I don’t have much context about your situation. Does she have dementia ? What is your relationship usually like ? If these are behavioral changes, it might be more than her just acting out. Or maybe you’re burned out and need a break. Or maybe she’s feeling lonely. If y’all have a good relationship on normal days this might be worth investigating.
Also, is it possible to let her go for a short while, like a week or two ? Alternatively (and less extreme), hire someone to come to the house for a week.
Virtual hugs.
She has always been somewhat on the narcissistic side. She was emotionally and verbally abusive to me growing up and still is but not quite as bad.
I know I’m burned out, but she doesn’t think I need a vacation. She thinks because all I have to do is feed her, get her ready for her shower, do laundry, do housework And feed her kitties that that’s not much work. Of course, I also have to get groceries and make sure her bills get paid. People know what she’s like and nobody is willing to come in for even a day to help.
She’s 94 and has a 97-year-old boyfriend. They’re both widows. I’ve offered to take her to see him, but she always says she’s not strong enough. She will not walk. She talks about how she has to get stronger and then when I tried to get her to do exercises, she refuses. She also won’t let physical therapy come in. And forget about trying to get her to physical therapy. She will just flat out refuse.
She has mellowed out over the years, but she still has times when she can be rude and snippy. She will not get tested for dementia and because my dad had it, thinks she knows everything about it. She’s nearly blind and hard of hearing.
We are out in the country and there are no adult daycare facilities.
Having said all this, I still love my mother and willingly gave up my career and life to care for her. I just wish she wouldn’t be mouthy sometimes.
Oh that’s very rough. I’m so sorry. As hard as it is, appreciation goes a long way. I know this is hard to do since people are unwilling to come help for even a day, but please find someone to help you out. It could be a local church, volunteers, social services, maybe even post on Nextdoor or a local subreddit.
My gosh, you mother sounds exactly like my grandmother. She's 77 and just got diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic non- small cell lung cancer. I'm her primary care giver, her daughter (my mom) lives with us as well, but works outside the home and when she is home, gets too nervous to help with her and just makes things 10x worse. She also has a son who lives about an hour and fifteen minutes away. He comes to see her every other weekend but is no help when he's here, just sits on the couch on his phone and barely even speaks to her. She has become so mean towards me and my mom, always yelling at us, lying on us, being super demanding, and all that, but her son and his daughter hung the moon for her. I also have a 12 year old special needs son that I am a (paid) caregiver to. I am burnt out beyond believe and my mental health is taking a huge toll because of my grandma. But, guess who's going to Disney for the next two weeks, then a church trip for a week, then to help with church camp for another week? Not me...her son and his family that never do anything to help with her care and aren't living with her 24/7. They get a while month of vacation, meanwhile I'm still stuck here caring for his mother. We're trying to get a home health nurse so I can get some relief, but it's a process and takes time. I just don't know what to do any more.
I'm so sorry you are in this same boat. Speaking from experience, it socks! Sending you so much love and positive thoughts that you can get some help with your mom or that she eases up on you. If you ever need a friend to talk to, you can dm me! *hugs*
My brother, who owns the house and land Mom and I live on (it’s my great grandfather‘s old farm, over 100 acres) is always taking his family to places like Disney World on his dime. he’s a real narcissist and told my other brother wants that if I lived next-door to him, he wouldn’t help me. All he does is complain about the way I take care of mom, but because he lives in Texas and has an extended family, he can’t help. (oh yes, and the best part? He’s been married twice and the wife has now was married three times before that. So he has a whole slew of stepchildren he dotes on. It barely does anything for me.)
The closest thing I can get to a respite is going outside or going to the store. I had to mow the yard so I did that.
I also have ADHD and possible autism, so I’m struggling to take care of Mom in spite of that.
I will never understand how families can act like this. I thought we were all supposed to pull together?
Its terrible that mowing grass is your respite. Thankfully, my grandma has been sleeping alot during the day so I get a break from her to spend some time with my son.
I swear we could be twins, I'm audhd too. That certainly adds another layer of fun to this crap cake. I also have severe depression and a history of SH, which I had gone several years without doing, but last weekend was particularly hell and I relapsed and did it again.
It makes me wonder, have I really been that shit of a person that the universe is punishing me this bad? Like, is this some kind of really shitty karma for some terrible thing I'm not aware of?
Sounds like my mother, except for the age & the boyfriend!
Send her butt to the nursing home. I hate to sound mean, but that's what I had to do with my mom. It'll take SO MUCH off your back!
(Although, you'll have to deal with her complaining about it & the home calling you for every little thing.)
Agree with all of the above, and another option is a couple days a week at an adult day care. The better ones offer appealing menus, personal care services (such as a manicure), fun exercise options, socializing, and crafts actitivies. Lots of elders really enjoy them.
Also, don't use long-term care facilties as a threat, because later if you have no choice but to use one, it can seem punitive.
Let her experience it and find out for herself. One or both of you will be surprised, but either way, it’ll be a learning experience and bring an end to these snarky comments.
She has been there before, so she knows what it’s like. She is determined not to go there. I would never threaten her with putting her in a nursing home because unfortunately, my two brothers want her there. They resent my caring for her.
The only reason she says that is because we have a joint savings account. She knows I’m trying to put money aside for a house. Bottom line is she’s just trying to get back at me if I upset her.
Any savings you are setting aside for a house need to go into an account under your name only from now on. Having your savings for your future in an account with her name on it is too much of a risk, for many reasons. She doesn’t need to be privy to that info. In terms of her comments, it sounds like she’s trying to threaten you (to ruin your financial security). Like with all threats, she’s only saying it because she knows that scares you, and that gives her power. Stop giving her that satisfaction. All you need to say in response is “OK mom, if that’s what you feel is best for you, you should go ahead and do it.” That’s NOT you threatening her, that is you calling the bluff of her threat. Eventually when she doesn’t get the rise out of you she’s looking for, she’ll abandon that tactic.
That is called [respite care](https://www.medicareinteractive.org/get-answers/medicare-covered-services/limited-medicare-coverage-long-term-care-services/respite-care), not everyone is eligible but it’s possible in the US through Medicare. I was referring/responding to the commenter above, though, who brought up adult daycare, which is different.
What do you do if they flat out refuse to go to an adult day care or OPAC type program for a few hours? My Nan want to go, go, go, but yet she's self conscious and doesn't want to go places where she "might run into someone she knows".
All I can tell you is, many seniors actually really enjoy these programs. You might see if you can visit one for lunchtime "just to see what it's like."
We both laughed hard. We are both caregivers to our very elderly parents and sometimes these kinds of absurdities hit just the right way in the right context.
In the US, Medicare allows for a caregiver sabbatical where you can put her in an acute care / nursing home for several days. It could be a good thing to approach with your social worker (or Mom's doctor should be able to refer you to those resources). Why not call her bluff and let her see how the nursing home is, and you can take your vacation.
I’ll have to see if I can do that. Last fall she and I got Covid & she went to the hospital, so I technically had four days off but I was sick the whole time so I couldn’t appreciate it. They initially said they wanted to have her go to a nursing home for rehab, and they were waiting for approval from the insurance. The day before she was scheduled to go, they told her she was doing so well she didn’t have to go and she came home instead. They didn’t get approval until a week after she got out of the hospital.
My dad was in the same nursing home she’d end up going to (again we’re out in the country so nothing much here) so she knows what they’re like. The hospital tried to tell me it was my decision, but I told them “I can’t afford to have her stay here while the insurance decides whether or not to approve.” She had already been in there five days and they were telling me about how she can only stay so long in the hospital.
Thankfully, the insurance did cover the entire time she was there, but I’ve heard stories where people get hospital bills afterwards because the insurance claimed they weren’t sick enough to warrant a stay.
If a Medicare patient is hospitalized for 3 or more days, they can automatically get 21 days of nursing home stay FREE (no co-pay). I used that. I made a point of telling staff at the hospital that I needed time to work on husband's Medicaid app without interruption because he ruined my focus.
Go on the Medicare website and figure out how to game the system. Ask the staff to help you game the system!
This is why it's important to work with a social worker sooner than later so you can plan where the resources will come from if she ever needs to go in permanently. All my best to you. I know it's hard
It’s a hard job. Mines used to want to go. She thought they would serve her better than we do. She found out that they are much worse. When she rang the bell, they wouldn’t answer it. 20 patients/1 cna
Oh, she knows what it’s like. She’s been there before. She had colon cancer about three years ago and had microscopic surgery to remove a mass. She stayed at that nursing home for two weeks and hated every minute of it. Bottom line is she’s just doing this to get back at me.
Oh, I would love to do that but trying to get her in the car is a monumental task. She won’t let me lift on her. (I don’t know if I could anyway.) The only way you would get her in the car to the nursing home is if somebody came and physically picked her up and put her in there. She will not walk, she doesn’t want to use a wheelchair, and she gets really angry if anyone even touches her. She’s always saying “don’t you hit me” when I have NEVER done that and never would.
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Wow....I do not know whether to envy or pity you..lol. I mean if she really "prefers a nursing home over you" then please send her there! And if she's unhappy..just say "Well you told me so"😂
I don’t have much context about your situation. Does she have dementia ? What is your relationship usually like ? If these are behavioral changes, it might be more than her just acting out. Or maybe you’re burned out and need a break. Or maybe she’s feeling lonely. If y’all have a good relationship on normal days this might be worth investigating. Also, is it possible to let her go for a short while, like a week or two ? Alternatively (and less extreme), hire someone to come to the house for a week. Virtual hugs.
She has always been somewhat on the narcissistic side. She was emotionally and verbally abusive to me growing up and still is but not quite as bad. I know I’m burned out, but she doesn’t think I need a vacation. She thinks because all I have to do is feed her, get her ready for her shower, do laundry, do housework And feed her kitties that that’s not much work. Of course, I also have to get groceries and make sure her bills get paid. People know what she’s like and nobody is willing to come in for even a day to help. She’s 94 and has a 97-year-old boyfriend. They’re both widows. I’ve offered to take her to see him, but she always says she’s not strong enough. She will not walk. She talks about how she has to get stronger and then when I tried to get her to do exercises, she refuses. She also won’t let physical therapy come in. And forget about trying to get her to physical therapy. She will just flat out refuse. She has mellowed out over the years, but she still has times when she can be rude and snippy. She will not get tested for dementia and because my dad had it, thinks she knows everything about it. She’s nearly blind and hard of hearing. We are out in the country and there are no adult daycare facilities. Having said all this, I still love my mother and willingly gave up my career and life to care for her. I just wish she wouldn’t be mouthy sometimes.
Oh that’s very rough. I’m so sorry. As hard as it is, appreciation goes a long way. I know this is hard to do since people are unwilling to come help for even a day, but please find someone to help you out. It could be a local church, volunteers, social services, maybe even post on Nextdoor or a local subreddit.
My gosh, you mother sounds exactly like my grandmother. She's 77 and just got diagnosed with stage 4 metastatic non- small cell lung cancer. I'm her primary care giver, her daughter (my mom) lives with us as well, but works outside the home and when she is home, gets too nervous to help with her and just makes things 10x worse. She also has a son who lives about an hour and fifteen minutes away. He comes to see her every other weekend but is no help when he's here, just sits on the couch on his phone and barely even speaks to her. She has become so mean towards me and my mom, always yelling at us, lying on us, being super demanding, and all that, but her son and his daughter hung the moon for her. I also have a 12 year old special needs son that I am a (paid) caregiver to. I am burnt out beyond believe and my mental health is taking a huge toll because of my grandma. But, guess who's going to Disney for the next two weeks, then a church trip for a week, then to help with church camp for another week? Not me...her son and his family that never do anything to help with her care and aren't living with her 24/7. They get a while month of vacation, meanwhile I'm still stuck here caring for his mother. We're trying to get a home health nurse so I can get some relief, but it's a process and takes time. I just don't know what to do any more. I'm so sorry you are in this same boat. Speaking from experience, it socks! Sending you so much love and positive thoughts that you can get some help with your mom or that she eases up on you. If you ever need a friend to talk to, you can dm me! *hugs*
My brother, who owns the house and land Mom and I live on (it’s my great grandfather‘s old farm, over 100 acres) is always taking his family to places like Disney World on his dime. he’s a real narcissist and told my other brother wants that if I lived next-door to him, he wouldn’t help me. All he does is complain about the way I take care of mom, but because he lives in Texas and has an extended family, he can’t help. (oh yes, and the best part? He’s been married twice and the wife has now was married three times before that. So he has a whole slew of stepchildren he dotes on. It barely does anything for me.) The closest thing I can get to a respite is going outside or going to the store. I had to mow the yard so I did that. I also have ADHD and possible autism, so I’m struggling to take care of Mom in spite of that.
I will never understand how families can act like this. I thought we were all supposed to pull together? Its terrible that mowing grass is your respite. Thankfully, my grandma has been sleeping alot during the day so I get a break from her to spend some time with my son. I swear we could be twins, I'm audhd too. That certainly adds another layer of fun to this crap cake. I also have severe depression and a history of SH, which I had gone several years without doing, but last weekend was particularly hell and I relapsed and did it again. It makes me wonder, have I really been that shit of a person that the universe is punishing me this bad? Like, is this some kind of really shitty karma for some terrible thing I'm not aware of?
Are you me? Lol. This is all so familiar.
Sounds like my mother, except for the age & the boyfriend! Send her butt to the nursing home. I hate to sound mean, but that's what I had to do with my mom. It'll take SO MUCH off your back! (Although, you'll have to deal with her complaining about it & the home calling you for every little thing.)
When she does that, you need to walk out. Go somewhere for a couple of hours.
Agree with all of the above, and another option is a couple days a week at an adult day care. The better ones offer appealing menus, personal care services (such as a manicure), fun exercise options, socializing, and crafts actitivies. Lots of elders really enjoy them. Also, don't use long-term care facilties as a threat, because later if you have no choice but to use one, it can seem punitive.
Oh that sounds fun I kinda want to sign myself up lol.
I don’t threaten her with it, she is the one who brings it up. I tried to tell her that it’s not as nice as she thinks it is.
Let her experience it and find out for herself. One or both of you will be surprised, but either way, it’ll be a learning experience and bring an end to these snarky comments.
She has been there before, so she knows what it’s like. She is determined not to go there. I would never threaten her with putting her in a nursing home because unfortunately, my two brothers want her there. They resent my caring for her. The only reason she says that is because we have a joint savings account. She knows I’m trying to put money aside for a house. Bottom line is she’s just trying to get back at me if I upset her.
Any savings you are setting aside for a house need to go into an account under your name only from now on. Having your savings for your future in an account with her name on it is too much of a risk, for many reasons. She doesn’t need to be privy to that info. In terms of her comments, it sounds like she’s trying to threaten you (to ruin your financial security). Like with all threats, she’s only saying it because she knows that scares you, and that gives her power. Stop giving her that satisfaction. All you need to say in response is “OK mom, if that’s what you feel is best for you, you should go ahead and do it.” That’s NOT you threatening her, that is you calling the bluff of her threat. Eventually when she doesn’t get the rise out of you she’s looking for, she’ll abandon that tactic.
How do you get someone temporarily admitted to a nursing home? That doesn't seem like something that can be achieved easily.
That is called [respite care](https://www.medicareinteractive.org/get-answers/medicare-covered-services/limited-medicare-coverage-long-term-care-services/respite-care), not everyone is eligible but it’s possible in the US through Medicare. I was referring/responding to the commenter above, though, who brought up adult daycare, which is different.
What do you do if they flat out refuse to go to an adult day care or OPAC type program for a few hours? My Nan want to go, go, go, but yet she's self conscious and doesn't want to go places where she "might run into someone she knows".
All I can tell you is, many seniors actually really enjoy these programs. You might see if you can visit one for lunchtime "just to see what it's like."
If my husband told me he was going to a nursing home, I'd tell him "Don't threaten me with a good time!"
I shared your story. Later my wife asked me to take out some recycling. I just told her I’m sick of this and that I’m going to a nursing home.
Dare I ask how that went?
We both laughed hard. We are both caregivers to our very elderly parents and sometimes these kinds of absurdities hit just the right way in the right context.
In the US, Medicare allows for a caregiver sabbatical where you can put her in an acute care / nursing home for several days. It could be a good thing to approach with your social worker (or Mom's doctor should be able to refer you to those resources). Why not call her bluff and let her see how the nursing home is, and you can take your vacation.
I’ll have to see if I can do that. Last fall she and I got Covid & she went to the hospital, so I technically had four days off but I was sick the whole time so I couldn’t appreciate it. They initially said they wanted to have her go to a nursing home for rehab, and they were waiting for approval from the insurance. The day before she was scheduled to go, they told her she was doing so well she didn’t have to go and she came home instead. They didn’t get approval until a week after she got out of the hospital. My dad was in the same nursing home she’d end up going to (again we’re out in the country so nothing much here) so she knows what they’re like. The hospital tried to tell me it was my decision, but I told them “I can’t afford to have her stay here while the insurance decides whether or not to approve.” She had already been in there five days and they were telling me about how she can only stay so long in the hospital. Thankfully, the insurance did cover the entire time she was there, but I’ve heard stories where people get hospital bills afterwards because the insurance claimed they weren’t sick enough to warrant a stay.
If a Medicare patient is hospitalized for 3 or more days, they can automatically get 21 days of nursing home stay FREE (no co-pay). I used that. I made a point of telling staff at the hospital that I needed time to work on husband's Medicaid app without interruption because he ruined my focus. Go on the Medicare website and figure out how to game the system. Ask the staff to help you game the system!
This is why it's important to work with a social worker sooner than later so you can plan where the resources will come from if she ever needs to go in permanently. All my best to you. I know it's hard
My says her 21 days visit to the nursing home was a living hell. She never wants to go back.
Mine too - I wish mine would want to go to a nursing home. :(
It’s a hard job. Mines used to want to go. She thought they would serve her better than we do. She found out that they are much worse. When she rang the bell, they wouldn’t answer it. 20 patients/1 cna
A week in one of those places would possibly set her straight. Or she’d love it and you’d be off the hook.
Oh, she knows what it’s like. She’s been there before. She had colon cancer about three years ago and had microscopic surgery to remove a mass. She stayed at that nursing home for two weeks and hated every minute of it. Bottom line is she’s just doing this to get back at me.
I'm so sorry. It's just miserable when on top of everything else, they are determined to be mean.
I love my mom, but if she said this to me I would be packing the car with zeal!
Oh, I would love to do that but trying to get her in the car is a monumental task. She won’t let me lift on her. (I don’t know if I could anyway.) The only way you would get her in the car to the nursing home is if somebody came and physically picked her up and put her in there. She will not walk, she doesn’t want to use a wheelchair, and she gets really angry if anyone even touches her. She’s always saying “don’t you hit me” when I have NEVER done that and never would.
Let her go then.
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Wow....I do not know whether to envy or pity you..lol. I mean if she really "prefers a nursing home over you" then please send her there! And if she's unhappy..just say "Well you told me so"😂