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>Because of how traumatic that was for him, he ended up treating me horribly. He has since apologized and has been amazing to me, however i know that multiple other women were in his life during that first year.
This guy is T R A S H.
I literally stopped reading after that and scrolled to the comments. I love wasting time as much as the next person, but that woman clearly has me beat.
What a ghoul, seriously. Imagine poking fun at the weight of someone knowing they had a history with ED, particularly anorexia. I’d put him on the level with the guy who always told her girlfriend that she smelled.
He is way worse than that guy. He could get her killed from that shit. He is only capable of being attracted to women who are starving to death? And he doesn’t realize that’s a him problem? He’s a waste of oxygen.
You also missed the part where she dumped his ass. She had a moment of “derp” admittedly but she overcame it pretty quickly, and is focusing on herself and has her mother doing daily checkins with her as a way to make sure she’s staying on track. Honestly despite the momentary derp moment between posts, it’s a surprisingly healthy approach.
She started with him at 20 and had severe self esteem issues since her mid teens. The first guy to kind of both plug into her self esteem issues and give her attention/love bombs was going to have her locked in.
I'm glad she's starting to grow up and push back.
This guy is just another extension of her mental health problems - she’s moved from treating her body terribly, to treating her emotional self terribly. No one who’s in a good place with their mental health would date a guy like this.
He called his criticism of her having more weight to lose “normal.” As in “normal conversation” in a relationship.
Nice try, asswipe.
Imagine the nerve of this guy, appointing himself the expert on what weight is right for her. And imagine averting your gaze from your partner’s body — sending the message that the person you supposedly love is too repulsive to even look at while you’re having sex. Unbelievable.
Years ago I dated a guy I shouldn't have, even after he told me he was used to dating dancers and really thin women but was always bored by them, so he wanted to try to date someone less hot who was smarter and more interesting to be with. Man he was an awful person, my mom was so glad when we broke up, his parents were so sad though 😂 and last I saw on fb he found his anorexic gf, so good for him.
But there are more guys out there like this than you'd hope. And they're always like, well I'm just being objective, you aren't as skinny as these other girls, that's just reality. (And I was never fat! Just didn't starve myself!)
Wow.
The ways in which we're all socialized to pretend that kind of low blow is awkwardly phrased honesty coming from a genuine place. Otherwise the immediate responses would only be selected from options like, "Check please?"/ "Would you _look_ at the time?"/ "The _FUCK_ you say?!?"/ .
Yeah, I still don't know why I didn't just walk away then. And the red flags didn't stop there either! Unsurprisingly he tried to bring a lot of drama, while claiming he "hated drama" of course. And it drove him nuts that I returned all of that nonsense to sender lol. He actually said a few months in, this was the most normal relationship he had ever been in. Like what kind of woman just says what she means and means what she says, and doesn't get mad when he can't read her mind? 😂
I moved away so we broke up, and it wasn't really that sad, we didn't hate each other but we just weren't right for each other. I do hope he is happy because although he's a douche, he's not an actively bad person, if that makes sense? It's just all he knows relationships to be, I almost feel sorry for him. And I could not possibly be happier with my husband and our kids, so it doesn't hurt me a bit to wish him the best for his life.
I love your positive vibes, and wish you all the continued happiness!
I can be a card carrying Petty Betty, so I would want him to step on a surprise Lego every day for the rest of his life, but I love your take.
I think the mindfuck arises, because it *does* come from an honest, genuine place. These guys just happen to like the look of women who are starving to death. It is very real and genuine.
And as humans we can sense juuuuust enough of that earnestness to convince ourselves that if it's honest it can't be evil, because we really, really need to believe in the goodness of human beings.
Iow. We don't need to pretend. And neither do they. They're entirely honest about liking the anorexic look and we really, *really* need to think people are good, A-OK creatures. Result: a downwards spiral.
I hear what you're saying, but I wholeheartedly believe there's a certain type of person that likes what they're told is likeable. Some of them do believe whatever is mainstream is worthwhile, and some are less concious that they are following where their friends and family lead. If the sources they value tell them super slim and relaxed Kate Moss types are out and super slim and overtly fit dancer types like Sarah Jessica Parker are in they would switch without thinking about it. And those are both slim women. In the 1960s when western culture moved so distinctly from highlighting specific kinds of curvaceousness (sweater girls, Sophia Loren, wiggle skirts) to a very pronounced slimness that can be seen in the idealized framing of Twiggy, Audrey Hepburn, or Diana Ross. Some people were like, "at last they get it", others were confused and disinterested. But some people really just change their preferences to what other people will admire them for being next to. Same process when JLo's genuine behind became a thing in mainstream media. The attempts and successes of trying to replicate a specific kind of larger booty on all kinds of bodies led to a BBL armsrace. And let's all have a prayer circle for all the big titty goth girls that are just trying to mind their own business and enjoy life.
Maybe some straight dudes really like extremely skinny or even emaciated women, and don't care how their partner makes that happen. Others just want their partner to be a better ornament, and whatever aesthetic will envoke the most envy from other men is what they really want. If lush curves become the trend that guy will either drop you or have all new suggestions for how you can comply with the updated beauty standards. He's just trying to help.
And enough women who don't outright have body dysmorphia don't necessarily recognise that, while there are some women with very high metabolisms who are naturally very slender and are healthy at that weight, struggle to gain weight beyond that point, etc - the majority of e.g. actresses do very strictly moderate their diets and exercise regimes so they can, for instance, fit into designer sample size dresses for red carpet events. For probably 70% of the population, being/staying that small healthily is not possible. Even for those who can safely do it, for the majority it is a huge commitment. But e.g. back in the 90s/00s, we didn't think the cast of Friends was shockingly slim - slim, yes, but not THAT thin... Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) and crew were considered TV "normal". Think of the hoopla about Renee Zelweger gaining weight to play Bridget Jones...
It's not considered "weird", "ghoulish", "rude" or "horrific" to tell somebody, even somebody with an ED apparently, that you think they look better dangerously underweight than at a healthy BMI for their build. Thinking half-starved people look nice is normalised.
i’ve seen so many posts in ED spaces warning about men selling themselves as “ana coaches” to predate on mostly girls, cause they know an ED lands you in a v vulnerable place emotionally/mentally
They’ve been together two years, he didn’t the whole first year cheating and in the second is pushing her back into disordered eating.
I wish someone loved her enough to get her out of this relationship.
>You’ve all been very supportive and kind, thank you for giving me the courage and the push towards the right direction. I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on
It's very brief in the update. Hopefully she's not just saying it to tone down the pressure, and hopefully she doesn't take him back.
"I was so traumatized by being cheated on that I cheated on you multiple times :( :( :( but you have to put up with it even though I didn't because I'm ~healing~ now go be a skeleton or else I won't have sex with you except anything you do for me is fine"
Straight to the trash compactor with that one
Obviously, OOP's self esteem is in the toilet. It's crazy that she thinks being his emotional punching bag is an acceptable part of his healing journey. The fuck?
It’s from this fantastic comment on an otherwise unremarkable post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15oax9g/i_accidentally_liked_an_instagram_photo_and_now/jvs0pca/
This is sliding back into the eating disorder to appease a dirtbag.
This is the only time i would say it is a good idea for an anorexic to lose wight, about 150lbs worth by ditching the dirtbag. OOP should not wait, the longer she drags it out, the more accumulated psychological harm will have happened.
Honestly, I think the BF is one of those anorexia fetishists. I know OOP said she gained weight after diagnosis and before they met, but it might not have been that much. Now that she's actually healthy healthy he's not attracted.
He wants her with an eating disorder because that's what he thinks is attractive.
He clearly is a fetishist, she’s on a healthy weight, he knows she has an eating disorder and still begs her into losing weight because HEs not attracted to her healthy weight, he’s an abusive asshole from all accounts
You gotta use the power zone between your hips and shoulders. Snuggle up to stuff before lifting. If you gotta reach forward or up or down, then don't. Find another way. For down, you gotta squat. If it's heavy, then you gotta keep your knees around 90 degrees and not sink lower, or you risk injuring them from mechanical disadvantage. Stay down until you've loaded the object, using your arms to lift it up, using your thighs to support it while you get a good grip.
That's how you put on a heavy backpack, also. Like a hiking backpack or just a school backpack with a bunch of stuff in it. You bend your knees, then life it with your arms only up onto your knees thighs while you get a good grip and balance to get your hand under the top base of the strap, elbow tucked in against your side, and now it's already hanging off your shoulder! If it's REALLY heavy then this won't work safely. You gotta lift if safely on to a ledge/chair/table or on to someone else's knees with the back facing you. Then get yourself strapped in (sternum strap first! Then waist.) before loading. Adjust bottom up. Don't forget your load straps! Very important to distribute the weight nicely.
For up, you just can't do it. You gotta get a really good non slip heavy (HEAVY) duty ladder at the very least. It's still very dangerous. Best to have two people and hand it off. Carrying particularly heavy and big stuff on stairs is so dangerous. Especially going up, where if you trip or lose your balance, you're falling backwards and the object is falling on you. That's why you want to always keep your weight forward. And if you drop it, the a lot of the time you just gotta let it go.
For picking up off a surface you can't reach nicely, pull it towards you. If you can't, then get a rope and use that to loop around the base and slide it. Consider tipping it slowly to roll it.
Even medium to moderate lifting benefits from these techniques when it's repetitive. Even 5-10 pounds lifted over and over strains your body when lifted with mechanical disadvantage.
>I had a conversation with him on how I’ve been very happy with this new routine and the results I see on my body, he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly.
Now that's just a fucked up thing to say. What an asshole!
Right? That's ALREADY grounds for a breakup, but to a woman with an ED? I almost guarantee that he doesn't believe that EDs are legit, like a moronic asshole.
He believes it's real. He's an abuser and using the ED to hurt her.
Did you note how he mistreats her because his exes treated him badly? If she actually talked to them I bet she'd get a very different story.
OP, if you did indeed break up, don't let him lure you back in. This man will destroy you.
Yes. And abusers have this awful 6th sense where they can figure out who is vulnerable. It’s like we have this invisible beacon that only they can see.
Not sure why you got downvoted. That’s strange.
You’re probably correct. I do fall for a lot of bullshit (when I’m in a more vulnerable - although I fell for some bullshit last week so who knows when I’ll be better able to block it).
Especially considering that to see marked results in one week, she's absolutely doing shit that puts her close to relapsing. She may be eating, but she never specified how much/how long she was working out.
I'll never forget when I first started recovering from ED a guy told me I'd be perfect if I lost 20 pounds.
That 20 pounds, if I lost it at that time, would have put me at voluntary mental hospital stay weight. My lowest weight. The guy after that constantly policed my food choices.
Now, no matter how big or small I am, I will not let someone I am dating comment on the food I eat or my weight. It has never been out of love or "normal" like this guy has tried to make it. I know my body, it's mine to take care of unless you want to make sure I'm not eating too little. ✌️
He was trying to keep you sick. Or he had no clue what 20 lbs looked like. But 100 percent he was trying to keep you in a lower state of mind. Glad you’re doing good!! Recovery is so freeing.
Thank you!
He was one of those very overweight guys that would wear no fat chicks shirts. 18 year old me had no self esteem or taste. 😅
It took watching a documentary where I kept saying "these women are gorgeous" and then it clicked, because I looked like those women when I was healthy. I still struggle now and then, but I actually love myself and that has helped me immensely.
I don't have any anorexia or anything and even then if my BF had said this, I'd break up.
Also she didn't mention her weight but it doesn't seem like she needs to lose weight, idk it just seems he's pushing his version of 0 size or whatever on OP.
Anyway LOSE THE WEIGHT, THE BURDEN THE BF
That's me. Had been on all ends of weight throughout my life and that belly has always been there. It's definitely aboit his idean aesthetic or he's reducing her self esteem.
One reason I started packing weight on was that guys like this would give me a wide berth. Turns out they won’t, they like the power trip either way. Turns out most women just need to learn how to tell these guys to eat shit.
As someone with an eating disorder "I’m not back to my disordered habits, there’s no need to worry" is exactly what you say when you are back to your disordered habits. That's the ED self-defense system firing back up. OOP has already relapsed and she might not even know it.
Agreed. Once she said she's seeing great results after like a week, it was clear. If you do thinks in a healthy slow way, you wouldn't really notice anything after a week. This is scary and I hope there's somebody in her real life to intervene.
For me it was when she adopted a new method and got good results in a week. She knows she's at a healthy weight, and still tries to lose weight, and that's the "not healthy" part, not her method, but her intent.
Same, I may eat and exercise in a healthy manner for a week or so but when I’m not dropping weight like how I do when I starve myself it’s easy to go from a healthy snack to no snack to no meals very quickly. The fact that she dropped a significant amount of weight in the two weeks between the two posts tells me that she is not going about it in a healthy way.
I don't have an ED and what this guy is saying to her would be very upsetting to me. No way it hasn't affected her ED. He's literally pointing out to her what he thinks are her flaws and areas she needs to work on. How would that not be triggering.
The last relapse I had, I thought I was being healthy because I was exercising and eating, but the reality was I was over exercising and still eating the same amount (or, admittedly restricting some), and I suspect OOP is in the same mindset of "exercising and eating healthy." I hope she can course correct, but she won't be able to until she realizes the only weight she needs to get rid of is her deadweight bf.
Her ED flaring back up and the boyfriend is putting gasoline on that fire with both his "motivating" and his remarks. Everything in her posts scream ED. I am married to someone with an ED and lets be honest it will always be there somewhere ready to flare back up and as a partner you play a really big roll in preventing this.
I am such a delicate flower, this negging would have sent me home permanently, never to dare to defile his sight again with my unseemly tummy. Number changed, address changed, full witness protection.
I _think_ a dude was negging me once at my retail job about my hair. I was horrified, slunk (!) off to the washroom to fix it, and refused to speak directly to him or make eye contact until he left the store. I wouldn't be a good candidate for negging I guess because having real "issues" with my appearance pointed out to me unkindly would have me disappear in a puff of embarrassment like Dracula turning into a bat. Unless I disagreed with the comment, and then there's a one time invitation to shut all the way up. If a follow up is needed on unsolicited commentary, it won't be as polite. Or sparing of the critique giver's own appearance, since they brought it up.
I kinda love this for you. It's like a superpower you can use against terrible men. Man insults you, and you just disappear. For maximum dramatic effect you should play up the embarrassment. "OH no! I'm hideous! I can't be seen in public!!!" Runs to washroom. " Make people wonder wtf he just said to you and out him as an asshole who likes to randomly offend women.
Replies: “NTA, you should leave him because somebody who truly loves you would never treat you this way.”
OOP: “Hey guys, so I just completely ignored everything you told me because I’m so desperate to get attention and validation from a man that I’ll literally endanger both my physical and mental health to appease a shallow dirtbag.”
It's incredibly sad how often AITA is like that. Or "Hey relationship advice! My boyfriend made me cry, and I asked him not to treat me bad, but he says I need to toughen up and it was my fault anyways. How can I make him not make me cry all the time?"
A little bit to go? This is maddening! Just another example of a man that doesn't really like his girlfriend, it's getting a bit too tiresome with how frequently it happens.
This girl needs to look into Orthorexia, because she is in extreme danger of developing it (if she isn’t already). A week of exercise will show almost no change to the body’s appearance, she’s already engaging in body checking behaviours to appease her partner but also to appease the ED that’s clearly still very present in her mind. I hope she is able to recognize this/her mom recognizes it since she’s monitoring her.
>Having an eating disorder is a mental illness, not just physical, just like a drug addiction is. You’re never mentally free and always have the risk of relapsing, but that doesn’t always mean it has to be the case.
Speaking from personal experience, yeah. It's hard but doable.
Here's hoping she's on the right track!
It's hard and doable, but in my experience it's never really gone completely. The thoughts still pop up sometimes, but one can realise they're unhealthy, and send them back to their box in the back of your mind.
My therapist claims full recovery is possible for anyone and you have to believe there's hope for it. I'm not convinced, honestly.
My ED care team are wonderful and incredibly helpful and supportive but they're not going to be able to completely fix problems that have been there since my earliest memories. What you describe is more or less the goal for me.
Yeh for sure. Like it's not a problem really. Just... there. Like a catchy song from the 80s you can never quite get out of your head. Never gonna give you up.... :-p
So let me get this straight: dude is awful to her for over a year of their two year relationship, apparently cheated on her multiple times and blamed it on the trauma of him being cheated on by his ex, and wants her to be an unhealthy weight when he knows she has anorexia.
The only weight she needs to lose is this loser of a man.
I love how she's like, at least he lets me give him as many BJs as his heart desires...dear God. We really do a number on women and their self esteem. I can't believe the shit we put up with.
My god what a dipshit, I was just recovering from an ED when I met my current bf, he always encouraged me to eat and made me try new stuff that I ended up loving, just eating with him alone in my car where no one was seeing and judging healed me relationship with food. He expressed happiness at my weight gain and kept telling me I was beautiful no matter what. This is what an actual loving supportive bf does, not an abusive piece of shit like that man. She needs to understand she deserves more and she doesn’t need to look a certain way to earn love
Truly vile how our culture has conditioned people to believe a flat stomach is natural. The only way you have a flat stomach is to suck in or be underweight.
fuck, i’m underweight and still don’t have a flat stomach because i have these mysterious things called “organs” that take up “space” and have “mass”, a concept diet culture has seemed to conveniently forgotten
Well, there's your mistake.
Try this trick: have your brain transferred into a jellyfish, and you'll be 90 percent water AND not have a stomach AT ALL!
Well, now the whole Internet knows you regularly look at jellyfish butts...
You do you. But please don't do the jellyfish, there's plenty of funny ER-stories to go around already!
I saw a recent post where someone said they wished Taylor Swift would get an eating disorder again because she was gaining too much weight. It happens.
I've seen those. And it's not even that she's gaining weight, it's *clearly* just cyclical. Totally normal, totally healthy. I'm not even a Swiftie, but she looks fantastic. It's genuinely frightening to see young people making those sorts of comments.
> he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly.
This bothered me so so so much.
Ladies, any cis ladies reading this— we have extra plumbing down there that can sometimes give us a natural pudge. There is no healthy way to get rid of it— what you are seeing is your uterus taking up space in your body.
It’s absolutely nothing to be fucking ashamed of and there is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed that you can’t “get rid of it”.
Get rid of anyone who tells you otherwise. They’re delusional and not worth any of your time, effort, or attention. You deserve better.
Honestly, bi woman here, anyone who tells you otherwise is not only trash who needs to be dumped to the curb immediately, they're TASTELESS trash that needs to be dumped to the curb immediately.
Some extra tummy is very, very attractive!! There's a reason it was the idealized form in a ton of cultures! Extra tummy and thighs is 11/10 stuff, would recommend, please and thank you.
I try not to push my bf to keep the tummy he's developed now that he's out of his abusive house and able to actually get to a normal body weight, because I know he's having trouble adjusting to having like, fat.
But he still knows I'm a simp for it. and I'm shameless lmao.
Anyway find yourself a partner who thinks your most attractive body is a healthy one you're happy with, ideally someone who appreciates tummy and thighs, thank you for coming to my TED talk
The sheer number of times I've had to tell young women "yeah that but sticking out is your uterus, it's supposed to be there. See? I have one too" and seen the sheer relief on their faces...
that's misinformation - well-intentioned but misinformation nonetheless. your uterus is tiny and much further back and doesn't cause your stomach to stick out. that is indeed fat.
please note that I did not specify *excess* fat - women do naturally store fat there in part to *protect* things like the uterus. but it's not the uterus itself.
There is actually a [condition ](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/hourglass-syndrome)that is caused by someone constantly sucking in their stomach, I wonder how prevalent it is in young women.
Sucking in so much wrecked my abdominals. When I was pregnant you could see how short the muscles were so I had a weird little bump in my belly and I had never ending Braxton hicks. I’ve been working on it in PT for FIVE YEARS and still struggling to correct it and it is soooooooo uncomfortable. It’s like having someone pushing on you from the inside - there were times I couldn’t get a full breath in and I have so much stomach pain off and on. And I still have the belly lolol
I met my husband when i was devorced with 3 yound kids and was a size 22. I got down to a size 12 now im at 16-18...He loves me at any weigh and , no matter if my depression/anxiety is good or bad he loves me for me! You are young and need to find a man who loves you for you not what you "could be" The way to fix this in a healthy way is to find someone better. Yes its scary but you will be better off.
This might just be the demi/ace in me, but I really don't understand how somebody can stop being attracted to their partner because of their physical appearance. Like, do these people even like their partners in general??
Attraction is different than liking someone. I can think of a few dramatic changes my partner could make that would be hard to deal with, though I'd certainly try. Or certain things that squick me out that are hard to deal with someone you're that close to.
If I was no longer attracted to her, I'd certainly still think she was amazing and enjoy spending time with her and doing things with her. Just maybe not wanting to be her intimate partner.
I'm also demi, but it really does seem to me that so many people are in relationships not because they love the other person or even genuinely *like* them but just because they can tolerate them.
I’m fairly demi also I’ve realized and while I absolutely love my husband and find him attractive, I’ve also told him if he gets gauges in his ears I’m going to have issues. They just weird me out too much. I don’t like being able to see through the ear. He has pierced ears and wears earrings most of the time and I’m good with that. I just can’t do the large holes.
As a seemingly demi person as well, that sort of thought helped me understand the other perspective. I never really got how people stopped being attracted over weight, or a hair cut, or heck even gender transition. I got it, I accepted it, but I didn't *get it.*
My partner has joked before about getting ridiculous horrible tattoos near their pubic region just to get a reaction out of me, and I joked back that it was fine if they never wanted to have sex again. In retrospect... yeah, it would turn me off to see a photorealistic dog face panting on their lower belly. For others it might be stretched ears, or face tattoos, or 65 piercings running up and down their cheeks.
It kind of helped.
He’s more attracted to her when she’s unhealthily thin because she’s easier to control that way. Eating disorder = low self esteem = I can treat her like garbage and get away with it
He would have pushed her back into active anorexia, I’d bet my entire savings account on it
This reminds me of another BORU or Am i the asshole where the husband wants to watch his partner on the scale daily until she loses the weight he wants her to shed and she is only eating 300 calories a day.
I’m thinking of the one where the guy kept complaining that his girl stank, had bad breath, etc. She went to doctors. She went to dentists. She showered twice a day. She used medical grade deodorants. Breath mints and perfume.
All to find out that her butt-munch of a boyfriend was deliberately negging her so that she would feel grateful to be in a relationship with him and too insecure to find someone else.
If a man EVER points at your body and criticizes it, I want you to say these exact words to him: You are not worthy of me, don’t ever contact me again.
Sad. Guys like this prey on women with insecurities. There was a guy in university two friends of mine dated. They both ended up with crippling eating disorders over the course of the relationship. His now wife can’t get pregnant because she lost her period due to low body fat.
I’m happy this girl got out.
No one can convince me that this guy isn’t an attempted murderer.
I’m not saying I want someone to accidentally stab him, but if he ran into a knife 10 times, I wouldn’t be alarmed.
This man KNOWS she has an ED. He is FULLY AWARE. And yet, he still makes comments on her body, alluding to her being "fat", knowing full damn well that's a huge trigger for people dealing with EDs. That isn't normal communication, that's continuing to treat her horribly and being an asshole
Yeah, my bets on someone else has caught his eye and his mistreatment of the OOP is because her reality can't measure up to the infatuation right now. No one refuses to look their partner in the face during intimate moments unless they're thinking of someone else. It's not about the weight at all I think, that's just a consequence of him already being shitty. And we already know he was cheating and seeing other women early on because she mentioned they'd already gone through that.
I dated someone who did this, but in the opposite direction. I was quite round when we initially started dating, but lost quite a bit of weight (~60lbs @ 5'4") in about six months (I'm a big eater with a fast metabolism, I gain and lose fast even with small changes). He was very complimentary about my body when I was fatter, but started to denigrate me as *still too fat* after I lost the weight, despite having been quite enthusiastic about my body when I was much fatter. After a lot of pain and confusion it became painfully clear that he believed my fatness was what had initially put me "in his league" and he thought that after losing the weight I'd leave him. Which I finally did. Not because I had more "options" (I've been many sizes and shapes and never found that to be a primary factor) nor, I'm sorry to say, for being a rude insecure ass, but because his insecurity eventually made him physically abusive and a very good friend gave me the combined hug and stern lecture I desperately needed to clear my head.
The minute he said she still had a little to go and pointed at her belly my petty ass would have pointed at his pecker and told him he still needed to grow a few more inches.
The boyfriend knew exactly what he was doing. He triggered her on purpose to kept her off killer so he can be the "better one" in the relationship. Then he gaslighted her about it. I'm glad she dumped him.
Even if she gets back to whatever weight this asshole finds acceptable, it's not going to stay there forever. Being skinny for life is not a reasonable expectation, outside of certain genetics.
Can't say(I'd be banned) what she should say/do to a "partner" who says, "Good, you still have a little more to go”, but definitely she should permanently break up with him.
I hope someone pointed out to OOP that her boyfriend is trying to break her down so he can control her. I kind of have a feeling that his ex either didn't cheat, she just left his sorry ass after realizing she could do better, or if she did cheat, it was with someone who made her feel like a human. Either way, his "trauma" might've actually been rage that his possession wasn't his anymore, so he went out and got a new one who let him treat her like crap from the get-go. I don't trust that guy's version of any event at all.
You can fix this in just a few minutes with hardly any effort. All you need to do is tell your boyfriend to get lost. He is trash. First it will be your weight, then your hair, then you makeup and friends.
So OOP knows her scumbag bf was banging other chicks the entire first *year* they were together, he belittles her and degrades her, and she wants to know if feeling bad makes *her* unreasonable?!?
Goddamn. That piece of shit has done a *number* on her self esteem. She needed to dump him *years ago*. But to paraphrase an old saying: the *best* time to dump your shitty bf was two years ago. The *second* best time is **right now**.
She may be eating healthy but anorexia can also be diagnosed in someone without calorie restriction but with compulsive or excessive exercise. This still sounds super unhealthy.
So dude was cheating on her the whole first year they've been together and she didn't peace out? Sounds like anorexia isn't OOP's only self-destructive quality.
This man is a sh1t! The best way to get rid of the excess weight is to get rid of the boyfriend. He is being controlling and as someone who had an ED, you don't need that.
As other commenters have said, look after yourself, seek therapy and find a new boyfriend who doesn't think that being anorexic is a good look.
I was beyond horrified literally reading the way she was describing him. Thank god she left, he deserves to be single and I don't want to be banned so I won't say anything else. But yeah good for OP!
Ugh, having flashbacks to life with my ex who didn’t have a sex drive and when pressed admitted he didn’t find the size of my belly very appealing.
Now I live with a man who I only need to look at for a bit longer than usual and it’s ON.
That poor woman deserves someone who truly loves her.
She’ll get extra healthy and loose weight but leaving that 150lb+ load of trash she’s dragging behind her by the roadside
Not like unloading weight you don’t have to be responsible for carrying.
Also helps you out sting gym. Nothing to drag you down or hold you back
BF was being a shitty partner when he told her she "had a way to go". That would be a shitty and demoralizing thing to say to anyone in that context. Saying it to someone you know is seriously struggling with an eating disorder is 1000x worse.
I suspect that his treatment of her didn't actually get better, he got better at making her accept his mistreatment. That he didn't think this was a horrible thing to say shows how he feels about OOP as a partner and as a person.
I'm so incredibly glad she chucked the guy and has a support system in place.
Even if a loved one *dragged* a negative opinion out of me - because communication is critical, sure - you still have to do *aftercare*, and present the opinion in a soft way.
If a part of your s.o. turns you off to this point, its an incompatibility and you either end the relationship or immediately find a workaround that leaves everyone comfortable.
Calling a formerly (currently?) anorexic person fat is such a callous, careless, *damaging* thing to do...
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>Because of how traumatic that was for him, he ended up treating me horribly. He has since apologized and has been amazing to me, however i know that multiple other women were in his life during that first year. This guy is T R A S H.
I literally stopped reading after that and scrolled to the comments. I love wasting time as much as the next person, but that woman clearly has me beat.
You missed the part where he's only attracted to her enough to let her give him head. Ol boy is operating strictly on villain time.
What a ghoul, seriously. Imagine poking fun at the weight of someone knowing they had a history with ED, particularly anorexia. I’d put him on the level with the guy who always told her girlfriend that she smelled.
He is way worse than that guy. He could get her killed from that shit. He is only capable of being attracted to women who are starving to death? And he doesn’t realize that’s a him problem? He’s a waste of oxygen.
You also missed the part where she dumped his ass. She had a moment of “derp” admittedly but she overcame it pretty quickly, and is focusing on herself and has her mother doing daily checkins with her as a way to make sure she’s staying on track. Honestly despite the momentary derp moment between posts, it’s a surprisingly healthy approach.
She started with him at 20 and had severe self esteem issues since her mid teens. The first guy to kind of both plug into her self esteem issues and give her attention/love bombs was going to have her locked in. I'm glad she's starting to grow up and push back.
This guy is just another extension of her mental health problems - she’s moved from treating her body terribly, to treating her emotional self terribly. No one who’s in a good place with their mental health would date a guy like this.
Fuck. You called me out. Definitely a wake up call to why I entered some bad relationships.
Eating disorders are among the most lethal mental disorders. This guy could be literally killing her with his criticism. Fuck this guy.
He called his criticism of her having more weight to lose “normal.” As in “normal conversation” in a relationship. Nice try, asswipe. Imagine the nerve of this guy, appointing himself the expert on what weight is right for her. And imagine averting your gaze from your partner’s body — sending the message that the person you supposedly love is too repulsive to even look at while you’re having sex. Unbelievable.
Years ago I dated a guy I shouldn't have, even after he told me he was used to dating dancers and really thin women but was always bored by them, so he wanted to try to date someone less hot who was smarter and more interesting to be with. Man he was an awful person, my mom was so glad when we broke up, his parents were so sad though 😂 and last I saw on fb he found his anorexic gf, so good for him. But there are more guys out there like this than you'd hope. And they're always like, well I'm just being objective, you aren't as skinny as these other girls, that's just reality. (And I was never fat! Just didn't starve myself!)
Wow. The ways in which we're all socialized to pretend that kind of low blow is awkwardly phrased honesty coming from a genuine place. Otherwise the immediate responses would only be selected from options like, "Check please?"/ "Would you _look_ at the time?"/ "The _FUCK_ you say?!?"/ .
Yeah, I still don't know why I didn't just walk away then. And the red flags didn't stop there either! Unsurprisingly he tried to bring a lot of drama, while claiming he "hated drama" of course. And it drove him nuts that I returned all of that nonsense to sender lol. He actually said a few months in, this was the most normal relationship he had ever been in. Like what kind of woman just says what she means and means what she says, and doesn't get mad when he can't read her mind? 😂 I moved away so we broke up, and it wasn't really that sad, we didn't hate each other but we just weren't right for each other. I do hope he is happy because although he's a douche, he's not an actively bad person, if that makes sense? It's just all he knows relationships to be, I almost feel sorry for him. And I could not possibly be happier with my husband and our kids, so it doesn't hurt me a bit to wish him the best for his life.
I love your positive vibes, and wish you all the continued happiness! I can be a card carrying Petty Betty, so I would want him to step on a surprise Lego every day for the rest of his life, but I love your take.
God I wish I could just open my mouth and produce a loud dial tone in awkward scenarios
I think the mindfuck arises, because it *does* come from an honest, genuine place. These guys just happen to like the look of women who are starving to death. It is very real and genuine. And as humans we can sense juuuuust enough of that earnestness to convince ourselves that if it's honest it can't be evil, because we really, really need to believe in the goodness of human beings. Iow. We don't need to pretend. And neither do they. They're entirely honest about liking the anorexic look and we really, *really* need to think people are good, A-OK creatures. Result: a downwards spiral.
I hear what you're saying, but I wholeheartedly believe there's a certain type of person that likes what they're told is likeable. Some of them do believe whatever is mainstream is worthwhile, and some are less concious that they are following where their friends and family lead. If the sources they value tell them super slim and relaxed Kate Moss types are out and super slim and overtly fit dancer types like Sarah Jessica Parker are in they would switch without thinking about it. And those are both slim women. In the 1960s when western culture moved so distinctly from highlighting specific kinds of curvaceousness (sweater girls, Sophia Loren, wiggle skirts) to a very pronounced slimness that can be seen in the idealized framing of Twiggy, Audrey Hepburn, or Diana Ross. Some people were like, "at last they get it", others were confused and disinterested. But some people really just change their preferences to what other people will admire them for being next to. Same process when JLo's genuine behind became a thing in mainstream media. The attempts and successes of trying to replicate a specific kind of larger booty on all kinds of bodies led to a BBL armsrace. And let's all have a prayer circle for all the big titty goth girls that are just trying to mind their own business and enjoy life. Maybe some straight dudes really like extremely skinny or even emaciated women, and don't care how their partner makes that happen. Others just want their partner to be a better ornament, and whatever aesthetic will envoke the most envy from other men is what they really want. If lush curves become the trend that guy will either drop you or have all new suggestions for how you can comply with the updated beauty standards. He's just trying to help.
> And let's all have a prayer circle for all the big titty goth girls that are just trying to mind their own business and enjoy life. Amen.
And enough women who don't outright have body dysmorphia don't necessarily recognise that, while there are some women with very high metabolisms who are naturally very slender and are healthy at that weight, struggle to gain weight beyond that point, etc - the majority of e.g. actresses do very strictly moderate their diets and exercise regimes so they can, for instance, fit into designer sample size dresses for red carpet events. For probably 70% of the population, being/staying that small healthily is not possible. Even for those who can safely do it, for the majority it is a huge commitment. But e.g. back in the 90s/00s, we didn't think the cast of Friends was shockingly slim - slim, yes, but not THAT thin... Calista Flockhart (Ally McBeal) and crew were considered TV "normal". Think of the hoopla about Renee Zelweger gaining weight to play Bridget Jones... It's not considered "weird", "ghoulish", "rude" or "horrific" to tell somebody, even somebody with an ED apparently, that you think they look better dangerously underweight than at a healthy BMI for their build. Thinking half-starved people look nice is normalised.
Damn 00’s diet culture really hit the men too they just don’t have the self-awareness or basic emotional/internal intelligence to notice.
God, I love the black community the only place where having a booty has never been a problem and probably never will be
i’ve seen so many posts in ED spaces warning about men selling themselves as “ana coaches” to predate on mostly girls, cause they know an ED lands you in a v vulnerable place emotionally/mentally
They’ve been together two years, he didn’t the whole first year cheating and in the second is pushing her back into disordered eating. I wish someone loved her enough to get her out of this relationship.
She did! She dumped him.
Oh. Did I miss that in this post?
>You’ve all been very supportive and kind, thank you for giving me the courage and the push towards the right direction. I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on It's very brief in the update. Hopefully she's not just saying it to tone down the pressure, and hopefully she doesn't take him back.
He couldn't care less what weight is right for her, healthy for her. He just cared what looked perfect *to him*, aesthetically.
But his pp
I really don't understand why she kept him at all after this.
Because she's unwell, and doesn't believe she deserves any better.
The same reason why he chose her. Because she had low self-esteem.
She didn’t, fortunately! Blink and you’ll miss it: “ I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on.”
"I was so traumatized by being cheated on that I cheated on you multiple times :( :( :( but you have to put up with it even though I didn't because I'm ~healing~ now go be a skeleton or else I won't have sex with you except anything you do for me is fine" Straight to the trash compactor with that one
Obviously, OOP's self esteem is in the toilet. It's crazy that she thinks being his emotional punching bag is an acceptable part of his healing journey. The fuck?
He “ended up” treating her horribly. It just somehow happened, whoopsie! Because he was the victim. He had no control over how he treated her. 😡😡
The entire update I just shouted NO NO NO RUN NOOOO NO DO NOT WALK RUNNNNNNNN at my screen. What a dumpster fire of a person.
She wants to "fix" it but there's literally nothing there to fix, and there never was.
I bet his ex never cheated. It was probably a lie to excuse his bad behavior.
Where is your tag line from?! I wheeze-laughed so hard I think I popped a rib
It’s from this fantastic comment on an otherwise unremarkable post: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/15oax9g/i_accidentally_liked_an_instagram_photo_and_now/jvs0pca/
It sounds like he wants to put her down so she thinks she relies on him and can't do better and therefore won't leave him.
This is sliding back into the eating disorder to appease a dirtbag. This is the only time i would say it is a good idea for an anorexic to lose wight, about 150lbs worth by ditching the dirtbag. OOP should not wait, the longer she drags it out, the more accumulated psychological harm will have happened.
Honestly, I think the BF is one of those anorexia fetishists. I know OOP said she gained weight after diagnosis and before they met, but it might not have been that much. Now that she's actually healthy healthy he's not attracted. He wants her with an eating disorder because that's what he thinks is attractive.
I think he’s doing it to keep her on a leash. I think it’s just opportunistic negging because he knows about her eating disorder
He clearly is a fetishist, she’s on a healthy weight, he knows she has an eating disorder and still begs her into losing weight because HEs not attracted to her healthy weight, he’s an abusive asshole from all accounts
The healthy way to fix this is to pack all of his shit in a box and to leave it on the front step, remembering to lift with your legs, not your back.
Most amazing leg routine I've ever heard.
You gotta use the power zone between your hips and shoulders. Snuggle up to stuff before lifting. If you gotta reach forward or up or down, then don't. Find another way. For down, you gotta squat. If it's heavy, then you gotta keep your knees around 90 degrees and not sink lower, or you risk injuring them from mechanical disadvantage. Stay down until you've loaded the object, using your arms to lift it up, using your thighs to support it while you get a good grip. That's how you put on a heavy backpack, also. Like a hiking backpack or just a school backpack with a bunch of stuff in it. You bend your knees, then life it with your arms only up onto your knees thighs while you get a good grip and balance to get your hand under the top base of the strap, elbow tucked in against your side, and now it's already hanging off your shoulder! If it's REALLY heavy then this won't work safely. You gotta lift if safely on to a ledge/chair/table or on to someone else's knees with the back facing you. Then get yourself strapped in (sternum strap first! Then waist.) before loading. Adjust bottom up. Don't forget your load straps! Very important to distribute the weight nicely. For up, you just can't do it. You gotta get a really good non slip heavy (HEAVY) duty ladder at the very least. It's still very dangerous. Best to have two people and hand it off. Carrying particularly heavy and big stuff on stairs is so dangerous. Especially going up, where if you trip or lose your balance, you're falling backwards and the object is falling on you. That's why you want to always keep your weight forward. And if you drop it, the a lot of the time you just gotta let it go. For picking up off a surface you can't reach nicely, pull it towards you. If you can't, then get a rope and use that to loop around the base and slide it. Consider tipping it slowly to roll it. Even medium to moderate lifting benefits from these techniques when it's repetitive. Even 5-10 pounds lifted over and over strains your body when lifted with mechanical disadvantage.
>I had a conversation with him on how I’ve been very happy with this new routine and the results I see on my body, he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly. Now that's just a fucked up thing to say. What an asshole!
And like even without an ED in the mix, in a normal relationship most people would take offence to that.
Right? That's ALREADY grounds for a breakup, but to a woman with an ED? I almost guarantee that he doesn't believe that EDs are legit, like a moronic asshole.
He believes it's real. He's an abuser and using the ED to hurt her. Did you note how he mistreats her because his exes treated him badly? If she actually talked to them I bet she'd get a very different story. OP, if you did indeed break up, don't let him lure you back in. This man will destroy you.
There are actually guys who target women with eating disorders, because it’s their fetish. :(
Yes. And abusers have this awful 6th sense where they can figure out who is vulnerable. It’s like we have this invisible beacon that only they can see.
You don't, and they don't. It's just that, if you're not vulnerable, then their schtick doesn't work on you. It's inverse survivorship bias.
Not sure why you got downvoted. That’s strange. You’re probably correct. I do fall for a lot of bullshit (when I’m in a more vulnerable - although I fell for some bullshit last week so who knows when I’ll be better able to block it).
Ugh, now that you've pointed it out, I could totally see that being a "thing" for some asshole. Sigh...
If my partner ever said that to me I’d be in jail lol
Especially considering that to see marked results in one week, she's absolutely doing shit that puts her close to relapsing. She may be eating, but she never specified how much/how long she was working out.
I'll never forget when I first started recovering from ED a guy told me I'd be perfect if I lost 20 pounds. That 20 pounds, if I lost it at that time, would have put me at voluntary mental hospital stay weight. My lowest weight. The guy after that constantly policed my food choices. Now, no matter how big or small I am, I will not let someone I am dating comment on the food I eat or my weight. It has never been out of love or "normal" like this guy has tried to make it. I know my body, it's mine to take care of unless you want to make sure I'm not eating too little. ✌️
He was trying to keep you sick. Or he had no clue what 20 lbs looked like. But 100 percent he was trying to keep you in a lower state of mind. Glad you’re doing good!! Recovery is so freeing.
Thank you! He was one of those very overweight guys that would wear no fat chicks shirts. 18 year old me had no self esteem or taste. 😅 It took watching a documentary where I kept saying "these women are gorgeous" and then it clicked, because I looked like those women when I was healthy. I still struggle now and then, but I actually love myself and that has helped me immensely.
I don't have any anorexia or anything and even then if my BF had said this, I'd break up. Also she didn't mention her weight but it doesn't seem like she needs to lose weight, idk it just seems he's pushing his version of 0 size or whatever on OP. Anyway LOSE THE WEIGHT, THE BURDEN THE BF
Also some women just have a protective layer of fat on their lower belly and nothing besides starving will make it disappear.
That's me. Had been on all ends of weight throughout my life and that belly has always been there. It's definitely aboit his idean aesthetic or he's reducing her self esteem.
Not some but all! Belly weight is hard to lose for a reason - it protects our reproductive organs.
Who says that to a partner? 😭😭😭
The same kind of person who treated her horribly in the beginning of the relationship and blamed it on being traumatized by his exes.
She really needs to get rid of the extra weight, specially his.
One reason I started packing weight on was that guys like this would give me a wide berth. Turns out they won’t, they like the power trip either way. Turns out most women just need to learn how to tell these guys to eat shit.
As someone with an eating disorder "I’m not back to my disordered habits, there’s no need to worry" is exactly what you say when you are back to your disordered habits. That's the ED self-defense system firing back up. OOP has already relapsed and she might not even know it.
Agreed. Once she said she's seeing great results after like a week, it was clear. If you do thinks in a healthy slow way, you wouldn't really notice anything after a week. This is scary and I hope there's somebody in her real life to intervene.
For me it was when she adopted a new method and got good results in a week. She knows she's at a healthy weight, and still tries to lose weight, and that's the "not healthy" part, not her method, but her intent.
Same, I may eat and exercise in a healthy manner for a week or so but when I’m not dropping weight like how I do when I starve myself it’s easy to go from a healthy snack to no snack to no meals very quickly. The fact that she dropped a significant amount of weight in the two weeks between the two posts tells me that she is not going about it in a healthy way.
That's what I was concerned about too. You usually don't see physical results in just a week. Usually that's just water weight...
I don't have an ED and what this guy is saying to her would be very upsetting to me. No way it hasn't affected her ED. He's literally pointing out to her what he thinks are her flaws and areas she needs to work on. How would that not be triggering.
The last relapse I had, I thought I was being healthy because I was exercising and eating, but the reality was I was over exercising and still eating the same amount (or, admittedly restricting some), and I suspect OOP is in the same mindset of "exercising and eating healthy." I hope she can course correct, but she won't be able to until she realizes the only weight she needs to get rid of is her deadweight bf.
As someone with a sibling who had an Ed that was my first thought too.
Her ED flaring back up and the boyfriend is putting gasoline on that fire with both his "motivating" and his remarks. Everything in her posts scream ED. I am married to someone with an ED and lets be honest it will always be there somewhere ready to flare back up and as a partner you play a really big roll in preventing this.
Maybe it's projection but I'm 100% sure it'll be less than a week before she starts lying to her mom about what she's eating
“My boyfriend treats me like shit and i got sad. AITA for telling him not to treat me like shit”
I am such a delicate flower, this negging would have sent me home permanently, never to dare to defile his sight again with my unseemly tummy. Number changed, address changed, full witness protection. I _think_ a dude was negging me once at my retail job about my hair. I was horrified, slunk (!) off to the washroom to fix it, and refused to speak directly to him or make eye contact until he left the store. I wouldn't be a good candidate for negging I guess because having real "issues" with my appearance pointed out to me unkindly would have me disappear in a puff of embarrassment like Dracula turning into a bat. Unless I disagreed with the comment, and then there's a one time invitation to shut all the way up. If a follow up is needed on unsolicited commentary, it won't be as polite. Or sparing of the critique giver's own appearance, since they brought it up.
I kinda love this for you. It's like a superpower you can use against terrible men. Man insults you, and you just disappear. For maximum dramatic effect you should play up the embarrassment. "OH no! I'm hideous! I can't be seen in public!!!" Runs to washroom. " Make people wonder wtf he just said to you and out him as an asshole who likes to randomly offend women.
Replies: “NTA, you should leave him because somebody who truly loves you would never treat you this way.” OOP: “Hey guys, so I just completely ignored everything you told me because I’m so desperate to get attention and validation from a man that I’ll literally endanger both my physical and mental health to appease a shallow dirtbag.”
“Maybe I just didn’t say it right…” We all learn sometime about guys like this. I hope the lesson sticks for her.
It's incredibly sad how often AITA is like that. Or "Hey relationship advice! My boyfriend made me cry, and I asked him not to treat me bad, but he says I need to toughen up and it was my fault anyways. How can I make him not make me cry all the time?"
I was hoping the update was "Good news, I lost 180 pounds by ditching the dumb asshole and have never felt more healthy!"
It looks like she did dump him, maybe: >>I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on.
A little bit to go? This is maddening! Just another example of a man that doesn't really like his girlfriend, it's getting a bit too tiresome with how frequently it happens.
So many straight men don’t even seem to like women. I find myself repeating this almost daily tbh.
This girl needs to look into Orthorexia, because she is in extreme danger of developing it (if she isn’t already). A week of exercise will show almost no change to the body’s appearance, she’s already engaging in body checking behaviours to appease her partner but also to appease the ED that’s clearly still very present in her mind. I hope she is able to recognize this/her mom recognizes it since she’s monitoring her.
It’s my understanding that it will take 4-6 weeks to see results with a healthy exercise plan. 1 week is insane.
Mood spoiler: OOP is not okay.
>Having an eating disorder is a mental illness, not just physical, just like a drug addiction is. You’re never mentally free and always have the risk of relapsing, but that doesn’t always mean it has to be the case. Speaking from personal experience, yeah. It's hard but doable. Here's hoping she's on the right track!
It's hard and doable, but in my experience it's never really gone completely. The thoughts still pop up sometimes, but one can realise they're unhealthy, and send them back to their box in the back of your mind.
My therapist claims full recovery is possible for anyone and you have to believe there's hope for it. I'm not convinced, honestly. My ED care team are wonderful and incredibly helpful and supportive but they're not going to be able to completely fix problems that have been there since my earliest memories. What you describe is more or less the goal for me.
Yeh for sure. Like it's not a problem really. Just... there. Like a catchy song from the 80s you can never quite get out of your head. Never gonna give you up.... :-p
Can think of one super quick and extremely healthy way for her to lose 150 to 180 pounds...
So let me get this straight: dude is awful to her for over a year of their two year relationship, apparently cheated on her multiple times and blamed it on the trauma of him being cheated on by his ex, and wants her to be an unhealthy weight when he knows she has anorexia. The only weight she needs to lose is this loser of a man.
I love how she's like, at least he lets me give him as many BJs as his heart desires...dear God. We really do a number on women and their self esteem. I can't believe the shit we put up with.
My god what a dipshit, I was just recovering from an ED when I met my current bf, he always encouraged me to eat and made me try new stuff that I ended up loving, just eating with him alone in my car where no one was seeing and judging healed me relationship with food. He expressed happiness at my weight gain and kept telling me I was beautiful no matter what. This is what an actual loving supportive bf does, not an abusive piece of shit like that man. She needs to understand she deserves more and she doesn’t need to look a certain way to earn love
Truly vile how our culture has conditioned people to believe a flat stomach is natural. The only way you have a flat stomach is to suck in or be underweight.
fuck, i’m underweight and still don’t have a flat stomach because i have these mysterious things called “organs” that take up “space” and have “mass”, a concept diet culture has seemed to conveniently forgotten
Well, there's your mistake. Try this trick: have your brain transferred into a jellyfish, and you'll be 90 percent water AND not have a stomach AT ALL!
but jellyfish aren’t flat! even man-o-wars are still slightly domed
Oh, but we can consider that their butt and THAT should be thicc, right?
oohh.. u right. some jellyfish even look a little like butts too
Well, now the whole Internet knows you regularly look at jellyfish butts... You do you. But please don't do the jellyfish, there's plenty of funny ER-stories to go around already!
"That's not pudge, that's my liver."
I saw a recent post where someone said they wished Taylor Swift would get an eating disorder again because she was gaining too much weight. It happens.
I've seen those. And it's not even that she's gaining weight, it's *clearly* just cyclical. Totally normal, totally healthy. I'm not even a Swiftie, but she looks fantastic. It's genuinely frightening to see young people making those sorts of comments.
It was also a body pose that would push her stomach out.
> he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly. This bothered me so so so much. Ladies, any cis ladies reading this— we have extra plumbing down there that can sometimes give us a natural pudge. There is no healthy way to get rid of it— what you are seeing is your uterus taking up space in your body. It’s absolutely nothing to be fucking ashamed of and there is absolutely no reason to feel ashamed that you can’t “get rid of it”. Get rid of anyone who tells you otherwise. They’re delusional and not worth any of your time, effort, or attention. You deserve better.
It’s a Venus belly. Embrace it - it’s feminine and beautiful. I’ve never had a non-abusive partner do anything less than love mine.
I wish I could upvote this ten thousand times.
I’m in my 60s and have lower belly flab. I’ve started calling it my ‘primordial pouch’, just like cats have.
Honestly, bi woman here, anyone who tells you otherwise is not only trash who needs to be dumped to the curb immediately, they're TASTELESS trash that needs to be dumped to the curb immediately. Some extra tummy is very, very attractive!! There's a reason it was the idealized form in a ton of cultures! Extra tummy and thighs is 11/10 stuff, would recommend, please and thank you. I try not to push my bf to keep the tummy he's developed now that he's out of his abusive house and able to actually get to a normal body weight, because I know he's having trouble adjusting to having like, fat. But he still knows I'm a simp for it. and I'm shameless lmao. Anyway find yourself a partner who thinks your most attractive body is a healthy one you're happy with, ideally someone who appreciates tummy and thighs, thank you for coming to my TED talk
The sheer number of times I've had to tell young women "yeah that but sticking out is your uterus, it's supposed to be there. See? I have one too" and seen the sheer relief on their faces...
that's misinformation - well-intentioned but misinformation nonetheless. your uterus is tiny and much further back and doesn't cause your stomach to stick out. that is indeed fat. please note that I did not specify *excess* fat - women do naturally store fat there in part to *protect* things like the uterus. but it's not the uterus itself.
Right? It’s fucked up. The shame we are taught to feel about ourselves is so constant and so ingrained and I hate it so much.
There is actually a [condition ](https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/hourglass-syndrome)that is caused by someone constantly sucking in their stomach, I wonder how prevalent it is in young women.
Sucking in so much wrecked my abdominals. When I was pregnant you could see how short the muscles were so I had a weird little bump in my belly and I had never ending Braxton hicks. I’ve been working on it in PT for FIVE YEARS and still struggling to correct it and it is soooooooo uncomfortable. It’s like having someone pushing on you from the inside - there were times I couldn’t get a full breath in and I have so much stomach pain off and on. And I still have the belly lolol
I hope she dumps him soon, because Freudian excuse is no excuse for being emotionally abusive asshole to OOP
I met my husband when i was devorced with 3 yound kids and was a size 22. I got down to a size 12 now im at 16-18...He loves me at any weigh and , no matter if my depression/anxiety is good or bad he loves me for me! You are young and need to find a man who loves you for you not what you "could be" The way to fix this in a healthy way is to find someone better. Yes its scary but you will be better off.
The right guy will want you no matter your size. This guy is damaged.
This feels inconclusive, not completed...
Anyone else think this dipshit chose to pursue her specifically because she had an eating disorder?
This might just be the demi/ace in me, but I really don't understand how somebody can stop being attracted to their partner because of their physical appearance. Like, do these people even like their partners in general??
Attraction is different than liking someone. I can think of a few dramatic changes my partner could make that would be hard to deal with, though I'd certainly try. Or certain things that squick me out that are hard to deal with someone you're that close to. If I was no longer attracted to her, I'd certainly still think she was amazing and enjoy spending time with her and doing things with her. Just maybe not wanting to be her intimate partner.
I'm also demi, but it really does seem to me that so many people are in relationships not because they love the other person or even genuinely *like* them but just because they can tolerate them.
I’m fairly demi also I’ve realized and while I absolutely love my husband and find him attractive, I’ve also told him if he gets gauges in his ears I’m going to have issues. They just weird me out too much. I don’t like being able to see through the ear. He has pierced ears and wears earrings most of the time and I’m good with that. I just can’t do the large holes.
As a seemingly demi person as well, that sort of thought helped me understand the other perspective. I never really got how people stopped being attracted over weight, or a hair cut, or heck even gender transition. I got it, I accepted it, but I didn't *get it.* My partner has joked before about getting ridiculous horrible tattoos near their pubic region just to get a reaction out of me, and I joked back that it was fine if they never wanted to have sex again. In retrospect... yeah, it would turn me off to see a photorealistic dog face panting on their lower belly. For others it might be stretched ears, or face tattoos, or 65 piercings running up and down their cheeks. It kind of helped.
I think I need to imagine my partner as some Eldritch monster to get that feeling, but I think I understand now. Thank you, haha!
He’s more attracted to her when she’s unhealthily thin because she’s easier to control that way. Eating disorder = low self esteem = I can treat her like garbage and get away with it He would have pushed her back into active anorexia, I’d bet my entire savings account on it
This reminds me of another BORU or Am i the asshole where the husband wants to watch his partner on the scale daily until she loses the weight he wants her to shed and she is only eating 300 calories a day.
I’m thinking of the one where the guy kept complaining that his girl stank, had bad breath, etc. She went to doctors. She went to dentists. She showered twice a day. She used medical grade deodorants. Breath mints and perfume. All to find out that her butt-munch of a boyfriend was deliberately negging her so that she would feel grateful to be in a relationship with him and too insecure to find someone else.
I read that one recently, she dumped his ass, he got exactly what he was trying to prevent listening to his dad's abusive advice.
If a man EVER points at your body and criticizes it, I want you to say these exact words to him: You are not worthy of me, don’t ever contact me again.
Sad. Guys like this prey on women with insecurities. There was a guy in university two friends of mine dated. They both ended up with crippling eating disorders over the course of the relationship. His now wife can’t get pregnant because she lost her period due to low body fat. I’m happy this girl got out.
Getting real big “my fetish is girls with anorexia” vibes from the boyfriend.
No one can convince me that this guy isn’t an attempted murderer. I’m not saying I want someone to accidentally stab him, but if he ran into a knife 10 times, I wouldn’t be alarmed.
Some men just can't hold their arsenic.
I feel like this woman could lose roughly 180 pounds really fast by getting rid of a shitty boyfriend.
The weight she really needed to lose is whatever weight her POS partner weighs.
Love it when a second chance is actually the last chance
Ditch the guy and lose 200 lbs. instantly.
I know how she can lose 175lbs quick fast and in a hurry
Where does this man live, I just wanna talk.
Men try not to insult women challenge IMPOSSIBLE
This man KNOWS she has an ED. He is FULLY AWARE. And yet, he still makes comments on her body, alluding to her being "fat", knowing full damn well that's a huge trigger for people dealing with EDs. That isn't normal communication, that's continuing to treat her horribly and being an asshole
This woman doesn't need a boyfriend, she needs therapy to build some self confidence, her bf is scum.
Hope she leaves that sob, don't know why ppl stay with gross cheaters
Yeah, my bets on someone else has caught his eye and his mistreatment of the OOP is because her reality can't measure up to the infatuation right now. No one refuses to look their partner in the face during intimate moments unless they're thinking of someone else. It's not about the weight at all I think, that's just a consequence of him already being shitty. And we already know he was cheating and seeing other women early on because she mentioned they'd already gone through that.
The only weight she needs to lose is this toxic waste that she calls boyfriend.
I dated someone who did this, but in the opposite direction. I was quite round when we initially started dating, but lost quite a bit of weight (~60lbs @ 5'4") in about six months (I'm a big eater with a fast metabolism, I gain and lose fast even with small changes). He was very complimentary about my body when I was fatter, but started to denigrate me as *still too fat* after I lost the weight, despite having been quite enthusiastic about my body when I was much fatter. After a lot of pain and confusion it became painfully clear that he believed my fatness was what had initially put me "in his league" and he thought that after losing the weight I'd leave him. Which I finally did. Not because I had more "options" (I've been many sizes and shapes and never found that to be a primary factor) nor, I'm sorry to say, for being a rude insecure ass, but because his insecurity eventually made him physically abusive and a very good friend gave me the combined hug and stern lecture I desperately needed to clear my head.
The minute he said she still had a little to go and pointed at her belly my petty ass would have pointed at his pecker and told him he still needed to grow a few more inches.
The boyfriend knew exactly what he was doing. He triggered her on purpose to kept her off killer so he can be the "better one" in the relationship. Then he gaslighted her about it. I'm glad she dumped him.
I get why he was cheated on.
Please leave this man. There is someone out there who will love every roll you have and that is what you deserve.
Even if she gets back to whatever weight this asshole finds acceptable, it's not going to stay there forever. Being skinny for life is not a reasonable expectation, outside of certain genetics.
Can't say(I'd be banned) what she should say/do to a "partner" who says, "Good, you still have a little more to go”, but definitely she should permanently break up with him.
He is complete trash. Knowing someone has an eating disorder, and poking at them like that when they aren’t even overweight is straight up abuse.
I hope someone pointed out to OOP that her boyfriend is trying to break her down so he can control her. I kind of have a feeling that his ex either didn't cheat, she just left his sorry ass after realizing she could do better, or if she did cheat, it was with someone who made her feel like a human. Either way, his "trauma" might've actually been rage that his possession wasn't his anymore, so he went out and got a new one who let him treat her like crap from the get-go. I don't trust that guy's version of any event at all.
You can fix this in just a few minutes with hardly any effort. All you need to do is tell your boyfriend to get lost. He is trash. First it will be your weight, then your hair, then you makeup and friends.
She needs to tell him two things: STFU and GTFO.
he clearly wants her to backslide. so frustrating. i promise She’s doesnt need to drop any lbs except his dead weight
Shed the pounds immediately by dumping him, you’re lugging around dead weight by keeping him in your life. Leave him and free yourself.
So OOP knows her scumbag bf was banging other chicks the entire first *year* they were together, he belittles her and degrades her, and she wants to know if feeling bad makes *her* unreasonable?!? Goddamn. That piece of shit has done a *number* on her self esteem. She needed to dump him *years ago*. But to paraphrase an old saying: the *best* time to dump your shitty bf was two years ago. The *second* best time is **right now**.
She may be eating healthy but anorexia can also be diagnosed in someone without calorie restriction but with compulsive or excessive exercise. This still sounds super unhealthy.
So dude was cheating on her the whole first year they've been together and she didn't peace out? Sounds like anorexia isn't OOP's only self-destructive quality.
This man is a sh1t! The best way to get rid of the excess weight is to get rid of the boyfriend. He is being controlling and as someone who had an ED, you don't need that. As other commenters have said, look after yourself, seek therapy and find a new boyfriend who doesn't think that being anorexic is a good look.
How to fix this in a healthy way? You leave him.
I can definitely recommend about 180 pounds she should lose. He’s a pig.
You could always point out his fault...being a dick
Just reading the title the healthiest thing to do is to dump him
NTA. You were not overreacting, you were underreacting to every thing in your former relationship.
By ditching him
I was beyond horrified literally reading the way she was describing him. Thank god she left, he deserves to be single and I don't want to be banned so I won't say anything else. But yeah good for OP!
The only weight she needs to lose is him. What a dick.
I know a way you can rid yourself of 150+ pounds of deadweight in under an hour...
Ugh, having flashbacks to life with my ex who didn’t have a sex drive and when pressed admitted he didn’t find the size of my belly very appealing. Now I live with a man who I only need to look at for a bit longer than usual and it’s ON. That poor woman deserves someone who truly loves her.
Oh Thank god.
The bar is really in hell, huh? Also, she probably relapsed and is trying to convince herself she's doing alright.
Your BF is not obligated to be attracted to you or want to be in a relationship with you. He IS obligated to be a decent person and not insult you.
She’ll get extra healthy and loose weight but leaving that 150lb+ load of trash she’s dragging behind her by the roadside Not like unloading weight you don’t have to be responsible for carrying. Also helps you out sting gym. Nothing to drag you down or hold you back
BF was being a shitty partner when he told her she "had a way to go". That would be a shitty and demoralizing thing to say to anyone in that context. Saying it to someone you know is seriously struggling with an eating disorder is 1000x worse. I suspect that his treatment of her didn't actually get better, he got better at making her accept his mistreatment. That he didn't think this was a horrible thing to say shows how he feels about OOP as a partner and as a person. I'm so incredibly glad she chucked the guy and has a support system in place.
She would have gotten rid of a hell a lot of weight by dropping his sorry butt
Make me sad that OOP is still with this jerk.
NTA
You can lose an instant 160pounds by dumping tha cornball bf 👌♥️
Even if a loved one *dragged* a negative opinion out of me - because communication is critical, sure - you still have to do *aftercare*, and present the opinion in a soft way. If a part of your s.o. turns you off to this point, its an incompatibility and you either end the relationship or immediately find a workaround that leaves everyone comfortable. Calling a formerly (currently?) anorexic person fat is such a callous, careless, *damaging* thing to do...