The loss of libido for many can come with the feelings of captivity one feels in a monogamous domestic arrangement. For many, especially those who stay at home doing childcare, the sense of independent self is depressed.
Divorce sets you free: free from a marriage that had probably become filled with strife and resentment; free from a situation where every move you made felt like it was planned for you for the rest of your life.
The new independence will ignite the spark of desire in many people who thought their libidos were totally gone. It will be a surprise to them too.
So sure, probably some people were married to selfish lovers and never understood the pleasure and fun of sex before they leave that relationship. But I don’t think it’s that simple. For most, I think the state of monogamous domesticity—along with all the baggage society puts on people in that state—is just suppressive of sexual drives.
Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel gets into this.
Damn, I so wish I had known this 20 years ago, before I married my covert narc wayward husband! By the time we moved in together, we were probably still in the NRE phase. But the moment we shared a household? He was done wanting sex.
I have had 3 long term relationships, all ended in db (still in the 3rd one), the 2 exes both got into new relationships quickly after we split and were both pregnant soon after... soooo...
At least one of them had also had a 5 year DB with the guy before me, and both relationships started with lots of good sex that was satisfying for both parties. I have learned that many people thrive on NRE and lose interest in sex in longer relationships, but a new partner = NRE again and their sex drive magically reappears.
I don't think it's a sex thing(male /female) but rather LL become HL post divorce and then once they get comfortable the go back LL. I also think that for some, the divorce itself is a lesson to them and they turn HL completely because they realize nobody has time for a non sexual marriage and sex is a love language not a bargaining chip.
I was the LL partner in my first marriage… it had everything to do with resentment killing my libido. Divorced and remarried to someone I am deeply in love with and my libido isn’t an issue. Granted, many circumstances have changed which would have a positive impact (kids are older, and I’m in my “prime” now) but I will argue that none have the libido killing effect that resentment has.
No question about it . My wife turned into a completely different person after our son.
It’s not that I became second . I became last after everything else. Child appts , Hair appts, nail appts, gym , TV time .
If there was a physical checklist my name would last and it would say ** optional if time permits **
I think the kid thing works both ways. Men with the Madonna Complex stop seeing their wives as sexual beings (only partly due to body and appearance changes) after and often during pregnancy.
For some new moms, that’s apparently a good thing. For others, a huge and frustrating disappointment, especially if it persists for years.
Maybe not for a while, but I’ve heard a lot about women whose libido suddenly surges in their mid to late 30s.
Sort of nature’s last effort to drive fertility as the ovaries begin to empty out.
Ivm not sure if it's a male or female thing.
I guess it's about focusing on the big O, or on the intimacy part.
Maybe the ones that focus only on the orgasm, don't really need someone after divorce. To my opinion, this would be a lousy partner.
The ones that focus on intimacy, are looking forward to a new partner. To experience closeness, relief, sexual exploration, the whole shebang.
It’s more like the stories you read on here: The LL’s are fine having more sex in the beginning of relationships. Then once commitment hits, they lessen up.
The grand joke is that the older a woman(over 50) is the less likely she’ll find a long term relationship whereas men become more likely to find a long term partner.
Those that divorce after a long term persistent dead bedroom, the LL will almost never find a long term relationship and instead find only short term mostly sex relationships.
Anecdotal evidence is flawed at best. We remember weird things, things that reinforce our bias and emotionally charged facts. To the point: My anecdotal evidence suggest the contrary.
I also think that people are full of it and tend to distort the reality of their sexual life.
How have you collected anecdotal evidence? Hopefully not on Reddit.
I do not see how people would be so forthcoming and honest with divulging their libido levels. Even if the sample size was collected by you, by profession as a sex therapist, there has to be acknowledgement of bias with how men and women respond to therapy in general, and inherent honesty. What sample size we talking about?
Also, where does “the common explanation” come from?
I get that this post is meant for opening discussion and dialogue, but there’s some assumptions made that seem a little off.
My post history makes frequent reference to my group of about 15 50+ men who hang out a lot and talk about relationship issues all the time. Some of us are divorced or separated, some due at least in part to libido conflicts. Some members of the group are part of other similar groups and share observations from those as well.
I deliberately used the word anecdotal. I am NOT claiming these observations are widely representative, or scientifically gathered and analyzed. But someone in the group recently made this conjecture of LL women changing but LL men generally staying the same after breakup, and most concurred. Including some divorced guys who described themselves as fitting the LL pattern.
My two cents on your thesis is you get partial credit.
Some of your outcomes are correct: HL people stay HL.
LL people may have been LL for situational reasons that aren’t the “fault” of their spouse. There is a lot of evidence women get bored faster and more severely than men in a long term relationship. Swapping partners may fix that at least in the short term but that’s not necessarily anything to do with the skill or appearance of their old lover.
No and yes.
Those that are naturally LL don't really change except temporarily with NRE. Those who are LL due to relationship issues/lack of attraction do change.
For all of those concerned about an LL "hiding their true nature" when they get back into the dating game: it's not fair to characterize it like that. It can be NRE. That being said: I think it's fairly obvious when it's just NRE and it's who they really are.
It's hard for me to describe in detail because this is mostly from my own experiences. But, a big giveaway is how comfortable they are with their sexuality and sex overall.
There's a difference in how people act when it's just a part of who they are and when it's just NRE. I'd go so far as to say it might be possible to tell when they're trying to be someone they aren't.
Probably because responsive desire in a long term relationship is a real thing for many women, and many people don't understand it. So they think if they're no longer spontaneously desiring their husband, it's because something's wrong with the relationship/him/whatever. Instead of it just being a natural progression, and needing to stop waiting until she has spontaneous desire (because she never will with that person again).
Then they get with a new person, the new relationship energy is strong and so they have spontaneous desire...until they don't.
My take is women in general lose interest or get bored having sex with the same person much sooner and more often than men do. There are studies that point this out.
This may not always be the case but it definitely explains why after several years of marriage it is usually the wife that loses interest in having sex much more often than the husbands lol
This post has been locked as it looks like it would be better suited for r/dbateclub. Please feel free to repost this there :)
The loss of libido for many can come with the feelings of captivity one feels in a monogamous domestic arrangement. For many, especially those who stay at home doing childcare, the sense of independent self is depressed. Divorce sets you free: free from a marriage that had probably become filled with strife and resentment; free from a situation where every move you made felt like it was planned for you for the rest of your life. The new independence will ignite the spark of desire in many people who thought their libidos were totally gone. It will be a surprise to them too. So sure, probably some people were married to selfish lovers and never understood the pleasure and fun of sex before they leave that relationship. But I don’t think it’s that simple. For most, I think the state of monogamous domesticity—along with all the baggage society puts on people in that state—is just suppressive of sexual drives. Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel gets into this.
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Damn, I so wish I had known this 20 years ago, before I married my covert narc wayward husband! By the time we moved in together, we were probably still in the NRE phase. But the moment we shared a household? He was done wanting sex.
This is pretty much what I wanted to say
Love your take, and it makes great sense to me.
All the LL out there who suddenly get horny after a breakup… 
Ackbar fucks.
I have had 3 long term relationships, all ended in db (still in the 3rd one), the 2 exes both got into new relationships quickly after we split and were both pregnant soon after... soooo... At least one of them had also had a 5 year DB with the guy before me, and both relationships started with lots of good sex that was satisfying for both parties. I have learned that many people thrive on NRE and lose interest in sex in longer relationships, but a new partner = NRE again and their sex drive magically reappears.
I've know some females LL post divorce that it was their wakeup call to get back to it, and they changed to HL, not sure how long it will last though.
More likely a pattern they go through, thriving on NRE and then DB sets in after a period of time
Exactly!
I don't think it's a sex thing(male /female) but rather LL become HL post divorce and then once they get comfortable the go back LL. I also think that for some, the divorce itself is a lesson to them and they turn HL completely because they realize nobody has time for a non sexual marriage and sex is a love language not a bargaining chip.
I was the LL partner in my first marriage… it had everything to do with resentment killing my libido. Divorced and remarried to someone I am deeply in love with and my libido isn’t an issue. Granted, many circumstances have changed which would have a positive impact (kids are older, and I’m in my “prime” now) but I will argue that none have the libido killing effect that resentment has.
Kids kill marriages.
No question about it . My wife turned into a completely different person after our son. It’s not that I became second . I became last after everything else. Child appts , Hair appts, nail appts, gym , TV time . If there was a physical checklist my name would last and it would say ** optional if time permits **
I think the kid thing works both ways. Men with the Madonna Complex stop seeing their wives as sexual beings (only partly due to body and appearance changes) after and often during pregnancy. For some new moms, that’s apparently a good thing. For others, a huge and frustrating disappointment, especially if it persists for years.
Yep, how to go straight to last place.
Only if you let them.
In nearly all marriages the relationship of the couple takes a permanent backseat to the kids In most of them the new mommy never comes back
It’s quite a stretch to claim nearly all marriages are this way. It’s a common complaint, sure.
I’ve done the math 😂😂😂
Maybe not for a while, but I’ve heard a lot about women whose libido suddenly surges in their mid to late 30s. Sort of nature’s last effort to drive fertility as the ovaries begin to empty out.
I feel the LL has to turn to HL so they can entrap another poor soul. Then, once the NRE and they start to feel comfortable, they revert to old norms.
Ivm not sure if it's a male or female thing. I guess it's about focusing on the big O, or on the intimacy part. Maybe the ones that focus only on the orgasm, don't really need someone after divorce. To my opinion, this would be a lousy partner. The ones that focus on intimacy, are looking forward to a new partner. To experience closeness, relief, sexual exploration, the whole shebang.
It’s more like the stories you read on here: The LL’s are fine having more sex in the beginning of relationships. Then once commitment hits, they lessen up. The grand joke is that the older a woman(over 50) is the less likely she’ll find a long term relationship whereas men become more likely to find a long term partner.
What's the joke?
Those that divorce after a long term persistent dead bedroom, the LL will almost never find a long term relationship and instead find only short term mostly sex relationships.
Is the embedded assumption that women are more likely to be the LL partner?
Assuming your data is accurate, I’ll assume you meant irony, not joke.
Anecdotal evidence is flawed at best. We remember weird things, things that reinforce our bias and emotionally charged facts. To the point: My anecdotal evidence suggest the contrary. I also think that people are full of it and tend to distort the reality of their sexual life.
How have you collected anecdotal evidence? Hopefully not on Reddit. I do not see how people would be so forthcoming and honest with divulging their libido levels. Even if the sample size was collected by you, by profession as a sex therapist, there has to be acknowledgement of bias with how men and women respond to therapy in general, and inherent honesty. What sample size we talking about? Also, where does “the common explanation” come from? I get that this post is meant for opening discussion and dialogue, but there’s some assumptions made that seem a little off.
My post history makes frequent reference to my group of about 15 50+ men who hang out a lot and talk about relationship issues all the time. Some of us are divorced or separated, some due at least in part to libido conflicts. Some members of the group are part of other similar groups and share observations from those as well. I deliberately used the word anecdotal. I am NOT claiming these observations are widely representative, or scientifically gathered and analyzed. But someone in the group recently made this conjecture of LL women changing but LL men generally staying the same after breakup, and most concurred. Including some divorced guys who described themselves as fitting the LL pattern.
My two cents on your thesis is you get partial credit. Some of your outcomes are correct: HL people stay HL. LL people may have been LL for situational reasons that aren’t the “fault” of their spouse. There is a lot of evidence women get bored faster and more severely than men in a long term relationship. Swapping partners may fix that at least in the short term but that’s not necessarily anything to do with the skill or appearance of their old lover.
The most sex-adverse can dredge up some libido with the help of NRE. At least briefly. Tear off the rearview mirror. Your future is straight ahead.
No and yes. Those that are naturally LL don't really change except temporarily with NRE. Those who are LL due to relationship issues/lack of attraction do change. For all of those concerned about an LL "hiding their true nature" when they get back into the dating game: it's not fair to characterize it like that. It can be NRE. That being said: I think it's fairly obvious when it's just NRE and it's who they really are. It's hard for me to describe in detail because this is mostly from my own experiences. But, a big giveaway is how comfortable they are with their sexuality and sex overall. There's a difference in how people act when it's just a part of who they are and when it's just NRE. I'd go so far as to say it might be possible to tell when they're trying to be someone they aren't.
Probably because responsive desire in a long term relationship is a real thing for many women, and many people don't understand it. So they think if they're no longer spontaneously desiring their husband, it's because something's wrong with the relationship/him/whatever. Instead of it just being a natural progression, and needing to stop waiting until she has spontaneous desire (because she never will with that person again). Then they get with a new person, the new relationship energy is strong and so they have spontaneous desire...until they don't.
Sometimes yes, with the new partner
My take is women in general lose interest or get bored having sex with the same person much sooner and more often than men do. There are studies that point this out. This may not always be the case but it definitely explains why after several years of marriage it is usually the wife that loses interest in having sex much more often than the husbands lol
Interesting. I assume the data you mention applies mainly to married women? Do you have any links?