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My parents were in and out. Taught me some valuable things but ultimately they taught me to research and network to learn for myself. I agree I don’t have much of my work they would understand but I am glad to be self sufficient.
Yes. It’s the bulk of my job. It’s actually shocking how many people choose not to do small simple things that would make a world of difference for them socially, professionally, and possibly many other ways. They rather call people like me at my job and say they can’t find the solution. Most of the time I can google simply and find several things for them. But hey it’s job security!
I'm the youngest of four to a boomer mother (widowed, then divorced). Six years between me and my next sibling, 12 years between me and my oldest sibling. Since I was 7 or so I spent a lot of time at home alone as mom worked and partied and “vacationed” or both, and my siblings were off being independent. We were always broke.
I learned a lot of survival from my siblings as a matter of, “Hey, I'm not going to be here and neither is mom, so you're going to need to learn this or starve, die, or both”
I raised myself. The TV, music, movies, and books were my escapes and guiding lights. Siblings were helpful when they could be, but they were basically in the same situations, and trying to find stability elsewhere. I tried to spend as much time at friends' houses as possible to not be alone so much, and eat a meal, sometimes days at a time before anyone noticed.
Mother loved us—she was just lost in her own world and selfishness in a lot of ways—Still is sometimes. I was told I needed to just figure it out a lot.
You're not alone in this.
After a year of therapy (and still going) I've realized I wasn't alone because I wasn't loved, I was alone because of the circumstances of our family.
I moved out when I was 16. I used to be desperate for acceptance and love to the point I would put myself in odd situations just so that I wasn't alone anymore—rushing into relationships, clinging to crushes, obsessing over exes, ignoring social cues to leave. Lots of self medicating. It was all unhealthy and self-perpetuated self-loathing.
I still struggle with acceptance and self-worth issues still but I'm getting much, much better thank you for asking.
My childhood was similar to yours in a lot of ways and I recognise those patterns of behaviour so well.
I'm well into my 30's now and I cringe a lot looking back on how I was treated by friends, partners etc and how I just stuck around. Good therapy, healthy friendships and relationships have brought me out on the other side. All the best to you!
i’m really not sure if my answer fits here.
but my mom had really strange attitude. don’t go anywhere, the world is dangerous, you can’t have a bike because you will be mugged for it, don’t do this, don’t do that. but then magically the clock strikes 18 and “what’s wrong with you?!” “why don’t you know how to find a job”. “why don’t you know your major”, “everyone just does it”.
I remember a funny (upsetting) moment where I literally assembled my courage/humility to ask mom if the place I was applying to was a scam (it was, actually). She just shrugged with a mysterious smile 😊. It was supposed to be this cute adult moment of me figuring it out. She thought she was parenting.
My guess it’s both anxiety from how she grew up (had to figure it out herself and had me at 18) and notion that apparently if it worked out for her it just works out for anyone worth surviving anyway. Or something. Because all my previous problems were idiotic and I should focus on something real (like the fact that “the world is out to get her”). It baffles me now that learning how to study, handle stress, and deal with people is idiotic, but marks and (miraculous)discipline are not. I’ve reached her age and have no empathy for her logic anymore. “she meant well”.
I swear I’m looking to make a generational illustration, not generational trauma dumping, lol.
YES. Boomer parents seem very comfortable in their ignorance of how the world works now, but still have high expectations for their millennial kids "Just go get a job, walk in with your resume....just approach that lady you like and don't take no for an answer...back in my day"...
My parents taught me literally nothing. They were refugees and couldn’t speak English. I had to teach myself English and how to read and write. My mother refused to teach me how to cook because she didn’t want me messing with her kitchen. Neither of them wanted to teach me how to drive. The only instruction I got was from the required drivers ed driving time with the instructor. I probably had to fabricate the additional hours needed to take the test. They didn’t know anything about the maneuverability portion of the test so I failed it twice before my friend’s dad stepped in and took the time to teach me. Never had any help with schoolwork. Just had to figure it out myself. No help with college applications. Never taught me anything about finances. I bought my first house at 31 only because I met a realtor that explained there was a first time homebuyer program that required very little down and my payment would be equal to my rent. I had no idea you could buy real estate with less than 20% down. My bf at the time helped me buy my first car. I’m honestly shocked that I turned into a productive member of society.
I had 'parentification,' written in my mental health records as a child. I had to see a therapist from 6 old to 18 years old. I think there was only maybe 1-2 times CPS would've intervened, but I lived in a rough neighborhood and doubted foster care would be much different so I lied/covered up how bad it was at home.
My parents had little concepts of danger and didn't understand how the world works. When I was about 4, I started having to do damage control or be in charge during emergency situations because my parents weren't able. If there was a fire or tornado warning my parents didn't know what to do and often did something completely stupid like get in their cars to try and drive away from the tornado/outrunning it, or if there was a gas leak in the house they'd sit in a chair and watch it for hours until I would come home from school because I would know what to do.
I was raised around my drug addicted uncles who had access to machine guns, and one time one pointed an AK47 at my head. Mom didn't freak out because I was in danger, she was worried that someone would call the police and she'd get "in trouble," so she took the loaded gun in her car and drove to my paternal relatives, where my Vietnam veteran uncle was able to unload it for us. My uncle chewed her out for being a dumbass and she just sat there grinning like she wasn't processing how dire the situation was - even when he explained that when you get shot by these things they don't just leave a hole, they take whole limbs off. When he realized he wasn't getting through to her, he started crying.
When I graduated high school, my parents sat me down, and completely seriously told me that it was time to write to celebrities so they could give me money and to go college. They didn't understand that everyone else was taking out loans. They thought everyone wrote to celebrities, and that's how they got the money. Begging for donations. My mother *sincerely* thought that Britney Spears would pay for my entire college career.
When I took out the loans, she said "take out as much money as you can, they won't let you take too much!"
Basically whenever they gave advice, I learned to do the polar opposite and that was usually the right answer.
That damn recession of around 06-09 had me growing up on my own. My folks were so in over their head in debt and bills I had to figure it all out. I’m not upset about it and I know they loved me but I do remember not having much parental guidance anymore after like 16. As an adult now during this recession I truly can see how it can be overwhelming to be super involved
I had a military family, thinking about it, I feel like that started with 9/11 for us and just never really stopped. It was like, one day we were suddenly making dinner for ourselves as young teens and parents were home a lot less often.
My dad died in '03, my mom was in grad school '05-07, and then was working like 12 hour days '08-'11 trying (and ultimately failing) to keep a roof over our heads.
So from ages 11-18, I was basically left to fend for myself. And my family wonder why I don't call to "catch up" or ask for help with anything...
My mom had no interest in me, so I had to learn everything myself, usually the hard way. It's why I research the shit out of everything now. To be fair, she didn't know a lot herself, but I got no direction on anything ever. She made fun of me a few years ago for taking my car to get an oil change when I should just do it myself...except that she never bothered to teach me, so how would I know how to do it?? I can't at all relate to people who ask their parents for help on things; tbh my mom barely knows anything about my life simply because she doesn't ask and I don't offer.
Oh hi my mom was also checked out. She was half disinterested with me, half bitter the abortion didn’t work. She criticized everything I did, whether it was better than she could do. And it usually was.
I’m sorry you had/have a shitty mom. The incompetence bone is so unbecoming in a parent.
Grew up with my dad working as a police officer during the night shift. He mowed yards during the day as a side gig.
My first 'job' making money was to help him mow yards. I was probably 8-9 years old. So my grandma raised us. She was cut from stone.
I owe them everything.
More than o realized when I was a kid. My parents weren't bad but they weren't really present either. When I think about major life issues and who I'd talk to whenever something was really difficult it was never then.
I had trauma related speech problems when I was young. I said my mother stopped being a mother after the speech therapy was done, at age 5. So from 5 to 16 I was on my own. Clothes dishes cleaning all of it. At 16, they said I was too much to handle and kicked me out and never checked or anything. Now I'm almost 40 with a wife and kids, and can't imagine just stopping being a parent. Also now that they are disabled and can't take care of anything. We're supposed to stop everything and take care of them. But not really taking care of them, they don't want to do what it takes, like move to a more disabled friendly home. They want us to enable them to live the way they have for 30 years. Eating drinking and now giving a fuck about anybody but themselves. Also, they are and have been full blown alcoholics since I was born. So now my stepfather has kidney failure, and won't stop drinking and taking vicodin. And my mother has alcohol induced dementia and won't stop drinking and taking vicodin. Also my mom has been on 5mgs of Xanax since her and my dad split when I was 2. She won't even start to think about stopping the Xanax. Fuck'em. They also play that perfect grandparent crap in public and Facebook. When they haven't seen their grandchildren or acknowledged any event in my 10 and 12 year olds lives. My oldest turns 13 on Monday. It would be so nice to go swimming and have a party but it would turn into a shit show of my mom being drunk and ruining it. Again fuck'em.
Edit: My mom actually called and wanted us to skip my daughts clarinet school concert to come get them vodka.
This is literally under 10% of what my wife and I have dealt with and are dealing with. I would be writing for months on here to explain it all.
Like one more short story. I finally got clean after getting locked up for the drug addiction my mother got me into. And my real father shot himself 2 weeks after I got out and was trying to get my life together. He met my wife and 1 year old daughter one time.
My parents died - my dad when I was 19, mom when I was 24. I would have given anything to have had them in my life over the last two decades for advice, guidance, and support. I wouldn’t say I had to “self parent” because I was an adult when they died, but it sucked terribly not having them around. It also makes a huge difference in the life choices you feel safe making when you don’t have the luxury of failure because you don’t have a safety net to fall back on.
I was very lucky to have my sisters and my uncle. We supported each other as best we could.
This is essentially me as a parent. Though dog care and horsemanship and cooking etc I’ve taught all mine. I’m an older millennial. I was an adult before the internet became common at home among less affluent communities. I can’t work my smart telly without having a child help me with anything beyond the usual.
I can’t keep up. My eldest is mid teen but my youngest is a toddler so god knows what I’ll be like in thirteen years time. It just doesn’t make sense. You say you selt taught but you must have had some sort of natural understanding to begin with because I can’t square any of it in my head. I can do most of what people on other subs ask “how much to get someone to do xyz” but I can’t even access my online payslip at work currently
When it comes to learning the tech stuff I’d say my ability to grasp came from a number of things. My dad was a mechanic, so while he doesn’t “get” anything digital, I did watch him troubleshooting mechanical stuff. Like, when he taught me about the car.
The other thing was being left alone so much with my primary toy, legos. Which sorta teaches you how to build things, and break things, from their component parts. Along with having to figure out wtf the instruction books are asking.
The last part is something that GenZ is missing out on. Growing up with computers while the standards were being developed ment spending a lot of time troubleshooting what a computer “thought.” Eventually the time spent on legos went into trying to unbreak the computer so that the homework would print.
The first two I had as well. Not videos because those weren’t a thing but being taught to do it. Lego was fine and I’m fine with helping my kids with it now. That last part though. Growing up with computers. For most millennials where I am that was something only really available to the more affluent. Nobody working class had computers at home. Nobody could afford it.
Yeah. Obviously have no concept of money at that age, but we definitely had video games and the like. So somewhere around middle class. But we also moved *a lot* with the military, so it didn’t really feel like what I imagined a middle class upbringing would be like.
They taught me some practical skills but nothing about finances, emotions, relationships, etc. Sure I can sew and change a flat but I learned everything else on my own with the help of friends and my therapist lol.
My parents were very smart and they did their best, but I think the best thing they taught me was to point me to our (extensive) library when they *didn't* know something.
Mom spoke two foreign languages, but didn't know English which was introduced in our schools just as I was starting out. But she did know how to use a dictionary and the general process of learning, and she taught me how to do figure it out by myself. It's been 30 years, and I still remember how she walked me through it.
If my dad was still here, he would definitely know more than me about the latest technology 😅 He had the mind for it, and endless curiosity. And he enjoyed sharing everything he had and everything he knew.
The world changed a lot during our lifetime, and it's not the one my parents thought they were preparing me for. I *did* have to learn a lot by myself, because I lived a life they never knew. But the best parts of me came straight from them.
I was an only child to two broke, working parents. They were busy trying to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, so most of my early education on even just being a person was self taught.
Yeah. I was raised by a single parent and there were times where she didn't know or didn't have the time to teach me. I also believe because of how I grew up on the verge of technology changing that we both didn't know at all. I taught her stuff that I learned on my own.
I remember a family friend teaching me to hold a spoon properly when I was about 4. My parents taught me no life skills, a lot of denial, anxiety, and paranoia.
My mom raised 4 of us herself so early on I took over the cooking and my oldest brother took over raising us because mom was working 3 jobs.
Us kids took care of the house and yard. I packed my mom’s lunch for her every day. By the time I was about 15 she kind of checked out on the parenting and I did what I wanted as long as she knew where I was. It’s like she didn’t feel the need to worry about me. I got into sooooo many shenanigans but I never got in trouble with the law so she never knew.
My dad taught me how to cook, and that's pretty much the extent of what my parents taught me.
Now I know how to build a greenhouse from scratch, lay tile, install a roof, drywall, electrical fixtures, build a deck, install moulding, use caulk, make cheese, knit, crochet, bake, can, sew, grow vegetables, prune trees, you name it.
We bought a house and I did 90% of the fixing up myself. My ex husband helped with some but since I get summers off I did a lot by myself. We split up and now I do 100% of it myself.
Your dad taught you to drive and you are worried about what you had to self-teach... Dude, I know you don't mean it like this but Goddamnit! Self-taught! I barely got fucking fed!
Around 8 I would have to watch myself after school. Few years later I’d watch my brother and sister for a little bit until my mom came home. My parents worked opposite shifts, they did what they had to do.
I’d say it affected me in a positive way. I’m far more independent than my brother and sister, and it gave me the skill set to help me raise my own kids at a young age.
I guess we should define parenting first. In a way, I think my parent’s hands off approach was to my benefit. Sounds like you’re a more resilient and resourceful person because of your parent’s inaction.
Imagine the reverse of the coin. What if they taught you all sorts of stuff, then later in life, you had no understanding of how to figure things out on your own? I know many in that position anyway.
Snowplow and helicopter parenting is definitely a flip side of the coin, and I think it’s a reaction to boomer parenting. From too hands off to too hands on.
It’s definitely lead to more self confidence on my part, but also more social isolation. It’s a different set of problems to struggle with.
My parents aren’t bad or abusive -
they just had babies when they were barely adults (age 19) in the late 80s and had no idea about most things - outside of technology including PCs and internet which is where I lucked out (my dad worked in telecommunications and loved new tech so he was an early PC and internet adopter in the 80s/90s. We always had a PC with dial up on a dedicated line at our house - dad paid $5k to have had first one custom built since they weren’t really sold for household use at the time, we were just starting to get them at schools and offices). Anyway that PC taught me pretty much everything I know. My parents started sounding silly to me at about age 10 with their weird superstitions and deeply conservative opinions (didn’t mention we were in deep east rural Texas).
They taught me how to teach myself things. They are both DIY type people and would sit down and read up on whatever they needed to do usually so I learned that from them. It wasn't that they weren't around but I'm an only child and independent as hell and still am kind of. Last year I learned how to fix the rust on my car with bondo. I'm still proud of the fact that it's still there and looks halfway decent. I found the exact match spray paint too and made it look nice. I respect mechanics way more now because I did this in November and the ground is a lot colder than I realized.
My husband’s parents were completely absent for him once he start school at 5. They’d had a child before him that they were helicopter parents towards, and then my husband came along and they both got harder jobs and basically just ignored him. He had to learn how to do everything himself. They don’t care about either of their kids as people, just as reflections on themselves as parents. They take credit for everything food either kid does, and are harsh critics about anything they dislike.
My parents taught me nothing. My dad was away most of the time for work, and my mom was suffering bedridden clinical depression (unrelated to my dad being away for work). So basically I was just left to my own devices mostly. Which seemed cool as a kid, but sucked as an adult when I realized my life was a blur where I basically only knew what I had taught myself.
Refugee parents with no formal education and didn't speak or understand the language or culture here in America.
I was reading and translating all their mail for them at age 8, writing all their checks at 10, and deciding health insurance policy for my family at age 12.
Child of uneducated and illiterate refugee/immigrant experience sucks. There's a lot of circular parenting where your parents take care and look out for you, but you also take care and look out for them because they can't navigate this culture and language. Like I can decide how much you should contribute to your 401K and tell you who you should vote for in the presidential elections but I'm not allowed to go to freshman Homecoming or see my friends on a Friday night?
Created a lot of resentment and respect issues that have lasted to this day.
I had to self parent in some ways. My mom was an alcoholic and overbearing. She often over shared & confided in me. My father was abusive and a work alcoholic.
My parents never taught me anything I could use in the honest world and when I tried to learn I was basically bollocked for trying to be better. Everything I have learnt about life is self taught and I'm still trying at nearly 40. Thankfully I am happily breaking that cycle.
I learned to cook from watching PBS. I learned about my body and puberty from a textbook. I've done tons of reading, podcasts, and TV to learn how to be an adult.
My parents didn't have time or didn't want to teach me much of anything past 8 years old.
My mom was a teacher and when she got home she didn't wanted to deal with more kids, I don't have any memories of her helping with homework or to study with me or give advice.
I do remember that when I asked her for help it usually backfired, she would ignore me, literary talking over me, or tell me to figure it out myself or overreact and do a bad situation worst, by 4th grade I already new to just figure it out myself and not ask.
Often, yes. My mother...got tired towards the end, and I, looking back, was way too much in the driver's seat (often parentified/mild-to-moderate emotional incest dynamic). I handled on my own my college application and visa (I went to the UK for my undergrad). After she died when I was 21, I was adrift in a world I was unprepared for.
My extended family culture is stuck in an imaginary version of the 1950s. My parents were government employees (public school teacher and NYC cop). I handled grad school and employment on my own. Mom was hands off as a teenager, so I learned to drive at 25...in New Zealand. I could have so easily been a basement dwelling NEET. While I was obligated to be a straight A private school student, there wasn't much...drive. Losing weight and...learning to socialize with peers was something I handled on my own at 18 when I realized I wanted to have a social/personal life in college.
Much like a poster below, the world, to mom, was a scary place out to get us. That's not a healthy attitude to grow up with.
My parents taught me nothing except how to not go into debt and how to write a check. I learned a lot from observing people, including my parents and my own research once the internet became a thing. As well as what my formal education taught me. I’ve never thought of it before. Kind of a dismal thing to realize lol.
I am ADHD, I have been diagnosed since 6 years old. Whenever I asked my parents for help, they always said, "Figure it out yourself." My parents are now wondering why I am struggling so much as an adult.
My parents were great resources for a long time - but now the internet is better. They tried their best and were very helpful and supportive, but also lacked a lot of information and were taught incorrect things. In the day of YouTube/Reddit/etc, there are just better places for me to learn things.
My moms family regularly shamed me for not being in a college program for exactly what I wanted to do for a job. They are all teachers and engineers and thought I should be a lawyer. They let me know regularly that I wouldn’t be able to feed myself or get a job.
Jokes on them as what I do for a job literally didn’t exist as a major when I went to school. So I had to parent myself around learning to be proud of my work and knowing what I do matters even when being told the opposite by family.
I’d say that for home improvement tasks, there could be a many ways to approach it. What you lack is which approach is the most efficient and that’s where experience comes into play. I find myself questioning intelligence vs wisdom. So before I do a home improvement project I’d usually research the hell out of it and then ask my dad how he’d approach it. Then choose an appropriate path forward.
Lucky OP, I learned how to drive by paying for driving classes, which is mandatory in my country. But it's basically the norm for parents to teach you the basics. So I took extra hours and went through a couple of driving teachers until I got one that wasn't sexist POS. Got my driving license in my late 30s - when I finally had enough time and disposable income to do so. Living in Europe, not super dependent on having a car to function like an adult.
Self-parented myself and parentified to help take care of my younger sibling. Low contact with parents since 19. Hey, it's life.
Only child, but also had a single mother who worked, so yes, but from what I am told, I wanted more independency all the time. I asked if I could drop after school when I was 8. So got a key and was mostly self directed after school till my mom came home.
My mom taught me not to get pregnant, be safe, know your location, numbers, navigate, walk.
But she was otherwise abusive, controlling, emotionally unstable. I learned how to not be like her in the best ways I could try to.
And my dad taught me how to drink beer, invite lots of people over for curry and yell inappropriate words in Hindi. I learned from him how addiction can kill you, and that I need a healthy reliance on my vices.
I was the fifth child with about ten years between me and my next sibling. My parents were older and burnt out and basically left me alone to do whatever as long as I didn’t get in trouble and kept my grades up. The things I could have done! But I was a good kid and just responsibly rode the subway like I was supposed to, maybe bought way too much candy for myself a couple of times. I have a kid now and can’t imagine being that hands off with my kiddo.
My mom had to make up for my Dad who was completely hands off parenting. She did her best and I now have a family and a Masters degree. I did everything right. But now I feel like I can't even get any type of comfort or empathy when I'm going through something. She's still in that "suck it up and move on" phase that I guess was her way of pushing me to be independent. Well.....I don't know how much more independent I can possibly be.....I need to be able to vent and I can't around her. Just sucks.
Same. My parents never divorced and provided financially by giving us a roof and food. But there was no emotional stability, no good example of kindness or compassion. After college there was no advice or offers of knowledge of being there before. Me and my siblings just figured it out as we went.
They were always too busy working and saving for retirement. They made it to all of our sports games and paid for college but that was it. I was never able to come the them for advice. If I was bullied at school I kept it to myself. If I had any trouble whatsoever I figured it out myself. And now I know that it didn’t have to be that way. It was their job to let me know I could come to them and they failed at that.
It took me 25 years to learn what emotional regulation is. My husband, bless his goddamn heart, taught me most of the emotional regulation I have today.
I’m so looking forward to teaching my kids everything I know when they need it. I’m at least grateful to not repeat my experience.
People in this sub really glorify helicopter parenting. I had to figure a lot out for myself but I am grateful for that. It’s ok, even a good thing, to learn to coach yourself and problem solve without needing constant direction and validation.
That’s true but I don’t think these are the lessons OP is talking about. As for the finance, cooking, dog care lessons etc that OP does mention my parents did not teach me any of that. But they they gave me a lot of independence and space to learn for myself, and now I confidently do all of these things. I like the feeling of self reliance and knowing I can handle what life throws at me without outside validation.
OP seems like they have learned and accomplished a lot. I truly don’t get why they are salty with their parents about this.
I thought my parents taught me a lot more than they actually did until I met my partner. When he needs help, he calls his dad. When I need help, I google. I don’t even consider asking my parents, I just default to self sufficiency.
I learned everything through uni, work or google. How to jumpstart a car? Googled it. How to drain and clean a washing machine? Googled it. How to get a credit card? Googled it. What’s a mortgage? Googled it. How pensions work? Found a financial advisor. How to write a cover letter? Got help from school.
This is basically what sparked the question for me. Seeing people with healthy positive relationships with their parents and how different it is from neutral or negative relationships.
Like, their parents are *there.* To help them, encourage them, celebrate them, etc. It’s so night and day.
That's me. My parents weren't particularly abusive or absent but just neglectful and ignorant in ways I didn't really understand until I started getting ready for college. Had to do everything by myself since then though my dad was nice enough to let me live with him (for a fee) while I was in college. As disappointing as it was to not get any real meaningful guidance, I'm actually glad I had to "self-parent" because it gave me goals and initiative that was not instilled in me growing up. I would not be nearly as far in life as I am now if I waited for my parents to hold my hand or meet my needs.
I’d say 50/50. Not so much early in childhood because my mom stayed home. From about 12 on, we were straight up latchkey kids because both parents worked. I love my parents and recognize that they raised us to the best of their abilities but now that I’m a dad, it’s a little weird to think about letting my 11 yo daughter just run around unsupervised for hours and hours per day.
My parents didn’t live in reality. Never had a mortgage or car payment. My old man taught school in a rural school 2 minutes from the house. It was a small town so if he needed any work done or on the house he had a guy he taught in school do it. You couldn’t ask him for help because he didn’t know anything beyond this.
From age 11 I literally raised myself. Both parents ended up working (one out of state most times) and I had to figure it out. Barely saw them. Typical day was: wake up, make my breakfast and lunch, ride my bike to school, ride home from school, do homework for hours, parents came home around 5-6, go down for dinner (they usually made dinner but sometimes I'd have to call for a pizza or something cause they were too tired to cook) and see everyone for 30 minutes, right back to homework or gaming till 9. Repeat. Summers were just me going to hang with friends or finding something to occupy myself alone at home. I learned how to cook, clean, do my own laundry, and manage my time. Learning to drive at 16 was like pulling teeth to get practice in. Had to maintain the yard on the weekends cause my parents said they were too tired from work to do it. Now, 20 years later, they want to be best friends and wonder why I don't have a strong familial connection with them.
Yeah, there have been very, very few instances I ever asked my parents for advice and most the advice given was unsolicited and either didn't apply or was flat-out wrong. They did a decent job leading by example on certain things like how to treat your spouse and make them feel loved, how to conduct yourself when someone is grieving, hurt by something you said/did, or just having a rough one. But for the most part they weren't people I could depend on for emotional support or to teach me how to do things. I lucked into some very sympathetic roommates in my early 20s who taught me a lot of practical skills and I ended up barely talking to my parents for a couple years. I find I value biological family connections a lot less than my parents did. My mom's family was always around but not kind, loving, or available, and my dad's family was either dead or absent. Neither of my siblings make friends easily and they're fairly miserable people (both in and of themselves and just to be around most of the time) and have poor judge of character, so the few friends they each have are kind of awful, and their partners have been pretty terrible.
I've just established my own "family" made of friends old and new that I can rely on (and who rely on me) and life's pretty good. We have our own "holidays" and traditions, they adore my wife, they're great people I feel safe with, we all go to each other's weddings or get involved in the wedding party, we have "family dinners" and being around them all at once makes me spectacularly happy.
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My parents were in and out. Taught me some valuable things but ultimately they taught me to research and network to learn for myself. I agree I don’t have much of my work they would understand but I am glad to be self sufficient.
Research and network. Two of most valuable skills to have right now, or any time really.
Yes. It’s the bulk of my job. It’s actually shocking how many people choose not to do small simple things that would make a world of difference for them socially, professionally, and possibly many other ways. They rather call people like me at my job and say they can’t find the solution. Most of the time I can google simply and find several things for them. But hey it’s job security!
I'm the youngest of four to a boomer mother (widowed, then divorced). Six years between me and my next sibling, 12 years between me and my oldest sibling. Since I was 7 or so I spent a lot of time at home alone as mom worked and partied and “vacationed” or both, and my siblings were off being independent. We were always broke. I learned a lot of survival from my siblings as a matter of, “Hey, I'm not going to be here and neither is mom, so you're going to need to learn this or starve, die, or both” I raised myself. The TV, music, movies, and books were my escapes and guiding lights. Siblings were helpful when they could be, but they were basically in the same situations, and trying to find stability elsewhere. I tried to spend as much time at friends' houses as possible to not be alone so much, and eat a meal, sometimes days at a time before anyone noticed. Mother loved us—she was just lost in her own world and selfishness in a lot of ways—Still is sometimes. I was told I needed to just figure it out a lot. You're not alone in this.
Thanks for sharing. How are you today of you don't , ind me asking?
After a year of therapy (and still going) I've realized I wasn't alone because I wasn't loved, I was alone because of the circumstances of our family. I moved out when I was 16. I used to be desperate for acceptance and love to the point I would put myself in odd situations just so that I wasn't alone anymore—rushing into relationships, clinging to crushes, obsessing over exes, ignoring social cues to leave. Lots of self medicating. It was all unhealthy and self-perpetuated self-loathing. I still struggle with acceptance and self-worth issues still but I'm getting much, much better thank you for asking.
My childhood was similar to yours in a lot of ways and I recognise those patterns of behaviour so well. I'm well into my 30's now and I cringe a lot looking back on how I was treated by friends, partners etc and how I just stuck around. Good therapy, healthy friendships and relationships have brought me out on the other side. All the best to you!
Thank you! And to you!! I'm in my late 30s too. I found my healthy groove late. But I'm finally home in my head.
i’m really not sure if my answer fits here. but my mom had really strange attitude. don’t go anywhere, the world is dangerous, you can’t have a bike because you will be mugged for it, don’t do this, don’t do that. but then magically the clock strikes 18 and “what’s wrong with you?!” “why don’t you know how to find a job”. “why don’t you know your major”, “everyone just does it”. I remember a funny (upsetting) moment where I literally assembled my courage/humility to ask mom if the place I was applying to was a scam (it was, actually). She just shrugged with a mysterious smile 😊. It was supposed to be this cute adult moment of me figuring it out. She thought she was parenting. My guess it’s both anxiety from how she grew up (had to figure it out herself and had me at 18) and notion that apparently if it worked out for her it just works out for anyone worth surviving anyway. Or something. Because all my previous problems were idiotic and I should focus on something real (like the fact that “the world is out to get her”). It baffles me now that learning how to study, handle stress, and deal with people is idiotic, but marks and (miraculous)discipline are not. I’ve reached her age and have no empathy for her logic anymore. “she meant well”. I swear I’m looking to make a generational illustration, not generational trauma dumping, lol.
The best lessons my parents taught me were unintentional.
Haha, me too.
Same. Don't smoke. Don't drink. Don't live beyond means. Don't have kids when you're broke.
My mom was never home because she worked so many hours, and my dad had that 'I don't get involved with my kid' approach
YES. Boomer parents seem very comfortable in their ignorance of how the world works now, but still have high expectations for their millennial kids "Just go get a job, walk in with your resume....just approach that lady you like and don't take no for an answer...back in my day"...
My parents taught me literally nothing. They were refugees and couldn’t speak English. I had to teach myself English and how to read and write. My mother refused to teach me how to cook because she didn’t want me messing with her kitchen. Neither of them wanted to teach me how to drive. The only instruction I got was from the required drivers ed driving time with the instructor. I probably had to fabricate the additional hours needed to take the test. They didn’t know anything about the maneuverability portion of the test so I failed it twice before my friend’s dad stepped in and took the time to teach me. Never had any help with schoolwork. Just had to figure it out myself. No help with college applications. Never taught me anything about finances. I bought my first house at 31 only because I met a realtor that explained there was a first time homebuyer program that required very little down and my payment would be equal to my rent. I had no idea you could buy real estate with less than 20% down. My bf at the time helped me buy my first car. I’m honestly shocked that I turned into a productive member of society.
I basically had to reparent myself from 18-36… there was so much i did not learn and am still learning …
I had 'parentification,' written in my mental health records as a child. I had to see a therapist from 6 old to 18 years old. I think there was only maybe 1-2 times CPS would've intervened, but I lived in a rough neighborhood and doubted foster care would be much different so I lied/covered up how bad it was at home. My parents had little concepts of danger and didn't understand how the world works. When I was about 4, I started having to do damage control or be in charge during emergency situations because my parents weren't able. If there was a fire or tornado warning my parents didn't know what to do and often did something completely stupid like get in their cars to try and drive away from the tornado/outrunning it, or if there was a gas leak in the house they'd sit in a chair and watch it for hours until I would come home from school because I would know what to do. I was raised around my drug addicted uncles who had access to machine guns, and one time one pointed an AK47 at my head. Mom didn't freak out because I was in danger, she was worried that someone would call the police and she'd get "in trouble," so she took the loaded gun in her car and drove to my paternal relatives, where my Vietnam veteran uncle was able to unload it for us. My uncle chewed her out for being a dumbass and she just sat there grinning like she wasn't processing how dire the situation was - even when he explained that when you get shot by these things they don't just leave a hole, they take whole limbs off. When he realized he wasn't getting through to her, he started crying. When I graduated high school, my parents sat me down, and completely seriously told me that it was time to write to celebrities so they could give me money and to go college. They didn't understand that everyone else was taking out loans. They thought everyone wrote to celebrities, and that's how they got the money. Begging for donations. My mother *sincerely* thought that Britney Spears would pay for my entire college career. When I took out the loans, she said "take out as much money as you can, they won't let you take too much!" Basically whenever they gave advice, I learned to do the polar opposite and that was usually the right answer.
Your parents sound severely mentally ill. I’m so sorry.
That damn recession of around 06-09 had me growing up on my own. My folks were so in over their head in debt and bills I had to figure it all out. I’m not upset about it and I know they loved me but I do remember not having much parental guidance anymore after like 16. As an adult now during this recession I truly can see how it can be overwhelming to be super involved
I had a military family, thinking about it, I feel like that started with 9/11 for us and just never really stopped. It was like, one day we were suddenly making dinner for ourselves as young teens and parents were home a lot less often.
My dad died in '03, my mom was in grad school '05-07, and then was working like 12 hour days '08-'11 trying (and ultimately failing) to keep a roof over our heads. So from ages 11-18, I was basically left to fend for myself. And my family wonder why I don't call to "catch up" or ask for help with anything...
My mom had no interest in me, so I had to learn everything myself, usually the hard way. It's why I research the shit out of everything now. To be fair, she didn't know a lot herself, but I got no direction on anything ever. She made fun of me a few years ago for taking my car to get an oil change when I should just do it myself...except that she never bothered to teach me, so how would I know how to do it?? I can't at all relate to people who ask their parents for help on things; tbh my mom barely knows anything about my life simply because she doesn't ask and I don't offer.
Oh hi my mom was also checked out. She was half disinterested with me, half bitter the abortion didn’t work. She criticized everything I did, whether it was better than she could do. And it usually was. I’m sorry you had/have a shitty mom. The incompetence bone is so unbecoming in a parent.
Grew up with my dad working as a police officer during the night shift. He mowed yards during the day as a side gig. My first 'job' making money was to help him mow yards. I was probably 8-9 years old. So my grandma raised us. She was cut from stone. I owe them everything.
More than o realized when I was a kid. My parents weren't bad but they weren't really present either. When I think about major life issues and who I'd talk to whenever something was really difficult it was never then.
I had trauma related speech problems when I was young. I said my mother stopped being a mother after the speech therapy was done, at age 5. So from 5 to 16 I was on my own. Clothes dishes cleaning all of it. At 16, they said I was too much to handle and kicked me out and never checked or anything. Now I'm almost 40 with a wife and kids, and can't imagine just stopping being a parent. Also now that they are disabled and can't take care of anything. We're supposed to stop everything and take care of them. But not really taking care of them, they don't want to do what it takes, like move to a more disabled friendly home. They want us to enable them to live the way they have for 30 years. Eating drinking and now giving a fuck about anybody but themselves. Also, they are and have been full blown alcoholics since I was born. So now my stepfather has kidney failure, and won't stop drinking and taking vicodin. And my mother has alcohol induced dementia and won't stop drinking and taking vicodin. Also my mom has been on 5mgs of Xanax since her and my dad split when I was 2. She won't even start to think about stopping the Xanax. Fuck'em. They also play that perfect grandparent crap in public and Facebook. When they haven't seen their grandchildren or acknowledged any event in my 10 and 12 year olds lives. My oldest turns 13 on Monday. It would be so nice to go swimming and have a party but it would turn into a shit show of my mom being drunk and ruining it. Again fuck'em. Edit: My mom actually called and wanted us to skip my daughts clarinet school concert to come get them vodka.
Your comments keeps getting worse and worse as it goes on. Jesus fuck. I am so sorry.
This is literally under 10% of what my wife and I have dealt with and are dealing with. I would be writing for months on here to explain it all. Like one more short story. I finally got clean after getting locked up for the drug addiction my mother got me into. And my real father shot himself 2 weeks after I got out and was trying to get my life together. He met my wife and 1 year old daughter one time.
Holy fuck pictures
My parents died - my dad when I was 19, mom when I was 24. I would have given anything to have had them in my life over the last two decades for advice, guidance, and support. I wouldn’t say I had to “self parent” because I was an adult when they died, but it sucked terribly not having them around. It also makes a huge difference in the life choices you feel safe making when you don’t have the luxury of failure because you don’t have a safety net to fall back on. I was very lucky to have my sisters and my uncle. We supported each other as best we could.
I’m a boomer and my older brother and I raised ourselves. Bad parents are present in every generation.
My parents both struggled with alcoholism while I was growing up, so I ended up self taught almost everywhere.
This is essentially me as a parent. Though dog care and horsemanship and cooking etc I’ve taught all mine. I’m an older millennial. I was an adult before the internet became common at home among less affluent communities. I can’t work my smart telly without having a child help me with anything beyond the usual. I can’t keep up. My eldest is mid teen but my youngest is a toddler so god knows what I’ll be like in thirteen years time. It just doesn’t make sense. You say you selt taught but you must have had some sort of natural understanding to begin with because I can’t square any of it in my head. I can do most of what people on other subs ask “how much to get someone to do xyz” but I can’t even access my online payslip at work currently
When it comes to learning the tech stuff I’d say my ability to grasp came from a number of things. My dad was a mechanic, so while he doesn’t “get” anything digital, I did watch him troubleshooting mechanical stuff. Like, when he taught me about the car. The other thing was being left alone so much with my primary toy, legos. Which sorta teaches you how to build things, and break things, from their component parts. Along with having to figure out wtf the instruction books are asking. The last part is something that GenZ is missing out on. Growing up with computers while the standards were being developed ment spending a lot of time troubleshooting what a computer “thought.” Eventually the time spent on legos went into trying to unbreak the computer so that the homework would print.
The first two I had as well. Not videos because those weren’t a thing but being taught to do it. Lego was fine and I’m fine with helping my kids with it now. That last part though. Growing up with computers. For most millennials where I am that was something only really available to the more affluent. Nobody working class had computers at home. Nobody could afford it.
Yeah. Obviously have no concept of money at that age, but we definitely had video games and the like. So somewhere around middle class. But we also moved *a lot* with the military, so it didn’t really feel like what I imagined a middle class upbringing would be like.
They taught me some practical skills but nothing about finances, emotions, relationships, etc. Sure I can sew and change a flat but I learned everything else on my own with the help of friends and my therapist lol.
My parents were very smart and they did their best, but I think the best thing they taught me was to point me to our (extensive) library when they *didn't* know something. Mom spoke two foreign languages, but didn't know English which was introduced in our schools just as I was starting out. But she did know how to use a dictionary and the general process of learning, and she taught me how to do figure it out by myself. It's been 30 years, and I still remember how she walked me through it. If my dad was still here, he would definitely know more than me about the latest technology 😅 He had the mind for it, and endless curiosity. And he enjoyed sharing everything he had and everything he knew. The world changed a lot during our lifetime, and it's not the one my parents thought they were preparing me for. I *did* have to learn a lot by myself, because I lived a life they never knew. But the best parts of me came straight from them.
I was an only child to two broke, working parents. They were busy trying to keep a roof over our heads and food in our bellies, so most of my early education on even just being a person was self taught.
My dad tried to I just had terrible adhd and was nuts as a kid. So now I just learn shit on my own time.
Yeah. I was raised by a single parent and there were times where she didn't know or didn't have the time to teach me. I also believe because of how I grew up on the verge of technology changing that we both didn't know at all. I taught her stuff that I learned on my own.
I remember a family friend teaching me to hold a spoon properly when I was about 4. My parents taught me no life skills, a lot of denial, anxiety, and paranoia.
My mom raised 4 of us herself so early on I took over the cooking and my oldest brother took over raising us because mom was working 3 jobs. Us kids took care of the house and yard. I packed my mom’s lunch for her every day. By the time I was about 15 she kind of checked out on the parenting and I did what I wanted as long as she knew where I was. It’s like she didn’t feel the need to worry about me. I got into sooooo many shenanigans but I never got in trouble with the law so she never knew.
My dad taught me how to read, swim and do math, that was about it, lol
My dad taught me how to cook, and that's pretty much the extent of what my parents taught me. Now I know how to build a greenhouse from scratch, lay tile, install a roof, drywall, electrical fixtures, build a deck, install moulding, use caulk, make cheese, knit, crochet, bake, can, sew, grow vegetables, prune trees, you name it. We bought a house and I did 90% of the fixing up myself. My ex husband helped with some but since I get summers off I did a lot by myself. We split up and now I do 100% of it myself.
I took it one step further and became the parent in the relationship with my mom when I was still in my teens. 😩
Your dad taught you to drive and you are worried about what you had to self-teach... Dude, I know you don't mean it like this but Goddamnit! Self-taught! I barely got fucking fed!
Forget self parenting... I also had to parent my parents...
Around 8 I would have to watch myself after school. Few years later I’d watch my brother and sister for a little bit until my mom came home. My parents worked opposite shifts, they did what they had to do. I’d say it affected me in a positive way. I’m far more independent than my brother and sister, and it gave me the skill set to help me raise my own kids at a young age.
I guess we should define parenting first. In a way, I think my parent’s hands off approach was to my benefit. Sounds like you’re a more resilient and resourceful person because of your parent’s inaction. Imagine the reverse of the coin. What if they taught you all sorts of stuff, then later in life, you had no understanding of how to figure things out on your own? I know many in that position anyway.
Snowplow and helicopter parenting is definitely a flip side of the coin, and I think it’s a reaction to boomer parenting. From too hands off to too hands on. It’s definitely lead to more self confidence on my part, but also more social isolation. It’s a different set of problems to struggle with.
yes, different sides of the same coin. ....and every one doesn't "make it" with the "hands off" approach.
My parents aren’t bad or abusive - they just had babies when they were barely adults (age 19) in the late 80s and had no idea about most things - outside of technology including PCs and internet which is where I lucked out (my dad worked in telecommunications and loved new tech so he was an early PC and internet adopter in the 80s/90s. We always had a PC with dial up on a dedicated line at our house - dad paid $5k to have had first one custom built since they weren’t really sold for household use at the time, we were just starting to get them at schools and offices). Anyway that PC taught me pretty much everything I know. My parents started sounding silly to me at about age 10 with their weird superstitions and deeply conservative opinions (didn’t mention we were in deep east rural Texas).
Never thought of like this but yeah, absolutely, that's me
They taught me how to teach myself things. They are both DIY type people and would sit down and read up on whatever they needed to do usually so I learned that from them. It wasn't that they weren't around but I'm an only child and independent as hell and still am kind of. Last year I learned how to fix the rust on my car with bondo. I'm still proud of the fact that it's still there and looks halfway decent. I found the exact match spray paint too and made it look nice. I respect mechanics way more now because I did this in November and the ground is a lot colder than I realized.
My husband’s parents were completely absent for him once he start school at 5. They’d had a child before him that they were helicopter parents towards, and then my husband came along and they both got harder jobs and basically just ignored him. He had to learn how to do everything himself. They don’t care about either of their kids as people, just as reflections on themselves as parents. They take credit for everything food either kid does, and are harsh critics about anything they dislike.
My parents taught me nothing. My dad was away most of the time for work, and my mom was suffering bedridden clinical depression (unrelated to my dad being away for work). So basically I was just left to my own devices mostly. Which seemed cool as a kid, but sucked as an adult when I realized my life was a blur where I basically only knew what I had taught myself.
Refugee parents with no formal education and didn't speak or understand the language or culture here in America. I was reading and translating all their mail for them at age 8, writing all their checks at 10, and deciding health insurance policy for my family at age 12. Child of uneducated and illiterate refugee/immigrant experience sucks. There's a lot of circular parenting where your parents take care and look out for you, but you also take care and look out for them because they can't navigate this culture and language. Like I can decide how much you should contribute to your 401K and tell you who you should vote for in the presidential elections but I'm not allowed to go to freshman Homecoming or see my friends on a Friday night? Created a lot of resentment and respect issues that have lasted to this day.
I had to self parent in some ways. My mom was an alcoholic and overbearing. She often over shared & confided in me. My father was abusive and a work alcoholic.
My parents never taught me anything I could use in the honest world and when I tried to learn I was basically bollocked for trying to be better. Everything I have learnt about life is self taught and I'm still trying at nearly 40. Thankfully I am happily breaking that cycle.
I learned to cook from watching PBS. I learned about my body and puberty from a textbook. I've done tons of reading, podcasts, and TV to learn how to be an adult. My parents didn't have time or didn't want to teach me much of anything past 8 years old.
Parented myself and my younger siblings. Both my parents were present and loving, just totally chaotic.
My mom was a teacher and when she got home she didn't wanted to deal with more kids, I don't have any memories of her helping with homework or to study with me or give advice. I do remember that when I asked her for help it usually backfired, she would ignore me, literary talking over me, or tell me to figure it out myself or overreact and do a bad situation worst, by 4th grade I already new to just figure it out myself and not ask.
I do not have to self parent, stil.
Often, yes. My mother...got tired towards the end, and I, looking back, was way too much in the driver's seat (often parentified/mild-to-moderate emotional incest dynamic). I handled on my own my college application and visa (I went to the UK for my undergrad). After she died when I was 21, I was adrift in a world I was unprepared for. My extended family culture is stuck in an imaginary version of the 1950s. My parents were government employees (public school teacher and NYC cop). I handled grad school and employment on my own. Mom was hands off as a teenager, so I learned to drive at 25...in New Zealand. I could have so easily been a basement dwelling NEET. While I was obligated to be a straight A private school student, there wasn't much...drive. Losing weight and...learning to socialize with peers was something I handled on my own at 18 when I realized I wanted to have a social/personal life in college. Much like a poster below, the world, to mom, was a scary place out to get us. That's not a healthy attitude to grow up with.
My parents taught me nothing except how to not go into debt and how to write a check. I learned a lot from observing people, including my parents and my own research once the internet became a thing. As well as what my formal education taught me. I’ve never thought of it before. Kind of a dismal thing to realize lol.
I taught myself how to cook some meals
I am ADHD, I have been diagnosed since 6 years old. Whenever I asked my parents for help, they always said, "Figure it out yourself." My parents are now wondering why I am struggling so much as an adult.
My parents were great resources for a long time - but now the internet is better. They tried their best and were very helpful and supportive, but also lacked a lot of information and were taught incorrect things. In the day of YouTube/Reddit/etc, there are just better places for me to learn things.
My moms family regularly shamed me for not being in a college program for exactly what I wanted to do for a job. They are all teachers and engineers and thought I should be a lawyer. They let me know regularly that I wouldn’t be able to feed myself or get a job. Jokes on them as what I do for a job literally didn’t exist as a major when I went to school. So I had to parent myself around learning to be proud of my work and knowing what I do matters even when being told the opposite by family.
I’d say that for home improvement tasks, there could be a many ways to approach it. What you lack is which approach is the most efficient and that’s where experience comes into play. I find myself questioning intelligence vs wisdom. So before I do a home improvement project I’d usually research the hell out of it and then ask my dad how he’d approach it. Then choose an appropriate path forward.
I was pretty much left on my own to figure things out after the age of 12. Mom just basically stopped parenting. ...heck if I know what I'm doing.
Lucky OP, I learned how to drive by paying for driving classes, which is mandatory in my country. But it's basically the norm for parents to teach you the basics. So I took extra hours and went through a couple of driving teachers until I got one that wasn't sexist POS. Got my driving license in my late 30s - when I finally had enough time and disposable income to do so. Living in Europe, not super dependent on having a car to function like an adult. Self-parented myself and parentified to help take care of my younger sibling. Low contact with parents since 19. Hey, it's life.
The internet raised me.
I love the ol’, my parents don’t really understand the modern world and I need to parent them through it more than they ever helped me.
Only child, but also had a single mother who worked, so yes, but from what I am told, I wanted more independency all the time. I asked if I could drop after school when I was 8. So got a key and was mostly self directed after school till my mom came home.
My mom taught me not to get pregnant, be safe, know your location, numbers, navigate, walk. But she was otherwise abusive, controlling, emotionally unstable. I learned how to not be like her in the best ways I could try to. And my dad taught me how to drink beer, invite lots of people over for curry and yell inappropriate words in Hindi. I learned from him how addiction can kill you, and that I need a healthy reliance on my vices.
I was the fifth child with about ten years between me and my next sibling. My parents were older and burnt out and basically left me alone to do whatever as long as I didn’t get in trouble and kept my grades up. The things I could have done! But I was a good kid and just responsibly rode the subway like I was supposed to, maybe bought way too much candy for myself a couple of times. I have a kid now and can’t imagine being that hands off with my kiddo.
My mom had to make up for my Dad who was completely hands off parenting. She did her best and I now have a family and a Masters degree. I did everything right. But now I feel like I can't even get any type of comfort or empathy when I'm going through something. She's still in that "suck it up and move on" phase that I guess was her way of pushing me to be independent. Well.....I don't know how much more independent I can possibly be.....I need to be able to vent and I can't around her. Just sucks.
Same. My parents never divorced and provided financially by giving us a roof and food. But there was no emotional stability, no good example of kindness or compassion. After college there was no advice or offers of knowledge of being there before. Me and my siblings just figured it out as we went. They were always too busy working and saving for retirement. They made it to all of our sports games and paid for college but that was it. I was never able to come the them for advice. If I was bullied at school I kept it to myself. If I had any trouble whatsoever I figured it out myself. And now I know that it didn’t have to be that way. It was their job to let me know I could come to them and they failed at that. It took me 25 years to learn what emotional regulation is. My husband, bless his goddamn heart, taught me most of the emotional regulation I have today. I’m so looking forward to teaching my kids everything I know when they need it. I’m at least grateful to not repeat my experience.
People in this sub really glorify helicopter parenting. I had to figure a lot out for myself but I am grateful for that. It’s ok, even a good thing, to learn to coach yourself and problem solve without needing constant direction and validation.
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That’s true but I don’t think these are the lessons OP is talking about. As for the finance, cooking, dog care lessons etc that OP does mention my parents did not teach me any of that. But they they gave me a lot of independence and space to learn for myself, and now I confidently do all of these things. I like the feeling of self reliance and knowing I can handle what life throws at me without outside validation. OP seems like they have learned and accomplished a lot. I truly don’t get why they are salty with their parents about this.
I thought my parents taught me a lot more than they actually did until I met my partner. When he needs help, he calls his dad. When I need help, I google. I don’t even consider asking my parents, I just default to self sufficiency. I learned everything through uni, work or google. How to jumpstart a car? Googled it. How to drain and clean a washing machine? Googled it. How to get a credit card? Googled it. What’s a mortgage? Googled it. How pensions work? Found a financial advisor. How to write a cover letter? Got help from school.
This is basically what sparked the question for me. Seeing people with healthy positive relationships with their parents and how different it is from neutral or negative relationships. Like, their parents are *there.* To help them, encourage them, celebrate them, etc. It’s so night and day.
That's me. My parents weren't particularly abusive or absent but just neglectful and ignorant in ways I didn't really understand until I started getting ready for college. Had to do everything by myself since then though my dad was nice enough to let me live with him (for a fee) while I was in college. As disappointing as it was to not get any real meaningful guidance, I'm actually glad I had to "self-parent" because it gave me goals and initiative that was not instilled in me growing up. I would not be nearly as far in life as I am now if I waited for my parents to hold my hand or meet my needs.
I’d say 50/50. Not so much early in childhood because my mom stayed home. From about 12 on, we were straight up latchkey kids because both parents worked. I love my parents and recognize that they raised us to the best of their abilities but now that I’m a dad, it’s a little weird to think about letting my 11 yo daughter just run around unsupervised for hours and hours per day.
I've been doing it since I was 13. So well and so much that I lecture and school my own parents, and most other boomers out there
My parents didn’t live in reality. Never had a mortgage or car payment. My old man taught school in a rural school 2 minutes from the house. It was a small town so if he needed any work done or on the house he had a guy he taught in school do it. You couldn’t ask him for help because he didn’t know anything beyond this.
From age 11 I literally raised myself. Both parents ended up working (one out of state most times) and I had to figure it out. Barely saw them. Typical day was: wake up, make my breakfast and lunch, ride my bike to school, ride home from school, do homework for hours, parents came home around 5-6, go down for dinner (they usually made dinner but sometimes I'd have to call for a pizza or something cause they were too tired to cook) and see everyone for 30 minutes, right back to homework or gaming till 9. Repeat. Summers were just me going to hang with friends or finding something to occupy myself alone at home. I learned how to cook, clean, do my own laundry, and manage my time. Learning to drive at 16 was like pulling teeth to get practice in. Had to maintain the yard on the weekends cause my parents said they were too tired from work to do it. Now, 20 years later, they want to be best friends and wonder why I don't have a strong familial connection with them.
Yeah, there have been very, very few instances I ever asked my parents for advice and most the advice given was unsolicited and either didn't apply or was flat-out wrong. They did a decent job leading by example on certain things like how to treat your spouse and make them feel loved, how to conduct yourself when someone is grieving, hurt by something you said/did, or just having a rough one. But for the most part they weren't people I could depend on for emotional support or to teach me how to do things. I lucked into some very sympathetic roommates in my early 20s who taught me a lot of practical skills and I ended up barely talking to my parents for a couple years. I find I value biological family connections a lot less than my parents did. My mom's family was always around but not kind, loving, or available, and my dad's family was either dead or absent. Neither of my siblings make friends easily and they're fairly miserable people (both in and of themselves and just to be around most of the time) and have poor judge of character, so the few friends they each have are kind of awful, and their partners have been pretty terrible. I've just established my own "family" made of friends old and new that I can rely on (and who rely on me) and life's pretty good. We have our own "holidays" and traditions, they adore my wife, they're great people I feel safe with, we all go to each other's weddings or get involved in the wedding party, we have "family dinners" and being around them all at once makes me spectacularly happy.