed him from the home. But guess not I can only hope he has one of those friends with families willing to house him for his last two years and support him like he needs
Making the 16 year old pay for their adult sisters phone bill? Bruh the fuck? I'd be pissed if I had to pay for a little siblings phone bill let alone my older when they're still living at home. I'd foot the bill for my older sister for a while if I knew she were in dire straits or something but she also lives on her own and has a job
My parents sucked like they were the worst people alive and shouldn’t have been allowed to mate and reproduce. My uncle was the best. He would take us out to eat and buy us little things here and there. Asked about our lives, etc. To a neglected and abused kid, that was everything. My father got butthurt and jealous since my uncle distanced himself and eventually cut ties with us, and we all drifted apart later in life. You may not realize how much of an impact you have on that kid's life. It could be a significant milestone to have someone supportive in your circle. Growing up, I hated everyone in my family and felt isolated and a product of my environment. My only escape was reading books. You do what you can to keep that bond alive with him and support that lil guy!
Definitely NTA trying u are being a wonderful uncle. And the parents need to recognize that. And they do owe u and their son for their failure. To spend time with him . Good luck
"I know Kay's health issues are very real" I mean, if her stomach is so upset she needs pepto with someone else's money but then thinks it's fine to put alcohol on an upset stomach...no, her health issues probably aren't as real as you think, bud.
"Money is replaceable. Time isnt." I teared up. I hope Joe gets love and time and affection from OOP, who seems like an upstanding guy. It's a real shame Joe's actual immidiate family has failed him so badly until now.
Once he moves out he'll never speak to them again.
Sounds as if the parents are also making their entire personalities all about their daughter's illness. Reminds me of a talk show I saw years ago that explained Munchausen syndrome by proxy. (rMunchausen syndrome by proxy (MSBP) is a mental health condition and a form of abuse where a caregiver intentionally causes or fakes symptoms in a vulnerable person, usually a child, to make it look like they are sick. The caregiver may also invent illness stories and create physical signs to support them) They basically get off on the attention from doctors and strangers because their kid is sick. If they do it to themselves, it's just Munchausen syndrome)
Hey if no one else is gonna say it, I can do it. Chiropractors and acupuncturists *aren't real doctors*. You don't see them if you have special allergy conditions! You see them if you want to waste your money! Acupuncture can feel good, but there's no evidence it cures allergies, and chiropracty can do more damage than good half the time.
You need to open a bank account for this kid that his parents can't access because they are going to loot it. I doubt he waits until 18 to leave their house. NTA. Get his paperwork too please.
That was 4 posts of the exact same thing, and OP doing nothing about it.
Right? “I spoke with my sisterr and she says I’m in the wrong, am I?” Literally 0 action taken to help his nephew lmfao.
Joe is going to go no contact with all 3 of them as soon as he turns 18 and/or moves out. Then OOP’s sister will cry and go “why doesn’t he ever come around anymore?!”, at least I hope so. Joe is the glass child. And I actually wonder if Munchausen Syndrome (or by proxy if it’s the parents) is in play here.
And ‘why won’t he pay for his older sisters phone anymore’
I hope he leaves at 18 and cuts them out.
What kind of nonsense is excluding him from family therapy??
I would have sued them for my money back and court costs. They shouldn’t be rewarded for theft.
The good news is that Joe's situation is seen and that he had an advocate. That's the only positive here, but it's much better than him suffering unseen as so many neglected children do. :(