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HeftyWhereas6197

Similar situation here. Often they use that as an excuse to get out of the relationship, I learnt that the hard way. Sadly they may be the type of person to need validation and the comfort of a relationship regardless of whom it be with, alternatively they may regret their choice to break up with you but their ego prevents them from coming back.. Whatever reason it may be, you may never find out so remember it’s time to focus on YOU.


Sea_Pianist9837

I dont think it's their ego stopping them from getting back... been the dumper twice and I just really didn't like the guys. Wasn't feeling anything for them.


Musician4229

How long was your relationship with them? Did you tell that loved? Just to understand if they were blindsided.


Sea_Pianist9837

We were an almost relationship. *context am asian* so courtship is a must imo. So no actual bg gf labels going on. It was more of like mutual feelings to start off. 1st guy was a high school friend almost 8 to 10 years of being acquainted. We got so close and fell for each other. But there was something in him that I just don't feel enough loving. 2nd guy is a college friend for almost 5 years. I tried entertaining him, but we didn't really *vibed* no connection at all. It was pure civil and polite talk but I don't feel him enough to be committed with him. They were totally blind sided as I got into a relationship with someone who I blended with well. I told them that I couldn't give the love beyond friendship. And that was it.... But damn, guilt ate me for the succeeding 5 to 8 months. Couldn't sleep kept crying every night that I hurt those guys. But I just couldn't reciprocate....


HeftyWhereas6197

Not disagreeing with your point, I too have dumped a guy and had not gone back for a similar reason. However, at the end of the day everyone’s situation on Reddit is unique and nobody truly knows what the dumper is truly thinking/feeling. I simply gave 2 reasons among many. My point to OP is to forget about WHY they were broken up with but instead focus on HOW to move on.


Sea_Pianist9837

Up for this. I agree u on this. It's not that dumpers are heartless. It's sometimes unfair to those ppl who genuinely loved us but we can't reciprocate for some reason. I always tell those I have dumped that they are worth loving. I just couldn't give the love they think they deserve. Someone will be able to give the the right and proper love they need. It's just not me.


OneForestOne99

Well now you have closure. It hurts a lot at first but now you know. It’s been a month and a half since I came to the conclusion that she really didn’t want to be her own individual like she said. She just wanted to fuck around and see if she could find someone better. Please don’t waste your valuable time on this too much. She doesn’t deserve it. And if you want to be an individual and single for a while, please do. Don’t let this pressure you into getting on those sites. My ex said we needed to be individuals and left me. Turns out I was the one who actually wanted to go it alone, she was just unhappy with life and thought another guy could fix that. She will find out that no guy on the planet can make that emptiness go away because it has nothing to do with the guy she is with. It has everything to do with her “what can you give me attitude”. Your ex will figure this out, just make sure you aren’t there for her when she does. Keep your head up champ, enjoy doing what you want, when you want!


Gamerider4life

Quick question, say they do figure this out later down the line, are you willing to revisit the relationship at any point?


OneForestOne99

No. Some people break up and get back together a lot and that is fine. We were not one of those couples. Once she had broken that trust, it was over. I could never trust her to get bored and leave again. If they did it once they will do it again.


Gamerider4life

Yea I guess, but I do think people can change for the better especially if they are young. Our society doesn’t do a good job of teaching commitment to people these days anyways. Of course your point is very valid, but I have grown and changed in soo many ways that when I look back at myself I sometimes laugh and say I can’t believe I was like that or believed that. I’ve been given not one, two or even three chances before I turned my life around. I personally won’t ever take them back unless they did the hard work that I am doing now, but it’s usually only one person that does that.


[deleted]

I had the same experience, it's seeking for approval and what's 'out there' but if he is male... He is in for a bad reality check. Especially if he doesn't work on himself and his SMV is somehow below 5.5


Caligal116

My ex did this a couple weeks after the BU (not surprising and I was on there too but not doing much). Can you elaborate on this? Are the choices for men equally disappointing (overall of course)?


[deleted]

Depends... If straight man does it then results are dissapointing due to competitive abundance of men on dating sites and let's face it. We have to work on ourselves to increase our value amongst another 100 men. If gay man then I have no idea because I never looked into their world at all...


ads20212

that's not true...at least here in Europe. So many men are gay in my city that there is a shortage of straight men. Someone like my ex situationship who is 5'8' with tattooes, skinny fit can have the hell he wants. Maybe in the in U.S. he would be swiped left at light speed. he's a skilled fuckboy and I wish I could go back in time to have my time saved. but yes I received the "I need time to focus on myself, can't have a relationship now" ahahah


[deleted]

So to this every situation may be different and your may be wildly unique. Dating sites are mostly full of damaged people. I would say 2% of them are looking for something meaningful. Everything else is for self approval, easy sex or just to waste time. And to be honest based on what I am reading he is little bit of a little bitch and scumbag and saying he needs to focus on himself by dumping relationship says to me that he is dog that wants to get his pee pee wet.


arpdubzucc

Which country in Europe if I may ask


ads20212

Spain. I add that he is jobless too, shares a house, does not have a car, never invited me not even for a coffee (when he had a job)...it's the bad copy of a man...but still he's full of women. So you know how bad the situation is here ahahha I want to add that I was dating him because he made me believe he was a nice guy who needed some time and care to open up. Just a fuckboy


arpdubzucc

Fucking hell what a garbage of a man he is ☠️ hope you get your ideal man tho. Good luck!!


ads20212

I deserve it after this scumbag ahahha


Lugie_of_the_Abyss

Idk, sounds cynical but: I've seen a disgusting amount of times where women love horrible men, the worse the better. It's odd, maybe a 'nurturing and fixing' thing, or maybe a 'seeking approval from one who could never give it' type of deal. I know it sounds cliche, whiney, generic. But I really do see it constantly, hard to deny anymore. BUT to be fair, it's usually a symptom exhibited by women who are equally broken/incomplete. I think humans are very flawed, yet we live in a fake world that pretends to be perfect. Just an odd morning for me.


ads20212

You are not wrong. That's why I decided to go to therapy, to understand what's Hella wrong with me to always see smth good where there is just a pile of shit 🤣🤣 also, consider that he introduced to me like this newinthecity solitary guy who had no friends. I didn't know he had an harem. we dated for 2 months before he kissed me...so I thought he was shy/reserved. just a fuckboy. Add to this that my experience with men is very limited, i always give the benefit of the doubt


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Lugie_of_the_Abyss

If you ain't first, you're last. Except for the person who actually jives with everything about you and has been looking specifically for you. So yes, to get 'girls' in general, you have to be hot. To get YOUR girl, you have to be you, and a functioning, preferably better you. Trial, error, and wait.


[deleted]

Lol! I used to think I am average but I’ll tell you it’s all about confidence. At least play your cards right for the first couple of dates. I am 33M, fit maybe, under 6 feet, got a good career ( maybe that helps). Right now, I am just busy enough for bullshit so anxiety and messing up a conversation is out of question. It’s more like I have options I can pick from. But, all I see now is people who have their own selfish agenda or damaged. It’s scary but it takes time. Edit: I am going out on dates with 2 fantastic women who are 5 and 10 years younger than my ex. Pretty, kind and caring with values . It’s only in the beginning(not polygamous). But so far they are amazing to spend time with.


[deleted]

Just work on yourself buddy. Upskill yourself, set routine, work out. Be the best you can be.


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[deleted]

You will get there. Socrates once said - “No man has the right to be an amateur in the matter of physical training. It is a shame for a man to grow old without seeing the beauty and strength of which his body is capable


InteralFortune1

Smv?


[deleted]

Sexual market value


Rough-Carry260

I love how people are still using these cringe terms. It's what makes the west a sad place really.


sheryl8888

My ex considers himself a 9 🙄


[deleted]

Honestly good luck to him... 9 is like Hugh Jackman with lifestyle and money + social status Doubt he got a chiselled face with athletic body


WhyAaatroxWhy

Does this work for gay males too?


[deleted]

Very hard to say.... I would say... Probably not because men act the same in the end.... I haven't done much research. But there is good chance your male ex have very similar power like a single woman in straight world. But I may not be right


WhyAaatroxWhy

He left me, eager to play the market (more “emotionally” than “sexually”). His monkey-branched rebound didn’t last and now he’s desperate because he can’t find anyone (his words). He’s not one of those “goodlooking” gays.


[deleted]

Let me tell you something what I learned hard way. 1. He left you - don't take him back, not yet if ever because unless he grows, he will do it again... 2. Work on yourself to be improved and be better and to attract better men into your life and maybe if he will put some work into himself then even reconsider to rekindle... 3. Rebounds and monkey branching won't work ever. My ex did the same after me and you know what... She monkey branched from her relationship onto me (she was seeing guy once a month for half year). What that will tell you about quality about person. Gay or straight, men are pretty much similar because we are... Just markets are slightly different... I am happy to talk about it more if you want but carefully reconsider everything. Renegade out.


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[deleted]

Okay. Same shit. She will have then 99+ dogs giving her approval. 99+ low value men praise and trying to get into her panties. Why? Because men will swipe on anything. She will get little bit of boost and reality check and will spiral into self destructive behaviour.


ads20212

That's not always the case for women (I'm talking for myself and my female friends), you get 0 validation from these apps, especially when you genuinely want to know someone. The majority of the time the conversation can't go farther than "how are you", many times i start the conversation and I don't get not even a reply. I find them painfully annoying and frustrating . in 3 months I had 2 dates with guys I didn't like ...so how much validation I got? zero because validation is not what I'm looking for. Does it matter how many matches I had if I couldn't get past 1 sentence with 99.9% of them? Also, I know guys swipe right on anything, so what kind of validation is that? I want someone who i like and of course who likes me back, who has not the personality of cardboard, and that's so difficult to find, more for a woman than a man


[deleted]

Sorry for thinking it was male. Apologies my friend.


two_awesome_dogs

Listen. Dumpers will give you a million excuses why they are breaking up. In most cases it's because they are incapable of having a relationship, they have too much ego and need the next fix, they expect the honeymoon stage to last forever, they just wanted to boink, or they can't communicate. "I just want to be alone" - what normal, healthy person wants that? Lie. "I need to work on myself." Lie. Dumpers rarely consider THEIR role in the breakup, that it was THEM with the issue and not the other person. "We're incompatible." Lie. That means they can't accept you for who you are and want someone who ticks every one of their boxes, entertains them 100% of the time, meets every one of their needs all the time and isn't ready to do the work to make the relationship work. Every excuse in the book is exactly that, an excuse. It's another form of "it's not you, it's me." (We all know what that means.) If they dump you, THEY DO NOT DESERVE YOU. They proved they are incapable of having a real relationship and they do not want to do the work it takes to be in one. NO RELATIONSHIP IS EASY. Even ones that are easy in the beginning become not easy. If they're unhappy and you haven't done anything to make them unhappy--if you've been the best man or woman you can be, you have tried to make them happy, and they're still not and they want to go, let them go chase whatever it is they are running after! Let them go! They'll see what they had soon enough but by then, you'll have moved on to a BETTER someone who deserves you. If somoene can walk away from you, let them walk! Look at it this way--everybody before them was a mistake, and everybody after them is an UPGRADE! Don't settle for less than you deserve. If someone can't work with you to fix the relationship, they're going to do the EXACT SAME in the next one. They might seem happy but soon enough, the real them is going to come out. It's not you, it's THEM.


jr-91

My dumper called things off on December 4th. We lived together until February 1st and during that time she constantly emphasised that she doesn't want to date anyone, be with anyone, just wants to focus on herself etc. We crossed paths again 5 weeks later on St Patrick's Day and she'd already been on dating apps and dates lol


bamboleo11

Went thru the same thing. People lie, actions don't. Unmatch with her and move it along. There will be others.


[deleted]

Same here! Lol. She can go to hell after that whole not ready for dating again speech yet changing prompts on dating apps. What a piece of shit.


QueenBitch42069

this is why i’m afraid to get any dating sites. i’m sure he’s probably on them and i don’t want to see him and confirm my fears :(


[deleted]

Even better when you’re together for years and she dumps you and up pops her OK Cupid profile that she lead you to believe she deleted long ago, because you were “the one”…right? And it’s all there exactly the way it was *because she always knew she was gonna need it again*, and didn’t bother to tell you. Except now there’s a couple more photos - new ones - *YOU* took, and a new line she added to the top, describing YOU as an example of what kind of man she’s looking for. *Psychopath* doesn’t even begin to characterize the kind of person who thinks so little of betrayal.


guiltyiv

Holy shit this is my exact situation. She was my dream woman, I swipe left right? Right?


Puhoy1

My 2 year ex gf assured me she's not planning to date any time soon after we broke up. She created a tinder account like 1 week later LOL.


saltyunderwear

i’m in a somewhat similar situation. saw my ex directly gravitate and get extremely close to two girls whom now he’s best friends with, and i’m taking a wild guess he’s going after one or vice versa. i agree with the top commenter. sometimes some people need the validation of being in a relationship, regardless of the actual chemistry they may have with the person. they’re just filling in the gaps that they created when breaking up with you. they thought they could bounce back quickly, but now they’re in a situation where they realize that not everybody is interested in them the way you were. we as humans also have this fucked mindset, and has been proven, you find yourself and others more “market material” while in a relationship. it boosts your ego and gives others the appearance that you’re good relationship material and you’re something that’s currently unattainable. unfortunately we’re more attracted to what’s slightly unattainable. they are just filling the void my friend. the way i look at it, fires that are started the quickest often end the fastest. don’t be fooled when you see a direct rebound. they’re literally just trying to replace you.


[deleted]

Bro dumpers ALWAYS take the easy route. Instant NC


Puzzleheaded_Pea_315

It blows for sure. In my case and in retrospect my ex gf was most likely done well before it was over. Generally speaking they will say whatever is the easiest for them to extract themselves. And look elsewhere if they had not already. Liking the attention and diversion from what they did. None of it really matters..because it’s over. They did not choose us…or the relationship and will do and say anything to make themselves look good and the victim….who deserves a new partner and attention/sympathy. And we are left mourning the loss of what could have been, rather than what it was. In truth I hope she regrets it at some point….but she didn’t have the ability to be self reflective or have empathy. Sucks it ended, but it’s great it wasn’t a lifetime of that relationship. Believe them the first time when they show you who they are. I did not, believing in the best in her, and lost a huge piece of my heart and many valuable years.


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two_awesome_dogs

when they say they feel out of love or lost feelings or whatever other bull, they already had someone in the back pocket.


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thegoat1617

Try 3 weeks


Leeteen

Ouch fuck she sounds mean. I’m in a similar boat myself


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Leeteen

My ex said he couldn’t balance me and his phd program. Then he’s on tindr the week after with his profile having photos I took of him and he told he to share with him a couple days before the break up.


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Leeteen

It’ll be 5 months today so I should let go and that’s what I’m trying to do but it’s hard I still think of him often (basically everyday). He has reached out in weird ways but don’t try to get my mind thinking about why he did that.


ads20212

damn she is a sc4mbag


TEastrise

This happened to me in January of this year. I didn't really see it coming and she said she needed time to figure herself out. She was right back on tinder with updated pictures and bio. She called me one night tipsy to give me a half assed apology and proceeded to tell me how she did coke off a stripper and stripped at a strip club.


[deleted]

It’s always the lies they tell us and themselves that get to me 🤬


One_Fondant5132

Just saw my dumper on tinder today too


Alternative-Point567

Depends what dating site it is but they might just looking to have sex with someone else and you can do that while focusing on yourself. I think at the end of the day when they say they’re not ready for a relationship etc. It more like they don’t want a relationship with you. Ik it’s painful to think so but if they needed time to focus on themselves and you two really loved eachother jt would work through communication and the like. I know it’s painful to confront Bc I’ve been through the same thing. But in my experience the sooner you face the reality of it the easier you will heal and move on. People don’t break up because they need to work on themselves. Unfortunately you’ll probably never get closure the true reason but that’s okay it doesn’t matter. What matters is how you go forward. I know it’s probably paralyzing with thinking about her and all, but rediscover you’re old hobbies before you met her or existing ones. Sign up for something like a marathon and use it as a goal to focus on. Just find something to work towards because that sense of achievement will make you heal a lot faster and make you realize that you’re amazing, driven and someone is lucky to have you. When I did this it made me realize some things I sacrificed for my ex (dumper), and yeah that’s part of every relationship but I gave up too much independence for her. Maybe you’ll find some insight into your past relationship and use to make your next relationship stronger. Just use this as a lesson I suppose, the beauty of being a broken man is that you can rebuild yourself into anything!


Extension_Ad947

Could be worse, mine jumped into another relationship haha. A few bad dates and she'll come running back to you.


Molasses-Tiny

Same bro. I felt this


Hopeful_Frosting_105

I feel like this is almost always what happens when someone says they need space. It hurts, OP. Know the feeling.


Far-Track1167

My ex told me the same thing she told me she needed time to focus on her self as if i was some how preventing her from doing that it was a long distance relationship yeah she changed her status from single to in a relationship on Facebook a month after she dumped me then blocked me even though I didn't contact her so much for needing time to focus on herself


[deleted]

99% of the time “taking a break to focus on myself” = go fuck.


Leeteen

My ex said he couldn’t balance me and his work and was on tinder less than a week later with picture I took of him. That was such a half assed excuse he never gave me the truth….whatever it was.


Bilbodraggindeeznuts

Same thing happened to me like 4ish years ago. Had a breakdown and got off them for awhile. She was posing like she had an OF. Getting off was good for me. Just listen to what you need bro.


kembowhite

Lmao been there. I actually matched with mine. She was blunt and cold when we matched. Days between replies . Conversation only lasted 4 messages. But that’s all I needed to know she wasn’t worth it, a liar and someone who constantly needs validation.


[deleted]

Recently I learned my ex had found someone else only 2 months after our breakup even though he said he wanted to focus on himself to me and everyone else around him, including strangers on the internet. I’m so sorry to hear you’re in a similar situation, it’s awful and never great to hear that. I hope you’ll be alright even if not anytime soon


DylanDaBeastMan

Yea my exe started talking to multiple "guy friends" before we officially split and guess what she started flirting with them so I kicked her out, she dumped me but I kicked her out, hit the gym, don't give 2 fucks about stupid bitch, all they do is waste your time until they realize they can do better, not just woman tho men are like this too, remember though most but not all people arent dick heads, there's someone genuine out there for everybody, I stopped caring I just work on myself now 💯 when the times right she'll come to me whoever it may be 😤 avoid people who constantly seek conversations with new people, they can't be trusted ever


throwmeaway2364563

Not trying to discredit what you feel. You are right to feel this. I just think it’s important to always see both sides. However I have broken up with someone who was really important to me. I was on Tinder a week or two later. Just because I’ve went on dates or had ONSs I still thinked about them. Actually I’ve been so eager to go on dating sites to keep myself busy to stop replaying our story and decisions on repeat. People have coping mechanisms that help them get through trauma or more harsh events in life. For some it is to start going out with people to keep themselves busy. It is not healthy AT ALL. It is also toxic I think because by dating you might be coping with your shit but at the same time you’re very likely to break a completely innocent person’s heart when that new relationship is dysfunctional because of you. I’m a dude btw and I felt the same way as you, recently I had someone walk over me but I still feel sometimes you have to understand both sides to successfully find your inner peace.


Adventurous-One-3360

I guess it depends how long it's been since you broke up. Your last post says 5 months, I would say that's a decent amount of time. I was on a dating app a month after I broke up with my ex coz I'd already started falling out of love with him before I ended it, as he was very toxic and kept saying he would change and he didn't. In a harsh way, she has obviously moved on and you should try and forget about her and focus on yourself


[deleted]

We all want to find love. Just like us, the dumper believes that happiness lies in somebody else, we just think it's someone we knew and they are happy to embrace the unknown. I know a lot of us on here are going through first time feelings but the very fact that this exists shows that this cycle repeats time and time and time again. How people even if you are just a teenager but especially older than early 20's act as if the dumper is some sort of villain, it just seems completely ignorant of what a relationship is. They weren't happy, it sucks, it's awful, it makes you feel worthless but they're not a bad person because they dumped you. There's no good way to end a relationship, in an ideal world the person would show great awarness and compassion but often they're hurting as much.


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[deleted]

Based on her profile, her excuses to end things were lies. Her long term goals/plans haven't changed.


[deleted]

You are downvoted for comment like this. Show some sympathy for hell's sake.


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[deleted]

I agree with you partially. I was a dumpee and I am far from innocent. I am fucking demon and I hate myself for how my ex perceived me in the end... For that reason I am not dating but just working on myself... Because currently I am not good enough. It takes two to create relationship.


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[deleted]

You are correct. I am on the same path like you. I regret my complacency and mistakes I have made. But there is always hope for the future.


Gamerider4life

Same here, I said some things, but honestly I don’t hate myself for it. I called her out on her hypocrisy. She always complained about other women and how they did things, but she did the exact same thing when she left me and started dating the other guy a week after. We talked about the whole Jada and will drama when it happened. Then she said that Jada is not interested in Will, but is keeping him around. She says to me “Promise you’ll tell me if you have feelings for someone else or you’re no longer interested in the relationship.” Bam guess who leaves to be with someone else and says nothing. It wasn’t me that’s for sure. So yea I sent her a voice note telling her all this and saying that she sold me dreams and that she’s really no different from those other girls. She started telling me how could I, that this is different. EVERY SINGLE TIME I POINT OUT THE HYPOCRISY she says but this is different. ITS NEVER BEEN DIFFERENT DAMN IT! I don’t regret what I said. She had to hear it. She says she sees me differently now, and that’s perfectly fine. I’m not even on here to get her back, not interested at all unless she does a complete 360 which she will have to be alone to do, but I don’t see her doing that in the next decade. She’s very dependent on an individual.


OneForestOne99

Okay, yes there is some responsibility on us as dumpees. Especially depending on the case. My thing is that I remember when I was freshly dumped. It’s is the most personal and awful form of rejection there is. Being rejected by someone you hardly know at the bar is easily written off as “well they don’t know me”. But when you get rejected by someone you have been with for years and knows you more intimately than anyone in your life ever has, it’s a kind of pain no one is ready for. So yeah, I have a lot more sympathy for Dumpees. We deserve only good thoughts and compliments from others as we insult ourselves enough for 2 life times on the inside.


LowRevolution7705

They could be there to double check their gut feeling.


ohnoimme

How did you see her on the sites?


brendonboydurie

the same thing happened to me !! a week after he dumped me!! like wth