No you shouldn’t do it at your boyfriends request, thin end of the wedge and symptomatic of other problems within a relationship, if they want everything on their terms.
I would get the boy cat checked over and do the Jackson Galaxy thing of playing with him more, it sounds like he’s bored and has taken to terrorising female cat and opening food to relieve it.
Edit. u/EffortAbject3116 You should add to your op that these cats are ages 8 to 9 months. A Lot of people are advising you on the basis that they are fully grown mature cats, not kittens.
I don’t want to, but he said if I dont do it he will. We had a huge break out yesterday, I slept on the couch with my cats because I was fucking pissed. Though I do have some fault in biy properly cleaning after my cats and not training them. But I wont rehome.
Then you guys are not compatible, why would he want you to give up on things you love? He’s selfish. They are your babies. Are you not offended that he’s suggesting to get rid of them?
This is the standard reply for all similar posts, but doesn’t really apply here. Boyfriend agreed to get the cat as long as OP took care of them, but it sounds like the boyfriend is actually doing much of the care since he works from home and OP doesn’t. He definitely gets a say here.
It absolutely does apply here, because the decision about the cats future should be made with their welfare in mind, not as a way to salvage a problematic relationship. Pity that so many pets get used as collateral damage in such situations that it needs repeating.
There’s no mention of the boyfriend doing any caring duties for these cats, he just happens to wfh and didn't want them anyway. That alone would make me question how bad the cats behaviour actually is. Is the cat naughty, or is the boyfriends tolerance low for something he doesn’t want.
He tends to have low tolerance, its been months of him reminding me of my word to care for them properly, I feed them, clean there box 2 times a day and clean counters where they step but I dont cleanse often or vacuum or train them, but I will start doing that
That’s why I know I have some fault, he agreed to have them but I was the one that would care for them and I haven’t kept my word with that or other things in the relationship, he resents me for stuff like that, I tend to forget stuff and not do stuff I promised to do, but im changing that.
He has good health, we have vet visits and I always monitor them. I’ve tried to correct it with the info I found but it doesn’t work. He is one month older than my cat and we got him in January and my female in December. I have 2 part time jobs, but whenever I am home I play with them.
How did you introduce them? Did you just move them in together without any scent training or anything? Cats need to be introduced to each other slowly. Separate them and have a re-introduction. Jackson Galaxy has a great article on the steps you should follow here: [https://www.jacksongalaxy.com/blogs/news/the-dos-and-donts-of-introducing-cats](https://www.jacksongalaxy.com/blogs/news/the-dos-and-donts-of-introducing-cats)
Yes I had investigated before getting my cat, I have adhd so I was fixated over doing everything right, and its been over 5 months of having both of them
I did the introduction slowly, my male was 4 months old and my female was 3 months old and they seemed to get along well, but I am paying close attention to my male and he has a looot of energy and Im not there most of the day to play. So he gets bored and gets mischievous
Just hold them on a schedule, get onto them when they misbehave, and similarly love on them when they do good. The first few weeks of training, according to every pet trainer I’ve ever met, is that “it should be like military school”. You need to be strict, but also good where warranted. Set boundaries and work on them EVERY day, even if only a little at a time.
My late cat had issues of rummaging when we got her and all it took was me consistently doing things on a schedule for her to settle down and become the calmest cat I’ve ever known. Obviously every animal is different, but this is generally the blank/template to look into when there’s behavioral issues.
Thank you so much for that info, I was straight forward with my bf and told him I wont rehome my cat until I try everything to get him to stop misbehaving. I am currently researching for my baby so I will be training him
There’s a ton of very helpful books on the subject! Try “Think Like a Cat” by Pam Johnson Bennet. You can definitely impact how a cat behaves. Honestly, the fact that you didn’t do this might be why your cat is a little crazy…
I will go against the grain and recommend rehoming. Never mind the boyfriend situation. These cats are very stressed.
They each have their personalities and some just don't get along no matter what you do. It's not your fault and both your cats will be happier. The male cat's personality may completely change with another family and being the only cat.
I agree, the issue isn't with the well-being of the boyfriend but with the well-being of the first cat. If she is constantly terrified of the male cat I think the rehoming of the male cat is a valid solution.
This. The first cat appears to be negatively affected. I don’t think rehoming is always the worst option. There are plenty of good homes or maybe optimal situations for each cat.
I did notice a change in her personality, she used to play more, be more talkative, but now she kind of avoids it, until she gets playful and tries to play but after awhile it goes wrong and he plays to ruff and she screams.
I get the point, the thing that confuses me is they can play for a bit and all is good, but then he starts to attack her, he even wags his tail like in frustration and thats when the fighting happens. I try playing with him to distract him from my other cat.
You need a boyfriend who not only loves cats but who also will love caring for them and playing with them as much as you do. Ditch the guy and keep the cats.
Im really contemplating that, though its been 4 years together, I want to try to salvage the relationship, but if it gets worse I am 100% leaving him and taking my cats.
Is he neutered? If not, that should be the priority. If he already is and just isn't a good fit, it happens. I know most people are against rehoming but if it's early in the game it could be the best option for everyone involved - no different than fostering until a home is found that best suites his personality. Your boyfriend is the one working from home all day and not fond of the cat and prefers the female cat and trust me, the cat knows and will be responding accordingly.
Yes I am responsible with neutering and he is already neutered. We have had him for 5 months, my cats although they fight it breaks my heart to separate him from us, but for me he is a bit much and for my bf he sees how my cat is and is getting frustrated and my female is just way more calm so she doesn’t fight with my cat. But he is a very anxious cat, he is attached to me, he cries for me constantly.
If your cats are playing and sleeping together I don't see an issue. I had a male cat who became best friends with the neighbours male cat. Occasionally they would fall out, and I'd often be shouting 'boys'.
If you haven't already, take a look at Jackson galaxy cat highway. There are ways for your cats to live harmoniously. Would you feel bad or guilty giving up your cat? I'd try everything before giving up my cat. And I wouldn't give up any pet for a bf/friend etc.
My cat was very aggressive towards me but with basic training he has changed. I praise him all the time and he knows what good boy means. He also gets treats when he is well behaved. On the rare occasion that he does try to attack me, he gets removed from the room for 10 mins and told no and naughty. It does sound a bit crazy, I know, but cats are definitely trainable.
Thank you, I will definitely look into that, Ive just had such a tuff night crying over this, my bf and I are at a breaking point so I dont want to get rid of my cat and then end up breaking up with him, its been ruff
It's a difficult decision, always. But, if you end up resenting your bf for giving up your cat, it's over anyway.
He really shouldn't be pressurising you. Instead he needs to work with you to find a solution that suits everyone. I wonder, have you tried Feliway friends? It's a plug in cat hormone thing. You won't smell it but cats do seem to love it! Good luck 🤞
Thank you, I will do my research on that. I did let my bf know I would resent him if we gave my cat away. So I let him know today that I will train him instead of giving him away
My bigger cat likes rough play. When he goes into predator mode, he sees his brother as prey. We use the divert and distract method. Since your bf doesn't want to monitor this while working from home, maybe check Jackson Galaxy website for tips on reducing aggression and / or rehoming. Best of luck to you all with the situation.
If your boyfriend works from home suggest he engage with the cats more and have some playtime. I’m sure he needs a break so often too. Get some play tents and tunnels. Some help toys and other things for them to chase. Or even a laser pointer for your boyfriend to use if he’s super uninspired to get up (just don’t point in their eyes ).
Yes we had a laser and he would use it with them but it died and we haven’t gotten another one, but I will be getting them toys for when im not home and create a routine that works for everyone and train my cats.
It sounds like your other cat is unhappy, too. The second cat should probably be an only cat. I have two cats and several years ago, a kitten turned up and just waltzed into the house like she belonged there. At first, she got on well with my other two cats, but the older she got, the worse she got. It got to a point where the older two were spending all their day hiding from the younger one and the younger one would seek them out and attack them. I quickly realized she needed to be an only cat. So I gave her to a friend and she is very happy. My other two cats also are much happier without her around.
In short, don’t rehome him because your bf wants you to. Rehome him because it’s best for both cats.
Yeah, I tend to not see things through and my bf is usually the one to call me out, would you recommend although my cats are a bit attached? They fight but they also bath each other and sleep together, but there comes a point where she tries to get away fron him
It depends. My older cat and the kitten did that, too, but I could see both were overall stressed.
Have you tried a feliway diffuser? It didn’t help my cats, but a lot of people say it helps theirs, so it’s worth trying.
My two cats (8 y/o boy I’ve had for 7 years and 2 y/o girl I’ve had for 6 months) are attached but when they fight they are extremely aggressive… like slamming each other into walls aggressive. The girl is the primary aggressor and she’s half his size but has never lost a fight. But they also are attached and love each other. When I initially got her there was a period where they both seemed so unhappy I almost took her back to the rescue. I’m really glad I didn’t.
Have you talked to your vet about this? They probably have a lot of tips.
This doesn’t sound like the standard AH significant other trying to force getting rid of a pet, but I would try more before I went that route if I were you. This shouldn’t just be his decision.
Yeah, Im tired of not having a spine, my cats is the thing I will always put my foot down for. They are my babies but I do understand his points, so I will train them so they are good cats. I haven’t taking my time in properly training them.
Both my cats have been prescribed extremely low doses of Prozac by my vet at various times for different issues (girl cat being a psycho, boy cat peeing outside the litter box). Might be something to consider asking a vet about.
Can you get advice from your vet on behavioral issues? Have you ruled out health problems like pain? Do you have dedicated play time with them both? Your male cat may need more intense exercise to get some of his energy out. I would look into a behaviorist and try to find solutions before rehoming.
Vets where Im at aren’t much help, I sometimes dont have enough time to okay but I will create a routine to play with them, I have decided to train before rehoming
No you shouldn’t do it at your boyfriends request, thin end of the wedge and symptomatic of other problems within a relationship, if they want everything on their terms. I would get the boy cat checked over and do the Jackson Galaxy thing of playing with him more, it sounds like he’s bored and has taken to terrorising female cat and opening food to relieve it. Edit. u/EffortAbject3116 You should add to your op that these cats are ages 8 to 9 months. A Lot of people are advising you on the basis that they are fully grown mature cats, not kittens.
I see, thank you, we have been having problems for awhile and he is resenting my cat
If you've been having problems for awhile, you'll likely still have them with or without the cats. I wouldn't rehome my pets for a partner.
Exactly fucking crazy
I don’t want to, but he said if I dont do it he will. We had a huge break out yesterday, I slept on the couch with my cats because I was fucking pissed. Though I do have some fault in biy properly cleaning after my cats and not training them. But I wont rehome.
He has no right to rehome your cats. Only you have that right.
Yep, he knows that, he said it out of spite but he knows I will hate him if he rehomes them without my permission. But I will start to train my babies
I hope you leave him because thats toxic asf
Yeah we’ve been fighting for awhile
Then you guys are not compatible, why would he want you to give up on things you love? He’s selfish. They are your babies. Are you not offended that he’s suggesting to get rid of them?
Yeah I was, but im a door mat that needs to grow a spine, but for my babies id do anything. I will focus on myself and my cats from now on.
This is the standard reply for all similar posts, but doesn’t really apply here. Boyfriend agreed to get the cat as long as OP took care of them, but it sounds like the boyfriend is actually doing much of the care since he works from home and OP doesn’t. He definitely gets a say here.
It absolutely does apply here, because the decision about the cats future should be made with their welfare in mind, not as a way to salvage a problematic relationship. Pity that so many pets get used as collateral damage in such situations that it needs repeating. There’s no mention of the boyfriend doing any caring duties for these cats, he just happens to wfh and didn't want them anyway. That alone would make me question how bad the cats behaviour actually is. Is the cat naughty, or is the boyfriends tolerance low for something he doesn’t want.
He tends to have low tolerance, its been months of him reminding me of my word to care for them properly, I feed them, clean there box 2 times a day and clean counters where they step but I dont cleanse often or vacuum or train them, but I will start doing that
That’s why I know I have some fault, he agreed to have them but I was the one that would care for them and I haven’t kept my word with that or other things in the relationship, he resents me for stuff like that, I tend to forget stuff and not do stuff I promised to do, but im changing that.
Agreed.
[удалено]
He has good health, we have vet visits and I always monitor them. I’ve tried to correct it with the info I found but it doesn’t work. He is one month older than my cat and we got him in January and my female in December. I have 2 part time jobs, but whenever I am home I play with them.
I think it’s must be very difficult to have a boyfriend that is not supportive of your love for your pets. How old are they ?
Yeah it’s difficult, but he has stated that my cats aren’t the problem, it me. They are currently female 8 and male 9 months old.
It never is. They’re just babies at that age, they won’t be perfectly behaved.
How did you introduce them? Did you just move them in together without any scent training or anything? Cats need to be introduced to each other slowly. Separate them and have a re-introduction. Jackson Galaxy has a great article on the steps you should follow here: [https://www.jacksongalaxy.com/blogs/news/the-dos-and-donts-of-introducing-cats](https://www.jacksongalaxy.com/blogs/news/the-dos-and-donts-of-introducing-cats)
Yes I had investigated before getting my cat, I have adhd so I was fixated over doing everything right, and its been over 5 months of having both of them
5 months probably wasn't long enough. It took my cats even longer than that before I could leave them alone together.
I did the introduction slowly, my male was 4 months old and my female was 3 months old and they seemed to get along well, but I am paying close attention to my male and he has a looot of energy and Im not there most of the day to play. So he gets bored and gets mischievous
Rehome the boyfriend
This seems like a stupid question, but have you tried training?
I tried searching info on training cats but I didn’t find any good info
Just hold them on a schedule, get onto them when they misbehave, and similarly love on them when they do good. The first few weeks of training, according to every pet trainer I’ve ever met, is that “it should be like military school”. You need to be strict, but also good where warranted. Set boundaries and work on them EVERY day, even if only a little at a time. My late cat had issues of rummaging when we got her and all it took was me consistently doing things on a schedule for her to settle down and become the calmest cat I’ve ever known. Obviously every animal is different, but this is generally the blank/template to look into when there’s behavioral issues.
Thank you so much for that info, I was straight forward with my bf and told him I wont rehome my cat until I try everything to get him to stop misbehaving. I am currently researching for my baby so I will be training him
There’s a ton of very helpful books on the subject! Try “Think Like a Cat” by Pam Johnson Bennet. You can definitely impact how a cat behaves. Honestly, the fact that you didn’t do this might be why your cat is a little crazy…
Rehome your bf
I will go against the grain and recommend rehoming. Never mind the boyfriend situation. These cats are very stressed. They each have their personalities and some just don't get along no matter what you do. It's not your fault and both your cats will be happier. The male cat's personality may completely change with another family and being the only cat.
I agree, the issue isn't with the well-being of the boyfriend but with the well-being of the first cat. If she is constantly terrified of the male cat I think the rehoming of the male cat is a valid solution.
This. The first cat appears to be negatively affected. I don’t think rehoming is always the worst option. There are plenty of good homes or maybe optimal situations for each cat.
I did notice a change in her personality, she used to play more, be more talkative, but now she kind of avoids it, until she gets playful and tries to play but after awhile it goes wrong and he plays to ruff and she screams.
I get the point, the thing that confuses me is they can play for a bit and all is good, but then he starts to attack her, he even wags his tail like in frustration and thats when the fighting happens. I try playing with him to distract him from my other cat.
It sounds like he's getting overstimulated after awhile when they play together.
Yeees, paying close attention to him he gets overwhelmed and bored and then misbehaves, so I will be taking time in training him.
Tell him he can rehimself.
You need a boyfriend who not only loves cats but who also will love caring for them and playing with them as much as you do. Ditch the guy and keep the cats.
Im really contemplating that, though its been 4 years together, I want to try to salvage the relationship, but if it gets worse I am 100% leaving him and taking my cats.
Get rid of the bf
Rehome your boyfriend and get a bf that is a cat lover!
Good idea lol
Is he neutered? If not, that should be the priority. If he already is and just isn't a good fit, it happens. I know most people are against rehoming but if it's early in the game it could be the best option for everyone involved - no different than fostering until a home is found that best suites his personality. Your boyfriend is the one working from home all day and not fond of the cat and prefers the female cat and trust me, the cat knows and will be responding accordingly.
Yes I am responsible with neutering and he is already neutered. We have had him for 5 months, my cats although they fight it breaks my heart to separate him from us, but for me he is a bit much and for my bf he sees how my cat is and is getting frustrated and my female is just way more calm so she doesn’t fight with my cat. But he is a very anxious cat, he is attached to me, he cries for me constantly.
If your cats are playing and sleeping together I don't see an issue. I had a male cat who became best friends with the neighbours male cat. Occasionally they would fall out, and I'd often be shouting 'boys'. If you haven't already, take a look at Jackson galaxy cat highway. There are ways for your cats to live harmoniously. Would you feel bad or guilty giving up your cat? I'd try everything before giving up my cat. And I wouldn't give up any pet for a bf/friend etc. My cat was very aggressive towards me but with basic training he has changed. I praise him all the time and he knows what good boy means. He also gets treats when he is well behaved. On the rare occasion that he does try to attack me, he gets removed from the room for 10 mins and told no and naughty. It does sound a bit crazy, I know, but cats are definitely trainable.
Thank you, I will definitely look into that, Ive just had such a tuff night crying over this, my bf and I are at a breaking point so I dont want to get rid of my cat and then end up breaking up with him, its been ruff
It's a difficult decision, always. But, if you end up resenting your bf for giving up your cat, it's over anyway. He really shouldn't be pressurising you. Instead he needs to work with you to find a solution that suits everyone. I wonder, have you tried Feliway friends? It's a plug in cat hormone thing. You won't smell it but cats do seem to love it! Good luck 🤞
Thank you, I will do my research on that. I did let my bf know I would resent him if we gave my cat away. So I let him know today that I will train him instead of giving him away
Yes, definitely rehome the boyfriend.
My bigger cat likes rough play. When he goes into predator mode, he sees his brother as prey. We use the divert and distract method. Since your bf doesn't want to monitor this while working from home, maybe check Jackson Galaxy website for tips on reducing aggression and / or rehoming. Best of luck to you all with the situation.
Thank you, I am binge watching his videos at the moment
Hope you'll find something helpful. Cats are so individual. There are pheromone plugins and calming water additives to curb aggression.
That’s interesting, I’ll investigate
Rehome the boyfriend.
Rehome your cat, you included.
If your boyfriend works from home suggest he engage with the cats more and have some playtime. I’m sure he needs a break so often too. Get some play tents and tunnels. Some help toys and other things for them to chase. Or even a laser pointer for your boyfriend to use if he’s super uninspired to get up (just don’t point in their eyes ).
Yes we had a laser and he would use it with them but it died and we haven’t gotten another one, but I will be getting them toys for when im not home and create a routine that works for everyone and train my cats.
Maybe even get a window ledge or a get a pet screen reinforced screen door for them to get fresh air ??could help with the anxiety
It sounds like your other cat is unhappy, too. The second cat should probably be an only cat. I have two cats and several years ago, a kitten turned up and just waltzed into the house like she belonged there. At first, she got on well with my other two cats, but the older she got, the worse she got. It got to a point where the older two were spending all their day hiding from the younger one and the younger one would seek them out and attack them. I quickly realized she needed to be an only cat. So I gave her to a friend and she is very happy. My other two cats also are much happier without her around. In short, don’t rehome him because your bf wants you to. Rehome him because it’s best for both cats.
Yeah, I tend to not see things through and my bf is usually the one to call me out, would you recommend although my cats are a bit attached? They fight but they also bath each other and sleep together, but there comes a point where she tries to get away fron him
It depends. My older cat and the kitten did that, too, but I could see both were overall stressed. Have you tried a feliway diffuser? It didn’t help my cats, but a lot of people say it helps theirs, so it’s worth trying.
Yeah I am starting to see that a bit, I will try and find the best solution
My two cats (8 y/o boy I’ve had for 7 years and 2 y/o girl I’ve had for 6 months) are attached but when they fight they are extremely aggressive… like slamming each other into walls aggressive. The girl is the primary aggressor and she’s half his size but has never lost a fight. But they also are attached and love each other. When I initially got her there was a period where they both seemed so unhappy I almost took her back to the rescue. I’m really glad I didn’t. Have you talked to your vet about this? They probably have a lot of tips. This doesn’t sound like the standard AH significant other trying to force getting rid of a pet, but I would try more before I went that route if I were you. This shouldn’t just be his decision.
Yeah, Im tired of not having a spine, my cats is the thing I will always put my foot down for. They are my babies but I do understand his points, so I will train them so they are good cats. I haven’t taking my time in properly training them.
Both my cats have been prescribed extremely low doses of Prozac by my vet at various times for different issues (girl cat being a psycho, boy cat peeing outside the litter box). Might be something to consider asking a vet about.
I will talk to my vet about that, because my fucking cat is insane at times
You should take a video of this fight
Of what fight?
Can you get advice from your vet on behavioral issues? Have you ruled out health problems like pain? Do you have dedicated play time with them both? Your male cat may need more intense exercise to get some of his energy out. I would look into a behaviorist and try to find solutions before rehoming.
Vets where Im at aren’t much help, I sometimes dont have enough time to okay but I will create a routine to play with them, I have decided to train before rehoming
Is your boy cat neutered?
Yes he is, I neutered him when he was ready to avoid behavior issues lol
Is he neutered? I am assuming he is but if not that could very well be the reason.
I neutered him as soon as possible for behavioral issues that happens when you dont.
[video of said cat:)](https://www.reddit.com/u/EffortAbject3116/s/yjYen32d5H)
hell no don’t rehome. Maybe get some natural hemp calming gummies and feed them to him daily.
NTA. Rehome the bf.