I almost lost it (laughing) a few weeks back when my partner's family started divvying out their relatives ashes into different things to take some home.
Ziploc bags, expensive onyx urns, a box of matches, and my favourite; a water bottle.
My dad was a photographer and film canisters where all over the house.
I have some of my mom to take to the top of Snowden, it's currently in a small medicine bottle but I do keep thinking how ironic putting her in a film canisters would be.
>I did tell her that when it comes time to scatter her mum's ashes (her mum is still alive), then she can decide.Ā
Excellent reply. Mine would have been similar, but less polite.
I know a lad who went to Whitby for the day during the goth weekend and saw a bunch of people in a circle all in black. He thought it was some sort of Druid/witchy thing so went to get a look. They were just dressed in black to scatter some ashes and as they let them go the wind blew some of them into my mateās mouth.
A little Whitby story for you.
Weāre sat on the edge of the harbour watching my little cousin crab. A hired boat goes past with a party and my other cousin waves as you do with people on boats. One of the passengers makes the show us your tits gesture, and my grandma pretends to lift her top, only the wind catches it showing her anything but revealing bra. Sheās mortified but glad it was a new bra, and says at least sheāll never see them again. Obviously they dock not far from us on the way back and walk past us. They then explain that they were scattering their dadās ashes and he would have found it all bloody hilarious and itās now my grandmaās favourite story
You take your time and do it when you are ready.
Do not let anyone influence you especially a drunk.
When my wife passed away I kept her ashes for 6 months because I just didn't feel it. Then one day I had been out and got home, grabbed the ashes and walked down to my local beach and scattered them.
There are no rules around grief. It's a process that everybody experiences differently. I've not lost a child, and honestly that's my biggest fear, but I lost my husband suddenly and quite horrifically. All I noticed was that the one thing that eventually helps is 'time' and that's the one thing you cannot rush. One day, you might find yourself waking up not crying, and then you feel guilty for not crying, but this is all part of the process. Ashes do not need to be scattered. They can be kept close to you for as long as you need them to be. My lovely friends paid for me to have a bracelet made from some of the ashes from my husband. You could look into something like that, if and when you feel ready. You could have a ring made from them, or a pendant, for example. Or, you can keep them as close to you as you need. Sending you lots of love (as if it's worth a thing) and wishing you healing and happiness when time allows
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. My husband and I have looked at making jewellery; he really wanted to do it and I was apprehensive as I wasnāt sure I wanted her with me everyday, everywhere I went. I was also terrified of losing herā¦ again. Then I considered placing her with my Papa who passed away a few weeks after she did, but then I got upset that she wasnāt with me, but she would be on the other side of the UK.
Itās so complicated. The only thing we have agreed on is whoever dies first, she is placed with them. Even now Iām not sure if thatās the right thing to do.
I think jewelery is a nice idea. There's no rule that says you have to wear it. You might consider having a "necklace" made, for instance, then display it in a frame next to your favourite picture of her.
Perhaps even (and I assume you would be going the synthetic diamond route), if she had a favourite necklace that's suitable, you could have it altered to mount the gem into that and then display it. It would then stay safe in your home and provide a nice focal point to remember her.
These are just a couple of suggestions but there are lots of options along these lines you might consider. Another - quite a bit more out of the box - is a cremation portrait, where the ashes are used in the paint for a portrait of your loved one. The point is there are lots of options to consider these days; when you are ready of course.
I admire your strength and healing, honestly, you are amazing. You've been through the absolute worst thing a parent can ever go through, and you and your husband are still together, supporting each other and are on the same page. That's not nothing. That is something you should be really proud of.
There is no rush to do anything and I think you'll never regret not doing something with your lovely girl's ashes but you might regret doing something that you later decide was a bad idea. Remember, most of these things, if you are thinking of jewellery/portraits/tattoos only require about a teaspoon of the ashes. It's not an 'all or nothing' thing. So some could be scattered with your papa, some could be used in tattoo ink/a portrait, some could be spread in your daughter's favourite place, some could be buried with you and your husband. Or, they can all be kept together until you've decided what is most appropriate. It all just takes time to decide, or maybe you'll never decide. Take care, lovely.
We still have my brothers remains, he died suddenly in 2006. We take in turns who has him at their house, at the moment he is at my dadās, he was at mine until I went on holiday. You donāt have to scatter them, my mum wants me to keep hers when she goes so I can chat with her every day. When my time comes, we will put to rest together, with maybe some remains placed in places that mean something to us.
Thank you for telling me this. I wish someone had sat me down and told me about āafterā the cremation. I feel like I have an area of the house that I canāt even go into and I feel so guilty that sheās in there, along with my Dadās belongings that I canāt bare to even touch.
I think this is so sweet that you take turns and heās at his dads š
His remains are in a Winnie the Pooh box, there are little trinkets in there with him and some fairy lights. He actually gets a spot on the sofa, so heās watching tv with us (I know that sounds odd,donāt care) unless we have company over then Iāll move him to my room. I find it a comfort to have him there, itās been nearly 18 years since he passed. Big hugs to you, no one can tell you how to grieve or whatās the right/wrong way.
Took me about 17 years to scatter my dad's ashes. And tbh the only people I have actually told is you reddiors.
I took them on my motorcycle to a place my dad loved (he also loved motorcycles)
You have have the strength my friend I promise you that.
Wishing you all the best, don't let anyone ever get you down as you are a phenomenally strong person!
Do what is right for you, keep her with you if that is what helps you the most. She would want you to do what brings you the most comfort, and that can change over time as well :) much love!
Oh Iām so very sorry.
I hope youāre doing ok; I canāt imagine what youāve been through.
We donāt know one another, but I wish you well!
You have an apt username. Iām sure youāre stronger than you know.
My uncle never scattered my granddad's ashes. After my uncle died, we found the ashes in the porch still in a plastic tub (my uncle lived in my late granddad's home). At least my granddad got to rest in peace in the home he loved.
A lot of the responsibility\* rests on the shoulders of your brother I'm afraid. He should be the one to take his wife to one side and tell her she's being incredibly rude and insensitive on an important day.
EDIT - By responsibility, I mean burden. If she's insensitive enough to get this drunk and be this rude it might be best to hear it from her husband, not brother-in-law, even though he himself has done nothing wrong and is in mourning too.
While you're not wrong that the brother should be taking her to one side, 100% of the responsibility is on her shoulders. Grown adults shouldn't need their manners tending to
It's a shit situation for the brother too. He's scattering his mum's ashes and the person he's supposed to be able to rely on most in the world is treating it as a bender.
Yeah. Dude has presumably lost his mum somewhat recently and his wife decides to act like that. Last thing I imagine he wants is to babysit his adult wife.
Different people cope with grief in different ways. Getting wombled isn't the best way but it's an avoidant behaviour I can understand. It's a way to numb the pain, albeit temporarily.
We blaming abuse victims now?
Imagine a bloke getting shitfaced at his mother-in-law's funeral and pressuring the extended family to just dump the ashes in some weeds. We wouldn't really think to say the wife should take him to one side.
We quickly understand that she is also mourning the loss of her mum. We'd also question why the husband isn't supporting her and what goes on behind closed doors.
Thereās no need to gender swap here. She is acting a twat and needs to be told so. If she was a bloke, then he would be acting a twat and should be told so.
Nah... It's just people trying to make a point about how good they are at spotting sexism.
JustAMan1234567's comment is pretty off the mark in my view (although has a lot of upvotes, so not sure everyone would agree). In my view Glittering-Exam-8511 has it right: the situation is not OP's brother's responsibility at all. It's his wife's.
I think Midnight7000 thinks the same. But they have read between the lines of JustAMan's comment and concluded that the underlying subtext is that they believe the brother's wife has diminished responsibility on the grounds of being a woman, and that her husband (the man) should be responsible instead.
So Midnight believes JustAMan is being sexist, and has attempted to make this point by reversing the gender roles in the situation. Presumably believing that in the gender-swapped version no reasonable person would conclude that it's the man who is responsible, and would instead question whether the man was abusing the woman behind closed doors.
So no, Midnight is not suggesting the wife's being abused. They're saying that the wife's behaviour is unacceptable, and suggesting that the brother might be the abuse victim in this scenario.
No, think the point they're trying to make is that she's a twat independently anyway, and the husband is grieving so shouldn't be accountable for her shitty behaviour. I think
I donāt think youāre wrong (and clearly nor do other people as another comment that says something similar has 50 upvotes), but your phrasing is quite aggressive and people donāt like that (which is why you have 11 downvotes). By opening with āwe blaming abuse victims?ā it sounds like youāre accusing people who are trying to be sympathetic of being arseholes. Iām sure this wasnāt your intention but I do think the world would be a lot better if we tried to speak kindly to each other and be less confrontational.
>We wouldn't really think to say the wife should take him to one side.
Honestly, that's the first thing that would come to mind for me. I'd quietly have a word with the wife to see if she couldn't get him to stop.
I'm stating that the brother is the victim of domestic abuse. It's not a suggestion. Behaving like that around a partner's friends and family is a form of abuse.
It is highly insensitive to recommend putting blame on the shoulders of the brother when he is also dealing with the abuse of his mother and has the added kick in the teeth of being let down by his wife.
Ah yeah fair enough- I thought you were angling that the woman was a drunkard irritant because she is the victim of abuse.
I agree, if it was a husband of a sister, the brothers would have a direct confrontation with him as opposed to asking the wife to sort her fella out.
I donāt think that automatically means sheās abusive , sheās being a selfish , insensitive twat and maybe is one generally but sheās not abusing anyone , not even verbally
I mean getting drunk around your partners family, no matter where you are or what you're doing, isn't abuse by itself and it would require a lot of extrapolating to reach that point.
Getting drunk at a funeral for their mother, pestering them to wrap up the service, and suggesting scattering the ashes in the weeds falls under the umbrella of emotional abuse.
If you cannot see that, I suggest you spend some time on Google looking up the forms of abuse instead of wasting people's time on Reddit.
My wife got some of her dad's ashes made into a jet necklace in Whitby at Ebor Jetworks (well, two matching ones, one for her and one for her sister), she wore it on our wedding day so he could be with her.
If you don't find somewhere to scatter, it might be nice to have that.
Ebor Jetworks is very nice, I bought many sets of earrings last year. The couple who runs it are very good conversationalists. Highly recommend them, can't wait to go back!
My dad did all the work when grandad died. Then my aunt came down from London and took gran out to scatter the ashes WITHOUT HIM. I have never been so close to throwing hands with someone 30 years older than me.
My SIL completely took over scattering our MIL's ashes. Arranged it all without us, invited her family (who MIL barely knew) but none of MIL's decades long friends, had one of her lot film it on their phone (because it don't go on Facebook then it didn't happen babe xx), gave a speech and then started chucking the ashes before anyone else could step up to say anything. BIL (MIL's son) just stood there like a soggy cumsock.
Needless to say, Mrs I'm-The-Main-Character is not well thought of with the older ladies around here. Or us.
Or just tell the wife that she's acting like a cunt and ruining it for the actual family?
I dated an alcoholic once and she would drink to excess and ruin literally everything. Took her to my dad's for dinner once, she downed the entire bottle of wine in 5 minutes (the wine for the entire family) then started telling my dad that she didn't like my step mom as she hadn't bought her her own bottle of wine. We ended up leaving and driving home to London, rather than staying the night. Before anyone points out this story has wine and driving in it, I had not had a drop as piss-head drank literally all of it.
Obviously I don't know your family circumstances, but your brother may need some support from you. That sounds like inappropriate levels of drinking. Even if it's just being someone to talk to about it, it can be really helpful. Living with someone with alcohol issues isn't fun.
Of course, I may have misinterpreted what is going on, in which case I will shut up.
This is a great response, I hope OP sees it because it's looking at the situation from another -very plausible- perspective.
Ultimately, a good chat with the brother is required whatever the reason for the behaviour.
Yep. As someone with a couple of problem drinkers in the family, sister in law sounds like a binge drinker at best, a full blown alcoholic at worst.Ā
OP - people in active addiction will do nothing but drain everyone else of their time, money and will to live. If both your brother and his wife are in denial about her problems, I'd highly recommend staying as far away as possible until they're ready to confront the issue. This situation will only get much, much worse.Ā
Or perhaps the sister-in-law isnāt dealing with the loss particularly well and is drinking as a coping mechanism.
Without context it is hard to judge.
In times of grief it is often hard look outside of yourself and see the struggles of others, especially those not related by blood. Emotions and tensions run high.
It is something definitely worthy of a proper conversation with all parties, unless of course the sister-in-law has always been a dick, in which case she can get in the sea.
Nah.
Alcohol lowers people's inhibitions. Someone who is drinking themselves stupid because of grief isn't going to just want to dump the ashes in some weeds and get on with the day.
I applaud your empathetic nature but in this instance you're being too charitable when it comes to bad behaviour.
We scattered my old manās ashes the other day. Weād been waiting as we couldnāt decide and then the local football club built a new stand so they went in the foundations. MF had been in there so long theyād all got stuck. Had to chisel him out with a screwdriver š god rest his soul in paradise š
That's a great memory š„² My great auntie knocked into her husband's ashes as she was hoovering and in a split second, she'd hoovered a large portion of him up. š¤£
This made me laugh when I read it last night as something similar happened. I had a small jar of Dad's ashes (Mum also had some, so that was nice, free flowing thankfully). I had to winkle Dad out with something sharp, he was really wedged in.
I was going to suggest somehow fixing her to the top of the whalebone arch and leaving her to the elements.
I assume you mean chuck the sister in law off the swing bridge? :)
I hope this thought helps:
My mum was buried rather than cremated but over years of feeling guilty because I donāt like visiting the grave, Iāve come to realise that whatās more important are the love and memories and things she taught me that I carry with me every day, rather than where she was laid to rest. I hope your own memories give you comfort even if thatās not always the case when grief is so raw.
So itās important that you do whatever helps you the most. If thatās scattering her ashes somewhere special, it can take you the next 40 years if you want to, and your sister in law, frankly, can go fuck herself. She has no idea what youāre going through, one of the hardest things most of us have to face in life.
With you on that. I do not think constantly of my deceased parents or favourite aunty ( all cremated) but I do on occasion. When I do, I focus pleasantly on memories for a little while. I think that is enough. I have never had much interest in ritual or tradition, but all for it if it helps folk to deal with life. After my Mumās funeral I went, with my sons, to her house to make a rough estimate of the time Iād need to clear it. I found a box with a plastic bag of āsandā in it in a cupboard. I thought it was a probably souvenir from a beach holiday my parents had been on as they had quite a lot of holiday stuff, like large rock crystals etc. My son said,ā I think that might be whatās left of your Dad.ā
The ashes eventually were mixed and spread by my brother. I did not go along due to being busy sorting my executor duties. I find it confusing to relate ashes to a living person. Regarding the OP. Iām sorry that his sister in law made his day more difficult than necessary. Possibly she was struggling with the idea of mortality. Most of us, quite reasonably, do. Itās fairly final.
Does she have a drinking problem? Why didn't your brother have a word?
Someone else has said go back without her.
I say push her off a cliff or get her on one of those tourist boats first and pay them more to take her out alone
Sorry to hear your brothers wife is an alcoholic.
Thatās not an excuse btwā¦.but I have never met anyone who couldnāt control themselves at a time like this and not get drunk and obnoxious who wasnāt an alcoholic.
Do not let this colour the important thing you are doing to remember your mum, as others have said, maybe take some for yourself and do it exactly how you wanted.
You are amazing. Unless youāre typing with one hand while sharpening a knife with the other. Or maybe thatās what Iād be doing. Iām in the process of settling my momās estate, and I have found that a death in the family brings out the true nature in people. Sheās despicable. Thereās something behind the behavior, jealousy, attention seeking, etc, and your brother should address it. A mentally healthy person doesnāt behave like this when her partnerās family is grieving. If youāre staying overnight and planning to sprinkle the ashes tomorrow, youāre well within your rights to ask that she stay behind in the bar.
On a positive note, it was nice of your sister in law to come out of the sewer for the trip... Joking aside, don't let some dirty arse fish wife ruin your memories of the occasion. Don't get mad because she's not worth it. Instead, get even by making everything for her more difficult going forward. Little things that require no forethought or effort on your part but when the opportunities present, things you know that will piss her off. Now go chill out and enjoy a drink yourself, in a different pub to that daft pisshead of course.
Iām so sorry the day didnāt go as smoothly as it could have. I hope youāre feeling a bit better today but equally sending you hugs if not.
Would you like to share a nice memory of your mum? I would love to read about her. I hope when I go my babies share memories of me, memories are how we live on.
My father split with my mother and moved back to Norfolk where all his family were from, when he died his new wife divied up his ashes, she put my share in an empty tin of beans that she put a clear lid on the top. And that's just how it's stayed, much to my wife's annoyance I like to refer to it as my can of pop!
In the morning, over breakfast, be nice as pie and drop something in like "mum'd like this. She wouldn't have been a fan of the state you were in yesterday though. At least you had fun though, yeah?" And then take your leave.
Out of interest, your brother's wife's name doesn't begin with a J does it?
I'm so sorry for your loss. However I won't be sorry for your brother's loss when he tells his wife to fuck off and hopefully gets a new, better wife. X
With any luck on the day your brother needs to scatter her ashes you can both give her the respect she has earned and find the nearest loo to dump them in before having a celebratory drink.
We spread my grandad ashes in a hole beach on a beach , and I noticed that it really affected my mother who began to get noticeably upset so me and my sister came together with her for a hug and all cried until I looked down and realised we were all standing it the same hole weād just put the ashes so naturally the tears turned to laughter sorry grandad š
My Mum and Dads ashes are spread at Whitby too, along side what is now a fenced footpath opposite the Abby overlooking the harbour and sea, Whitby reminded them of Port Stanley in the Falkland Islands where Dad met Mum and they married in WW2 then dad brought her home to England, before the fence was put up Myself and My two Sisters with our partners spread their ashes over two seperate ocassions, Dad first then Mum, we found it hard to find the same place to do this but agreed it was close enough for them to be together again, now that there is a fenced footpath I fixed a brass disc with their names, birth and death dates on it to a post that luckely again is quite near to where their ashes are, I told My two Sisters what I had done and asked them to have a look and to say if they approved, they said it was fun looking for the disc and where overjoyed upon finding it, We the family hope as time goes by and the post rots away and when replaced some caring workman see's the disc and move's the it to the new post, as we probably will not be on this earth by then.
This sounds lovely.
Due to the tension, we just got it done.
We've hidden padlocks engraved with mums name and dates, I don't think anyone else will ever see them.
We are having a paving slab put down near the whalebones, something that will hopefully last a few hundred years.
We visit Whitby quite regularly, so it'll be lovely to go and remember them both.
I forgot about those whalebones ( believe they are from a Whales jaw) another reason of the Port Stanley link up to Mum and Dad, as it had a small Waleing community there, Mum's parents were sheep farmers that lived out on the moors, nice to hear you did something like I did with My Disc, no I don't suppose I will be able to see the padlocks, but I will be able to see your paving slab, so only if you want to and if it isn't against Redit's rules, what was your mothers name, so I will know it when I see it.
I've edited this so that I don't doxx myself.
Thank you, we'll give it a go and see if this gets removed.
We're having one engraved with mum and dad, as they were devoted to each other.
We are having mum and dad's names and together forever. There's already a plaque with some other names and the same sentiment, but that one is at the top near the flag pole.
I've no idea when they'll put it down. It'll be lovely to think that someone I made a connection with over the ether will visit them. Mum and Dad made a friend of everyone they met.
What a disgusting and disrespectful way to act. Something like scattering ashes should be a special and lovely occasion to remember the person and say goodbye to them, one of the last places you should get drunk and make a nuisance of yourself. You need a Nobel Prize for managing not to yell at your SIL and/or slap her round the face. She needs to face some kind of consequence for this, and if sheās drinking that much on this sort of occasion she might well have a problem, so if I was you Iād be calling your brother, making sure he talks to her about it, and telling him that you want to be around her as little as possible until she changes her behaviour or is getting some help to change it.
Sorry to hear that this occasion was spoilt in this way.
From what youāre describing it sounds like your SIL is an alcoholic.
While itās no excuse for this, it may be a reason for her unbalanced behaviour and only one example of the kind of world your brother has to live in.
I was raised with an alcoholic and they would often ruin things like this with their addiction.
You posted four hours ago saying that she's still drinking? Most people have barely started by 7pm! Was she drunk the whole day?! It sounds like she has a problem, especially as others weren't drinking at that time. If she does, in fact, have a drinking problem, it doesn't excuse her behaviour but it may explain it. I'm so sorry this occasion has been ruined by the thoughtless drunk. It'd have been better if she weren't there at all rather than showing up drunk, rude, offensive and nasty. I hope the rest of you manage to get some peace and closure, despite the unfortunate alkie piping up inappropriately
Iād cancel then go back on another occasion minus the piss artist. He can leave her at home to get sozzled on her own.
If she carries on drinking like that, sheāll be next.
Id keep the ashes aside. Apologise to everyone and explain that due to her behaviour you don't feel like proceeding and the event is cancelled,to be rescheduled with a more selective audience.
You havent mentioned your brothers response in this. Is he also part of the problem?
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Am I the only person that thinks the whole idea of scattering ashes is nonsense? When I die, my body is being donated to medical science but when I'm eventually cremated, my ashes can go in the bin. They're just ash!
Hey OP. We had a stained glass suncatcher made of the view where we scattered my FIL ashes. It might be worth taking a few snaps of the view today in case you want to do something like that. I still have my dogās ashes on my bookshelf. Heās not going anywhere yet.
People here who have scattered ashes, can I ask a delicate question please? Itās just over a year since my dad was cremated and I was talking to my mum about maybe putting some of his ashes (sealed) into a planter and potting a plant with his name for outside the front door.
But then she said that someone had told her that sometimes there are teeth in the ashes that didnāt burnā¦ is this true?? Google seems to say āit dependsā. If so, neither of us really want to risk opening the shaker box thing tbh.
Thanks to all who answer, and apologies if Iāve upset anyone.
Hi, some things that are great about the replies on this thread are the support that's been offered to the grieving, and the questions asked.
I can tell you that there are larger parts of a body that don't burn completely, hard parts like teeth and large bones. These are ground up after everything has cooled, so when you look at the ashes they will look like fine powder and larger flakes. Nothing will look like a body part, it is just ash.
If you are thinking of scattering, then a scatter tube is easy to use. When you transfer the ashes do it on a calm day outside, in case of 'accidents', and make sure the wind is blowing away from you when you scatter later.
From my experience, it's not as awful to actually scatter them as you may think, emotionally - that's as different as there are different people.
So my Nana requested her ashes to be scattered in three places. The lighthouse near where she lived, the Taj Mahal that she used to visit with her partner andā¦ the local dog park.
She was a very funny person, taught me how to card count at the age of 8. Was potentially the most stubborn person on the planet ( I always remind my mum of their arguments when she winds me up)
Rest in peace Nana. Especially in the dog park
People deal with grief differently, and whatever way is best for you is okay. Some people do deal with death by drinking, at my uncles wake there was a big piss up and it was a really happy time with lots of laughter and tears and nobody took themselves too seriously.
Iām not saying that her behaviour is appropriate on this occasion, and I understand she isnāt blood related to the deceased, however that doesnāt mean sheās coping. Even if sheās not directly grieving your mum, any death close to us and our family brings up memories of other loved ones who have died, it may be the only coping mechanism that she knows.
And hey, weāve all said some really dumb things while drunk. I expect she will feel really stupid when she sobers up.
It may feel disrespectful to you, and that could be something you want to bring up sometime afterwards, but right now your emotions are going to be heightened, so best to leave these conversations until a time when things have settled a little. Just remember, sheās allowed to grieve even if she wasnāt blood related, if drinking is her coping mechanism then sheās allowed to do that too, and if she says anything stupid, try to remember she is drunk and she may say things without realising itās disrespectful. Iām not saying that makes it right, but thatās a conversation for another time when the dust has settled a little.
We had to wait nearly two years to scatter my grandma's ashes waiting for my aunt to come over from New Zealand (COVID reasons, mostly). I'm not sure how my mum would have coped if this had all still been raw.
My auntie and her husband met their son in London and drove up to my grandad's, but they were meeting us at the site (a stream). My parents had driven up to my grandad's house where I live with my grandad. So there were seven of us.
My mum got here and while my dad got my wheelchair-bound grandad into the car, me and my mum set to work getting my box-bound grandma into seven Sainsbury's sandwich bags. This was all my mum's plan so I just went along with it. We stood in the basement and used the washing machine as a workbench. She also brought latex gloves for us to wear because god forbid this should be unhygenic.
The only thing we had as a scoop was the one that came with my Oxy Clean stain remover, so I took on the task of scooping her up into seven equal portions, with the finer dust coating both us and every surface. Good job we had the gloves though!
It took a really, really long time. There was too much grandma for the seven bags to tie comfortably so a lot of her got on the outside of the bags. They went into a Sainsbury's carrier bag which - after we arrived at the car park near the stream - I held open for everyone to grab one like I was doling out sandwiches to excited children at a picnic.
The pouring of the ashes was quite uneventful, but everyone was patting themselves down and wiping grandma off their pants when we awkwardly reassembled for a group photo to mark the ~~farrago debacle~~ occasion.
Thankfully we didn't have a second-tier family member with a drinking problem causing everyone unnecessary pain, but there does tend to be one at this kind of thing.
Happy cake day!
That sounds like a nightmare, but some people are pretty blind to some things.
I took my mum outside to put her into a scatter tube, so the finer particles are in the garden.
It's never great, but it doesn't have to be really awful.
She obviously not only has a drink problem and impulse control . I feel sorry for your brother and a bit upset he didnāt talk her down and drop her in a more suitable place ( like a Weather spoons ) whilst the respectful could remain . But as you say one pissed up moronic can never tarnish your lovely mum xxx Iām sorry for your loss š x I canāt help but wonder what your mother would have made of it all ? X
She would have acted with decorum, but she would have been very disappointed. We would probably have talked about it together later and she would definitely have said something to my brother.
My ex and I went to a bit of rural coastline to scatter her dad's ashes. I watched as she stood on the edge of a cliff and hoyed a box full of ash into the wind, which blew I t all back at us and into my mouth, hair and eyes. It's got a surprisingly gritty mouth feel but smells like ordinary ash. I used to say that I went down on her mum.
On a still overcast day, an ex RAF member had their ashes scattered on the edge of the lesser used runway at an RAF base.
There was no group āscatteringā the ashes, but merely an RAF Chaplain and one family member.
The ashes were essentially ātippedā out in a pile onto the grass and that was it, doneā¦ā¦ā¦..until some time later, a taxying C130 (Hercules) passed by and onto the main runway, the cloud of ash was an incredible sight to behold from my vantage point in the control tower and the ashes were then well and truly scattered.
Perhaps that was the plan all along š¤·š¼
People have tried scattering the ashes of dead aviators from the windows of light aircraft.
It generally doesn't go well though, the airflow blows half the ashes straight back in, usually all over the grieving relatives in the back seat.
If she doesn't understand the significance and is drinking heavily it's possible her own mum deserved the weeds.
Or she's a habitual narcissist. Or maybe there's a dearth of empathy due to neurodiversity - none of the above being mutually exclusive.
Either way it needs to called out for the benefit of humanity, your own feelings and the wellbeing of your family.
Sorry this happened, but people sometimes do.
My friend went on holiday with her relatively new boyfriend to Copenhagen, where he was originally from. They went to a river with his family and they were all talking in danish and she didnāt understand so she wandered to the edge of the water and took her shoes off for a paddle. When she turned around they were tearfully throwing grandads ashes into the river, and she found out the hard way that she was definitely not supposed to be paddling about like a child. They broke up on that holiday.
Leave her in the pub and you do you. I've had my Father's ashes in a Rose plant pot for nearly 20 years and nobody will ever tell me what to do with them ever.
Your Mum. End of story.
When I scattered my Dad's ashes my the sea, the wind blew some of the ashes back towards me and they promptly stuck to my slightly wet shoes. So I spent the rest of the day walking around with bits of my Dad on my feet.
Have a word with your brother. She's clearly an awful person at the best of times, but it's unacceptable fir her nit to just keep her mouth shut given the circumstances.
As obnoxious as your sister-in-law is, your brother has let the family down on this occasion by not sorting her out. As soon as it obvious she was not in a fit state, she should not be there.
I agree but I wonder if the brother was focusing on the task at hand? Or more likely she is often like this (drunk and bloody selfish) and he doesnāt even notice anymore.
He should have left her back at the hotel, or if she didnāt want to come - stay at the hotel herself saying itās just for them. Basically so many better options than what she did!
This is such an awful thing to say to someone.
Something like that takes as long as it takes ya big massive weirdo. Part of the whole experience should have been them walking around Whitby trying to think of somewhere whilst they thought about old memories and stuff.
Keep some to the side, go back yourself.
I almost lost it (laughing) a few weeks back when my partner's family started divvying out their relatives ashes into different things to take some home. Ziploc bags, expensive onyx urns, a box of matches, and my favourite; a water bottle.
My dad was a photographer and film canisters where all over the house. I have some of my mom to take to the top of Snowden, it's currently in a small medicine bottle but I do keep thinking how ironic putting her in a film canisters would be.
Yr Wyddfa
I was given a baggy of my friend lol
still had some of the original substance in it?
This is the best suggestion.
Save a leg
Fuck man!š
Next time go by bus. Youāll save an arm and a leg
nice, dont break it
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
The brothers wife? Sounds fair enough.Ā
>I did tell her that when it comes time to scatter her mum's ashes (her mum is still alive), then she can decide.Ā Excellent reply. Mine would have been similar, but less polite.
Iād have scattered the sister-in-law across whitby
This wins the internet for yesterday (am reading this today so keeping options open for todayās win).
šÆ
Whole lot less polite. Some anglo-saxon would be employed while I describe how far away they can fuck while I do my thing
I know a lad who went to Whitby for the day during the goth weekend and saw a bunch of people in a circle all in black. He thought it was some sort of Druid/witchy thing so went to get a look. They were just dressed in black to scatter some ashes and as they let them go the wind blew some of them into my mateās mouth.
That's Goth as tbf
I remember as a child in Whitby seeing a man being walked like a dog by a gothic lady. Was very confusing at the time
You donāt see much of that anymore since the Goth to Boss program became more prevalent in the sub culture. Well maybe in traffic wardens.
[Sorry for your loss and move on](https://youtu.be/6ztxYDaxyd8?t=44)
The ungrateful dead.
A little Whitby story for you. Weāre sat on the edge of the harbour watching my little cousin crab. A hired boat goes past with a party and my other cousin waves as you do with people on boats. One of the passengers makes the show us your tits gesture, and my grandma pretends to lift her top, only the wind catches it showing her anything but revealing bra. Sheās mortified but glad it was a new bra, and says at least sheāll never see them again. Obviously they dock not far from us on the way back and walk past us. They then explain that they were scattering their dadās ashes and he would have found it all bloody hilarious and itās now my grandmaās favourite story
Omg thatās funny! Iām so glad they stopped to tell you all heād have loved her flashing! She made a sad situation hilarious for them.
How marvellous! Great story.
Your little cousin's a crab?
You take your time and do it when you are ready. Do not let anyone influence you especially a drunk. When my wife passed away I kept her ashes for 6 months because I just didn't feel it. Then one day I had been out and got home, grabbed the ashes and walked down to my local beach and scattered them.
I still have my daughterās ashes in a closet. Itās been 3 years. I hope I get the strength like you one day.
There are no rules around grief. It's a process that everybody experiences differently. I've not lost a child, and honestly that's my biggest fear, but I lost my husband suddenly and quite horrifically. All I noticed was that the one thing that eventually helps is 'time' and that's the one thing you cannot rush. One day, you might find yourself waking up not crying, and then you feel guilty for not crying, but this is all part of the process. Ashes do not need to be scattered. They can be kept close to you for as long as you need them to be. My lovely friends paid for me to have a bracelet made from some of the ashes from my husband. You could look into something like that, if and when you feel ready. You could have a ring made from them, or a pendant, for example. Or, you can keep them as close to you as you need. Sending you lots of love (as if it's worth a thing) and wishing you healing and happiness when time allows
Great reply
Thank you so much for sharing this with me. My husband and I have looked at making jewellery; he really wanted to do it and I was apprehensive as I wasnāt sure I wanted her with me everyday, everywhere I went. I was also terrified of losing herā¦ again. Then I considered placing her with my Papa who passed away a few weeks after she did, but then I got upset that she wasnāt with me, but she would be on the other side of the UK. Itās so complicated. The only thing we have agreed on is whoever dies first, she is placed with them. Even now Iām not sure if thatās the right thing to do.
I think jewelery is a nice idea. There's no rule that says you have to wear it. You might consider having a "necklace" made, for instance, then display it in a frame next to your favourite picture of her. Perhaps even (and I assume you would be going the synthetic diamond route), if she had a favourite necklace that's suitable, you could have it altered to mount the gem into that and then display it. It would then stay safe in your home and provide a nice focal point to remember her. These are just a couple of suggestions but there are lots of options along these lines you might consider. Another - quite a bit more out of the box - is a cremation portrait, where the ashes are used in the paint for a portrait of your loved one. The point is there are lots of options to consider these days; when you are ready of course.
I admire your strength and healing, honestly, you are amazing. You've been through the absolute worst thing a parent can ever go through, and you and your husband are still together, supporting each other and are on the same page. That's not nothing. That is something you should be really proud of. There is no rush to do anything and I think you'll never regret not doing something with your lovely girl's ashes but you might regret doing something that you later decide was a bad idea. Remember, most of these things, if you are thinking of jewellery/portraits/tattoos only require about a teaspoon of the ashes. It's not an 'all or nothing' thing. So some could be scattered with your papa, some could be used in tattoo ink/a portrait, some could be spread in your daughter's favourite place, some could be buried with you and your husband. Or, they can all be kept together until you've decided what is most appropriate. It all just takes time to decide, or maybe you'll never decide. Take care, lovely.
We still have my brothers remains, he died suddenly in 2006. We take in turns who has him at their house, at the moment he is at my dadās, he was at mine until I went on holiday. You donāt have to scatter them, my mum wants me to keep hers when she goes so I can chat with her every day. When my time comes, we will put to rest together, with maybe some remains placed in places that mean something to us.
Thank you for telling me this. I wish someone had sat me down and told me about āafterā the cremation. I feel like I have an area of the house that I canāt even go into and I feel so guilty that sheās in there, along with my Dadās belongings that I canāt bare to even touch. I think this is so sweet that you take turns and heās at his dads š
His remains are in a Winnie the Pooh box, there are little trinkets in there with him and some fairy lights. He actually gets a spot on the sofa, so heās watching tv with us (I know that sounds odd,donāt care) unless we have company over then Iāll move him to my room. I find it a comfort to have him there, itās been nearly 18 years since he passed. Big hugs to you, no one can tell you how to grieve or whatās the right/wrong way.
Took me about 17 years to scatter my dad's ashes. And tbh the only people I have actually told is you reddiors. I took them on my motorcycle to a place my dad loved (he also loved motorcycles)
That sounds like a cool last journey for the ashes.
ā¤ļøš«¶š¼
You have have the strength my friend I promise you that. Wishing you all the best, don't let anyone ever get you down as you are a phenomenally strong person!
Sometimes I donāt feel strong at all!!! Thank you so much xxx
I'm so very sorry. Please accept a virtual hug.
It sounds like you have enormous strength just by getting up in the morning šŗ š· š¹
Do what is right for you, keep her with you if that is what helps you the most. She would want you to do what brings you the most comfort, and that can change over time as well :) much love!
Oh Iām so very sorry. I hope youāre doing ok; I canāt imagine what youāve been through. We donāt know one another, but I wish you well! You have an apt username. Iām sure youāre stronger than you know.
My uncle never scattered my granddad's ashes. After my uncle died, we found the ashes in the porch still in a plastic tub (my uncle lived in my late granddad's home). At least my granddad got to rest in peace in the home he loved.
A lot of the responsibility\* rests on the shoulders of your brother I'm afraid. He should be the one to take his wife to one side and tell her she's being incredibly rude and insensitive on an important day. EDIT - By responsibility, I mean burden. If she's insensitive enough to get this drunk and be this rude it might be best to hear it from her husband, not brother-in-law, even though he himself has done nothing wrong and is in mourning too.
While you're not wrong that the brother should be taking her to one side, 100% of the responsibility is on her shoulders. Grown adults shouldn't need their manners tending to It's a shit situation for the brother too. He's scattering his mum's ashes and the person he's supposed to be able to rely on most in the world is treating it as a bender.
Yeah. Dude has presumably lost his mum somewhat recently and his wife decides to act like that. Last thing I imagine he wants is to babysit his adult wife.
Different people cope with grief in different ways. Getting wombled isn't the best way but it's an avoidant behaviour I can understand. It's a way to numb the pain, albeit temporarily.
We blaming abuse victims now? Imagine a bloke getting shitfaced at his mother-in-law's funeral and pressuring the extended family to just dump the ashes in some weeds. We wouldn't really think to say the wife should take him to one side. We quickly understand that she is also mourning the loss of her mum. We'd also question why the husband isn't supporting her and what goes on behind closed doors.
Thereās no need to gender swap here. She is acting a twat and needs to be told so. If she was a bloke, then he would be acting a twat and should be told so.
Iām baffled by midnightās comment above. Are they trying to justify the wifeās pisshead behaviour by implying sheās abused by the husband?
Nah... It's just people trying to make a point about how good they are at spotting sexism. JustAMan1234567's comment is pretty off the mark in my view (although has a lot of upvotes, so not sure everyone would agree). In my view Glittering-Exam-8511 has it right: the situation is not OP's brother's responsibility at all. It's his wife's. I think Midnight7000 thinks the same. But they have read between the lines of JustAMan's comment and concluded that the underlying subtext is that they believe the brother's wife has diminished responsibility on the grounds of being a woman, and that her husband (the man) should be responsible instead. So Midnight believes JustAMan is being sexist, and has attempted to make this point by reversing the gender roles in the situation. Presumably believing that in the gender-swapped version no reasonable person would conclude that it's the man who is responsible, and would instead question whether the man was abusing the woman behind closed doors. So no, Midnight is not suggesting the wife's being abused. They're saying that the wife's behaviour is unacceptable, and suggesting that the brother might be the abuse victim in this scenario.
No, think the point they're trying to make is that she's a twat independently anyway, and the husband is grieving so shouldn't be accountable for her shitty behaviour. I think
I donāt think youāre wrong (and clearly nor do other people as another comment that says something similar has 50 upvotes), but your phrasing is quite aggressive and people donāt like that (which is why you have 11 downvotes). By opening with āwe blaming abuse victims?ā it sounds like youāre accusing people who are trying to be sympathetic of being arseholes. Iām sure this wasnāt your intention but I do think the world would be a lot better if we tried to speak kindly to each other and be less confrontational.
>We wouldn't really think to say the wife should take him to one side. Honestly, that's the first thing that would come to mind for me. I'd quietly have a word with the wife to see if she couldn't get him to stop.
Being a drunken and insensitive knobhead is called being a drunken insensitive knobhead. Who are you suggesting is a victim of abuse? Further, how?
I'm stating that the brother is the victim of domestic abuse. It's not a suggestion. Behaving like that around a partner's friends and family is a form of abuse. It is highly insensitive to recommend putting blame on the shoulders of the brother when he is also dealing with the abuse of his mother and has the added kick in the teeth of being let down by his wife.
Ah yeah fair enough- I thought you were angling that the woman was a drunkard irritant because she is the victim of abuse. I agree, if it was a husband of a sister, the brothers would have a direct confrontation with him as opposed to asking the wife to sort her fella out.
I donāt think that automatically means sheās abusive , sheās being a selfish , insensitive twat and maybe is one generally but sheās not abusing anyone , not even verbally
It doesn't matter what you think. That behaviour in and of itself is abusive.
I mean getting drunk around your partners family, no matter where you are or what you're doing, isn't abuse by itself and it would require a lot of extrapolating to reach that point.
Getting drunk at a funeral for their mother, pestering them to wrap up the service, and suggesting scattering the ashes in the weeds falls under the umbrella of emotional abuse. If you cannot see that, I suggest you spend some time on Google looking up the forms of abuse instead of wasting people's time on Reddit.
If you say so lad
My wife got some of her dad's ashes made into a jet necklace in Whitby at Ebor Jetworks (well, two matching ones, one for her and one for her sister), she wore it on our wedding day so he could be with her. If you don't find somewhere to scatter, it might be nice to have that.
Another recommendation for Ebor Jetworks! I have a wonderful ring from them that they resized for me as all their stock rings were too big!
Ebor Jetworks is very nice, I bought many sets of earrings last year. The couple who runs it are very good conversationalists. Highly recommend them, can't wait to go back!
Thatās an amazing idea, definitely something I would look to do with some of my mums ashes at some point.
My dad did all the work when grandad died. Then my aunt came down from London and took gran out to scatter the ashes WITHOUT HIM. I have never been so close to throwing hands with someone 30 years older than me.
My SIL completely took over scattering our MIL's ashes. Arranged it all without us, invited her family (who MIL barely knew) but none of MIL's decades long friends, had one of her lot film it on their phone (because it don't go on Facebook then it didn't happen babe xx), gave a speech and then started chucking the ashes before anyone else could step up to say anything. BIL (MIL's son) just stood there like a soggy cumsock. Needless to say, Mrs I'm-The-Main-Character is not well thought of with the older ladies around here. Or us.
That is appalling. Your poor dad.
Sounds like you might wanna have a chat with your brother
Or just tell the wife that she's acting like a cunt and ruining it for the actual family? I dated an alcoholic once and she would drink to excess and ruin literally everything. Took her to my dad's for dinner once, she downed the entire bottle of wine in 5 minutes (the wine for the entire family) then started telling my dad that she didn't like my step mom as she hadn't bought her her own bottle of wine. We ended up leaving and driving home to London, rather than staying the night. Before anyone points out this story has wine and driving in it, I had not had a drop as piss-head drank literally all of it.
Obviously I don't know your family circumstances, but your brother may need some support from you. That sounds like inappropriate levels of drinking. Even if it's just being someone to talk to about it, it can be really helpful. Living with someone with alcohol issues isn't fun. Of course, I may have misinterpreted what is going on, in which case I will shut up.
This is a great response, I hope OP sees it because it's looking at the situation from another -very plausible- perspective. Ultimately, a good chat with the brother is required whatever the reason for the behaviour.
Yep. As someone with a couple of problem drinkers in the family, sister in law sounds like a binge drinker at best, a full blown alcoholic at worst.Ā OP - people in active addiction will do nothing but drain everyone else of their time, money and will to live. If both your brother and his wife are in denial about her problems, I'd highly recommend staying as far away as possible until they're ready to confront the issue. This situation will only get much, much worse.Ā
I interpreted it the same. The SIL needs referring to r/stopdrinking
Or perhaps the sister-in-law isnāt dealing with the loss particularly well and is drinking as a coping mechanism. Without context it is hard to judge. In times of grief it is often hard look outside of yourself and see the struggles of others, especially those not related by blood. Emotions and tensions run high. It is something definitely worthy of a proper conversation with all parties, unless of course the sister-in-law has always been a dick, in which case she can get in the sea.
Nah. Alcohol lowers people's inhibitions. Someone who is drinking themselves stupid because of grief isn't going to just want to dump the ashes in some weeds and get on with the day. I applaud your empathetic nature but in this instance you're being too charitable when it comes to bad behaviour.
No. Lol she's being a rude cunt. You're too nice.
Yes. This is the measured response I wanted to see, as opposed to _"we're blaming abuse victims now?"_ , from the other idiot in this thread.
We scattered my old manās ashes the other day. Weād been waiting as we couldnāt decide and then the local football club built a new stand so they went in the foundations. MF had been in there so long theyād all got stuck. Had to chisel him out with a screwdriver š god rest his soul in paradise š
That's a great memory š„² My great auntie knocked into her husband's ashes as she was hoovering and in a split second, she'd hoovered a large portion of him up. š¤£
That must've sucked.
Well played š«”
This made me laugh when I read it last night as something similar happened. I had a small jar of Dad's ashes (Mum also had some, so that was nice, free flowing thankfully). I had to winkle Dad out with something sharp, he was really wedged in.
She sounds like an arsehole. How old is she?
Old enough to know better. (Iām sorry Iāve just completely turned into my Nan there)
Bloody hell, by that measure, I turned into my grandmother about 20 years ago!
And a dumbarse to boot.
Take your time. She sounds like an arsehole. You handled it way better than I would have.
Chuck her off the swing bridge.Ā
I was going to suggest somehow fixing her to the top of the whalebone arch and leaving her to the elements. I assume you mean chuck the sister in law off the swing bridge? :)
Oh yes, the sister!Ā
I hope this thought helps: My mum was buried rather than cremated but over years of feeling guilty because I donāt like visiting the grave, Iāve come to realise that whatās more important are the love and memories and things she taught me that I carry with me every day, rather than where she was laid to rest. I hope your own memories give you comfort even if thatās not always the case when grief is so raw. So itās important that you do whatever helps you the most. If thatās scattering her ashes somewhere special, it can take you the next 40 years if you want to, and your sister in law, frankly, can go fuck herself. She has no idea what youāre going through, one of the hardest things most of us have to face in life.
With you on that. I do not think constantly of my deceased parents or favourite aunty ( all cremated) but I do on occasion. When I do, I focus pleasantly on memories for a little while. I think that is enough. I have never had much interest in ritual or tradition, but all for it if it helps folk to deal with life. After my Mumās funeral I went, with my sons, to her house to make a rough estimate of the time Iād need to clear it. I found a box with a plastic bag of āsandā in it in a cupboard. I thought it was a probably souvenir from a beach holiday my parents had been on as they had quite a lot of holiday stuff, like large rock crystals etc. My son said,ā I think that might be whatās left of your Dad.ā The ashes eventually were mixed and spread by my brother. I did not go along due to being busy sorting my executor duties. I find it confusing to relate ashes to a living person. Regarding the OP. Iām sorry that his sister in law made his day more difficult than necessary. Possibly she was struggling with the idea of mortality. Most of us, quite reasonably, do. Itās fairly final.
Take her into the Dracula Experience and leave her there.Ā
The SIL or mum in her urn?
Does she have a drinking problem? Why didn't your brother have a word? Someone else has said go back without her. I say push her off a cliff or get her on one of those tourist boats first and pay them more to take her out alone
Sorry to hear that. Iād have been beyond livid if someone had tried to rush us when we scattered mums ashes. Your brother needs to have words
Donāt rush Take your time and even go back another time You only get one chance to do it right, and you should
Sorry to hear your brothers wife is an alcoholic. Thatās not an excuse btwā¦.but I have never met anyone who couldnāt control themselves at a time like this and not get drunk and obnoxious who wasnāt an alcoholic. Do not let this colour the important thing you are doing to remember your mum, as others have said, maybe take some for yourself and do it exactly how you wanted.
Trenchers still open? Had a lovely chicken there, 34yrs ago
Yes it's still great
You are amazing. Unless youāre typing with one hand while sharpening a knife with the other. Or maybe thatās what Iād be doing. Iām in the process of settling my momās estate, and I have found that a death in the family brings out the true nature in people. Sheās despicable. Thereās something behind the behavior, jealousy, attention seeking, etc, and your brother should address it. A mentally healthy person doesnāt behave like this when her partnerās family is grieving. If youāre staying overnight and planning to sprinkle the ashes tomorrow, youāre well within your rights to ask that she stay behind in the bar.
On a positive note, it was nice of your sister in law to come out of the sewer for the trip... Joking aside, don't let some dirty arse fish wife ruin your memories of the occasion. Don't get mad because she's not worth it. Instead, get even by making everything for her more difficult going forward. Little things that require no forethought or effort on your part but when the opportunities present, things you know that will piss her off. Now go chill out and enjoy a drink yourself, in a different pub to that daft pisshead of course.
āDirty arse fishwifeā is perfect š
Iām so sorry the day didnāt go as smoothly as it could have. I hope youāre feeling a bit better today but equally sending you hugs if not. Would you like to share a nice memory of your mum? I would love to read about her. I hope when I go my babies share memories of me, memories are how we live on.
You definitely need to get the family together to talk to your brother about his wife.
My father split with my mother and moved back to Norfolk where all his family were from, when he died his new wife divied up his ashes, she put my share in an empty tin of beans that she put a clear lid on the top. And that's just how it's stayed, much to my wife's annoyance I like to refer to it as my can of pop!
That is sad and splendid at the same time.
In the morning, over breakfast, be nice as pie and drop something in like "mum'd like this. She wouldn't have been a fan of the state you were in yesterday though. At least you had fun though, yeah?" And then take your leave. Out of interest, your brother's wife's name doesn't begin with a J does it?
Jerk, joke, jabberwocky, jackass. More than likely 1 of those I think š¤
Sorry for your loss
See if she does the right thing and apologise in the morning or latter. Not making excuses, but there could be deeper reasons for the drinking.
I'm so sorry for your loss. However I won't be sorry for your brother's loss when he tells his wife to fuck off and hopefully gets a new, better wife. X
https://youtu.be/Gf36aadQslo?si=YSzFI0hbtICJkVo4
With any luck on the day your brother needs to scatter her ashes you can both give her the respect she has earned and find the nearest loo to dump them in before having a celebratory drink.
Put some ashes in her tea the cheeky bitch.
What a horrible person she sounds like. Where abouts in Whitby would your mum like to be ??
I'd have told her you can go home if you want, if you don't want to be here.
Drunk.
Top of the vampire stairs up the abbey of course... nice and windy up there.
We spread my grandad ashes in a hole beach on a beach , and I noticed that it really affected my mother who began to get noticeably upset so me and my sister came together with her for a hug and all cried until I looked down and realised we were all standing it the same hole weād just put the ashes so naturally the tears turned to laughter sorry grandad š
My Mum and Dads ashes are spread at Whitby too, along side what is now a fenced footpath opposite the Abby overlooking the harbour and sea, Whitby reminded them of Port Stanley in the Falkland Islands where Dad met Mum and they married in WW2 then dad brought her home to England, before the fence was put up Myself and My two Sisters with our partners spread their ashes over two seperate ocassions, Dad first then Mum, we found it hard to find the same place to do this but agreed it was close enough for them to be together again, now that there is a fenced footpath I fixed a brass disc with their names, birth and death dates on it to a post that luckely again is quite near to where their ashes are, I told My two Sisters what I had done and asked them to have a look and to say if they approved, they said it was fun looking for the disc and where overjoyed upon finding it, We the family hope as time goes by and the post rots away and when replaced some caring workman see's the disc and move's the it to the new post, as we probably will not be on this earth by then.
This sounds lovely. Due to the tension, we just got it done. We've hidden padlocks engraved with mums name and dates, I don't think anyone else will ever see them. We are having a paving slab put down near the whalebones, something that will hopefully last a few hundred years. We visit Whitby quite regularly, so it'll be lovely to go and remember them both.
I forgot about those whalebones ( believe they are from a Whales jaw) another reason of the Port Stanley link up to Mum and Dad, as it had a small Waleing community there, Mum's parents were sheep farmers that lived out on the moors, nice to hear you did something like I did with My Disc, no I don't suppose I will be able to see the padlocks, but I will be able to see your paving slab, so only if you want to and if it isn't against Redit's rules, what was your mothers name, so I will know it when I see it.
I've edited this so that I don't doxx myself. Thank you, we'll give it a go and see if this gets removed. We're having one engraved with mum and dad, as they were devoted to each other. We are having mum and dad's names and together forever. There's already a plaque with some other names and the same sentiment, but that one is at the top near the flag pole. I've no idea when they'll put it down. It'll be lovely to think that someone I made a connection with over the ether will visit them. Mum and Dad made a friend of everyone they met.
Thanks I will keep an eye out for it whenever my wife and I visit whitby, my best wishes for you in the future.
And to you too.
What a disgusting and disrespectful way to act. Something like scattering ashes should be a special and lovely occasion to remember the person and say goodbye to them, one of the last places you should get drunk and make a nuisance of yourself. You need a Nobel Prize for managing not to yell at your SIL and/or slap her round the face. She needs to face some kind of consequence for this, and if sheās drinking that much on this sort of occasion she might well have a problem, so if I was you Iād be calling your brother, making sure he talks to her about it, and telling him that you want to be around her as little as possible until she changes her behaviour or is getting some help to change it.
Toys R Us? No? How about Children's Palace?
Thatās why we call them the out laws.
May she have a horrible hangover tomorrow.
Sorry to hear that this occasion was spoilt in this way. From what youāre describing it sounds like your SIL is an alcoholic. While itās no excuse for this, it may be a reason for her unbalanced behaviour and only one example of the kind of world your brother has to live in. I was raised with an alcoholic and they would often ruin things like this with their addiction.
Well, we know where 'the lush' is going when her time comes... In the weeds!
Unless she sent me a heartfelt apology, I'd never speak to her again. That is despicable.
This is casual UK not harrowing UK. Hope you're ok but I would have told her to f off
You posted four hours ago saying that she's still drinking? Most people have barely started by 7pm! Was she drunk the whole day?! It sounds like she has a problem, especially as others weren't drinking at that time. If she does, in fact, have a drinking problem, it doesn't excuse her behaviour but it may explain it. I'm so sorry this occasion has been ruined by the thoughtless drunk. It'd have been better if she weren't there at all rather than showing up drunk, rude, offensive and nasty. I hope the rest of you manage to get some peace and closure, despite the unfortunate alkie piping up inappropriately
Jesus Iād have have decked my sis in law if she said that about scattering my mums ashes.
Iād cancel then go back on another occasion minus the piss artist. He can leave her at home to get sozzled on her own. If she carries on drinking like that, sheāll be next.
Id keep the ashes aside. Apologise to everyone and explain that due to her behaviour you don't feel like proceeding and the event is cancelled,to be rescheduled with a more selective audience. You havent mentioned your brothers response in this. Is he also part of the problem?
I feel like Reddit isn't the place to sort this
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Hi mate, this post is against the lighthearted and open nature of the sub. Rule 2: Don't be Aggressive | Pointlessly Argumentative | Creepy We're here for people to have fun in. If you're just here to start a stupid reddit slap fight you're in the wrong place. We have a zero tolerance rule in place for racism or hate speech. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot us a modmail.
Fuck that man. I feel your brother should have stepped in, but don't feel bad to make your feelings known. It's a once in a lifetime thing.
I hate to say it, but maybe it was a bad taste joke?
We are all ok with the whole thing - cheers
Keep some ashes to the side and then sprinkle them in her drink. The memory of that will outshine any negative ones she's made for the occasion.
Am I the only person that thinks the whole idea of scattering ashes is nonsense? When I die, my body is being donated to medical science but when I'm eventually cremated, my ashes can go in the bin. They're just ash!
Welp might as well tell you when we scattered my Nana's ashes; she immediately got caught in the wind and covered us...
We were VERY careful lol. Sorry that happened to you.
Give Last Orders by Graham Swift a read once some time has passed, it might gently amuse you.
Hey OP. We had a stained glass suncatcher made of the view where we scattered my FIL ashes. It might be worth taking a few snaps of the view today in case you want to do something like that. I still have my dogās ashes on my bookshelf. Heās not going anywhere yet.
iām sorry for your loss and this blatant lack of empathy!
People here who have scattered ashes, can I ask a delicate question please? Itās just over a year since my dad was cremated and I was talking to my mum about maybe putting some of his ashes (sealed) into a planter and potting a plant with his name for outside the front door. But then she said that someone had told her that sometimes there are teeth in the ashes that didnāt burnā¦ is this true?? Google seems to say āit dependsā. If so, neither of us really want to risk opening the shaker box thing tbh. Thanks to all who answer, and apologies if Iāve upset anyone.
Hi, some things that are great about the replies on this thread are the support that's been offered to the grieving, and the questions asked. I can tell you that there are larger parts of a body that don't burn completely, hard parts like teeth and large bones. These are ground up after everything has cooled, so when you look at the ashes they will look like fine powder and larger flakes. Nothing will look like a body part, it is just ash. If you are thinking of scattering, then a scatter tube is easy to use. When you transfer the ashes do it on a calm day outside, in case of 'accidents', and make sure the wind is blowing away from you when you scatter later. From my experience, it's not as awful to actually scatter them as you may think, emotionally - that's as different as there are different people.
Thank you, thatās really helpful and I appreciate it a lot.
So my Nana requested her ashes to be scattered in three places. The lighthouse near where she lived, the Taj Mahal that she used to visit with her partner andā¦ the local dog park. She was a very funny person, taught me how to card count at the age of 8. Was potentially the most stubborn person on the planet ( I always remind my mum of their arguments when she winds me up) Rest in peace Nana. Especially in the dog park
Your Mum might have enjoyed the drama of you smacking her one...! Sorry for your loss xx
It's insane how accepted it is just get drunk in this country.
Id have just told her to fuck off if she didn't wanna be there, respect be damned. She has none.
Death can make people go funny, or she's an insensitive cow.
People deal with grief differently, and whatever way is best for you is okay. Some people do deal with death by drinking, at my uncles wake there was a big piss up and it was a really happy time with lots of laughter and tears and nobody took themselves too seriously. Iām not saying that her behaviour is appropriate on this occasion, and I understand she isnāt blood related to the deceased, however that doesnāt mean sheās coping. Even if sheās not directly grieving your mum, any death close to us and our family brings up memories of other loved ones who have died, it may be the only coping mechanism that she knows. And hey, weāve all said some really dumb things while drunk. I expect she will feel really stupid when she sobers up. It may feel disrespectful to you, and that could be something you want to bring up sometime afterwards, but right now your emotions are going to be heightened, so best to leave these conversations until a time when things have settled a little. Just remember, sheās allowed to grieve even if she wasnāt blood related, if drinking is her coping mechanism then sheās allowed to do that too, and if she says anything stupid, try to remember she is drunk and she may say things without realising itās disrespectful. Iām not saying that makes it right, but thatās a conversation for another time when the dust has settled a little.
We had to wait nearly two years to scatter my grandma's ashes waiting for my aunt to come over from New Zealand (COVID reasons, mostly). I'm not sure how my mum would have coped if this had all still been raw. My auntie and her husband met their son in London and drove up to my grandad's, but they were meeting us at the site (a stream). My parents had driven up to my grandad's house where I live with my grandad. So there were seven of us. My mum got here and while my dad got my wheelchair-bound grandad into the car, me and my mum set to work getting my box-bound grandma into seven Sainsbury's sandwich bags. This was all my mum's plan so I just went along with it. We stood in the basement and used the washing machine as a workbench. She also brought latex gloves for us to wear because god forbid this should be unhygenic. The only thing we had as a scoop was the one that came with my Oxy Clean stain remover, so I took on the task of scooping her up into seven equal portions, with the finer dust coating both us and every surface. Good job we had the gloves though! It took a really, really long time. There was too much grandma for the seven bags to tie comfortably so a lot of her got on the outside of the bags. They went into a Sainsbury's carrier bag which - after we arrived at the car park near the stream - I held open for everyone to grab one like I was doling out sandwiches to excited children at a picnic. The pouring of the ashes was quite uneventful, but everyone was patting themselves down and wiping grandma off their pants when we awkwardly reassembled for a group photo to mark the ~~farrago debacle~~ occasion. Thankfully we didn't have a second-tier family member with a drinking problem causing everyone unnecessary pain, but there does tend to be one at this kind of thing.
Happy cake day! That sounds like a nightmare, but some people are pretty blind to some things. I took my mum outside to put her into a scatter tube, so the finer particles are in the garden. It's never great, but it doesn't have to be really awful.
I didnāt want it to come across as a nightmare! It was just undignified and weird. Did someone speak to your SIL?
She obviously not only has a drink problem and impulse control . I feel sorry for your brother and a bit upset he didnāt talk her down and drop her in a more suitable place ( like a Weather spoons ) whilst the respectful could remain . But as you say one pissed up moronic can never tarnish your lovely mum xxx Iām sorry for your loss š x I canāt help but wonder what your mother would have made of it all ? X
She would have acted with decorum, but she would have been very disappointed. We would probably have talked about it together later and she would definitely have said something to my brother.
Your brother should keep her in check.
My ex and I went to a bit of rural coastline to scatter her dad's ashes. I watched as she stood on the edge of a cliff and hoyed a box full of ash into the wind, which blew I t all back at us and into my mouth, hair and eyes. It's got a surprisingly gritty mouth feel but smells like ordinary ash. I used to say that I went down on her mum.
You should probably tell her that she's acted way out of line if you haven't already
On a still overcast day, an ex RAF member had their ashes scattered on the edge of the lesser used runway at an RAF base. There was no group āscatteringā the ashes, but merely an RAF Chaplain and one family member. The ashes were essentially ātippedā out in a pile onto the grass and that was it, doneā¦ā¦ā¦..until some time later, a taxying C130 (Hercules) passed by and onto the main runway, the cloud of ash was an incredible sight to behold from my vantage point in the control tower and the ashes were then well and truly scattered. Perhaps that was the plan all along š¤·š¼
People have tried scattering the ashes of dead aviators from the windows of light aircraft. It generally doesn't go well though, the airflow blows half the ashes straight back in, usually all over the grieving relatives in the back seat.
If she doesn't understand the significance and is drinking heavily it's possible her own mum deserved the weeds. Or she's a habitual narcissist. Or maybe there's a dearth of empathy due to neurodiversity - none of the above being mutually exclusive. Either way it needs to called out for the benefit of humanity, your own feelings and the wellbeing of your family. Sorry this happened, but people sometimes do.
My friend went on holiday with her relatively new boyfriend to Copenhagen, where he was originally from. They went to a river with his family and they were all talking in danish and she didnāt understand so she wandered to the edge of the water and took her shoes off for a paddle. When she turned around they were tearfully throwing grandads ashes into the river, and she found out the hard way that she was definitely not supposed to be paddling about like a child. They broke up on that holiday.
You should have absolutely turned her into ashes. A fitting way to celebrate the day
Is this an episode of peep show?
Firstly, and most importantly, I'm sorry for your loss, a parents passing always hiys hard
Leave her in the pub and you do you. I've had my Father's ashes in a Rose plant pot for nearly 20 years and nobody will ever tell me what to do with them ever. Your Mum. End of story.
Fuck what a bitch, Iād have lost it ngl , good for you for keeping your cool š
When I scattered my Dad's ashes my the sea, the wind blew some of the ashes back towards me and they promptly stuck to my slightly wet shoes. So I spent the rest of the day walking around with bits of my Dad on my feet.
Have a word with your brother. She's clearly an awful person at the best of times, but it's unacceptable fir her nit to just keep her mouth shut given the circumstances.
As obnoxious as your sister-in-law is, your brother has let the family down on this occasion by not sorting her out. As soon as it obvious she was not in a fit state, she should not be there.
I agree but I wonder if the brother was focusing on the task at hand? Or more likely she is often like this (drunk and bloody selfish) and he doesnāt even notice anymore. He should have left her back at the hotel, or if she didnāt want to come - stay at the hotel herself saying itās just for them. Basically so many better options than what she did!
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Jees let the guy have this moment to vent during such an emotionally sensitive time. What ridiculous and insensitive questions to ask.
Well, aren't you the little helpful ray of judgemental sunshine...
This is such an awful thing to say to someone. Something like that takes as long as it takes ya big massive weirdo. Part of the whole experience should have been them walking around Whitby trying to think of somewhere whilst they thought about old memories and stuff.