I’m a seven and I know just how you feel. Everything about my life makes sense now but it fucking chaps my ass. I have psoriatic arthritis and I’m pretty sure it’s because of my childhood. Autoimmune disease is all over my family but so is generational trauma. Ketamine really helped me for awhile but I quit responding last year. I recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It was a rough read the first time and unsettling to have a stranger seem to know so much about me. I also love Adult Children Od Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. Welcome to this lousy club. 🫠
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents got me fucked up. In a "good" way, I suppose. It really hit home for me in a lot of ways.
I've had rosacea since puberty and I wonder if it was to do with my parents and the stress of living with them. I got a blood clot in my leg when I was 20 as well. I have Factor V Leiden and was on birth control, but it's still supposed to be a pretty rare occurrence. I remember my dad being super mad at me because he left work early to meet me at the hospital. He shouted at me and about me a lot while I was dealing with that and gave me the silent treatment too... All the while posting on Facebook for sympathy like I was dying.
The thing that makes me so mad about it all is he thinks he is God's gift to us all 😭 God didn't even give us a fucking receipt to return him.
Holy shit, I scored a 9, and my former psychologist told me that I had the most extreme trauma of any patient he’d ever treated. He said I should be dead or completely non-functional.
Yet I managed to put myself through college and grad school and eventually got my PhD, because *fuck* my egg and sperm donors.
Oh, I’m still a mess in a lot of ways. But thanks to therapy and psychotropic meds, I can somehow still function.
Still, hearing my psychologist say that really fucked with my head.
I was a high-achiever, too. I put myself through school, and won scholarships. I was the valedictorian of both my program and for the general graduation ceremony. I was able to handle everything for decades, while having terrible depression.
I agree, hearing that we're so broken is upsetting.
I knew it was bad when in my second or third therapy session, my therapist asked if I was considering self harm. Well, not right now but yikes.
ETA: thanks for the concern. I’m ok, that was poorly phrased.
I did the test myself, but I scored quite high too, somewhere around that. I recall answering the worst option for most questions. It's kinda validating to hear in a way, even though they shouldn't have said it. We've been through a LOT worse than most, but we're still here. doesn't really feel good, just somewhat validating.
I'm also 9, but my therapist definitely never said anything like that. I have made multiple doctors look at me in horror at some of my childhood stories though.
I'm so sorry that's the case. I have not, although my sister said she's had several therapists tell her that her trauma is more than they can handle/help with from stuff that happened in her early adulthood.
My ACE score is an 8. It would be a 9 if one question was worded differently to indicate the abuser in the household was my mother.
I never brought it up because I no longer speak to her, and my dad is just an emotionless pit of Appalachian republican misogyny who listened to a few things, but he prefers his ignorance.
My ACE was a 6, but would have been 7 if the emphasis on one question wasn't on my mother being the one frequently hit... I imagine we are talking about the same question.
Did the creator of this test not consider that women can be physically abusive to male spouses?
That's the one! I've brought that very question up every single time I've been given the test in a professional setting and they never have an answer as to why that question is one sided. My mother is a VIOLENT woman who abused everyone around her, including my dad. He has his own issues, but he's nothing like that psycho woman.
Also, it just occurred to me reading these comments that "Oh maybe I didn't have it that bad compared to all these 8s and 9s"
Then it hit me: all 10 questions are *really shitty experiences* and having even *one* of them is still not fucking normal!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say a LOT of this stuff IS "normal", which is why the test exists and why so very many people identify with the questions. Abuse is "normal" in the sense that it's just so widespread and generational.
No one, no family, is exempt from abuse. That's my take, anyway.
You make a valid point, though I'd counter that "common" does not always equate to "normal".... or rather I'd change "normal" to "healthy".
It is a sad fact that such things are so frequent in society and I hope that collectively with access to Internet and therapy the adult generations now can start to break the cycle for future generations.
I was recently just speaking to my former (first) stepdad who is the sweetest man. We reconnected 17 years after she cheated on him and kicked him out (I was 8).
He said to me the other day that one of his most vivid memories of his time with her (4 years) was her throwing plates around the kitchen during arguments, smashing them and narrowly missing him.
My second stepdad was abusive in his own way but he held fast to his morals of "never hit a woman". I'm not impressed though, he may never have struck me but he used his physical size to corner and intimidate me instead, while telling me how badly he'd beat me if I wasn't a girl. Such good morals /s
I scored 9.
I have been in therapy most of my adult life. Diagnosed with PTSD and GAD. I also have two severe autoimmune disorders, both of which have strong links to extreme childhood trauma.
I’m now able to function relatively well, but it took years of hard work in therapy. Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Neurontin, Prazosin (for night terrors) and Klonopin have helped quite a bit.
You can get through this. Don’t let them win. Thrive out of spite if you must.
I’ve never discussed my score with my sperm and egg donors. They threw me out into the streets when I was a teenager after learning I was gay. I’ve been no NC with the egg donor for nearly 2 decades. After decades of trying to get my sperm donor to recognize me as a human being, I finally gave up and have been NC since 2018.
Remember how I said I scored 9 on the ACE’s test?
Yeah, the two fuckers who did those unspeakable things to me are devout evangelical xtians. They couldn’t accept having a gay son because it would make Jesus cry. But all of those things they did to me that caused me to get a score of nine were apparently ok.
(And to any well meaning xtians here who feel compelled to reply that my parents aren’t “real Christians“: Don’t. I almost certainly know more about your religion than you do, and I have no time for the “no true Scotsman” fallacy. Please keep it to yourself and just pray for me if you must).
They're definitely real christians, christians have literally been doing these things but on a far larger scale since the birth of modern Christianity (and probably earlier)
I scored a 5. I had to respond "no" to the questions about family members being on drugs, or going to prison, or having their own mental health diagnoses. My parents did their abuse while sober, and never got their own mental health checked out. My stepdad belongs in prison, but he got away with his crimes. I know that makes me score lower on the test. But it's actually more terrifying to me that they didn't need substances to fuel their abuse, they were just like that while being sober 24/7. It's even more terrifying to me that they never got help for their issues, and justice has never been done.
Same here. My mom never needed a drink or a drug to beat my ass. She did it all stone cold sober. I’ve always thought I “deserved” an extra point for my mom being so batshit crazy she just beat me because I pissed her off. And there was no way of predicting her moods.
I understand completely. I *wish* my father had been an addict or alcoholic, because at least then the abuse would make some sort of sense.
But no, he was just a sadistic bastard who despised his “fag” son.
I’m a 7- here’s the good news, resilience and hope (and proactive self compassion work) can make a difference.
The fact that you are seeking therapy is huge. We are cycle breakers!
The physical stuff is a real bummer tho.
I’m an 8 - have a successful 9-year marriage, one 11 month old with my wife being 11w pregnant, we make over $250,000 a year, own a new house and a new car - so the number means nothing other than you’ve been through a lot of shit. 10+ years of therapy with emdr and internal family systems being the most helpful. Getting to know my parts helped tremendously and rewiring my brain. Used mushrooms and mdma medically as well which helped a ton. Have a healthy relationship with my mother (main abuser but sober for many years) and estranged from dad (no anger but no need to be in my life)
The next step is trauma recovery therapy (EMDR). I did it twice a week for two years, and am now going once a week. I went from 36% recovered to 70% recovered. It's worth it to go to a seasoned certified therapist.
Reading also helped:
Pete Walker:s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
What happened to you by Oprah
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/).
**Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts.
**Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk)
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Oh wow. I had to look it up bc I’ve never heard of this test. For anyone else who doesn’t know,
“‘ACEs’ stands for ‘Adverse Childhood Experiences.’ These experiences can include things like physical and emotional abuse, neglect, caregiver mental illness, and household violence.” - harvard.edu
I’ve never taken it (obviously) but I think I’d score pretty low. My amazing mom had primary custody and while my dad was a narcissist, he was not neglectful or overtly abusive. “Just” an asshole and possibly a pederast (not to me).
Thanks for sharing this. I didn't know about the ACE test before, so just took one online and I'm a 5. Not awful, not great, particularly as I was borderline on a couple of the questions
I’m a seven and I know just how you feel. Everything about my life makes sense now but it fucking chaps my ass. I have psoriatic arthritis and I’m pretty sure it’s because of my childhood. Autoimmune disease is all over my family but so is generational trauma. Ketamine really helped me for awhile but I quit responding last year. I recommend The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk. It was a rough read the first time and unsettling to have a stranger seem to know so much about me. I also love Adult Children Od Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson and Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nakazawa. Welcome to this lousy club. 🫠
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents got me fucked up. In a "good" way, I suppose. It really hit home for me in a lot of ways. I've had rosacea since puberty and I wonder if it was to do with my parents and the stress of living with them. I got a blood clot in my leg when I was 20 as well. I have Factor V Leiden and was on birth control, but it's still supposed to be a pretty rare occurrence. I remember my dad being super mad at me because he left work early to meet me at the hospital. He shouted at me and about me a lot while I was dealing with that and gave me the silent treatment too... All the while posting on Facebook for sympathy like I was dying. The thing that makes me so mad about it all is he thinks he is God's gift to us all 😭 God didn't even give us a fucking receipt to return him.
I'm a 9. My therapist said that I was "the most profoundly traumatized" person he had met who "wasn't insane or dead by suicide." Uh, gee...thanks?
 My therapist said something similar to me once. Not the most but one of the most.
Holy shit, I scored a 9, and my former psychologist told me that I had the most extreme trauma of any patient he’d ever treated. He said I should be dead or completely non-functional. Yet I managed to put myself through college and grad school and eventually got my PhD, because *fuck* my egg and sperm donors. Oh, I’m still a mess in a lot of ways. But thanks to therapy and psychotropic meds, I can somehow still function. Still, hearing my psychologist say that really fucked with my head.
I was a high-achiever, too. I put myself through school, and won scholarships. I was the valedictorian of both my program and for the general graduation ceremony. I was able to handle everything for decades, while having terrible depression. I agree, hearing that we're so broken is upsetting.
Club nine checking in too!
I knew it was bad when in my second or third therapy session, my therapist asked if I was considering self harm. Well, not right now but yikes. ETA: thanks for the concern. I’m ok, that was poorly phrased.
No, you should not sh. You are worthy of care, not harm.
Yeah, 9 here, too. Didn't use the insane word - something similar. I think I just acknowledged it was an interesting childhood.
To all of you in club 9, I am in awe of your resilience and perseverance. You are all beautiful souls and I delight in your thriving
Thanks! 😊
I did the test myself, but I scored quite high too, somewhere around that. I recall answering the worst option for most questions. It's kinda validating to hear in a way, even though they shouldn't have said it. We've been through a LOT worse than most, but we're still here. doesn't really feel good, just somewhat validating.
I'm also 9, but my therapist definitely never said anything like that. I have made multiple doctors look at me in horror at some of my childhood stories though.
I have made several therapists cry while sharing my life history.
I'm so sorry that's the case. I have not, although my sister said she's had several therapists tell her that her trauma is more than they can handle/help with from stuff that happened in her early adulthood.
My ACE score is an 8. It would be a 9 if one question was worded differently to indicate the abuser in the household was my mother. I never brought it up because I no longer speak to her, and my dad is just an emotionless pit of Appalachian republican misogyny who listened to a few things, but he prefers his ignorance.
I'm an 8 too. My mother apparently drew the line at people who liked to abuse adults. Kids were a different story
My ACE was a 6, but would have been 7 if the emphasis on one question wasn't on my mother being the one frequently hit... I imagine we are talking about the same question. Did the creator of this test not consider that women can be physically abusive to male spouses?
That's the one! I've brought that very question up every single time I've been given the test in a professional setting and they never have an answer as to why that question is one sided. My mother is a VIOLENT woman who abused everyone around her, including my dad. He has his own issues, but he's nothing like that psycho woman.
Also, it just occurred to me reading these comments that "Oh maybe I didn't have it that bad compared to all these 8s and 9s" Then it hit me: all 10 questions are *really shitty experiences* and having even *one* of them is still not fucking normal!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say a LOT of this stuff IS "normal", which is why the test exists and why so very many people identify with the questions. Abuse is "normal" in the sense that it's just so widespread and generational. No one, no family, is exempt from abuse. That's my take, anyway.
You make a valid point, though I'd counter that "common" does not always equate to "normal".... or rather I'd change "normal" to "healthy". It is a sad fact that such things are so frequent in society and I hope that collectively with access to Internet and therapy the adult generations now can start to break the cycle for future generations.
I was recently just speaking to my former (first) stepdad who is the sweetest man. We reconnected 17 years after she cheated on him and kicked him out (I was 8). He said to me the other day that one of his most vivid memories of his time with her (4 years) was her throwing plates around the kitchen during arguments, smashing them and narrowly missing him. My second stepdad was abusive in his own way but he held fast to his morals of "never hit a woman". I'm not impressed though, he may never have struck me but he used his physical size to corner and intimidate me instead, while telling me how badly he'd beat me if I wasn't a girl. Such good morals /s
I scored 9. I have been in therapy most of my adult life. Diagnosed with PTSD and GAD. I also have two severe autoimmune disorders, both of which have strong links to extreme childhood trauma. I’m now able to function relatively well, but it took years of hard work in therapy. Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Neurontin, Prazosin (for night terrors) and Klonopin have helped quite a bit. You can get through this. Don’t let them win. Thrive out of spite if you must. I’ve never discussed my score with my sperm and egg donors. They threw me out into the streets when I was a teenager after learning I was gay. I’ve been no NC with the egg donor for nearly 2 decades. After decades of trying to get my sperm donor to recognize me as a human being, I finally gave up and have been NC since 2018. Remember how I said I scored 9 on the ACE’s test? Yeah, the two fuckers who did those unspeakable things to me are devout evangelical xtians. They couldn’t accept having a gay son because it would make Jesus cry. But all of those things they did to me that caused me to get a score of nine were apparently ok. (And to any well meaning xtians here who feel compelled to reply that my parents aren’t “real Christians“: Don’t. I almost certainly know more about your religion than you do, and I have no time for the “no true Scotsman” fallacy. Please keep it to yourself and just pray for me if you must).
I’m so glad you’re here. Your perseverance is beautiful
Thank you so much.
They're definitely real christians, christians have literally been doing these things but on a far larger scale since the birth of modern Christianity (and probably earlier)
I scored a 5. I had to respond "no" to the questions about family members being on drugs, or going to prison, or having their own mental health diagnoses. My parents did their abuse while sober, and never got their own mental health checked out. My stepdad belongs in prison, but he got away with his crimes. I know that makes me score lower on the test. But it's actually more terrifying to me that they didn't need substances to fuel their abuse, they were just like that while being sober 24/7. It's even more terrifying to me that they never got help for their issues, and justice has never been done.
Same here. My mom never needed a drink or a drug to beat my ass. She did it all stone cold sober. I’ve always thought I “deserved” an extra point for my mom being so batshit crazy she just beat me because I pissed her off. And there was no way of predicting her moods.
Can we say they were drunk off their own fucked up brain chemistry? Lol
Did we have the same mother?! Being so calculating and deliberate about the abuse is a whole other level of f**ked up.
I understand completely. I *wish* my father had been an addict or alcoholic, because at least then the abuse would make some sort of sense. But no, he was just a sadistic bastard who despised his “fag” son.
I’m a 7- here’s the good news, resilience and hope (and proactive self compassion work) can make a difference. The fact that you are seeking therapy is huge. We are cycle breakers! The physical stuff is a real bummer tho.
I’m an 8 - have a successful 9-year marriage, one 11 month old with my wife being 11w pregnant, we make over $250,000 a year, own a new house and a new car - so the number means nothing other than you’ve been through a lot of shit. 10+ years of therapy with emdr and internal family systems being the most helpful. Getting to know my parts helped tremendously and rewiring my brain. Used mushrooms and mdma medically as well which helped a ton. Have a healthy relationship with my mother (main abuser but sober for many years) and estranged from dad (no anger but no need to be in my life)
The next step is trauma recovery therapy (EMDR). I did it twice a week for two years, and am now going once a week. I went from 36% recovered to 70% recovered. It's worth it to go to a seasoned certified therapist. Reading also helped: Pete Walker:s Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A GUIDE AND MAP FOR RECOVERING FROM CHILDHOOD TRAUMA. What happened to you by Oprah
**Quick reminder** - EAK is a support subreddit, and is moderated in a way that enables a safe space for adult children who are estranged or estranging from one or both of their parents. Before participating, please take the time time to familiarise yourself with our [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/wiki/rules/). **Need info or resources?** Check out our [EAK wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/EstrangedAdultKids/comments/xpkk59/eak_estrangement_resources_posted_here_for_mobile/) for helpful information and guides on estrangement, estrangement triggers, surviving estrangement, coping with the death of estranged parent / relation, needing to move out, boundary / NC letters, malicious welfare checks, bad therapists and crisis contacts. **Check out our companion resource website** - Visit [brEAKaway.org.uk](https://breakaway.org.uk) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/EstrangedAdultKids) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t know what that is, but I was diagnosed with PTSD at 18. Fun times.
Oh wow. I had to look it up bc I’ve never heard of this test. For anyone else who doesn’t know, “‘ACEs’ stands for ‘Adverse Childhood Experiences.’ These experiences can include things like physical and emotional abuse, neglect, caregiver mental illness, and household violence.” - harvard.edu I’ve never taken it (obviously) but I think I’d score pretty low. My amazing mom had primary custody and while my dad was a narcissist, he was not neglectful or overtly abusive. “Just” an asshole and possibly a pederast (not to me).
7 here.
Thanks for sharing this. I didn't know about the ACE test before, so just took one online and I'm a 5. Not awful, not great, particularly as I was borderline on a couple of the questions