It’s crazy. I’m you 2 years older and made the same fucking mistake. I never thought I would see someone in my shoes that could relate to 1:1. It’s been 2 years and 4 months. I still think about her all the time and I miss our conversations. I wish I didn’t let my insecurities consume me and I wish I would have tried my absolute hardest.
Insecurities got the best of me too! That and immaturity on my end is what ruined it. Take it as a lesson learned and do better next time is all we can do. It’s unfortunate but it’s reality.
That’s something I’m thankful for is that I have been able to learn and grow from it. I just hate that she’s not the one who’s here to see that. No point in holding onto that, but I’m just happy I guess she doesn’t hate me in the long run.
Her family and I still talk , and she talks to my family. It’s been a nice feeling of cordiality.
if you’re a reader, a book that really helped me understand women is called “How to be a 3% man” . Helps see the signs of unhappiness and tells you what needs to happen when unhappiness occurs. It’s not perfect but read/listen to it a couple times, it’ll help!
13-14 months single after 8 years, she’s still the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I think about before I sleep. I hate it 😅
Man if I could’ve understood this last year. 2 months into a breakup with an amazing girl that wanted to be with me forever. She’s already with another guy and I’m he won’t make the mistakes I did
I sure hope my ex realizes that. He left me for the same reason as you OP. We were together for 9 years. I, like your ex, didn't ask for much and I would give my life for him. He said the same things as you, that I was special, he wanted a future with me and he truly loved me, but his insecurities got the better of him. And he left me to explore the bar scene, sleep around. But he is 31, so it sucks extra hard.
31 is wild that means he just never grew up, who he is as a person is solidified. I had a very similar experience where I gave him everything, but for me it was like 22-23 years old so I felt like he was probably just too immature, men don’t mature until like late 20’s I think. He had his realizations deep down and knew what was right, but never acted on it nor did he want to- too much work. I think what sucks is not even the age, it’s as you said you will hear the same words over and over about having a future, getting married, other promises, and feel that oh! he wants to actually commit to me, I do mean a lot, and all I gave wasn’t for nothing. Even though I ended it, I felt he wanted me to end it so he can live his “life”, and I never understood why I was this disposable to him.
What can I say, some partners can be shallower/more inconsiderate in thought than we anticipate, regardless of age. As much as people make it look easy to choosing the right partner, make sure your goals are aligned and all, it’s so hard when your heart is on the line, like you will make compromises in the name of love when it’s really you getting the short end of the stick. Makes me never wanna get in a relationship again unless someone manages to change my mind lol
You hit the nail on the head - he is truly really immature. We were together for 9 years, and when we started living together and things got real, he basically got overwhelmed and decided to dip and live his single life. And as you said, I feel disposab lebecause he had the choice of true love and partnership and all the things we shared over those 9 years and he just gave them all up. I know it says more about him than me, but I can't help but feel like I didn't matter.
The promises they make are so selfish in the end, because they are truly inconsiderate of our feelings and what their empty promises entail for us.
I had a very vivid dream about being intimate (like I was inside her and we were looking into each others eyes) with my ex and we broke up just over 2 years ago. I wish I didn't have that dream.
Man the dreams are the worst. I don’t even think of my past relationship and I’m glad I’m not in it anymore but then a I have a dream that destroys me. That’s why I’m lurking this sub. Fucking hate dreams. It’s torturous sometimes lol. I hope we stop having them, especially the vivid ones
I understand you completely. We've been apart for a little over a year and I still think about him all the time.
I always repeat, humans are not robots, we have emotions.
If you really love someone, you will love them regardless of all the pain.
You learn to live without that person and that is the biggest challenge.
I put my girl on a pedestal and she left me because there are other, better options for her out there… if it was up to me I never would have let her go because I just loved her so, so much.
Always a good idea to really be sure of what you have before you lose it but a relationship is a two-way street.
I don’t want anyone to think that they need to give and give and give to keep a good woman.
A relationship should be a stable, secure and comforting presence of all parties. Largely, having them in your life should make your life easier. If you find yourself needing to invest all of your free time meeting their every whim, you’ll burn out before you know it.
Absolutely a two way street and she was absolutely putting in more effort than I was, hindsight is 20/20 I didn’t really realize all of the things I *wasn’t* doing which could have easily saved that relationship until it was too late. She was my first gf so I really had no idea what I was doing wrong, after the breakup, learning how women think through books and women close to me, I realized I was in the wrong the whole time. Lesson learned, next girl will have the best version of me.
True — if she was communicating to you all of the things she needed and you completely refused then yeah that’s on you.
Do some self-reflection as to why you refused to do what she wanted.
Please be mindful that you are not romanticizing this relationship. It’s hard to move on when we are in the pink cloud. I promise that there is someone out there who will make you happy. I know it’s hard to see through this and you are fixated on your past partner, but there is a huge world full of cool and interesting people. Don’t wallow in your 20’s. If it’s that hard id reach out to your ex and have a convo. Then you will have an answer.
OP has what is called breakup limerence:
>*Can breakup cause limerence? Limerence is an intense emotional state characterized by intrusive thoughts, feelings of euphoria, and an obsessive need for reciprocation of one's feelings. It can be experienced after a breakup because it is a form of intense attachment that can be difficult to let go of.*
>*How do you beat limerence after a break up? Turn that love towards yourself as a way to heal your past wounds and insecurity and overcome limerence. Learn how to be there for yourself, how to spend time with yourself, and how to be kind to yourself – in other words, be your own best friend.*
Do you think you are just one of these people who always see think the grass is greener on the other side? Right now not in a relationship it is better out of one and once you get back into one you will feel the way you did before?
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you still think about her. It must be really hard for you to deal with those thoughts and feelings. You seem to have a very good understanding of the little things that keep women happy, and I think you'll find someone who appreciates all the efforts you put into making them happy.
I don't get wtf did I just read , I miss my ex gf very dearly but you guys kinda make me sad. Nobody should be put on pedestal and if people break up it's almost never because of one person. Did I do things wrong, yeah sure. Did she, definitely. Sometimes things don't work out and that's ok. Take responsibility for the consequences of your own actions and learn to live with it.
It’s been seven years for me. Haven’t dated anybody else. Still hoping for her to breakup with that asshole and respark things with me. It seems less likely every year that passes but I still hold onto hope 😔
Hate to say it, but she’s not coming back if it’s been seven years.
I’d say if it had been maybe 2yrs? Sure, still a possibility as that’s a more honest window for an ex to explore, figure out if they made the right choice or not. Some folks need time to figure things out much longer than others.
But 7yrs? Thats 3yrs short of a decade, 10yrs!
People tend to change SO much by this point that the version you have of them frozen in time in your memory will NOT match the present reality of who that person you use to know.
Too much time has passed for an ex to come back.
At this point, you have what is called breakup Limerence and it’s why you are holding out this long for something that’s never going to happen.
>*Can breakup cause limerence? Limerence is an intense emotional state characterized by intrusive thoughts, feelings of euphoria, and an obsessive need for reciprocation of one's feelings. It can be experienced after a breakup because it is a form of intense attachment that can be difficult to let go of.*
>*How do you beat limerence after a break up? Turn that love towards yourself as a way to heal your past wounds and insecurity and overcome limerence. Learn how to be there for yourself, how to spend time with yourself, and how to be kind to yourself – in other words, be your own best friend.*
Why not just approach her and say hey? Worst case, she’s offish and getting married; best case she feels the same way you do and in 50 years it’s the world’s best story.
It's been 4 years for me and I still think about that ex. I know he's with another girl now though so I can't reach out. But I hope one day he does reach out...
I feel so reliefed I finally see someone in the same boat as me. I made the same mistake man, broke up with my first love (17-20) almost 4 years ago now and have been thinking about it all since then. She is getting married next year or so, and I can't feel anything else but defeat - that I did not contact her, did not save the relationship when I could, did not treat her as I should have. Worst thing is I had a 2 year relationship since then, and it fell apart because I never felt invested in "us". Shit, not even sure why I typed all that, but it feels good to finally share it with someone.
You lost me at $50 limit. If you been together long enough, there really is no limit on how much you’d spend on a girl (if you have enough to have a gf). I wouldn’t even give her a limit…. You can either afford to have a good woman or do absolutely nothing for her and feed her just words. Im a firm believer in the old sayings, “actions speak louder than words” and “words are cheap”.
Im a girl who accepted the bare minimum in some of my past relationships. I didn’t “ask for much”. I recall my most laughable relationship I was ever in, I ended up being in a relationship where I was basically paying for everything, went out of my way to see him (1 hr drives by car and eventually bus), partner was broke, never tried to come to my house, he was depressed and he didn’t do anything, not even like a big bear hug, or massage if I did a bunch of stuff just sex and a thank you, maybe cuddling. Sweet guy, super funny but he was so heavily invested in his own issues that he didn’t have much room for me emotionally.
Before him I’ve had bfs where they wanted to pay for everything when they made well enough even in their early 20’s. They didn’t question how much something was. Whenever I tried to buy something myself or for them, they’d end up paying. Even guys I wasn’t with, literally guy friends. Once in a while I’ll pay for something small but I know that people would just offer bc they liked being around me, and me being able to make someone laugh a lot or cheer them up was payment enough. I’m not going to let go of that standard ever again.
Have you tried reaching out to her?
not saying $50 limit all the time, that’s a just a very small thing that could go a long way. And no, i have no intention on reaching out, life goes on. You live and your learn
It’s crazy. I’m you 2 years older and made the same fucking mistake. I never thought I would see someone in my shoes that could relate to 1:1. It’s been 2 years and 4 months. I still think about her all the time and I miss our conversations. I wish I didn’t let my insecurities consume me and I wish I would have tried my absolute hardest.
Insecurities got the best of me too! That and immaturity on my end is what ruined it. Take it as a lesson learned and do better next time is all we can do. It’s unfortunate but it’s reality.
That’s something I’m thankful for is that I have been able to learn and grow from it. I just hate that she’s not the one who’s here to see that. No point in holding onto that, but I’m just happy I guess she doesn’t hate me in the long run. Her family and I still talk , and she talks to my family. It’s been a nice feeling of cordiality.
I wish I had read this a year ago when I still could have done something to save the relationship.
if you’re a reader, a book that really helped me understand women is called “How to be a 3% man” . Helps see the signs of unhappiness and tells you what needs to happen when unhappiness occurs. It’s not perfect but read/listen to it a couple times, it’ll help!
Thank you, I appreciate it!
13-14 months single after 8 years, she’s still the first person I think about in the morning and the last person I think about before I sleep. I hate it 😅
Man if I could’ve understood this last year. 2 months into a breakup with an amazing girl that wanted to be with me forever. She’s already with another guy and I’m he won’t make the mistakes I did
I’m in this exact situation. One month out and she’s with another man. She was an amazing girl and I should have given her the world
As the best to you man! Hopefully one day we cross paths again with our exes
For now all we can do is work on becoming our best selves
I sure hope my ex realizes that. He left me for the same reason as you OP. We were together for 9 years. I, like your ex, didn't ask for much and I would give my life for him. He said the same things as you, that I was special, he wanted a future with me and he truly loved me, but his insecurities got the better of him. And he left me to explore the bar scene, sleep around. But he is 31, so it sucks extra hard.
31 is wild that means he just never grew up, who he is as a person is solidified. I had a very similar experience where I gave him everything, but for me it was like 22-23 years old so I felt like he was probably just too immature, men don’t mature until like late 20’s I think. He had his realizations deep down and knew what was right, but never acted on it nor did he want to- too much work. I think what sucks is not even the age, it’s as you said you will hear the same words over and over about having a future, getting married, other promises, and feel that oh! he wants to actually commit to me, I do mean a lot, and all I gave wasn’t for nothing. Even though I ended it, I felt he wanted me to end it so he can live his “life”, and I never understood why I was this disposable to him. What can I say, some partners can be shallower/more inconsiderate in thought than we anticipate, regardless of age. As much as people make it look easy to choosing the right partner, make sure your goals are aligned and all, it’s so hard when your heart is on the line, like you will make compromises in the name of love when it’s really you getting the short end of the stick. Makes me never wanna get in a relationship again unless someone manages to change my mind lol
You hit the nail on the head - he is truly really immature. We were together for 9 years, and when we started living together and things got real, he basically got overwhelmed and decided to dip and live his single life. And as you said, I feel disposab lebecause he had the choice of true love and partnership and all the things we shared over those 9 years and he just gave them all up. I know it says more about him than me, but I can't help but feel like I didn't matter. The promises they make are so selfish in the end, because they are truly inconsiderate of our feelings and what their empty promises entail for us.
I assume you left her. When did you start regretting it?
Nope, she left me. Rightfully so
I had a very vivid dream about being intimate (like I was inside her and we were looking into each others eyes) with my ex and we broke up just over 2 years ago. I wish I didn't have that dream.
Man the dreams are the worst. I don’t even think of my past relationship and I’m glad I’m not in it anymore but then a I have a dream that destroys me. That’s why I’m lurking this sub. Fucking hate dreams. It’s torturous sometimes lol. I hope we stop having them, especially the vivid ones
I understand you completely. We've been apart for a little over a year and I still think about him all the time. I always repeat, humans are not robots, we have emotions. If you really love someone, you will love them regardless of all the pain. You learn to live without that person and that is the biggest challenge.
I put my girl on a pedestal and she left me because there are other, better options for her out there… if it was up to me I never would have let her go because I just loved her so, so much.
Always a good idea to really be sure of what you have before you lose it but a relationship is a two-way street. I don’t want anyone to think that they need to give and give and give to keep a good woman. A relationship should be a stable, secure and comforting presence of all parties. Largely, having them in your life should make your life easier. If you find yourself needing to invest all of your free time meeting their every whim, you’ll burn out before you know it.
Absolutely a two way street and she was absolutely putting in more effort than I was, hindsight is 20/20 I didn’t really realize all of the things I *wasn’t* doing which could have easily saved that relationship until it was too late. She was my first gf so I really had no idea what I was doing wrong, after the breakup, learning how women think through books and women close to me, I realized I was in the wrong the whole time. Lesson learned, next girl will have the best version of me.
True — if she was communicating to you all of the things she needed and you completely refused then yeah that’s on you. Do some self-reflection as to why you refused to do what she wanted.
Please be mindful that you are not romanticizing this relationship. It’s hard to move on when we are in the pink cloud. I promise that there is someone out there who will make you happy. I know it’s hard to see through this and you are fixated on your past partner, but there is a huge world full of cool and interesting people. Don’t wallow in your 20’s. If it’s that hard id reach out to your ex and have a convo. Then you will have an answer.
OP has what is called breakup limerence: >*Can breakup cause limerence? Limerence is an intense emotional state characterized by intrusive thoughts, feelings of euphoria, and an obsessive need for reciprocation of one's feelings. It can be experienced after a breakup because it is a form of intense attachment that can be difficult to let go of.* >*How do you beat limerence after a break up? Turn that love towards yourself as a way to heal your past wounds and insecurity and overcome limerence. Learn how to be there for yourself, how to spend time with yourself, and how to be kind to yourself – in other words, be your own best friend.*
I was thinking Limerence as well. Thank you for including the explanation!
yeah and go to therapy as well (if it’s an option, if not, daily self reflection and active work on yourself)
Dude, it's been 26 years, and I'm happily moved on and married. I still think about her sometimes.
This
Do you think you are just one of these people who always see think the grass is greener on the other side? Right now not in a relationship it is better out of one and once you get back into one you will feel the way you did before?
Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that you still think about her. It must be really hard for you to deal with those thoughts and feelings. You seem to have a very good understanding of the little things that keep women happy, and I think you'll find someone who appreciates all the efforts you put into making them happy.
I don't get wtf did I just read , I miss my ex gf very dearly but you guys kinda make me sad. Nobody should be put on pedestal and if people break up it's almost never because of one person. Did I do things wrong, yeah sure. Did she, definitely. Sometimes things don't work out and that's ok. Take responsibility for the consequences of your own actions and learn to live with it.
It’s been seven years for me. Haven’t dated anybody else. Still hoping for her to breakup with that asshole and respark things with me. It seems less likely every year that passes but I still hold onto hope 😔
Hate to say it, but she’s not coming back if it’s been seven years. I’d say if it had been maybe 2yrs? Sure, still a possibility as that’s a more honest window for an ex to explore, figure out if they made the right choice or not. Some folks need time to figure things out much longer than others. But 7yrs? Thats 3yrs short of a decade, 10yrs! People tend to change SO much by this point that the version you have of them frozen in time in your memory will NOT match the present reality of who that person you use to know. Too much time has passed for an ex to come back. At this point, you have what is called breakup Limerence and it’s why you are holding out this long for something that’s never going to happen. >*Can breakup cause limerence? Limerence is an intense emotional state characterized by intrusive thoughts, feelings of euphoria, and an obsessive need for reciprocation of one's feelings. It can be experienced after a breakup because it is a form of intense attachment that can be difficult to let go of.* >*How do you beat limerence after a break up? Turn that love towards yourself as a way to heal your past wounds and insecurity and overcome limerence. Learn how to be there for yourself, how to spend time with yourself, and how to be kind to yourself – in other words, be your own best friend.*
Why not just approach her and say hey? Worst case, she’s offish and getting married; best case she feels the same way you do and in 50 years it’s the world’s best story.
That’s hard man you live and learn
It's been 4 years for me and I still think about that ex. I know he's with another girl now though so I can't reach out. But I hope one day he does reach out...
I feel so reliefed I finally see someone in the same boat as me. I made the same mistake man, broke up with my first love (17-20) almost 4 years ago now and have been thinking about it all since then. She is getting married next year or so, and I can't feel anything else but defeat - that I did not contact her, did not save the relationship when I could, did not treat her as I should have. Worst thing is I had a 2 year relationship since then, and it fell apart because I never felt invested in "us". Shit, not even sure why I typed all that, but it feels good to finally share it with someone.
You lost me at $50 limit. If you been together long enough, there really is no limit on how much you’d spend on a girl (if you have enough to have a gf). I wouldn’t even give her a limit…. You can either afford to have a good woman or do absolutely nothing for her and feed her just words. Im a firm believer in the old sayings, “actions speak louder than words” and “words are cheap”. Im a girl who accepted the bare minimum in some of my past relationships. I didn’t “ask for much”. I recall my most laughable relationship I was ever in, I ended up being in a relationship where I was basically paying for everything, went out of my way to see him (1 hr drives by car and eventually bus), partner was broke, never tried to come to my house, he was depressed and he didn’t do anything, not even like a big bear hug, or massage if I did a bunch of stuff just sex and a thank you, maybe cuddling. Sweet guy, super funny but he was so heavily invested in his own issues that he didn’t have much room for me emotionally. Before him I’ve had bfs where they wanted to pay for everything when they made well enough even in their early 20’s. They didn’t question how much something was. Whenever I tried to buy something myself or for them, they’d end up paying. Even guys I wasn’t with, literally guy friends. Once in a while I’ll pay for something small but I know that people would just offer bc they liked being around me, and me being able to make someone laugh a lot or cheer them up was payment enough. I’m not going to let go of that standard ever again. Have you tried reaching out to her?
not saying $50 limit all the time, that’s a just a very small thing that could go a long way. And no, i have no intention on reaching out, life goes on. You live and your learn