I'll say this. It should not matter what your friends and family think. This relationship is between you and the other person. It's really up to how you feel, you truly know this person, and you know how you felt in your relationship, you know if this person is capable of changes or not, and you know what's needed to make your relationship work. So many people let their friends and family dictate their relationship and choices. Friends and family are good to vent to and have to listen to your problems. But, a lot of the time, they do not give good healthy advice, especially for breakups. Breakups are so complicated and complex. Obviously, they want the best for you, but most of the time, they are biased and also hurting for you.
If a dumpee and dumper know how to handle a breakup properly in a healthy way then there actually is a very high chance to make things work again. But in a majority of cases both parties either don't or only 1 handles things properly. Both people need to detach and heal. Both people need to reflect, take responsibility for their mistakes, look into their mental health, and make changes. Doing this allows for a healthy, strong reconciliation that can strengthen your new relationship to another level. But again, both people need to be in this same boat, but because of how bad the advice is online and given by those around them, this is more likely to not happen, which is unfortunate. I hear of so many breakups that are fixable if there is commitment to self growth and change, but people just don't know how to deal with such complex situations.
To be fair I miss mine everyday. I miss our life but he just trow me away with a “ I am not ready for a relationship, just slipped into it” after 18months ( we lived together in his country with all my pets over a year) I heard also : it’s me not you, I need to work on myself bla bla bla. He refuses to talk to me or about me right now. I became the enemy…. It’s his birthday today. Can’t decide to write him or not tomorrow… we are no contact almost 2months
I would advise you not to write him at all. Avoidants need space to feel the pain of the loss that they chose. If you want any chance at reconciliation. Leave him alone. He asked for distance to work on himself. Love him from a distance and honor that request.
Yeah. I think it was all just excuses. I don’t think he really lived me, he said he wasn’t in love, but there is love. He only told me “love you” when he was drunk or high. He seams to be moved on just fine from afar. Got himself busy with projects and maybe even someone new ( or another ex). He needs therapy but for that he would need to look into a mirror and not hate the mirror ( me)…
But I also need therapy.
sounds like he is suppressing his emotions and is afraid of them. alcohol amd weed tend to make emotions surface up. if it helps you to think he didn't love you, all the power to you. doesn't sound like he didn't, though, from my limited viewpoint and all.
Yeah, this is something I wanted to believe myself initially… but he also said he doesn’t believe in love. He did treat me very generously ( but he has no financial worries at all) however at times very mean… I believe he was just at times tried to create distance between us. As you say hiding from his emotions. He would do this with all kind off manors at an exact clockwork fashion of every 3weeks. Or after every social event or holiday. He is a good man but a mess inside and he is trying to outrun himself. He is upset of me because I showed him a mirror how most of his social cercols are superficial. Typical fearful avoidant. It is sad because we had everything in theory to have a good life together, we made a very good team
Also thinking about bringing up therapy if my avoidant ex comes back. She's not aware she's an avoidant tho, not sure better to say let's go to couples therapy and let therapist tell her or say straight up your an avoidant and need to go to a therapist which think would be harder to get her to accept?
That’s really hard. She is not your responsibility. If an avoidant comes back, it’s like interacting with a toddler. You have to take it so slow because they don’t trust you or their own feelings. The likelihood that they would be open to listening to your feedback is low. It’s probably going to have to be something vague about their behavior and being able to have hard conversations sometimes. And working your way into them considering therapy. Most just aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle hard stuff.
I hear you, she really is like a toddler. Only wants what she can't have. When she completely had me she didn't want it, I always had to play this annoying game of forcing myself not to get too close or show too much interest to not push her away. I thought if i was patient enough with her she would evenutally open up her heart trust and let me in completely but just when started to think that was happening after almost a year of dating, got blindsided dumped. I really do think now impossible to have a healthy relationship with an avoidant, unless they seriously work on themselves which is not high chance.
🤣😂
I’m a dismissive avoidant and my anxious (disorganized?)ex dumped me last year………and I have been working on my boundaries (he said he want me to work on this),healing my attachment,working on my codependency issues and in therapy.
I hope you are doing okay.
If my ex came back, i would take them back. Honestly, i worked on myself and i am ready to restart everything from scratch. To reattract each other, to redate each other.
They need to promise to stay no matter what. No leaving. No giving up just him and i against everything else
Ultimately, she resisted holding herself accountable for anything. Her overall sense of entitlement had her believing that while she loved me, she had already done enough.
Basically, I stood my ground in setting boundaries. What those boundaries are to you depends upon your own personal experience and beliefs. One boundary that I set was that I was no longer going to let her DARVO me anymore. She didn’t have to take accountability for her behavior but I wasn’t going to let her flip it back on me. So whenever we had a conversation and she would try to flip it back to me, I would stop her and say that I won’t allow it and redirect the conversation back to what we were talking about. Eventually, she’d just rage quit and nothing would change but at least I stood up for myself.
A apology,and I don’t mean pin a phine apology I mean catch a plane and coke to be and beg for me back and my forgiveness showing me they really want me that means they gotta work for my love again.
We’re effectively strangers again. I miss him so fucking much but I could not tolerate that slow fade bullshit and disrespect again. I’d need a genuine and meaningful sense of understanding from him about what happened, the impact of the situation upon me and a commitment to respecting each other in good and tough times otherwise I’d expect the same and be salty AF and how would that make anyone happy 😅 I ofc miss the sexual element but I miss the connection more and I’ve felt very emotionally raw and exposed since he left. I don’t think I’m the same person now and I expect he has also changed. For good or worse who knows. Words are hollow, actions show intent.
For him to admit that he was also wrong, not just me. To take accountability for his actions. Realize that compromises aren't just focused on his happiness and I shouldn't follow him blindly.
Acknowledge my feelings and make a conscience effort to make me feel like he cares about my life instead of me heading to him and always being involved in his. Know that is fighting doesn't mean he has to avoid it, it means we are communicating and trying to tackle the issue together as a team.
I would also need him to realize that I need his support.
Most importantly, I'd like for him to put me first instead of making me feel like I have to beg for the bare minimum. I wanted a future with him but I don't want it with an immature boy, a want it with a mature man who doesn't stay confused.
Therapy could help him and i would even be willing to go with him. I'm not perfect either.
This .👆when i got dumped he was kind enough to explain his reasons. Unfortunately it was all about my faults and why I wasn’t good enough for him. He is probably the best person I have known, but he is/was stubborn as hell, and couldn’t cope when things weren’t perfect.
I was his first girlfriend and he is 37 - which I think says a lot.
A genuine desire to be with me.
A commitment on:
-Communicating their feelings and emotions correctly and not hide your emotions.
-Not abandoning the relationship out of nowhere as it were nothing.
-When things start to falter, work on it by communicating things efficiently, as adults.
-Entering therapy to manage their feelings, heal their avoidant traumas. And I have to see that you are progressing or at least let know how you are doing during therapy.
Any other LIMIT that you want to set that seem important to YOU.
And my love will not be unconditional anymore.
As soon as you see a pattern is repeating, I'm going to let you know that I'd be leaving
And with all this.. I'm still not sure I'd take them back. I would have never treated this person as she treated me.
This for me. I have lost all trust in my ex-best friend so I would really need to see the proof that she is actually promising to work on herself to do this.
He could show up a millionaire and give it all to me and I still would slam the door in his face. No way in hell I would put myself and my family though his nonsense, EVER AGAIN 😑
Therapy or stop drinking. An apology. He’s hurt me bad twice already, and was so disrespectful so I don’t know if it would ever work again. My ex before that, same. An apology for pushing and hitting me. My ex husband - that will never happen but we can be friends. 3 boyfriends in the last 14 years. I’m so almost done
No second chances.
No friendship.
No keeping in touch.
Whether I have moved on or not, they have healed or not, that is a storm that I have passed.
People... including ourselves...are very easy to fall back into unhealthy patterns of the past, as they still fit us like a glove and we have pre-existing excuses.
With time, we realise romantic, platonic or family, once we realize we are the ones making effort or we are not valued or repeatedly bearing the brunt of the relationship, it is better to take a step back, or several steps (as many as possible) and see them with clearer lens
I would say, she needs to provide answers why she left? and why changed her mind ? I need to know why she left all of a sudden without me realizing it was coming. I need to know what made her say "i love u and i miss u" in the first place, hen 2 months later she doesn't want to give us a chance anymore? what did u mean by saying "i am not a leader for her" I need to know what situations i placed her in that made her feel i lacked leadership. I want explanations justification and she needs to promise that she will always communicate with me wheneve she feels that her doubts about me are being Triggered. and I need to take ownership of the cruel discarding behavior she showed me and promise her heart to never treat me like that ever again
Absolutely nothing. This is part of moving on.
Once you close that door and that chapter of your life, you create the space for other things and other people to enter.
I’d need forgiveness. I failed to listen. I spoke to convince (a nice way of saying I dismissed her feelings, insecurity, fears). When I paused that rhetoric, I spoke to defend myself rather than to resolve. I detached emotionally to prepare for her detachment…which may have not even been a real thing had I stayed emotionally present. Her silence, withdraw in disagreements seemingly triggered my own insecurities causing a lot of defense mechanisms that I did not realize I even had in my toolbox. Sure, I’d like her to be more vulnerable, patient, talk vs shut down, but can’t dilute the truth/answer to this simple question: did I offer a safe space for that in those last months? I did not. Hindsight and all that jazz. it’s easy to assign blame in the abusive, cheating relationships…but when you have two people in love, trying to be true to themselves and to the other and it fails, all you’ve got is a lot of self reflection and growth ahead. So, yeah, I would need forgiveness, her to be able to offer it.
I often wonder if anger/blame would be easier to process than the regret/responsibility. I’m living my life…putting it together but with more than 8 months of breakup, 14 months of not seeing her face, and 5 months of no contact…I’m still in love with her. I’ve loved her most of my life, it is just a part of me at this point. However, shaking off the “in” love part, that would be helpful. Missing her everyday is hard.
Sometimes you run out of do overs.
I'm not sure this will happen but assuming it's an *if*, we agreed to therapy sessions before dating again to see if rekindling things would be the most appropriate idea and I would hope they have created healthy boundaries with their family. Lastly, they would have to be in it till "death do us part". If things do become rocky in the future, I just expect commitment to work it out with me to find a compromised solution, no matter what it takes.
I would need to have amnesia to have forgotten he existed and all the things he did. Or be brainwashed. Or really savage, heartless and want revenge to mess with him back without getting hurt again. Thankfully I am in my right mind and grateful for a peaceful life without him!
Patience. I would take my ex back because I think she is a good person and we had good chemistry together. But hardest part in our relationship was the was the distance so it makes it harder to see each other all the time in addition to me being and school and building my career I think it would be hard to juggle all of that. Also if there was a situation in the relationship were she was feeling unhappy I’d want her to address it with me without feeling guilty.
Accountability, but to be honest once it’s done in my opinion it’s well. done. I know it’s just a hypothetical but they’d have to undergo treatment and have some true realization like the kinda that makes you do a 180. Still though there’s greener grasses if it was meant to be it would’ve been. It does make me ruminate with joy if that were to happen, the perfect love story but it’s not:(. We all gotta keep our hearts true and take care of ourselves and let the ones that hurt us go for both our sakes
he wouldn’t come back because he doesn’t love me like that anymore, but hypothetically speaking we would need to talk about how the situation was handled when he broke up with me. I would be willing to reconcile with him, because while the majority of the issues were because of me, a lot of them could’ve been avoided if he told me how he really felt. Our communication was great until it wasn’t. I do still love & care for him & wish him the best even if it isn’t with me.
I love him i always will. But i wont take him back. The trust has gone, and i know no matter how much i want him that once that has been broken there is no going back. Plus my Mum would kill me!
Just a platonic friendship.
Simple, firm boundaries, no drama.
So that we can live peacefully in this life. No heavy feelings, no heavy baggage to carry around.
We're not compatible romantically.
But I think we can be good as friends.
That's what matters. At least someone to talk, different perspective and share wisdom when something is bothering/bugging my mind.
- A sincere apology for their wishy-washy and dismissive behavior
- Either divorced or in the process of divorcing the wife they've been separated from for years (as this is the source of a lot of their trauma).
- A commitment to therapy for their trauma, attachment style, and anger.
- To verbalize what they want from me and what they want for themselves. I need them to be decisive about whether they want a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship with me, and understand that I will enforce a strict "friends only" emotional & physical barrier b/w us in the case of platonic friendship. No exceptions.
- The understanding that THEY will need to take the lead in reestablishing trust b/w us because they are responsible for breaking the trust in our relationship.
- The mental strength to listen to my concerns without losing their shit and projecting their guilt onto me.
- Willingness to communicate openly and honestly, including telling me about any concerns they have regarding my actions or responses during the relationship/breakup. I'm not perfect, and I'm willing to listen to them tell me exactly why I'm not perfect. I want them to know that I don't think I'm above reproach, and that they are safe bringing their concerns to me.
omg the estranged ex-wife and unfinished divorce thing was the HUGEST wedge in our relationship, I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy. he’s not over it at all :’(
I'm sorry you had to experience that \*hugs\*. I will never again enter into a relationship with someone with a separated spouse, or with someone who is not 1000% over their ex. 😐
Thank you! Returning those hugs, I’m sorry you had to go through the same. There was an abundance of love between us but the grief from his previous relationship (which overlapped with ours) burned a huge hole in it. I got extremely depressed and stopped showing up for him properly which made it worse.
I hate that I still want us to reconcile but my gut tells me to wait at least a year— maybe longer. He needs all kinds of time to sort this shit out.
It is probably unlikely, yes. But definitely not impossible for a person who is self-aware, and who desires to improve themselves, and who actively chooses healing & love instead of dysfunction & pain. These people may be rare, but they do exist. It only takes emotional courage, and at this point, having emotional courage is a required trait for anyone who wants to be with me. I promise to deliver the same courage and consistency as well.
My ex told me he knew I still loved him and would take him back if he asked. He won’t for many reasons. But I didn’t want to admit it because he doesn’t deserve that so I said something like, well that’s not realistic, I’d be suspicious all the time, never letting you forget what you did and wanting to go through your crap whenever I felt the need to. He said that would be fine, he’d let me, he’d think it was cute because he can’t get mad at me. So I said it wouldn’t work because “I” don’t want to live that way. Which is true. But it’s also true I still love him and probably would take him back and would hate myself and my life feeling that way. It’s a lose-lose situation.
I think we legit would have to go to therapy, my relationship was actually amazing in my eyes up until the out of nowhere breakup, and I don’t think I could continue without knowing what really went down, why, and what was done while we were apart.
Nothing mine came back and she lied and was cheating still. Nothing changed, she said she would but didn’t. That led me to drinking again and down the hole we both fell. Not worth it
I'm sure glad y'all are blameless. I would just accept and try my best to not demand anything be done. Wrap her in my arms and slowly ease back into what we both need from each other with a very compromising mindset. We've both hurt each other. Not saying it's her fault it's 99.9 percent mine but how is that fair to get what you need only? 2 wrongs don't make a right. But not like it matter she's apparently long gone.
I dont think anyone is saying they are blameless.
Two people need to work on a relationship in order to make it work.
But if both parties are willing to fix it, of course you’ll need to sit down together and discuss openly and maturely what your needs are.
I’m also mostly to blame for my relationship ending, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have things he needs to work on
Not sure who's who on here, so sorry if your not her. I was always willing to work on it. Had i got a chance at more than one phone call before i was blocked she might have seen that. But the past is the past, and you're absolutely right I have a lot of work and I'm doing. It doesn't come overnight like you know but I started the steps and there's no turning back I'm doing what I got to do. It's too late I guess I'll have to accept that but I didn't know I had a time on it. I know I don't want it to end That's the one thing I'm 100% sure of but at this point it's not my decision
Honestly nothing, I’m a completely different person as a result of his abuse. The work that I put in healing the parts of me he broke is worth more to me than rekindling things with him. He could become the man of my dreams and I still wouldn’t be able to trust him again
Seeing that they matured, worked on themselves, drugfree lifestyle, an self reflective apology on the relationship and how they want to improve it and themselves to make it work
I (now f29) was with him (now m30) 7 years ago, he had a alcohol problem (me too at the time), a very toxic relationship. I matured so much the last years! Personalwise and I'm sober. I saw him last year again, he didn't change. Still a alcohol problem, and still blames me for the ending of the relationship, he didn't change a bit actually. It's sad, he is a good guy I know it, but no one can help him, only himself
The thing is sometimes they say what you wanna hear in order to hold onto you for a little longer. Bread crumbing. I know for a fact that my ex would say something that I would want to hear, but they won’t make the effort. I would get excuses like they’re not over their ex. That they need to work on themselves. They don’t want to hurt my emotions but then not even a week later beyond hook up apps. When you realized you been dating an Avoidant, you should really consider AVOIDING THEM FOREVER!!
For him to appreciate me and show some vulnerability. I don’t need an apology per se, but I’d need him to step up and own his actions in a meaningful way.
A honest talk about everything that led to the breakup, a commitment to counseling and the most importantl thing for me would be that she now knows what she feels about me…
Promises? Well i think i would just try and set my boundaries, if her actions doesn‘t match her words then i would go and have my closure with that rl…
Honestly, I’ve been down this road with my ex. Many times actually. I still love her deeply but she has to have proof that she’s working on herself to be better. Not just putting a bandage on it to keep me interested. She had to show me that she’s putting in the work to be better and willing to not only work for herself but for us.
Apologize to my mom. I can see the pain in her eyes seeing me hurt. And show effort this time. If you want to come see me then come over (we were long distance). I’m tired of all the promises he made before that he failed to commit to. So I don’t want promises I want action and him to show me the commitment he has for me. The desire of finally choosing me.
Dang that's tough. I hate how I want them back so badly but at the same time I know I could never fully trust them again so I could never take them back.
Maybe if we reunited spontaneously 10+ years down the road, both still single, and they express genuine regret and demonstrate how they've changed. So yeah, probably not gonna happen!
- An open phone policy at least for the first few months (he was texting behind my back)
- weekly check-ins
- taking things slow in the beginning
- more open communication
There’s only one thing I need and it’s the only thing I’d accept as the price of admission for the gift of my forgiveness.
Come clean.
Come clean to EVERYONE she lied to who are the same people she used those lies to make me look like the bad guy. Answer with complete transparency ALL the questions and concerns that she made no attempt at clarifying and used to make me look like a laughing stock.
She hasn’t the guts, none of them do. They can’t even see in their tiny minds that if they were to do this, they would have a great respect by EVERYONE they try so hard to impress, years of efforts trumped in one fell swoop. They can’t. So I won’t.
So funny how easy it would be for a normal human, so easy. It’s akin to thinking they’ll drown if they take a shower. So stupid.
Long and difficult conversation on all the issues that lead her to break up with me, to show interest in trying to solve this, and either she going to any kind of therapy, or we go to couples therapy.
Communication about wants, needs, desires, spending time together, planning on a future and taking steps to get there. Consideration and respect for what I need and hearing out how to support. Backing up apologies with actions not just words. Following through on what they say they will do. Doing individual work and work on the relationship. Acknowledging and apologizing for past wounds and doing things to show it wont happen again to build trust. Showing that I am a priority and not an option cause they're scared.
Accountability for what she insists she didn't do. She just tells people I'm an insecure, jealous ex. However, it easmt my insecurity that tore us apart, it was HER INFIDELITY.
The woman would NOT take any accountability for her actions, no matter how insignificant. If she feels challenged at all, she goes into full-blown DARVO mode...but she DID cheat & lied & lied & hid the truth & lied by omission & then lied some more. I can work through the truth. I CANNOT handle betrayal.
So...yeah, HONESTY. I want the truth. We need couple's counselling & she needs a complete psych eval.
-SO.... It probably will never happen. I've come to terms with that. I very much love her still...but I think there's a huge chance that the person I fell in love with isn't really in there. That's just one of many parts that break my heart.
Completely own up to his actions and behaviour and show remorse. Get rid of his 2 friends that encouraged his behaviour and breakup and admit to his other friends that he lied about me…..which I know ain’t going to happen.
saying that they’re so sorry for all the hurt they’ve caused me and promising to better communicate their negative feelings in the future and actually making an effort to do that
I really would have taken my ex back, if all the right things were said when he tried to come back.
He barely even tried, just wanted to pick up where we left off and not be held accountable for anything.
10 years, I now totally regret.....I was suicidal over the breakup.
I would need her to come back without loosing everything. I don't want to be the last choice if she has nothing left. I'm gonna need her to come back because she actually missed me. Also, get rid of that new guy.
I don't want them back, but I want the closure of how things ended. I don't want an apology, but for him to admit his wrongs and not just make me take all the blame for how our relationship ended. I admit I did some shit (not to the extent of cheating that's horrible), and I take full accountability for that, and I'm even open to fixing myself because of that, but telling me it's all my fault, I'm too much and when I tried to communicate (even though it was hard af for me because of the environment I grew up in) I just got called a nagger lol.
I don't want him back because I was always there at his lowest, and when it was my turn, he was not here. That's when I realized I could never depend on him, especially in the hardest of times.
Perhaps too much. He’d need to understand he’s adhd and c-ptsd and how it impacts him and he’s relationships. He’d have to validate me. He’d have to get he’s defensiveness under control. He’d have to somehow get my trust back. He’d actually have to make me a priority this time. He’d have to stop gambling and get he’s finances in better shape. But he keeps slinking in without having done any of the work and it’s very draining.
1. A genuine apology for the pain she caused.
2. Move back to town/within easy commuting distance. I was willing to move to be with her for her career, but not after she dumped me.
3. Actively attends therapy to work on her issues.
4. Attends couples therapy with me to work on our relationship.
A real apology. Real acknowledgement. Real accountability for their choices and actions. Genuine remorse.
It would literally be as easy as a sincere expression of "I did you dirty, you didn't deserve that, and whether you forgive me or not- which is your right- I'm sorry for the ways I've damaged you and your life."
It's shocking how even now, all I really wanted was acknowledging I deserved better & that not recieving it was THEIR decision, not mine.
For starters, she dumped me.
1. She hasn’t dated or gone on any kind of date or hook up with anyone.
2. She expresses remorse
3. She’s genuinely willing to have an open mind and figure out how we can grow.
4. She’s taken steps of her own to prepare herself for getting in a relationship with me again
I personally would not take my ex due to his behaviors which I have come to terms that therapy won’t ever help. The only way I would take him back would requiere for him to show me with ACTIONS he wants me back. He must have a house ready, have a ring (promise ring), has to move 30 plus miles to where I am at and search for a place for us both to live and pay together. This is the only way but only in fantasy… in real life even if he had so the above I would decline :)
SIGNIFICANT changes. Some deep introspective therapy to heal from his past and commitment issues. It won’t happen though. I’m pretty sure the guy was using me for 2 years… he didn’t like me very much 😔
A face-to-face apology. We also both need to work on the issues before committing again. If we don't then it will only lead to the same result, and the second time will be even more devastating.
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Anyone else, I wouldn’t but one; I would. After a year and a half while dating, I started wanting someone “more fun” because there was a two-year age gap that felt like 5-10 years cause of how different we were. I was in the party crowd, a sophomore in highschool and she was starting her first semester of college. I really did a number on her from what I hear from mutual friends cause she took me so seriously. I recognize what I did (didn’t cheat just cut things off shitty cause she was so attached and started getting a bit cuckoo.) Before I moved I saw her quite a bit. Hope she’s doing well, with someone more like her. Cheers to everyone moving on to bigger and better
To stop listening to their mother's opinions about everything and making it their pov as well. To see things through their own eyes and not have the same attitude that their mother has. However, like I stated in my previous post (actual post) I'm more or less over this one. It's literally gotten to the point where I'm ok with talking about them, and not missing them.
He always comes back. Whether it’s 5 or 6 or 9 months. He comes back and every time I take him back bc we go NC and when he comes he comes hard promising the starts and the moon. I fall for it every time thinking time has passed for him to change. But all he’s gotten better at is being sneakier with his own secret agenda. Unfortunately I’m one to blame for always taking him back. Wish there was more to what would it take other than broken promises
For me as bad one in my case I'm the one who fucked up and she to this day is being g as helpful as she can be with needed to heal.
If she ever can forgive me that'll be enough for me.. if she decides she wants me in her life and if god says a fuckit I'll help out this time and gives me the chance to have a chance to try again then my whole life would be dedicated to her in both applojie and in making sure she knows that I will never let her feel the way I did that hurt her so badly and that and that I will make it so that every day is one worth smiling in.. I'll do this if she decides to even be my friend again..
My ex dumped me out of the blue saying that he wants to be alone. I was shattered and did all possible to convince him that we could work it out. But then I realized that firstly I need to take care of myself - after 2 weeks of non stop crying,drinking,sleepless nights,not eating and constant overthinking. So I found a hypnotherapist who instead of my therapist started to work on my childhood traumas before my ex. After 2 weeks I feel a lot better - I don’t want him anymore although that sadness is still here. But I am pretty sure that it will fade away soon. We need to love and respect ourselves.
Apologize for his part, be his complete self and stop trying to get me to be someone I'm not. Give me a true chance to make everything right and be happy.
Regain my trust in them. And I’m afraid that’s impossible. I want them to come back so bad, but I’m not sure if I’d ever trust them again. So I’d probably wouldn’t take them back lol. I don’t know anymore
I don’t want mine back. He would have to commit to therapy to address some deep issues with avoidance and fear of commitment/communication/confrontation. Therapy he would never get because he obviously doesn’t see those issues within himself.
Plus he broke up with me in the most cowardly way and I’m not sure if I can look past that… something very icky about a spineless adult man 😅
I would take her back if she has worked on herself and her avoidant behavior. A therapy would be a huge bonus point. We would need to start over again from zero but I'm willing to do so.
A list of things that will never happen. And even if they did, I know myself, and idk if I want to live like that or be that person, but she ruined the trust.
1. Discussing the timeline of when/where she met the other person before leaving.
2. Therapy. She never wants to discuss anything. She's always about "letting it go and moving forward". Avoids anything that has to do with working out problems, so they always come back up.
3. Delete/block the person she monkey-branched to from her phone and social media.
4. Complete transparency when it comes to our phones. She can have my pin. I have nothing to hide and I've never lied to her. Her on the other hand...(Again, I don't want to be that guy, but she ruined the trust)
5. Cutting off the family member(s) she met the new person through. My family loved her. They would chop my balls off if I did to her what she did to me. Nevermind introducing me to someone else. So, that family member of hers is dead to me and cannot be trusted.
6. Having proof of where she is/has been, if she goes out without me. (Again, I said I don't want to be that guy...)
Like I said, things that will never happen, and I don't think I want to be that guy. I just have no idea how else she could be trusted. 14 years down the drain.
They’d have to promise to get therapy at least once a month and be willing to have an adult conversation when something bothers them instead of a fight. No doubt I made mistakes too and I realized it and fixed myself. I wasn’t always the best partner. I’d kill to have her back in my life again
1) I would need a sincere apology from her mother for the disrespectful and closed-minded way she talked to me and my mother, insisting we rush to have a wedding between myself and her daughter after only dating for 10 months. (Me and her daughter are both in our mid 20s at this time) But sadly, I don’t believe that would ever happen.
2) an apology from my ex for pressuring me to propose and rush a wedding bc she felt lost out on the first half of her 20s with her jerk ex husband. (I believe the rushing to get married again also wasn’t helped by her mother sadly)
That they own up to their jealousy and insecurity like I did. And agree to go to therapy and communicate
Near the end she got avoidant and made passive aggressive comments and it caused a lot of anxiety and stress to me but she knew I cared and wanted to date her and that I regretted breaking things off.
I'm hopeful no contact works and she realizes that but we'll see..I would take her back in a heartbeat even if it was toxic ASF
A commitment that it’s a completely fresh start. We ignore what happened in the last relationship and what happened after the break up. It’d take a lot for me to get over, but I’d try. I’ve made so many positive changes to my life that I wasn’t making while together I wouldn’t welcome her back with open arms either. I’d have to really think it over
There is no 2nd chance for her. I don't ever want to date a person with narcissistic personality disorder again. She's been hoovering and breadcrumbing and has been met with pure silence.
To an ex get you back, they (the ex) just have to promise (you) what you want to hear from them (ex). It's similar to political campaigning. Most often we believe the party that says what we want to hear.
You don't need a change in behavior only.
You need to see a permanent change in his/her behavior (attitude).
Unlease you see a change some more permanente in his/her behaviior, you should keep away from him/her, and process your own "healing", this is, your move.on.change in your attitude.
Is the change in the attitude (not only, occasionally, on behavior) that will ultimately being you the joy of "finally you're moving on".
Just to clear things up:
Behavior is different from Attitude. Attitude is permanent. Behavior is situation dependant.
A visa not dependent on us getting married immediately.
A full-time job.
Basically demonstrating that we can support each other vs. me supporting us both.
Respect (not just tolerance) of my religious beliefs.
Respecting that my family is of equal importance to his.
In order for me to even sneeze in her direction, she would need to publicly apologize, not on social media but in front of all of the people that she looked up to, with a detailed explanation of her actions and behaviours, and why she believes that she deserves anything after the mess she made at the end of our marriage.
She is incredibly manipulative, and ticks enough boxes that I suspect she's a covert narcissist, but that's speculation based on what an entitled little snot she became at the end of our marriage.
For reference, she would need to apologize to me in front of her family and mentors that she cheated on me, attempted to alienate me, gaslit me to hell & back with outright lies, and that she exploited me financially. Then used a friend to manipulate me and threatened to involve police as soon as I caught her in a lie.
But in the end, she would need a time machine because unless she can prevent all of the damage that she did, I'll never have respect for her again.
Helping with household tasks / body doubling. Open phone policy and knowing his phone code. Not being so selfish and assuming I want to do something he wants to do (hobbies like hiking, sport, 4x4ing) I would also like am acknowledemt amd apologies for how I was treated.
A commitment to therapy for avoidant behavior.
Yes, if you avoid facing your problems, you’ll keep causing them and in the long run it won’t be beneficial
This. But also because of this I doubt there ever be second chance. Also I think non of my friends or family would approve.
I'll say this. It should not matter what your friends and family think. This relationship is between you and the other person. It's really up to how you feel, you truly know this person, and you know how you felt in your relationship, you know if this person is capable of changes or not, and you know what's needed to make your relationship work. So many people let their friends and family dictate their relationship and choices. Friends and family are good to vent to and have to listen to your problems. But, a lot of the time, they do not give good healthy advice, especially for breakups. Breakups are so complicated and complex. Obviously, they want the best for you, but most of the time, they are biased and also hurting for you. If a dumpee and dumper know how to handle a breakup properly in a healthy way then there actually is a very high chance to make things work again. But in a majority of cases both parties either don't or only 1 handles things properly. Both people need to detach and heal. Both people need to reflect, take responsibility for their mistakes, look into their mental health, and make changes. Doing this allows for a healthy, strong reconciliation that can strengthen your new relationship to another level. But again, both people need to be in this same boat, but because of how bad the advice is online and given by those around them, this is more likely to not happen, which is unfortunate. I hear of so many breakups that are fixable if there is commitment to self growth and change, but people just don't know how to deal with such complex situations.
Fax
100% I don’t want mine to come back. But I was answering the question of what would be the minimum to even consider it.
To be fair I miss mine everyday. I miss our life but he just trow me away with a “ I am not ready for a relationship, just slipped into it” after 18months ( we lived together in his country with all my pets over a year) I heard also : it’s me not you, I need to work on myself bla bla bla. He refuses to talk to me or about me right now. I became the enemy…. It’s his birthday today. Can’t decide to write him or not tomorrow… we are no contact almost 2months
I would advise you not to write him at all. Avoidants need space to feel the pain of the loss that they chose. If you want any chance at reconciliation. Leave him alone. He asked for distance to work on himself. Love him from a distance and honor that request.
Yeah. I think it was all just excuses. I don’t think he really lived me, he said he wasn’t in love, but there is love. He only told me “love you” when he was drunk or high. He seams to be moved on just fine from afar. Got himself busy with projects and maybe even someone new ( or another ex). He needs therapy but for that he would need to look into a mirror and not hate the mirror ( me)… But I also need therapy.
❤️ We ALL need therapy. Life is hard.
sounds like he is suppressing his emotions and is afraid of them. alcohol amd weed tend to make emotions surface up. if it helps you to think he didn't love you, all the power to you. doesn't sound like he didn't, though, from my limited viewpoint and all.
Yeah, this is something I wanted to believe myself initially… but he also said he doesn’t believe in love. He did treat me very generously ( but he has no financial worries at all) however at times very mean… I believe he was just at times tried to create distance between us. As you say hiding from his emotions. He would do this with all kind off manors at an exact clockwork fashion of every 3weeks. Or after every social event or holiday. He is a good man but a mess inside and he is trying to outrun himself. He is upset of me because I showed him a mirror how most of his social cercols are superficial. Typical fearful avoidant. It is sad because we had everything in theory to have a good life together, we made a very good team
>A commitment to therapy for avoidant behavior. Good luck trying to get that to happen 🙄. Smh.
Also thinking about bringing up therapy if my avoidant ex comes back. She's not aware she's an avoidant tho, not sure better to say let's go to couples therapy and let therapist tell her or say straight up your an avoidant and need to go to a therapist which think would be harder to get her to accept?
That’s really hard. She is not your responsibility. If an avoidant comes back, it’s like interacting with a toddler. You have to take it so slow because they don’t trust you or their own feelings. The likelihood that they would be open to listening to your feedback is low. It’s probably going to have to be something vague about their behavior and being able to have hard conversations sometimes. And working your way into them considering therapy. Most just aren’t emotionally mature enough to handle hard stuff.
I hear you, she really is like a toddler. Only wants what she can't have. When she completely had me she didn't want it, I always had to play this annoying game of forcing myself not to get too close or show too much interest to not push her away. I thought if i was patient enough with her she would evenutally open up her heart trust and let me in completely but just when started to think that was happening after almost a year of dating, got blindsided dumped. I really do think now impossible to have a healthy relationship with an avoidant, unless they seriously work on themselves which is not high chance.
Yes. You don’t really want to be with someone like that. That’s how I finally healed. Why am I chasing a selfish and immature child?
Spot on, selfish immature child sums them up perfectly.
Ditto
dhgrajdjwkdhekakjdksdhskdh my soul is burning i cant believe how many of us are fucking drowining in the same boat
Right! It makes me feel better knowing there are others out there, but it also makes me feel sad knowing too…
Yep this
100%
This too.
🤣😂 I’m a dismissive avoidant and my anxious (disorganized?)ex dumped me last year………and I have been working on my boundaries (he said he want me to work on this),healing my attachment,working on my codependency issues and in therapy. I hope you are doing okay.
I was quite literally going to post this. Very revealing how this is the top comment too!
If my ex came back, i would take them back. Honestly, i worked on myself and i am ready to restart everything from scratch. To reattract each other, to redate each other. They need to promise to stay no matter what. No leaving. No giving up just him and i against everything else
I was at that point as well but honestly she didn’t want to put in the work.
Why wouldn’t she want to put in the work? If you loved each other. What’s more important than trying to be with someone we love
Ultimately, she resisted holding herself accountable for anything. Her overall sense of entitlement had her believing that while she loved me, she had already done enough.
What did you end up doing?
I set boundaries and stuck with them.
Go on please, for those of us in similar circumstances and looking for the right way to go about it
Basically, I stood my ground in setting boundaries. What those boundaries are to you depends upon your own personal experience and beliefs. One boundary that I set was that I was no longer going to let her DARVO me anymore. She didn’t have to take accountability for her behavior but I wasn’t going to let her flip it back on me. So whenever we had a conversation and she would try to flip it back to me, I would stop her and say that I won’t allow it and redirect the conversation back to what we were talking about. Eventually, she’d just rage quit and nothing would change but at least I stood up for myself.
those are some impossible conditions for a relationship
A lobotomy
This made me laugh more than it should have. 😂 😶🌫️
A apology,and I don’t mean pin a phine apology I mean catch a plane and coke to be and beg for me back and my forgiveness showing me they really want me that means they gotta work for my love again.
We’re effectively strangers again. I miss him so fucking much but I could not tolerate that slow fade bullshit and disrespect again. I’d need a genuine and meaningful sense of understanding from him about what happened, the impact of the situation upon me and a commitment to respecting each other in good and tough times otherwise I’d expect the same and be salty AF and how would that make anyone happy 😅 I ofc miss the sexual element but I miss the connection more and I’ve felt very emotionally raw and exposed since he left. I don’t think I’m the same person now and I expect he has also changed. For good or worse who knows. Words are hollow, actions show intent.
That’s very well said. God bless you.
For him to admit that he was also wrong, not just me. To take accountability for his actions. Realize that compromises aren't just focused on his happiness and I shouldn't follow him blindly. Acknowledge my feelings and make a conscience effort to make me feel like he cares about my life instead of me heading to him and always being involved in his. Know that is fighting doesn't mean he has to avoid it, it means we are communicating and trying to tackle the issue together as a team. I would also need him to realize that I need his support. Most importantly, I'd like for him to put me first instead of making me feel like I have to beg for the bare minimum. I wanted a future with him but I don't want it with an immature boy, a want it with a mature man who doesn't stay confused. Therapy could help him and i would even be willing to go with him. I'm not perfect either.
felt this
This .👆when i got dumped he was kind enough to explain his reasons. Unfortunately it was all about my faults and why I wasn’t good enough for him. He is probably the best person I have known, but he is/was stubborn as hell, and couldn’t cope when things weren’t perfect. I was his first girlfriend and he is 37 - which I think says a lot.
A genuine desire to be with me. A commitment on: -Communicating their feelings and emotions correctly and not hide your emotions. -Not abandoning the relationship out of nowhere as it were nothing. -When things start to falter, work on it by communicating things efficiently, as adults. -Entering therapy to manage their feelings, heal their avoidant traumas. And I have to see that you are progressing or at least let know how you are doing during therapy. Any other LIMIT that you want to set that seem important to YOU. And my love will not be unconditional anymore. As soon as you see a pattern is repeating, I'm going to let you know that I'd be leaving And with all this.. I'm still not sure I'd take them back. I would have never treated this person as she treated me.
This for me. I have lost all trust in my ex-best friend so I would really need to see the proof that she is actually promising to work on herself to do this.
Absolutely nothing bec I don’t take back trash.
Amen
He could show up a millionaire and give it all to me and I still would slam the door in his face. No way in hell I would put myself and my family though his nonsense, EVER AGAIN 😑
Good for you. 🏆
Never EVER! He put me through hell but I survived.
Therapy or stop drinking. An apology. He’s hurt me bad twice already, and was so disrespectful so I don’t know if it would ever work again. My ex before that, same. An apology for pushing and hitting me. My ex husband - that will never happen but we can be friends. 3 boyfriends in the last 14 years. I’m so almost done
No. I love him, but he doesn’t love me. Not to drop me like he did. So No.
Probably a castration
No second chances. No friendship. No keeping in touch. Whether I have moved on or not, they have healed or not, that is a storm that I have passed. People... including ourselves...are very easy to fall back into unhealthy patterns of the past, as they still fit us like a glove and we have pre-existing excuses. With time, we realise romantic, platonic or family, once we realize we are the ones making effort or we are not valued or repeatedly bearing the brunt of the relationship, it is better to take a step back, or several steps (as many as possible) and see them with clearer lens
Gold. 🥇
I would say, she needs to provide answers why she left? and why changed her mind ? I need to know why she left all of a sudden without me realizing it was coming. I need to know what made her say "i love u and i miss u" in the first place, hen 2 months later she doesn't want to give us a chance anymore? what did u mean by saying "i am not a leader for her" I need to know what situations i placed her in that made her feel i lacked leadership. I want explanations justification and she needs to promise that she will always communicate with me wheneve she feels that her doubts about me are being Triggered. and I need to take ownership of the cruel discarding behavior she showed me and promise her heart to never treat me like that ever again
To have my memory zapped lmao bc I would never forget
An apology and for her to communicate her side of the story before I make a decision.
Absolutely nothing. This is part of moving on. Once you close that door and that chapter of your life, you create the space for other things and other people to enter.
I’d need forgiveness. I failed to listen. I spoke to convince (a nice way of saying I dismissed her feelings, insecurity, fears). When I paused that rhetoric, I spoke to defend myself rather than to resolve. I detached emotionally to prepare for her detachment…which may have not even been a real thing had I stayed emotionally present. Her silence, withdraw in disagreements seemingly triggered my own insecurities causing a lot of defense mechanisms that I did not realize I even had in my toolbox. Sure, I’d like her to be more vulnerable, patient, talk vs shut down, but can’t dilute the truth/answer to this simple question: did I offer a safe space for that in those last months? I did not. Hindsight and all that jazz. it’s easy to assign blame in the abusive, cheating relationships…but when you have two people in love, trying to be true to themselves and to the other and it fails, all you’ve got is a lot of self reflection and growth ahead. So, yeah, I would need forgiveness, her to be able to offer it. I often wonder if anger/blame would be easier to process than the regret/responsibility. I’m living my life…putting it together but with more than 8 months of breakup, 14 months of not seeing her face, and 5 months of no contact…I’m still in love with her. I’ve loved her most of my life, it is just a part of me at this point. However, shaking off the “in” love part, that would be helpful. Missing her everyday is hard. Sometimes you run out of do overs.
I would need to feel a change and an openness to them. I hope I get the opportunity
That’s never happening. I can’t deal with that twice 😵💫
Lol, he came back. But he doesnt know explicitly what he wants so its hard to know what i want. And i dont know what to feel.
Be careful and keep your cards close.
I'm not sure this will happen but assuming it's an *if*, we agreed to therapy sessions before dating again to see if rekindling things would be the most appropriate idea and I would hope they have created healthy boundaries with their family. Lastly, they would have to be in it till "death do us part". If things do become rocky in the future, I just expect commitment to work it out with me to find a compromised solution, no matter what it takes.
A commitment to therapy and AA meetings (for all the abuse I had to endure that he doesn’t remember doing because he was drunk)
can't. betrayals are hard to forgive.
Apologies back up with matching actions. Promise to work on himself. Promise many many things.
I would need to have amnesia to have forgotten he existed and all the things he did. Or be brainwashed. Or really savage, heartless and want revenge to mess with him back without getting hurt again. Thankfully I am in my right mind and grateful for a peaceful life without him!
A time machine
Will never take her back. It‘s just another time waste/disappointment
Fuck no, she broke up with during my exam month and I almost didn't pass and would have had to take an extra semester in engineering.
Patience. I would take my ex back because I think she is a good person and we had good chemistry together. But hardest part in our relationship was the was the distance so it makes it harder to see each other all the time in addition to me being and school and building my career I think it would be hard to juggle all of that. Also if there was a situation in the relationship were she was feeling unhappy I’d want her to address it with me without feeling guilty.
Accountability, but to be honest once it’s done in my opinion it’s well. done. I know it’s just a hypothetical but they’d have to undergo treatment and have some true realization like the kinda that makes you do a 180. Still though there’s greener grasses if it was meant to be it would’ve been. It does make me ruminate with joy if that were to happen, the perfect love story but it’s not:(. We all gotta keep our hearts true and take care of ourselves and let the ones that hurt us go for both our sakes
You guys should make your own subreddit called waitingonmyex
he wouldn’t come back because he doesn’t love me like that anymore, but hypothetically speaking we would need to talk about how the situation was handled when he broke up with me. I would be willing to reconcile with him, because while the majority of the issues were because of me, a lot of them could’ve been avoided if he told me how he really felt. Our communication was great until it wasn’t. I do still love & care for him & wish him the best even if it isn’t with me.
I love him i always will. But i wont take him back. The trust has gone, and i know no matter how much i want him that once that has been broken there is no going back. Plus my Mum would kill me!
Just a platonic friendship. Simple, firm boundaries, no drama. So that we can live peacefully in this life. No heavy feelings, no heavy baggage to carry around. We're not compatible romantically. But I think we can be good as friends. That's what matters. At least someone to talk, different perspective and share wisdom when something is bothering/bugging my mind.
- A sincere apology for their wishy-washy and dismissive behavior - Either divorced or in the process of divorcing the wife they've been separated from for years (as this is the source of a lot of their trauma). - A commitment to therapy for their trauma, attachment style, and anger. - To verbalize what they want from me and what they want for themselves. I need them to be decisive about whether they want a platonic friendship or a romantic relationship with me, and understand that I will enforce a strict "friends only" emotional & physical barrier b/w us in the case of platonic friendship. No exceptions. - The understanding that THEY will need to take the lead in reestablishing trust b/w us because they are responsible for breaking the trust in our relationship. - The mental strength to listen to my concerns without losing their shit and projecting their guilt onto me. - Willingness to communicate openly and honestly, including telling me about any concerns they have regarding my actions or responses during the relationship/breakup. I'm not perfect, and I'm willing to listen to them tell me exactly why I'm not perfect. I want them to know that I don't think I'm above reproach, and that they are safe bringing their concerns to me.
omg the estranged ex-wife and unfinished divorce thing was the HUGEST wedge in our relationship, I wouldn’t wish this shit on my worst enemy. he’s not over it at all :’(
I'm sorry you had to experience that \*hugs\*. I will never again enter into a relationship with someone with a separated spouse, or with someone who is not 1000% over their ex. 😐
Thank you! Returning those hugs, I’m sorry you had to go through the same. There was an abundance of love between us but the grief from his previous relationship (which overlapped with ours) burned a huge hole in it. I got extremely depressed and stopped showing up for him properly which made it worse. I hate that I still want us to reconcile but my gut tells me to wait at least a year— maybe longer. He needs all kinds of time to sort this shit out.
This sounds like an impossible project.
It is probably unlikely, yes. But definitely not impossible for a person who is self-aware, and who desires to improve themselves, and who actively chooses healing & love instead of dysfunction & pain. These people may be rare, but they do exist. It only takes emotional courage, and at this point, having emotional courage is a required trait for anyone who wants to be with me. I promise to deliver the same courage and consistency as well.
I would forgive her even if she stabbed me in the back; the problem is, she won’t forgive me.
A lot of therapy. Probably something inpatient. Then accepting accountability for his actions and behaviors. None of this will ever happen.
More face to face communication
My ex told me he knew I still loved him and would take him back if he asked. He won’t for many reasons. But I didn’t want to admit it because he doesn’t deserve that so I said something like, well that’s not realistic, I’d be suspicious all the time, never letting you forget what you did and wanting to go through your crap whenever I felt the need to. He said that would be fine, he’d let me, he’d think it was cute because he can’t get mad at me. So I said it wouldn’t work because “I” don’t want to live that way. Which is true. But it’s also true I still love him and probably would take him back and would hate myself and my life feeling that way. It’s a lose-lose situation.
A psychological study for abusing my dog
I think we legit would have to go to therapy, my relationship was actually amazing in my eyes up until the out of nowhere breakup, and I don’t think I could continue without knowing what really went down, why, and what was done while we were apart.
He would need to got to jail and never come back out , so in other words it ain’t happening
I can't.
Nothing mine came back and she lied and was cheating still. Nothing changed, she said she would but didn’t. That led me to drinking again and down the hole we both fell. Not worth it
I'm sure glad y'all are blameless. I would just accept and try my best to not demand anything be done. Wrap her in my arms and slowly ease back into what we both need from each other with a very compromising mindset. We've both hurt each other. Not saying it's her fault it's 99.9 percent mine but how is that fair to get what you need only? 2 wrongs don't make a right. But not like it matter she's apparently long gone.
I dont think anyone is saying they are blameless. Two people need to work on a relationship in order to make it work. But if both parties are willing to fix it, of course you’ll need to sit down together and discuss openly and maturely what your needs are. I’m also mostly to blame for my relationship ending, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have things he needs to work on
Not sure who's who on here, so sorry if your not her. I was always willing to work on it. Had i got a chance at more than one phone call before i was blocked she might have seen that. But the past is the past, and you're absolutely right I have a lot of work and I'm doing. It doesn't come overnight like you know but I started the steps and there's no turning back I'm doing what I got to do. It's too late I guess I'll have to accept that but I didn't know I had a time on it. I know I don't want it to end That's the one thing I'm 100% sure of but at this point it's not my decision
Honestly nothing, I’m a completely different person as a result of his abuse. The work that I put in healing the parts of me he broke is worth more to me than rekindling things with him. He could become the man of my dreams and I still wouldn’t be able to trust him again
I would need more than just words, I would need the actions to back up those words.
Seeing that they matured, worked on themselves, drugfree lifestyle, an self reflective apology on the relationship and how they want to improve it and themselves to make it work I (now f29) was with him (now m30) 7 years ago, he had a alcohol problem (me too at the time), a very toxic relationship. I matured so much the last years! Personalwise and I'm sober. I saw him last year again, he didn't change. Still a alcohol problem, and still blames me for the ending of the relationship, he didn't change a bit actually. It's sad, he is a good guy I know it, but no one can help him, only himself
The thing is sometimes they say what you wanna hear in order to hold onto you for a little longer. Bread crumbing. I know for a fact that my ex would say something that I would want to hear, but they won’t make the effort. I would get excuses like they’re not over their ex. That they need to work on themselves. They don’t want to hurt my emotions but then not even a week later beyond hook up apps. When you realized you been dating an Avoidant, you should really consider AVOIDING THEM FOREVER!!
A long talk about everything “
For him to appreciate me and show some vulnerability. I don’t need an apology per se, but I’d need him to step up and own his actions in a meaningful way.
Therapy for his paranoia. an apology, admitting he was wrong and for him to confess to my former friends that he was lying.
She would never earn her spot back but in an alternate universe if i said yes, she would've got rid of her cheatint and manipulative behavior.
I wouldn’t take my ex back even if we were the last 2 people on Earth
Direct Communication and understanding. That’s mainly it.
I don’t know honestly. I can’t answer that question.
a willingness to work on their communication issues
A honest talk about everything that led to the breakup, a commitment to counseling and the most importantl thing for me would be that she now knows what she feels about me… Promises? Well i think i would just try and set my boundaries, if her actions doesn‘t match her words then i would go and have my closure with that rl…
Honestly, I’ve been down this road with my ex. Many times actually. I still love her deeply but she has to have proof that she’s working on herself to be better. Not just putting a bandage on it to keep me interested. She had to show me that she’s putting in the work to be better and willing to not only work for herself but for us.
Apologize to my mom. I can see the pain in her eyes seeing me hurt. And show effort this time. If you want to come see me then come over (we were long distance). I’m tired of all the promises he made before that he failed to commit to. So I don’t want promises I want action and him to show me the commitment he has for me. The desire of finally choosing me.
He’s fearful avoidant. I have no hope. But if something were to happen - months of therapy and reading and learning to back his promises up.
An apology.
Willing to commit to therapy, and full emotional transparency. There’s no reason you should feel like you need to hide your feelings from me.
Proof of commitment and communication on a consistent enough basis to earn my trust again
Dang that's tough. I hate how I want them back so badly but at the same time I know I could never fully trust them again so I could never take them back. Maybe if we reunited spontaneously 10+ years down the road, both still single, and they express genuine regret and demonstrate how they've changed. So yeah, probably not gonna happen!
- An open phone policy at least for the first few months (he was texting behind my back) - weekly check-ins - taking things slow in the beginning - more open communication
Better communication, and maybe even deleting IG.
Therapy
There’s only one thing I need and it’s the only thing I’d accept as the price of admission for the gift of my forgiveness. Come clean. Come clean to EVERYONE she lied to who are the same people she used those lies to make me look like the bad guy. Answer with complete transparency ALL the questions and concerns that she made no attempt at clarifying and used to make me look like a laughing stock. She hasn’t the guts, none of them do. They can’t even see in their tiny minds that if they were to do this, they would have a great respect by EVERYONE they try so hard to impress, years of efforts trumped in one fell swoop. They can’t. So I won’t. So funny how easy it would be for a normal human, so easy. It’s akin to thinking they’ll drown if they take a shower. So stupid.
Long and difficult conversation on all the issues that lead her to break up with me, to show interest in trying to solve this, and either she going to any kind of therapy, or we go to couples therapy.
Communication about wants, needs, desires, spending time together, planning on a future and taking steps to get there. Consideration and respect for what I need and hearing out how to support. Backing up apologies with actions not just words. Following through on what they say they will do. Doing individual work and work on the relationship. Acknowledging and apologizing for past wounds and doing things to show it wont happen again to build trust. Showing that I am a priority and not an option cause they're scared.
A face to face discussion. I’d need to feel her energy
An acknowledgement, an apology, and confirmation of starting weekly psychotherapy. Even then I would be reluctant.
A STD test . Then we can Fuck with no strings
A severe TBI on my part
Accountability for what she insists she didn't do. She just tells people I'm an insecure, jealous ex. However, it easmt my insecurity that tore us apart, it was HER INFIDELITY. The woman would NOT take any accountability for her actions, no matter how insignificant. If she feels challenged at all, she goes into full-blown DARVO mode...but she DID cheat & lied & lied & hid the truth & lied by omission & then lied some more. I can work through the truth. I CANNOT handle betrayal. So...yeah, HONESTY. I want the truth. We need couple's counselling & she needs a complete psych eval. -SO.... It probably will never happen. I've come to terms with that. I very much love her still...but I think there's a huge chance that the person I fell in love with isn't really in there. That's just one of many parts that break my heart.
Completely own up to his actions and behaviour and show remorse. Get rid of his 2 friends that encouraged his behaviour and breakup and admit to his other friends that he lied about me…..which I know ain’t going to happen.
saying that they’re so sorry for all the hurt they’ve caused me and promising to better communicate their negative feelings in the future and actually making an effort to do that
That’s between her and her daughter and me I rather be singal and live my own life what ever that might be
I really would have taken my ex back, if all the right things were said when he tried to come back. He barely even tried, just wanted to pick up where we left off and not be held accountable for anything. 10 years, I now totally regret.....I was suicidal over the breakup.
Couples therapy, assurance (assuring one another), building our lives anew
I would need her to come back without loosing everything. I don't want to be the last choice if she has nothing left. I'm gonna need her to come back because she actually missed me. Also, get rid of that new guy.
I don't want them back, but I want the closure of how things ended. I don't want an apology, but for him to admit his wrongs and not just make me take all the blame for how our relationship ended. I admit I did some shit (not to the extent of cheating that's horrible), and I take full accountability for that, and I'm even open to fixing myself because of that, but telling me it's all my fault, I'm too much and when I tried to communicate (even though it was hard af for me because of the environment I grew up in) I just got called a nagger lol. I don't want him back because I was always there at his lowest, and when it was my turn, he was not here. That's when I realized I could never depend on him, especially in the hardest of times.
Perhaps too much. He’d need to understand he’s adhd and c-ptsd and how it impacts him and he’s relationships. He’d have to validate me. He’d have to get he’s defensiveness under control. He’d have to somehow get my trust back. He’d actually have to make me a priority this time. He’d have to stop gambling and get he’s finances in better shape. But he keeps slinking in without having done any of the work and it’s very draining.
1. A genuine apology for the pain she caused. 2. Move back to town/within easy commuting distance. I was willing to move to be with her for her career, but not after she dumped me. 3. Actively attends therapy to work on her issues. 4. Attends couples therapy with me to work on our relationship.
A fresh start, the capacity to change for the better, and some therapy
A real apology. Real acknowledgement. Real accountability for their choices and actions. Genuine remorse. It would literally be as easy as a sincere expression of "I did you dirty, you didn't deserve that, and whether you forgive me or not- which is your right- I'm sorry for the ways I've damaged you and your life." It's shocking how even now, all I really wanted was acknowledging I deserved better & that not recieving it was THEIR decision, not mine.
To stop cheating on me… um drunk but she did.
nothing, I don’t want them back anymore. We were right for each other.
Something that they’re not willing to give or capable of giving
Their last name day one with a prenup in my favor, apologize to family and friends.
A million dollars.
Remorse and to fess up to anything she’s ever lied to me about
They would have to die and come back in a different form. New personality, new face, new name
For starters, she dumped me. 1. She hasn’t dated or gone on any kind of date or hook up with anyone. 2. She expresses remorse 3. She’s genuinely willing to have an open mind and figure out how we can grow. 4. She’s taken steps of her own to prepare herself for getting in a relationship with me again
-Therapy -Reevaluation of who they associate with
I personally would not take my ex due to his behaviors which I have come to terms that therapy won’t ever help. The only way I would take him back would requiere for him to show me with ACTIONS he wants me back. He must have a house ready, have a ring (promise ring), has to move 30 plus miles to where I am at and search for a place for us both to live and pay together. This is the only way but only in fantasy… in real life even if he had so the above I would decline :)
SIGNIFICANT changes. Some deep introspective therapy to heal from his past and commitment issues. It won’t happen though. I’m pretty sure the guy was using me for 2 years… he didn’t like me very much 😔
Pay me back, go to therapy, commit to at least a bare minimum amount of daily contact. (long distance)
A lobotomy.
Anger management and some kind of help for substance abuse. Which neither would ever happen. Lost cause.
Helll to the noo
A face-to-face apology. We also both need to work on the issues before committing again. If we don't then it will only lead to the same result, and the second time will be even more devastating.
My owner matter unfortunately for my situation…. My ex left and for good reasons if I showed up just by coincidence she would think I stalked her friends n family in line or I legit camped out in her yard spying on her … ie been in therapy the month she dumped for my verbal abuse and mentally,and emotionally games of back and form hate word smoke would even say to they sworn enemies I said things no man shou say to to a women he claimed he loved so I can understandable side with her it jay sucks cuz I’ve heard from one old coworker that she has jsut gotten into Therapy idk I dot think she ever thought she don’t even one tbh g wrong I jsut re Ever always felt hot hearing g like I was the pathological liar everything g I said was made up or wrong the way I retold y Situations…. I’ll put it this way looking back at I strongly believe my ex is I capable of feelings showning Even a 1/4 of what “normal” ppls show with their love and affection and I get it I def can see how she claims I gaslight her. It the I ti W I even said tbh ha negative about her was whengutons were pushed and we knowing I had the emotional and mental c Can pacify of a 10 years of she is old yet W to go right To the extreme of me turning tou gab hand and out going into ther won’t host namesleslie. And iknow for a guy I’m more overly wa affectionate than she even was comfortable with but I digress. I at this pint I can’t get her in untangle my head my Thoughts my Deanna and hope still find the Self leading me bd m Toni ok ha okay get cu she’s changed Menominee and w nap many ways a forever. E grateful to her acct that start in my t Change I jsut really wish she would beg or cherish and Eli e above r The man she put so much effort it or helping become the best self hepol is talking l I ca take are y looooking gm o. Our really really bad actions d expertise a we did get to do with each other and cry over happiness instead on the horrific words I chair Tony and family but the yhire belly in a I wished about her o destroyed a beautiful women soul :(
Anyone else, I wouldn’t but one; I would. After a year and a half while dating, I started wanting someone “more fun” because there was a two-year age gap that felt like 5-10 years cause of how different we were. I was in the party crowd, a sophomore in highschool and she was starting her first semester of college. I really did a number on her from what I hear from mutual friends cause she took me so seriously. I recognize what I did (didn’t cheat just cut things off shitty cause she was so attached and started getting a bit cuckoo.) Before I moved I saw her quite a bit. Hope she’s doing well, with someone more like her. Cheers to everyone moving on to bigger and better
I would need early dementia BecUse my brain would need to be damaged to go back to that mf
To stop listening to their mother's opinions about everything and making it their pov as well. To see things through their own eyes and not have the same attitude that their mother has. However, like I stated in my previous post (actual post) I'm more or less over this one. It's literally gotten to the point where I'm ok with talking about them, and not missing them.
A priest, a necromancer, and a paranormal expert, not sure in what order. My ex passed away a few years back.
He always comes back. Whether it’s 5 or 6 or 9 months. He comes back and every time I take him back bc we go NC and when he comes he comes hard promising the starts and the moon. I fall for it every time thinking time has passed for him to change. But all he’s gotten better at is being sneakier with his own secret agenda. Unfortunately I’m one to blame for always taking him back. Wish there was more to what would it take other than broken promises
There is no chance. It’s done forever. I’m sincerely hoping not to ever see her or talk to her again.
An apology.
For me as bad one in my case I'm the one who fucked up and she to this day is being g as helpful as she can be with needed to heal. If she ever can forgive me that'll be enough for me.. if she decides she wants me in her life and if god says a fuckit I'll help out this time and gives me the chance to have a chance to try again then my whole life would be dedicated to her in both applojie and in making sure she knows that I will never let her feel the way I did that hurt her so badly and that and that I will make it so that every day is one worth smiling in.. I'll do this if she decides to even be my friend again..
My ex dumped me out of the blue saying that he wants to be alone. I was shattered and did all possible to convince him that we could work it out. But then I realized that firstly I need to take care of myself - after 2 weeks of non stop crying,drinking,sleepless nights,not eating and constant overthinking. So I found a hypnotherapist who instead of my therapist started to work on my childhood traumas before my ex. After 2 weeks I feel a lot better - I don’t want him anymore although that sadness is still here. But I am pretty sure that it will fade away soon. We need to love and respect ourselves.
Apologize for his part, be his complete self and stop trying to get me to be someone I'm not. Give me a true chance to make everything right and be happy.
Regain my trust in them. And I’m afraid that’s impossible. I want them to come back so bad, but I’m not sure if I’d ever trust them again. So I’d probably wouldn’t take them back lol. I don’t know anymore
I don’t want mine back. He would have to commit to therapy to address some deep issues with avoidance and fear of commitment/communication/confrontation. Therapy he would never get because he obviously doesn’t see those issues within himself. Plus he broke up with me in the most cowardly way and I’m not sure if I can look past that… something very icky about a spineless adult man 😅
Therapy for accountability and commitment . Letting go of pride
Her commitment, effort, and her to go to therapy and get her shit in order
Nothing. I've completely moved on now.
Nothing. There's nothing in this world that would make me go back to that hole.
He has tried to come back and I ignored him. I’ve moved onto better.
He had to apologise and admit the stuff that he did. And then maybe I’ll give him a chance. It just depends how he say it and why.
I would take her back if she has worked on herself and her avoidant behavior. A therapy would be a huge bonus point. We would need to start over again from zero but I'm willing to do so.
Never mind, he’s a narcissist.
accountability, therapy for avoidant behavior, & to cut off certain people.
A list of things that will never happen. And even if they did, I know myself, and idk if I want to live like that or be that person, but she ruined the trust. 1. Discussing the timeline of when/where she met the other person before leaving. 2. Therapy. She never wants to discuss anything. She's always about "letting it go and moving forward". Avoids anything that has to do with working out problems, so they always come back up. 3. Delete/block the person she monkey-branched to from her phone and social media. 4. Complete transparency when it comes to our phones. She can have my pin. I have nothing to hide and I've never lied to her. Her on the other hand...(Again, I don't want to be that guy, but she ruined the trust) 5. Cutting off the family member(s) she met the new person through. My family loved her. They would chop my balls off if I did to her what she did to me. Nevermind introducing me to someone else. So, that family member of hers is dead to me and cannot be trusted. 6. Having proof of where she is/has been, if she goes out without me. (Again, I said I don't want to be that guy...) Like I said, things that will never happen, and I don't think I want to be that guy. I just have no idea how else she could be trusted. 14 years down the drain.
They’d have to promise to get therapy at least once a month and be willing to have an adult conversation when something bothers them instead of a fight. No doubt I made mistakes too and I realized it and fixed myself. I wasn’t always the best partner. I’d kill to have her back in my life again
1) I would need a sincere apology from her mother for the disrespectful and closed-minded way she talked to me and my mother, insisting we rush to have a wedding between myself and her daughter after only dating for 10 months. (Me and her daughter are both in our mid 20s at this time) But sadly, I don’t believe that would ever happen. 2) an apology from my ex for pressuring me to propose and rush a wedding bc she felt lost out on the first half of her 20s with her jerk ex husband. (I believe the rushing to get married again also wasn’t helped by her mother sadly)
Nah, no way I'm taking her back
I wouldn’t take them back. I’m not in love with them anymore . I was not attracted to him physically. And I doubt that would ever change
That they own up to their jealousy and insecurity like I did. And agree to go to therapy and communicate Near the end she got avoidant and made passive aggressive comments and it caused a lot of anxiety and stress to me but she knew I cared and wanted to date her and that I regretted breaking things off. I'm hopeful no contact works and she realizes that but we'll see..I would take her back in a heartbeat even if it was toxic ASF
A commitment that it’s a completely fresh start. We ignore what happened in the last relationship and what happened after the break up. It’d take a lot for me to get over, but I’d try. I’ve made so many positive changes to my life that I wasn’t making while together I wouldn’t welcome her back with open arms either. I’d have to really think it over
There is no 2nd chance for her. I don't ever want to date a person with narcissistic personality disorder again. She's been hoovering and breadcrumbing and has been met with pure silence.
To an ex get you back, they (the ex) just have to promise (you) what you want to hear from them (ex). It's similar to political campaigning. Most often we believe the party that says what we want to hear. You don't need a change in behavior only. You need to see a permanent change in his/her behavior (attitude). Unlease you see a change some more permanente in his/her behaviior, you should keep away from him/her, and process your own "healing", this is, your move.on.change in your attitude. Is the change in the attitude (not only, occasionally, on behavior) that will ultimately being you the joy of "finally you're moving on". Just to clear things up: Behavior is different from Attitude. Attitude is permanent. Behavior is situation dependant.
A visa not dependent on us getting married immediately. A full-time job. Basically demonstrating that we can support each other vs. me supporting us both. Respect (not just tolerance) of my religious beliefs. Respecting that my family is of equal importance to his.
A commitment to actually fucking talk to me when something is wrong and not stop trying before even trying.
Therapy. Lots of therapy. And also just a complete reorder of priorities. The man did not live in Reality.
In order for me to even sneeze in her direction, she would need to publicly apologize, not on social media but in front of all of the people that she looked up to, with a detailed explanation of her actions and behaviours, and why she believes that she deserves anything after the mess she made at the end of our marriage. She is incredibly manipulative, and ticks enough boxes that I suspect she's a covert narcissist, but that's speculation based on what an entitled little snot she became at the end of our marriage. For reference, she would need to apologize to me in front of her family and mentors that she cheated on me, attempted to alienate me, gaslit me to hell & back with outright lies, and that she exploited me financially. Then used a friend to manipulate me and threatened to involve police as soon as I caught her in a lie. But in the end, she would need a time machine because unless she can prevent all of the damage that she did, I'll never have respect for her again.
Less coke usage for starters
Helping with household tasks / body doubling. Open phone policy and knowing his phone code. Not being so selfish and assuming I want to do something he wants to do (hobbies like hiking, sport, 4x4ing) I would also like am acknowledemt amd apologies for how I was treated.
OP, What was the situation of your breakup?