Nothing you say or do will change the way they currently feel. It has to be something they realize on their own. Give them what they’ve asked for - give them the break up and space. If space doesn’t make them miss you they would have never came back/stayed anyways.
This! It’s a difficult pill to swallow when it’s been 4 weeks since the BU (and NC) and I haven’t heard a single thing. But I just remind myself that I deserve someone who misses me and values what we had.
I love your insight.
It’s so hard to accept and come to terms with it. Especially someone that you cared for and knew for so long (6 years). But at the end of the day..you can’t change someone’s course or destiny. I unfortunately tried to do that. Was over bearing and aggressive in my pursuit when I tried to reconnect. She ultimately determined that she didn’t want to be a part of it. It hurts and it hurts like hell. But you can’t force them. It just adds more regrets and hurt when you do force them and they don’t respond in kind. You regret that the relationship ended the way it did because of your doing
Ultimately, you have to let them go and wish the best for them!
Just to add my two cents I’m 4 weeks into my breakup and also on dating apps. I 100% still am not ready to date nor do I want to, I’m just low key bored/lonely and use the hook ups to distract myself. My ex didn’t want anything serious after 3 years of dating and wanted to live the “college life” style (at 25 years old mind you we are out of college, but she always lived at home. She was desperate to find a room mate and move out of her parents house who paid for all her shit and didn’t tell her anything since she’s an adult, but that’s a different story) so I’m on dating apps just to fuck and help me move on. Is it shitty and a bad way to cope? Probably, but it’s just trying to move on and not looking for anything serious. I’m sure you meant a lot to your ex and she still thinks of you, but it’s probably easier to just let her go and find someone that values you. There’s so many girls out there man
Good for you man, I’m 4 weeks in and it’s slowly getting better. Don’t dream about her every day anymore and am focusing more on my career and masters degree. I have slot more time to just figure out what I want to do and I’ve met some new girls. Like I said I’m not interested in dating, but it’s nice to see there’s so many people out there. She blocked me on everything as well, but I prefer it that way. I’m not interested in being friends with someone who disrespected me and didn’t value what we had. Ironically I got her a job in the company I work at, she wouldn’t even of been able to move out if it wasn’t for me 💀 she had been applying for 8 months and hadn’t landed anything until I pulled some strings. Oh well it’ll be a valuable lesson to me not to be as nice next time. Good luck on your journey bro hope you find a baddie 👌🏻
I also feel like it’s because you shouldn’t have to chase for something as simple as love and respect. If someone truly loved & respected you, they would show you that in their own way, in their own time. They can’t be forced to, so you shouldn’t try to force them to
Yes, but also someone who truly loves you will show it and won’t make you chase and beg for it. If they do, you’re more likely just a transactional validation to their ego, not someone they genuinely value, and they’ll drop you when bored or something better comes along.
It’s about self respect, recognizing your worth, and chosing to be with others who recognize your worth as well.
If it comes, let it.
If it goes, let it.
For me, this has allowed me to let go of controlling behavior and avoid being in denial. I prefer it over the conventional "fight for true love" kind of messaging, because sometimes, the only way you can really show your loved one that you care about them is to let them go when they want to leave. Sometimes, it really is a "it's not you, it's me" problem.
I have been reminding myself that love is not possession of ownership, it’s allowing someone to be who and what they are meant and wanting the best for them regardless of the outcome. I will let them go and if they return, it means they realized what we had was really something special. And if they find “better”, so be it.
Well said, despite all the negative feelings I've felt for my ex all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and I hope she's out there finding out how to do it. I'm nearly 5 months in to my BU, and I'm doing...way better than I ever expected to at this point. I've been making slow steady progress and my feelings are way less overwhelming now. While I'm sad for her to leave my life, it truly feels good to let go and just live for myself.
No amount of love you have for them can make them love you. No amount of you wanting to be with them or talk to them can make them want that with you.
Heart breaking, trust me I know.
You can give love and receive love from people everywhere. But learning sometimes people enter your life to teach you something about yourself even if their temporary is an extremely humbling thing.
Two things.
"The basis of all neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering." and "The evil isn't the shadow. It's the shadow denied."
(This next one is from the codependents anonymous book where a man wrote his story of recovery. So this is the context of it.)
"I learned something that sums it up for me: They went to Michelangelo when he finished the statue of David and asked, 'How did you do that?' Michelangelo replies, 'Well, I took a block of granite, these chisels and a hammer and chipped away everything that didn't look like David, and that's what I got.
Today I believe, with myself as a willing block of granite-The 12 step programs, the people in the programs as the tools and god as the master sculptor- that he's chipping away everything that doesn't look like Chuck. So far, this is what he's got."
Both are solid but love that second one! A good reminder that life is a journey and that means we need change certain things along the way that don’t fit in our journey.
"A person can be the best piano player in the world, but if your ex was looking to hire a violinist, it's just not going to work."
It's not a reflection of your worth nor your attractiveness.
You just weren't the violinist.
“Find someone who sees you” - my grandma
You gotta find someone who sees YOU. Who you are as a person, who you are on your bad days, when you’re at a horrible place in life, the broken and sad you, the happy and carefree you, someone who has seen the vulnerable and sensitive side of you, someone who has truly experience YOU. Don’t ever settle on someone who does not look beyond the physical experience.
“If they want to be with you, they’ll find a way”
Too many complacent men (and I’m sure women too) have wasted my time and made me feel like I needed to put in so much effort. It’s draining and they live off of leeching all your energy. If it’s feeling one-sided, stop doing your side of things and see how quickly they vanish.
don’t worry about getting over it, focus on getting through it. this really helped me in the first couple of weeks post-BU and it took the focus off of the relationship and put it onto what i needed to do for myself to feel a little better
They are the reason I broke it off and I knew when it started that I would struggle with them but I thought he'd be just a side thing. I fell in love and now there's nothing that I wouldn't give to have him and those red flags back!
Even i want to but her red flags are relationship destroyers. She was very bad at handling stress and never shared what she was going through. Moreover, She never realized what she was doing/saying when she was stressed and used to say fucked up stuff to me when she was stressed. Once out of the blue she fought for not asking her how she is.
Day we broke up she just said things and did stuff which made me lose all her respect and trust and I just can't get it out of my head.
If the person you’re with has to choose between you and they’re ex, they’ve already made a choice. They’ve chosen their ex in your relationship with them and it’s high time you leave.
Your last paragraph really sums it up, for me anyways. This lingering hope, this "maybe we'll stumble into each other outside", this "I'll post something that I know will interest her, so that the thought of me pops into her head and she may contact me again"... it's all bogus. If a post of yours moves her to contact you, if she doesn't think about you on her own, what's even the point?
Thanks for your honesty. Although your relationship was short term, I don’t think it matters the length of the relationship to show how committed you were. For me, I was in a 5 year relationship when she decided to move on. It broke me to where I was having dark thoughts, especially suicidal thoughts. It made more realize how fragile I was and who I really put my identity in. When she left and because my identity was in her, I did the same thing. Looking at her social media to see what she was up to. She ended up blocking me in all of it and I still tried to contact her via email. After sending several without any response. I stopped. I thought I was going to go crazy and I prolly was a little. But after multiple counseling sessions, I’m finally not in a severe place as I was.
I still have my moments. I still wonder why she gave up. I still wonder how she could just drop me like I never existed in her life. It feels like those years never happened. My memory has been shot and all I have left are some old old pictures. I deleted most of them but there are still some hanging around.
I also have multiple regrets and mistakes that I wish I could change. Those were really the ones that drove me down into the dark spots. But this is my quote that’s helped me during this difficult time
“You did what you did with the experience and knowledge you had at the time”
No matter how bad you want to go back to those movements and change them. You can’t. It’s been to learn from them.
If you loved the wrong person that much think of how you can love the right person. Or something along those lines. I heard it in a YouTube breakup video!
I was watching Matthew Hussey's video today morning where he said emotions change. It sucks to be in this position but I'm hoping tomorrow would be better than today
I heard someone once say "you'll be alright in the end, and if you aren't alright right now, that's okay, because you just aren't at the end of it yet"
‘This too shall pass’ simple but so effective, and has totally changed my life. Went through the most awful breakup and was totally consumed by it, but now I think there are good days and bad days and everything just passes
Wallow for 2 weeks. Talk to your therapist. Then go out. Go out of your way to help others. Go to the cinema. Join a club. Do something. Anything. But don't regress. You Broke up for a reason.
Whoever does it once will most likely do it twice and whoever does it twice will definitely do it a third time.
This is something my mother told me a long time ago and I didn't fully understand the meaning of it until after my last relationship.
I hate that cliche lol, leaves one person hanging on for breadcrumbs while the other who says it (usually the dumper) moves onto their next target
In fact my ex saying this triggered me to go full block / NC there and then. Probably did me a favour in terms of the recovery process...
The one that stuck in my head is that when she had 100% of me it wasn’t enough so why would I give her any of me when she was so quick to throw it away and run to the arms of another guy? She doesn’t miss me so I quit checking her socials, if she comes back what would the point be? Why fight for someone who won’t even put in the minimum effort?
Delete all their contact info and block them on everything. Completely prevent yourself from seeing what they are up to in anyway. Made alllll the difference.
“You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”
“If it smells like fish it’s a delightful dish …. If it smells like cologne leave it alone”
“Eatin ain’t cheatin and blowjobs don’t count”
Nothing you say or do will change the way they currently feel. It has to be something they realize on their own. Give them what they’ve asked for - give them the break up and space. If space doesn’t make them miss you they would have never came back/stayed anyways.
This! It’s a difficult pill to swallow when it’s been 4 weeks since the BU (and NC) and I haven’t heard a single thing. But I just remind myself that I deserve someone who misses me and values what we had.
Yup, it will get easier, keep that in mind and let time heal.
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I love your insight. It’s so hard to accept and come to terms with it. Especially someone that you cared for and knew for so long (6 years). But at the end of the day..you can’t change someone’s course or destiny. I unfortunately tried to do that. Was over bearing and aggressive in my pursuit when I tried to reconnect. She ultimately determined that she didn’t want to be a part of it. It hurts and it hurts like hell. But you can’t force them. It just adds more regrets and hurt when you do force them and they don’t respond in kind. You regret that the relationship ended the way it did because of your doing Ultimately, you have to let them go and wish the best for them!
Just to add my two cents I’m 4 weeks into my breakup and also on dating apps. I 100% still am not ready to date nor do I want to, I’m just low key bored/lonely and use the hook ups to distract myself. My ex didn’t want anything serious after 3 years of dating and wanted to live the “college life” style (at 25 years old mind you we are out of college, but she always lived at home. She was desperate to find a room mate and move out of her parents house who paid for all her shit and didn’t tell her anything since she’s an adult, but that’s a different story) so I’m on dating apps just to fuck and help me move on. Is it shitty and a bad way to cope? Probably, but it’s just trying to move on and not looking for anything serious. I’m sure you meant a lot to your ex and she still thinks of you, but it’s probably easier to just let her go and find someone that values you. There’s so many girls out there man
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Good for you man, I’m 4 weeks in and it’s slowly getting better. Don’t dream about her every day anymore and am focusing more on my career and masters degree. I have slot more time to just figure out what I want to do and I’ve met some new girls. Like I said I’m not interested in dating, but it’s nice to see there’s so many people out there. She blocked me on everything as well, but I prefer it that way. I’m not interested in being friends with someone who disrespected me and didn’t value what we had. Ironically I got her a job in the company I work at, she wouldn’t even of been able to move out if it wasn’t for me 💀 she had been applying for 8 months and hadn’t landed anything until I pulled some strings. Oh well it’ll be a valuable lesson to me not to be as nice next time. Good luck on your journey bro hope you find a baddie 👌🏻
This needs to be top comment, it’s such a solid piece of knowledge/advice
I'm really glad I ran into this quote. Thank you
Definitely needed to see this
Major advice right here. These things are just out of your control. I have to tell myself it everyday
Haha!! OK, I've got one for you.... Get drunk, get laid, get over it..
Factsss.
Ouchie. Truth hurts
If you go chasing respect and love from people is when you truly lose yourself.
Yes because chasing respect and love means you have to let go of some of your boundaries.. right? at least thats how i understand it.
I also feel like it’s because you shouldn’t have to chase for something as simple as love and respect. If someone truly loved & respected you, they would show you that in their own way, in their own time. They can’t be forced to, so you shouldn’t try to force them to
Yes, but also someone who truly loves you will show it and won’t make you chase and beg for it. If they do, you’re more likely just a transactional validation to their ego, not someone they genuinely value, and they’ll drop you when bored or something better comes along. It’s about self respect, recognizing your worth, and chosing to be with others who recognize your worth as well.
beautifully put. thank you for that.
If it comes, let it. If it goes, let it. For me, this has allowed me to let go of controlling behavior and avoid being in denial. I prefer it over the conventional "fight for true love" kind of messaging, because sometimes, the only way you can really show your loved one that you care about them is to let them go when they want to leave. Sometimes, it really is a "it's not you, it's me" problem.
I have been reminding myself that love is not possession of ownership, it’s allowing someone to be who and what they are meant and wanting the best for them regardless of the outcome. I will let them go and if they return, it means they realized what we had was really something special. And if they find “better”, so be it.
Well said, despite all the negative feelings I've felt for my ex all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, and I hope she's out there finding out how to do it. I'm nearly 5 months in to my BU, and I'm doing...way better than I ever expected to at this point. I've been making slow steady progress and my feelings are way less overwhelming now. While I'm sad for her to leave my life, it truly feels good to let go and just live for myself.
I’m very proud of you - realizing all of that isn’t easy
No amount of love you have for them can make them love you. No amount of you wanting to be with them or talk to them can make them want that with you. Heart breaking, trust me I know.
This cuts deep, but I know it's true.
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That's how you end up with abusive relationships.
That this time and this feeling won’t last forever. Whatever’s meant to happen for your highest good will happen. 💓
“If they wanted too they would” Gets me through life
Appreciate this one
Constantly repeating this one to myself when I get upset about the reason (at least the reason my ex told me) for my BU.
You can give love and receive love from people everywhere. But learning sometimes people enter your life to teach you something about yourself even if their temporary is an extremely humbling thing.
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Thank you, I needed this
Two things. "The basis of all neurosis is the avoidance of legitimate suffering." and "The evil isn't the shadow. It's the shadow denied." (This next one is from the codependents anonymous book where a man wrote his story of recovery. So this is the context of it.) "I learned something that sums it up for me: They went to Michelangelo when he finished the statue of David and asked, 'How did you do that?' Michelangelo replies, 'Well, I took a block of granite, these chisels and a hammer and chipped away everything that didn't look like David, and that's what I got. Today I believe, with myself as a willing block of granite-The 12 step programs, the people in the programs as the tools and god as the master sculptor- that he's chipping away everything that doesn't look like Chuck. So far, this is what he's got."
Both are solid but love that second one! A good reminder that life is a journey and that means we need change certain things along the way that don’t fit in our journey.
Sometimes two people are good but not good for each other.
"A person can be the best piano player in the world, but if your ex was looking to hire a violinist, it's just not going to work." It's not a reflection of your worth nor your attractiveness. You just weren't the violinist.
“Find someone who sees you” - my grandma You gotta find someone who sees YOU. Who you are as a person, who you are on your bad days, when you’re at a horrible place in life, the broken and sad you, the happy and carefree you, someone who has seen the vulnerable and sensitive side of you, someone who has truly experience YOU. Don’t ever settle on someone who does not look beyond the physical experience.
“If they want to be with you, they’ll find a way” Too many complacent men (and I’m sure women too) have wasted my time and made me feel like I needed to put in so much effort. It’s draining and they live off of leeching all your energy. If it’s feeling one-sided, stop doing your side of things and see how quickly they vanish.
don’t worry about getting over it, focus on getting through it. this really helped me in the first couple of weeks post-BU and it took the focus off of the relationship and put it onto what i needed to do for myself to feel a little better
Only choose people who choose you.
If you pee in your dreams you pee in real life
Why do I love this so much lol
So its literally a dream coming true
So true lol
Can confirm
Red flags and things that we ignore in the beginning of the relationship, might be the reason for your break up
They are the reason I broke it off and I knew when it started that I would struggle with them but I thought he'd be just a side thing. I fell in love and now there's nothing that I wouldn't give to have him and those red flags back!
Even i want to but her red flags are relationship destroyers. She was very bad at handling stress and never shared what she was going through. Moreover, She never realized what she was doing/saying when she was stressed and used to say fucked up stuff to me when she was stressed. Once out of the blue she fought for not asking her how she is. Day we broke up she just said things and did stuff which made me lose all her respect and trust and I just can't get it out of my head.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never meant to be.
If the person you’re with has to choose between you and they’re ex, they’ve already made a choice. They’ve chosen their ex in your relationship with them and it’s high time you leave.
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Your last paragraph really sums it up, for me anyways. This lingering hope, this "maybe we'll stumble into each other outside", this "I'll post something that I know will interest her, so that the thought of me pops into her head and she may contact me again"... it's all bogus. If a post of yours moves her to contact you, if she doesn't think about you on her own, what's even the point?
Exactly
Thanks for your honesty. Although your relationship was short term, I don’t think it matters the length of the relationship to show how committed you were. For me, I was in a 5 year relationship when she decided to move on. It broke me to where I was having dark thoughts, especially suicidal thoughts. It made more realize how fragile I was and who I really put my identity in. When she left and because my identity was in her, I did the same thing. Looking at her social media to see what she was up to. She ended up blocking me in all of it and I still tried to contact her via email. After sending several without any response. I stopped. I thought I was going to go crazy and I prolly was a little. But after multiple counseling sessions, I’m finally not in a severe place as I was. I still have my moments. I still wonder why she gave up. I still wonder how she could just drop me like I never existed in her life. It feels like those years never happened. My memory has been shot and all I have left are some old old pictures. I deleted most of them but there are still some hanging around. I also have multiple regrets and mistakes that I wish I could change. Those were really the ones that drove me down into the dark spots. But this is my quote that’s helped me during this difficult time “You did what you did with the experience and knowledge you had at the time” No matter how bad you want to go back to those movements and change them. You can’t. It’s been to learn from them.
Very well put sir.
That you was 50 % of the relationship. It wasn't all about them, you played your part in the good as well as the bad.
Nobody is coming to save you.
Go see a doctor
It happened. It sucks, but it happened.
It’s bad but we live to fight another day. Latin: vivere militare est “To live is to fight”
“It is what it is”
And it ain’t what it ain’t
This break up happened *for* me, not *to* me.
If you loved the wrong person that much think of how you can love the right person. Or something along those lines. I heard it in a YouTube breakup video!
you cant force someone to love you.
You can’t be a victim to your broken heart forever. Only you have the power to ruin your own life.
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ooooooof this thread is giving me life
I was watching Matthew Hussey's video today morning where he said emotions change. It sucks to be in this position but I'm hoping tomorrow would be better than today
The right decision rarely feels good or right.
oof I needed to see this
With time you’ll see it’s the right one. Hope your life’s good.
I heard someone once say "you'll be alright in the end, and if you aren't alright right now, that's okay, because you just aren't at the end of it yet"
‘This too shall pass’ simple but so effective, and has totally changed my life. Went through the most awful breakup and was totally consumed by it, but now I think there are good days and bad days and everything just passes
If someone tells you who they are/what they want, believe them.
Love yourself First ! People will come and go unfortunately
When you settle, you get what exactly you settled for.
You never know what future brings
If two people are meant to be together, they’ll eventually find their way back to each other
Wallow for 2 weeks. Talk to your therapist. Then go out. Go out of your way to help others. Go to the cinema. Join a club. Do something. Anything. But don't regress. You Broke up for a reason.
Don't be an idiot. Changed my life. Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, "Would an idiot do that?" And if they would, I do not do that thing.
"There is something good in all seeming failures. You are not to see that now. Time will reveal it." - Swami Sivananda
Whoever does it once will most likely do it twice and whoever does it twice will definitely do it a third time. This is something my mother told me a long time ago and I didn't fully understand the meaning of it until after my last relationship.
If they want you back and miss you, its just them feeling guilty
Count your weeks away as progression. You are getting better. I know I am. Still going to be better.
If they wanted to, they would.
Be kind to yourself
"If someone walks away from you, let them walk."
I like that one... I should have kept to that a long time ago.
If you’re meant to be with him, you’ll find each other again. If you aren’t meant to be with him, then you’ll find who you’re supposed to be with.
I hate that cliche lol, leaves one person hanging on for breadcrumbs while the other who says it (usually the dumper) moves onto their next target In fact my ex saying this triggered me to go full block / NC there and then. Probably did me a favour in terms of the recovery process...
“You need to go from the person they didn’t want to the person they can’t have” that’s when you’ll finally see your value. ❤️
If things are falling apart they’re falling into place.
Do not use energy on things you can not control.
No shit, here are some serious advices and all taken together are a good mantra for everyone to behave accordingly.
I know this hurts but your spirit is way to strong to let yourself fall
Never give someone 100%, make sure to take care of yourself -mom
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea, if one man can’t give you what you want, find one that will.”
The one that stuck in my head is that when she had 100% of me it wasn’t enough so why would I give her any of me when she was so quick to throw it away and run to the arms of another guy? She doesn’t miss me so I quit checking her socials, if she comes back what would the point be? Why fight for someone who won’t even put in the minimum effort?
If they wanted to they would
Delete all their contact info and block them on everything. Completely prevent yourself from seeing what they are up to in anyway. Made alllll the difference.
“You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife” “If it smells like fish it’s a delightful dish …. If it smells like cologne leave it alone” “Eatin ain’t cheatin and blowjobs don’t count”
“Nobody in this world will ever give a fuck about you” Each and everyday I realize how true that is.
It's sad how true this is