Can you sit down for an hour without distractions and write up a plan of what you need each other to do? Tape it to the fridge so it doesn't get forgotten.
She suggested that but I feel like that’s a chore list. I don’t want to treat her like a child. I’m not opposed to cleaning, I just don’t want to be taken advantage of
I don't understand your reaction.
You tell her what you want done and how you feel about it and that ends with her stonewalling, so it's not effective. Then she suggests an alternative by writing it down and you refuse? If the outcome could be the same (i.e. you not feeling taken advantage of) then why not give it a try. Also, with her making the suggestions it's likely to be more effective.
Let me give you a simple example from my marriage.
My wife and i have a great marriage but there was a patch where we were both feeling like the other just wasnt doing enough
Long story short.
I offered to do one chore she absolutely hated - Laundry
She offered to do one chore I absolutely hated - Dishes
We both do general cleaning otherwise as we find time. We both have a rule. 1 hour a day of just focused cleaning no distractions. This is separate from those main shitty chores that a long time.
I do it in the morning when I drop off the kids for school and have an hour and a half before work.
She does it before work in the evening.
Everything runs smooth.
I dont mind laundry at all, i swap loads between stuff at work since I work from home and fold and put away while i watch tv at night before bed.
She doesnt mind dishes now that her mind is off laundry. Everyone is happy.
Do we have some weeks where either of us drops the ball? Sure.
We dont get after eachother over it. We just reassure eachother its ok to have an off week and one of us picks up the slack for a bit.
My husband and I do the same thing. I often have to do my chores in like 10 minute bursts with a timer due to my ADHD but we started playing to each others strengths instead of feeling we had to split every task in half.
I know you would prefer she just do it without being asked or without a list, and to your standard, but she isn’t as bothered by this as you are, or as observant. So, instead of fighting, give her an opportunity to succeed and you might both be happier.
If she’s open to a list it’s not treating her like a child. My husband and I use a chore list app called “our home” it’s great. Like if she genuinely seems like she will take a list and follow it, it might work.
THIS!!! She may honestly not think about it by just seeing a mess. Sometimes lists are great reminders for some people and keeps them accountable for what they can do. With young kids she may not get to everything on her list Everytime or sometimes she might but again, kids continue to make messes. Practice this now and see if it works and if it does it will be a great tool for when the kids are old enough to participate. Kids learn best by example.
You’re getting downvoted but I will say that if a husband suggested his wife make him a list of chores people freak the fuck out about that too, because it “puts all the mental load on her to plan chores”. But, apparently in this case it’s fine to put the mental load on you for this.
Tbh I’ve always thought that people freaking out about mental load over making lists is dumb. If someone has higher standards for what they want done, man or woman, it’s a good tool for that. I do think it’s a good suggestion and it probably will help.
Our good friends that we hang out with a lot, she has to give him a daily chore list (he is retired, she is not) to do or he will do nothing. My hubby is adhd and is a massive chaotic crapmeister, I just get a box and start throwing stuff in it and he hops into action. 😂
My husband has adhd - the man needs a list. He gets overwhelmed when having too many tasks and no direction.
Example - he’s cleaning the living room and there is a blanket. He folds the blanket and takes it to the bedroom. He then sees some kid shoes and takes it to their bedroom. In there, he sees the book our oldest should have read the night before. He then takes the book and goes to his office so he can get her to read it when she gets out of school. Once he’s back in his office he’s forgotten what he was doing.
Having a list helps him stay focused on areas and tasks. If his task is to do floors and only floors. He’ll vacuum and then mop - and he does it without looking at other things that need to be cleaned.
My brain doesn’t work like that but I’ve been married to this man a decade and we are both learning how to work around his adhd. Also, he was diagnosed at the beginning of our relationship so it’s been something he’s constantly trying to navigate.
I agree that it is annoying, but I don't suffer from the chaos of an adhd brain. Checklists are known to help those who have this issue because they can visually see the progress being made.
Good luck!
I don't parent, if you ask my now adult sons my most used phrase growing up it would be "suck it up buttercup".
I understand how his brain works so there is a bit of leeway given especially since he is also disabled now.
We’re in a tricky situation. I make $78,000/yr. If she were to get a job, our health insurance and taxes go up. Plus child care for the little one would put us in the hole.
I feel like this isn't a fair comment. OP brings in roughly 5k net a month. We don't know their average expenses or if he pays state income tax, but assuming his wife could get a job at 15/hr with minor experience makes her out to be making 30k a year on top of his 78k, making 108k a year a total. Daycare is roughly 1k a month for a little one until public Kindergarten, and the wife would be essentially spending 12k a year or almost 60% of her annual income while also factoring in less flexibility and potential PTO.
Obviously if OP really makes to want it to work, sacrifices will be made, but I can't help but wonder if resentment would be built on both sides.
There's not information provided to make a practical or reasonable decision
I get that! But if she is mentally in a place where she can’t go on( I see this happen a lot)then you’re going to have to take unconventional routes. Not everyone has the stamina it takes to be a SAHP. He’s either going to have to cha get his expectations or change the situation. I am not saying it’s easy or convenient or even efficient, but something has to chang, and it’s probably not her doing what she is doing and expecting different results.
I bet resentment is already building.
Because we know nothing about his wife and when it comes to big changes in a family's home situation it's best to prepare for a worst case scenario to determine if it's even a viable plan
My husband has a similar job and I’m a sahm. I hate to clean. But I take care of our three kids, do laundry and dishes, and of course clean when I have to. The fact that he even helps at all imo helps me immensely(because he works all day and pays the bills). And I certainly always clean up after myself. That’s just something you do as an adult, with or without having a spouse. So I kinda understand that she doesn’t like to clean but like, when you live with other people, you gotta help out. She doesn’t understand why you want her to even clean up after herself?! That’s what throws me. Is it possible she has undiagnosed depression? I’ve had depression for 20 years so I’m certainly not judging! She should be willing to help you or at least be willing to work on figuring out her mental state. Cuz this just isn’t fair to you. You sound like an excellent husband! Maybe see if she’ll consider counseling?
I suggested counseling but she shut it down. She does have depression but doesn’t want to treat it. She told the doctor that she’s handling it. The doctor told her that if it’s stopping her from doing things, then she’s not handling it. She still refuses
Ugh I’m sorry. Of course depression can cause this behavior…but the fact that she doesn’t seem to want to help you or herself is concerning! I’m sad about the situation for you, it seems like you’re doing all you can. Would she clean up WITH you? Like hey babe I’m gonna get rid of this trash, can you grab the dirty laundry? And maybe try to do it together. It does seem like she is under appreciating you but I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn’t realize this? Maybe thank her for the things she does do first and then ask her for help in cleaning up? I’m thinking when you say to her that you feel like she’s using you she feels “attacked” and that’s why she shuts down. Not that you are attacking her, but I’m thinking she might not be doing this on purpose as an affront to you, but just that she’s seriously depressed. I’d talk to her about her mental state and ask her to consider counseling again. Or medication, whatever. And if she refuses ask her why she thinks all of this is ok. If she’s of sound mind she should at least recognize the situation is a bit out of control. And then ask her what SHE recommends you do. She thinks she’s fine etc etc so what’s her solution ya know? She can’t honestly think just living around trash like that is healthy. I hope. Goodness, I really wish you the best of luck.
You two need to sit down and have a family meeting. Remember, you're both on the same team. Write up a list of things each of you is responsible for doing.
If your wife is leaving trash all over the house, she's a slob. Has she not heard of a garbage can?
I can understand not liking to clean, it’s definitely not anyone’s daily highlight. I work full time and my husband does as well but his is more seasonal where it’s super busy like 14 hr days spring and summer and a lot less like 4 hours in the winter. So during the slow times I ask him to do more around the house. At first I’d just say random stuff and he would never remember. I thought doing a list was dumb and felt like can’t you just see what needs done, but people aren’t mind readers and my idea of this needs done might not be in his radar. So I started writing a list on Monday of stuff I wanted done before the weekend. It helped a ton. He would cross stuff off each day as he had time and it always was complete by Friday afternoon. This was great because it allowed him to get it done on his schedule and let me not have to continually ask since it was already on paper.
We have the kids clean up their own mess. It’s trash that she generates. For example. I cleaned the room last month and found that she just throws stuff around instead of walking it to the trash can. We have one in every room. Now she’s pissy because she’s cleaning it now and all her stuff is everywhere. Napkins, soda bottles, bandages.
Question have you always done everything for her throughout the entire relationship? Meaning you basically dont let her get her hands dirty, likedoing almost everything for her?
When we moved in together, it was fine. Then she got pregnant and almost lost the baby. She got put on bedrest and I have to do everything. Then after the baby, she was very weak. Then she just fell into a rut. I am fully aware that I enabled her, which is why I’m standing up for myself now.
Glad you figured it out. That was my main suspicion, you enabled her. Truth is when it comes to this, unless you give consequences she have zero incentive to change. Standing up for yourself is the first step, now showing you mean business is the next. Whatever benefits she gain from you need to stop
I would love to recommend the F.L.Y. Lady cleaning schedule, super cheap to download off of Etsy and print up for her. She sounds like she’s kind of depressed though too. Giving her motivation and measurable steps to get back on track will be great for her. I can struggle with depression pretty consistently and some PMDD (severe PMS) and I’m suspecting ADHD (which puts my energy into useless things and it’s annoying), but sometimes you just gotta realize you gotta do it because no one is coming to save you (but that’s just my way of looking at things), and if I need to cry, I have a cry and then fold the laundry (or while). They have some beautiful layouts on Etsy and I can’t recommend FLY Lady enough! These don’t feel like “chore charts”, and they’re just lovely. Romantizing life, especially for SAHMs makes such a difference.
Bite size bits to keep clutter from building up, it really is so easy to keep up with!!
You should both make a list of 5 things you need from each other to feel supported and seen in the relationship. This can include work, chores, sex, childcare, etc. Once you have your list, make specific notes as to what that entails. Ex: if you need more intimacy — more physical touch? More kissing? More sex? More "I love yous"? Etc. There is only so much you can do though. If you're making all the effort to change and she's not budging, she's making the choice not to meet your needs. You'll have to consider if that's something you can live with or if it's a deal breaker.
There is only a problem if she is sitting in front of the TV or on her phone and hence the mess. But if she is struggling to cope with kids and house, the offer is to do 1 or 2 jobs when you come home. You can not do the whole house but say to her, she can request 2 jobs that will take unto 30mins. Then you need to rest to have the energy for the next day of work.
It's just a thought.
What ages are your children? Does she cook every day? What household chores do each of you do most of the time? I would ask her if you could sit down and make a list of what each person does now and what should change so the household could run smoother, and both of you may be happier. Is there a reason why she leaves trash all over and doesn’t do much? Do you think she could be depressed or have postpartum? I definitely would find out how she is feeling and what is going on with her. Otherwise not much may change.
I shared my feeling a few times. Now they just get used against me. Watch enough videos on this and you will learn the average outcome of the average husband sharing his feelings with the average modern wife is that she WILL weaponize those feelings against you later on. Best advice is to get a few close men to call friend and share struggles with them NOT her. Either way you face a 50% chance of divorce where she will most likely initiate...at least she will have less information to terrorize you with later on. The truth is a bitter pill.
So, I just want to ask, how old are your kids and are they with her the whole day? Are they”her” messes or are these messes that are actually a reflection of your entire family? And when you come home and clean, are you cleaning messes that were there when you left or messes that occurred in the care of your kids? Also, who cooks and does the mental labor? I’m asking to get a better sense of why she might be upset about you “feeling used” and why she doesn’t think more effort is what is needed on her part.
These messes are generated after I clean. Our oldest goes to school and comes home when I do. The youngest knows to put his stuff away when he’s done. Even still, toys aren’t the problem. It’s when she uses a dish or generates trash and leaves it. I’ve even left it for her to pick up and she doesn’t. There’s a clear difference between her side of the bedroom and mine. Also, she cooks when she feels like it. However, I’ve been doing the cooking or ordering out. She’s been either waiting too long to make dinner or doesn’t get anything out of the freezer in time.
If she is a homemaker and if the kids go somewhere during the day, she should manage to get some of the housekeeping under control. Although I understand that it can quickly get messy when taking care of the kids.
Can you guys sit down about what needs to be done, how frequently, and try to distribute tasks in a way that would seem to work?
I do understand, I’ve been off work little over a month and really am the only one that does anything besides cooks, for the most part that’s her. She’s currently out of school until August and she’s picking up couple more days throughout the week because she’s only scheduled to work 32 hours between Saturday and Sunday but if it’s not cooking I’m the only one doing anything. When I was working 60+ hours a week just last month she always bitched that she had to pick up my slack while she was working and going to school. But she was home more times throughout the week and longer than I was. But I was expected to do the majority of housework. U need to tell her u provide for the family she needs to do the majority of the housework. It’s only fair and if not she’s gonna have to get a job to pay for someone to come n and clean because your not getting off of work to come home to work when she’s there all day lounging around making messes. Don’t be used bro or manipulated into provider and Susie homemaker. U need time to relax to. Good luck
Former Stay At Home Dad here....
Kids are tough, but there is absolutely no excuse for the stay at home person not to get their act together. She's dropping the ball.
If the genders were swapped how many people would be telling this guy his wife doesn’t want another child to take care of and be accusing him of weaponized incompetence? ;)
Yea, my wife leaves a wake of destruction at the house when she's off with the kids. I keep my stuff clean and organized, and I just remind her that all the stuff everywhere is of her doing and not my mess.
My first questions would be...how many kids do you have? And does she have any health issues that would slow her down somehow?
I'm a stay at home mom and I'm also disabled. My husband works full time (12 hr shifts). When he comes homes he jumps in to help me finish what needs to be done. Somedays it's more things than others, but he understands that I do things for hours a day and am just as tired as he is. I just can't get things done as fast. Even anxiety or depression can be making her not do certain things and get defensive about it. I've dealt with that before too. Have you sat down and asked her if she's struggling with those things? Most of the time, that isn't information people share willingly.
I suggest a petite 20 something year old with a nice ass and a very firm pair of
(•)(•)and put her to work helping the wife cleaning and helping maintain the house and maybe child care. Just saying if she realizes that there is a serious possibility that she can be replaced with a newer firmer model maybe 🧐🧐🧐🤔🤔🤔🤔 could change. If she stays the same well at that time you need to start thinking about upgrades
Can you sit down for an hour without distractions and write up a plan of what you need each other to do? Tape it to the fridge so it doesn't get forgotten.
She suggested that but I feel like that’s a chore list. I don’t want to treat her like a child. I’m not opposed to cleaning, I just don’t want to be taken advantage of
I don't understand your reaction. You tell her what you want done and how you feel about it and that ends with her stonewalling, so it's not effective. Then she suggests an alternative by writing it down and you refuse? If the outcome could be the same (i.e. you not feeling taken advantage of) then why not give it a try. Also, with her making the suggestions it's likely to be more effective.
You guys have a point. This might be the solution we need
Let me give you a simple example from my marriage. My wife and i have a great marriage but there was a patch where we were both feeling like the other just wasnt doing enough Long story short. I offered to do one chore she absolutely hated - Laundry She offered to do one chore I absolutely hated - Dishes We both do general cleaning otherwise as we find time. We both have a rule. 1 hour a day of just focused cleaning no distractions. This is separate from those main shitty chores that a long time. I do it in the morning when I drop off the kids for school and have an hour and a half before work. She does it before work in the evening. Everything runs smooth. I dont mind laundry at all, i swap loads between stuff at work since I work from home and fold and put away while i watch tv at night before bed. She doesnt mind dishes now that her mind is off laundry. Everyone is happy. Do we have some weeks where either of us drops the ball? Sure. We dont get after eachother over it. We just reassure eachother its ok to have an off week and one of us picks up the slack for a bit.
My husband and I do the same thing. I often have to do my chores in like 10 minute bursts with a timer due to my ADHD but we started playing to each others strengths instead of feeling we had to split every task in half.
I know you would prefer she just do it without being asked or without a list, and to your standard, but she isn’t as bothered by this as you are, or as observant. So, instead of fighting, give her an opportunity to succeed and you might both be happier.
If she’s open to a list it’s not treating her like a child. My husband and I use a chore list app called “our home” it’s great. Like if she genuinely seems like she will take a list and follow it, it might work.
THIS!!! She may honestly not think about it by just seeing a mess. Sometimes lists are great reminders for some people and keeps them accountable for what they can do. With young kids she may not get to everything on her list Everytime or sometimes she might but again, kids continue to make messes. Practice this now and see if it works and if it does it will be a great tool for when the kids are old enough to participate. Kids learn best by example.
There is nothing wrong with a chore list. I use one, and it's just me.
Soooo, you don’t want to solve the problem is what you’re saying….
Wut I am a grown ass man pushing forty with a 33 yr old partner and a five year old and every damn one of uses a chore list.
You’re getting downvoted but I will say that if a husband suggested his wife make him a list of chores people freak the fuck out about that too, because it “puts all the mental load on her to plan chores”. But, apparently in this case it’s fine to put the mental load on you for this. Tbh I’ve always thought that people freaking out about mental load over making lists is dumb. If someone has higher standards for what they want done, man or woman, it’s a good tool for that. I do think it’s a good suggestion and it probably will help.
Our good friends that we hang out with a lot, she has to give him a daily chore list (he is retired, she is not) to do or he will do nothing. My hubby is adhd and is a massive chaotic crapmeister, I just get a box and start throwing stuff in it and he hops into action. 😂
Maybe she is adhd. Once we had the argument, she started cleaning the room. The more I’m on here, the more the chores list makes sense
My husband has adhd - the man needs a list. He gets overwhelmed when having too many tasks and no direction. Example - he’s cleaning the living room and there is a blanket. He folds the blanket and takes it to the bedroom. He then sees some kid shoes and takes it to their bedroom. In there, he sees the book our oldest should have read the night before. He then takes the book and goes to his office so he can get her to read it when she gets out of school. Once he’s back in his office he’s forgotten what he was doing. Having a list helps him stay focused on areas and tasks. If his task is to do floors and only floors. He’ll vacuum and then mop - and he does it without looking at other things that need to be cleaned. My brain doesn’t work like that but I’ve been married to this man a decade and we are both learning how to work around his adhd. Also, he was diagnosed at the beginning of our relationship so it’s been something he’s constantly trying to navigate.
This is how I clean. I start out in the bathroom and an hour later, I’m in Costco buying houseplants. **And this is ON adhd medication.**
Tbf adhd meds can make you focus too much on the wrong thing too haha
Definitely lololol
Same as my husband 😂
I feel for you, my friend, I really do . You and my husband need a support group 😂😂
I agree that it is annoying, but I don't suffer from the chaos of an adhd brain. Checklists are known to help those who have this issue because they can visually see the progress being made. Good luck!
I love my lists!
Depression can be a side effect of adhd, if she has other symptoms, it might be worth getting her evaluated.
She sounds more depressed than ADHD
Sounds like he’s just lazy and immature. Who wants to parent their partner?
I don't parent, if you ask my now adult sons my most used phrase growing up it would be "suck it up buttercup". I understand how his brain works so there is a bit of leeway given especially since he is also disabled now.
And those sound like excuses, but it’s not my problem so whatever
No offense, but I'd rather deal with the hubby's minor messy issues than "your know it all attitude" any day. 😘
I second that.
Fine by me. Not my problem
Does she want to be a SAHM?
We’re in a tricky situation. I make $78,000/yr. If she were to get a job, our health insurance and taxes go up. Plus child care for the little one would put us in the hole.
You didn’t answer the question. I get all that but you still have to consider if it’s best for her. Seasons change and so do needs.
She says she wants to work. We’re trying to wait until the little one is in school
You may need to pull the trigger and do it earlier.l, for you and for her. What you’re doing isn’t working.
I feel like this isn't a fair comment. OP brings in roughly 5k net a month. We don't know their average expenses or if he pays state income tax, but assuming his wife could get a job at 15/hr with minor experience makes her out to be making 30k a year on top of his 78k, making 108k a year a total. Daycare is roughly 1k a month for a little one until public Kindergarten, and the wife would be essentially spending 12k a year or almost 60% of her annual income while also factoring in less flexibility and potential PTO. Obviously if OP really makes to want it to work, sacrifices will be made, but I can't help but wonder if resentment would be built on both sides. There's not information provided to make a practical or reasonable decision
I get that! But if she is mentally in a place where she can’t go on( I see this happen a lot)then you’re going to have to take unconventional routes. Not everyone has the stamina it takes to be a SAHP. He’s either going to have to cha get his expectations or change the situation. I am not saying it’s easy or convenient or even efficient, but something has to chang, and it’s probably not her doing what she is doing and expecting different results. I bet resentment is already building.
Yea I agree with you. Doing what they're doing clearly isn't working
Why would you assume she makes minimum wage?
Because we know nothing about his wife and when it comes to big changes in a family's home situation it's best to prepare for a worst case scenario to determine if it's even a viable plan
Well, look at this: a reasonable comment. 🥲
How old are the kids? It’s really hard to clean house with babies/toddlers. Looking after them is a full time job.
My husband has a similar job and I’m a sahm. I hate to clean. But I take care of our three kids, do laundry and dishes, and of course clean when I have to. The fact that he even helps at all imo helps me immensely(because he works all day and pays the bills). And I certainly always clean up after myself. That’s just something you do as an adult, with or without having a spouse. So I kinda understand that she doesn’t like to clean but like, when you live with other people, you gotta help out. She doesn’t understand why you want her to even clean up after herself?! That’s what throws me. Is it possible she has undiagnosed depression? I’ve had depression for 20 years so I’m certainly not judging! She should be willing to help you or at least be willing to work on figuring out her mental state. Cuz this just isn’t fair to you. You sound like an excellent husband! Maybe see if she’ll consider counseling?
I suggested counseling but she shut it down. She does have depression but doesn’t want to treat it. She told the doctor that she’s handling it. The doctor told her that if it’s stopping her from doing things, then she’s not handling it. She still refuses
Ugh I’m sorry. Of course depression can cause this behavior…but the fact that she doesn’t seem to want to help you or herself is concerning! I’m sad about the situation for you, it seems like you’re doing all you can. Would she clean up WITH you? Like hey babe I’m gonna get rid of this trash, can you grab the dirty laundry? And maybe try to do it together. It does seem like she is under appreciating you but I wanna give her the benefit of the doubt that maybe she doesn’t realize this? Maybe thank her for the things she does do first and then ask her for help in cleaning up? I’m thinking when you say to her that you feel like she’s using you she feels “attacked” and that’s why she shuts down. Not that you are attacking her, but I’m thinking she might not be doing this on purpose as an affront to you, but just that she’s seriously depressed. I’d talk to her about her mental state and ask her to consider counseling again. Or medication, whatever. And if she refuses ask her why she thinks all of this is ok. If she’s of sound mind she should at least recognize the situation is a bit out of control. And then ask her what SHE recommends you do. She thinks she’s fine etc etc so what’s her solution ya know? She can’t honestly think just living around trash like that is healthy. I hope. Goodness, I really wish you the best of luck.
You two need to sit down and have a family meeting. Remember, you're both on the same team. Write up a list of things each of you is responsible for doing. If your wife is leaving trash all over the house, she's a slob. Has she not heard of a garbage can?
I can understand not liking to clean, it’s definitely not anyone’s daily highlight. I work full time and my husband does as well but his is more seasonal where it’s super busy like 14 hr days spring and summer and a lot less like 4 hours in the winter. So during the slow times I ask him to do more around the house. At first I’d just say random stuff and he would never remember. I thought doing a list was dumb and felt like can’t you just see what needs done, but people aren’t mind readers and my idea of this needs done might not be in his radar. So I started writing a list on Monday of stuff I wanted done before the weekend. It helped a ton. He would cross stuff off each day as he had time and it always was complete by Friday afternoon. This was great because it allowed him to get it done on his schedule and let me not have to continually ask since it was already on paper.
How many kids and how old?
Two kids. 10 and 3. Both boys
What kind of trash is it? Are your kids making the mess or is she?
We have the kids clean up their own mess. It’s trash that she generates. For example. I cleaned the room last month and found that she just throws stuff around instead of walking it to the trash can. We have one in every room. Now she’s pissy because she’s cleaning it now and all her stuff is everywhere. Napkins, soda bottles, bandages.
Well that's gross and I would be annoyed too.
This context is important imo. It isn't that you need the house spotless. You just need her to not be disgusting.
Question have you always done everything for her throughout the entire relationship? Meaning you basically dont let her get her hands dirty, likedoing almost everything for her?
When we moved in together, it was fine. Then she got pregnant and almost lost the baby. She got put on bedrest and I have to do everything. Then after the baby, she was very weak. Then she just fell into a rut. I am fully aware that I enabled her, which is why I’m standing up for myself now.
Glad you figured it out. That was my main suspicion, you enabled her. Truth is when it comes to this, unless you give consequences she have zero incentive to change. Standing up for yourself is the first step, now showing you mean business is the next. Whatever benefits she gain from you need to stop
I would love to recommend the F.L.Y. Lady cleaning schedule, super cheap to download off of Etsy and print up for her. She sounds like she’s kind of depressed though too. Giving her motivation and measurable steps to get back on track will be great for her. I can struggle with depression pretty consistently and some PMDD (severe PMS) and I’m suspecting ADHD (which puts my energy into useless things and it’s annoying), but sometimes you just gotta realize you gotta do it because no one is coming to save you (but that’s just my way of looking at things), and if I need to cry, I have a cry and then fold the laundry (or while). They have some beautiful layouts on Etsy and I can’t recommend FLY Lady enough! These don’t feel like “chore charts”, and they’re just lovely. Romantizing life, especially for SAHMs makes such a difference. Bite size bits to keep clutter from building up, it really is so easy to keep up with!!
You should both make a list of 5 things you need from each other to feel supported and seen in the relationship. This can include work, chores, sex, childcare, etc. Once you have your list, make specific notes as to what that entails. Ex: if you need more intimacy — more physical touch? More kissing? More sex? More "I love yous"? Etc. There is only so much you can do though. If you're making all the effort to change and she's not budging, she's making the choice not to meet your needs. You'll have to consider if that's something you can live with or if it's a deal breaker.
There is only a problem if she is sitting in front of the TV or on her phone and hence the mess. But if she is struggling to cope with kids and house, the offer is to do 1 or 2 jobs when you come home. You can not do the whole house but say to her, she can request 2 jobs that will take unto 30mins. Then you need to rest to have the energy for the next day of work. It's just a thought.
Could your wife be depressed or burned out? Perhaps you could consider individual counseling and marriage counseling.
People only change when they want to. Or when the consequences get too hard for them, forcing them to change.
What ages are your children? Does she cook every day? What household chores do each of you do most of the time? I would ask her if you could sit down and make a list of what each person does now and what should change so the household could run smoother, and both of you may be happier. Is there a reason why she leaves trash all over and doesn’t do much? Do you think she could be depressed or have postpartum? I definitely would find out how she is feeling and what is going on with her. Otherwise not much may change.
I shared my feeling a few times. Now they just get used against me. Watch enough videos on this and you will learn the average outcome of the average husband sharing his feelings with the average modern wife is that she WILL weaponize those feelings against you later on. Best advice is to get a few close men to call friend and share struggles with them NOT her. Either way you face a 50% chance of divorce where she will most likely initiate...at least she will have less information to terrorize you with later on. The truth is a bitter pill.
So, I just want to ask, how old are your kids and are they with her the whole day? Are they”her” messes or are these messes that are actually a reflection of your entire family? And when you come home and clean, are you cleaning messes that were there when you left or messes that occurred in the care of your kids? Also, who cooks and does the mental labor? I’m asking to get a better sense of why she might be upset about you “feeling used” and why she doesn’t think more effort is what is needed on her part.
These messes are generated after I clean. Our oldest goes to school and comes home when I do. The youngest knows to put his stuff away when he’s done. Even still, toys aren’t the problem. It’s when she uses a dish or generates trash and leaves it. I’ve even left it for her to pick up and she doesn’t. There’s a clear difference between her side of the bedroom and mine. Also, she cooks when she feels like it. However, I’ve been doing the cooking or ordering out. She’s been either waiting too long to make dinner or doesn’t get anything out of the freezer in time.
If she is a homemaker and if the kids go somewhere during the day, she should manage to get some of the housekeeping under control. Although I understand that it can quickly get messy when taking care of the kids. Can you guys sit down about what needs to be done, how frequently, and try to distribute tasks in a way that would seem to work?
I do understand, I’ve been off work little over a month and really am the only one that does anything besides cooks, for the most part that’s her. She’s currently out of school until August and she’s picking up couple more days throughout the week because she’s only scheduled to work 32 hours between Saturday and Sunday but if it’s not cooking I’m the only one doing anything. When I was working 60+ hours a week just last month she always bitched that she had to pick up my slack while she was working and going to school. But she was home more times throughout the week and longer than I was. But I was expected to do the majority of housework. U need to tell her u provide for the family she needs to do the majority of the housework. It’s only fair and if not she’s gonna have to get a job to pay for someone to come n and clean because your not getting off of work to come home to work when she’s there all day lounging around making messes. Don’t be used bro or manipulated into provider and Susie homemaker. U need time to relax to. Good luck
Former Stay At Home Dad here.... Kids are tough, but there is absolutely no excuse for the stay at home person not to get their act together. She's dropping the ball.
U should tell her what u see is what I get..there is no more or less of me get use to it
If the genders were swapped how many people would be telling this guy his wife doesn’t want another child to take care of and be accusing him of weaponized incompetence? ;)
Yea, my wife leaves a wake of destruction at the house when she's off with the kids. I keep my stuff clean and organized, and I just remind her that all the stuff everywhere is of her doing and not my mess.
My first questions would be...how many kids do you have? And does she have any health issues that would slow her down somehow? I'm a stay at home mom and I'm also disabled. My husband works full time (12 hr shifts). When he comes homes he jumps in to help me finish what needs to be done. Somedays it's more things than others, but he understands that I do things for hours a day and am just as tired as he is. I just can't get things done as fast. Even anxiety or depression can be making her not do certain things and get defensive about it. I've dealt with that before too. Have you sat down and asked her if she's struggling with those things? Most of the time, that isn't information people share willingly.
Does she have ADHD?
Nope
I suggest a petite 20 something year old with a nice ass and a very firm pair of (•)(•)and put her to work helping the wife cleaning and helping maintain the house and maybe child care. Just saying if she realizes that there is a serious possibility that she can be replaced with a newer firmer model maybe 🧐🧐🧐🤔🤔🤔🤔 could change. If she stays the same well at that time you need to start thinking about upgrades