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Exactly.She is no longer your wife as soon as she physically attacked you. She is currently buying her AP time by staying married to you. Time to get moving.
Better for the OP to wait until his divorce is finalized. There's no telling what the OBS may do. You don't want the OBS going to the APs work and get the two fired. You want job loss to happen after divorce is finalized- otherwise spousal and child support could be messed up.
Sometimes you need to play the long game.
There is no “finalized” in a support sense in most states, ie:
“Child support and custody, as well as spousal support, can be modified when you can prove there’s been a significant change of circumstances since your divorce was final.”
That’s AZ, but applies to most states as well.
Think of it this way: daddy is a low wage earner who has to pay $100/mo for child support ( or spousal), then he hits the lottery for $100,000,000! Do you really believe that a judge will not alter the terms of support?
There’s a LOT of misinformation on this subgroup
You aren't talking like someone who has their own best interests at heart. So no amount of advice is going to help. Are you even protecting yourself financially? Or is she gonna open up a few more credit cards before you file for separation like you should have done the first day. And look up 180 method and gray rock. But it is literally the exact opposite of what you are doing.
Liars are never going to tell you the truth. You don’t have to convince her she’s cheating. Hell man she knows that.
Talk words get you nothing. only actions count.
Telling the AP wife as soon as soon as the divorce is over? Stop being a floor mat. Tell her now. Separate financials take back the financials of your business. Hire a forensic accountant. Depending on the state, she won’t get shit. Let the slut ruin her life but try and maintain as much of yours as possible.
Check with your lawyer before you do any of this. You want to make this as easy as possible, and going scorched earth without legal advice that it's safe to do so can make things very hard.
Yes don't jump the gun so fast get lawyer opinion first or as the OP said the best way is to get divorce first then tell the OBS and then go for the throat
honestly, me wanting to inform the other spouse is not at all about being vindictive toward my (still, for the moment...) wife. She should have gone about things different, she shoulda woulda coulda done a million things different. But she didn't. She is a flawed human. I am pissed, and sad and deeply insulted and hurt by what she did. But she is going to do a fine job of ruining her own life. She doesn't need any help from me. Besides telling the other spouse, I don't see what good it would do me to tell her job about it. Honestly, I don't know if they would even give a rats ass. The medical field is loaded with cheating scumbags, and I have to think they deal with this kinda shit regularly. I seriously doubt they would do much even if I did want to hurt her back. Which I did for a little while, but I don't think I need to do that. Maybe I will change my mind eventually, I really don't know. But I am definitely telling the other wife. Last night someone here made a comment about this and revealed that they had been that Other Betrayed Spouse, and she told me how much shittier it made the whole thing by nobody telling her about it. So I don't want that to happen, and I'm not going to let it go much longer before I will be in a position of not having to worry about repercussions because of it.
You are 1000 percent better person than I am and I respect you for it. I would go nuke if I were in your position. Good luck on your future endeavors brother I wish you all the best.
1st your not a chump. Your a loving husband who didnt think she would do this to you and the family after all this time. And no one would have thought she would have assaulted you. So lets get this strait, you absolutely get this recorded. If it was recent enough you have marks, get it recorded. Shes just shown you where her priorities lay, and they are not with you or the family. Shes protecting the AP.
Get on the phone to the C wife and inform her that hes cheating on her with your wife. Do this. Its not revenge, it is the right thing to do. Poor lady isnt going to see it coming and he will cary on with both, hes wrecked your life and he shouldnt get away with it.
As far as your concerned, get you backside to a lawyer as fast as you can. You have to ignore the emotion and the love you have for your wife and start looking at things logically. You need to listen to good, sound logical advice. I am not going to say get a divorce, although honestly. After the gaslighting and physical attack and her willingness to choose him over you with no remorce, its dead in the water.
Her assaulting you, you need this documented and fast. I guarentee you she will come at you while your wondering what the hell is going on. SO act facst and act decisisve and make sure you tell everyone exactly what went on. Dont sugar coat it to you kids. She will absolutely gaslight everyone and spin it that your the bad person here. Do not let that narrative get out there from her. Be honest and transparrent with everyone. Your not the chump, your the blindsided victim of a cheater. A violent oneat that. If you had hit her, think about what the ramifications of that would be? So treat her the same. Protect yourself. Not just your person, but your honor. Because how people percieve you will effect your mental wellbeing more than you know.
And go see a therapist.
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You loving her is meaningless. She doesn’t love you. You only need enough proof for yourself.
Right now you are choosing to be her chump. Right now you are living on hopium. She is using your weakness against you. Better wake up.
A voice activated Recorder (use Velcro and install under the seat) in her car or where she talks the most might tell you more.
See 3 of the best attorneys for consults in your area. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t have one lined up.
She unhappy because of her affair not the other way around.
Bud, you are the typical betrayed spouse wanting this to be your fault. Nope, she’s just your typical cheater. Nothing special.
Your big mistake was letting her attack you with no consequences. Call the police on her next time. Her actions are to protect and put her other man over you.
If he’s married you should inform his wife. Talking to him won’t get you a thing. He’s a lying cheater too.
Confronting earl just gave your wife a heads up. Shell take it deeper underground now.
Realize your marriage Iis over. Your wife ended it.
Id rather start over at 51 than 55 or 60. You need to get strong take control. You can waste 2-5 years in these things by kicking the can down the road or standing around flat footed doing nothing.
I know it's over. We both know it's over, and after almost 3 months, I am pretty sure I'm done with the worst of the sadness and grief part. I'm sure I will find myself sad and angry about it from time to time for a while. Maybe for the rest of my life. But trust me, there's no hopium. I ran out of that a while back. I know she doesn't love me like that anymore, although we have gotten a point now of acceptance and we have even fooled around a few times lately. That doesn't confuse either of us, though. Doesn't mean she has changed any part of her plan, and it doesn't mean I would even want to have her stay at this point. But in these last days of us sharing a home together we decided it would be kind of pointless to hate each other. It is what it is. She needs to go find out what it's like to be on her own. That's forcing me to also find out that same thing, which I will never be happy about, and I will never really trust her again or really be able to ever honestly and completely forgive her. After 34 years together, we both know that we had some incredible times and our love was 100% real for much of that time. But that is coming to an end. We would rather not make these last days harder than they need to be. It's going to be hard enough on me (on both of us, really) when she finally leaves. But I'm not going to let that define me. I'm going to try my best to use it as a launch pad for jump starting this last big part of my life. Call that whatever you want, but that's my plan. HOPIUM FREE ! lol
I’m sure you’ll get the let’s be friends. That’s for her not you. Definition of friend- loyal, honest, trustworthy,
If you can’t cut contact it’ll just keep you bound. You will never find someone right for you doing that.
A buddy of mine divorced at 40. Was scared to death. He called me a couple weeks later and said he didn’t have time to date them all. Wound up with his dream girl and married her.
Rip off the bandaid and stop wasting your time.
51 is the new young but you are on the cusp. Better get moving. Be careful to pick wisely and you will have your pick.
Why would you give her more than her fair share? Shes dumping you for another man. Not to mention stealing from and probably spending on her other man. wake up
Get an STD test you have no idea wheee or who else her boyfriend has been with. That’s where she’s put you. And you’re still having sex with her? She’s probably just manipulating you at this point.
You’re right that is being her chump.
So many excuses to stay, you'll find more when the time comes.... if you're in a no fault state then there is no reason to wait to tell the AP wife except you keeping your wife as happy as possible and that's sad
that's actually a pretty good point. thanks for putting it like that. see, it's smart things like this that make me like coming here for advice. you are totally right. but I'm trying to picture what the difference would be. like, if she has nowhere to go, she still pays half the bills (including the mortgage out of her paycheck, but I still pay more than her in total) so I can't really justify kicking her out, as much as I have wished I could (more than a few times) over the last 3 months. So we are pretty much stuck here until she can get her ass moved out. With 2 of our 3 kids. They are 16f and 20m, and they know everything, so there's no mystery. In fact, I will say that the relationship between my wife and our daughter has devolved into something very unhealthy. Not on purpose or by design by anyone, but just by default. She sees the way my wife has been treating me the last couple months during the worst of this thing, and she has seen me at my absolute lifetime lowest points now. I am pretty much positive that she's had to know WAY more about the whole thing than a 16 yr old kid should have had to know. She doesn't realize how toxic mom is acting, because she has no other reference point. and at the moment there's nothing I can say that will get through to my daughter without making things worse between us. She is like a mini-me of my pretty much friendless wife. So the kid becomes the default best buddy. They are inseparable and mom can do no wrong in her eyes right now, so I feel really stuck in that regard. But I also know that our daughter is a smart kid, and I know that eventually she will look back on this and realize what was happening. At that point I will forgive her and that's also when she will pretty much for sure be needing to talk to a therapist about this whole mess. Our 20yr old son is completely the opposite. He sees what's happening and feels really awful about it, has been as supportive as a son can be to me the whole time, and has been telling me since the very beginning of it all that I need to divorce her and end things. I wish I would have just listened to him 3 months ago instead of going through the first month or so of trying desperately to "fix" things (before I realized it was an impossible thing to fix by myself). So the dynamic with the kids is kind of tedious. I'm afraid if I went to the other cheaters wife about this before my wife is gone, if the other wife decided to go full nuke, I would end up getting pinned with even more resentment from my daughter. Once mom is gone and my daughter realizes mom isn't going to want her there in her new fuck pad with her all that much, it's going to be hard for my kid to deal with that, but I think that's probably when we will be able to start picking up some pieces and sorting out what really happened, and start some counseling for her. I am already in counseling, in fact I have another tele-health appointment tomorrow.
So upon that lengthy reflection, I think there's more going on here than me just trying to keep my wife happy by not telling the other wife just yet, although that is keeping things around here a little more peaceful for the first time in 3 months. So I guess we give something up for everything we gain in this life. I'm just trying to pick and choose the best I can.
>I think there's more going on here than me just trying to keep my wife happy by not telling the other wife just yet
No there isn't.
You already said
>I am pretty much positive that she's had to know WAY more about the whole thing than a 16 yr old kid should have had to know
>Our 20yr old son is completely the opposite. He sees what's happening and feels really awful about it, has been as supportive as a son can be to me the whole time, and has been telling me since the very beginning of it all that I need to divorce her and end things. I wish I would have just listened to him 3 months ago
You are LETTING your kids get involved. That's all.
Edit
Here's the painful facts. You're letting your wife get away with this, you are refusing to show how hurt you are to your kids and letting her control thw narrative, you are letting her protect the MAN SHE CHOSE....
I would have kicked her out got a second job and paid the bills for my kids even if I never saw them anymore.... the environment your daughter is in and the way your wife is SHOWING HER HOW TO TREAT MEN, is because you're allowing it.
I'd beg friends and family to move it, to get her out.
You need to file and quit letting her dictate anything. If she doesn’t own the house, kick her out, now! But you 100% need to stop being sad about this and start protecting yourself. She doesn’t think you will do
A damn thing and that’s why she is still there and doing what she wants. She sees you as someone she can walk all over. Time to flip the script.
Go see a lawyer, tomorrow. Get your finances separated and start protecting yourself. When your kids ask about anything, tell them the truth .
Updateme!
I completely identify with your pain. I have been in a marriage for 36 years that has been a farce. Yes I knew about it, and I simply stopped loving him. But he is (WAS) my best friend til I really self-evaluated and considered everything people told me on here on Reddit (thank you all btw for the kick to wake the fuck up).
He and I are done. I made him leave our home and he is living across town. We both have lawyers. The shit part of this is we live in one of the two or three states that still have a require one year separation period. The only contact we now have is about the dogs (sharing custody for now til we figure it out- two weeks on/off so I dont have to see him).
I am in the process of moving 4 hours away in early 2025. It’s going to be amicable as far as all equitable distributions. I must say that this has hit him hard because he never thought this would happen permanently. I actually am glad he’s miserable. He sure does text me and try to talk. Unless it’s about the dogs or our adult kids, I dont respond. He’ll eventually stop trying to communicate with me.
I lied to myself for so many years. I’ve come to realize that he wasn’t what would be considered a best friend. He doesn’t deserve me, my time, my presence in any capacity.
He’s a damaged person and I am done. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that anything will change. Nothing will ever change until you make the change.
Please allow yourself to go through the temporary discomfort and challenges that you will face, but you will have self respect and will love yourself more after all is said and done.
Good luck. Love your self enough to make that change. It took me too long.
Thanks for the reply.
Sounds like we could probably fill a swimming pool with our collective tears. lol Thing is, I know what I need to do, and I am going to do it. Every day it gets more clear and easier to think about. You don't just flip a switch after 34 years of loving someone, as you know. But yeah. I know it's over. It's going to be a lot different than she is imagining when she leaves, but at this point she knows this and doesn't care. She is bound and determined, and part of me is impressed at her resolve. I am just finally ready for her to get on with it already, because it's of course very difficult for me, and while she does feel bad about it, and when I first found out about it, between the anger and the sorrow I was going through she really was genuinely feeling bad about how it was impacting me. This was before we had that big fight and she declared that it was over and she was leaving. So since then, her "empathy tank" has pretty much run dry. I'm getting closer and closer to not being so sad about it all the time, and it's happening whether I like it or not.
I wish you the very best, and I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and what you have learned about it. Thank you again.
Please tell the wife.
In my scenario, the husband of the AP did NOT tell me after he found out. The AP and him started a divorce, and there I was, stupidly ignorant because my partner continued the affair and still didn't tell me. For months. I felt like SUCH an idiot when I found out.
I understand so much must have been going through the AP's husband's mind and emotions, but I do so wish he had told me when he found out so I wasn't played the fool for so much longer.
thank you for this. it helps me understand how important this is. I will not wait until the divorce is done. I will tell her. I appreciate you telling me your story, and I'm obviously very sorry for both of us. that really sucks that you had to go through that thing, with a big helping of feeling even worse for not knowing.
Thank you. There is no perfect time to learn your partner is cheating, as you now know. But trust that sooner is better than later, and now is better than soon.
It is right to inform OBS asap. Hopefully, OBS won't blow everything up because your wife can make things difficult in the divorce out of spite by exposing everything.
If it were me op here is how I would handle this. I would get his wife’s name and number and information online. I would setup a call time with her. I would make the call in front of your wife while talking to her. If she attacks you again. Call the police and press charges and have her removed from the home. I would also say, the kids are old enough, so I am telling them the truth.
Your wife is abusing you physically and mentally. Time to leave.
can't leave, it's my family home. we bought it from my folks, my Dad built it himself. my grandparents lived next door growing up, and now my Mom lives there. So my kids have had a grandma next door their whole life, just like myself and my sibs (it's been a very good thing that I am grateful for). So my old mom is 70 and not in the worlds greatest health, but she is getting by ok with whatever help we can offer. We have a big shared plot of land with gardens and lots of yard and trees to maintain, which she likes to do as much as she can. If I were to leave, it would be devastating for her, so see my soon to be ex wife end up with this place would probably literally kill her. I know it won't be forever, and I am going to get really sick of living here basically by myself pretty soon, but I don't have a lot of real choices with that, at least without destroying even more of what I hold dear. It really makes what my wife is doing even more despicable, when I say it out loud like that.
Wow, this is getting easier and easier for me to see her finally leave. You guys are great !
Then let me change my answer. Let her know you want a divorce. Setup cameras because she will likely beat you again. Call the police and have her arrested. Get a 30 day restraining order and 30 day eviction notice and have her given both. Put all her stuff in a storage unit, and move her out. File for divorce during this time, and then seek a longer restraining order for after this. You can get her out of the house, but you have to be willing to make it happen.
You don't understand. I'm a pretty big strong guy and she is not really able to beat me. It wasn't hard to keep her from hurting me and it was probably way more painful for her at that moment. It is what it is.
I get what you're saying tho. That kind of shit is never ok. This aggression will not stand, and all that. But at this point I just want to decide how we are going to split everything up. She is still secretly contacting and at least once has seen this loser in person, which I just found out today. While that sucks, it's also kind of good in the sense that she still has some fantasy of this idiot leaving his wife and his home to go be with her in her shitty hot little fuck shack apartment. So she will be more willing to be reasonable in the splitting of the stuff bcz she will just want to be done with it and will likely agree to whatever I propose if it's reasonable .
That may be flawed thinking. But who knows.
Yes then, just sit her down and say I want a divorce. Here is how things going to work. You will be amicable in this divorce or I will go to his wife with all the evidence I have. Then get up and walk away. If she attacks you, do what I said.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, OP. The pain must be unimaginable. But your wife checked out of your marriage a while ago. It’s time for you to check out, too. She is no longer the woman you married; she is a stranger to you now. You need to let her go. You can start by getting her out of the house asap, so you don’t have a daily reminder. And get into therapy to help with the trauma. Most importantly, you need to regain your self-respect. I can promise you she’s not worth it. Nobody is.
Document and report the physical abuse. You need it on record in event she decides to lie and says you are abusing her.
Don't wait. Tell the wife now. See what evidence the two of you can get and share. If she decides to divorce, talk to the lawyer about representing you both at a reduced rate.
Also, commit to each other that you will not report them to HR until after the divorce/s.
Updateme!
Why are you waiting until the divorce is final to tell the wife? This gives them more time to plot and plan to come up with more lies. She needs to know immediately. I would be livid if somebody kept this from me until after their divorce was final, how would you feel if she was on the other foot and she did not tell you until after she was divorced in a year or so?
Thanks for taking the time to send this. I didn't see it until now and it comes at a great time. It's encouraging and validating to me bcz a lot has happened since I posted my original story. We had a serious argument the other night that made the previous ones look tame. Her affair scumbag called her phone while we were in the car on the way to pick up our 16yr okd daughter who thought it was a good idea to sneak out with a 19 year old boy she barely knew to go to a party for the 4th like 2 1/2 hours away. Lied about it. We only found our when her best friends mom called to tell us her friend was not allowed to go. So we had to drive a LONG ways to get her. Now I have been expressing concern about our daughter's personality and habits starting to mimic her mother's. Reckless dishonest and frankly boy crazy. Like, way beyond normal. They are like best friends and my wife doesn't have anyone else to confide in, so I know for a fact that she has told her about the whole thing, glorifying her escapades. So when this happened I was beyond pissed. I was letting her know she couldn't keep involving Lily bcz she shouldn't need to be a party to all this shit. Then her AP calls while we're in the car talking about all this shitty business. So she was already in a defensive mindset (but she knew I was making valid points). So her phone is there ringing and she didn't want to answer, so I answered it (probably shouldn't have) and I said "this is Christina's husband, why the fuck are you calling my wife?!". Of course he hung up.
So she was embarrassed that happened. Then I couldn't help myself and started telling her why he was a scumbag and he would never leave his wife and his home to go live with her in a shitty little apartment and even if he did he would get sick of her pussy and eventually cheat on her if she didn't start cheating on him first. So she started getting insanely pissed and was saying the most brutal and vile shit to me. Obviously just pulling out all the stops to hurt me back. But the thing is she was finally being completely honest about the way she felt the whole time. So that was enough for me, and I finally felt the weight of Give A Fuck lift from me. I told her she had to go live at her mom's until she finds a place. Up until now I have been ridiculously tolerant and I realized how stupid that was.
So we got our daughter and everything was fine with that, except she was not acting mad or disappointed in her at all, which was intolerable to me. So I have a lot to figure out. But I'm in a better place, if that makes sense.
Hey man, first off - I feel your pain brother. I wouldn't call any of what you did pathetic. You're trying to do what your heart wants. You guys have been together forever and it's not something that you can easily just flip a switch to turn off.
The physical aspect of it is a no no. I unfortunately draw the line there even if you're a burly guy and she is dainty. That crap doesn't fly in my book. If it's still recent, I'd suggest to press charges if you have evidence. It may sting to do so, but... Well .. It's a way to get her away from you.
I was with my wife for 33 years and found out she was having a multi year affair. There’s really no coming back from that. It took me 6 months to regain mastery of my emotions and overcome the trickle truth and gaslighting to finally see who she really was. I was 55 when I finally freed myself from that person who didn’t really love me but had no remorse for using me as her provider and emotional crutch.
Think of it this way: you have wasted most of your life on this person who isn’t who you thought she was and will exert tremendous effort to make sure she gets whatever she wants and will do that by denying that same thing to you. It’s a hard thing to comprehend that your best friend is actually the worst enemy you will ever have. I imagine that you wouldn’t subject your worst enemy to wasting their entire life trying to make someone happy who quite literally doesn’t give two shits if you ever have the happiness that she’s willing to destroy you over. From what you said, it’s absolutely over and you can never trust her again. Get a referral to a good divorce attorney and do exactly what they say. Get out with minimal fuss as quickly as possible. You are on the clock to move on with your life since she’s already wasted most of it and you will NEVER get it back. Don’t succumb to the sunk cost fallacy.
Being single in your 50s as a man is not so bad if you have had any kind of career success and are even somewhat fit. Go to the gym. You will have success in dating but be very careful and don’t do the dating apps. There’s no blowback for being a horrible person on those things. It won’t be hard to find someone in your friend group that knows a good person. Probably way too early to go there, but having hope is important. You can also just decide to not bother dating and be happy alone. Chances are that you were actually unhappy a lot of the time and you will look back on this and be glad that you got out of it and can hold your head high knowing that you were an honorable person. She’s going to wallow in regret and despair because it’s never going to work out with the other cheater scumbag.
Bro, you have to realize that this marriage is over and done with keeping yourself in this situation is gonna cause you traumatic mental stress and eventually it’s going to cause you to snap and possibly go into such a deep depression that you won’t be able to be pulled out of it quite easily I know that you guys have had a lot of time together, but she is choosing to be with this guy over you, you either need to kick her out or be move out yourself. Make sure all your funds are separate file for divorce. Plan your exit strategy with your lawyer very well. Keep all the evidence you can, just be done with all this mentally and physically talk to you. I would’ve called law-enforcement on that but that’s your call that has been through similar is cause irreparable damage to yourself.
Telling the AP spouse could cause him to stop it and her to suction back to you. That’s what happened to me and it makes everything so much harder. I would still do it the same way again because they deserve to know, but leaving now is so much harder when they panic and try to stay out of “love” no fear.
You said everything and the opposite of everything to the point of almost justifying your wife's actions. You handled the discovery as naively as if you were a teenager. I hope you can now get out of this marriage in a decent manner and I hope you tell Ap's wife, she deserves to know.
I cant argue with that. I am not proud of the way I handled it, but if I knew then what I know now, it would have been a lot more dignified, I agree. Plus, I would be rich from the lottery winnings.
She is no longer the same woman who was with you for so long, she now takes pleasure or indifference towards your suffering .
Don't try to continue sleeping with someone who wants you harm.
The first thing you need to do is kick her out. She is using you and disrespecting you right to your face. She knows how much you're hurting and still doesn't care. She continues to cheat while living at home with no regards for you or your feelings. Put yourself first!! If she has a place lined up she can go stay with family or a friend until it's available. Stop allowing her to mess with your head and mental health. Stand up for yourself. If she wants to be with other men then fine, but don't let her do it comfortably in the home you raised your children in and had a loving family together. She needs a reality check, she made a choice now she has to leave and go live with the choice she made.
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Your wife is a text book cake eater.
Be sure to 100% set that Narrative with cooperation from your legal team when you see that checkered flag. And your kids will respect you and look to you as a role model if you are factual when you have those hard discussions that mom destroyed the marriage. Your ex partner has very serious and damaging character issues. From how well written you displayed your story, I am confident you will come out of this ok
It's okay and normal to struggle when such a shit happens after such a long marriage. And it's also okay that you can't accept that it's so easy for her to betray you, lie to you and leave you behind as if you meant nothing to her.
But that is the harsh truth that you need to accept. Your wife had many many options, including options to end your marriage in a way that would be respectful, doesn't expose you to STD's and would take care that you can meet afterwards without of so much negative feelings involved.
She didn't want that, she didn't even want the marriage to end. And that is something you need to understand. Only when she knew that you are aware of what is going on, only then did she start the talk about divorce. It was a reaction of her, not something she had planned. That gives you the most important of all informations. What is happening is not your fault.
She didn't start this affair because your marriage was bad or because you were a bad partner. No, she wanted to remain in this marriage because you are such a freakin awesome partner. She just thought that she deserves even more and loves it to cheat on you, the thrill and the rush that is involved. Her cheating only says something about her and her morals. You are perfect the way that you are.
The biggest problem that I have with your whole post is that you aren't making decisons, you are only reacting to what she does and want to talk to someone that lied to you so often that it is as normal for her as breathing.
Take back the control, you know all that you need to know. You gave her a chance and she is not interested. Now it's time to take back the control and to think of yourself. Meet with a lawyer, prepare the divorce papers and give them to her. Look for places to stay because you can't stand it to be near her and lied to every single day, that is not the presence you want to have around you day in and day out. Go to a doc and get tested for STD's, better safe than sorry.
Take back the control and show her and much more yourself that you allow no one to treat you like that. Don't let her make all the decisions, this is about you so start making decisions before she does them for you.
You are wonderful the way that you are, don't make it to your problem that she was no longer able to see that.
This is very kind of you to say, thank you. Yes, I understand what you're saying and you are 100% right. I made some updates in responses earlier and not sure if you saw those, but me leaving isn't a viable option. Otherwise I would have been gone a long time ago. But you are spot on with your point about her only talking about divorce after I called her out on what she was doing. Unfortunately, she had no real plan and it's taken a long time to get her shit together. It's been horrific at times, having her here. But I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that is kind of savoring the fact that she is realizing how good she has it right now and is terrified at the prospect of actually leaving, but she has run her mouth about it to everyone and her vanity will keep her from changing her mind. At this point, I am finally 100% NOT taking her back, even if she begged me. If you asked me that 2 months ago, different answer for sure. So in the end I think this is another example of things working out the way they needed to. Thank you again.
Yes, I saw a few of your replies and you can be proud of yourself for how you are dealing with all that. Everyone here knows that it isn't easy, hurts and can break you. But you are pushing through, that says a lot about you.
But in my opinion do you need to take it a step further. Start to live the single life at home with her already now. Stop talking to her unless it is about the kids or the divorce. She had a rough day at work? Talk to your friend or lover. Her laundry isn't done? Get it done you are only taking care of your own laundry. She asks what is planned for dinner? You got no idea what she has planned, you already had dinner. She plans to go out tonight? You shrug. You plan to go out? Be out, don't tell her beforehand.
You probably get what I mean. Give her a taste of what she can expect when you are no longer there.
May I ask what you told your kids? Are you planning to lie to your kids after you told them not to lie to people when you raised them or will you tell them that they should ask their mom? Have you told her that you will not lie to the kids?
Thanks for your supportive words. All of this stuff means a lot, as some of you here can probably relate.
Yes, I hear you about the single lifestyle. That's a great idea. But I'm going to be honest with you, and I know this is probably going to be considered a bad idea and people are going to berate me for it, but I think something I am realizing as I go through this thing. I have benefitted a lot from coming here and getting all the great feedback and advice from everyone, is that I am choosing my own way of navigating this thing. I am taking as much as I can of the wisdom people are sharing, and mixing it with what I feel like I need to do in order to end this long marriage in a way that I won't look back with nothing but resentment and anger. I realize there will be plenty of that. Heaps of it. Along with another swimming pool's worth of tears, probably. But I would like to also remember some of the better parts of it.
Of course you need to do what is best for you. The only right way through this whole shitshow is your way, the way that suits you best.
The only advice that really matters in this context is to make sure that she isn't using you, that you do what is best for you and/or the kids. Don't hold back with something that you want to do because of how she might react.
Take good care of yourself. That is what matters most.
Dude learn how to summarize and have some self-respect. You’re being all emotional and whiny, be a man, that’s probably why she’s leaving you. You played you, dump her.
Dude, nobody is forcing you to read my shit. Sorry if you don't like it. You are mistaking my honesty for emotion.
The way I have navigated through this mess has been the only way I knew how, which is to say I had no idea how to do it. While this is all new to me, from the information I have gathered and resources I have educated myself on about this vile shit, my reactions and the timing of them have been pretty much textbook predictable. Do I wish I had come here before this pain train slammed into my world ? Of course. Do I wish I had read Chump Lady before all this shit storm started raining down ? Obviously. But this is something that I never in a million fucking years would have imagined. So I did the best I could, and I am going to give myself a break on some if the stupid reactions I had.
I'm also going to stand by the fact that I have shared 2/3 of my 51 years on this planet with this woman. She has (until recently) been a damn good mother to my kids and we have a lot of incredible years, decades, of a great life that absolutely deserves to be celebrated. Did she go about this in an obscenely twisted and hurtful way ? Of course. Did she make the wrong decisions knowingly ? Absolutely. Did she set out to do this thing TO me ? Fuck no. She got too close with some loser she worked with and who she spent way more time with at her job than she did with me and our kids at home. She realized after 34 years of being with me and me only that she could have feelings for someone else. She fucked up by acting on those feelings and she absolutely loved the thrill of it all. Do I condone her selfish decisions ? Hell no. But am I going to agree with your idiotic statement that she's leaving me "because I'm not being a man" ? No. That's dumb and borderline troll-ish. I'm going to give myself some grace for reacting the way I did. When you spend this many years building something, pouring everything into it, there's no way it's going to be easy to just flip a switch like that. At least that's true for me. And honestly, in the end this is a journey you walk alone. You can get great advice from everyone under the sun, but in the end this is a dance you dance alone, and everyone is going to have their own way of handling it.
Don’t die in silence trying to face these all by your self reach out to crackprof and expert in these he will help provide permanent solutions to your situation he has helped so many people crackprof is his name on instagram
Her reactions show that she has high levels of Oxytocin for the OM. This means that they have had sex at least 6 times. Sorry OP but with you planning the long game is the best thing for you at this moment. While she is still in the limerence stage you will get the best deal out of the divorce settlement. But once divorce is completed then blow the thing up far and wide.
She will of course want to come back once the infatuations wear off. Oh Boy has she fucked her life up. OP hold the line and do what you have to do.
thanks cookie. That's interesting about the oxytocin thing. never heard that. 6 times, huh ? damn.
OK. good to know ! One thing I didn't mention was that this guy actually left the place of work and moved to a different job a long ways away. Now, I know that they still tried to make time to get together, but I also know that it really didn't end up working out. She is still in that limerence phase with him to a degree, but he has made it clear to her that he isn't leaving his wife and his home over it. So that made my cheating whore wife VERY sad for a while. But since then I am pretty sure she has started looking for her next target. Like I said, she is now fully addicted to the thrill of being sneaky and fucking around, but I don't know how exciting it's going to be once she is by herself in a small apartment, probably with no air conditioning, and realizing that her pussy isn't actually made of gold, and she is actually just a slightly above average looking 48 year old mother of 3. I think she fully believes that men are going to be lining up to leave their wives and girlfriends and destroy their homes just for a chance to serve at her not-as-pretty-as-she-thinks feet. She is cute, but there are a LOT of cute girls out there who don't live in shitty little apartments and have actual life skills besides smoking as much post as she possibly can each and every day.
You make some very important observations.
The OM dumped her and she got all morbid. Happened to me just before Covid lock down. I went through hell as she pined for her OM (20 years her junior). One thing is for sure in your case, is that, as they had consummated their relationship, they will be physical again due to their close familiarity. So don't think she will ever be monogamous again. Now that OM is out of the picture, other guys will try and get a bit of side action.
She is looking for a replacement for the one that got away for now but give a few more months and her feeling will subside. Unfortunately, you will never forget this and should you stay, you will begin to despise her for betraying your relationship. Just an aside, in Dante's inferno the ninth ring is treachery and that is where Satan resides. So, your options are to either stay and reconcile and end up hating her or leave and get the feeling of indifference to her. The latter option will give a more stable outcome for your mental health and for the relationship you have with your family.
One thing for sure is that she will be very lonely once she comes to the realization that the Chads of the world are only interested in one thing. This realization will only dawn on her when she has been completely used. For her to then get into a decent relationship will be impossible. Also imporatant is the fact that relationships at this stage of life are not only determined by the affection that you have for your partner but also by the interaction you have with your partners children. Again the later is more of a deal breaker in most relationships.
You on the other hand could very easily get a 38y high value partner. I speak from experience as at 66y now I have a plethora of 50y hitting on me with one as young as 30 and a few 38year olds. I've only been divorced for coming up two years now. In most of these women and in particular the 50year olds, all they have to offer in the relationship is a 50year old vagina. So sad. I'm lucky in that I have found a great 60y partner with a great family with my values and things look good. For you it will get better.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this OP. 😢
Please take care of yourself and your kids. I’m sure they were shocked that their parent’s relationship has imploded.
Sending you huge hugs 🫂 and peace to get you through this time…
SubscribeMe!
After the divorce, tell her boss about their affair, as well as AP's wife and her family. Sit the kids down and tell them all what she has done before she starts spinning the narrative and making you out to be the bad guy.
Sorry you're going through this. My advice is to burn that MF's house down. Tell his wife now, provide her with all the evidence and watch his world crumble, stand back with a glass of whiskey and a nice cigar and watch the fireworks.
I bet when that happens he will drop your wife quicker than she dropped her knickers for him.
LOL
this is hilarious, thank you. laughter is so important. yeah, I am curious to see how things will play out when I tell the wife. part of me thinks my wife might be able to get this guy to come and stay with her, but I have seen this guys house and it's relatively nice for a cheating scumbag. I think my wife is overestimating the power of her charms, but who knows? Maybe it's true love, and if that's the case, they deserve each other.
You should see this dude. He is an ugly little bald guy. I would love to see what happens after she gets to spend some actual time with him, wrinkles and all. He is way older than her, and her only real perspective she has is him at work doing building maintenance stuff that she asked him to do, which is kind of like the "highlight reel" of a guys life. Once she sees the rest of the film, I don't see her being very content with that for too long, but who the hell knows. maybe I'm wrong. honestly, I am finally at a point of honestly being fresh out of shits to give about it. although you are right, that is going to be perversely fun to watch.
Oh I can imagine that he looks like hoggle from the film labyrinth. Most of the time it is the wife that has the money and owns the house, etc. he's probably just an employee of her company.
It's a big difference between having an affair and living with someone. That's when all his charm and the facade drops. He probably has to use Viagra to get it up.
She could have used this time after the kids are grown, to reconnect with you.
Instead she goes after men who are not up to par with you.
Sounds familiar... re-examine your life for times she was behaving strangely and maybe get those DNA tests.
Welcome to the club.
It really sucks being here.
yikes. ok, you're probably right. Although I honestly don't know how much more I can handle right this minute. but yes, eventually that's something I will probably end up feeling the need to do, I have a feeling. good advice, thank you.
You are making excuses for her and you probably have been since you have known her.
Lots of people have bad shit happen to them, and they do not cheat.
You really need to stop all of the "Nice Guy" stuff. You need to read the book, No more Mr nice guy. You are never too old to learn.
And you should tell his wife today with proof. It is an immoral for her not to know. It will not impact your divorce, no matter what your lawyer says, it is the right thing to do.
Again, this is some type of "Nice Guy", codependent, avoidant behavior on your part. You simply have to get out of the excuse making, co-dependent frame of mind. And you dont have to see her all the time. You have separate events when you can.
I bet you have not told your children yet to "protect her", right? If you told them did you tell them the truth? I bet not. I hope I am wrong.
You write about being a chump, you know it is wrong and you are still doing it. I mean, what will it take for you to get mad and get this crap over with.
I am not trying to be mean, but I hate to see someone go through self imposed hell when you don't have to.
Oh, I'm mad. believe me. This stuff you are saying is all true, and no arguments from me. The more I read here, the more I am leaning toward telling the wife right away. If it seems like I'm making excuses for her, I really am not trying to do that. I know that what she did was abominable and unforgiveable, and the kids already know about it. Sadly, the 16 year old has become like a best friend to my (basically) friendless wife. So she probably knows more about this than I do. All the crazy madman shit I have done, the reaction of my fucked up wife ended up being the reaction of our very impressionable daughter. At this point, anything I try to say to her (the kid) is going to be judged the exact same way it would if I was talking to my cheater wife. Our son is smarter and sees things for what they are, and he is not very happy about the way this whole thing went down. But as for our daughter, I am looking forward to the dust settling enough for her to be able to get some clarity and probably some therapy at some point. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen until the wife is gone and our daughter finds out that mama doesn't necessarily want her to be there with her all the time. That's going to be hard on my kid, and that's going to really get me even more pissed, but I am pretty sure that's how this is going to go. Add it to the list of shit that sucks right now. But honestly, I know it's over and I know there's no going back. Between now and when she leaves, I just think the kids have heard enough anger and anguish from the 2 of us for the moment. I don't see how going full captain asshole is going to improve anything. Maybe that's dumb, but I just think we all need a break from the battle, and the end is right there in front of me. Once she leaves, there's no take backs and she knows that. She got pissed when I told her she needed to get all of her J Crew shit out of here when she leaves. I certainly am not going to be having to look at that sad reminder of where my money went every day. When I say it's closer to $50k than $10k in clothes, I'm probably undershooting it. Mostly all J Crew, hundreds of pieces of clothing, nice coats (like, dozens) probably 50 pairs of shoes and boots, sweaters, you name it. Piled to the ceiling on top of all the dressers and every closet jammed full, plus another room full of boxed up stuff. Full on hoarder shit, and that stuff is not cheap. She is trying to sell some of it on Poshmark but it's ridiculous. It would take literally years to sell even half of it. She is going to have to rent a storage unit, and not a small one. It's tragic, how much money she spent, and it will get me physically ill if I dwell on that. That's something she feels genuine remorse about, because right now she REALLY needs money, but she already spent it all. Yeah, I'm fully pissed off angry, but I'm done punching walls and kicking shit. It doesn't help for more than about 2 seconds and it's not worth it.
OK, breath. Here are some points to help you.
1) Your kids will learn, that will understand in the long run. My kids abandoned be in a way when their mother moved out of the house on her own. I just let it be for a while and they came back to me when they understood what their mother had done to me... And it was more than just infidelity. So Breath.
2) No one said you had to be captain asshole, what I and others are saying is this: You have NGS, Nice guy syndrome, or KISA, Knight is shinning armor syndrome the are about the same thing. I think it stems from our codependence but it does not really matter. Here is the deal, Nice Guys Get Screwed Over most of the time. Or, Nice guys finish last almost always, and absolutely in infidelity.
You don't have to be mean, just tell her to GTFO and leave. You FILE FOR DIVORCE. You stop talking to her except about the kids and the divorce. Stand up for yourself. Find your balls, and learn to stop being codependent. Stop lighting yourself on fire for other people. It is not noble, it is not the right thing to do, it is stupid.
3) Get over her pissing off that much money, you cannot change that. It happened, just like her screwing other people happened. The emotional energy that you are using for that one aspect is energy you should use to divorce her and move on with your life. You cannot change how much she has fucked you over, but you can get her out of your life and move on to live your life.
And lastly, not being a nice guy is not the same as being an asshole. It is being a strong, confident, NON CODEPENDENT, man that has boundaries that are healthy and sticks by them. If you keep strong boundaries like, no cheating, life sucking whores allowed, if somebody has an issue, that is a them problem not a you problem.
Once I stopped the Nice Guy, codependent life style, life got so much better. It is hard to describe. Get strong, stay strong. You have filed for divorce, Right?
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Have you secured an attorney? This is the most important thing.
Have you cut all your finances off from her? The second most important thing. All joint credit cards need to be paid off and cancelled. Don't think about it. DO IT. Cancel your phone plan and open one in your name only. If you have internet service, password protect it and do not give her the code. Start demanding she pay half the bills for living expenses.
Get cameras and voice recorders installed throughout the house. Or she may decide to accuse you of doing something you won't be able to defend yourself from. And don't be naive' enough to believe she wouldn't do that.
And the next time she touches you, call the police. Don't be a chump. She wouldn't hesitate for a moment to bang you if you did what she did to you.
You should have filed a police report on the attack, and got a restraining order. See the lawyer, and get the ball rolling on a divorce. There is no reason to show her any empathy. And stop trying to live in the past. Any slack you give her now, she will use to hang you.
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Have you told the AP’s wife? If not do it! Do it now!
Exactly.She is no longer your wife as soon as she physically attacked you. She is currently buying her AP time by staying married to you. Time to get moving.
Better for the OP to wait until his divorce is finalized. There's no telling what the OBS may do. You don't want the OBS going to the APs work and get the two fired. You want job loss to happen after divorce is finalized- otherwise spousal and child support could be messed up. Sometimes you need to play the long game.
100% this. Deal with it coldly and logically. Don’t worry about revenge. Just get out of there as cleanly as possible and save yourself.
Agree. It might impact his settlement. What’s a month or two anyway? Updateme
There is no “finalized” in a support sense in most states, ie: “Child support and custody, as well as spousal support, can be modified when you can prove there’s been a significant change of circumstances since your divorce was final.” That’s AZ, but applies to most states as well. Think of it this way: daddy is a low wage earner who has to pay $100/mo for child support ( or spousal), then he hits the lottery for $100,000,000! Do you really believe that a judge will not alter the terms of support? There’s a LOT of misinformation on this subgroup
Finalized in my books is grants the divorce decree. I'm in Canada so our divorce laws are slightly different than the US.
👍 Oh, and congratulations on finally bringing the Stanley Cup back to where it belongs! Oops, sorry about that!
Sadly, I gave up following hockey in the 90s when they went on strike. I've decided to follow an even worse MLB team.
This. In addition to it, OP needs to tell their kids and families so that she is not able to paint OP as the bad guy.
You aren't talking like someone who has their own best interests at heart. So no amount of advice is going to help. Are you even protecting yourself financially? Or is she gonna open up a few more credit cards before you file for separation like you should have done the first day. And look up 180 method and gray rock. But it is literally the exact opposite of what you are doing.
At least freeze your credit with the major agencies so she can’t open a new card
Tell his wife now.
Liars are never going to tell you the truth. You don’t have to convince her she’s cheating. Hell man she knows that. Talk words get you nothing. only actions count.
Telling the AP wife as soon as soon as the divorce is over? Stop being a floor mat. Tell her now. Separate financials take back the financials of your business. Hire a forensic accountant. Depending on the state, she won’t get shit. Let the slut ruin her life but try and maintain as much of yours as possible.
Check with your lawyer before you do any of this. You want to make this as easy as possible, and going scorched earth without legal advice that it's safe to do so can make things very hard.
Yes don't jump the gun so fast get lawyer opinion first or as the OP said the best way is to get divorce first then tell the OBS and then go for the throat
honestly, me wanting to inform the other spouse is not at all about being vindictive toward my (still, for the moment...) wife. She should have gone about things different, she shoulda woulda coulda done a million things different. But she didn't. She is a flawed human. I am pissed, and sad and deeply insulted and hurt by what she did. But she is going to do a fine job of ruining her own life. She doesn't need any help from me. Besides telling the other spouse, I don't see what good it would do me to tell her job about it. Honestly, I don't know if they would even give a rats ass. The medical field is loaded with cheating scumbags, and I have to think they deal with this kinda shit regularly. I seriously doubt they would do much even if I did want to hurt her back. Which I did for a little while, but I don't think I need to do that. Maybe I will change my mind eventually, I really don't know. But I am definitely telling the other wife. Last night someone here made a comment about this and revealed that they had been that Other Betrayed Spouse, and she told me how much shittier it made the whole thing by nobody telling her about it. So I don't want that to happen, and I'm not going to let it go much longer before I will be in a position of not having to worry about repercussions because of it.
You are 1000 percent better person than I am and I respect you for it. I would go nuke if I were in your position. Good luck on your future endeavors brother I wish you all the best.
1st your not a chump. Your a loving husband who didnt think she would do this to you and the family after all this time. And no one would have thought she would have assaulted you. So lets get this strait, you absolutely get this recorded. If it was recent enough you have marks, get it recorded. Shes just shown you where her priorities lay, and they are not with you or the family. Shes protecting the AP. Get on the phone to the C wife and inform her that hes cheating on her with your wife. Do this. Its not revenge, it is the right thing to do. Poor lady isnt going to see it coming and he will cary on with both, hes wrecked your life and he shouldnt get away with it. As far as your concerned, get you backside to a lawyer as fast as you can. You have to ignore the emotion and the love you have for your wife and start looking at things logically. You need to listen to good, sound logical advice. I am not going to say get a divorce, although honestly. After the gaslighting and physical attack and her willingness to choose him over you with no remorce, its dead in the water. Her assaulting you, you need this documented and fast. I guarentee you she will come at you while your wondering what the hell is going on. SO act facst and act decisisve and make sure you tell everyone exactly what went on. Dont sugar coat it to you kids. She will absolutely gaslight everyone and spin it that your the bad person here. Do not let that narrative get out there from her. Be honest and transparrent with everyone. Your not the chump, your the blindsided victim of a cheater. A violent oneat that. If you had hit her, think about what the ramifications of that would be? So treat her the same. Protect yourself. Not just your person, but your honor. Because how people percieve you will effect your mental wellbeing more than you know. And go see a therapist.
This 100%
Best advice
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You loving her is meaningless. She doesn’t love you. You only need enough proof for yourself. Right now you are choosing to be her chump. Right now you are living on hopium. She is using your weakness against you. Better wake up. A voice activated Recorder (use Velcro and install under the seat) in her car or where she talks the most might tell you more. See 3 of the best attorneys for consults in your area. Don’t be surprised if she doesn’t have one lined up. She unhappy because of her affair not the other way around. Bud, you are the typical betrayed spouse wanting this to be your fault. Nope, she’s just your typical cheater. Nothing special. Your big mistake was letting her attack you with no consequences. Call the police on her next time. Her actions are to protect and put her other man over you. If he’s married you should inform his wife. Talking to him won’t get you a thing. He’s a lying cheater too. Confronting earl just gave your wife a heads up. Shell take it deeper underground now. Realize your marriage Iis over. Your wife ended it. Id rather start over at 51 than 55 or 60. You need to get strong take control. You can waste 2-5 years in these things by kicking the can down the road or standing around flat footed doing nothing.
I know it's over. We both know it's over, and after almost 3 months, I am pretty sure I'm done with the worst of the sadness and grief part. I'm sure I will find myself sad and angry about it from time to time for a while. Maybe for the rest of my life. But trust me, there's no hopium. I ran out of that a while back. I know she doesn't love me like that anymore, although we have gotten a point now of acceptance and we have even fooled around a few times lately. That doesn't confuse either of us, though. Doesn't mean she has changed any part of her plan, and it doesn't mean I would even want to have her stay at this point. But in these last days of us sharing a home together we decided it would be kind of pointless to hate each other. It is what it is. She needs to go find out what it's like to be on her own. That's forcing me to also find out that same thing, which I will never be happy about, and I will never really trust her again or really be able to ever honestly and completely forgive her. After 34 years together, we both know that we had some incredible times and our love was 100% real for much of that time. But that is coming to an end. We would rather not make these last days harder than they need to be. It's going to be hard enough on me (on both of us, really) when she finally leaves. But I'm not going to let that define me. I'm going to try my best to use it as a launch pad for jump starting this last big part of my life. Call that whatever you want, but that's my plan. HOPIUM FREE ! lol
I’m sure you’ll get the let’s be friends. That’s for her not you. Definition of friend- loyal, honest, trustworthy, If you can’t cut contact it’ll just keep you bound. You will never find someone right for you doing that. A buddy of mine divorced at 40. Was scared to death. He called me a couple weeks later and said he didn’t have time to date them all. Wound up with his dream girl and married her. Rip off the bandaid and stop wasting your time. 51 is the new young but you are on the cusp. Better get moving. Be careful to pick wisely and you will have your pick.
Divorce is a business decision. Being a Mr Nice Guy can get you killed in these situations. Finances matter.
She cheats and discards you after 34 years. You don’t have to hate her but you don’t have to like her either. This is very shitty on her part.
Why would you give her more than her fair share? Shes dumping you for another man. Not to mention stealing from and probably spending on her other man. wake up Get an STD test you have no idea wheee or who else her boyfriend has been with. That’s where she’s put you. And you’re still having sex with her? She’s probably just manipulating you at this point. You’re right that is being her chump.
So many excuses to stay, you'll find more when the time comes.... if you're in a no fault state then there is no reason to wait to tell the AP wife except you keeping your wife as happy as possible and that's sad
that's actually a pretty good point. thanks for putting it like that. see, it's smart things like this that make me like coming here for advice. you are totally right. but I'm trying to picture what the difference would be. like, if she has nowhere to go, she still pays half the bills (including the mortgage out of her paycheck, but I still pay more than her in total) so I can't really justify kicking her out, as much as I have wished I could (more than a few times) over the last 3 months. So we are pretty much stuck here until she can get her ass moved out. With 2 of our 3 kids. They are 16f and 20m, and they know everything, so there's no mystery. In fact, I will say that the relationship between my wife and our daughter has devolved into something very unhealthy. Not on purpose or by design by anyone, but just by default. She sees the way my wife has been treating me the last couple months during the worst of this thing, and she has seen me at my absolute lifetime lowest points now. I am pretty much positive that she's had to know WAY more about the whole thing than a 16 yr old kid should have had to know. She doesn't realize how toxic mom is acting, because she has no other reference point. and at the moment there's nothing I can say that will get through to my daughter without making things worse between us. She is like a mini-me of my pretty much friendless wife. So the kid becomes the default best buddy. They are inseparable and mom can do no wrong in her eyes right now, so I feel really stuck in that regard. But I also know that our daughter is a smart kid, and I know that eventually she will look back on this and realize what was happening. At that point I will forgive her and that's also when she will pretty much for sure be needing to talk to a therapist about this whole mess. Our 20yr old son is completely the opposite. He sees what's happening and feels really awful about it, has been as supportive as a son can be to me the whole time, and has been telling me since the very beginning of it all that I need to divorce her and end things. I wish I would have just listened to him 3 months ago instead of going through the first month or so of trying desperately to "fix" things (before I realized it was an impossible thing to fix by myself). So the dynamic with the kids is kind of tedious. I'm afraid if I went to the other cheaters wife about this before my wife is gone, if the other wife decided to go full nuke, I would end up getting pinned with even more resentment from my daughter. Once mom is gone and my daughter realizes mom isn't going to want her there in her new fuck pad with her all that much, it's going to be hard for my kid to deal with that, but I think that's probably when we will be able to start picking up some pieces and sorting out what really happened, and start some counseling for her. I am already in counseling, in fact I have another tele-health appointment tomorrow. So upon that lengthy reflection, I think there's more going on here than me just trying to keep my wife happy by not telling the other wife just yet, although that is keeping things around here a little more peaceful for the first time in 3 months. So I guess we give something up for everything we gain in this life. I'm just trying to pick and choose the best I can.
>I think there's more going on here than me just trying to keep my wife happy by not telling the other wife just yet No there isn't. You already said >I am pretty much positive that she's had to know WAY more about the whole thing than a 16 yr old kid should have had to know >Our 20yr old son is completely the opposite. He sees what's happening and feels really awful about it, has been as supportive as a son can be to me the whole time, and has been telling me since the very beginning of it all that I need to divorce her and end things. I wish I would have just listened to him 3 months ago You are LETTING your kids get involved. That's all. Edit Here's the painful facts. You're letting your wife get away with this, you are refusing to show how hurt you are to your kids and letting her control thw narrative, you are letting her protect the MAN SHE CHOSE.... I would have kicked her out got a second job and paid the bills for my kids even if I never saw them anymore.... the environment your daughter is in and the way your wife is SHOWING HER HOW TO TREAT MEN, is because you're allowing it. I'd beg friends and family to move it, to get her out.
You need to file and quit letting her dictate anything. If she doesn’t own the house, kick her out, now! But you 100% need to stop being sad about this and start protecting yourself. She doesn’t think you will do A damn thing and that’s why she is still there and doing what she wants. She sees you as someone she can walk all over. Time to flip the script. Go see a lawyer, tomorrow. Get your finances separated and start protecting yourself. When your kids ask about anything, tell them the truth . Updateme!
I completely identify with your pain. I have been in a marriage for 36 years that has been a farce. Yes I knew about it, and I simply stopped loving him. But he is (WAS) my best friend til I really self-evaluated and considered everything people told me on here on Reddit (thank you all btw for the kick to wake the fuck up). He and I are done. I made him leave our home and he is living across town. We both have lawyers. The shit part of this is we live in one of the two or three states that still have a require one year separation period. The only contact we now have is about the dogs (sharing custody for now til we figure it out- two weeks on/off so I dont have to see him). I am in the process of moving 4 hours away in early 2025. It’s going to be amicable as far as all equitable distributions. I must say that this has hit him hard because he never thought this would happen permanently. I actually am glad he’s miserable. He sure does text me and try to talk. Unless it’s about the dogs or our adult kids, I dont respond. He’ll eventually stop trying to communicate with me. I lied to myself for so many years. I’ve come to realize that he wasn’t what would be considered a best friend. He doesn’t deserve me, my time, my presence in any capacity. He’s a damaged person and I am done. Please do not fool yourself into thinking that anything will change. Nothing will ever change until you make the change. Please allow yourself to go through the temporary discomfort and challenges that you will face, but you will have self respect and will love yourself more after all is said and done. Good luck. Love your self enough to make that change. It took me too long.
Thanks for the reply. Sounds like we could probably fill a swimming pool with our collective tears. lol Thing is, I know what I need to do, and I am going to do it. Every day it gets more clear and easier to think about. You don't just flip a switch after 34 years of loving someone, as you know. But yeah. I know it's over. It's going to be a lot different than she is imagining when she leaves, but at this point she knows this and doesn't care. She is bound and determined, and part of me is impressed at her resolve. I am just finally ready for her to get on with it already, because it's of course very difficult for me, and while she does feel bad about it, and when I first found out about it, between the anger and the sorrow I was going through she really was genuinely feeling bad about how it was impacting me. This was before we had that big fight and she declared that it was over and she was leaving. So since then, her "empathy tank" has pretty much run dry. I'm getting closer and closer to not being so sad about it all the time, and it's happening whether I like it or not. I wish you the very best, and I really do appreciate you taking the time to share your experience and what you have learned about it. Thank you again.
Please tell the wife. In my scenario, the husband of the AP did NOT tell me after he found out. The AP and him started a divorce, and there I was, stupidly ignorant because my partner continued the affair and still didn't tell me. For months. I felt like SUCH an idiot when I found out. I understand so much must have been going through the AP's husband's mind and emotions, but I do so wish he had told me when he found out so I wasn't played the fool for so much longer.
thank you for this. it helps me understand how important this is. I will not wait until the divorce is done. I will tell her. I appreciate you telling me your story, and I'm obviously very sorry for both of us. that really sucks that you had to go through that thing, with a big helping of feeling even worse for not knowing.
Thank you. There is no perfect time to learn your partner is cheating, as you now know. But trust that sooner is better than later, and now is better than soon.
It is right to inform OBS asap. Hopefully, OBS won't blow everything up because your wife can make things difficult in the divorce out of spite by exposing everything.
If it were me op here is how I would handle this. I would get his wife’s name and number and information online. I would setup a call time with her. I would make the call in front of your wife while talking to her. If she attacks you again. Call the police and press charges and have her removed from the home. I would also say, the kids are old enough, so I am telling them the truth. Your wife is abusing you physically and mentally. Time to leave.
can't leave, it's my family home. we bought it from my folks, my Dad built it himself. my grandparents lived next door growing up, and now my Mom lives there. So my kids have had a grandma next door their whole life, just like myself and my sibs (it's been a very good thing that I am grateful for). So my old mom is 70 and not in the worlds greatest health, but she is getting by ok with whatever help we can offer. We have a big shared plot of land with gardens and lots of yard and trees to maintain, which she likes to do as much as she can. If I were to leave, it would be devastating for her, so see my soon to be ex wife end up with this place would probably literally kill her. I know it won't be forever, and I am going to get really sick of living here basically by myself pretty soon, but I don't have a lot of real choices with that, at least without destroying even more of what I hold dear. It really makes what my wife is doing even more despicable, when I say it out loud like that. Wow, this is getting easier and easier for me to see her finally leave. You guys are great !
Then let me change my answer. Let her know you want a divorce. Setup cameras because she will likely beat you again. Call the police and have her arrested. Get a 30 day restraining order and 30 day eviction notice and have her given both. Put all her stuff in a storage unit, and move her out. File for divorce during this time, and then seek a longer restraining order for after this. You can get her out of the house, but you have to be willing to make it happen.
You don't understand. I'm a pretty big strong guy and she is not really able to beat me. It wasn't hard to keep her from hurting me and it was probably way more painful for her at that moment. It is what it is. I get what you're saying tho. That kind of shit is never ok. This aggression will not stand, and all that. But at this point I just want to decide how we are going to split everything up. She is still secretly contacting and at least once has seen this loser in person, which I just found out today. While that sucks, it's also kind of good in the sense that she still has some fantasy of this idiot leaving his wife and his home to go be with her in her shitty hot little fuck shack apartment. So she will be more willing to be reasonable in the splitting of the stuff bcz she will just want to be done with it and will likely agree to whatever I propose if it's reasonable . That may be flawed thinking. But who knows.
Yes then, just sit her down and say I want a divorce. Here is how things going to work. You will be amicable in this divorce or I will go to his wife with all the evidence I have. Then get up and walk away. If she attacks you, do what I said.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this, OP. The pain must be unimaginable. But your wife checked out of your marriage a while ago. It’s time for you to check out, too. She is no longer the woman you married; she is a stranger to you now. You need to let her go. You can start by getting her out of the house asap, so you don’t have a daily reminder. And get into therapy to help with the trauma. Most importantly, you need to regain your self-respect. I can promise you she’s not worth it. Nobody is.
Document and report the physical abuse. You need it on record in event she decides to lie and says you are abusing her. Don't wait. Tell the wife now. See what evidence the two of you can get and share. If she decides to divorce, talk to the lawyer about representing you both at a reduced rate. Also, commit to each other that you will not report them to HR until after the divorce/s. Updateme!
Why are you waiting until the divorce is final to tell the wife? This gives them more time to plot and plan to come up with more lies. She needs to know immediately. I would be livid if somebody kept this from me until after their divorce was final, how would you feel if she was on the other foot and she did not tell you until after she was divorced in a year or so?
Thanks for taking the time to send this. I didn't see it until now and it comes at a great time. It's encouraging and validating to me bcz a lot has happened since I posted my original story. We had a serious argument the other night that made the previous ones look tame. Her affair scumbag called her phone while we were in the car on the way to pick up our 16yr okd daughter who thought it was a good idea to sneak out with a 19 year old boy she barely knew to go to a party for the 4th like 2 1/2 hours away. Lied about it. We only found our when her best friends mom called to tell us her friend was not allowed to go. So we had to drive a LONG ways to get her. Now I have been expressing concern about our daughter's personality and habits starting to mimic her mother's. Reckless dishonest and frankly boy crazy. Like, way beyond normal. They are like best friends and my wife doesn't have anyone else to confide in, so I know for a fact that she has told her about the whole thing, glorifying her escapades. So when this happened I was beyond pissed. I was letting her know she couldn't keep involving Lily bcz she shouldn't need to be a party to all this shit. Then her AP calls while we're in the car talking about all this shitty business. So she was already in a defensive mindset (but she knew I was making valid points). So her phone is there ringing and she didn't want to answer, so I answered it (probably shouldn't have) and I said "this is Christina's husband, why the fuck are you calling my wife?!". Of course he hung up. So she was embarrassed that happened. Then I couldn't help myself and started telling her why he was a scumbag and he would never leave his wife and his home to go live with her in a shitty little apartment and even if he did he would get sick of her pussy and eventually cheat on her if she didn't start cheating on him first. So she started getting insanely pissed and was saying the most brutal and vile shit to me. Obviously just pulling out all the stops to hurt me back. But the thing is she was finally being completely honest about the way she felt the whole time. So that was enough for me, and I finally felt the weight of Give A Fuck lift from me. I told her she had to go live at her mom's until she finds a place. Up until now I have been ridiculously tolerant and I realized how stupid that was. So we got our daughter and everything was fine with that, except she was not acting mad or disappointed in her at all, which was intolerable to me. So I have a lot to figure out. But I'm in a better place, if that makes sense.
Document as much as possible. Updateme
So sorry man. Do the kids know of her shit? UpdateMe
Your marriage is over. Call the guys wife and tell her about the affair and kick your cheating wife out and start the divorce
Hey man, first off - I feel your pain brother. I wouldn't call any of what you did pathetic. You're trying to do what your heart wants. You guys have been together forever and it's not something that you can easily just flip a switch to turn off. The physical aspect of it is a no no. I unfortunately draw the line there even if you're a burly guy and she is dainty. That crap doesn't fly in my book. If it's still recent, I'd suggest to press charges if you have evidence. It may sting to do so, but... Well .. It's a way to get her away from you.
I was with my wife for 33 years and found out she was having a multi year affair. There’s really no coming back from that. It took me 6 months to regain mastery of my emotions and overcome the trickle truth and gaslighting to finally see who she really was. I was 55 when I finally freed myself from that person who didn’t really love me but had no remorse for using me as her provider and emotional crutch. Think of it this way: you have wasted most of your life on this person who isn’t who you thought she was and will exert tremendous effort to make sure she gets whatever she wants and will do that by denying that same thing to you. It’s a hard thing to comprehend that your best friend is actually the worst enemy you will ever have. I imagine that you wouldn’t subject your worst enemy to wasting their entire life trying to make someone happy who quite literally doesn’t give two shits if you ever have the happiness that she’s willing to destroy you over. From what you said, it’s absolutely over and you can never trust her again. Get a referral to a good divorce attorney and do exactly what they say. Get out with minimal fuss as quickly as possible. You are on the clock to move on with your life since she’s already wasted most of it and you will NEVER get it back. Don’t succumb to the sunk cost fallacy. Being single in your 50s as a man is not so bad if you have had any kind of career success and are even somewhat fit. Go to the gym. You will have success in dating but be very careful and don’t do the dating apps. There’s no blowback for being a horrible person on those things. It won’t be hard to find someone in your friend group that knows a good person. Probably way too early to go there, but having hope is important. You can also just decide to not bother dating and be happy alone. Chances are that you were actually unhappy a lot of the time and you will look back on this and be glad that you got out of it and can hold your head high knowing that you were an honorable person. She’s going to wallow in regret and despair because it’s never going to work out with the other cheater scumbag.
Bro, you have to realize that this marriage is over and done with keeping yourself in this situation is gonna cause you traumatic mental stress and eventually it’s going to cause you to snap and possibly go into such a deep depression that you won’t be able to be pulled out of it quite easily I know that you guys have had a lot of time together, but she is choosing to be with this guy over you, you either need to kick her out or be move out yourself. Make sure all your funds are separate file for divorce. Plan your exit strategy with your lawyer very well. Keep all the evidence you can, just be done with all this mentally and physically talk to you. I would’ve called law-enforcement on that but that’s your call that has been through similar is cause irreparable damage to yourself.
Telling the AP spouse could cause him to stop it and her to suction back to you. That’s what happened to me and it makes everything so much harder. I would still do it the same way again because they deserve to know, but leaving now is so much harder when they panic and try to stay out of “love” no fear.
You said everything and the opposite of everything to the point of almost justifying your wife's actions. You handled the discovery as naively as if you were a teenager. I hope you can now get out of this marriage in a decent manner and I hope you tell Ap's wife, she deserves to know.
I cant argue with that. I am not proud of the way I handled it, but if I knew then what I know now, it would have been a lot more dignified, I agree. Plus, I would be rich from the lottery winnings.
She is no longer the same woman who was with you for so long, she now takes pleasure or indifference towards your suffering . Don't try to continue sleeping with someone who wants you harm.
UpdateMe!
The first thing you need to do is kick her out. She is using you and disrespecting you right to your face. She knows how much you're hurting and still doesn't care. She continues to cheat while living at home with no regards for you or your feelings. Put yourself first!! If she has a place lined up she can go stay with family or a friend until it's available. Stop allowing her to mess with your head and mental health. Stand up for yourself. If she wants to be with other men then fine, but don't let her do it comfortably in the home you raised your children in and had a loving family together. She needs a reality check, she made a choice now she has to leave and go live with the choice she made.
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UpdateMe
Updateme
Your wife is a text book cake eater. Be sure to 100% set that Narrative with cooperation from your legal team when you see that checkered flag. And your kids will respect you and look to you as a role model if you are factual when you have those hard discussions that mom destroyed the marriage. Your ex partner has very serious and damaging character issues. From how well written you displayed your story, I am confident you will come out of this ok
It's okay and normal to struggle when such a shit happens after such a long marriage. And it's also okay that you can't accept that it's so easy for her to betray you, lie to you and leave you behind as if you meant nothing to her. But that is the harsh truth that you need to accept. Your wife had many many options, including options to end your marriage in a way that would be respectful, doesn't expose you to STD's and would take care that you can meet afterwards without of so much negative feelings involved. She didn't want that, she didn't even want the marriage to end. And that is something you need to understand. Only when she knew that you are aware of what is going on, only then did she start the talk about divorce. It was a reaction of her, not something she had planned. That gives you the most important of all informations. What is happening is not your fault. She didn't start this affair because your marriage was bad or because you were a bad partner. No, she wanted to remain in this marriage because you are such a freakin awesome partner. She just thought that she deserves even more and loves it to cheat on you, the thrill and the rush that is involved. Her cheating only says something about her and her morals. You are perfect the way that you are. The biggest problem that I have with your whole post is that you aren't making decisons, you are only reacting to what she does and want to talk to someone that lied to you so often that it is as normal for her as breathing. Take back the control, you know all that you need to know. You gave her a chance and she is not interested. Now it's time to take back the control and to think of yourself. Meet with a lawyer, prepare the divorce papers and give them to her. Look for places to stay because you can't stand it to be near her and lied to every single day, that is not the presence you want to have around you day in and day out. Go to a doc and get tested for STD's, better safe than sorry. Take back the control and show her and much more yourself that you allow no one to treat you like that. Don't let her make all the decisions, this is about you so start making decisions before she does them for you. You are wonderful the way that you are, don't make it to your problem that she was no longer able to see that.
This is very kind of you to say, thank you. Yes, I understand what you're saying and you are 100% right. I made some updates in responses earlier and not sure if you saw those, but me leaving isn't a viable option. Otherwise I would have been gone a long time ago. But you are spot on with your point about her only talking about divorce after I called her out on what she was doing. Unfortunately, she had no real plan and it's taken a long time to get her shit together. It's been horrific at times, having her here. But I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that is kind of savoring the fact that she is realizing how good she has it right now and is terrified at the prospect of actually leaving, but she has run her mouth about it to everyone and her vanity will keep her from changing her mind. At this point, I am finally 100% NOT taking her back, even if she begged me. If you asked me that 2 months ago, different answer for sure. So in the end I think this is another example of things working out the way they needed to. Thank you again.
Yes, I saw a few of your replies and you can be proud of yourself for how you are dealing with all that. Everyone here knows that it isn't easy, hurts and can break you. But you are pushing through, that says a lot about you. But in my opinion do you need to take it a step further. Start to live the single life at home with her already now. Stop talking to her unless it is about the kids or the divorce. She had a rough day at work? Talk to your friend or lover. Her laundry isn't done? Get it done you are only taking care of your own laundry. She asks what is planned for dinner? You got no idea what she has planned, you already had dinner. She plans to go out tonight? You shrug. You plan to go out? Be out, don't tell her beforehand. You probably get what I mean. Give her a taste of what she can expect when you are no longer there. May I ask what you told your kids? Are you planning to lie to your kids after you told them not to lie to people when you raised them or will you tell them that they should ask their mom? Have you told her that you will not lie to the kids?
Thanks for your supportive words. All of this stuff means a lot, as some of you here can probably relate. Yes, I hear you about the single lifestyle. That's a great idea. But I'm going to be honest with you, and I know this is probably going to be considered a bad idea and people are going to berate me for it, but I think something I am realizing as I go through this thing. I have benefitted a lot from coming here and getting all the great feedback and advice from everyone, is that I am choosing my own way of navigating this thing. I am taking as much as I can of the wisdom people are sharing, and mixing it with what I feel like I need to do in order to end this long marriage in a way that I won't look back with nothing but resentment and anger. I realize there will be plenty of that. Heaps of it. Along with another swimming pool's worth of tears, probably. But I would like to also remember some of the better parts of it.
Of course you need to do what is best for you. The only right way through this whole shitshow is your way, the way that suits you best. The only advice that really matters in this context is to make sure that she isn't using you, that you do what is best for you and/or the kids. Don't hold back with something that you want to do because of how she might react. Take good care of yourself. That is what matters most.
Dude learn how to summarize and have some self-respect. You’re being all emotional and whiny, be a man, that’s probably why she’s leaving you. You played you, dump her.
Dude, nobody is forcing you to read my shit. Sorry if you don't like it. You are mistaking my honesty for emotion. The way I have navigated through this mess has been the only way I knew how, which is to say I had no idea how to do it. While this is all new to me, from the information I have gathered and resources I have educated myself on about this vile shit, my reactions and the timing of them have been pretty much textbook predictable. Do I wish I had come here before this pain train slammed into my world ? Of course. Do I wish I had read Chump Lady before all this shit storm started raining down ? Obviously. But this is something that I never in a million fucking years would have imagined. So I did the best I could, and I am going to give myself a break on some if the stupid reactions I had. I'm also going to stand by the fact that I have shared 2/3 of my 51 years on this planet with this woman. She has (until recently) been a damn good mother to my kids and we have a lot of incredible years, decades, of a great life that absolutely deserves to be celebrated. Did she go about this in an obscenely twisted and hurtful way ? Of course. Did she make the wrong decisions knowingly ? Absolutely. Did she set out to do this thing TO me ? Fuck no. She got too close with some loser she worked with and who she spent way more time with at her job than she did with me and our kids at home. She realized after 34 years of being with me and me only that she could have feelings for someone else. She fucked up by acting on those feelings and she absolutely loved the thrill of it all. Do I condone her selfish decisions ? Hell no. But am I going to agree with your idiotic statement that she's leaving me "because I'm not being a man" ? No. That's dumb and borderline troll-ish. I'm going to give myself some grace for reacting the way I did. When you spend this many years building something, pouring everything into it, there's no way it's going to be easy to just flip a switch like that. At least that's true for me. And honestly, in the end this is a journey you walk alone. You can get great advice from everyone under the sun, but in the end this is a dance you dance alone, and everyone is going to have their own way of handling it.
Just here to commiserate… our stories are so similar… wishing you a peaceful outcome.
thank you friend. hopefully we are both in better spaces not long from now. I don't know about you, but I blame Taylor Swift for the whole damn thing.
Don’t die in silence trying to face these all by your self reach out to crackprof and expert in these he will help provide permanent solutions to your situation he has helped so many people crackprof is his name on instagram
Her reactions show that she has high levels of Oxytocin for the OM. This means that they have had sex at least 6 times. Sorry OP but with you planning the long game is the best thing for you at this moment. While she is still in the limerence stage you will get the best deal out of the divorce settlement. But once divorce is completed then blow the thing up far and wide. She will of course want to come back once the infatuations wear off. Oh Boy has she fucked her life up. OP hold the line and do what you have to do.
thanks cookie. That's interesting about the oxytocin thing. never heard that. 6 times, huh ? damn. OK. good to know ! One thing I didn't mention was that this guy actually left the place of work and moved to a different job a long ways away. Now, I know that they still tried to make time to get together, but I also know that it really didn't end up working out. She is still in that limerence phase with him to a degree, but he has made it clear to her that he isn't leaving his wife and his home over it. So that made my cheating whore wife VERY sad for a while. But since then I am pretty sure she has started looking for her next target. Like I said, she is now fully addicted to the thrill of being sneaky and fucking around, but I don't know how exciting it's going to be once she is by herself in a small apartment, probably with no air conditioning, and realizing that her pussy isn't actually made of gold, and she is actually just a slightly above average looking 48 year old mother of 3. I think she fully believes that men are going to be lining up to leave their wives and girlfriends and destroy their homes just for a chance to serve at her not-as-pretty-as-she-thinks feet. She is cute, but there are a LOT of cute girls out there who don't live in shitty little apartments and have actual life skills besides smoking as much post as she possibly can each and every day.
You make some very important observations. The OM dumped her and she got all morbid. Happened to me just before Covid lock down. I went through hell as she pined for her OM (20 years her junior). One thing is for sure in your case, is that, as they had consummated their relationship, they will be physical again due to their close familiarity. So don't think she will ever be monogamous again. Now that OM is out of the picture, other guys will try and get a bit of side action. She is looking for a replacement for the one that got away for now but give a few more months and her feeling will subside. Unfortunately, you will never forget this and should you stay, you will begin to despise her for betraying your relationship. Just an aside, in Dante's inferno the ninth ring is treachery and that is where Satan resides. So, your options are to either stay and reconcile and end up hating her or leave and get the feeling of indifference to her. The latter option will give a more stable outcome for your mental health and for the relationship you have with your family. One thing for sure is that she will be very lonely once she comes to the realization that the Chads of the world are only interested in one thing. This realization will only dawn on her when she has been completely used. For her to then get into a decent relationship will be impossible. Also imporatant is the fact that relationships at this stage of life are not only determined by the affection that you have for your partner but also by the interaction you have with your partners children. Again the later is more of a deal breaker in most relationships. You on the other hand could very easily get a 38y high value partner. I speak from experience as at 66y now I have a plethora of 50y hitting on me with one as young as 30 and a few 38year olds. I've only been divorced for coming up two years now. In most of these women and in particular the 50year olds, all they have to offer in the relationship is a 50year old vagina. So sad. I'm lucky in that I have found a great 60y partner with a great family with my values and things look good. For you it will get better.
I’m sorry you’re going thru this OP. 😢 Please take care of yourself and your kids. I’m sure they were shocked that their parent’s relationship has imploded. Sending you huge hugs 🫂 and peace to get you through this time… SubscribeMe!
thanks, I can use all the hugs I can get right now. right back atcha !
After the divorce, tell her boss about their affair, as well as AP's wife and her family. Sit the kids down and tell them all what she has done before she starts spinning the narrative and making you out to be the bad guy.
thanks for the advice. I am planning on most of that. much appreciated.
Sorry you're going through this. My advice is to burn that MF's house down. Tell his wife now, provide her with all the evidence and watch his world crumble, stand back with a glass of whiskey and a nice cigar and watch the fireworks. I bet when that happens he will drop your wife quicker than she dropped her knickers for him.
LOL this is hilarious, thank you. laughter is so important. yeah, I am curious to see how things will play out when I tell the wife. part of me thinks my wife might be able to get this guy to come and stay with her, but I have seen this guys house and it's relatively nice for a cheating scumbag. I think my wife is overestimating the power of her charms, but who knows? Maybe it's true love, and if that's the case, they deserve each other. You should see this dude. He is an ugly little bald guy. I would love to see what happens after she gets to spend some actual time with him, wrinkles and all. He is way older than her, and her only real perspective she has is him at work doing building maintenance stuff that she asked him to do, which is kind of like the "highlight reel" of a guys life. Once she sees the rest of the film, I don't see her being very content with that for too long, but who the hell knows. maybe I'm wrong. honestly, I am finally at a point of honestly being fresh out of shits to give about it. although you are right, that is going to be perversely fun to watch.
Oh I can imagine that he looks like hoggle from the film labyrinth. Most of the time it is the wife that has the money and owns the house, etc. he's probably just an employee of her company. It's a big difference between having an affair and living with someone. That's when all his charm and the facade drops. He probably has to use Viagra to get it up.
She could have used this time after the kids are grown, to reconnect with you. Instead she goes after men who are not up to par with you. Sounds familiar... re-examine your life for times she was behaving strangely and maybe get those DNA tests. Welcome to the club. It really sucks being here.
yikes. ok, you're probably right. Although I honestly don't know how much more I can handle right this minute. but yes, eventually that's something I will probably end up feeling the need to do, I have a feeling. good advice, thank you.
You are making excuses for her and you probably have been since you have known her. Lots of people have bad shit happen to them, and they do not cheat. You really need to stop all of the "Nice Guy" stuff. You need to read the book, No more Mr nice guy. You are never too old to learn. And you should tell his wife today with proof. It is an immoral for her not to know. It will not impact your divorce, no matter what your lawyer says, it is the right thing to do. Again, this is some type of "Nice Guy", codependent, avoidant behavior on your part. You simply have to get out of the excuse making, co-dependent frame of mind. And you dont have to see her all the time. You have separate events when you can. I bet you have not told your children yet to "protect her", right? If you told them did you tell them the truth? I bet not. I hope I am wrong. You write about being a chump, you know it is wrong and you are still doing it. I mean, what will it take for you to get mad and get this crap over with. I am not trying to be mean, but I hate to see someone go through self imposed hell when you don't have to.
Oh, I'm mad. believe me. This stuff you are saying is all true, and no arguments from me. The more I read here, the more I am leaning toward telling the wife right away. If it seems like I'm making excuses for her, I really am not trying to do that. I know that what she did was abominable and unforgiveable, and the kids already know about it. Sadly, the 16 year old has become like a best friend to my (basically) friendless wife. So she probably knows more about this than I do. All the crazy madman shit I have done, the reaction of my fucked up wife ended up being the reaction of our very impressionable daughter. At this point, anything I try to say to her (the kid) is going to be judged the exact same way it would if I was talking to my cheater wife. Our son is smarter and sees things for what they are, and he is not very happy about the way this whole thing went down. But as for our daughter, I am looking forward to the dust settling enough for her to be able to get some clarity and probably some therapy at some point. Unfortunately, that isn't going to happen until the wife is gone and our daughter finds out that mama doesn't necessarily want her to be there with her all the time. That's going to be hard on my kid, and that's going to really get me even more pissed, but I am pretty sure that's how this is going to go. Add it to the list of shit that sucks right now. But honestly, I know it's over and I know there's no going back. Between now and when she leaves, I just think the kids have heard enough anger and anguish from the 2 of us for the moment. I don't see how going full captain asshole is going to improve anything. Maybe that's dumb, but I just think we all need a break from the battle, and the end is right there in front of me. Once she leaves, there's no take backs and she knows that. She got pissed when I told her she needed to get all of her J Crew shit out of here when she leaves. I certainly am not going to be having to look at that sad reminder of where my money went every day. When I say it's closer to $50k than $10k in clothes, I'm probably undershooting it. Mostly all J Crew, hundreds of pieces of clothing, nice coats (like, dozens) probably 50 pairs of shoes and boots, sweaters, you name it. Piled to the ceiling on top of all the dressers and every closet jammed full, plus another room full of boxed up stuff. Full on hoarder shit, and that stuff is not cheap. She is trying to sell some of it on Poshmark but it's ridiculous. It would take literally years to sell even half of it. She is going to have to rent a storage unit, and not a small one. It's tragic, how much money she spent, and it will get me physically ill if I dwell on that. That's something she feels genuine remorse about, because right now she REALLY needs money, but she already spent it all. Yeah, I'm fully pissed off angry, but I'm done punching walls and kicking shit. It doesn't help for more than about 2 seconds and it's not worth it.
OK, breath. Here are some points to help you. 1) Your kids will learn, that will understand in the long run. My kids abandoned be in a way when their mother moved out of the house on her own. I just let it be for a while and they came back to me when they understood what their mother had done to me... And it was more than just infidelity. So Breath. 2) No one said you had to be captain asshole, what I and others are saying is this: You have NGS, Nice guy syndrome, or KISA, Knight is shinning armor syndrome the are about the same thing. I think it stems from our codependence but it does not really matter. Here is the deal, Nice Guys Get Screwed Over most of the time. Or, Nice guys finish last almost always, and absolutely in infidelity. You don't have to be mean, just tell her to GTFO and leave. You FILE FOR DIVORCE. You stop talking to her except about the kids and the divorce. Stand up for yourself. Find your balls, and learn to stop being codependent. Stop lighting yourself on fire for other people. It is not noble, it is not the right thing to do, it is stupid. 3) Get over her pissing off that much money, you cannot change that. It happened, just like her screwing other people happened. The emotional energy that you are using for that one aspect is energy you should use to divorce her and move on with your life. You cannot change how much she has fucked you over, but you can get her out of your life and move on to live your life. And lastly, not being a nice guy is not the same as being an asshole. It is being a strong, confident, NON CODEPENDENT, man that has boundaries that are healthy and sticks by them. If you keep strong boundaries like, no cheating, life sucking whores allowed, if somebody has an issue, that is a them problem not a you problem. Once I stopped the Nice Guy, codependent life style, life got so much better. It is hard to describe. Get strong, stay strong. You have filed for divorce, Right?
Tell the wife and everyone around you NOW. It will give you a great support system. Updateme
Updateme!
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
thanks. smart advice.
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Dude - get a lawyer. A good one. A really good one. A shark. And do exactly as he/she says. Exactly. That will be your ticket for a successful divorce. And as for telling the other spouse etc., noble BUT may not work for you in the divorce. You could tell her after. Did I mention you should listen to your lawyer?
Cops should’ve been called when she assaulted you. Full stop
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Updateme!
You wrote this beautifully and emulated exactly what it feels like.
Thx John. Bless you for the compliment and congrats on making it all the way through that little mini-novella. Had no idea it got so long.. lol
I think AP spouse would want to know now though. Attorney first yes, but if you were AP spouse wouldn't you want to know now?
Have you secured an attorney? This is the most important thing. Have you cut all your finances off from her? The second most important thing. All joint credit cards need to be paid off and cancelled. Don't think about it. DO IT. Cancel your phone plan and open one in your name only. If you have internet service, password protect it and do not give her the code. Start demanding she pay half the bills for living expenses. Get cameras and voice recorders installed throughout the house. Or she may decide to accuse you of doing something you won't be able to defend yourself from. And don't be naive' enough to believe she wouldn't do that. And the next time she touches you, call the police. Don't be a chump. She wouldn't hesitate for a moment to bang you if you did what she did to you.
You should have filed a police report on the attack, and got a restraining order. See the lawyer, and get the ball rolling on a divorce. There is no reason to show her any empathy. And stop trying to live in the past. Any slack you give her now, she will use to hang you.
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