I only went back once, after nc for 4 months and completely relate to this! It was the reunion that made me think fuck that, the 4 months of no contact id constantly romanticise and rejected loads of genuinely nice blokes thinking that I already had the greenest grass.
Back in no contact now, but because I don’t want him back, not because I’m waiting for him to come back.
I kept trying to get my ex back a while ago and kept trying to contact her and send flowers and text her and she just wouldn't say anything other than leave me alone. Eventually it got to a point where I was like what am I doing, this is so pathetic and I stopped so in that sense it's effective but I'm not gonna do it again and I wouldn't recommend doing it to heal.
That sounds exactly like what I’ve tried to do with my ex GF. I would’ve given her the world we were on no contact since February 2023. I was told that everything was gonna be OK if I just got my life in order and she would do the same and we would revisit Each other when we were doing better. I’ve heard a lot of different stories or actually, I’ve read a lot of different stories on this website our situation and it seems that there’s no chance in hell that we will ever get back together because all her friends on this website have heard her side of our story and that makes for biased situation. You know that once your friends hear that you have been treated in properly, they take the side of their friend and nothing can be done because the other person has already been shut out. So I’m sure my girlfriend doesn’t want to go through the stress of explaining to them that she’s back with the guy that treated her so improperly. I’m in hell. I don’t know what to do so I’ll just wait like I always have been. I want her back as my best friend.
This actually helped me stop romanticizing him. He was the one that initiated no contact but we started talking again after 7 months and I noticed so many things that made me grateful we aren’t together anymore.
We were, he blocked me today though 😅 for some reason he’ll block me like every 3 months usually when we talk about meeting up
But yeah we’d sometimes talk like normal throughout the day or we’d just send a message if something reminded us of each other. It was nice but also kind of a tease if that makes sense lol
Haha wow, yeah I’d love that, until you actually wanted something. Then it would definitely become a tease 😂. Well, I hope you get unblocked again for the next season ha.
Maybe just straightforward no contact is more peaceful and predictable after all.
Exactly 😂 like it was nice until I started feeling things again, even just platonically lol.
And thank you, it’s kinda funny because I blocked him earlier today and it was the first time I’ve initiated it but I wanted to say goodbye and that’s how I realized I was blocked lol.
So I agree that straightforward no contact is probably best
They said you keep forgiving until you unlove them.....
This happened to me too. Kept letting him pull me back until he became completely repulsive. You keep breaking a heart, you'll eventually ruin the love a person once had for you.
Agree!! I was told NC is the only way but I think there is truth to this- I went No contact for 10 months, went back to contact and we talked for 2 months before i realized he really didn't change and the nice things in the "beginning" were just love bombing etc bc even in the short 2 months he once again revealed his true colors- so I agree, sometimes, breaking it until you really learn AND ACCEPT they are just not going to change and don't have capacity to change or be the person you deserve.
Yes! You start to realize the person you were in love with wasn’t who they really were. I kept on holding onto things in the beginning because he was sooo good to me and thought I could get that back. Turns out it was all a facade.
exactly!! Even when I broke NC he gave me glimpses of who he was in the beginning and was full of apology and care and etc, it lasted maybe 2 weeks, that was all he could muster to keep the illusion before his real self poked through. A tough lesson and took me years to learn if I am being truthful, but if I didn't break NC I'd still be romanticizing or wondering what was wrong with me etc, but I feel more at peace now, even tho I really feel alot of regret about the time wasted, but can't dwell there.
Same here, love bombing is a disgusting act. He almost begged me to be a boyfriend in 2 weeks, but I chose to wait and he waited along because he already knew I was falling for it. I opened up too soon and showed vulnerability for him to feed on.
Yes the worst is the time wasted. But I found for me there were important lessons about why I got so attached. Sometimes these lessons take time to take hold.
It helped me too! made me realize who the person in front of me really was and I finally realized that’s not the kind of person I would want to be with anyways 🤷🏼♀️
Mind if I ask who initiated the breakup? My gf also broke up with me but still contacts me when she wants to. Wants to stay friends and is reluctant whether to trust me again. (Broke up with me bc of my constant drinking) Im sober 4months now and she's telling me how much Ive changed after the breakup(in a good way) but she isnt sure yet. We've been in contact on and off. I told her to contact me only when she is sure if she wants to try again but Idk if i should contact her first bc I'm so impatient rn
For me I had gotten to the point where enough is enough. You can only take so much disrespect and actual pain where I was like wow I’m done trying, he isn’t gonna change and it had taken everything out of me. Doing this also made me stop thinking of the what ifs when we were on and off because he was always that same person. I eventually went no contact and of course I miss and love him, but not in a way where I would return to it. I definitely had some resentment when it first ended, but now it’s more of a I’m better off thing.
exactly how I feel. I love him to death and wish him well. but the disrespect completely pushed me to a point where I thought this man does not value or respect me at all. And I don’t want that in a partner.
Yup same. When we tried again the last time, I had to tell him I couldn’t look past all of the painful things he had done to me because i finally grasped the concept that a partner who really cared for/loved me would have never treated me that way at all.
Yeah, I’ve had to do this before. I was literally obsessive and the only way I could get it out of my system is to have direct evidence of how much he hated me and didn’t give a shit. Once I finally had enough I had enough. Of course your dignity is gone but eh, sometimes that’s the only way instead of pontificating on “what if” for years and never getting over it.
It was her reaching out indirectly (posting about me / leaving messages in group chats) that pissed me off. The breadcrumbing drove me crazy. Even 3 years later I’m still anxious to be messaged or something like that because of it, and now I resent her
I did this with some of my situationships but I couldn’t in my last relationship, this just made me lose respect for myself and hurt a lot more. Instead, I am trying to make a list of the reasons (with proofs and moments) I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I tend to romanticize us very often but with the list (and album) I can vividly remember and feel the hurt of some specific moment that I never wanna live again.
Can you explain what a situationship is? Is it just sexual? My ex keeps posting stuff about a situationship so I’m not sure if that means she’s with someone else or if she’s posting that to trigger me. I don’t care what she does or who she does it with but I do like to try and untangle her web of thoughts from time to time. If she has a situationship then I am not sure why she keeps emailing me asking to start over.
Of course I’d explain. Basically I think the definition changes from person to person, for some people it can be sexual, for some it’s not. It’s basically an unnamed relationship. When everything between you with a person is like you’re in a relationship but no one named it. Mine were not sexual, they were emotional, flirting and talking deeply about some stuff and talking about future relationship but without actually being a gf/bf. It’s like a very prolonged talking stage maybe? (For some people it can be sexual but it’s not necessarily one).
I hope I could explain
Yes this helped. I honestly think my ex is prob flirting with others, she very much needs a lot of attention. I also think she knows I look at her reposts and will say you can just watch my social media. I do peek from time to time bc I do worry about her. She always tells me she wants to die. Sometimes I think maybe I can gauge her mood by her reposts but I am sure I’m wrong. She doesn’t even know what she wants or needs herself. She enjoys trying to trigger me into contacting her. I don’t fall for it. She’s free to flirt or get into a new relationship any time she wants. I feel like that may be the only time she leaves me be. She emails me asking to start again but I’ve not heard from her in two weeks so I guess a situationship is quite possible in those two weeks. Who knows. I need to just not worry about her. She’s an adult. Thanks for explaining!
Situationship: You two are more involved that would be commonly regarded as friends, and certain expectations have been established accordingly. Yet, one or both of you resist, for whatever reason, calling it a relationship.
Some would call if friends with benefits.
This is smart. I used to tell myself things about my ex ex that I disliked because honestly towards the end there was a voice in my head that said break up with him. I think we all get that voice and deny it and they break up with us. But anyway. My list was doesn’t love my kids (I genuinely thought he did, he knew my kids before we dated), complains about his commute (grow up, he agrees to move in the first place), isn’t as…endowed as I would prefer (I loved him anyway but while we are being truthful), snobby towards less fortunate, didn’t know dolphins are mammals, is a dog person (I’m a cat person), relies too much on his mommy and daddy to save him, etc. it seriously helped me not miss him anymore and now it’s a joke how much I did
This is actually a post I agree with. Mine treats me with so much disrespect. And I try to justify it because I know I hurt him and right now, maybe I deserve it. But I love him and when the relationship was good, he treated me so well.
I cannot seem to stick to nc for the life of me. Every few days, I get weak and text him, only to either be ignored or get a response that I don’t want. But he drunk texted me last weekend and I ended up going to his place. it gave me hope that he still cares and maybe we can reconcile.
If he gives me the chance, I’m gonna go back. And I’m going to deal with the disrespect. And he’ll either change when we’re in a good place again, or I’ll learn the hard way and let it destroy me until I truthfully WANT to walk away.
Mind if I ask who initiated the breakup? My gf also broke up with me but still contacts me when she wants to. Wants to stay friends and is reluctant whether to trust me again. (Broke up with me be of my constant drinking) Im sober 4months now and she's telling me how much Ive changed after the breakup(in a good way) but she isnt sure yet. We've been in contact on and off. I told her to contact me only when she is sure if she wants to try again but Idk if i should contact her first bc l'm so impatient rn
Mine broke up with me 6 weeks ago because I lied and broke his trust. I’ve broken nc so many times and he either ignores me, or is extremely mean and disrespectful.
However, he is being receptive to me to some extent. He just still has his guard up. Because of this, I have so much hope that we can reconcile.
In your situation, I think it was right for you to tell her that it’s her job to reach out if she considers possibly exploring a relationship with you again. She needs the space in order to miss you and realize what she’s lost. But after a certain amount of time has passed, if you haven’t heard from her, I think it’s ok for you to contact her.it could take a month. It could take two or three. If your relationship was really good, she’ll probably start to miss you sooner. However, you need to be prepared for any outcome. if you reach out and she doesn’t seem very receptive, then it’ll be best to go nc again. (I wish I could listen to my own advice. I definitely cannot!)
Interesting you say this, as this is exactly how I feel as well.
Recently started talking to her again and found out she basically got into another rebound relationship within the same month our 5 year relationship ended.
She’s also been rude and has flaked on me twice for times we were supposed to meet, with the first time leaving me sitting at a restaurant and eating by myself.
Genuinely want nothing to do with her now, where as before, yes, U was romanticizing the relationship and getting back together with her.
I did the same thing with my ex, just allowed myself to be dragged because I wasn’t ready to let go. I loved him very deeply and we really had some beautiful moments, but after awhile it became clear he was never going to want to or even be able to give me the type of love I wanted. So I let go. We’ve been 5 months NC, and I miss him all the time. But after allowing myself to be dragged I can fully say I will not be going back. I too am just disgusted with the way he treated me and just can’t allow people like that in my life anymore
Mind if I ask who initiated the breakup? My gf also broke up with me but still contacts me when she wants to. Wants to stay friends and is reluctant whether to trust me again. (Broke up with me be of my constant drinking) Im sober 4months now and she's telling me how much Ive changed after the breakup(in a good way) but she isnt sure yet. We've been in contact on and off. I told her to contact me only when she is sure if she wants to try again but Idk if i should contact her first bc l'm so impatient rn
I was the one the initiated the break up and initial NC after that. I didn't block him but removed him from all my socials and then just stopped texting him (hardest part). He reached out again after about 2 weeks of this, and then it was intermittent from there with the blocking and unblocking of each other. Finally we decided to try it for real again and get back together. We lasted about 5 months before I realized nothing changed and going back to him just made him think I would accept his shitty behavior and treatment of me. We broke it off after that but I still wasn't ready to let go so we continued to do the block, unblock, talk once a month dance. Until it became clear he was just using me for sex, which he admitted to. After that I told him to never contact me again and blocked him on everything. That was 5 months ago and I have no desire to go back or ever communicate at this time. I've even seen him out in the wild and just given a steely gaze and then walked past him as if he was just paint on the walls. It hurts a lot but it truly has helped me stop romanticizing him, even now. I have moments where I really miss him and think of all the good times, but then I remember why I can't have him in my life anymore and just like that..I don't miss him as much.
Sis, this was my experience to the T. Like I had horny, lovesick amnesia I keep contacting him because I ruminated about the few intimate and pleasant nights we spent together over and over and over and over. I was pathetic, but towards the end I had enough of his stupid bullshit and walked away for good. Feels great. The walking away part, not the two years of being jerked around by him. Those sucked.
Girl literally! There was something about him I was literally drawn too. Can’t explain it. One of them things. But you can only take so much. Hope you’re happy now babe ❤️
What a refreshing post. I’ve been feeling embarrassed for going back a few times because I “should” know better but like the OP I romanticize when I can’t see him. This last go-around showed he just doesn’t care. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way through exposure. Even if other people can’t understand or get what we see in them.
I did this to an extent. I kept taking her back after broken promise after broken promise to work towards sobriety. She just couldn’t do it. I feel very guilty for giving up on her but four years of this was killing me. I had to choose me or I was going to be in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve got to work. I’ve got to support myself, I was supporting her also and it was making me unable to function. She tells me I’m a horrible person for leaving her when she needed me the most but for four years I supported her in all ways. There was no progress. I finally got to my end when her addiction put her in a very dangerous position and she wound up getting hurt badly. I still stayed, she promised sobriety bc this situation was devastating. It lasted two weeks. It was then i realized nothing would ever lead her to choose recovery. She won’t choose it for me, she won’t choose it to keep herself safe. She won’t ever choose it so now i choose me.
I sort of did this too. We had a break up then a cycle of no contact then my ex reached back out and we sort of got back together then another cycle of no contact then unfortunately a repeat of when they reached out again saying “ I’ve been through therapy, I promise I won’t leave again” then did that exact thing and discarded me, now we are back to no contact. I cannot even fathom ever doing this cycle again so it has helped a lot.
Literally not capable of hating him, the only thing that’s working for me is the fact he has a girlfriend now otherwise I would’ve still gone back again & again.
Ah yes, the lesson I finally learned as well. I kept going back until I learned my self worth. Hadn’t realized I didn’t know it already but I definitely did not. No contact 2.5 months!
If it works for you that's great but I think people forget that no contact is supposed to allow you a detox of them if you will. You want to use that time to find new hobbies or go back to existing ones. To hang out with family friends stranger's even. To push yourself out of your comfort zone. I never thought I would have joined a gym gone by myself joined a bowling league went on a vacation but I did all of those things during my no contact. And I don't regret it at all I made sure to focus on me myself and I. Sure I would think about my ex and get sad but use it to push myself harder at the gym or go meet new people. It's all about changing the pain into fuel to better yourself during no contact and not just sitting around thinking about your ex non stop
Hello Available-Green-4540,
Firstly, I'd like to commend you for recognizing your worth and coming to the realization that you deserve better treatment. It’s a tremendously courageous journey to arrive at a place where one acknowledges their own value beyond an unhealthy relationship. That awakening moment, where you knew "there's gotta be something better than this," is a profound shift and speaks to your strength and resilience.
It seems like this advice might be helpful, but again it might not be, so feel free to discard whatever isn't helpful. While every person's journey to healing is unique, it's essential to consider alternate strategies to maintain the distance and foster your well-being without further exposure to negativity or disrespect. Facilitating recovery and safeguarding your emotional health is pivotal. Instead of going back until the feelings sour, perhaps there are other methods you might find more sustainable and less painful.
One exercise that might be particularly beneficial based on your experience is the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) technique called "Values Clarification." This exercise helps you identify what is most important to you in life, serving as a compass that guides your decision-making process and helps in maintaining focus on these values rather than the past. Here’s how you can do it:
1. **List Values**: Write down what matters most to you in various aspects of life (personal growth, relationships, career, health, etc.).
2. **Rate Alignment**: For each value, rate how closely your current actions or situation aligns with this value on a scale of 1-10.
3. **Set Goals**: For values that rate low in alignment, set specific, achievable goals that will help you live more in line with these values.
By focusing on these metrics, it might help you anchor your decisions and interactions away from past patterns into more fulfilling ones that honor your wellbeing.
Here are a couple of questions you might consider pondering (or if you prefer, you can just reflect on these themes privately):
1. What are some core values that you feel were compromised in your past relationship?
2. Is there a supportive practice or activity that helps reinforce these values when you might be feeling low or tempted to revisit old patterns?
Remember, it's okay if you don't wish to answer these directly here. They're for your personal reflection as you continue your journey toward healing.
I wish you the utmost luck on this path of self-discovery and healing. You've shown incredible progression by recognizing you "do not deserve to be treated this way," a sentiment that marks significant emotional insight. Stay strong and keep embracing that inner wisdom guiding you to what's better and deserving for you.
^This ^Comment ^Was ^Written ^By ^Breakup ^Buddy, ^an ^AI ^Breakup ^Support ^Bot ^<3. ^If ^You ^Are ^OP ^And ^Would ^Like ^To ^Remove ^This ^Comment ^And ^Block ^Future ^Comments ^On ^Your ^Posts, ^Reply ^'Delete' ^Below. ^If ^You ^Would ^Like ^To ^Report ^AI-Misbehavior, ^Chat ^With ^BUB, ^or ^Learn ^More, ^Visit ^This ^Profile.
That’s one way to do it. It obviously makes you look extremely pitiful and lacking in self-respect, but if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes.
I’ll admit I have sometimes thought about just sending a ridiculously mean and hateful text just to make her hate me so that I’ll know for sure it’s over and she’ll never want me back. But in my mind that would be admitting defeat. I want to overcome this on my own, without any assistance from my ex. This isn’t to prove anything to her, it’s to prove to myself that I am strong enough to maintain NC.
But again, I agree that your mental health comes first. If NC isn’t working, annoying your ex until they lose all respect for you will certainly get the job done as well haha.
Ehhhh I’m at the point where I didn’t care about looking “pitiful” or lacking self respect. I feel better knowing I gave it my all and there’s no “what if I did this or what if I did that”. I tried my best and loved him the best I could. And also I think the person your supposed to be with won’t look at you that way anyways. So I’m honestly at peace with it.
I’ve seen the same advice online too and this has indeed helped me. Not being with them destroyed me in the inside and I decided to stick with them, knowing that my feelings would fade away eventually. Plan worked. I’m at 4 days of NC (blocked him everywhere) and he has sent me a mail and looked up my linkedin profile. If I would’ve gone NC 2 months earlier, I would’ve hopped back on that damage train and romanticize the fact that he would email me (cuz uwu he’s obsessed with meehee).
Greatest advice ever
I broke NC in a month (Me dumpee) , he unblocked me and the phone finally rang. Ended up arguing and saying bye to each other in a 40 minute phone call. Cried the next day with little hope. Then the next day cried , went to his apartment , he wasnt home and he called me back, got into an argument saying he wanted nothing to do with me.. told me i was manipulating him. after being on the phone for 2 hours, he facetimed me.. we talked like friends. he ended up coming over. talked, cried, cuddled, smashed, cuddled, cried, smashed, cuddled cried and he left. I texted him the next day , he replied to me the next day , then me the next day. A very toxic cycle. he wants me all on his terms. no consideration of me and my feelings. I know i let him in. but i had hope. Today no hope.. I blocked him 3 days ago .. I'm done. I deserve better.
Am I dumb , yes.. but no more dumb decisions for someone who can't chose me.
Re: ***"no contact did NOT work for me. Not speaking to him made me romanticize our relationship and just think about all the good times we had and made me miss him more."*** - - - - this is because during "no contact" you're supposed to focus on all of the bad things and all of the reasons it didn't work / it's not working... so that you get to that point of disgust way sooner, while saving your dignity at the same time.
That tip and so much more in [***THIS BOOK***](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) :)
But happy to hear you are now over him!
I'm doing this right now....just trying to make myself ...force myself to see the bad.
He just texted and asked if I was near a phone..giving me PTSD reminding me of how I couldn't be away from my phone for a minute when we were dating.
Burning the bridge is an effective strategy to move on quicker but be warned, you will regret it years later because of the cringe factor.
I take some comfort in knowing that when my ex looks back on the break up she can't deny the fact that I took it like a man.
There is nothing for me to go back to. She isn’t the woman I thought she was. She is devoid of love. There are no deep conversations with her. I was intellectually starving. Being with her is a spiritual desert. I loved her so much I couldn’t see it. She is a poser. A wayfaring apparition of a woman. There is nothingness within. A chameleon and a shapeshifter that can briefly hold a moment but never maintain anything. There is nothing for me to grow to hate, but also nothing substantive to which I can return.
Took me 1 yr almost every other days to weekly to months. No responses and blocked everywhere. Made myself look so low and pathetic. Begging crying praising him…so many fake text number account but he blocked all. Until I finally said yah he doesn’t give a fuck and he is an evil bastard. Sometimes my brain still misses the good fake memories he showed me but it now knows the reality of it. You will get there don’t worry. Good luck!
I only went back once, after nc for 4 months and completely relate to this! It was the reunion that made me think fuck that, the 4 months of no contact id constantly romanticise and rejected loads of genuinely nice blokes thinking that I already had the greenest grass. Back in no contact now, but because I don’t want him back, not because I’m waiting for him to come back.
I kept trying to get my ex back a while ago and kept trying to contact her and send flowers and text her and she just wouldn't say anything other than leave me alone. Eventually it got to a point where I was like what am I doing, this is so pathetic and I stopped so in that sense it's effective but I'm not gonna do it again and I wouldn't recommend doing it to heal.
Yep! You try over and over again and put in so much effort to the point where you literally have nothing left to give. Been there.
That sounds exactly like what I’ve tried to do with my ex GF. I would’ve given her the world we were on no contact since February 2023. I was told that everything was gonna be OK if I just got my life in order and she would do the same and we would revisit Each other when we were doing better. I’ve heard a lot of different stories or actually, I’ve read a lot of different stories on this website our situation and it seems that there’s no chance in hell that we will ever get back together because all her friends on this website have heard her side of our story and that makes for biased situation. You know that once your friends hear that you have been treated in properly, they take the side of their friend and nothing can be done because the other person has already been shut out. So I’m sure my girlfriend doesn’t want to go through the stress of explaining to them that she’s back with the guy that treated her so improperly. I’m in hell. I don’t know what to do so I’ll just wait like I always have been. I want her back as my best friend.
This actually helped me stop romanticizing him. He was the one that initiated no contact but we started talking again after 7 months and I noticed so many things that made me grateful we aren’t together anymore.
Same!!! I saw so many things that I just didn’t like about him as a person. Not the kind of person I wanted to have in my life anymore.
yeah, i feel you. How did you start talking after the 7 months of NC tho?
I asked to make amends after getting sober
But we continued to talk on and off for the last 6 months
Has this stopped now then (finally), or do you still keep talking directly, on and off?
We still kinda talk on and off, but not as often
That’s nice, so you’re actually still in contact? How surreal. Or do you just send each other vague signals lol?
We were, he blocked me today though 😅 for some reason he’ll block me like every 3 months usually when we talk about meeting up But yeah we’d sometimes talk like normal throughout the day or we’d just send a message if something reminded us of each other. It was nice but also kind of a tease if that makes sense lol
Haha wow, yeah I’d love that, until you actually wanted something. Then it would definitely become a tease 😂. Well, I hope you get unblocked again for the next season ha. Maybe just straightforward no contact is more peaceful and predictable after all.
Exactly 😂 like it was nice until I started feeling things again, even just platonically lol. And thank you, it’s kinda funny because I blocked him earlier today and it was the first time I’ve initiated it but I wanted to say goodbye and that’s how I realized I was blocked lol. So I agree that straightforward no contact is probably best
They said you keep forgiving until you unlove them..... This happened to me too. Kept letting him pull me back until he became completely repulsive. You keep breaking a heart, you'll eventually ruin the love a person once had for you.
Yep this
Agree!! I was told NC is the only way but I think there is truth to this- I went No contact for 10 months, went back to contact and we talked for 2 months before i realized he really didn't change and the nice things in the "beginning" were just love bombing etc bc even in the short 2 months he once again revealed his true colors- so I agree, sometimes, breaking it until you really learn AND ACCEPT they are just not going to change and don't have capacity to change or be the person you deserve.
Yes! You start to realize the person you were in love with wasn’t who they really were. I kept on holding onto things in the beginning because he was sooo good to me and thought I could get that back. Turns out it was all a facade.
exactly!! Even when I broke NC he gave me glimpses of who he was in the beginning and was full of apology and care and etc, it lasted maybe 2 weeks, that was all he could muster to keep the illusion before his real self poked through. A tough lesson and took me years to learn if I am being truthful, but if I didn't break NC I'd still be romanticizing or wondering what was wrong with me etc, but I feel more at peace now, even tho I really feel alot of regret about the time wasted, but can't dwell there.
Same here, love bombing is a disgusting act. He almost begged me to be a boyfriend in 2 weeks, but I chose to wait and he waited along because he already knew I was falling for it. I opened up too soon and showed vulnerability for him to feed on.
Yes the worst is the time wasted. But I found for me there were important lessons about why I got so attached. Sometimes these lessons take time to take hold.
Yep, gotta feel and work through the pain till you find out what it’s there to teach you…
Yes. This.
I think this can be a really good strategy, it helped me!
It helped me too! made me realize who the person in front of me really was and I finally realized that’s not the kind of person I would want to be with anyways 🤷🏼♀️
Mind if I ask who initiated the breakup? My gf also broke up with me but still contacts me when she wants to. Wants to stay friends and is reluctant whether to trust me again. (Broke up with me bc of my constant drinking) Im sober 4months now and she's telling me how much Ive changed after the breakup(in a good way) but she isnt sure yet. We've been in contact on and off. I told her to contact me only when she is sure if she wants to try again but Idk if i should contact her first bc I'm so impatient rn
For me I had gotten to the point where enough is enough. You can only take so much disrespect and actual pain where I was like wow I’m done trying, he isn’t gonna change and it had taken everything out of me. Doing this also made me stop thinking of the what ifs when we were on and off because he was always that same person. I eventually went no contact and of course I miss and love him, but not in a way where I would return to it. I definitely had some resentment when it first ended, but now it’s more of a I’m better off thing.
exactly how I feel. I love him to death and wish him well. but the disrespect completely pushed me to a point where I thought this man does not value or respect me at all. And I don’t want that in a partner.
Yup same. When we tried again the last time, I had to tell him I couldn’t look past all of the painful things he had done to me because i finally grasped the concept that a partner who really cared for/loved me would have never treated me that way at all.
Yup. Just had to do this as well. These dudes out here are ruthless. Just talking to a brick wall at this point.
Yeah, I’ve had to do this before. I was literally obsessive and the only way I could get it out of my system is to have direct evidence of how much he hated me and didn’t give a shit. Once I finally had enough I had enough. Of course your dignity is gone but eh, sometimes that’s the only way instead of pontificating on “what if” for years and never getting over it.
Yep, this is how it worked for me, too. I had to burn my hand on the stove over and over again until I stopped wanting to touch the burner.
It was her reaching out indirectly (posting about me / leaving messages in group chats) that pissed me off. The breadcrumbing drove me crazy. Even 3 years later I’m still anxious to be messaged or something like that because of it, and now I resent her
Kind of where I am. She won’t leave me alone and continues to blow up my phone even though I have told her not to contact me.
I did this with some of my situationships but I couldn’t in my last relationship, this just made me lose respect for myself and hurt a lot more. Instead, I am trying to make a list of the reasons (with proofs and moments) I wouldn’t want to be with him anymore. I tend to romanticize us very often but with the list (and album) I can vividly remember and feel the hurt of some specific moment that I never wanna live again.
Can you explain what a situationship is? Is it just sexual? My ex keeps posting stuff about a situationship so I’m not sure if that means she’s with someone else or if she’s posting that to trigger me. I don’t care what she does or who she does it with but I do like to try and untangle her web of thoughts from time to time. If she has a situationship then I am not sure why she keeps emailing me asking to start over.
Of course I’d explain. Basically I think the definition changes from person to person, for some people it can be sexual, for some it’s not. It’s basically an unnamed relationship. When everything between you with a person is like you’re in a relationship but no one named it. Mine were not sexual, they were emotional, flirting and talking deeply about some stuff and talking about future relationship but without actually being a gf/bf. It’s like a very prolonged talking stage maybe? (For some people it can be sexual but it’s not necessarily one). I hope I could explain
Yes this helped. I honestly think my ex is prob flirting with others, she very much needs a lot of attention. I also think she knows I look at her reposts and will say you can just watch my social media. I do peek from time to time bc I do worry about her. She always tells me she wants to die. Sometimes I think maybe I can gauge her mood by her reposts but I am sure I’m wrong. She doesn’t even know what she wants or needs herself. She enjoys trying to trigger me into contacting her. I don’t fall for it. She’s free to flirt or get into a new relationship any time she wants. I feel like that may be the only time she leaves me be. She emails me asking to start again but I’ve not heard from her in two weeks so I guess a situationship is quite possible in those two weeks. Who knows. I need to just not worry about her. She’s an adult. Thanks for explaining!
Situationship: You two are more involved that would be commonly regarded as friends, and certain expectations have been established accordingly. Yet, one or both of you resist, for whatever reason, calling it a relationship. Some would call if friends with benefits.
This is smart. I used to tell myself things about my ex ex that I disliked because honestly towards the end there was a voice in my head that said break up with him. I think we all get that voice and deny it and they break up with us. But anyway. My list was doesn’t love my kids (I genuinely thought he did, he knew my kids before we dated), complains about his commute (grow up, he agrees to move in the first place), isn’t as…endowed as I would prefer (I loved him anyway but while we are being truthful), snobby towards less fortunate, didn’t know dolphins are mammals, is a dog person (I’m a cat person), relies too much on his mommy and daddy to save him, etc. it seriously helped me not miss him anymore and now it’s a joke how much I did
This is actually a post I agree with. Mine treats me with so much disrespect. And I try to justify it because I know I hurt him and right now, maybe I deserve it. But I love him and when the relationship was good, he treated me so well. I cannot seem to stick to nc for the life of me. Every few days, I get weak and text him, only to either be ignored or get a response that I don’t want. But he drunk texted me last weekend and I ended up going to his place. it gave me hope that he still cares and maybe we can reconcile. If he gives me the chance, I’m gonna go back. And I’m going to deal with the disrespect. And he’ll either change when we’re in a good place again, or I’ll learn the hard way and let it destroy me until I truthfully WANT to walk away.
Mind if I ask who initiated the breakup? My gf also broke up with me but still contacts me when she wants to. Wants to stay friends and is reluctant whether to trust me again. (Broke up with me be of my constant drinking) Im sober 4months now and she's telling me how much Ive changed after the breakup(in a good way) but she isnt sure yet. We've been in contact on and off. I told her to contact me only when she is sure if she wants to try again but Idk if i should contact her first bc l'm so impatient rn
Mine broke up with me 6 weeks ago because I lied and broke his trust. I’ve broken nc so many times and he either ignores me, or is extremely mean and disrespectful. However, he is being receptive to me to some extent. He just still has his guard up. Because of this, I have so much hope that we can reconcile. In your situation, I think it was right for you to tell her that it’s her job to reach out if she considers possibly exploring a relationship with you again. She needs the space in order to miss you and realize what she’s lost. But after a certain amount of time has passed, if you haven’t heard from her, I think it’s ok for you to contact her.it could take a month. It could take two or three. If your relationship was really good, she’ll probably start to miss you sooner. However, you need to be prepared for any outcome. if you reach out and she doesn’t seem very receptive, then it’ll be best to go nc again. (I wish I could listen to my own advice. I definitely cannot!)
Interesting you say this, as this is exactly how I feel as well. Recently started talking to her again and found out she basically got into another rebound relationship within the same month our 5 year relationship ended. She’s also been rude and has flaked on me twice for times we were supposed to meet, with the first time leaving me sitting at a restaurant and eating by myself. Genuinely want nothing to do with her now, where as before, yes, U was romanticizing the relationship and getting back together with her.
I did the same thing with my ex, just allowed myself to be dragged because I wasn’t ready to let go. I loved him very deeply and we really had some beautiful moments, but after awhile it became clear he was never going to want to or even be able to give me the type of love I wanted. So I let go. We’ve been 5 months NC, and I miss him all the time. But after allowing myself to be dragged I can fully say I will not be going back. I too am just disgusted with the way he treated me and just can’t allow people like that in my life anymore
Mind if I ask who initiated the breakup? My gf also broke up with me but still contacts me when she wants to. Wants to stay friends and is reluctant whether to trust me again. (Broke up with me be of my constant drinking) Im sober 4months now and she's telling me how much Ive changed after the breakup(in a good way) but she isnt sure yet. We've been in contact on and off. I told her to contact me only when she is sure if she wants to try again but Idk if i should contact her first bc l'm so impatient rn
I was the one the initiated the break up and initial NC after that. I didn't block him but removed him from all my socials and then just stopped texting him (hardest part). He reached out again after about 2 weeks of this, and then it was intermittent from there with the blocking and unblocking of each other. Finally we decided to try it for real again and get back together. We lasted about 5 months before I realized nothing changed and going back to him just made him think I would accept his shitty behavior and treatment of me. We broke it off after that but I still wasn't ready to let go so we continued to do the block, unblock, talk once a month dance. Until it became clear he was just using me for sex, which he admitted to. After that I told him to never contact me again and blocked him on everything. That was 5 months ago and I have no desire to go back or ever communicate at this time. I've even seen him out in the wild and just given a steely gaze and then walked past him as if he was just paint on the walls. It hurts a lot but it truly has helped me stop romanticizing him, even now. I have moments where I really miss him and think of all the good times, but then I remember why I can't have him in my life anymore and just like that..I don't miss him as much.
Sis, this was my experience to the T. Like I had horny, lovesick amnesia I keep contacting him because I ruminated about the few intimate and pleasant nights we spent together over and over and over and over. I was pathetic, but towards the end I had enough of his stupid bullshit and walked away for good. Feels great. The walking away part, not the two years of being jerked around by him. Those sucked.
Girl literally! There was something about him I was literally drawn too. Can’t explain it. One of them things. But you can only take so much. Hope you’re happy now babe ❤️
Same to you! Our individual happiness is the most valuable thing we have imo. Glad you escaped the cycle too :)
That’s the exact situation I’m in but I’m not at the walking away part yet sadly.
You'll get there! For me, it was when he *lied about having brain cancer.* That one sealed the deal on how disgusting of a human he really is. 🤢
What a refreshing post. I’ve been feeling embarrassed for going back a few times because I “should” know better but like the OP I romanticize when I can’t see him. This last go-around showed he just doesn’t care. Sometimes we have to learn the hard way through exposure. Even if other people can’t understand or get what we see in them.
I did this to an extent. I kept taking her back after broken promise after broken promise to work towards sobriety. She just couldn’t do it. I feel very guilty for giving up on her but four years of this was killing me. I had to choose me or I was going to be in a psychiatric hospital. I’ve got to work. I’ve got to support myself, I was supporting her also and it was making me unable to function. She tells me I’m a horrible person for leaving her when she needed me the most but for four years I supported her in all ways. There was no progress. I finally got to my end when her addiction put her in a very dangerous position and she wound up getting hurt badly. I still stayed, she promised sobriety bc this situation was devastating. It lasted two weeks. It was then i realized nothing would ever lead her to choose recovery. She won’t choose it for me, she won’t choose it to keep herself safe. She won’t ever choose it so now i choose me.
I sort of did this too. We had a break up then a cycle of no contact then my ex reached back out and we sort of got back together then another cycle of no contact then unfortunately a repeat of when they reached out again saying “ I’ve been through therapy, I promise I won’t leave again” then did that exact thing and discarded me, now we are back to no contact. I cannot even fathom ever doing this cycle again so it has helped a lot.
Relatable asf
Literally not capable of hating him, the only thing that’s working for me is the fact he has a girlfriend now otherwise I would’ve still gone back again & again.
I think this is the way. You really commit to no content when you hate them.
works 110% haha...
Yeah I did this and it came at a great price but otherwise I would've been stuck on her forever
Ah yes, the lesson I finally learned as well. I kept going back until I learned my self worth. Hadn’t realized I didn’t know it already but I definitely did not. No contact 2.5 months!
If it works for you that's great but I think people forget that no contact is supposed to allow you a detox of them if you will. You want to use that time to find new hobbies or go back to existing ones. To hang out with family friends stranger's even. To push yourself out of your comfort zone. I never thought I would have joined a gym gone by myself joined a bowling league went on a vacation but I did all of those things during my no contact. And I don't regret it at all I made sure to focus on me myself and I. Sure I would think about my ex and get sad but use it to push myself harder at the gym or go meet new people. It's all about changing the pain into fuel to better yourself during no contact and not just sitting around thinking about your ex non stop
Us 😂
Hello Available-Green-4540, Firstly, I'd like to commend you for recognizing your worth and coming to the realization that you deserve better treatment. It’s a tremendously courageous journey to arrive at a place where one acknowledges their own value beyond an unhealthy relationship. That awakening moment, where you knew "there's gotta be something better than this," is a profound shift and speaks to your strength and resilience. It seems like this advice might be helpful, but again it might not be, so feel free to discard whatever isn't helpful. While every person's journey to healing is unique, it's essential to consider alternate strategies to maintain the distance and foster your well-being without further exposure to negativity or disrespect. Facilitating recovery and safeguarding your emotional health is pivotal. Instead of going back until the feelings sour, perhaps there are other methods you might find more sustainable and less painful. One exercise that might be particularly beneficial based on your experience is the Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) technique called "Values Clarification." This exercise helps you identify what is most important to you in life, serving as a compass that guides your decision-making process and helps in maintaining focus on these values rather than the past. Here’s how you can do it: 1. **List Values**: Write down what matters most to you in various aspects of life (personal growth, relationships, career, health, etc.). 2. **Rate Alignment**: For each value, rate how closely your current actions or situation aligns with this value on a scale of 1-10. 3. **Set Goals**: For values that rate low in alignment, set specific, achievable goals that will help you live more in line with these values. By focusing on these metrics, it might help you anchor your decisions and interactions away from past patterns into more fulfilling ones that honor your wellbeing. Here are a couple of questions you might consider pondering (or if you prefer, you can just reflect on these themes privately): 1. What are some core values that you feel were compromised in your past relationship? 2. Is there a supportive practice or activity that helps reinforce these values when you might be feeling low or tempted to revisit old patterns? Remember, it's okay if you don't wish to answer these directly here. They're for your personal reflection as you continue your journey toward healing. I wish you the utmost luck on this path of self-discovery and healing. You've shown incredible progression by recognizing you "do not deserve to be treated this way," a sentiment that marks significant emotional insight. Stay strong and keep embracing that inner wisdom guiding you to what's better and deserving for you. ^This ^Comment ^Was ^Written ^By ^Breakup ^Buddy, ^an ^AI ^Breakup ^Support ^Bot ^<3. ^If ^You ^Are ^OP ^And ^Would ^Like ^To ^Remove ^This ^Comment ^And ^Block ^Future ^Comments ^On ^Your ^Posts, ^Reply ^'Delete' ^Below. ^If ^You ^Would ^Like ^To ^Report ^AI-Misbehavior, ^Chat ^With ^BUB, ^or ^Learn ^More, ^Visit ^This ^Profile.
That’s one way to do it. It obviously makes you look extremely pitiful and lacking in self-respect, but if that’s what it takes, that’s what it takes. I’ll admit I have sometimes thought about just sending a ridiculously mean and hateful text just to make her hate me so that I’ll know for sure it’s over and she’ll never want me back. But in my mind that would be admitting defeat. I want to overcome this on my own, without any assistance from my ex. This isn’t to prove anything to her, it’s to prove to myself that I am strong enough to maintain NC. But again, I agree that your mental health comes first. If NC isn’t working, annoying your ex until they lose all respect for you will certainly get the job done as well haha.
Ehhhh I’m at the point where I didn’t care about looking “pitiful” or lacking self respect. I feel better knowing I gave it my all and there’s no “what if I did this or what if I did that”. I tried my best and loved him the best I could. And also I think the person your supposed to be with won’t look at you that way anyways. So I’m honestly at peace with it.
Totally understand. Sometimes you need to exhaust every avenue before calling it quits.
Interesting take
I’ve seen the same advice online too and this has indeed helped me. Not being with them destroyed me in the inside and I decided to stick with them, knowing that my feelings would fade away eventually. Plan worked. I’m at 4 days of NC (blocked him everywhere) and he has sent me a mail and looked up my linkedin profile. If I would’ve gone NC 2 months earlier, I would’ve hopped back on that damage train and romanticize the fact that he would email me (cuz uwu he’s obsessed with meehee). Greatest advice ever
I broke NC in a month (Me dumpee) , he unblocked me and the phone finally rang. Ended up arguing and saying bye to each other in a 40 minute phone call. Cried the next day with little hope. Then the next day cried , went to his apartment , he wasnt home and he called me back, got into an argument saying he wanted nothing to do with me.. told me i was manipulating him. after being on the phone for 2 hours, he facetimed me.. we talked like friends. he ended up coming over. talked, cried, cuddled, smashed, cuddled, cried, smashed, cuddled cried and he left. I texted him the next day , he replied to me the next day , then me the next day. A very toxic cycle. he wants me all on his terms. no consideration of me and my feelings. I know i let him in. but i had hope. Today no hope.. I blocked him 3 days ago .. I'm done. I deserve better. Am I dumb , yes.. but no more dumb decisions for someone who can't chose me.
someone also doing it?? jeez! we was thinking that we are one like that. it’s more good than just don’t contact
If this is you babe, I'm glad you came to the realization. I had it too and I'm doing a lot better now.
Same here !
And god bless
This worked for me but it took away MANY years of my life that I could have spent finding someone who actually cared about me.
Re: ***"no contact did NOT work for me. Not speaking to him made me romanticize our relationship and just think about all the good times we had and made me miss him more."*** - - - - this is because during "no contact" you're supposed to focus on all of the bad things and all of the reasons it didn't work / it's not working... so that you get to that point of disgust way sooner, while saving your dignity at the same time. That tip and so much more in [***THIS BOOK***](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Be-DESPERATE-Insights-Affirmations/dp/1738947904) :) But happy to hear you are now over him!
I'm doing this right now....just trying to make myself ...force myself to see the bad. He just texted and asked if I was near a phone..giving me PTSD reminding me of how I couldn't be away from my phone for a minute when we were dating.
He tried to kill me and i didnt hate him. :).
Interesting take.
You’re not wrong. This is happening to me right now…
This is what worked for me lol
Burning the bridge is an effective strategy to move on quicker but be warned, you will regret it years later because of the cringe factor. I take some comfort in knowing that when my ex looks back on the break up she can't deny the fact that I took it like a man.
I didn’t intend to but he wore me thin. I’m just over it at this point. It’s now been 4 months of NC though. I didn’t even realize until now
yep. wore me flat thin. soooo much effort put towards our relationship and I thought damn all this energy I’m spending on him can go towards myself.
There is nothing for me to go back to. She isn’t the woman I thought she was. She is devoid of love. There are no deep conversations with her. I was intellectually starving. Being with her is a spiritual desert. I loved her so much I couldn’t see it. She is a poser. A wayfaring apparition of a woman. There is nothingness within. A chameleon and a shapeshifter that can briefly hold a moment but never maintain anything. There is nothing for me to grow to hate, but also nothing substantive to which I can return.
That was one of the things I grew to hate! our conversations slowly started to have no substance to them. He was shallow.
Im doing this and it’s not working 😥😥
Took me 1 yr almost every other days to weekly to months. No responses and blocked everywhere. Made myself look so low and pathetic. Begging crying praising him…so many fake text number account but he blocked all. Until I finally said yah he doesn’t give a fuck and he is an evil bastard. Sometimes my brain still misses the good fake memories he showed me but it now knows the reality of it. You will get there don’t worry. Good luck!
I think it’s me who wrote this
You still message them?
Keep doing it lol it will happen I promise. And this is coming from someone with an anxious attachment style. I tried for monthssss
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Glad I could help honey!!! The best is yet to come ❤️
This worked for me too
That’s why I like to ghost chicks. Make them think for months. Sometimes even reignite a few then ghost them again. Hahahahah