All I can say is this is your golden ticket to escape this relationship with no children and also super young and with plenty of time to find someone else. It’s just a matter of time until he repeats the same pattern with you. And if you stay you already know you’ve been warned.
Yes, thank you for bringing this up. Until recently, homicide was the leading cause of death in pregnant women in the United States, I read somewhere that this has changed? And now it’s the second. However, it’s also a common pattern for men to cheat during pregnancy. There are studies showing that it’s when cheaters cheat the most.
Who’s lonely and miserable? Telling someone that’s husband, who at the minimum, has anger management issues to leave is not being miserable and lonely. Life too short to be held back by aholes.
That's a wild generalization. I'm happily married, in decent shape, have great friends and I'm very happy with my life. I comment on these subs because I almost married someone scary, who was controlling and made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells. If I had gone through with that marriage (and I really, really loved him) I would either be divorced or dead today. I was shocked at how easy a relationship could be when I met my (now) husband. He's kind, and I feel safe with him. If he dies, I will not date again because the risk is not worth it. Other people deserve to have that feeling of dating someone safe too, or realizing that marriage might not be worth the effort and pain, especially when you can be fulfilled socially in plenty of other ways.
Maybe head on over to r/bpdlovedones. My marriage has been 10 years living in hell. You’re in for a ride unless your husband gets some serious therapy.
Not for much longer. After multiple affairs and her threatening/filing for divorce I’m pretty checked out. Not what I want, but I know I’ll be better off. She told me herself she knows I’ll be happier.
I have seen a lot of BPD folks having affairs through my (non academic) readings. Is this a thing? Is it something to do with regulating emotions and being impulsive? Genuinely curious. What about bipolar people, is it similar when they are feeling extreme highs?
I’d say both are more likely to have affairs than most. I think the main difference between bipolar and bpd is how long the mood swings last, and the range of emotion. But both have a tendency to live based off of emotion, and are very impulsive, which is why affairs are most likely. Just pretend that every time you were pissed at your spouse, those feelings in that moment are what you lean on to plan your future. That’s how these people operate. “Man I’m really pissed at my husband, he must be a horrible person, I need to leave him. Our relationship is horrible and I’m always pissed at him and always going to be”. I can’t imagine it’s a very enjoyable way to live. When my wife snaps out of her episodes she seems very remorseful and hates that she becomes that person, unfortunately she doesn’t make too much of an effort to get help.
To add to what others have said, bpd is a personality disorder which is really hard to treat. Bipolar can be treated with medication and the person can be expected to act normally if they keep up with their meds.
How have you dealt with the guilt from that? We have also had moments where divorce has been threatened, he was moving out, etc and we are only a year in. But I have such immense guilt when thinking about actually leaving him and for him to have to deal with life alone.
Don’t feel guilty. I love my wife, or atleast who she could be. But without years and years of therapy, she won’t get better, neither will your husband. My wife had already stepped out and left me before we got married, and I just kept taking her back. I really wish I hadn’t. It felt hard then, it’s a million times harder now, especially with kids. Trust me, when he’s done with you, he won’t give it a second thought, that’s how these people work. He’ll just drop you like you don’t exist. That’s how people with bpd function. They don’t truly know how to love.
Hey - I'm on the other side 4 years removed from a 10 year BPD relationship. If you have any doubts at all (which I'm sure you don't - BPD spouses IYKYK, right?), my life is so much better it doesn't even feel real. Took a few years of therapy on my own to figure out how *not* to keep attracting those kinds of people (I'd recommend this for you too) - but I did the work and boy is the sky bluer and the birds chirpier.
I’m glad you’re out and thriving. I do go to therapy already for this and other things. I have pretty much decided though that if or when our marriage ends, another marriage isn’t for me. It’s definitely left a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to the thought of any relationship.
How were you able to go back out into the world and see other people without feeling that way?
I actually took a designated 2 years off of dating. Like - wrote down a date exactly 2 years from the date the relationship ended with the borderline. It meant I was free to work on therapy stuff, read books about BPD, meet new people, have interesting experiences - but I literally told anyone who wanted to pursue something that I have this 2 year boundary with myself - no can do.
It gave me a lot of mental space to really study the people I was meeting - see if I could see where their personalities came from and why. Ask myself why I responded to their personalities the way I did. Introspective work.
In time, with the new tools gathered, you realize that most people aren't borderline, and you end up becoming really adept at spotting borderline tendencies right away. Plus- its a good failsafe because a BPD person can't love bomb for a whole two years 😂
I've since met someone who is the exact opposite of the BPD. It's heavenly. No more eggshells. No more low-grade chronic stress wondering when the next shoe is gonna drop.
The brain does a good job of healing itself. Just give it some time and space. And at the end of the day - it's your life. Live it how you want. You're allowed to say no to marriage and change your mind if you meet someone you really like. You're not a bad person for changing your mind. You're a human and we're allowed to.
I was also married to someone with BPD…substance abuse, cheating, and getting physically violent with me on more than one occasion. Had my whole head messed up thinking she was the best I could get…when I finally said enough she kept telling me to kill myself because I wouldn’t be good enough for someone half as her…I am 100% happy it ended when it did. My life is a MILLION times better than if I would’ve remained married to her…I too got out a year into marriage with no kids…I’m now incredibly blessed with an amazing family, my partner is WAY HOTTER than my ex and is the most supportive partner and mother to my kids that I could ask for…divorced at 26/27 iirc…there’s plenty of time. You need to RUN…I’m just happy I didn’t waste more years of my life or had children that had to live through that shit.
Isn't it amazing how much better life was beyond these people?? Fascinating really. It's like they know what's beyond their door and they do everything inhumanly possible to keep you from opening it. Congrats to both of us - we got out!
Therapy can work if the person with BPD is all in on getting help and getting better. They need to get some serious anger management and self-regulation skills in therapy. You will become their parent in many ways until they get their shit together.
Even if everything goes optimally, the scars from the bad times will always be there.
Yeah, don't go to this sub unless you want to learn to hate every human being with BPD. It's a toxic, cruel cesspool. There is no beneficial or productive advice to be found there.
Welp, found the person with bpd. It’s a very helpful sub for people living in hell dealing with loved ones with bpd. It helps them to see reality and get out of the abusive toxic cycle they are in. So you couldn’t be more wrong here. But good luck with your issues!
There are plenty of subs dedicated to navigating abusive relationships that don't claim all people with a certain psychiatric disorder are abusers. Honestly, I know this is the Internet and I could throw a zinger back at you, but having a severely stigmatized illness is, truly, exhausting, and devastating. Just as exhausting and devastating as having an individual abuser at times. It isn't a gotcha. It's a sub that I'm sure has truly helped a lot of people! And it's also harmed a lot of people, and spread harmful rhetoric outside of reddit and outside of the internet. It is not a helpful space for people who want to learn to live with and care for somebody with BPD, it's a place for people who want to leave and complain. Despite the description in the DSM, even I know not everything is black and white! Haha
I don’t think you’ve really visited that sub too often. Most of those people don’t want to leave. Most of them were discarded and left in the dust in the most brutal ways possible. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get therapy, so you can stop hurting other people. I guarantee you probably use your diagnoses as an excuse to act shitty. Go ahead and throw your “zingers”. I could give a fuck less. If you don’t like a certain subreddit, don’t go there. But considering my comment recommending it to op got over 100 upvotes, I’d say I’m not the only one who feels this way. Good luck to you.
The BPD diagnoses worries me tbh. If the exwife is telling you about abuse, and you know he has a diagnosis of bpd, then he could definitely have done all those things. Impulsivity, substance abuse, rage, violence are all pretty typical.
I would be really worried OP. I honestly would. Please be careful.
It worries me too. I stay careful as much as I can. I just don’t know how to deal with everything and put myself first without guilt. Because I know his diagnosis and mental state is not his fault. And I feel obligated to help him get better.
You can’t help him though. Like, truly, the only person that can help him is him. That’s not on you. It’s not your fault either. You sound like you could benefit from talking to a counsellor or therapist yourself to help you deal with that guilt. That guilt shouldn’t exist. You can care about someone, worry about them, and then fully understand that it is not your responsibility.
There is literally nothing you can do to “fix” him. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to. People can’t fix other people, only they can do that
OP don’t mention her or he will take it out on her. I recommend bringing it up in a 3rd party sense. That way you’re not accusing him of anything or pointing a finger at him. Something like, “I read a Dear Abby article today online about a marriage where the husband cheated on his wife multiple times and it made me realize how much that would hurt. I have never cheated so I can’t imagine doing that to you. Have you ever cheated in the past? I don’t think we ever really talked about it”. See what he says and what he admits too. If he admits it and the commits never to do it to you and talks about what he did to make himself better then that’s a good sign. If he says he hasn’t, that’s a red flag.
It's not his fault but it is his responsibility to seek treatment and do the hard work to keep his loved ones safe.
It's not the same and I'm not trying to say it is but I have a mental illness that has caused periods of extreme distractibility. But I still had the responsibility to not let my distractibility result in a fire because I forgot to turn the stove off. I had to get help to fix things and modify my behavior while I was waiting for the treatments to work.
Having a mental illness sucks so, so hard but it doesn't absolve you of responsibility. And if your partner can't control himself at all, he needs more dedicated care.
Be very cautious with this. I understand a bit. I wasn't married, but we had been friends since high school. Also, former people pleaser and fixer. I understand the feeling of obligation, but please, please be careful with that. I also felt I could help him but it got physical and I had my son (different father, light at the end of the tunnel and kind of funny but we're together now) and I couldn't put my son through that too.
I'd say if he's not laid hands on you, you could probably navigate it for a bit. As long as there is open communication at all times, he's actively going to therapy, and there's absolutely no gas lighting going on. Again, I can't say this enough, be careful. Your physical and emotional well-being is of the utmost importance. I understand the commentment, I was raised Roman Catholic, and divorce is a sticky situation. Also, you made a commitment to him as he did you. I have full faith in working things out. Just tread carefully.
Can you look at a man who abused an innocent woman and feel desire?
Hope for your future?
What independently has he done to stop his horrendous behaviors?
Do you feel safe with a man who could easily omit his sins?
He could have told you about his past and explain how he's worked independently to heal and stop his abusive behaviors.
He didn't.
He lied by omission.
Marriage with a man who chucks things at walls when he doesn't get his way and who can't process his emotions sounds like a hell of your choosing.
Imagine pregnancy with him. You're vulnerable in need of love, support, kindness, and empathy.
You're married to man who'd happily infect his infant with the horrors of an STD because his desire simply matter more.
She confirmed what lies in the shadows.
You have a choice to save yourself or the fantasy he constructed.
I sincerely hope you choose yourself.
Are you surprised by any of this? How long have you known him? He needs to committ to therapy and treatment, but I find it odd that his ex telling you these things was your tip-off, rather than what you know of him.
Whatever else you do, be very conscientious about birth control. If you've only known him a year or not much longer, you've got a lot to learn about each other. One thing I've learned from reading this sub is that cheating while pregnant, and/or in the baby's first few months, happens a lot.
>severe childhood trauma. Bipolar and BPD diagnoses, suicidal/self harm tendencies, etc
Is he in therapy with someone qualified to deal with most of this?
He had a psychiatrist and was on medication. Then he decided he did not like the medicine anymore and quit. Since then, we’ve made another psychiatry appointment and are on a waitlist for therapy.
People with BPD do this often. They don’t feel abnormal. That’s part of their sickness. In their mind it’s everyone else, who drives them crazy. Medication is also seen with concern. There is no licensed medicine directly for BPD. So sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.
They also sabotage their treatment. That’s why they change psychiatrists quite often and aren’t taken in easily with a new psychiatrist. They know that they will probably break up the treatment.
If he isn’t taking medication and not seeing help right now, it’s just a matter of time until his impulsive behavior start again. That includes cheating, abuse, substance abuse and self harm. It is currently seen as untreatable. That means he needs psychotherapy for all his life.
Good news is that it declines with age. The patient learn to cope better. What concerns me in his case is that he wasn’t honest with you. You haven’t had the chance to make an informed decision for this marriage. He took away your choice.
That he lashed out at his ex wife , while she was pregnant and had a little child, is no surprise. BPD isn’t good with stress at all and they dissociate and start to lose their impulse control. Keep that in mind for your future planning.
To make your decision on this very complicated situation, I would keep my distance for now. You need to process everything first, before entering the conversation with him. But a conversation needs to happen. He probably won’t be able to tell you, why he did what he did. There is no justification here, besides his sickness. The main issue would be him not being honest (and a relationship without honesty and secrets is always unstable) and your possibility to live with his sickness in the awareness, that it can harm you.
Ugh, the medication roller coaster is a really hard one for people to deal with, I've seen that in my family and I think you need him to commit to sticking with it and not deciding for himself that he's done with medication until his next episode.
I am bipolar & BPD (BPD is a new diagnosis). On average it takes 3 years to find the right meds to help. I am on yet another med change to accommodate my new diagnosis, and I am in intensive weekly therapy. Most of us get frustrated with the process & quit, it's very common. I pray he sticks with it this time & finds what works for him. With a lot of dedication & work, we can be stable people.
As someone with MH issues and on meds, you absolutely can have hard boundaries of “if you do not take care of yourself and stay on meds, I might have to reevaluate our relationship.”
I think if you do nothing else for the time being, you should set up a secret emergency fund bank account if you are able to. Are you employed? If you aren't, even getting $20 cash back each time you grocery shop, and then depositing that will add up quick.
I appreciate this advice, and hate that a lot of women don’t have the financial means to do this. I can’t imagine how stuck I would feel then. I purchased my (our) home by myself prior to our marriage, I have a great job, and our bank accounts are completely separate.
We were together for a little over two years. And looking back it seems like we moved quickly, but those two years were so great. It was like as soon as we got married a switch flipped.
Ugh, yeah that switch flipping thing is common in abusers and people with personality disorders.
It’s like he was on his “best behavior” before, but now that you are “locked in” he can let go and start acting worse/abusing you.
This tidbit really doesn’t look good please stay safe and have an exit plan. Don’t let him drain your finances or quit your job or get you pregnant.
For one, don’t let the angry outbursts slide.
For two, make sure your life insurance doesn’t pay off to him.
For three, get the best medical coverage you can afford.
For four, do not have children with him. If you are not completely prepared to have abortions, get your tubes tied.
For five, know with absolute certainty that you’re going to be physically hurt, maybe maimed.
For six, install security cameras that store to the cloud with complete coverage of the house. High definition and audio, sound and motion triggered.
For seven, take yoga or acrobatic instruction so you can bend and kiss your ass goodbye when the worst happens.
UpdateMe.
I don’t think I know how to stop letting the angry outbursts slide. I tried to set a very clear boundary that it wasn’t something I would deal with. And I do make sure he deals with the fallout like cleaning up or fixing something if it breaks. Besides that I don’t know what else to do. I do already have cameras and have never planned on having children.
You put on your big girl pants. You leave the instant he raises his voice.
Stay away minimum of two hours the first time. Add an hour if he repeats.
If he’s too violent and scary, call 911.
You just do not accept being treated worse than a stray dog. You stop making excuses.
I’m so upset for you. I beg you to take your destiny into your own hands.
You don’t seem to believe you deserve love, respect, to be cherished and honored.
Did you have a church wedding? Did you think the minister or priest was just bs-ing.
If you aren’t prepared to terminate, at least get distance while you give him opportunity to cure himself.
Remember, you can’t cure him. It’s not your fault. It’s not in your power. It’s in his power.
Remember the joke, how many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb.
Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change.
So if you can’t take mercy on yourself , have mercy on me. I of course don’t know you but your story has really affected me.
I truly appreciate your concern and advice. We did not have a church wedding, I’m not religious. But your comment about me not believing I deserve to be loved, cherished, respected, is really getting to me. Because I do believe that, maybe just not romantically. Or I don’t think I need it. For the most part I am very happy with just existing. I have extremely fulfilling friendships and relationships with my family, so at the end of the day I don’t think I have the desire to demand those things from a partner like I should. Which is a weird thing to realize about myself.
When you say you get what you need from fulfilling friendships and therefore don’t need it from your life partner, I could cry.
I hear you convincing yourself to accept a failed marriage, devoid of the fundamentals of marriage, respect, honesty, fidelity, emotional support, equal partnership and the rest.
Btw, I was not pushing religion. It’s just that the Christian religions have a beautiful and poetic was o describing what a marriage is. Secular officiants convey comparable sentiments.
As long as I’m whining, it’s bothering me that you seem not to be mentioning the cheating.
I know from experience that cheating does not have to be the immediate end. But it’s not to be just slid past.
Best wishes from an old stranger.
Making me wish I had stuck to my college plan to become a therapist. Went into software instead.
I think I’ve kind of slid over the cheating part because I have NEVER expected that from him what so ever. When the ex mentioned that part I was genuinely jaw dropped shocked. So my focus is tending to lean more towards the abuse since I have seen those tendencies.
And it’s never too late to follow a dream! Online school can be done anytime. I think you’d be great 😊
You do know your boundaries are not working. The “fallout” is a joke.
I am trying to scare you. Do you really know how vulnerable you are?
In your circumstances, the statistics are sickening.
Escalation is almost guaranteed.
Please!
I was with someone who had BPD in the past before I got married. They ended up being very abusive after the initial love bombing stage. It was insidious. Emotional, mental, physical, any type of abuse you can think of. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t alter the way that I see people with that diagnosis. I’m believe that they shouldn’t be in relationships untreated. It never ends well.
It’s not his fault he has BPD. But he is absolutely responsible for getting treatment and managing his disorder. It is not your job to do that for him.
My sister was married to someone with BPD. He abused her and her children. He chose not to take medication. He chose not to manage his illness. He caused so much suffering.
You have been warned by multiple people. Your story is unlikely to be different than theirs. You are not unique or special. You cannot heal or fix this man. Don’t be stupid.
Playing devil's advocate here, how do you know if she is completely telling you the truth about him? Could she be testing you?
Imho I think you should tell your husband and see what he has to say.
I definitely thought of this too, but it was a very emotional and tough conversation. It felt very genuine. I also think she would’ve said something before now if she was trying to get anything out of it.
Are you reading your own posts. They are terrifying. You’re walking on eggshells AND feeling guilty. Leave tomorrow as soon as he’s out the house, or don’t come home from work. Don’t be a news article.
Sounds like you haven’t been w/ your husband very long. You have rushed too quickly into this marriage. And you haven’t had the chance to see the real him yet. All the things his ex told you are serious red flags that you ignore at your own peril.
She said they were together for longer than two years before getting married, seems to me like he was trying to conceal that part of his personality and that it’s slowly coming out.
The BPD is worrisome especially if he doesn’t take medication. It’s great that he hasn’t been physical, however, the history of physical abuse without ongoing professional treatment could result in a tragic situation. I work in healthcare and have seen this first hand. It’s also worrisome that your husband did not disclose any of this to you. Did you ask him about his previous relationship? I am aware that some individuals from the military carry a lot of trauma, however, with medication, consistent therapy and open dialogue, things can still work out for the better. I would strongly suggest you have a conversation with him about this. It’s best he doesn’t feel blindsided with you just leaving him. Talk openly about your concerns. The ex also had every right to disclose her previous experience with him to you. I wish she would have been strong enough to tell you sooner but it’s good that she did now. If he gets angry about what the ex said, then that could be a red flag. I would suggest counselling as well. It’s best that you have an open and honest conversation about this especially if you’re planning on having children in the future.
Working in healthcare, do you have any recommendations on a specific type of therapy? Like a psychiatrist or someone more specialized? Should inpatient mental health care be considered at least to get started on the right track? We live in a rural area with little options and are on a waitlist for a therapist now. But if we have to travel to see someone better, we would.
When I would ask about why they divorced I kind of got a generic answer about how they were kids together and essentially grew apart over time. Which his ex confirmed is true also, just not the whole truth.
First I would suggest marriage counseling which ultimately will refer your spouse to a specialist for BPD or trauma. Second, there are multiple online therapist now a days which might be more beneficial then in person in the beginning. If you google therapy online, look up the reviews for the suggestions or the therapist in question. Also, it’s a pretty big deal for your partner not to disclose the abuse when getting he got married to you so it’s totally normal for you to be bothered by this. I live in Canada, so access to mental health is different here but I do know that the States have many online resources. Bring up the topic of couples therapy with him. If he says no or doesn’t want to pursue it, then I would start looking into divorce. I know divorce is a big thing however, my fear is, if your partner refuses to get help or refuses to talk about the previous cheating/abuse, I would be very nervous. Without help, chances are, your husband may repeat the same habits
Thanks for your suggestions. We’ve looked into some online therapies and have had trouble finding one that works with his insurance. But yes, my worry is that since he was not honest about those behaviors they might continue or start up again. However he could also be burying them due to shame and may never do those things to me. I guess we really can only see how it progresses with time.
No problem! Happy to help! It’s good that he’s looking to also get help. It’s just nerve racking that the abuse was not explained to you before marriage. Whether it’s shame or not, open communication is very important! I hope everything turns out well for you
Do not have children with this man and do not take out any loans with him!! Protect your finances at all costs, create a secret bank account so you have money if you need to leave. Start documenting everything. If half of what she says is true he'll ruin you emotionally and financially. Don't ignore the warning signs.
If you ignore all of this, you're making a very big mistake. If he did this to his ex-wife and hasn't gotten any help for all of these issues, they are most certainly going to surface again. If you marry an alcoholic, even an alcoholic in recovery, you always run the risk of them relapsing. You married a rageaholic cheater, so you always run the risk of him doing the same thing to you. If you're comfortable with those risks, then you are comfortable with them. If not, you should run now, while you still can, before he does something horrible to you. Once you start getting abused, escape becomes a lot more difficult, and most abusers don't start with the heavy abuse until they've already destroyed any support system that could save you from it. If Amy was his HS sweetheart, then she endured the abuse for years before finally escaping, and she still can't fully escape because they have a child together.
If he hasn't actively gotten treatment and counseling for his anger issues, his violence, and PTSD, then he hasn't changed. He has just been good a bury it before it rears its ugly head again.
BPD and bipolar does not always indicate the person is abusive, same with NPD. Therapy will help to manage his symptoms and control his emotional outbursts that he may not currently have the tools to handle.
However, the explosive anger worries me. This can be a sign/indication of behaviors that escalate into physical or emotional abuse. Usually, it’ll start with minor things, like talking down to you or making comments that are insults but they play it off as a joke; these are tactics that they’ll use to see how far they can push. It’ll turn into losing their cool over minor things, like dinner not being done before they get home or the laundry isn’t folded and put away, which can rapidly escalate into blowing up when they’re ticked off. Throwing things, screaming, punching holes in walls, etc.
Eventually, they’ll stop hitting the wall. Eventually, you’ll be the target of their rage.
Get ahead of it while you can, please. People like this so rarely change.
I was married to my ex for 5 years when I finally decided that I was increasingly walking on shells around him and was afraid to get him angry at every little thing. I also suspected gambling addiction, becuae no matter what,, he could never save money despite making s lot more than me.. I started contemplating divorce and one day decided to reach out to his ex wife. Who not only confirmed his addiction to gambling, but also the emotional abuse he put her through, that I could see was starting slowly on me.
Listen to your intuition. Things will only get worse. It starts small and you dismiss it even though something doesn't feel right. I wish I could have ended our marriage sooner...
Medicated and stable pwBPD here! I do think abusers tend to reoffend but I’m mainly commenting due to the number of negative and stigmatised comments on the post. While I don’t like the sound of your husband I just want to be here to remind people that BPD is not a death sentence and is not a synonym for abuser. I am in a beautifully happy and healthy relationship, it is possible. (Again this comment is not in support of your husband, I just get so sick of the hatred people have for BPD as though we’re all the same as the worst of the worst cases.)
Just to let you know, as someone married to an active duty military person with a history of PTSD, and as someone who has PTSD myself, the military and PTSD are not explanations for men who believe they are ENTITLED to treat women like second class citizens, or make create false realities to justify betrayal and abuse.
Please, please, drop now this idea that 'the military' gives you a pass. I've been through this with my own husband and what it comes down to is narcissism and self-centredness. It is not the military.
I have PTSD and my childhood was abusive. I have never abused or betrayed a partner. These are excuses used by men and women to justify the actions of men in a society that gives men a pass (still) for treating women poorly.
You are free until you have a baby, so great you're taking this seriously.
If my husband displayed 'explosive anger' or any sort of extreme or disrespectful behaviour toward me I would lose my temper and make him wish he hadn't dared try it on. Unfortunately, this pathetic, childish way of dealing with it is the only thing that worked with my husband. He very literally needed to be re-taught everything he previously believed about what he was entitled to in marriage, as he believed his sex and the fact he was in the military gave him some sort of elevated status above me. Spend your life biting the ankles of your husband like a dog nipping another dog into place, or leave him. Life with a man who believes he is entitled to behave in these ways is miserable, even if you're prepared to put him in his place (which is not fun and will damage your self-esteem and make you feel like a bad person yourself).
He has very explosive anger. Throwing things, hitting things, breaking things, etc. He also has a very addictive personality and goes through phases of gambling and drinking heavily. And sometimes just heavy online shopping. Without those things, I wouldn’t be so quick to believe her.
I think you are very right to believe his ex. What you just wrote is concerning. BPD is no joke and I’m weeks away from divorcing someone who has BPD, has severe childhood trauma, and has a very addictive personality. We’ve been together almost a decade and the first several years were good with minimal issues… the last 2+ years I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Maybe your relationship will be different than he had with his ex but please be cautious and take care of yourself. Also for your safety and his ex’s safety, I would not tell him directly what she shared.
Holy cow! It’s a matter of when, not if, that he becomes physical. I would definitely work to have an emergency bag so you can quickly escape when he escalates at some point since he’s not putting in the time to manage his unhealthy behavior!
Those things by themselves are abusive and warnings of what's to come. Please protect yourself and whatever you do, don't tell your (stbx) husband that his ex was who finally opened your eyes to who he really is.
My brother's ex has BPD and it's absolutely horrific to deal with. When he tried breaking up with her after a year of abuse, she downed two bottles of pills and threw the bottles at him. Even in the hospital she continued to blame him and insult him. He had to *pay* her to get out of his life, and even after that, months later when we'd forgotten about her, she messaged all of us to threaten us with long rambling rants. And this was her medicated and in therapy. I don't want to scare you, just advise you to look for warning signs very, very early. He might still be on his best behavior for you, but it will slip.
And someone else jumped in the sack and into marriage with him.
When will they a) actually choose the bear, or b) choose something other than trash?
Time will tell
Please leave him. You are gonna end up in hospital. I beg of you. Leave. Do not tell him before hand that you are leaving. Do not tell him you know about the abuse.
Currently making steps towards divorce with my husband who is bpd and has been abusive and had adulterous relationships. I was warned by his sons mother when we got engaged, and he found out and painted her as some vengeful jealous bitch. Turns out she was right. Please protect yourself and do what you need
Oof well i don't want to say assume the best expect the worse. But if you guys are therapy maybe he really did change his life around? It's rare but the book "why does he do that" might help you understand him more and maybe if he really is abusing you, it will tell you rhe signs to look for. That way you can make an actual decision because people on here will tell you to leave because past relationship really do play a part. But people can change if they really want to. Has he ever bashed his ex wife? Made her look bad? If so then maybe he really good at hiding his abusive behavior.
Textbook example of women valuing their friends more than anyone else. Women give friends too much value.
If I was you I would talk to Amy’s friends and or your husband’s friends to verify everything Amy has told you.
You're condemning your husband based off of no experience of your own nor proof but by the words of someone that has every reason to hate him.
She told you this "in confidence" and yet it's information regarding someone else that is relevant to your marriage. Your husband is your partner so you owe it to him to have a conversation with him when something worries you.
Watch what he does, how he responds. If he does anything to make you afraid or insecure or unsure about him, leave. Him having BPD or any other disorder does not mean he is incapable of learning and loving just like other people. Tons of people have disorders like that and are still able to maintain healthy, loving relationships. It requires effort and a partner willing to work around it and learn how to navigate certain situations. There is no shame if you are not that person but at least own up to it. Don't use his disorder against him, as an excuse. You married this man for some reason and it doesn't sound like he's done anything to change that.
So, do you believe his ex wife, without any influence of some strangers on the internet? Have his actions given you any reason to believe he would injure you?
Has anyone thought that maybe the ex wife is lying, is any of her information verified, is it all factual or opinions?? Give your husband the benefit of the doubt, maybe Amy has some skeletons in her closet
If Amy has not been hostile in the past, why would she suddenly be hostile and lie now? I’d take this seriously and consider this as he had already started to show some explosive anger. His abuse might not start until OP becomes pregnant. I do not think it’s worth the risk to wait to find out if Amy is telling the truth.
If you decide to stay think long and hard about having kids any time soon. It’s rare but people do change. My Dad was extremely abusive and cheated and did drugs. He turned his life around and hasn’t raised his hand to his recent wife, is clean and sober, and they are raising my little brother without the abuse. But and this is a big BUT, he changed because he wanted too. Not because of anyone else. I say the first sign of any abuse you drop everything and file for divorce.
Why in the hell would you say something to someone who could possibly hurt you? Have some self control so you don’t end up getting the either of you hurt.
To be honest, I feel that any mental health issues can be managed….Except BPD. In my entire life, I am yet to hear a happy ending regarding that illness.
I even struggle to understand “BPD” because all of the characteristics are the excact same as just…Being an awful person. Honestly, don’t shackle yourself to this shit.
Hello, let me be the first :) I have well-managed BPD (medication and therapy), and am in a happy, loving marriage. I have lots of friends who love me and I am a kind and caring person. My twin sister also has BPD. She's just starting her journey now since getting sober from drugs and alcohol. She is also a very lovely human and a great Mum to her kids.
Very happy for you!! I can’t imagine how hard it was to get there. It’s a big accomplishment. Best wishes for your sister in her journey also. If you have any recommendations on the types of therapy you’ve gone through or medications you’ve taken I’d love to hear your experiences.
Seroquel helps me to emotionally regulate, and I take a double dose of zoloft for depression/anxiety. I've had therapy for 14 years- lately I do schema therapy. Being a woman, I also have hormone treatment to level out my monthly moods. I largely avoid alcohol and don't take drugs anymore.
I do have another sister though. She will never get better unfortunately. She lacks insight, drinks, abuses drugs and lies to her therapists, doctors and herself. She surrounds herself with enablers. She doesn't take meds consistently or challenge her thoughts. We have been estranged for three years. Her eldest child has run away from home and lives with our dad now.
So you need also to consider what his strengths are, his inherent personality traits, and if he does have the capacity to work hard and make difficult changes. Be honest with yourself.
I wish you all the best.
How do you think he would feel that you were in secret talking to his ex-wife about their marriage that none of your business, which then admittedly changed your perception and opinion of him. Imagine he ran into an ex of yours who had "information" about you and, as a result, saw you differently? My point is, talk to YOUR husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt. If you start letting others dictate how to feel about your husband, your marriage, you might want to get out now. Cause when he picks up on you treating him differently, he's gonna wanna know why, and when you tell him it's because his ex-wife/baby mama is rehashing their marriage to you, effectively somewhat sabotaging your relationship, your marriage, it won't end well.
I’m playing Devils Advocate here… do you HONESTLY believe the ex? Is she the type of person who would start drama? Or maybe want him back? What was the reason your husband gave you for the divorce (please tell me you asked this before marriage)?
I’m always leary of people telling me stuff about someone else when it’s this serious… just because he has BPD doesn’t make him an abusive person…same with a hard childhood.
Just something to ponder on.
OP believes her because OP has already seen the signs of what’s to come. From OP’s comments upthread:
He has very explosive anger. Throwing things, hitting things, breaking things, etc. He also has a very addictive personality and goes through phases of gambling and drinking heavily. And sometimes just heavy online shopping. Without those things, I wouldn’t be so quick to believe her.
1. You should have asked him about his previous relationship. Not her. My partner was married 20yrs prior to me. He's not the same with me as he was with her (I'm thankful for that). My ex husband is a much better spouse to his current spouse than he ever was our 12yr marriage.
2. People change. He may have been ashamed of who he once was.
3. I think it's important to talk to him about it, but if you never asked about their marriage to him then I don't think he's wrong for not bringing it up.
There's always multiple sides to every story. Sorry but my partner comes first. You being willing to keep secrets from him would make you no better then him having chosen not to tell you.
My 2 cents: Not to give him a pass, but everyone has a temper if you push the right buttons.
1. If you knew he is bipolar and has bpd, why did you marry him? I assume this diagnosis is documented?
Is he on medication for this?
2. I'm curious why do you believe his ex? Some tend to be bitter over the divorce.
3. How do you know that he cheated? Did she give names and numbers so you can verify this information. Have you talked to any of his family about this?
4. I read a couple of threads. How can therapy(assuming couples) is going to fix bpd & bipolar?
In my opinion you are just looking any reason to tear your husband down.
This has some sounds of bs in it.
1) a mental disorder diagnosis is not enough to make me not care deeply for someone or want to marry them. I care for him in sickness and health and this is a sickness. I am going to help him if he is willing to help himself. The catch is the “if” he is willing to help himself. And if he doesn’t hurt me in the process, which is obviously a concern here.
2) his ex is a beautiful, strong, and genuine woman. She has no bitterness or ill will towards either of us. As a whole we want to raise their daughter in a healthy household where we coparent effectively. She wouldn’t make this up years down the road.
3) she provided dates and specific instances. I didn’t ask for names to verify, as I did not feel it was necessary. I did not speak to his family because as I said above, he had some major childhood trauma and his family would have never been involved in this.
4) there is no cure or medication for BPD specifically. There is a lot to learn about it still. Therapy is one of the main courses of treatment. And I go to therapy now on my own to try to understand his thought processes and figure out ways to help him in any way I can.
If I simply wanted to tear my husband down I would be doing just that. I wouldn’t be attempting to navigate a difficult life with him where I am trying to understand and help him through episodes and suicide attempts. To say I’m just looking for a reason to tear him down is uncalled for. I’m simply looking for help and opinions from people who may have been in a similar situation.
Boom has a decent point. First off why on earth are you sharing personal details with an ex? It is extremely rare for divorced couples to walk away from a marriage happy and be perfectly fine. The ex can absolutely be trying to stir up trouble where there is none and for the ex to come out and ask how your marriage is going with her ex husband then divulge information like she did really makes me feel that she is quietly trying to cause trouble. She can easily give information you already know and sprinkle in some embellished bits of information that you did not know.
You should bring up what the ex said about the cheating to him. You need his side of the story if there is one. Now if he gives a different take on the cheating story who are you to believe? Your husband or his ex?
Glad you are doing couples counseling as that is a sign he wants to work on things and do those things with you but I would keep the mother of your step daughter just as it is. At a distance only and needing to speak to her when it involves the child.
You have been made privy to some very important information about your husband’s past. Hopefully, that is all it is, his past. Remain with him as long as he treats you with love and respect. But don’t tolerate physical abuse for one minute.
Have a heart to heart conversation with him about what you feel about physical abuse without ever mentioning what his ex told you about him. Warn him that if he ever becomes physically abusive with you, that you two are done. Also talk about cheating.
Don’t tolerate it not even once. Let him know that should he ever cheats on you that you will no longer remain with him. But be prepared to leave him should he do either one of them. For physical abuse, separation is warranted. But for cheating, divorce would be the best option.
Rule number one. Never let anyone have in input on your marriage. Yes she may have been married to him before but your relationship is totally different from his and hers and there’s always two sides to a story! See how easily it was for her to share stuff with you and how you’re questioning your husband? It’s not fair to him at all and if your feelings have altered based off her words than you owe it to him to speak about this before you divorce your husband over his ex wife
All I can say is this is your golden ticket to escape this relationship with no children and also super young and with plenty of time to find someone else. It’s just a matter of time until he repeats the same pattern with you. And if you stay you already know you’ve been warned.
Abuse has a tendency to start during pregnancy….
Yes, thank you for bringing this up. Until recently, homicide was the leading cause of death in pregnant women in the United States, I read somewhere that this has changed? And now it’s the second. However, it’s also a common pattern for men to cheat during pregnancy. There are studies showing that it’s when cheaters cheat the most.
This!
Why is everyone on Reddit lonely and miserable and wants other people to be single chubby and sit behind a keyboard💀
Who’s lonely and miserable? Telling someone that’s husband, who at the minimum, has anger management issues to leave is not being miserable and lonely. Life too short to be held back by aholes.
Your claim has zero logic, most single people weigh less and maintain more friendships than their married counterparts. Maybe stop projecting?
That's a wild generalization. I'm happily married, in decent shape, have great friends and I'm very happy with my life. I comment on these subs because I almost married someone scary, who was controlling and made me feel like I had to walk on eggshells. If I had gone through with that marriage (and I really, really loved him) I would either be divorced or dead today. I was shocked at how easy a relationship could be when I met my (now) husband. He's kind, and I feel safe with him. If he dies, I will not date again because the risk is not worth it. Other people deserve to have that feeling of dating someone safe too, or realizing that marriage might not be worth the effort and pain, especially when you can be fulfilled socially in plenty of other ways.
I'm sure you're very healthy and happy 😊
Maybe head on over to r/bpdlovedones. My marriage has been 10 years living in hell. You’re in for a ride unless your husband gets some serious therapy.
We are working on therapy. I appreciate the insight. Are you still married?
Not for much longer. After multiple affairs and her threatening/filing for divorce I’m pretty checked out. Not what I want, but I know I’ll be better off. She told me herself she knows I’ll be happier.
I have seen a lot of BPD folks having affairs through my (non academic) readings. Is this a thing? Is it something to do with regulating emotions and being impulsive? Genuinely curious. What about bipolar people, is it similar when they are feeling extreme highs?
I’d say both are more likely to have affairs than most. I think the main difference between bipolar and bpd is how long the mood swings last, and the range of emotion. But both have a tendency to live based off of emotion, and are very impulsive, which is why affairs are most likely. Just pretend that every time you were pissed at your spouse, those feelings in that moment are what you lean on to plan your future. That’s how these people operate. “Man I’m really pissed at my husband, he must be a horrible person, I need to leave him. Our relationship is horrible and I’m always pissed at him and always going to be”. I can’t imagine it’s a very enjoyable way to live. When my wife snaps out of her episodes she seems very remorseful and hates that she becomes that person, unfortunately she doesn’t make too much of an effort to get help.
To add to what others have said, bpd is a personality disorder which is really hard to treat. Bipolar can be treated with medication and the person can be expected to act normally if they keep up with their meds.
So therapy did not work I assume.
Neither of us ever went to therapy.
How have you dealt with the guilt from that? We have also had moments where divorce has been threatened, he was moving out, etc and we are only a year in. But I have such immense guilt when thinking about actually leaving him and for him to have to deal with life alone.
Don’t feel guilty. I love my wife, or atleast who she could be. But without years and years of therapy, she won’t get better, neither will your husband. My wife had already stepped out and left me before we got married, and I just kept taking her back. I really wish I hadn’t. It felt hard then, it’s a million times harder now, especially with kids. Trust me, when he’s done with you, he won’t give it a second thought, that’s how these people work. He’ll just drop you like you don’t exist. That’s how people with bpd function. They don’t truly know how to love.
Hey - I'm on the other side 4 years removed from a 10 year BPD relationship. If you have any doubts at all (which I'm sure you don't - BPD spouses IYKYK, right?), my life is so much better it doesn't even feel real. Took a few years of therapy on my own to figure out how *not* to keep attracting those kinds of people (I'd recommend this for you too) - but I did the work and boy is the sky bluer and the birds chirpier.
I’m glad you’re out and thriving. I do go to therapy already for this and other things. I have pretty much decided though that if or when our marriage ends, another marriage isn’t for me. It’s definitely left a bitter taste in my mouth when it comes to the thought of any relationship. How were you able to go back out into the world and see other people without feeling that way?
I actually took a designated 2 years off of dating. Like - wrote down a date exactly 2 years from the date the relationship ended with the borderline. It meant I was free to work on therapy stuff, read books about BPD, meet new people, have interesting experiences - but I literally told anyone who wanted to pursue something that I have this 2 year boundary with myself - no can do. It gave me a lot of mental space to really study the people I was meeting - see if I could see where their personalities came from and why. Ask myself why I responded to their personalities the way I did. Introspective work. In time, with the new tools gathered, you realize that most people aren't borderline, and you end up becoming really adept at spotting borderline tendencies right away. Plus- its a good failsafe because a BPD person can't love bomb for a whole two years 😂 I've since met someone who is the exact opposite of the BPD. It's heavenly. No more eggshells. No more low-grade chronic stress wondering when the next shoe is gonna drop. The brain does a good job of healing itself. Just give it some time and space. And at the end of the day - it's your life. Live it how you want. You're allowed to say no to marriage and change your mind if you meet someone you really like. You're not a bad person for changing your mind. You're a human and we're allowed to.
I love the dedication to yourself. I’m so glad you got to where you are. It’s a big accomplishment!
I did it! Now it's your turn, buddy. Rooting for ya.
I was also married to someone with BPD…substance abuse, cheating, and getting physically violent with me on more than one occasion. Had my whole head messed up thinking she was the best I could get…when I finally said enough she kept telling me to kill myself because I wouldn’t be good enough for someone half as her…I am 100% happy it ended when it did. My life is a MILLION times better than if I would’ve remained married to her…I too got out a year into marriage with no kids…I’m now incredibly blessed with an amazing family, my partner is WAY HOTTER than my ex and is the most supportive partner and mother to my kids that I could ask for…divorced at 26/27 iirc…there’s plenty of time. You need to RUN…I’m just happy I didn’t waste more years of my life or had children that had to live through that shit.
Isn't it amazing how much better life was beyond these people?? Fascinating really. It's like they know what's beyond their door and they do everything inhumanly possible to keep you from opening it. Congrats to both of us - we got out!
Amen!!! Life is goooood!!!!
Therapy can work if the person with BPD is all in on getting help and getting better. They need to get some serious anger management and self-regulation skills in therapy. You will become their parent in many ways until they get their shit together. Even if everything goes optimally, the scars from the bad times will always be there.
Yeah, don't go to this sub unless you want to learn to hate every human being with BPD. It's a toxic, cruel cesspool. There is no beneficial or productive advice to be found there.
Welp, found the person with bpd. It’s a very helpful sub for people living in hell dealing with loved ones with bpd. It helps them to see reality and get out of the abusive toxic cycle they are in. So you couldn’t be more wrong here. But good luck with your issues!
There are plenty of subs dedicated to navigating abusive relationships that don't claim all people with a certain psychiatric disorder are abusers. Honestly, I know this is the Internet and I could throw a zinger back at you, but having a severely stigmatized illness is, truly, exhausting, and devastating. Just as exhausting and devastating as having an individual abuser at times. It isn't a gotcha. It's a sub that I'm sure has truly helped a lot of people! And it's also harmed a lot of people, and spread harmful rhetoric outside of reddit and outside of the internet. It is not a helpful space for people who want to learn to live with and care for somebody with BPD, it's a place for people who want to leave and complain. Despite the description in the DSM, even I know not everything is black and white! Haha
I don’t think you’ve really visited that sub too often. Most of those people don’t want to leave. Most of them were discarded and left in the dust in the most brutal ways possible. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and get therapy, so you can stop hurting other people. I guarantee you probably use your diagnoses as an excuse to act shitty. Go ahead and throw your “zingers”. I could give a fuck less. If you don’t like a certain subreddit, don’t go there. But considering my comment recommending it to op got over 100 upvotes, I’d say I’m not the only one who feels this way. Good luck to you.
The BPD diagnoses worries me tbh. If the exwife is telling you about abuse, and you know he has a diagnosis of bpd, then he could definitely have done all those things. Impulsivity, substance abuse, rage, violence are all pretty typical. I would be really worried OP. I honestly would. Please be careful.
It worries me too. I stay careful as much as I can. I just don’t know how to deal with everything and put myself first without guilt. Because I know his diagnosis and mental state is not his fault. And I feel obligated to help him get better.
You can’t help him though. Like, truly, the only person that can help him is him. That’s not on you. It’s not your fault either. You sound like you could benefit from talking to a counsellor or therapist yourself to help you deal with that guilt. That guilt shouldn’t exist. You can care about someone, worry about them, and then fully understand that it is not your responsibility. There is literally nothing you can do to “fix” him. You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to. People can’t fix other people, only they can do that
OP don’t mention her or he will take it out on her. I recommend bringing it up in a 3rd party sense. That way you’re not accusing him of anything or pointing a finger at him. Something like, “I read a Dear Abby article today online about a marriage where the husband cheated on his wife multiple times and it made me realize how much that would hurt. I have never cheated so I can’t imagine doing that to you. Have you ever cheated in the past? I don’t think we ever really talked about it”. See what he says and what he admits too. If he admits it and the commits never to do it to you and talks about what he did to make himself better then that’s a good sign. If he says he hasn’t, that’s a red flag.
It's not his fault but it is his responsibility to seek treatment and do the hard work to keep his loved ones safe. It's not the same and I'm not trying to say it is but I have a mental illness that has caused periods of extreme distractibility. But I still had the responsibility to not let my distractibility result in a fire because I forgot to turn the stove off. I had to get help to fix things and modify my behavior while I was waiting for the treatments to work. Having a mental illness sucks so, so hard but it doesn't absolve you of responsibility. And if your partner can't control himself at all, he needs more dedicated care.
Be very cautious with this. I understand a bit. I wasn't married, but we had been friends since high school. Also, former people pleaser and fixer. I understand the feeling of obligation, but please, please be careful with that. I also felt I could help him but it got physical and I had my son (different father, light at the end of the tunnel and kind of funny but we're together now) and I couldn't put my son through that too. I'd say if he's not laid hands on you, you could probably navigate it for a bit. As long as there is open communication at all times, he's actively going to therapy, and there's absolutely no gas lighting going on. Again, I can't say this enough, be careful. Your physical and emotional well-being is of the utmost importance. I understand the commentment, I was raised Roman Catholic, and divorce is a sticky situation. Also, you made a commitment to him as he did you. I have full faith in working things out. Just tread carefully.
The only person that YOU are obligated to do self help/care/support is YOU... HE is the person who can help HIMSELF get better.... Updateme
Can you look at a man who abused an innocent woman and feel desire? Hope for your future? What independently has he done to stop his horrendous behaviors? Do you feel safe with a man who could easily omit his sins? He could have told you about his past and explain how he's worked independently to heal and stop his abusive behaviors. He didn't. He lied by omission. Marriage with a man who chucks things at walls when he doesn't get his way and who can't process his emotions sounds like a hell of your choosing. Imagine pregnancy with him. You're vulnerable in need of love, support, kindness, and empathy. You're married to man who'd happily infect his infant with the horrors of an STD because his desire simply matter more. She confirmed what lies in the shadows. You have a choice to save yourself or the fantasy he constructed. I sincerely hope you choose yourself.
Are you surprised by any of this? How long have you known him? He needs to committ to therapy and treatment, but I find it odd that his ex telling you these things was your tip-off, rather than what you know of him.
Whatever else you do, be very conscientious about birth control. If you've only known him a year or not much longer, you've got a lot to learn about each other. One thing I've learned from reading this sub is that cheating while pregnant, and/or in the baby's first few months, happens a lot.
I have never planned on having kids, with him or anyone, so thankfully this wouldn’t be an issue.
>severe childhood trauma. Bipolar and BPD diagnoses, suicidal/self harm tendencies, etc Is he in therapy with someone qualified to deal with most of this?
He had a psychiatrist and was on medication. Then he decided he did not like the medicine anymore and quit. Since then, we’ve made another psychiatry appointment and are on a waitlist for therapy.
People with BPD do this often. They don’t feel abnormal. That’s part of their sickness. In their mind it’s everyone else, who drives them crazy. Medication is also seen with concern. There is no licensed medicine directly for BPD. So sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t. They also sabotage their treatment. That’s why they change psychiatrists quite often and aren’t taken in easily with a new psychiatrist. They know that they will probably break up the treatment. If he isn’t taking medication and not seeing help right now, it’s just a matter of time until his impulsive behavior start again. That includes cheating, abuse, substance abuse and self harm. It is currently seen as untreatable. That means he needs psychotherapy for all his life. Good news is that it declines with age. The patient learn to cope better. What concerns me in his case is that he wasn’t honest with you. You haven’t had the chance to make an informed decision for this marriage. He took away your choice. That he lashed out at his ex wife , while she was pregnant and had a little child, is no surprise. BPD isn’t good with stress at all and they dissociate and start to lose their impulse control. Keep that in mind for your future planning. To make your decision on this very complicated situation, I would keep my distance for now. You need to process everything first, before entering the conversation with him. But a conversation needs to happen. He probably won’t be able to tell you, why he did what he did. There is no justification here, besides his sickness. The main issue would be him not being honest (and a relationship without honesty and secrets is always unstable) and your possibility to live with his sickness in the awareness, that it can harm you.
Ugh, the medication roller coaster is a really hard one for people to deal with, I've seen that in my family and I think you need him to commit to sticking with it and not deciding for himself that he's done with medication until his next episode.
I just hope the next time he starts taking something he can stick with it. The side effects hit so hard and he won’t push through.
I am bipolar & BPD (BPD is a new diagnosis). On average it takes 3 years to find the right meds to help. I am on yet another med change to accommodate my new diagnosis, and I am in intensive weekly therapy. Most of us get frustrated with the process & quit, it's very common. I pray he sticks with it this time & finds what works for him. With a lot of dedication & work, we can be stable people.
As someone with MH issues and on meds, you absolutely can have hard boundaries of “if you do not take care of yourself and stay on meds, I might have to reevaluate our relationship.”
I think if you do nothing else for the time being, you should set up a secret emergency fund bank account if you are able to. Are you employed? If you aren't, even getting $20 cash back each time you grocery shop, and then depositing that will add up quick.
I appreciate this advice, and hate that a lot of women don’t have the financial means to do this. I can’t imagine how stuck I would feel then. I purchased my (our) home by myself prior to our marriage, I have a great job, and our bank accounts are completely separate.
You’ve only been married a year. How long did you date before marriage?
We were together for a little over two years. And looking back it seems like we moved quickly, but those two years were so great. It was like as soon as we got married a switch flipped.
Ugh, yeah that switch flipping thing is common in abusers and people with personality disorders. It’s like he was on his “best behavior” before, but now that you are “locked in” he can let go and start acting worse/abusing you. This tidbit really doesn’t look good please stay safe and have an exit plan. Don’t let him drain your finances or quit your job or get you pregnant.
For one, don’t let the angry outbursts slide. For two, make sure your life insurance doesn’t pay off to him. For three, get the best medical coverage you can afford. For four, do not have children with him. If you are not completely prepared to have abortions, get your tubes tied. For five, know with absolute certainty that you’re going to be physically hurt, maybe maimed. For six, install security cameras that store to the cloud with complete coverage of the house. High definition and audio, sound and motion triggered. For seven, take yoga or acrobatic instruction so you can bend and kiss your ass goodbye when the worst happens. UpdateMe.
I don’t think I know how to stop letting the angry outbursts slide. I tried to set a very clear boundary that it wasn’t something I would deal with. And I do make sure he deals with the fallout like cleaning up or fixing something if it breaks. Besides that I don’t know what else to do. I do already have cameras and have never planned on having children.
You put on your big girl pants. You leave the instant he raises his voice. Stay away minimum of two hours the first time. Add an hour if he repeats. If he’s too violent and scary, call 911. You just do not accept being treated worse than a stray dog. You stop making excuses. I’m so upset for you. I beg you to take your destiny into your own hands. You don’t seem to believe you deserve love, respect, to be cherished and honored. Did you have a church wedding? Did you think the minister or priest was just bs-ing. If you aren’t prepared to terminate, at least get distance while you give him opportunity to cure himself. Remember, you can’t cure him. It’s not your fault. It’s not in your power. It’s in his power. Remember the joke, how many shrinks does it take to change a lightbulb. Just one, but the lightbulb has to really want to change. So if you can’t take mercy on yourself , have mercy on me. I of course don’t know you but your story has really affected me.
I truly appreciate your concern and advice. We did not have a church wedding, I’m not religious. But your comment about me not believing I deserve to be loved, cherished, respected, is really getting to me. Because I do believe that, maybe just not romantically. Or I don’t think I need it. For the most part I am very happy with just existing. I have extremely fulfilling friendships and relationships with my family, so at the end of the day I don’t think I have the desire to demand those things from a partner like I should. Which is a weird thing to realize about myself.
When you say you get what you need from fulfilling friendships and therefore don’t need it from your life partner, I could cry. I hear you convincing yourself to accept a failed marriage, devoid of the fundamentals of marriage, respect, honesty, fidelity, emotional support, equal partnership and the rest. Btw, I was not pushing religion. It’s just that the Christian religions have a beautiful and poetic was o describing what a marriage is. Secular officiants convey comparable sentiments. As long as I’m whining, it’s bothering me that you seem not to be mentioning the cheating. I know from experience that cheating does not have to be the immediate end. But it’s not to be just slid past. Best wishes from an old stranger. Making me wish I had stuck to my college plan to become a therapist. Went into software instead.
I think I’ve kind of slid over the cheating part because I have NEVER expected that from him what so ever. When the ex mentioned that part I was genuinely jaw dropped shocked. So my focus is tending to lean more towards the abuse since I have seen those tendencies. And it’s never too late to follow a dream! Online school can be done anytime. I think you’d be great 😊
I’m turning 82 in December. Hmmm Why not look into it?
>if it breaks You mean *he* breaks stuff?
You do know your boundaries are not working. The “fallout” is a joke. I am trying to scare you. Do you really know how vulnerable you are? In your circumstances, the statistics are sickening. Escalation is almost guaranteed. Please!
I was with someone who had BPD in the past before I got married. They ended up being very abusive after the initial love bombing stage. It was insidious. Emotional, mental, physical, any type of abuse you can think of. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t alter the way that I see people with that diagnosis. I’m believe that they shouldn’t be in relationships untreated. It never ends well.
It’s not his fault he has BPD. But he is absolutely responsible for getting treatment and managing his disorder. It is not your job to do that for him. My sister was married to someone with BPD. He abused her and her children. He chose not to take medication. He chose not to manage his illness. He caused so much suffering. You have been warned by multiple people. Your story is unlikely to be different than theirs. You are not unique or special. You cannot heal or fix this man. Don’t be stupid.
Playing devil's advocate here, how do you know if she is completely telling you the truth about him? Could she be testing you? Imho I think you should tell your husband and see what he has to say.
I definitely thought of this too, but it was a very emotional and tough conversation. It felt very genuine. I also think she would’ve said something before now if she was trying to get anything out of it.
OP can see that the ex is describing the journey that OP is on.
Are you reading your own posts. They are terrifying. You’re walking on eggshells AND feeling guilty. Leave tomorrow as soon as he’s out the house, or don’t come home from work. Don’t be a news article.
OP knows deep down that it’s true - she’s already seen the anger and they’ve already been on the verge of divorce in just one year of marriage.
Sounds like you haven’t been w/ your husband very long. You have rushed too quickly into this marriage. And you haven’t had the chance to see the real him yet. All the things his ex told you are serious red flags that you ignore at your own peril.
She said they were together for longer than two years before getting married, seems to me like he was trying to conceal that part of his personality and that it’s slowly coming out.
She also said her self, “Looking back, it seems we moved too quickly.” Few comments up.
The BPD is worrisome especially if he doesn’t take medication. It’s great that he hasn’t been physical, however, the history of physical abuse without ongoing professional treatment could result in a tragic situation. I work in healthcare and have seen this first hand. It’s also worrisome that your husband did not disclose any of this to you. Did you ask him about his previous relationship? I am aware that some individuals from the military carry a lot of trauma, however, with medication, consistent therapy and open dialogue, things can still work out for the better. I would strongly suggest you have a conversation with him about this. It’s best he doesn’t feel blindsided with you just leaving him. Talk openly about your concerns. The ex also had every right to disclose her previous experience with him to you. I wish she would have been strong enough to tell you sooner but it’s good that she did now. If he gets angry about what the ex said, then that could be a red flag. I would suggest counselling as well. It’s best that you have an open and honest conversation about this especially if you’re planning on having children in the future.
Working in healthcare, do you have any recommendations on a specific type of therapy? Like a psychiatrist or someone more specialized? Should inpatient mental health care be considered at least to get started on the right track? We live in a rural area with little options and are on a waitlist for a therapist now. But if we have to travel to see someone better, we would. When I would ask about why they divorced I kind of got a generic answer about how they were kids together and essentially grew apart over time. Which his ex confirmed is true also, just not the whole truth.
First I would suggest marriage counseling which ultimately will refer your spouse to a specialist for BPD or trauma. Second, there are multiple online therapist now a days which might be more beneficial then in person in the beginning. If you google therapy online, look up the reviews for the suggestions or the therapist in question. Also, it’s a pretty big deal for your partner not to disclose the abuse when getting he got married to you so it’s totally normal for you to be bothered by this. I live in Canada, so access to mental health is different here but I do know that the States have many online resources. Bring up the topic of couples therapy with him. If he says no or doesn’t want to pursue it, then I would start looking into divorce. I know divorce is a big thing however, my fear is, if your partner refuses to get help or refuses to talk about the previous cheating/abuse, I would be very nervous. Without help, chances are, your husband may repeat the same habits
Thanks for your suggestions. We’ve looked into some online therapies and have had trouble finding one that works with his insurance. But yes, my worry is that since he was not honest about those behaviors they might continue or start up again. However he could also be burying them due to shame and may never do those things to me. I guess we really can only see how it progresses with time.
No problem! Happy to help! It’s good that he’s looking to also get help. It’s just nerve racking that the abuse was not explained to you before marriage. Whether it’s shame or not, open communication is very important! I hope everything turns out well for you
Do not have children with this man and do not take out any loans with him!! Protect your finances at all costs, create a secret bank account so you have money if you need to leave. Start documenting everything. If half of what she says is true he'll ruin you emotionally and financially. Don't ignore the warning signs.
If you ignore all of this, you're making a very big mistake. If he did this to his ex-wife and hasn't gotten any help for all of these issues, they are most certainly going to surface again. If you marry an alcoholic, even an alcoholic in recovery, you always run the risk of them relapsing. You married a rageaholic cheater, so you always run the risk of him doing the same thing to you. If you're comfortable with those risks, then you are comfortable with them. If not, you should run now, while you still can, before he does something horrible to you. Once you start getting abused, escape becomes a lot more difficult, and most abusers don't start with the heavy abuse until they've already destroyed any support system that could save you from it. If Amy was his HS sweetheart, then she endured the abuse for years before finally escaping, and she still can't fully escape because they have a child together.
If he hasn't actively gotten treatment and counseling for his anger issues, his violence, and PTSD, then he hasn't changed. He has just been good a bury it before it rears its ugly head again.
Run!!!!!
BPD and bipolar does not always indicate the person is abusive, same with NPD. Therapy will help to manage his symptoms and control his emotional outbursts that he may not currently have the tools to handle. However, the explosive anger worries me. This can be a sign/indication of behaviors that escalate into physical or emotional abuse. Usually, it’ll start with minor things, like talking down to you or making comments that are insults but they play it off as a joke; these are tactics that they’ll use to see how far they can push. It’ll turn into losing their cool over minor things, like dinner not being done before they get home or the laundry isn’t folded and put away, which can rapidly escalate into blowing up when they’re ticked off. Throwing things, screaming, punching holes in walls, etc. Eventually, they’ll stop hitting the wall. Eventually, you’ll be the target of their rage. Get ahead of it while you can, please. People like this so rarely change.
I was married to my ex for 5 years when I finally decided that I was increasingly walking on shells around him and was afraid to get him angry at every little thing. I also suspected gambling addiction, becuae no matter what,, he could never save money despite making s lot more than me.. I started contemplating divorce and one day decided to reach out to his ex wife. Who not only confirmed his addiction to gambling, but also the emotional abuse he put her through, that I could see was starting slowly on me. Listen to your intuition. Things will only get worse. It starts small and you dismiss it even though something doesn't feel right. I wish I could have ended our marriage sooner...
Medicated and stable pwBPD here! I do think abusers tend to reoffend but I’m mainly commenting due to the number of negative and stigmatised comments on the post. While I don’t like the sound of your husband I just want to be here to remind people that BPD is not a death sentence and is not a synonym for abuser. I am in a beautifully happy and healthy relationship, it is possible. (Again this comment is not in support of your husband, I just get so sick of the hatred people have for BPD as though we’re all the same as the worst of the worst cases.)
Just to let you know, as someone married to an active duty military person with a history of PTSD, and as someone who has PTSD myself, the military and PTSD are not explanations for men who believe they are ENTITLED to treat women like second class citizens, or make create false realities to justify betrayal and abuse. Please, please, drop now this idea that 'the military' gives you a pass. I've been through this with my own husband and what it comes down to is narcissism and self-centredness. It is not the military. I have PTSD and my childhood was abusive. I have never abused or betrayed a partner. These are excuses used by men and women to justify the actions of men in a society that gives men a pass (still) for treating women poorly. You are free until you have a baby, so great you're taking this seriously. If my husband displayed 'explosive anger' or any sort of extreme or disrespectful behaviour toward me I would lose my temper and make him wish he hadn't dared try it on. Unfortunately, this pathetic, childish way of dealing with it is the only thing that worked with my husband. He very literally needed to be re-taught everything he previously believed about what he was entitled to in marriage, as he believed his sex and the fact he was in the military gave him some sort of elevated status above me. Spend your life biting the ankles of your husband like a dog nipping another dog into place, or leave him. Life with a man who believes he is entitled to behave in these ways is miserable, even if you're prepared to put him in his place (which is not fun and will damage your self-esteem and make you feel like a bad person yourself).
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He has very explosive anger. Throwing things, hitting things, breaking things, etc. He also has a very addictive personality and goes through phases of gambling and drinking heavily. And sometimes just heavy online shopping. Without those things, I wouldn’t be so quick to believe her.
You should leave. Don’t wait for him to hit you.
I think you are very right to believe his ex. What you just wrote is concerning. BPD is no joke and I’m weeks away from divorcing someone who has BPD, has severe childhood trauma, and has a very addictive personality. We’ve been together almost a decade and the first several years were good with minimal issues… the last 2+ years I wouldn’t wish on anyone. Maybe your relationship will be different than he had with his ex but please be cautious and take care of yourself. Also for your safety and his ex’s safety, I would not tell him directly what she shared.
Holy cow! It’s a matter of when, not if, that he becomes physical. I would definitely work to have an emergency bag so you can quickly escape when he escalates at some point since he’s not putting in the time to manage his unhealthy behavior!
Those things by themselves are abusive and warnings of what's to come. Please protect yourself and whatever you do, don't tell your (stbx) husband that his ex was who finally opened your eyes to who he really is.
My brother's ex has BPD and it's absolutely horrific to deal with. When he tried breaking up with her after a year of abuse, she downed two bottles of pills and threw the bottles at him. Even in the hospital she continued to blame him and insult him. He had to *pay* her to get out of his life, and even after that, months later when we'd forgotten about her, she messaged all of us to threaten us with long rambling rants. And this was her medicated and in therapy. I don't want to scare you, just advise you to look for warning signs very, very early. He might still be on his best behavior for you, but it will slip.
And someone else jumped in the sack and into marriage with him. When will they a) actually choose the bear, or b) choose something other than trash? Time will tell
Thanks for the helpful comment!
Any time. It’s advice that many seem to need
he hasn’t changed if he hasn’t told you about it !
It time for you to get out of this relationship
Please leave him. You are gonna end up in hospital. I beg of you. Leave. Do not tell him before hand that you are leaving. Do not tell him you know about the abuse.
Currently making steps towards divorce with my husband who is bpd and has been abusive and had adulterous relationships. I was warned by his sons mother when we got engaged, and he found out and painted her as some vengeful jealous bitch. Turns out she was right. Please protect yourself and do what you need
- Have you talked to him about his previous relationship? - would you feel comfortable doing couple counseling?
Leave before you get seriously hurt.
Oof well i don't want to say assume the best expect the worse. But if you guys are therapy maybe he really did change his life around? It's rare but the book "why does he do that" might help you understand him more and maybe if he really is abusing you, it will tell you rhe signs to look for. That way you can make an actual decision because people on here will tell you to leave because past relationship really do play a part. But people can change if they really want to. Has he ever bashed his ex wife? Made her look bad? If so then maybe he really good at hiding his abusive behavior.
I wish I hadn’t ignored it when I found out my ex-boyfriend abused his ex
I wish I had taken the things I knew of my husband's previous marriage at face value. It was not her. She was not the problem. He was.
I'd leave
The mask is off once he gets comfortable. OP please please please take care of yourself.
He will. Listen to what he says about his exes. He will do the same to you.
She should have told u
Maybe don't believe his ex?
Textbook example of women valuing their friends more than anyone else. Women give friends too much value. If I was you I would talk to Amy’s friends and or your husband’s friends to verify everything Amy has told you.
Please get your husband to your nearest VA, they can help.
You're condemning your husband based off of no experience of your own nor proof but by the words of someone that has every reason to hate him. She told you this "in confidence" and yet it's information regarding someone else that is relevant to your marriage. Your husband is your partner so you owe it to him to have a conversation with him when something worries you. Watch what he does, how he responds. If he does anything to make you afraid or insecure or unsure about him, leave. Him having BPD or any other disorder does not mean he is incapable of learning and loving just like other people. Tons of people have disorders like that and are still able to maintain healthy, loving relationships. It requires effort and a partner willing to work around it and learn how to navigate certain situations. There is no shame if you are not that person but at least own up to it. Don't use his disorder against him, as an excuse. You married this man for some reason and it doesn't sound like he's done anything to change that. So, do you believe his ex wife, without any influence of some strangers on the internet? Have his actions given you any reason to believe he would injure you?
And you are sure it's true?
Has anyone thought that maybe the ex wife is lying, is any of her information verified, is it all factual or opinions?? Give your husband the benefit of the doubt, maybe Amy has some skeletons in her closet
If Amy has not been hostile in the past, why would she suddenly be hostile and lie now? I’d take this seriously and consider this as he had already started to show some explosive anger. His abuse might not start until OP becomes pregnant. I do not think it’s worth the risk to wait to find out if Amy is telling the truth.
If you decide to stay think long and hard about having kids any time soon. It’s rare but people do change. My Dad was extremely abusive and cheated and did drugs. He turned his life around and hasn’t raised his hand to his recent wife, is clean and sober, and they are raising my little brother without the abuse. But and this is a big BUT, he changed because he wanted too. Not because of anyone else. I say the first sign of any abuse you drop everything and file for divorce.
Confronting? You obviously didn’t get the warning message. I wish you good luck
Right? Definition of stupidity.
Get on with your life without him
Why in the hell would you say something to someone who could possibly hurt you? Have some self control so you don’t end up getting the either of you hurt.
To be honest, I feel that any mental health issues can be managed….Except BPD. In my entire life, I am yet to hear a happy ending regarding that illness. I even struggle to understand “BPD” because all of the characteristics are the excact same as just…Being an awful person. Honestly, don’t shackle yourself to this shit.
Hello, let me be the first :) I have well-managed BPD (medication and therapy), and am in a happy, loving marriage. I have lots of friends who love me and I am a kind and caring person. My twin sister also has BPD. She's just starting her journey now since getting sober from drugs and alcohol. She is also a very lovely human and a great Mum to her kids.
Very happy for you!! I can’t imagine how hard it was to get there. It’s a big accomplishment. Best wishes for your sister in her journey also. If you have any recommendations on the types of therapy you’ve gone through or medications you’ve taken I’d love to hear your experiences.
Seroquel helps me to emotionally regulate, and I take a double dose of zoloft for depression/anxiety. I've had therapy for 14 years- lately I do schema therapy. Being a woman, I also have hormone treatment to level out my monthly moods. I largely avoid alcohol and don't take drugs anymore. I do have another sister though. She will never get better unfortunately. She lacks insight, drinks, abuses drugs and lies to her therapists, doctors and herself. She surrounds herself with enablers. She doesn't take meds consistently or challenge her thoughts. We have been estranged for three years. Her eldest child has run away from home and lives with our dad now. So you need also to consider what his strengths are, his inherent personality traits, and if he does have the capacity to work hard and make difficult changes. Be honest with yourself. I wish you all the best.
How can you know that she isn't exaggerating? Maybe she's trying to cause division?
How do you think he would feel that you were in secret talking to his ex-wife about their marriage that none of your business, which then admittedly changed your perception and opinion of him. Imagine he ran into an ex of yours who had "information" about you and, as a result, saw you differently? My point is, talk to YOUR husband. Give him the benefit of the doubt. If you start letting others dictate how to feel about your husband, your marriage, you might want to get out now. Cause when he picks up on you treating him differently, he's gonna wanna know why, and when you tell him it's because his ex-wife/baby mama is rehashing their marriage to you, effectively somewhat sabotaging your relationship, your marriage, it won't end well.
I’m playing Devils Advocate here… do you HONESTLY believe the ex? Is she the type of person who would start drama? Or maybe want him back? What was the reason your husband gave you for the divorce (please tell me you asked this before marriage)? I’m always leary of people telling me stuff about someone else when it’s this serious… just because he has BPD doesn’t make him an abusive person…same with a hard childhood. Just something to ponder on.
OP believes her because OP has already seen the signs of what’s to come. From OP’s comments upthread: He has very explosive anger. Throwing things, hitting things, breaking things, etc. He also has a very addictive personality and goes through phases of gambling and drinking heavily. And sometimes just heavy online shopping. Without those things, I wouldn’t be so quick to believe her.
1. You should have asked him about his previous relationship. Not her. My partner was married 20yrs prior to me. He's not the same with me as he was with her (I'm thankful for that). My ex husband is a much better spouse to his current spouse than he ever was our 12yr marriage. 2. People change. He may have been ashamed of who he once was. 3. I think it's important to talk to him about it, but if you never asked about their marriage to him then I don't think he's wrong for not bringing it up. There's always multiple sides to every story. Sorry but my partner comes first. You being willing to keep secrets from him would make you no better then him having chosen not to tell you.
When you trust an ex wife over your current husband that's sad..
My 2 cents: Not to give him a pass, but everyone has a temper if you push the right buttons. 1. If you knew he is bipolar and has bpd, why did you marry him? I assume this diagnosis is documented? Is he on medication for this? 2. I'm curious why do you believe his ex? Some tend to be bitter over the divorce. 3. How do you know that he cheated? Did she give names and numbers so you can verify this information. Have you talked to any of his family about this? 4. I read a couple of threads. How can therapy(assuming couples) is going to fix bpd & bipolar? In my opinion you are just looking any reason to tear your husband down. This has some sounds of bs in it.
1) a mental disorder diagnosis is not enough to make me not care deeply for someone or want to marry them. I care for him in sickness and health and this is a sickness. I am going to help him if he is willing to help himself. The catch is the “if” he is willing to help himself. And if he doesn’t hurt me in the process, which is obviously a concern here. 2) his ex is a beautiful, strong, and genuine woman. She has no bitterness or ill will towards either of us. As a whole we want to raise their daughter in a healthy household where we coparent effectively. She wouldn’t make this up years down the road. 3) she provided dates and specific instances. I didn’t ask for names to verify, as I did not feel it was necessary. I did not speak to his family because as I said above, he had some major childhood trauma and his family would have never been involved in this. 4) there is no cure or medication for BPD specifically. There is a lot to learn about it still. Therapy is one of the main courses of treatment. And I go to therapy now on my own to try to understand his thought processes and figure out ways to help him in any way I can. If I simply wanted to tear my husband down I would be doing just that. I wouldn’t be attempting to navigate a difficult life with him where I am trying to understand and help him through episodes and suicide attempts. To say I’m just looking for a reason to tear him down is uncalled for. I’m simply looking for help and opinions from people who may have been in a similar situation.
It’s really really hard (impossible) for bpd to get better. A very few can after like a decade of therapy and no relationship but most don’t.
Good Luck
Boom has a decent point. First off why on earth are you sharing personal details with an ex? It is extremely rare for divorced couples to walk away from a marriage happy and be perfectly fine. The ex can absolutely be trying to stir up trouble where there is none and for the ex to come out and ask how your marriage is going with her ex husband then divulge information like she did really makes me feel that she is quietly trying to cause trouble. She can easily give information you already know and sprinkle in some embellished bits of information that you did not know. You should bring up what the ex said about the cheating to him. You need his side of the story if there is one. Now if he gives a different take on the cheating story who are you to believe? Your husband or his ex? Glad you are doing couples counseling as that is a sign he wants to work on things and do those things with you but I would keep the mother of your step daughter just as it is. At a distance only and needing to speak to her when it involves the child.
You have been made privy to some very important information about your husband’s past. Hopefully, that is all it is, his past. Remain with him as long as he treats you with love and respect. But don’t tolerate physical abuse for one minute. Have a heart to heart conversation with him about what you feel about physical abuse without ever mentioning what his ex told you about him. Warn him that if he ever becomes physically abusive with you, that you two are done. Also talk about cheating. Don’t tolerate it not even once. Let him know that should he ever cheats on you that you will no longer remain with him. But be prepared to leave him should he do either one of them. For physical abuse, separation is warranted. But for cheating, divorce would be the best option.
Rule number one. Never let anyone have in input on your marriage. Yes she may have been married to him before but your relationship is totally different from his and hers and there’s always two sides to a story! See how easily it was for her to share stuff with you and how you’re questioning your husband? It’s not fair to him at all and if your feelings have altered based off her words than you owe it to him to speak about this before you divorce your husband over his ex wife