I loved the whole I shouldn't have put my hands on you but then we will make this work whether you like it or not. Nothing says crazy more than an I'm sorry followed by a threat.
As someone with BPD , she sounds like she could have an undiagnosed/ unmanaged brain disorder. There’s no shame in it unless you’re hurting the people who love you.
3rd BPDer......... I was like this during my years of being undiagnosed/unmedicated AND mismedicated.........
Push people away & then pull them desperately back quicker than how the opposite transpired.
I even threatened to kill myself throughout various long-term toxic/abusive &/or violent relationships. I've been on both sides if the spectrum..... the abused & the abuser.
SHE
NEEDS
HELP
A
S
A
P
I'm going to assume like a decade or more ago 💀 if she is in the state of mind I understand her to be in, she WILL deny that she has ANY issues.
#deluluisthesolulu
DO what is best for YOU & the CHILDREN....... She WILL have to fall MANY times BEFORE she sees the light. LET her learn her lessons, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE take those lessons away from her UNLESS you wish for her to take longer to grow & evolve; then by all means slow her down so she doesn't make it to the finish line sooner.
She WILL hit rock bottom MANY times, but SHE must CHOOSE for HERSELF......... and most DEFINITELY not for anyone else, for should she choose to walk that path and God forbid someone (in her perception/denial/etc) "fails" to live up to her expectations & ultimatums it is a downward spiral for EVERYONE that will come in contact with her.
"WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR (OWN) HAPPINESS, AND FOR NO ONE ELSE'S." It is our DUTY to ourselves & to one another to uphold & assert healthy boundaries. It is our responsibility to ourselves to stipulate what we will & will not tolerate; with how much energy we currently possess, how quickly we can regenerate, recover & heal, the knowledge & skills we have acquired, and the wisdom we hope to carry forward for future generations to enrich themselves with.
I was recently reminded of the power of connection. Whether it be a loving gesture or a hateful one; what love has taught us is that many have died & killed more for love than any other emotion. This much I know is true, for neither they ever knew of its sweet reprieve & blessings nor was it safe from harm. Her words are a testament to her fear of abandonment, which in this case is not, yet that does not lessen the torture that befalls her every moment she does not receive what she believes is her right & glory.
Be careful, keep records of everything... and record EVERY conversation. You will need it, for she will not remember everything correctly.
Completely agree 👍
I have BPD and prior to diagnosis I was unfortunately similar 😔
Never threw my hands but definitely couldn't control my emotions and had severe abandonment issues.
Since my diagnosis and treatment plan management I finally feel in control of my emotions and ptsd (to a degree of course)
I know my triggers and know when to reach out.
OP If she's willing to receive help and support from a medical team/mental health service and you still love her and want your marriage to make it.... dont give up, we do get better with the correct treatment...
It's a process but if you both get the support you need, you'll be so surprised by the 360° turn around.
In saying that if she is unwilling and just a C... run for the hills.. it will only get worse for you x
BUT IF YOU'RE UNSAFE AND KNOW SHE WONT CHANGE.... RUN!
Her threats are just to manipulate you and wanting to control you... please stay vigilant and keep records. STAY SAFE...
Regardless of anything, this is a DV situation.. BPD or not... maybe reach out to a dv hotline etc as well so at least someone in a professional field is aware of your situation for future reference.
This is so relatable and congratulations to you for getting treatment…it’s so rough to look back on the past and how we have treated ourselves and loved ones but I notice that people with BPD in recovery will be the first to tell you to leave someone with BPD if they are not actively managing their disorder/getting treatment.
And some of these comments here in this post gaslighting him are concerning. Like “make it work”, or “she’s emotionally dis regulated, give her another chance”.
If the roles were reversed.. horrible how when OP is a man and the victim how people in the comments try to gaslight him like what she did isn’t a “big deal”, that he should “work it out with her”, a comment even implying that it was his fault?? “Why did she do that”??
Fucking horrible
ETA: thankfully some of those comments have been removed by the mods.. mods, thank you for your service!
I am a woman and I think it’s just as messed up for a woman to abuse the man because he’s expected to not defend himself or if he does, he’s easily labeled as “abusive”. Either way, no one should be in an abusive relationship
I think this particular woman is particularly messed up and really feel for OP.
It's one of the most difficult situations (to try and break up with a "disregulated" person. Read: quasi-psychotic person in this case.
This woman is not regulating well or realistically.
Female here and I've been through DV 3 times.
I've actually helped numerous men through DV situations and plan to run a support group at some point after completion of my studies.
Not all women are man haters.
My father committed suicide due to DV and I attempted suicide after my second DV situation.
This isn't an attack on you, I just wanted to show you that not all women excuse this behaviour 🥹
Aw, hon. I know. I just wish more of us did better. My partner suffered abuse, and many of my guy friends have - as have I - but the treatment disparity shocks me. Also, the most abusive person I've ever had the misfortune to know is one of my grandmothers. Dear god, the destruction she wrought.
I'm so sorry about your dad. I suspect we come from a similar background. And I'm really glad you're still here. Keep being here. ❤️
Yeah, I know. It disgusts me. So much hate to those ignorant assholes.
My partner was in an abusive marriage, and I have several close make friends - I'm talking friendships over decades, through thick and thin, part of my heart friends - who have been abused. I've had to sit several down and say THIS IS ABUSE, IMAGINE IF A GUY DID THIS TO A WOMAN. I've seen them become literally suicidal because of the incessant blame, accusations, paranoia, silent treatments, insults and pure erosion of confidence and worth.
I don't care what gender an abuser is, abuse is abuse.
Most of people on this sub would be saying call the police and make a police report and to divorce the person if the roles were reversed. It's one of the things I hate about this sub. Rarely is the advice rational or logical...vs emotional. Physical violence towards another partner is a HUGE ISSUE. However, each situation is different, though it all is bad when an adult can't control their emotions to the point of hitting their partner. It's one thing to break something (still very bad and lacking in self-control), but violence towards another is about as bad as a relationship can get.
I was in an abusive relationship and it starts off small before getting worse. I thought for sure I was going to die the last time. She needs help and she won’t get help until you leave. You need to keep these texts and make yourself and your kids safe. Please fight for your family’s safety.
Fucking thank you, the double standard is insane. So many people give women a pass for toxic behavior because of "XYZ." Toxic people need to be called out and held accountable regardless of their gender.
Yes that’s exactly what it is. I am someone who has or is being diagnosed with BPD and seeking help. There is no meds for it. It will be an on going thing.
She's a walking red flag. Threatening to make the divorce process horrific if he doesn't stay with her is incredibly abusive.
She is a terrible terrible person.
Amen as well. I'm a product of divorced parents and ended up with a stepdad who was an amazing role model and father to me. And I actually got to see my mom happy and learn what a marriage should be. No doubt it was for the best.
I’m a parent who divorced because my kids deserved better than me and their dad could give them as a couple! No regrets and the kids are happily living in two healthy homes instead of one toxic one. My kids were old enough to see the misery and old enough to compare their new family dynamics to their old ones and all agree it is way better across the board.
Same here. My mom has chosen to stay with my dad because her church scared her into staying with him. Apparently putting up with an abusive husband is the right thing to do, and leaving an abusive husband for your own sake and the sake of your children is evil.
They’ve been married 26 years, and as an adult I just can’t take hearing my mom talk about all the shit she puts up with anymore. I’ve been in therapy working through the affects of being raised in the toxic environment I was raised in, and I’m so glad I’ve come to a place where I can actually work through these things, but my mom is still under the impression that had she left my dad at any point the world would’ve just exploded. She now believes leaving him isn’t worth it because she’s already been with him for so long. They got married 3 months after they met for the very first time just to put it into perspective a bit. I used to feel awful about this whole situation, but now it just makes me angry. What makes me even more angry is the fact that my situation/the household I was brought up in is so much more common than it ever should be.
I mean, no kid wants divorced parents.
But they’d prefer divorced parents to deeply unhappy ones.
One of my best childhood friends told me, as an adult, he wished his parents had gotten divorced so they could’ve been happy (or at least less unhappy).
I completely understand this. I would lay in bed at night listening to the screaming and just pray to God that he would give my mom the courage to actually leave and take us. She never would because of “religion” and us kids…. But oh my god divorced separate households would have been a dream come true.
Physical abuse is a line you can't uncross when crossed.
And the threats in the text really just back up your decision to leave.
Well done getting out.
I would be willing to forgive a slap if there is true remorse and the will to change.
But fuck, the second messages shows already that there is no remorse at all.
It’s easy to say when you didn’t grow up with a family where it was normal to handle conflicts like that. That is why I wrote the „will to change“. That includes anger management and therapy. Doesn’t mean you should allow them to keep hitting you.
Yea. I’ve always felt mistakes or something. They may not understand. Everyone deserves a second chance if they are showing clear remorse and wanting to work on it, but this text is very scary and beyond the second chance. No it’s just a repetitive pattern.
>Everyone deserves a second chance
I don't completely agree. The victim doesn't have any responsibility to forgive or give extra chances. They can have their second chance with someone else. They can work on themselves and be a better partner in the future, I agree with that, but they don't automatically deserve a chance to do that with the person they hurt.
EXACTLY. I was like okay, that first message doesn't read so bad. I'd feel the same way if I ever lost control and slapped my husband. I'd feel truly awful. Every line after that I was like, excuse me but what the fuck? lol
Can you explain why you'd forgive it? I'm not criticizing, I want to know your logic or whatever. Any kind of physical aggression seems.... so weird for a couple to take part in.
Because many grow up with violence. For them it’s normal at one point. Doesn’t make it acceptable. But it shows a deeper issue that must be taken care of. Especially when you have kids.
I also think that hormonal change can mess up your brain. When I was pregnant with my first child, there was a time where I got so damn aggressive. I read similar things happen when you are on your menopause. Again. No excuse. But If this hasn’t happened before it can be a wake up call to realise „I have a problem. I lost control.“ in case of menopause it messed getting the right medicine.
Also I remember a time where a slap of a woman in a mans face wasn’t seen as bad. There are movies where it’s shown as just dramatic and where the guy even kisses the woman after it. Completely messed up. I know. But sometimes I have the feeling that people don’t think about that this is violence too. That this isn’t dramatic. It’s violence. The older I get the more I realise how messed up many this were when I grew up. I am glad that times have changed.
I am not saying this to make the violence seem less dramatic. It’s absolutely wrong. But if you had a good relationship and something like that never happened before, you should see this as a wake up call. Not minimise it. You should immediately take care of it.
This. I’ve worked with so many men who were abused by exes with BPD or some disorder and they lost their kids, homes, etc because they had no proof in writing.
agree, she is more worried what people will think of her then doing the hard work of getting help and doing the work to change for a happy and safe relationship
Imagine if a woman posted this.
Every reply would be, "Call the police and fire a report for domestic battery."
I say the same applies to you. You need to file a police report especially since she has assaulted you then threated you. That means she is unstable and someone you want the courts on your side.
If you do take her back you need to treat her as a domestic abuser. She is going to need to spend a long time regsining your trust and having filed police reports will protect you if she does this again.
It will keep her from taking your kids away from you!
Yes, you are doing the right thing.
There are several red flags in these messages.
She didn't go into detail or show remorse when apologizing.
But when she said, "YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME," it's as if she thinks she can control what you do. Then, she uses the kids and goes back to, "We met for each other."
I understand she's in shock, but she must have been very controlling.
But how are you feeling about it?
That one line in these texts give off “if I can’t have you no one can” vibes. OP, I’m saying this from personal, real life experience — it will not get better.
Yes, the mental gymnastics in these texts and the “I will raise hell if you try to leave” and “do you think the kids want divorced parents” is only one rock-bottom away from “I hurt them so you couldn’t make them suffer anymore because they wouldn’t have wanted a broken family”. The weaponization of the children to shame her victim into staying in an abusive relationship is one step away from hurting the kids to get back at the other parent. OP now has proof of her abuse in writing and he should use it and contact a lawyer.
No hitting in anger. No cheating. No hiding money or buying things with the ok from the other one. These are the 3 rules we agreed on when we got married. We figured we could work out all the rest. This kind of action can get one of you in jail.
I was married for 22 years. I received a statement like that 8 years before she ghosted me. I should have manned up and left after she was arrested for DV. I would have saved my kids from watching her bad behavior for 8 very important years of their lives. Good luck.
I'm really sorry you were ever in that situation. I hope you and your children are healing from that. My mother was similar toward my father and he has still never left her. I'll never understand it. I'm really glad you got away.
The abuse will only get worse once you go back. If you go back to her, she’ll know she can treat you like shit and there won’t be any consequences. She’ll know she can do what she wants to you and you’ll eventually give in.
Is there like, a handbook for abusive partners? Cause this is classic oscillation between anger and contrition. I’m just curious how they all learn to react the same way.
Ummm, this is **extremely** concerning, my dude. As if the physical abuse weren't enough, these texts seem...unhinged, to put it nicely.
She spends more time in these texts threatening you than showing any real contrition or remorse. I'm really not trying to make fun, but they read straight up psycho.
Honestly, I think you have a genuine, Grade-A abuser on your hands. And I don't say that lightly. Men getting abused by women is such a difficult situation. There's nothing right you can do. You hit her back and you're a monster, rightfully so. You don't fight back, and you become a victim...whom no one believes, and/or think is a pathetic excuse of a man for getting beat up by a woman.
My BIL's ex beat the hell out of him, black eyes, broken lips, bloody nose, it was brutal. But as a Marine, of course he didn't dare lift a finger back at her. He took some selfies after this kept happening to at least have some kind of proof of what was going on. She went through his phone and found them, and lost her damn mind. Made him delete it all in front of her or she was gonna call the cops and claim that *he* was the one abusing her. And of course, as soon as he went out of town for training, she was immediately cheating on him. I was so relieved for him when they finally got divorced.
Anyway, hopefully you're wife isn't anywhere near that bad. But these texts do not show the basic level of human decency that they should after physical assault.
She needs professional help. And you need a lawyer.
——
Edit, just stumbled across this: https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/ANWDP29OZ8
Spot on, this is abusive behavior. Abuse escalates over time as the abuser takes away the victim's options. That's why it's a bit lame to say, "I would just leave if someone did that to me." *Everyone* would leave a romantic partner who hit them if they felt it was an option. Victims who stay think they have nowhere to go.
The texts give away the abuser's agenda, which is maintaining control in the relationship. The slap was meant to keep him in line and instead he took off. This is why victims are in the most danger at the moment they leave - because the abuser will quickly get more extreme to maintain control. In this case, it seems that *not promptly replying to a text* has led the abuser to start making wild threats
And you're right, it's more difficult when women abuse men; women are much more often the victims of violence from romantic partners.
But that doesn't mean OP isn't in peril. Maybe the children, too.
I would file for divorce. Being hit is an absolute deal breaker for me. That’s something that I don’t think anyone should be given a second chance. That’s not love.
I'm a woman but my ex husband put his hands on me. We have 2 kids, we divorced 6yrs ago. I promise your kids will be much better off with 2 healthy homes than 1 toxic one. You're not doing them favors, don't use them as an excuse.
I'm sorry but I've read too many stories of moms that kill their children to get back at their husband and this is giving me those vibes. She can contest the divorce all she wants but it'll eventually get done. Worry about yourself and those kids and go see a lawyer before you get fucked.
No …. No you weren’t…. Sounds like a fight my husband and I had in 2015 when I asked. I conceded and I’m still not very happy. Don’t be me. At least you have this in writing. This was verbalized to me so had no proof. He would drag me out of bed physically by my hair to argue. I gave in. Thankfully it’s not like that anymore but because I gave in. Well that and we cut out alcohol. You weren’t meant to be together and she’s not going to kill herself. That will be her next threat. Don’t buy it.
You have an opportunity. Seize it and get out of this situation. It will only get worse from here unless you want to wait till the kids are all grown up.
A friend of mine was having trouble with his wife a few years after they got married. They had just moved back from overseas.
I told him to just get divorced as it was clear they were incompatible and the issues they had went bone deep and couldn't be fixed without major effort she wasn't willing to do.
At that point, neither of them had much money or kids to keep them together.
He thought he could make it work and I kept my mouth shut after that.
Now 15+ years later, he is miserable and in a much more difficult situation. They have three young kids and he is the major breadwinner.
He is going to divorce her but its going to be much more difficult for everyone involved than it would have been when I had initially suggested it.
"We'll make it work if you like it or not."
OK, baby.
Call the police, report her assault, have her arrested and taken away. Get a restraining order. Use the texts as evidence. Serve her with divorce papers. This woman has literally admitted, in writing, threatening and assaulting you.
…
She can’t keep you from leaving her. If that were the case, people wouldn’t be able to leave abusive relationships. Do not fall for her threats. She can’t “make you stay”. All you need to do is fill out those papers and even have someone else such as a lawyer, serve them to her. Once the process has started, it’s started. Imagine if an abusive spouse had that “right” to “approve” the divorce.. leaving abusive relationships wouldn’t be possible if that were the case, which is a very horrifying thought. She can rip those papers but that won’t matter. She cannot “keep” you against your will. My stepmom did this to my dad, and her threats worked. She abused me in the past and my dad was trying to leave her at one point. He became a shell of a human and stopped trying basically, so I continued to be abused. I no longer talk to them anymore.
OP, your kids will thank you. Trust me. They’ve been sensing a whole bunch of dysfunction for a while. Kids sense dysfunction, even if it’s been “hidden from them”. Kids just know. Would you want your children to be in the same type of relationship when they are older? Im sure not. You are their role model. They look up to you. Time for you and for them to sigh a big relief and accept the peace of mind and happiness that is to come when you leave her.
Well done for keeping that screen Shot, now take that to a lawyer and start the process now, the sooner it's done and that evil is out of your life the better you'll be able to start making a positive on your own life again. Good luck OP
She seems really confused about what it means to apologize. The message is more threatening than anything. I hope she doesn’t put her hands on you again- it doesn’t really seem like she’s sorry. She’s possessive and just wants what *she wants*. Good luck!
Hey man, as a woman I will tell you the same thing I’d tell a man - it will escalate, you’re seeing the cracks in her personality, her texts to you are backing all that up
Glad you left her. She sounds so controlling. That wasn't an apology when she added the 'alright' to it. That was her giving you what she thinks you want to hear
She sounds unhinged. It’s unfortunate about the typo in her first text. I’d want the court to see definitive proof she admitted to hitting you. Hopefully it holds up even with the typo.
I'll give the same advice to you that I'd give to a friend showing me these messages- leave. You've been physically abused now, I would assume emotionally abused on repeat, and abusers don't stop- they escalate. If you were saying you really want to stay I'd give you different advice about helping her learn to regulate- but since it seems like you recognize that abuse is unacceptable, I just want to back you up there. Too many people stay with abusers and they end up hurt worse, for a longer period of time, and struggle in future relationships because of it. Leave, keep every wild message she sends you as evidence, and go live your best life.
Has anything like that happened before? You have leverage to get her some help. It seems likely a mental health episode is occurring, I don’t know enough if the background. Definitely need some distance and interventions
She sounds like a controlling abuser. If her remorse were real she would let you call the shots, even if you left for good, and she would get help. Show these texts to your lawyer to help you get custody of the kids since she is violence.
If you go back it might be worse. I walked out on a 16 year marriage when things got to a state where there could have been physical abuse. Emotional, mental and financial abuse precedes physical abuse. There is no going back for the sake of the kids. They need you to be their lifeline.
My husband’s ex physically abused him. It starts so slowly, but it never gets better. Please consider the advice you’re getting on this post. You and your children deserve so much better than this.
Just a few days? Yikes. I hope you’re doing everything - attorney, law enforcement, banks, safe place - to get your ducks in a row so you and your kids can get out.
She isn’t a safe person anymore. She put her hands on you, is threatening to make divorce difficult, and using your kids to guilt trip you into staying. She can’t use the ‘think of the kids’ card because she hit you, their father, in their home, why didn’t she think of the kids before behaving in such a way? What kind of example is she setting for the kids? She’ll hit you again. Protect yourself and protect your kids. Document everything.
Hmmm... this language looks EXACTLY like the kind of language one of my exes would use... she's has so many mental health issues it's horrible. She goes through life not caring about who she destroys in her path, so long as she gets what she wants out of it. She is an absolutely broken human, and has been since her own family fell apart as a child. She's been a stripper, a cheater many times over, a pathological liar, homewrecker.... I could go on and on....
Some are beyond saving. Run FAR away and take your kid with you. Don't continue to be manipulated and allow your kid to remain in this environment. I'm sure there's so much more to this darker side that you don't even know....
Looks very similar to my husbands ex. Finally going to court to get his son back, hoping for good luck 🍀
I hope you find peace and happiness, dude. Some people can be very cruel and I’m sorry you and your kids went through this :(
She slapped you, physical. Now these remarks and She is telling You how it's going to be. She definitely feels she needs to be in control.
It's good You split up for a few days of reflection.
She is correct in one thing, you should put forth 100% effort to see if you can solve this on behalf of your family and kids.
I'm always thought, I worked hard to have my my kids have my my kids and family. Why do I want them to be from a broken family
I suggest documenting everything she has done. Record every meeting and phone call. If you meet with her, have a witness present. Seek legal assistance and restraining order asap.
Good for you! No Abuse of any kind is acceptable. You did what’s right. I grew up with verbally and physically abusive parents and I was so happy when they divorced. Peace in the house is what the kids need and want!
This is scary behaviour. “We were meant to be together” ? Girl…
you should leave this woman, she doesn’t see her actions as wrong at all. She’ll do it again and worse and it doesn’t matter because you guys are ‘meant to be’.
This is absolutely disgusting. She put her hands on you, proceeds to gaslight, and threatens you. Nope. It's time to get a really good lawyer. I'm sorry this happened to you. Just like I'd tell a gf, once is one too many, and it only escalates from here.
Don’t call her as a divorced man of going on two years it doesn’t work a second time around. I was also a case consultant for a law firm. If that means squat to you then please read ahead. 1. Don’t cuss, insult, or yell at her be as polite as you can half of what can happen to you in court especially divorce can be effected by not only your legal team but theirs no one wants to see a guy who’s screaming at a woman win. 2.keep every text every threat it helps. 3. I am sorry about your kids but don’t fall into that trap all you two will do is argue and it will make their home life hell. 4. Seek therapy by near the end of my marriage I had called my brother had he not answered a shotgun was my next out. I am not saying that is you but divorce is stressful and can make even the smartest person weak and vulnerable. 5. I am here if you need a nonjudgmental ear to listen just message me anytime. 6. You’re not alone always remember that.
My dude ..that's abuse. You going to let a woman show your kids that abuse is ok to stay bc of kids. Manipulation. Show all this to your lawyer. Get kids and ask for supervised visitation therapy for her definitely. Please update. Keep all receipts. Video all. Show kids as well so she doesn't manipulate the situation. Abuse isn't something you feel ashamed to tell your kids about. I've been there. And it bite me on the arse. Bring it all to light.
Besides from the fact she seems insufferable, dude if you’re not happy this is your way out. She seems unwell. Would she give you the same consideration if the roles were reversed? (I’ve never hit a woman, never will)
I’m so sorry this happened to you. These texts are super concerning! An apology should never be followed by a threat. If this is wildly uncharacteristic- she needs a psych and physical exam, if it is- you and your kids deserve way better.
It's usually over when this line is crossed because it'll happen again. Disrespectful. I did that to my former husband at the end of our marriage 7 years ago in the thick of my alcohol addiction and we both were so shocked....we knew right then and there that was it. I peacefully packed up. I did have a relationship where that happened amid addiction relapse but both got clean and that did not repeat, we both were willing to do the work and not throw it away or our recovery.
Sure, "I'm sorry I put my hands on you..." reads well enough on its own, but the rest of the barrage of messages put it into better context, like "I'm sorry I put my hands on you and you stood up for yourself." I think OP has some things to think about, and going back to her shouldn't be one of them.
I feel that physical abuse in a relationship is a deal breaker. If that is the same for you then you know why you need to do. The text message suggests that the slap is a progression of their behavior. If you don’t leave, you need to take some time apart and get therapy.
These texts are just as concerning. She clearly has difficulty regulating her emotions.
Her baseline appears to be nuclear.
I loved the whole I shouldn't have put my hands on you but then we will make this work whether you like it or not. Nothing says crazy more than an I'm sorry followed by a threat.
As someone with BPD , she sounds like she could have an undiagnosed/ unmanaged brain disorder. There’s no shame in it unless you’re hurting the people who love you.
Second BPDer here. Yeah, first thing I thought too.
3rd BPDer......... I was like this during my years of being undiagnosed/unmedicated AND mismedicated......... Push people away & then pull them desperately back quicker than how the opposite transpired. I even threatened to kill myself throughout various long-term toxic/abusive &/or violent relationships. I've been on both sides if the spectrum..... the abused & the abuser. SHE NEEDS HELP A S A P I'm going to assume like a decade or more ago 💀 if she is in the state of mind I understand her to be in, she WILL deny that she has ANY issues. #deluluisthesolulu DO what is best for YOU & the CHILDREN....... She WILL have to fall MANY times BEFORE she sees the light. LET her learn her lessons, DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE take those lessons away from her UNLESS you wish for her to take longer to grow & evolve; then by all means slow her down so she doesn't make it to the finish line sooner. She WILL hit rock bottom MANY times, but SHE must CHOOSE for HERSELF......... and most DEFINITELY not for anyone else, for should she choose to walk that path and God forbid someone (in her perception/denial/etc) "fails" to live up to her expectations & ultimatums it is a downward spiral for EVERYONE that will come in contact with her. "WE ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR OUR (OWN) HAPPINESS, AND FOR NO ONE ELSE'S." It is our DUTY to ourselves & to one another to uphold & assert healthy boundaries. It is our responsibility to ourselves to stipulate what we will & will not tolerate; with how much energy we currently possess, how quickly we can regenerate, recover & heal, the knowledge & skills we have acquired, and the wisdom we hope to carry forward for future generations to enrich themselves with. I was recently reminded of the power of connection. Whether it be a loving gesture or a hateful one; what love has taught us is that many have died & killed more for love than any other emotion. This much I know is true, for neither they ever knew of its sweet reprieve & blessings nor was it safe from harm. Her words are a testament to her fear of abandonment, which in this case is not, yet that does not lessen the torture that befalls her every moment she does not receive what she believes is her right & glory. Be careful, keep records of everything... and record EVERY conversation. You will need it, for she will not remember everything correctly.
4th BPDer came to say the same thing as well
I don’t even know your gender and half want to propose. Freaking beautifully said. I sprained my thump hitting that upvote.
Oh no not the thump!
I have bpd as well…. You are 💯 correct
Completely agree 👍 I have BPD and prior to diagnosis I was unfortunately similar 😔 Never threw my hands but definitely couldn't control my emotions and had severe abandonment issues. Since my diagnosis and treatment plan management I finally feel in control of my emotions and ptsd (to a degree of course) I know my triggers and know when to reach out. OP If she's willing to receive help and support from a medical team/mental health service and you still love her and want your marriage to make it.... dont give up, we do get better with the correct treatment... It's a process but if you both get the support you need, you'll be so surprised by the 360° turn around. In saying that if she is unwilling and just a C... run for the hills.. it will only get worse for you x
BUT IF YOU'RE UNSAFE AND KNOW SHE WONT CHANGE.... RUN! Her threats are just to manipulate you and wanting to control you... please stay vigilant and keep records. STAY SAFE... Regardless of anything, this is a DV situation.. BPD or not... maybe reach out to a dv hotline etc as well so at least someone in a professional field is aware of your situation for future reference.
This is so relatable and congratulations to you for getting treatment…it’s so rough to look back on the past and how we have treated ourselves and loved ones but I notice that people with BPD in recovery will be the first to tell you to leave someone with BPD if they are not actively managing their disorder/getting treatment.
And some of these comments here in this post gaslighting him are concerning. Like “make it work”, or “she’s emotionally dis regulated, give her another chance”. If the roles were reversed.. horrible how when OP is a man and the victim how people in the comments try to gaslight him like what she did isn’t a “big deal”, that he should “work it out with her”, a comment even implying that it was his fault?? “Why did she do that”?? Fucking horrible ETA: thankfully some of those comments have been removed by the mods.. mods, thank you for your service!
I'm sick to fucking death of women excusing abuse when it's a woman abusing a man.
I am a woman and I think it’s just as messed up for a woman to abuse the man because he’s expected to not defend himself or if he does, he’s easily labeled as “abusive”. Either way, no one should be in an abusive relationship
I think this particular woman is particularly messed up and really feel for OP. It's one of the most difficult situations (to try and break up with a "disregulated" person. Read: quasi-psychotic person in this case. This woman is not regulating well or realistically.
I love all of you ladies!
Female here and I've been through DV 3 times. I've actually helped numerous men through DV situations and plan to run a support group at some point after completion of my studies. Not all women are man haters. My father committed suicide due to DV and I attempted suicide after my second DV situation. This isn't an attack on you, I just wanted to show you that not all women excuse this behaviour 🥹
Aw, hon. I know. I just wish more of us did better. My partner suffered abuse, and many of my guy friends have - as have I - but the treatment disparity shocks me. Also, the most abusive person I've ever had the misfortune to know is one of my grandmothers. Dear god, the destruction she wrought. I'm so sorry about your dad. I suspect we come from a similar background. And I'm really glad you're still here. Keep being here. ❤️
Sadly a lot of people turn a blind eye. I’ve been abused and people don’t care or say tough luck, you deserved it, xyz. It’s very isolating
FYI you never ever deserve abuse, and always deserve better. The more men that speak up about this shit, the better.
Yeah, I know. It disgusts me. So much hate to those ignorant assholes. My partner was in an abusive marriage, and I have several close make friends - I'm talking friendships over decades, through thick and thin, part of my heart friends - who have been abused. I've had to sit several down and say THIS IS ABUSE, IMAGINE IF A GUY DID THIS TO A WOMAN. I've seen them become literally suicidal because of the incessant blame, accusations, paranoia, silent treatments, insults and pure erosion of confidence and worth. I don't care what gender an abuser is, abuse is abuse.
Most of people on this sub would be saying call the police and make a police report and to divorce the person if the roles were reversed. It's one of the things I hate about this sub. Rarely is the advice rational or logical...vs emotional. Physical violence towards another partner is a HUGE ISSUE. However, each situation is different, though it all is bad when an adult can't control their emotions to the point of hitting their partner. It's one thing to break something (still very bad and lacking in self-control), but violence towards another is about as bad as a relationship can get.
I think he should indeed make a police report - non-emergency or online, but make it. Document in other ways as well.
this
OP could be another woman
I was in an abusive relationship and it starts off small before getting worse. I thought for sure I was going to die the last time. She needs help and she won’t get help until you leave. You need to keep these texts and make yourself and your kids safe. Please fight for your family’s safety.
Fucking thank you, the double standard is insane. So many people give women a pass for toxic behavior because of "XYZ." Toxic people need to be called out and held accountable regardless of their gender.
She has no difficulty exerting her need for control. Jeez she is *scary*.
Borderline personality disorder written all over these texts
Yes that’s exactly what it is. I am someone who has or is being diagnosed with BPD and seeking help. There is no meds for it. It will be an on going thing.
She's a walking red flag. Threatening to make the divorce process horrific if he doesn't stay with her is incredibly abusive. She is a terrible terrible person.
This bothered me more than the slap
Nah. Kids are better off with divorced parents than with parents in a toxic marriage.
Amen!! I'm a product of parents staying in a toxic marriage.
Amen as well. I'm a product of divorced parents and ended up with a stepdad who was an amazing role model and father to me. And I actually got to see my mom happy and learn what a marriage should be. No doubt it was for the best.
Love this. I appreciate people speaking up more about choosing healthy relationships.
I’m a parent who divorced because my kids deserved better than me and their dad could give them as a couple! No regrets and the kids are happily living in two healthy homes instead of one toxic one. My kids were old enough to see the misery and old enough to compare their new family dynamics to their old ones and all agree it is way better across the board.
Same here. My mom has chosen to stay with my dad because her church scared her into staying with him. Apparently putting up with an abusive husband is the right thing to do, and leaving an abusive husband for your own sake and the sake of your children is evil. They’ve been married 26 years, and as an adult I just can’t take hearing my mom talk about all the shit she puts up with anymore. I’ve been in therapy working through the affects of being raised in the toxic environment I was raised in, and I’m so glad I’ve come to a place where I can actually work through these things, but my mom is still under the impression that had she left my dad at any point the world would’ve just exploded. She now believes leaving him isn’t worth it because she’s already been with him for so long. They got married 3 months after they met for the very first time just to put it into perspective a bit. I used to feel awful about this whole situation, but now it just makes me angry. What makes me even more angry is the fact that my situation/the household I was brought up in is so much more common than it ever should be.
I mean, no kid wants divorced parents. But they’d prefer divorced parents to deeply unhappy ones. One of my best childhood friends told me, as an adult, he wished his parents had gotten divorced so they could’ve been happy (or at least less unhappy).
As a kid, I prayed for divorced parents. Living in a toxic environment is way worse than having divorced parents.
I completely understand this. I would lay in bed at night listening to the screaming and just pray to God that he would give my mom the courage to actually leave and take us. She never would because of “religion” and us kids…. But oh my god divorced separate households would have been a dream come true.
My parents were divorced and STILL unhappy individually. They tore apart their union and nothing changed for them.
Yeah but can you imagine how miserable they would have been together?
Frankly if these texts are any indicator of what she is like with them they might well be better off without her entirely.
Especially if there is violence. Kids are better in a home without violence than one with
100% this!!
Kids deserve to be raised with happy parents. He’s not happy and she’s Toxic AF
As someone who grew up with divorced parents and witnessed their toxic marriage before their divorce, this is true.
If she’s physically violent I hope he gets custody until she gets serious help
Physical abuse is a line you can't uncross when crossed. And the threats in the text really just back up your decision to leave. Well done getting out.
I would be willing to forgive a slap if there is true remorse and the will to change. But fuck, the second messages shows already that there is no remorse at all.
Exactly. A one time thing can be forgiven, possibly. But she doesn’t seem to care, she just wants control.
I’m sorry but the only time an adult should put their hands on another adult is if it’s in self defense. A slap is intolerable and usually gets worse.
It’s easy to say when you didn’t grow up with a family where it was normal to handle conflicts like that. That is why I wrote the „will to change“. That includes anger management and therapy. Doesn’t mean you should allow them to keep hitting you.
Yea. I’ve always felt mistakes or something. They may not understand. Everyone deserves a second chance if they are showing clear remorse and wanting to work on it, but this text is very scary and beyond the second chance. No it’s just a repetitive pattern.
>Everyone deserves a second chance I don't completely agree. The victim doesn't have any responsibility to forgive or give extra chances. They can have their second chance with someone else. They can work on themselves and be a better partner in the future, I agree with that, but they don't automatically deserve a chance to do that with the person they hurt.
EXACTLY. I was like okay, that first message doesn't read so bad. I'd feel the same way if I ever lost control and slapped my husband. I'd feel truly awful. Every line after that I was like, excuse me but what the fuck? lol
Can you explain why you'd forgive it? I'm not criticizing, I want to know your logic or whatever. Any kind of physical aggression seems.... so weird for a couple to take part in.
Because many grow up with violence. For them it’s normal at one point. Doesn’t make it acceptable. But it shows a deeper issue that must be taken care of. Especially when you have kids. I also think that hormonal change can mess up your brain. When I was pregnant with my first child, there was a time where I got so damn aggressive. I read similar things happen when you are on your menopause. Again. No excuse. But If this hasn’t happened before it can be a wake up call to realise „I have a problem. I lost control.“ in case of menopause it messed getting the right medicine. Also I remember a time where a slap of a woman in a mans face wasn’t seen as bad. There are movies where it’s shown as just dramatic and where the guy even kisses the woman after it. Completely messed up. I know. But sometimes I have the feeling that people don’t think about that this is violence too. That this isn’t dramatic. It’s violence. The older I get the more I realise how messed up many this were when I grew up. I am glad that times have changed. I am not saying this to make the violence seem less dramatic. It’s absolutely wrong. But if you had a good relationship and something like that never happened before, you should see this as a wake up call. Not minimise it. You should immediately take care of it.
Thanks for the insight!
..and you print out that screenshot and hand it to your attorney right away before she makes up any false accusations.
Yeah. Physical abuse is a dealbreaker.
I have left women for physically abusing me and for infidelity. They will continue to do it if we stay.
This. I’ve worked with so many men who were abused by exes with BPD or some disorder and they lost their kids, homes, etc because they had no proof in writing.
Exactly
She sounds unstable and dangerous. I wouldn’t feel safe going back if I were you.
She doesn’t care about you, she just doesn’t want to be divorced.
agree, she is more worried what people will think of her then doing the hard work of getting help and doing the work to change for a happy and safe relationship
Yup. This is exactly how my ex responded when I left for something similar. They care more about the optics and the shame *for them*.
ding ding ding
Imagine if a woman posted this. Every reply would be, "Call the police and fire a report for domestic battery." I say the same applies to you. You need to file a police report especially since she has assaulted you then threated you. That means she is unstable and someone you want the courts on your side. If you do take her back you need to treat her as a domestic abuser. She is going to need to spend a long time regsining your trust and having filed police reports will protect you if she does this again. It will keep her from taking your kids away from you!
100% this
It's a hard boundary for me, I'd be out.
Oh my god. You’re going to end up on dateline. Please get your kids and seek a protective order
Yes, you are doing the right thing. There are several red flags in these messages. She didn't go into detail or show remorse when apologizing. But when she said, "YOU ARE NOT LEAVING ME," it's as if she thinks she can control what you do. Then, she uses the kids and goes back to, "We met for each other." I understand she's in shock, but she must have been very controlling. But how are you feeling about it?
That one line in these texts give off “if I can’t have you no one can” vibes. OP, I’m saying this from personal, real life experience — it will not get better.
And I'd be worried she'd harm the kids to hurt him. No way I'd go back.
Yes, the mental gymnastics in these texts and the “I will raise hell if you try to leave” and “do you think the kids want divorced parents” is only one rock-bottom away from “I hurt them so you couldn’t make them suffer anymore because they wouldn’t have wanted a broken family”. The weaponization of the children to shame her victim into staying in an abusive relationship is one step away from hurting the kids to get back at the other parent. OP now has proof of her abuse in writing and he should use it and contact a lawyer.
No hitting in anger. No cheating. No hiding money or buying things with the ok from the other one. These are the 3 rules we agreed on when we got married. We figured we could work out all the rest. This kind of action can get one of you in jail.
Wait, no buying things "with the okay from the other one" or "without the okay?"
Maybe don’t buy big ticket items without discussing it no mid life crisis toys
I was married for 22 years. I received a statement like that 8 years before she ghosted me. I should have manned up and left after she was arrested for DV. I would have saved my kids from watching her bad behavior for 8 very important years of their lives. Good luck.
I'm really sorry you were ever in that situation. I hope you and your children are healing from that. My mother was similar toward my father and he has still never left her. I'll never understand it. I'm really glad you got away.
Run man, run!!!! This is abuse. This is toxic. And quite frankly, scary.
The abuse will only get worse once you go back. If you go back to her, she’ll know she can treat you like shit and there won’t be any consequences. She’ll know she can do what she wants to you and you’ll eventually give in.
Yes,yes,yes,yes,yes,yes,yes,yes,yes.
Is there like, a handbook for abusive partners? Cause this is classic oscillation between anger and contrition. I’m just curious how they all learn to react the same way.
I wish I could laugh react to this because it's true, but funny. Or maybe it's funny bc it's true?
This is sad. I know of a man who is constantly being physically abused by his wife. It started like this. Now it doesn’t stop because he didn’t leave.
Ummm, this is **extremely** concerning, my dude. As if the physical abuse weren't enough, these texts seem...unhinged, to put it nicely. She spends more time in these texts threatening you than showing any real contrition or remorse. I'm really not trying to make fun, but they read straight up psycho. Honestly, I think you have a genuine, Grade-A abuser on your hands. And I don't say that lightly. Men getting abused by women is such a difficult situation. There's nothing right you can do. You hit her back and you're a monster, rightfully so. You don't fight back, and you become a victim...whom no one believes, and/or think is a pathetic excuse of a man for getting beat up by a woman. My BIL's ex beat the hell out of him, black eyes, broken lips, bloody nose, it was brutal. But as a Marine, of course he didn't dare lift a finger back at her. He took some selfies after this kept happening to at least have some kind of proof of what was going on. She went through his phone and found them, and lost her damn mind. Made him delete it all in front of her or she was gonna call the cops and claim that *he* was the one abusing her. And of course, as soon as he went out of town for training, she was immediately cheating on him. I was so relieved for him when they finally got divorced. Anyway, hopefully you're wife isn't anywhere near that bad. But these texts do not show the basic level of human decency that they should after physical assault. She needs professional help. And you need a lawyer. —— Edit, just stumbled across this: https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/s/ANWDP29OZ8
Spot on, this is abusive behavior. Abuse escalates over time as the abuser takes away the victim's options. That's why it's a bit lame to say, "I would just leave if someone did that to me." *Everyone* would leave a romantic partner who hit them if they felt it was an option. Victims who stay think they have nowhere to go. The texts give away the abuser's agenda, which is maintaining control in the relationship. The slap was meant to keep him in line and instead he took off. This is why victims are in the most danger at the moment they leave - because the abuser will quickly get more extreme to maintain control. In this case, it seems that *not promptly replying to a text* has led the abuser to start making wild threats And you're right, it's more difficult when women abuse men; women are much more often the victims of violence from romantic partners. But that doesn't mean OP isn't in peril. Maybe the children, too.
Keep those receipts for the lawyer
Make like a tramapoline and bounce.
Off topic but that is a greatest spelling of trampoline I’ve ever seen, I’m gonna start using that in conversation lmao
Hahahahahaha. It’s from the Simpsons. Homer was a god before his time. Hahahaha https://youtu.be/clKqZZynW9E?si=tn8lRh0UExRKMZkV
I would file for divorce. Being hit is an absolute deal breaker for me. That’s something that I don’t think anyone should be given a second chance. That’s not love.
“We’ll make it work if you like it or not.” Thinking emoji.
As a kid, I wanted divorced parents instead of parents whose only manner of talking to each other was irate screaming.
Please come back! I just took out this huge life insurance policy on you just to show how committed I am to making this work. - wife, probably
I'm a woman but my ex husband put his hands on me. We have 2 kids, we divorced 6yrs ago. I promise your kids will be much better off with 2 healthy homes than 1 toxic one. You're not doing them favors, don't use them as an excuse.
She sounds unhinged. Wow. Good luck to you.
“We will make it work if you like it or not “ 😦 If she’s trying to reconcile with you.. well, she’s doing it wrong.
Sounds like the type of parent who annihilates their children to “get back at the spouse”.. develop a paper trail and get a lawyer
That’s an insurmountable breach of trust.
Run and take your kids
Nothing says "look at what you made me do" and "you can't ever escape me or I'll find you" more than these texts. Terrifying.
I'm sorry but I've read too many stories of moms that kill their children to get back at their husband and this is giving me those vibes. She can contest the divorce all she wants but it'll eventually get done. Worry about yourself and those kids and go see a lawyer before you get fucked.
No …. No you weren’t…. Sounds like a fight my husband and I had in 2015 when I asked. I conceded and I’m still not very happy. Don’t be me. At least you have this in writing. This was verbalized to me so had no proof. He would drag me out of bed physically by my hair to argue. I gave in. Thankfully it’s not like that anymore but because I gave in. Well that and we cut out alcohol. You weren’t meant to be together and she’s not going to kill herself. That will be her next threat. Don’t buy it.
Lovely that she left a paper trail for your divorce lawyer
You have an opportunity. Seize it and get out of this situation. It will only get worse from here unless you want to wait till the kids are all grown up. A friend of mine was having trouble with his wife a few years after they got married. They had just moved back from overseas. I told him to just get divorced as it was clear they were incompatible and the issues they had went bone deep and couldn't be fixed without major effort she wasn't willing to do. At that point, neither of them had much money or kids to keep them together. He thought he could make it work and I kept my mouth shut after that. Now 15+ years later, he is miserable and in a much more difficult situation. They have three young kids and he is the major breadwinner. He is going to divorce her but its going to be much more difficult for everyone involved than it would have been when I had initially suggested it.
"We'll make it work if you like it or not." OK, baby. Call the police, report her assault, have her arrested and taken away. Get a restraining order. Use the texts as evidence. Serve her with divorce papers. This woman has literally admitted, in writing, threatening and assaulting you.
I want to divorce her after reading that. I’m So sorry. You don’t deserve this. She is not well
If a man did this to his wife or gf we know what everyone would say. Run do not walk away!
She’s going to beat her love into you! “Whether you like it or not”
… She can’t keep you from leaving her. If that were the case, people wouldn’t be able to leave abusive relationships. Do not fall for her threats. She can’t “make you stay”. All you need to do is fill out those papers and even have someone else such as a lawyer, serve them to her. Once the process has started, it’s started. Imagine if an abusive spouse had that “right” to “approve” the divorce.. leaving abusive relationships wouldn’t be possible if that were the case, which is a very horrifying thought. She can rip those papers but that won’t matter. She cannot “keep” you against your will. My stepmom did this to my dad, and her threats worked. She abused me in the past and my dad was trying to leave her at one point. He became a shell of a human and stopped trying basically, so I continued to be abused. I no longer talk to them anymore. OP, your kids will thank you. Trust me. They’ve been sensing a whole bunch of dysfunction for a while. Kids sense dysfunction, even if it’s been “hidden from them”. Kids just know. Would you want your children to be in the same type of relationship when they are older? Im sure not. You are their role model. They look up to you. Time for you and for them to sigh a big relief and accept the peace of mind and happiness that is to come when you leave her.
Print these out and give copies to your lawyer when, not if, you divorce this psycho gaslighter and abuser
yikes on bikes, get your kids in therapy asap-- they need a neutral person through your divorce process
This has nearly every red flag that exists. I'd honestly get a restraining order and press charges.
It baffles me how your wife just doesn’t realise how abusive she sounds.
The kids will end up just like her twisted ass if you stay. Keep the text about slapping for documentation so she only gets visitation. Hell no.
It appears, at first glance, that she has control issues and difficulty regulating her emotions.
Well done for keeping that screen Shot, now take that to a lawyer and start the process now, the sooner it's done and that evil is out of your life the better you'll be able to start making a positive on your own life again. Good luck OP
She seems really confused about what it means to apologize. The message is more threatening than anything. I hope she doesn’t put her hands on you again- it doesn’t really seem like she’s sorry. She’s possessive and just wants what *she wants*. Good luck!
Damn man! That is some narcissistic stuff if ever! If shes so sorry then why all the threats? Some violent emotions there, good luck.
She hit you once she'll do it again. She's no better than an abusive husband.
Hey man, as a woman I will tell you the same thing I’d tell a man - it will escalate, you’re seeing the cracks in her personality, her texts to you are backing all that up
That is WILD. Reverse this. Would that be ok for a man to do? No. This is not okay for her to do either.
I’d honestly like to see a screen shot with you pulling left so we can see the timestamps and see just how quickly she lost it.
Leave her permanently
Leave her ass.
Glad you left her. She sounds so controlling. That wasn't an apology when she added the 'alright' to it. That was her giving you what she thinks you want to hear
She sounds unhinged. It’s unfortunate about the typo in her first text. I’d want the court to see definitive proof she admitted to hitting you. Hopefully it holds up even with the typo.
I'll give the same advice to you that I'd give to a friend showing me these messages- leave. You've been physically abused now, I would assume emotionally abused on repeat, and abusers don't stop- they escalate. If you were saying you really want to stay I'd give you different advice about helping her learn to regulate- but since it seems like you recognize that abuse is unacceptable, I just want to back you up there. Too many people stay with abusers and they end up hurt worse, for a longer period of time, and struggle in future relationships because of it. Leave, keep every wild message she sends you as evidence, and go live your best life.
"We will make it work whether you like it or not" Jesus fucking christ bro. She made a huge mistake putting that in writing
Has anything like that happened before? You have leverage to get her some help. It seems likely a mental health episode is occurring, I don’t know enough if the background. Definitely need some distance and interventions
Lookout for the rabbit boiling in a pot….holy moly!
Scary toxic wife, yikes!
She sounds like a controlling abuser. If her remorse were real she would let you call the shots, even if you left for good, and she would get help. Show these texts to your lawyer to help you get custody of the kids since she is violence.
She seems fun...
Find a family law attorney and show them that text. Have them help you to get emergency custody of the kids and a restraining order against your wife.
If you go back it might be worse. I walked out on a 16 year marriage when things got to a state where there could have been physical abuse. Emotional, mental and financial abuse precedes physical abuse. There is no going back for the sake of the kids. They need you to be their lifeline.
Shit'a frightening, run hefore you are made a murder victim headline!
Take screen shots of all her messages. Give them to your lawyer.
Never tolerate abuse. It's only gets worst.
My husband’s ex physically abused him. It starts so slowly, but it never gets better. Please consider the advice you’re getting on this post. You and your children deserve so much better than this.
Rarely does it ever end at 1 slap. It’s going to escalate
Great that she's giving you ammunition for your divorce case
Can you say “Crazy”?
Just a few days? Yikes. I hope you’re doing everything - attorney, law enforcement, banks, safe place - to get your ducks in a row so you and your kids can get out.
Lawyer up NOW.
She isn’t a safe person anymore. She put her hands on you, is threatening to make divorce difficult, and using your kids to guilt trip you into staying. She can’t use the ‘think of the kids’ card because she hit you, their father, in their home, why didn’t she think of the kids before behaving in such a way? What kind of example is she setting for the kids? She’ll hit you again. Protect yourself and protect your kids. Document everything.
Not a safe partner
Hmmm... this language looks EXACTLY like the kind of language one of my exes would use... she's has so many mental health issues it's horrible. She goes through life not caring about who she destroys in her path, so long as she gets what she wants out of it. She is an absolutely broken human, and has been since her own family fell apart as a child. She's been a stripper, a cheater many times over, a pathological liar, homewrecker.... I could go on and on.... Some are beyond saving. Run FAR away and take your kid with you. Don't continue to be manipulated and allow your kid to remain in this environment. I'm sure there's so much more to this darker side that you don't even know....
Looks very similar to my husbands ex. Finally going to court to get his son back, hoping for good luck 🍀 I hope you find peace and happiness, dude. Some people can be very cruel and I’m sorry you and your kids went through this :(
I’m sorry. Don’t lose track of what’s best for you & your kids. <3 Just curious were there any signs of her abusive tendencies before this instance ?
Thankfully these texts should help you substantiate the abuse. Save everything and speak to a lawyer.
She slapped you, physical. Now these remarks and She is telling You how it's going to be. She definitely feels she needs to be in control. It's good You split up for a few days of reflection. She is correct in one thing, you should put forth 100% effort to see if you can solve this on behalf of your family and kids. I'm always thought, I worked hard to have my my kids have my my kids and family. Why do I want them to be from a broken family
She thinks kids want parents with this type of toxic relationship?
Sceeen shot it and if you divorce her use this against her
Omg I’m glad you got away. Please get custody of your kids because she seems unstable
Prepare for a boiled rabbit
This is crazy! Leave!
Kids & you are better off without this kinda toxic person in your life. This is domestic violence.
That’s nice. She put her physical abuse in writing.
I suggest documenting everything she has done. Record every meeting and phone call. If you meet with her, have a witness present. Seek legal assistance and restraining order asap.
Good for you! No Abuse of any kind is acceptable. You did what’s right. I grew up with verbally and physically abusive parents and I was so happy when they divorced. Peace in the house is what the kids need and want!
This is scary behaviour. “We were meant to be together” ? Girl… you should leave this woman, she doesn’t see her actions as wrong at all. She’ll do it again and worse and it doesn’t matter because you guys are ‘meant to be’.
This is absolutely disgusting. She put her hands on you, proceeds to gaslight, and threatens you. Nope. It's time to get a really good lawyer. I'm sorry this happened to you. Just like I'd tell a gf, once is one too many, and it only escalates from here.
In French, they call that décompensation !
Don’t call her as a divorced man of going on two years it doesn’t work a second time around. I was also a case consultant for a law firm. If that means squat to you then please read ahead. 1. Don’t cuss, insult, or yell at her be as polite as you can half of what can happen to you in court especially divorce can be effected by not only your legal team but theirs no one wants to see a guy who’s screaming at a woman win. 2.keep every text every threat it helps. 3. I am sorry about your kids but don’t fall into that trap all you two will do is argue and it will make their home life hell. 4. Seek therapy by near the end of my marriage I had called my brother had he not answered a shotgun was my next out. I am not saying that is you but divorce is stressful and can make even the smartest person weak and vulnerable. 5. I am here if you need a nonjudgmental ear to listen just message me anytime. 6. You’re not alone always remember that.
Nothing expresses more sincerity than the word “alright” in “I’m sorry alright” 😬
My dude ..that's abuse. You going to let a woman show your kids that abuse is ok to stay bc of kids. Manipulation. Show all this to your lawyer. Get kids and ask for supervised visitation therapy for her definitely. Please update. Keep all receipts. Video all. Show kids as well so she doesn't manipulate the situation. Abuse isn't something you feel ashamed to tell your kids about. I've been there. And it bite me on the arse. Bring it all to light.
I know she might be in a strange place right now but Fuck No !! These threats are sick.
Updateme!
Besides from the fact she seems insufferable, dude if you’re not happy this is your way out. She seems unwell. Would she give you the same consideration if the roles were reversed? (I’ve never hit a woman, never will)
She should write poetry. This is a woman who captures what love is supposed to be.
underrated comment
The crazy has left the building.
Run
Is this real life?
Please keep the messages for your divorce
Yep, she's crazy.
I’m so sorry this happened to you. These texts are super concerning! An apology should never be followed by a threat. If this is wildly uncharacteristic- she needs a psych and physical exam, if it is- you and your kids deserve way better.
She is psycho!
😬 none of her texts are painting her in a better light. This is all very intense in a bad way
It's usually over when this line is crossed because it'll happen again. Disrespectful. I did that to my former husband at the end of our marriage 7 years ago in the thick of my alcohol addiction and we both were so shocked....we knew right then and there that was it. I peacefully packed up. I did have a relationship where that happened amid addiction relapse but both got clean and that did not repeat, we both were willing to do the work and not throw it away or our recovery.
Run
Stay out of dark alleys
Sounds like great physical romance horrible emotional romance.
She crazy
Did you involve the police??
This bitch is crazy you should stay split up.
Yikes. Protective order, too.
Sounds like Oppenheimer was part of that. Holy hell she’s agro af. She would have made my mind up real quick. I thought my ex was batshit.
Sure, "I'm sorry I put my hands on you..." reads well enough on its own, but the rest of the barrage of messages put it into better context, like "I'm sorry I put my hands on you and you stood up for yourself." I think OP has some things to think about, and going back to her shouldn't be one of them.
I feel that physical abuse in a relationship is a deal breaker. If that is the same for you then you know why you need to do. The text message suggests that the slap is a progression of their behavior. If you don’t leave, you need to take some time apart and get therapy.
First text I was had hope. Quickly lost it all as I kept reading 😂 she needs therapy