Maybe because it’s in your grasp now, it’s no longer “wishful thinking”. I think our brains try to “protect” us incase it isn’t possible in our reality so that we’re not holding onto hope we shouldn’t in case it doesn’t work out. Now you’re on T and all of this is very, very much attainable for you and you’re ON the path. Yknow what I’m saying? Sorry I’m bad at explaining lol but I also have moments of clarity where I’m like holy shit I see myself in my future now
That makes so much sense & I definitely relate to that.
I know in the past I’ve felt my brain trying to protect me when it comes to dysphoria. Like just a habit of dissociating or pushing it away.
This is so true, and you explained it very well! I was just trying to explain that very concept to someone today (also in relation to T, actually!) I wish you had been there to do the talking, lol!
Also I just realized that a big part of me felt like T wouldn’t work on me - especially with my voice which is my biggest source of dysphoria
& it has worked- its so early on with a low dose & I’ve had physical changes & my voice is already changing a little - a little buzzier in my chest
So I definitely can see that my brain didn’t want me to get hurt or feel let down & now that it is actually happening it just feels so good!
Mine dropped a whole octave within a few months. I am NOT tall so I didn’t expect much of anything. However my doc didn’t put me on a low dose but a standard dose off the bat (his usual protocol). I was pleased with the rapid changes. Been on for 12 years now.
That’s awesome!! Within the second week I started noticing a difference with my voice. Not a big difference just felt a little different.
But wife noticed it too! So it helped me feel like it wasn’t like a placebo thing lol
I'm not on T *yet* but can relate with this
I've gotten close enough to almost make the appointment and realize I need to talk to my (also trans) partner lol... and the really realness of it after years of debating has started to hit me. I feel like I didn't even pay attention to how much I really perceive my body as "male". It's like a visceral awareness I've been dissociating from or something.
There’s honestly a lot of baggage about cis men that can make it really hard to allow yourself to want to be a man. From physical attributes to social stuff, being a man can be kind of shitty and complicated sometimes. And being a trans man especially out late in life can be a weird place to be. I know I am a man, but I started this journey in my 40’s, so for myself I don’t feel like I am the same as a cis man even though I am perceived as one by most people. That changing perception of how I am viewed by the world, and finding a way to allow myself to want to be a man and accept myself as one was the one thing I feel I was least prepared for.
Yeah - I know for me I’ve never really had any kind of relationships with guys or men. Being an only child - only having relationships with women in my family- only having friends that were girls for the most part growing up/in college, marrying a woman, being self employed/having no coworkers.
I just don’t run into men very often.
So I think it’s less about baggage - (there definitely could be some though) & more just like the culture of masculinity is such an abstract thing.
& being trans for me has always been almost a spiritual thing. Like in a oneness with the natural world. A magnetism to queerness in general & just fully embodying that everything in life & nature is in a constant at state of change.
And you know -the gender binary is frustrating because we’re all human.
Anyway - yeah I think what interesting about what I’m feeling with starting T is I’m not intellectualizing this feeling - like I tend to be in my head a lot
& this is such a physical in my body feeling & like immediate just knowing & wanting something- way more than I expected.
For myself I don’t really have a feeling of fluidity, I feel very binary, even if you set aside the cultural aspects of manhood or whatever. Sometimes I feel kind of boring because so many trans masc people seem to be more fluid or non binary and that’s just not me at all. I always gravitated towards masculine things and wanted to understand men and manhood even before I realized it’s because that is what I wanted for myself. I have spent a lot of time around men because I have always had guy friends and then my career was dominated by cis het white dudes for the most part.
This happened to me when I started T a couple of months ago. I identified pretty strongly as non binary for 8 years and had planned on just going on a low dose, but after less than a week on the gel I realised I wanted to do full dose and that I’m actually just a man. I’m really glad you posted this, I didn’t know if it was common or not.
That’s interesting! It is good to see other people have had similar experiences!
I still definitely am non-binary & like honestly a pretty femme person in general.
But it’s so interesting how much I feel T is working emotionally - it’s hard to explain.
I knew I wanted a low dose temporarily- and I still have to keep reminding myself that’s what I want lol (because I don’t want to lose my hair- its so important to me)
But being on T for a few weeks I’m like having to stop myself from calling up my doctor & asking her to up my dose. Because it just feels so right.
But it’s like the exact opposite of what I thought would happen when I started T
I fully expected to want to start wearing dresses again/makeup again- exclusively want they/them pronouns just really fuck with gender as I started to look more masculine & still I might, but what I’m feeling is so different.
Yeah I was also surprised by the emotional side of going on hormones too. I definitely have that sense of it just feeling *right* which hit me more than I thought it would. While I now consider myself a man, I am excited about being able to reconnect with feminine things without being read as a woman. I don’t think I ever really want to “pass” or be mistaken for a cis man, I have always been fond of gender non conformity and am excited to explore that more as a man.
Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful to see all the different ways people feel with starting testosterone and what it means for them 💛
Yeah, I identified as non-binary for a couple of years before starting T. I wasn't even sure if I'd stay on it when I started - I told myself I'd try it for 3 months and then stop if I didn't like it. But I experienced something similar - finally feeling present in my body, not overthinking everything, and seeing a future for myself, even imagining myself as an old man (I never could picture myself as an old lady lol).
Now I only use he/him pronouns and consider myself a man. I think my experience will always be a bit gnc, but for all intents and purposes I am just some guy and I love it, honestly.
Yeah, I've been going through something similar. When I started T, I'd originally planned to stay on it long enough to get permanent changes and be more androgynous and go off it after. But once I was on it and the changes began, I started realizing I wouldn't mind being able to pass as a cis guy. I tell folks that T has helped make me more comfortable with my own masculinity, and others' masculinity, and thats very true. I do think in my case its also because I've been working through various issues I had with men and masculinity in myself as the changes happen because they did kick up things I thought I'd moved past at first.
I do think even when I do pass as a guy, it'd be as a very GNC/gay/alt guy - but still a guy, ya know? And if I want to present more androgynous I can do that too. In any case yeah you're not alone.
Yep. I’m nonbinary (I think) and I thought I wanted to be more androgynous, but after starting T I’m not so sure. I’m loving all the changes, all the body and facial hair, the more masculine the change the more excited I get. It’s been really nice to pass and be treated like “just some guy” and I like it more than I thought I would. T has changed my mindset in a lot of ways I really wasn’t expecting, and this is definitely one of the biggest ones.
That’s good to hear!!
I’ve heard that T can like change people’s sexuality & they’re surprised by that -
& I feel like the suddenness/unexpectedness of this seems similar to me.
My dude, I’ve been wrestling with the exact same thing! I’m only two shots in to a low dose protocol but holy cow I have never wanted to exist so much in my life 😳🥹😳
Right???! It’s hit so hard and fast. I keep putting on the same overalls cuz everything else I try to wear is feeling foreign and I’m just loving feeling like a little guy. The whole thing is wild.
I had the exact same experience down to a T (get it). I started on a lower dose of gel, then as I started to see changes, androgynous wasn't feeling right and I wanted to keep going. So I raised the dose of my gel and now I really am just some guy out in the world. I still identify as transmasc/nonbinary and not as a man, but being some dude at the store is really nice.
It definitely has now had the consequence that I'm struggling to still be perceived as queer/trans, and people think my partner and I are a straight couple a lot of the time and often makes my partner feel unseen as a lesbian.
I've only been on T for three years, and at the point of "passing" as a cis man for less than a year, so it's very new! The whole passing thing was never a goal, and experiencing that tipping point and shift of how I'm perceived in such a short amount of time has been trippy. Overall feeling like a chameleon and honestly still trying to settle into what my gender(s?) actually feels like to me
That’s so good to hear that is a thing that - after reading everyone’s comments, that a lot of us experience.
I think I might ask to do 3 pumps of gel instead of 2 - I know 2 is working great so far. But yeah I just want it all faster.
Yeah - I can tell my wife doesn’t want to be perceived as straight & I don’t really blame her.
Back before we got married I was growing my hair out waist length & I would always talk about our elopement planning to pretty much everyone & the amount of like what does your future hubby do - from everyone - made me literally shave my head after the wedding to look more visibly queer lol
No, but I've always been binary. Specifically I've always felt like a boy/man, was never androgynous, don't go by queer ever, etc. I think I tried andro on as a mind experiment at one point, thinking half way might be better than no way (medical transition was off the table for me at that point), but that's not me.
Maybe you wouldn't allow yourself mentally to go all the way with transition, and now you're able to do that, having started. I really don't know, I don't know how anything works for people who believe they are NB at some point (or always) because that wasn't my experience. But sometimes, things just go that way; you don't realize the potential until you start doing something.
Yeah exactly. I think even if I pass- I’m going to end up passing as a very queer or gnc guy. Because that’s just who I am.
But like being on T- it just feels like easy & comfortable.
Yes, this is common! When I started T 6 years ago, I quickly realized the fears (losing head hair, gaining butt hair, etc) paled in comparison to seeing myself in the mirror. Still think of self as non-binary transmasc, but “man of center” for sure.
I know right- I mean I still don’t want to lose my hair. It’s so perfect lol. Kind of like Tyler Gaca when he had long hair.
But yeah I was pretty nervous about having to use the men’s room - even though I’ve done it before when bathrooms were out of order
& now I feel like that’s such a small thing compared to how good I feel!
Nice! I also had chest length hair for a while until spring this year (now back to shoulder r length, much more manageable). Finasteride and Minoxidil help.
Maybe because it’s in your grasp now, it’s no longer “wishful thinking”. I think our brains try to “protect” us incase it isn’t possible in our reality so that we’re not holding onto hope we shouldn’t in case it doesn’t work out. Now you’re on T and all of this is very, very much attainable for you and you’re ON the path. Yknow what I’m saying? Sorry I’m bad at explaining lol but I also have moments of clarity where I’m like holy shit I see myself in my future now
That makes so much sense & I definitely relate to that. I know in the past I’ve felt my brain trying to protect me when it comes to dysphoria. Like just a habit of dissociating or pushing it away.
This is so true, and you explained it very well! I was just trying to explain that very concept to someone today (also in relation to T, actually!) I wish you had been there to do the talking, lol!
Also I just realized that a big part of me felt like T wouldn’t work on me - especially with my voice which is my biggest source of dysphoria & it has worked- its so early on with a low dose & I’ve had physical changes & my voice is already changing a little - a little buzzier in my chest So I definitely can see that my brain didn’t want me to get hurt or feel let down & now that it is actually happening it just feels so good!
Mine dropped a whole octave within a few months. I am NOT tall so I didn’t expect much of anything. However my doc didn’t put me on a low dose but a standard dose off the bat (his usual protocol). I was pleased with the rapid changes. Been on for 12 years now.
That’s awesome!! Within the second week I started noticing a difference with my voice. Not a big difference just felt a little different. But wife noticed it too! So it helped me feel like it wasn’t like a placebo thing lol
It will feel like you have a squirrel in your throat for a few weeks, or that you can’t quite clear it? Then it get’s better, a lot better!
I literally can’t wait!! I know it’s going to happen regardless - but I just want it already!
I'm not on T *yet* but can relate with this I've gotten close enough to almost make the appointment and realize I need to talk to my (also trans) partner lol... and the really realness of it after years of debating has started to hit me. I feel like I didn't even pay attention to how much I really perceive my body as "male". It's like a visceral awareness I've been dissociating from or something.
There’s honestly a lot of baggage about cis men that can make it really hard to allow yourself to want to be a man. From physical attributes to social stuff, being a man can be kind of shitty and complicated sometimes. And being a trans man especially out late in life can be a weird place to be. I know I am a man, but I started this journey in my 40’s, so for myself I don’t feel like I am the same as a cis man even though I am perceived as one by most people. That changing perception of how I am viewed by the world, and finding a way to allow myself to want to be a man and accept myself as one was the one thing I feel I was least prepared for.
Yeah - I know for me I’ve never really had any kind of relationships with guys or men. Being an only child - only having relationships with women in my family- only having friends that were girls for the most part growing up/in college, marrying a woman, being self employed/having no coworkers. I just don’t run into men very often. So I think it’s less about baggage - (there definitely could be some though) & more just like the culture of masculinity is such an abstract thing. & being trans for me has always been almost a spiritual thing. Like in a oneness with the natural world. A magnetism to queerness in general & just fully embodying that everything in life & nature is in a constant at state of change. And you know -the gender binary is frustrating because we’re all human. Anyway - yeah I think what interesting about what I’m feeling with starting T is I’m not intellectualizing this feeling - like I tend to be in my head a lot & this is such a physical in my body feeling & like immediate just knowing & wanting something- way more than I expected.
It’s definitely a spiritual, alchemical process for me—the longer I’m on it, the more in love with manhood I become.
For myself I don’t really have a feeling of fluidity, I feel very binary, even if you set aside the cultural aspects of manhood or whatever. Sometimes I feel kind of boring because so many trans masc people seem to be more fluid or non binary and that’s just not me at all. I always gravitated towards masculine things and wanted to understand men and manhood even before I realized it’s because that is what I wanted for myself. I have spent a lot of time around men because I have always had guy friends and then my career was dominated by cis het white dudes for the most part.
This happened to me when I started T a couple of months ago. I identified pretty strongly as non binary for 8 years and had planned on just going on a low dose, but after less than a week on the gel I realised I wanted to do full dose and that I’m actually just a man. I’m really glad you posted this, I didn’t know if it was common or not.
I genuinely thought I was the only one to feel this way. This subreddit is giving me the validation I didn’t know I needed - thank you guys
That’s interesting! It is good to see other people have had similar experiences! I still definitely am non-binary & like honestly a pretty femme person in general. But it’s so interesting how much I feel T is working emotionally - it’s hard to explain. I knew I wanted a low dose temporarily- and I still have to keep reminding myself that’s what I want lol (because I don’t want to lose my hair- its so important to me) But being on T for a few weeks I’m like having to stop myself from calling up my doctor & asking her to up my dose. Because it just feels so right. But it’s like the exact opposite of what I thought would happen when I started T I fully expected to want to start wearing dresses again/makeup again- exclusively want they/them pronouns just really fuck with gender as I started to look more masculine & still I might, but what I’m feeling is so different.
Yeah I was also surprised by the emotional side of going on hormones too. I definitely have that sense of it just feeling *right* which hit me more than I thought it would. While I now consider myself a man, I am excited about being able to reconnect with feminine things without being read as a woman. I don’t think I ever really want to “pass” or be mistaken for a cis man, I have always been fond of gender non conformity and am excited to explore that more as a man. Thank you for sharing your experience, it’s really helpful to see all the different ways people feel with starting testosterone and what it means for them 💛
Yeah, I identified as non-binary for a couple of years before starting T. I wasn't even sure if I'd stay on it when I started - I told myself I'd try it for 3 months and then stop if I didn't like it. But I experienced something similar - finally feeling present in my body, not overthinking everything, and seeing a future for myself, even imagining myself as an old man (I never could picture myself as an old lady lol). Now I only use he/him pronouns and consider myself a man. I think my experience will always be a bit gnc, but for all intents and purposes I am just some guy and I love it, honestly.
Yeah, I've been going through something similar. When I started T, I'd originally planned to stay on it long enough to get permanent changes and be more androgynous and go off it after. But once I was on it and the changes began, I started realizing I wouldn't mind being able to pass as a cis guy. I tell folks that T has helped make me more comfortable with my own masculinity, and others' masculinity, and thats very true. I do think in my case its also because I've been working through various issues I had with men and masculinity in myself as the changes happen because they did kick up things I thought I'd moved past at first. I do think even when I do pass as a guy, it'd be as a very GNC/gay/alt guy - but still a guy, ya know? And if I want to present more androgynous I can do that too. In any case yeah you're not alone.
Yep. I’m nonbinary (I think) and I thought I wanted to be more androgynous, but after starting T I’m not so sure. I’m loving all the changes, all the body and facial hair, the more masculine the change the more excited I get. It’s been really nice to pass and be treated like “just some guy” and I like it more than I thought I would. T has changed my mindset in a lot of ways I really wasn’t expecting, and this is definitely one of the biggest ones.
That’s good to hear!! I’ve heard that T can like change people’s sexuality & they’re surprised by that - & I feel like the suddenness/unexpectedness of this seems similar to me.
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Oh wow - that hasn’t happened to me yet- I’m queer anyway & into anyone regardless of their gender - it will be interesting to see what happens!
My dude, I’ve been wrestling with the exact same thing! I’m only two shots in to a low dose protocol but holy cow I have never wanted to exist so much in my life 😳🥹😳
Yeah!! It’s so surprising how soon I’m feeling all this- I think that’s what’s throwing me off too.
Right???! It’s hit so hard and fast. I keep putting on the same overalls cuz everything else I try to wear is feeling foreign and I’m just loving feeling like a little guy. The whole thing is wild.
I had the exact same experience down to a T (get it). I started on a lower dose of gel, then as I started to see changes, androgynous wasn't feeling right and I wanted to keep going. So I raised the dose of my gel and now I really am just some guy out in the world. I still identify as transmasc/nonbinary and not as a man, but being some dude at the store is really nice. It definitely has now had the consequence that I'm struggling to still be perceived as queer/trans, and people think my partner and I are a straight couple a lot of the time and often makes my partner feel unseen as a lesbian. I've only been on T for three years, and at the point of "passing" as a cis man for less than a year, so it's very new! The whole passing thing was never a goal, and experiencing that tipping point and shift of how I'm perceived in such a short amount of time has been trippy. Overall feeling like a chameleon and honestly still trying to settle into what my gender(s?) actually feels like to me
That’s so good to hear that is a thing that - after reading everyone’s comments, that a lot of us experience. I think I might ask to do 3 pumps of gel instead of 2 - I know 2 is working great so far. But yeah I just want it all faster. Yeah - I can tell my wife doesn’t want to be perceived as straight & I don’t really blame her. Back before we got married I was growing my hair out waist length & I would always talk about our elopement planning to pretty much everyone & the amount of like what does your future hubby do - from everyone - made me literally shave my head after the wedding to look more visibly queer lol
No, but I've always been binary. Specifically I've always felt like a boy/man, was never androgynous, don't go by queer ever, etc. I think I tried andro on as a mind experiment at one point, thinking half way might be better than no way (medical transition was off the table for me at that point), but that's not me. Maybe you wouldn't allow yourself mentally to go all the way with transition, and now you're able to do that, having started. I really don't know, I don't know how anything works for people who believe they are NB at some point (or always) because that wasn't my experience. But sometimes, things just go that way; you don't realize the potential until you start doing something.
Yeah exactly. I think even if I pass- I’m going to end up passing as a very queer or gnc guy. Because that’s just who I am. But like being on T- it just feels like easy & comfortable.
Yes, this is common! When I started T 6 years ago, I quickly realized the fears (losing head hair, gaining butt hair, etc) paled in comparison to seeing myself in the mirror. Still think of self as non-binary transmasc, but “man of center” for sure.
I know right- I mean I still don’t want to lose my hair. It’s so perfect lol. Kind of like Tyler Gaca when he had long hair. But yeah I was pretty nervous about having to use the men’s room - even though I’ve done it before when bathrooms were out of order & now I feel like that’s such a small thing compared to how good I feel!
Nice! I also had chest length hair for a while until spring this year (now back to shoulder r length, much more manageable). Finasteride and Minoxidil help.
I already feel that way so much it physically hurts. I can’t imagine how T will make me feel