I mean right?.... like her whole relationship point of view has been built around non monogamy and you thought your dick game was so strong youd change that?
On top of that, he's not even letting her have the D.
Not only she's non monogamous but he has low libido for her.
They aren't compatible. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault, but they can't both be happy together.
What d game? He's constantly withdrawn from her, withholding sex and intimacy on numerous occasions. Neither one is good for the other. Do yourselves a favor and move on to more compatible partners.
Yes, he was monogamous and she was a swinger. How more mismatched can two people be? Regardless of whether a person is a man or woman, a monogamous person who values that, should stay way from a person who has a history of not being monogamous.
And besides the guy getting involved with a woman who sees sex as something to be distributed, he still doesn't have sex with her, if he doesn't eat someone else will and he doesn't even need her to be a collector of men for that.
You dont forgive someone who has an affair with a friend of yours. You don't forgive a friend who has had an affiar with someone you are with. For you to continue entertaining ideas of making things work after the complete disregard she has shown you is absurd dude. Be better to yourself, move on.
This 100% I've never spoken to my former best friend after I caught him and my ex in bed together. When ever he see's me in the street he crosses over, at a pub/club, he leaves. There are some boundaries that you should never cross and cheating with a friends partner is freaking major one.
Honestly you should not stay with her. People who disassociate sex from romance are generally unhappy in long term committed relationships and are far more likely to be unfaithful. Your Fiance' has proved this to be true over and over again. You'd be better off finding a new partner. If yo stay with her, she'll cheat again.
"People who disassociate sex from romance are generally unhappy in long term committed relationships and are far more likely to be unfaithful."
that's my (anecdotal) experience as well
Oh man. Look at yourself please. Her actions led to you becoming someone you never wanted to be. You started this relationship with a clear stance against swinging/non monogamy. You desired a monogamous relationship.
Now after she cheated on you each time when you were stressed and focused on your studies, you signed up on dating apps. You took a first step in becoming what you never wanted to be, non monogamous. Even if the conversations were harmless, you talked to woman that you knew wanted to date. That is infidelity.
What will happen the next time when your job causes you so much stress that you can't be intimate with her and you find out that she cheated again? You are becoming the very thing you never wanted to be.
And NEVER say that she cheated on you because of what you did or haven't done. She could have broke up with you and then turn to other people, that would have been the right thing to do. Not to go behind your back and expose you to STD's.
As long as she points with her finger at you for the reason that she cheated, things will never work out, I guarantee you that. She doesn't love you, someone that loves you doesn't treat you like that and lies to you so happily.
I agree to others. Trying to change someone who was in swinging/open relationship is almost impossible.
This relationship was doomed from the start.
However I tipp for the next relationship since in my opinion you have also some fault here:
-don't start to get cold/distance to your gfs..
Communicate is important mate.
OP yes seems that you both are incompatible.
Why? because every time you gone thru depression or not being emotional available to her whatever the reason she will seek to fullfill her needs somewhere and with someone else. You just said it, she sees sex as a release and You don't.
She cheated on you 2 times and just for that release because your emotional unavalability.
Sorry but you should end this, also let me tell you that it is not completely her fault, even in normal backgrounds or monogamus ones what you did will also be considered not acceptable by your partner, you need to find ways to not relapse in those kinds of behaivors for the sake of future relationships.
But once this told/mentioned, cheating is not the answer to this and is not acceptable.
UPDATEME
This, I feel like if OP don't change, he will get many problems in the future with other relationship. I doubt many women would like to get same threatment from OP as his girlfriend did. They maybe cheat or broke up with him...
He fails to bond a emotional bond to his gf. He fails to realize that being in a relationship is two vs rest of the world, however he just been alone vs the whole world, focus just on himself and ignore his gf needs.
Exactly, and that is why he should seek help to change this or else he will suffer from the same even if he start a relationship with monogamous people.
She doesn't just come from a swinging / non-monogomous background, she has swinging / non-monogomous values.
That’s OK for her, and OK for the two if you if those values match with yours.
They don't.
You are not compatible.
Too many people fall for the sunk cost fallacy, not able to see that the past wasn't what they thought, and even if it was it can't be lived again.
Decisions have to be made with only the future in mind, one that is happy and fulfilling, or filled with suspicion, triggers, and betrayal.
Are your actions wrong, yes. Do the come to the same level as hers, no flipping way. She had a long term affair with a friend of yours, BEHIND YOUR BACK.
You owe absolutely nothing to this woman. I would have already NOPED out of this relationship when I found and saw the saved messages.
Best of luck.
You guys are incompatible.
She wants you to change to meet her needs.
End it, now, before the pain gets worse.
She doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship, so let her go do what she wants.
Smile as she leaves. You've dodged a bullet.
End the relationship, she was not the right person for you out of the gate.
Get therapy and work on yourself so that when life becomes a little stressful, you don’t go into a shell. Life can be both challenging and wonderful at the same time, work to see that, then you can weather life’s peaks and values and stay whole.
This is a train wreck you are in school so you must be fairly a art person I take it . The dumbest thing you could do is Mary this woman . I still shaking my head thinking wtf is this guy thinking . Sure I say stay with her if you love to and will spend your entire life doing this exact same thing. That's why I got married I couldn't wait for my wife to cheat so I could finally. Sweep it under a rug . So she could go it again . Man I always thought of having a couple kids was what I wanted . Na
Let's look back .
1) an EA with an old bf
2) a different old bf
3) a friend of yours
4) do you have a brother ?
5) how about a sister
6 ) maybe 1 more friend before you have children just to get it out of her system
7) who knows another old hook up she ran into but it was a mistake see was drinking .
8) well you get the picture here .
End it. You're crappy on both sides. She a cheater or nonmonogomous and when you get stressed you fold up, close up shop and leave her nothing. Who the hell wants or needs this?
Of course, you chose the wrong partner. That is a given. Whenever there are stresses you shutdown and she cheats, regardless of why, there are no excuses for cheating. And her cheating is mostly based upon her previous sexual lifestyle. And obviously it is way more than just a sexual release. A full on affair is not just a onetime quickie.
Casual sex, swinging etc. Is full of problems. Pandora's box never seems to remain fully closed. A person's past is with them for life and as you can easily see mutual consent does not ever mean everyone involved has consented. You certainly did not. The mindset from the past is right there for life and easily is resurrected.
Neither of you two seem capable of any permanent change. You cannot get over her acceptance of her past lifestyle and continuing casual sex propensities. And she cannot change her mindset.
No, you two are not compatible.
Morals, ethics, principles, values, beliefs, character and integrity to her, all are fluid things. To you it is not. And she will always fall short in most all those categories.
Long distance is a thing to avoid as much as possible.
If we pick the wrong partner nothing will likely ever be right.
So as you two continue to age, you 100 % know what will happen if you get sick and cannot meet her sexual requirements. A number of things could happen health wise. Her promises are hollow.
You really needed to leave long ago.
Sorry.
You're good, you won't hurt my feelings. Just wasn't feeling comfortable or in it enough mindset wise with everything going on in my life. I wasn't doing it maliciously.
Damn if there was ever a couple that should not be together, y’all would be the poster for it. Be single a long time and clean your shit up. Y’all both suck and are extremely toxic. Love does not conquer all.
What did you think would happen when you withheld sex and intimacy from her? Clearly release is important to her.
That said, her affair was much more than release
It sounds like you two are just incompatible and have very different boundaries and morals. You will never get over her background and cheating. You will never be able to trust her.
Pontless relationship, I'm sorry but this isn't healthy. Respect yourself and move on, leave her, she doesn't worth it. And you need a lot of work to do.
Here is the thing. Her issues and yours are apples and oranges. She has no sense of loyalty or integrity. None. Period. She didn't cheat awhile back, she has been lying ever since. So she has been cheating this whole time. It's not the act that makes it cheating, it's the lies.
You have repeatedly fallen into the same pattern of destructive behavior over and over again. Yet, you still do it.
It's one thing to try to reconcile after infidelity but to do so while also needing to completely change yourself?
This is purely a recipe for disaster. Break up.
Sounds like you need to work on yourself as well. You keep being unavailable and withholding sex. You browse dating apps and text women you find there. You have cheated as well. Both of you need to get your crap together before being in any relationships.
You're not going to get that stuff out of your head.
You can't unsee it.
Sounds like she needs to be let loose so she can go back to dating orgy guys.
YOU need to concentrate on getting your degree done because it sounds like that's something that takes most of your time and effort. Maybe put relationships on the back burner now.
The fact it was a friend makes this irredeemable. Jesus, I mean its about as bad of a thing as you can do to someone.
If you can forgive that... whats the line? I hope this hasn't killed your self esteem because trust me, you can do better than someone who would do one of the worst possible things to you
Man, you guys are on 2 different planets. A monogomous person and a nonmonogomous person have different mindsets about what sex, intimacy, and love in general are. My advice would be to move on. You are only prolonging the heartbreak.
Updateme
She sounds manipulative and manipulates the situation to her advantage, all while blaming you. She's cheating with your friend.
The last time and now this, she is blaming you for her cheating. YOU are the one who has to change to meet HER needs. What is she doing to change her non monogamous ways? NOTHING, she is deceitful and lies by omission and is cheating on you.
I personally would break things off with her and cut off your friend because neither one of them respect you or your relationship. She is controlling you and manipulating you and blaming you to justify her cheating to keep control of the relationship. Your financial infidelity is none of her business UNLESS you are using some of her money.
I'm sorry, but I would have dumped her for banging your friend behind your back. She, IMO, won't change, and she will cheat on you because that's what she does.
I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this, but from what you've written so far:
1) You're not a good partner to her. 😉
2) You took a pretty big gamble getting involved with someone you weren't compatible with.
I think the relationship is doomed. You’re both being unfaithful. Overall, if you can’t forgive her after all these years, it will never happen- this I’m saying from the experience. Also, doesn’t really seem like you value your relationship if you’re looking at dating apps and talking to other people. I’m sure you know what to do.. cut the cord.
>Are we just incompatible? Is this even worth trying to sort out? What do you all make of this, what would you do?
- Yes.
- And sorry, no.
- Its a mess and youre actively excusing her adultery.
Me?? Let her down easy, move on.
OP.. when things got difficult she chose to cheat. Several times.
Things WILL get difficult again - guess what she will do the next time??
This way of responding to difficulties in the relationship is second nature to her - she will NEVER stop handling difficulties any other way.
And.. basically you and she view sex and intimacy very differently. Do you see that change?? Will she ever be monogamous?? - until now, she hasnt been able to. Will you ever be able to accept her occasionally seeking others for sex and intimacy??
Time to say goodbye
Look, you also were not married and had your chick drive 5 hours whilst you were stressed studying and shit.
It is all just a giant mess.
You can not ever trust her and should never trust her.
So just say goodbye.
Simple, obvious and you maintain the ability to look at yourself in the mirror each day.
But if you rather be a forced cuckold - then whatever, that is cool also. But it has to be consensual. Do you consent to be cuckolded by this girl?
You're 100% incompatible.
Just end it. Block her and go NC.
She screwed your friend. Not even a stranger. She has zero respect or love for you.
You're no prize either taking your stress out on your partner every time. But that's no excuse for cheating.
There is zero chance this relationship ends well or can be repaired. You're both too different and you're way too hurt.
So end it move on and never speak to her or your "friend" again.
This. Is one of the few posts I've seen where I cant see fault on one side or the other ,you both play off each other. Sunk cost fallacy.leave and focus on fixing yourself before you get into and screw up another relationship.
You can’t have a monogamous relationship with a non-monogamous person.
Of course you are not compatible unless she changes.
Sex to her has the same emotional impact as a peck on the cheek.
She will never be able to hold it sacred for you alone… move on.
Listen, you need to grow up. Not trying to be mean to you but just being real.
You need to grow up, you need to learn to handle your emotions, you need to learn to deal with stress better, and you need to lose your girl friend.
However, nothing you did or did not do caused her to cheat. It may be strange for a male to withhold sex, but not unheard of. That along with the things above you might need to talk with a therapist about. I mean a guy as young as you are, having this type of/this much stress is a bad sign for the future. No matter how much are you are studying, you need to be able to handle stress. Life is stressful.
But her cheating is not your fault.
Listen, the adult thing to do is get rid of her. She is not for a serious mono relationship and may never be. If your school is that difficult and stressful, maybe you should not be in a relationship with anyone until you are finished.
But your relationship with her SHOULD BE DONE, no matter what she want. She is not for you.
You were incompatible to begin with. As evidence of that presented itself to you you proceeded to ignore it.
After the cheating, which should have confirmed the original assessment that you were incompatible you again chose to ignore it and attempt to proceed with the relationship. Only for infidelity to rear it's ugly head yet again
How many times do you need confirmation that you are incompatible? But the most important question is why are you ignoring all the confirmation. Get to the bottom of that question and you should be able to see very clearly that the two of you should have never been in a relationship right from the start.
She will always cheat on you no matter what you do,she'll just get better at hiding her infidelity.
Run now, and don't ever start a relationship with a non-monogamous person unless you intend to have a non monogamous relationship.
Updateme!
I’m surprised you two made it this long as a couple. By your own admission, you have not given her a “normal” amount of care and affection. Previously being non monogamous and a swinger, I’m guessing she likes more care and affection. You on the other hand sound like a mess. Cheating is never okay and if you break up over it you are totally justified. Either way, you need to get your shit together, in your current state, I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship with anyone.
Take care of yourself, I hope you get better
Love is sometimes not enough. You can’t give each other what u each need.
Remain friends and move on. Wish each other well in finding someone more compatible.
Why stay together. You both are a mess and need to get yourselves together individually. Sleeping a your boyfriend's friend is a deal breaker. There is no reason to come crying about that, it was done purposely the second time and more afterwards.
Just put both of yourselves out of misery and move on. She expects your great earning potential out of you, that is all. She will cheat on you once you are married. If you can't see that, then she has AMAZING sex, which she gives to other people as well. Do you want to finance her sexual appetite and cry at home wondering who she is giving herself to?
Just end it already.
I think the fact that after 6 years you didn’t get married is a red flag. Clearly you didn’t want to close the deal. Find a new girl, casually date, don’t get engaged unless you want to get married. Don’t get married unless you want kids.
I'm going to be really blunt to the point that you may be offended, but I believe you need to hear this..... Get yourself into therapy to figure out why you want to keep rolling around and wallowing in this sh!tpile. Sheesh. Have some self-respect. Also get into therapy to learn how to communicate like an adult rather than a petty, immature child. Closed off, coldness, distancing, withholding is incredibly unhealthy and immature. Learn how to COMMUNICATE with partners with compassion, full honesty, transparency and empathy. Your methods of "communication", the coldness, distance and withholding, is massively unhealthy. Also learn how to deal with stress in a healthy way. If I were your girlfriend, I'd dump you and never look back if you ever treated me like that. I have zero tolerance for that kind of manipulative, unhealthy, behaviour. Grow up and learn how to be a healthy adult and partner.
"Are we just incompatible?"
Yes you are OP and you knew that then and you know it now.
That isn't the question (whether you're compatible or not).
The question is what you are going to do about it?
You'll either choose to stay with someone you're not compatible with or you won't.
Your life and your choice.
To her credit, she let you know this right away so good on her. You went into this with your eyes wide open.
You need to separate. You are not compatible. You need to work on yourself before being in. Another relationship and she has shown herself to be untrustworthy. While you were unavailable to her, she should have broke things off instead of cheating. There is never a reason to cheat. In addition her blaming you clearly shows no to reconciliation
Why did you propose to a swinger? You guys have different views on relationships and are not compatible. You want to be loyal and she doesn’t. Just ask for the ring back and go your separate ways. You’re not ready for a relationship and she wants random D.
You aren’t at all a match. She needs to be with someone who will have an open relationship with her. It’s OK that you don’t want that, but she needs to realize that you aren’t the right fit for her either.
UPDATEME
You are definitely incompatible!! You should never have started a relationship with her knowing "she comes from a swinging / nonmonogomous background". But, you should also not have "sometimes withhold sex and intimacy". Sounds like you did that often. Personally, I am surprised she wants to stay with you!! End the relationship so you can both find happiness with people that are compatible.
She told you from the start she's going to want to fuck multiple people. That's what swingers do. They are looking for the excitement of cheating but pretending it's ok. But it also sounds like your about as stable as a hydrogen bomb too.
She explicitly told you she was non-monogamous. I hate cheaters, have been cheated on and it ruined my life for awhile. But my friend, that's not what she is here. You tried to make her to be something that she told you she's not and you got burned. I would have loved so much if my worthless ex wife had told me she wasn't capable of being with only me. I would broken up with her after she said that because we wouldn't be compatible and that I very much only like to have one woman at a time. Square peg in a round hole man. Lesson learned, hopefully.
You two are not compatible.
It doesn't have to be your or her fault, you just won't ever both happy together. Her relationship to sex is different to your, and you seem to also have a huge libido discrepancy.
Incompatible on several fronts. She comes from a non monogamy background you don't. You would be seen as weak for not combating your jealousy... Because apparently some folks don't care who thier partner sleeps with... That's not you darlin.
You need someone who isn't going to add to your stress pile and has enough going on with themselves not to step out on you and won't cheat to meet thier " needs" . If they were that strong she should have left. If she knew this would crush you she should have had a conversation with you telling you how dire it was and how neglected she felt. She owed you that much. And she should have had enough respect for herself and you to just leave.
They make toys that can relieve the bodily b.s.
They make porn that can give you an aire of excitement without involving other people.
The issue is she wanted to be desired. That was the thing. It wasn't even the sex, she wanted to feel wanted.
And she was willing to hurt you to get it.
She made a choice,a series of bad choices when it comes to you.
If all you can see when you are with her is her with another guy, then and this thing. Don't dangle hope in front of her, because it's cruel and you don't have to go low. You are better than that. I would get some counseling so you can get over this trauma.
Why go for the poly one when you dont share? Masochist? I mean, I get it .. no one MEANS to get connected to the wrong person. It happens.
But you are doing something very hard. That needs the lions share of your focus. That's epic dude. That's where it is. Not making a long distance affair ridden relationship work... That's exhausting.
Let her go,wish her well And be single while you get your degree in hand. Maybe she wants to just be your fwb... With the express under that it will never go further and you are done as a couple? I mean .. I don't agree with that setup .. but it's probably all she can manage... but that might suck when the time comes to just end it. Maybe drop all of it full stop... Because getting over it is never going to be easier if you invest more time.
So if I were you, I'd hit the road. Find a girl near you who is busy too and smart af and getting after her own money. And see how you can make the most of your small windows of time.
You made a huge mistake by even getting into a relationship with someone like her and it’s been a shit show ever since. Newsflash OP, her behavior is NOT going to change. It’s who she is and she’s shown you that over and over. Do yourself a big favor, believe her actions and end this disaster.
Ask yourself this. Are you a better or worse person because of her? Right now I see someone with trust, anger, intimacy and communication issues and you’re not even the bad guy in this. Simply put, she’s a disaster and she’s pulling you down to her level. I think you thought you would make her a better person, it’s the opposite. Unless this is who you want to be, end it.
So let’s frame this a little bit. You did a fair job of describing your own shortcomings. You were cold, distant, stressed, etc. it’s not just her libido and sex that she’s missing. It’s intimacy. It’s being made to feel like you love her.
Yes, she has the ability to set emotions aside for sex, but that doesn’t mean she has no emotions. She still loves you, but you keep abandoning her. Either it’s because you’re five hours away, or even right there but in your stress, you cast her aside and retreat inward. In those times that you’re stressed, reach out to her and let her help you decompress. Make her feel important in your life.
You’re abandoning her and then talking about YOUR trauma from cheating. How about her trauma from being abandoned by you?
She’s still willing to work things out, but you’re unsure because you don’t like the way she responded when you left her alone and to her own devices.
Read all that twice then call her and talk.
Dude, she loves you and has proven she wants to work it out. Give it your best chance. If that means couples counseling then do it.
Most of your problems will be solved by making her a primary part of your life. Don’t just tell her you love her. Show her you love her. Do that every day and you’ll be set.
To give you some more context - she got together with me when I was a bum. She invested 60k of her own savings after being together for a year to zero my school debt when we decided to move and go to grad school together. She describes never actually wanting nor needing another person in her life but simply wanting my love, intimacy and affection. Throughout both grad degrees I have been more of a roommate at times and this has been when she's strayed. She cries begging me for more romance and I just sometimes don't have it in me. She got tired of begging and pleading and trying to figure out solutions. I've worked on myself a lot to heal this stuff and whenever I'm an actual partner to her everything is wonderful. She obviously loves me very, very much despite her horrible actions.
On my end I have spent nearly 20k behind her back (thankfully got most of it back) and have had eyes on other people because of our issues. This as well as the coldness I mentioned. One could argue the pain I caused her these last 5 years is worse than what she did to me.
That's why I'm trying to understand what others would do in my situation. She's engaged in some terrible actions but so have I.
Yeah, the more you tell me the more I say she’s a keeper.
Here’s some perspective for you. July 10th is the hearing with the judge for my uncontested divorce. We separated 7 years ago. If you ask my wife, she has told everyone I cheated on her and that’s why we are getting divorced. She doesn’t tell people that our bedroom was dead for more than 6 years. For 3 years we had sex only 3 times a year. Then for 3 years, it was zero. She doesn’t tell people that I told her we were going to have an open marriage. No, I didn’t “ask”. I told her it was going to happen. She didn’t ask me if I wanted to be celibate when she decided to become frigid. She didn’t want to divorce, but she didn’t want to have sex either. And it wasn’t just the sex. It was the love, affection, and intimacy that went with it. Loving someone with all your heart and having them push you away repeatedly is a soul sucking experience.
Here is the analogy I gave my wife. She never understood this, but I think it’s a spot on analogy. If I agree to eat at only your restaurant, but your restaurant is usually closed, how many days, weeks, months, must I go hungry and unfed before I finally eat somewhere else? If the reason I eat somewhere else is because you were closed, how much of the fault is mine? I’m willing to accept some, but not all fault because I didn’t “want” to eat elsewhere. I “had” to eat elsewhere because I was starving. I was wasting away because I felt unloved and of no value. In fact, I was feeling used. I kept giving, but I wasn’t receiving.
So, look again at your situation. Did he “want” to eat elsewhere? Or are you just upset that she did when you were closed for business?
She has invested a lot of time, effort, and even money to make a life with you. She deserves to see her investment pay off. She deserves a good life with you. Don’t make the same mistake my now ex-wife did.
She did not and still does not want anyone else, that's obvious. She just wanted a good relationship. I'm just unsure if I can forgive her actions given just how calculated and deceitful they were you know?
Yes, I know. That’s why I gave you the restaurant analogy. You own part of that guilt as well. Is it fair to say that if the restaurant were open she would not have gone somewhere else?
She is forgiving you. You should forgive her and forgive yourself. Hit the reset button. Start with a clean slate.
That’s something only you can answer.
Are you going to get over it when you’ve moved on, you’re ignoring someone else who ends up cheating on you, and your current GF has found someone who appreciates her?
The stoic perspective if what you and my fiance have in common is true is that what's done is done and if she and I both do the work to change it would be no different than getting in a new relationship even though I know that this is a very unpopular opinion here.
End the engagement. You are a monogamous person, she views sex as a totally physical act that can be done with anyone that she finds interesting. Life won’t get better for you if you stay with her.
Honestly, once you found out that she came from a swinging background and you were not a swinger, you should have walked away.
Why do you seem to describe her cheating as an emotional affair that consisted of texting and picture exchanges. You said they met infrequently during this time. Do you really think they were not cheating physically during those meet ups?
MN you used fine words to describe the situation .
But look closely, she made a mistake but you didn't help her in any way, did you make a celibacy agreement with her?
No, so as you think you're going to have a long-distance relationship, she drives for hours to come to you, logically wanting to have sex with you and comes back with nothing!
Cheating has no justification but I want to know why she didn't leave you instead of cheating on you, cheating to stay your girlfriend .
I think you should look for a woman who is already in menopause so you can leave her without sex and she will still be calm.😎
I feel this situation, but I was lied to my husband is a serial cheater and probably would have been nonmongomous in today environment but we didn’t have terms like that when I was younger. However he thinks nothing of texting and being inappropriate with everyone of my friends, and he lies and deny’s. So I feel for the writer situation but I would say you two just come from different worlds. One could see it as she was emotionally supportive of you when you shut down and need time to be de stressed from your hard coursework. Support comes from both ends, and her not understanding what you were going through and why you may of not been as intimated was also on her as well…..
Well she has never been interested in nonmonogomous relationships since we've been together, she just begged and pleaded for my attention, love and intimacy, which I didn't give her. She should have left instead of doing what she did, but in her words stayed because she believed I could change.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me regardless of what happened before. It is like dropping an atom bomb on the entire situation. it is a betrayal and a very basic level and the trust is gone. Because of that I personally would not stay with that person, regardless of what they said.
That and cheaters are liars, and they usually cheated again
She’s doesn’t “REALLY” want to work it out. She got caught and notice she immediately blamed you for not giving her what she needed. You need to leave if you have any remaining self-respect
You are not compatible. It’s that simple. And you shouldn’t have to change to meet her needs anymore than she should change to meet yours.
In a regular monogamous relationship, if one of the couple is cold and distant the other will make it known that they’re not happy and eventually will end the relationship if things don’t improve. But her first instinct was to look for someone else that could give her what she felt was missing from you. And that’s because that’s how she’s always viewed relationships. Multiple partners can provide me with different things. So for her it was a natural step. Probably didn’t view it as cheating. And that will be her first instinct going forward. Both of you would need to be vigilant to make sure she doesn’t stray again.
And leaving aside the incompatibility, she did a couple of things that even those practicing ENM would have balked at. Firstly she had agreed to be monogamous but then went back on her word without discussing it with you first. But secondly, and the most egregious in my opinion, she opened up the relationship with a friend of yours. Without making sure you were comfortable with her choice. That for me would be a line she couldn’t un-cross.
There is no hope for someone like you. You have to learn the hard way. And the one lesson you will learn from this when you are in your 60's (if you get there) is that what you do when you are in your 20's and 30's is the basis for success or failure when you get much older. Cheers.
OP - Why would you try to make a wife out of a woman who isn't wife material? Her ability to pair bond with you is virtually gone just based on the number of men (and women) she's been intimate with thus far. Dude... I know you care for her, but you REALLY need to look out for yourself. If you marry her, she will never remain faithful to you (or anyone really) and she will eventually seek greener pastures elsewhere... taking half of everything you spent your life accumulating with her. More if you have children together. End this fantasy now, because that's all making a person of easy virtue into a spouse is.,, a fantasy.
Bueno mi amigo, es toda tu culpa y en lugar de estar pidiendo consejos, ya la hubieras terminado hace bastante tiempo, no se que esperabas si también eres una persona terriblemente egoísta y mentiste, finalmente parece que son tal para cual, aguántate y ve a dónde va aunque sabes en el fondo como terminará! Aún estás ahí no? Bueno eso significa que quieres seguir y ella simplemente quiere tener algo estable sin dar mucho a cambio, tiene la relación perfecta y solo basta un par de lágrimas y humillaciones para que te haga dudar.
It's sad but neither of you are capable of a true loving relationship. She betrayed you physically and you betrayed her emotionally, You can't just drop your life bs and she can't just drop her needs. Time to end the farce and work on yourselves as individuals. Please stop your inability to truly see each other as anything other than tools.
You can’t change people man if that’s what she likes and what she wants and you knew that going in either get on board or end it. If it’s something you can’t live with then end it.
Yes you are incompatible..she woukdnt be having sex with others if you weren't being cold and selfish..you are pissed that she has been cheating and you wonder why...if you get pissed and are cold around her and with hold sex as punishment she is lije anyone else..she is goingvto look for attention from elsewhere...you two need to part ways and you need therapy to change your way if thinking and move on..you both deserve happiness but it's not going to be with each other...you two are toxic
you are not suitable for a relationship, from what you write you are full of problems and can't give attention to your girlfriend. Work on yourself, it's you who doesn't know how to interact emotionally.
Bro, honestly are you dumb? Being in a relationship with someone non-monogamous who has no emotional connection with sex? Sounds like she’s a fucking psycho. Why would you even be interested in someone like that?
I would never have started a relationship with a non monogamous woman that comes from a swinging background. I’m not stupid and I respect myself.
I mean right?.... like her whole relationship point of view has been built around non monogamy and you thought your dick game was so strong youd change that?
On top of that, he's not even letting her have the D. Not only she's non monogamous but he has low libido for her. They aren't compatible. Doesn't have to be anyone's fault, but they can't both be happy together.
LMFAOOO!
I know right.
What d game? He's constantly withdrawn from her, withholding sex and intimacy on numerous occasions. Neither one is good for the other. Do yourselves a favor and move on to more compatible partners.
Yes, he was monogamous and she was a swinger. How more mismatched can two people be? Regardless of whether a person is a man or woman, a monogamous person who values that, should stay way from a person who has a history of not being monogamous.
And besides the guy getting involved with a woman who sees sex as something to be distributed, he still doesn't have sex with her, if he doesn't eat someone else will and he doesn't even need her to be a collector of men for that.
You dont forgive someone who has an affair with a friend of yours. You don't forgive a friend who has had an affiar with someone you are with. For you to continue entertaining ideas of making things work after the complete disregard she has shown you is absurd dude. Be better to yourself, move on.
This 100% I've never spoken to my former best friend after I caught him and my ex in bed together. When ever he see's me in the street he crosses over, at a pub/club, he leaves. There are some boundaries that you should never cross and cheating with a friends partner is freaking major one.
Its too bad our laws prevent us from dealing with these situations in the proper way. Its a shame that the laws protect them.
Oh definitely.
100% on this. Been in this situation. I would still punch his fucking eyeballs out again, years later. OP take note that he is a 🐍
I bet there is universal agreement that our laws prevent justice from being done.
I bet the same laws are relied upon by many, not to get a punch in the face. Happens in all facets of life ehh.
And you make sure your supposed friend gets what he gave
Honestly you should not stay with her. People who disassociate sex from romance are generally unhappy in long term committed relationships and are far more likely to be unfaithful. Your Fiance' has proved this to be true over and over again. You'd be better off finding a new partner. If yo stay with her, she'll cheat again.
"People who disassociate sex from romance are generally unhappy in long term committed relationships and are far more likely to be unfaithful." that's my (anecdotal) experience as well
Oh man. Look at yourself please. Her actions led to you becoming someone you never wanted to be. You started this relationship with a clear stance against swinging/non monogamy. You desired a monogamous relationship. Now after she cheated on you each time when you were stressed and focused on your studies, you signed up on dating apps. You took a first step in becoming what you never wanted to be, non monogamous. Even if the conversations were harmless, you talked to woman that you knew wanted to date. That is infidelity. What will happen the next time when your job causes you so much stress that you can't be intimate with her and you find out that she cheated again? You are becoming the very thing you never wanted to be. And NEVER say that she cheated on you because of what you did or haven't done. She could have broke up with you and then turn to other people, that would have been the right thing to do. Not to go behind your back and expose you to STD's. As long as she points with her finger at you for the reason that she cheated, things will never work out, I guarantee you that. She doesn't love you, someone that loves you doesn't treat you like that and lies to you so happily.
I agree with this 💯
Why did you start a relationship with her in the first place?
It sounds like you can’t trust her and she can’t trust herself.
I agree to others. Trying to change someone who was in swinging/open relationship is almost impossible. This relationship was doomed from the start. However I tipp for the next relationship since in my opinion you have also some fault here: -don't start to get cold/distance to your gfs.. Communicate is important mate.
OP yes seems that you both are incompatible. Why? because every time you gone thru depression or not being emotional available to her whatever the reason she will seek to fullfill her needs somewhere and with someone else. You just said it, she sees sex as a release and You don't. She cheated on you 2 times and just for that release because your emotional unavalability. Sorry but you should end this, also let me tell you that it is not completely her fault, even in normal backgrounds or monogamus ones what you did will also be considered not acceptable by your partner, you need to find ways to not relapse in those kinds of behaivors for the sake of future relationships. But once this told/mentioned, cheating is not the answer to this and is not acceptable. UPDATEME
This, I feel like if OP don't change, he will get many problems in the future with other relationship. I doubt many women would like to get same threatment from OP as his girlfriend did. They maybe cheat or broke up with him... He fails to bond a emotional bond to his gf. He fails to realize that being in a relationship is two vs rest of the world, however he just been alone vs the whole world, focus just on himself and ignore his gf needs.
Exactly, and that is why he should seek help to change this or else he will suffer from the same even if he start a relationship with monogamous people.
Wait how can your have relationship with her knowing her lifestyle is very opposite with what you want ?
She doesn't just come from a swinging / non-monogomous background, she has swinging / non-monogomous values. That’s OK for her, and OK for the two if you if those values match with yours. They don't. You are not compatible.
It would be nice if more people accepted that some things are not meant to be and just walk away from them.
Too many people fall for the sunk cost fallacy, not able to see that the past wasn't what they thought, and even if it was it can't be lived again. Decisions have to be made with only the future in mind, one that is happy and fulfilling, or filled with suspicion, triggers, and betrayal.
Are your actions wrong, yes. Do the come to the same level as hers, no flipping way. She had a long term affair with a friend of yours, BEHIND YOUR BACK. You owe absolutely nothing to this woman. I would have already NOPED out of this relationship when I found and saw the saved messages. Best of luck.
You guys are incompatible. She wants you to change to meet her needs. End it, now, before the pain gets worse. She doesn't want to be in a monogamous relationship, so let her go do what she wants. Smile as she leaves. You've dodged a bullet.
You tried to turn a hoe into a housewife....and got shocked when she did hoeish things lol. Move on buddy.
Fucked around and found out I guess.
End the relationship, she was not the right person for you out of the gate. Get therapy and work on yourself so that when life becomes a little stressful, you don’t go into a shell. Life can be both challenging and wonderful at the same time, work to see that, then you can weather life’s peaks and values and stay whole.
This is a train wreck you are in school so you must be fairly a art person I take it . The dumbest thing you could do is Mary this woman . I still shaking my head thinking wtf is this guy thinking . Sure I say stay with her if you love to and will spend your entire life doing this exact same thing. That's why I got married I couldn't wait for my wife to cheat so I could finally. Sweep it under a rug . So she could go it again . Man I always thought of having a couple kids was what I wanted . Na Let's look back . 1) an EA with an old bf 2) a different old bf 3) a friend of yours 4) do you have a brother ? 5) how about a sister 6 ) maybe 1 more friend before you have children just to get it out of her system 7) who knows another old hook up she ran into but it was a mistake see was drinking . 8) well you get the picture here .
Updateme
Updateme!
End it. You're crappy on both sides. She a cheater or nonmonogomous and when you get stressed you fold up, close up shop and leave her nothing. Who the hell wants or needs this?
Make her an ex and dump the so-called friend.
Of course, you chose the wrong partner. That is a given. Whenever there are stresses you shutdown and she cheats, regardless of why, there are no excuses for cheating. And her cheating is mostly based upon her previous sexual lifestyle. And obviously it is way more than just a sexual release. A full on affair is not just a onetime quickie. Casual sex, swinging etc. Is full of problems. Pandora's box never seems to remain fully closed. A person's past is with them for life and as you can easily see mutual consent does not ever mean everyone involved has consented. You certainly did not. The mindset from the past is right there for life and easily is resurrected. Neither of you two seem capable of any permanent change. You cannot get over her acceptance of her past lifestyle and continuing casual sex propensities. And she cannot change her mindset. No, you two are not compatible. Morals, ethics, principles, values, beliefs, character and integrity to her, all are fluid things. To you it is not. And she will always fall short in most all those categories. Long distance is a thing to avoid as much as possible. If we pick the wrong partner nothing will likely ever be right. So as you two continue to age, you 100 % know what will happen if you get sick and cannot meet her sexual requirements. A number of things could happen health wise. Her promises are hollow. You really needed to leave long ago. Sorry.
I’m sorry, you sound like an ahole.
I sure can be.
At the risk of piling on, came here to say the same thing. Why the fck would you ever withhold sex and intimacy??
You're good, you won't hurt my feelings. Just wasn't feeling comfortable or in it enough mindset wise with everything going on in my life. I wasn't doing it maliciously.
Damn if there was ever a couple that should not be together, y’all would be the poster for it. Be single a long time and clean your shit up. Y’all both suck and are extremely toxic. Love does not conquer all.
What did you think would happen when you withheld sex and intimacy from her? Clearly release is important to her. That said, her affair was much more than release
It sounds like you two are just incompatible and have very different boundaries and morals. You will never get over her background and cheating. You will never be able to trust her.
Pontless relationship, I'm sorry but this isn't healthy. Respect yourself and move on, leave her, she doesn't worth it. And you need a lot of work to do.
Here is the thing. Her issues and yours are apples and oranges. She has no sense of loyalty or integrity. None. Period. She didn't cheat awhile back, she has been lying ever since. So she has been cheating this whole time. It's not the act that makes it cheating, it's the lies. You have repeatedly fallen into the same pattern of destructive behavior over and over again. Yet, you still do it. It's one thing to try to reconcile after infidelity but to do so while also needing to completely change yourself? This is purely a recipe for disaster. Break up.
Not only are you incompatible, but your picker is broken. You already know what to do so rip off the band aid and get on with it
Sounds like you need to work on yourself as well. You keep being unavailable and withholding sex. You browse dating apps and text women you find there. You have cheated as well. Both of you need to get your crap together before being in any relationships.
You're not going to get that stuff out of your head. You can't unsee it. Sounds like she needs to be let loose so she can go back to dating orgy guys. YOU need to concentrate on getting your degree done because it sounds like that's something that takes most of your time and effort. Maybe put relationships on the back burner now.
Much too different to honesty blend. Your core is professional while her's is solicitous in nature. Move on.
The fact it was a friend makes this irredeemable. Jesus, I mean its about as bad of a thing as you can do to someone. If you can forgive that... whats the line? I hope this hasn't killed your self esteem because trust me, you can do better than someone who would do one of the worst possible things to you
Man, you guys are on 2 different planets. A monogomous person and a nonmonogomous person have different mindsets about what sex, intimacy, and love in general are. My advice would be to move on. You are only prolonging the heartbreak. Updateme
She sounds manipulative and manipulates the situation to her advantage, all while blaming you. She's cheating with your friend. The last time and now this, she is blaming you for her cheating. YOU are the one who has to change to meet HER needs. What is she doing to change her non monogamous ways? NOTHING, she is deceitful and lies by omission and is cheating on you. I personally would break things off with her and cut off your friend because neither one of them respect you or your relationship. She is controlling you and manipulating you and blaming you to justify her cheating to keep control of the relationship. Your financial infidelity is none of her business UNLESS you are using some of her money. I'm sorry, but I would have dumped her for banging your friend behind your back. She, IMO, won't change, and she will cheat on you because that's what she does.
I'm going to get downvoted to hell for this, but from what you've written so far: 1) You're not a good partner to her. 😉 2) You took a pretty big gamble getting involved with someone you weren't compatible with.
You stay together you will both always be miserable just end it so you can find partners that fit
I think the relationship is doomed. You’re both being unfaithful. Overall, if you can’t forgive her after all these years, it will never happen- this I’m saying from the experience. Also, doesn’t really seem like you value your relationship if you’re looking at dating apps and talking to other people. I’m sure you know what to do.. cut the cord.
>Are we just incompatible? Is this even worth trying to sort out? What do you all make of this, what would you do? - Yes. - And sorry, no. - Its a mess and youre actively excusing her adultery. Me?? Let her down easy, move on. OP.. when things got difficult she chose to cheat. Several times. Things WILL get difficult again - guess what she will do the next time?? This way of responding to difficulties in the relationship is second nature to her - she will NEVER stop handling difficulties any other way. And.. basically you and she view sex and intimacy very differently. Do you see that change?? Will she ever be monogamous?? - until now, she hasnt been able to. Will you ever be able to accept her occasionally seeking others for sex and intimacy??
Time to say goodbye Look, you also were not married and had your chick drive 5 hours whilst you were stressed studying and shit. It is all just a giant mess. You can not ever trust her and should never trust her. So just say goodbye. Simple, obvious and you maintain the ability to look at yourself in the mirror each day. But if you rather be a forced cuckold - then whatever, that is cool also. But it has to be consensual. Do you consent to be cuckolded by this girl?
You're 100% incompatible. Just end it. Block her and go NC. She screwed your friend. Not even a stranger. She has zero respect or love for you. You're no prize either taking your stress out on your partner every time. But that's no excuse for cheating. There is zero chance this relationship ends well or can be repaired. You're both too different and you're way too hurt. So end it move on and never speak to her or your "friend" again.
This. Is one of the few posts I've seen where I cant see fault on one side or the other ,you both play off each other. Sunk cost fallacy.leave and focus on fixing yourself before you get into and screw up another relationship.
You can’t have a monogamous relationship with a non-monogamous person. Of course you are not compatible unless she changes. Sex to her has the same emotional impact as a peck on the cheek. She will never be able to hold it sacred for you alone… move on.
Listen, you need to grow up. Not trying to be mean to you but just being real. You need to grow up, you need to learn to handle your emotions, you need to learn to deal with stress better, and you need to lose your girl friend. However, nothing you did or did not do caused her to cheat. It may be strange for a male to withhold sex, but not unheard of. That along with the things above you might need to talk with a therapist about. I mean a guy as young as you are, having this type of/this much stress is a bad sign for the future. No matter how much are you are studying, you need to be able to handle stress. Life is stressful. But her cheating is not your fault. Listen, the adult thing to do is get rid of her. She is not for a serious mono relationship and may never be. If your school is that difficult and stressful, maybe you should not be in a relationship with anyone until you are finished. But your relationship with her SHOULD BE DONE, no matter what she want. She is not for you.
You were incompatible to begin with. As evidence of that presented itself to you you proceeded to ignore it. After the cheating, which should have confirmed the original assessment that you were incompatible you again chose to ignore it and attempt to proceed with the relationship. Only for infidelity to rear it's ugly head yet again How many times do you need confirmation that you are incompatible? But the most important question is why are you ignoring all the confirmation. Get to the bottom of that question and you should be able to see very clearly that the two of you should have never been in a relationship right from the start.
She will always cheat on you no matter what you do,she'll just get better at hiding her infidelity. Run now, and don't ever start a relationship with a non-monogamous person unless you intend to have a non monogamous relationship. Updateme!
Maybe you are to blame, maybe she is, or maybe no one is. Only one thing is certain. You should not be with her!
I’m surprised you two made it this long as a couple. By your own admission, you have not given her a “normal” amount of care and affection. Previously being non monogamous and a swinger, I’m guessing she likes more care and affection. You on the other hand sound like a mess. Cheating is never okay and if you break up over it you are totally justified. Either way, you need to get your shit together, in your current state, I don’t think you can have a healthy relationship with anyone. Take care of yourself, I hope you get better
Love is sometimes not enough. You can’t give each other what u each need. Remain friends and move on. Wish each other well in finding someone more compatible.
*"A leopard never changes its pots"* I believe you are in love with the idea of her but not her reality. Move on my man. You can thank me later.
Why stay together. You both are a mess and need to get yourselves together individually. Sleeping a your boyfriend's friend is a deal breaker. There is no reason to come crying about that, it was done purposely the second time and more afterwards. Just put both of yourselves out of misery and move on. She expects your great earning potential out of you, that is all. She will cheat on you once you are married. If you can't see that, then she has AMAZING sex, which she gives to other people as well. Do you want to finance her sexual appetite and cry at home wondering who she is giving herself to? Just end it already.
I think the fact that after 6 years you didn’t get married is a red flag. Clearly you didn’t want to close the deal. Find a new girl, casually date, don’t get engaged unless you want to get married. Don’t get married unless you want kids.
I'm going to be really blunt to the point that you may be offended, but I believe you need to hear this..... Get yourself into therapy to figure out why you want to keep rolling around and wallowing in this sh!tpile. Sheesh. Have some self-respect. Also get into therapy to learn how to communicate like an adult rather than a petty, immature child. Closed off, coldness, distancing, withholding is incredibly unhealthy and immature. Learn how to COMMUNICATE with partners with compassion, full honesty, transparency and empathy. Your methods of "communication", the coldness, distance and withholding, is massively unhealthy. Also learn how to deal with stress in a healthy way. If I were your girlfriend, I'd dump you and never look back if you ever treated me like that. I have zero tolerance for that kind of manipulative, unhealthy, behaviour. Grow up and learn how to be a healthy adult and partner.
You sound terrible for each other.
"Are we just incompatible?" Yes you are OP and you knew that then and you know it now. That isn't the question (whether you're compatible or not). The question is what you are going to do about it? You'll either choose to stay with someone you're not compatible with or you won't. Your life and your choice. To her credit, she let you know this right away so good on her. You went into this with your eyes wide open.
She will never deny herself intimacy. She even got it from a friend OF YOURS. Either be her c*ck or let her go
You need to separate. You are not compatible. You need to work on yourself before being in. Another relationship and she has shown herself to be untrustworthy. While you were unavailable to her, she should have broke things off instead of cheating. There is never a reason to cheat. In addition her blaming you clearly shows no to reconciliation
Why did you propose to a swinger? You guys have different views on relationships and are not compatible. You want to be loyal and she doesn’t. Just ask for the ring back and go your separate ways. You’re not ready for a relationship and she wants random D.
You aren’t at all a match. She needs to be with someone who will have an open relationship with her. It’s OK that you don’t want that, but she needs to realize that you aren’t the right fit for her either. UPDATEME
You are definitely incompatible!! You should never have started a relationship with her knowing "she comes from a swinging / nonmonogomous background". But, you should also not have "sometimes withhold sex and intimacy". Sounds like you did that often. Personally, I am surprised she wants to stay with you!! End the relationship so you can both find happiness with people that are compatible.
What would you do? Should I get a dog, what flavour of ice cream should I get🤣
You have very poor judgment. Life has a way of rewarding you for very poor judgment, but you lose a lot of years.
She told you from the start she's going to want to fuck multiple people. That's what swingers do. They are looking for the excitement of cheating but pretending it's ok. But it also sounds like your about as stable as a hydrogen bomb too.
I wasn't always like this I swear.
She explicitly told you she was non-monogamous. I hate cheaters, have been cheated on and it ruined my life for awhile. But my friend, that's not what she is here. You tried to make her to be something that she told you she's not and you got burned. I would have loved so much if my worthless ex wife had told me she wasn't capable of being with only me. I would broken up with her after she said that because we wouldn't be compatible and that I very much only like to have one woman at a time. Square peg in a round hole man. Lesson learned, hopefully.
Sometimes domesticating a street cat can’t be done
You two are not compatible. It doesn't have to be your or her fault, you just won't ever both happy together. Her relationship to sex is different to your, and you seem to also have a huge libido discrepancy.
Incompatible on several fronts. She comes from a non monogamy background you don't. You would be seen as weak for not combating your jealousy... Because apparently some folks don't care who thier partner sleeps with... That's not you darlin. You need someone who isn't going to add to your stress pile and has enough going on with themselves not to step out on you and won't cheat to meet thier " needs" . If they were that strong she should have left. If she knew this would crush you she should have had a conversation with you telling you how dire it was and how neglected she felt. She owed you that much. And she should have had enough respect for herself and you to just leave. They make toys that can relieve the bodily b.s. They make porn that can give you an aire of excitement without involving other people. The issue is she wanted to be desired. That was the thing. It wasn't even the sex, she wanted to feel wanted. And she was willing to hurt you to get it. She made a choice,a series of bad choices when it comes to you. If all you can see when you are with her is her with another guy, then and this thing. Don't dangle hope in front of her, because it's cruel and you don't have to go low. You are better than that. I would get some counseling so you can get over this trauma. Why go for the poly one when you dont share? Masochist? I mean, I get it .. no one MEANS to get connected to the wrong person. It happens. But you are doing something very hard. That needs the lions share of your focus. That's epic dude. That's where it is. Not making a long distance affair ridden relationship work... That's exhausting. Let her go,wish her well And be single while you get your degree in hand. Maybe she wants to just be your fwb... With the express under that it will never go further and you are done as a couple? I mean .. I don't agree with that setup .. but it's probably all she can manage... but that might suck when the time comes to just end it. Maybe drop all of it full stop... Because getting over it is never going to be easier if you invest more time. So if I were you, I'd hit the road. Find a girl near you who is busy too and smart af and getting after her own money. And see how you can make the most of your small windows of time.
You made a huge mistake by even getting into a relationship with someone like her and it’s been a shit show ever since. Newsflash OP, her behavior is NOT going to change. It’s who she is and she’s shown you that over and over. Do yourself a big favor, believe her actions and end this disaster.
Ask yourself this. Are you a better or worse person because of her? Right now I see someone with trust, anger, intimacy and communication issues and you’re not even the bad guy in this. Simply put, she’s a disaster and she’s pulling you down to her level. I think you thought you would make her a better person, it’s the opposite. Unless this is who you want to be, end it.
I used to be an angry janitor and now I'm halfway done my training to become a doctor. There have been a LOT of positives in this relationship too.
So let’s frame this a little bit. You did a fair job of describing your own shortcomings. You were cold, distant, stressed, etc. it’s not just her libido and sex that she’s missing. It’s intimacy. It’s being made to feel like you love her. Yes, she has the ability to set emotions aside for sex, but that doesn’t mean she has no emotions. She still loves you, but you keep abandoning her. Either it’s because you’re five hours away, or even right there but in your stress, you cast her aside and retreat inward. In those times that you’re stressed, reach out to her and let her help you decompress. Make her feel important in your life. You’re abandoning her and then talking about YOUR trauma from cheating. How about her trauma from being abandoned by you? She’s still willing to work things out, but you’re unsure because you don’t like the way she responded when you left her alone and to her own devices. Read all that twice then call her and talk.
You're the only one that has it right. Should we do couples counseling and fix this or just call it a destroyed relationship and move on?
Dude, she loves you and has proven she wants to work it out. Give it your best chance. If that means couples counseling then do it. Most of your problems will be solved by making her a primary part of your life. Don’t just tell her you love her. Show her you love her. Do that every day and you’ll be set.
To give you some more context - she got together with me when I was a bum. She invested 60k of her own savings after being together for a year to zero my school debt when we decided to move and go to grad school together. She describes never actually wanting nor needing another person in her life but simply wanting my love, intimacy and affection. Throughout both grad degrees I have been more of a roommate at times and this has been when she's strayed. She cries begging me for more romance and I just sometimes don't have it in me. She got tired of begging and pleading and trying to figure out solutions. I've worked on myself a lot to heal this stuff and whenever I'm an actual partner to her everything is wonderful. She obviously loves me very, very much despite her horrible actions. On my end I have spent nearly 20k behind her back (thankfully got most of it back) and have had eyes on other people because of our issues. This as well as the coldness I mentioned. One could argue the pain I caused her these last 5 years is worse than what she did to me. That's why I'm trying to understand what others would do in my situation. She's engaged in some terrible actions but so have I.
Yeah, the more you tell me the more I say she’s a keeper. Here’s some perspective for you. July 10th is the hearing with the judge for my uncontested divorce. We separated 7 years ago. If you ask my wife, she has told everyone I cheated on her and that’s why we are getting divorced. She doesn’t tell people that our bedroom was dead for more than 6 years. For 3 years we had sex only 3 times a year. Then for 3 years, it was zero. She doesn’t tell people that I told her we were going to have an open marriage. No, I didn’t “ask”. I told her it was going to happen. She didn’t ask me if I wanted to be celibate when she decided to become frigid. She didn’t want to divorce, but she didn’t want to have sex either. And it wasn’t just the sex. It was the love, affection, and intimacy that went with it. Loving someone with all your heart and having them push you away repeatedly is a soul sucking experience. Here is the analogy I gave my wife. She never understood this, but I think it’s a spot on analogy. If I agree to eat at only your restaurant, but your restaurant is usually closed, how many days, weeks, months, must I go hungry and unfed before I finally eat somewhere else? If the reason I eat somewhere else is because you were closed, how much of the fault is mine? I’m willing to accept some, but not all fault because I didn’t “want” to eat elsewhere. I “had” to eat elsewhere because I was starving. I was wasting away because I felt unloved and of no value. In fact, I was feeling used. I kept giving, but I wasn’t receiving. So, look again at your situation. Did he “want” to eat elsewhere? Or are you just upset that she did when you were closed for business? She has invested a lot of time, effort, and even money to make a life with you. She deserves to see her investment pay off. She deserves a good life with you. Don’t make the same mistake my now ex-wife did.
She did not and still does not want anyone else, that's obvious. She just wanted a good relationship. I'm just unsure if I can forgive her actions given just how calculated and deceitful they were you know?
Yes, I know. That’s why I gave you the restaurant analogy. You own part of that guilt as well. Is it fair to say that if the restaurant were open she would not have gone somewhere else? She is forgiving you. You should forgive her and forgive yourself. Hit the reset button. Start with a clean slate.
I'm willing to consider this, but I don't know if I can get over it.
That’s something only you can answer. Are you going to get over it when you’ve moved on, you’re ignoring someone else who ends up cheating on you, and your current GF has found someone who appreciates her?
The stoic perspective if what you and my fiance have in common is true is that what's done is done and if she and I both do the work to change it would be no different than getting in a new relationship even though I know that this is a very unpopular opinion here.
End the engagement. You are a monogamous person, she views sex as a totally physical act that can be done with anyone that she finds interesting. Life won’t get better for you if you stay with her. Honestly, once you found out that she came from a swinging background and you were not a swinger, you should have walked away.
Why do you seem to describe her cheating as an emotional affair that consisted of texting and picture exchanges. You said they met infrequently during this time. Do you really think they were not cheating physically during those meet ups?
You two -> not compatible. And there's no justification for her cheating; right thing would have been to break up, not betray you.
MN you used fine words to describe the situation . But look closely, she made a mistake but you didn't help her in any way, did you make a celibacy agreement with her? No, so as you think you're going to have a long-distance relationship, she drives for hours to come to you, logically wanting to have sex with you and comes back with nothing! Cheating has no justification but I want to know why she didn't leave you instead of cheating on you, cheating to stay your girlfriend . I think you should look for a woman who is already in menopause so you can leave her without sex and she will still be calm.😎
Not compatible my friend. Move on.
I feel this situation, but I was lied to my husband is a serial cheater and probably would have been nonmongomous in today environment but we didn’t have terms like that when I was younger. However he thinks nothing of texting and being inappropriate with everyone of my friends, and he lies and deny’s. So I feel for the writer situation but I would say you two just come from different worlds. One could see it as she was emotionally supportive of you when you shut down and need time to be de stressed from your hard coursework. Support comes from both ends, and her not understanding what you were going through and why you may of not been as intimated was also on her as well…..
She wasn’t emotionally supportive to you*
Well she has never been interested in nonmonogomous relationships since we've been together, she just begged and pleaded for my attention, love and intimacy, which I didn't give her. She should have left instead of doing what she did, but in her words stayed because she believed I could change.
Cheating is a dealbreaker for me regardless of what happened before. It is like dropping an atom bomb on the entire situation. it is a betrayal and a very basic level and the trust is gone. Because of that I personally would not stay with that person, regardless of what they said. That and cheaters are liars, and they usually cheated again
It’s over. Pull the plug.
She’s doesn’t “REALLY” want to work it out. She got caught and notice she immediately blamed you for not giving her what she needed. You need to leave if you have any remaining self-respect
You are not compatible. It’s that simple. And you shouldn’t have to change to meet her needs anymore than she should change to meet yours. In a regular monogamous relationship, if one of the couple is cold and distant the other will make it known that they’re not happy and eventually will end the relationship if things don’t improve. But her first instinct was to look for someone else that could give her what she felt was missing from you. And that’s because that’s how she’s always viewed relationships. Multiple partners can provide me with different things. So for her it was a natural step. Probably didn’t view it as cheating. And that will be her first instinct going forward. Both of you would need to be vigilant to make sure she doesn’t stray again. And leaving aside the incompatibility, she did a couple of things that even those practicing ENM would have balked at. Firstly she had agreed to be monogamous but then went back on her word without discussing it with you first. But secondly, and the most egregious in my opinion, she opened up the relationship with a friend of yours. Without making sure you were comfortable with her choice. That for me would be a line she couldn’t un-cross.
You both are incompatible and you also need to learn how to deal with stress instead of becoming distant.
There is no hope for someone like you. You have to learn the hard way. And the one lesson you will learn from this when you are in your 60's (if you get there) is that what you do when you are in your 20's and 30's is the basis for success or failure when you get much older. Cheers.
OP - Why would you try to make a wife out of a woman who isn't wife material? Her ability to pair bond with you is virtually gone just based on the number of men (and women) she's been intimate with thus far. Dude... I know you care for her, but you REALLY need to look out for yourself. If you marry her, she will never remain faithful to you (or anyone really) and she will eventually seek greener pastures elsewhere... taking half of everything you spent your life accumulating with her. More if you have children together. End this fantasy now, because that's all making a person of easy virtue into a spouse is.,, a fantasy.
Why you choose toxic lifestyle person. Why you except loyalty from cheater.
Bueno mi amigo, es toda tu culpa y en lugar de estar pidiendo consejos, ya la hubieras terminado hace bastante tiempo, no se que esperabas si también eres una persona terriblemente egoísta y mentiste, finalmente parece que son tal para cual, aguántate y ve a dónde va aunque sabes en el fondo como terminará! Aún estás ahí no? Bueno eso significa que quieres seguir y ella simplemente quiere tener algo estable sin dar mucho a cambio, tiene la relación perfecta y solo basta un par de lágrimas y humillaciones para que te haga dudar.
It's sad but neither of you are capable of a true loving relationship. She betrayed you physically and you betrayed her emotionally, You can't just drop your life bs and she can't just drop her needs. Time to end the farce and work on yourselves as individuals. Please stop your inability to truly see each other as anything other than tools.
You can’t change people man if that’s what she likes and what she wants and you knew that going in either get on board or end it. If it’s something you can’t live with then end it.
Yes you are incompatible..she woukdnt be having sex with others if you weren't being cold and selfish..you are pissed that she has been cheating and you wonder why...if you get pissed and are cold around her and with hold sex as punishment she is lije anyone else..she is goingvto look for attention from elsewhere...you two need to part ways and you need therapy to change your way if thinking and move on..you both deserve happiness but it's not going to be with each other...you two are toxic
Was the affair physical? Updateme
Very
I hope she’s your ex girlfriend now.
you are not suitable for a relationship, from what you write you are full of problems and can't give attention to your girlfriend. Work on yourself, it's you who doesn't know how to interact emotionally.
Both at fault, breakup.
Rage bait fake story
Bro, honestly are you dumb? Being in a relationship with someone non-monogamous who has no emotional connection with sex? Sounds like she’s a fucking psycho. Why would you even be interested in someone like that?
This is a sad post, and I have real empathy for you, but I could never get an urge to check emails and things.....never.