You’re “smarter than everyone at Stars Hollow High” but you’re still dumb enough to wear long pants and a leather jacket at the beach in southern California.
What not many people know about California is that if the sun is shining it's probably winter and it does get cold on the beach. If you ever watched Bev Hills,90210 and everyone is in bikinis and board shorts they are freezing their butts off.
Jess, the people or Stars Hollow have described you as a punk, a hoodlum, and a jackass. But that’s not true. No self-respecting punk would ever work at Walmart
GOOD ONE!!! I kept thinking how much further the Palladinos could’ve taken Luke’s scathing one-liners as criticism, not just Luke’s laughter, at Jess’ employment at the singlehanded early 2000s corporation to put every single mom+pop retail shop near small towns outta business
Jess is what I imagine you would get if Sylvester Stallone and a mumbling sack of potatoes had a baby. Unfortunately for him, his actual mother was more useless than a mumbling sack of potatoes.
Most of us would ask ourselves “does Jess wear too much hair gel?” Jess would just say, “what is much?”
Rory decided to nickname Jess “dodger”, not knowing that towards the end of their relationship, he would!
Imagine thinking that working for Wal-Mart is an act of rebellion against the man. What are you going to do next, rebel? Walk old ladies across the street?
You’re a waking, talking stereotype who’s about two degrees away from complaining about ‘phonies’. Dial down your daddy issues, it doesn’t make you special.
The best thing you ever did to Rory was finally leave and ghost her. Shame you ruined her graduation and prom in the process and showed up a mere year later, but it’s a favor nonetheless
Jess Mariano, the human embodiment of a dark cloud. For someone who thinks he's a literary genius, you sure have the emotional depth of a kiddie pool. You swagger around Stars Hollow like a discount James Dean, but all you've got is the rebellion without the cause, or the charm. You pride yourself on being a misunderstood intellectual, but let's face it, the only thing misunderstood is why anyone puts up with your constant sulking. Your romance skills? Running away and coming back when it's convenient—classic. Writing a book doesn't make you profound; it just means you found a way to translate your arrogance into print. Jess, you're a walking cliché, proving that a leather jacket and a bad attitude don't make up for a complete lack of substance.
If you are “so smart for Stars Hollow High” how can you failed senior year? Sure even if the principal agreed and you had taken the test, you would have failed, reading doesn’t make you magically understand math
Im not sure what’s worse your title as a “bad boy” or the fact that you happily lived up to it.
Imagine pining for someone for nearly a whole season only to leave a soon as things got hard.
Anyway, what’s everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving Dish? I quite like deviled eggs.
Oh I just realized he isn’t here. That’s nothing new!
Did you show up after years of being away and claim that you know your high school girlfriend “better than anyone”, then proceed to question her life choices?
It’s giving major ick
You’re “smarter than everyone at Stars Hollow High” but you’re still dumb enough to wear long pants and a leather jacket at the beach in southern California.
Some old writer must have watched too much Happy Days.
Yup, really channeling The Fonz! 👍👍 Aaaaayyyyy!
Thanks for representing the leather jacket on beach frustration 💖
Haha as a pale Scottish person, I almost burst into flames just watching that scene.
What not many people know about California is that if the sun is shining it's probably winter and it does get cold on the beach. If you ever watched Bev Hills,90210 and everyone is in bikinis and board shorts they are freezing their butts off.
He was meant to stick out… like east coast vs west coast
#Why did you drop out of high school? (You know in which tone I’d say this)
Lol said it that way in my head for sure. “WHY did you DROP out of HIGH SCHool?!”
Really wish there was a mid 40s Milo reenacting that scene.
Imagine if Rory hit him with this after he asked why she dropped out of Yale lol
i would roast jess… but he already ran away without telling anyone
No he told the audience he loved them and took off
At least the audience said,"Thank you."
That was very polite
Did you come here on a bus or have you found new ways to avoid your problems?
Cat Kirk kills it in these roasts
Well… that’s Cat Kirk for you… particularly vicious
Def a trollop too
That's because he's got cat class and he's got cat style.
This is the one
Thank you ❤️
You walk around like such a badass… And yet, you were bested by a swan.
The day the word beaked was added to my vocabulary
He got beaked on the beak.
At least my mother wanted to see me for Winter break. …too far, I know 😭😭😭
I felt bad typing it 😂😭
You know Francie would say this without thought😭😭😭
Facts
I actually liked the Francie character. I would have liked to see more confrontation between her and Paris but I liked when Rory stood up to her.
Too far but a really good one lol 😂
Nothing. I would just serve him a nice batch of deviled eggs with my pet swan sitting regally beside me.
imagine abandoning the only two people who have ever loved you
Oh lord😭😭
No thanks. That would SUCK 😔!
Jess, the people or Stars Hollow have described you as a punk, a hoodlum, and a jackass. But that’s not true. No self-respecting punk would ever work at Walmart
GOOD ONE!!! I kept thinking how much further the Palladinos could’ve taken Luke’s scathing one-liners as criticism, not just Luke’s laughter, at Jess’ employment at the singlehanded early 2000s corporation to put every single mom+pop retail shop near small towns outta business
Jess is what I imagine you would get if Sylvester Stallone and a mumbling sack of potatoes had a baby. Unfortunately for him, his actual mother was more useless than a mumbling sack of potatoes. Most of us would ask ourselves “does Jess wear too much hair gel?” Jess would just say, “what is much?” Rory decided to nickname Jess “dodger”, not knowing that towards the end of their relationship, he would!
💯
DODGE-HER 😂 ⚾️ 🏃♀️💨💨💨
Do you yahoo?
He’s just not like other boys, he’s quirky 💅
He'd be quirkier if they let Dean knock him out and put him in a dumpster.
The “I read Howl” starter pack.
You may have won Rory’s heart as a teen, but as an adult you got friend-zoned more times than Logan had bridesmaids.
Nice two-for-one lol
There is not a single thing on this earth less cool than magic tricks.
Imagine thinking that working for Wal-Mart is an act of rebellion against the man. What are you going to do next, rebel? Walk old ladies across the street?
The only guy who gets bested by a swan during a fight. Oh wait, there’s also Michel.
At least with Michel it was a band of swans.
Michel and Jess in a tag team match against the swan.
You ate whatever it is was in that Tupperware, prepared by a Gilmore Girl. Even *Dean* wouldn’t have fallen for that.
Why does your hair look like that
Clara, is that you?
Yas lol
Stealing a girl from her boyfriend only to be a shitty boyfriend is crazy
You’re a waking, talking stereotype who’s about two degrees away from complaining about ‘phonies’. Dial down your daddy issues, it doesn’t make you special.
Cookie cutter bad boy
Fall back Jess, before I get mother goose to pop you in the other eye
The best thing you ever did to Rory was finally leave and ghost her. Shame you ruined her graduation and prom in the process and showed up a mere year later, but it’s a favor nonetheless
Damn I never thought about how he really did ruin the end of her high school experience which should have been a really happy time for her 😭
And then her college graduation was ruined by Logan ending their relationship because she wasn't ready to get engaged.
Fuck these men suck, they actually have me feeling bad for Rory
Jess Mariano, the human embodiment of a dark cloud. For someone who thinks he's a literary genius, you sure have the emotional depth of a kiddie pool. You swagger around Stars Hollow like a discount James Dean, but all you've got is the rebellion without the cause, or the charm. You pride yourself on being a misunderstood intellectual, but let's face it, the only thing misunderstood is why anyone puts up with your constant sulking. Your romance skills? Running away and coming back when it's convenient—classic. Writing a book doesn't make you profound; it just means you found a way to translate your arrogance into print. Jess, you're a walking cliché, proving that a leather jacket and a bad attitude don't make up for a complete lack of substance.
I'd roast him, but everyone in his life already hates him.
Constantly a douche yet acts like everyone else is the douche without seeing the irony.
If you are “so smart for Stars Hollow High” how can you failed senior year? Sure even if the principal agreed and you had taken the test, you would have failed, reading doesn’t make you magically understand math
Have you ever seen swan lake
That's all you got boy, two pretty eyes and nice hair. Wait...
Im not sure what’s worse your title as a “bad boy” or the fact that you happily lived up to it. Imagine pining for someone for nearly a whole season only to leave a soon as things got hard. Anyway, what’s everyone’s favorite Thanksgiving Dish? I quite like deviled eggs. Oh I just realized he isn’t here. That’s nothing new!
something something neither of your parents want you something something
I'd send a video, "Jess, i was gonna turn up but then I decided to fuck off to California."
How does someone get beat up by a swan
Imagine being the dude who got his car deviled-egged.
https://preview.redd.it/8ewbcep3y77d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=2553ef7c2b5890126168b332fdc16d2469fa4d74
Has the looks and the brains to get the girl, but apparently not the emotional intelligence to keep her.
jess ur uncle threw u in the lake. BOOM ROASTED
you built like a model but you're not built to last
Welcome to the stage Luke's nephew Jessica... I mean Jessicus Mariano. Audience: 👏 Woooo! 😂🤣😅 Gaffaw!
1989 called. It wants its pager and “bus ticket directly to California beach” back
He is the copy paste of Flynn Roder🤣
But he is handsome
I wouldn’t roast Jess. Life already has.
I’ve been in the market for a new hemp hat and was looking all over for you!
I can see why you didn't like Stars Hollow. Too many swans, right?
Did you show up after years of being away and claim that you know your high school girlfriend “better than anyone”, then proceed to question her life choices? It’s giving major ick
Jess, your communication skills are as good as Hillary Clinton’s email deleting skills
You townies love to drag me down huh
imagine being such an ugly baby that your dad abandons you at your birth (this one might be too far LOLL)