My wife and I were recently talking about how our marriage was at its worst when trying to follow male headship/submission. Complementarianism was incredibly damaging for both of us. We’re partners, not a hierarchy.
It seems like no matter who you are, Christianity puts an unbearable burden on everyone to measure up to unrealistic expectations.
The patriarchal nature of the church does put an uneven burden on women. The whole “Proverbs 31 woman” thing can make this worse for wives as well. Purity culture is also awful as it trains young women to not be sexy or think about anything sexy, but then magically turn 180 degrees when married and instantly be everything her husband needs (with no thought for her own needs).
The church can also put a large burden on men as they are supposed to be “the head of the household” and therefore accountable for the spiritual health and happiness of everyone in the home.
If one partner feels weighed down by guilt of not being good enough to make “the perfect marriage” and the other partner takes advantage of this, then things can really suck. It seems like even more guilt and disappointment is heaped upon the one being taken advantage of. One partner is left feeling insufficient and like a bad Christian, while the other complains that not enough is being done to make things better.
> It seems like no matter who you are, Christianity puts an unbearable burden on everyone to measure up to unrealistic expectations.
And, infuriatingly, that’s a feature, not a bug. Can’t measure up? That’s why you need to surrender your life to Jesus!
Yes. My mother gave me her copies of James Dobson books on parenting. I burned them all. I was already deconstructing when I married an "unbeliever" so we've never followed an evangelical marriage model. When we became parents I was so overwhelmed and had no idea what to do, but I knew Dobson was responsible for most of how I was parented and disciplined so that had to be destroyed.
I got rid of almost a whole bookshelf of books, this one being one of them. I was going to give them to Goodwill but I couldn't stomach the thought of someone absorbing the lies in them. It was more cathartic than I realized. Lots of gems in those books: Elisabeth Elliot on abusive marriages - "Try God! (And stay with your abusive spouse)" Nancy Leigh DeMoss "The first sin Eve committed was overeating"... Glad we can see how damaging this was, now!
I recently listened to a podcast that had a guest pastor who explained that they were taught to pretty much blame the woman. His example was if your husband had an affair the first question asked of the wife was has she forgiven him yet? Sorry if this doesn't make sense. He explained it much better.
I was given this book by a small group leader so early in and I actually never read it! Like wtf, I'm not a wife and I hate reading. Gosh I wish maybe I would have, could have saved me time. It's currently on the shelf with the rest of the Christian books turned around for "aesthetic" reasons. I'll throw it in the firepit for ya next time!
Good! Thanks. I love books and I didn't even hesitate when I looked through it one last time before I started tearing it up. It felt good to get rid of.
I never read it. What does it specifically say about the power of a praying wife? I ask because it seems like fluff material. What is a wife to gain from prayer over self-help, friendship, further education, a vacation, etc.? What I've found so damaging about evangelical church has been the insistence that prayer is so powerful that it allows them to ignore the problems with real-world treatments and solutions right in front of them.
Honestly I can't remember too much in detail, it was so very awful. I do remember that chapter one was all about praying for his wife. Yes, the wife is half of the marriage, but this was all about becoming perfect and not having any needs or wants of your own, and no problems. I remember it saying that the wife was never allowed to say no to sex no matter how she feels. He has to have it. Sex is for men. And a lot of other just garbage.
Yes, I burned many books. Stormie Omatian books are particularly abusive. I have yet to read an Evangelical marriage book that isn't abusive to women. The Power of a Praying Wife, that book, I can't even . . .
I threw away my copy too. Even when I was a Christian, I couldn't stand this book. I only got one or two chapters in, so I can't say what the whole book was about. But my recollection is that her big problem was that she wanted her husband to teach a particular Sunday School class or small group and he didn't want to. I was actually shocked that this was the example. How completely out of touch given all the problems women go through in marriages that are abusive or where there is some other kind of strain on the marriage. In addition to being out of touch, it felt manipulative. He doesn't want to do it, but she's going to get God on her side and pray him into doing what she thinks he should do.
This post has made me think that I need to write about the grossness of pre-marital counselling in my next article. https://open.substack.com/pub/thesisterwild/p/im-a-researcher-who-studies-gender?r=3r4ibm&utm_medium=ios
Yep. I tore up and burned “Created to be his Helpmeet” by Debi Pearl. This was years before I finally became an atheist. The book was given to me by an older woman in our church and she even handed me all of her study notes (printed out and in a binder!). It was the beginning of the end for me; in the best way possible.
My wife and I were recently talking about how our marriage was at its worst when trying to follow male headship/submission. Complementarianism was incredibly damaging for both of us. We’re partners, not a hierarchy.
It seems like no matter who you are, Christianity puts an unbearable burden on everyone to measure up to unrealistic expectations. The patriarchal nature of the church does put an uneven burden on women. The whole “Proverbs 31 woman” thing can make this worse for wives as well. Purity culture is also awful as it trains young women to not be sexy or think about anything sexy, but then magically turn 180 degrees when married and instantly be everything her husband needs (with no thought for her own needs). The church can also put a large burden on men as they are supposed to be “the head of the household” and therefore accountable for the spiritual health and happiness of everyone in the home. If one partner feels weighed down by guilt of not being good enough to make “the perfect marriage” and the other partner takes advantage of this, then things can really suck. It seems like even more guilt and disappointment is heaped upon the one being taken advantage of. One partner is left feeling insufficient and like a bad Christian, while the other complains that not enough is being done to make things better.
> It seems like no matter who you are, Christianity puts an unbearable burden on everyone to measure up to unrealistic expectations. And, infuriatingly, that’s a feature, not a bug. Can’t measure up? That’s why you need to surrender your life to Jesus!
Yes. My mother gave me her copies of James Dobson books on parenting. I burned them all. I was already deconstructing when I married an "unbeliever" so we've never followed an evangelical marriage model. When we became parents I was so overwhelmed and had no idea what to do, but I knew Dobson was responsible for most of how I was parented and disciplined so that had to be destroyed.
Please tell me you’ve listened to the I Hate James Dobson podcast. Validating yet also infuriating
I got rid of almost a whole bookshelf of books, this one being one of them. I was going to give them to Goodwill but I couldn't stomach the thought of someone absorbing the lies in them. It was more cathartic than I realized. Lots of gems in those books: Elisabeth Elliot on abusive marriages - "Try God! (And stay with your abusive spouse)" Nancy Leigh DeMoss "The first sin Eve committed was overeating"... Glad we can see how damaging this was, now!
I recently listened to a podcast that had a guest pastor who explained that they were taught to pretty much blame the woman. His example was if your husband had an affair the first question asked of the wife was has she forgiven him yet? Sorry if this doesn't make sense. He explained it much better.
I was given this book by a small group leader so early in and I actually never read it! Like wtf, I'm not a wife and I hate reading. Gosh I wish maybe I would have, could have saved me time. It's currently on the shelf with the rest of the Christian books turned around for "aesthetic" reasons. I'll throw it in the firepit for ya next time!
Good! Thanks. I love books and I didn't even hesitate when I looked through it one last time before I started tearing it up. It felt good to get rid of.
I never read it. What does it specifically say about the power of a praying wife? I ask because it seems like fluff material. What is a wife to gain from prayer over self-help, friendship, further education, a vacation, etc.? What I've found so damaging about evangelical church has been the insistence that prayer is so powerful that it allows them to ignore the problems with real-world treatments and solutions right in front of them.
Honestly I can't remember too much in detail, it was so very awful. I do remember that chapter one was all about praying for his wife. Yes, the wife is half of the marriage, but this was all about becoming perfect and not having any needs or wants of your own, and no problems. I remember it saying that the wife was never allowed to say no to sex no matter how she feels. He has to have it. Sex is for men. And a lot of other just garbage.
Yes, I burned many books. Stormie Omatian books are particularly abusive. I have yet to read an Evangelical marriage book that isn't abusive to women. The Power of a Praying Wife, that book, I can't even . . .
It's so bad...
I threw away my copy too. Even when I was a Christian, I couldn't stand this book. I only got one or two chapters in, so I can't say what the whole book was about. But my recollection is that her big problem was that she wanted her husband to teach a particular Sunday School class or small group and he didn't want to. I was actually shocked that this was the example. How completely out of touch given all the problems women go through in marriages that are abusive or where there is some other kind of strain on the marriage. In addition to being out of touch, it felt manipulative. He doesn't want to do it, but she's going to get God on her side and pray him into doing what she thinks he should do.
This post has made me think that I need to write about the grossness of pre-marital counselling in my next article. https://open.substack.com/pub/thesisterwild/p/im-a-researcher-who-studies-gender?r=3r4ibm&utm_medium=ios
Yep. I tore up and burned “Created to be his Helpmeet” by Debi Pearl. This was years before I finally became an atheist. The book was given to me by an older woman in our church and she even handed me all of her study notes (printed out and in a binder!). It was the beginning of the end for me; in the best way possible.