Go you, it takes a certain self-awareness to realize things.
I know, I was the cause of my DB. At least my wife was/is willing to work with me after I proved myself to her all over again.
Honestly the DB was the least of our problems. After 17 years and 6 of marriage there is just to much stress outside of a lacking bedroom. She has no ambition to grow up or do anything with her life and is perfectly fine letting me take on all the stresses and bs while she watches from the sideline. When I try to talk to her about it I was always met with this "this is just how I was raised" speech or "if you don't like it there's the door, why stay"
Well, yes and no.
She and I have known each other from a Catholic elementary school. She also attended a Catholic high school as well. Neither of us are practicing (me pegan and her idk) she blames a lot of how she is on her ethnicity.
I'm trying to sock the money aside from the second job to leave. I've been trying to get this job for a while now due to my awkward schedule at my first job.
That's just what she says. Even her father is one of those "men work women take care of the home" type thinkers. That mentality is what got him in his own struggling toxic marriage/family life. He regrets that way of thinking now just going off what's he's said.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that mentality if it is affordable and agreed with both sides prior to marriage. Although, if there are no kids involved it’s a little odd.
Me and her have had the conversation multiple times, if kids were involved she wants to be a sahm and normally that wouldn't bug me but the way she says things does. Like how it wouldn't be fair for her to miss out being with the child if she has to work. It should be me that misses out
I honestly think there is nothing left to work on. I'm mentally and physically checked out. My health has taken a concerning turn and I go very little time without a complete breakdown. For now I'm not saying anything and I just plan to leave. I know it's a Ahole move but if I tell her then I just suffer for it until I can leave.
I agree. bro ure at your prime. U cant spend the rest of your life carrying a parasite. it becomes heavy and no one has the stamina for it. Your wife is godlevel toxic for pulling this move. I advice u to have no hope. I would visit a lawyer, see how can I exit with least financial damages, pack my stuff and surprise her with a divorce without even informing her.
Document these actions and if you can manage to, get it on tape. Assuming that is legal where you live (seek council if you have not already done so). It will help you immensely in divorce proceedings to show proof of her conniving and transactional behavior, holding affection hostage, etc.
Easy and comfortable is an understatement lol. She's worked 18 months her entire adult life and ive always been the one with 2 jobs or 1 job working 16 to 20 hours a day after day. So it will be intriguing to see how this pans out for her.
Fully understood. From early age I had 2 to 3 jobs too to secure a better future and not for the partner to relax. You are not a workhorse. You deserve a good life. All the best with your next steps
If she’s not contributing financially, why do you need to save money to leave? You shouldn’t feel a need to take care of her anymore, it sounds like you’ve done more than enough of that already with zero reciprocity. Get out of there and take your life back.
**Please go to the divorce subreddits**
In many states the fact that she doesn't work and you provide a particular lifestyle translates to higher alimony payments.
The higher your income (2nd job) means more alimony
Please speak to an attorney and get the right guidance for your situation.
She's pissed because she feels that she's losing control. I'd lean into that. You can now do whatever you want whenever you want. What's she going to do, leave you? If she wanted to leave she would have done so already before it got all toxic. So she has no tools other than bullying and she feels that you are now getting wise to that.
Stay strong my friend, soon you'll have the money to leave that nightmare behind.
You owe her a little gratitude for becoming so transparent for you. Time to put an exit strategy into action. Congrats on finding a new path that could eventually lead you to happiness.
From past experience. I would close that bank account. And just keep it in cash. It probably would become a joint asset upon divorce. Or as my one buddy did that it very wealthy. Put it into silver bars. Good investment and not easy to find.
I've been collecting silver for years so that's not uncommon for me to do. Not a bad idea. The account is mainly to get money saved up to leave not to have thousands in it to hide forever. Just until I can move out.
Make sure you've hidden the bank card well and paperwork etc. she could easily get hold of the card and empty the account. (Not sure how banking works where you are, if this is possible etc)
Transactional sex is not making love. If you have to exchange something for her to have sex with you, you are being fleeced! At that point, might as well go to Nevada and pay for it. Not recommending this, just saying it is the same thing.
I notice you mentioned you have a checking account. Be careful she doesn't steal the last check out of your checkbook. My 1st wife did that. I only found out after we had an argument, she dumped out her purse on the car seat. I saw my last check, my class ring, and a few other things. I had to play it off. I picked up my class ring and put it in my pocket. The next day, I closed my bank account. I could write a book about the shit my ex did. Good luck friend.
So, your wife wants to be a hooker? Cuz that's what she was doing, demanding cash for kitty. You are better off without her; stick with your plan to leave
Sounds like a shallow, shitty, manipulative person. Sorry for your loss, and by that I mean for what you thought you had. I’d def toss her as quick as you can. Scrub the account, hide your finances, divorce and start over
I wish there was a better way to hide it, but she knows I work a second job because now, quite literally, I'm scheduled to work every single day. Eventually, she'll question why more income isn't in the account she has access too and jobs now a days don't like doing live checks anymore...so cash is out of the question
Just a heads up that the money you are putting into a separate account will still be half hers if you earn it during the course of your marriage. If you are thinking of leaving it’s good to privately consult with an attorney
>Opened up a bank account where she has no access or anything and it's completely pissed her off.
I can't think of a scenario where this doesn't come back to bite you. A) almost always, marital assets are considered community property - she will get half of the money in there; B) her knowing about it is BAD for you because the trust is gone....she will probably be thinking 'if he has one, he has more....' and 'what other assets is he hiding? Cash? Jewelry? Safe deposit boxes? Etc?'.
Ypu need to be (if ypu aren't already) talking to a divorce attorney in your county/jurisdiction ASAP....because, she probably is, too.
If you can try and get a legal separation asap. Some states require you to be separated for a year before a divorce will be granted. It will protect you financially. Also drain that separate account on paying your lawyer. Anything left in it once you separate, she is entitled to half.
Wow. I am very sorry you still stuck there. Looks like you are the only one working. That alone is brutal.
Are you worried about alimony when you leave?
What is keeping you from just saying bye now? You are the only one bringing in income so why not just kick her out?
Right now, I'm trying to handle a few things that would make court and leaving easier on me. Paying off and/or handling debt. Getting money together for ridiculous rent prices. Because of her refusal to work, we reside with her parents, so I have to handle living situations as well.
My escape has always been work, just so happened to benefit money wise too. If things aren't going well at home I escape to work or anything else to get out of this house. So could very well be? I hope you the best tho.
I’m a nurse and I physically can’t do more than 3-4 thirteen hour shifts a week. I do take call but honestly nursing is awful and I cry before during and after most shifts so it’s not much better than home. I was in med surg and between that and my marriage I was so miserable one night I just walked in front of an oncoming train near my home. I’m still angry that it didn’t work. Who does that and lives. In what reality does 106 pound female vs 5 engine fright train win? The only thing that did teach me is I’m here for a reason so wtf is it?
I feel this. Also a healthcare worker. Stress at work cannot be brought home. Stress at home cannot be brought to work. Having the insight on how to unalive yourself properly and thoroughly is a cold comfort.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I do hope you find peace and happiness down the line. I'm not really religious, but I do believe that hard times are for a reason and to force strength and growth in us for better lives.
My current schedule is 12 hr shifts 7 days a week. I don't want to work that much, but friends have either left of been driven away because of my marriage. My family is a piece of work themselves, so i removed myself from their lives, and I don't really have much of a social life.
Sorry to hear. That's incredibly shit. The only silver-lining is that, even from the brief read, she is so blatant that at least emotionally it may be easier for you to let go.
You're already planning to move forward, have your own funds. Great job!
All the best for whatever the future holds (without having to feel like a walking atm)
I always wonder why this behaviour gets a pissed off reaction when someone points them out that prostitutes are cheaper. It is essentially asking access to (a lot of) money in exchange for sex
I dunno man. Since she will have access to the money in the second account if you divorce you pretty much will need to spend it. I also agree that she is probably going to start doing the same thing (socking things away). Maybe you can do something that brings up the subject again. And then actually pay your wife for some sex... could be fun. Worst case is you have mediocre sex. Best case is that your wife likes it as a kink and all the sudden you are having lots of sex again. It could happen!
I can honestly say that honestly, I'm good without it. If she wants to screw me over more, then there's nothing I can do to stop it. I was dealt a shitty hand in so many aspects, not just including marriage. I'm used to being walked on. I will deal with it one way or another when the time comes
I have commented a couple of times about trying to assume there's good intent behind an LL's actions: that the LL might be embarrassed about their appearance or ashamed of their performance or worried they can't give their partner an orgasm, or just too uptight to talk about what they like.
Boy, is this not an instance where that thought applies.
My first thought was, "There's a word for somebody who has sex for money."
But actually, and knowing nothing really about OP's situation, I can't help wondering if what pisses her off isn't not being able to get her hands on the money, but that OP is carving out a little bit of autonomy in his life. I'd be curious if she hates all his male friends. And contemplates taking out a contract for murder if he has any female friends.
To answer that yeah she has hated all my friends. As for jealousy yeah it's there too and she has made remarks in the past "jokingly" about taking pieces of me and putting them in a jar next to her bed to sleep next too
I have lost many friends over the years to the point I have 2 good ones left one lives to far for her to have a problem with and the other is a work friend she's not aware of
I do not often say this: Solely based on the above information, this relationship is toxic. Get out. There is no hope here.
I've been planning my escape for a while. Finally, have it in motion, tho.
Go you, it takes a certain self-awareness to realize things. I know, I was the cause of my DB. At least my wife was/is willing to work with me after I proved myself to her all over again.
Honestly the DB was the least of our problems. After 17 years and 6 of marriage there is just to much stress outside of a lacking bedroom. She has no ambition to grow up or do anything with her life and is perfectly fine letting me take on all the stresses and bs while she watches from the sideline. When I try to talk to her about it I was always met with this "this is just how I was raised" speech or "if you don't like it there's the door, why stay"
Oof. Was she raised heavily religious? Is *feels* like it.
Well, yes and no. She and I have known each other from a Catholic elementary school. She also attended a Catholic high school as well. Neither of us are practicing (me pegan and her idk) she blames a lot of how she is on her ethnicity.
Ok so classic case of blaming everything and everybody else. Nothing changes until she takes accountability and sees where she needs to improve.
That's a tall order for her. Due to our living situation, she's constantly surrounded by people who encourage and condone her behavior
That’s ass 😕 so there are so many more issues aside from the DB then. That sucks. Are you planning on staying much longer?
I'm trying to sock the money aside from the second job to leave. I've been trying to get this job for a while now due to my awkward schedule at my first job.
How does she think her ethnicity comes into play? Is there one where men are required to pamper the wife or something???
That's just what she says. Even her father is one of those "men work women take care of the home" type thinkers. That mentality is what got him in his own struggling toxic marriage/family life. He regrets that way of thinking now just going off what's he's said.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that mentality if it is affordable and agreed with both sides prior to marriage. Although, if there are no kids involved it’s a little odd.
Me and her have had the conversation multiple times, if kids were involved she wants to be a sahm and normally that wouldn't bug me but the way she says things does. Like how it wouldn't be fair for her to miss out being with the child if she has to work. It should be me that misses out
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Hispanic
Jeeze. I would suggest keeping your way out viable and progressing while trying to fix things with her. Otherwise... hit her with divorce and bail.
I honestly think there is nothing left to work on. I'm mentally and physically checked out. My health has taken a concerning turn and I go very little time without a complete breakdown. For now I'm not saying anything and I just plan to leave. I know it's a Ahole move but if I tell her then I just suffer for it until I can leave.
I agree. bro ure at your prime. U cant spend the rest of your life carrying a parasite. it becomes heavy and no one has the stamina for it. Your wife is godlevel toxic for pulling this move. I advice u to have no hope. I would visit a lawyer, see how can I exit with least financial damages, pack my stuff and surprise her with a divorce without even informing her.
You know your situation best. I suggested it to keep all options open. That's all.
I know and I appreciate it. Thank you
Sound like it’s time to take the second option she offered — take the door and leave. There is no fixing her.
Document these actions and if you can manage to, get it on tape. Assuming that is legal where you live (seek council if you have not already done so). It will help you immensely in divorce proceedings to show proof of her conniving and transactional behavior, holding affection hostage, etc.
Make sure all of your ducks are in a row before pulling the trigger and serving her with divorce papers.
This was BRUTAL, even for this sub. GL OP!
Thank you
Woohoo! Stay the course mate. Nice work. Amazing how sexual they can be when things are going to stop being so easy and comfortable, right?
Easy and comfortable is an understatement lol. She's worked 18 months her entire adult life and ive always been the one with 2 jobs or 1 job working 16 to 20 hours a day after day. So it will be intriguing to see how this pans out for her.
You got this! Be strong and see it through! BTW, no kids?
No and as badly as I would love to have kids someday I can't bring myself to have her be the mother
Fully understood. From early age I had 2 to 3 jobs too to secure a better future and not for the partner to relax. You are not a workhorse. You deserve a good life. All the best with your next steps
Thanks I'm hopeful with whatever comes next.
Watch out for this trap. She might just initiate to get knocked up. Seen it before.
No excuse for her behaviors without kids. That's a dead weight in a dead bedroom.
This right here .... Smartest comment yet
That is WISE.
If she’s not contributing financially, why do you need to save money to leave? You shouldn’t feel a need to take care of her anymore, it sounds like you’ve done more than enough of that already with zero reciprocity. Get out of there and take your life back.
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Thank you. I'm hoping so too.
Wait...you don't have kids, and she has never really worked, and you worked multiple jobs to keep everything afloat? What the hell? What did she do?
>She's worked 18 months her entire adult life I hope that you aren't in an area with 'spousal support'....
I'm pretty sure I am.
Talk to an attorney....
If you aren't 100% sure what the laws are where you live, then you cannot formulate an effective strategy going into it....
**Please go to the divorce subreddits** In many states the fact that she doesn't work and you provide a particular lifestyle translates to higher alimony payments. The higher your income (2nd job) means more alimony Please speak to an attorney and get the right guidance for your situation.
She's pissed because she feels that she's losing control. I'd lean into that. You can now do whatever you want whenever you want. What's she going to do, leave you? If she wanted to leave she would have done so already before it got all toxic. So she has no tools other than bullying and she feels that you are now getting wise to that. Stay strong my friend, soon you'll have the money to leave that nightmare behind.
You owe her a little gratitude for becoming so transparent for you. Time to put an exit strategy into action. Congrats on finding a new path that could eventually lead you to happiness.
From past experience. I would close that bank account. And just keep it in cash. It probably would become a joint asset upon divorce. Or as my one buddy did that it very wealthy. Put it into silver bars. Good investment and not easy to find.
I've been collecting silver for years so that's not uncommon for me to do. Not a bad idea. The account is mainly to get money saved up to leave not to have thousands in it to hide forever. Just until I can move out.
This. You’re married. It’s her money too right now regardless of access.
Usually when someone has sex for money we call them a prostitute
Make sure you've hidden the bank card well and paperwork etc. she could easily get hold of the card and empty the account. (Not sure how banking works where you are, if this is possible etc)
Transactional sex is not making love. If you have to exchange something for her to have sex with you, you are being fleeced! At that point, might as well go to Nevada and pay for it. Not recommending this, just saying it is the same thing.
The moving goal-post transactional sex is even worse.
I notice you mentioned you have a checking account. Be careful she doesn't steal the last check out of your checkbook. My 1st wife did that. I only found out after we had an argument, she dumped out her purse on the car seat. I saw my last check, my class ring, and a few other things. I had to play it off. I picked up my class ring and put it in my pocket. The next day, I closed my bank account. I could write a book about the shit my ex did. Good luck friend.
I don't have any physical checks, just a bank card. I don't keep checks for reasons like that after family issues.
Smart man!
Wow, this is straight-up movie villain shit.
Seems like she knows you’re leaving and this is her last ditch effort to remain in control. Here’s hoping she gets zero alimony.
So she's offering herself as a prostitute to you?
Pretty much right?
There are so many ways you could have responded back to her "offer" 😏
Not that I'm in a clearer state of mind, I thought up a few myself, but to hear that just kinda shocked me.
What's hers is hers and what's yours is hers also.
Now that's a real nutcracker right there.
I'm glad you're making plans to leave. That is awful!!! Good luck! You're going to be much happier when this is all said and done.
That was her follow up, "I want access"? Whoa......
So, your wife wants to be a hooker? Cuz that's what she was doing, demanding cash for kitty. You are better off without her; stick with your plan to leave
Sounds like a shallow, shitty, manipulative person. Sorry for your loss, and by that I mean for what you thought you had. I’d def toss her as quick as you can. Scrub the account, hide your finances, divorce and start over
How did she find out about the bank account? I am under the impression it was supposed to be secret. She will likely ask for half when you divorce.
I wish there was a better way to hide it, but she knows I work a second job because now, quite literally, I'm scheduled to work every single day. Eventually, she'll question why more income isn't in the account she has access too and jobs now a days don't like doing live checks anymore...so cash is out of the question
Hopefully you won’t get stuck with paying alimony.
Did she really think that if she had sex with you, you'd give her access to a bank account??
I'm guessing so. She thinks I'm desperate I guess. She swore it was a joke but that's a shitty joke to me.
Definitely justified if and when you leave her. So it now while you’re still young.
If you gave her access to your money in exchange for sex that would make her what?
An impulsive purchase followed by buyers' remorse
I was just going to say whore but your answer is better.
Just a heads up that the money you are putting into a separate account will still be half hers if you earn it during the course of your marriage. If you are thinking of leaving it’s good to privately consult with an attorney
Yeah I know. There honestly won't be much left in it when I leave if anything.
>Opened up a bank account where she has no access or anything and it's completely pissed her off. I can't think of a scenario where this doesn't come back to bite you. A) almost always, marital assets are considered community property - she will get half of the money in there; B) her knowing about it is BAD for you because the trust is gone....she will probably be thinking 'if he has one, he has more....' and 'what other assets is he hiding? Cash? Jewelry? Safe deposit boxes? Etc?'. Ypu need to be (if ypu aren't already) talking to a divorce attorney in your county/jurisdiction ASAP....because, she probably is, too.
Not if he spends it all before they separate. Lawyer fees and first and last on a apartment will probably drain the account
True, but wife is on high alert, and suspicious of everything.
If you can try and get a legal separation asap. Some states require you to be separated for a year before a divorce will be granted. It will protect you financially. Also drain that separate account on paying your lawyer. Anything left in it once you separate, she is entitled to half.
6 months where I am currently.
Wow. I am very sorry you still stuck there. Looks like you are the only one working. That alone is brutal. Are you worried about alimony when you leave? What is keeping you from just saying bye now? You are the only one bringing in income so why not just kick her out?
Right now, I'm trying to handle a few things that would make court and leaving easier on me. Paying off and/or handling debt. Getting money together for ridiculous rent prices. Because of her refusal to work, we reside with her parents, so I have to handle living situations as well.
Aw man. I'm so sorry. Wishing you the best.
Talk to the bank and Close any joint accounts.
I would ask her what is her going rate. Is blow job extra?
Don't wanna be that guy... but the price she wants definitely isn't worth the skill level she provides
God maybe that’s why mine is thinking about finally getting a second job after I’ve begged….. lord I can only hope. God I wish he would leave…
My escape has always been work, just so happened to benefit money wise too. If things aren't going well at home I escape to work or anything else to get out of this house. So could very well be? I hope you the best tho.
I’m a nurse and I physically can’t do more than 3-4 thirteen hour shifts a week. I do take call but honestly nursing is awful and I cry before during and after most shifts so it’s not much better than home. I was in med surg and between that and my marriage I was so miserable one night I just walked in front of an oncoming train near my home. I’m still angry that it didn’t work. Who does that and lives. In what reality does 106 pound female vs 5 engine fright train win? The only thing that did teach me is I’m here for a reason so wtf is it?
I feel this. Also a healthcare worker. Stress at work cannot be brought home. Stress at home cannot be brought to work. Having the insight on how to unalive yourself properly and thoroughly is a cold comfort.
Do you have such insight being as I assumed a freight train would do it ?
I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I do hope you find peace and happiness down the line. I'm not really religious, but I do believe that hard times are for a reason and to force strength and growth in us for better lives. My current schedule is 12 hr shifts 7 days a week. I don't want to work that much, but friends have either left of been driven away because of my marriage. My family is a piece of work themselves, so i removed myself from their lives, and I don't really have much of a social life.
Sorry to hear. That's incredibly shit. The only silver-lining is that, even from the brief read, she is so blatant that at least emotionally it may be easier for you to let go. You're already planning to move forward, have your own funds. Great job! All the best for whatever the future holds (without having to feel like a walking atm)
I always wonder why this behaviour gets a pissed off reaction when someone points them out that prostitutes are cheaper. It is essentially asking access to (a lot of) money in exchange for sex
I dunno man. Since she will have access to the money in the second account if you divorce you pretty much will need to spend it. I also agree that she is probably going to start doing the same thing (socking things away). Maybe you can do something that brings up the subject again. And then actually pay your wife for some sex... could be fun. Worst case is you have mediocre sex. Best case is that your wife likes it as a kink and all the sudden you are having lots of sex again. It could happen!
I can honestly say that honestly, I'm good without it. If she wants to screw me over more, then there's nothing I can do to stop it. I was dealt a shitty hand in so many aspects, not just including marriage. I'm used to being walked on. I will deal with it one way or another when the time comes
I have commented a couple of times about trying to assume there's good intent behind an LL's actions: that the LL might be embarrassed about their appearance or ashamed of their performance or worried they can't give their partner an orgasm, or just too uptight to talk about what they like. Boy, is this not an instance where that thought applies. My first thought was, "There's a word for somebody who has sex for money." But actually, and knowing nothing really about OP's situation, I can't help wondering if what pisses her off isn't not being able to get her hands on the money, but that OP is carving out a little bit of autonomy in his life. I'd be curious if she hates all his male friends. And contemplates taking out a contract for murder if he has any female friends.
To answer that yeah she has hated all my friends. As for jealousy yeah it's there too and she has made remarks in the past "jokingly" about taking pieces of me and putting them in a jar next to her bed to sleep next too
I have lost many friends over the years to the point I have 2 good ones left one lives to far for her to have a problem with and the other is a work friend she's not aware of
Yeesh. Well, when you get out, remember that you're somebody who can make friends and give it some effort. It's crucial!
Can someone please explain what's hlm llf db means
HLM = high libido male LLF = low libido female DB = dead bedroom
Thanks