I feel this so much. My partner didn’t just blindside me, but he blindsided me over text message after we’d just spent a weekend at his parents. 3 months have gone by and I still do not get it at all. It would have been one thing to get over the break up, but getting over the way he did it is the part that I’m really struggling. I will never be able to understand how you could treat someone like that. He’s emotionally unavailable and has avoidant attachment issues so I guess its right out of that playbook but that doesn’t take away the hurt I feel.
Blindsiding someone who loves and cares about you is an incredibly unfair and shitty thing to do. The impacts of getting blindsided are lasting — you have every right to still feel hurt about it. Just remember that them blindsiding you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. It’s a reflection of their character and values, not yours, so hopefully that’s something you can find peace in (it has definitely helped me).
This hits hard. My wife just returned from a Business trip and told me she kissed her boss and wants to keep searching for a relationship with him. We have two kids. She is moving to Europe. I wont let mi kids alone in eurppe, Ill move there aswell. She blindsided me for a while. Im still coping with all this express new life
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m totally with you on being able to at least rationalise that their behaviour is not a reflection on you but is entirely their inability to deal with their emotions. It’s also been a way of me realising that it’s good to have gotten away from someone able to treat someone like that. I want a loving, trusting relationship with someone who can communicate. So as much as it hurts, I know it’s going to be for the best in the long run. Just can’t wait to heal from the experience so I can think about moving on.
Saturday: Introduced me to her parents
Tuesday: Introduced me to one of her two teenage daughters
Friday: Dumped me through a text message
It was a short, whirlwind romance, so I'm trying to count myself lucky that I didn't have more time invested. But seriously, what the fuck???
Exactly same thing happened to me. Met her kids, she said they liked me. The. she dumps me by text a few days later saying we have different ideas on family. Only a short relationship but hard to comprehend.
Not exactly the same and somewhat similar for me. I’ve gotten past being debilitated by it (for the most part), but now I’m fucked up in a different way.
Don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust in anybodys feelings like that again. So what’s the point of a relationship?
Ouch, I felt that…it’s like damn- I thought what we had was real, that we both were progressing- only to have the wool pulled over your eyes and left without any real warning
I feel you. My ex is also emotionally unavliable with avoidant attachment. It's tough loving someone who is nothing but stubborn as hell and emotionally closed off. 😩
I experienced the same thing with my ex. It hurts like hell.
Not being able to communicate because someone puts up a wall before you finished your first sentence.
We lived together for a year and the moment I moved out she was with somebody else. It's ripping me apart
Totally. In retrospect it totally chipped away at my self-confidence and self-worth. I totally abandoned my own needs to try to make him happy and looking back it’s quite horrifying how quickly you lose yourself
100%. I have an anxious attachment style so he ended up being my source of life (something I have to work on). I just found out about Avoidant Personality Disorder and I actually think he has that. I could never understand his actions but it makes a lot more damn sense after reading the symptoms of that.
Mine broke up with me over text too. We had just gotten back together (or so I thought) a few weeks prior. There was an issue that prevented us from previously getting back together and he said that was no longer a problem. I thought everything was going well until he started acting strange, saying he needed time apart. Then finally telling me he doesn't want a relationship. I realize it's mostly his mental health but it still hurts and I still don't fully understand.
Yessss avoidant attachment ppl can be the most selfish omg just like my ex literally did not see it coming and then they think they're doing the right thing like mateee
I can't believe how common this is. Four days ago I got blindsided by my bf of 6 years. The relationship was amazing and the chemistry and love were everlasting. Apparently, after covid brought our lives back and we could no longer live together, as we attent different universities, he began to feel extremely depressed. We visited each other every weekend, but this only made his unhealthy attachment grow stronger. He never said a thing and never considered we could work together and help him. This unexpressed feelings hurt him greater and greater until he could not stand them anymore. He broke up with me after a peaceful date (during wich we made plans for summer) and after spending an amazing night out with my college friends. I'm sure things would be different now, had he chosen to address his problem. I love him the most and I wish him to heal his mind and to experience the purest and most fulfilling happiness life cand offer, but I also find it unfair that such a pure love can not be lived. I'm hurt that he did not see me as an ally in his battle with mental health. I'm hurt that I got everything taken from me so unexpectedly.
Tell me why my ex girlfriend did the same thing. We went to her mom’s house. We came back for a couple of days. Then she went back up there stating she misses home so much and we should move up there. She starts acting very weird and distant, doesn’t want to call or facetime. I confront her about it. Then we break up.
I feel this so much!
This happened to me 22 days ago. It was going great until I found out from my employer who I had just started with, that the position they had hired me for wasn't going to work out. I told my now ex-GF about it and she proceeded to tell me that she needed space. The next day she stumped me via text by breaking it off. Her words exactly, “Hey... This isn't going to work out. While I enjoy you, I don't see us as partners.” The only reason I got for the breakup was that she was “overwhelmed” and that she couldn’t sacrifice her other commitments. She is a single mother with two kids from a previous marriage, ages 8 and 10.
I don't get it, but am getting too old for these games. I figure she would have been too as we were only 3 years apart in age, and in our mid to late ’30s respectively.
What’s happened to old fashion communication?
This is my boat now. I processed the breakup long ago and I forgive her for that because I understand. Feelings fade and change over time, and that's ok. What I can't process and forgive is how someone I had known for 14 years could do it over text, ignore all my calls, and then block me from her life without even a goodbye. That is the part I can't heal. How could I not be worth the proper way to end things?
A month before it happened, we celebrated his achievements at an amazing party with all his friends and family.
Three weeks before it happened, we traveled to a music festival together out of state, spending new years together where we were each other's comfort in a sea of strangers.
Two weeks before it happened, we spent our usual weekend sleepover together. We demolished each other at our favorite video games and he told me he had never loved someone like he loved me before.
One week before it happened, he took me out to an (expensive) restaurant of my request to celebrate me.
Two days before it happened, we celebrated our 2 year anniversary together, sharing our best (and ugliest) pics together and reminiscing about how we never knew what would become of us, but we were both so grateful to have found each other.
One day before it happened, we went to another concert together that we had planned as a celebration of my birthday and his new job. We held each other tight and danced the night away with all our friends.
The day of the break up, we had a double date brunch with my out-of-town friends. Then he took me to our first date spot, where we relived the moments that bonded us 2 years prior. He then took me home and told me he no longer loved me - doubted me even - and couldn't stay happy in this relationship. He read me a goodbye note from his phone that was dated 3 months before he decided to end it.
I spent months trying to replay every moment that could've been a reason for his feelings. Every moment that I should've predicted the end of us. Even now, with all the knowledge I have, the signs were too subtle for anyone to have seen. No matter how much "it's not you, it's me" verbiage he used, it never could've softened the blow.
I'm at the point where I accept his choices, and understand that his feelings don't have to be explained; no one's do. But just because I accept that he felt like he had to make this decision for himself, doesn't mean I have to like it or even be okay with it. I'm not okay with how he did it. It shows a complete lack of emotional maturity and communication skills. We're in our late 20's and he couldn't even bother to sit down and have the tough conversations with me. To work through what he was feeling. To see that I was worth trying for. Two fucking years together. So yeah, fuck him.
This story broke my Heart and is somewhat similar to mine- I have no idea why people do this- it screams fearful avoidant or something- there is some type of issue internally because that’s legitimately not fucking normal behavior
My thoughts exactly. Knowing what I knew about him, he was always the fearful-avoidant type. I did my best to be patient and understanding, but in the end it was his own lack of emotional intelligence that caused our downfall.
One thing I've learned in my own healing process is the value of interpreting your feelings enough to communicate them. No one in this world knows how to communicate and its so disheartening. Had he said something to me, I would've done so much to make it work. But he never bothered trying to fix his issues, and it's not my job to make him.
This is incredibly sad and very poignantly well written. I wish healing for you and I’m so sorry that you went through that. I honestly think when they do stuff like this that they are trying to rekindle a spark they felt once and are missing it, losing themselves and the relationship in mundanity. But… that’s not what it’s even about. The spark is fake. It’s Disney shit. It’s factionalized love that exists in fairy tales because of its idealized nature.
Have you ever heard the song “The Mess Inside” by The Mountain Goats? If not, you should listen to it and read the lyrics. It’s fictional but the story is very much like what a lot of us go through here. It breaks my heart every single time I hear it. Hope you have a good day, or that you are at least on the path to better ones.
My ex blindsided me, and then we worked it out in the SAME conversation and she agreed to try again.
Problem is the damage was done, and the next day I told her I couldn’t stay together with the uncertainty and feeling unwanted.
It hurt so badly to take it and then give it.
Good for you honestly, though. It takes a lot of strength in a sense of the word to resist the temptation to go through the ups and downs of trying to come back from damage like that.
As someone who had to hear the "I don't know what I want" and lived with it over my head for a while, you did the right thing. I thought that maybe that meant I had a shot, but really it meant "I don't know if I want you."
The uncertainty and feeling unwanted still hurts me even though I'm trying to move on from it. I think that is one of the worth things you can do to someone that cares about you.
Yeah it's been about a month for me and it was about a 6 year relationship. I can't say I was completely blindsided because issues had been brought up multiple times, but I felt like I was finally working on them and making the changes that were wanted. I thought that things were going to get better. The whole time I was putting 100% into the relationship. Taking care of my partner, comforting them, saying I love you and meaning it, going to their family events, and really just doing my best to make it work. Really I should have known better and not put as much time and energy into something that had been long dead. Really I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I shouldn't have been blindsided, but it's hard with rose-tinted glasses. Still hurts to lose something that I put so much into and for it to have been so abrupt. Really didn't help that it was right before my birthday.
I'm in a similar boat because the changes I was making are still positive and I'm finally not only feeling like myself and actually happy, but I'm dedicating myself to me and being the person I want to be. While it sucks to see so many other people in pain, I'm glad that we're all coming to understand how to be our best and that we don't need the other person to do that.
Because people nowadays are indecisive. They want to explore their avenues and have the relationship as a fall back if the grass isn’t greener on the outside.
Late response but…I don’t know if it’s just lack of empathy. It also has a lot to do with selfishness and a lack of fortitude IMO.
You can feel terrible about something, but if you have bought into the idea of “doing what’s best for ME” or “I don’t owe them anything” (two concepts that have some shred of truth, but can just as easily be used as an excuse for shitty behavior), blindsiding someone and then dipping out on them is the preferred option. It is “your right,” but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. It is however the *easy thing to do.*
A person more concerned with fairness would take a little more of the pain and discomfort to ensure that their partner is cared for, even if things are coming to an end.
But hey, why own your half of the breakup (as well as what you’re putting the other person through) when you can paint your soon to be ex black, dump them out of the blue, post some pics of your new ideal life on Instagram for validation and hop on a dating app to fill the hole?! /s
I feel like a lot of the time, they're not only trying to convince you that everything is okay, but most of all they're trying to convince themselves as well. Especially if you're a loving and caring partner, maybe they feel like they owe it to you to stay in the relationship and want to convince themselves it'll work. They try not to hurt you, but really they end up hurting you **so** much more in the end.
It's selfish, cowardly and such an awful thing to do, and it doesn't make it right.. but sometimes they really are just trying to convince themselves everything is okay.
In my opinion, a lot of us in this generation were raised from a broken home (parenting issues) that left so much scars on us growing up (childhood trauma or attachment issues) communication will never be a strong suit unfortunately (never learned it), so we go around trying to live “the normal wounded life” just how we see it, getting in a relationship when we are so emotionally wounded inside (trust issues, no self-love, avoidance, emotionally closed off) so we ended up breaking the partner just like we were broken as a child.
Now unfortunately, a lot of us will go on a relationship with this person and eventually it will come to its end in their terms, left feeling blindsided.
We got to go through this break up because we love, trust and comfort that “wounded soul” without they giving us a warning sign or there may be signs but we choose to ignore it out off love too.
My ex-husband made the unilateral decision for both of us one day that “it wasn’t working” and left me for a colleague about six weeks later. When I asked him about therapy he said “it won’t work” and that was the end of that.
Ten years later he’s DMing me about how he’s miserable and still in love with me and made a “catastrophic error” when he left me.
Well shit, mate, if at any time you’d let me in on what was going on, or tried couple’s therapy instead of writing it off, maybe you could have figured that out BEFORE you ended up in a new marriage with a kid you didn’t really want. As it stands, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.
This was refreshing to hear. Sometimes people are just mentally unstable and indecisive. They don’t know what’s best for themselves or have the common decency to properly communicate.
A bit late but I agree. They think the grass is greener and don't even try to talk it out with you and dump you like you meant nothing to them. I hope you are thriving
not only blindsided me but 2 weeks after he came on a free vacation with me and my family, through text, blocked me after, on prom weekend, and then went with the girl he told me not to worry about. they’re dating now :)
THIS!
he said he always, always had doubts but was afraid to communicate to me about anything on the off charge be might hurt me so he kept pussyfooting around until it he kept it in for so long he lost feelings.
Even though he said i gave him plenty of opportunities to speak up, he chose not to.
Even though he put me in a comfortable position that the relationship was working out during the times he said so he later turned around with " actually things aren't, I lied because i didn't want to hurt your feelings."
" I didn't want to hurt your feelings."
That, is a shitty excuse to not communicate.
If you are committed, if you really care and love that person. There should be no fear in the way of communication.
I told him something really personal of something that I did , even though i knew he wouldn't of liked hearing it. Regardless i still told him, followed by a promise i made.
Followed by the many times i told him an any issues i had. Because i wanted this relationship to grow, something he couldn't understand.
I'm still struggling with this. EVERYTHING he does, apparently he's only doing "to make you feel better" or "not to hurt your feelings" but it's making it SO MUCH WORSE.
He was questioning. Didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings.
He was treating me with love and affection and warmth up until the moment he broke it off. Because he wanted to protect my feelings and "leave nice memories." He had intended to do this up until the moment we parted ways.
I expressed before in couple's therapy that I missed some of his behavior - he REALLY upped the ante and even started giving me things I had always asked for but he had previously shrugged off. It really, really drew me in. Why would he want to break my heart like that? He wanted to make me feel amazing.... up until he planned on splitting.
He still tries to chit chat, bring me food, I ask why? He wants to make me feel better.
He wants to be friends and is really emotional about it. I agree but it starts getting really hard being around him so I ask for just a little space and compassion about my feelings right now. He shuts completely off - no talking, no emoting, doesn't even look up at me, just headphones in all the time, ignoring me. I ask why he shut completely off? Where did his feelings go? Doesn't think showing his feelings is good for me. Decided to completely bottle up and hardcore distract to make me feel better.
We have a long heart-to-heart and I get him to open up. It gives me a lot of hope for reconciliation - nothing seems to be set in stone. We chat briefly a couple days later, it didn't really do anything for him, he was only talking to make me feel better.
I feel like I just can't get his real opinion or desires. He'll say anything to make me "feel better" but it's fucking up my healing so badly. I can't tell what's real, what he's just saying, and I can't get any deeper understanding or CLOSURE. Are we even breaking up? Idk, because he said he wants to try again in a year, "and I only say a year because that's how long a lease lasts" (I'm moving back to my parents in another city and he's getting an apartment alone here, so he means he wants to revisit being/living together when it's time to evaluate his living situation). So... he wants to try again? Or does he? Fucking messing with my head.
I second the “no.” Get outta this.
Getting consistent communication, affection, and honesty from an avoidant person is like trying to get water from a rock. There is some in there, but no strategy is going to yield a consistent supply. You’ll drive yourself mad trying. Nothing you do is going to flip the switch. Change requires that they come to understand their own behavior and take actionable steps to change it themselves.
Move on!
Same happened to me but ex is female and I am male. I feel it’s less common among women for them to be emotionally avoidant and not really know or understand how to process things and discuss them frankly but… of course I always happen to attract them. And this one was rough because she presented as though she *wasn’t* like that for months, so I barely noticed any red flags in that sense
As I said to my ex, I always rather hurt with the truth then to be spoonfed lies. I try my best to always be 100% honest, unbelievable that people can't do the same!
I guess we’re all here for the same reason.
I got dumped while in military tech school. I received the call the day after she got home from flying out to see me. Coward 💯
It’s not fucking fair. They get to skip the whole grieving and longing process and move on, all the while your trust in others and confidence in yourself is plummeting to the ground.
I asked my ex how he’s doing the other day and it absolutely broke me when he said he was doing good. On the other hand, I’ve been losing weight rapidly and struggling to do the most mundane tasks. I feel so weak that even going up the stairs of my home feels like a workout now. I wish it was as hard on him as it was on me.
Super sick, my boyfriend said he was thinking about it back and forth for a month lmaooo like what
Why did you acted so lovey dovey until right before breaking up with me then. Something deeply wrong there
precisely why act lovey dovey instead of being mature and having a difficult conversation? why act lovey dovey before breaking up. that’s just messed up.
The hardest part is acknowledging that a part of me knew it was over, but the rest of me didn't want to admit it. Struggling for years to keep a boat from sinking was so taxing when the other person was at best not doing anything and at worst poking holes in the boat.
You'll find someone who is not only worth fighting for, but will fight for you.
I'm not here to defend anyone who has done this (because it happened to me as well). People are scared. That's what we do as humans. People are afraid of communication (I was). People are afraid of things. People get stuck in their heads. It does suck. Believe me. I was devastated. But I love her for who she is regardless. That's her journey. Maybe one day she will work on that and not do it to another partner. Or I pray to god it doesn't happen to her one day.
If I stay angry at her, I am the exact cycle of what she did to me. So I'm breaking the cycle.
Yea this. I’m not saying being dumped doesn’t hurt like THE DICKENS, but it’s always a grey area.
I often communicated with my partners that there were issues.
But I would stay trying to 100% give them the chance to work on changing— and then get blamed when I want to leave for not… leaving sooner.
Shouldn’t I have tried?
Shouldn’t I have seen if it was really getting better?
Shouldn’t I have been waiting to see the effort?
Wasn’t that the point of talking?
My ex who was an alcoholic snapped about me ending things like this post says— but i had talked with him about concerns over and over, talked and tried to get him to do therapy, or go outside, or show me our relationship is a priority.
And then when I calmly tried to again come to a resolution honestly? I just snapped.
I felt horrible, but I said we’re done. We are done for good.
It was driving me insane to keep having the same conversation and seeing no effort.
But I still love him. Just because he and I aren’t “together” doesn’t mean i dont want him to get better or find happiness. Doesn’t mean i get excited thinking he is unwell. Did I really love him if I ultimately want his demise? I don’t want him to hurt someone like this, I want him to stop drinking and lead a good life.
I want his happiness but he was hurting me and someone else I love ALOT… sometimes talking isn’t working and I think we all should be a little less angry and more compassionate about breakups.
They’re hard and embarassing for everyone involved.
Right?! My ex and I sat down and talked it out AFTER the fact. Didn't matter then, but we wanted to clear the air, and I wanted to understand (I still don't). I was 100% committed to the relationship -- for life even. Now I am forever broken, all because he didn't have the conversation with me BEFORE he ended things. I didn't see any major issues, nothing that couldn't be talked about anyway. I can't even hate him, cause I'm such a good person. Gah.
Yup same situation in that we talked it out after. I feel bad for them, because they’ll never be able to have a happy relationship with that way of thinking.
The thing is, we seek out a love that feels familiar, not a love that’s good for us. People like these dumpers have an abandonment issue and tend to abandon others before they abandon them. It’s a self-preservation thing. Furthermore, some people can’t handle being treated well. It makes them uncomfortable and guilty because they feel deep down they don’t deserve to be treated well and have poor self esteem.
What you just wrote is a very real thing…and I didn’t know this was a real thing until I experienced my blindside breakup. There are a LOT of hurt people out there- but not just hurt- but hurt that don’t and won’t work on themselves before or during a relationship- much easier to run
Early on my ex said "I don't deserve to be treated this well". Did my dumbass question it? Of course not. I simply reassured her that she did and continued to spoil her.
You’re not dumb for treating someone you love well. You’re not dumb for ignoring that red flag, because everyone has at least one.
You’re not dumb for wanting to be loved just as much as you loved her. Continue to be yourself in relationships, as one day you’ll have someone that will fall for you and how you treat them.
Every time I would say how great he was my ex would respond with "I'm not as good of a person as you think I am" God I wish I would have listened to him on that. But it did lead to a new dating rule for me listen when they tell you who they are.
Haha yep... We are the ones who go through life taking the brute reality and we still show a caring heart. The people who harm us just because they think they can will get their day. Trust me they will suffer and we will just ricochet their pain they caused us. Soon it will be nothing but soon they will be in a world of hurt from their own actions.
Dumpers really don’t think about the repercussions of their actions on the other person. I do sometimes wonder if they put themselves in our shoes for a day and felt the pain that we feel, would they still pull the trigger?
When I didn't take my ex up on her offer to be friends she said that she understood, but would prefer that we weren't bitter strangers. I spoiled the shit out of her and she mentioned it quite often... what in the everloving fuck did she have to be bitter about? What a trip.
For me it's usually they're to busy crushing on their new partner. Why TF are they gonna care about how I feel when they're busy having fun with their new girl? Also, I'm willing to bet dumpers are not high Fe users.
I recently read a reddit post by a woman who had just experienced her first dumping. She said she was so shocked at how painful it was because she had never experienced it before and had absolutely NO idea how it felt. Never happened to her until then. She was maybe 20s.
I’m 25, female and been dumped for the first time (my first relationship) and I can honestly say I’ve never experienced emotional pain like this. This pain has changed me. I don’t know who I am anymore.
My partner blindsided me after 5 and a half years. 5 of which we lived together. He wanted to go fuck another girl so he dumped me. It's really amazing how someone can just throw away a relationship with someone who's willing to take all their physical and emotional abuse for the rest of their life just to go fuck someone else. Anyway, he's in my past and I'm over him. He's single now cause the girl that he went to fuck told him not to come back because she's already engaged to someone else and the girl that he tried to date after me stopped dating him in less than a month. So he can enjoy being alone while I move on to make someone else happy.
This really does suck doesn’t it. My ex blindsided me after 5 years (living together 4). Apparently some guy I didn’t know about slipped between the cracks in our relationship and she entertained it. She left me for him and rubbed it in my face. I was devastated. But I was in a somewhat similar situation with a previous ex, minus the living together, so I knew exactly what I needed to do and what mistakes to avoid making. The next day when she was at work I had some people over, packed up all my shit and moved out. Started NC and blocked her on all social media and her phone number (she literally has no way to contact me now). She made her decision so that’s how I keep the power and heal. Its been 5 months now and I have no idea what’s going on in her life and she has no clue about mine. But I bet she wonders if she made a mistake.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. I recently had a moment of clarity, where I understood that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, so yes, I broke the rule about not dumping the person by text. I did it because he is a manipulative narcissist, has cheated on me once before and talked me back into the relationship with lots of sweet talk and promises that I knew I would not be able to believe now and did not want to go through the mental torment of it, being told I'm crazy or insecure when I'm not.
Before breaking up with him, I ran the evidence of his cheating past my friends, as well as an online support group, so no less than 20 or 30 people agreed, unanimously, that he was definitely cheating and I should kick him to the curb. I've been no contact with him for about a week now, despite his sending flowers and voicemails and emails, but I'm not a bit sorry about how I did it. I had to protect my mental health.
Really? I told my partner how sad I was and that I felt that they weren't interested. I am still interested. We used to text like every hour of every day. Now it's been 3. Still no word. He has all of my contact info. This is the third time. He doesn't have a great memory. However I feel that I've done more of the learning.
It's different if you've already communicated how you were feeling and there were no changes on their part to make you feel like your needs were being met. You weren't being met half way and that's not on you. <3
My gf of **a year and a half** waited till I had to leave the country for stuff before she broke up with me over a phone call a month later. This trip is incredibly stressful for me, which she knew, and one of the only things keeping me going was knowing I had someone waiting for me.
Now I just feel so fucking empty.
We never even got a chance to talk this out in person because she'd rather the cowards way out.
Up till now every time we were apart we'd talk for hours on the phone daily. A week or two before she broke up she started to slowly cut communications or keep calls to no more than 10 mins max.
I should've known it was coming.
Every time she had to go home for the holidays, etc, I was always there for her thru call or text. Now when I needed her most she took it as a chance to cut me loose? Who the fuck *does* that?
it's always funny when they do it too isn't it. Literally, wait until you're in a stressful or bad spot in life and instead of working through it they bail.
Blindsided. and left for another guy after she said she developed feelings for me.
Said I was a great guy, possibly better than the guy she emotionally cheated on with, but a relationship with me wasn't worth it (was worth it when I was helping her get through college and shit). She was and still is a narcissistic, selfish piece of shit who would do whatever it takes to get her things done, even if it means leading a guy on for 3 years with false promises just so she could get the help she needed.
Ugh, we were engaged after almost 6 years together and planning our wedding. He was planning to move in with me and had just been approved and the lease was made up for us to sign. I cooked dinner for us (honey Dijon chicken thighs, Parmesan green beans, duck fat roasted potatoes)and he came over, we sat down to eat, and he ate his food super fast and then said “hey I’m not really feeling this relationship anymore. I don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I’ll come by later to get my stuff and the ring”. He left and I was like 3 bites into my dinner lmao. He could have let me finish eating first.
I’m sorry to laugh at this but the way you told the story including the self-effacing “lmao” and the needless but delicious-sounding retelling of what you cooked actually made me crack up laughing. You sound fun.
He loved giving excuses. Except he was really bad at them. You could tell he had shit up his sleeve. When things were feeling off to me, I'd ask him what's up. He'd say nothing. After several conversations of what the fuck his intentions with me are, he says he doesn't know what to do in life, he doesn't feel like enough for me, he thinks I'll leave him, he thinks I love someone else or even that he's thinking about his past relationships. The amount of reassurance i gave him on those days literally went wasted. The following day he would end things with me. And he would not change his mind, he just wanted to end things. I cringe about how much I use to beg for him to rethink everything, telling him I love him, y'know that stuff. Eventually he'd come back, telling me I gotta deal with him being rude and careless towards me if I wanted him. His new excuse for being like that was because he thinks love just isn't for him or that he's lost feelings or tired of love.
It's so, SO dumb i accepted so much shit and settled down with it thinking I did something.
Same with my ex and when I use to pull him up for it, he would get shitty with me making out he isn't making excuses then I'd cave and back down. That's time I'll never get back. 🤷♀️
Yep just got out of one of these 2 months ago. The day before she was blowing up my phone about I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Next day completely different person and does this. It’s funny cuz she said to me she had abandonment issues and then does this. “If I do something that makes you mad or uncomfortable can you tell me”. Didn’t do any of that for me. Dumped me twice out of nowhere for different reasons. First one she admitted she overreacted. I was dumb to give her another chance after being dumped on text at work. Oh well live and learn…
Bro literally (just one instance) my ex wore my academy hoody, said she missed me, and planned 2 dates with me and then the next morning was like yeah I can’t do this…like wtf?
At the beginning of our brief relationship I explained to my ex that I have abandonment issues. She said that she wanted to be a safe space for each other and that if she ever made me feel unsafe, I should tell her. Fast forward a month and a half, she got upset about something and her tone changed. I told her that her withdrawal of affection was activating my abandonment anxiety. She ignored me for 12 hours and then blamed me for abandoning myself and accused me of withdrawing affection for not wishing her goodnight. Yeah, that didn't turn out the way I had been led to expect it would.
The conversations above were through text, as was her dumping me with no effort made at talking things through.
He literally said to me while tearing up one time that he loved me so much and if there was anything ever wrong in the relationship to tell him because he does not want to ever lose me 😑, he made me promise and then he goes ahead and does this
Wow I actually needed to see this. My ex blindsided me and broke up with me over text. I saw the signs and thought she was busy or stressed out over stuff. Next thing I found out was that she already had a replacement and was talking to him during our relationship. I hurted and I still suffer from anxiety and depression while she won't talk to me anymore.
The biggest reason I am internally pissed at my ex is that not once did she sit down with me and communicated the doubts she was having about our relationship. Instead she kept going with me as if everything is good and one day when she was totally comfortable with the breakup, she told me about everything.
It’s a mix of being a coward, feeling guilty, wanting to push through unsureness and not make a split-second decision… but it ends up feeling like a “blindside” because we don’t know (and they won’t tell) their side of the story.
We went to a fair together with a group of friends and had a great time. Then you decide to end it by saying you don't see yourself loving me the way I love you and I deserve someone that does. You wanted to "rip the band-aid" instead of talking and trying to work it out like a couple should.
1 week after our trip to Disney. 1 week after you surprised me with tickets to universal after Disney. 1 week after confessing to you saying i love you. 1 week after I wake up and the first thing i see is you saying "happy birthday!" Before we leave to go back home
I gave you everything I had emotionally. I was looking at our bright future. I saw us being forever.
While I couldn't be mad because I understand her that well and why she's done all that she has....it feels so good knowing someone is getting mad for me. Someone broke my heart and hurt me and someone gets mad for me.
Thank you so much
Omg this hit me all the way into my core. I was on the receiving end of this exact scenario at one point. That hurt and doubt in myself has never really left since then. It’s unbelievable that this isn’t a rare occurrence. I’m sorry for anyone else who has experienced this, my heart breaks for each of you.
Thank you, at least somehow I feel my pain is justified. At least someone understands. The betrayal, the hopelessness, helplessness, the questioning of my own sanity of they ever loved us. And most important, not being given a fighting chance, after 4 years, I guess I meant that little to her.
Whenever I think of all the things he meant to me and how great he is. I focus on how much I would have fought for this and he didn’t. I think of how he could have been straightforward earlier and we could have solved whatever it was, I would have done anything, but he didn’t. If they didn’t love us then good riddance because we don’t need that level of fakeness in our lives.
however, what’s most likely is that they did love us and they just couldn’t fight for it because they were too scared or they were anxious and wanted to leave instead of trying.
We deserve a person that is a fighter and that is not a coward.
I feel you.
My ex and I had a perfect last day together. She spent the night and I made us breakfast in the morning. We went to bakery for some treats and cuddled up to watch a movie. Then we took a nap together and picked up groceries to make one of our favorite dinners.
Suddenly, a conversation went bad and she revealed she didn't a future together where we would both be happy. She told me how I would answer questions she never asked me. She told me what my feelings were. This came as a complete and total shock to me.
I disagreed. I tried to compromise. I tried to find a solution or a middle ground, but her mind was made up. I was so willing to work to keep her, but she wouldn't budge. She flawlessly hid her doubts and led me along like everything was okay. Only an hour before she was buying her favorite cereal for when she spent the night next weekend.
To hide feelings strong enough to end a relationship is the ultimate betrayal of your partner's trust. I can understand dumping someone after communicating your needs/doubts and giving both parties time to think. Yes, it will still suck for the dumpee, but at least they had a warning, maybe a chance to correct their behavior or ponder what really is important to them in life. My ex decided I would hate living in the city without ever seriously asking me if I wanted to live in the city. The sad part is, I was totally willing to try and she wouldn't let me... Fuck her.
Yup this is shitty and indicative of something wrong mentally, imo. These stories all seem to happen in very similar ways, it’s really striking. Making up answers in their minds to problems they never brought up… it happens so often. And it does seem like mostly women do this particular thing. Men who blindside don’t really go this route from most of the stuff you read if you stick around here long enough. Both kinds of blindsiding are bad but at least with men you can just be like “well they’re just fucking dumb,” which is mostly true. With women it really does seem like there’s something going on that is specific to them. Not *always*, and maybe I’ll catch flak for pointing this out but… yeahhhh.
Idk. I just wish I could have talked with her about it and evaluated the options on an even keel. It seems she was quick to throw away something so amazing over so little. At the end of the day, I guess I loved her more than she loved me and valued our relationship more than she did.
I couldn't get her to admit to it, but I think a fear of commitment also contributed. All of her friends are single, so I can't help but think living with a boyfriend would be a burden to her social life. Might as well keep living at home and continue to let her Mom be her servant.
I can’t bring myself to have any animosity towards my ex but this is exactly what happened and it sucks. Being told about how long they thought about it for, and in the same time period seeing all the words of affirmation, love, and laughs towards you is such a betrayal of trust. Hurts to not have had a single conversation about what was going on. At the end of the day all I can do is focus on myself now and remind myself that if they can do it once it’ll probably happen again, there’s no purpose of trying to rekindle what was there.
It’s such a mind fuck. Like he didn’t have to be so nice and caring and loving. Like I wish I could tell him “dude you could have taken it down a notch once you were planning on breaking up with me a month before.” I have just come to the conclusion that they just deeply hurt people and it comes from a selfish place cause they don’t want to feel like a “bad person” or rejected.
Well, he might not be a bad person overall, but he is a bad person to me. Never again.
Yup 3,5 years... sends me intimate video that day and kisses and hugged me later at work shouting she loves me. Dumped via txt on her first break , 2 hours after I seen her.
Coward
The worst is when they do this after a 12 years spent together and they just say that they don't love you anymore and walk away. And the moment they exit the door, you are a perfect stranger and they behave like you never knew each other. You are left with nothing but pain and they start to live their happy new life
Needed to read this. Thank you. Was with my GF for 6 years. She blindsided me 2 weeks ago after she had been having thoughts for “a couple months” in her words. The 1st time I heard about these feelings was when she broke up with me as soon as I got back from being away from her for a week. It’s just terrible knowing they felt a certain way but could not communicate her feelings at all (she’s never been a good communicator so I should’ve seen it coming.) it’s honestly just really frustrating & something I will never understand, especially if you’re with someone for a long time and you “love” them. Feelings change and what not which is fine, and some relationships are meant to end, but being fucking blindsided like that hurt more than actually losing her…..
I will say that sometimes we have doubts but we shouldn't voice all these doubts and sometimes people need to think things through a bit before bringing something to their partner for sure. But there's a point that they just end up lying and leading the other person on which isn't okay.
I was blind sided and dumped via Snapchat 2 months ago. 2 years and no indication she was going to break up with me. Despite all of that I don’t hate her, I asked if she wanted to discuss it in person at the time and she said no. I messaged her (probably a stupid idea) about 3 weeks back and asked if we could meet up and just discuss things and she rejected it again. A part of me still wants to meet one last time but I feel like she’s worried she might get too emotional if we meet in person hence why she did it over Snapchat
Hey this happened to me exactly over text as well. Almost 8 years together (uhg) and talking about marriage and loving each other within days of this long text. Completely blindsided and destroyed me. Then he refused to even talk to me or give me explanations. Just yelled at me over the phone. Now months later he’s been trying to reach out to apologize. Like dude. You hurt me without thinking about how painful it would be after a decade of knowing each other. Really ripped into my heart because of your inability to communicate.. yeah I’m conflicted
You deserve better! Mine was after 8 years (and being friends prior to those 8 years too) and making plans for our future together and if he ever tries to reach out again he’s going to be told to back off and stay away. He should have talked it out and tried to fix things instead of blindsighting you like that without a care in the world for all that time you’ve known each other :(
You really don't deserve that treatment. Very unfair to you, but remember -- this is a decision that he'll live with. You can sleep easy at night knowing you wouldn't do the same thing. :)
This happened to me. We met up a week later to exchange some things and I told him how selfish he was. I felt bad for saying it but it just came out. I was so mad. He had the audacity to tell me he understood how I felt because he’s broken up this way before. Like are you fucking kidding me? If you knew how this felt, why would you do it to someone else? I’m still bitter over this. The sadness has subsided but the anger is still there.
There were numerous times during the last couple of months that we were together that I felt something was off. My ex has pretty bad anxiety so I always liked to talk to her about any issues she may have been dealing with/wanted to discuss. She would always tell me that "everything with us is great, it's just other things."
Then when she broke up with me, she told me she had been feeling conflicted about us for months. So all those times she said that we were great, she was lying. If she had been honest, I would have done whatever it took to work things out. But maybe that's what she was afraid of.
During the breakup, I asked her why she didn't talk to me about these feelings before, when she began to notice them. She said because if she had said them out loud to me sooner, the breakup probably would have happened a lot sooner. Maybe she had to be absolutely sure it was the right move first, or maybe she was preparing herself, making sure she was completely checked out before pulling the trigger. Or maybe she was trying to work through those feelings on her own hoping she could make them go away. Either way, whether she had ended things in January or March it's still the same to me. I am kind of glad we got the chance to have one more perfect day together before it ended though.
omg #facts this is so spot on! the extent of damage i'm in range from many things of him and this is one of it, it really kills you and somehow unable to wrap your head around it... just crazy, horrid hell. when i say i love you, its forever, i hate that people say love but then ends it like wtf, love doesn't just end! esp one which lasted 5 years and then you ghost them after saying less than 10 words to bu with them when there's such a future planned and am in waiting for, all the assurance for shit brokenness back. sheeesh, this is horrible horrible horrible. :'(
I know you were devastated and that's horrible, plunging you into devastation.
I blindsided both of us (3 year rs) with breaking up just after we'd had a sexy shower. I'd wanted him to be my life partner but had felt him pulling away in the last year and when I asked what our future was he told me he didn't want to "live with anyone", so I ended it. I'd told him 4 months prior that I wanted a 5 year plan to live together and his response was "oh, right" and didn't mention it again. He never talked about us throughout the final 2 years and he'd clearly used deceit by omission to keep me in his life.
I mean you brought up the issue and even wanted a plan to move forward so you're not in the wrong here. If he didnt communicate back or haggle or anything I don't see any problem with just leaving him at your convenience. Hell he's keeping you in his life at a convenience so might as well dump him at your earliest convenience.
Jesus fucking Christ. This was the end of my relationship. Telling me she doesn’t know what she would do without me, then poof. But then she comes back and needs help. I just wanted a family, and a home. Fuck knows what she wants, definitely doesn’t put her child into the equation.
She broke up with me over the phone multiple times. Sometimes even through a text message. Completely blindsided. Throughout the last couple years I made sure all her needs were met. I worried about her. I wanted her to flourish. She was looking for a way to monkeybranch to somebody else the whole time.
I was so depressed throughout the majority of that relationship. When I got out of the relationship it took some work on myself to be ok again eventually coming to the realization she was making me depressed.
Agreed being blindsided is like being suckerpunched by your best friend/partner/lover, etc Now time for my pity story... Was getting married in less than a week. Partner just got back from a short work trip, during which she texted every morning and night with love and support and asked how making the wedding playlist was going. Everything seemed on track. Other than she said she had gotten a UTI during her trip.
The next day she tells me she had an affair over her trip with a coworker and had been flirting for some time. Tells me that's not the real issue though the real issue is I drove her to the affair for a laundry list of BS reasons that were rarely or never discussed. I take in the information try to tell her that we should cancel the wedding and seek couples therapy. She talks like this is a good thing but says she doesn't believe I would ever forgive her, but there was some hesitation like she wanted to see where this relationship with the other guy went (I can reply to comments if you are interested in this pos. For example, he is married still although she thinks the divorce went through about a month ago).
I have to get myself and my thoughts together, so I rent a hotel room for the night. She flies off to her parents unexpectedly that night and I come to the conclusion that I needed to get out of our condo fast. I found a place to live and moved my stuff while she was at her parent's in like 4 days. She is back at our condo now and we have been in NC since I moved.
Must admit I am very unclear on where she stands since she did seem to like the idea of couples counseling. Probably doesn't matter though, obviously the best thing for me to do is move on.
All of this. My ex-fiance of 4 years let me give up my apartment, job, car, friends, and move to Birmingham freaking Alabama for him. He gave no indication of what he was thinking, even allowing me to spend all of my extra money on Xmas gifts for him, and saying that he loved me a mere 5 minutes before he broke my heart on Christmas Day 2020. Then I managed to talk him into couples therapy, that required me to make weekly trips back to Birmingham from Atlanta to try and fix this. As it turns out he was just stringing me along long enough to get one last birthday present out of me before ghosting me before my birthday. Part of me almost hopes CJ is reading this
Thank you so much for this post; it is so nice to be validated after I thought I was losing my mind! When I sensed him pulling away, he laughed at me when I confronted him about it and said everything was fine, he was just “stressed” about taking his board exam 😒 Low and behold, he discarded me a week after he took his exam after I wasted all that support and mental energy on him during that time.
Thank you so much /u/z0mgn0es
This totally applies to my case. Dumped in very harsh circumstances, similar to what you wrote.
I pray to get better from this and to overcome the sadness one day. One day at a time.
Yup, everything was great until it wasn’t. He wasn’t he gonna say anything until I brought up his inconsistencies and felt that something was off. And, as of yesterday, I see him on dating apps again and he literally came up as my most compatible partner. So embarrassing.
Thank you for posting this. Made me tear up and remind me how much he sucks. Booked a whole trip and planning tattoos to breaking up out of the blue and apparently had doubts for weeks. Cool, thanks for booking flights and shit when you were losing feelings.
This just happened to me. A week tomorrow. After 6.5 years of thinking about everything is fine, now I’ve lost my home, my partner, my best friend, and 2 of my dogs. We just talked about marriage, getting a new home, starting a family, and suddenly she hadn’t loved me for years and couldn’t wait to move out. I’m so lost and confused.
This is exactly what happened with me. I was going out to visit her and she messaged me saying we needed to talk. I finished my errands and went home to call her. She said she has alot going on and just doesn't have romantic feelings for me. She loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. She came from a very toxic relationship and had a child. I want to think, since I was her first healthy relationship in a long time if ever, she had too much on her plate and pushed me away. We were together almost two years. We didn't live together. I know people from toxic relationships will cut people off and push away if it'd going good because they're afraid of being hurt when something "bad" comes up. I'm hoping between that, her plate being full from life hitting all at once (when it rains it pours situation) that she pushed me away because she didn't know how to handle a healthy relationship. I questioned everything, and still do, about it all and nothing makes sense. I thought it was going great. I loved her and her daughter. Now I have nothing but pain and questions that won't answer. She won't talk to me unless it's through messages. It's time to give her the space she wants, let her focus on herself and see how the future pans out
If it’s gotten to the point of breaking up, it’s not going to be a problem that can be over come by talking it out.
Do you even want to be with some one you’ve had to convince to stay with you? Probably not right
The entire point is to talk about things before they reach the breakup point. It's not about convincing someone to stay, it's about having an opportunity to show how important the relationship is to us before it goes that far. I got blamed for not meeting wants and needs that I was never even told about.
Right, but that doesn’t change that they either created a problem in their head that they potentially overcomplicated and overthought until it subjectively eclipsed their feelings, or they just disengaged without communicating how they felt or that they didn’t actually want to put the effort in. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but they still do it. These people we supposedly have similar values with would never have done that. We may have even had conversations in the past about never doing something like that to the other person, or that we’d always be there for them. The fact of the matter is that they lied; whether they see it that way or not.
Not to the same level as you. I am so sorry.
But it was similar in that I couldn’t wait to kiss him cause we hadn’t seen each other in person in a while and I didn’t thought anything was wrong cause he was being such lovey dovey still through text and calling every day and stuff.
We were going to go eat. Nope. Nothing, just break up.
There is something seriously wrong with people like this, now I can see that. Kind of just feel bad for him at this point.
My ex invited me over to talk about ways we could make our long distance situation work better. When I got there, he broke up with me on the spot. There was no discussion or build up. I didn't even know our long distance relationship was affecting him badly. He gave me no indication he was unhappy.
It sucks cause in their mind they've slightly moved on a bit. Whereas your brain just goes into panic mode.
I'd say I had the worst type of blindside. She texted her cousin that we broke up, I only found out by reading that text myself (FB messenger, we had both of our accs on both phones). Worst part is, I found out a month after we both signed a 1 year lease and she expected me to move out while I had nowhere to go and I had accepted a low paying job (she was working a good paying job) for the schedule, not the pay, so that we only needed a babysitter maybe 2-4 days a week for only 4 hours a day. So I couldn't even afford to get my own place. We still live together, we moved in in Sept 2021. I have since quit the job because I was overwhelmed and now I am pretty much her live at home babysitter/maid. Oh and recently she's been having me sleep in the same bed (our son sleeps in bed with her/us), idk what that's all about but I only do it on days she works so that I can sleep throughout the night w/o being woken up, cause she gets up at 4 for work and normally I sleep on the couch.
Sorry bout the random rant... Will prob delete this later.
I was with her for 7 years. Over the course of weeks/months she withdrew. Suddenly 1 word answers. Last message I sent her, "I miss you."
Left on read for 3 years. She resurfaced and posted an engagement photo on instagram a month ago.
Looks like it worked out for her in the end. Meanwhile I'm still depressed 3 years later.
I was blindsided with a divorce via text.
It was after a fight and she left to her mother's, but it was the only major fight we had ever had. Never had any discussions prior on her being unhappy enough with things to want a divorce.
She already had my replacement lined up a couple of weeks later, so that was most likely it. Still an incredibly cruel and cowardly way to end a relationship.
What do you do when this happens, then they turn around and want you back. They apologize and want to work on themselves, but you can't unsee the lack of love they had for you all that time. I'm so confused, and feel more hurt because I don't know what's right for me...
This literally just happened to me. Three years with my first love and I’m supposed to accept two short conversations as finality when I anticipated a summer filled with love and hope. I didn’t expect this to last forever, but I didn’t think it’d end so soon. The last she saw of me was a desperate, weeping mess. I’m so ashamed and heartbroken.
You took the words right out of my mouth. My story has some differences, but to this day. I am still heartbroken..
I was broken up with in February of this year (2022) a few days before Valentine's Day. My ex bf and I have been on and off for about 12 years. Every time we came back together we got better, but don't get me wrong it got toxic during fights. We both had unhealed parts of ourselves that really came out and was triggered during our relationship. We both loved each other, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the one who loved him a little more. I was. We had similar emotionally neglectful parents. He was an avoidant attachment and I am an anxious attachment, so when I say toxic arguments you can imagine how triggering and tragic those were. We were both were coming from a good place, but neither of us understood the underlying issues. He was seeking peace and stability, while I was seeking consistency. We were both stubborn and didn't know how to understand each other's communication styles. Because I was emotionally expressive, I communicated a lot if I felt unloved or my needs weren't being met, but my partner had trouble doing so. He would keep it in because he would be frightened by my emotional outbursts if I got defensive (as a result of my anxiety & abandonment issues)...I don't blame him because..my expectations were high..and what I learned is that you cannot expect someone to give you something they can't give themselves...I constantly seemed emotional validation and my feelings to be honored, but he didn't even know how to do that himself because of his childhood avoidant trauma. Me on the other hand, could not validate his need to feel safe enough to express his emotions & the struggle he had to do so because I was too busy trying to fight for my own needs, because my anxious attachment made me fear being abandoned.. If only I knew all this then...maybe I would have been able to salvage our relationship...or maybe things wouldn't have come to an end the way they did....
It wasn't until near the end of out 1.5 year relationship that I finally caught on to my childhood anxiety trauma..When I realized this...it helped our relationship significantly.. I learned to manage my anxiety and communicate it better...which triggered my partner less and allowed Him to feel comfortable to start being vulnerable..in the last 2 months we were together.. However, previous to me starting to manage my anxiety he mentioned he wanted a "break" which initially I was so reluctant to give...and being anxious it was so hard for me to let go & trust that he will be back. He told me he just needs some time to heal and he will be back. We both agreed not to see anyone/entertain anyone during this time..So those last 1.5-2 months before the break was one of our happiest b/c we were finally not triggering each other much. I cried and told him how I wish I knew sooner...
When the time came of our break... we were both heartbroken 2 weeks post, that he ran back...but then we got into an argument due to my frustration b/c it felt like I cried over nothing with him being back so quickly but also because I felt like he was always coming in and out of my life as he pleases. the fight caused him to rethink and he said "I thought I would feel more excited & relieved but I don't..I think I need more time.." this frustrated me more...but I agreed and told him to take another month..to heal more and be really sure..
2 more weeks pass closing in on valentines day...I felt things change.. (intuition is kind of spot on a lot) even though we were separated we would still say ily and Amy every now and then to remind each other we were still thinking about each other ..but this time..he was leaving me on read and it triggered my anxiety again..and this time I couldn't quell it..something felt wrong. My anxiety triggered him and he told me "this is our time apart, I just want to stay impartial" which surprised me..b/c that energy was way different..
I asked him if it I could go see him...because I missed him, and that my anxiety was triggered and I wanted to be with him but I wanted to make sure he still wanted to see me. he said "of course I do." I drop everything and drive in the middle of the night...2 hours to him..and I get there and things seem ok. But the next day...he refused to have sex with me...and acts a little distant...he even asks me when I will leave (it was a Sunday) we both had school the next day...but he's never pushed me to leave quickly before. He always lets me stay as long as I want..my intuition/gut feeling was screaming warning bells...
I did something I know I shouldn't have..I asked him permission to play with his phone...I look through messages..and I find out he's been talking/entertaining another woman...my heart drops to my stomach..at this point I had learned to not throw an emotional fit with him (remember I've been working on this for some time now)..I asked him when he was going to tell me.. and he says "I was gonna tell u when u were more emotionally stable." I excused myself outside his apartment...and bawled outside...I had never cried like that in my life.. I felt so betrayed...blindsided... I thought it was us working through our issues and healing separately so we could be together...we were at the point of wanting to get married eventually...that day.. I couldn't bear what happened.. I left his apartment..only to turn around and find him at the grocery store...with a smile on his face pushing a cart like nothing happened with his AirPods on. He sees me and his face looks like he saw a ghost. he snaps out of it and walks away rom me...I was in shock it was like nothing happened. I ran to him and I look at him and ask "are you talking to her right now?" and he nodded.. he was talking to the girl on the AirPods I bought him...
I tried to ask him to explain himself in the car but he got defensive and it was like I didn't even recognize the person that was supposedly in love with me...I gave up..he eventually talked to me after that for a brief time...but I lost my shit that night (not in front of him)...a friend got me a hotel room but I felt like I couldn't breath every second that passed...I was so confused...I thought the hotel was going to help..but instead in attempt to try to make myself feel better taking a bath...I lost my mind...& tried to drown myself..I snapped out of it..but called a hotline..got transferred to the ER on valentines day where I cried all day, didnt sleep a wink. then I got transferred to the psych ward for about 5 days to recover...
im in therapy now..my ex was sorry..but to this day I feel betrayed. I forgave him, but that doesn't mean It doesn't hurt for me everyday. What's worse is... my ex is now engaged to the woman he was talking to behind my back. They had started talking since before we officially went on that "break" and everything just felt right for him since then.. he is in love with her now..and I constantly blame myself for having sabotaged my relationship by failing to provide a safe space for him to be emotionally expressive and for being too selfish & demanding asking him to give me what he wasn't capable of giving even himself yet and letting my anxious attachment strain our relationship. I regret not helping him or being more patient and gentle. I blame myself constantly..and the fact that things are working out for him just serves are reinforcement for my self-blame..I failed to make him happy..
I still love him. As I write this..I still love him. I cry everyday and my therapist says im clinically depressed. I can only hope the day comes that I no longer care..I just want peace and the pain to stop...
and more than anything...I just wish he didnt blindside me.. I wish he sat me down and gave me a chance to fix things/prove to him the changes were real (he told me he noticed my efforts towards the end..but at that point it was too late for him..& he didnt trust the changes anymore)... I wish he gave me some time before jumping into a relationship with his current woman now...
its been a few months...& I'm still struggling..sometimes I think about how it feels like it would take a miracle for me to get past this...to anyone else in a similar position...I hear you..I see you...and I feel your pain.
February 4th, 2022, even now nearly 4 months later it hurts like a knife driving through my chest. All in one day out of nowhere, my ex decides to just cut it off. She would constantly ignore me and pay no mind to me which made me feel unimportant to her. I guess I was right. I tried telling her, begging her even to pay me an ounce of her time and affection the same I did her but she had other priorities and cut ties in one day out of nowhere. Still trying to get over the memories we had but that’s a 10 month relationship gone and a 2 year friendship flushed down the drain. I gave her everything and what I got in return was to be treated like a used toy, played with that when she was done with, thrown out like trash. Even so, those were the happiest 10 months of my life and now they’re the 10 worst months in my life. Some days I have felt the urge to take my own life because of how much I lost. She was the only person that seemed like they cared about my emotions, something even my family and close friends couldn’t do. You think a person loves you and then they go and break your heart. If anyone read this wall of text at all I could use some advice on how to move on.
Going through this right now. Crazy to read all of these comments of so many people feeling the same.
A total flip. Happy and in love one day, hearing all the most beautiful things in the world said to me…left me and packed up the next day while I was at work. I’ve never felt so confused and devastated. No warning signs or indications
Holy crap. So much this. It’s never hurt so much to be blindsided like this. He had all these conversations in his head and I had no idea. Never saw it coming :(
This happened to me. He said he hadn’t been happy for a while but he didn’t ever tell me this. Then he cheated. I’m broken. Seriously broken. I don’t have five minutes without thinking of ways I can end it all.
Was with my partner for 5 years. Thought everything was going good. I had raved to people how good we communicated and how much I cared for them. Then they decided the best place to end the relationship was in a coffee shop after never bringing up concerns. Then sent me a letter to explain it afterwords, saying ‘they hope they can be in my life again at some point’ seriously why?
This reminds me of the anger I'd felt after even a year later. I'd kinda forgotten, but I was broken up by phone while in the hospital. It was so shocking, and on top of the physical pain I was in I just wanted to die. We were planning to go on a week long beach trip together just a few days from when she broke up with me.
The weirdest part is that I'm still struggling to get over her! I keep trying to date, but as I get closer to people I just think of her and can't bring myself to do it 😔
Omg, yeah. My ex broke up with me in the morning after waking while he had been sneaking around and looking through my bags like rodent.and found (regrettably) more drugs than what we were doing together, mainly because I had serious depression regarding my personal life at home and work and his distance from me. I wake up, kiss him good morning and then followed by, “I’ve been taking with my therapist for a while now about letting you go”. I’ve done a lot of talking with friends and writing (whatever that is), and I came up with this conclusion of leaving you.” And I was like…. “And how about the man you were for more than 6 years with? Didn’t think of mentioning these concerns to me when you had them?” Oh I see, a person on drugs should totally feel comfortable to confide in his spouse after work about blowing through 2 grams of coke a day, getting bored and then moving on to harder stuff. Yeah, total table conversation. Right, says the guy who has yet to verbally come out to his family and can’t stand up for himself because of his repressed childhood “relationship with God”, to which he had 100% of my love and support by the way. Fuck outta here.
Word I was right there. Our dreams were boutt to cone true. We were going to be together. And start really living. Nope he found someone new gave up on us... I die more inside everyday. ..
This just happened to me and honestly, FUCK THIS. I invited a friend to Friendsgiving the same morning. I drove over to his house for lunch since he wanted to cook for me. After he dumped me I had to CALL MY FRIEND AND UNINVITE HER AND EXPLAIN WHY BC THANKSGIVING WAS IN 3 DAYS. I didn’t even fucking get lunch!
Then I had to cancel all our Hawaii plans and inform my brother I would not be bringing a plus one - A WEEK BEFORE WE LEFT. Plane tickets he bought. Itinerary he set. Then I had to do breakup accounting because HELL if I’m not gonna make you pay for half after you pull this shit.
I sat down next to an empty chair the whole wedding ceremony. It was fucking awful. It wasn’t on purpose, just rows of 4 and families in the first row - but that fucking sucked.
He wrote me a long letter explaining his bullshit and said he welcomed any conversation about our relationship - AND THEN TOLD ME HE DIDN’T WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER. Why the hell did you write me a letter saying you welcomed a conversation if I could forgive you?!
I had been gone for work for 2 months and this was a week after I got back.
Good god. I’m 34 and that was my last chance to have a baby with a romantic partner. Considering my age and how long I need to build enough trust, I’m out of time. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLE.
I feel this so much. My partner didn’t just blindside me, but he blindsided me over text message after we’d just spent a weekend at his parents. 3 months have gone by and I still do not get it at all. It would have been one thing to get over the break up, but getting over the way he did it is the part that I’m really struggling. I will never be able to understand how you could treat someone like that. He’s emotionally unavailable and has avoidant attachment issues so I guess its right out of that playbook but that doesn’t take away the hurt I feel.
Blindsiding someone who loves and cares about you is an incredibly unfair and shitty thing to do. The impacts of getting blindsided are lasting — you have every right to still feel hurt about it. Just remember that them blindsiding you has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with them. It’s a reflection of their character and values, not yours, so hopefully that’s something you can find peace in (it has definitely helped me).
This hits hard. My wife just returned from a Business trip and told me she kissed her boss and wants to keep searching for a relationship with him. We have two kids. She is moving to Europe. I wont let mi kids alone in eurppe, Ill move there aswell. She blindsided me for a while. Im still coping with all this express new life
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I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I’m totally with you on being able to at least rationalise that their behaviour is not a reflection on you but is entirely their inability to deal with their emotions. It’s also been a way of me realising that it’s good to have gotten away from someone able to treat someone like that. I want a loving, trusting relationship with someone who can communicate. So as much as it hurts, I know it’s going to be for the best in the long run. Just can’t wait to heal from the experience so I can think about moving on.
Saturday: Introduced me to her parents Tuesday: Introduced me to one of her two teenage daughters Friday: Dumped me through a text message It was a short, whirlwind romance, so I'm trying to count myself lucky that I didn't have more time invested. But seriously, what the fuck???
>But seriously, what the fuck??? What a fucktard
I've had that happen before. Some people are fucked!
Exactly same thing happened to me. Met her kids, she said they liked me. The. she dumps me by text a few days later saying we have different ideas on family. Only a short relationship but hard to comprehend.
After 5 years together my partner blindsided me over text while I was visiting my parents and they're 2000 km away. 8 months here and counting.
Not exactly the same and somewhat similar for me. I’ve gotten past being debilitated by it (for the most part), but now I’m fucked up in a different way. Don’t think I’ll ever be able to trust in anybodys feelings like that again. So what’s the point of a relationship?
Ouch, I felt that…it’s like damn- I thought what we had was real, that we both were progressing- only to have the wool pulled over your eyes and left without any real warning
I feel you. My ex is also emotionally unavliable with avoidant attachment. It's tough loving someone who is nothing but stubborn as hell and emotionally closed off. 😩
I experienced the same thing with my ex. It hurts like hell. Not being able to communicate because someone puts up a wall before you finished your first sentence. We lived together for a year and the moment I moved out she was with somebody else. It's ripping me apart
Totally. In retrospect it totally chipped away at my self-confidence and self-worth. I totally abandoned my own needs to try to make him happy and looking back it’s quite horrifying how quickly you lose yourself
100%. I have an anxious attachment style so he ended up being my source of life (something I have to work on). I just found out about Avoidant Personality Disorder and I actually think he has that. I could never understand his actions but it makes a lot more damn sense after reading the symptoms of that.
Mine broke up with me over text too. We had just gotten back together (or so I thought) a few weeks prior. There was an issue that prevented us from previously getting back together and he said that was no longer a problem. I thought everything was going well until he started acting strange, saying he needed time apart. Then finally telling me he doesn't want a relationship. I realize it's mostly his mental health but it still hurts and I still don't fully understand.
Getting robbed of a relationship because of mental health is literally one of the worst things. 😩
Yessss avoidant attachment ppl can be the most selfish omg just like my ex literally did not see it coming and then they think they're doing the right thing like mateee
I can't believe how common this is. Four days ago I got blindsided by my bf of 6 years. The relationship was amazing and the chemistry and love were everlasting. Apparently, after covid brought our lives back and we could no longer live together, as we attent different universities, he began to feel extremely depressed. We visited each other every weekend, but this only made his unhealthy attachment grow stronger. He never said a thing and never considered we could work together and help him. This unexpressed feelings hurt him greater and greater until he could not stand them anymore. He broke up with me after a peaceful date (during wich we made plans for summer) and after spending an amazing night out with my college friends. I'm sure things would be different now, had he chosen to address his problem. I love him the most and I wish him to heal his mind and to experience the purest and most fulfilling happiness life cand offer, but I also find it unfair that such a pure love can not be lived. I'm hurt that he did not see me as an ally in his battle with mental health. I'm hurt that I got everything taken from me so unexpectedly.
Tell me why my ex girlfriend did the same thing. We went to her mom’s house. We came back for a couple of days. Then she went back up there stating she misses home so much and we should move up there. She starts acting very weird and distant, doesn’t want to call or facetime. I confront her about it. Then we break up.
I was also blindsided by my ex via text, and it was also 3 months ago. It’s so incredibly hurtful.
I feel this so much! This happened to me 22 days ago. It was going great until I found out from my employer who I had just started with, that the position they had hired me for wasn't going to work out. I told my now ex-GF about it and she proceeded to tell me that she needed space. The next day she stumped me via text by breaking it off. Her words exactly, “Hey... This isn't going to work out. While I enjoy you, I don't see us as partners.” The only reason I got for the breakup was that she was “overwhelmed” and that she couldn’t sacrifice her other commitments. She is a single mother with two kids from a previous marriage, ages 8 and 10. I don't get it, but am getting too old for these games. I figure she would have been too as we were only 3 years apart in age, and in our mid to late ’30s respectively. What’s happened to old fashion communication?
This is my boat now. I processed the breakup long ago and I forgive her for that because I understand. Feelings fade and change over time, and that's ok. What I can't process and forgive is how someone I had known for 14 years could do it over text, ignore all my calls, and then block me from her life without even a goodbye. That is the part I can't heal. How could I not be worth the proper way to end things?
I can’t afford therapy but posts like this are close enough. Thank you.
hi five 🥲
A month before it happened, we celebrated his achievements at an amazing party with all his friends and family. Three weeks before it happened, we traveled to a music festival together out of state, spending new years together where we were each other's comfort in a sea of strangers. Two weeks before it happened, we spent our usual weekend sleepover together. We demolished each other at our favorite video games and he told me he had never loved someone like he loved me before. One week before it happened, he took me out to an (expensive) restaurant of my request to celebrate me. Two days before it happened, we celebrated our 2 year anniversary together, sharing our best (and ugliest) pics together and reminiscing about how we never knew what would become of us, but we were both so grateful to have found each other. One day before it happened, we went to another concert together that we had planned as a celebration of my birthday and his new job. We held each other tight and danced the night away with all our friends. The day of the break up, we had a double date brunch with my out-of-town friends. Then he took me to our first date spot, where we relived the moments that bonded us 2 years prior. He then took me home and told me he no longer loved me - doubted me even - and couldn't stay happy in this relationship. He read me a goodbye note from his phone that was dated 3 months before he decided to end it. I spent months trying to replay every moment that could've been a reason for his feelings. Every moment that I should've predicted the end of us. Even now, with all the knowledge I have, the signs were too subtle for anyone to have seen. No matter how much "it's not you, it's me" verbiage he used, it never could've softened the blow. I'm at the point where I accept his choices, and understand that his feelings don't have to be explained; no one's do. But just because I accept that he felt like he had to make this decision for himself, doesn't mean I have to like it or even be okay with it. I'm not okay with how he did it. It shows a complete lack of emotional maturity and communication skills. We're in our late 20's and he couldn't even bother to sit down and have the tough conversations with me. To work through what he was feeling. To see that I was worth trying for. Two fucking years together. So yeah, fuck him.
This story broke my Heart and is somewhat similar to mine- I have no idea why people do this- it screams fearful avoidant or something- there is some type of issue internally because that’s legitimately not fucking normal behavior
My thoughts exactly. Knowing what I knew about him, he was always the fearful-avoidant type. I did my best to be patient and understanding, but in the end it was his own lack of emotional intelligence that caused our downfall. One thing I've learned in my own healing process is the value of interpreting your feelings enough to communicate them. No one in this world knows how to communicate and its so disheartening. Had he said something to me, I would've done so much to make it work. But he never bothered trying to fix his issues, and it's not my job to make him.
This is incredibly sad and very poignantly well written. I wish healing for you and I’m so sorry that you went through that. I honestly think when they do stuff like this that they are trying to rekindle a spark they felt once and are missing it, losing themselves and the relationship in mundanity. But… that’s not what it’s even about. The spark is fake. It’s Disney shit. It’s factionalized love that exists in fairy tales because of its idealized nature. Have you ever heard the song “The Mess Inside” by The Mountain Goats? If not, you should listen to it and read the lyrics. It’s fictional but the story is very much like what a lot of us go through here. It breaks my heart every single time I hear it. Hope you have a good day, or that you are at least on the path to better ones.
Why do they blindside and THEN try to talk it out?? It makes no sense to me. You've already decided, what's the point?
They feel guilt. They might not want to hurt you but in their minds they are acting out of self preservation.
My ex blindsided me, and then we worked it out in the SAME conversation and she agreed to try again. Problem is the damage was done, and the next day I told her I couldn’t stay together with the uncertainty and feeling unwanted. It hurt so badly to take it and then give it.
Good for you honestly, though. It takes a lot of strength in a sense of the word to resist the temptation to go through the ups and downs of trying to come back from damage like that.
As someone who had to hear the "I don't know what I want" and lived with it over my head for a while, you did the right thing. I thought that maybe that meant I had a shot, but really it meant "I don't know if I want you." The uncertainty and feeling unwanted still hurts me even though I'm trying to move on from it. I think that is one of the worth things you can do to someone that cares about you.
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Yeah it's been about a month for me and it was about a 6 year relationship. I can't say I was completely blindsided because issues had been brought up multiple times, but I felt like I was finally working on them and making the changes that were wanted. I thought that things were going to get better. The whole time I was putting 100% into the relationship. Taking care of my partner, comforting them, saying I love you and meaning it, going to their family events, and really just doing my best to make it work. Really I should have known better and not put as much time and energy into something that had been long dead. Really I shouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I shouldn't have been blindsided, but it's hard with rose-tinted glasses. Still hurts to lose something that I put so much into and for it to have been so abrupt. Really didn't help that it was right before my birthday. I'm in a similar boat because the changes I was making are still positive and I'm finally not only feeling like myself and actually happy, but I'm dedicating myself to me and being the person I want to be. While it sucks to see so many other people in pain, I'm glad that we're all coming to understand how to be our best and that we don't need the other person to do that.
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Because people nowadays are indecisive. They want to explore their avenues and have the relationship as a fall back if the grass isn’t greener on the outside.
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Lack of empathy is a growing concern in modern society.
Late response but…I don’t know if it’s just lack of empathy. It also has a lot to do with selfishness and a lack of fortitude IMO. You can feel terrible about something, but if you have bought into the idea of “doing what’s best for ME” or “I don’t owe them anything” (two concepts that have some shred of truth, but can just as easily be used as an excuse for shitty behavior), blindsiding someone and then dipping out on them is the preferred option. It is “your right,” but that doesn’t mean that it’s the right thing to do. It is however the *easy thing to do.* A person more concerned with fairness would take a little more of the pain and discomfort to ensure that their partner is cared for, even if things are coming to an end. But hey, why own your half of the breakup (as well as what you’re putting the other person through) when you can paint your soon to be ex black, dump them out of the blue, post some pics of your new ideal life on Instagram for validation and hop on a dating app to fill the hole?! /s
"nowadays"
Because people are cowards.
100% my ex even admitted he was gutless. 😂
I feel like a lot of the time, they're not only trying to convince you that everything is okay, but most of all they're trying to convince themselves as well. Especially if you're a loving and caring partner, maybe they feel like they owe it to you to stay in the relationship and want to convince themselves it'll work. They try not to hurt you, but really they end up hurting you **so** much more in the end. It's selfish, cowardly and such an awful thing to do, and it doesn't make it right.. but sometimes they really are just trying to convince themselves everything is okay.
In my opinion, a lot of us in this generation were raised from a broken home (parenting issues) that left so much scars on us growing up (childhood trauma or attachment issues) communication will never be a strong suit unfortunately (never learned it), so we go around trying to live “the normal wounded life” just how we see it, getting in a relationship when we are so emotionally wounded inside (trust issues, no self-love, avoidance, emotionally closed off) so we ended up breaking the partner just like we were broken as a child. Now unfortunately, a lot of us will go on a relationship with this person and eventually it will come to its end in their terms, left feeling blindsided. We got to go through this break up because we love, trust and comfort that “wounded soul” without they giving us a warning sign or there may be signs but we choose to ignore it out off love too.
My ex-husband made the unilateral decision for both of us one day that “it wasn’t working” and left me for a colleague about six weeks later. When I asked him about therapy he said “it won’t work” and that was the end of that. Ten years later he’s DMing me about how he’s miserable and still in love with me and made a “catastrophic error” when he left me. Well shit, mate, if at any time you’d let me in on what was going on, or tried couple’s therapy instead of writing it off, maybe you could have figured that out BEFORE you ended up in a new marriage with a kid you didn’t really want. As it stands, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself.
This was refreshing to hear. Sometimes people are just mentally unstable and indecisive. They don’t know what’s best for themselves or have the common decency to properly communicate.
A bit late but I agree. They think the grass is greener and don't even try to talk it out with you and dump you like you meant nothing to them. I hope you are thriving
not only blindsided me but 2 weeks after he came on a free vacation with me and my family, through text, blocked me after, on prom weekend, and then went with the girl he told me not to worry about. they’re dating now :)
THIS! he said he always, always had doubts but was afraid to communicate to me about anything on the off charge be might hurt me so he kept pussyfooting around until it he kept it in for so long he lost feelings. Even though he said i gave him plenty of opportunities to speak up, he chose not to. Even though he put me in a comfortable position that the relationship was working out during the times he said so he later turned around with " actually things aren't, I lied because i didn't want to hurt your feelings." " I didn't want to hurt your feelings." That, is a shitty excuse to not communicate. If you are committed, if you really care and love that person. There should be no fear in the way of communication. I told him something really personal of something that I did , even though i knew he wouldn't of liked hearing it. Regardless i still told him, followed by a promise i made. Followed by the many times i told him an any issues i had. Because i wanted this relationship to grow, something he couldn't understand.
I'm still struggling with this. EVERYTHING he does, apparently he's only doing "to make you feel better" or "not to hurt your feelings" but it's making it SO MUCH WORSE. He was questioning. Didn't tell me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He was treating me with love and affection and warmth up until the moment he broke it off. Because he wanted to protect my feelings and "leave nice memories." He had intended to do this up until the moment we parted ways. I expressed before in couple's therapy that I missed some of his behavior - he REALLY upped the ante and even started giving me things I had always asked for but he had previously shrugged off. It really, really drew me in. Why would he want to break my heart like that? He wanted to make me feel amazing.... up until he planned on splitting. He still tries to chit chat, bring me food, I ask why? He wants to make me feel better. He wants to be friends and is really emotional about it. I agree but it starts getting really hard being around him so I ask for just a little space and compassion about my feelings right now. He shuts completely off - no talking, no emoting, doesn't even look up at me, just headphones in all the time, ignoring me. I ask why he shut completely off? Where did his feelings go? Doesn't think showing his feelings is good for me. Decided to completely bottle up and hardcore distract to make me feel better. We have a long heart-to-heart and I get him to open up. It gives me a lot of hope for reconciliation - nothing seems to be set in stone. We chat briefly a couple days later, it didn't really do anything for him, he was only talking to make me feel better. I feel like I just can't get his real opinion or desires. He'll say anything to make me "feel better" but it's fucking up my healing so badly. I can't tell what's real, what he's just saying, and I can't get any deeper understanding or CLOSURE. Are we even breaking up? Idk, because he said he wants to try again in a year, "and I only say a year because that's how long a lease lasts" (I'm moving back to my parents in another city and he's getting an apartment alone here, so he means he wants to revisit being/living together when it's time to evaluate his living situation). So... he wants to try again? Or does he? Fucking messing with my head.
I’m gonna be direct here. Have some self respect and end this. You’re being used.
I second the “no.” Get outta this. Getting consistent communication, affection, and honesty from an avoidant person is like trying to get water from a rock. There is some in there, but no strategy is going to yield a consistent supply. You’ll drive yourself mad trying. Nothing you do is going to flip the switch. Change requires that they come to understand their own behavior and take actionable steps to change it themselves. Move on!
Same happened to me but ex is female and I am male. I feel it’s less common among women for them to be emotionally avoidant and not really know or understand how to process things and discuss them frankly but… of course I always happen to attract them. And this one was rough because she presented as though she *wasn’t* like that for months, so I barely noticed any red flags in that sense
As I said to my ex, I always rather hurt with the truth then to be spoonfed lies. I try my best to always be 100% honest, unbelievable that people can't do the same!
I guess we’re all here for the same reason. I got dumped while in military tech school. I received the call the day after she got home from flying out to see me. Coward 💯
It’s not fucking fair. They get to skip the whole grieving and longing process and move on, all the while your trust in others and confidence in yourself is plummeting to the ground. I asked my ex how he’s doing the other day and it absolutely broke me when he said he was doing good. On the other hand, I’ve been losing weight rapidly and struggling to do the most mundane tasks. I feel so weak that even going up the stairs of my home feels like a workout now. I wish it was as hard on him as it was on me.
Fucking this. Knowing my ex was probably going through the grieving stages while we were still together while making out we still had a future!
Super sick, my boyfriend said he was thinking about it back and forth for a month lmaooo like what Why did you acted so lovey dovey until right before breaking up with me then. Something deeply wrong there
precisely why act lovey dovey instead of being mature and having a difficult conversation? why act lovey dovey before breaking up. that’s just messed up.
No because they’re selfish, but karma will bite their ass :*virtual hug*: so proud of you for never giving up, not everyone is like that
I hope this karma exists, as it's the only way they will understand how bad is the pain
1,000 percent…sometimes I struggle to believe in karma, everyone pays the piper, but it’s true
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Yeah fuck that. Such a cowardly way out
My ex is same. I'll ask him what's going on in his head and he will be like, "I can't pinpoint it exactly". 🙄
This!!! The “I don’t know” and “I can’t explain it” 🙄😤
The hardest part is acknowledging that a part of me knew it was over, but the rest of me didn't want to admit it. Struggling for years to keep a boat from sinking was so taxing when the other person was at best not doing anything and at worst poking holes in the boat. You'll find someone who is not only worth fighting for, but will fight for you.
I'm not here to defend anyone who has done this (because it happened to me as well). People are scared. That's what we do as humans. People are afraid of communication (I was). People are afraid of things. People get stuck in their heads. It does suck. Believe me. I was devastated. But I love her for who she is regardless. That's her journey. Maybe one day she will work on that and not do it to another partner. Or I pray to god it doesn't happen to her one day. If I stay angry at her, I am the exact cycle of what she did to me. So I'm breaking the cycle.
Yea this. I’m not saying being dumped doesn’t hurt like THE DICKENS, but it’s always a grey area. I often communicated with my partners that there were issues. But I would stay trying to 100% give them the chance to work on changing— and then get blamed when I want to leave for not… leaving sooner. Shouldn’t I have tried? Shouldn’t I have seen if it was really getting better? Shouldn’t I have been waiting to see the effort? Wasn’t that the point of talking? My ex who was an alcoholic snapped about me ending things like this post says— but i had talked with him about concerns over and over, talked and tried to get him to do therapy, or go outside, or show me our relationship is a priority. And then when I calmly tried to again come to a resolution honestly? I just snapped. I felt horrible, but I said we’re done. We are done for good. It was driving me insane to keep having the same conversation and seeing no effort. But I still love him. Just because he and I aren’t “together” doesn’t mean i dont want him to get better or find happiness. Doesn’t mean i get excited thinking he is unwell. Did I really love him if I ultimately want his demise? I don’t want him to hurt someone like this, I want him to stop drinking and lead a good life. I want his happiness but he was hurting me and someone else I love ALOT… sometimes talking isn’t working and I think we all should be a little less angry and more compassionate about breakups. They’re hard and embarassing for everyone involved.
Right?! My ex and I sat down and talked it out AFTER the fact. Didn't matter then, but we wanted to clear the air, and I wanted to understand (I still don't). I was 100% committed to the relationship -- for life even. Now I am forever broken, all because he didn't have the conversation with me BEFORE he ended things. I didn't see any major issues, nothing that couldn't be talked about anyway. I can't even hate him, cause I'm such a good person. Gah.
Yup same situation in that we talked it out after. I feel bad for them, because they’ll never be able to have a happy relationship with that way of thinking.
I would love to know if any of these kinds of dumpers ever had it happen to them afterwards…maybe they got it then
The thing is, we seek out a love that feels familiar, not a love that’s good for us. People like these dumpers have an abandonment issue and tend to abandon others before they abandon them. It’s a self-preservation thing. Furthermore, some people can’t handle being treated well. It makes them uncomfortable and guilty because they feel deep down they don’t deserve to be treated well and have poor self esteem.
What you just wrote is a very real thing…and I didn’t know this was a real thing until I experienced my blindside breakup. There are a LOT of hurt people out there- but not just hurt- but hurt that don’t and won’t work on themselves before or during a relationship- much easier to run
Early on my ex said "I don't deserve to be treated this well". Did my dumbass question it? Of course not. I simply reassured her that she did and continued to spoil her.
You’re not dumb for treating someone you love well. You’re not dumb for ignoring that red flag, because everyone has at least one. You’re not dumb for wanting to be loved just as much as you loved her. Continue to be yourself in relationships, as one day you’ll have someone that will fall for you and how you treat them.
Every time I would say how great he was my ex would respond with "I'm not as good of a person as you think I am" God I wish I would have listened to him on that. But it did lead to a new dating rule for me listen when they tell you who they are.
Haha yep... We are the ones who go through life taking the brute reality and we still show a caring heart. The people who harm us just because they think they can will get their day. Trust me they will suffer and we will just ricochet their pain they caused us. Soon it will be nothing but soon they will be in a world of hurt from their own actions.
Dumpers really don’t think about the repercussions of their actions on the other person. I do sometimes wonder if they put themselves in our shoes for a day and felt the pain that we feel, would they still pull the trigger?
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When I didn't take my ex up on her offer to be friends she said that she understood, but would prefer that we weren't bitter strangers. I spoiled the shit out of her and she mentioned it quite often... what in the everloving fuck did she have to be bitter about? What a trip.
For me it's usually they're to busy crushing on their new partner. Why TF are they gonna care about how I feel when they're busy having fun with their new girl? Also, I'm willing to bet dumpers are not high Fe users.
I recently read a reddit post by a woman who had just experienced her first dumping. She said she was so shocked at how painful it was because she had never experienced it before and had absolutely NO idea how it felt. Never happened to her until then. She was maybe 20s.
I’m 25, female and been dumped for the first time (my first relationship) and I can honestly say I’ve never experienced emotional pain like this. This pain has changed me. I don’t know who I am anymore.
My partner blindsided me after 5 and a half years. 5 of which we lived together. He wanted to go fuck another girl so he dumped me. It's really amazing how someone can just throw away a relationship with someone who's willing to take all their physical and emotional abuse for the rest of their life just to go fuck someone else. Anyway, he's in my past and I'm over him. He's single now cause the girl that he went to fuck told him not to come back because she's already engaged to someone else and the girl that he tried to date after me stopped dating him in less than a month. So he can enjoy being alone while I move on to make someone else happy.
This really does suck doesn’t it. My ex blindsided me after 5 years (living together 4). Apparently some guy I didn’t know about slipped between the cracks in our relationship and she entertained it. She left me for him and rubbed it in my face. I was devastated. But I was in a somewhat similar situation with a previous ex, minus the living together, so I knew exactly what I needed to do and what mistakes to avoid making. The next day when she was at work I had some people over, packed up all my shit and moved out. Started NC and blocked her on all social media and her phone number (she literally has no way to contact me now). She made her decision so that’s how I keep the power and heal. Its been 5 months now and I have no idea what’s going on in her life and she has no clue about mine. But I bet she wonders if she made a mistake.
It's good to hear you did the right thing and left her behind. If people can't appreciate what they have then they don't deserve it.
I'm sorry for what you've been through. I recently had a moment of clarity, where I understood that my boyfriend has been cheating on me, so yes, I broke the rule about not dumping the person by text. I did it because he is a manipulative narcissist, has cheated on me once before and talked me back into the relationship with lots of sweet talk and promises that I knew I would not be able to believe now and did not want to go through the mental torment of it, being told I'm crazy or insecure when I'm not. Before breaking up with him, I ran the evidence of his cheating past my friends, as well as an online support group, so no less than 20 or 30 people agreed, unanimously, that he was definitely cheating and I should kick him to the curb. I've been no contact with him for about a week now, despite his sending flowers and voicemails and emails, but I'm not a bit sorry about how I did it. I had to protect my mental health.
I’ll never understand why people just can’t be upfront and talk about things.
Really? I told my partner how sad I was and that I felt that they weren't interested. I am still interested. We used to text like every hour of every day. Now it's been 3. Still no word. He has all of my contact info. This is the third time. He doesn't have a great memory. However I feel that I've done more of the learning.
It's different if you've already communicated how you were feeling and there were no changes on their part to make you feel like your needs were being met. You weren't being met half way and that's not on you. <3
100% this. Say it louder for the people in the back. None of us deserved this.
My gf of **a year and a half** waited till I had to leave the country for stuff before she broke up with me over a phone call a month later. This trip is incredibly stressful for me, which she knew, and one of the only things keeping me going was knowing I had someone waiting for me. Now I just feel so fucking empty. We never even got a chance to talk this out in person because she'd rather the cowards way out. Up till now every time we were apart we'd talk for hours on the phone daily. A week or two before she broke up she started to slowly cut communications or keep calls to no more than 10 mins max. I should've known it was coming. Every time she had to go home for the holidays, etc, I was always there for her thru call or text. Now when I needed her most she took it as a chance to cut me loose? Who the fuck *does* that?
it's always funny when they do it too isn't it. Literally, wait until you're in a stressful or bad spot in life and instead of working through it they bail.
Yep, planned out to cause maximum pain and suffering.
THIS👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 my situation exactly
Blindsided. and left for another guy after she said she developed feelings for me. Said I was a great guy, possibly better than the guy she emotionally cheated on with, but a relationship with me wasn't worth it (was worth it when I was helping her get through college and shit). She was and still is a narcissistic, selfish piece of shit who would do whatever it takes to get her things done, even if it means leading a guy on for 3 years with false promises just so she could get the help she needed.
Ugh, we were engaged after almost 6 years together and planning our wedding. He was planning to move in with me and had just been approved and the lease was made up for us to sign. I cooked dinner for us (honey Dijon chicken thighs, Parmesan green beans, duck fat roasted potatoes)and he came over, we sat down to eat, and he ate his food super fast and then said “hey I’m not really feeling this relationship anymore. I don’t think we should keep seeing each other. I’ll come by later to get my stuff and the ring”. He left and I was like 3 bites into my dinner lmao. He could have let me finish eating first.
I’m sorry to laugh at this but the way you told the story including the self-effacing “lmao” and the needless but delicious-sounding retelling of what you cooked actually made me crack up laughing. You sound fun.
He loved giving excuses. Except he was really bad at them. You could tell he had shit up his sleeve. When things were feeling off to me, I'd ask him what's up. He'd say nothing. After several conversations of what the fuck his intentions with me are, he says he doesn't know what to do in life, he doesn't feel like enough for me, he thinks I'll leave him, he thinks I love someone else or even that he's thinking about his past relationships. The amount of reassurance i gave him on those days literally went wasted. The following day he would end things with me. And he would not change his mind, he just wanted to end things. I cringe about how much I use to beg for him to rethink everything, telling him I love him, y'know that stuff. Eventually he'd come back, telling me I gotta deal with him being rude and careless towards me if I wanted him. His new excuse for being like that was because he thinks love just isn't for him or that he's lost feelings or tired of love. It's so, SO dumb i accepted so much shit and settled down with it thinking I did something.
Same with my ex and when I use to pull him up for it, he would get shitty with me making out he isn't making excuses then I'd cave and back down. That's time I'll never get back. 🤷♀️
Yep just got out of one of these 2 months ago. The day before she was blowing up my phone about I can’t wait to see you tomorrow. Next day completely different person and does this. It’s funny cuz she said to me she had abandonment issues and then does this. “If I do something that makes you mad or uncomfortable can you tell me”. Didn’t do any of that for me. Dumped me twice out of nowhere for different reasons. First one she admitted she overreacted. I was dumb to give her another chance after being dumped on text at work. Oh well live and learn…
Bro literally (just one instance) my ex wore my academy hoody, said she missed me, and planned 2 dates with me and then the next morning was like yeah I can’t do this…like wtf?
At the beginning of our brief relationship I explained to my ex that I have abandonment issues. She said that she wanted to be a safe space for each other and that if she ever made me feel unsafe, I should tell her. Fast forward a month and a half, she got upset about something and her tone changed. I told her that her withdrawal of affection was activating my abandonment anxiety. She ignored me for 12 hours and then blamed me for abandoning myself and accused me of withdrawing affection for not wishing her goodnight. Yeah, that didn't turn out the way I had been led to expect it would. The conversations above were through text, as was her dumping me with no effort made at talking things through.
He literally said to me while tearing up one time that he loved me so much and if there was anything ever wrong in the relationship to tell him because he does not want to ever lose me 😑, he made me promise and then he goes ahead and does this
Wow I actually needed to see this. My ex blindsided me and broke up with me over text. I saw the signs and thought she was busy or stressed out over stuff. Next thing I found out was that she already had a replacement and was talking to him during our relationship. I hurted and I still suffer from anxiety and depression while she won't talk to me anymore.
The biggest reason I am internally pissed at my ex is that not once did she sit down with me and communicated the doubts she was having about our relationship. Instead she kept going with me as if everything is good and one day when she was totally comfortable with the breakup, she told me about everything.
It’s a mix of being a coward, feeling guilty, wanting to push through unsureness and not make a split-second decision… but it ends up feeling like a “blindside” because we don’t know (and they won’t tell) their side of the story.
We went to a fair together with a group of friends and had a great time. Then you decide to end it by saying you don't see yourself loving me the way I love you and I deserve someone that does. You wanted to "rip the band-aid" instead of talking and trying to work it out like a couple should. 1 week after our trip to Disney. 1 week after you surprised me with tickets to universal after Disney. 1 week after confessing to you saying i love you. 1 week after I wake up and the first thing i see is you saying "happy birthday!" Before we leave to go back home I gave you everything I had emotionally. I was looking at our bright future. I saw us being forever. While I couldn't be mad because I understand her that well and why she's done all that she has....it feels so good knowing someone is getting mad for me. Someone broke my heart and hurt me and someone gets mad for me. Thank you so much
Omg this hit me all the way into my core. I was on the receiving end of this exact scenario at one point. That hurt and doubt in myself has never really left since then. It’s unbelievable that this isn’t a rare occurrence. I’m sorry for anyone else who has experienced this, my heart breaks for each of you.
Thank you, at least somehow I feel my pain is justified. At least someone understands. The betrayal, the hopelessness, helplessness, the questioning of my own sanity of they ever loved us. And most important, not being given a fighting chance, after 4 years, I guess I meant that little to her.
Whenever I think of all the things he meant to me and how great he is. I focus on how much I would have fought for this and he didn’t. I think of how he could have been straightforward earlier and we could have solved whatever it was, I would have done anything, but he didn’t. If they didn’t love us then good riddance because we don’t need that level of fakeness in our lives. however, what’s most likely is that they did love us and they just couldn’t fight for it because they were too scared or they were anxious and wanted to leave instead of trying. We deserve a person that is a fighter and that is not a coward.
I feel you. My ex and I had a perfect last day together. She spent the night and I made us breakfast in the morning. We went to bakery for some treats and cuddled up to watch a movie. Then we took a nap together and picked up groceries to make one of our favorite dinners. Suddenly, a conversation went bad and she revealed she didn't a future together where we would both be happy. She told me how I would answer questions she never asked me. She told me what my feelings were. This came as a complete and total shock to me. I disagreed. I tried to compromise. I tried to find a solution or a middle ground, but her mind was made up. I was so willing to work to keep her, but she wouldn't budge. She flawlessly hid her doubts and led me along like everything was okay. Only an hour before she was buying her favorite cereal for when she spent the night next weekend. To hide feelings strong enough to end a relationship is the ultimate betrayal of your partner's trust. I can understand dumping someone after communicating your needs/doubts and giving both parties time to think. Yes, it will still suck for the dumpee, but at least they had a warning, maybe a chance to correct their behavior or ponder what really is important to them in life. My ex decided I would hate living in the city without ever seriously asking me if I wanted to live in the city. The sad part is, I was totally willing to try and she wouldn't let me... Fuck her.
Yup this is shitty and indicative of something wrong mentally, imo. These stories all seem to happen in very similar ways, it’s really striking. Making up answers in their minds to problems they never brought up… it happens so often. And it does seem like mostly women do this particular thing. Men who blindside don’t really go this route from most of the stuff you read if you stick around here long enough. Both kinds of blindsiding are bad but at least with men you can just be like “well they’re just fucking dumb,” which is mostly true. With women it really does seem like there’s something going on that is specific to them. Not *always*, and maybe I’ll catch flak for pointing this out but… yeahhhh.
Idk. I just wish I could have talked with her about it and evaluated the options on an even keel. It seems she was quick to throw away something so amazing over so little. At the end of the day, I guess I loved her more than she loved me and valued our relationship more than she did. I couldn't get her to admit to it, but I think a fear of commitment also contributed. All of her friends are single, so I can't help but think living with a boyfriend would be a burden to her social life. Might as well keep living at home and continue to let her Mom be her servant.
Fuck avoidants!
I can’t bring myself to have any animosity towards my ex but this is exactly what happened and it sucks. Being told about how long they thought about it for, and in the same time period seeing all the words of affirmation, love, and laughs towards you is such a betrayal of trust. Hurts to not have had a single conversation about what was going on. At the end of the day all I can do is focus on myself now and remind myself that if they can do it once it’ll probably happen again, there’s no purpose of trying to rekindle what was there.
It’s such a mind fuck. Like he didn’t have to be so nice and caring and loving. Like I wish I could tell him “dude you could have taken it down a notch once you were planning on breaking up with me a month before.” I have just come to the conclusion that they just deeply hurt people and it comes from a selfish place cause they don’t want to feel like a “bad person” or rejected. Well, he might not be a bad person overall, but he is a bad person to me. Never again.
Yup 3,5 years... sends me intimate video that day and kisses and hugged me later at work shouting she loves me. Dumped via txt on her first break , 2 hours after I seen her. Coward
I am glad this post exists, thank you.
The worst is when they do this after a 12 years spent together and they just say that they don't love you anymore and walk away. And the moment they exit the door, you are a perfect stranger and they behave like you never knew each other. You are left with nothing but pain and they start to live their happy new life
My God. I feel this way with my ex of 2.5. I could not imagine the pain of 12 years! I'm sorry hun! ❤️
Needed to read this. Thank you. Was with my GF for 6 years. She blindsided me 2 weeks ago after she had been having thoughts for “a couple months” in her words. The 1st time I heard about these feelings was when she broke up with me as soon as I got back from being away from her for a week. It’s just terrible knowing they felt a certain way but could not communicate her feelings at all (she’s never been a good communicator so I should’ve seen it coming.) it’s honestly just really frustrating & something I will never understand, especially if you’re with someone for a long time and you “love” them. Feelings change and what not which is fine, and some relationships are meant to end, but being fucking blindsided like that hurt more than actually losing her…..
I will say that sometimes we have doubts but we shouldn't voice all these doubts and sometimes people need to think things through a bit before bringing something to their partner for sure. But there's a point that they just end up lying and leading the other person on which isn't okay.
Right on.
I was blind sided and dumped via Snapchat 2 months ago. 2 years and no indication she was going to break up with me. Despite all of that I don’t hate her, I asked if she wanted to discuss it in person at the time and she said no. I messaged her (probably a stupid idea) about 3 weeks back and asked if we could meet up and just discuss things and she rejected it again. A part of me still wants to meet one last time but I feel like she’s worried she might get too emotional if we meet in person hence why she did it over Snapchat
Hey this happened to me exactly over text as well. Almost 8 years together (uhg) and talking about marriage and loving each other within days of this long text. Completely blindsided and destroyed me. Then he refused to even talk to me or give me explanations. Just yelled at me over the phone. Now months later he’s been trying to reach out to apologize. Like dude. You hurt me without thinking about how painful it would be after a decade of knowing each other. Really ripped into my heart because of your inability to communicate.. yeah I’m conflicted
You deserve better! Mine was after 8 years (and being friends prior to those 8 years too) and making plans for our future together and if he ever tries to reach out again he’s going to be told to back off and stay away. He should have talked it out and tried to fix things instead of blindsighting you like that without a care in the world for all that time you’ve known each other :(
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You really don't deserve that treatment. Very unfair to you, but remember -- this is a decision that he'll live with. You can sleep easy at night knowing you wouldn't do the same thing. :)
This happened to me. We met up a week later to exchange some things and I told him how selfish he was. I felt bad for saying it but it just came out. I was so mad. He had the audacity to tell me he understood how I felt because he’s broken up this way before. Like are you fucking kidding me? If you knew how this felt, why would you do it to someone else? I’m still bitter over this. The sadness has subsided but the anger is still there.
There were numerous times during the last couple of months that we were together that I felt something was off. My ex has pretty bad anxiety so I always liked to talk to her about any issues she may have been dealing with/wanted to discuss. She would always tell me that "everything with us is great, it's just other things." Then when she broke up with me, she told me she had been feeling conflicted about us for months. So all those times she said that we were great, she was lying. If she had been honest, I would have done whatever it took to work things out. But maybe that's what she was afraid of. During the breakup, I asked her why she didn't talk to me about these feelings before, when she began to notice them. She said because if she had said them out loud to me sooner, the breakup probably would have happened a lot sooner. Maybe she had to be absolutely sure it was the right move first, or maybe she was preparing herself, making sure she was completely checked out before pulling the trigger. Or maybe she was trying to work through those feelings on her own hoping she could make them go away. Either way, whether she had ended things in January or March it's still the same to me. I am kind of glad we got the chance to have one more perfect day together before it ended though.
This truly hits home for me, as it just happened a couple weeks ago. Out of nowhere.
omg #facts this is so spot on! the extent of damage i'm in range from many things of him and this is one of it, it really kills you and somehow unable to wrap your head around it... just crazy, horrid hell. when i say i love you, its forever, i hate that people say love but then ends it like wtf, love doesn't just end! esp one which lasted 5 years and then you ghost them after saying less than 10 words to bu with them when there's such a future planned and am in waiting for, all the assurance for shit brokenness back. sheeesh, this is horrible horrible horrible. :'(
I know you were devastated and that's horrible, plunging you into devastation. I blindsided both of us (3 year rs) with breaking up just after we'd had a sexy shower. I'd wanted him to be my life partner but had felt him pulling away in the last year and when I asked what our future was he told me he didn't want to "live with anyone", so I ended it. I'd told him 4 months prior that I wanted a 5 year plan to live together and his response was "oh, right" and didn't mention it again. He never talked about us throughout the final 2 years and he'd clearly used deceit by omission to keep me in his life.
I mean you brought up the issue and even wanted a plan to move forward so you're not in the wrong here. If he didnt communicate back or haggle or anything I don't see any problem with just leaving him at your convenience. Hell he's keeping you in his life at a convenience so might as well dump him at your earliest convenience.
Jesus fucking Christ. This was the end of my relationship. Telling me she doesn’t know what she would do without me, then poof. But then she comes back and needs help. I just wanted a family, and a home. Fuck knows what she wants, definitely doesn’t put her child into the equation.
She broke up with me over the phone multiple times. Sometimes even through a text message. Completely blindsided. Throughout the last couple years I made sure all her needs were met. I worried about her. I wanted her to flourish. She was looking for a way to monkeybranch to somebody else the whole time. I was so depressed throughout the majority of that relationship. When I got out of the relationship it took some work on myself to be ok again eventually coming to the realization she was making me depressed.
Agreed being blindsided is like being suckerpunched by your best friend/partner/lover, etc Now time for my pity story... Was getting married in less than a week. Partner just got back from a short work trip, during which she texted every morning and night with love and support and asked how making the wedding playlist was going. Everything seemed on track. Other than she said she had gotten a UTI during her trip. The next day she tells me she had an affair over her trip with a coworker and had been flirting for some time. Tells me that's not the real issue though the real issue is I drove her to the affair for a laundry list of BS reasons that were rarely or never discussed. I take in the information try to tell her that we should cancel the wedding and seek couples therapy. She talks like this is a good thing but says she doesn't believe I would ever forgive her, but there was some hesitation like she wanted to see where this relationship with the other guy went (I can reply to comments if you are interested in this pos. For example, he is married still although she thinks the divorce went through about a month ago). I have to get myself and my thoughts together, so I rent a hotel room for the night. She flies off to her parents unexpectedly that night and I come to the conclusion that I needed to get out of our condo fast. I found a place to live and moved my stuff while she was at her parent's in like 4 days. She is back at our condo now and we have been in NC since I moved. Must admit I am very unclear on where she stands since she did seem to like the idea of couples counseling. Probably doesn't matter though, obviously the best thing for me to do is move on.
All of this. My ex-fiance of 4 years let me give up my apartment, job, car, friends, and move to Birmingham freaking Alabama for him. He gave no indication of what he was thinking, even allowing me to spend all of my extra money on Xmas gifts for him, and saying that he loved me a mere 5 minutes before he broke my heart on Christmas Day 2020. Then I managed to talk him into couples therapy, that required me to make weekly trips back to Birmingham from Atlanta to try and fix this. As it turns out he was just stringing me along long enough to get one last birthday present out of me before ghosting me before my birthday. Part of me almost hopes CJ is reading this
What a damaged piece of shit... I'm so sorry you endure that.
Thank you so much for this post; it is so nice to be validated after I thought I was losing my mind! When I sensed him pulling away, he laughed at me when I confronted him about it and said everything was fine, he was just “stressed” about taking his board exam 😒 Low and behold, he discarded me a week after he took his exam after I wasted all that support and mental energy on him during that time.
Thank you so much /u/z0mgn0es This totally applies to my case. Dumped in very harsh circumstances, similar to what you wrote. I pray to get better from this and to overcome the sadness one day. One day at a time.
You deserve all the love in life. <3 It'll be okay.
Yup, everything was great until it wasn’t. He wasn’t he gonna say anything until I brought up his inconsistencies and felt that something was off. And, as of yesterday, I see him on dating apps again and he literally came up as my most compatible partner. So embarrassing.
Thank you for posting this. Made me tear up and remind me how much he sucks. Booked a whole trip and planning tattoos to breaking up out of the blue and apparently had doubts for weeks. Cool, thanks for booking flights and shit when you were losing feelings.
This just happened to me. A week tomorrow. After 6.5 years of thinking about everything is fine, now I’ve lost my home, my partner, my best friend, and 2 of my dogs. We just talked about marriage, getting a new home, starting a family, and suddenly she hadn’t loved me for years and couldn’t wait to move out. I’m so lost and confused.
Blind sided me after 9.5 years together, and 1 year into our engagement. Said it was all my fault. fuck him.
I am sorry this has happened to you. I too, was blindsided after 29 years. I have been struggling over the last two years and can’t pull myself out.
This is exactly what happened with me. I was going out to visit her and she messaged me saying we needed to talk. I finished my errands and went home to call her. She said she has alot going on and just doesn't have romantic feelings for me. She loves me but isn't in love with me anymore. She came from a very toxic relationship and had a child. I want to think, since I was her first healthy relationship in a long time if ever, she had too much on her plate and pushed me away. We were together almost two years. We didn't live together. I know people from toxic relationships will cut people off and push away if it'd going good because they're afraid of being hurt when something "bad" comes up. I'm hoping between that, her plate being full from life hitting all at once (when it rains it pours situation) that she pushed me away because she didn't know how to handle a healthy relationship. I questioned everything, and still do, about it all and nothing makes sense. I thought it was going great. I loved her and her daughter. Now I have nothing but pain and questions that won't answer. She won't talk to me unless it's through messages. It's time to give her the space she wants, let her focus on herself and see how the future pans out
If it’s gotten to the point of breaking up, it’s not going to be a problem that can be over come by talking it out. Do you even want to be with some one you’ve had to convince to stay with you? Probably not right
The entire point is to talk about things before they reach the breakup point. It's not about convincing someone to stay, it's about having an opportunity to show how important the relationship is to us before it goes that far. I got blamed for not meeting wants and needs that I was never even told about.
In addition to the “being punished for not mind reading,” unexplained boundaries drive me nuts
Absolutely. In one of her breakup texts she alluded to me being too handsy... it was the first time she'd said anything about it.
Right, but that doesn’t change that they either created a problem in their head that they potentially overcomplicated and overthought until it subjectively eclipsed their feelings, or they just disengaged without communicating how they felt or that they didn’t actually want to put the effort in. It’s not fair and it’s not right, but they still do it. These people we supposedly have similar values with would never have done that. We may have even had conversations in the past about never doing something like that to the other person, or that we’d always be there for them. The fact of the matter is that they lied; whether they see it that way or not.
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Not to the same level as you. I am so sorry. But it was similar in that I couldn’t wait to kiss him cause we hadn’t seen each other in person in a while and I didn’t thought anything was wrong cause he was being such lovey dovey still through text and calling every day and stuff. We were going to go eat. Nope. Nothing, just break up. There is something seriously wrong with people like this, now I can see that. Kind of just feel bad for him at this point.
Thank you for posting this. I didn't realize how long this would be affecting me. What a horrible thing he did
My ex invited me over to talk about ways we could make our long distance situation work better. When I got there, he broke up with me on the spot. There was no discussion or build up. I didn't even know our long distance relationship was affecting him badly. He gave me no indication he was unhappy. It sucks cause in their mind they've slightly moved on a bit. Whereas your brain just goes into panic mode.
Same. They already moved on and done all the grieving while you are just hit with this and so of course we are on “want to fix it” mode. Weird people.
Thanks I'm sending him this when he breaks contact
This post, the timing of this is impeccable. I really needed to see this in words, thank you.
I'd say I had the worst type of blindside. She texted her cousin that we broke up, I only found out by reading that text myself (FB messenger, we had both of our accs on both phones). Worst part is, I found out a month after we both signed a 1 year lease and she expected me to move out while I had nowhere to go and I had accepted a low paying job (she was working a good paying job) for the schedule, not the pay, so that we only needed a babysitter maybe 2-4 days a week for only 4 hours a day. So I couldn't even afford to get my own place. We still live together, we moved in in Sept 2021. I have since quit the job because I was overwhelmed and now I am pretty much her live at home babysitter/maid. Oh and recently she's been having me sleep in the same bed (our son sleeps in bed with her/us), idk what that's all about but I only do it on days she works so that I can sleep throughout the night w/o being woken up, cause she gets up at 4 for work and normally I sleep on the couch. Sorry bout the random rant... Will prob delete this later.
You're in a safe space. Rant away if you need to. :)
I was with her for 7 years. Over the course of weeks/months she withdrew. Suddenly 1 word answers. Last message I sent her, "I miss you." Left on read for 3 years. She resurfaced and posted an engagement photo on instagram a month ago. Looks like it worked out for her in the end. Meanwhile I'm still depressed 3 years later.
I was blindsided with a divorce via text. It was after a fight and she left to her mother's, but it was the only major fight we had ever had. Never had any discussions prior on her being unhappy enough with things to want a divorce. She already had my replacement lined up a couple of weeks later, so that was most likely it. Still an incredibly cruel and cowardly way to end a relationship.
What do you do when this happens, then they turn around and want you back. They apologize and want to work on themselves, but you can't unsee the lack of love they had for you all that time. I'm so confused, and feel more hurt because I don't know what's right for me...
This literally just happened to me. Three years with my first love and I’m supposed to accept two short conversations as finality when I anticipated a summer filled with love and hope. I didn’t expect this to last forever, but I didn’t think it’d end so soon. The last she saw of me was a desperate, weeping mess. I’m so ashamed and heartbroken.
You took the words right out of my mouth. My story has some differences, but to this day. I am still heartbroken.. I was broken up with in February of this year (2022) a few days before Valentine's Day. My ex bf and I have been on and off for about 12 years. Every time we came back together we got better, but don't get me wrong it got toxic during fights. We both had unhealed parts of ourselves that really came out and was triggered during our relationship. We both loved each other, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the one who loved him a little more. I was. We had similar emotionally neglectful parents. He was an avoidant attachment and I am an anxious attachment, so when I say toxic arguments you can imagine how triggering and tragic those were. We were both were coming from a good place, but neither of us understood the underlying issues. He was seeking peace and stability, while I was seeking consistency. We were both stubborn and didn't know how to understand each other's communication styles. Because I was emotionally expressive, I communicated a lot if I felt unloved or my needs weren't being met, but my partner had trouble doing so. He would keep it in because he would be frightened by my emotional outbursts if I got defensive (as a result of my anxiety & abandonment issues)...I don't blame him because..my expectations were high..and what I learned is that you cannot expect someone to give you something they can't give themselves...I constantly seemed emotional validation and my feelings to be honored, but he didn't even know how to do that himself because of his childhood avoidant trauma. Me on the other hand, could not validate his need to feel safe enough to express his emotions & the struggle he had to do so because I was too busy trying to fight for my own needs, because my anxious attachment made me fear being abandoned.. If only I knew all this then...maybe I would have been able to salvage our relationship...or maybe things wouldn't have come to an end the way they did.... It wasn't until near the end of out 1.5 year relationship that I finally caught on to my childhood anxiety trauma..When I realized this...it helped our relationship significantly.. I learned to manage my anxiety and communicate it better...which triggered my partner less and allowed Him to feel comfortable to start being vulnerable..in the last 2 months we were together.. However, previous to me starting to manage my anxiety he mentioned he wanted a "break" which initially I was so reluctant to give...and being anxious it was so hard for me to let go & trust that he will be back. He told me he just needs some time to heal and he will be back. We both agreed not to see anyone/entertain anyone during this time..So those last 1.5-2 months before the break was one of our happiest b/c we were finally not triggering each other much. I cried and told him how I wish I knew sooner... When the time came of our break... we were both heartbroken 2 weeks post, that he ran back...but then we got into an argument due to my frustration b/c it felt like I cried over nothing with him being back so quickly but also because I felt like he was always coming in and out of my life as he pleases. the fight caused him to rethink and he said "I thought I would feel more excited & relieved but I don't..I think I need more time.." this frustrated me more...but I agreed and told him to take another month..to heal more and be really sure.. 2 more weeks pass closing in on valentines day...I felt things change.. (intuition is kind of spot on a lot) even though we were separated we would still say ily and Amy every now and then to remind each other we were still thinking about each other ..but this time..he was leaving me on read and it triggered my anxiety again..and this time I couldn't quell it..something felt wrong. My anxiety triggered him and he told me "this is our time apart, I just want to stay impartial" which surprised me..b/c that energy was way different.. I asked him if it I could go see him...because I missed him, and that my anxiety was triggered and I wanted to be with him but I wanted to make sure he still wanted to see me. he said "of course I do." I drop everything and drive in the middle of the night...2 hours to him..and I get there and things seem ok. But the next day...he refused to have sex with me...and acts a little distant...he even asks me when I will leave (it was a Sunday) we both had school the next day...but he's never pushed me to leave quickly before. He always lets me stay as long as I want..my intuition/gut feeling was screaming warning bells... I did something I know I shouldn't have..I asked him permission to play with his phone...I look through messages..and I find out he's been talking/entertaining another woman...my heart drops to my stomach..at this point I had learned to not throw an emotional fit with him (remember I've been working on this for some time now)..I asked him when he was going to tell me.. and he says "I was gonna tell u when u were more emotionally stable." I excused myself outside his apartment...and bawled outside...I had never cried like that in my life.. I felt so betrayed...blindsided... I thought it was us working through our issues and healing separately so we could be together...we were at the point of wanting to get married eventually...that day.. I couldn't bear what happened.. I left his apartment..only to turn around and find him at the grocery store...with a smile on his face pushing a cart like nothing happened with his AirPods on. He sees me and his face looks like he saw a ghost. he snaps out of it and walks away rom me...I was in shock it was like nothing happened. I ran to him and I look at him and ask "are you talking to her right now?" and he nodded.. he was talking to the girl on the AirPods I bought him... I tried to ask him to explain himself in the car but he got defensive and it was like I didn't even recognize the person that was supposedly in love with me...I gave up..he eventually talked to me after that for a brief time...but I lost my shit that night (not in front of him)...a friend got me a hotel room but I felt like I couldn't breath every second that passed...I was so confused...I thought the hotel was going to help..but instead in attempt to try to make myself feel better taking a bath...I lost my mind...& tried to drown myself..I snapped out of it..but called a hotline..got transferred to the ER on valentines day where I cried all day, didnt sleep a wink. then I got transferred to the psych ward for about 5 days to recover... im in therapy now..my ex was sorry..but to this day I feel betrayed. I forgave him, but that doesn't mean It doesn't hurt for me everyday. What's worse is... my ex is now engaged to the woman he was talking to behind my back. They had started talking since before we officially went on that "break" and everything just felt right for him since then.. he is in love with her now..and I constantly blame myself for having sabotaged my relationship by failing to provide a safe space for him to be emotionally expressive and for being too selfish & demanding asking him to give me what he wasn't capable of giving even himself yet and letting my anxious attachment strain our relationship. I regret not helping him or being more patient and gentle. I blame myself constantly..and the fact that things are working out for him just serves are reinforcement for my self-blame..I failed to make him happy.. I still love him. As I write this..I still love him. I cry everyday and my therapist says im clinically depressed. I can only hope the day comes that I no longer care..I just want peace and the pain to stop... and more than anything...I just wish he didnt blindside me.. I wish he sat me down and gave me a chance to fix things/prove to him the changes were real (he told me he noticed my efforts towards the end..but at that point it was too late for him..& he didnt trust the changes anymore)... I wish he gave me some time before jumping into a relationship with his current woman now... its been a few months...& I'm still struggling..sometimes I think about how it feels like it would take a miracle for me to get past this...to anyone else in a similar position...I hear you..I see you...and I feel your pain.
Five years, a lifetime of dreams and an entire version of me - all gone drown the drain in the span of 24 hours.
February 4th, 2022, even now nearly 4 months later it hurts like a knife driving through my chest. All in one day out of nowhere, my ex decides to just cut it off. She would constantly ignore me and pay no mind to me which made me feel unimportant to her. I guess I was right. I tried telling her, begging her even to pay me an ounce of her time and affection the same I did her but she had other priorities and cut ties in one day out of nowhere. Still trying to get over the memories we had but that’s a 10 month relationship gone and a 2 year friendship flushed down the drain. I gave her everything and what I got in return was to be treated like a used toy, played with that when she was done with, thrown out like trash. Even so, those were the happiest 10 months of my life and now they’re the 10 worst months in my life. Some days I have felt the urge to take my own life because of how much I lost. She was the only person that seemed like they cared about my emotions, something even my family and close friends couldn’t do. You think a person loves you and then they go and break your heart. If anyone read this wall of text at all I could use some advice on how to move on.
Going through this right now. Crazy to read all of these comments of so many people feeling the same. A total flip. Happy and in love one day, hearing all the most beautiful things in the world said to me…left me and packed up the next day while I was at work. I’ve never felt so confused and devastated. No warning signs or indications
Thank you for this
Holy crap. So much this. It’s never hurt so much to be blindsided like this. He had all these conversations in his head and I had no idea. Never saw it coming :(
This happened to me. He said he hadn’t been happy for a while but he didn’t ever tell me this. Then he cheated. I’m broken. Seriously broken. I don’t have five minutes without thinking of ways I can end it all.
Was with my partner for 5 years. Thought everything was going good. I had raved to people how good we communicated and how much I cared for them. Then they decided the best place to end the relationship was in a coffee shop after never bringing up concerns. Then sent me a letter to explain it afterwords, saying ‘they hope they can be in my life again at some point’ seriously why?
This reminds me of the anger I'd felt after even a year later. I'd kinda forgotten, but I was broken up by phone while in the hospital. It was so shocking, and on top of the physical pain I was in I just wanted to die. We were planning to go on a week long beach trip together just a few days from when she broke up with me. The weirdest part is that I'm still struggling to get over her! I keep trying to date, but as I get closer to people I just think of her and can't bring myself to do it 😔
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Omg, yeah. My ex broke up with me in the morning after waking while he had been sneaking around and looking through my bags like rodent.and found (regrettably) more drugs than what we were doing together, mainly because I had serious depression regarding my personal life at home and work and his distance from me. I wake up, kiss him good morning and then followed by, “I’ve been taking with my therapist for a while now about letting you go”. I’ve done a lot of talking with friends and writing (whatever that is), and I came up with this conclusion of leaving you.” And I was like…. “And how about the man you were for more than 6 years with? Didn’t think of mentioning these concerns to me when you had them?” Oh I see, a person on drugs should totally feel comfortable to confide in his spouse after work about blowing through 2 grams of coke a day, getting bored and then moving on to harder stuff. Yeah, total table conversation. Right, says the guy who has yet to verbally come out to his family and can’t stand up for himself because of his repressed childhood “relationship with God”, to which he had 100% of my love and support by the way. Fuck outta here.
Word I was right there. Our dreams were boutt to cone true. We were going to be together. And start really living. Nope he found someone new gave up on us... I die more inside everyday. ..
We looked at future houses together legit 10 days ago. I got blind sided today after 3 1/2 years. I feel this post in my bones.
this!!!! It fucking hurts though, sooooo much
This just happened to me and honestly, FUCK THIS. I invited a friend to Friendsgiving the same morning. I drove over to his house for lunch since he wanted to cook for me. After he dumped me I had to CALL MY FRIEND AND UNINVITE HER AND EXPLAIN WHY BC THANKSGIVING WAS IN 3 DAYS. I didn’t even fucking get lunch! Then I had to cancel all our Hawaii plans and inform my brother I would not be bringing a plus one - A WEEK BEFORE WE LEFT. Plane tickets he bought. Itinerary he set. Then I had to do breakup accounting because HELL if I’m not gonna make you pay for half after you pull this shit. I sat down next to an empty chair the whole wedding ceremony. It was fucking awful. It wasn’t on purpose, just rows of 4 and families in the first row - but that fucking sucked. He wrote me a long letter explaining his bullshit and said he welcomed any conversation about our relationship - AND THEN TOLD ME HE DIDN’T WANT TO GET BACK TOGETHER. Why the hell did you write me a letter saying you welcomed a conversation if I could forgive you?! I had been gone for work for 2 months and this was a week after I got back. Good god. I’m 34 and that was my last chance to have a baby with a romantic partner. Considering my age and how long I need to build enough trust, I’m out of time. THANKS FOR THAT, ASSHOLE.
I needed this so so bad.