Mach Jesus

Can you imagine the backsplash from something going that fast?

Well that depends which side hits the water, cause it's pretty aerodynamic in one direction, through that does imply she put some spin on it coming out so it's probably gonna be on the higher end of the possible scale there

Buttplug beyblades

Whole new meaning to let it rip

Y’all ever see that video of a guy rip the anal beads out a chicks ass like a bay blade before?

[This one?](https://old.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/euf91x/let_it_rip) EXTREMELY NSFW

Legit thought it was going to be fake. Thank you for adding to my can’t unsee that pile.

Aka your spank bank, we get it

To clarify for the cowardly: no gore happens here, just somebody pulling beads out all at once and some woman’s poor red ass. I have not listened to the audio proper though, so good luck buddy

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“Okay, one listen?” Yeah, probably. Absolutely not a feel-good moment, but not the worst anal prolapse possible. Wikipedia showed me one of those aquarium tube toys made of meat for my trouble. It’s probably a case where you can shove your ass back in your ass and call it a day, and not surgery-level bad. Worst case scenario, it falls under RACK (Risk-aware consensual kink, or “do your homework, *then* fuck around and find out”)

Yes

Her fucking asscheeks jiggle. Sweet tittyfucking christ, that was a lot to watch

😂😂😂😂😂

OMG....I CAN'T BREATHE!!!

I refuse.

https://www.reddit.com/r/Unexpected/comments/euf91x/let_it_rip/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf Just a head ups, it’s nsfw so please watch with consideration and volume low.

GOD DAMNIT!! You did warn us so the onus is on me, but fuck I don’t appreciate you making this available to me.

Ahh, the onus of anus. Always warn us, indeed Also, pretty sure that last sentence of yours is a r/rareinsult in some shape or form. Totally tickled my funny bones. ☠️

beyblade beyblade let it rip

Also is the toilet water blessed now?

It’s Holy Shit.

Depends on your definition but it's value certainly increases either way

No. It’s evaporated

I hope you enjoy(ed) your cake day! 🎂 You could listen to Cake, eat some cake, maybe use your bunny Sailor to draw a cake? There's no rule that says special celebrations can't go long! P.S. - It is 3/14 where I am and still shows you as currently Cake Day. So, party on! 🪅

Depends on your definition but it's value certainly increases either way

Spin? Is her colon rifled?

Other axis, more like turning like a thrown knife. Honestly Even more terrifying to consider

Hydrodynamic. Also, bungholedynamic.

Aerodynamic applies to any fluid in most cases

#**Bloop**

Hit the water so fast the backsplash was wine.

Mach jesus means it stayed on the waters surface.

Jesus walked on water, I don’t expect any splash backs.

Maybe she's not in the US and doesn't have a lake in her toilet

Holy shit that's fast

It's like an Apollo mission splashdown, I am sure.

Right? Like, holy shit?! 😂

Torpedo in the water

Neptune's kiss.

Parting the shit sea

It's Mach Jesus it's going to wal- moon walk on water.

A welcome comfort after such an ordeal.

Something like that will definitely cause toilet water to shoot up your corn hole, just beating your sphincter before it can shut. Good times.

holy water

Mach Jesus=2000 plus years late/slow?

I think that means it takes 3 days?

The "soon" part was "judgment day" not "resurrection". So that mf clockin ~~late~~ slow as hell by my watch

Well, mach means speed of sound, so it's the speed of sound × 3 days

Americans will literally use anything but the metric system

This is accurate. Bananas before 0.178 meters.

How does that compare to Godspeed?

Gotta ask John Glenn.

She must’ve nailed it

It is finished.

Is Mach Jesus faster or slower than mach fuck?

Im pretty sure an average person is faster than the speed of fucking. Jesus would be faster then.

Every word in that sentence is brand new in that order. This post is shitpost gold.

Ole' Enzo's ain't never seen anything move that fast.

MACH JESUS

I read that as Match Jesus and though she was at some Christian-Only dating event when it came out.

That's my rapper name. I'm stealing that.

Okay so..."Match Jesus", or "Mach Jesus" as a band name? Or...? Perhaps you meant "Mak Jesus"? Just wanna know so I may avoid potential legal trouble in the future...please and thank you in advance!

I'm just going to put a "Lil" at the beginning to avoid any legal issues lol

Jesus ain't got nothin to do with this

This is the kind of product endorsement I support

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Is your friend's name Mutt Pug?

I think he meant the toilet integrity.

For the toilet or the plug? Let me guess. Yes.

Prob just the toilet, sounds like a bad plug

Indeed

Thinly veiled advertisement for Everything Everywhere All At Once.

“My gold plated buttplug” has FOR SURE been said before. However, her saying “that bitch came out at Mach Jesus and didn’t manage to put a hairline fracture in my toilet” is hilarious.

Damn they should make a sub for when that happens.

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Capitalism moment You just know that we're approaching a seggs focused society

r/TheRealBrandNewSentence?

I like when the actual punchline isn't in the title.

Me too.

I appreciated it!

/r/BrandNewSentence

..... yes?

r/lostredditors

LMAO, so it's the right subreddit after all...

Ever heard someone say you couldn't waterboard this information out of them? You couldn't waterboard this information out of me.

That woman got famous on TikTok by telling stories of all the things she’s stuck up her ass over the years. I assure you that she’s not the least bit embarrassed by this story.

Imagine how famous I would be if it was my stories!

Step 1: be attractive. Step 2: charge people to witness anything you do.

There was once a time where a story such as this would be kept private or told to a few friends. Now it’s shared for everyone to see

God bless the internet. 🤣 I'm shedding tears over this post and the commentary.

Sounds like progress to me. The world needs to further lighten up.

I’m all for being open and honest, but I still believe there is a line about stuff you should run to social media with. But that’s just me obviously to each their own

It's who we are, I don't see the point in trying to pretend it's not. We're gross, we're vulgar, some of us like to shove things up our butt, and most of us would eventually get something stuck up there. It's the human condition baby, innocence is for suckers

To be fair, it's just a humblebrag about owning a gold buttplug, such as a member of the royal family or a Kardashian might.

*Welcome to the internet…*

I would share this. I have told every one of my friends and girlfriends about the time I headbutt a girl in the pussy. I accept and share how awkward and weird I have become.

I’ve been waterboarded. It will get anything out of you I fucking promise you that.

[удалено]

Imagine your grandparents *writing* this sentence.

It would be in cursive Edit: thank you for the award!

Your grandparents used to go to the doctor to get masturbated when they were anxious, I think they'll be okay.

…what?

https://embryo.asu.edu/pages/medical-vibrators-treatment-female-hysteria They used to jerk a lady off to calm her down. It’s science.

Wow… TIL

CALM DOWN

CLEARLY HYSTERICAL. ADMINISTER THE FUNK.

You need to calm down as well!

hey well don't get hysterical on me, seems like you might need to go get jerked off by a doctor

Definitely upgrading to a gold one

There is NOTHING wrong with plugging during the day in order to have more surface area for analingus with your husband later!!! I hate the stigma against it. I will admit, it does suck when I eat my morning spaghettios and I fear my gastrointestinal bloat will pop that bad boy out of my gallows like a bullet, but I hold it in despite the grundle spasms. Very relatable!!! 😄😄😄

Your profile concerns me

Is she... The CEO of spaghettios?

CEO of getting that ass eaten out, that's a given

actual lol, hahah

It appears to be a man.

What the fuck

Wow same

Yikes… I’m… intrigued… Edit: Nope nope nope

Is this AI...

10 yr account. This thing is self-aware by now.

… dad?

most people don't feign concern over comedy brilliance laid so bare

You talk pretty. That profile has me rolling

Ok I should’ve taken that as a warning. I would like to point out as a lifelong Ohioan, there is no Grundle, Ohio. We do not claim this sociopath! https://i.imgur.com/JSCyBP6.jpg

I’ve come across this person twice and every time i cannot tell if it’s a fetish or mental health issue

Extremely obviously a troll.

This is some serious commitment to trolling paragraphs of text several times a day on a single topic revolving around analingus, spagghettios and a husband. What does this person say when asked about their hobbies?

Nah they're fine, they just play disc golf

Noun. grundle (plural grundles) (US, slang) The perineum; the area between the anus and genitals. Edit: colloquially - gooch

Username checks out

Isn't that called the taint

I believe the modern term is Andrew Taint. /s

Solomon Grundle born from a trundle!

Your profile is a monument to the fact that there is no god

I almost forgot you exist and then I had to see this comment

I never even considered that being a reason to wear one around. Interesting

You just got yourself a dedicated tab right next to 100_Donuts. This is what I come to the internet for. I hope I can one day taste the umami of some perfectly room temperature spaghettios with some grundlemeat chunks, the way you get to experience it every day.

I thought this was r/AnarchyChess

The Gold-Plated Buttplug is quite a difficult strategy when playing white, especially if your opponent uses the Mach Jesus opening.

You couldn't bribe me to say this in a room of 5 people, much less the entirety of the fucking internet

I'd rather tell a story like this to a million anonymous strangers than 5 people I know.

Batman himself couldn't waterboard this type of a confession out of me and yet there are some people out there who cannot wait to tell the internet about every, single facet of their lives

Ceramic is incredibly hard, which is one of the main reasons it's used for toilets and sinks. You don't want a toilet that chips or scratches easily. However, once you reach a certain level of force it will shatter or crack catastrophically. I'd be worried about micro fractures if I shat a hard dildo into it. Luckily that's probably not going to happen as I don't own any dildos.

And gold is very soft. Good thing it wasn’t diamond-studded

oh and also, there's just not a world where you can't pull a butt plug out but you can shit it out, so it's not really a real concern.

Does that make her a human gun?

Assuming that mach Jesus is over mach 1. It might classify as cannon, depending on diameter of plug. I would like to see the calculations for this though.

Living up to the saying, "Shitting gold."

Golden dildos are as old as metalshaping, probably. I saw one in the jackass movie go up Bams ass

You’ve heard of Poseidon’s Kiss. Let me introduce you to Neptunes Colonoscopy.

She’s a keeper.

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Sammi! Sammi! You're breaking the car Sammi!

Now *this* is a crossover I wasn't expecting here.

My favorite brand new sentence nestled within this whole uncut gem of a tweet actually has to be “That bitch came out at Mach Jesus” hands down by a landslide hahaha

some people overshare way too much. legit say a post on Reddit a few days ago of someone explaining how their 13yo self got a plastic hook stuck up their ass

Super Bowl ads gonna need to up their game

Jesus wasn't exactly remembered for being particularly fast...?

Took him three goddamned days to show up to his own funeral.

https://i.redd.it/ysbhewlcrfna1.png Hmm...gold plated?

she's shitting gold ... that's a keeper

Not how any of that works.

White people problems, amirite? ☕️ Sips tea

I’m not really a prudish person, but sometimes I’m deeply concerned with the state of decency in the world.

This belongs in r/trashy

Some people really need to learn the concept of not sharing everything that happens to them.

How many mach's is jesus

*splash* *clink*

That woman got famous on TikTok by telling stories and all the things she’s stuck up her ass over the years. I assure you that she’s not the least bit embarrassed by this story.

**FINALLY!** A post worthy of all that social media firehose of utter nonsense.

Man no-one has any shame anymore huh

I wonder if it was American Standard. They make some toilets that could definitely withstand mach Jesus speeds.

Um. A plug without a flange preventing entering the anus is a serious health risk. Don't put anything without a distinct flange back up there unless you want to risk a hospital visit, including the lies you tell to the nurses they have heard a million times before, and them handling the next stupid fuck this day.

1. Why do you have a gold plated butt plug? That’s a waste of money. 2. How did it get stuck up there? It must have been a poorly-made one if it didn’t have a flared base to stop it.

Your second point is my only question. If your buttplug got stuck it is either a terrible plug or she needs to move to a bigger plug if she can swallow a flared base whole.

Whatever happened to diaries

>didn't even manage to put a hairline fracture in my toilet Was that the goal? Is this attempted toiletcide?

We should all know less about each other

Oh my!

I'm just disappointed she didn't practice good buttplug buying etiquette. No base, gone without a trace. Still funny though.

More like r/BrandNewParagraph because all three of those sentences are all brand new

For anyone wanting to research Sammii: [Twitter](https://twitter.com/Sammiithegreat)

Interesting that she draws the line at tailplugs.

Yeah why? Gonna publicly talk about things in your ass but a fake tail on the plug? Noooo

I thought she was going to say the gold wasn't there anymore.

I guess we know how she got her moniker now

Where’d she go to finishing school again?

She should have been wearing a gold plated diaper.

What the heck did I just read?

i think that’s enough reddit for today

the stories that kids are going to be reading about grandma gonna be wild

Nah, but biches be calling everything yellow and shiny golden

Butt why?