When I tried to move out to leave my abusive ex bf, I got scammed and lost all the money I had saved to move. Because desperate people are easy to scam. I was actually the 9th person that had been scammed in a month on that property. And then I ended up losing my job shortly after that happened because as you can imagine, your mental health suffers from something like that happening. It was hard to focus on my job when I was worried if I was going to be murdered or raped every night. Or being a screaming match until 3:00 A.M because he found out I was trying to leave him.
Just move out. Yeah. Just move out. Stupid poor person.
People also forget that not everyone can live alone. Some people with disabilities or chronic physical or mental health issues aren't able to work or live independently and can't just leave.
Yes! I had a severe eating disorder and I’m having to recover living with my parents, bc at this time I can’t physically work or afford to move out. And I’m one of the lucky ones in this situation; I was able to get a government support pension, and if I keep working on recovery then my illness will be temporary. It’s not like that for everyone!
Its privileged with a lack of a reality check for sure. I'm lucky, I've had over the years older cousins to stay with or other extended family who don't know me well enough, but enough to take me in bc they know my parents. I stay with my parents but their house is designed so that they all live on one floor and don't interact with me. No one interacts with me and that suits me fine. Most people don't have that space as luxury. The space is so important for healing even if you can't physically part from your abusers. That's what's kept me sane so far.
Yes oh my god, not everybody privileged is like this but for many...the privilege causes them to exhibit the dumbest and most callous behaviors, even if they're abuse survivors themselves and you would think they'd know better.
In my experience a lot of financially privileged abuse survivors tend to think that the oppression olympics are 1) real and that 2) they need to be constantly winning at them, whether that be needing to be the most worse off person in the room at any given moment, or being like "uhhh I'm not a victim, I BOOTSTRAPPED AWAY from my abuse". 🙄
Yes! I’ve had to fight for space (sometimes literally, like physically fight). It’s necessary to have at least one spot you can feel safe. It’s taken lots of fighting verbally and otherwise for me to claim a safe space, my choices have been pretty desperate. It’s probably not always good to fight an abusive parent as much as I have but without a clear way out I’m glad that I stood my ground until I got them to back off (for now).
I am similar to you, I had to do a LOT of fighting with my mom when I lived with her in order to keep her from having total control over me. In hindsight I'm not too sure if it worked, there's a non zero chance my life would have gone smoother overall if I was the docile submissive fawning type of abuse victim instead of inheriting my mom's hair trigger temper, lol.
Yeah I hear you. I’m beginning to learn to pick my battles. Tho it’s really hard because you have to dodge their well studied ability to trigger and manipulate you. That said fawning was only a good strategy for me when I was a kid and was pretty sure I needed her help (even if I had to endure her abuse). Otherwise that’s just giving so much energy to someone who ultimately (as much as this hurts to know) doesn’t care about you. It’s insane to me that a parent would use their child for their own life rather than empower that kid to live a great life of their own… I’m only beginning to understand how much I’ve been used and confused away from finding my own passions, talents and joys in life (so much so that now I’m scraping and clawing to find them but my depression symptoms make it so hard to find something and stick with it).
Yeah a lot of people also don’t get that abuse in many cases also makes it so that you don’t get very many options of where to leave to, if you do have the option of leaving.
I am also somebody who actually took this advice and Just Moved Out when I was 18 to get away from my abusive mother only to end up in a situation that honestly wasn’t any better imo. (I ended up moving in with a now ex bf I had known for two months out of sheer desperation to get away from her, he turned out to be a massive fucking loser as well as an abuser.) I ended up moving back in with my mom two years later because as bad as she is, my ex’s bullshit was worse.
Funnily enough my mom did the exact same thing when she was 18 but unlike me she was unluckier. She moved in with her first husband to get away from her toxic parents and then she ended up pregnant with my older brother, and all the trauma from that over the decades is part of why she used (she’s gotten better) to be such a toxic person.
>I am also somebody who actually took this advice and Just Moved Out when I was 18
I did too. Moved in with a new friend who took advantage of me. I ended up just as trapped, marrying him.
You really do need supportive parents to make it. The cruelty of bad parenting is unfathomable.
Solidarity. I’m stuck back with my abusive mother and options are limited to none. I may have a place to move to soon and if that doesn’t work out I may have to move 500 miles away and lose my job. Times are tough out there.
I left in a trauma-induced episode. There was an abuse shelter in another state that accepted me. Unfortunately I left on March 4th, 2020 and lockdown hit before I could get there.
Homelessness the first 4 months of lockdown was *rough.* Having to continue working while I could *feel* my CPTSD worsening, was a nightmare. And all of it still without any love or support from any other human beings, is likely the reason my diagnosis is frequently more of a disability now.
How many times can you be told helping you "just sounds too invonvenient," before your faith in humanity cracks and rots away?
Especially after you need the contact info for an old college friend who lives in the area you've found yourself in, and some schmoe you thought was your friend, complains that the idea of asking for the old mutual friend's number made them *too uncomfortable.* And the consequence for their discomfort ends up being you sleeping in the back of your car, at the end of a Walmart parking lot, while everyone is obsessed with shelter in place.
Ah, reminds me of asking a former roommate/"best friend" if I could stay in her spare room - my former room - while paying rent - after my father cut me off for the umpteenth time during my last year of college (I was on a student visa and could not work legally beyond my 12-hours/week $6.25/hr on-campus job and was also not eligible for any loans). She literally refused saying she "might need that room for something else" while my only other option was living in my car. Thankfully, someone suggested I go to the financial aid office at my college and miraculously, they found me some loan that international students were eligible for, so I was able to continue to pay my rent. But it's really insane when you are literally on the brink of homelessness (or are actually homeless) and people who are supposedly friends will refuse to let you stay with them FOR MONEY while you try to get back on your feet.
Then every therapist I run into is like "you need to learn to trust people and reach out for help!" Bitch, you don't think I've tried to dozens of times in my life?
Oh hey, someone who knows what feckless monsters people can be about their convenience, when it becomes do or die! Hi, friend!
People seriously suck. It took so much for me to not trust people anymore, and I hold onto it like mad, because it is *healthy.*
Did you also have people complain anything to the effect of "You're making itnout to be this horrible thing! You won't be homeless, that's an overreaction!" When that is quite literally the only thing that will happen? And all because they can't face that the choices they make for *convenience,* can have horrendous and dire immeiate consequences for the people they deem "inconvenient."
Yes oh my fucking shitting god you also (unfortunately) get this! People do indeed fucking suck and imo anybody who tries to convince you that most people don't suck is a lucky person at best, and at worst, is one of those people who suck and are being defensive about it to cover their own ass.
I seriously do not understand the convenience thing, I feel like you seriously have to be an absolute spoiled fucking brat to act like this towards someone else while not feeling guilty about it.
I had an ex fiance who dumped me a few years ago while knowing I was in the middle of a psychotic breakdown due to the shit living conditions and impoverishment in addition to being stuck with my mom who was physically assaulting me 2-3 times a week when she would get mad. His reasoning for it? "Uhhh you're just boring to talk to also you're draining". He cut me out of my life because he realized that I was *inconvenient to him.* He treated everybody like they only existed to convenience him though, none of my friends liked him for this reason. I've also had numerous other friends and family members refuse to show up for me in the past due to """inconvenience"" or with the case of one family member, they literally expected financial compensation from me and my mom for taking care of me when I was a literal 12 year old while my mom was in jail. They were not broke either.
I just do not understand it.
It's inconvenience and discomfort that are the big enablers of shitty behavior right now. If someone makes you unsafe, that's where discomfort matters: things like danger to your wellbeing and sexual harassment. Unfortunately it's been taken too far, and people do not understand that there is a point where prioritizing your comfort becomes cruelty, selfishness, and cowardice. I can't stand it. Many things in life will *always* be uncomfortable, without that person being in any way at fault. Learning someone you know is in dire straights is one of them, in multiple ways.
You are not entitled to your convenience, and you are not entitled to your comfort. This has made the world much nicer, and *dangerously,* egregiously, disturbingly far less kind.
Also I got fired from my job the other week for a bunch of reasons that really don't hold water- outright lies and blame for my boss's fuckups, that *I* fixed. And judging by the sheer falsehood of the reasons, and facial expressions I caught at certain points, I'm 90% certain that he just felt inconvenienced that my dad died. Even though he *heard,* me making calls sounding like nothing happened, and acknowledged that aloud.
While you are right in that it isn't easy, I think there is also a degree of "belief vs reality" that victims need to be aware of.
My ex turned overtly abusive late 2020, and it really got ramped up when we moved states a year and a half ago. I "woke up" to the abuse about 9 months ago, she left after she realized I had enough evidence to present to the court and that I wasn't going to be a victim anymore, though I'm still holding the evidence in case she attempts something.
For the majority of those 9 months I truly believed I didn't have choices, it wasn't until I further started clearing the psychological fog that I recently realized:
-There were laws in my state that indicated that a Protective Order could be placed even without physical abuse. I had voice and video recordings, but even email, texts and (45+) phone calls would suffice.
-That rental laws in my state indicated that I only needed to prove my apartment complex that there was abuse to them, without even the need for a protective order or letting police know, to replace keylocks.
-That with proof of domestic abuse, I only had to give 1 months rent to close my lease, and I had 3 months to pay for that 1 months worth of rent.
-That a restriction order actually enforced the fact that the abuser cannot attempt to stop paying for their part of (in this case) rent or any other housing payment, even if they are no longer allowed in the property.
This meant that I, as a victim, actually had a ridiculous amount of power over my situation due to the things my ex had done. Of course before this she spent all her time telling me that she was gonna "kick me out" or how I "wasn't gonna be able to afford living on my own" and all kinds of falsehoods about the situation, that after the abuse and constant repetition I had started to believe.
So yes, it isn't "easy" to leave an abuser, but victims of abuse also have to recognize that we walk a fog of lies fed to us, and that we may have more options than we think we do.
Solidarity for us. I think there's a lot more people than we realize, who are stuck in a bad situation while waiting disability benefits and/or a stroke of luck
I’m stuck with my abusers (my parents) until I’m out of college and have a stable job that can pay for my medication, housing, food, etc.
My parents have quite a bit of money and it’s frankly the only reason I’m still in contact with them - I need money to survive, I’d never be able to afford my necessary meds without going through college fully (and also they fully pay for my college and I don’t want student loan debt) - but also they use it to financially abuse me so it’s very frustrating.
I don’t like living there. But my options are deal with a few more years of abuse or deal with financial instability for the rest of my life. The better option is to stay with my abusers. And I hate that. But it’s the better option.
It sucks that you have to endure more years of abuse but I can tell you it is the best choice at the end. I too went through more years of abuse to be able to attend college and thanks to that now I live by myself, not in an ideal way since all I can afford is a small room (wages in my country suck and everything is expensive, specially rent in the city I live). But I couldn’t be able to afford my freedom if I hadn’t gone to college.
Honestly I feel you. I moved out of living with my Narc mother in the middle of the pandemic. She chose that exact time because it was when I was most vulnerable and couldn't search for a house like i normally would, you know, with social distancing and people dying of the worst disease in a century
Still I heard that if I had "tried harder" I could be out in 2018, when i became of legal age. Yeah. With what money since I couldn't keep my own reserves since she would pickpocket all my savings??
Stupid fucking people who don't live through abuse don't have the brain cells to think that maybe, just maybe, the abuser is gonna make everything in his power and a little more to sabotage any way you can escape.
On a side note, I live in Brasil. If the US and Canada have a housing crisis, imagine in a country where the majority of the population is sub-employed, receiving a "minimum" sallary that doesnt cover the basic expenses of living, and have to deal with the incessant increases in rent price due to inflation.
yep, great summary. i'm still living with my parents. tried moving out, but it was expensive and didn't offer much benefit. like you say about roommates, they can be toxic as hell, which is why i have avoided sharehouses. i have nothing but bad bad options.
Yeah, sharing a house with strangers is its own kind of hell. I share a house with 10 more people and between some girls being assholes and my landlord being a bit insane, some days I just want to yeet myself out of this world because it feels I have nowhere to ran away to :(
‘Why didn’t you just leave?’ Or fight/run, etc, is the most toxic thing imo. There’s zero attempt to understand that people often don’t have the choice and their abuser controls their entire life, leaving/fighting/running may be more unsafe than staying. I’m glad that people who say that have never gone through abuse like that, but can’t say the privilege doesn’t piss me off, and complete lack of attempt to understand is just dizzying. Like oh damn, why didn’t I think of that? It’s insulting =/
One of my abusers was my mom. I depend on help from others because of my health. I’d have had nowhere to go. And when she died, my last night in my apartment before eviction, I still didn’t know where I was going to go. It applies to other traumatic situations as well, your mind is just singularly focused on survival. That’s all you can do, is try to survive one moment to the next.
Yes. Also when I asked someone very active on Reddit who posts about how they left their abusive parents as an adult and got help from a DV hotline, they basically just said I was rude for asking them how they did.
Like so much for helping other survivors or offering advice.
Sorry but just grates me to see people criticize others who were once in their spot.
Yeah it’s horrible. I live in the Bay Area where the housing is the most expensive in the country, so the solution was pretty much to move out of the state.
I know some people who live in the Bay Area and everytime they talk about the housing market there, I feel myself slowly turning into Mao Zedong.
The housing market where I live is also not great, but the stories I keep hearing from people I know in the Bay Area sound like something from r/thatHappened but the problem is that they're true...
Yes I got kicked out of my place several times by my family and they would tell me if you don’t like our rules “then move out” when I didn’t have a job and was in college lol. So they would keep pushing me to move out and I kept opening credit cards
Thank you 😭 I got out and stayed away for years but then with Covid and the rental crisis in my city I’ve had to stay with my abusive parents again. Pinching every penny to try and get out again asap and it’s f-ing hell
Same Op. Some people told me to move out and live with room mates, I know they mean well but come on. Sure there might be a chance of getting a good roommate but I'll never know and don't want to risk it. I'm trying to detach myself, I don't need another person to put more anxiety in me and be tied to them for a year. Also, I don't think some people understand how expensive rent is. Just the other day I was talking to my coworker how a 1BR was $1000, shared without utilities. They believe it's reasonable...
I had a covert narcissist ex. The type that slowly but consistently wears you down by using, abusing, then refusing you. I did more and more and more work on the farm hoping for a hint of approval until I ended up in hospital for exhaustion and injuries. It’s all about them. They would come home from their cushy office job and I’d be bloody and bruised from the days work on the farm without the right equipment they refused to get. Then they would immediately start complaining about how they didn’t get promoted to director or chief of the department. Sheesh, don’t get me started. America is a narcissism factory. Actually all wealthy industrialized countries seem to have it but it runs amuck here more than anywhere. I just got back from a year in Germany where a kind person who fled from the US twenty years ago took me in while I heal.
Thank you for saying this. In my case I’d have to pay spousal support to my husband and give up half my pension, and I’m on disability, taking care of a disabled son. I weigh the pros and cons all the time. It’s hard to imagine that life on the other side would be better, when you factor in financial hardship, ongoing emotional manipulation, and your child being used as a pawn.
That's literally something my abuser said. "If you hate it so much here why don't you leave? You're a big girl." (I'm 34 and came home because I was on disability) And then she of course starts breaking down how I'll never be able to take care of myself 💁♀️😆 really glad that at that point I was well and working and feeling confident so I did leave but I know damn well that I haven't been able to avoid very much needing to move in with my mother.
This time when I moved out I got a roomate and we split a really affordable townhouse which is a total blessing for me to have found so quickly. It's scary that I'll never be able to have a place to go if my health deteriorates but I'm going to go no contact soon. I neeeed to make sure I have a lot of savings. That I'm taking really good care of myself, and that's really rewarding to do and have to do and find out how much I'm capable but it's taken time to find my feet. If I had been unwell it would have been a whole different kind of struggle. There's a tipping point at which all these stressor just give you so much damage and stress and it deteriorates your health not improves. I mean I've had like 3 months worth of colds and flues since I moved out but I'm working it out and I think if I am unafraid to leave the family and say no, never again (my sister is getting married and pregnant 😮💨) and I'm not repressing my feelings again in apprehension then I'll feel more and more healthy and vital again. But like years ago I got bed bugs and was in debt and sick and had to go back home for the first time and before that I was really independent and my mom hated me for it and she told me I'd have to pay rent until the very last minute when I moved back. My sister had just moved home for free. I'm so paranoid about getting bed bugs now. My laundry basket is in my bathroom. Dirty clothes aren't even allowed in my room. Lol trauma! 😁
In college I used financial aid refund to pay for housing. During breaks, I’d couch hop w/ college friends and kept all belongings in my car.
I knew I’d need a job to support myself enough to never need my parents again. Where are the opportunities? NYC. I happened to get in car crash scoring lot of money, which I used after graduation for my move to the city. I only had 2 months rent. I didn’t need a car nyc and got job my firs month there. Since I didn’t qualify for my own apartment or had a guarantor- I’d sublet rooms. I didn’t have furniture or belongings so it worked well. I saw my bedroom, as my home and apartment. I never associated with roommates, just focused on myself and the room I hide in.’
Soooo I move to nyc not knowing a single soul and my entire family cut off. I had no other choice but to figure it out. Everyone says to wait 6 months for an emergency fund blahblahblah. No. You’ll be waiting forever. Get the duck out there and make a life
For yourself
I'm ready for another "Let's start a commune" thread.
Central Oregon coast here, and housing is f\*cking insane. Don't worry about it being expensive, because there is zero percent vacancy. Air BnBs are everywhere.
It feels surreal to me.
I think they call this “the empathy gap.” Interesting that it’s an actual phenomenon. Makes me feel better to not take it as a personal trait: Those incidences are far less likely to ruin my day.
i feel this - i got very lucky and live with my partner and their mum but we’d still rather live just us two without any parents.
cptsd makes working loads of hours very difficult (in my experience) so it’s just close to impossible to move out and afford rent during a housing crisis.
i don’t see me and my partner moving out for years and that thought is depressing in itself. the system needs a massive change.
sending my love OP, i know it’s tough <3
Yes, totally agree. I have heard this over and over again too from people who are trying to get out but can't find an affordable place or meet landlords' ridiculous requirements. It's not like you can just hop out to a new place; rentals and home buying pricing right now is insane and unfair. Sorry you endured all those comments; know that there are people who understand!! And I'm glad you were able to get out.
Yes but mostly for people experiencing a specifically type of domestic violence, and most of them will only accept women. Even then I’ve heard many mixed stories about these shelters and how they operate, I’ve heard that some people will go into them and come out even more traumatized.
For basically everybody else as far as I know there are essentially no resources for helping people leave abuse that isn’t very obvious DV types of situations.
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i’m 16 (from uk) and i’m severely mentally ill. i got a job last week and it actually pays quite well so i’m planning on saving up and doing what i can when i’m 18 (or older, whenever is safe/ i have enough money). my parents don’t support me or understand my illnesses so i can’t wait to move out, but it will take a long time to get there.
When I tried to move out to leave my abusive ex bf, I got scammed and lost all the money I had saved to move. Because desperate people are easy to scam. I was actually the 9th person that had been scammed in a month on that property. And then I ended up losing my job shortly after that happened because as you can imagine, your mental health suffers from something like that happening. It was hard to focus on my job when I was worried if I was going to be murdered or raped every night. Or being a screaming match until 3:00 A.M because he found out I was trying to leave him. Just move out. Yeah. Just move out. Stupid poor person.
So sorry that happened to you! Hope you are doing better now.
People also forget that not everyone can live alone. Some people with disabilities or chronic physical or mental health issues aren't able to work or live independently and can't just leave.
Yes! I had a severe eating disorder and I’m having to recover living with my parents, bc at this time I can’t physically work or afford to move out. And I’m one of the lucky ones in this situation; I was able to get a government support pension, and if I keep working on recovery then my illness will be temporary. It’s not like that for everyone!
Yes oh my god I don't get how so many people want to act like that's not the case.
Its privileged with a lack of a reality check for sure. I'm lucky, I've had over the years older cousins to stay with or other extended family who don't know me well enough, but enough to take me in bc they know my parents. I stay with my parents but their house is designed so that they all live on one floor and don't interact with me. No one interacts with me and that suits me fine. Most people don't have that space as luxury. The space is so important for healing even if you can't physically part from your abusers. That's what's kept me sane so far.
Yes oh my god, not everybody privileged is like this but for many...the privilege causes them to exhibit the dumbest and most callous behaviors, even if they're abuse survivors themselves and you would think they'd know better. In my experience a lot of financially privileged abuse survivors tend to think that the oppression olympics are 1) real and that 2) they need to be constantly winning at them, whether that be needing to be the most worse off person in the room at any given moment, or being like "uhhh I'm not a victim, I BOOTSTRAPPED AWAY from my abuse". 🙄
Yes! I’ve had to fight for space (sometimes literally, like physically fight). It’s necessary to have at least one spot you can feel safe. It’s taken lots of fighting verbally and otherwise for me to claim a safe space, my choices have been pretty desperate. It’s probably not always good to fight an abusive parent as much as I have but without a clear way out I’m glad that I stood my ground until I got them to back off (for now).
I am similar to you, I had to do a LOT of fighting with my mom when I lived with her in order to keep her from having total control over me. In hindsight I'm not too sure if it worked, there's a non zero chance my life would have gone smoother overall if I was the docile submissive fawning type of abuse victim instead of inheriting my mom's hair trigger temper, lol.
Yeah I hear you. I’m beginning to learn to pick my battles. Tho it’s really hard because you have to dodge their well studied ability to trigger and manipulate you. That said fawning was only a good strategy for me when I was a kid and was pretty sure I needed her help (even if I had to endure her abuse). Otherwise that’s just giving so much energy to someone who ultimately (as much as this hurts to know) doesn’t care about you. It’s insane to me that a parent would use their child for their own life rather than empower that kid to live a great life of their own… I’m only beginning to understand how much I’ve been used and confused away from finding my own passions, talents and joys in life (so much so that now I’m scraping and clawing to find them but my depression symptoms make it so hard to find something and stick with it).
Technically, moving out is the solution, it's just really, REALLY hard. Maybe the next time someone says that, ask if you can move in with them. LOL
Yeah a lot of people also don’t get that abuse in many cases also makes it so that you don’t get very many options of where to leave to, if you do have the option of leaving. I am also somebody who actually took this advice and Just Moved Out when I was 18 to get away from my abusive mother only to end up in a situation that honestly wasn’t any better imo. (I ended up moving in with a now ex bf I had known for two months out of sheer desperation to get away from her, he turned out to be a massive fucking loser as well as an abuser.) I ended up moving back in with my mom two years later because as bad as she is, my ex’s bullshit was worse. Funnily enough my mom did the exact same thing when she was 18 but unlike me she was unluckier. She moved in with her first husband to get away from her toxic parents and then she ended up pregnant with my older brother, and all the trauma from that over the decades is part of why she used (she’s gotten better) to be such a toxic person.
>I am also somebody who actually took this advice and Just Moved Out when I was 18 I did too. Moved in with a new friend who took advantage of me. I ended up just as trapped, marrying him. You really do need supportive parents to make it. The cruelty of bad parenting is unfathomable.
Solidarity. I’m stuck back with my abusive mother and options are limited to none. I may have a place to move to soon and if that doesn’t work out I may have to move 500 miles away and lose my job. Times are tough out there.
I left in a trauma-induced episode. There was an abuse shelter in another state that accepted me. Unfortunately I left on March 4th, 2020 and lockdown hit before I could get there. Homelessness the first 4 months of lockdown was *rough.* Having to continue working while I could *feel* my CPTSD worsening, was a nightmare. And all of it still without any love or support from any other human beings, is likely the reason my diagnosis is frequently more of a disability now. How many times can you be told helping you "just sounds too invonvenient," before your faith in humanity cracks and rots away? Especially after you need the contact info for an old college friend who lives in the area you've found yourself in, and some schmoe you thought was your friend, complains that the idea of asking for the old mutual friend's number made them *too uncomfortable.* And the consequence for their discomfort ends up being you sleeping in the back of your car, at the end of a Walmart parking lot, while everyone is obsessed with shelter in place.
Ah, reminds me of asking a former roommate/"best friend" if I could stay in her spare room - my former room - while paying rent - after my father cut me off for the umpteenth time during my last year of college (I was on a student visa and could not work legally beyond my 12-hours/week $6.25/hr on-campus job and was also not eligible for any loans). She literally refused saying she "might need that room for something else" while my only other option was living in my car. Thankfully, someone suggested I go to the financial aid office at my college and miraculously, they found me some loan that international students were eligible for, so I was able to continue to pay my rent. But it's really insane when you are literally on the brink of homelessness (or are actually homeless) and people who are supposedly friends will refuse to let you stay with them FOR MONEY while you try to get back on your feet. Then every therapist I run into is like "you need to learn to trust people and reach out for help!" Bitch, you don't think I've tried to dozens of times in my life?
Oh hey, someone who knows what feckless monsters people can be about their convenience, when it becomes do or die! Hi, friend! People seriously suck. It took so much for me to not trust people anymore, and I hold onto it like mad, because it is *healthy.* Did you also have people complain anything to the effect of "You're making itnout to be this horrible thing! You won't be homeless, that's an overreaction!" When that is quite literally the only thing that will happen? And all because they can't face that the choices they make for *convenience,* can have horrendous and dire immeiate consequences for the people they deem "inconvenient."
Yes oh my fucking shitting god you also (unfortunately) get this! People do indeed fucking suck and imo anybody who tries to convince you that most people don't suck is a lucky person at best, and at worst, is one of those people who suck and are being defensive about it to cover their own ass. I seriously do not understand the convenience thing, I feel like you seriously have to be an absolute spoiled fucking brat to act like this towards someone else while not feeling guilty about it. I had an ex fiance who dumped me a few years ago while knowing I was in the middle of a psychotic breakdown due to the shit living conditions and impoverishment in addition to being stuck with my mom who was physically assaulting me 2-3 times a week when she would get mad. His reasoning for it? "Uhhh you're just boring to talk to also you're draining". He cut me out of my life because he realized that I was *inconvenient to him.* He treated everybody like they only existed to convenience him though, none of my friends liked him for this reason. I've also had numerous other friends and family members refuse to show up for me in the past due to """inconvenience"" or with the case of one family member, they literally expected financial compensation from me and my mom for taking care of me when I was a literal 12 year old while my mom was in jail. They were not broke either. I just do not understand it.
It's inconvenience and discomfort that are the big enablers of shitty behavior right now. If someone makes you unsafe, that's where discomfort matters: things like danger to your wellbeing and sexual harassment. Unfortunately it's been taken too far, and people do not understand that there is a point where prioritizing your comfort becomes cruelty, selfishness, and cowardice. I can't stand it. Many things in life will *always* be uncomfortable, without that person being in any way at fault. Learning someone you know is in dire straights is one of them, in multiple ways. You are not entitled to your convenience, and you are not entitled to your comfort. This has made the world much nicer, and *dangerously,* egregiously, disturbingly far less kind. Also I got fired from my job the other week for a bunch of reasons that really don't hold water- outright lies and blame for my boss's fuckups, that *I* fixed. And judging by the sheer falsehood of the reasons, and facial expressions I caught at certain points, I'm 90% certain that he just felt inconvenienced that my dad died. Even though he *heard,* me making calls sounding like nothing happened, and acknowledged that aloud.
Or you end up with another abuser and have no resources and end up having to move in with the first abusers to get back on your feet.
This happened to me. Twice. 🥲
While you are right in that it isn't easy, I think there is also a degree of "belief vs reality" that victims need to be aware of. My ex turned overtly abusive late 2020, and it really got ramped up when we moved states a year and a half ago. I "woke up" to the abuse about 9 months ago, she left after she realized I had enough evidence to present to the court and that I wasn't going to be a victim anymore, though I'm still holding the evidence in case she attempts something. For the majority of those 9 months I truly believed I didn't have choices, it wasn't until I further started clearing the psychological fog that I recently realized: -There were laws in my state that indicated that a Protective Order could be placed even without physical abuse. I had voice and video recordings, but even email, texts and (45+) phone calls would suffice. -That rental laws in my state indicated that I only needed to prove my apartment complex that there was abuse to them, without even the need for a protective order or letting police know, to replace keylocks. -That with proof of domestic abuse, I only had to give 1 months rent to close my lease, and I had 3 months to pay for that 1 months worth of rent. -That a restriction order actually enforced the fact that the abuser cannot attempt to stop paying for their part of (in this case) rent or any other housing payment, even if they are no longer allowed in the property. This meant that I, as a victim, actually had a ridiculous amount of power over my situation due to the things my ex had done. Of course before this she spent all her time telling me that she was gonna "kick me out" or how I "wasn't gonna be able to afford living on my own" and all kinds of falsehoods about the situation, that after the abuse and constant repetition I had started to believe. So yes, it isn't "easy" to leave an abuser, but victims of abuse also have to recognize that we walk a fog of lies fed to us, and that we may have more options than we think we do.
Solidarity for us. I think there's a lot more people than we realize, who are stuck in a bad situation while waiting disability benefits and/or a stroke of luck
I’m stuck with my abusers (my parents) until I’m out of college and have a stable job that can pay for my medication, housing, food, etc. My parents have quite a bit of money and it’s frankly the only reason I’m still in contact with them - I need money to survive, I’d never be able to afford my necessary meds without going through college fully (and also they fully pay for my college and I don’t want student loan debt) - but also they use it to financially abuse me so it’s very frustrating. I don’t like living there. But my options are deal with a few more years of abuse or deal with financial instability for the rest of my life. The better option is to stay with my abusers. And I hate that. But it’s the better option.
It sucks that you have to endure more years of abuse but I can tell you it is the best choice at the end. I too went through more years of abuse to be able to attend college and thanks to that now I live by myself, not in an ideal way since all I can afford is a small room (wages in my country suck and everything is expensive, specially rent in the city I live). But I couldn’t be able to afford my freedom if I hadn’t gone to college.
Yeah that’s exactly the situation I’m in. It sucks, and I’m sorry you had to go through it too
This is an old comment but after a lot of dread keeping me up this gave me hope
It does get better stranger. It never gets easier but somehow it does getter better. Good luck!
Honestly I feel you. I moved out of living with my Narc mother in the middle of the pandemic. She chose that exact time because it was when I was most vulnerable and couldn't search for a house like i normally would, you know, with social distancing and people dying of the worst disease in a century Still I heard that if I had "tried harder" I could be out in 2018, when i became of legal age. Yeah. With what money since I couldn't keep my own reserves since she would pickpocket all my savings?? Stupid fucking people who don't live through abuse don't have the brain cells to think that maybe, just maybe, the abuser is gonna make everything in his power and a little more to sabotage any way you can escape. On a side note, I live in Brasil. If the US and Canada have a housing crisis, imagine in a country where the majority of the population is sub-employed, receiving a "minimum" sallary that doesnt cover the basic expenses of living, and have to deal with the incessant increases in rent price due to inflation.
yep, great summary. i'm still living with my parents. tried moving out, but it was expensive and didn't offer much benefit. like you say about roommates, they can be toxic as hell, which is why i have avoided sharehouses. i have nothing but bad bad options.
Yeah, sharing a house with strangers is its own kind of hell. I share a house with 10 more people and between some girls being assholes and my landlord being a bit insane, some days I just want to yeet myself out of this world because it feels I have nowhere to ran away to :(
Same :( why is it so hard to get out? X.X
‘Why didn’t you just leave?’ Or fight/run, etc, is the most toxic thing imo. There’s zero attempt to understand that people often don’t have the choice and their abuser controls their entire life, leaving/fighting/running may be more unsafe than staying. I’m glad that people who say that have never gone through abuse like that, but can’t say the privilege doesn’t piss me off, and complete lack of attempt to understand is just dizzying. Like oh damn, why didn’t I think of that? It’s insulting =/ One of my abusers was my mom. I depend on help from others because of my health. I’d have had nowhere to go. And when she died, my last night in my apartment before eviction, I still didn’t know where I was going to go. It applies to other traumatic situations as well, your mind is just singularly focused on survival. That’s all you can do, is try to survive one moment to the next.
Yes. Also when I asked someone very active on Reddit who posts about how they left their abusive parents as an adult and got help from a DV hotline, they basically just said I was rude for asking them how they did. Like so much for helping other survivors or offering advice. Sorry but just grates me to see people criticize others who were once in their spot.
Yeah it’s horrible. I live in the Bay Area where the housing is the most expensive in the country, so the solution was pretty much to move out of the state.
I know some people who live in the Bay Area and everytime they talk about the housing market there, I feel myself slowly turning into Mao Zedong. The housing market where I live is also not great, but the stories I keep hearing from people I know in the Bay Area sound like something from r/thatHappened but the problem is that they're true...
Yes I got kicked out of my place several times by my family and they would tell me if you don’t like our rules “then move out” when I didn’t have a job and was in college lol. So they would keep pushing me to move out and I kept opening credit cards
Thank you 😭 I got out and stayed away for years but then with Covid and the rental crisis in my city I’ve had to stay with my abusive parents again. Pinching every penny to try and get out again asap and it’s f-ing hell
Same Op. Some people told me to move out and live with room mates, I know they mean well but come on. Sure there might be a chance of getting a good roommate but I'll never know and don't want to risk it. I'm trying to detach myself, I don't need another person to put more anxiety in me and be tied to them for a year. Also, I don't think some people understand how expensive rent is. Just the other day I was talking to my coworker how a 1BR was $1000, shared without utilities. They believe it's reasonable...
Exactly! And some victims have children they can't risk making homeless
I had a covert narcissist ex. The type that slowly but consistently wears you down by using, abusing, then refusing you. I did more and more and more work on the farm hoping for a hint of approval until I ended up in hospital for exhaustion and injuries. It’s all about them. They would come home from their cushy office job and I’d be bloody and bruised from the days work on the farm without the right equipment they refused to get. Then they would immediately start complaining about how they didn’t get promoted to director or chief of the department. Sheesh, don’t get me started. America is a narcissism factory. Actually all wealthy industrialized countries seem to have it but it runs amuck here more than anywhere. I just got back from a year in Germany where a kind person who fled from the US twenty years ago took me in while I heal.
Thank you for saying this. In my case I’d have to pay spousal support to my husband and give up half my pension, and I’m on disability, taking care of a disabled son. I weigh the pros and cons all the time. It’s hard to imagine that life on the other side would be better, when you factor in financial hardship, ongoing emotional manipulation, and your child being used as a pawn.
That's literally something my abuser said. "If you hate it so much here why don't you leave? You're a big girl." (I'm 34 and came home because I was on disability) And then she of course starts breaking down how I'll never be able to take care of myself 💁♀️😆 really glad that at that point I was well and working and feeling confident so I did leave but I know damn well that I haven't been able to avoid very much needing to move in with my mother. This time when I moved out I got a roomate and we split a really affordable townhouse which is a total blessing for me to have found so quickly. It's scary that I'll never be able to have a place to go if my health deteriorates but I'm going to go no contact soon. I neeeed to make sure I have a lot of savings. That I'm taking really good care of myself, and that's really rewarding to do and have to do and find out how much I'm capable but it's taken time to find my feet. If I had been unwell it would have been a whole different kind of struggle. There's a tipping point at which all these stressor just give you so much damage and stress and it deteriorates your health not improves. I mean I've had like 3 months worth of colds and flues since I moved out but I'm working it out and I think if I am unafraid to leave the family and say no, never again (my sister is getting married and pregnant 😮💨) and I'm not repressing my feelings again in apprehension then I'll feel more and more healthy and vital again. But like years ago I got bed bugs and was in debt and sick and had to go back home for the first time and before that I was really independent and my mom hated me for it and she told me I'd have to pay rent until the very last minute when I moved back. My sister had just moved home for free. I'm so paranoid about getting bed bugs now. My laundry basket is in my bathroom. Dirty clothes aren't even allowed in my room. Lol trauma! 😁
In college I used financial aid refund to pay for housing. During breaks, I’d couch hop w/ college friends and kept all belongings in my car. I knew I’d need a job to support myself enough to never need my parents again. Where are the opportunities? NYC. I happened to get in car crash scoring lot of money, which I used after graduation for my move to the city. I only had 2 months rent. I didn’t need a car nyc and got job my firs month there. Since I didn’t qualify for my own apartment or had a guarantor- I’d sublet rooms. I didn’t have furniture or belongings so it worked well. I saw my bedroom, as my home and apartment. I never associated with roommates, just focused on myself and the room I hide in.’ Soooo I move to nyc not knowing a single soul and my entire family cut off. I had no other choice but to figure it out. Everyone says to wait 6 months for an emergency fund blahblahblah. No. You’ll be waiting forever. Get the duck out there and make a life For yourself
I'm ready for another "Let's start a commune" thread. Central Oregon coast here, and housing is f\*cking insane. Don't worry about it being expensive, because there is zero percent vacancy. Air BnBs are everywhere. It feels surreal to me.
I think they call this “the empathy gap.” Interesting that it’s an actual phenomenon. Makes me feel better to not take it as a personal trait: Those incidences are far less likely to ruin my day.
i feel this - i got very lucky and live with my partner and their mum but we’d still rather live just us two without any parents. cptsd makes working loads of hours very difficult (in my experience) so it’s just close to impossible to move out and afford rent during a housing crisis. i don’t see me and my partner moving out for years and that thought is depressing in itself. the system needs a massive change. sending my love OP, i know it’s tough <3
Yes, totally agree. I have heard this over and over again too from people who are trying to get out but can't find an affordable place or meet landlords' ridiculous requirements. It's not like you can just hop out to a new place; rentals and home buying pricing right now is insane and unfair. Sorry you endured all those comments; know that there are people who understand!! And I'm glad you were able to get out.
Isn't there shelters for abuse victims?
Yes but mostly for people experiencing a specifically type of domestic violence, and most of them will only accept women. Even then I’ve heard many mixed stories about these shelters and how they operate, I’ve heard that some people will go into them and come out even more traumatized. For basically everybody else as far as I know there are essentially no resources for helping people leave abuse that isn’t very obvious DV types of situations.
That's unfortunate.
I've heard the shelters all filled up during Covid lockdown, but IDK if they're still at capacity.
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i’m 16 (from uk) and i’m severely mentally ill. i got a job last week and it actually pays quite well so i’m planning on saving up and doing what i can when i’m 18 (or older, whenever is safe/ i have enough money). my parents don’t support me or understand my illnesses so i can’t wait to move out, but it will take a long time to get there.