The last thing my father ever said to another human being was to say, "I love you," to me. He was on his way out the door to mail his taxes and had a heart attack, and died in his car. That was in 1995 when I was 24, and you goddamn better believe I say it to every person I care about every time I see them.
I had amazing parents and will always count myself blessed for that, and I'm sorry for those of you who didn't.
I had a similar occurrence a few years ago with someone close, but opposite in that it was an argument. However, I too learned the same lesson that day.
I'm so sorry:( my dad was 16 when his dad died. He's big on saying I love you. He always told me, You can't take it for granted that you will see your loved one again. Make sure they know how you feel.
Thank you, and it's 100% the same for me. My dad was awesome and the family I created has missed out on so much by never knowing him. But they all know they are well loved.
Heh, that reminds me of the summers growing up when my mother would say something like "I love you, but I don't want to see you in the house until the sun is down." Or something similar.
Same, I was loved but don’t ever recall being told I love you often. My family didn’t show much emotion and weren’t a huggy type family. I remember getting a slapped in the back of the head if I didn’t listen tho haha
Same. They pushed for good grades but also threw us out of the house until dark. It was a good mix and they absolutely loved us and said it every day. Still do.
My mom and dad were very affectionate especially my mom. Dad is still with us and he tells me he loves us all of the time. We always had dinner together as a family and spent time together. Yes, feral but loved
My parents, specifically my mother, was very loving and affectionate. My father was stoic, but he'd bend over backwards to help. I don't know how this compared to most of my peers at the time, so I don't know if this was normal or not. I did know a few kids who's parents spoiled them rotten and others who ignored them. Maybe I was in the middle?
Same. And you know, I never realized that until the very moment his burial was over. My older brother didn't 'step up to the plate' to take charge of his funeral, so it fell onto me. As soon as the preacher dismissed us, as I stood I thought "I hope I made you proud, Dad", meaning in terms of the funeral. I realized later though, it was much deeper than that. He fought in WW2 and suffered from PTSD and never showed emotion. At no point do I ever recall him saying "I love you" or that he was proud of me. I did realize later on though that in small ways, he showed those things.
One final comment - As a result of realizing he never said "I love you" or telling me he was proud of me has led me to say those things to my kids ever chance I get.
Same here, WWII vet, PTSD. Mom never said it either. No hugs, no affection, but lots of beatings. Their parents never said it to them, I have no doubt. I only knew one grandma, and she was mean as a rattlesnake. I broke that cycle, and my son knows he is loved
My father (81) was messed up by my grandfather who fought in WW2 and came home to a four year old son. My grandfather killed a number of Nazzies and “interrogated” the prisoners since he spoke fluent German. My father has come around as he got older and went from ignoring his children when growing up to trying to make us know he is proud of us and loves us. It isn’t super sincere at times, but he tries.
Growing up with a father who served unfortunately often means they learnt "respect" through intimidation or through brutality..... That was how it was back then. I'm glad that my children do not have that from my wife and I. But I still bare the scars.
I’m almost 50 and I still ask my mom this. Like WTF, old lady? Y’all just stomping out toddlers three times a week for what? Practice? Maintenance? Funsies?
I was born in '71, so obviously many years after WW2. Everything I've been told about my Dad and the way he was before the war is that he was a warm hearted guy whom everyone enjoyed being around. The war took that from him and left him an anxious mess. He was never physically violent, instead he was nervous, anxious, cursed with every sentence he spoke and had everyone 'on edge' around him. At one time I hated him for the way he was, but over the years I have come to realize it wasn't who he truly was and that the war took a lot from him. He was in a forward infantry unit in WW2 and they saw a lot of really horrible things. As they say, the injuries from war continue years after the final gun is fired.
Oh that’s so sad. I’m 71 but just 2 years after my dad left the Army. Still so raw for him. I’m hoping the VA is getting smarter about exit programs and therapies to help vets come home in not such a bad shape
Because we are starting to realize that our personal experiences that we thought were just an individual experience is actually far more prevalent than we ever suspected. This sub is cathartic.
Same for my dad. He told others he was proud of me but saying that to me wasn't in him.
I understand why he was how he was, but that doesn't absolve him of the damage it did to kid me. Hell, the damage adult me spent a lot of time and money fixing.
I heard from others after my dad died that he was always talking proudly about his kids. I was shocked because I never once heard a positive word about me come out of his mouth.
My father was a military officer and 2 tour Vietnam vet. Untreated PTSD. I don’t even think he liked me. Cue my Mom saying “don’t be silly of course your father loves you”. 🙄
Grew up in a military family as well. Never heard I love you or I am proud of you either. Now my dad has a degenerative neurological disease and can no longer speak.
It's not the military. My dad was a Vietnam vet and he told me he loved me every day until the day he died.
As an adult i myself joined the Army and went to Iraq (twice) and i tell my kid i love her everyday.
I think it's the person, military service has nothing to do with it.
New poster, but it’s also worth noting that “the military” has hardly been “a” static organization for the past eighty years (assuming U.S. but broadly applicable). I think it’s fair to say military service was experienced as something very different in the 1950s compared to recent decades.
I was beaten with a belt and verbally belittled often. My dad died of pancreatic cancer 10 years ago. For some reason it was still tough to watch him wither into a shell of his former self.
Because you never got real closure. I flew down to see my Dad one last time, in the nursing home. Knowing it would be the last time I would see him. Just to tell him I loved him (I didn't like him, but he was my father). I did that more for myself than for him. I needed that closure.
Same with the belt and verbal abuse - he died in 2015 and it’d been years of therapy since then.
If it weren’t for my mom, I never would have felt loved by a parent at all.
Same from my Dad who came from a family of farmers. The only thing he ever said was "You'll never know what real love is until you have kids". That didn't hit me until much later.
Ohhh same. I had a mini vent to my sister about this recently. My dad has never once told me that he loves me or that I look nice or that I’ve done well at anything. But he is sure as hell quick to passively aggressively let me know when I’ve done something he doesn’t approve of, often in the form of a note
And I am well aware that it stems from the way his parents treated him. It has been so damaging to me. I make damn sure I am not like this with my own kids
Hmmm, I think maybe when I was very little? Not a strong memory of it, though. My house was not big on affection. My parents never showed each other affection
Same. And never in my memory did either of my parents say “I love you” and definitely not “I’m proud of you”. So I always make sure to tell it to my kids all the time.
I’m in kind of the same place. My dad had his own demons to sort, and my mom had pet names for me that she would use to make me feel better when down.
I can count on 1 hand how many times mom and dad held hands, hugged or kissed. My friend’s parents did to show affection for one another and their child but also to embarrass their kids in front of us.
My mom is uncomfortable with affection. When we chat on the phone I will tell her I love her and she deflects. When I see her, I’ll give her a hug hello and goodbye and she tenses up and asks what I’m doing.
I try to show my kid as much affection as I can while they’re young (had my kid at 40)… because that’s a hole in my heart (cue Extreme video montage) that I’m dealing with that I don’t want my kid to have. I’m probably over compensating tbh.
My kids always said it to me in front of their friends and gave me a cheek kiss. Dropping or picking them up from school, etc. Grown now and still don't. Coming from an Italian household, that was how I was raised.
My parents never told me they loved me. As an adult, I tried telling them I loved them. *crickets* I think this mentality came from some child rearing book from the 70's that our parents took as gospel.
Me too. A few years ago I started intentionally saying "I love you" when I was leaving after visiting them, and going in for a hug. They reciprocated, but it was awkward. They never really got on board or took the initiative themselves, so I stopped.
Haha. My brother and I did this too. My dad took to it really easily. My mum was soooo awkward when it came to hugs though - which was quite funny because we just got even more intentional about it. I know she loves it - it’s just so far out of her comfort zone.
My dad said, “Hey kid, I love you AND I like you.” But…his actions were not those of a loving father in many cases. I think he was suffering with depression and anxiety and a huge underlying anger. I wish he had sought counseling, for himself if not my mom.
Yeah, I heard it every day, but my parents actions did not convey it. They also demanded I say "I love you" every day to them. So I tended to view it as meaningless words.
I’m grateful that my parents frequently told me they loved me but, even more importantly, showed it.
This isn’t to say my childhood was idyllic or free of trauma. There’s severe mental illness in my family, and our home was intense and difficult. I’ve had a very rocky at times relationship with my Mom. I went no contact with my two siblings.
I’ve gone through a lot of therapy as an adult, and despite how complicated things were, I am confident my parents loved me the best they knew how.
Very split scene at my house…
American Mom has some sort of mental breakdown when I was 7… went from “normal” mom to mood swings & violent abuse in the name of Jesus... Went to live with dad at age 11 since I became terrified to be alone with her.
Dad was from Afghanistan, came to USA as an adult man. Showered me with words of love, hugs, & kisses so much compared to my friends American dads it was embarrassing to me as a young boy.
Now I’m grateful.
I knew my parents cared (mostly my mom) but it wasn't ever clearly stated.
I'm not too fussed about it though. Being silent gen, they had it tough. Living through the German Occupation of Greece. On top of that they grew up with one parent each. My paternal grandmother died in childbirth and my maternal grandfather was killed post WWII by Greek communists.
No. Quite the opposite. My father is a lifelong addict and had terrible alcoholism. When he got sober, he got “saved” and extremely self righteous. He told me I’m a societal parasite. Because I was bartending to put myself through college. I was working full time and putting myself through difficult honors study programs, and to him, I was a social parasite. Fuck these trash parents. I hate that I still struggle with self esteem and feeling like a burden in every room I walk into.
He’s back on the sauce, living off the government and raging at liberals.
Fuck no. Definitely not growing up they didn’t. It wasn’t until they were much older and we were out of the house for 15+ years did I hear my dad say it over the phone. Relationship with stepmother has always been tenuous, so never expected from her.
My mom said it a lot. I don't remember my dad ever saying it but he'd regularly slip me some gas money, or come home with a bag of that Pick a Mix candy grocery stores used to carry. It was my favorite as a kid. I knew he loved me even if he couldn't say it.
My Dad told us all the time. He was a big softie. Mom was a lot more selfish with the "I love you's" when we were kids.
Once when I was a teenager - probably 14-15 IDK - my Grandpa called and talked to my Mom on the phone for a little while and when Mom got off the phone she was sobbing. I was like "OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING IS EVERYTHING OKAY??" (Mom isn't one to show her emotions at all) and Mom said "My Dad just told me he loved me." That's when I realized that Mom wasn't good at saying stuff like that because she herself never heard it growing up.
Thankfully she's much better about it now. I tell her "I love you!" so much that it probably annoys her but whatever. Dad's not around to do it anymore.
No, nothing from my parents.
There a Frasier episode that addresses this issue....
https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0582355/
"Martin prepares for his annual ice-fishing trip, but when Duke cancels, Niles volunteers to go along, wanting a chance to bond with his father. Frasier does so too, ruminating that his father has never in his life said "I love you" to him."
I had Silent-Gen parents. They never said I love you, no praise ever given (because we'd get too full of ourselves). I knew my mom loved me, my dad just tolerated me.
I have three sons, I made a point of saying good bye to them on their way out the door with a hug, a I love you, and have a great day. That started when I would drop them off at preschool.
Today, when my 20-something son stops by home, he insists on a hug when he leaves; and often tells me he loves me when we say good bye on the phone.
I do have a hard time praising them, I wish I did it more because I am proud of them. It just doesn't come as naturally to me; and I myself crave praise because I've never been told any.
No.
When my sister had her first child, she mentioned to me how much she loved her, and how much she loves holding her, and asked if I remember our parents ever hugging us. Also no. Mind you, our parents weren't physically abusive, they never hit us, so it never occurred to me how fucked up this was until much later, but the only feedback we ever received from our parents was negative.
I can’t remember them ever saying it. I was the tail end of a large family, and general impression I got was that they just wanted to be done with parenting. We were pretty much left to our own devices, as long as the school or the cops didn’t call.
Nope. My parents were far too busy waging war between themselves, while not wanting to get divorced because of the social stigma. I'm not sure they even wanted children in the first place; for their generation, it was "just something you did."
Yes. But I definitely say it more than they did. The reason is that I lost my dad in 1993. He was 42 years old from cancer. I lost my mom in 2012 from multiple sclerosis. So this has taught me to never take life for granted. I tell my wife and my children and grandchildren that I love them pretty much every day.
My parents always told my sister and I they loved us and we had a wonderful childhood. The relationship my parents had (Dad died in 2011) is what I’ve always looked for in a relationship. Even as a child I knew my parents were best friends and meant to be together. I realize I may be an outlier, it’s just what my experience was.
My mother was affectionate and loving my father less so as we got older, then moreso after my mother passed. I've never doubted that my parents loved me even though we didn't always get along.
The only time my parents said "I love you" is when it was followed with "but you're in big trouble," followed by whatever punishment was going to be meted out. This is of course quite unhealthy and leads to a child associating love with pain. I didn't hear my friend's parents say I love you either, until I moved in with a friend when I turned 20. He spoke to his parents on the phone every day and saw them all the time. He always said I love you and his parents did too, it was just a normal thing for them.
At first I thought that was the cringiest thing ever and it was confusing to me. Eventually I realized some other families actually express their love for each other regularly and that something was wrong with mine.
No. My (ex military and scientific) dad died when I was young and I never heard it from him. In my 20s, I wrote my mom an email and asked her straight out. Do you even love me? And her answer was, that’s a ridiculous question. End stop.
Not once.
Actually during an argument I told my mother that she had never once told me that she loved me. She said "why would I you've never said it to me?"
Yes, (silent generation parents), but my parents’ parents never told them. My mother said her mother never once told her she loved her growing up, but heard her say it to us (grandkids) all the time. That had to hurt. My mother always told me, “you’ll know exactly how much I love you when you have your own kids.” She was exactly right. I miss her 💔
Yeah, I remember my mom saying I love you. Of course it was after a bottle or two of some vino.
Though after I moved out, she said fairly often, no wine included. We had a falling out just before she passed, so I'll never remember that last moment.
I never had a good relationship with my parents. I'm sure they loved me, but it was always overshadowed by them being ever vigilant about me breaking the rules and being there to punish me for it. Like other comments, they didn't show each other affection. They fought often as well.i suppose when you're not happy in your marriage, it shows in other relationships.
No, my parents never said it. They definitely showed it but we are incapable of saying it to each other. My husband’s parents were and are abusive (physically, emotionally) and they say it all the time. Writing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up that is. Anyway, my parents have four grandkids and they are all constantly telling each other they love them.
No, my parents were Eastern European, came to the US from Latvia. It was not done to say “I love you” or give hugs. It took till my mom was 80 or so for us to say “I love you” to each other.
I remember, in my 20s, being at my parents’ house and on the phone to my then-husband. I told him I loved him maybe twice, and when I got off the phone, my mom told me I was “really sick” to tell him “I love you”. She was really mad and disgusted.
I’m just glad that mom’s barriers came down before she died. To this day, my brother and sister do not say “I love you” back to me, even though I tell them all the time.
My parents were also Eastern European immigrants. My mother said she was proud of me when I got my PhD. Otherwise, “I love you” or any substantial praise was rare.
Nope. I was also never told that I was special, important or even pretty. I’m 56 with auburn hair and green eyes. I’ve yet to ever feel pretty. Maybe one day.
My parents were silent Gen so they of course never said any words at all.
J/K. My parents made it very obvious that I was loved and special. My mother may have gone overboard with it, frankly.
My dad did after I forced him to say the actual words but he showed me he loves me by teaching me things and reminding me to check the oil in my vehicles.
My parents hugged me, kissed me, and told me they loved me at least once a day. I don't think I realized it was different for other people until I grew up. I know I was lucky.
Never unless they were seriously ill. Even when my mom was terminal I don't think she told me then. She was not a typical mother, she was more of a Vulcan.
I don’t recall my Dad ever saying that he loves me. But, I know he does. My Mom will say it every once in a while. I tell my kids that I love them every single day, because it makes me feel good, and I would have liked to hear it from my parents while growing up.
My mother didn't tell me she loved me until I was 18 and leaving for college. My father NEVER told me. He molested me so, he should've been telling me in my early childhood, anyway, because he either loved me or hated me.
I just realized it the other day. I took care of my mom for 6 months before she died. I was with her everyday and every hospital stay and all the appointments. I was the last person she saw before she closed her eyes and never, not once said she loved me.
My father never did either but I let him die alone in assisted living.
I have told my kids I love them every chance I get.
Nope never. It's the running joke with my kids, they will say 'love you grandma' when we leave her house just to see if she'll at least say it to them (9/10 times she doesn't). I know she loves me, but I can't remember a time in my 45 years where I've received any kind of emotional support from her, let alone been told I'm loved or given a hug. Once, when I was feeling very overwhelmed after having my third child and being a teacher (like she was), she said to me 'now you know how it feels'😬
I now make sure I tell my own children every day, multiple times.
Mom said it but Dad never did. Just before he checked out in ‘92 he told me I was a good kid. Closest he ever came to saying it. I’m not angry because whatever he saw in WWII really messed him up. I make sure I tell my kids, wife, and loved ones frequently.
My father was the more emotional of the two. My siblings and I, got a lot of hugs, cuddle and “I love you” from our dad.
Our mom was colder. But showed us in her way. I guess you could call it “act of service”, but never with her words and never affection. But now as an adult, I now realize what she was doing.
My dad said it all the time. He lost his first son at 8 right before my older brother was born. He was traumatized obviously by it and was overly clingy at times.
My mom would NEVER say it. We would have to and then she would respond at times, almost fumbling, "Oh, yeah, love you too!"
Very rarely. I remember feeling like I didn’t understand it or trust it. My dad was an alcoholic who tended to get more emotional the more intoxicated he became, so I think that I sensed that he wasn’t to be trusted when he said it.
I can remember my Dad being drunk and trying to force me to say it to Mom and to him. They almost never said it to any of the kids including me unless someone was leaving at an airport or hanging up the phone and they said it first. Then it was usually "You too!" and they'd hug goodbye. When I was going in for surgery though Dad actually said it and kissed me. I teased him about it being "just in case" I died on the table.
My Mom and Dad were not demonstrative people, unless they were sloppy drunk. I can count on both hands and I'd have fingers left over how many times my Dad kissed me or my Mom sober. He would do things just because like fill her gas tank up or bring home flowers just because Mom liked them. Or he'd put chocolate in my school or dance bag on Valentine's Day but for him to actually hug you, kiss you or say the words that was very rare. Mom too.
my parents always made it very clear they loved me, and did so often. i regularly kissed my dad, even, well into my 20s. i still kiss my mom.
i'm of the opinion that stories like mine, or yours, are not generational, but that they are highly variable within any given generation, and depend more on the individual families. i.e., there's no way to generalize something like this to a given "generation"
My Mother was a diagnosed narcissist (not how people like to throw the term around today). She started saying it when she got closer to death. My Dad died when I was very young. The string of step-fathers certainly weren’t.
Mom, rarely to none. Dad didn't always say it but lots of love, hugs, and comfort so I felt it.
Mom has tried to say it in the past 5 or so years but it's really weird and awkward. It feels like she's grasping at any straws to get into Heaven.
It’s the one thing they did right, actually. Neglect and general idiocy aside, they let us know they loved us… even if they weren’t together enough to do anything else right.
Mom did, which mostly embarrassed me and I wasn't comfortable saying it back. Dad didn't, which was fine with me. He showed he cared in different ways.
I don't remember my dad saying it until I was well into my adulthood, like my 30s. He was raised in a poor rural household with 11 other kids. They didn't have much room for love.
My mom, OTOH, was pretty good about it, even though she had me at 22 and divorced my dad 4 years later. Interestingly enough, after I had some bad times 20 years ago, she says it all the time now.
For the record: mom is an old boomer, dad was young silent generation.
No. When I was 16, I asked my dad if he loved me bc my parents never said it to me or anyone else. He seemed surprised at the questions and told me that "of course" he loved me. He asked me if it wasn't obvious based on what they do for me. Meaning, he shows his love for me through his actions of providing for me every day.
Yes, I come from an extremely lovey dovey family and we were constantly told how much we were loved. But despite (or because of?) this upbringing, I am very much the opposite of lovey dovey.
My parents said I love you and gave me and my siblings hugs all the time when I was growing up, and that's coming from someone, that the discipline I received as a kid would be seen as abuse in today's standards!
My parents hugged me and told me that they loved me often.
The last thing my father ever said to another human being was to say, "I love you," to me. He was on his way out the door to mail his taxes and had a heart attack, and died in his car. That was in 1995 when I was 24, and you goddamn better believe I say it to every person I care about every time I see them. I had amazing parents and will always count myself blessed for that, and I'm sorry for those of you who didn't.
me too. This is the very reason I usually end calls or good byes with I love you. That's important.
I had a similar occurrence a few years ago with someone close, but opposite in that it was an argument. However, I too learned the same lesson that day.
I'm so sorry:( my dad was 16 when his dad died. He's big on saying I love you. He always told me, You can't take it for granted that you will see your loved one again. Make sure they know how you feel.
Thank you, and it's 100% the same for me. My dad was awesome and the family I created has missed out on so much by never knowing him. But they all know they are well loved.
Same. I may have been feral but I was loved
Heh, that reminds me of the summers growing up when my mother would say something like "I love you, but I don't want to see you in the house until the sun is down." Or something similar.
Yes. I was beyond feral. But we showed love in my house. After my mom got home ( latch key kid…)
me too. they let me know often how much they loved me. even through the haze of cig smoke.
I was thinking that as well
This!
Same and perfect description! "I may have been feral but I was loved".
I'd count myself in this number.
Same, I was loved but don’t ever recall being told I love you often. My family didn’t show much emotion and weren’t a huggy type family. I remember getting a slapped in the back of the head if I didn’t listen tho haha
Mine too, particularly my mother. I was never unsure of their love. I guess I was lucky.
Same. They pushed for good grades but also threw us out of the house until dark. It was a good mix and they absolutely loved us and said it every day. Still do.
Same, every day. Guess we are one of the lucky ones.
My mom and dad were very affectionate especially my mom. Dad is still with us and he tells me he loves us all of the time. We always had dinner together as a family and spent time together. Yes, feral but loved
Same, and from the looks of a lot of these comments, I'm very thankful.
My parents, specifically my mother, was very loving and affectionate. My father was stoic, but he'd bend over backwards to help. I don't know how this compared to most of my peers at the time, so I don't know if this was normal or not. I did know a few kids who's parents spoiled them rotten and others who ignored them. Maybe I was in the middle?
Same.
Same. I realize how lucky I was.
Same. Both my parents told me they loved me. They hugged me, too.
My father (ex-military officer) never told me once my entire life that he loved me or was proud of me.
Same. And you know, I never realized that until the very moment his burial was over. My older brother didn't 'step up to the plate' to take charge of his funeral, so it fell onto me. As soon as the preacher dismissed us, as I stood I thought "I hope I made you proud, Dad", meaning in terms of the funeral. I realized later though, it was much deeper than that. He fought in WW2 and suffered from PTSD and never showed emotion. At no point do I ever recall him saying "I love you" or that he was proud of me. I did realize later on though that in small ways, he showed those things. One final comment - As a result of realizing he never said "I love you" or telling me he was proud of me has led me to say those things to my kids ever chance I get.
Same here, WWII vet, PTSD. Mom never said it either. No hugs, no affection, but lots of beatings. Their parents never said it to them, I have no doubt. I only knew one grandma, and she was mean as a rattlesnake. I broke that cycle, and my son knows he is loved
My father (81) was messed up by my grandfather who fought in WW2 and came home to a four year old son. My grandfather killed a number of Nazzies and “interrogated” the prisoners since he spoke fluent German. My father has come around as he got older and went from ignoring his children when growing up to trying to make us know he is proud of us and loves us. It isn’t super sincere at times, but he tries.
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They got beaten when they were younger and thought that was how to raise kids. We know better now.
Growing up with a father who served unfortunately often means they learnt "respect" through intimidation or through brutality..... That was how it was back then. I'm glad that my children do not have that from my wife and I. But I still bare the scars.
No body cams back then
I’m almost 50 and I still ask my mom this. Like WTF, old lady? Y’all just stomping out toddlers three times a week for what? Practice? Maintenance? Funsies?
My dad was in Vietnam but came out the same way. I was born after he came home so never got to know if he was any other way.
I was born in '71, so obviously many years after WW2. Everything I've been told about my Dad and the way he was before the war is that he was a warm hearted guy whom everyone enjoyed being around. The war took that from him and left him an anxious mess. He was never physically violent, instead he was nervous, anxious, cursed with every sentence he spoke and had everyone 'on edge' around him. At one time I hated him for the way he was, but over the years I have come to realize it wasn't who he truly was and that the war took a lot from him. He was in a forward infantry unit in WW2 and they saw a lot of really horrible things. As they say, the injuries from war continue years after the final gun is fired.
I can understand what he went through. It is horror.
Oh that’s so sad. I’m 71 but just 2 years after my dad left the Army. Still so raw for him. I’m hoping the VA is getting smarter about exit programs and therapies to help vets come home in not such a bad shape
Same, same, same. Sending you a hug if you want it. 💜
same. dang, why do i feel better?
Because we are starting to realize that our personal experiences that we thought were just an individual experience is actually far more prevalent than we ever suspected. This sub is cathartic.
i do love this sub, and it's definitely cathartic for me. the nostalgia makes me smile several times a day :)
So true! We shared very similar experiences growing up. I love this sub so much, and my whole Gen X fam. ❤️
Same.
Same for my dad. He told others he was proud of me but saying that to me wasn't in him. I understand why he was how he was, but that doesn't absolve him of the damage it did to kid me. Hell, the damage adult me spent a lot of time and money fixing.
I heard from others after my dad died that he was always talking proudly about his kids. I was shocked because I never once heard a positive word about me come out of his mouth.
My father was a military officer and 2 tour Vietnam vet. Untreated PTSD. I don’t even think he liked me. Cue my Mom saying “don’t be silly of course your father loves you”. 🙄
Did we have the same parents?
Grew up in a military family as well. Never heard I love you or I am proud of you either. Now my dad has a degenerative neurological disease and can no longer speak.
It's not the military. My dad was a Vietnam vet and he told me he loved me every day until the day he died. As an adult i myself joined the Army and went to Iraq (twice) and i tell my kid i love her everyday. I think it's the person, military service has nothing to do with it.
New poster, but it’s also worth noting that “the military” has hardly been “a” static organization for the past eighty years (assuming U.S. but broadly applicable). I think it’s fair to say military service was experienced as something very different in the 1950s compared to recent decades.
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I was beaten with a belt and verbally belittled often. My dad died of pancreatic cancer 10 years ago. For some reason it was still tough to watch him wither into a shell of his former self.
Because you never got real closure. I flew down to see my Dad one last time, in the nursing home. Knowing it would be the last time I would see him. Just to tell him I loved him (I didn't like him, but he was my father). I did that more for myself than for him. I needed that closure.
Same with the belt and verbal abuse - he died in 2015 and it’d been years of therapy since then. If it weren’t for my mom, I never would have felt loved by a parent at all.
Same from my Dad who came from a family of farmers. The only thing he ever said was "You'll never know what real love is until you have kids". That didn't hit me until much later.
Having my own children opened up a whole new level of love I didn't know existed. It hit me like a train. I wasn't warned.
I’d suggest a different metaphor, then. Trains famously warn people when they’re on the way.
My dad was retired Army and *always* said it to my brother and I. Not sure what his relationship was like with his own parents ...
It makes you wonder if they saw so much loss they put up walls. I'm sure he did love you.
Same. Ex-Navy/retured cop. I heard one “I love ya” and zero “I’m proud of you”s from him.
Ohhh same. I had a mini vent to my sister about this recently. My dad has never once told me that he loves me or that I look nice or that I’ve done well at anything. But he is sure as hell quick to passively aggressively let me know when I’ve done something he doesn’t approve of, often in the form of a note And I am well aware that it stems from the way his parents treated him. It has been so damaging to me. I make damn sure I am not like this with my own kids
Hey man, I'm proud of you
Hmmm, I think maybe when I was very little? Not a strong memory of it, though. My house was not big on affection. My parents never showed each other affection
Sounds a lot like my family. My dad was/is slightly more affectionate than my mother towards us kids.
Same. And never in my memory did either of my parents say “I love you” and definitely not “I’m proud of you”. So I always make sure to tell it to my kids all the time.
I literally can't think of ever seeing my parents kiss or even hug.
I’m in kind of the same place. My dad had his own demons to sort, and my mom had pet names for me that she would use to make me feel better when down. I can count on 1 hand how many times mom and dad held hands, hugged or kissed. My friend’s parents did to show affection for one another and their child but also to embarrass their kids in front of us. My mom is uncomfortable with affection. When we chat on the phone I will tell her I love her and she deflects. When I see her, I’ll give her a hug hello and goodbye and she tenses up and asks what I’m doing. I try to show my kid as much affection as I can while they’re young (had my kid at 40)… because that’s a hole in my heart (cue Extreme video montage) that I’m dealing with that I don’t want my kid to have. I’m probably over compensating tbh.
Not so much, but I do try to tell my kids I love them as often as I can. Without embarrassing them, of course.
Oh hell. Embarrass them with it. It’s good for them. And they’ll appreciate it later
This
My kids always said it to me in front of their friends and gave me a cheek kiss. Dropping or picking them up from school, etc. Grown now and still don't. Coming from an Italian household, that was how I was raised.
User name checks out.
Me too.
Same. It feels good.
My parents never told me they loved me. As an adult, I tried telling them I loved them. *crickets* I think this mentality came from some child rearing book from the 70's that our parents took as gospel.
Me too. A few years ago I started intentionally saying "I love you" when I was leaving after visiting them, and going in for a hug. They reciprocated, but it was awkward. They never really got on board or took the initiative themselves, so I stopped.
Same. When I do say it (very rarely) my mom will usually say it back but it feels as awkward AF.
Haha. My brother and I did this too. My dad took to it really easily. My mum was soooo awkward when it came to hugs though - which was quite funny because we just got even more intentional about it. I know she loves it - it’s just so far out of her comfort zone.
Hahaha we have tried hugging as adults, once my mom got diagnosed with cancer, and it’s always excruciating and awkward
No. My parents told me they loved me, regularly.
Same. Even my asshole dad still said "I love you" every day.
My dad said, “Hey kid, I love you AND I like you.” But…his actions were not those of a loving father in many cases. I think he was suffering with depression and anxiety and a huge underlying anger. I wish he had sought counseling, for himself if not my mom.
He was telling himself that too.
Yeah, I heard it every day, but my parents actions did not convey it. They also demanded I say "I love you" every day to them. So I tended to view it as meaningless words.
Well hello Mr. Fancypants
I’m grateful that my parents frequently told me they loved me but, even more importantly, showed it. This isn’t to say my childhood was idyllic or free of trauma. There’s severe mental illness in my family, and our home was intense and difficult. I’ve had a very rocky at times relationship with my Mom. I went no contact with my two siblings. I’ve gone through a lot of therapy as an adult, and despite how complicated things were, I am confident my parents loved me the best they knew how.
Same friend!
This is why I tell my children I love them every day.
Same. I don’t think I ever heard that from my Dad. It is a regular statement between my kids and I. A little teary thinking about that.
BIG TIME.
Not until I was an adult
Very split scene at my house… American Mom has some sort of mental breakdown when I was 7… went from “normal” mom to mood swings & violent abuse in the name of Jesus... Went to live with dad at age 11 since I became terrified to be alone with her. Dad was from Afghanistan, came to USA as an adult man. Showered me with words of love, hugs, & kisses so much compared to my friends American dads it was embarrassing to me as a young boy. Now I’m grateful.
Sorry about your mom. That's a sweet story about your dad, though!
He was awesome
Not one time
The one time my dad told me was so uncomfortable that never would have been better 🤣🤣🤣
Never.
I knew my parents cared (mostly my mom) but it wasn't ever clearly stated. I'm not too fussed about it though. Being silent gen, they had it tough. Living through the German Occupation of Greece. On top of that they grew up with one parent each. My paternal grandmother died in childbirth and my maternal grandfather was killed post WWII by Greek communists.
No. Quite the opposite. My father is a lifelong addict and had terrible alcoholism. When he got sober, he got “saved” and extremely self righteous. He told me I’m a societal parasite. Because I was bartending to put myself through college. I was working full time and putting myself through difficult honors study programs, and to him, I was a social parasite. Fuck these trash parents. I hate that I still struggle with self esteem and feeling like a burden in every room I walk into. He’s back on the sauce, living off the government and raging at liberals.
Fuck no. Definitely not growing up they didn’t. It wasn’t until they were much older and we were out of the house for 15+ years did I hear my dad say it over the phone. Relationship with stepmother has always been tenuous, so never expected from her.
My mom said it a lot. I don't remember my dad ever saying it but he'd regularly slip me some gas money, or come home with a bag of that Pick a Mix candy grocery stores used to carry. It was my favorite as a kid. I knew he loved me even if he couldn't say it.
Once. August 18th, 1992. Mom said she loved me when I was leaving for college. That was it.
Same! I was shocked!
My Dad told us all the time. He was a big softie. Mom was a lot more selfish with the "I love you's" when we were kids. Once when I was a teenager - probably 14-15 IDK - my Grandpa called and talked to my Mom on the phone for a little while and when Mom got off the phone she was sobbing. I was like "OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING IS EVERYTHING OKAY??" (Mom isn't one to show her emotions at all) and Mom said "My Dad just told me he loved me." That's when I realized that Mom wasn't good at saying stuff like that because she herself never heard it growing up. Thankfully she's much better about it now. I tell her "I love you!" so much that it probably annoys her but whatever. Dad's not around to do it anymore.
Never, not once.
My mom said it often. I was not raised by my Dad. My grandparents, aunts, uncles and older cousins were also very expressive about love and support.
Wow. I thought it was just me and my siblings. I guess it was a generational thing. 😕
Same, it’s comforting I guess?
No, nothing from my parents. There a Frasier episode that addresses this issue.... https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0582355/ "Martin prepares for his annual ice-fishing trip, but when Duke cancels, Niles volunteers to go along, wanting a chance to bond with his father. Frasier does so too, ruminating that his father has never in his life said "I love you" to him."
No hugs no verbal affirmations. Not really their thing.
Nope. Never.
I had Silent-Gen parents. They never said I love you, no praise ever given (because we'd get too full of ourselves). I knew my mom loved me, my dad just tolerated me. I have three sons, I made a point of saying good bye to them on their way out the door with a hug, a I love you, and have a great day. That started when I would drop them off at preschool. Today, when my 20-something son stops by home, he insists on a hug when he leaves; and often tells me he loves me when we say good bye on the phone. I do have a hard time praising them, I wish I did it more because I am proud of them. It just doesn't come as naturally to me; and I myself crave praise because I've never been told any.
Never have I heard those words from my parents .
No. When my sister had her first child, she mentioned to me how much she loved her, and how much she loves holding her, and asked if I remember our parents ever hugging us. Also no. Mind you, our parents weren't physically abusive, they never hit us, so it never occurred to me how fucked up this was until much later, but the only feedback we ever received from our parents was negative.
I remember telling my folks I loved them, not so much the other way around.
My parents told me every day. My dad almost died when I was 6 so it kind of forced the issue. Sorry.
I can’t remember them ever saying it. I was the tail end of a large family, and general impression I got was that they just wanted to be done with parenting. We were pretty much left to our own devices, as long as the school or the cops didn’t call.
Not for the first fifty -five years.
Never happened not once
Nope. My parents were far too busy waging war between themselves, while not wanting to get divorced because of the social stigma. I'm not sure they even wanted children in the first place; for their generation, it was "just something you did."
Every day of their lives until they passed. I do the same for mine. I got 99 problems but a set of unloving parents ain't one.
It's weird, my parents say it more often as they get older. It's still not much, but it's something...
Yes. But I definitely say it more than they did. The reason is that I lost my dad in 1993. He was 42 years old from cancer. I lost my mom in 2012 from multiple sclerosis. So this has taught me to never take life for granted. I tell my wife and my children and grandchildren that I love them pretty much every day.
My parents always told my sister and I they loved us and we had a wonderful childhood. The relationship my parents had (Dad died in 2011) is what I’ve always looked for in a relationship. Even as a child I knew my parents were best friends and meant to be together. I realize I may be an outlier, it’s just what my experience was.
No, not as a child. My mother however recently did. This is when I was 50+, and she, 80+. Better than nothing I suppose 👀
My Dad, no. My Mom didn't start saying regularly (other than birthday cards, special occasions) until she was diagnosed with (and survived) cancer.
My mother was affectionate and loving my father less so as we got older, then moreso after my mother passed. I've never doubted that my parents loved me even though we didn't always get along.
The only time my parents said "I love you" is when it was followed with "but you're in big trouble," followed by whatever punishment was going to be meted out. This is of course quite unhealthy and leads to a child associating love with pain. I didn't hear my friend's parents say I love you either, until I moved in with a friend when I turned 20. He spoke to his parents on the phone every day and saw them all the time. He always said I love you and his parents did too, it was just a normal thing for them. At first I thought that was the cringiest thing ever and it was confusing to me. Eventually I realized some other families actually express their love for each other regularly and that something was wrong with mine.
Dad never, Mom constantly
Nope.
No. My (ex military and scientific) dad died when I was young and I never heard it from him. In my 20s, I wrote my mom an email and asked her straight out. Do you even love me? And her answer was, that’s a ridiculous question. End stop.
Nope, not here! Was lucky that I was told I was “smart enough.”
Not once. Actually during an argument I told my mother that she had never once told me that she loved me. She said "why would I you've never said it to me?"
I'm going to guess she's difficult in general
I haven't seen her except for a few minutes about 8 years ago in over 30 years. But yes, difficult would be putting it mildly
What a piece of shit.
Yes, (silent generation parents), but my parents’ parents never told them. My mother said her mother never once told her she loved her growing up, but heard her say it to us (grandkids) all the time. That had to hurt. My mother always told me, “you’ll know exactly how much I love you when you have your own kids.” She was exactly right. I miss her 💔
No. Saying I love you and hugs were not allowed. They showed weakness. That's why I hug everybody and tell my children everyday that I love them.
Rarely if ever.
I was only told I was loved when my parents wanted something from me. They were master manipulators.
Yeah, my parents would do that and guilt trip me into tons of things claiming I'd do it "if I loved them."
My parents said it regularly.
Yeah, I remember my mom saying I love you. Of course it was after a bottle or two of some vino. Though after I moved out, she said fairly often, no wine included. We had a falling out just before she passed, so I'll never remember that last moment.
Never have they ever said it...oh well...I tell my kids all the time
I never had a good relationship with my parents. I'm sure they loved me, but it was always overshadowed by them being ever vigilant about me breaking the rules and being there to punish me for it. Like other comments, they didn't show each other affection. They fought often as well.i suppose when you're not happy in your marriage, it shows in other relationships.
Sorry friend. Late in her life, my mother told me that the only reason they didn't get divorced was because neither one wanted the kids. *Gulp!*
No, my parents never said it. They definitely showed it but we are incapable of saying it to each other. My husband’s parents were and are abusive (physically, emotionally) and they say it all the time. Writing it out just now makes me realize how fucked up that is. Anyway, my parents have four grandkids and they are all constantly telling each other they love them.
My mom told me once she loved me and hugged me. I asked her if she was okay. Pretty sure that was the only time and that was two decades ago.
Yes. All the time. I (47F) also tell my son (22M) that I love him all the time too
No, my parents were Eastern European, came to the US from Latvia. It was not done to say “I love you” or give hugs. It took till my mom was 80 or so for us to say “I love you” to each other. I remember, in my 20s, being at my parents’ house and on the phone to my then-husband. I told him I loved him maybe twice, and when I got off the phone, my mom told me I was “really sick” to tell him “I love you”. She was really mad and disgusted. I’m just glad that mom’s barriers came down before she died. To this day, my brother and sister do not say “I love you” back to me, even though I tell them all the time.
My parents were also Eastern European immigrants. My mother said she was proud of me when I got my PhD. Otherwise, “I love you” or any substantial praise was rare.
My mom and dad still tell me regularly that they love me ❤️ they’re 78 and 81.
Nope. I was also never told that I was special, important or even pretty. I’m 56 with auburn hair and green eyes. I’ve yet to ever feel pretty. Maybe one day.
I’d get a punch to the back of the head from my mom if I asked for an I love you. My name was “knucklehead” from 5-17 yrs old if I remember.
My mom was a very loving and caring person. My father was distant.
In the last week? Yes.
My dad always did. That was because his parents never did and he didn't like that. My mom never did. She does occasionally now and it freaks me out.
My parents were silent Gen so they of course never said any words at all. J/K. My parents made it very obvious that I was loved and special. My mother may have gone overboard with it, frankly.
Not at all. I tell my kids all the time.
My dad did after I forced him to say the actual words but he showed me he loves me by teaching me things and reminding me to check the oil in my vehicles.
My parents hugged me, kissed me, and told me they loved me at least once a day. I don't think I realized it was different for other people until I grew up. I know I was lucky.
Never unless they were seriously ill. Even when my mom was terminal I don't think she told me then. She was not a typical mother, she was more of a Vulcan.
They didn't say it in words but my mum at least showed it in deeds.
Normal for me. My parents didn't know any better, but I always envied the warm, loving families, so that's what I'm doing for my kids.
I don’t recall my Dad ever saying that he loves me. But, I know he does. My Mom will say it every once in a while. I tell my kids that I love them every single day, because it makes me feel good, and I would have liked to hear it from my parents while growing up.
I know my father loves me but he has never said it at all, my mother does now since she has health scares
Yes, I recall my mom wrote me a nice card when I graduated HS and signed it, I love you. I sobbed for hours because that was rare.
My mother, yes, my father never
My mother didn't tell me she loved me until I was 18 and leaving for college. My father NEVER told me. He molested me so, he should've been telling me in my early childhood, anyway, because he either loved me or hated me.
I just realized it the other day. I took care of my mom for 6 months before she died. I was with her everyday and every hospital stay and all the appointments. I was the last person she saw before she closed her eyes and never, not once said she loved me. My father never did either but I let him die alone in assisted living. I have told my kids I love them every chance I get.
Nope never. It's the running joke with my kids, they will say 'love you grandma' when we leave her house just to see if she'll at least say it to them (9/10 times she doesn't). I know she loves me, but I can't remember a time in my 45 years where I've received any kind of emotional support from her, let alone been told I'm loved or given a hug. Once, when I was feeling very overwhelmed after having my third child and being a teacher (like she was), she said to me 'now you know how it feels'😬 I now make sure I tell my own children every day, multiple times.
No, they never said/say it, but I KNEW/KNOW they love me very much. We are a very non-touchy feely family, but we are all always there for each other.
Nope. But they were the silent generation. They tell me and want to see me now that they’re old and need somebody to take care of them though!
Mine did/do, mom more than dad, but he gets one in when it really matters. Hugs too.
I heard it so seldom from my dad that it honestly creeped me out on the few occasions he said it, which was probably 3 times my whole life.
My mom? Yes. All the time. Annoyingly so. Dad? Can't remember a single time. Still raised on hose water and neglect.
Mom said it but Dad never did. Just before he checked out in ‘92 he told me I was a good kid. Closest he ever came to saying it. I’m not angry because whatever he saw in WWII really messed him up. I make sure I tell my kids, wife, and loved ones frequently.
My mom but never my dad. Narcissists can't love anyone.
My father was the more emotional of the two. My siblings and I, got a lot of hugs, cuddle and “I love you” from our dad. Our mom was colder. But showed us in her way. I guess you could call it “act of service”, but never with her words and never affection. But now as an adult, I now realize what she was doing.
my mom told me all the time. my dad never.
Nope. I know they do, but we weren't a lovey dovey family. We cracked jokes on each other all the time like on Rosanne.
Yes. All the time.
My dad said it all the time. He lost his first son at 8 right before my older brother was born. He was traumatized obviously by it and was overly clingy at times. My mom would NEVER say it. We would have to and then she would respond at times, almost fumbling, "Oh, yeah, love you too!"
Very rarely. I remember feeling like I didn’t understand it or trust it. My dad was an alcoholic who tended to get more emotional the more intoxicated he became, so I think that I sensed that he wasn’t to be trusted when he said it.
Oh so true. My dad especially. Heck he rarely even said it to my mom.
I can remember my Dad being drunk and trying to force me to say it to Mom and to him. They almost never said it to any of the kids including me unless someone was leaving at an airport or hanging up the phone and they said it first. Then it was usually "You too!" and they'd hug goodbye. When I was going in for surgery though Dad actually said it and kissed me. I teased him about it being "just in case" I died on the table. My Mom and Dad were not demonstrative people, unless they were sloppy drunk. I can count on both hands and I'd have fingers left over how many times my Dad kissed me or my Mom sober. He would do things just because like fill her gas tank up or bring home flowers just because Mom liked them. Or he'd put chocolate in my school or dance bag on Valentine's Day but for him to actually hug you, kiss you or say the words that was very rare. Mom too.
my parents always made it very clear they loved me, and did so often. i regularly kissed my dad, even, well into my 20s. i still kiss my mom. i'm of the opinion that stories like mine, or yours, are not generational, but that they are highly variable within any given generation, and depend more on the individual families. i.e., there's no way to generalize something like this to a given "generation"
My Mother was a diagnosed narcissist (not how people like to throw the term around today). She started saying it when she got closer to death. My Dad died when I was very young. The string of step-fathers certainly weren’t.
Mom, rarely to none. Dad didn't always say it but lots of love, hugs, and comfort so I felt it. Mom has tried to say it in the past 5 or so years but it's really weird and awkward. It feels like she's grasping at any straws to get into Heaven.
LOL. The opposite is closer to the truth.
My mother, never. And in time, I stopped loving her. My Dad softened as he aged but neither were really present.
Every interaction ends with “I love you”
It’s the one thing they did right, actually. Neglect and general idiocy aside, they let us know they loved us… even if they weren’t together enough to do anything else right.
My parents had their issues, but I never doubted that they loved me. They told me often and hugged me a lot. Other parenting choices were debatable.
Mom did, which mostly embarrassed me and I wasn't comfortable saying it back. Dad didn't, which was fine with me. He showed he cared in different ways.
I don't remember my dad saying it until I was well into my adulthood, like my 30s. He was raised in a poor rural household with 11 other kids. They didn't have much room for love. My mom, OTOH, was pretty good about it, even though she had me at 22 and divorced my dad 4 years later. Interestingly enough, after I had some bad times 20 years ago, she says it all the time now. For the record: mom is an old boomer, dad was young silent generation.
No. When I was 16, I asked my dad if he loved me bc my parents never said it to me or anyone else. He seemed surprised at the questions and told me that "of course" he loved me. He asked me if it wasn't obvious based on what they do for me. Meaning, he shows his love for me through his actions of providing for me every day.
Yes, I come from an extremely lovey dovey family and we were constantly told how much we were loved. But despite (or because of?) this upbringing, I am very much the opposite of lovey dovey.
My parents said I love you and gave me and my siblings hugs all the time when I was growing up, and that's coming from someone, that the discipline I received as a kid would be seen as abuse in today's standards!