A voice recorder in the car and more investigation is really the best answer. By the sounds of things, you don't really know the extent of the carpool, the frequency, etc. We don't know your husband; he may not even be cognizant of not having talked with you about it. It does not sound like he is trying to hide it. Also, they may both be assuming that the other one has talked with you.
Have they exhibited suspicious behavior before? It's unsettling, tbs, but without any proof all you'll do is antagonize the situation. What does your gut tell you?
To me, no they have not.
My gut is messed up which is how I’ve turned to Reddit. My gut also says that it is very odd for both of them not to say anything. I wanna drop it and I have publicly but privately in my head, it’s just not making sense.
Antagonize is exactly what I don’t want to do. So I’m tryna sort this out in my head even if it takes a little help from Reddit.
I would also be upset about this, but I would be more upset about his response. This would make me let it go and do some investigating. I would check his phone for their text messages, among other things. How far away from you does she live? Does she have a BF/husband? IMO, his response to you kinda narced on them. They are both being shady and suspicious by not telling you. Which also, IMO, is lying by omission and deceitful.
If this is innocent I’d have thought your husband would have told you about it when it started. Something like this, “Gas is so damn expensive so friend and I came up with a good idea to carpool and save a few bucks.” Just never saying anything? That’s a bit of a strange one.
How long is the commute? How long have they carpooled? Someone else asked, does he get home later than expected?
Yeah, the issue for me is that after all of this time, no one mentioned what they talked about in the car ride to work? No one said the other said something funny about anything?
Now, he won't work there, that is so ridiculous and over the top. That is what makes people suspicious. His response. And, your "friend" didn't say anything about any of it. If you talk about everything, and not this, then there is definitely a problem, and you are not it.
Get answers, offer a one time only offer, if it doesn't make any sense, then you have your answer and then how your react is solely your choice. Your choice.
Updateme!
I'm sorry but why would they need to carpool together unless something is going on you feel it to. They never intended on telling you which shows just what your thinking.
It’s the lying. They kept pretty important information from you on purpose. Like neither of them said anything to you? They agreed to keep quiet. How did you find out? How did your husband act when you confronted him? What was the reason he didn’t tell you about the carpooling?
Exactly. That is the only thing that is bothering me, not only was I not aware but they BOTH didn’t say anything. That’s weird to me.
I overheard a conversation he was having that mentioned the carpool. I asked him about it he acted really confused and said there was no reason he didn’t say anything. I mentioned it again and now he’s saying he just rather not work, he’s also defending her.
Maybe my emotions are already heightened but I don’t like that. They both don’t have reasons they figured I knew somehow.
You have a big problem here. How long have they been doing this? Had you ever asked either a question where it not coming up means they me or both lied to you? For instance who is driving and who is not? Has he been on time coming home or running late and now you have to wonder if the running late was time spent with her doing something?
I find it a huge flag for it not to have come up by at least one of them which would smack of a concerted effort by both to not tell you.
Just either of them ever lying to keep you from knowing is a crossing of boundaries and means the relationship is no longer okay. At the least the friend should probably not be in your life and they should no longer work together. But then if you can’t trust your husband and he won’t own that there is a problem, then how do you move forward with him?
I would carefully consider past conversations and if either ever told a lie to hide the carpooling or if he has not been on time coming home and there is room for something to have occurred. I think something like them carpooling would have come unless it’s only been once in a while or happening for a few days. Any longer and you have big big problems.
What do you mean he is defending her? Against what?
And based on your previous post, sorry, he is a huge walking red flags. This is the least of your worries.
OP
“Don’t bring her into this? Honestly, I don’t know how you can keep so calm.
This man has a history of lying to you. In your other posts, you said he did not tell you he has $125K in debt until you were married. Is that correct? This alone would have sent me through the roof!! That is financial infidelity.
He is a liar. The longer you stay with him the more he will sink you financially. He is almost 40 and doesn’t know how to manage his money.
Lady, just leave. Leave now before you're on the hook for alimony. And make sure you document his work ethic, or lack thereof, so you're not stuck working with him after the divorce.
He's abusive(it's not always physical).
He lies.
Your whole marriage is based on a lie.
You don't even know who he really is.
He doesn't want you talking bad about your friend who also lied to you.
He said he'll stop working because you asked about the carpool situation. That's so nuclear.
He doesn't love you. He more than likely hates you.
He's a leech.
He's never going to change.
And of course, it's an age gap relationship.
Leave, and if you absolutely feel like you can't be alone, join a book club.
The friend parks outside OP’s home and her and OP’s husband drive his car to work. OP absolutely knew what was going on. They made no attempt to hide this.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zpuek/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zpuek/)
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zp2m4/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zp2m4/)
she was posting in the AITA forum and leaving comments like this.
Have you looked into his phone messages? You could also plant a VAR in his car. It does seem like it was purposely kept a secret. I’m sorry you are going through this. ❤️🩹
A woman's gut is usually very accurate. It's a warning system for us. I agree with the person who said a voice recorder in the car. I used one. I decided after reading the title not to jump to cheating, but one line you typed triggered me. It was how he responded after you asked him why he wasn't texting you. He got defensive and immediately said he wouldn't work anymore. That was done to shift blame onto you. He didn't show any understanding of how incriminating this all looks and try to sooth your thoughts. The reason that line triggered me was because I heard it all the time when, in fact, ex was consistently cheating.
I’ve have learned to listen to mine, it’s never led me astray. It’s likely because you don’t want to believe they are doing anything inappropriate but personally, you have the absolute right to feel the way you do.
I really hope you put a voice recorder in their car as other people have mentioned.
Best of Luck! 💕
Update me
I’m kinda in the boat that’s like, maybe they didn’t tell you because they knew it would cause you to have trust issues?
Have you been restrictive in the past? Telling your partner they can’t talk to this person, or I have to have access to your phone, or making a really big deal out of things you should trust them over?
Again, I’m not accusing you of this, I’m genuinely asking. Because maybe there’s nothing going on and they just didn’t want to fight.
And maybe there is more to it. But seeing as they work under you, how hard/easy would it be for you to find out if anything is going on?
Of course it doesn’t make sense. It seems rather obvious they would mention they carpool together. Even in the beginning a casual “hey we are on the same shift it seems reasonable to save on gas to drive to work together. But, they were silent so yes it’s leaves you to wonder why they didn’t discuss it with you.
[With the context of your post a month ago,](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/xqQnVvkoyj) why are you still putting up with this man’s shady behavior??
I just read the entire post you linked and HOLY SHIT. I cannot believe this woman is still with him after all of that. Her business will go under, he will financially gain the upper hand, and she’ll leave this relationship with nothing.
Sweetie, hire a badass lawyer and tell this man to kick rocks. You don’t need to pay him to make up for HIS debt. You don’t need to help someone who is treating you like garbage.
The red flag is this: HE’s PISSED that you make FARRRRR more money than him, it emasculates him and he acts out, rather often, to make up for his inadequacies.
I read the post and I feel really sorry for you OP, there’s no way in hell I’d subject myself to a lifetime of suffering with a man this narcissistic and unwilling to fix his negative tendencies.
You know the saying “people go to therapy to get help, narcissists go to therapy to learn how to better manipulate.” This man will manipulate you left, right, up, down, and 6 ways to Sunday before you’ve even realized you’re broke.
Your business will go under trying to make him happy and keep his debt suppressed. You legit don’t even know if the extra funds you’re paying him are even going towards his debt. He’s probably spending it in the same way he’s always spent it, and will remain in debt for the rest of his life. I’ve personally seen, first hand, quite a few relationships where the man completely changed after the marriage and it’s never ended good. Not once. Therapy won’t help someone like him.
If you don’t take any of my advice, take this:
Hire a PI, have him watched closely. Get all the evidence you can. Try to do a post nup agreement if you didn’t do a prenup. And hire a good lawyer to help walk you through this process. Since you own a business and have far more income than him, getting out as soon as possible can prevent you from having to pay alimony. Stay together for 5-10 years and you’ll be paying him alimony and he’s going to take half of everything you own. You need to gift your assists to trusted family members as well until this is handle. Be smart OP.
Please let us know how this ends. Or what you decide to do.
Updateme!
Updateme!
Wow after this post like girl the flags are flagging! 🚩🚩🚩🚩
This behavior on top of the best friend thing. This man feels inadequate to you and now he is determined on bringing you down. He wants to have you second guessing your self worth.
Why are you with a man as grown as him and not financially responsible the way you are. Let him go back to Philly. There is no reason why at your age you are stuck taking care of a grown man who belittles your contributions.
I wonder if OP does agree she needs a divorce but can’t handle that her husband is abusive, so is now trying to find something to pin on him that is tangible like an affair. Either way she needs to leave he sounds like a piece of shit.
It's perfectly justifiable for you to establish boundaries that you're not comfortable with. If you don't want your husband alone in a car with another woman, that's more than reasonable.
And you already know why they didn't mention it to you. Because they knew it was inappropriate, and they knew you wouldn't like it. They didn't "forget" to tell you; they were keeping it a secret.
> If you don't want your husband alone in a car with another woman, that's more than reasonable
How it that a reasonable boundary and not controlling nonsense. Lying is the issue here, not carpooling.
Thanks somebody Ariel mentioned this, but you can get an automatic voice recorder implant in the car and then you can hear their conversation and then you’ll know whether it’s just purely something of transportation just give each other somebody to chat with while they’re going or if there’s something more dubious
The fact neither one of them told you is a massive red flag. It’s not like they bumped into each other at the store and forgot to tell you. It’s incredibly shady and one of them needs to explain why they didn’t do the obvious and just tell you they were “carpooling.” Speaking from personal experience, don’t let this go until you get an answer. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
When you guys hang out all of you and you leave a room, leave your phone recording, even just voice record.
Believe me, it works.
You can leave them alone for a while and make yourself busy pretending to do something that completely takes you out of their radar. For example, if you all drive to the store, only you get off and leave it recording while they're in the car.
When you come back, go alone and play the recording.
That will give you a better understanding of what they are talking about or do when you're not there.
I’m going to ask a few questions you don’t have to answer them. May I ask what kind of business is it and what are they like whenever they’re together around you? How long have you known both of them and who came first is she dating anyone else or has she dated anyone else? And how long has it been if she hasn’t?
I understand what it’s like to have an illogical thoughts about a situation because of a partners prior behaviors.. and I’ve experienced suspicions on a few friends that spoke with him who were completely innocent and ignorant. The backstory unbeknownst to me at the time was him trying to give them a bad impression of me, working his way into the victim role when he was in fact, the abuser who was a sex addict.
Has either of them hurt you emotionally?
On the positive side, sometimes people forget to say things and maybe you have a birthday coming up or maybe you have something that they want to surprise you on or it’s possible they just forgot about it. Or maybe something happened to you in the past and they both knew that you might worry about it or get upset. But how did you find out about the carpooling in the first place?
On the I don’t know you but from one human being to another human being I’m sorry you’re going through this and I understand that it’s tough when it’s an illogical thought process when you aren’t that type of person normally goes down that path. DM me if you ever need someone to bounce the feelings off of because I’ve been there. And sometimes we have to do things like this as graceful as possible so we avoid falling flat on our face or making an idiot out of ourselves, but it doesn’t mean that the feeling go away so if you wanna rant and rave, do it to me until you have enough evidence to where you’re comfortable with letting it go or putting it to rest.
Hi! Okay here are my answers:
I have a home health company.
They hardly say anything to each other at all when they’re both around me.
I met my best friend while I was living in TX in 2016 became close in 2019. I moved back to LA in 2019 so we lost touch for a bit. Then we connected again and she was struggling so I offered her to come to LA, live in one of my houses and work at my company to get on her feet. She was in an abusive relationship in TX so ever since she’s moved to LA she hasn’t been seeing anyone. It’s been about one year since she’s been seeing someone.
I met my husband in 2022, married in 2023.
My best friend has never hurt me emotionally. Although when we met we were borderline enemies because of her lying to my cousin about a baby that was not his. I was not rocking with that, couldn’t see her in a good light back then. We met from her dating my cousin. Became close friends few years after that happened.
My husband has hurt me emotionally a lot but not in the infidelity sector, ever.
I found out about the carpooling from overhearing a conversation my husband was having with my mom. My mother works for me as well as a director in my company, so he was trying to explain something that was going on with the client he and my best friend work with and he had mentioned something about them carpooling, it was very quick. I think he forgot I didn’t know.
All of our birthdays have passed already.
They both have working cars and gas money. If she was low on money she’d just ask me for it, she’s never had a problem doing that before.
What do you think?
Sorry but none of this seems okay. How and why have they exchanged numbers. They are communicating without your knowledge that right there is a violation. I would check your phone bill to see how much communication they have been having behind your back.
This sounds like they are cheating! If not physically, then definitely emotionally. You need to nip that in the bud now!
You had a problem because she cheats on people.
She hasn’t had a boyfriend since 2022 and she secretly carpools with your husband.
You are the meal ticket for everyone involved. Resentment breeds disrespect.
I would do some investigating.
Edit: I just read your last post, your husband resents you. You are exceptional and he is mediocre. Your excellence attacks his masculinity, so he is having an affair with this other woman.
You make $12,000/mo to his $4,000/mo and he tried to get you to be a stay at home wife.
He came with $125,000K in debt that he lied about, and you gave him a cushy job at your company for even more money and he sat around and did NOTHING!
He denigrated you to his family, your friends and YOUR MOTHER!
My dear, being alone is better than being with him. Are you so lonely that you feel this old man (who is a loser) is your only option?
If you’re going to pay to maintain a man at least choose a young man.
Neither of these people care for you. This affair and they are definitely having an affair is to harm you without you knowing, because if you find out their lives would be negatively impacted.
So if you find out he is cheating then you don't say a word... I strongly suggest transferring ownership of your business over to your mom so he can't take half ...you woukd be fine with your homes because you already owned them before you married..alimony you woukdnt have to pay unless you were over five years..but sweetie you own a dam business and homes you should always have a prenup set up..
But if he works weekends and you work during the week when do you actually spend quality time together...why doesn't he work during the week with you....
Honestly, after reading your answers, I REALLYYYYYY don’t think your best friend would put her ENTIRE livelihood on the line to be in some sort of situation with your husband. She lives in a house you own, working for your company, and you’re the only reason she’s not living in a nightmare every day.
You’d have to think she’s a really shit person to jump straight to that conclusion. But considering how you met her, maybe you have some subconscious feelings towards her regarding her past that are now directly affecting you.
Either way, I wouldn’t push one way or the other without more evidence. You don’t have anything really, other than him talking to your mother. And if it was a secret or they were trying to hide it, I HIGHLY doubt he’d just mention that to your mom in conversation. Most of the time cheaters are very aware of the bullshit coming out of their mouths, and they will not slip up like that, when it’s not supposed to be known by anyone else.
I think they just didn’t tell you bc they didn’t think it mattered. They’re both very close to you, and it was probably not even a thought to either of them. I don’t know them, but you do. And you should take in how they’ve treated you since you’ve known them both, and their character, before you blow up over something so small.
Put a voice recorder in the car. Search texts. Emails. Socials. Find actual evidence, otherwise you could potentially be crumbling a nice trusting foundation with your husband that could be really hard to regain. So I’d say find more evidence before you decide to go nuclear regarding two people who love you and are your most important relationships.
>She lives in a house you own, working for your company, and you’re the only reason she’s not living in a nightmare every day.
>You’d have to think she’s a really shit person to jump straight to that conclusion.
Not really. Some people are just really horrible and they don't have a problem with using people.
OP, You sound like you have a good heart. And you have a willingness to help people and want people to do better. My only fear is, you're missing red flags in front of you and you're desire to be nice and I don't want you to lose that ability to see the good in people and want to help people, but I need you to also realize you have to protect yourself too.
From your comments, this woman, it has light about a baby to your cousin. A baby. Do you know how traumatic and they go lie? That is for someone to lie about the father. Hood of their child. That's the biggest lie that I want me to tell a man aside from cheating but evil with cheating. At least they can get out of that. Sometimes with this, they lock them in legally. And they'll still be financially responsible for that child. And then the fact that she had the ability to lie. So simply about something that's so big. That is her red flag and I should have been a no to stay clear of her
Your husband his red flag was lying previously. Before you got married about his finances, the fact that he is literally abusing you. Mentally and emotionally into living a left in life and then he's technically, even though he makes less than you financially abusing you. By making himself seen the victim for his own previous. Choices, what's the weather is debt? Then not taking responsibility for the job you gave him, which is supposed to be to pay his bills. And he's not doing that job. It's almost like he's literally trying to hurt your company
Now I do have a big big question to ask...... Did you get a prenup before you married?
We're supposed to trust the person we marry, otherwise why marry them? But of course, since we do trust them it makes it so much easier for them to get away with shit. Keep cool, you got nothing, there probably isn't anything. But don't be so naive as to think "it could never happen to me". Keep a watch, if things don't add up after a while then find proof and go from there. But it's probably nothing. A best friend betraying you with your spouse is super rare - people might think otherwise because of how much of that kind of thing you see on the internet, but remember situations like that gain traction because people love drama and they are also a very small minority of cheating stories as well. It's probably nothing, but don't be dumb either.
Of course the omission is suspicious. Why wouldn’t either of them mention in passing they were car sharing?
If they didn’t mention then how did you find out?
I'd tell them both that he is your husband and she is your friend and the fact neither said anything is suspicious, and honestly, now you're uncomfortable them doing.
My experience is that people only lie for one thing.
I read some of your post history. Please talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Don’t file or anything just see what your options are. Your husband sounds very manipulative. You need to reconsider this whole situation.
Your gut is in knots bc if it was just one not mentioning, maybe, but both have avoided telling you.
That's two red flags there.
Ask her to lunch. Be calm. To the point.
"Whats going on in your life lately? Anything you want to tell me?"
It's the keeping a secret from you and putting you on the outside. It sounds like he is gas lighting you as well to make you feel like the bad person. Have a good talk with your friend because if she's keeping secrets from you she's not a good friend.
They didn't tell you because they didn't want you to know.
What else hasn't they told you about and you had to find out on your own? I don't mean together, I mean what has he ever done and what has she ever done to make you feel this way you're feeling right now
Yes, it is most certainly shady. It’s called lying by omission. There is no reason why not one, but two people failed to mention this if it’s innocent. You can’t let it go because your intuition is telling you something is wrong.
I did read your other post and it seems lying by omission is par for course with this man. The fact that he flipped on you as soon as you married should tell you everything. All the things you wrote are huge red flags. He is abusing you in more ways than one. Him having a good reputation with people means nothing. So many notorious figures that have committed horrific acts were known by their friends and community as good, helpful people. Have you heard of Chris Watts? You’re experiencing his mask slipping. They probably won’t see that side of him, but it’s hard to keep that up when you live with someone and married to them. Some can do that, but it’s a lot of effort.
I also think his attitude towards your company and finances could potentially be dangerous to you. Be careful please. Looking from the outside it really sounds like the beginning of one of those true crime documentaries.
Your best friend is also being shady. This is your quote
“she’d see me walking outside but didn’t say anything to me because according to her I seemed busy.”
Your best friend regularly sees you and says nothing? Think about how odd that is. None of it makes sense.
Can I ask, does she pay rent for your house that she’s living in?
Between this post and your other one, I would say that you should get out. There's just too much going on here. He's abusive and it's only going to get worse, and he will probably run up debt and hurt your business in the end. The sooner you get him gone, the better. I'm sorry.
Did you ask your husband and best friend WTF they are lying and deceiving you by omission?
Ask your husband if it’s alright to hang out one on one with his best friend going to the store or bars in the same car without telling you?
Get a VAR to monitor their conversations.
I think you ghost your friend and consult a lawyer for divorce advice.
Since your husband has been shady on his finances and income I think it best you divorce before he can claim any of your wealth. Also send your friend packing, she’s being just as shady.
They have a friendship from which you are deliberately excluded. They don't talk about any part of their time together. It's shady as F!
Get a voice-activated recorder for the car. Hide it well. If you are responsible for paying his phone contract, check the bill. Or, wait until he's asleep and access his phone.
Your spidey senses are tingling; don't ignore them. They could be having an EA, but it could be more.
Me: "I'm being irrationally suspicious"
Them: got to the point of kissing AT A MINIMUM before I found out and my world shifted.
I can't advise the best way to approach this, but you NEED to address this.
is this a job in a workplace with other people around at the weekend?
have you seen this extra money come in?
does carpooling make sense given their home locations?
I can’t imagine not giving my wife a heads up any time I give a ride to anyone especially a female. I expect the same communication from her. This sounds very suspicious. I’m not saying you should keep your mouth shut and put a voice recorder in his car. I’m not saying that.
I would be incredibly uncomfortable hearing of this if my partner was carpooling with my best friend without my knowledge with both of them having not mentioned it for that amount of time.
You have every right to be suspicious about this, while I understand the convenience aspect of carpooling when they work at the same company - there is no justifiable excuse for the both of them keeping it from you and not bringing it up when it first started.
The carpooling itself isn't the cause for the concern, it's the effort they've taken to keep it from you. There's no need to have kept it from you unless there's more going on.
I just feel suspicious. It's like these 2 people who you have a close relationship with couldn't come to you and tell you that they were carpooling?
The thing is, you already knew they had the same shift, at he same job. That's one thing, but the fact they didn't anything about the rides is lying by omission.
Then the question is, if they're lying about that.....What else could they be lying about, you know?
Trust your gut!
> I asked him why, he’s now upset and is saying he just won’t work then.
Childish AF. And manipulative. If there is any distrust, his deflection and stonewalling, his behavior is just re-enforcing it. I think you should hire a PI to follow them.
If you feel uncomfortable about it, it’s worth investigating.
You husbands reaction to being questioned is strange but I’d suggest dropping it/ action unbothered whilst quietly snooping further
If I were him, and found out that my significant other found out, I would be apologetic and reassure you and make any changes necessary. I also would never hide something like this behind my loved one’s back to begin with. That fact that he was immediately defensive, defending her instead of reassuring you, and hiding this for that matter, gives the impression that there is some underlying attraction and wanting to spend private time with one another doing who knows what. Trust your gut. See how he and/or she reacts if you ask either them to see their conversations on their phones. If they match up or it looks like things were deleted. Or just ask to see his phone. If he were innocent he wouldn’t try to stop you. He’d show you to reassure you. If he takes his time and then gives it to you trying delete stuff beforehand, and if he has an iPhone, I think there’s a way to restore/recover deleted texts from the last 30 days.
Well I'm thinking she may be his work wife and he her work husband. I put a voice recorder in the car if you're feeling uneasy about them. Because they could be spending breaks and lunches together growing their bonds to more than friendships
Are there other red flags? Would you like a list of red flags to see if he has too many? You should snoop his phone and put a var in his car for good measure. You need some peace of mind. The fact he jumped straight to quitting his job is soooo telling, like a huge overreaction. Updateme!
If you can't get over it don't lie to your husband tell him and make him explain why they shared a car with thinking to mention it to you, or you carefully go about looking for evidence that he's cheating. Be ready for either finding it or if you find none and he finds out losing it completely and divorcing you. If was me I'd be a cheaters worst nightmare and stop being predictable. If you're able to turn up and meeting for lunch at random days of the week when he's working.
It could also be your best friend either caught him with someone else at work and as such to save your marriage has got him on a short leash or just as likely nothing happened and they just didn't think you'd care if they car pooled. Might be worth sitting down the 3 of you and speaking like grown adults over this
Listen to your gut. They’re being shady. Voice recorder in the car (use Velcro to secure it or it could slide out and they’d find it). Make up some excuse to show up during their shift and ask friend how she got to work as you didn’t see her car. See if she lies to you. If she tells you the truth ask why is that? Why is she catching rides with your husband and ask him why too and why they both kept it a secret. Put them on the spot. They will talk about it with each other in the car when he drops her off. Listen to what’s said on the recording.
Thinking if I were in your shoes also makes me feel weird because I feel especially if it’s one of MY friends and you only knew them through ME. You should let him know that you’re not uncomfortable by them doing so in itself, but them doing so without any communication makes you feel unsettled.
Because if I were to do the same for one of my S.O’s friends, it would also be very weird not only for him but for me too.
You should really just communicate how this is making you feel to him, and that something like that is something that definitely needs to be communicated. Maybe also relate it to yourself with if you met up regularly with one of his guy friends that you met through him, it would also be really weird to not say anything to him.
But also like someone said, “voice recorder in the car,” I believe you should do this before confronting him about how you feel about it. So you can know what’s happening before you say something about it, and if it’s infidelity then sorting that out takes priority over you just communicating about feeling unsettled by these carpools.
Based on this and your other post, this man is not a man. He can't handle you making more money than him and he is probably cheating with your best friend because men like him need external validation. He knows he is a loser and takes it out on you.
OP i looked up your profile to see your last month post about his literal abuse. What's to give a damn about this man? I'm so sorry, you seem to be working hard but he sounds like a trash.
You know. My dad used to carpool with his friends before he got a new job. SOMETIMES ITS JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE THERE. He never told us who he was driving with because they are just getting to work and gossiping like old biddies.
Your first post about your husband makes me feel so much sadness for your situation, hun.
He wants to tear you down because you're an independent woman who started a MEDICIAL business in LA, one of the most expensive places to live in the state, especially considering his previous paygrade.
You gave him a job, and his attitude towards you just got worse. He's abusing you honey. You don't see his actions as abuse, because it's so normalized for you. It fucks with your mind when he's nice to everyone else except to you. I've been in such a relationship myself. It was hard to see the pain and heart ache that he caused me everyday as abusive while during the relationship(not a marriage), because of the love you have in your heart for him.
That just means you have a heart of gold, and that's not a bad thing. He's taking advantage of the love you have for him and giving you none whatsoever. He tied you down via marriage and now he sees no point in giving anymore of his "love" to you.
He doesn't deserve it, you're such a young entrepreneur and he wanted to wittle you and your business down to nothin. Next thing you know, he and your 'best friend' will probably try and find some way to rip it out from under you, but judging as you have such a good support system from your family, I doubt they'll get far.
Between your last post, and this current post, if you guys still aren't having sex because of your feelings of disgust surrounding having sex with him, then I'm convinced he's getting it from your best friend during those "carpool" rides, especially since neither of them told you anything whatsoever and you had to overhear it to hide it, and he got so defensive of her? Yeah, those are all signs that he's getting his fuck he so desperately wants from her. You're just a bank account to him so he can be able to save up and inevitably leave you to be with the next woman.
Speak to an attorney because they'll help you the most in this situation. Please be careful if you have a joint bank account, get everything sorted to protect yourself in case this shit hits the fan hard. Get the voice recorders in the car as so many people have suggested and sweep through the phone, messages, Social media Apps, deleted bin, etcetc and sending any evidence you have to your own devices and hire a PI aswell as that'll help strengthen your case.
I wish you the best of luck OP. Sending love and hugs your way❤❤, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.
You can put a recording device in the vehicle...you can also download a spyware like pctattletale on his phone and see his conversations and texts without him knowing
Depends on what he does at the business is he in an office job..or labourer...if in an office you can set up a nanny cam so you can see if they are fooling around...for your own peace of mind..even have usb ports with cameras that you can set up in places ....plan it sneakingly
How far is the commute? 20- 30 minutes I don't see it. More than that, why not save a little money. Personally I hate carpooling.
If they use you husband's car, put a VAR in it. Also I take it his best friend is a woman.
"I really don’t want to be “that” person (irrationally suspicious), ... funny business but in a way I don’t trust anybody completely." Sounds like you are that person. You make no mention of any other bad behavior. Except not immediately answering a text. Just a thought here. Maybe he was actually working. And really. Are we now suspect if we don't drop what ever we are doing to answer one of God knows how many texts?
I dunno. Some people carpool for like … the environment and to save gas? Did they try to hide that they carpool? Because that would be weird. Carpooling on its own isn’t so important that I would give my spouse a heads up.
You’ve said they’ve not done anything sus so I’m not sure 🤷🏻♀️
His response was a bit childish tho. Can we get more context for that conversation?
Voice recorder in the car…
A voice recorder in the car and more investigation is really the best answer. By the sounds of things, you don't really know the extent of the carpool, the frequency, etc. We don't know your husband; he may not even be cognizant of not having talked with you about it. It does not sound like he is trying to hide it. Also, they may both be assuming that the other one has talked with you.
Came here to say that. Updateme!
gonna say this
🙌❤️🙌
Have they exhibited suspicious behavior before? It's unsettling, tbs, but without any proof all you'll do is antagonize the situation. What does your gut tell you?
To me, no they have not. My gut is messed up which is how I’ve turned to Reddit. My gut also says that it is very odd for both of them not to say anything. I wanna drop it and I have publicly but privately in my head, it’s just not making sense. Antagonize is exactly what I don’t want to do. So I’m tryna sort this out in my head even if it takes a little help from Reddit.
I would also be upset about this, but I would be more upset about his response. This would make me let it go and do some investigating. I would check his phone for their text messages, among other things. How far away from you does she live? Does she have a BF/husband? IMO, his response to you kinda narced on them. They are both being shady and suspicious by not telling you. Which also, IMO, is lying by omission and deceitful.
100% agree with your comment. I can be a huge legalist when I want and it is absolutely lying by omission, that’s what’s killing everything for me.
If this is innocent I’d have thought your husband would have told you about it when it started. Something like this, “Gas is so damn expensive so friend and I came up with a good idea to carpool and save a few bucks.” Just never saying anything? That’s a bit of a strange one. How long is the commute? How long have they carpooled? Someone else asked, does he get home later than expected?
I personally would turn into a PI, or I would hire a professional to get your proof. I would also show up unannounced to see what's going on.
Yeah, the issue for me is that after all of this time, no one mentioned what they talked about in the car ride to work? No one said the other said something funny about anything? Now, he won't work there, that is so ridiculous and over the top. That is what makes people suspicious. His response. And, your "friend" didn't say anything about any of it. If you talk about everything, and not this, then there is definitely a problem, and you are not it. Get answers, offer a one time only offer, if it doesn't make any sense, then you have your answer and then how your react is solely your choice. Your choice. Updateme!
Have you found anything out yet? How are you doing?
I'm sorry but why would they need to carpool together unless something is going on you feel it to. They never intended on telling you which shows just what your thinking.
It’s the lying. They kept pretty important information from you on purpose. Like neither of them said anything to you? They agreed to keep quiet. How did you find out? How did your husband act when you confronted him? What was the reason he didn’t tell you about the carpooling?
Exactly. That is the only thing that is bothering me, not only was I not aware but they BOTH didn’t say anything. That’s weird to me. I overheard a conversation he was having that mentioned the carpool. I asked him about it he acted really confused and said there was no reason he didn’t say anything. I mentioned it again and now he’s saying he just rather not work, he’s also defending her. Maybe my emotions are already heightened but I don’t like that. They both don’t have reasons they figured I knew somehow.
The “I just won’t work then” is a pretty textbook manipulation response used by people that are trying to cover their ass.
You have a big problem here. How long have they been doing this? Had you ever asked either a question where it not coming up means they me or both lied to you? For instance who is driving and who is not? Has he been on time coming home or running late and now you have to wonder if the running late was time spent with her doing something? I find it a huge flag for it not to have come up by at least one of them which would smack of a concerted effort by both to not tell you. Just either of them ever lying to keep you from knowing is a crossing of boundaries and means the relationship is no longer okay. At the least the friend should probably not be in your life and they should no longer work together. But then if you can’t trust your husband and he won’t own that there is a problem, then how do you move forward with him? I would carefully consider past conversations and if either ever told a lie to hide the carpooling or if he has not been on time coming home and there is room for something to have occurred. I think something like them carpooling would have come unless it’s only been once in a while or happening for a few days. Any longer and you have big big problems.
What do you mean he is defending her? Against what? And based on your previous post, sorry, he is a huge walking red flags. This is the least of your worries.
He’s all like “that’s your sister I was helping out the family, don’t be mad at her or bring her into this!!” I just don’t like that response idk.
I’m sorry what? She is part of this! He should be apologizing not defending her.
You need to bring her into this because SHE IS ALL IN IT.
OP “Don’t bring her into this? Honestly, I don’t know how you can keep so calm. This man has a history of lying to you. In your other posts, you said he did not tell you he has $125K in debt until you were married. Is that correct? This alone would have sent me through the roof!! That is financial infidelity. He is a liar. The longer you stay with him the more he will sink you financially. He is almost 40 and doesn’t know how to manage his money.
Lady, just leave. Leave now before you're on the hook for alimony. And make sure you document his work ethic, or lack thereof, so you're not stuck working with him after the divorce. He's abusive(it's not always physical). He lies. Your whole marriage is based on a lie. You don't even know who he really is. He doesn't want you talking bad about your friend who also lied to you. He said he'll stop working because you asked about the carpool situation. That's so nuclear. He doesn't love you. He more than likely hates you. He's a leech. He's never going to change. And of course, it's an age gap relationship. Leave, and if you absolutely feel like you can't be alone, join a book club.
The friend parks outside OP’s home and her and OP’s husband drive his car to work. OP absolutely knew what was going on. They made no attempt to hide this.
When did OP say this?? How do you know that the friend parks outside her house?
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zpuek/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zpuek/) [https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zp2m4/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/comments/1dn1wf2/comment/l9zp2m4/) she was posting in the AITA forum and leaving comments like this.
Have you looked into his phone messages? You could also plant a VAR in his car. It does seem like it was purposely kept a secret. I’m sorry you are going through this. ❤️🩹
A woman's gut is usually very accurate. It's a warning system for us. I agree with the person who said a voice recorder in the car. I used one. I decided after reading the title not to jump to cheating, but one line you typed triggered me. It was how he responded after you asked him why he wasn't texting you. He got defensive and immediately said he wouldn't work anymore. That was done to shift blame onto you. He didn't show any understanding of how incriminating this all looks and try to sooth your thoughts. The reason that line triggered me was because I heard it all the time when, in fact, ex was consistently cheating.
I’ve have learned to listen to mine, it’s never led me astray. It’s likely because you don’t want to believe they are doing anything inappropriate but personally, you have the absolute right to feel the way you do. I really hope you put a voice recorder in their car as other people have mentioned. Best of Luck! 💕 Update me
I’m kinda in the boat that’s like, maybe they didn’t tell you because they knew it would cause you to have trust issues? Have you been restrictive in the past? Telling your partner they can’t talk to this person, or I have to have access to your phone, or making a really big deal out of things you should trust them over? Again, I’m not accusing you of this, I’m genuinely asking. Because maybe there’s nothing going on and they just didn’t want to fight. And maybe there is more to it. But seeing as they work under you, how hard/easy would it be for you to find out if anything is going on?
Of course it doesn’t make sense. It seems rather obvious they would mention they carpool together. Even in the beginning a casual “hey we are on the same shift it seems reasonable to save on gas to drive to work together. But, they were silent so yes it’s leaves you to wonder why they didn’t discuss it with you.
[With the context of your post a month ago,](https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/xqQnVvkoyj) why are you still putting up with this man’s shady behavior??
Good catch. OP, seriously. This whole thing sounds like a train wreck. Protect your assets and divorce this guy. He's not well. And not a nice person.
I just read the entire post you linked and HOLY SHIT. I cannot believe this woman is still with him after all of that. Her business will go under, he will financially gain the upper hand, and she’ll leave this relationship with nothing. Sweetie, hire a badass lawyer and tell this man to kick rocks. You don’t need to pay him to make up for HIS debt. You don’t need to help someone who is treating you like garbage. The red flag is this: HE’s PISSED that you make FARRRRR more money than him, it emasculates him and he acts out, rather often, to make up for his inadequacies. I read the post and I feel really sorry for you OP, there’s no way in hell I’d subject myself to a lifetime of suffering with a man this narcissistic and unwilling to fix his negative tendencies. You know the saying “people go to therapy to get help, narcissists go to therapy to learn how to better manipulate.” This man will manipulate you left, right, up, down, and 6 ways to Sunday before you’ve even realized you’re broke. Your business will go under trying to make him happy and keep his debt suppressed. You legit don’t even know if the extra funds you’re paying him are even going towards his debt. He’s probably spending it in the same way he’s always spent it, and will remain in debt for the rest of his life. I’ve personally seen, first hand, quite a few relationships where the man completely changed after the marriage and it’s never ended good. Not once. Therapy won’t help someone like him. If you don’t take any of my advice, take this: Hire a PI, have him watched closely. Get all the evidence you can. Try to do a post nup agreement if you didn’t do a prenup. And hire a good lawyer to help walk you through this process. Since you own a business and have far more income than him, getting out as soon as possible can prevent you from having to pay alimony. Stay together for 5-10 years and you’ll be paying him alimony and he’s going to take half of everything you own. You need to gift your assists to trusted family members as well until this is handle. Be smart OP. Please let us know how this ends. Or what you decide to do. Updateme! Updateme!
Wow after this post like girl the flags are flagging! 🚩🚩🚩🚩 This behavior on top of the best friend thing. This man feels inadequate to you and now he is determined on bringing you down. He wants to have you second guessing your self worth. Why are you with a man as grown as him and not financially responsible the way you are. Let him go back to Philly. There is no reason why at your age you are stuck taking care of a grown man who belittles your contributions.
I wonder if OP does agree she needs a divorce but can’t handle that her husband is abusive, so is now trying to find something to pin on him that is tangible like an affair. Either way she needs to leave he sounds like a piece of shit.
Thanks for the link u/bazaarjunk… OP is in a forest of 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Holy moly.. run. Don’t walk!!!
It is weird that they never mentioned it.
There’s usually a reason for something not making sense…
It's perfectly justifiable for you to establish boundaries that you're not comfortable with. If you don't want your husband alone in a car with another woman, that's more than reasonable. And you already know why they didn't mention it to you. Because they knew it was inappropriate, and they knew you wouldn't like it. They didn't "forget" to tell you; they were keeping it a secret.
> If you don't want your husband alone in a car with another woman, that's more than reasonable How it that a reasonable boundary and not controlling nonsense. Lying is the issue here, not carpooling.
Agreed. Men and women can have a healthy platonic relationship with each other. OP should really focus on the lying aspect.
Thanks somebody Ariel mentioned this, but you can get an automatic voice recorder implant in the car and then you can hear their conversation and then you’ll know whether it’s just purely something of transportation just give each other somebody to chat with while they’re going or if there’s something more dubious
How early does he go to pick her up? Does the timing justify the commute time? Just listen to your gut.
The fact neither one of them told you is a massive red flag. It’s not like they bumped into each other at the store and forgot to tell you. It’s incredibly shady and one of them needs to explain why they didn’t do the obvious and just tell you they were “carpooling.” Speaking from personal experience, don’t let this go until you get an answer. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
I agree with putting a recorder in the car. You don't just not mention this. It's beyond a boundary.
When you guys hang out all of you and you leave a room, leave your phone recording, even just voice record. Believe me, it works. You can leave them alone for a while and make yourself busy pretending to do something that completely takes you out of their radar. For example, if you all drive to the store, only you get off and leave it recording while they're in the car. When you come back, go alone and play the recording. That will give you a better understanding of what they are talking about or do when you're not there.
I’m going to ask a few questions you don’t have to answer them. May I ask what kind of business is it and what are they like whenever they’re together around you? How long have you known both of them and who came first is she dating anyone else or has she dated anyone else? And how long has it been if she hasn’t? I understand what it’s like to have an illogical thoughts about a situation because of a partners prior behaviors.. and I’ve experienced suspicions on a few friends that spoke with him who were completely innocent and ignorant. The backstory unbeknownst to me at the time was him trying to give them a bad impression of me, working his way into the victim role when he was in fact, the abuser who was a sex addict. Has either of them hurt you emotionally? On the positive side, sometimes people forget to say things and maybe you have a birthday coming up or maybe you have something that they want to surprise you on or it’s possible they just forgot about it. Or maybe something happened to you in the past and they both knew that you might worry about it or get upset. But how did you find out about the carpooling in the first place? On the I don’t know you but from one human being to another human being I’m sorry you’re going through this and I understand that it’s tough when it’s an illogical thought process when you aren’t that type of person normally goes down that path. DM me if you ever need someone to bounce the feelings off of because I’ve been there. And sometimes we have to do things like this as graceful as possible so we avoid falling flat on our face or making an idiot out of ourselves, but it doesn’t mean that the feeling go away so if you wanna rant and rave, do it to me until you have enough evidence to where you’re comfortable with letting it go or putting it to rest.
Hi! Okay here are my answers: I have a home health company. They hardly say anything to each other at all when they’re both around me. I met my best friend while I was living in TX in 2016 became close in 2019. I moved back to LA in 2019 so we lost touch for a bit. Then we connected again and she was struggling so I offered her to come to LA, live in one of my houses and work at my company to get on her feet. She was in an abusive relationship in TX so ever since she’s moved to LA she hasn’t been seeing anyone. It’s been about one year since she’s been seeing someone. I met my husband in 2022, married in 2023. My best friend has never hurt me emotionally. Although when we met we were borderline enemies because of her lying to my cousin about a baby that was not his. I was not rocking with that, couldn’t see her in a good light back then. We met from her dating my cousin. Became close friends few years after that happened. My husband has hurt me emotionally a lot but not in the infidelity sector, ever. I found out about the carpooling from overhearing a conversation my husband was having with my mom. My mother works for me as well as a director in my company, so he was trying to explain something that was going on with the client he and my best friend work with and he had mentioned something about them carpooling, it was very quick. I think he forgot I didn’t know. All of our birthdays have passed already. They both have working cars and gas money. If she was low on money she’d just ask me for it, she’s never had a problem doing that before. What do you think?
Sorry but none of this seems okay. How and why have they exchanged numbers. They are communicating without your knowledge that right there is a violation. I would check your phone bill to see how much communication they have been having behind your back. This sounds like they are cheating! If not physically, then definitely emotionally. You need to nip that in the bud now!
You had a problem because she cheats on people. She hasn’t had a boyfriend since 2022 and she secretly carpools with your husband. You are the meal ticket for everyone involved. Resentment breeds disrespect. I would do some investigating. Edit: I just read your last post, your husband resents you. You are exceptional and he is mediocre. Your excellence attacks his masculinity, so he is having an affair with this other woman. You make $12,000/mo to his $4,000/mo and he tried to get you to be a stay at home wife. He came with $125,000K in debt that he lied about, and you gave him a cushy job at your company for even more money and he sat around and did NOTHING! He denigrated you to his family, your friends and YOUR MOTHER! My dear, being alone is better than being with him. Are you so lonely that you feel this old man (who is a loser) is your only option? If you’re going to pay to maintain a man at least choose a young man. Neither of these people care for you. This affair and they are definitely having an affair is to harm you without you knowing, because if you find out their lives would be negatively impacted.
Ita the hiding it and then trying to protect the firend🚩🚩 Updateme!
So if you find out he is cheating then you don't say a word... I strongly suggest transferring ownership of your business over to your mom so he can't take half ...you woukd be fine with your homes because you already owned them before you married..alimony you woukdnt have to pay unless you were over five years..but sweetie you own a dam business and homes you should always have a prenup set up.. But if he works weekends and you work during the week when do you actually spend quality time together...why doesn't he work during the week with you....
Honestly, after reading your answers, I REALLYYYYYY don’t think your best friend would put her ENTIRE livelihood on the line to be in some sort of situation with your husband. She lives in a house you own, working for your company, and you’re the only reason she’s not living in a nightmare every day. You’d have to think she’s a really shit person to jump straight to that conclusion. But considering how you met her, maybe you have some subconscious feelings towards her regarding her past that are now directly affecting you. Either way, I wouldn’t push one way or the other without more evidence. You don’t have anything really, other than him talking to your mother. And if it was a secret or they were trying to hide it, I HIGHLY doubt he’d just mention that to your mom in conversation. Most of the time cheaters are very aware of the bullshit coming out of their mouths, and they will not slip up like that, when it’s not supposed to be known by anyone else. I think they just didn’t tell you bc they didn’t think it mattered. They’re both very close to you, and it was probably not even a thought to either of them. I don’t know them, but you do. And you should take in how they’ve treated you since you’ve known them both, and their character, before you blow up over something so small. Put a voice recorder in the car. Search texts. Emails. Socials. Find actual evidence, otherwise you could potentially be crumbling a nice trusting foundation with your husband that could be really hard to regain. So I’d say find more evidence before you decide to go nuclear regarding two people who love you and are your most important relationships.
>She lives in a house you own, working for your company, and you’re the only reason she’s not living in a nightmare every day. >You’d have to think she’s a really shit person to jump straight to that conclusion. Not really. Some people are just really horrible and they don't have a problem with using people. OP, You sound like you have a good heart. And you have a willingness to help people and want people to do better. My only fear is, you're missing red flags in front of you and you're desire to be nice and I don't want you to lose that ability to see the good in people and want to help people, but I need you to also realize you have to protect yourself too. From your comments, this woman, it has light about a baby to your cousin. A baby. Do you know how traumatic and they go lie? That is for someone to lie about the father. Hood of their child. That's the biggest lie that I want me to tell a man aside from cheating but evil with cheating. At least they can get out of that. Sometimes with this, they lock them in legally. And they'll still be financially responsible for that child. And then the fact that she had the ability to lie. So simply about something that's so big. That is her red flag and I should have been a no to stay clear of her Your husband his red flag was lying previously. Before you got married about his finances, the fact that he is literally abusing you. Mentally and emotionally into living a left in life and then he's technically, even though he makes less than you financially abusing you. By making himself seen the victim for his own previous. Choices, what's the weather is debt? Then not taking responsibility for the job you gave him, which is supposed to be to pay his bills. And he's not doing that job. It's almost like he's literally trying to hurt your company Now I do have a big big question to ask...... Did you get a prenup before you married?
We're supposed to trust the person we marry, otherwise why marry them? But of course, since we do trust them it makes it so much easier for them to get away with shit. Keep cool, you got nothing, there probably isn't anything. But don't be so naive as to think "it could never happen to me". Keep a watch, if things don't add up after a while then find proof and go from there. But it's probably nothing. A best friend betraying you with your spouse is super rare - people might think otherwise because of how much of that kind of thing you see on the internet, but remember situations like that gain traction because people love drama and they are also a very small minority of cheating stories as well. It's probably nothing, but don't be dumb either.
I believe so as well, this couldn’t be happening how it seems right? But man have they created the perfect recipe for reasonable doubt.
Of course the omission is suspicious. Why wouldn’t either of them mention in passing they were car sharing? If they didn’t mention then how did you find out?
I'd tell them both that he is your husband and she is your friend and the fact neither said anything is suspicious, and honestly, now you're uncomfortable them doing. My experience is that people only lie for one thing.
I read some of your post history. Please talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. Don’t file or anything just see what your options are. Your husband sounds very manipulative. You need to reconsider this whole situation.
Your gut is in knots bc if it was just one not mentioning, maybe, but both have avoided telling you. That's two red flags there. Ask her to lunch. Be calm. To the point. "Whats going on in your life lately? Anything you want to tell me?"
It's the keeping a secret from you and putting you on the outside. It sounds like he is gas lighting you as well to make you feel like the bad person. Have a good talk with your friend because if she's keeping secrets from you she's not a good friend.
It’s odd plus they both have cars and you must be sensing something
They didn't tell you because they didn't want you to know. What else hasn't they told you about and you had to find out on your own? I don't mean together, I mean what has he ever done and what has she ever done to make you feel this way you're feeling right now
Yes, it is most certainly shady. It’s called lying by omission. There is no reason why not one, but two people failed to mention this if it’s innocent. You can’t let it go because your intuition is telling you something is wrong. I did read your other post and it seems lying by omission is par for course with this man. The fact that he flipped on you as soon as you married should tell you everything. All the things you wrote are huge red flags. He is abusing you in more ways than one. Him having a good reputation with people means nothing. So many notorious figures that have committed horrific acts were known by their friends and community as good, helpful people. Have you heard of Chris Watts? You’re experiencing his mask slipping. They probably won’t see that side of him, but it’s hard to keep that up when you live with someone and married to them. Some can do that, but it’s a lot of effort. I also think his attitude towards your company and finances could potentially be dangerous to you. Be careful please. Looking from the outside it really sounds like the beginning of one of those true crime documentaries. Your best friend is also being shady. This is your quote “she’d see me walking outside but didn’t say anything to me because according to her I seemed busy.” Your best friend regularly sees you and says nothing? Think about how odd that is. None of it makes sense. Can I ask, does she pay rent for your house that she’s living in?
Please hire a good lawyer and divorce this man.
Your husband is abusive and you should be getting rid of him regardless, but it 💯 sounds like cheating, IMO. You’re so much better than this.
Why didn't your friend sat anything, especially if she is your "best" friend. Sounds sus to me. What did your "best" friend say about this?
I read your previous post. You're so young. Please salvage your dignity and business/finances by moving on from him and the friend.
Between this post and your other one, I would say that you should get out. There's just too much going on here. He's abusive and it's only going to get worse, and he will probably run up debt and hurt your business in the end. The sooner you get him gone, the better. I'm sorry.
Did you ask your husband and best friend WTF they are lying and deceiving you by omission? Ask your husband if it’s alright to hang out one on one with his best friend going to the store or bars in the same car without telling you? Get a VAR to monitor their conversations. I think you ghost your friend and consult a lawyer for divorce advice. Since your husband has been shady on his finances and income I think it best you divorce before he can claim any of your wealth. Also send your friend packing, she’s being just as shady.
They have a friendship from which you are deliberately excluded. They don't talk about any part of their time together. It's shady as F! Get a voice-activated recorder for the car. Hide it well. If you are responsible for paying his phone contract, check the bill. Or, wait until he's asleep and access his phone. Your spidey senses are tingling; don't ignore them. They could be having an EA, but it could be more.
Looking at your previous post, I’m wondering why you’re still with that guy. He sounds like a manipulative person
Me: "I'm being irrationally suspicious" Them: got to the point of kissing AT A MINIMUM before I found out and my world shifted. I can't advise the best way to approach this, but you NEED to address this.
NTA. OP, Trust your gut! Time to do some subtle snooping. Your hubby is acting sus!
is this a job in a workplace with other people around at the weekend? have you seen this extra money come in? does carpooling make sense given their home locations?
I can’t imagine not giving my wife a heads up any time I give a ride to anyone especially a female. I expect the same communication from her. This sounds very suspicious. I’m not saying you should keep your mouth shut and put a voice recorder in his car. I’m not saying that.
They didn't 'forget' to tell you about their carpooling. You can be sure of that.
I would be incredibly uncomfortable hearing of this if my partner was carpooling with my best friend without my knowledge with both of them having not mentioned it for that amount of time. You have every right to be suspicious about this, while I understand the convenience aspect of carpooling when they work at the same company - there is no justifiable excuse for the both of them keeping it from you and not bringing it up when it first started. The carpooling itself isn't the cause for the concern, it's the effort they've taken to keep it from you. There's no need to have kept it from you unless there's more going on.
I just feel suspicious. It's like these 2 people who you have a close relationship with couldn't come to you and tell you that they were carpooling? The thing is, you already knew they had the same shift, at he same job. That's one thing, but the fact they didn't anything about the rides is lying by omission. Then the question is, if they're lying about that.....What else could they be lying about, you know?
Your husband lied by omission. It's plain and simple.
Trust your gut! > I asked him why, he’s now upset and is saying he just won’t work then. Childish AF. And manipulative. If there is any distrust, his deflection and stonewalling, his behavior is just re-enforcing it. I think you should hire a PI to follow them.
If you feel uncomfortable about it, it’s worth investigating. You husbands reaction to being questioned is strange but I’d suggest dropping it/ action unbothered whilst quietly snooping further
If I were him, and found out that my significant other found out, I would be apologetic and reassure you and make any changes necessary. I also would never hide something like this behind my loved one’s back to begin with. That fact that he was immediately defensive, defending her instead of reassuring you, and hiding this for that matter, gives the impression that there is some underlying attraction and wanting to spend private time with one another doing who knows what. Trust your gut. See how he and/or she reacts if you ask either them to see their conversations on their phones. If they match up or it looks like things were deleted. Or just ask to see his phone. If he were innocent he wouldn’t try to stop you. He’d show you to reassure you. If he takes his time and then gives it to you trying delete stuff beforehand, and if he has an iPhone, I think there’s a way to restore/recover deleted texts from the last 30 days.
Definitely smells fishy and any excuse given and turning it back to you is called “ gaslighting “
Updateme!
UpdateMe!
Time to be tracking things.
Well I'm thinking she may be his work wife and he her work husband. I put a voice recorder in the car if you're feeling uneasy about them. Because they could be spending breaks and lunches together growing their bonds to more than friendships
It’s very hard not to suspect an affair. UpdateMe
Updateme
Yet another example showing that infidelity is defined by deception, concealment, and betrayal of trust more than by specific types of action.
Definitely sounds fishy and chances are if you think something's off then there probably is something going on.
Update us? Maybe you hire someone to check on them?
Are there other red flags? Would you like a list of red flags to see if he has too many? You should snoop his phone and put a var in his car for good measure. You need some peace of mind. The fact he jumped straight to quitting his job is soooo telling, like a huge overreaction. Updateme!
This isn’t a jealousy issue. This is a they lied by omission issue. You need answers because that’s shady af UPDATEME
If you can't get over it don't lie to your husband tell him and make him explain why they shared a car with thinking to mention it to you, or you carefully go about looking for evidence that he's cheating. Be ready for either finding it or if you find none and he finds out losing it completely and divorcing you. If was me I'd be a cheaters worst nightmare and stop being predictable. If you're able to turn up and meeting for lunch at random days of the week when he's working. It could also be your best friend either caught him with someone else at work and as such to save your marriage has got him on a short leash or just as likely nothing happened and they just didn't think you'd care if they car pooled. Might be worth sitting down the 3 of you and speaking like grown adults over this
stalk his messages queen
Listen to your gut. They’re being shady. Voice recorder in the car (use Velcro to secure it or it could slide out and they’d find it). Make up some excuse to show up during their shift and ask friend how she got to work as you didn’t see her car. See if she lies to you. If she tells you the truth ask why is that? Why is she catching rides with your husband and ask him why too and why they both kept it a secret. Put them on the spot. They will talk about it with each other in the car when he drops her off. Listen to what’s said on the recording.
Thinking if I were in your shoes also makes me feel weird because I feel especially if it’s one of MY friends and you only knew them through ME. You should let him know that you’re not uncomfortable by them doing so in itself, but them doing so without any communication makes you feel unsettled. Because if I were to do the same for one of my S.O’s friends, it would also be very weird not only for him but for me too. You should really just communicate how this is making you feel to him, and that something like that is something that definitely needs to be communicated. Maybe also relate it to yourself with if you met up regularly with one of his guy friends that you met through him, it would also be really weird to not say anything to him. But also like someone said, “voice recorder in the car,” I believe you should do this before confronting him about how you feel about it. So you can know what’s happening before you say something about it, and if it’s infidelity then sorting that out takes priority over you just communicating about feeling unsettled by these carpools.
Based on this and your other post, this man is not a man. He can't handle you making more money than him and he is probably cheating with your best friend because men like him need external validation. He knows he is a loser and takes it out on you.
OP i looked up your profile to see your last month post about his literal abuse. What's to give a damn about this man? I'm so sorry, you seem to be working hard but he sounds like a trash.
Why are you suspicious though? Is there any history?
Men don’t always get it, but women do. Your ex-BFF knows.
You know. My dad used to carpool with his friends before he got a new job. SOMETIMES ITS JUST TO HAVE SOMEONE ELSE THERE. He never told us who he was driving with because they are just getting to work and gossiping like old biddies.
Your first post about your husband makes me feel so much sadness for your situation, hun. He wants to tear you down because you're an independent woman who started a MEDICIAL business in LA, one of the most expensive places to live in the state, especially considering his previous paygrade. You gave him a job, and his attitude towards you just got worse. He's abusing you honey. You don't see his actions as abuse, because it's so normalized for you. It fucks with your mind when he's nice to everyone else except to you. I've been in such a relationship myself. It was hard to see the pain and heart ache that he caused me everyday as abusive while during the relationship(not a marriage), because of the love you have in your heart for him. That just means you have a heart of gold, and that's not a bad thing. He's taking advantage of the love you have for him and giving you none whatsoever. He tied you down via marriage and now he sees no point in giving anymore of his "love" to you. He doesn't deserve it, you're such a young entrepreneur and he wanted to wittle you and your business down to nothin. Next thing you know, he and your 'best friend' will probably try and find some way to rip it out from under you, but judging as you have such a good support system from your family, I doubt they'll get far. Between your last post, and this current post, if you guys still aren't having sex because of your feelings of disgust surrounding having sex with him, then I'm convinced he's getting it from your best friend during those "carpool" rides, especially since neither of them told you anything whatsoever and you had to overhear it to hide it, and he got so defensive of her? Yeah, those are all signs that he's getting his fuck he so desperately wants from her. You're just a bank account to him so he can be able to save up and inevitably leave you to be with the next woman. Speak to an attorney because they'll help you the most in this situation. Please be careful if you have a joint bank account, get everything sorted to protect yourself in case this shit hits the fan hard. Get the voice recorders in the car as so many people have suggested and sweep through the phone, messages, Social media Apps, deleted bin, etcetc and sending any evidence you have to your own devices and hire a PI aswell as that'll help strengthen your case. I wish you the best of luck OP. Sending love and hugs your way❤❤, I'm so, so sorry you're going through this.
If you're questioning it, something isn't right. If it was really innocent they would have said something.
You can put a recording device in the vehicle...you can also download a spyware like pctattletale on his phone and see his conversations and texts without him knowing Depends on what he does at the business is he in an office job..or labourer...if in an office you can set up a nanny cam so you can see if they are fooling around...for your own peace of mind..even have usb ports with cameras that you can set up in places ....plan it sneakingly
How far is the commute? 20- 30 minutes I don't see it. More than that, why not save a little money. Personally I hate carpooling. If they use you husband's car, put a VAR in it. Also I take it his best friend is a woman. "I really don’t want to be “that” person (irrationally suspicious), ... funny business but in a way I don’t trust anybody completely." Sounds like you are that person. You make no mention of any other bad behavior. Except not immediately answering a text. Just a thought here. Maybe he was actually working. And really. Are we now suspect if we don't drop what ever we are doing to answer one of God knows how many texts?
I dunno. Some people carpool for like … the environment and to save gas? Did they try to hide that they carpool? Because that would be weird. Carpooling on its own isn’t so important that I would give my spouse a heads up. You’ve said they’ve not done anything sus so I’m not sure 🤷🏻♀️ His response was a bit childish tho. Can we get more context for that conversation?
You’re already “that person”.