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My baby is 18m old and right now my name is mama, mm-my and ma-mmma. It’s so so adorable.
When we talk about her Nanna, she knows who we’re talking about. She has only ever been Nanna. When she sees her, she exclaims ‘Nanna!’ It’s also adorable - luckily for us she is a JYMIL.
No matter what, you are your child’s mum. You are mummy/mommy/mama, whatever it is, you are *hers* and you belong to her.
DH might need to step in - I am glad he backs you up. He needs to shut it down. It’s okay for your stepson to keep calling her mom, that’s between them, don’t interfere there. Don’t worry about it causing confusion - it might for your daughter but it’s not the end of the world.
If MIL is going to alienate herself because she doesn’t get the grandma name she wants, oh well. She’s a big girl.
My ex MIL pulled this BS too, and I told her flat out it was not going to happen. This was my hill to die on, and told her if she continued with her crap that my son would call her "that lady he has only seen in pictures."
She is not mama - you are. Plain and simple! You can have her be called Nana, it’s easy enough of a change. My youngest cousin couldn’t say abuelita, and now all of the grandkids, no matter how old, call her Tita, because that’s what baby cousin says. Also weird that she doesn’t want to be around baby until her name is decided on?
You are Mama. Period.
She can be Mee-Maw, Gram, Nana, Mimi, Granny, etc. She’s not taking Mama from you - and if she pushes it she can Grandmother Last Name. If she really pushes it, she can be The Grandmother We Don’t See Anymore.
My family is huge. We have grandma (my grandma so my kids' great grandma), grandma first name (my mom), nanni (my former MIL) and grammy (my MIL). They're names developed naturally based on what we, the parents, called them in order to differentiate. The grandparents, aside from my own grandmother, never chose their names. My grandma was grandma before I was born because she used to run an in home daycare and all those kids were like grandchildren and called her that so, when my cousin and I were born (her first grandchildren), we called her what our parents and the other kids called her.
Personally, my kids went from calling me mommy to mom to now mama so all "mom" names were immediately off limits period.
Never had a problem with the grandpas.
The kid can't even speak yet, barely even can comprehend what they are hearing and she is refusing to be around the baby much until her name is decided? Manipulative and Selfish....call her ManFish. Now she can be around the baby.
Seriously thou stick to you guns, she is not mama to your daughter. Since she won't be apart of this you and husband decide a name. I vote for Grandmother First Name Last Name so it sounds all formal and stuffy and will stick in her craw everytime she hears it...and use it a lot.
Kids are smart. They’ll pick up on it and not call her mama and call her what you and DH (and other child) calls her. How does the 11yo feel about calling her “mama” still? Does the
Child call you mom/mama? Seems like it would be an opportune time to change to Grandmama.
Otherwise call her granny, nanny, memaw- or anything she hates and the new baby will pick it up. Trust me.
Two sisters married two brothers- and we were the first batch of grandkids we called them mom’s side grandma/grandpa and dad’s side grandma/poppop. When the other set of grandkids were born they tried to use ethnic versions of grandma and grandpa on the dad’s side and nope the existing names stuck.
If she loves her grand babies so much, she will come around. Depending on how involved she is, you can just show the baby her pic and say 'grandma' over and over.
She's not gonna be around until a name is decided? So getting her way with her name is more important than seeing her new grandchild? Idk if she even deserves to called grandma with that attitude. But yeah, definitely not mama
Dear God don't allow this. She is working to undermine your role as a mother. I had a mother like this and she nearly destroyed my family. She is a grandmother only. Put her in her place immediately.
Please consider your stepson’s feelings here,he matters more than adult ego.
I was the child in this exact situation and called my grandmothers Momma First Name or just Momma for more than 10 years before my younger sibling came along and their parent we don’t share wanted to change that naming system. With so much already changing with a new parent,new baby in the house,preteen angst,etc it truly felt like I was meant to fall through the cracks and no longer mattered when something that had been a concrete fixture was supposed to change too because it wasn’t good enough for the “new baby” but had been fine for me. You shouldn’t intentionally differentiate things between your partner’s children unless you want your stepson to feel “second family syndrome” and as if they’ve been replaced. I called my mother Mom/Mommy and never had a hard time knowing who was who.
This reply makes the most sense, would the OP honestly use Mama anyway, the default is usually Mommy/Mummy isn’t it? You don’t want to accentuate the differences between the children and stepson has already decided the name. Kids aren’t stupid, they know the difference between their Mum and Grandma, regardless of what band they choose to use.
But is MIL the type to use this against OP. Sounds like she was left to be the mother role to the older child. Was she one of those ones that just takes over and over rides anything the father wanted/decided? Will she try to force that with the younger one even if the mom is in the picture?
If there is any type of issues with control setting this boundary might be needed. OP will have to think about that and decide if this is worth the fight. Also think about if MIL is the type to play favorites. Will she favor the child that calls her Mama, the one she had a huge part in raising?
My mom called her mom Mama. So when my sister and I were born, we called her Grandmama. I never heard anyone drop the Grand part. She was always Grandmama.
Your feelings on the matter are perfectly valid and it is good that your partner is being supportive.
Personally, I did not have any innate objections to Mama for a grandmother. My cousins called our grandmother Mama (pronounced Mahmuh) for most of our lives even though she was their maternal grandmother and they lived with their mum. I will say that the way your MIL is choosing to handle this situation is giving me pause, it reads a little like she is hoping that pressure from your stepson to see her and a desire from either you or your partner for her to spend time with your daughter will influence you into her way of thinking. I would be less inclined to acquiesce at this point.
What does your stepson call you? Assuming it is not Mama, what he and your daughter call you will be different anyway, so them calling their grandmother different names shouldn't be a problem.
Your MIL is ridiculous! Personally, I would not call her grandmama because that will very quickly be shortened to mama while your children are learning to speak… then she get just what she wants. Gigi, Granny, Ouma, Nonni, Nonna or grumpy old woman all work great! Maybe you should ask your stepson to help you pick a good name for the baby to use from a list? He might like being involved and then maybe if the name was chosen by him for baby to use MIL might be more amenable.
No it wouldn’t be confusing. My mum is a grandma x7 and each grandkid calls her something different, the kids know they all call her something different but they don’t care, they know no matter what the other sibling / cousin call her, “nanny” “grandma” “nanna” all the kids know it’s referring to her.
If u r not okay with it then the answer is no and that is final. It’s a very weird troubling request and frankly I’m offended for you. But I also understand there could be cultural things at play I am not familiar with.
I think despite her being a primary caregiver to her grandson that it was odd she chose to be called mama. Again it could be cultural but with her son as an active dad still in the picture I wouldn’t feel comfortable being called mama because the implications of being mom to her own sons child?? That’s ick to me.
U should feel ok to say “I am mama so let me know what u choose to be called and we can try to work it out but mama is taken by me, the mother.” Do not apologize. If she’s mama what did she expect u to be called? Lol probably baby incubator in her mind sad to say.
Not confusing at all. My mother had a late in life child and he called our Grandmother something totally different from over 2 dozen grandchildren.
Mix the name in the bud and have LO something you and DH agree on
“No. I am mom, mama, mommy, maemaw, mawmaw, mammy, maemae. Anything that sounds like mom is my name. You can be nanna, grandma, gram, grammy, granny, your name, your Nick name. But my child will not call you any version of mother.”
My mom’s mother was GrandMama, her dad was GrandDa. If you’re at all willing to entertain that (I know it’s still got mama in it), I think GrandMama could be a compromise.
She can’t seriously think that Mama is an appropriate name for her in this situation (unless there’s a cultural element where Mama is a common title for grandmothers). I get that she played a mother figure role for your stepson, but that’s not the relationship your daughter will have with her. You’re Mama. End of story. She’s got to get over it.
I think having their first name as part of their title is crucial. It implies that they understand the difference between parent and grandparent. It’s a clear verbal distinction. Love that.
When my kids were younger sometimes they called my mother who babysat them. Mom but they always called me Mama or Mommy. They knew the difference. They ended up calling her nama which was perfect
in my experience, kids sometimes just call grandma’s whatever they want. my mom wanted a new-age play on her name but my niece calls her “mom” (after hearing all of us say it). an aunt wanted “grandmother” and my cousin calls her “nana”. definitely stress a variation of grandma at home, though!
My neice and nephew call their grandparents (my parents) Old Mom and Old Dad. The kids came up with that on their own and still call them that 20-some years later.
I’m Nana to one, Nanny to another, and the littlest one has yet to name me. I’m happy with whatever they decide. (Three different adult children with one child each, so no influences.)
we all use “granny” for literally all of our grandmas, so my mom opting for something else was funny to us. even funnier when my niece started calling her mom. i don’t care what my kids call her as long as they know the difference!
OMG - please call her "not the mama" like that old Dinosaur show. My dad is called 3 different names - Both my siblings has kids before me and very staggered in age. By the time I had kids, we chose a name for clarity . . . and it stuck.
I think the whole concept of people choosing their name like that is absolutely ridiculous. You are the mom/mama/mum/mamma etc etc etc. so tell her she’s grandma and if a nickname develops then that’s fine. But not mama, that’s yours. You don’t have to earn it, because you already earned it by giving birth to the baby
Different names for the grandparents are fine. It’s completely normal many places
Absolutely not. You're the mama, period. Start calling MIL by her first name to your daughter so she calls her that.
As an aside, my (step) sister calls her grandfather "dad", because she lived with her mom and grandparents when she was little and her mom called him "dad" so she did too. It just stuck. She always called him dad (yes to outsiders it probably sounded gross but it was innocent). Our older brother called him grandpa, I referred to him as grandpa and our younger brother called him grandpa. No one was confused in our household and it didn't seem abnormal until I was older. So your children will be fine with her having different names from each child. I knew who my sister was referring to when she said dad and she knew who I was referring to when I said dad. Step and half siblings navigate this all of the time. They don't always have the same grandparents or parents even.
Absofruitly not. YOU are mama. You birthed her, she is yours, you get to make the decisions.
If your MIL is usually tolerable you could try compromising with "nana" or "oma" or something like that.
Based on her weird ultimatum, I'm guessing this isn't the first time she's caused issues. You're allowed to say no to difficult people when it comes to your kids. The 11yo has a completely different experience, it makes sense for him to say mama.
I would attempt to do "nana" but expect a lot of resistance. Don't let her wear you down. If you feel yourself about to lose it or give in, you can post in here and we'll remind you that you have earned "mama" in every way!! MIL shouldn't be trying to take it from you.
That is true in our family too. Maybe the new baby will invent her own special name for grandma when she starts talking. But grana should not encourage "mama" with her.
My two grandsons call me one name, my granddaughter calls me another. They are siblings, and it gets complicated, but it's fine. So one grandchild can call her Mama, and your daughter should never! If my grandkids accidently call me Mom, I gently say my name. Or I say, "Hi (brother's name.") We laugh and make it a game.
While my EXJNMIL was deciding on ridiculous names that my kids could never say and changing her mind every 10 seconds my mom said:
I don't care what they call me, as long as they call.
Maybe tell her that a friend of yours mom said this and watch the shocked pikachu face! It was glorious when I got to tel her that!
It’s up to you really. My kids call their grandma “Nonna” (No-naa) nothing along the lines of sound like mom, I’m mom, mommy, mama, all of the above. I think mama is a mom name not a grandma name.
Mama is a mother's privilege not a MILs. Tell her to keep her narcissism to herself. She is mawmaw, grannie, grandma or possibly even nana, but she is NOT mama - that's your title.
The kid will figure out their own name for grandma. No matter how desperately my mom wanted to be called “Nanna”, all of my brothers kiddos called her “grandma”, they wouldn’t budge. When I had my daughter, she also refused to call her anything but “grandma “, likely because the others did. Then comes my son, and for some unknown reason, when he started talking, he called her “MeMaw”. Now and forever not, she is “MeMaw”
Is mama really your preferred name? If so then she can't use it. I would use mom/mommy, mama reminds me of Big Mama (Big Mamas house movie) and its common for grandmothers along with maw maw and mee maw. But maybe it's just in my area.
Idk if it’s a cultural thing. We called our eldest aunt “ma” and her husband “big daddy” (lol now typing that name out sounds silly to strangers but it was just what we did.) May they RIP.
I still call my mom- Mommy, ma, mom. Even though I’m a whole grown person. Mama isn’t something we do in our culture.
It’s so silly to not spend time with her grandchild over a name dispute, I mean honestly. Can she not compromise on Grandmama? You’re fully within your rights to say no. Sorry OP
IF MIL doesn't want to be around your baby, that feels like a win. What your SO's ex was willing to tolerate and what you are willing to tolerate are unrelated. If she was willing to be supplanted as "mama," that does not obligate you. Tell MIL you've decided she's "Granny." Granny can come visit but "Mama" will need to stay home until she readjusts her expectations.
As for confusing your stepson, chances are he and your daughter will be calling \*you\* different names. It's okay to call MIL different names too.
Hard boundary you are mom and she can be grandmother don’t let this lady guilt trip you if she’s willing to stay away because of the name then let her stay away she will come back
Absolutely not. I would tell her no, I'm Mama and the kids will get used to it. My youngest gave my MIL the name Papa. She's the only one who calls her that. Everyone else calls her grandma. It is nit confusing. Maybe if you are comfortable she can be grandmama as a compromise.
>said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided.
This is so damn manipulative!! It makes me so angry 🤬 I guess she doesn't care about your daughter enough unless can get what she wants. F her! I guess she will be named, "grandma we never see!"
It would not be confusing at all for your children to call her different things, especially with the age gap. You may have to work extra hard to ensure that your daughter doesn’t call MIL “mama” as she will hear your stepson calling her that but it’s definitely possible. You 10000% have earned being called mama and this old lady doesn’t get to take that away from you, whether for convenience sake or because she secretly wants to be mama. Pleeeeease shut that shit down!
Honey... I say this with love. Are you f'ing kidding me? You're actually questioning if your child should call you mama?
You ARE mama.
Your MIL should have very limited access to YOUR child. She's already told you everything you need to know. She wants to be the mom. And she's brazen.
She’s not their mama. You are. If she wants someone to call her mama, she needs to get that from her son. Tell her that she can be any version of grandma that she wishes, but she doesn’t get mama. Tell her that this is not up for debate. You are not being unreasonable or overly sensitive or any of that crap. Wanting someone else’s child to call you mama is just inappropriate.
Say NO. Tell her that YOU are the mama, not her. If she persists, have consequences at the ready.
Probably best if you and your SO decide on them ahead of time.
Also, that he have a conversation with 11 year about the fact that Grandma is not, in fact, Mama. His child doesn’t call her that because she cared for him. He calls her that because she insisted that he do so. That woman is warped.
My kids called my mil Grammy with George because her dogs named George. My mom was Grammy with kitties because she had two cats. Kids call them what they want to call them.
My mom has 7 kids, and she decided each individual family would call her a different name. Think like Gram, Gigi, Memaw for example.
My oldest nephew calls her Gram, and now 20 years later, each and every one the grandkids does as well.
She can want what she wants, but if you don’t reinforce it, it won’t happen.
Goodness, that sounds like a lot. Why do you think she wanted different grandma names for each family? I can’t imagine trying to keep that all straight. What would family gatherings have been like?? It seems like that would have been so confusing.
I have 5 siblings, 5/6 of us have kids now, all the grandkids call her the same thing, which is what we called her growing up. This has never been an issue for us though, because my mom was never “mama” or “mom” or “mommy”. Her mom title is something that our oldest sibling came up with as a toddler, she loved it, and she has been (unique name) ever since.
When I was pregnant with the first grandchild, I asked if she would become “grand(unique name)”. (It would have been cute, IMO.) She stated, without hesitation, that she would retain the name we (her kids) had always called her. Her logic: “I’m not the one who’s changing.” (The implication being that I was the one who was changing, because I was the one having the baby).
If she had been called “mommy” or “mama” or anything like it, I would have put up a fight. I have wanted to be mama since before I had kids and I feel that was my right as a parent. But since my mom’s mom name was so unusual, it seemed perfectly reasonable to let her keep the title without tacking “grandma” onto it or changing it outright.
She has 11 grandkids so far and 5/6 of us are married. Everyone (us kids, our respective spouses, and the grandkids) calls her her original mom name. I cannot fathom calling her anything else.
"Mama" is the first term for mother in unrelated languages worldwide, spoken by a vast majority of humanity: English, Chinese, Spanish, Swahili, Welsh, Indonesian...
It is the instinctual human term for a primary caregiver. To not allow you that name is to deny your status as mother.
I find it weird that people who DIDN'T birth(nor are the step/adoptive) the child want to be called mama by that child. You are mama and if she really wants to damper her relationship with her granddaughter because she wants the title of mama then your daughter is better off without her in her life anyways.
OP, stand your ground and advise your MIL that whilst step son calls her Mama because she probably was the mother he didn't have, your daughter has a mother and that is you so the option of being referred to as Mama by your daughter is not on the table. It is Grandma, Granny, Nan or her Christian name but she will not be addressed by any name that is along the lines of Mama, Mommy, Mother etc
Also ask her why as a mother would she try and give herself a title that would imply she is also the mother of your child!
Absolutely not. Can understand the stepson calling her mama because she mostly raised him but you will be raising your daughter so she will have a mama. This should not be confusing. Pick 3 grandma names and let her choose which one to use. Call her that in front of the daughter as she grows up from a baby and there will be no confusion.
Currently having this exact same conversation with my MIL - she wants to be “momma” because “that’s what feels natural” to her. I was so stunned in the moment I didn’t say much and let my husband handle, but in retrospect I wish I had very directly told her that was not happening and to not bring it up again. The audacity!!!
Thanks for the response. It’s interesting how names vary country to country. In Aus, mothers are almost exclusively Mum/mummy. I’ve never heard anyone actually use Mama for a mother IRL.
Funnily enough, I'm Aussie and my kids call me "Mama" now. There's a 4yr age gap, so my first kid believed "this is my baby now" and took teaching the baby very seriously. Big kid spent HOURS sitting in front of the baby saying "I am (NAME). This is MUM. This is DAD." When the baby finally spoke, the first word was "Mama" because, you know, babies say that.
My big kid was so proud of their "teaching", and wanted to encourage more talking, so they started calling me Mama and, it just kind of stuck. They never reverted to Mum. Honestly, it reminds me of how sweet they were together so I love it. My husband still refers to me as Mum but the kids don't care haha
I agree. In the US, only babies/young toddlers say mama as it is the easiest for them to pronounce. They typically move on to mommy then mom. Mother is very formal and not used too often. Usually when being sarcastic-“Yes Mother” “Mother Dearest” is not a compliment 😂.
Any version of mom/mum or whatever your culture uses to recognize the primary female birth parent should NOT be used for the grandmother-she already had her turn as a mom.
Isn’t coming around until her name is decided? What is that nonsense?
If you’re not comfortable with it, you can say no. Your step son is old enough to understand that his sister’s situation is different from his own.
My ex husband was the first grandchild and he called his grandmother MaMa pronounced Ma-Ma. It stuck and all the rest of the grandchildren followed suit. Her mother was Big Mama. I’m not sure who named her. So it’s not uncommon, but I think your feelings should absolutely be respected.
I also want to add that my ex MIL could be a bit much and wanted to be called Mopsy when I was pregnant with my oldest. We told her we would go with the flow and let our son decide. She was so obnoxious with insisting we teach the baby to call her Mopsy that my ex husband finally told her that he was going to teach the baby to call her Budlight. That shut her up. So, you could always try that tactic.
My baby pronounced gramma as mama for a bit and I had to swallow my urge to scream. As she improved vocabulary it went from mama to gamma to gramma. My name was "ommy" until she got it to mommy. So I see how a "mama" can be a name that might stick for some people. I'm glad my mom called herself gramma and didn't seem to encourage the mama, instead of refusing to visit until she could claim the title. That's bonkers.
Be direct and say no, that is the name for the actual mother. Also, tell her the best names are the ones the kids make up on their own. I called my one grandma “Grams”. But my other grandma got my brother a tool belt for Christmas one year and it was so cool we all called her “Grandma Toolbelt” after that. We still call her Grandma Toolbelt. ❤️
My dad was chronically late for everything! I started calling him half-time as he showed up halfway through every event and the name stuck! It was mostly a joke as I found it quite irritating, but it became hilarious once all of the grandkids referred to Grandpa as “Halftime” for the rest of his life🤣
IMO: It’s weird that the older kid calls her Mama unless they call their mom something distinctly different.
I come from a large extended paternal family. My oldest cousins called all of their grandparents “Maw-Maw & Paw Paw LastName.” Therefore, that’s what we all call them.
If OP and SO call yourselves “Mama and Dad,” or whatever, that’s what baby will know YOU as. Everybody else gets what they get. You can’t both be Mama, so it’s Grandma, Mimi, Big Momma, Grammy, etc.
Lastly, I spent much of my baby/ toddler years with my mom’s parents, and they referred to each other as “Grandma & Grandpa” in front of us. It’s not hard.
I think it’s up to you and what you are comfortable with. I am Mami, while my mil and mom are mami x mama x. My nephews call my mom grandma but she’s older now while I had my oldest at 18 (I’m 37now). My other nieces and nephews call my MIL different variations of Mami x. I’m fine with that ever my kids call them. Never bothered me.
Tell her, "Mama is not an option. That's *my* name. You can choose from Grandma, Nana, or Susan." Don't let her do "Mimi" or "Meemaw" either because she will start sliding it to sound more like "Mama."
This is a situation where you just address it directly to her with no I’m not comfortable with that because I’m mama
Than everytime she’s around little one always address and correct her as grandma
So how does your husband feel when your SS calls him daddy and your MIL mama out in public? That’s really gross! Husband should have put his foot down a long time ago about that. SS could call her Big Mama instead. Southerners back in the day would sometimes call grandparents Big Mama and Big Daddy. They even used those names for the grandparents in the movie “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” starring Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman. Would you consider compromising on that title for MIL?
I would just say “let’s call you grandma and see what she comes up with on her own.”
My son is 3, we called my mom “grandma” until he started to talk. He chose to call her “Guy” lol. He can say grandma now, and he will occasionally refer to her as that. But 90% of the time she is “Guy”. It’s adorable and sweet, and she doesn’t ever want to be grandma again.
My grandma was called “Grammy” up until I was about 15 by all my cousins as well. My uncle finally had kids (big age gap between my mom/older uncle and him) and the oldest ended up renaming her “Mimi” so now that’s what we call her.
All that to say it won’t exactly matter. But if you are gonna be “Mama” stand your ground and tell her no. If she threatens her own relationship with this new baby then that’s on her. This is your motherhood experience, she got to do it with her own son AND 11yo already. It’s your turn now.
Sometimes the child decides for themselves what they will call people. I really really wanted to be called Mama. I mean really bad… I got Mom/Mommy. I’m fine with it now, three adult kids later, but damn I tried hard to get Mama…. Good luck and I mean that!
My mom had the opposite experience with me! I called her "Mama" or specifically, the Cantonese term for "Mom/Mother". My younger sisters referred to her as "Mommy" in English, which implies a closer mother-child bond than "Mama" does. She playfully (I think...?) lamented that I never called her "Mommy". I was an adult with 2 degrees and a job by then and I was just not going to start calling her "Mommy" in my late 20s. Sorry, Mama!
lol, call her BIG mama. Insist 7-year old do as well, so LO doesn’t become confused. You and DH can start calling her that right away so the title sticks for 7-year old and LO.
When I was a toddler, I couldn't say grandma. I called my grandmother "mama". My mother wanted to be called mama, my kids call her nanny. Kids will settle on whatever they feel comfortable with or can pronounce. Queen Elizabeth was "gan-gan".
My MIL is Grandma to my children but Nanny to my niece. Just pick the name you want, always refer to her by that name with your daughter and it'll stick. Your SS has a different relationship than your daughter will have and it's fine if they call her different names. Make this your hill.
Three of my grandchildren have 3 different names for me .. sometimes it’s weird lol, but it is what it is.. your MIL can’t demand your child to call her Mama. That is out of line
I'm granny to one grandchild and nanny to the other. No problem at all. Tell her to get over herself. By the way, I wanted Gran from both but here we are!!
Sorry on this one, if she's already mama to one grandchild, makes sense for her to be "mama" for all.
Also, I call my grandmother on my mom's sidd Mama (maybe it's a Texas thing) and it didn't seem to take away from the natural progression of mama-mom with my own mother.
I don't really think this makes her a justno.
What about this part?
>The difficult part is my MIL is pushing for the name mama and said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided.
I'd say that makes her a HUGE JustNo. But! It may work in OP's favour, because little one won't know her at all. If OP keeps her foot down about this, the baby will grow up to MIL being a stranger.
Win-win.
Tell her you understand, but that the gift of a grandparent name is best by the grandchild. Does she want to wait that long with your daughter? Meanwhile, at home, call her grandma firsthname. Smart baby will pick up on it.
Of course you earned mama, mama! You aren't wrong for feeling this way. Grandma had her turn being mama once legitimately and stole her second turn because nobody was paying attention.
Stepson is old enough to understand and probably won't give a hoot. Heck, he may even start calling her grandma too. That would be pretty funny imo.
It's not going to be confusing if your kids use different terms for her. They'll know who they're talking about.
>said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided.
The person who ultimately decides what to call her is *the child*. Whatever term is decided on now, your daughter may call her something totally different later.
Also, is she 12? "What you choose for daughter to call me is more important than me spending time with her." is almost hilariously immature. The petty part of me would put off announcing the term you're gonna use and call her on it next time she brings it up. (Avoiding calling it her "name" the whole time. Gives me the ick for some reason)
The best part is you control the situation. Put a photo of her on the fridge, and each day point to it and say your preferred name for her.
Whenever she arrives, point to her and say “grandma is here.”
She might say “no, I’m mama,” to which you can reply “no, this is my daughter, and I am her mama.”
This is the way. No confrontation needed. You are mama. She is grandma. She doesn’t get to claim your title. That’s ridiculous and I would treat it as a nonissue. Because it is.
If she decides to make a *thing* out of it, I would simply play confused. “I’m sorry MIL but I’m the mother. I don’t understand why you are upset at being called grandma when that is what you are. Why are we even having this conversation? I’m sorry you feel that way.” Give her the most non-apology apology you can get away with.
Then continue to refer to her as grandma. She can be pouty all she wants but that doesn’t magically turn her into the mother instead of grandmother. What a silly goose she is!
I would seriously just keep saying “but you are grandma, I’m so confused. Why would you think you should be called mama of my child?? Silly grandma” make her explain her nonsense and when she cannot, just keep on calling her grandma.
Gama. One letter difference.
But honestly, if she insists, just say well I guess you won't be seeing her for the foreseeable future. As im her mama... mama and dada.. are kids first words. Its a power move. Dont let her have it. You'll be fighting the rest of your life. Also dont leave her alone with your daughter, she'll try to teach her to call her that. Especially with how hard shes pushing already.
My daughter is two and we just came to an agreement on what my MIL will be called. She wanted to be Lolli since my FIL is Pop Pop… “Lolli-Pop” I said absolutely not.
This is a hill I would die on. She says she isn’t going to be around your daughter much until her name has been decided sounds like a way she is trying to manipulate you into agreeing. IMO her not wanting to spend much time would only be more incentive. She seems to care more about what she will be called vs spending time with her grandchild and sounds like it’s more about control. She absolutely knows the significance of being called mama. Ask her how she would have felt if her kids called her MIL mama.
My kids call/called me mommy and also mama. My MIL wanted to be mama either and I told her over my dead body. I was ready and willing to not allow her access until she agreed that she wouldn’t refer to herself as mama to any child of mine.
If it’s confusing for the older son to call her mama and not your baby, it should be easy to explain to your son since he’s older. Say it’s because she helped to raise him. For your daughter you can say the same. Or say that her and her half brother have different mothers. It won’t be so confusing to her as she gets older.
"I understand and respect you've been mama to step son. But you haven't and won't be that to my daughter. Your role in her life is as her grandmother not her mom"
Also.. that's a win. Bye bye mil.
Final Q.... what if you took over the role of mom to your step... would she be but hurt by that? My step calls me mama because that's the role I fill and what step decided for my name.
I like that approach.
I take my step to school and cook dinner, wash his clothes etc and do all the things I would do for my daughter. He asked what I would like to be called and I said anything that he thinks would be appropriate. So I get a mix of my first name and ‘mummy first name’… I answer to any because I don’t expect to replace his mum and his grandma who he calls mama. He does see his mum on and off but I would never want him to think I’m trying to replace her.
Make this a hill to die on - if she's so set on what she's called being Mama (which she can't pretend she doesn't understand significance of) that she won't be around your daughter unless it's what she's called, then she's really not interested in being a grandma - meaning, it's not about your daughter, or you. If she insists it's not a big deal, then you can point out it that then it shouldn't be a big deal to not be called Mama. She's literally making her relationship with your daughter a power trip to show her matriarch position.
I would tell her I feel grateful not to have her looney self around me and MY baby and leave it at that. Oh, and tell her she will NEVER be called mama by your daughter!
Your MIL doesn’t want to be around your 7 week old baby until her name is decided? This sounds kind of ridiculous. In my opinion Mama is short for Mommy & Mother. You’re not wrong! Grandma should not be called Mama.
My best friend growing up called his father dad and his sister called the dad uncle (weird family dynamic). My best friend did not question why his sister called dad uncle until he was like 12 years old. When asked later on he said he thought it was a nickname and didn’t think anything of it.
Nope! She is a grandma and she never should have let her grandchild call her mama. I would refer to her as grandma every time you talk about her. You are the mama and yes, you did earn that right. The 11 year old is old enough to understand so you won't be confusing him.
She can want what she wants but it doesn’t mean she’s going to get it. It’s up to you.
If she wants to be called Mama, she can have her own baby. Ask her why she wants to be called that. I’m sure it was her idea with the first baby
She finds the title more important than the actual relationship. Let her know that and that she’s trying to play victim in a situation she’s creating herself.
Call her out when she starts crying to people about “not being allowed to see the babyyyyy”
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My baby is 18m old and right now my name is mama, mm-my and ma-mmma. It’s so so adorable. When we talk about her Nanna, she knows who we’re talking about. She has only ever been Nanna. When she sees her, she exclaims ‘Nanna!’ It’s also adorable - luckily for us she is a JYMIL. No matter what, you are your child’s mum. You are mummy/mommy/mama, whatever it is, you are *hers* and you belong to her. DH might need to step in - I am glad he backs you up. He needs to shut it down. It’s okay for your stepson to keep calling her mom, that’s between them, don’t interfere there. Don’t worry about it causing confusion - it might for your daughter but it’s not the end of the world. If MIL is going to alienate herself because she doesn’t get the grandma name she wants, oh well. She’s a big girl.
#**FUCK NO!!** Let that deluded bitch be Gigi or something. Maybe Granny just to piss her off.
My ex MIL pulled this BS too, and I told her flat out it was not going to happen. This was my hill to die on, and told her if she continued with her crap that my son would call her "that lady he has only seen in pictures."
You are Mama. She can be Nana. It's close.
She is not mama - you are. Plain and simple! You can have her be called Nana, it’s easy enough of a change. My youngest cousin couldn’t say abuelita, and now all of the grandkids, no matter how old, call her Tita, because that’s what baby cousin says. Also weird that she doesn’t want to be around baby until her name is decided on?
You are Mama. Period. She can be Mee-Maw, Gram, Nana, Mimi, Granny, etc. She’s not taking Mama from you - and if she pushes it she can Grandmother Last Name. If she really pushes it, she can be The Grandmother We Don’t See Anymore.
My family is huge. We have grandma (my grandma so my kids' great grandma), grandma first name (my mom), nanni (my former MIL) and grammy (my MIL). They're names developed naturally based on what we, the parents, called them in order to differentiate. The grandparents, aside from my own grandmother, never chose their names. My grandma was grandma before I was born because she used to run an in home daycare and all those kids were like grandchildren and called her that so, when my cousin and I were born (her first grandchildren), we called her what our parents and the other kids called her. Personally, my kids went from calling me mommy to mom to now mama so all "mom" names were immediately off limits period. Never had a problem with the grandpas.
MIL can be called “Big Mama” or “Me-maw.”. Or “Ma-moo”.
The kid can't even speak yet, barely even can comprehend what they are hearing and she is refusing to be around the baby much until her name is decided? Manipulative and Selfish....call her ManFish. Now she can be around the baby. Seriously thou stick to you guns, she is not mama to your daughter. Since she won't be apart of this you and husband decide a name. I vote for Grandmother First Name Last Name so it sounds all formal and stuffy and will stick in her craw everytime she hears it...and use it a lot.
Kids are smart. They’ll pick up on it and not call her mama and call her what you and DH (and other child) calls her. How does the 11yo feel about calling her “mama” still? Does the Child call you mom/mama? Seems like it would be an opportune time to change to Grandmama. Otherwise call her granny, nanny, memaw- or anything she hates and the new baby will pick it up. Trust me. Two sisters married two brothers- and we were the first batch of grandkids we called them mom’s side grandma/grandpa and dad’s side grandma/poppop. When the other set of grandkids were born they tried to use ethnic versions of grandma and grandpa on the dad’s side and nope the existing names stuck.
I mean it sounds like a win-win to me. Say no, don’t pick a name, and bonus! Grandma stays away.
If she loves her grand babies so much, she will come around. Depending on how involved she is, you can just show the baby her pic and say 'grandma' over and over.
That’s weird that she wants to be called that. The older son can call her that and your kid can call her grandma
She's not gonna be around until a name is decided? So getting her way with her name is more important than seeing her new grandchild? Idk if she even deserves to called grandma with that attitude. But yeah, definitely not mama
Uuuuh, that name is taken though, isn't it? I mean, you're mama. Please don't allow this.
Dear God don't allow this. She is working to undermine your role as a mother. I had a mother like this and she nearly destroyed my family. She is a grandmother only. Put her in her place immediately.
Please consider your stepson’s feelings here,he matters more than adult ego. I was the child in this exact situation and called my grandmothers Momma First Name or just Momma for more than 10 years before my younger sibling came along and their parent we don’t share wanted to change that naming system. With so much already changing with a new parent,new baby in the house,preteen angst,etc it truly felt like I was meant to fall through the cracks and no longer mattered when something that had been a concrete fixture was supposed to change too because it wasn’t good enough for the “new baby” but had been fine for me. You shouldn’t intentionally differentiate things between your partner’s children unless you want your stepson to feel “second family syndrome” and as if they’ve been replaced. I called my mother Mom/Mommy and never had a hard time knowing who was who.
This reply makes the most sense, would the OP honestly use Mama anyway, the default is usually Mommy/Mummy isn’t it? You don’t want to accentuate the differences between the children and stepson has already decided the name. Kids aren’t stupid, they know the difference between their Mum and Grandma, regardless of what band they choose to use.
But is MIL the type to use this against OP. Sounds like she was left to be the mother role to the older child. Was she one of those ones that just takes over and over rides anything the father wanted/decided? Will she try to force that with the younger one even if the mom is in the picture? If there is any type of issues with control setting this boundary might be needed. OP will have to think about that and decide if this is worth the fight. Also think about if MIL is the type to play favorites. Will she favor the child that calls her Mama, the one she had a huge part in raising?
My default is Mama. A baby will say Mama WAY before they ever say Mommy.
My mom called her mom Mama. So when my sister and I were born, we called her Grandmama. I never heard anyone drop the Grand part. She was always Grandmama.
Your feelings on the matter are perfectly valid and it is good that your partner is being supportive. Personally, I did not have any innate objections to Mama for a grandmother. My cousins called our grandmother Mama (pronounced Mahmuh) for most of our lives even though she was their maternal grandmother and they lived with their mum. I will say that the way your MIL is choosing to handle this situation is giving me pause, it reads a little like she is hoping that pressure from your stepson to see her and a desire from either you or your partner for her to spend time with your daughter will influence you into her way of thinking. I would be less inclined to acquiesce at this point. What does your stepson call you? Assuming it is not Mama, what he and your daughter call you will be different anyway, so them calling their grandmother different names shouldn't be a problem.
Your MIL is ridiculous! Personally, I would not call her grandmama because that will very quickly be shortened to mama while your children are learning to speak… then she get just what she wants. Gigi, Granny, Ouma, Nonni, Nonna or grumpy old woman all work great! Maybe you should ask your stepson to help you pick a good name for the baby to use from a list? He might like being involved and then maybe if the name was chosen by him for baby to use MIL might be more amenable.
No it wouldn’t be confusing. My mum is a grandma x7 and each grandkid calls her something different, the kids know they all call her something different but they don’t care, they know no matter what the other sibling / cousin call her, “nanny” “grandma” “nanna” all the kids know it’s referring to her.
If u r not okay with it then the answer is no and that is final. It’s a very weird troubling request and frankly I’m offended for you. But I also understand there could be cultural things at play I am not familiar with. I think despite her being a primary caregiver to her grandson that it was odd she chose to be called mama. Again it could be cultural but with her son as an active dad still in the picture I wouldn’t feel comfortable being called mama because the implications of being mom to her own sons child?? That’s ick to me. U should feel ok to say “I am mama so let me know what u choose to be called and we can try to work it out but mama is taken by me, the mother.” Do not apologize. If she’s mama what did she expect u to be called? Lol probably baby incubator in her mind sad to say.
Not confusing at all. My mother had a late in life child and he called our Grandmother something totally different from over 2 dozen grandchildren. Mix the name in the bud and have LO something you and DH agree on
“No. I am mom, mama, mommy, maemaw, mawmaw, mammy, maemae. Anything that sounds like mom is my name. You can be nanna, grandma, gram, grammy, granny, your name, your Nick name. But my child will not call you any version of mother.”
MIL doesn't get to make demands on your child. Your DH needs to shut that shit down, if she says she won't visit, OH WELL!
My mom’s mother was GrandMama, her dad was GrandDa. If you’re at all willing to entertain that (I know it’s still got mama in it), I think GrandMama could be a compromise. She can’t seriously think that Mama is an appropriate name for her in this situation (unless there’s a cultural element where Mama is a common title for grandmothers). I get that she played a mother figure role for your stepson, but that’s not the relationship your daughter will have with her. You’re Mama. End of story. She’s got to get over it.
My in laws are Mama [First name] and Poppa [First name]. So it doesn't bother me. If they were just Mama and Poppa, I'd be upset.
I think having their first name as part of their title is crucial. It implies that they understand the difference between parent and grandparent. It’s a clear verbal distinction. Love that.
What about Grammama? If you call her that the older one will probably transition to that at some point as well.
When my kids were younger sometimes they called my mother who babysat them. Mom but they always called me Mama or Mommy. They knew the difference. They ended up calling her nama which was perfect
What the fuck
in my experience, kids sometimes just call grandma’s whatever they want. my mom wanted a new-age play on her name but my niece calls her “mom” (after hearing all of us say it). an aunt wanted “grandmother” and my cousin calls her “nana”. definitely stress a variation of grandma at home, though!
My neice and nephew call their grandparents (my parents) Old Mom and Old Dad. The kids came up with that on their own and still call them that 20-some years later.
I’m Nana to one, Nanny to another, and the littlest one has yet to name me. I’m happy with whatever they decide. (Three different adult children with one child each, so no influences.)
we all use “granny” for literally all of our grandmas, so my mom opting for something else was funny to us. even funnier when my niece started calling her mom. i don’t care what my kids call her as long as they know the difference!
OMG - please call her "not the mama" like that old Dinosaur show. My dad is called 3 different names - Both my siblings has kids before me and very staggered in age. By the time I had kids, we chose a name for clarity . . . and it stuck.
My MIL is the exact same! She wants to be called Ma-ma too
Just tell her I’m mama, you can be grandma, granny, gran, Grammy, meemaw, Mimi, whatever.
Mimi is a good substitute. I will say kind of weird that a grandma is so insistent that her grandchild calls her “mama”.
It is weird, and this is at least the third time I’ve seen a post like this. 😆
I think the whole concept of people choosing their name like that is absolutely ridiculous. You are the mom/mama/mum/mamma etc etc etc. so tell her she’s grandma and if a nickname develops then that’s fine. But not mama, that’s yours. You don’t have to earn it, because you already earned it by giving birth to the baby Different names for the grandparents are fine. It’s completely normal many places
Absolutely not. You're the mama, period. Start calling MIL by her first name to your daughter so she calls her that. As an aside, my (step) sister calls her grandfather "dad", because she lived with her mom and grandparents when she was little and her mom called him "dad" so she did too. It just stuck. She always called him dad (yes to outsiders it probably sounded gross but it was innocent). Our older brother called him grandpa, I referred to him as grandpa and our younger brother called him grandpa. No one was confused in our household and it didn't seem abnormal until I was older. So your children will be fine with her having different names from each child. I knew who my sister was referring to when she said dad and she knew who I was referring to when I said dad. Step and half siblings navigate this all of the time. They don't always have the same grandparents or parents even.
Absofruitly not. YOU are mama. You birthed her, she is yours, you get to make the decisions. If your MIL is usually tolerable you could try compromising with "nana" or "oma" or something like that. Based on her weird ultimatum, I'm guessing this isn't the first time she's caused issues. You're allowed to say no to difficult people when it comes to your kids. The 11yo has a completely different experience, it makes sense for him to say mama. I would attempt to do "nana" but expect a lot of resistance. Don't let her wear you down. If you feel yourself about to lose it or give in, you can post in here and we'll remind you that you have earned "mama" in every way!! MIL shouldn't be trying to take it from you.
My mom is called one name by four grandkids and the fifth (youngest) calls her another name. It works just fine.
That is true in our family too. Maybe the new baby will invent her own special name for grandma when she starts talking. But grana should not encourage "mama" with her.
My two grandsons call me one name, my granddaughter calls me another. They are siblings, and it gets complicated, but it's fine. So one grandchild can call her Mama, and your daughter should never! If my grandkids accidently call me Mom, I gently say my name. Or I say, "Hi (brother's name.") We laugh and make it a game.
While my EXJNMIL was deciding on ridiculous names that my kids could never say and changing her mind every 10 seconds my mom said: I don't care what they call me, as long as they call. Maybe tell her that a friend of yours mom said this and watch the shocked pikachu face! It was glorious when I got to tel her that!
It’s up to you really. My kids call their grandma “Nonna” (No-naa) nothing along the lines of sound like mom, I’m mom, mommy, mama, all of the above. I think mama is a mom name not a grandma name.
Mama is a mother's privilege not a MILs. Tell her to keep her narcissism to herself. She is mawmaw, grannie, grandma or possibly even nana, but she is NOT mama - that's your title.
The kid will figure out their own name for grandma. No matter how desperately my mom wanted to be called “Nanna”, all of my brothers kiddos called her “grandma”, they wouldn’t budge. When I had my daughter, she also refused to call her anything but “grandma “, likely because the others did. Then comes my son, and for some unknown reason, when he started talking, he called her “MeMaw”. Now and forever not, she is “MeMaw”
If she is not going to be around much until her name is decided I would take my sweet time. You either want to be her or you don't
Is mama really your preferred name? If so then she can't use it. I would use mom/mommy, mama reminds me of Big Mama (Big Mamas house movie) and its common for grandmothers along with maw maw and mee maw. But maybe it's just in my area.
Say no - you don’t like it. You have always envisioned being mama. Maybe she can be g-mama. I have heard that before and it’s not far off.
Idk if it’s a cultural thing. We called our eldest aunt “ma” and her husband “big daddy” (lol now typing that name out sounds silly to strangers but it was just what we did.) May they RIP. I still call my mom- Mommy, ma, mom. Even though I’m a whole grown person. Mama isn’t something we do in our culture. It’s so silly to not spend time with her grandchild over a name dispute, I mean honestly. Can she not compromise on Grandmama? You’re fully within your rights to say no. Sorry OP
Call her memaw. Close enough.
And henceforth, MIL shall refer to OP as Queen or Majesty
I'd teach her to say Grumpy Granny. Could be shortened to Gigi.
That’s a no from me, Dawg. We use Nana in our family because it’s easier for the littles to say. You could also try Gigi.
Hello, grandmama! 🧚
IF MIL doesn't want to be around your baby, that feels like a win. What your SO's ex was willing to tolerate and what you are willing to tolerate are unrelated. If she was willing to be supplanted as "mama," that does not obligate you. Tell MIL you've decided she's "Granny." Granny can come visit but "Mama" will need to stay home until she readjusts her expectations. As for confusing your stepson, chances are he and your daughter will be calling \*you\* different names. It's okay to call MIL different names too.
Hard boundary you are mom and she can be grandmother don’t let this lady guilt trip you if she’s willing to stay away because of the name then let her stay away she will come back
Girl she needs to be called Granny cause she got cranky granny vibes big time. You are the Mama.. end of story.
I like granny because it's the \*least\* like mom or mama.
Yusssss..
Tell grandma to not let the screen door hit her where the good lord split her. You are the only mama.
Absolutely not. I would tell her no, I'm Mama and the kids will get used to it. My youngest gave my MIL the name Papa. She's the only one who calls her that. Everyone else calls her grandma. It is nit confusing. Maybe if you are comfortable she can be grandmama as a compromise.
>said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided. This is so damn manipulative!! It makes me so angry 🤬 I guess she doesn't care about your daughter enough unless can get what she wants. F her! I guess she will be named, "grandma we never see!"
Hell no. She's grandma. You are mama. I don't know why you would ever even entertain anything else. This is the hill I would die on. Good luck OP.
It would not be confusing at all for your children to call her different things, especially with the age gap. You may have to work extra hard to ensure that your daughter doesn’t call MIL “mama” as she will hear your stepson calling her that but it’s definitely possible. You 10000% have earned being called mama and this old lady doesn’t get to take that away from you, whether for convenience sake or because she secretly wants to be mama. Pleeeeease shut that shit down!
> said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided what the fuck
Sounds like problem solved to me
Honey... I say this with love. Are you f'ing kidding me? You're actually questioning if your child should call you mama? You ARE mama. Your MIL should have very limited access to YOUR child. She's already told you everything you need to know. She wants to be the mom. And she's brazen.
Just start calling her Grandma to you LO. Nothing else. Problem solved
She’s not their mama. You are. If she wants someone to call her mama, she needs to get that from her son. Tell her that she can be any version of grandma that she wishes, but she doesn’t get mama. Tell her that this is not up for debate. You are not being unreasonable or overly sensitive or any of that crap. Wanting someone else’s child to call you mama is just inappropriate.
Say NO. Tell her that YOU are the mama, not her. If she persists, have consequences at the ready. Probably best if you and your SO decide on them ahead of time. Also, that he have a conversation with 11 year about the fact that Grandma is not, in fact, Mama. His child doesn’t call her that because she cared for him. He calls her that because she insisted that he do so. That woman is warped.
….weird and fuck no
My kids called my mil Grammy with George because her dogs named George. My mom was Grammy with kitties because she had two cats. Kids call them what they want to call them.
Simple answer here ... No! Whether MIL likes it or not.
My mom has 7 kids, and she decided each individual family would call her a different name. Think like Gram, Gigi, Memaw for example. My oldest nephew calls her Gram, and now 20 years later, each and every one the grandkids does as well. She can want what she wants, but if you don’t reinforce it, it won’t happen.
Goodness, that sounds like a lot. Why do you think she wanted different grandma names for each family? I can’t imagine trying to keep that all straight. What would family gatherings have been like?? It seems like that would have been so confusing. I have 5 siblings, 5/6 of us have kids now, all the grandkids call her the same thing, which is what we called her growing up. This has never been an issue for us though, because my mom was never “mama” or “mom” or “mommy”. Her mom title is something that our oldest sibling came up with as a toddler, she loved it, and she has been (unique name) ever since. When I was pregnant with the first grandchild, I asked if she would become “grand(unique name)”. (It would have been cute, IMO.) She stated, without hesitation, that she would retain the name we (her kids) had always called her. Her logic: “I’m not the one who’s changing.” (The implication being that I was the one who was changing, because I was the one having the baby). If she had been called “mommy” or “mama” or anything like it, I would have put up a fight. I have wanted to be mama since before I had kids and I feel that was my right as a parent. But since my mom’s mom name was so unusual, it seemed perfectly reasonable to let her keep the title without tacking “grandma” onto it or changing it outright. She has 11 grandkids so far and 5/6 of us are married. Everyone (us kids, our respective spouses, and the grandkids) calls her her original mom name. I cannot fathom calling her anything else.
She’s just quirky, and wanted to be different from her peers
"Mama" is the first term for mother in unrelated languages worldwide, spoken by a vast majority of humanity: English, Chinese, Spanish, Swahili, Welsh, Indonesian... It is the instinctual human term for a primary caregiver. To not allow you that name is to deny your status as mother.
I find it weird that people who DIDN'T birth(nor are the step/adoptive) the child want to be called mama by that child. You are mama and if she really wants to damper her relationship with her granddaughter because she wants the title of mama then your daughter is better off without her in her life anyways.
OP, stand your ground and advise your MIL that whilst step son calls her Mama because she probably was the mother he didn't have, your daughter has a mother and that is you so the option of being referred to as Mama by your daughter is not on the table. It is Grandma, Granny, Nan or her Christian name but she will not be addressed by any name that is along the lines of Mama, Mommy, Mother etc Also ask her why as a mother would she try and give herself a title that would imply she is also the mother of your child!
Absolutely not. Can understand the stepson calling her mama because she mostly raised him but you will be raising your daughter so she will have a mama. This should not be confusing. Pick 3 grandma names and let her choose which one to use. Call her that in front of the daughter as she grows up from a baby and there will be no confusion.
Currently having this exact same conversation with my MIL - she wants to be “momma” because “that’s what feels natural” to her. I was so stunned in the moment I didn’t say much and let my husband handle, but in retrospect I wish I had very directly told her that was not happening and to not bring it up again. The audacity!!!
I’ve seen this exact scenario on this sub a lot. Is Mama common for a mother in the US, as opposed to Mom/Mommy?
For a mother, yes. For a grandmother? No.
Thanks for the response. It’s interesting how names vary country to country. In Aus, mothers are almost exclusively Mum/mummy. I’ve never heard anyone actually use Mama for a mother IRL.
Funnily enough, I'm Aussie and my kids call me "Mama" now. There's a 4yr age gap, so my first kid believed "this is my baby now" and took teaching the baby very seriously. Big kid spent HOURS sitting in front of the baby saying "I am (NAME). This is MUM. This is DAD." When the baby finally spoke, the first word was "Mama" because, you know, babies say that. My big kid was so proud of their "teaching", and wanted to encourage more talking, so they started calling me Mama and, it just kind of stuck. They never reverted to Mum. Honestly, it reminds me of how sweet they were together so I love it. My husband still refers to me as Mum but the kids don't care haha
Oh my entire gosh that is the sweetest thing ever!! What a precious story to look back on.
I agree. In the US, only babies/young toddlers say mama as it is the easiest for them to pronounce. They typically move on to mommy then mom. Mother is very formal and not used too often. Usually when being sarcastic-“Yes Mother” “Mother Dearest” is not a compliment 😂. Any version of mom/mum or whatever your culture uses to recognize the primary female birth parent should NOT be used for the grandmother-she already had her turn as a mom.
Isn’t coming around until her name is decided? What is that nonsense? If you’re not comfortable with it, you can say no. Your step son is old enough to understand that his sister’s situation is different from his own.
My ex husband was the first grandchild and he called his grandmother MaMa pronounced Ma-Ma. It stuck and all the rest of the grandchildren followed suit. Her mother was Big Mama. I’m not sure who named her. So it’s not uncommon, but I think your feelings should absolutely be respected.
I also want to add that my ex MIL could be a bit much and wanted to be called Mopsy when I was pregnant with my oldest. We told her we would go with the flow and let our son decide. She was so obnoxious with insisting we teach the baby to call her Mopsy that my ex husband finally told her that he was going to teach the baby to call her Budlight. That shut her up. So, you could always try that tactic.
My baby pronounced gramma as mama for a bit and I had to swallow my urge to scream. As she improved vocabulary it went from mama to gamma to gramma. My name was "ommy" until she got it to mommy. So I see how a "mama" can be a name that might stick for some people. I'm glad my mom called herself gramma and didn't seem to encourage the mama, instead of refusing to visit until she could claim the title. That's bonkers.
Be direct and say no, that is the name for the actual mother. Also, tell her the best names are the ones the kids make up on their own. I called my one grandma “Grams”. But my other grandma got my brother a tool belt for Christmas one year and it was so cool we all called her “Grandma Toolbelt” after that. We still call her Grandma Toolbelt. ❤️
My dad was chronically late for everything! I started calling him half-time as he showed up halfway through every event and the name stuck! It was mostly a joke as I found it quite irritating, but it became hilarious once all of the grandkids referred to Grandpa as “Halftime” for the rest of his life🤣
IMO: It’s weird that the older kid calls her Mama unless they call their mom something distinctly different. I come from a large extended paternal family. My oldest cousins called all of their grandparents “Maw-Maw & Paw Paw LastName.” Therefore, that’s what we all call them. If OP and SO call yourselves “Mama and Dad,” or whatever, that’s what baby will know YOU as. Everybody else gets what they get. You can’t both be Mama, so it’s Grandma, Mimi, Big Momma, Grammy, etc. Lastly, I spent much of my baby/ toddler years with my mom’s parents, and they referred to each other as “Grandma & Grandpa” in front of us. It’s not hard.
Meemaw or Mimi are pretty easy transitions for the older child.
The older child needs to be prioritized here and not expected to deal with yet another change.
I think Mimi is fine. Simple. But my favorite ever is, “Grandma’am.” So fun. Very Southern.
I think it’s up to you and what you are comfortable with. I am Mami, while my mil and mom are mami x mama x. My nephews call my mom grandma but she’s older now while I had my oldest at 18 (I’m 37now). My other nieces and nephews call my MIL different variations of Mami x. I’m fine with that ever my kids call them. Never bothered me.
What about Grandmama?
That’s what I called my mom’s mom — I love it, I think it could be a reasonable compromise.
“No. Choose something *reasonable* or I will choose for you.”
Tell her, "Mama is not an option. That's *my* name. You can choose from Grandma, Nana, or Susan." Don't let her do "Mimi" or "Meemaw" either because she will start sliding it to sound more like "Mama."
This is a situation where you just address it directly to her with no I’m not comfortable with that because I’m mama Than everytime she’s around little one always address and correct her as grandma
So how does your husband feel when your SS calls him daddy and your MIL mama out in public? That’s really gross! Husband should have put his foot down a long time ago about that. SS could call her Big Mama instead. Southerners back in the day would sometimes call grandparents Big Mama and Big Daddy. They even used those names for the grandparents in the movie “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” starring Elizabeth Taylor and Paul Newman. Would you consider compromising on that title for MIL?
Love that movie !
I would just say “let’s call you grandma and see what she comes up with on her own.” My son is 3, we called my mom “grandma” until he started to talk. He chose to call her “Guy” lol. He can say grandma now, and he will occasionally refer to her as that. But 90% of the time she is “Guy”. It’s adorable and sweet, and she doesn’t ever want to be grandma again. My grandma was called “Grammy” up until I was about 15 by all my cousins as well. My uncle finally had kids (big age gap between my mom/older uncle and him) and the oldest ended up renaming her “Mimi” so now that’s what we call her. All that to say it won’t exactly matter. But if you are gonna be “Mama” stand your ground and tell her no. If she threatens her own relationship with this new baby then that’s on her. This is your motherhood experience, she got to do it with her own son AND 11yo already. It’s your turn now.
Sometimes the child decides for themselves what they will call people. I really really wanted to be called Mama. I mean really bad… I got Mom/Mommy. I’m fine with it now, three adult kids later, but damn I tried hard to get Mama…. Good luck and I mean that!
I tried hard to be called mama with my youngest, it never worked.
My mom had the opposite experience with me! I called her "Mama" or specifically, the Cantonese term for "Mom/Mother". My younger sisters referred to her as "Mommy" in English, which implies a closer mother-child bond than "Mama" does. She playfully (I think...?) lamented that I never called her "Mommy". I was an adult with 2 degrees and a job by then and I was just not going to start calling her "Mommy" in my late 20s. Sorry, Mama!
lol, call her BIG mama. Insist 7-year old do as well, so LO doesn’t become confused. You and DH can start calling her that right away so the title sticks for 7-year old and LO.
Or old mama 😂
When I was a toddler, I couldn't say grandma. I called my grandmother "mama". My mother wanted to be called mama, my kids call her nanny. Kids will settle on whatever they feel comfortable with or can pronounce. Queen Elizabeth was "gan-gan".
My MIL is Grandma to my children but Nanny to my niece. Just pick the name you want, always refer to her by that name with your daughter and it'll stick. Your SS has a different relationship than your daughter will have and it's fine if they call her different names. Make this your hill.
If the SS calls her something different, it will be confusing to the little sister.
Three of my grandchildren have 3 different names for me .. sometimes it’s weird lol, but it is what it is.. your MIL can’t demand your child to call her Mama. That is out of line
I'm granny to one grandchild and nanny to the other. No problem at all. Tell her to get over herself. By the way, I wanted Gran from both but here we are!!
My mum wants grandma but from my brothers daughter got nanny and seems really happy just to be a grandparent.
Sorry on this one, if she's already mama to one grandchild, makes sense for her to be "mama" for all. Also, I call my grandmother on my mom's sidd Mama (maybe it's a Texas thing) and it didn't seem to take away from the natural progression of mama-mom with my own mother. I don't really think this makes her a justno.
What about this part? >The difficult part is my MIL is pushing for the name mama and said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided. I'd say that makes her a HUGE JustNo. But! It may work in OP's favour, because little one won't know her at all. If OP keeps her foot down about this, the baby will grow up to MIL being a stranger. Win-win.
Tell her you understand, but that the gift of a grandparent name is best by the grandchild. Does she want to wait that long with your daughter? Meanwhile, at home, call her grandma firsthname. Smart baby will pick up on it.
Of course you earned mama, mama! You aren't wrong for feeling this way. Grandma had her turn being mama once legitimately and stole her second turn because nobody was paying attention. Stepson is old enough to understand and probably won't give a hoot. Heck, he may even start calling her grandma too. That would be pretty funny imo.
It's not going to be confusing if your kids use different terms for her. They'll know who they're talking about. >said she isn't giving herself a name or being around my daughter too much until her name has been decided. The person who ultimately decides what to call her is *the child*. Whatever term is decided on now, your daughter may call her something totally different later. Also, is she 12? "What you choose for daughter to call me is more important than me spending time with her." is almost hilariously immature. The petty part of me would put off announcing the term you're gonna use and call her on it next time she brings it up. (Avoiding calling it her "name" the whole time. Gives me the ick for some reason)
The best part is you control the situation. Put a photo of her on the fridge, and each day point to it and say your preferred name for her. Whenever she arrives, point to her and say “grandma is here.” She might say “no, I’m mama,” to which you can reply “no, this is my daughter, and I am her mama.”
This is the way. No confrontation needed. You are mama. She is grandma. She doesn’t get to claim your title. That’s ridiculous and I would treat it as a nonissue. Because it is. If she decides to make a *thing* out of it, I would simply play confused. “I’m sorry MIL but I’m the mother. I don’t understand why you are upset at being called grandma when that is what you are. Why are we even having this conversation? I’m sorry you feel that way.” Give her the most non-apology apology you can get away with. Then continue to refer to her as grandma. She can be pouty all she wants but that doesn’t magically turn her into the mother instead of grandmother. What a silly goose she is! I would seriously just keep saying “but you are grandma, I’m so confused. Why would you think you should be called mama of my child?? Silly grandma” make her explain her nonsense and when she cannot, just keep on calling her grandma.
Grandmama
Grandma. She's her grandma. I don't get all this fuss about what kids call their grandparents. Grandma and Grandpa.
Gama. One letter difference. But honestly, if she insists, just say well I guess you won't be seeing her for the foreseeable future. As im her mama... mama and dada.. are kids first words. Its a power move. Dont let her have it. You'll be fighting the rest of your life. Also dont leave her alone with your daughter, she'll try to teach her to call her that. Especially with how hard shes pushing already.
My daughter is two and we just came to an agreement on what my MIL will be called. She wanted to be Lolli since my FIL is Pop Pop… “Lolli-Pop” I said absolutely not.
Aw, I like Lolli!
This is a hill I would die on. She says she isn’t going to be around your daughter much until her name has been decided sounds like a way she is trying to manipulate you into agreeing. IMO her not wanting to spend much time would only be more incentive. She seems to care more about what she will be called vs spending time with her grandchild and sounds like it’s more about control. She absolutely knows the significance of being called mama. Ask her how she would have felt if her kids called her MIL mama. My kids call/called me mommy and also mama. My MIL wanted to be mama either and I told her over my dead body. I was ready and willing to not allow her access until she agreed that she wouldn’t refer to herself as mama to any child of mine. If it’s confusing for the older son to call her mama and not your baby, it should be easy to explain to your son since he’s older. Say it’s because she helped to raise him. For your daughter you can say the same. Or say that her and her half brother have different mothers. It won’t be so confusing to her as she gets older.
💯 this OP. She’s trying to manipulate you by saying she won’t have much to do with your LO if you don’t kowtow to her demands.
"I understand and respect you've been mama to step son. But you haven't and won't be that to my daughter. Your role in her life is as her grandmother not her mom" Also.. that's a win. Bye bye mil. Final Q.... what if you took over the role of mom to your step... would she be but hurt by that? My step calls me mama because that's the role I fill and what step decided for my name.
I like that approach. I take my step to school and cook dinner, wash his clothes etc and do all the things I would do for my daughter. He asked what I would like to be called and I said anything that he thinks would be appropriate. So I get a mix of my first name and ‘mummy first name’… I answer to any because I don’t expect to replace his mum and his grandma who he calls mama. He does see his mum on and off but I would never want him to think I’m trying to replace her.
You sound lovely. She's not the mama (from the dinosaurs)
Make this a hill to die on - if she's so set on what she's called being Mama (which she can't pretend she doesn't understand significance of) that she won't be around your daughter unless it's what she's called, then she's really not interested in being a grandma - meaning, it's not about your daughter, or you. If she insists it's not a big deal, then you can point out it that then it shouldn't be a big deal to not be called Mama. She's literally making her relationship with your daughter a power trip to show her matriarch position.
“I’m Mama. You will be Nanna or Grandma… pick one or I’ll pick one for you”
I'm a mother in law and would NEVER disrespect my daughter in law in such a way. That is for her alone!
I would tell her I feel grateful not to have her looney self around me and MY baby and leave it at that. Oh, and tell her she will NEVER be called mama by your daughter!
Your MIL doesn’t want to be around your 7 week old baby until her name is decided? This sounds kind of ridiculous. In my opinion Mama is short for Mommy & Mother. You’re not wrong! Grandma should not be called Mama. My best friend growing up called his father dad and his sister called the dad uncle (weird family dynamic). My best friend did not question why his sister called dad uncle until he was like 12 years old. When asked later on he said he thought it was a nickname and didn’t think anything of it.
No, that's your name of whatever you prefer. Always refer to her as grandmother or granny.
Nope! She is a grandma and she never should have let her grandchild call her mama. I would refer to her as grandma every time you talk about her. You are the mama and yes, you did earn that right. The 11 year old is old enough to understand so you won't be confusing him.
She can want what she wants but it doesn’t mean she’s going to get it. It’s up to you. If she wants to be called Mama, she can have her own baby. Ask her why she wants to be called that. I’m sure it was her idea with the first baby She finds the title more important than the actual relationship. Let her know that and that she’s trying to play victim in a situation she’s creating herself. Call her out when she starts crying to people about “not being allowed to see the babyyyyy”