How do you know he isn’t trickle truthing you?
Don’t let him rob you of another 5 years.
If he can hide something so well and for so long… how do you regain broken trust?
I honestly dont know. Trust is gone. I tried but i dont think its possible.
I want to know if i can take over the morgage by myself. Thats what matter's to me the most now.
I don’t know where you are located but taking ivermectin the mortgage might not actually do anything if you remain married as he will probably have access to own half anyway. Make sure you discuss this with your lawyers
We both have a family history where communication about feelings, bounderies and needs were not "encouraged" or prioritized. He is avoidant, im disorganized. Especially during the first years we didnt handle conflict well. That built resentment on both sides. There was also a lot of fun, understanding and support.
An example of a fault of mine that i deeply regret is threatening to leave the relationship. As i didnt have the skills to formulate what was hurting me or where my needs werent met.
You know what’s the worst part of this story? The way he showed you that you mean absolute shit to him. Shrugging his shoulders at you because you are upset about his lying and cheating? That’s pure contempt. He hates you. Leave him and take your 50%. Fuck him
Yes that was the string that broke the camals back.. i can't even put the words what broke, as there was already so many damaged.
We talked about it tonight and of course he apologized. I cant feel it. It means nothing anymore.
It did.. it felt like the little patience, respect and love just poofed out of me.
How do you come back from that? All the sorries, all the reflections, all the talking and trying to become better. All the plans and agreements to work on our communication. Its become moot.
Drunken one night stand. Doesnt matter anyway. 5 years of hiding it is whst disgusts me. 5 years of trusting a liar. False future talk. Doubting myself. Feeling like everybody knew but me.
No idea, he went to 1 therapy session and suddenly couldnt live with the guilt??? Fuck that. His relief is my hell. He should have taken it to his grave after 5 years of lying
I would have to agree with way you. More selfish to tell you now. Did other ppl in your life know about this though and you didn’t? Because that is soooo fucked up
Maybe its my paranoia speaking, i just feel like a fool. The town where it happened isnt that big. I doubt she kept her mouth. I dont know, just feels like i was the last to know.
I agree and have told this to many men. A man who cheats and is sorry does two things:
1) he makes it is mission to show his wife he loves and cherishes her every day for the rest of his life. Her happiness is his mission.
2) he keeps the secret and learns to master the guilt.
The guilt is used as the fuel for step 1 above. Confessing the infedility to gain some sort of relief for himself is selfish and in violation of step 1.
Is this hard for the man? Yes, It is. Is the guilt sometimes overwhelming. Yes, It is.
You learn to live with it and use it to transform yourself into the husband you should have been in the first place.
I hope things work out for you. Truly I do.
I hope he learns and grows into a better man as well. Whether it is with you in the marriage (assuming it is salvageable) or on his own as a single man. Fire can burn but it also can forge a person into something stronger than it was before.
It's chessy, but it's true. I know first hand.
Perhaps he didn't want it to come out after they had children together. Divorce pre-children often isn't too big a deal, divorce when there are kids is likely to be horrific.
Yep. The housing market is awfull and i had a good savings. Most of it is in the house.. i cant explain the level of rage and sadness.
I saved rigorously. My first paycheck was 173 per week. I set aside 35 euros. I always saved because i wanted out of childhood poverty.
And then betting it on a future with someone who turns out to be a filthy liar. Im so angry at myself.
Don't know if this is practical in Europe, but here in the states the best solution would be for both of you to move out and for you to rent the house out; if you have a good interest rate then the rent would probably be more than the mortgage payment. I'm sorry, this really sucks.
That feeling of giving absolutely zero effs when something cuts so deep you instantly detach, like it just smashed the rose tinted glasses & wakes us up to who we’re really dealing with? Honestly, that feeling was pure bliss for me.
It might not be the healthiest way of dealing, but my ex was a liar & a cheat too, stupidly given too many chances. Getting to the point of being able to feel absolutely nothing but skin crawling disgust when I looked at him, is honestly what saved me from him.
Even with no kids involved, I still get the vibe of it only being dropped on you when he was convinced that you’re trapped & stuck with him. If that’s the case, here’s hoping you smash that little plan apart with a hard dose of reality.
Even if i wanted to believe it.... i know his words have no objective other than giving him a good feeling about himself for a brief moment.
After the moment is gone, they have no use and can immediatly be forgotten.
I actually dont think he does care. Im buying a separate bed for me and suddenly he feels lonely and hurt. I want distace, i dont want hugs. Im not interested in making future plans. He scared that im moving towards a divorce.. yeah what else is there to do?
Did he think you would just say oh OK, thanks for letting me know??" Of course you are considering divorce. Who wouldn't. If he'd shown remorse or some kind of care it might be worth seeing if you can work it out, but he hasn't, so I'd be moving on. It's a shame he wasted 5 years of your life.
You hug people who love you and don't betray you, not people who don't care about you.
Bingo! Hes been asking me for hugs ever since the shrug. No i dont want to hug. Id cuddle my cats if i need soms affection. I dont see the added value of hugging someone showed disdain and contempt for my reaction to him breaking my hearts.
A hug is supposed to be comforting.
What else is her hiding from you?
This was premeditated. To me this feels evil.
He waits 5 years? All for his benefit not yours......On top of the betrayal.
It doesnt matter what the reason of divorce is in my country. The evidence would have no worth in the settlement.
We also dont have partner alimony anymore in the standard marriage contract. You can adjust it, but you have to initiate that process at the notary.
The fact that he shrugged when OP expressed her pain...
The casual cruelty of that response is breathtaking. It's so apathetic. I would feel more sympathy for a stranger's pain than he did for his spouse.
Just sharing my personal story met my husband at 11 dated at 15 married at 18 … I didn’t ask him to marry me he was insistent on it and I told him not to settle down to explore the world and other woman so he wouldn’t live with regrets he said he wouldn’t that he loved me… on our 2nd year wedding anniversary he cheated on me and right after I gave birth at 19 to our daughter I found out he did it on our wedding anniversary with a mutual friend I didn’t find out till Christmas that year … it’s been 7 years and I still have so much resentment… I’m 28 now … all my energy my youth into this marriage and our children .. he never did anything remotely close to cheating ever again he did a 180 when I was going to leave him .. I even cheated back and told him that same night just so we could rush things along but we ended up working it out … I love him and I’ve forgiven but haven’t completely forgotten …
In 7 years this is what I’ve learned ..
1. You’ll never trust him..and even if you try it won’t be 100%
2. Insecurities will eat you and make you feel like you’re never good enough… (I’m a 10 and the woman he cheated on me with is a 3… horrendous) but still even if you know you’re better in all ways there’s always those insecurities in the back of your head…
And
3. You’ll think of what could have been if you left instead ..
Number 3 is constantly on my mind. Im young! I want to fall in love again!
Im already feeling insecure about how he chats with a colleage. It would have never bothered me before. The thought that it could happen right under my nose again is excruciating.
I dont want this life. He isnt worth it.
And it’ll never get easier I promise.. we’re in charge of changing our own thought patterns and creating our reality and in change of finding happiness within ourselves… BUT it’s kinda fucking hard to do that when you have the one who hurt you standing in front of you everyday…
Same with the insecurity also going through the same thing (co worker) … it’s such an ugly feeling dude ..
Good thing is it’s not too late and you’re already ahead of the game by exploring all your options .. if you have close friends and family definitely lean in them when you can
Unfortunately I dont have much family. I really have to do this on my own.
I understand why you chose to stay. To lose my best friend is heartbreaking. I feel a sadness through my whole body. But after 8 months of barely progress, after the cruel dismissal. I dont think I can be able to open my heart again.
>I meeting 3 lawyers in the coming weeks.
Is this marriage over from your standpoint? Is there any hope for reconciliation?
You are well within your right to end things should you choose to.
If you honestly believe there’s any hope for reconciliation and moving forward, wait to make a decision about divorce until you’ve had time to process. You’re likely experiencing a roller coaster of emotions and feel like your entire vision of self and world have imploded. Figure out what’s real and what’s not, take your time. You don’t have to stay in the home right now, you don’t have to sleep in the same bed, but wait until you’re sure before moving forward.
Or don’t. But that’s my advice. Sometimes relationships do survive cheating and thrive after, and sometimes the person who perpetuates the cheating is just a hopeless selfish AH who won’t ever change. And sometimes they do change but the hurt spouse can never fully move forward or trust them again and the best thing is to move on. That’s up to both of you.
Weve been in couples therapie for eight months... i dont think at this point i deverse to be treated like this. Im dreading to go the bed while its almost 3 am..
I hear you but im afraid were past that stage.
I’m really sorry he did this to you. You do deserve better. And you spent so long being essentially gaslit about the life you thought you were living. Not one person would blame you for ending it. It sounds like you’ve put in the work, and you’re still not able to trust, and it sounds like he’s not even trying to make you want to stay married to him other than showing you that he’s sad, but like, bro, you’re sad because you’re facing the consequences of your own actions. If it’s been 8 months since he told you, and you’ve been in couples therapy during that time, and he’s still not making you feel like he cares about you, then maybe he doesn’t care.
Alternatively you could bide your time with him just like he did with you for another 5 years and then leave when things are better fiscally.
I'm not saying it's a good move I'm saying it's a move
Its a move. We dont have kids but i can see that would change the stakes a lot.
Right now im in to process of buying my own bed that gives me some space. I want to be able to seclude myself untill we get things sorted out.
Not a good take at all- you're essentially telling OP to reward the cheater. Why waste another 5 years of her life and youth when she can leave the scum now, heal, and find another partner. If such a betrayal is no big deal to you and an option you'd choose, don't suggest the same toxicity to others- stay in the crab bucket and stop dragging othwrs inside.
My money is in the house... still have some savings. But i dont want to leave. I love living here. I want him to repay me for my lost years and have him leave.
Never gonna happen though..
This is the plan. I also want a settlement, which is not standard in my country.
My labour, my creativity, my planning, the furniture I spent hours hunting down, my savings made this house a home.
Im not going anywhere.
I’m going through almost the exact same thing with my wife. I just found out this past November that almost 5 years ago she had an affair with her boss at the time that I was positive they were sleeping with each other but could never get proof. Now we are in a position that makes it impossible for me to leave her but I am struggling with how I feel and how I have to protect my son.
But regardless of my situation I am so very sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you will find your peace soon.
Im sorry, i understand the pain, the betrayel. Feeling trapped. We made life choices together. His words or plans mean nothing anymore. I just feel like he should keep a diary where i writes down the new fantasy of the day and keep me out of it.
Somettimes i cant help myself to laugh about the absurdity that he is still talking about a future.
I think could be financial as well. I have a friend whose wife cheated on him however she was a SAHM for the last 15 years. A divorce would upend all his retirement plans so they are in therapy smh
Wow I love your strength. My husband kept secrets from me our whole 20 years. They would come out every now and then when he was forced to tell me. Like the mother of his son died. I didn’t know he had a son and that child was conceived during his first marriage to whom he cheated on her and had this child. Smh I realize how unhappy and naïve I was. I’ve learned that anyone’s actions really shows you who they are and it’s not your responsibility to try to change anyone. It’s your responsibility to accept their faults and the person they are. That is the choice we make. I made that choice because I was putting him higher than myself and my own worth, happiness etc… we are separated now. I don’t have much faith in men and don’t really feel the desire to date. I need time to heal. Best of luck to you and anyone reading this. OP you are very brave and deserve the best.
Thank you so mu much for your lovely words and im sorry you had to endure so much.
It destroys your self esteem, your intuition, your confidence, everything that you need to feel capable. Its such a mean thing to do to another person.
Please take this advice as I was in a similar situation- he waited years to confess (I say confess but I still only got the partial truth), but I tried to forgive him and move forward. We went to counseling, read all the books, and at the time I finally thought things were good and we had re-established trust, I learned he never stopped. When I confronted him he smiled at me. I filed for divorce the next day and never looked back.
I highly recommend the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn. Go live your fabulous life. You deserve better.
I guess your comment was lost the night where this post was very active. I didnt see it so excuse my late reaction.
Im sorry what he did, sounds sociopathic really. Did you get help in processing that type of extreme betrayal?
Your comment however was predicting my situation. Im glad to announce ive found a counsellor today to help me with the divorce & keeping the house. :)
I have talked with STBX and he has said he is willing to give up some of his legal rights to amend for his mistakes. Of course im sceptical and scared he wont abide this promise, as thats kind of his thing....
But i can keep my current interest rate, which is amazing. My student loans wouldnt impact my ability to take over the mortgage (i was very worried about that).
I have discussed upping my working hours with my employer, they're okay so financially i may work out.
This is a huge relief and simultaneously its very sad that the end is really coming close now. I tried very hard to make it work and accepting this ending feels like a personal failure.
Exaxtly. He told me once that for him it was already 5 years ago, so in the past. Couldnt understand that for me it was a punch in the face RIGHT NOW.
I dont think he believed that there would have been consequences.
Like what did he expect? That you 2 would go along and be normal? I mean I don't understand his reaction of just shrugging his shoulders. He should have known you would possibly flip out over such a betrayal as this.
No idea.. he has apologised so many times in the last three days. I keep telling him, its not coming in. Its like when a politician apologises, like who actually cares?
I mean, like if he showed some remorse and accepted your reaction and tried to build your trust back is one thing, but to just act like you 2 should move on just shows his arrogance and that he doesn't regret it. Not sure what to tell you to do here. Good luck with this one.
I think he views his efforts as the point we should be focusing on. Consistency is hard when you lack emotional intelligence.
Anyhow my interests is his reasoning and thought process has left the building.
His reasoning is wrong. He should show remorse and try to understand why you are so upset, then be trying to keep you from moving out and proving he cares. That is just my 2 cents though.
I dont care about the actual truth anymore. I just want to know I. An stay in my house.
First he said he will make sure that i wouldnt have to move. Few weeks later the promise had already been downgraded lol.
He wants to work on trust...??? I cant take anything serious anymore.
No we were dating at the time of cheating.
5 years later we just moved houses, were in full renovation. It was a stressfull time where we were growing apart.
I suggested couples therapy. He also went to an individual therapist where he had an ephinay that he couldn't truely commit while living with a lie.
Get your fucking money back or keep the house completely. Fuck that man. I hope you and your beautiful cats find a better more peaceful home or life 🫶🏽
Youd be in your right as far as im concerned. I just cant take constant tension. I bought a bed for my office space (huge room) so i can seclude myself and try to find some peace and quiet.
I saw one of your replies on how he cheated on you, and I just wanted to say I don’t believe cheaters when they say “it happened when I was drunk” bc it’s just an easy lie to throw out. Plus idk about everyone else but I used to go hard when I was younger and not once did I ever “accidentally” impale myself onto someone’s dick.
Of course there’s circumstances where a person could’ve assaulted someone but it doesn’t feel like it was the case for him seeing he just shrugged you off until he learned you wanted to get your finances in order lmao.
Good luck! I hope for the best
Thank you. I already told some people at work as they noticed i wasny my happy energetic self. But then the tears come and i hate feeling so vulnerable
I dont have a good support system. So losing the illusion of having a partner is devestating. And i had a very hard time accepting that this is not it.
Yeah just stick with it! I found great friends in my grieving process when my wife told me. This is much more common then it feels i bet. Crazy but my wife and I have never been better sience her affair but getting there took a ton of work on both our parts. Lean into the journey if you can!
I believe in second chances, and we were very young when we got together. Though the complete lack of respect and empathy towards my pain kind of closes the door.
He's only telling you now because he thinks he has you trapped and you're more likely to accept it.
Thank goodness you've not had a kid for him, he's shown you his red flags...run, run a mile!
-Consult your lawyer
-talk to your mortgage specialist
- start the paperwork to get everything put into your name.
- divorce his ass.
He’s proven to you you mean nothing, of course he’s starting the love bombing. His supply is leaving him and he doesn’t have a back up(yet). You deserve better
I wouldn't do anything right now if I was you. Go about your life for a bit and see how you feel after some time has passed.
Why did he cheat?
The answer to this question matters a lot. He didn't care if you left back then when he cheated but he chose to tell you now. Why? Maybe he felt guilty and he thought telling you would make you feel better. Maybe whatever made him justify cheating is happening again and he is reaching out in a weird way.
He should have taken it to the grave. It's the first only good advice Dr. Laura ever gave. :)
It was an oppurtinity one night stand, where he was very drunk. We had a fight before he left and i told him to please stay at his parents for the weekend so we had time to cool off. Gis hometown has this yearly festival and that's when in happened.
I just want to say that I’m really rooting for you and I’m hoping you get all the good things you deserve, including keeping the house. I’m sorry he caused you such pain.
I'm exactly there but 35 years in. Caught him cheating a year ago, it had been going on for 4 years. Then found out he was living with her while we dated, cheated with her after we moved in together and for a time after we married.
If he refuses to do his own therapy and couples therapy, chances are slim you'll make it. But honestly with the way he hid this until you sunk your savings is incredible manipulation and my honest advice is to leave now.
He is in therapy, I stopped couples therapy after the shrug.
I feel trapped and manipulated. Tomorrow my first morgage meeting.. im not hopefull but i have to know if there is any way.
don't be too hasty to divorce. you are hurting atm. I speak from experience that I realized that cheating is horrible and not worth the stress and guilt. she forgave me. we were in an open marriage at the time so in a way it had less impact as it was historic. I learned my lesson and never strayed again.
sometimes it can actually bring you closer in the long term.
I dont think 8 months couples therapy is hasty. There has to be progression. Im not doing him a favour by staying when my resentment and distrust isnt being resolved. There are no winners in that situation.
sorry I wasn't aware of the 8 months therapy. my apologies. you have my sympathy. heartbreak is horrible and painful and can turn into hate. please be kind to yourself.
To be honest no, I don't think there is, No doubt the moment he heard or found out about the 3 lawyers he freaked out, There could be a chance he may try to manipulate or gaslight you, Honestly I wouldn't really talk to him until the lawyers come, But that's just me though
I will be dependent on him for a cordial agreement. If I have my way, he needs to give up his rights (by law). I did discuss the outcome of the counseling and asked him to reflect on if he was still planning on keeping his promises to make sure im not also financially fucked after breaking my heart. Well see what happens..
Run, don’t walk. Get away from him as fast as you can. There’s going to be a lot of manipulation coming from him after he realizes he’s fucked. #gaslighting
5 years and in that time he could have given you an STD that if left untreated could have caused serious issues if not death. I would be upset about the investments but I'd be more upset at the complete lack of caring on his end for your health.
I swear infidelity should be a crime labeled as possible man slaughter.
What motivated him to confess? I'm surprised that he didn't just keep it to himself. But the shrug??? It seems a bit off to me. Why wait all of this time to finally confess?
Has he been ill recently? I read a post somewhere, where a husband lied to his wife about cheating which also lead to their divorce which is what he had intended. She found out a few years later he had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and had passed away. His motivation was that he didn't want to put her through the struggle of watching him die. Basically he took her agency away to make an "informed" decision for herself. She would have stayed with him and supported him through his journey because that is what loving committed spouses do. He was misguided and she was deeply hurt all over again. It took years of therapy for her to finally come to terms with all he had done to them as a couple and to her individually. Is it possible your husband is doing the same?. Lying to you in the misguided belief he's protecting you? Some people make some really stupid choices abd decisions when they are under stress.
I'd do some independent investigation if I were you. It just seems strange that he's confessing to a one night stand from 5 years ago now and then shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal. Something smelling fishy here.
He confessed after 1 therapy session because he came to the conclusion that he wanted connection and intimacy and holding secrets was not helping.
The shrug happened after i told him I felt that 5 years of my life were stolen. Apparently he cant emphazise with the fact that questioning every moment in your past is devestating and leads to an immense feeling of disorientation.
Sounds like he confessed for himself and not so much for you. Sadly, cheaters are incredibly selfish people. It takes lots of therapy and an epiphany moment for them to finally see beyond themselves and how their selfish behaviours affects others.
I hope all goes well for you on this rollercoaster journey you are on.
You can heal from this!!
I know it's devastating news and you may feel broken emotionally, mentally and possibly spiritually..But the way to heal from this at this point..I believe is to work on your emotional and mental health by stopping all negative thoughts and looking backwards..I recommend Journaling,praying/meditating,getting out in nature and seeking a therapist that you gel with...Also,I would work on healing all your past traumas especially any childhood and any bad programming from your parents,family,society news,social media..etc
If you don't heal your emotional and mental wounds you will continue to put yourself in similar romantic situations when it comes to relationships..I also recommend reading books,articles and watching YouTube videos about healing trauma,mental programming and emotional intelligence..I personally watch"The Crappy Childhood Fairy" ,"Lewis howes","Dr.Joe Dispenza on YouTube"...
I've spent over 40yrs surviving many different traumas and the last 6yrs healing them and pulling myself out of that dark mental,emotional and spirtual abyss...
We all need to heal from something and the sooner we start the sooner we go from surviving day to day,to living the lives we want to thriving..
I wish you healing and happiness!!
I really dont want to sell though. I love my house. I hope to be able to transfer the mortgage to only me..
Im meeting 3 financial counsellors / lawyers to resesrch options. If i have to sell and start over.. i dont even want to think about it. Like many countries we have housing shortage.
Have an attorney look at it. If you decide to get a divorce try to work things out between you both rather than fighting it out in court. It will be so much cheaper.
I'm sorry this has happened. I have been betrayed in two separate marriages, one of them causing me to have to file bankruptcy and I had to pay spousal support for 5 years. It sucks but the sooner gets out of the mess, the faster you can move on and feel better emotionally.
Yes i have 3 appointments the coming weeks. I have to understand my options and what actions i need to take.
I would have sworn that he would never leave me high and dry. Now... im not so sure anymore.
I know you may feel like you're havibg a reaction you don't quite understand. All I can say is I'd feel the EXACT same way as you about being robbed. It is like a double betrayal.
The shrugging would have broken my heart.
Sounds like a sad life to me. Im not delusion so i wont pretend to speak for billion's of people, but a lot of men dont appreciate bring lied to either.
You admitted that the TWO of you had dysfunctional patterns.
Now he is being honest with you, it probably cost him a lot to share this with you....not an easy conversation. And now you call lawyers.....where is love in this? I get you got hurt, bit lawyers is not the solution if love is your priority.
I hope one day youll figure out that setting yourself on fire to keep the other person warm is not how love is supposed to be expressed.
After the difficult confession we did 8 months of couples therapy. Fun fact, there was no need for a confession if he didnt cheat!
You said unhealthy patterns when you started together... What does that mean? Does that mean you both cheated when you were younger? I'm just asking because if you're both cheaters, then you're only telling the one side of the story to make yourself look better, instead of being transparent... Because you want sympathy. Understandable, but a shitty move, imo.
If you're both cheaters in the past, or if you cheated on him... Then you deserve each other. If you care about the relationship still, go to counseling, see if it's salvageable. If you can't get past this, then by well means meet with the lawyers, find a good one, and then plan to sell the house, as marital assets belong to each of you 50/50... Because money earned/saved during the marriage, or brought into the marriage without a prenup, are also considered marital assets as well. You'll be hard pressed to find a judge who will just award you the house. Now... If you can refinance it in your name, and buy him out of the equity you guys have in the house that he'd be entitled to in a sale... Then you'd be able to do that.
Fact is those years are fine and divorce won't bring them back. I wish you guys the best. Least he admitted it and is repentant. I know plenty of happy marriages that got over such indiscretions. Divorce is hell...
Thank you. He seems willing to be a better person right now. Im scared how things will turn out when the financial consequences get clear... thank you anyway
You are welcome! I know Reddit loves to tell people to throw their marriages away but in real life, many many happily married couples made huge mistakes early in their marriage. Forgiveness is a forgotten art but it's how marriages last. Guys today mature slower, not that it's an excuse, just context. May your love and home endure this and become stronger than ever.
The relationship is definitely ending. I do think couples can come stronger out of these situations. But not us unfortunately. We did 8 month's couples therapy. Weekly check ups to discuss our needs. Date nights, weekend trips, lunchwalks, home renovations, you name it.
But he cant take accountability how it has affected me. Shuts down conversations about it. It is too painfull for him. At some point the options are spent..
You’re right… he robbed you of being able to make an informed decision on what you would have wanted to do if you knew 5 years ago.
What was the reason he came clean after all this time?
How do you know he isn’t trickle truthing you? Don’t let him rob you of another 5 years. If he can hide something so well and for so long… how do you regain broken trust?
I honestly dont know. Trust is gone. I tried but i dont think its possible. I want to know if i can take over the morgage by myself. Thats what matter's to me the most now.
I don’t know where you are located but taking ivermectin the mortgage might not actually do anything if you remain married as he will probably have access to own half anyway. Make sure you discuss this with your lawyers
>but taking ivermectin the mortgage What does this mean? Was it a weird autocorrect for taking over?
You won’t get the house…or parasites.
Think it should have said taking on the mortgage lol
OP is smarter than all of us to understand how Ivermectin will help.
Works real well if they got a farm
Ill look into it thank you
Definitely don’t take the ivermectin
LMFAO I love auto correct
Hahaha I literally just meant to say over! I.e “taking OVER the mortgage” - absolutely no clue what autocorrect had on its blooming invermectin mind 🤣
Made me think I was in the died suddenly group for a second.
Cheating is awful, but I’m curious what your faults were during that youthful time? Sorry if that comes off as harsh just wondering.
We both have a family history where communication about feelings, bounderies and needs were not "encouraged" or prioritized. He is avoidant, im disorganized. Especially during the first years we didnt handle conflict well. That built resentment on both sides. There was also a lot of fun, understanding and support. An example of a fault of mine that i deeply regret is threatening to leave the relationship. As i didnt have the skills to formulate what was hurting me or where my needs werent met.
[удалено]
Who hurt you?
Yep!! This is the advice you need to read!!
You know what’s the worst part of this story? The way he showed you that you mean absolute shit to him. Shrugging his shoulders at you because you are upset about his lying and cheating? That’s pure contempt. He hates you. Leave him and take your 50%. Fuck him
Yes that was the string that broke the camals back.. i can't even put the words what broke, as there was already so many damaged. We talked about it tonight and of course he apologized. I cant feel it. It means nothing anymore.
Yeah the shrug would have sent me over the edge. Like fuck you buddy.
It did.. it felt like the little patience, respect and love just poofed out of me. How do you come back from that? All the sorries, all the reflections, all the talking and trying to become better. All the plans and agreements to work on our communication. Its become moot.
You don't. You leave now. The shrug was his true take.
What were the circumstances of the cheating? Were you already married? Who was it with?
Drunken one night stand. Doesnt matter anyway. 5 years of hiding it is whst disgusts me. 5 years of trusting a liar. False future talk. Doubting myself. Feeling like everybody knew but me.
What made him tell you now?
No idea, he went to 1 therapy session and suddenly couldnt live with the guilt??? Fuck that. His relief is my hell. He should have taken it to his grave after 5 years of lying
I would have to agree with way you. More selfish to tell you now. Did other ppl in your life know about this though and you didn’t? Because that is soooo fucked up
Maybe its my paranoia speaking, i just feel like a fool. The town where it happened isnt that big. I doubt she kept her mouth. I dont know, just feels like i was the last to know.
He told you because perhaps he still is seeing her and she was threatening to tell you herself.
Do you know her? Did he tell you who it is? Did she get pregnant? Is that why he is telling you?
Thank god no.
I agree and have told this to many men. A man who cheats and is sorry does two things: 1) he makes it is mission to show his wife he loves and cherishes her every day for the rest of his life. Her happiness is his mission. 2) he keeps the secret and learns to master the guilt. The guilt is used as the fuel for step 1 above. Confessing the infedility to gain some sort of relief for himself is selfish and in violation of step 1. Is this hard for the man? Yes, It is. Is the guilt sometimes overwhelming. Yes, It is. You learn to live with it and use it to transform yourself into the husband you should have been in the first place.
Perfect, im going to show him this.
I hope things work out for you. Truly I do. I hope he learns and grows into a better man as well. Whether it is with you in the marriage (assuming it is salvageable) or on his own as a single man. Fire can burn but it also can forge a person into something stronger than it was before. It's chessy, but it's true. I know first hand.
Perhaps he didn't want it to come out after they had children together. Divorce pre-children often isn't too big a deal, divorce when there are kids is likely to be horrific.
We don't have children and I dont see him as the father of my kids.
Best I can tell, the only reason you're even considering staying married is you'll never get as good an interest rate.
Yep. The housing market is awfull and i had a good savings. Most of it is in the house.. i cant explain the level of rage and sadness. I saved rigorously. My first paycheck was 173 per week. I set aside 35 euros. I always saved because i wanted out of childhood poverty. And then betting it on a future with someone who turns out to be a filthy liar. Im so angry at myself.
Don't know if this is practical in Europe, but here in the states the best solution would be for both of you to move out and for you to rent the house out; if you have a good interest rate then the rent would probably be more than the mortgage payment. I'm sorry, this really sucks.
Absolutely. He took away your choice by not telling you the truth when it happened. That's plain wrong.
That feeling of giving absolutely zero effs when something cuts so deep you instantly detach, like it just smashed the rose tinted glasses & wakes us up to who we’re really dealing with? Honestly, that feeling was pure bliss for me. It might not be the healthiest way of dealing, but my ex was a liar & a cheat too, stupidly given too many chances. Getting to the point of being able to feel absolutely nothing but skin crawling disgust when I looked at him, is honestly what saved me from him. Even with no kids involved, I still get the vibe of it only being dropped on you when he was convinced that you’re trapped & stuck with him. If that’s the case, here’s hoping you smash that little plan apart with a hard dose of reality.
Ill know more about my options after financial consultation. I might be alright but the future i envisioned is gone.
That apology meant nothing. Don’t believe a word he says. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Even if i wanted to believe it.... i know his words have no objective other than giving him a good feeling about himself for a brief moment. After the moment is gone, they have no use and can immediatly be forgotten.
Yea girl take that 50% then live in an apartment
Well, 45% anyway. 10% goes to the lawyers on both sides.
There's nothing to discuss. He thought you wouldn't leave and you were trapped. He shrugged like he does not even care that he hurt you.
I actually dont think he does care. Im buying a separate bed for me and suddenly he feels lonely and hurt. I want distace, i dont want hugs. Im not interested in making future plans. He scared that im moving towards a divorce.. yeah what else is there to do?
Did he think you would just say oh OK, thanks for letting me know??" Of course you are considering divorce. Who wouldn't. If he'd shown remorse or some kind of care it might be worth seeing if you can work it out, but he hasn't, so I'd be moving on. It's a shame he wasted 5 years of your life. You hug people who love you and don't betray you, not people who don't care about you.
Bingo! Hes been asking me for hugs ever since the shrug. No i dont want to hug. Id cuddle my cats if i need soms affection. I dont see the added value of hugging someone showed disdain and contempt for my reaction to him breaking my hearts. A hug is supposed to be comforting.
Hugs are about him feeling better. You *absolutely* need to divorce.
He cares about what _he_ is loosing, not about your feelings. You said yourself, when you voiced your hurt, he shrugged.
He is the kind to miss what he lost. Its his problem to live with that.
Separate bed? Kick him out lol
What else is her hiding from you? This was premeditated. To me this feels evil. He waits 5 years? All for his benefit not yours......On top of the betrayal.
Get a financial audit and have a PI look into his activities. He got away with it. IT could be a 5-year cheating spree. Rake him over the coals.
Thats not a law here but thanks for the advice.
What’s not a law here?
Unhinged crazy.
It doesnt matter what the reason of divorce is in my country. The evidence would have no worth in the settlement. We also dont have partner alimony anymore in the standard marriage contract. You can adjust it, but you have to initiate that process at the notary.
At fault divorces
[удалено]
They are. See where the money is going.
He did rob you and his response is sociopathic. Cheaters don’t make mistakes. The cruelty is the point. He did it this way on purpose.
The fact that he shrugged when OP expressed her pain... The casual cruelty of that response is breathtaking. It's so apathetic. I would feel more sympathy for a stranger's pain than he did for his spouse.
Exactly. I can not remember when i ever shrugged at a person in pain. Not even on TV. Maybe im a softy but it never ever occur to me.
Nothing. No kids, ditch it.
Just sharing my personal story met my husband at 11 dated at 15 married at 18 … I didn’t ask him to marry me he was insistent on it and I told him not to settle down to explore the world and other woman so he wouldn’t live with regrets he said he wouldn’t that he loved me… on our 2nd year wedding anniversary he cheated on me and right after I gave birth at 19 to our daughter I found out he did it on our wedding anniversary with a mutual friend I didn’t find out till Christmas that year … it’s been 7 years and I still have so much resentment… I’m 28 now … all my energy my youth into this marriage and our children .. he never did anything remotely close to cheating ever again he did a 180 when I was going to leave him .. I even cheated back and told him that same night just so we could rush things along but we ended up working it out … I love him and I’ve forgiven but haven’t completely forgotten … In 7 years this is what I’ve learned .. 1. You’ll never trust him..and even if you try it won’t be 100% 2. Insecurities will eat you and make you feel like you’re never good enough… (I’m a 10 and the woman he cheated on me with is a 3… horrendous) but still even if you know you’re better in all ways there’s always those insecurities in the back of your head… And 3. You’ll think of what could have been if you left instead ..
Number 3 is constantly on my mind. Im young! I want to fall in love again! Im already feeling insecure about how he chats with a colleage. It would have never bothered me before. The thought that it could happen right under my nose again is excruciating. I dont want this life. He isnt worth it.
And it’ll never get easier I promise.. we’re in charge of changing our own thought patterns and creating our reality and in change of finding happiness within ourselves… BUT it’s kinda fucking hard to do that when you have the one who hurt you standing in front of you everyday… Same with the insecurity also going through the same thing (co worker) … it’s such an ugly feeling dude .. Good thing is it’s not too late and you’re already ahead of the game by exploring all your options .. if you have close friends and family definitely lean in them when you can
Unfortunately I dont have much family. I really have to do this on my own. I understand why you chose to stay. To lose my best friend is heartbreaking. I feel a sadness through my whole body. But after 8 months of barely progress, after the cruel dismissal. I dont think I can be able to open my heart again.
>I meeting 3 lawyers in the coming weeks. Is this marriage over from your standpoint? Is there any hope for reconciliation? You are well within your right to end things should you choose to.
I want to know my options. We are still in couples therapy. Over? No. Viable... maybe.
I cant afford a house by myself except this one due to interest. It sounds easy but when options for shelter are this limited i feel stuck.
Roommate or roommates
First i have to acquire the mortgage, then its possible for the cost sharing.
If you honestly believe there’s any hope for reconciliation and moving forward, wait to make a decision about divorce until you’ve had time to process. You’re likely experiencing a roller coaster of emotions and feel like your entire vision of self and world have imploded. Figure out what’s real and what’s not, take your time. You don’t have to stay in the home right now, you don’t have to sleep in the same bed, but wait until you’re sure before moving forward. Or don’t. But that’s my advice. Sometimes relationships do survive cheating and thrive after, and sometimes the person who perpetuates the cheating is just a hopeless selfish AH who won’t ever change. And sometimes they do change but the hurt spouse can never fully move forward or trust them again and the best thing is to move on. That’s up to both of you.
Weve been in couples therapie for eight months... i dont think at this point i deverse to be treated like this. Im dreading to go the bed while its almost 3 am.. I hear you but im afraid were past that stage.
I’m really sorry he did this to you. You do deserve better. And you spent so long being essentially gaslit about the life you thought you were living. Not one person would blame you for ending it. It sounds like you’ve put in the work, and you’re still not able to trust, and it sounds like he’s not even trying to make you want to stay married to him other than showing you that he’s sad, but like, bro, you’re sad because you’re facing the consequences of your own actions. If it’s been 8 months since he told you, and you’ve been in couples therapy during that time, and he’s still not making you feel like he cares about you, then maybe he doesn’t care.
Your words are true. It did get better in the first few months, but i need to face painfull truth now.
Alternatively you could bide your time with him just like he did with you for another 5 years and then leave when things are better fiscally. I'm not saying it's a good move I'm saying it's a move
Its a move. We dont have kids but i can see that would change the stakes a lot. Right now im in to process of buying my own bed that gives me some space. I want to be able to seclude myself untill we get things sorted out.
Ensure your birth control he's not beneath lying he may try to trap you that way
Abortion is legal here so im not worried. But thank you for looking out for me.
Good, I don't want to see him hurt you further.
Not a good take at all- you're essentially telling OP to reward the cheater. Why waste another 5 years of her life and youth when she can leave the scum now, heal, and find another partner. If such a betrayal is no big deal to you and an option you'd choose, don't suggest the same toxicity to others- stay in the crab bucket and stop dragging othwrs inside.
It’s not rewarding the cheater, it’s making sure OP has the ability to leave when finances are best for her.
People do it. Though it's more common when children are involved. It's fake reconciliation from the betrayed partner.
Look out for yourself. (He did.) Don’t look back.
He’s probably hoping you can weather the storm. Take your money and leave.
My money is in the house... still have some savings. But i dont want to leave. I love living here. I want him to repay me for my lost years and have him leave. Never gonna happen though..
He may leave if you never let him touch you again.
Fine by me.
I meant that as a positive 😀
Almost sounded like a warning lol ;)
No more like a suggestion
Don’t leave. Make him leave. Initiate the divorce but Do. Not. Leave. Your. House.
This is the plan. I also want a settlement, which is not standard in my country. My labour, my creativity, my planning, the furniture I spent hours hunting down, my savings made this house a home. Im not going anywhere.
I’m going through almost the exact same thing with my wife. I just found out this past November that almost 5 years ago she had an affair with her boss at the time that I was positive they were sleeping with each other but could never get proof. Now we are in a position that makes it impossible for me to leave her but I am struggling with how I feel and how I have to protect my son. But regardless of my situation I am so very sorry for what you are going through and I hope that you will find your peace soon.
Im sorry, i understand the pain, the betrayel. Feeling trapped. We made life choices together. His words or plans mean nothing anymore. I just feel like he should keep a diary where i writes down the new fantasy of the day and keep me out of it. Somettimes i cant help myself to laugh about the absurdity that he is still talking about a future.
Just because you have a child, doesn’t mean you can’t and shouldn’t leave
I think could be financial as well. I have a friend whose wife cheated on him however she was a SAHM for the last 15 years. A divorce would upend all his retirement plans so they are in therapy smh
Wow I love your strength. My husband kept secrets from me our whole 20 years. They would come out every now and then when he was forced to tell me. Like the mother of his son died. I didn’t know he had a son and that child was conceived during his first marriage to whom he cheated on her and had this child. Smh I realize how unhappy and naïve I was. I’ve learned that anyone’s actions really shows you who they are and it’s not your responsibility to try to change anyone. It’s your responsibility to accept their faults and the person they are. That is the choice we make. I made that choice because I was putting him higher than myself and my own worth, happiness etc… we are separated now. I don’t have much faith in men and don’t really feel the desire to date. I need time to heal. Best of luck to you and anyone reading this. OP you are very brave and deserve the best.
Thank you so mu much for your lovely words and im sorry you had to endure so much. It destroys your self esteem, your intuition, your confidence, everything that you need to feel capable. Its such a mean thing to do to another person.
Please take this advice as I was in a similar situation- he waited years to confess (I say confess but I still only got the partial truth), but I tried to forgive him and move forward. We went to counseling, read all the books, and at the time I finally thought things were good and we had re-established trust, I learned he never stopped. When I confronted him he smiled at me. I filed for divorce the next day and never looked back. I highly recommend the book “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life” by Tracy Schorn. Go live your fabulous life. You deserve better.
I guess your comment was lost the night where this post was very active. I didnt see it so excuse my late reaction. Im sorry what he did, sounds sociopathic really. Did you get help in processing that type of extreme betrayal? Your comment however was predicting my situation. Im glad to announce ive found a counsellor today to help me with the divorce & keeping the house. :) I have talked with STBX and he has said he is willing to give up some of his legal rights to amend for his mistakes. Of course im sceptical and scared he wont abide this promise, as thats kind of his thing.... But i can keep my current interest rate, which is amazing. My student loans wouldnt impact my ability to take over the mortgage (i was very worried about that). I have discussed upping my working hours with my employer, they're okay so financially i may work out. This is a huge relief and simultaneously its very sad that the end is really coming close now. I tried very hard to make it work and accepting this ending feels like a personal failure.
Chiming in to suggest an STI /STD check….
That was the first thing I demanded. He was clean but the fact that he couldnt come up with the idea in 5 years...
It sounds like he doesn't regret it is what bothers me.
Exaxtly. He told me once that for him it was already 5 years ago, so in the past. Couldnt understand that for me it was a punch in the face RIGHT NOW. I dont think he believed that there would have been consequences.
Like what did he expect? That you 2 would go along and be normal? I mean I don't understand his reaction of just shrugging his shoulders. He should have known you would possibly flip out over such a betrayal as this.
No idea.. he has apologised so many times in the last three days. I keep telling him, its not coming in. Its like when a politician apologises, like who actually cares?
I mean, like if he showed some remorse and accepted your reaction and tried to build your trust back is one thing, but to just act like you 2 should move on just shows his arrogance and that he doesn't regret it. Not sure what to tell you to do here. Good luck with this one.
I think he views his efforts as the point we should be focusing on. Consistency is hard when you lack emotional intelligence. Anyhow my interests is his reasoning and thought process has left the building.
His reasoning is wrong. He should show remorse and try to understand why you are so upset, then be trying to keep you from moving out and proving he cares. That is just my 2 cents though.
He shrugged? That’s how he reacted? That’s cold.
I think it was more hurtfull than hearing he cheated and lied. I feel i wasted 5 years of my life.
Don’t waste anymore. He is a terrible person.
Be prepared for some trickle truths and lies just to get you to stay.
I dont care about the actual truth anymore. I just want to know I. An stay in my house. First he said he will make sure that i wouldnt have to move. Few weeks later the promise had already been downgraded lol. He wants to work on trust...??? I cant take anything serious anymore.
Identify your goal and stick to it he's just an obstacle at this point
Can you salvage this marriage? Did he cheat while dating or after you got married ? How was the relationship before disclosure?
No we were dating at the time of cheating. 5 years later we just moved houses, were in full renovation. It was a stressfull time where we were growing apart. I suggested couples therapy. He also went to an individual therapist where he had an ephinay that he couldn't truely commit while living with a lie.
Get your fucking money back or keep the house completely. Fuck that man. I hope you and your beautiful cats find a better more peaceful home or life 🫶🏽
❤️
I would respond to every comment he made with a shrug.
Youd be in your right as far as im concerned. I just cant take constant tension. I bought a bed for my office space (huge room) so i can seclude myself and try to find some peace and quiet.
I saw one of your replies on how he cheated on you, and I just wanted to say I don’t believe cheaters when they say “it happened when I was drunk” bc it’s just an easy lie to throw out. Plus idk about everyone else but I used to go hard when I was younger and not once did I ever “accidentally” impale myself onto someone’s dick. Of course there’s circumstances where a person could’ve assaulted someone but it doesn’t feel like it was the case for him seeing he just shrugged you off until he learned you wanted to get your finances in order lmao. Good luck! I hope for the best
Thank you for your support. His tone has changed dramatically now im discussing actual consequences. Its bewildering.
He didn’t think he was going to lose you and now that there’s a threat he’s going to lovebomb you until you give him that crap all over again.
Im afraid so ....
I can’t imagine devastated I’d feel. I’d also get a lawyer. I’m so sorry.
Im very sorry. Please lean into healing. Grief is a process. Stay in your own shoes with this stuff. Good job reaching out for help.
Thank you. I already told some people at work as they noticed i wasny my happy energetic self. But then the tears come and i hate feeling so vulnerable I dont have a good support system. So losing the illusion of having a partner is devestating. And i had a very hard time accepting that this is not it.
Yeah just stick with it! I found great friends in my grieving process when my wife told me. This is much more common then it feels i bet. Crazy but my wife and I have never been better sience her affair but getting there took a ton of work on both our parts. Lean into the journey if you can!
I believe in second chances, and we were very young when we got together. Though the complete lack of respect and empathy towards my pain kind of closes the door.
Yup! Just let it all come my dear. There is no right or wrong here!
He's only telling you now because he thinks he has you trapped and you're more likely to accept it. Thank goodness you've not had a kid for him, he's shown you his red flags...run, run a mile!
Since he did this after therapy it must have really been bothering him. It’s up to you to decide what to do with that information.
Meeting with lawyers is what im gonna do with it. I might have to switch jobs.. i might have to sell my furniture. My goal is not losing my home.
-Consult your lawyer -talk to your mortgage specialist - start the paperwork to get everything put into your name. - divorce his ass. He’s proven to you you mean nothing, of course he’s starting the love bombing. His supply is leaving him and he doesn’t have a back up(yet). You deserve better
Already on it. Thank you though :)
I wouldn't do anything right now if I was you. Go about your life for a bit and see how you feel after some time has passed. Why did he cheat? The answer to this question matters a lot. He didn't care if you left back then when he cheated but he chose to tell you now. Why? Maybe he felt guilty and he thought telling you would make you feel better. Maybe whatever made him justify cheating is happening again and he is reaching out in a weird way. He should have taken it to the grave. It's the first only good advice Dr. Laura ever gave. :)
It was an oppurtinity one night stand, where he was very drunk. We had a fight before he left and i told him to please stay at his parents for the weekend so we had time to cool off. Gis hometown has this yearly festival and that's when in happened.
I just want to say that I’m really rooting for you and I’m hoping you get all the good things you deserve, including keeping the house. I’m sorry he caused you such pain.
❤️
I'm exactly there but 35 years in. Caught him cheating a year ago, it had been going on for 4 years. Then found out he was living with her while we dated, cheated with her after we moved in together and for a time after we married. If he refuses to do his own therapy and couples therapy, chances are slim you'll make it. But honestly with the way he hid this until you sunk your savings is incredible manipulation and my honest advice is to leave now.
He is in therapy, I stopped couples therapy after the shrug. I feel trapped and manipulated. Tomorrow my first morgage meeting.. im not hopefull but i have to know if there is any way.
Hows your situation now btw? I lost 5 years of thinking i understood my life, you lost nearly a lifetime. Are you getting support?
He is nearly in my rear view. I have support, without it I don't know where I'd be. I hope you have support too❤️❤️
don't be too hasty to divorce. you are hurting atm. I speak from experience that I realized that cheating is horrible and not worth the stress and guilt. she forgave me. we were in an open marriage at the time so in a way it had less impact as it was historic. I learned my lesson and never strayed again. sometimes it can actually bring you closer in the long term.
I dont think 8 months couples therapy is hasty. There has to be progression. Im not doing him a favour by staying when my resentment and distrust isnt being resolved. There are no winners in that situation.
sorry I wasn't aware of the 8 months therapy. my apologies. you have my sympathy. heartbreak is horrible and painful and can turn into hate. please be kind to yourself.
No problem, thank you :)
To be honest no, I don't think there is, No doubt the moment he heard or found out about the 3 lawyers he freaked out, There could be a chance he may try to manipulate or gaslight you, Honestly I wouldn't really talk to him until the lawyers come, But that's just me though
I will be dependent on him for a cordial agreement. If I have my way, he needs to give up his rights (by law). I did discuss the outcome of the counseling and asked him to reflect on if he was still planning on keeping his promises to make sure im not also financially fucked after breaking my heart. Well see what happens..
Run, don’t walk. Get away from him as fast as you can. There’s going to be a lot of manipulation coming from him after he realizes he’s fucked. #gaslighting
He told you on purpose. And there is more don’t fight over materials. If your done. Sell, split it, and dip!!!
I dont want to sell my house though.. thats the problem.
Ahhh. I see. Have your legal team make the house part of you request as all you want and then encourage him to accept, sign, move on…
I have interviews planned for a firm to help me.
5 years and in that time he could have given you an STD that if left untreated could have caused serious issues if not death. I would be upset about the investments but I'd be more upset at the complete lack of caring on his end for your health. I swear infidelity should be a crime labeled as possible man slaughter.
Agreed. Disgusting that he even convinced himself he could love. This isn't love.
What motivated him to confess? I'm surprised that he didn't just keep it to himself. But the shrug??? It seems a bit off to me. Why wait all of this time to finally confess? Has he been ill recently? I read a post somewhere, where a husband lied to his wife about cheating which also lead to their divorce which is what he had intended. She found out a few years later he had been diagnosed with a terminal cancer and had passed away. His motivation was that he didn't want to put her through the struggle of watching him die. Basically he took her agency away to make an "informed" decision for herself. She would have stayed with him and supported him through his journey because that is what loving committed spouses do. He was misguided and she was deeply hurt all over again. It took years of therapy for her to finally come to terms with all he had done to them as a couple and to her individually. Is it possible your husband is doing the same?. Lying to you in the misguided belief he's protecting you? Some people make some really stupid choices abd decisions when they are under stress. I'd do some independent investigation if I were you. It just seems strange that he's confessing to a one night stand from 5 years ago now and then shrugs his shoulders like it's no big deal. Something smelling fishy here.
He confessed after 1 therapy session because he came to the conclusion that he wanted connection and intimacy and holding secrets was not helping. The shrug happened after i told him I felt that 5 years of my life were stolen. Apparently he cant emphazise with the fact that questioning every moment in your past is devestating and leads to an immense feeling of disorientation.
Sounds like he confessed for himself and not so much for you. Sadly, cheaters are incredibly selfish people. It takes lots of therapy and an epiphany moment for them to finally see beyond themselves and how their selfish behaviours affects others. I hope all goes well for you on this rollercoaster journey you are on.
That shrug was just a cherry on top. He is showing you who he is and how much you don't matter to him.
You can heal from this!! I know it's devastating news and you may feel broken emotionally, mentally and possibly spiritually..But the way to heal from this at this point..I believe is to work on your emotional and mental health by stopping all negative thoughts and looking backwards..I recommend Journaling,praying/meditating,getting out in nature and seeking a therapist that you gel with...Also,I would work on healing all your past traumas especially any childhood and any bad programming from your parents,family,society news,social media..etc If you don't heal your emotional and mental wounds you will continue to put yourself in similar romantic situations when it comes to relationships..I also recommend reading books,articles and watching YouTube videos about healing trauma,mental programming and emotional intelligence..I personally watch"The Crappy Childhood Fairy" ,"Lewis howes","Dr.Joe Dispenza on YouTube"... I've spent over 40yrs surviving many different traumas and the last 6yrs healing them and pulling myself out of that dark mental,emotional and spirtual abyss... We all need to heal from something and the sooner we start the sooner we go from surviving day to day,to living the lives we want to thriving.. I wish you healing and happiness!!
If your savings was there prior to marriage you may be able to recover that with the sale of the house.
I really dont want to sell though. I love my house. I hope to be able to transfer the mortgage to only me.. Im meeting 3 financial counsellors / lawyers to resesrch options. If i have to sell and start over.. i dont even want to think about it. Like many countries we have housing shortage.
Have an attorney look at it. If you decide to get a divorce try to work things out between you both rather than fighting it out in court. It will be so much cheaper. I'm sorry this has happened. I have been betrayed in two separate marriages, one of them causing me to have to file bankruptcy and I had to pay spousal support for 5 years. It sucks but the sooner gets out of the mess, the faster you can move on and feel better emotionally.
Yes i have 3 appointments the coming weeks. I have to understand my options and what actions i need to take. I would have sworn that he would never leave me high and dry. Now... im not so sure anymore.
Definitely doing the right thing talking to a lawyer. He sucks.
Not sure what he was trying to prove telling you 5 years later!! I guess he just thought you would say oh ok and move on. Did he say why he told you
This is going to sound insane: he told me because he longed for a deeper connection and the secret was standing in the way of that ......
I know you may feel like you're havibg a reaction you don't quite understand. All I can say is I'd feel the EXACT same way as you about being robbed. It is like a double betrayal. The shrugging would have broken my heart.
r/burbnbougie
Sounds like a sad life to me. Im not delusion so i wont pretend to speak for billion's of people, but a lot of men dont appreciate bring lied to either.
You need to forgive him. If you would have never know would you still be with him?
If i was a worm would he still love me?
Exactly.
Divorce. What an a*^%hole. His arrogant self thought you would just stay??? What kind of response is a shrug????? DIVORCE.
They always care when it’s too late… sorry this happened to you and sorry the pos hid it from you just to save his own a$$…
You admitted that the TWO of you had dysfunctional patterns. Now he is being honest with you, it probably cost him a lot to share this with you....not an easy conversation. And now you call lawyers.....where is love in this? I get you got hurt, bit lawyers is not the solution if love is your priority.
I hope one day youll figure out that setting yourself on fire to keep the other person warm is not how love is supposed to be expressed. After the difficult confession we did 8 months of couples therapy. Fun fact, there was no need for a confession if he didnt cheat!
His response says it all. I wouldn’t back down from a divorce.
I can only say I am so sorry!!!
You said unhealthy patterns when you started together... What does that mean? Does that mean you both cheated when you were younger? I'm just asking because if you're both cheaters, then you're only telling the one side of the story to make yourself look better, instead of being transparent... Because you want sympathy. Understandable, but a shitty move, imo. If you're both cheaters in the past, or if you cheated on him... Then you deserve each other. If you care about the relationship still, go to counseling, see if it's salvageable. If you can't get past this, then by well means meet with the lawyers, find a good one, and then plan to sell the house, as marital assets belong to each of you 50/50... Because money earned/saved during the marriage, or brought into the marriage without a prenup, are also considered marital assets as well. You'll be hard pressed to find a judge who will just award you the house. Now... If you can refinance it in your name, and buy him out of the equity you guys have in the house that he'd be entitled to in a sale... Then you'd be able to do that.
Fact is those years are fine and divorce won't bring them back. I wish you guys the best. Least he admitted it and is repentant. I know plenty of happy marriages that got over such indiscretions. Divorce is hell...
Thank you. He seems willing to be a better person right now. Im scared how things will turn out when the financial consequences get clear... thank you anyway
You are welcome! I know Reddit loves to tell people to throw their marriages away but in real life, many many happily married couples made huge mistakes early in their marriage. Forgiveness is a forgotten art but it's how marriages last. Guys today mature slower, not that it's an excuse, just context. May your love and home endure this and become stronger than ever.
The relationship is definitely ending. I do think couples can come stronger out of these situations. But not us unfortunately. We did 8 month's couples therapy. Weekly check ups to discuss our needs. Date nights, weekend trips, lunchwalks, home renovations, you name it. But he cant take accountability how it has affected me. Shuts down conversations about it. It is too painfull for him. At some point the options are spent..
You’re right… he robbed you of being able to make an informed decision on what you would have wanted to do if you knew 5 years ago. What was the reason he came clean after all this time?
Fuck his dad!
And this is why we don't tell women the truth ...