Super sorry if I’m wrong but I get the vibes that you do know what to do and maybe you posted here because you want permission to leave your husband. You have everybody’s permission. Your husband sounds *exhausting*.
>He keeps saying that he's not breaking the family apart
Bullshit. The situation that HE created is unsustainable, and that is not on you.
Big shot business man is about to see his own marriage turn into a business transaction, unless he's too self-absorbed to notice.
Honestly, from what you wrote here, it sounds like you do. You're already doing it pretty much alone, imagine how much lighter life would be if you could do it minus the burden and resentment 🤷♀️You deserve better, and I'm wishing you lots of strength to get to the other side! 🫶
Your husband’s priorities are out of whack, imo. You had to change your job to work with having a family and so should he. He’s being selfish. I doubt he would move for your job!
He won't for sure. What do I do? He says many other families have 2 working parents and we should be able to do it. What did my children to deserve no parent? I feel so hopeless. I cry nearly everyday.
I mean sure, many other families have 2 working parents but do they have the same careers as you guys? People I know with high power high travel jobs tend to have at least nannies but also often both nannies and a SAHM.
If he doesn’t want to parent then you guys need a full time nanny. Or two. He can’t just abandon his family obligations and tell you tough shit. You didn’t sign up to be a single mom.
I’d suggest spending his nice income to buy the help you need. If you divorce you’ll still have the kids 100% because he won’t. It doesn’t solve the issue of his selfishness, but it gives you breathing room.
Yes plenty of other families have working parents where both parents are home MOST of the time outside of working hours. That is completely different from having a spouse who is gone for most of the week every week. That is ridiculous!
Others are saying make him hire a nanny. Yeah I guess. But he can pay for a nanny to help you out after the divorce too. I would absolutely not settle for someone who thinks they don't have to adjust their life for parenting when it is something we both agreed to.
Sounds like you have 1 working parent (you), and 1 part time roommate (hubby). If he’s gone 5 of every 7 days, how much is he actually parenting? If he’s talking about moving to a separate coast without you and the kids, how involved does he actually plan to be? You and your kids deserve someone who wants to be involved in your lives.
Many families do have 2 income households. What you weren't expecting was always operating as a single parent while he was out of the house traveling for work after the kiddos came.
Check out r/workingmoms
I work for a lot of families like yours...none of them are doing it without a house manager, house keeper, or full time nanny. None. Most have all of the above.
You don’t have to have a super demanding, high paying career. Neither of you do. If he’s not changing and you want a lifestyle change, you know what to do.
It's your husband who doesn't deserve the kids and a supportive partner.
He can not have his cake and eat it. And if you are going to threaten with divorce, please follow through. Otherwise, he'll assume you're just talking and no action.
Your kids deserve a proper family, yes. But they also deserve a mother that is there for them, and aldo knows that she's worth more than being a sidekick to an absent father. Think of the oxygen mask in planes, take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Your husband is a fully grown adult who has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. It's not your problem anymore since he has already decided on his career path.
Honestly from the outside it sounds like divorce is the only option. He thinks he’s not doing anything wrong and he has no interest in changing his priorities so nothing you say is going to change that. Maybe losing his cushy life where you do all the child rearing will be a wake up call?
Even if not I think you should stand firm that this is not what a partnership should look like and it’s not what you should be modeling for your kids. I know that’s not what you want but it seems like he has no interest in your feelings about it.
Sounds like you’re making a lot of sacrifices and he’s living his best life. Also clearly underestimating your contribution to the family (financial and otherwise). You don’t live like spouses anymore, you’re barely roommates at this point. The burden you’re carrying now, would that be lighter if you guys weren’t together? I mean think of what kind of example you’re showing your children: that mum can be overworked and depressed while dad is away most of the time.
Career is important, absolutely, but on his deathbed when he’s old and alone, he won’t be thinking “I wish I made more money”, he’ll be thinking “I wish I cherished my children’s childhood and watched them grow up”.
I think he doesn't see it that way. In his view, he is a present father and loving his children \*when he is around\* and he even thinks he doesn't travel that much. Before he got laid off from this job, he was traveling about 3 times a month, anywhere from 2 to 5 days per trip on average, travel schedule not predictable/ I need to stand-by as his schedule develops. We are probably less than a roommate, which is so sad, but I feel so sad for my children to have to go through divorced parents and having 2 homes, etc. Also I keep feeling bad for myself on the decision to move to the US for this marriage, kids, resulting this ultimate isolation.
Two things can be true at the same time: he may think he’s involved but is he 50/50? Does he know the name of their doctors, of their friends? The bar for fathers is so low, just because he’s not a deadbeat, provides for them snd plays with them for 20 min when he’s home, doesn’t mean he’s a good father.
Do not sell yourself short, you deserve happiness and if that happiness means no longer being in this relationship then you owe yourself exactly that. Also the younger the kids are the less they will be traumatised by seeing their parents divorce. Your kids need a mother that is happy and fulfilled!
This is so true how low the bar is for dads. Yes he hasn’t even ordered a single diaper for any kids lol. No clue on any kid’s clothing sizes and if I get to get out of the house for work event for evening the default dinner is takeout. He constantly complains how the house is a mess 🙃 How about start cleaning up I suggest to get an eye roll. He does do a very good job with dishes and trash 😆
I grew up wishing my parents had gotten a divorce. Don’t underestimate the stress/anxiety that comes with having parents that don’t like each other in the same house
Do you mind sharing what was the marital issue between your parents? My husband is def not abusive or anything like that but I think he lacks empathy and can’t provide me emotionally. I’m also more needy in that department
From experience on the parent side of divorce: I'm less stressed, the kids are less stressed. No walking on eggshells, wondering if husband is going to throw a shit-fit about the laundry or dishes needing washed/put up. (Our house was never spotless, but he also did nothing to help clean it either.) No fighting over bedtimes because he felt that only he had the right to say when we should all be in bed. (8:30pm for a 14 yr old is ridiculous to me)
My parents fought constantly. In their defense, they had no support and both worked. I’ve no doubt it was stressful for them. But the constant conflict was stressful for me! I remember both being terrified they’d divorce and hoping they would.
It doesn’t have to rise to the level of abuse to be toxic.
The only difference would be the two homes. They don't see their father half of the time anyway and it seems unlikely that he would suddenly want 50% custody. Worst case you get majority custody and child support which is basically where you are already as he's more financially supportive than present. Best scenario (for the kids) is a divorce forces him to actually parent as he can't fuck off for half the month if he has 50% custody as you won't be picking up his slack. Either way you wouldn't have to live with and run all the admin for the grown man child.
Oh hell no that would drive me absolutely insane. Traveling 3 times a month is one thing; being totally unpredictable and on standby with it? No, just no. You guys need to come to a compromise and agreement. Also sounds like your counselor might not be very good.
My dad quit a high-paying job that required him to travel out of town between 2-4 days per week on a weekly basis so that I could live with him full-time. He took the opportunity to open his own business which, fortunately, turned out to be even more profitable than his former job. I am his only child and I remember how hard the constant traveling was on the both of us. Beyond the obvious struggles, I recall always feeling anxious (before I ever even knew what it meant), worried for him and his safety.
Obviously, not everyone has the luxury of quitting their job, especially if there are no other options and it’s the only thing keeping food on the table but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case for your family. Divorce is a difficult adjustment but it’s better for children to have parents who are happily living separately than miserably cohabitating.
If you knew, for sure, that nothing was going to change, how long would you stay?
I don’t mean that as a trick question. Because your husband has dropped his side of the rope. He’s not willing to compromise. Every time he is in a place to take on more at home he changes jobs to a more demanding position. He’s not taking your opinions into account. He’s not participating in therapy. He talks about divorce but wants you to initiate. So how long do you think you want to hold the other side of that rope?
There isn’t a right or wrong answer here.
Maybe it’s “until my youngest is three and I can enroll him in preschool.” Maybe it’s “until I find a traditional full-time job so I feel more secure financially.” Maybe it’s “until both kids are in school.” And maybe it’s “forever, I can live with this much.”
It’s up to you. But what you can’t do is make him change. There’s no magic words, no argument you haven’t tried. He is who he is.
To his defense, he is willing to keep going with our marriage as is and I’m the one who keeps bringing it up. I mean at the end of the day he is the one who keeps throwing curve balls at me and I’m reacting to it.
Well yes, the marriage works great for him. You do most all the labor of parenting and running the household, you support him when he makes wild career changes, and you enable him to spend lots of time away from home. He gets to swoop in and be a fun dad when he wants to and leave when he doesn’t.
The question is, does that work for you? Are you okay with it?
Actions speak louder than words. He's putting you in impossible situations but saying he is willing to keep going with the marriage. So you can take the blame.
I would almost suggest individual counseling and see what you want out of this marriage. Your husband sounds so selfish and I am wondering why he even got married and wanted kids in the first place.
I agree with seeking individual counseling to hopefully get some additional support for you in the meantime which will hopefully lead to more clarity in your relationship.
Maybe a trial separation would give you both a picture of what life would look like if you divorced?
Marriage counselling. Sounds to me like you guys don't know if you want to have a marriage or a legal agreement. Learning to communicate and discussing your needs is important, as is understanding your partners poing of view. Good luck!
We are in the counseling. Every session is a crying fest without any resolution. He is very adamant on doing his thing and not able to understand why I would be upset.
Then you need to leave OP. You’re already a single parent. Might as well do it where you have a predictable schedule and you can get back to your career. I’m sorry this is happening. But you will be okay. So will your kids.
Honestly, the fact that he’s putting 100% responsibility on you to make the marriage work, which entails you completely uprooting again, makes me think that separation is the best option. If you tally up the number of things your husband has reneged on/made sudden changes on without first consulting as a couple, just in this post alone, it shows me that he isn’t going to change. Your husband seems to prioritize his own career and his personal whims above his marriage and his children, not to mention that he doesn’t really seem to care what your opinions are. How dare he blame you, when it’s his choices and actions that are putting your family through such upheaval?! It speaks to a lack of empathy and respect, which I think tells you that you are the second-tier in your marriage. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes you need to make big changes in order to achieve your goals, but it doesn’t sound like it’s ever a conversation that includes you.
I’m crying as I am reading this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I feel so stuck in here due to the kids. My parents and his parents both have relatively happy marriages over 35-40yrs
I’m so sorry, it must feel terrible to read these comments if they ring true to you. You must be feeling very overwhelmed.
I’d advise you to maybe start an information-gathering process before you make any sudden moves. Take it one step at a time and tell yourself that you can make big decisions based on the evidence. Is there a supportive person in your life that you can trust to listen and be discrete? This would be more for emotional support, so it doesn’t need to be somebody local or who necessarily speaks English. Just so you can be heard and not judged.
For objective information that is relevant to where you’re living, I suggest talking to a lawyer to understand the separation process and what it could mean for you & your children in terms of finances and custody- you can prepare a written timeline of your husband’s job changes, relocations and demands to help keep you on-track during the meeting, as the lawyer will be interested in this information.
You may also be interested in speaking with a women’s shelter or charity that supports women, just to see if they have recommendations regarding a support group or network related to your native language/culture- there may be some power in finding women to speak to who have been/are going through something similar.
As a final note, related to your point about your parents/in-laws having a long & happy marriage: you may be right in that your marriage isn’t as happy. You may be wrong and it’s simply that the generation above you doesn’t seek divorce as frequently even if it’s warranted. Either way, it doesn’t make you a bad person or less deserving of a happy life with your children. It’s very reasonable for you to feel devastated, but try not to let that stop you from taking action when you need to. You have value and your children have value, and you don’t have to be a silent partner in an unhappy relationship if you don’t want to be. I’m not implying that it’s easy, more that you shouldn’t let shame or embarrassment stop you from evaluating all of your options, including divorce. ❤️
What would be best for you?
I saw Ivy League and high powered career - presuming that’s where your friends and network is? What would set you and your kids up for success?
Your husband sounds very selfish and is not a team player. He might be an involved dad when he’s around but what does he expect to happen when he’s gallivanting around being ceo? The kids to hangout on a shelf? It sounds like the answer is you to handle everything while he follows his dreams.
I’d consider taking a meeting with a divorce attorney and getting your options. Including how difficult it might be to move in the future. I know you don’t want to move across the country for him. But if you were to do it for you, to get back to your friends and network, that might be worth it.
If things are acrimonious, your husband could make it extremely difficult to move anywhere or travel with the kids.
Similarly, I’d hold him to a schedule and stability and not allow him to just float in and upset the apple cart.
OP, my first thought is that you need to take stock of your legal and financial situation. Protect your assets and your legal rights to your children. You mention that you are an immigrant...this is my family too so I'm not trying to be offensive but want to make sure green card/visa isn't an issue.
Even if you don't plan on divorce, ironically, I too believe a divorce lawyer is the best person to walk you through this.
I know the dissolution of a relationship is a very emotional topic and you are trying to address this with counseling but I think now is the time to assess the practicalities of your situation.
I have a friend who is currently battling her ex-husband for custody. They were both prestigious scholarship winners who now work fancy jobs and make stupid amounts of money. My friend knew that her ex was driven and good at getting what he wanted but was shocked by how hard he hit her legally when that same drive that made him so successful in academics and career was turned on her. I mention this because it sounds like your husband may be in the same mold. It doesn't hurt to be prepared. If it doesn't come fruition, then breathe a sigh of relief but at least you know your options.
You deserve better, and your children deserve better. One day, he will look up and his kids will be nearly grown and not know who the hell he is, or care. Take the step now, you sound young, you still have time to find someone else. Perhaps I could suggest individual counseling? It sounds like you could use someone to talk to, just for you. Start reaching out to your support network. Maybe take a month or two off to visit your family. Start building up your friendships, join mom groups (irl). It sounds like he’s isolated you. Being a new mom is very isolating. I spoke to my fiancé about it when our baby was around the 2 month, 3 month mark, and we came up with a schedule where I could go out and have fun and he could do the same. A healthy relationship is absolutely possible. The bar is low for dads, yes, but having a partner who will listen to you and loves you and wants to see you happy is absolutely possible and a reality for many women. Also, Fire your marriage counselor, I can’t believe someone would just sit there and let you cry and not suggest already that maybe you two should get divorced.
Finally, Please go to your local Social Security office and update your citizenship if you haven’t already. The Department of Homeland Security does not interface with Social Security and one day, when you retire, they will ask for the original Certificate of Naturalization or a US Passport. https://www.ssa.gov/personal-record/update-citizenship-or-immigration-status
Sincerely, a new mom and SSA worker.
Where does one find a divorce lawyer? What’s considered good qualities in them? His dad was an accomplished lawyer and I can easily imagine I will be outnumbered and outresourced.
You can reach out to your local bar association and get recommendations. Your local mom groups on Facebook might also have some recommendations.
You want someone who’s experienced in divorce and navigating family court. Having an initial consultation doesn’t force you to pay a retainer.
Ideally you want someone who’s honest and will set expectations. They should be experienced in your jurisdiction and have a good feeling for how cases typically go. Eg. Default is 50/50, this type of visitation is standard for a toddler, this type of visitation is common for school age kids, this schedule is common for school age kids with parents in a different state. Deviation requires agreement or evidence of xyz. These types of addendums have been beneficial in other cases. Here’s how and what to document. These types of motions are worthless to file and just annoy judges. By downshifting your career to care for your children, your husband needs to pay X.
All resources are marital resources right now.
Google divorce attorneys in your area NOW! Call them all, set up consultations with ALL of them. Now. He can’t use those attorneys if you’ve beat him to it! Even if you don’t follow through, it will be in your back pocket.
Don’t think he will give up on the custody. He’s really an “ideas guy” 🥲 And he loves his kids very much. He will constantly travel back and forth I assume to be near his kids. I’m sure even that’s gonna be stressful if he keeps asking me to change my schedule for his travel needs post divorce in joint custody
At least you could have a custody arrangement in place with specified days. He couldn’t just switch it up whenever he wanted. That would also give you time to focus on your career goals that you’ve put on hold.
Don't worry about his ridiculous demands. You set up a custody agreement. And then you hold him to it. If he misses his time, you don't flex for him. If he wants to live on the other coast, he can pay to come back and forth.
What would an open marriage accomplish? This feels completely left field?
Personally, if you were my friend, I'd say ditch the husband. I know that's so much easier said than done, but look at how much you've already been put through. You sound highly driven, intelligent, and also grounded. But you're being pulled along by a man who's hyper fixated on an idea rather than his own wife and family. Do what you need to do, what you would want your kids to do if they were in your position.
Thanks for kind words . I think in a hypothetical open marriage I can satisfy my personal needs for emotional support and romantic love while providing family structure to my children with happier mom and a dad? I don’t want to cheat or want to remarry anyone. I need some companionship
If you’re happy and proud to model that for your kids, then sure it could be something on the table… but you can get companionship through so so many other avenues and the family structure for your children arguably matters less than seeing their mother happy and thriving.
From this and your comments, it really seems like you don’t have a romantic partner at all. I’m sorry. I really think separation and divorce is the only option. He will never be the husband you want him to be.
I suppose you could stay together, but forget about intimacy, it would just be a business/legal marriage. He simply isn’t capable of filling your emotional needs.
Hoping he will is causing you heartbreak. So I think you need to break up and look elsewhere for that fulfillment.
I think you need to sit back and think about this from a relationship perspective before anything else. You've mentioned no intimacy, lack of casual communication, and general tension. Is that the sort of partnership you want to model for your children? If you are as unhappy as you sound and crying from a nightmare that projects your fears, this is unhealthy for you, and your children are probably sensing it.
You did not sign up to be a single mother while married to the father of your children. It shouldn't work like that. Do you want your children to think it does work like that? A single mother who is happily divorced is a better model than her living in an unhappy marriage with an absent spouse AND father. Sure, it's easy to say "just divorce him," but it doesn't really sound like a marriage right now anyway.
You can be 100% present to your children while being a working parent. A lot of people do it. Daycares, nannies, and other caretakers are there for a reason. I highly doubt your husband would ever move for your job. It sounds like he has Main Character Syndrome, and you just keep the flags flying at home so he doesn't have to worry about that. It doesn't sound like he thinks he's doing anything wrong, you're just the naysayer, and his priorities are always going to be like this if the marriage counseling hasn't had any indications of breakthroughs on his end.
Honestly, you need to sit there and figure out what your options are. You are not going to get what you want. There is no way for you to have a supportive partner who is a good father. And someone who never prioritizes their children is not a good father, no matter how engaged they are in the few moments that they are home. Can you follow him to his next venture? It doesn't sound like you can. Can you move back home to get more support, and tell him he can come visit you? I understand that with different countries that might not be viable, or even something that you would want. Overall, I think you need to be thinking seriously about divorce. He has shown you that he doesn't care about you at all, and maybe only just a little bit about the kids. He is the only person he cares about. It's time for you to start caring about yourself.
I “can” move but I don’t want to move cross country again for him. I feel too resentful to do so. And the option of moving back to my home country… I gave up my home citizenship so I could get a U.S. citizenship- I read somewhere your husband can report you as kidnapping your own children if I don’t have U.S. citizenship. And My kids are only half Asian… I would be very worried for them being discriminated in my home country.. Also my current work base is in the U.S. and probably I can have slight advantage to remain here. Not having my own side family really sucks because it makes me want more from my spouse. I wonder if it is unfair for him 🥲
I think you answered your own questions here. He's brought up divorce already, he considered an open marriage. He is acting as if he is single and looking to move cross country. You and your family are not his priority.
I think that you should consider the possibility that the marriage is irrevocably broken.
If I were you, I would take the kids back to your home country where you have more family support. Then your husband can fly back and forth between California and Asia.
I have a relative in a similar situation. There's not any love in the relationship, but the commitment to obligations are there. The mom lives in her home country where her parents can help and the husband visits for weeks at a time.
What would happen if you decided to play his game? You say, “honey, you were completely right. I can’t let having a family get in the way of my dreams. When you get back on Saturday from your work trip, I’m leaving for my work trip until Thursday. Oh, you have a work trip on Tuesday? Wow, I guess you better figure something out, I’ll still be gone.” You don’t even have to have this mythical job, just pretend you do to him and leave.
I don’t really have any suggestions for what to do because I don’t know you. All I want to say is your feelings are totally valid and you deserve to be emotionally fulfilled. Prioritize a healthy and happy home for yourself and your kids whether that comes through marriage counseling or separation. I’m in SF too, sending hugs
While you and he are battling this out, are you able to hire help at home? You're still human and have limits, regardless of how the relationship works out.
I do have a part time nanny and my younger one is going to school starting this fall. I’m worried about our financials if he pursues his business idea to have a full time nanny and private schools.
Maybe let go of the private school thing until things get settled down. Your children do deserve privilege but maybe they can start in middle or high school.
Yeah….. He’s either lying or wrong, but he *is* the one breaking the family apart. NTA but go ahead and just push the button on a divorce. He has steadfastly and absolutely refused to hold up his end of the deal when it comes to your relationship *and* your kids. Don’t listen to his temper tantrums about it and just cut that chord OP
Don’t do an open marriage. That’s never a good idea.
I’m married to a workaholic as well. He listens to my feelings & then ignores them. It’s gotten slightly better since having kids. His isn’t quite this intense though, otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to keep it up. Unfortunately they see it as providing for their family, disregarding the fact that they’re barely a part of it. I don’t know how to get through to that, if he doesn’t want to truly listen.
It sounds like he should be able to work remotely via Zoom if he has a distributed team. If he hasn't suggested more remote work before "divorce", he is indeed deciding not to be in a partnership with you.
But I wouldn't get hung up on whose fault this is, but rather, whether you'll be happier with or without a guy who doesn't consider your happiness in major life choices he makes.
From what you’ve shared, it really sounds like you two have a difference in values and what you both deem as important. Fundamentally, I don’t see this working out especially since you’ve already tried therapy/counseling. The resentment will continue to grow if you all cannot come to a resolution and it seems like resolution can only come to fruition if one of you backs down, which I don’t think either of you will. Honestly, life is long. Don’t spend a majority of it unhappy and mad and crying. I’m not saying divorce or splitting will be easy, but what other options do you have at this point. I do see you on the other side of this a lot happier, but something’s got to give.
Beyond the travel and disrespect for a family schedule, it sounds like the home is loveless and tense. If that can’t shift, then I think it’s better to part ways. Children feel everything. And you deserve love, fun, tenderness, togetherness, joy.
I would just file the divorce paperwork already. Let him see that you’re serious. Not to mention that if he actually needs to travel as much as he says he’s going to, he’s not going to get custody of the kids, like at all. So he’ll be paying you mountains of child support without you having the burden of him around.
I would start preparing, mentally and financially, for a divorce. Would you need to go back to full time work? If so make that happen now.
It does not seem like he is involved in family management and you said you don’t have much of a personal relationship now either. Given that I would also be having a real conversation with husband about how you feel like a single parent with a roommate. Your preference is to have a stable family where you spend time together but if that is not the life he wants then it is best your separate now.
It is true there are many types of families. Some families have a partner that travels often and is hardly around. But in order to work that has to be ok with BOTH parents. Conversely some parents stop traveling all together because they don’t think it’s fair to have the burden on one parent or they don’t want to miss any nights with their children. Many families are in the middle. All of them are fine as long as both partners are in agreement. If he compares you to other families I would get a bit ridiculous and say bring up examples that don’t fit his ideal. Maybe say “some families the men make $2M/year and give it all to their wife to control” or “some families the husband comes home after work and does all of the cooking and cleaning” or you know a girl who doesn’t work and has a nanny and a housekeeper.
If he decided he wanted 7 children or to change religions or to only eat foods that start with the letter M, that’s all fine- but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it or do it to appease him and it doesn’t make you an AH for saying this will not make happy and is not what I want.
My ex was like this, he at first told me his workaholic lifestyle would be temporary. That was 15 years ago and nothing has changed. I don't regret leaving although it was/is hard for our kid. I think if we stayed together our kid would have similar or worse problems (because he feels neglected by his dad). We simply have different life goals. I want a life outside of work, his work is his life. I ultimately couldn't respect his choices. I remarried and have a much more compatible partner now who loves my kid. I don't feel alone or like a hindrance.
It sounds like you're clearly telling him what you need and he's not compromising. You can try to make it work and give it a time frame if you think you'll regret divorcing. The fact that you are talking about divorce and he's not budging is not a good sign. Most guys at least pretend to change for a while. This really sounds like a life goals mismatch which is a big deal.
Keep going to therapy, you need one for just you. I know how painful it is to go through the realization that you can't make it work, I'm sorry and hope it gets better. I can tell you the present pain does get better.
It seems to me your best choice here is to get a nanny. Then you can work half the time and the nanny can take care of the kids half the time.
I don't think he's going to be any more involved than he is right now in any scenario. Your children will likely resent him for it, I suggest trying to be the best person you can be. that's really the only person you have any control over in the end anyway.
Sounds like it's heading towards divorce. I am so sorry - we have very similar profiles. My husband (Caucasian) and I (Asian) met at a top MBA in the US and then worked in the same MBB consulting firm. But we both left when we had kids and I am now practically a SAHM, with a business on the side which takes up maybe 20% of my time. He is in fortune 500 company and travels maybe 6-10 nights a month. We were both equally ambitious before but came from pretty traditional families, so we have always put our family first even at the expense of lower career prospects.
Between me and my husband, he is the more ambitious one and I still get upset he travels so much (even if most men in our network travel much more), so I wouldn't be able to fathom your situation. For a marriage to work, I really believe it should come first.
I think your husband will never change, so I think you will need to find ways to make the situation bearable for you - maybe nanny, fulltime daycare, or whatever. If there is nothing that you think will keep you sane, then maybe it is time to walk away...
How many kids do you have? Do you have a nanny or other childcare help? I would love to talk to you more. Do you use DM here? Thank you for your kind words 😭🙏❤️
i’m sorry, but he is a callous and careless man for getting married and having kids when he has zero intention and zero desire to be a husband or a parent.
I would not even hesitate to divorce this man, what are you even getting out of this marriage? I know people say "oh Reddit is too quick to recommend divorce" but that's nonsense, people are too quick to say "but communicate!" "But counseling." No, he does not give a fuck about you or your children. Match his energy, you're putting way too much into a man who is not giving you anything. Let him go.
I’m so so so sorry for what you’re going through. Motherhood is ALL ENCOMPASSING and LONELY and DIFFICULT. I’m so sorry you are isolated from your family of origin, and also isolated from your husband. It sounds like an impossible situation.
On top of that anger and sadness you still have to be a mother, which is very hard. And it sounds like you are a wonderful one.
I’m just here to say that it will all work out. You are doing an amazing job and this too shall pass. More will be revealed and the answer you’re looking for will become clear.
🙏 good luck!
My husband was corporate pilot and gone all the time. At first I complained about it but then when listening to other wives, I realized I had to change my mindset or we would become divorced. Birthdays and holidays were either early, on time or late, in reality the kids don't care as long as you celebrate it. I learned to handle everything regarding our home, I handled a catastrophic hail storm that broke 9 windows with the boys at 9 and almost 14. They were rock stars in stepping up to help. Hubby had his bestie that lived 50 miles away show up with ability to board up the windows before he was able to get home.
Life is what you make it, did I have to handle a lot? Yes. We have had a great life and raised amazing sons who are awesome adults.
It's a mindset.
You sound like a trooper! Your husband is lucky to have you. I hope he appreciates you and expresses that and show his love to you physically and emotionally. I think if I had that kind of emotional support I can definitely take a lot more. I just feel very lonely in this relationship whether he is here or not. I’m pretty strong willed and have high pain tolerance. But I just can’t get over this accumulated resentment yet. I don’t know how I can change this mindset if it is truly a mindset issue.
Where do I even start…. Simply speaking, this is becoming a fundamental compatibility issue. He’s not a bad guy and I’m not a bad woman. People think we are very nice! But we have different goals in life post kids. I guess I have changed to his defense. But I am having really hard time processing a father of two young children pursuing only one start up idea on the opposite coast burning all our savings in the meantime. What he wants to do (being a ceo of potentially a total flop) is totally different than what he needs to do (finding a job locally with less traveling) imo. And he has been putting me through this over and over. Sure if he weren’t my husband and the father of my kids I sure too would tell him “wow interesting idea, keep me posted how things go” and go on my way.
It sounds really tough. I get why you're unhappy. I know trying to get my spouse to change has been an impossible task. I finally accepted that it's not going to happen. I'm not happy, but I am happier. I'd like to leave but the question is will things be better? Maybe. I'm not sure I have good advice here just the ability to relate. My advice is try to find a way to be happy and don't fight battles that can't be won. I don't think you're going to get him to change so you either have to accept it or you have to walk out. There really is no other choice.
I hope you find peace.
My final two cents, if he's burning through all of your assets that's a good reason to leave. There are some lines that should not be crossed.
I am so grateful of your comments. This really touches me "I'm not happy, but I am happier. I'd like to leave but the question is will things be better?" I think that's why I am still here and debating my options. I have decided to see what happens with him for the next 6 months, while I get some consultation from professionals.
Mommit is a subreddit for mothers only, as Rule 2 of the sub states. Mommit is a subreddit for mothers, not about mothers. There are plenty of parenting subreddits open to anyone, and very few open to just mothers. Please respect an area meant for sharing only these experiences. If you are not a mother (or expectant mother), please try /r/parenting, /r/daddit, /r/askparents, /r/babybumps as the case may be.
My father was a very dynamic CEO and my mother while she worked majority of time she did take parental leave with my younger brother
Being the " corporate" wife ,having kids ,the " showhome" , the hosting .We lived very far from family and my mom was very dynamic herself in that she created support , socially and did not rely on partner for emotional needs .
Good for you that it worked out for your parents. Your mom sounds like a superwoman; your dad is very lucky to have her. Or maybe not everyone saw her struggles. Every couple is different, and how much each person can take varies. I hope your dad also worked hard to tend to your mom’s emotional needs. Just because it worked for your mom and dad for some reason, you cannot assume it will work out for other families/ personalities. My own parents and my in-laws had traditional gender roles and had happy, long marriages. But it doesn’t seem to work for us.🤷🏻♀️
My mom tended to her own emotional needs .My mom had a lot of affluence and luxury ,you are correct the motivation for that particular lifestyle is not for everyone.I am not assuming it will work for everyone,that is why not everyone is a CEO or top of their field or feels empowered as a SAHM / SAHP .
Im a sahm for the last 17 years ,i have a bigger number of children than most ,it's also not for everyone.What doesn't work though in any situation is feeling resentful and like a victim. My suggestion was about getting breaks arranging it yourself like daycare or whatever,go out with friends and go and have a life while you are sahm.
Sounds like he considers you as a sidekick to his main character, instead of being equal partners in determining your life trajectory
Yup. And I don’t know what to do.
One thing you should probably start doing is funnel money into "just in case" savings.... Just in case the only solution is divorce.
So right. If you really come to the conclusion of divorcing you need good money to sustain the lifestyle and support your baby as well.
Super sorry if I’m wrong but I get the vibes that you do know what to do and maybe you posted here because you want permission to leave your husband. You have everybody’s permission. Your husband sounds *exhausting*.
>He keeps saying that he's not breaking the family apart Bullshit. The situation that HE created is unsustainable, and that is not on you. Big shot business man is about to see his own marriage turn into a business transaction, unless he's too self-absorbed to notice.
Honestly, from what you wrote here, it sounds like you do. You're already doing it pretty much alone, imagine how much lighter life would be if you could do it minus the burden and resentment 🤷♀️You deserve better, and I'm wishing you lots of strength to get to the other side! 🫶
Your husband’s priorities are out of whack, imo. You had to change your job to work with having a family and so should he. He’s being selfish. I doubt he would move for your job!
He won't for sure. What do I do? He says many other families have 2 working parents and we should be able to do it. What did my children to deserve no parent? I feel so hopeless. I cry nearly everyday.
Many other families utilize daycare, grandparents, babysitters, cleaning services, etc.
And their jobs typically do not include having to travel out of state consistently.
And they don't make unilateral decisions that upend their family life and financial stability. The "grindset" is a disease.
Right many families have 2 working parents. But not with jobs that require extensive travel.
I mean sure, many other families have 2 working parents but do they have the same careers as you guys? People I know with high power high travel jobs tend to have at least nannies but also often both nannies and a SAHM.
If he doesn’t want to parent then you guys need a full time nanny. Or two. He can’t just abandon his family obligations and tell you tough shit. You didn’t sign up to be a single mom. I’d suggest spending his nice income to buy the help you need. If you divorce you’ll still have the kids 100% because he won’t. It doesn’t solve the issue of his selfishness, but it gives you breathing room.
Yes plenty of other families have working parents where both parents are home MOST of the time outside of working hours. That is completely different from having a spouse who is gone for most of the week every week. That is ridiculous! Others are saying make him hire a nanny. Yeah I guess. But he can pay for a nanny to help you out after the divorce too. I would absolutely not settle for someone who thinks they don't have to adjust their life for parenting when it is something we both agreed to.
Sounds like you have 1 working parent (you), and 1 part time roommate (hubby). If he’s gone 5 of every 7 days, how much is he actually parenting? If he’s talking about moving to a separate coast without you and the kids, how involved does he actually plan to be? You and your kids deserve someone who wants to be involved in your lives.
Many families do have 2 income households. What you weren't expecting was always operating as a single parent while he was out of the house traveling for work after the kiddos came.
Check out r/workingmoms I work for a lot of families like yours...none of them are doing it without a house manager, house keeper, or full time nanny. None. Most have all of the above.
You don’t have to have a super demanding, high paying career. Neither of you do. If he’s not changing and you want a lifestyle change, you know what to do.
If he wants to leave Ca, let him. But he can’t take the kids out of state without permission. It’s a law. You’ll just get child supportb
It's your husband who doesn't deserve the kids and a supportive partner. He can not have his cake and eat it. And if you are going to threaten with divorce, please follow through. Otherwise, he'll assume you're just talking and no action. Your kids deserve a proper family, yes. But they also deserve a mother that is there for them, and aldo knows that she's worth more than being a sidekick to an absent father. Think of the oxygen mask in planes, take care of yourself so you can take care of them. Your husband is a fully grown adult who has to deal with the consequences of his own actions. It's not your problem anymore since he has already decided on his career path.
Spend some of his money to get a full time nanny and cleaning service.
Sure, that's how it is in my family. He's not reasonable, though. You're the one supporting the family, right?
[удалено]
Wow 😂
Honestly from the outside it sounds like divorce is the only option. He thinks he’s not doing anything wrong and he has no interest in changing his priorities so nothing you say is going to change that. Maybe losing his cushy life where you do all the child rearing will be a wake up call? Even if not I think you should stand firm that this is not what a partnership should look like and it’s not what you should be modeling for your kids. I know that’s not what you want but it seems like he has no interest in your feelings about it.
Sounds like you’re making a lot of sacrifices and he’s living his best life. Also clearly underestimating your contribution to the family (financial and otherwise). You don’t live like spouses anymore, you’re barely roommates at this point. The burden you’re carrying now, would that be lighter if you guys weren’t together? I mean think of what kind of example you’re showing your children: that mum can be overworked and depressed while dad is away most of the time. Career is important, absolutely, but on his deathbed when he’s old and alone, he won’t be thinking “I wish I made more money”, he’ll be thinking “I wish I cherished my children’s childhood and watched them grow up”.
I think he doesn't see it that way. In his view, he is a present father and loving his children \*when he is around\* and he even thinks he doesn't travel that much. Before he got laid off from this job, he was traveling about 3 times a month, anywhere from 2 to 5 days per trip on average, travel schedule not predictable/ I need to stand-by as his schedule develops. We are probably less than a roommate, which is so sad, but I feel so sad for my children to have to go through divorced parents and having 2 homes, etc. Also I keep feeling bad for myself on the decision to move to the US for this marriage, kids, resulting this ultimate isolation.
Two things can be true at the same time: he may think he’s involved but is he 50/50? Does he know the name of their doctors, of their friends? The bar for fathers is so low, just because he’s not a deadbeat, provides for them snd plays with them for 20 min when he’s home, doesn’t mean he’s a good father. Do not sell yourself short, you deserve happiness and if that happiness means no longer being in this relationship then you owe yourself exactly that. Also the younger the kids are the less they will be traumatised by seeing their parents divorce. Your kids need a mother that is happy and fulfilled!
This is so true how low the bar is for dads. Yes he hasn’t even ordered a single diaper for any kids lol. No clue on any kid’s clothing sizes and if I get to get out of the house for work event for evening the default dinner is takeout. He constantly complains how the house is a mess 🙃 How about start cleaning up I suggest to get an eye roll. He does do a very good job with dishes and trash 😆
I grew up wishing my parents had gotten a divorce. Don’t underestimate the stress/anxiety that comes with having parents that don’t like each other in the same house
Do you mind sharing what was the marital issue between your parents? My husband is def not abusive or anything like that but I think he lacks empathy and can’t provide me emotionally. I’m also more needy in that department
From experience on the parent side of divorce: I'm less stressed, the kids are less stressed. No walking on eggshells, wondering if husband is going to throw a shit-fit about the laundry or dishes needing washed/put up. (Our house was never spotless, but he also did nothing to help clean it either.) No fighting over bedtimes because he felt that only he had the right to say when we should all be in bed. (8:30pm for a 14 yr old is ridiculous to me)
Neglect. Is. Abuse.
My parents fought constantly. In their defense, they had no support and both worked. I’ve no doubt it was stressful for them. But the constant conflict was stressful for me! I remember both being terrified they’d divorce and hoping they would. It doesn’t have to rise to the level of abuse to be toxic.
The only difference would be the two homes. They don't see their father half of the time anyway and it seems unlikely that he would suddenly want 50% custody. Worst case you get majority custody and child support which is basically where you are already as he's more financially supportive than present. Best scenario (for the kids) is a divorce forces him to actually parent as he can't fuck off for half the month if he has 50% custody as you won't be picking up his slack. Either way you wouldn't have to live with and run all the admin for the grown man child.
They won’t have 2 homes. He has to travel too much for them to ever have a custody schedule where he gets them any regular amount of time.
Oh hell no that would drive me absolutely insane. Traveling 3 times a month is one thing; being totally unpredictable and on standby with it? No, just no. You guys need to come to a compromise and agreement. Also sounds like your counselor might not be very good.
My dad quit a high-paying job that required him to travel out of town between 2-4 days per week on a weekly basis so that I could live with him full-time. He took the opportunity to open his own business which, fortunately, turned out to be even more profitable than his former job. I am his only child and I remember how hard the constant traveling was on the both of us. Beyond the obvious struggles, I recall always feeling anxious (before I ever even knew what it meant), worried for him and his safety. Obviously, not everyone has the luxury of quitting their job, especially if there are no other options and it’s the only thing keeping food on the table but that doesn’t sound like it’s the case for your family. Divorce is a difficult adjustment but it’s better for children to have parents who are happily living separately than miserably cohabitating.
If you knew, for sure, that nothing was going to change, how long would you stay? I don’t mean that as a trick question. Because your husband has dropped his side of the rope. He’s not willing to compromise. Every time he is in a place to take on more at home he changes jobs to a more demanding position. He’s not taking your opinions into account. He’s not participating in therapy. He talks about divorce but wants you to initiate. So how long do you think you want to hold the other side of that rope? There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. Maybe it’s “until my youngest is three and I can enroll him in preschool.” Maybe it’s “until I find a traditional full-time job so I feel more secure financially.” Maybe it’s “until both kids are in school.” And maybe it’s “forever, I can live with this much.” It’s up to you. But what you can’t do is make him change. There’s no magic words, no argument you haven’t tried. He is who he is.
To his defense, he is willing to keep going with our marriage as is and I’m the one who keeps bringing it up. I mean at the end of the day he is the one who keeps throwing curve balls at me and I’m reacting to it.
Well yes, the marriage works great for him. You do most all the labor of parenting and running the household, you support him when he makes wild career changes, and you enable him to spend lots of time away from home. He gets to swoop in and be a fun dad when he wants to and leave when he doesn’t. The question is, does that work for you? Are you okay with it?
This 😭😭😭😭😭
I’d also love to have an arrangement where I get all the benefits and no responsibilities beyond working because I want to. That is no defense
Actions speak louder than words. He's putting you in impossible situations but saying he is willing to keep going with the marriage. So you can take the blame.
I would almost suggest individual counseling and see what you want out of this marriage. Your husband sounds so selfish and I am wondering why he even got married and wanted kids in the first place.
I agree with seeking individual counseling to hopefully get some additional support for you in the meantime which will hopefully lead to more clarity in your relationship. Maybe a trial separation would give you both a picture of what life would look like if you divorced?
He is just an ideas guy. Not really pulling in work in my view. Marriage and having kids all *sounds like a good idea*
Marriage counselling. Sounds to me like you guys don't know if you want to have a marriage or a legal agreement. Learning to communicate and discussing your needs is important, as is understanding your partners poing of view. Good luck!
We are in the counseling. Every session is a crying fest without any resolution. He is very adamant on doing his thing and not able to understand why I would be upset.
Then you need to leave OP. You’re already a single parent. Might as well do it where you have a predictable schedule and you can get back to your career. I’m sorry this is happening. But you will be okay. So will your kids.
You need a new counselor at the very least. They shouldn't allow this to happen every session without any kind of movement or improvement.
Honestly, the fact that he’s putting 100% responsibility on you to make the marriage work, which entails you completely uprooting again, makes me think that separation is the best option. If you tally up the number of things your husband has reneged on/made sudden changes on without first consulting as a couple, just in this post alone, it shows me that he isn’t going to change. Your husband seems to prioritize his own career and his personal whims above his marriage and his children, not to mention that he doesn’t really seem to care what your opinions are. How dare he blame you, when it’s his choices and actions that are putting your family through such upheaval?! It speaks to a lack of empathy and respect, which I think tells you that you are the second-tier in your marriage. And don’t get me wrong, sometimes you need to make big changes in order to achieve your goals, but it doesn’t sound like it’s ever a conversation that includes you.
I’m crying as I am reading this 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 I feel so stuck in here due to the kids. My parents and his parents both have relatively happy marriages over 35-40yrs
I’m so sorry, it must feel terrible to read these comments if they ring true to you. You must be feeling very overwhelmed. I’d advise you to maybe start an information-gathering process before you make any sudden moves. Take it one step at a time and tell yourself that you can make big decisions based on the evidence. Is there a supportive person in your life that you can trust to listen and be discrete? This would be more for emotional support, so it doesn’t need to be somebody local or who necessarily speaks English. Just so you can be heard and not judged. For objective information that is relevant to where you’re living, I suggest talking to a lawyer to understand the separation process and what it could mean for you & your children in terms of finances and custody- you can prepare a written timeline of your husband’s job changes, relocations and demands to help keep you on-track during the meeting, as the lawyer will be interested in this information. You may also be interested in speaking with a women’s shelter or charity that supports women, just to see if they have recommendations regarding a support group or network related to your native language/culture- there may be some power in finding women to speak to who have been/are going through something similar. As a final note, related to your point about your parents/in-laws having a long & happy marriage: you may be right in that your marriage isn’t as happy. You may be wrong and it’s simply that the generation above you doesn’t seek divorce as frequently even if it’s warranted. Either way, it doesn’t make you a bad person or less deserving of a happy life with your children. It’s very reasonable for you to feel devastated, but try not to let that stop you from taking action when you need to. You have value and your children have value, and you don’t have to be a silent partner in an unhappy relationship if you don’t want to be. I’m not implying that it’s easy, more that you shouldn’t let shame or embarrassment stop you from evaluating all of your options, including divorce. ❤️
Appreciate this so much 🙏🙏🙏 THANK YOU 😭❤️
What would be best for you? I saw Ivy League and high powered career - presuming that’s where your friends and network is? What would set you and your kids up for success? Your husband sounds very selfish and is not a team player. He might be an involved dad when he’s around but what does he expect to happen when he’s gallivanting around being ceo? The kids to hangout on a shelf? It sounds like the answer is you to handle everything while he follows his dreams. I’d consider taking a meeting with a divorce attorney and getting your options. Including how difficult it might be to move in the future. I know you don’t want to move across the country for him. But if you were to do it for you, to get back to your friends and network, that might be worth it. If things are acrimonious, your husband could make it extremely difficult to move anywhere or travel with the kids. Similarly, I’d hold him to a schedule and stability and not allow him to just float in and upset the apple cart.
OP, my first thought is that you need to take stock of your legal and financial situation. Protect your assets and your legal rights to your children. You mention that you are an immigrant...this is my family too so I'm not trying to be offensive but want to make sure green card/visa isn't an issue. Even if you don't plan on divorce, ironically, I too believe a divorce lawyer is the best person to walk you through this. I know the dissolution of a relationship is a very emotional topic and you are trying to address this with counseling but I think now is the time to assess the practicalities of your situation. I have a friend who is currently battling her ex-husband for custody. They were both prestigious scholarship winners who now work fancy jobs and make stupid amounts of money. My friend knew that her ex was driven and good at getting what he wanted but was shocked by how hard he hit her legally when that same drive that made him so successful in academics and career was turned on her. I mention this because it sounds like your husband may be in the same mold. It doesn't hurt to be prepared. If it doesn't come fruition, then breathe a sigh of relief but at least you know your options.
I appreciate this advice. I did get a citizenship last year after being on greencard for nearly 10yrs… I’m glad I did.
You deserve better, and your children deserve better. One day, he will look up and his kids will be nearly grown and not know who the hell he is, or care. Take the step now, you sound young, you still have time to find someone else. Perhaps I could suggest individual counseling? It sounds like you could use someone to talk to, just for you. Start reaching out to your support network. Maybe take a month or two off to visit your family. Start building up your friendships, join mom groups (irl). It sounds like he’s isolated you. Being a new mom is very isolating. I spoke to my fiancé about it when our baby was around the 2 month, 3 month mark, and we came up with a schedule where I could go out and have fun and he could do the same. A healthy relationship is absolutely possible. The bar is low for dads, yes, but having a partner who will listen to you and loves you and wants to see you happy is absolutely possible and a reality for many women. Also, Fire your marriage counselor, I can’t believe someone would just sit there and let you cry and not suggest already that maybe you two should get divorced. Finally, Please go to your local Social Security office and update your citizenship if you haven’t already. The Department of Homeland Security does not interface with Social Security and one day, when you retire, they will ask for the original Certificate of Naturalization or a US Passport. https://www.ssa.gov/personal-record/update-citizenship-or-immigration-status Sincerely, a new mom and SSA worker.
Where does one find a divorce lawyer? What’s considered good qualities in them? His dad was an accomplished lawyer and I can easily imagine I will be outnumbered and outresourced.
You can reach out to your local bar association and get recommendations. Your local mom groups on Facebook might also have some recommendations. You want someone who’s experienced in divorce and navigating family court. Having an initial consultation doesn’t force you to pay a retainer. Ideally you want someone who’s honest and will set expectations. They should be experienced in your jurisdiction and have a good feeling for how cases typically go. Eg. Default is 50/50, this type of visitation is standard for a toddler, this type of visitation is common for school age kids, this schedule is common for school age kids with parents in a different state. Deviation requires agreement or evidence of xyz. These types of addendums have been beneficial in other cases. Here’s how and what to document. These types of motions are worthless to file and just annoy judges. By downshifting your career to care for your children, your husband needs to pay X. All resources are marital resources right now.
Google divorce attorneys in your area NOW! Call them all, set up consultations with ALL of them. Now. He can’t use those attorneys if you’ve beat him to it! Even if you don’t follow through, it will be in your back pocket.
Judges REALLY frown on people who do this, meet with 4 of the best ones.
Does he think that if you divorce he will be able to move? Or does he plan on not going for any custody at all
Don’t think he will give up on the custody. He’s really an “ideas guy” 🥲 And he loves his kids very much. He will constantly travel back and forth I assume to be near his kids. I’m sure even that’s gonna be stressful if he keeps asking me to change my schedule for his travel needs post divorce in joint custody
At least you could have a custody arrangement in place with specified days. He couldn’t just switch it up whenever he wanted. That would also give you time to focus on your career goals that you’ve put on hold.
Don't worry about his ridiculous demands. You set up a custody agreement. And then you hold him to it. If he misses his time, you don't flex for him. If he wants to live on the other coast, he can pay to come back and forth.
What would an open marriage accomplish? This feels completely left field? Personally, if you were my friend, I'd say ditch the husband. I know that's so much easier said than done, but look at how much you've already been put through. You sound highly driven, intelligent, and also grounded. But you're being pulled along by a man who's hyper fixated on an idea rather than his own wife and family. Do what you need to do, what you would want your kids to do if they were in your position.
Thanks for kind words . I think in a hypothetical open marriage I can satisfy my personal needs for emotional support and romantic love while providing family structure to my children with happier mom and a dad? I don’t want to cheat or want to remarry anyone. I need some companionship
If you’re happy and proud to model that for your kids, then sure it could be something on the table… but you can get companionship through so so many other avenues and the family structure for your children arguably matters less than seeing their mother happy and thriving.
From this and your comments, it really seems like you don’t have a romantic partner at all. I’m sorry. I really think separation and divorce is the only option. He will never be the husband you want him to be. I suppose you could stay together, but forget about intimacy, it would just be a business/legal marriage. He simply isn’t capable of filling your emotional needs. Hoping he will is causing you heartbreak. So I think you need to break up and look elsewhere for that fulfillment.
I think you need to sit back and think about this from a relationship perspective before anything else. You've mentioned no intimacy, lack of casual communication, and general tension. Is that the sort of partnership you want to model for your children? If you are as unhappy as you sound and crying from a nightmare that projects your fears, this is unhealthy for you, and your children are probably sensing it. You did not sign up to be a single mother while married to the father of your children. It shouldn't work like that. Do you want your children to think it does work like that? A single mother who is happily divorced is a better model than her living in an unhappy marriage with an absent spouse AND father. Sure, it's easy to say "just divorce him," but it doesn't really sound like a marriage right now anyway. You can be 100% present to your children while being a working parent. A lot of people do it. Daycares, nannies, and other caretakers are there for a reason. I highly doubt your husband would ever move for your job. It sounds like he has Main Character Syndrome, and you just keep the flags flying at home so he doesn't have to worry about that. It doesn't sound like he thinks he's doing anything wrong, you're just the naysayer, and his priorities are always going to be like this if the marriage counseling hasn't had any indications of breakthroughs on his end.
Honestly, you need to sit there and figure out what your options are. You are not going to get what you want. There is no way for you to have a supportive partner who is a good father. And someone who never prioritizes their children is not a good father, no matter how engaged they are in the few moments that they are home. Can you follow him to his next venture? It doesn't sound like you can. Can you move back home to get more support, and tell him he can come visit you? I understand that with different countries that might not be viable, or even something that you would want. Overall, I think you need to be thinking seriously about divorce. He has shown you that he doesn't care about you at all, and maybe only just a little bit about the kids. He is the only person he cares about. It's time for you to start caring about yourself.
I “can” move but I don’t want to move cross country again for him. I feel too resentful to do so. And the option of moving back to my home country… I gave up my home citizenship so I could get a U.S. citizenship- I read somewhere your husband can report you as kidnapping your own children if I don’t have U.S. citizenship. And My kids are only half Asian… I would be very worried for them being discriminated in my home country.. Also my current work base is in the U.S. and probably I can have slight advantage to remain here. Not having my own side family really sucks because it makes me want more from my spouse. I wonder if it is unfair for him 🥲
I think you answered your own questions here. He's brought up divorce already, he considered an open marriage. He is acting as if he is single and looking to move cross country. You and your family are not his priority. I think that you should consider the possibility that the marriage is irrevocably broken.
Actually I brought up both options to him and he doesn’t want either.
I'm sorry. He may be conflicted. But if you look at his actions, I think they are pretty clear. :(
If I were you, I would take the kids back to your home country where you have more family support. Then your husband can fly back and forth between California and Asia. I have a relative in a similar situation. There's not any love in the relationship, but the commitment to obligations are there. The mom lives in her home country where her parents can help and the husband visits for weeks at a time.
What would happen if you decided to play his game? You say, “honey, you were completely right. I can’t let having a family get in the way of my dreams. When you get back on Saturday from your work trip, I’m leaving for my work trip until Thursday. Oh, you have a work trip on Tuesday? Wow, I guess you better figure something out, I’ll still be gone.” You don’t even have to have this mythical job, just pretend you do to him and leave.
I don’t really have any suggestions for what to do because I don’t know you. All I want to say is your feelings are totally valid and you deserve to be emotionally fulfilled. Prioritize a healthy and happy home for yourself and your kids whether that comes through marriage counseling or separation. I’m in SF too, sending hugs
While you and he are battling this out, are you able to hire help at home? You're still human and have limits, regardless of how the relationship works out.
I do have a part time nanny and my younger one is going to school starting this fall. I’m worried about our financials if he pursues his business idea to have a full time nanny and private schools.
Maybe let go of the private school thing until things get settled down. Your children do deserve privilege but maybe they can start in middle or high school.
Yeah….. He’s either lying or wrong, but he *is* the one breaking the family apart. NTA but go ahead and just push the button on a divorce. He has steadfastly and absolutely refused to hold up his end of the deal when it comes to your relationship *and* your kids. Don’t listen to his temper tantrums about it and just cut that chord OP
Don’t do an open marriage. That’s never a good idea. I’m married to a workaholic as well. He listens to my feelings & then ignores them. It’s gotten slightly better since having kids. His isn’t quite this intense though, otherwise I don’t think I’d be able to keep it up. Unfortunately they see it as providing for their family, disregarding the fact that they’re barely a part of it. I don’t know how to get through to that, if he doesn’t want to truly listen.
It sounds like he should be able to work remotely via Zoom if he has a distributed team. If he hasn't suggested more remote work before "divorce", he is indeed deciding not to be in a partnership with you. But I wouldn't get hung up on whose fault this is, but rather, whether you'll be happier with or without a guy who doesn't consider your happiness in major life choices he makes.
From what you’ve shared, it really sounds like you two have a difference in values and what you both deem as important. Fundamentally, I don’t see this working out especially since you’ve already tried therapy/counseling. The resentment will continue to grow if you all cannot come to a resolution and it seems like resolution can only come to fruition if one of you backs down, which I don’t think either of you will. Honestly, life is long. Don’t spend a majority of it unhappy and mad and crying. I’m not saying divorce or splitting will be easy, but what other options do you have at this point. I do see you on the other side of this a lot happier, but something’s got to give.
Beyond the travel and disrespect for a family schedule, it sounds like the home is loveless and tense. If that can’t shift, then I think it’s better to part ways. Children feel everything. And you deserve love, fun, tenderness, togetherness, joy.
I would just file the divorce paperwork already. Let him see that you’re serious. Not to mention that if he actually needs to travel as much as he says he’s going to, he’s not going to get custody of the kids, like at all. So he’ll be paying you mountains of child support without you having the burden of him around.
I would start preparing, mentally and financially, for a divorce. Would you need to go back to full time work? If so make that happen now. It does not seem like he is involved in family management and you said you don’t have much of a personal relationship now either. Given that I would also be having a real conversation with husband about how you feel like a single parent with a roommate. Your preference is to have a stable family where you spend time together but if that is not the life he wants then it is best your separate now. It is true there are many types of families. Some families have a partner that travels often and is hardly around. But in order to work that has to be ok with BOTH parents. Conversely some parents stop traveling all together because they don’t think it’s fair to have the burden on one parent or they don’t want to miss any nights with their children. Many families are in the middle. All of them are fine as long as both partners are in agreement. If he compares you to other families I would get a bit ridiculous and say bring up examples that don’t fit his ideal. Maybe say “some families the men make $2M/year and give it all to their wife to control” or “some families the husband comes home after work and does all of the cooking and cleaning” or you know a girl who doesn’t work and has a nanny and a housekeeper. If he decided he wanted 7 children or to change religions or to only eat foods that start with the letter M, that’s all fine- but that doesn’t mean you have to be ok with it or do it to appease him and it doesn’t make you an AH for saying this will not make happy and is not what I want.
My ex was like this, he at first told me his workaholic lifestyle would be temporary. That was 15 years ago and nothing has changed. I don't regret leaving although it was/is hard for our kid. I think if we stayed together our kid would have similar or worse problems (because he feels neglected by his dad). We simply have different life goals. I want a life outside of work, his work is his life. I ultimately couldn't respect his choices. I remarried and have a much more compatible partner now who loves my kid. I don't feel alone or like a hindrance. It sounds like you're clearly telling him what you need and he's not compromising. You can try to make it work and give it a time frame if you think you'll regret divorcing. The fact that you are talking about divorce and he's not budging is not a good sign. Most guys at least pretend to change for a while. This really sounds like a life goals mismatch which is a big deal. Keep going to therapy, you need one for just you. I know how painful it is to go through the realization that you can't make it work, I'm sorry and hope it gets better. I can tell you the present pain does get better.
It seems to me your best choice here is to get a nanny. Then you can work half the time and the nanny can take care of the kids half the time. I don't think he's going to be any more involved than he is right now in any scenario. Your children will likely resent him for it, I suggest trying to be the best person you can be. that's really the only person you have any control over in the end anyway.
Sounds like it's heading towards divorce. I am so sorry - we have very similar profiles. My husband (Caucasian) and I (Asian) met at a top MBA in the US and then worked in the same MBB consulting firm. But we both left when we had kids and I am now practically a SAHM, with a business on the side which takes up maybe 20% of my time. He is in fortune 500 company and travels maybe 6-10 nights a month. We were both equally ambitious before but came from pretty traditional families, so we have always put our family first even at the expense of lower career prospects. Between me and my husband, he is the more ambitious one and I still get upset he travels so much (even if most men in our network travel much more), so I wouldn't be able to fathom your situation. For a marriage to work, I really believe it should come first. I think your husband will never change, so I think you will need to find ways to make the situation bearable for you - maybe nanny, fulltime daycare, or whatever. If there is nothing that you think will keep you sane, then maybe it is time to walk away...
How many kids do you have? Do you have a nanny or other childcare help? I would love to talk to you more. Do you use DM here? Thank you for your kind words 😭🙏❤️
i’m sorry, but he is a callous and careless man for getting married and having kids when he has zero intention and zero desire to be a husband or a parent.
I would not even hesitate to divorce this man, what are you even getting out of this marriage? I know people say "oh Reddit is too quick to recommend divorce" but that's nonsense, people are too quick to say "but communicate!" "But counseling." No, he does not give a fuck about you or your children. Match his energy, you're putting way too much into a man who is not giving you anything. Let him go.
I’m so so so sorry for what you’re going through. Motherhood is ALL ENCOMPASSING and LONELY and DIFFICULT. I’m so sorry you are isolated from your family of origin, and also isolated from your husband. It sounds like an impossible situation. On top of that anger and sadness you still have to be a mother, which is very hard. And it sounds like you are a wonderful one. I’m just here to say that it will all work out. You are doing an amazing job and this too shall pass. More will be revealed and the answer you’re looking for will become clear. 🙏 good luck!
😭😭😭😭🙏
Thank you 🥲🥲🥲😭🙏❤️
My husband was corporate pilot and gone all the time. At first I complained about it but then when listening to other wives, I realized I had to change my mindset or we would become divorced. Birthdays and holidays were either early, on time or late, in reality the kids don't care as long as you celebrate it. I learned to handle everything regarding our home, I handled a catastrophic hail storm that broke 9 windows with the boys at 9 and almost 14. They were rock stars in stepping up to help. Hubby had his bestie that lived 50 miles away show up with ability to board up the windows before he was able to get home. Life is what you make it, did I have to handle a lot? Yes. We have had a great life and raised amazing sons who are awesome adults. It's a mindset.
You sound like a trooper! Your husband is lucky to have you. I hope he appreciates you and expresses that and show his love to you physically and emotionally. I think if I had that kind of emotional support I can definitely take a lot more. I just feel very lonely in this relationship whether he is here or not. I’m pretty strong willed and have high pain tolerance. But I just can’t get over this accumulated resentment yet. I don’t know how I can change this mindset if it is truly a mindset issue.
It does make a big difference that he was appreciative, granted we both worked hard for it, it's not easy.
🙌🙌🙌Happy for you guys! Is he still a pilot or has his time away from home gone down?
He is disabled now at 55, the kids are adults now and we live a simple life. Thankfully we eke it out alright.
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Where do I even start…. Simply speaking, this is becoming a fundamental compatibility issue. He’s not a bad guy and I’m not a bad woman. People think we are very nice! But we have different goals in life post kids. I guess I have changed to his defense. But I am having really hard time processing a father of two young children pursuing only one start up idea on the opposite coast burning all our savings in the meantime. What he wants to do (being a ceo of potentially a total flop) is totally different than what he needs to do (finding a job locally with less traveling) imo. And he has been putting me through this over and over. Sure if he weren’t my husband and the father of my kids I sure too would tell him “wow interesting idea, keep me posted how things go” and go on my way.
It sounds really tough. I get why you're unhappy. I know trying to get my spouse to change has been an impossible task. I finally accepted that it's not going to happen. I'm not happy, but I am happier. I'd like to leave but the question is will things be better? Maybe. I'm not sure I have good advice here just the ability to relate. My advice is try to find a way to be happy and don't fight battles that can't be won. I don't think you're going to get him to change so you either have to accept it or you have to walk out. There really is no other choice. I hope you find peace. My final two cents, if he's burning through all of your assets that's a good reason to leave. There are some lines that should not be crossed.
I am so grateful of your comments. This really touches me "I'm not happy, but I am happier. I'd like to leave but the question is will things be better?" I think that's why I am still here and debating my options. I have decided to see what happens with him for the next 6 months, while I get some consultation from professionals.
Mommit is a subreddit for mothers only, as Rule 2 of the sub states. Mommit is a subreddit for mothers, not about mothers. There are plenty of parenting subreddits open to anyone, and very few open to just mothers. Please respect an area meant for sharing only these experiences. If you are not a mother (or expectant mother), please try /r/parenting, /r/daddit, /r/askparents, /r/babybumps as the case may be.
My father was a very dynamic CEO and my mother while she worked majority of time she did take parental leave with my younger brother Being the " corporate" wife ,having kids ,the " showhome" , the hosting .We lived very far from family and my mom was very dynamic herself in that she created support , socially and did not rely on partner for emotional needs .
Good for you that it worked out for your parents. Your mom sounds like a superwoman; your dad is very lucky to have her. Or maybe not everyone saw her struggles. Every couple is different, and how much each person can take varies. I hope your dad also worked hard to tend to your mom’s emotional needs. Just because it worked for your mom and dad for some reason, you cannot assume it will work out for other families/ personalities. My own parents and my in-laws had traditional gender roles and had happy, long marriages. But it doesn’t seem to work for us.🤷🏻♀️
My mom tended to her own emotional needs .My mom had a lot of affluence and luxury ,you are correct the motivation for that particular lifestyle is not for everyone.I am not assuming it will work for everyone,that is why not everyone is a CEO or top of their field or feels empowered as a SAHM / SAHP . Im a sahm for the last 17 years ,i have a bigger number of children than most ,it's also not for everyone.What doesn't work though in any situation is feeling resentful and like a victim. My suggestion was about getting breaks arranging it yourself like daycare or whatever,go out with friends and go and have a life while you are sahm.