Then just enjoy your life man. You don’t have to “do” anything. This whole “must have goals, must work out, must tell someone about it” society we live in is kind of crap and isn’t good for simply appreciating the things we like. It’s a marathon, not a competition.
While I agree- I would also suggest to the OP, and everyone- GO FOR A WALK, preferably in nature (20 minutes is al you need). Do it as many days as you can every week. It's not a goal. It is just something to enjoy that has documented mental health benefits. A way to enjoy life.
I often have to postpone it, as there are always more chores to be done, but squeezing in a brisk walk somewhere before bedtime does everyone a fair shake of good. Me, my dog and my housemates.
Morning walkies are a dog owner’s priority. A little more wiggle room in the middays.
Normally I would agree with you that skipping makes you smile but...
...I was in a bad mood the other day and I tried doing *just that* to lift my spirits and damned if I didn't roll my ankle. Not sprained or broken, but I did end up on the grass telling myself that my brain may be 18 but my body is north of 50 and I need to remember that!
I highly recommend a few good shimmies a day in lieu of any skipping or vigorous activities we once found easy. A good 30 second shimmy is where it’s at. You’ll work up to 90 seconds after a while.
I think that walking saves my life everyday. And if I’m on my workouts? Oh baby. I feel HAPPY and young. Currently not keeping up with my workouts and feeling burned out much like OP. I don’t know why I avoid my strength training when I know how good it makes me feel. WTF is wrong with me? Still walking everyday though. Thanks to my dogs.
I was gonna suggest the same thing. If you love animals, a dog could be the answer. They say that petting a dog lowers your blood pressure. Plus the absolute love and loyalty a dog has for its owner is second to none.
I am very grateful to my dog: every day I need to take my dog out for a walk, at least 20 minutes, twice a day. Whether I feel like it or not, whether the weather is good or bad. The dog has to do his business. I think it has done me a lot of good - making me get outside a little bit every day.
Second this! It works wonders. I do the same route morning and evening. Watching the metamorphosis day by day over the past three months from winter into spring has felt magical.
Lower your expectations. Sounds dumb, but that is the mental condition that 9/11 hit us with - always expecting something to be good/bad. Let all that shit go (it takes time), but it will start to be more apparent the longer you practice.
The end of the 90s and start of the new millennium was a very very positive time in the US. The economy was great despite the dotcom bubble bursting. Memories of the first Iraq war were pretty faded from memory.
Those of coming into age around that time had all of our hopes and dreams shattered on 9/11. Why? Because we knew we'd be dealing with endless wars, terrorism fears, introduction of the TSA, Patriot act.... ugh.
Yup.
Nearing 50 myself, & I'm about to move from Chicago to Seattle. I don't have a lot of money, & going through the apartment wondering what I'm selling vs what I'm keeping has been interesting.
I'm selling most of my guitars (I'm keeping one, though I don't know which one) & selling most of my guns (again, not sure which singular one I wanna keep). I'm at a loss for what to do with almost 3K of ammo, that would take DAYS to shoot off.
People change over time, I've been more of a minimalist over the past decade... I'm about to become even more minimal in the coming years.
I really only *need* my PS5. I had to grow up quickly as a young man, & when I hit my 30's I found a simple joy in gaming. It's interactive story telling. I enjoy photography, but don't have the money for a *nice* camera, so I just take photos with my phone & Olympus 790SW.
So it goes.
Yeah, but the problem is that most gun stores don't want to purchase ammo. They're afraid they're "reloads" & I've worked in gun ranges & that's a legit worry... because many people reload like shit & swap out the good factory ammo with the garbage they make... & it's to "save" like .06 a round.
This is it. The idea that you must find 'purpose' in life and work tirelessly towards it to live a fulfilling lifestyle is a scam perpetrated by our form of malignant capitalism.
I’m 47 and you just absolutely nailed it in terms of how I’m feeling as well.
Ultimately I think it’s our phones that are doing it. It’s just so easy to find some calm and a tiny bit of pleasure on them, and you have to put in zero work to get it. It makes the work of acquiring anything else in life seem like a waste, since a lot of what you strive for ends up not being worth it in the end. But that’s just my guess.
People like to downplay how much of an impact smartphones have had... but never in the history of humanity has it been so easy to just instantly check out of the moment you exist in and do something more stimulating/enjoyable.
Sure people have always been able to space out or not care, but the ubiquity of the smartphone has made it possible to replace almost every moment of discomfort one might experience at any point in the day with a custom tailored feed of images and videos to distract yourself with.
This isn't even a "the kids aren't OK!" rant. And it isn't just the kids, it's everyone including my elderly parents.
It's just an observation that the time between "I'm bored" or "this is slightly uncomfortable" and being distracted from that thing, for anyone with a smart phone, is the time it takes them to reach in their pocket, pull the phone out, and open an app.
When we look back at this period of history, I don't think we'll be celebrating this change in the way people interact with each other and themselves.
There is a point at which you have fewer days ahead than you have behind you.
Many things lose their appeal. It's natural that this includes-
Caring what other people think about you
Stuff, things, fashion, consuming, getting the newest and latest thing
Career progress
Putting effort into relationships that aren't very important
Pretending to be something you aren't
I found a hobby and pursued interests reading about art and design. I've no desire to consume stuff or please anyone but myself and my Wife. I need to prevent boredom. Doesn't matter what you do, doesn't matter if it feels pointless, just do something anyway.
I believe life is meaningless, but you need to live as though it's not. That way you can have some joy from the little things between now and when you croak.
COVID shifted the focus for a lot of us.
Ironically. I decided to develop a sense of fashion as I neared 50. Not really fashion as depicted on social media, but a more defined sense of a personal aesthetic.
I intend to be one of those put-together older men walking downtown for coffee on weekend mornings
ooo same - my therapist asked me once what kind of old lady I want to be, and I told her one of those elegantly-dressed ladies with long silver hair, big sunglasses, and ballet flats, traveling to nice places and going to museums and cafes.
it's a vibe.
Meanwhile, I want to put off an earth mother vibe with flowy dresses and a penchant for growing things. I’ve always been more comfortable in my natural state than all made up, I just need to work on my physical health.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Things I used to love and get super-excited for - like concerts, trips, big new video games, etc. - no longer do it for me in the same way. It's like I still enjoy the same things, but everything's just a bit duller, as if the edges have been sanded down or something.
I've been wondering how much of this is biology, and how much of it is being jaded from experience? I've certainly had my share of fun experiences, but now there is a big feeling of 'been there, done that' with so many of them.
I call this the normal curve of experience. The more experiences you have as you age, the more they cluster around the middle of the normal distribution and the fewer experiences land outside one standard deviation. My Gen Z son might have an "amazing meal" that for me is just enh. The long trips to exotic places I took in my youth now offer diminishing returns. Each day is more and more a Groundhog Day and few things can break me out of that normal distribution.
I'm a stats-guy and I love that explanation. I read long ago (a psych course in university, probably) that the way to 'extend' time is to continually try different things and to open yourself up to new experiences & hobbies. This fits nicely with what you're saying.
Yeah concerts don’t do it for me anymore either. It’s hard to enjoy them when you see your rock gods of the ‘80s getting on stage with walkers, fat, barely able to carry on a tune, with half the band members young and unknown. Not to mention every other person sticking up their stupid phones, blocking my view, trying to be amateur videographers.
It's not the concerts themselves. I still go to a bunch of shows a year, and in fact am about a week away from going to a 4-day rock festival. I will have a bunch of beers, jump around until my knees hurt, sing until I'm hoarse, and generally have a great time while there.
What has changed is everything surrounding it. The pain-in-the-ass of getting there, dealing with being super-tired for the next couple of days, organizing my friends to buy tickets, the idea that I've seen a particular band multiple times already, etc. I used to love getting AMPED for a show, so much that it was part of the whole experience. That just doesn't happen anymore and I find myself focusing more on the rigmarole.
If you did something you truly never did before, it would likely be exciting. Probably not as exciting as teenage firsts are exciting, but it would perk you you.
Me, I don't like exciting, so I do the same things and look forward to them. I'd rather go back to the same restaurants I like in Florence or Paris than go off to a new city if you gave me a choice, but I try to see somewhere new as well.
Of course, I live in London and won't even go south of the river, so it's not like I'm hunting for new things to do already.
Really an excellent summary of how my wife and I are seeing things now.
The forced break from work during Covid really opened our eyes and gave us a taste for early retirement. It's going to happen as soon as we can guarantee our current lifestyle while still having medical insurance, which for many of us is tied directly to our employers. This is how they keep us coming to work - taking away our health care if we want to quit early.
Health insurance is keeping me working too. We could make it fine otherwise, but every time I run the numbers, I run out of money long-term if I factor in reasonable health insurance before 65.
Purpose arises from having something to do. “Nothing is so insufferable to man as to be completely at rest, without passions, without business, without diversion, without study.”
-Blaise Pascal
I feel this. I’ve found myself recently thinking that most times when I leave the house, I’m having a crappy experience. Crowds, prices, drivers, food quality, any service like the mechanics or going to the movies, and peoples selfish attitudes have all gotten crappier.
I feel this too, and I try to muster up the gratitude that at least I had 40 years of living in a “better world” before things started getting worse. We have lived in a good window of time. Unless something drastic changes, younger people have to live out most of their life in an increasingly dystopian world.
. We have lived in a good window of time"
That's the bad part about us growing in maybe the best time in recorded history...the 80s/90s...its impossible to top it and looking like it has been all downhill since 2000-present
I used to look out my window and say "Peace in my valley!" It's rare in history to live in a country with basically no physical danger and a time of plenty.
100% true. Just had this convo last week with my(50m) best and really only friend(53m) now. We have grown up in the best time and place to have lived in my opinion. Even having grown up, and lived most of our lives as "poors" in America, it is a tough bar to surpass the happiness of a youth and young adult life like we were afforded here in the U.S. Some days it is tough to motivate myself to care about anything, knowing that retrenchment of the U.S. and the ensuing entropy is inevitable. Having a 10 year old to raise is the only thing that helps me stay grounded and tap into the massively depleted reservoir of give a shit that I have lefr. I just suck it up and drive on because I know I need to stay healthy and prepare my kid for life in a world very different from the one we grew up in.
Better world? More naive world more like. Finding out more about people on the interwebs/post DJT world has not been a good thing for our mental health. People are crap, but they’ve always been like that, we just didn’t have the pathways to know, we were naive. The last 10-15 years have been interesting to say the least. Definitely cut down my core of people I interact with on there (including family). Still, find happiness in the simple things like other people have said…nature/walks/fishing/associating with people/causes that are inherently good, etc.
Yes! Every time I want to buy something, I decide it's too expensive. And then when I override that concern and buy it anyway, it's kind of a let down. It makes me wonder why I even left my house in the first place.
I'm with you. 45 here and I'm fresh out of motivation. It all seems pointless. I work, pay bills, rinse and repeat. It's as if life has been sucked right out of me.
Sounds like depression. I've been there and have had the exact same feelings. I suggest therapy and maybe medication. I know it's not the greatest solution, but it's better than the way you're feeling now. It's worked wonders for me.
Don't trick yourself into thinking you have to feel sad or hopeless to have depression. Loss of motivation is a very common symptom. Could also be untreated ADHD, which is what drove my very similar feelings.
Like other replies on this thread have said, get some bloodwork done, get into therapy, examine your eating habits, and examine how much time you spend online.
There's a possibility that some of these are signals of depression. Otoh, at a point, you recognize that some things aren't really worth the effort you put into them. Things like certain fashion choices, hairstyles, friendships and a few other things. When stuff like that happens, it's partially because your energy is lowering, and partially because your g-a-d broke. u/BlueDotty above said it best. (I haven't found a mechanic for the g-a-d ... Haven't looked very hard, either)
So, it's really just the next step in life. Caring less for others' opinions, allowing yourself to do less, allowing yourself to do what you*want to do* instead of have to, and recognizing that you were held hostage by caring for others' opinions. Good luck to all of us.
I feel this... Bad... I have an amazing wife, a daughter who's about to get her Master's, I retired at 40 (currently 46) and I just can't be fucked to do anything.
I don't understand it. My wife married this guy who built businesses and fixed things and took care of problems and now I'm just "buy a new one" or "what's this new video game?".... I'm hoping I'm just in a slump but I'm not really sure. This could just be my new life and I'm not ok with it.
I did have an unexpected triple bypass last Oct and I've been off since then but I don't think that's the excuse. I think that's the start and that's the worry.
How did it change you? I wouldn't say I'm depressed though I have the symptoms of it I guess... I don't "feel depressed" if that makes sense... I just don't feel like doing anything.
Ex: wife and I are about to land in Chicago. We've been gone a month... Went to Vietnam, Malaysia and visited her family in the Philippines. A great trip by anyone's measure... I enjoyed it but only kinda. Personally I just want to get home, see my cat, sit in my basement.
Sounds like classic ennui as a reaction to our somewhat broken society. Just because it is common doesn't make it any less impactful for you. Know you are not alone - a massive swath of 20th/21st century literature and film is about people dealing with this. Check out Kurosawa's "Ikiru" as a template for it.
You'll be told, and it could be accurate, that this is "depression". The symptoms match - but I don't like the overall framing. We consider depression a problematic response when things are fine, but things are not fine. Not for anyone. We have serious, serious, serious issues in the world boiling over right now. To not feel dread or anxiety is to be blindly insane. To feel comfortable focusing on "normal" business-as-usual for your career is also blindly insane. Most of us have no choice though - we are not being paid well to plant trees, teach empathy, or de-pollute the oceans. If we want health insurance, we have to write software to help ads perform better, master speculative trading of virtual commodities, or something at least as banal. Our brains are wired to work, but not to work at bullshit (or actively damaging) jobs.
I wish I had answers for you, but those I do have are already here (and possibly in the art I alluded to above). Possibly held in timeless philosophies or spiritual texts - be here now, enjoy the present, allow creativity to flow through you, embrace connection, worship nature, touch grass, all that.
I know it is easier said than done when you're exhausted from sitting all day and your brain has been yelled at by increasingly complex ads, but what small relief I have found does come these thing, in a nutshell:
- Become as simplistic and minimalist as you can, on a material level
- That doesn't mean live like a monk (though that could work too). Buy fewer things, but higher quality things. Enjoy the few tools you do have. Could be a nicer monitor, better camera, boots that fit better. Just make sure your stuff is good, and stop allowing any more crap to accumulate
- Get outside. Any way you can. Walk, hike, bike, whatever. Depends on where you are, but make this a priority. I was stuck in the wastelands of southern california for a while and started to find it incredibly nourishing to study the weeds that grow in parking lot cracks. I started to love the disgustingly artificial ecosystem of the concrete LA River complex. Some cool birds there - poor things think it is a real river.
- Improve your physical health - it is an upstream battle with all the shitty food and sedentary activity pushed at you. But beat the system by walking as much as possible, eating as plant-based as possible
- Connect with others. Hardest on the list for me. Our social-media era makes this actively difficfult. But do your best to actually TALK to others. Call them, write to them. Use the internet here only as a last resort. I need to do better here, so let me know if you figure it out. Everyone will say "just use meetup.com" but that is not really enough. You'll have to be more resourceful and creative.
- Love your brain - keep learning, consider peak experiences (chemical or experience induced), learn to still your mind
- Do art; not to get it into some gallery or even to get good at it, but because the process itself is the goal. Compost everything you make to prove this to yourself. Play music, build cabinets with handtools, draw comics - whatever works for you. Tell your stories, explain your frustrations, I for one would absolutely read a newsletter from someone talking about raising kids and the "uninhabited as any zombie movie" world you are describing.
Your experience is valid. I see you. Now see yourself, and make it suck a little bit less.
Existential Ennui.
We never reckoned with what happened over Covid. Our leadership, most people...basically all Americans.
Our leadership essentially told us...in some cases literally...that we as real live human beings were not as important as the concept of an economy. We are literally nothing of value outside the context of this.
This was transmitted to every single person out there. We all heard it, too. Doesn't matter what your political alignment is, you heard it and you internalized it...as did we all.
We have no great projects. We have no great shared goals. We are just an economy.
That's fucked up when you look at it.
Sorry, I know this doesn't help, but it's probably driving what's wrong here.
Middle-aged person realizes the inherent futility of existence, the long, long grind of the universe into nothingness, nothing saved or even remembered, the realization that all of humanity's history will be the tiniest, momentary spark in a vast black timeless void. And here's Tom with the weather.
Get your levels checked, thyroid etc... make sure you have proper nutrition, I've noticed my body is a lot less forgiving of a poor diet especially not enough protein will make me feel blah. Go to therapy, speak about depression and what you want. This age is hard, post covid is hard, ask for help.
I know we were raised to be self sufficient, but that's a fallacy. People need help, it's normal.
This! Go to your general doc (get one if you don't have one). They can test Testosterone, thyroid, Iron, vitamin D, etc. and see if there's something contributing to your lethargy. 2 things I think make the biggest difference to take are fish oil supplements and vitamin D.
Start some sort of weight lifting, too. There's so many studies that show it helps us as we age. Even if it's just some dumbbells or a kettlebell you get off FB Marketplace, it can really help.
My theory is that bad diet (esp high sugar and bad carbs) kills your T levels, which drains you of energy and makes you very negative. Stop eating junk, and limit calories overall, and see how you feel in a few days.
I agree. I'm finally making a decent effort to limit sugar, carbs and portion size. At 57, they both make me feel like absolute garbage. Have slowly started to lose weight and am feeling better in the process. Finally gave up my weekend binge drinking last year.
My body just can't handle it anymore, and good fucking riddance.
Try some movement. AM pushups and stretching, walking, going to start biking again, and doing some gardening is all the exercise I need. Trying to ingrain these things as habits and it seems to be taking.
Men go through similar hormone changes around 50 as women do and what you’re describing could be caused by dropping testosterone levels. I’m a woman, but experiencing similar. It’s not like there are a million things I want to be doing, but don’t have them energy for. There’s just nothing I want to do. And I’m always tired. But I’m not depressed. It’s very weird.
I feel the same man.
The world changed so much in just few years. The politics is going crazy. The people morality is going crazy. Everything is oversaturated, yet nothing has any quality. Everything we liked, everything we stood for, is now considered bad, or ridicilous. I really feel like world has flipped.
The worst thing is that i had to relocate because the job, and now I have no friends to actually hang out with ( close by ). And anything I do feels pointless. Why bother ? Right ?
I hate overused quotes so much but it's true: You can't change the world but you can change yourself. Stop watching the news. Avoid assholes to the best of your ability.
You gotta look for beauty, it's there trust me.
Source: I've struggled with depression my entire life, and I'm still alive because it does get better.
After cancer surgery and menopause, I have to constantly remind myself of what makes me feel better and then force myself to do those things. Sunlight. Dog walks. Writing. Getting off Reddit… have a good one.
I feel you man. Before covid I was a performing musician, a published artist, and a fledgling actor. All amateur efforts I did after work hours. Now as I approach 49 I have lost all creative urges. I just work, work out, and sleep. Waiting to die.
Crazy. As artist I feel that too.
Its pointless. Especially Since I feel that we gen-x are completely irrelevant now.
We grew up in different time when being different was cool, being unique was cool. Listening to strange bands, watching really obscure movies.
Today is the age of herd, of tribe. Anything different is branded unacceptable...heck even dangerous. Our tastes are not cool but weird, even borderlane insane by today standards.
Its the age of clones. Every egg is the same, and if you stand out you are discarded.
I had my 50th less than 2 weeks ago. I dreaded it for months, and I've never concerned myself with something as arbitrary as age. But, as I overthink everything, this became a puzzle I needed to work out.
And I dont know that I've had some epiphany, but a bit of insight. I am pretty sure that I thought I'd have accomplished something "important" by now. But, my plans were thwarted over a decade ago by disability.
And so I figure all I've done of worth right now is to raise a kid who is and always has been, pretty kick ass.
I keep telling myself I've still got time for my big accomplishment, but if not, I'll live. Sometimes, I feel like just surviving this dystopian hellscape is accomplishment enough.
Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to feel there are no rules. And even if there were, we wouldn't heed them anyway.
I was in a similar situation, turns out my vitamin D was extremely low. Injections at one of those IV rehydration places was the answer for me. An endocrinologist was the one who finally ordered all the bloodwork under the sun. I’m grateful for her.
I do agree the world is different post covid, people just don’t seem the same.
EMBRACE BOREDOM
Don’t smother it in social media or mindlessly watching a screen. Let it soak in until you just stand up and do something.
I was like you for a long time.
Today I walked my dogs early. Then took a shower. Now I’m at a coffee shop replying to you on Reddit. Then I’m going to wash a car. Then I’m going to play with puppies my wife is fostering. I’m thinking about buying a set of ear buds and signing back up for audible.
I really should ride my bike. And clean the house. And about 10 other chores. But there just isn’t time. There just isn’t time!
Boredom, frustration, and aging led me here. And believe it or not, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Ride it out. See where it takes you.
And see your doctor like everyone else said. That’s good advice.
This is why old men buy motorcycles. It’s a right of passage to lose interest in the frivolous. I’m feeling like this a lot lately. Friends bore me. Hobbies I loved aren’t interesting. I think I just need a refresh. When we are younger, it’s no big deal to pivot. I’ve moved cities so many times. Started over so many times. My interests shifted and I explored new ones. I’m in a new city again but for some reason never reinvented myself here. I just work and go home. I haven’t bothered to find a new friend group or interesting places to go. And I don’t have any motivation to try. Maybe that’s the problem. I have to try. But I am old and tired and taking a nap seems more appealing than hiking with strangers or going to a comedy club or taking a pottery class. So I’m stagnant and don’t move forward like I used to do.
Agree with burnout as an option - I'm not depressed, but I'm burned out as fuck. I feel nothing and start to push everything away, but it's defensive because I need space vs. actually not wanting to do anything. I need to make some changes.
Just stop caring about being successful. I realized by the time
I was 40 that this game is rigged and the goalpost will always be just over the next hill.
I have found forcing myself to sit in the sunshine makes a big difference. A few minutes of cat therapy in the sun feels great.
I also have my cat narrate to me her perspective. "Why do you even have me if you're not going to snuggle with me? Who cares about your bullshit work, papa, I need tummy scratchies. You need more animal protein, get some for me while you're up."
I understand. I had that really bad at 48 and by 50 it had taken a turn for the worse. I started having serious suicidal ideations, moreso than just the general 'life sucks' that I had become accustomed to. So, I checked in to a behavioral health hospital and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I had to limit my interactions with my family, you know, the typical boomer parents stuff that Gen X is familiar with, and some others in my life.
It's been 2 years of medication, therapy and hard work on myself but I've never been happier.
I hope that helps....
Hi, OP. I’m going to start with the negative stuff, but I’ll switch to positive so bear with me. My husband and I quietly think that covid changed some things about the outside world - the biggest for us is how rude and generally rotten quite a few people seem to be to each other. Road rage used to be a crazy thing that only happened in CA. Now there seems to be a thin veneer of awfulness and desperation everywhere. Mass shootings- the news mostly doesn’t even report it. There were SEVEN mass shooting on April 14th alone. There are more mass shooting per month now than days in the month. I don’t care what anyone says - it was NOT like that in the 80’s & 90’s. A woman went to the ER and requested staff that treated her masks because she didn’t want to risk getting covid. They put her in for a 24 hour psych eval and took her phone. Concerts & movie theaters are filled with people on their phones.
Idk. Maybe two things are happening. Social media and NEVER PUTTING PHONES DOWN has destroyed people’s attention spans and polarized them. Then, there’s covid. Multiple large studies show a loss of 3 to 9 IQ points per covid infection. I mean that adds up. Some people are on their sixth covid infection. My husband calls it “covid brain” and thinks maybe for some people covid has harmed the part of the brain that handles empathy and aggression. Then, there’s climate change, war, inflation, a fraught presidential election year, H5N1, and etc.
I’m sorry that there was lots of negative stuff.
It’s a lot. The world is different from what we grew up with. Yes, we’re used to knowing the world could end at any moment, and the adults aren’t going to save our asses. BUT, we had each other. We were never alone.
We still aren’t alone. This subreddit is us. You aren’t alone. Yes, it’s time for the positives.
So… some positives… Dude (this is a non-gender specific Dude). We live in a world where breakthroughs this year are heading towards curing cancer and Alzheimer’s. We have Voyager 1 and 2 that are at the outer reaches of the solar system in interstellar space. NASA etc are actively saying that there is alien life somewhere out there in the universe. An orangutan was seen using a plant on a wound on its face- the same plant the locals use for wounds. Age reversal has been successful in mice. While social media sucks, look at this GenX group. We can share a bad fart, a great book, a bad day, our worst fear, and our best hope with each other. Our Reddit gang for running around before our parents call for us is over a 100,000 Xers. Think about that for a second.
Now for the friend talk. You sound like you might be a bit depressed. The comments telling you to take a walk outside are spot on. There’s a ton of studies showing being around nature has a very positive effect on us humans. Connected to that, how is your vitamin D level? If it’s low, take a vitamin D supplement or get at least 15 min of sun a day (if that’s okay for you). Also, exercise. Exercise does a ton of great stuff for how we feel mentally and physically now plus boosts longevity. I am personally a physical sloth but have an exercise bike that I’m going to start using even if I start at only 5 minutes a day.
Next. Hobbies. What are your interests?? I truly believe that still wanting to learn and try things is a massive part of being happy. What do you wish you knew more about? What do you like? What did you like or dream of as a kid that you could revisit?
Lastly, one of the two most important things, I think, is LOVE. Connections are what it’s all about. I know this. You know this. We all know this (Yes, I stole the phrases from “We all scream for ice cream” lol). As Xers, one of our best superpowers is WE HAVE EACH OTHER. Stay active in our sub. Reach out to old friends you miss. Be open to a new friendship.
You said you & your wife still live together. Whether you are best friends, still in love, all of the above, feel dislike, and etc work on that relationship. If you’re staying together out of love or for the kids, “fractious” is something to try and improve.
If you don’t have a pet and love them, get a dog or a cat if that works for you. Spend a lot of time bonding with it. Pets are often underestimated in how much joy and company they can be, imo.
Be kind to yourself. Be good to yourself. This is often overlooked, but it really does matter. Have a cookie. Take a day just curled up with a purring cat and a good book. Go for a long walk with the dog. Have a long bath with a glass of wine and some 80’s/90’s music playing. Have a LOTR marathon with a friend/spouse and watch all of them. Go to a bookstore and look at a book from every genre. Play Scrabble and try to make only silly words and curse words the whole game even if you lose. Plan a trip somewhere that speaks a language you don’t know and make it a rule that you can’t go until you learn the language- start learning! Okay. These are some things that make ME happy. What are the things that make YOU feel happy and good inside?
Back to the two things that are of utmost importance and the second element of that: MEANING. A lot of the things I’ve written above help craft an origami boat of meaning, We all need meaning and to feel we’re here for a purpose. You have children so “parent” is one of yours. Work on knowing yourself.
Writing daily in a journal might seem silly, but it can do a lot for self-reflection. It can be a powerful tool. So can therapy if you decide you’d like to try that route. Lots of therapists will still zoom so you can even stay home and see a therapist which is kind of awesome. I’m an incest survivor and saw a shrink and attended an incest survivor’s group for a few years in college. The therapy helped me take my life back.
Idk if any of this helped. You’re GenX so we’re in the same gang of friends. I care that you are going through this. I’ve been there. Probably a lot of us have.
Life is wondrous and beautiful. Just watch a butterfly flit around or a seed grow. Remember wonder. Let yourself enjoy the small things. Reach for the stars.
I feel this. I have to work to keep the spark going. I noticed a few years ago that the same things that motivated before no longer do it for me....pretty much because society is garbage, friends dwindle away and I have a steady girlfriend. I look for small things to get excited about......you know, like those damn strawberry candies and shuffle board.
I’m 52 and I have so many balls in the air I have no time to even think. Tho I do get what you’re saying. I can’t say I get super excited about anything anymore. Even taking a vacation is a chore with packing and making sure we have reliable pet care, then worrying I forgot to pack something. I do have some hobbies that I love but working and trying to find the time to actually do those hobbies makes them less appealing.
I would like to suggest tho possibly speaking to a therapist to find if something else is going on. I just found out at age 48 I have adhd. I was turning into a couch potato. Like, I had a bunch of stuff in my head I wanted to do but just couldn’t find the motivation to do it. Medication has helped tremendously. I’m not suggesting jump on meds right away. I’m just saying maybe you should explore how you’re feeling with a professional. Bc I thought I knew everything about myself and then realized I knew nothing.
This has been a similar struggle for me.
Growing up we spent our whole lives reaching the next level.
Get through high school. Check.
Get through college. Check.
Get a career. Check.
Get married. Check.
Own a house. Check.
And now we’re here ….. wherever that is for each of us.
On one hand I say “so this is it? This is only how far I was going to get?”
On the other I say “what’s left? Where do I go? What do I do?”
Deep thoughts Jack Handy
I feel you, especially the fractious part. Kind of affects everything. The money squeeze, too. I'm happier when I'm feeling more financially secure, no doubt about it.
Is our gen really crazy about working out, though? I assumed that was the younger folk. I'm basing too much of my "reality" off social media (especially reddit, but this is my support).
Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.
Just kidding (and that was also for Watchmen fans). As others have said, therapy might help. I would recommend quitting alcohol (if you drink) and exercise.
We all go through dark times and I hope you find a path to the light.
I'm retired early at 53 and was bored too. Started growing cannabis for myself and a few friends/patients and got another dog. Now i'm too busy.
Just do what makes you happy and you'll get sorted.
I was feeling a lot like you and I had blood work done for my annual physical and my numbers for my thyroid were a little off. I went on medication a couple weeks ago and I already have more energy. Maybe try doing blood work with your doctor.
That's why our grandfathers took up hobbies like day drinking, fishing while day drinking, and restoring a car while day drinking.
I went through the "whats the point" phase. Didn't take up my grandfather's hobbies but did start traveling to places where I don't speak the language. Two to three weeks a year I go to Europe and wander aimlessly. I guess history, art, and a tiny bit of culture have given me the will to trudge through the rest of the year.
This is so accurate that I had to make sure I didn’t post this myself - All the “fun” things aren’t fun or worth the effort it takes - I know it’s savage depression and it seems endless -
I hear that. Nothing seems all that interesting any more. I have a wife I love very much, a good job that demands little and pays well, and I live in a pleasant low-stress place. Even my dog is adorable. Now that work isn’t a big ball of stress and I can leave the house without risking death by plague, toxic air, or firestorm, I should be finding hobbies and/or getting out and being social. Everything just seems pointless.
I’ve got things that need doing, to be sure. I need to be planting the garden, I’ve got a few dozen boxes of stuff still packed from the last move, and I really need to exercise. These things bring me no joy.
The only major project I’ve taken on in the past year is re-ripping my cds and organizing my mp3s. That ain’t trivial, as I have about 600 cds and thousands of MP3s. What that’s done is put me on a “where did the time go” trip. I’ve been pleased to find some old music I haven’t listened to in forever. [The Men - Church of Logic, Sin, and Love](https://youtu.be/cCy13kjj13M?si=LmzqYK2_O5Ce2d8I) was a nice find. I took pleasure in sorting out all the duplicates and finding all the metadata (album, year, cover art, etc), especially for some of the really obscure stuff. I’ve been working on this for seven months and I think I’ve got another 2-3 months left.
Lately though, the nostalgia trip just reminds me of lost time. I miss the passion I used to feel for music. I don’t feel passionate about anything any more. I’ve got another decade or more until retirement but then what? I don’t play golf and I hate gardening. Literally my best idea is to find a gaming group of GenX geezers and start an epic D&D game.
Sorry about the purse dump. I’m just saying you’re not alone.
Find something to “do” and it could be as stupid as watching KDramas like I do lol. I’m almost 50 as well and I have no desire anymore to climb the corporate ladder or have crazy goals. I used to be so driven and competitive but for some reason the last few years I developed F it and F everyone attitude hahaha. On the bright side, I rarely worry and stress about anything anymore. I still work full time and I get paid a decent amount of money. Sure, I can get promoted. But that’s just added responsibilities that I have no desire to take anymore. My kids are grown and we’ll be empty-nesters soon. I have a good relationship with my husband and maybe things will “feel” better when it’s just the two of us again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed. I don’t think so…or I’m just in denial. Who knows? I don’t even have the desire to find out. I don’t feel sad or anything. But sometimes it does feel like “is this it? Is this life?”.
God, who knows anymore.
Your aren’t alone. It’s the quiet desperation they talk about.
My thinking is this, hustle culture is a burnout crap. It’s not healthy and not the world we grew up with. Slow living is wonderful. Contentment, well that’s the goal and maybe you are more content than you think and are getting ready to cut the excess. You will work this out. I think it’s that crisis we have in the midpoint of life where we come to terms with who we are.
49 male here. Started testosterone replacement last year. Game changer. They put these tiny pellets in the meaty part of your hip. Every 4 or 5 months.
Lost weight. Tons of energy. Feel much younger. Riding the bike. Lifting. Can focus at work. Sleep better.
Cost is about $100 per month.
Google mens hormone replacement near me and make an appointment. Best thing you’ll ever do at this point in your life.
I agree with the posts that talk about depression or cleaning up your diet, not drinking etc. But also look into **anhedonia**, which is on the rise due to screwed up dopamine levels caused by over saturation of online content.
**BUT**...,also, I think GenX can see the cultural canvas for what it is, a shell game. We got blocked by Boomers and dismissed by Millennials. Our employers, mostly, worked us into the ground and we got almost nothing out of it. The economy too.
I just think, heading into the back half of our lives, we are less willing to care or invest as much in, well, anything. Trends, plans, goals, dreams - just haven't worked out too well for our generation, as a whole. We are just hunkering down, keeping things simple, trying to limit the fall out from whatever comes next...but still be chill. At least, that's my take.
I’m a yoga and meditation teacher. I think that the effects of COVID lockdown on our society aren’t being addressed. I’ve been really considering running a meditation class called “COVID ate my brain,” to give people an opportunity to share in a nonjudgmental space how their world has shifted and come to grips with that through some inner work. I’m not sure what I would do if someone needed more psychological help than what I can offer. But I feel we all need support to process what happened to us. I talk to so many people who feel lost post-COVID.
I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. Without knowing you or your situation, let me just say that lack of motivation is the number one sign that I’m headed into a depressive state and need help. You should consider finding a therapist. If only to have someone to talk to. I’m closer to 60 and it doesn’t get easier. I’m in a good place now. Am trying to switch careers and have several things to challenge me. Please consider it.
I call it Middle Age Malaise. I had it through a lot of my 40s and am kind of just getting out of it at 53. I have had longtime antidepressant meds and therapy and such but also lately have dabbled in a couple of mindfulness resources that teach you to how to retrain/rewire your brain in ways that can help you enjoy life more, and they have helped.
I am by no means a disciplined practitioner or zealot about any of this, but [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/8190105914/ref=asc_df_8190105914?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693449522341&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=145886327701919464&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9073497&hvtargid=pla-406475568695&psc=1&mcid=8aa8dbde824a3502954abe7a190b9a89&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwouexBhAuEiwAtW_Zx9YlK7sBrn_mAxkIPF_JNMERqU9dN-FzsskHCyDQqJyX3YLWC3HwTBoCjp8QAvD_BwE&dplnkId=68a19fab-3471-471a-8503-20df7fd78d09&nodl=1) and [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1E6UWGRHL5NNV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xdPqKSFJdA7Bv3pdLAgTWpDY6M6TxKKKMJXsZrIOamdziNUyP6GUutsTRI2Cm_oSPeyqyr_ccS6mAizAIHTNVUU78PzMKqzZbdf5x2SzD8ga5lvOeIGqjtsc3lvGF2RyZsS4lJAJGBEnZC7UOdFAE2l0r4sl8mkmH8JEX9laIm0wKSbO_MnsP5vAGRoW48wbq2m0M7F7xgvouYh6m6zLVA.d8szKg4WR1N-Fu3V5mKanY8K_SNGTm3KiYCBUtiaNHE&dib_tag=se&keywords=buddhas+brain&qid=1715104228&sprefix=buddhas+brain%2Caps%2C72&sr=8-1) gave me some tools to be more deliberate in how my mind approaches everything in my daily life and help minimize the ways we humans tend to naturally perpetuate our own suffering.
This post Covid world is the worst. People aren’t doing this anymore. Parks are empty. You go outside you don’t hear children playing anymore like you used to. The environment is so damn extreme, You don’t even want to go outside anymore.
It’s rare and surprising that you go into a place of business or just out in public at all and somebody is personable and nice. It seems like everybody is trying to make your day just as bad as theirs. Nothing is open past 8 anymore and if it is you don’t want to go there especially restaurants. Late dinner experience it’s literally rolling the dice on your own health because the people who work at night are not the best employees in the world.
I mean, we did the one thing that was unimaginable and killed the 24 hour Walmart and I hate Walmart, I don’t even go in there but that’s a hard thing to do.
And I don’t care if it sounds like an old man yelling at a cloud, but we walk around all day staring at screens arguing with people on social media platforms that aren’t there. That’s fucking crazy.
Find a hobby, take up gardening, beekeeping, camp, hike, learn to play an instrument, kayak, take up astronomy, get a gym membership, volunteer, take classes at a local community college, listen to audio books with your kids, take your spouse out on a date....
....the list goes on and on. For me I am still that kid let loose in the 70s--but now my "bike" goes SO MUCH further...
I am also almost 50 and finding myself in a similar spot. I keep thinking of a They Might Be Giants quote: “Now it’s over, I’m dead and I haven’t done anything that I want, or I’m still alive and there’s nothing I want to do”.
You are NOT alone...I'm 50 with 3 young daughters....I feel the pain and pressure. I'm not smart enough to give you any effective advice....just wanted to let you know you are not by yourself in these kinds of thoughts.
All I can tell you is that it's not an uncommon malaise.
And why wouldn't it be when all the obvious and easily accessible stuff falls in the "been there, done that" category?
I'm 45 and don't get this. I messed up my 20s (had way too much fun, but also too much sorrow, partied too much and eventually became a heroin addict, which I have been clean from for 20 years now)... I have more things to do but not the time to do them.
I want to play guitar, kayak, hike, paint, play video games, watch movies, go visit museums, trails etc... But work and health get in the way. I'd love to have more time off for thr same pay..but I guess that's what retirement is for. If you are still healthy enough by then.. Grrr.
From one cancer patient to another I hope you are doing well! Cancer is a bitch but life after treatment is much sweeter. I hope you are there or close to being done.
I too am enjoying life. My disease was a wake up call that I was just existing until Friday and living for weekends and missing out on all the things I could be doing. I am doing more during the week and not letting work get in the way of enjoying life!
Highly recommend a therapist. Try a few until one clicks with you. You sound like you may be depressed, beyond the general malaise that many of us feel as we hit our supposed "midlife" and contemplate what did and didn't happen in our lives. Besides that, though, find a hobby, don't neglect friends, start a gratitude journal - just note a couple things each day that you are thankful for - and find ways to savor your experiences. A lot of life is just noticing - birds singing, your kids laughter, the taste of a favorite food or cold drink, etc. And the best way to feel motivation is often helping others. If you are looking for meaning, there's a place to start.
It’s very common for most people to have this happen to them around 50 years old. It usually lasts a couple of years. It’s a time of readjusting and putting the past and future into perspective. Often there is sadness and remorse accompanying this time frame as well. Just know it doesn’t last forever just like the teen years don’t last forever. You’ll get through it and start enjoying your 50’s before you know it!!
You are describing depression. Honestly we think depression is some kind of "I'm so sad I want to die" but it's actually more like "i don't really care either way."
Tell your doctor. There could be physical issues like heart disease that can do weird things to our brains. Then at least you'll know. Its not normal and ok to be like this for too long, you have a long life to get through, and you can't just muscle through after not having feelings for a while. Good luck friend.
I have a saying related to this discussion:
“50 is the new I don’t give a fuck.”
There is something to be said for the mental freedom of a certain level of apathy that age seems to bring. I think the key is riding the attitude enough to enjoy some well earned slack, but not so much that it feels like life has become meaningless.
It sounds like you might need a little rebalance there. Prioritize what you enjoy and what’s important to you, and aim some motivation towards those things. Perhaps even set a few goals or aspirations for yourself.
On the rest, enjoy the mental freedom the perspective of age has brought. And if someone questions your healthy level of well earned apathy, just tell them:
“Hey man. 50 is the new I don’t give a fuck.”
What helped me find an interest in the world was actually finding a group of people who are really excited about life. My regular crowd was all in a funk and I was right there with them. Being around a new group of people from a diverse set of backgrounds who viewed me as a “valued elder and community member” who were really excited about what we were working on really changed my mindset. Still tired of the grind, still hate stressing about finances and retirement, but at least I’ve been able to hang out with people who are pumped about life and free with hugs has been a nice change.
LAWRENCE
NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
PETER
Besides two chicks at the same time?
LAWRENCE
Oh yeah.
PETER
Nothing.
LAWRENCE
Nothing, huh?
PETER
I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing.
LAWRENCE
You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my
cousin. He's broke and don't do shit.
My dude, we appear to have reached our Hamlet' first soliloquy stage in life.
"How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!
Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden,
that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature
possess it merely."
Things feel dismal and we wish they would right themselves without our having to take action. I think of it as being a sort of mid-life mixture of ennui and weltschmerz.
Then just enjoy your life man. You don’t have to “do” anything. This whole “must have goals, must work out, must tell someone about it” society we live in is kind of crap and isn’t good for simply appreciating the things we like. It’s a marathon, not a competition.
While I agree- I would also suggest to the OP, and everyone- GO FOR A WALK, preferably in nature (20 minutes is al you need). Do it as many days as you can every week. It's not a goal. It is just something to enjoy that has documented mental health benefits. A way to enjoy life.
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Prancercise anyone?? [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-50GjySwew](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-50GjySwew)
Walking outside on a breezy day is great for your digestion. Good place to let out those post meal farts.
My dog & I need a post dinner walk. Sometimes I'm too weirded out by walking in the afternoon. So stupid- I always enjoy
I often have to postpone it, as there are always more chores to be done, but squeezing in a brisk walk somewhere before bedtime does everyone a fair shake of good. Me, my dog and my housemates. Morning walkies are a dog owner’s priority. A little more wiggle room in the middays.
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A little mincing would be nice too.
It's a good day when you add a sashay.
Skipping works too. We actually forget how to do it as we age. Skip in public for just 10 feet and see if you can avoid smiling.
Normally I would agree with you that skipping makes you smile but... ...I was in a bad mood the other day and I tried doing *just that* to lift my spirits and damned if I didn't roll my ankle. Not sprained or broken, but I did end up on the grass telling myself that my brain may be 18 but my body is north of 50 and I need to remember that!
I highly recommend a few good shimmies a day in lieu of any skipping or vigorous activities we once found easy. A good 30 second shimmy is where it’s at. You’ll work up to 90 seconds after a while.
A nice perambulation.
Shall we saunter?
I prefer a nice mosey.
Shall we go .... you and I while we can ...through .. the transitive nightfall of diamonds?
God I love my fellow gen x'ers. Just this simple comment makes me smile.
We all know what you think, Smithers.
I’m a hard core frolicker.
Frolicking but no tumbling? Philistine!
Best I can do is meander. Will that work?
I think that walking saves my life everyday. And if I’m on my workouts? Oh baby. I feel HAPPY and young. Currently not keeping up with my workouts and feeling burned out much like OP. I don’t know why I avoid my strength training when I know how good it makes me feel. WTF is wrong with me? Still walking everyday though. Thanks to my dogs.
Agreed. Having a dog really gets you outside. Highly recommended.
I got a dog when I was in my 50s and nearly done with life. Adopting a rescue puppy gave me something to live for. He's 11 now.
I was gonna suggest the same thing. If you love animals, a dog could be the answer. They say that petting a dog lowers your blood pressure. Plus the absolute love and loyalty a dog has for its owner is second to none.
or even foster one!
I know it doesn't cure all ills, but you are so right. It's a simple, easy thing to do (if you are physically able to) that pays off in spades.
Yeah, just watch the clouds change, watch the bugs in your garden, enjoy the little things. And breath.
This is great advice. Taking up disc golf again in early 2022 really helped get me out of my malaise and bad habits and back into enjoying life.
I am very grateful to my dog: every day I need to take my dog out for a walk, at least 20 minutes, twice a day. Whether I feel like it or not, whether the weather is good or bad. The dog has to do his business. I think it has done me a lot of good - making me get outside a little bit every day.
But I hate nature! No seriously I have detested gum trees as long as I can remember lol
Nature heals. 💜
Second this! It works wonders. I do the same route morning and evening. Watching the metamorphosis day by day over the past three months from winter into spring has felt magical.
But when there‘s nothing left to enjoy? Stuff I used to like feels blah, there’s also nothing interesting anymore at all.
Lower your expectations. Sounds dumb, but that is the mental condition that 9/11 hit us with - always expecting something to be good/bad. Let all that shit go (it takes time), but it will start to be more apparent the longer you practice.
I’m intrigued by your views and would like to subscribe to your newsletter. Seriously, I’m interested in your 9/11 connection. Can you elaborate?
The end of the 90s and start of the new millennium was a very very positive time in the US. The economy was great despite the dotcom bubble bursting. Memories of the first Iraq war were pretty faded from memory. Those of coming into age around that time had all of our hopes and dreams shattered on 9/11. Why? Because we knew we'd be dealing with endless wars, terrorism fears, introduction of the TSA, Patriot act.... ugh.
9/11 was the day irony died for our generation.
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That CD sold pretty well, doncha think?
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I read this in The Dude's voice and it works.
Fuckin A
The Dude abides…
Gen X abides
Do we?…
If any generation abides, it's us.
Nihilists dude.
Say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.
I need to go find a marmot.
I need to find a lady friend who needs my help conceiving.
No Donny, these men are cowards.
Shut the fuck up Donny!
Yup. Nearing 50 myself, & I'm about to move from Chicago to Seattle. I don't have a lot of money, & going through the apartment wondering what I'm selling vs what I'm keeping has been interesting. I'm selling most of my guitars (I'm keeping one, though I don't know which one) & selling most of my guns (again, not sure which singular one I wanna keep). I'm at a loss for what to do with almost 3K of ammo, that would take DAYS to shoot off. People change over time, I've been more of a minimalist over the past decade... I'm about to become even more minimal in the coming years. I really only *need* my PS5. I had to grow up quickly as a young man, & when I hit my 30's I found a simple joy in gaming. It's interactive story telling. I enjoy photography, but don't have the money for a *nice* camera, so I just take photos with my phone & Olympus 790SW. So it goes.
Sell the ammo to those who purchased the weapon from you, with a fair discount. You can use the money.
Yeah, but the problem is that most gun stores don't want to purchase ammo. They're afraid they're "reloads" & I've worked in gun ranges & that's a legit worry... because many people reload like shit & swap out the good factory ammo with the garbage they make... & it's to "save" like .06 a round.
While I agree, you have to be careful about letting yourself go. If you just become a couch potato, that’s when the body will start to break down
And then that makes it exponentially worse because now I’m made at myself for that as well -
This is it. The idea that you must find 'purpose' in life and work tirelessly towards it to live a fulfilling lifestyle is a scam perpetrated by our form of malignant capitalism.
Scary how many people label this depression.
Adding to this, it's also a good idea to find new interests or hobbies. Simple ones like walking which has been mentioned can be one of them.
My favorite line in the Hsin Hsin Ming is, "The wise man strives to no goals." :)
My man.
I’m 47 and you just absolutely nailed it in terms of how I’m feeling as well. Ultimately I think it’s our phones that are doing it. It’s just so easy to find some calm and a tiny bit of pleasure on them, and you have to put in zero work to get it. It makes the work of acquiring anything else in life seem like a waste, since a lot of what you strive for ends up not being worth it in the end. But that’s just my guess.
Glad you mentioned phones. They’ve changed everything.
I remember when "internet addiction" was a thing Now nearly everyone is hooked, so we rarely use the term
People like to downplay how much of an impact smartphones have had... but never in the history of humanity has it been so easy to just instantly check out of the moment you exist in and do something more stimulating/enjoyable. Sure people have always been able to space out or not care, but the ubiquity of the smartphone has made it possible to replace almost every moment of discomfort one might experience at any point in the day with a custom tailored feed of images and videos to distract yourself with. This isn't even a "the kids aren't OK!" rant. And it isn't just the kids, it's everyone including my elderly parents. It's just an observation that the time between "I'm bored" or "this is slightly uncomfortable" and being distracted from that thing, for anyone with a smart phone, is the time it takes them to reach in their pocket, pull the phone out, and open an app. When we look back at this period of history, I don't think we'll be celebrating this change in the way people interact with each other and themselves.
Yeah, I think phones are ruining the world and society.
Yea. I stopped using Facebook or anything like that. Reddit is poison too. Should get the f away
Anytime I get frustrated with any little aspect, I turn to my phone for a quick distraction. It sucks!!!!
There is a point at which you have fewer days ahead than you have behind you. Many things lose their appeal. It's natural that this includes- Caring what other people think about you Stuff, things, fashion, consuming, getting the newest and latest thing Career progress Putting effort into relationships that aren't very important Pretending to be something you aren't I found a hobby and pursued interests reading about art and design. I've no desire to consume stuff or please anyone but myself and my Wife. I need to prevent boredom. Doesn't matter what you do, doesn't matter if it feels pointless, just do something anyway. I believe life is meaningless, but you need to live as though it's not. That way you can have some joy from the little things between now and when you croak. COVID shifted the focus for a lot of us.
Ironically. I decided to develop a sense of fashion as I neared 50. Not really fashion as depicted on social media, but a more defined sense of a personal aesthetic. I intend to be one of those put-together older men walking downtown for coffee on weekend mornings
ooo same - my therapist asked me once what kind of old lady I want to be, and I told her one of those elegantly-dressed ladies with long silver hair, big sunglasses, and ballet flats, traveling to nice places and going to museums and cafes. it's a vibe.
Hey you just described me!
You sound fun! I hope to see you at the Louvre!
The green lady in NYC comes to mind.
Yep. I want to be my own fabulous construction. But with comfortable shoes. Otherwise I've lost all motivation to do anything right now.
This is awesome and I wish I could do this but damn I love my cargo shorts!
I love your cargo shorts too!
>I love my cargo shorts! Get a pair of New Balance shoes with white socks and you're all set.
That’s the spirit! The Italians call this sprezzatura!
We call it Ozempic
😂
Meanwhile, I want to put off an earth mother vibe with flowy dresses and a penchant for growing things. I’ve always been more comfortable in my natural state than all made up, I just need to work on my physical health.
I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Things I used to love and get super-excited for - like concerts, trips, big new video games, etc. - no longer do it for me in the same way. It's like I still enjoy the same things, but everything's just a bit duller, as if the edges have been sanded down or something. I've been wondering how much of this is biology, and how much of it is being jaded from experience? I've certainly had my share of fun experiences, but now there is a big feeling of 'been there, done that' with so many of them.
I call this the normal curve of experience. The more experiences you have as you age, the more they cluster around the middle of the normal distribution and the fewer experiences land outside one standard deviation. My Gen Z son might have an "amazing meal" that for me is just enh. The long trips to exotic places I took in my youth now offer diminishing returns. Each day is more and more a Groundhog Day and few things can break me out of that normal distribution.
I'm a stats-guy and I love that explanation. I read long ago (a psych course in university, probably) that the way to 'extend' time is to continually try different things and to open yourself up to new experiences & hobbies. This fits nicely with what you're saying.
Yeah concerts don’t do it for me anymore either. It’s hard to enjoy them when you see your rock gods of the ‘80s getting on stage with walkers, fat, barely able to carry on a tune, with half the band members young and unknown. Not to mention every other person sticking up their stupid phones, blocking my view, trying to be amateur videographers.
It's not the concerts themselves. I still go to a bunch of shows a year, and in fact am about a week away from going to a 4-day rock festival. I will have a bunch of beers, jump around until my knees hurt, sing until I'm hoarse, and generally have a great time while there. What has changed is everything surrounding it. The pain-in-the-ass of getting there, dealing with being super-tired for the next couple of days, organizing my friends to buy tickets, the idea that I've seen a particular band multiple times already, etc. I used to love getting AMPED for a show, so much that it was part of the whole experience. That just doesn't happen anymore and I find myself focusing more on the rigmarole.
If you did something you truly never did before, it would likely be exciting. Probably not as exciting as teenage firsts are exciting, but it would perk you you. Me, I don't like exciting, so I do the same things and look forward to them. I'd rather go back to the same restaurants I like in Florence or Paris than go off to a new city if you gave me a choice, but I try to see somewhere new as well. Of course, I live in London and won't even go south of the river, so it's not like I'm hunting for new things to do already.
Well said.
Really an excellent summary of how my wife and I are seeing things now. The forced break from work during Covid really opened our eyes and gave us a taste for early retirement. It's going to happen as soon as we can guarantee our current lifestyle while still having medical insurance, which for many of us is tied directly to our employers. This is how they keep us coming to work - taking away our health care if we want to quit early.
Health insurance is keeping me working too. We could make it fine otherwise, but every time I run the numbers, I run out of money long-term if I factor in reasonable health insurance before 65.
Purpose arises from having something to do. “Nothing is so insufferable to man as to be completely at rest, without passions, without business, without diversion, without study.” -Blaise Pascal
Well said.
I feel this. I’ve found myself recently thinking that most times when I leave the house, I’m having a crappy experience. Crowds, prices, drivers, food quality, any service like the mechanics or going to the movies, and peoples selfish attitudes have all gotten crappier.
I feel this too, and I try to muster up the gratitude that at least I had 40 years of living in a “better world” before things started getting worse. We have lived in a good window of time. Unless something drastic changes, younger people have to live out most of their life in an increasingly dystopian world.
. We have lived in a good window of time" That's the bad part about us growing in maybe the best time in recorded history...the 80s/90s...its impossible to top it and looking like it has been all downhill since 2000-present
I used to look out my window and say "Peace in my valley!" It's rare in history to live in a country with basically no physical danger and a time of plenty.
100% true. Just had this convo last week with my(50m) best and really only friend(53m) now. We have grown up in the best time and place to have lived in my opinion. Even having grown up, and lived most of our lives as "poors" in America, it is a tough bar to surpass the happiness of a youth and young adult life like we were afforded here in the U.S. Some days it is tough to motivate myself to care about anything, knowing that retrenchment of the U.S. and the ensuing entropy is inevitable. Having a 10 year old to raise is the only thing that helps me stay grounded and tap into the massively depleted reservoir of give a shit that I have lefr. I just suck it up and drive on because I know I need to stay healthy and prepare my kid for life in a world very different from the one we grew up in.
sad but true
Better world? More naive world more like. Finding out more about people on the interwebs/post DJT world has not been a good thing for our mental health. People are crap, but they’ve always been like that, we just didn’t have the pathways to know, we were naive. The last 10-15 years have been interesting to say the least. Definitely cut down my core of people I interact with on there (including family). Still, find happiness in the simple things like other people have said…nature/walks/fishing/associating with people/causes that are inherently good, etc.
Everything is so expensive too, and then I feel like that wasn’t worth the money when I’m happier at home anyway.
Yes! Every time I want to buy something, I decide it's too expensive. And then when I override that concern and buy it anyway, it's kind of a let down. It makes me wonder why I even left my house in the first place.
I'm with you. 45 here and I'm fresh out of motivation. It all seems pointless. I work, pay bills, rinse and repeat. It's as if life has been sucked right out of me.
Sounds like depression. I've been there and have had the exact same feelings. I suggest therapy and maybe medication. I know it's not the greatest solution, but it's better than the way you're feeling now. It's worked wonders for me.
Don't trick yourself into thinking you have to feel sad or hopeless to have depression. Loss of motivation is a very common symptom. Could also be untreated ADHD, which is what drove my very similar feelings.
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Same, medication wasn’t so much a cure as a way to bring the issues down to a manageable level.
I second this. At a minimum, rule out depression.
52- slept in till 2 yesterday. Energy levels on days I don’t have anything planned is near zero. Hope this isn’t the new normal
Like other replies on this thread have said, get some bloodwork done, get into therapy, examine your eating habits, and examine how much time you spend online. There's a possibility that some of these are signals of depression. Otoh, at a point, you recognize that some things aren't really worth the effort you put into them. Things like certain fashion choices, hairstyles, friendships and a few other things. When stuff like that happens, it's partially because your energy is lowering, and partially because your g-a-d broke. u/BlueDotty above said it best. (I haven't found a mechanic for the g-a-d ... Haven't looked very hard, either) So, it's really just the next step in life. Caring less for others' opinions, allowing yourself to do less, allowing yourself to do what you*want to do* instead of have to, and recognizing that you were held hostage by caring for others' opinions. Good luck to all of us.
I feel this... Bad... I have an amazing wife, a daughter who's about to get her Master's, I retired at 40 (currently 46) and I just can't be fucked to do anything. I don't understand it. My wife married this guy who built businesses and fixed things and took care of problems and now I'm just "buy a new one" or "what's this new video game?".... I'm hoping I'm just in a slump but I'm not really sure. This could just be my new life and I'm not ok with it. I did have an unexpected triple bypass last Oct and I've been off since then but I don't think that's the excuse. I think that's the start and that's the worry.
I had a quadruple bypass at 48 years old and I haven't ever been the same. It's not an excuse. It actually can change you.
How did it change you? I wouldn't say I'm depressed though I have the symptoms of it I guess... I don't "feel depressed" if that makes sense... I just don't feel like doing anything. Ex: wife and I are about to land in Chicago. We've been gone a month... Went to Vietnam, Malaysia and visited her family in the Philippines. A great trip by anyone's measure... I enjoyed it but only kinda. Personally I just want to get home, see my cat, sit in my basement.
Sounds like classic ennui as a reaction to our somewhat broken society. Just because it is common doesn't make it any less impactful for you. Know you are not alone - a massive swath of 20th/21st century literature and film is about people dealing with this. Check out Kurosawa's "Ikiru" as a template for it. You'll be told, and it could be accurate, that this is "depression". The symptoms match - but I don't like the overall framing. We consider depression a problematic response when things are fine, but things are not fine. Not for anyone. We have serious, serious, serious issues in the world boiling over right now. To not feel dread or anxiety is to be blindly insane. To feel comfortable focusing on "normal" business-as-usual for your career is also blindly insane. Most of us have no choice though - we are not being paid well to plant trees, teach empathy, or de-pollute the oceans. If we want health insurance, we have to write software to help ads perform better, master speculative trading of virtual commodities, or something at least as banal. Our brains are wired to work, but not to work at bullshit (or actively damaging) jobs. I wish I had answers for you, but those I do have are already here (and possibly in the art I alluded to above). Possibly held in timeless philosophies or spiritual texts - be here now, enjoy the present, allow creativity to flow through you, embrace connection, worship nature, touch grass, all that. I know it is easier said than done when you're exhausted from sitting all day and your brain has been yelled at by increasingly complex ads, but what small relief I have found does come these thing, in a nutshell: - Become as simplistic and minimalist as you can, on a material level - That doesn't mean live like a monk (though that could work too). Buy fewer things, but higher quality things. Enjoy the few tools you do have. Could be a nicer monitor, better camera, boots that fit better. Just make sure your stuff is good, and stop allowing any more crap to accumulate - Get outside. Any way you can. Walk, hike, bike, whatever. Depends on where you are, but make this a priority. I was stuck in the wastelands of southern california for a while and started to find it incredibly nourishing to study the weeds that grow in parking lot cracks. I started to love the disgustingly artificial ecosystem of the concrete LA River complex. Some cool birds there - poor things think it is a real river. - Improve your physical health - it is an upstream battle with all the shitty food and sedentary activity pushed at you. But beat the system by walking as much as possible, eating as plant-based as possible - Connect with others. Hardest on the list for me. Our social-media era makes this actively difficfult. But do your best to actually TALK to others. Call them, write to them. Use the internet here only as a last resort. I need to do better here, so let me know if you figure it out. Everyone will say "just use meetup.com" but that is not really enough. You'll have to be more resourceful and creative. - Love your brain - keep learning, consider peak experiences (chemical or experience induced), learn to still your mind - Do art; not to get it into some gallery or even to get good at it, but because the process itself is the goal. Compost everything you make to prove this to yourself. Play music, build cabinets with handtools, draw comics - whatever works for you. Tell your stories, explain your frustrations, I for one would absolutely read a newsletter from someone talking about raising kids and the "uninhabited as any zombie movie" world you are describing. Your experience is valid. I see you. Now see yourself, and make it suck a little bit less.
An excellent thoughtful post.
this was nice :)
Existential Ennui. We never reckoned with what happened over Covid. Our leadership, most people...basically all Americans. Our leadership essentially told us...in some cases literally...that we as real live human beings were not as important as the concept of an economy. We are literally nothing of value outside the context of this. This was transmitted to every single person out there. We all heard it, too. Doesn't matter what your political alignment is, you heard it and you internalized it...as did we all. We have no great projects. We have no great shared goals. We are just an economy. That's fucked up when you look at it. Sorry, I know this doesn't help, but it's probably driving what's wrong here.
Middle-aged person realizes the inherent futility of existence, the long, long grind of the universe into nothingness, nothing saved or even remembered, the realization that all of humanity's history will be the tiniest, momentary spark in a vast black timeless void. And here's Tom with the weather.
lol
I prefer Bill Hicks' version, except shrooms instead of acid. Helped pull me out of a decade of serious depression.
Perfect quote for this conversation. I love Bill Hicks.
Get your levels checked, thyroid etc... make sure you have proper nutrition, I've noticed my body is a lot less forgiving of a poor diet especially not enough protein will make me feel blah. Go to therapy, speak about depression and what you want. This age is hard, post covid is hard, ask for help. I know we were raised to be self sufficient, but that's a fallacy. People need help, it's normal.
This! Go to your general doc (get one if you don't have one). They can test Testosterone, thyroid, Iron, vitamin D, etc. and see if there's something contributing to your lethargy. 2 things I think make the biggest difference to take are fish oil supplements and vitamin D. Start some sort of weight lifting, too. There's so many studies that show it helps us as we age. Even if it's just some dumbbells or a kettlebell you get off FB Marketplace, it can really help.
My theory is that bad diet (esp high sugar and bad carbs) kills your T levels, which drains you of energy and makes you very negative. Stop eating junk, and limit calories overall, and see how you feel in a few days.
I agree. I'm finally making a decent effort to limit sugar, carbs and portion size. At 57, they both make me feel like absolute garbage. Have slowly started to lose weight and am feeling better in the process. Finally gave up my weekend binge drinking last year. My body just can't handle it anymore, and good fucking riddance. Try some movement. AM pushups and stretching, walking, going to start biking again, and doing some gardening is all the exercise I need. Trying to ingrain these things as habits and it seems to be taking.
Depression is also a cause of ahedonia, or the lack of enjoyment in activities that previously excited you.
Men go through similar hormone changes around 50 as women do and what you’re describing could be caused by dropping testosterone levels. I’m a woman, but experiencing similar. It’s not like there are a million things I want to be doing, but don’t have them energy for. There’s just nothing I want to do. And I’m always tired. But I’m not depressed. It’s very weird.
As a guy, exact same. My life by all measures is absolutely great, wouldn't call it depressed, I'm content, just not very interested.
I feel the same man. The world changed so much in just few years. The politics is going crazy. The people morality is going crazy. Everything is oversaturated, yet nothing has any quality. Everything we liked, everything we stood for, is now considered bad, or ridicilous. I really feel like world has flipped. The worst thing is that i had to relocate because the job, and now I have no friends to actually hang out with ( close by ). And anything I do feels pointless. Why bother ? Right ?
I hate overused quotes so much but it's true: You can't change the world but you can change yourself. Stop watching the news. Avoid assholes to the best of your ability. You gotta look for beauty, it's there trust me. Source: I've struggled with depression my entire life, and I'm still alive because it does get better.
You said it. I don't trust all these *ohhh you're depressed comments* are even from real genxers
After cancer surgery and menopause, I have to constantly remind myself of what makes me feel better and then force myself to do those things. Sunlight. Dog walks. Writing. Getting off Reddit… have a good one.
I feel you man. Before covid I was a performing musician, a published artist, and a fledgling actor. All amateur efforts I did after work hours. Now as I approach 49 I have lost all creative urges. I just work, work out, and sleep. Waiting to die.
Crazy. As artist I feel that too. Its pointless. Especially Since I feel that we gen-x are completely irrelevant now. We grew up in different time when being different was cool, being unique was cool. Listening to strange bands, watching really obscure movies. Today is the age of herd, of tribe. Anything different is branded unacceptable...heck even dangerous. Our tastes are not cool but weird, even borderlane insane by today standards. Its the age of clones. Every egg is the same, and if you stand out you are discarded.
I had my 50th less than 2 weeks ago. I dreaded it for months, and I've never concerned myself with something as arbitrary as age. But, as I overthink everything, this became a puzzle I needed to work out. And I dont know that I've had some epiphany, but a bit of insight. I am pretty sure that I thought I'd have accomplished something "important" by now. But, my plans were thwarted over a decade ago by disability. And so I figure all I've done of worth right now is to raise a kid who is and always has been, pretty kick ass. I keep telling myself I've still got time for my big accomplishment, but if not, I'll live. Sometimes, I feel like just surviving this dystopian hellscape is accomplishment enough. Be gentle with yourself. Feel what you need to feel there are no rules. And even if there were, we wouldn't heed them anyway.
I was in a similar situation, turns out my vitamin D was extremely low. Injections at one of those IV rehydration places was the answer for me. An endocrinologist was the one who finally ordered all the bloodwork under the sun. I’m grateful for her. I do agree the world is different post covid, people just don’t seem the same.
EMBRACE BOREDOM Don’t smother it in social media or mindlessly watching a screen. Let it soak in until you just stand up and do something. I was like you for a long time. Today I walked my dogs early. Then took a shower. Now I’m at a coffee shop replying to you on Reddit. Then I’m going to wash a car. Then I’m going to play with puppies my wife is fostering. I’m thinking about buying a set of ear buds and signing back up for audible. I really should ride my bike. And clean the house. And about 10 other chores. But there just isn’t time. There just isn’t time! Boredom, frustration, and aging led me here. And believe it or not, I’m happier than I’ve ever been. Ride it out. See where it takes you. And see your doctor like everyone else said. That’s good advice.
Enjoy your life and take it easy. Time to play B sides.
Burn out the day Burn out the night
This is why old men buy motorcycles. It’s a right of passage to lose interest in the frivolous. I’m feeling like this a lot lately. Friends bore me. Hobbies I loved aren’t interesting. I think I just need a refresh. When we are younger, it’s no big deal to pivot. I’ve moved cities so many times. Started over so many times. My interests shifted and I explored new ones. I’m in a new city again but for some reason never reinvented myself here. I just work and go home. I haven’t bothered to find a new friend group or interesting places to go. And I don’t have any motivation to try. Maybe that’s the problem. I have to try. But I am old and tired and taking a nap seems more appealing than hiking with strangers or going to a comedy club or taking a pottery class. So I’m stagnant and don’t move forward like I used to do.
47 - I’ve found volunteering a worthwhile pursuit
You sound depressed. Please consider seeing a doctor/therapist. I wish you well.
this! So many things can affect mood that it really is worth a Dr visit. Peace!
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Agree with burnout as an option - I'm not depressed, but I'm burned out as fuck. I feel nothing and start to push everything away, but it's defensive because I need space vs. actually not wanting to do anything. I need to make some changes.
Just stop caring about being successful. I realized by the time I was 40 that this game is rigged and the goalpost will always be just over the next hill.
I have found forcing myself to sit in the sunshine makes a big difference. A few minutes of cat therapy in the sun feels great. I also have my cat narrate to me her perspective. "Why do you even have me if you're not going to snuggle with me? Who cares about your bullshit work, papa, I need tummy scratchies. You need more animal protein, get some for me while you're up."
I found this hysterical and spot on. Thanks to you and your feline. (Tummy scratchies hahaha)
I understand. I had that really bad at 48 and by 50 it had taken a turn for the worse. I started having serious suicidal ideations, moreso than just the general 'life sucks' that I had become accustomed to. So, I checked in to a behavioral health hospital and was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety. I had to limit my interactions with my family, you know, the typical boomer parents stuff that Gen X is familiar with, and some others in my life. It's been 2 years of medication, therapy and hard work on myself but I've never been happier. I hope that helps....
After 32 years in the IT grind I frankly am completely out of fucks and am holding on to any motivation I can find by my fingernails.
Hi, OP. I’m going to start with the negative stuff, but I’ll switch to positive so bear with me. My husband and I quietly think that covid changed some things about the outside world - the biggest for us is how rude and generally rotten quite a few people seem to be to each other. Road rage used to be a crazy thing that only happened in CA. Now there seems to be a thin veneer of awfulness and desperation everywhere. Mass shootings- the news mostly doesn’t even report it. There were SEVEN mass shooting on April 14th alone. There are more mass shooting per month now than days in the month. I don’t care what anyone says - it was NOT like that in the 80’s & 90’s. A woman went to the ER and requested staff that treated her masks because she didn’t want to risk getting covid. They put her in for a 24 hour psych eval and took her phone. Concerts & movie theaters are filled with people on their phones. Idk. Maybe two things are happening. Social media and NEVER PUTTING PHONES DOWN has destroyed people’s attention spans and polarized them. Then, there’s covid. Multiple large studies show a loss of 3 to 9 IQ points per covid infection. I mean that adds up. Some people are on their sixth covid infection. My husband calls it “covid brain” and thinks maybe for some people covid has harmed the part of the brain that handles empathy and aggression. Then, there’s climate change, war, inflation, a fraught presidential election year, H5N1, and etc. I’m sorry that there was lots of negative stuff. It’s a lot. The world is different from what we grew up with. Yes, we’re used to knowing the world could end at any moment, and the adults aren’t going to save our asses. BUT, we had each other. We were never alone. We still aren’t alone. This subreddit is us. You aren’t alone. Yes, it’s time for the positives. So… some positives… Dude (this is a non-gender specific Dude). We live in a world where breakthroughs this year are heading towards curing cancer and Alzheimer’s. We have Voyager 1 and 2 that are at the outer reaches of the solar system in interstellar space. NASA etc are actively saying that there is alien life somewhere out there in the universe. An orangutan was seen using a plant on a wound on its face- the same plant the locals use for wounds. Age reversal has been successful in mice. While social media sucks, look at this GenX group. We can share a bad fart, a great book, a bad day, our worst fear, and our best hope with each other. Our Reddit gang for running around before our parents call for us is over a 100,000 Xers. Think about that for a second. Now for the friend talk. You sound like you might be a bit depressed. The comments telling you to take a walk outside are spot on. There’s a ton of studies showing being around nature has a very positive effect on us humans. Connected to that, how is your vitamin D level? If it’s low, take a vitamin D supplement or get at least 15 min of sun a day (if that’s okay for you). Also, exercise. Exercise does a ton of great stuff for how we feel mentally and physically now plus boosts longevity. I am personally a physical sloth but have an exercise bike that I’m going to start using even if I start at only 5 minutes a day. Next. Hobbies. What are your interests?? I truly believe that still wanting to learn and try things is a massive part of being happy. What do you wish you knew more about? What do you like? What did you like or dream of as a kid that you could revisit? Lastly, one of the two most important things, I think, is LOVE. Connections are what it’s all about. I know this. You know this. We all know this (Yes, I stole the phrases from “We all scream for ice cream” lol). As Xers, one of our best superpowers is WE HAVE EACH OTHER. Stay active in our sub. Reach out to old friends you miss. Be open to a new friendship. You said you & your wife still live together. Whether you are best friends, still in love, all of the above, feel dislike, and etc work on that relationship. If you’re staying together out of love or for the kids, “fractious” is something to try and improve. If you don’t have a pet and love them, get a dog or a cat if that works for you. Spend a lot of time bonding with it. Pets are often underestimated in how much joy and company they can be, imo. Be kind to yourself. Be good to yourself. This is often overlooked, but it really does matter. Have a cookie. Take a day just curled up with a purring cat and a good book. Go for a long walk with the dog. Have a long bath with a glass of wine and some 80’s/90’s music playing. Have a LOTR marathon with a friend/spouse and watch all of them. Go to a bookstore and look at a book from every genre. Play Scrabble and try to make only silly words and curse words the whole game even if you lose. Plan a trip somewhere that speaks a language you don’t know and make it a rule that you can’t go until you learn the language- start learning! Okay. These are some things that make ME happy. What are the things that make YOU feel happy and good inside? Back to the two things that are of utmost importance and the second element of that: MEANING. A lot of the things I’ve written above help craft an origami boat of meaning, We all need meaning and to feel we’re here for a purpose. You have children so “parent” is one of yours. Work on knowing yourself. Writing daily in a journal might seem silly, but it can do a lot for self-reflection. It can be a powerful tool. So can therapy if you decide you’d like to try that route. Lots of therapists will still zoom so you can even stay home and see a therapist which is kind of awesome. I’m an incest survivor and saw a shrink and attended an incest survivor’s group for a few years in college. The therapy helped me take my life back. Idk if any of this helped. You’re GenX so we’re in the same gang of friends. I care that you are going through this. I’ve been there. Probably a lot of us have. Life is wondrous and beautiful. Just watch a butterfly flit around or a seed grow. Remember wonder. Let yourself enjoy the small things. Reach for the stars.
I feel this. I have to work to keep the spark going. I noticed a few years ago that the same things that motivated before no longer do it for me....pretty much because society is garbage, friends dwindle away and I have a steady girlfriend. I look for small things to get excited about......you know, like those damn strawberry candies and shuffle board.
I’m 52 and I have so many balls in the air I have no time to even think. Tho I do get what you’re saying. I can’t say I get super excited about anything anymore. Even taking a vacation is a chore with packing and making sure we have reliable pet care, then worrying I forgot to pack something. I do have some hobbies that I love but working and trying to find the time to actually do those hobbies makes them less appealing. I would like to suggest tho possibly speaking to a therapist to find if something else is going on. I just found out at age 48 I have adhd. I was turning into a couch potato. Like, I had a bunch of stuff in my head I wanted to do but just couldn’t find the motivation to do it. Medication has helped tremendously. I’m not suggesting jump on meds right away. I’m just saying maybe you should explore how you’re feeling with a professional. Bc I thought I knew everything about myself and then realized I knew nothing.
This has been a similar struggle for me. Growing up we spent our whole lives reaching the next level. Get through high school. Check. Get through college. Check. Get a career. Check. Get married. Check. Own a house. Check. And now we’re here ….. wherever that is for each of us. On one hand I say “so this is it? This is only how far I was going to get?” On the other I say “what’s left? Where do I go? What do I do?” Deep thoughts Jack Handy
I feel you, especially the fractious part. Kind of affects everything. The money squeeze, too. I'm happier when I'm feeling more financially secure, no doubt about it. Is our gen really crazy about working out, though? I assumed that was the younger folk. I'm basing too much of my "reality" off social media (especially reddit, but this is my support).
Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. Just kidding (and that was also for Watchmen fans). As others have said, therapy might help. I would recommend quitting alcohol (if you drink) and exercise. We all go through dark times and I hope you find a path to the light.
I'm retired early at 53 and was bored too. Started growing cannabis for myself and a few friends/patients and got another dog. Now i'm too busy. Just do what makes you happy and you'll get sorted.
I was feeling a lot like you and I had blood work done for my annual physical and my numbers for my thyroid were a little off. I went on medication a couple weeks ago and I already have more energy. Maybe try doing blood work with your doctor.
That's why our grandfathers took up hobbies like day drinking, fishing while day drinking, and restoring a car while day drinking. I went through the "whats the point" phase. Didn't take up my grandfather's hobbies but did start traveling to places where I don't speak the language. Two to three weeks a year I go to Europe and wander aimlessly. I guess history, art, and a tiny bit of culture have given me the will to trudge through the rest of the year.
This is so accurate that I had to make sure I didn’t post this myself - All the “fun” things aren’t fun or worth the effort it takes - I know it’s savage depression and it seems endless -
I’m 49 and feel the same way. Spent. Uninspired. Not super useful.
Being a capitalist subject sucks shit. I'm sorry you're feeling like this.
Fuck, are you me?
I hear that. Nothing seems all that interesting any more. I have a wife I love very much, a good job that demands little and pays well, and I live in a pleasant low-stress place. Even my dog is adorable. Now that work isn’t a big ball of stress and I can leave the house without risking death by plague, toxic air, or firestorm, I should be finding hobbies and/or getting out and being social. Everything just seems pointless. I’ve got things that need doing, to be sure. I need to be planting the garden, I’ve got a few dozen boxes of stuff still packed from the last move, and I really need to exercise. These things bring me no joy. The only major project I’ve taken on in the past year is re-ripping my cds and organizing my mp3s. That ain’t trivial, as I have about 600 cds and thousands of MP3s. What that’s done is put me on a “where did the time go” trip. I’ve been pleased to find some old music I haven’t listened to in forever. [The Men - Church of Logic, Sin, and Love](https://youtu.be/cCy13kjj13M?si=LmzqYK2_O5Ce2d8I) was a nice find. I took pleasure in sorting out all the duplicates and finding all the metadata (album, year, cover art, etc), especially for some of the really obscure stuff. I’ve been working on this for seven months and I think I’ve got another 2-3 months left. Lately though, the nostalgia trip just reminds me of lost time. I miss the passion I used to feel for music. I don’t feel passionate about anything any more. I’ve got another decade or more until retirement but then what? I don’t play golf and I hate gardening. Literally my best idea is to find a gaming group of GenX geezers and start an epic D&D game. Sorry about the purse dump. I’m just saying you’re not alone.
Find something to “do” and it could be as stupid as watching KDramas like I do lol. I’m almost 50 as well and I have no desire anymore to climb the corporate ladder or have crazy goals. I used to be so driven and competitive but for some reason the last few years I developed F it and F everyone attitude hahaha. On the bright side, I rarely worry and stress about anything anymore. I still work full time and I get paid a decent amount of money. Sure, I can get promoted. But that’s just added responsibilities that I have no desire to take anymore. My kids are grown and we’ll be empty-nesters soon. I have a good relationship with my husband and maybe things will “feel” better when it’s just the two of us again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m depressed. I don’t think so…or I’m just in denial. Who knows? I don’t even have the desire to find out. I don’t feel sad or anything. But sometimes it does feel like “is this it? Is this life?”. God, who knows anymore.
Dude. Please talk to a shrink. You sound depressed. If you had a bad back you would get it treated. Same with mental health. Take care of it.
Your aren’t alone. It’s the quiet desperation they talk about. My thinking is this, hustle culture is a burnout crap. It’s not healthy and not the world we grew up with. Slow living is wonderful. Contentment, well that’s the goal and maybe you are more content than you think and are getting ready to cut the excess. You will work this out. I think it’s that crisis we have in the midpoint of life where we come to terms with who we are.
49 male here. Started testosterone replacement last year. Game changer. They put these tiny pellets in the meaty part of your hip. Every 4 or 5 months. Lost weight. Tons of energy. Feel much younger. Riding the bike. Lifting. Can focus at work. Sleep better. Cost is about $100 per month. Google mens hormone replacement near me and make an appointment. Best thing you’ll ever do at this point in your life.
I agree with the posts that talk about depression or cleaning up your diet, not drinking etc. But also look into **anhedonia**, which is on the rise due to screwed up dopamine levels caused by over saturation of online content. **BUT**...,also, I think GenX can see the cultural canvas for what it is, a shell game. We got blocked by Boomers and dismissed by Millennials. Our employers, mostly, worked us into the ground and we got almost nothing out of it. The economy too. I just think, heading into the back half of our lives, we are less willing to care or invest as much in, well, anything. Trends, plans, goals, dreams - just haven't worked out too well for our generation, as a whole. We are just hunkering down, keeping things simple, trying to limit the fall out from whatever comes next...but still be chill. At least, that's my take.
I’m a yoga and meditation teacher. I think that the effects of COVID lockdown on our society aren’t being addressed. I’ve been really considering running a meditation class called “COVID ate my brain,” to give people an opportunity to share in a nonjudgmental space how their world has shifted and come to grips with that through some inner work. I’m not sure what I would do if someone needed more psychological help than what I can offer. But I feel we all need support to process what happened to us. I talk to so many people who feel lost post-COVID.
Tell it like it is!
I feel this. I'm not excited by any of the stuff I used to like. I used to be a big "doer" but it all seems pretty pointless and boring.
I’ve struggled with depression my whole life. Without knowing you or your situation, let me just say that lack of motivation is the number one sign that I’m headed into a depressive state and need help. You should consider finding a therapist. If only to have someone to talk to. I’m closer to 60 and it doesn’t get easier. I’m in a good place now. Am trying to switch careers and have several things to challenge me. Please consider it.
I call it Middle Age Malaise. I had it through a lot of my 40s and am kind of just getting out of it at 53. I have had longtime antidepressant meds and therapy and such but also lately have dabbled in a couple of mindfulness resources that teach you to how to retrain/rewire your brain in ways that can help you enjoy life more, and they have helped. I am by no means a disciplined practitioner or zealot about any of this, but [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Power-Now-Guide-Spiritual-Enlightenment/dp/8190105914/ref=asc_df_8190105914?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=693449522341&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=145886327701919464&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9073497&hvtargid=pla-406475568695&psc=1&mcid=8aa8dbde824a3502954abe7a190b9a89&gad_source=1&gclid=CjwKCAjwouexBhAuEiwAtW_Zx9YlK7sBrn_mAxkIPF_JNMERqU9dN-FzsskHCyDQqJyX3YLWC3HwTBoCjp8QAvD_BwE&dplnkId=68a19fab-3471-471a-8503-20df7fd78d09&nodl=1) and [this book](https://www.amazon.com/Buddhas-Brain-Practical-Neuroscience-Happiness/dp/1572246952/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?crid=1E6UWGRHL5NNV&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.xdPqKSFJdA7Bv3pdLAgTWpDY6M6TxKKKMJXsZrIOamdziNUyP6GUutsTRI2Cm_oSPeyqyr_ccS6mAizAIHTNVUU78PzMKqzZbdf5x2SzD8ga5lvOeIGqjtsc3lvGF2RyZsS4lJAJGBEnZC7UOdFAE2l0r4sl8mkmH8JEX9laIm0wKSbO_MnsP5vAGRoW48wbq2m0M7F7xgvouYh6m6zLVA.d8szKg4WR1N-Fu3V5mKanY8K_SNGTm3KiYCBUtiaNHE&dib_tag=se&keywords=buddhas+brain&qid=1715104228&sprefix=buddhas+brain%2Caps%2C72&sr=8-1) gave me some tools to be more deliberate in how my mind approaches everything in my daily life and help minimize the ways we humans tend to naturally perpetuate our own suffering.
Taking a walk alone to think about yourself works a lot. Alone time, sounds dumb but thats where it's at.
This post Covid world is the worst. People aren’t doing this anymore. Parks are empty. You go outside you don’t hear children playing anymore like you used to. The environment is so damn extreme, You don’t even want to go outside anymore. It’s rare and surprising that you go into a place of business or just out in public at all and somebody is personable and nice. It seems like everybody is trying to make your day just as bad as theirs. Nothing is open past 8 anymore and if it is you don’t want to go there especially restaurants. Late dinner experience it’s literally rolling the dice on your own health because the people who work at night are not the best employees in the world. I mean, we did the one thing that was unimaginable and killed the 24 hour Walmart and I hate Walmart, I don’t even go in there but that’s a hard thing to do. And I don’t care if it sounds like an old man yelling at a cloud, but we walk around all day staring at screens arguing with people on social media platforms that aren’t there. That’s fucking crazy.
I second getting checked out for depression. Yes, we are in a rough period of history, but this sounds like something more.
"Hello, I am your mid-life crisis. Get ready as I turn your world upside down."
Find a hobby, take up gardening, beekeeping, camp, hike, learn to play an instrument, kayak, take up astronomy, get a gym membership, volunteer, take classes at a local community college, listen to audio books with your kids, take your spouse out on a date.... ....the list goes on and on. For me I am still that kid let loose in the 70s--but now my "bike" goes SO MUCH further...
You e lasted three decades longer than the 20 year old Redditors who constantly complain about the same thing. Mazel tov!🎉
Keep the LP’s next to the Laser Disks in the living room.
I am also almost 50 and finding myself in a similar spot. I keep thinking of a They Might Be Giants quote: “Now it’s over, I’m dead and I haven’t done anything that I want, or I’m still alive and there’s nothing I want to do”.
You are NOT alone...I'm 50 with 3 young daughters....I feel the pain and pressure. I'm not smart enough to give you any effective advice....just wanted to let you know you are not by yourself in these kinds of thoughts.
All I can tell you is that it's not an uncommon malaise. And why wouldn't it be when all the obvious and easily accessible stuff falls in the "been there, done that" category?
I'm 45 and don't get this. I messed up my 20s (had way too much fun, but also too much sorrow, partied too much and eventually became a heroin addict, which I have been clean from for 20 years now)... I have more things to do but not the time to do them. I want to play guitar, kayak, hike, paint, play video games, watch movies, go visit museums, trails etc... But work and health get in the way. I'd love to have more time off for thr same pay..but I guess that's what retirement is for. If you are still healthy enough by then.. Grrr.
funny, i am in the exact position as you (except i have cancer) and i am enjoying the fuck out of life.
From one cancer patient to another I hope you are doing well! Cancer is a bitch but life after treatment is much sweeter. I hope you are there or close to being done. I too am enjoying life. My disease was a wake up call that I was just existing until Friday and living for weekends and missing out on all the things I could be doing. I am doing more during the week and not letting work get in the way of enjoying life!
Highly recommend a therapist. Try a few until one clicks with you. You sound like you may be depressed, beyond the general malaise that many of us feel as we hit our supposed "midlife" and contemplate what did and didn't happen in our lives. Besides that, though, find a hobby, don't neglect friends, start a gratitude journal - just note a couple things each day that you are thankful for - and find ways to savor your experiences. A lot of life is just noticing - birds singing, your kids laughter, the taste of a favorite food or cold drink, etc. And the best way to feel motivation is often helping others. If you are looking for meaning, there's a place to start.
It’s very common for most people to have this happen to them around 50 years old. It usually lasts a couple of years. It’s a time of readjusting and putting the past and future into perspective. Often there is sadness and remorse accompanying this time frame as well. Just know it doesn’t last forever just like the teen years don’t last forever. You’ll get through it and start enjoying your 50’s before you know it!!
You are describing depression. Honestly we think depression is some kind of "I'm so sad I want to die" but it's actually more like "i don't really care either way." Tell your doctor. There could be physical issues like heart disease that can do weird things to our brains. Then at least you'll know. Its not normal and ok to be like this for too long, you have a long life to get through, and you can't just muscle through after not having feelings for a while. Good luck friend.
I have a saying related to this discussion: “50 is the new I don’t give a fuck.” There is something to be said for the mental freedom of a certain level of apathy that age seems to bring. I think the key is riding the attitude enough to enjoy some well earned slack, but not so much that it feels like life has become meaningless. It sounds like you might need a little rebalance there. Prioritize what you enjoy and what’s important to you, and aim some motivation towards those things. Perhaps even set a few goals or aspirations for yourself. On the rest, enjoy the mental freedom the perspective of age has brought. And if someone questions your healthy level of well earned apathy, just tell them: “Hey man. 50 is the new I don’t give a fuck.”
What helped me find an interest in the world was actually finding a group of people who are really excited about life. My regular crowd was all in a funk and I was right there with them. Being around a new group of people from a diverse set of backgrounds who viewed me as a “valued elder and community member” who were really excited about what we were working on really changed my mindset. Still tired of the grind, still hate stressing about finances and retirement, but at least I’ve been able to hang out with people who are pumped about life and free with hugs has been a nice change.
It sounds like you have depression. It can be treated. Talk to your doctor and see if you can get a referral to a psychiatrist.
LAWRENCE NOW, WHAT WOULD YOU DO? PETER Besides two chicks at the same time? LAWRENCE Oh yeah. PETER Nothing. LAWRENCE Nothing, huh? PETER I would relax, I would sit on my ass all day, I would do nothing. LAWRENCE You don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin. He's broke and don't do shit.
My dude, we appear to have reached our Hamlet' first soliloquy stage in life. "How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable Seem to me all the uses of this world! Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden, that grows to seed; things rank and gross in nature possess it merely." Things feel dismal and we wish they would right themselves without our having to take action. I think of it as being a sort of mid-life mixture of ennui and weltschmerz.