I just cackled! Been thinking of reaching out again to the ghoster, but why? He’s a loser. Emotionally unavailable and a poor communicator. That’s not what I want. He did me a favor by removing himself. That’s what I need to remember.
Am I the only one that thinks ghosting and silent treatment is a form of abuse? I always told myself, as a guy, I’d never be in an abusive relationship until I met my ghosty ex
No, you’re not! It is cruel and selfish. People who ghost and do the silent treatment are either incapable of having grown-ass conversations or cowards. Probably both. My guy ghosted me twice after telling me he loved me.
It’s a total narcissist move, some may not realize it, but they do it so it will likely make you jump should they decide they need to use you for supply or anything for that matter.
Newish Relationships (under 2-3 years) are almost always between the loved and the loving. It is rarely between 2 people who love each other equally. That’s why they take work and compromise. At any giving time the roles can switch.
That being said someone who’s ghosted you already knew that hitting you with the shock of losing them would make you care even more. For them it’s win win. No need to deal with the headache if they decided they don’t need you and you will be more into them if they come back within a reasonable mount of time
Edited: for spelling, sentence structure, and accidentally sending before my thought was finished
My ex, who Im starting to believe is a narcissist, not long before she dumped me, 6 to 1 year prior I think, told me something like “maybe we need time away to see if you have interest on me/do something about it” then when she dumped me she said she did’t believe in taking a break.
All people have can have a narcissistic trait or 2 but not all people are actual narcissists. So it’s hard to say. Pretty much any petty and selfish act can make them seem a narcissist.
From my experience my ex did what they call love bombing. She acted like I was perfect at first everything about me was great. Tbh if I was younger it would have pushed me away. Then after building you up, in their mind they devalue you. Could be any little thing but once that happens they will flip and they will treat you like trash and not hide the fact that they think you’re valueless.
Gas lighting is also a key staple of control used by most narcissists. Once devalued you exist to as supply to make them feel loved when they want it and to be dumped on when they feel low. They will cheat with you on the phone or in the car in front of the house and tell you, your fucking crazy if you call them on their shit, wouldn’t matter if you had pictures they would find a way to twist it about you being crazy and them never doing wrong. Because they are smarter than you and you won’t leave. Or at least that’s what they believe.
Damn i was sure i cant be attracted to someone who doesn't wanna try for me. Guess its fucked: and its different, once you had them. I've got my candy, candy turned out to be a licorice. Why do I still want that?
I read an article once that getting the silent treatment is as painful to the body, if not more, than getting physically hit. It is absolutely abuse. My ex-husband used to use the silent treatment all the time. The last one lasted six months and ended with me filing for divorce.
I'm sorry you went through a month of it. No one should have to experience it at all.
Yep, in a one bedroom apartment... My dad passed away in July of that year. Between July and August, my ex husband had given me the silent treatment three times. The final one being 6 months because I wanted to see how long it would last if I didn't "fix" it.
It's been 6 years since this happened, but I'm pretty sure the last one was because I wanted to talk about how he had made plans five weekends in a row that didn't include me and weren't communicated with me.
He was living like he was single and I wanted to talk about it. The last words he ever spoke to me were "there's always a problem with you."
I think one of the first silent treatments that month was because he wanted me to go paddle boarding and because of the stress of my dad's death, my legs weren't working properly. I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes at a time, let alone balance on a paddle board. So, he got mad at me and went without me. I was okay with him going, but he didn't confirm he was. He left for coffee and didn't return for the rest of the day.
Throughout the years, he'd pick a fight over anything to start the silent treatment.
Omg so much this. I relate to this so hard. Well, I haven't been tempted to reach out this time, but I have in the past and all I have to do is take 15 seconds to remind myself of all their fucking issues and then it's like - nah, I'm good 😂
Title edit: *when you realize this
I don’t think mine was a loser, I just realized she definitely has a few screws loose. Feels nice when the rose colored glasses come off and you finally knock them off the pedestal.
Mine was a PTSD ridden self-righteous narcissist who can't see through her bullshit who uses people to get her ends met. She likes getting away with things. And for multiple times she was close to being caught up with her bullshit. I was there to help her get out.
I think it’s okay to think they are losers for a bit. Sometimes it’s easier to move on, especially in the first few months, when you dramatize their negative parts. Eventually, if you are emotionally mature, you realize they aren’t necessarily losers but they just don’t excel in the areas that you want in a partner and therefore, they aren’t your person.
Yeah. It’s a lot harder at first when they’re not losers. Watching them with a sizable head start in life off the line hurt me a lot, especially when I was still struggling with trauma, alcoholism, and almost all of the stressful major events that one person could experience in a lifetime in just a few short months. Meanwhile, they were graduating from a prestigious musical performance school (something that I’m not sure would have happened without my assistance), scoring internships, and had all the space/support/opportunity to just focus on themselves. It felt like they got all the benefits of the relationship while I was left with all of the negative effects. To be concise, I felt used.
Later, it’s became a lot easier because they weren’t losers. They never relapsed in addiction and never fell into the same life situations that - for whatever masochistic reasons - made them attractive to me in the first place.
Now I’m not feeling any kind of guilt or perpetuation of the feelings surrounding an ended codependent relationship. They’re a successful musician and teacher. I’m a successful family man, data analyst, and business consultant. We occasionally speak as acquaintances, but I try to avoid anything more than topical quips about the weather or current events. Not exactly exemplary of no contact, but certainly as little contact as possible.
The only thing I can honestly say that I miss is listening to them practice. They were very talented and listening to them play was a pleasure and a privilege… but a Spotify subscription and decent headphones scratches that itch just fine. Hahaha.
You're trying to hide your bitterness with some type of "holier than thou" type of shroud.
This subreddit has its merits but good god, posts like this are extremely butthurt and shows your lack of inner work and inner self awareness.
I understand the hurt, obviously, but the person you were with was your best friend. Trying to bring them "down" is extremely petty.
She broke up with me mainly to go pursue her dreams of being an Instagram influencer. Idk how that's going but if she's built a large following for herself then I wouldn't call her a loser. She's a trash person though lol
Nah I’d call her a loser. Those people are like bags of air you get in your Amazon package. They give zero to society and end up polluting the world with garbage. The very fact that “influencer” is a job title and many try to pursue it is the most narc thing I’ve ever heard. They serve one purpose and then the second you put your phone down and immerse yourself in the beauty of the world/actual meaning you forget about them.
I wouldn’t even say she was the one that got away. She definitely had some flaws. But she was by no stretch of the imagination a “loser”. If anything I was the loser when she left me 😂
If you really feel like he’s the one that got away, wait it out (if you want, and not saying don’t try to find love or receive love but I knew whoever I was with it wasn’t the same). It’s been 7 years between my ex and I and we’ve been talking for almost 2 months now and come to find out we’ve both missed each other tremendously over the years. I live in FL and he lives in CO and we’re planning to meet after I submit my nursing application mid May 💓 the time away really sucks and we talked maybe 3 times over the 7 years. For me it never really got better and I knew he was the one that got away, never in my life did I think we would one day get back together. Keep your head up you got this!
Thank you 🥲💗 I’m afraid I already blew my second chance with him… we broke up for 5 months the first time and I reached out and we got back together but then I had a slip up and he deemed it too much for him:( I really hope he will come around one day.
We have a huge age gap (24 and 73 lol) so I’m still growing and learning every day. I’m a lot more mature now than I first met him so I hope he can see that one day. :’(
I was the loser, I took substances too far and did not listen when she asked me to stop. A different kind of pain, especially now that I have it under control 🫤
Its sounds more like you have chosen to vilify or slander people you dont know. Your ex isn't their ex. Your experiences with your suffering aren't the same as Impressive's
This was very validating to read.
Because same, he wasn’t a loser in the typical way. And that’s actually a lot harder than dealing with the stereotypical type of loser.
You’ll have to eventually come to the realization and actually believe that he couldn’t recognize true love when he had it. He doesn’t realize it now either, he will later. And maybe he did realize it, maybe he knew, he just wasn’t ready to take responsibility. By the time he wakes up, it’ll be too late. It still makes me sad because we could’ve been something great.
But when the ego gets in the way, nothing can stop it but it’s owner, when they WANT to. That takes lots of life experience, lessons and healing. Then it hits them. And they’ll miss you, but they’ll move on and give someone else what they were never able to give you. And that hurts even more.
I don’t feel bad for him. I feel bad for us. I also feel bad for myself, for being in this situation. But I also am learning to feel good about leaving. Ways to go, but better today than after years and resentment for time/energy wasted.
Oh dear when you love someone you love every bit of them, even if they are a loser you still love them a lot. But yeah, taking them off the pedestal is the first thing to do.
Is it though? Or are you projecting? Of course people are allowed to feel. Didn't say anything about that. But feeling spiteful cause you got dumped? Calling someone a loser cause they arent rich, popular, align with your values etc?! Come on now. Just admit you're hurt. Reading the comments I'm cringing by the imaturity and spitefulness toward their ex cause he/she dumped them. No one is a loser, really, they both losed. Except the one who moved on..
Please don't take your feelings towards your ex out on me. It ain't my fault. Hope you'll be able to move on soon, And I'm truly sorry you're going thtough this. I've been there and I understand.
Yea my ex ghosted me came back apologized and decided to give her a second chance then ghosted again. Turns out she had a girlfriend, but still wanted to talk like if we were in a relationship. She loves porn and is extremely perverted and is a horrible communicator.
I agree. My ex (25M) is utterly mediocre. He’s an average looking guy with an average job (company is great). I think his Dad got him the job though and he still has his Dad pay for a lot of things for him. He would never admit this not even to me but it was obvious. He has a credit card that his Dad pays off!!
He also spends his free time poorly. He watches sports non-stop, gambles, and goes to his college’s (its 3 hours away lol) football/basketball games. His Dad pays for season tickets so it’s EVERY football home game and a lot of the basketball ones. I enjoy sports but the amount he was watching them was ridiculous. It was like every game, every time they were on, not even just his favorite teams. There were times where he would have the game on at dinner.
To me, I just think theres more to life than watching other people play sports and succeed. I do enjoy sports and I will follow my favorite teams but I won’t choose that over all other opportunities. Time is so valuable. When he gets older, I hope he realizes that. It’s fun to do those things but he doesn’t make time to improve himself. He was constantly complaining about things and saying he wants to do ambitious things and then did nothing but sit on the couch.
You realize men enjoy watching sports as a hobby right...?
So you're shaming him for... Having a hobby and doing something he enjoys...?
You hope he realizes that you think his hobbies are a waste of time? Lol, lmao, even.
Theres a balance of things and priorities. Hobbies sometimes have to fall at the bottom of the list. Yeah, there are some days I want to just sit around and watch TV but I know my life would benefit more long-term by working out or staying later at work. It was the fact that he prioritized this hobby over me and our relationship more often than not and there was very little reciprocation compared to mine. If I could do whatever I wanted all the time, of course, I would do that. It’s just becoming an adult Lol.
Your life naturally will change when you add a partner into the mix because now you have to start considering them too. He wasn’t ready for his life to change in order to make room for a partner and just expected me to fall in line with his current lifestyle while losing all of mine.
Sorry to say this, from a guys persepctive, he seems to be independant in his behavior, and also to me seems to be living his best life. I'm sorry if this hurt. You 2 were just not for eachother, and he will find someone who accepts him for who he is. And hopefully you will too!
I agree that we arent right for each other which is why we are exes. He is not a loser for liking sports or supporting his college’s teams. That wasn’t what I was trying to say. This post is not about sports - thats just the example because thats what it was for him. This is about feeling like he put that over everything including me, his friends, and his career.
Yes, in the sense that they lost a good one due to their lack of self control and honesty. My life is peaceful knowing I'm going to find better, but I still hope that my absence motivates change in him because he has potential to be a winner for someone else.
Mine couldn’t get over her ex before me and was a hardcore alcoholic who wouldn’t seek treatment and would only hangout with her alcoholic friends, and everytime I tried to help I’d be the asshole and wouldnt get invited out anymore
Or when you realize they’re a self-serving narcissist who’s been covertly abusing you for years and finally have the rose-colored glasses removed and see them for who they actually are instead of who they presented themselves to be.
THIS
Around the time I decided I will truly stick with no contact, I watched the movie Possession from 1981. It was a coincidence that worked in my favor. I'm a practicing Pagan and had just done what's known as a cord cutting. A ritual severing of energies and spiritual ties between yourself and an unwanted party or thing. Just the power of the suggestion is quite potent, even if you have zero spiritual belief. Anyway, the film was created while the director was going thru a divorce and the film captures the horror of not only the disintegration of love but the realization of who they really are - someone that was never worth fighting for in the first place. Someone who tried to show and tell you who they were probably multiple times (in the film it's several times). But the we, the wronged party, just keep trying and trying. Sometimes you need to behold you have been grasping a piece of literal garbage like it's gold. Some people need to be left in the gutter where you found them. Yes, it's a brutal lesson. That's why it's a horror film. Your life becomes a nightmare. You cannot transform the nightmare with love. You can not love someone's inhumanity away. You can't love away contempt, disloyalty and dishonesty. Abuse. You can only sever yourself as best as you can, and run fast before you lose all your blood.
That's exactly what I was thinking about yesterday. Not to mention how much I cried and worried about him, who honestly doesn't deserve me at all.
Even now, when he should leave me alone, he won't.
Yeah I pity my ex to a point cause of her weird childhood. There was no excuse for the terrible way she treated me though. Now that I’ve had a month away from her, I still have feelings, but I realize she was 90% of the problem
It’s true. Being in NC will make you realize that they’re only special because you made them special in your head. He left because I’m triggering his ego and insecurities. ☹️
That's accurate! I used to think she was the most beautiful girl in the world, smart, articulate, always going to be down for me no matter what, always thought she was going to be there through thick and thin... I guess all it took for me to be yesterday's news was a busboy at a fucking chain Italian restaurant. Extreme loser. There's a reason I've not tried to contact her since the end of January.
On my 18th day NC and in the 15th I really got it, he was special just because I loved him and then I started to move on. Move on is also a choice, you have to choose to move on but people usually are so hurt they want to remain with the dumper, even if it is through unilateral pain, anger and sadness. You all need to let go of them. You all have love still to give, but not to this person, let go.
Sorry for y'all who were involved with good people. On the one hand, it is a bit embarrassing that. Ieven let myself get involved with someone like that. But it does make it easier to move on at least
Yep; she was one of the worst people I’ve been with; was on dating apps when I was lying in bed with her; told me she wasn’t over her boyfriend and then “don’t know what I want from you but I don’t want to lose you,” threatened suicide one time during a walk we had. Absolute nutcase. I wish the best for them, but screw em. I gave my heart to them and they trampled it; they made so many toxic decisions, was mentally abusive towards me. Avoidant attachment & BPD individuals you have to steer away from in the dating pool, although my ex was probably more NPD than BPD (diagnosed). Used me, then blocked me. For her I was a rebound; for me she was special. Getting over her is realizing how bad she treated me, and realizing I should’ve seen her red flags and listened to my friends advice. All her flags looked normal when I wore rose colored glasses.
This is a recurrent topic. There are no "winners" nor "losers", in absolute.
You both are "winners" and you both are "losers", depending on several points of view.
Whenever one says 'loser" or "winner" I think of person immaturity.
Relationships serve the purpose of people knowing each others characteristics, in order to measure their compatibility, eventually marriage.
Relationships are similar to a continuous job interview. One should seek for the most "competent" (compatible) person to the job (not only for the blowjob :) you pervs!)
Half serious, half playful, a sound relationship should be.
No contact really is just hiding instead of just being mature tho isn't it. Avoiding any accountability or dealing with conflict in a mature way...
P.s. I understand there is times where no contact is necessary.... But most of the time on here it's 'ghosting' and/or some form of abuse.
A lot of us are here because no contact was forced on *us* by someone avoiding conflict, and this sub is helping us cope.
I personally am struggling with the...need? obsession? constantly intruding thoughts? to reach out and reconcile with me ex. But since my ex does not want to talk to me, posts like this help to keep me from embarrassing myself any more than I already have.
I understand there is times where no contact is necessary....
Especially if physical harm is possible (of course not limited to just that either)
But most of the time on here it's 'ghosting' and/or some form of abuse. It's mostly people not able to maturely end a relationship. A lot are people just not able to admit they're not mature enough to maintain a relationship. A lot are people that have already stepped outside the relationship.
Don't be so naive...
In my case 100000% true
The toxic ex that I dropped mid January was a complete loser
Only 3 months from his aunt uncle introduced us until I kicked him to the curb
But pity it did take me a month of visiting him in his home country to learn the magnitude and severity of his loser ways
Had I shook him earlier I might second guess myself. But after spending a month with him, I have no regrets besides, thinking "ugh should have listened to my gut instincts earlier and not gone to Germany"
So that's more what I wrestle with than anything else
Iv been self reflecting to seek more understanding of myself and why I did not have firmer stronger boundaries
You are definitely correct they are cowards and a cower. I've always asked the difficult questions from day one when I met them I told him at any point in time you want to date someone else please feel free to, but please be kind enough and considered enough of my feelings consideration respect go a long way I told him my first met him the type of relationship I was seeking he was on track you at our relationship always ask are you sleep with anyone else because my brother told me never ever assume always ask and that way you're giving them the opportunity to be honest I didn't think the person was cheating I did not catch him with their pants now but you know how the calls aren't coming at the same time etc but it come to find out he's been the biggest pretend to ever and you know what I told him instead of working on yourself and evolving and growing while the many times we had gotten laid off and getting new and gain new skill set skill set equals money you set their bed hopping and I said you will never ever be a contender because I had no idea that you never loved yourself enough so instead of you working on yourself you were hanging out with the devil because people that care about you they're going to make sure that you stay on point you stay focused even though you might fall off they're going to get you back but you too busy that hopping and as I told him prior also when we broke up if I had some time on my hands I would take you to court for intent to harm I said just like someone that has AIDS or gonorrhea you sleeping around here but not wearing a condom are you crazy are you kidding me and I told her if I come up and get HPV and I get uterus cancer I'm going to sue him because at any point in time you want to date someone else other than me I told you to inform me I am not no sloppy seconds I do not have to settle for less and I don't believe in sharing not someone I'm dating or planning a future with but I do applaud him cuz he was a great actor maybe she went to acting but I told him would this behavior nothing good is ever going to happen and then he would say he was God's son oh I'm going to the mountaintop to talk to God I kid you not I said you don't make a mockery out of God but clearly he did, so we had broken up for like a year and not talk to him or whatever cuz he wasn't being transparent then he calls me bites you back in his life and you know he's on probation don't sleep with him you know just have totally a platonic relationship and he still coming back with lies I said bye I told him it's over don't even bother always his birthday weekend when I did this and then he had the nerve to come back when he got back from his birthday weekend after he lied of course right he's like I'm dismissing you for life and I said and I tried to help you finish graduate school go to cyber security get your real estate license and then he what do you do he start this other business because we both have been laid all off like three times the economy in 2000 has been horrible I kid you not but I tried to work with this man but you know what that's why I said he didn't love himself cuz he wouldn't even take time out of his life to work on himself
I just cackled! Been thinking of reaching out again to the ghoster, but why? He’s a loser. Emotionally unavailable and a poor communicator. That’s not what I want. He did me a favor by removing himself. That’s what I need to remember.
Am I the only one that thinks ghosting and silent treatment is a form of abuse? I always told myself, as a guy, I’d never be in an abusive relationship until I met my ghosty ex
No, you’re not! It is cruel and selfish. People who ghost and do the silent treatment are either incapable of having grown-ass conversations or cowards. Probably both. My guy ghosted me twice after telling me he loved me.
It’s a total narcissist move, some may not realize it, but they do it so it will likely make you jump should they decide they need to use you for supply or anything for that matter. Newish Relationships (under 2-3 years) are almost always between the loved and the loving. It is rarely between 2 people who love each other equally. That’s why they take work and compromise. At any giving time the roles can switch. That being said someone who’s ghosted you already knew that hitting you with the shock of losing them would make you care even more. For them it’s win win. No need to deal with the headache if they decided they don’t need you and you will be more into them if they come back within a reasonable mount of time Edited: for spelling, sentence structure, and accidentally sending before my thought was finished
My ex, who Im starting to believe is a narcissist, not long before she dumped me, 6 to 1 year prior I think, told me something like “maybe we need time away to see if you have interest on me/do something about it” then when she dumped me she said she did’t believe in taking a break.
All people have can have a narcissistic trait or 2 but not all people are actual narcissists. So it’s hard to say. Pretty much any petty and selfish act can make them seem a narcissist. From my experience my ex did what they call love bombing. She acted like I was perfect at first everything about me was great. Tbh if I was younger it would have pushed me away. Then after building you up, in their mind they devalue you. Could be any little thing but once that happens they will flip and they will treat you like trash and not hide the fact that they think you’re valueless.
Gas lighting is also a key staple of control used by most narcissists. Once devalued you exist to as supply to make them feel loved when they want it and to be dumped on when they feel low. They will cheat with you on the phone or in the car in front of the house and tell you, your fucking crazy if you call them on their shit, wouldn’t matter if you had pictures they would find a way to twist it about you being crazy and them never doing wrong. Because they are smarter than you and you won’t leave. Or at least that’s what they believe.
Ummmm same! But more than twice and I'm dumb enough to respond when he reaches out again.
It is a form of abuse. Look up “stonewalling.”
Damn i was sure i cant be attracted to someone who doesn't wanna try for me. Guess its fucked: and its different, once you had them. I've got my candy, candy turned out to be a licorice. Why do I still want that?
I read an article once that getting the silent treatment is as painful to the body, if not more, than getting physically hit. It is absolutely abuse. My ex-husband used to use the silent treatment all the time. The last one lasted six months and ended with me filing for divorce.
Holy shit a 6 month silent treatment living together?! Over what?! I thought MY ex was bad with one month of no speaking geeze!
I'm sorry you went through a month of it. No one should have to experience it at all. Yep, in a one bedroom apartment... My dad passed away in July of that year. Between July and August, my ex husband had given me the silent treatment three times. The final one being 6 months because I wanted to see how long it would last if I didn't "fix" it. It's been 6 years since this happened, but I'm pretty sure the last one was because I wanted to talk about how he had made plans five weekends in a row that didn't include me and weren't communicated with me. He was living like he was single and I wanted to talk about it. The last words he ever spoke to me were "there's always a problem with you." I think one of the first silent treatments that month was because he wanted me to go paddle boarding and because of the stress of my dad's death, my legs weren't working properly. I couldn't stand for more than 10 minutes at a time, let alone balance on a paddle board. So, he got mad at me and went without me. I was okay with him going, but he didn't confirm he was. He left for coffee and didn't return for the rest of the day. Throughout the years, he'd pick a fight over anything to start the silent treatment.
Omg so much this. I relate to this so hard. Well, I haven't been tempted to reach out this time, but I have in the past and all I have to do is take 15 seconds to remind myself of all their fucking issues and then it's like - nah, I'm good 😂
I lived with a poor communicator … they will drive you wild with the lack of communication .. don’t do it
Nope.
Once more for the losers in the back!
I was thinking this yesterday. His only hobby was porn and strippers, dude was weird.
And you’d be the loser if you settled for that. Congrats for getting away and on your way to better days.
> And you’d be the loser if you settled for that. Damn. I’ll be thinking about this for a minute.
I appreciate that, thank you 💕
Title edit: *when you realize this I don’t think mine was a loser, I just realized she definitely has a few screws loose. Feels nice when the rose colored glasses come off and you finally knock them off the pedestal.
Mine was a PTSD ridden self-righteous narcissist who can't see through her bullshit who uses people to get her ends met. She likes getting away with things. And for multiple times she was close to being caught up with her bullshit. I was there to help her get out.
I think it’s okay to think they are losers for a bit. Sometimes it’s easier to move on, especially in the first few months, when you dramatize their negative parts. Eventually, if you are emotionally mature, you realize they aren’t necessarily losers but they just don’t excel in the areas that you want in a partner and therefore, they aren’t your person.
Not a loser but has loose screws? So a …looser?
🤣
Yeah. It’s a lot harder at first when they’re not losers. Watching them with a sizable head start in life off the line hurt me a lot, especially when I was still struggling with trauma, alcoholism, and almost all of the stressful major events that one person could experience in a lifetime in just a few short months. Meanwhile, they were graduating from a prestigious musical performance school (something that I’m not sure would have happened without my assistance), scoring internships, and had all the space/support/opportunity to just focus on themselves. It felt like they got all the benefits of the relationship while I was left with all of the negative effects. To be concise, I felt used. Later, it’s became a lot easier because they weren’t losers. They never relapsed in addiction and never fell into the same life situations that - for whatever masochistic reasons - made them attractive to me in the first place. Now I’m not feeling any kind of guilt or perpetuation of the feelings surrounding an ended codependent relationship. They’re a successful musician and teacher. I’m a successful family man, data analyst, and business consultant. We occasionally speak as acquaintances, but I try to avoid anything more than topical quips about the weather or current events. Not exactly exemplary of no contact, but certainly as little contact as possible. The only thing I can honestly say that I miss is listening to them practice. They were very talented and listening to them play was a pleasure and a privilege… but a Spotify subscription and decent headphones scratches that itch just fine. Hahaha.
Thankyou well said I feel similarly
You're trying to hide your bitterness with some type of "holier than thou" type of shroud. This subreddit has its merits but good god, posts like this are extremely butthurt and shows your lack of inner work and inner self awareness. I understand the hurt, obviously, but the person you were with was your best friend. Trying to bring them "down" is extremely petty.
I was in a situationship.
She broke up with me mainly to go pursue her dreams of being an Instagram influencer. Idk how that's going but if she's built a large following for herself then I wouldn't call her a loser. She's a trash person though lol
Nah I’d call her a loser. Those people are like bags of air you get in your Amazon package. They give zero to society and end up polluting the world with garbage. The very fact that “influencer” is a job title and many try to pursue it is the most narc thing I’ve ever heard. They serve one purpose and then the second you put your phone down and immerse yourself in the beauty of the world/actual meaning you forget about them.
Imagine breaking up with someone for Instagram clout
What if they were genuinely not a loser?
I feel you. Mine isn’t at all:( he will always be the one that got away for me
I wouldn’t even say she was the one that got away. She definitely had some flaws. But she was by no stretch of the imagination a “loser”. If anything I was the loser when she left me 😂
How long has it been between the breakup?
October!
If you really feel like he’s the one that got away, wait it out (if you want, and not saying don’t try to find love or receive love but I knew whoever I was with it wasn’t the same). It’s been 7 years between my ex and I and we’ve been talking for almost 2 months now and come to find out we’ve both missed each other tremendously over the years. I live in FL and he lives in CO and we’re planning to meet after I submit my nursing application mid May 💓 the time away really sucks and we talked maybe 3 times over the 7 years. For me it never really got better and I knew he was the one that got away, never in my life did I think we would one day get back together. Keep your head up you got this!
Thank you 🥲💗 I’m afraid I already blew my second chance with him… we broke up for 5 months the first time and I reached out and we got back together but then I had a slip up and he deemed it too much for him:( I really hope he will come around one day. We have a huge age gap (24 and 73 lol) so I’m still growing and learning every day. I’m a lot more mature now than I first met him so I hope he can see that one day. :’(
I'm sorry to be this person. But what could you possibly have done to upset a 73 year old man about lol
😹😹 valid!!
You should probably try not to date married men.
WAT
..are they with you anymore? There are two options.. Either you are the loser, or they are..
I was the loser, I took substances too far and did not listen when she asked me to stop. A different kind of pain, especially now that I have it under control 🫤
Ah that sucks It's a shame, but hopefully it will give you strength to push forward out of your addiction in the future
Yes I have been making good progress!
Then your rose colored glass are still on and you can’t see their flaws. There must be stuff wrong with them.
Its sounds more like you have chosen to vilify or slander people you dont know. Your ex isn't their ex. Your experiences with your suffering aren't the same as Impressive's
Mine was a mental , so yeah I agree...............!
So this must be what he thought of me
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This was very validating to read. Because same, he wasn’t a loser in the typical way. And that’s actually a lot harder than dealing with the stereotypical type of loser. You’ll have to eventually come to the realization and actually believe that he couldn’t recognize true love when he had it. He doesn’t realize it now either, he will later. And maybe he did realize it, maybe he knew, he just wasn’t ready to take responsibility. By the time he wakes up, it’ll be too late. It still makes me sad because we could’ve been something great. But when the ego gets in the way, nothing can stop it but it’s owner, when they WANT to. That takes lots of life experience, lessons and healing. Then it hits them. And they’ll miss you, but they’ll move on and give someone else what they were never able to give you. And that hurts even more. I don’t feel bad for him. I feel bad for us. I also feel bad for myself, for being in this situation. But I also am learning to feel good about leaving. Ways to go, but better today than after years and resentment for time/energy wasted.
Sorry, but if you are here after a whole decade still talking about him, perhaps he did the right choice in leaving you? This doesn't seem healthy.
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I read it as y'all broke up a decade ago. Chill.
Oh dear when you love someone you love every bit of them, even if they are a loser you still love them a lot. But yeah, taking them off the pedestal is the first thing to do.
I would’ve cut my limbs off to have him break contact back in the day. Now I’m the one ignoring him😂😂😂
Mine wasn’t. We just wanted different things and our goals didn’t align. That’s what makes it so hard.
The only mature answer in this thread that doesn't seem like he/she hurtin. Good for you, and you'll find the right one for sure.
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Is it though? Or are you projecting? Of course people are allowed to feel. Didn't say anything about that. But feeling spiteful cause you got dumped? Calling someone a loser cause they arent rich, popular, align with your values etc?! Come on now. Just admit you're hurt. Reading the comments I'm cringing by the imaturity and spitefulness toward their ex cause he/she dumped them. No one is a loser, really, they both losed. Except the one who moved on..
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Please don't take your feelings towards your ex out on me. It ain't my fault. Hope you'll be able to move on soon, And I'm truly sorry you're going thtough this. I've been there and I understand.
Yea my ex ghosted me came back apologized and decided to give her a second chance then ghosted again. Turns out she had a girlfriend, but still wanted to talk like if we were in a relationship. She loves porn and is extremely perverted and is a horrible communicator.
I agree. My ex (25M) is utterly mediocre. He’s an average looking guy with an average job (company is great). I think his Dad got him the job though and he still has his Dad pay for a lot of things for him. He would never admit this not even to me but it was obvious. He has a credit card that his Dad pays off!! He also spends his free time poorly. He watches sports non-stop, gambles, and goes to his college’s (its 3 hours away lol) football/basketball games. His Dad pays for season tickets so it’s EVERY football home game and a lot of the basketball ones. I enjoy sports but the amount he was watching them was ridiculous. It was like every game, every time they were on, not even just his favorite teams. There were times where he would have the game on at dinner. To me, I just think theres more to life than watching other people play sports and succeed. I do enjoy sports and I will follow my favorite teams but I won’t choose that over all other opportunities. Time is so valuable. When he gets older, I hope he realizes that. It’s fun to do those things but he doesn’t make time to improve himself. He was constantly complaining about things and saying he wants to do ambitious things and then did nothing but sit on the couch.
Haha yeah, I’m not trying to watch a bunch of millionaires throw a ball to each other for hours.
You realize men enjoy watching sports as a hobby right...? So you're shaming him for... Having a hobby and doing something he enjoys...? You hope he realizes that you think his hobbies are a waste of time? Lol, lmao, even.
Theres a balance of things and priorities. Hobbies sometimes have to fall at the bottom of the list. Yeah, there are some days I want to just sit around and watch TV but I know my life would benefit more long-term by working out or staying later at work. It was the fact that he prioritized this hobby over me and our relationship more often than not and there was very little reciprocation compared to mine. If I could do whatever I wanted all the time, of course, I would do that. It’s just becoming an adult Lol. Your life naturally will change when you add a partner into the mix because now you have to start considering them too. He wasn’t ready for his life to change in order to make room for a partner and just expected me to fall in line with his current lifestyle while losing all of mine.
I love watching sports and I also see it as a hobby I need to limit. It’s just pure consumption.
Sorry to say this, from a guys persepctive, he seems to be independant in his behavior, and also to me seems to be living his best life. I'm sorry if this hurt. You 2 were just not for eachother, and he will find someone who accepts him for who he is. And hopefully you will too!
I agree that we arent right for each other which is why we are exes. He is not a loser for liking sports or supporting his college’s teams. That wasn’t what I was trying to say. This post is not about sports - thats just the example because thats what it was for him. This is about feeling like he put that over everything including me, his friends, and his career.
Yes, in the sense that they lost a good one due to their lack of self control and honesty. My life is peaceful knowing I'm going to find better, but I still hope that my absence motivates change in him because he has potential to be a winner for someone else.
He wasn’t we just didn’t align.
Mine couldn’t get over her ex before me and was a hardcore alcoholic who wouldn’t seek treatment and would only hangout with her alcoholic friends, and everytime I tried to help I’d be the asshole and wouldnt get invited out anymore
🤣🤣🤣
Mine was addicted to text random dudes and have sex with them
Yikes
…it is easier when we make them the villain; however I’m still struggling with that in some regards
I don't hate my ex enough to actually think she's a loser. I think she's just a confused woman inexperienced in love, but definitely not a loser.
Yep. Unfaithful, immature, avoidant, scared, impulsive but so damn pretty. My mind playing tricks on me sometimes. Gotta stay focused.
Or when you realize they’re a self-serving narcissist who’s been covertly abusing you for years and finally have the rose-colored glasses removed and see them for who they actually are instead of who they presented themselves to be.
THIS Around the time I decided I will truly stick with no contact, I watched the movie Possession from 1981. It was a coincidence that worked in my favor. I'm a practicing Pagan and had just done what's known as a cord cutting. A ritual severing of energies and spiritual ties between yourself and an unwanted party or thing. Just the power of the suggestion is quite potent, even if you have zero spiritual belief. Anyway, the film was created while the director was going thru a divorce and the film captures the horror of not only the disintegration of love but the realization of who they really are - someone that was never worth fighting for in the first place. Someone who tried to show and tell you who they were probably multiple times (in the film it's several times). But the we, the wronged party, just keep trying and trying. Sometimes you need to behold you have been grasping a piece of literal garbage like it's gold. Some people need to be left in the gutter where you found them. Yes, it's a brutal lesson. That's why it's a horror film. Your life becomes a nightmare. You cannot transform the nightmare with love. You can not love someone's inhumanity away. You can't love away contempt, disloyalty and dishonesty. Abuse. You can only sever yourself as best as you can, and run fast before you lose all your blood.
Her friends are fucking losers yet she listens to them 🤣 guess that makes her one, too? 🤣
You are what you hang with
I realized after seeing the things she did post breakup. Actually immature and sad.
THIS
If only he was. But I am still surprisingly over it to be honest. Maybe the older you get the less offended you are at being dumped 😂
Fact
THISSSSS!!!
Yes!
That's exactly what I was thinking about yesterday. Not to mention how much I cried and worried about him, who honestly doesn't deserve me at all. Even now, when he should leave me alone, he won't.
Very true, NC for 8 months now and it was never difficult. I guess it was because of how toxic the relationship was
Yeah I pity my ex to a point cause of her weird childhood. There was no excuse for the terrible way she treated me though. Now that I’ve had a month away from her, I still have feelings, but I realize she was 90% of the problem
It’s true. Being in NC will make you realize that they’re only special because you made them special in your head. He left because I’m triggering his ego and insecurities. ☹️
SO 👏🏻 FUCKING 👏🏻 TRUE 👏🏻 😂😂
That's accurate! I used to think she was the most beautiful girl in the world, smart, articulate, always going to be down for me no matter what, always thought she was going to be there through thick and thin... I guess all it took for me to be yesterday's news was a busboy at a fucking chain Italian restaurant. Extreme loser. There's a reason I've not tried to contact her since the end of January.
Yesssss 👏
On my 18th day NC and in the 15th I really got it, he was special just because I loved him and then I started to move on. Move on is also a choice, you have to choose to move on but people usually are so hurt they want to remain with the dumper, even if it is through unilateral pain, anger and sadness. You all need to let go of them. You all have love still to give, but not to this person, let go.
he’s not a loser tho😪 he was amazing and i messed it up but oh well
this would be great if she was a loser but unfortunately she is the most beautiful, smart, ambitious and caring person i know
Sorry for y'all who were involved with good people. On the one hand, it is a bit embarrassing that. Ieven let myself get involved with someone like that. But it does make it easier to move on at least
Not always the case tbh
Every one who doesn’t like me is a loser
After 8 years She dumped me, then after 1-2 weeks I started no contact…. But what if I’m actually who was wrong/I’m the loser ?
Yep; she was one of the worst people I’ve been with; was on dating apps when I was lying in bed with her; told me she wasn’t over her boyfriend and then “don’t know what I want from you but I don’t want to lose you,” threatened suicide one time during a walk we had. Absolute nutcase. I wish the best for them, but screw em. I gave my heart to them and they trampled it; they made so many toxic decisions, was mentally abusive towards me. Avoidant attachment & BPD individuals you have to steer away from in the dating pool, although my ex was probably more NPD than BPD (diagnosed). Used me, then blocked me. For her I was a rebound; for me she was special. Getting over her is realizing how bad she treated me, and realizing I should’ve seen her red flags and listened to my friends advice. All her flags looked normal when I wore rose colored glasses.
💯
Unless you was cheated on and didn’t realize what happened 3 months later then you realize you were a loser in the game
i cackled. so loud. 😭😭
This is a recurrent topic. There are no "winners" nor "losers", in absolute. You both are "winners" and you both are "losers", depending on several points of view. Whenever one says 'loser" or "winner" I think of person immaturity. Relationships serve the purpose of people knowing each others characteristics, in order to measure their compatibility, eventually marriage. Relationships are similar to a continuous job interview. One should seek for the most "competent" (compatible) person to the job (not only for the blowjob :) you pervs!) Half serious, half playful, a sound relationship should be.
Factual, especially when they adopt your personality traits and then run off and try and pretend your worthless lol
She was actually a well known asshole and people loved her for it. A narcissist loved by many is hard to visualize as a loser
real lmao i put him on a pedestal
No contact really is just hiding instead of just being mature tho isn't it. Avoiding any accountability or dealing with conflict in a mature way... P.s. I understand there is times where no contact is necessary.... But most of the time on here it's 'ghosting' and/or some form of abuse.
A lot of us are here because no contact was forced on *us* by someone avoiding conflict, and this sub is helping us cope. I personally am struggling with the...need? obsession? constantly intruding thoughts? to reach out and reconcile with me ex. But since my ex does not want to talk to me, posts like this help to keep me from embarrassing myself any more than I already have.
This... Thank you
Wut? No. Lol then why are you even here?
To promote the situations it's necessary, to call out the times it's not. I guess.
It's not hiding, it's breaking a cycle to avoid being sucked back in to only get treated like trash again
Hiding ? Lol don’t be naive - Being aware of evil and avoiding it is not the same as hiding .
I understand there is times where no contact is necessary.... Especially if physical harm is possible (of course not limited to just that either) But most of the time on here it's 'ghosting' and/or some form of abuse. It's mostly people not able to maturely end a relationship. A lot are people just not able to admit they're not mature enough to maintain a relationship. A lot are people that have already stepped outside the relationship. Don't be so naive...
nailed it !
We have to heal in order to see this.
Not true. You will start seeing their flaws before you heal. I’m proof. I definitely haven’t healed and I’m starting to see this.
Same.
In my case 100000% true The toxic ex that I dropped mid January was a complete loser Only 3 months from his aunt uncle introduced us until I kicked him to the curb But pity it did take me a month of visiting him in his home country to learn the magnitude and severity of his loser ways Had I shook him earlier I might second guess myself. But after spending a month with him, I have no regrets besides, thinking "ugh should have listened to my gut instincts earlier and not gone to Germany" So that's more what I wrestle with than anything else Iv been self reflecting to seek more understanding of myself and why I did not have firmer stronger boundaries
Yeah I agree
Yeah but until you do …
Yeah, at least I can laugh at myself for it though 🤣
So true
No contact is being a chicken and childish
Not whenever you notice your also a loser
Every one who doesn’t like me is a loser
You are definitely correct they are cowards and a cower. I've always asked the difficult questions from day one when I met them I told him at any point in time you want to date someone else please feel free to, but please be kind enough and considered enough of my feelings consideration respect go a long way I told him my first met him the type of relationship I was seeking he was on track you at our relationship always ask are you sleep with anyone else because my brother told me never ever assume always ask and that way you're giving them the opportunity to be honest I didn't think the person was cheating I did not catch him with their pants now but you know how the calls aren't coming at the same time etc but it come to find out he's been the biggest pretend to ever and you know what I told him instead of working on yourself and evolving and growing while the many times we had gotten laid off and getting new and gain new skill set skill set equals money you set their bed hopping and I said you will never ever be a contender because I had no idea that you never loved yourself enough so instead of you working on yourself you were hanging out with the devil because people that care about you they're going to make sure that you stay on point you stay focused even though you might fall off they're going to get you back but you too busy that hopping and as I told him prior also when we broke up if I had some time on my hands I would take you to court for intent to harm I said just like someone that has AIDS or gonorrhea you sleeping around here but not wearing a condom are you crazy are you kidding me and I told her if I come up and get HPV and I get uterus cancer I'm going to sue him because at any point in time you want to date someone else other than me I told you to inform me I am not no sloppy seconds I do not have to settle for less and I don't believe in sharing not someone I'm dating or planning a future with but I do applaud him cuz he was a great actor maybe she went to acting but I told him would this behavior nothing good is ever going to happen and then he would say he was God's son oh I'm going to the mountaintop to talk to God I kid you not I said you don't make a mockery out of God but clearly he did, so we had broken up for like a year and not talk to him or whatever cuz he wasn't being transparent then he calls me bites you back in his life and you know he's on probation don't sleep with him you know just have totally a platonic relationship and he still coming back with lies I said bye I told him it's over don't even bother always his birthday weekend when I did this and then he had the nerve to come back when he got back from his birthday weekend after he lied of course right he's like I'm dismissing you for life and I said and I tried to help you finish graduate school go to cyber security get your real estate license and then he what do you do he start this other business because we both have been laid all off like three times the economy in 2000 has been horrible I kid you not but I tried to work with this man but you know what that's why I said he didn't love himself cuz he wouldn't even take time out of his life to work on himself
Cant turn a HOE into a housewife!!