i would intervene. it's simple enough to say, he's still playing with that, you can have a turn when he's done. most kids and parents understand that.
also and Idk how to word this nicely, it sounds like you're not very assertive yourself? so try extra hard to model this behavior more for him. say, I'm playing with this toy right now, to other kids for him until he can do it for himself. he'll learn how by watching you and learning how to take turns takes years
Young children need adults to help be their voice. Under three and there is little room to “reason”. “This is so and so’s work. You can have it when they are done” or “it looks like so and so is still using this. You can use it when they’re done” and then making sure the child who was using that material gets to use it until they’re done is about all you can do with children under three.
After three, it is *crucial* they learn to say “this is my work” or “I’m not done playing with this” and that the adult is around to make sure all other children respect that line. That’s part of learning independence. You cannot EVER expect a child to “just figure out” that they need to stand up for themself. It has always made my ears bleed to hear adults say “well they need to learn to do x for themself” when literally zero support in how-to is offered. The only thing most children learn when adults throw this kind of language around is “this adult doesn’t help me” and they usually figure out which adult with *do the thing for them* instead. So now they’ve not only not learned to solve their problems for themselves, they’ve found an adult who will solve their problems for them, which is reliance and not independence.
(The third is they learn that sometimes, they’ll be defeated and they just need to suck it up, even when it’s genuinely unfair. They will become an easy target for bullying, cuz everyone has taught them that that’s part of life. And I’m not kidding when I say that a huge draw into montessori for me was realizing how many adults did the third to me as a child and I was hopelessly incapable of standing up for myself into adulthood. Now I dare people to try to push me around, cuz I finally learned how to stand up for myself in my mid-20s *because a friend observed how I allowed others to push me around and told me what I needed to do and say*. No one believes me when I say I was always bullied as a kid and “just walked away” and this never worked but I never knew what else to do. I got into montessori in large part because children are taught from a very young age how to be respectful of others and how to stand up for themselves when they’re not being respected.)
TLDR: it’s never OK for children to take things from others that are using them. Very young children need your help in being their voice. Once they have the capacity to speak up for themselves, they need your help learning to say the correct thing and also making sure others listen to them.
Thank you! I do need to be his voice. Hope it’s not too late ! It’s so hard for me to find the balance between letting them be their human and interfering when following Montessori methods.
It's not too late. This commenter learned in her 20s. I learned in my 30s. One can always learn a new skill, and your kid won't remember life before you started teaching it. Presume his ability to learn once provided with the tools to do so.
Practice some boundary phrases in the mirror if you need to, that's what I did and it made it much easier to say it in the moment. I didn't have a friend show me, I sought out information online about how to phrase and deliver boundary statements and how to enforce them.
There are many paths up the mountain, and all of them require a guide of some kind. Find your guide/s so you can become one for your child.
If his language is there or as it progresses, I would change you telling the kid to telling your son “tell him you’re not done playing with that yet.” And maybe following up with “you can play when he is done”
Agreed even as an adult Seeing and Hearing others handle situations in context can be super helpful in figuring out how to do it yourself!
Or being given phrases. 100%
I'm glad you had your friend!
Literally “these people are walking all over you. Have you ever tried to tell them to stop?” To which I thought about it and realized that no, I had never used that word. Instead, I would just walk away, as I’d been taught. Said friend made me practice standing up for myself tons of times, doing a great job of imitating them and their exact words (and personalities). So, basically a grace and courtesy lesson, before I ever knew what grace and courtesy was 😂. We all need people like this in our lives!! That experience really did make me a totally different (and more competent) person.
you're lucky to have found that friend. in my experience people would rather take advantage of that so they can get away with things. i learner very late that walking away is not always the answer particularly with self assertion.
please forward those things you learned from that friend to others too. 😊
I guess that’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. A friend helps you with problems they notice you’re having while an acquaintance might see what they can get out of you due to you having this problem. We need more friends and people who support us!
Thank you for saying this.
My entire family had this view that I needed to learn by myself somehow. All this did was make me very sad because the other, pushy kids always got everything and I didn't. It led to even worse problems in school later as I was very quiet (ie, the "good" kid), and if I tried to assert myself (get loud, etc) I was then yelled at by the teacher!
Things snowballed. I'm an older adult now but still remember the bullying and how hard I had it.
Yeah. I think we’ve all been there. But I also think that my experience and reflection has helped me to better understand how to redirect both children and adults now. Can’t undue the dumb stuff that happened to us in the past, only change the future and help who we can.
Still, I knew it was the beginning of the end for me at a “montessori” school I was at when the lead told me that a seven year old girl’s dad told him that some bullying was happening by some of the boys (I quickly learned it was literally sexual assault) and that they had agreed she “needs to learn to ask the adult in the room for help” and therefore he was “just going to observe and wait and see what she does”. It’s one thing to provide some parent education (parents are doing the best they can with the tools they were given!); it’s something else entirely when the lead teacher doesn’t understand that it’s literally his job to intervene (sexual assault is illegal?!) and teach these skills as needed, as soon as he observes that they’re needed, not leave a girl that’s being sexually assaulted to “figure out” that she needs to go to the teacher *after she already went to her parents about it*
Tbh, it’s the same thing we do with the kids:
“You’re doing x. Please do y.”
Only usually it’s more like
“hey, I noticed that you [look down at your phone every time it’s my turn to talk]. I would really appreciate it if you [left your phone face down on the table so I know you’re not being distracted by that when I’m talking].”
^^ that’s the polite version. Sometimes you can “would you mind…?” and “please…” and sometimes it’s better to just be direct and lack that extra polite stuff.
Practice gets you a better feel of what’s appropriate. I’ve had people start talking about me, in front of me, in the language that we all speak and I just straight up say “it’s incredibly rude to talk about people like that. Stop now.”
The reality is that adults pretty much only get taken aback when they’re called out for bullying. I’ve never had adults say “oohhhh. Whatcha gunna do about it then, huh?!” Or anything along those lines. Eye rolls, sure, but the behavior still stops.
The reality that most bullies have no idea/don’t care how rude they are but will stop if you inform them that they’ve crossed a line.
I'm curious: do you think it's the same if the kiddo is totally unbothered by another kid taking a toy? My husband has been unsure what to do at playgroup if a kid takes something from our kid and she doesn't care. Sometimes she even smiles at the other kid because they're interacting with her, even if it's just to walk off with a toy she was holding. If she were bothered I think he'd find it easier to intervene. But does he intervene and like, help her realize she should be upset, or let her be happy? I've wondered if we just wait until she feels bothered.
Children are quick to develop coping strategies to mask their real feelings. By the time they reach me in elementary, they’ll smile/laugh about being punched in the face or shoved to the ground and even go back to the abuser to literally ask for more. I know this because it’s what I see every year. And I get parents saying things like “but he’s ok with it, so we’re not going to intervene”. As adults we can’t be ok with it and must intervene. When we don’t, we literally teach them that abuse is perfectly acceptable when it literally never is.
It’s not ok for littles to take things from others if they are still using them. Just because one child *seems* ok with it doesn’t mean we should allow it.
Aww! Thank you. I am literally trying to be the adult I wish *I* had around when I was a kid. I don’t get everything right, as literally no one does, but I do my best, which we need to remind ourselves is what every adult is striving for!
I should have clarified she's only 16 months old, I don't think she's masking, she really doesn't care. I'm pretty sure if she didn't like it, she would come to me or my husband for comfort. More we're figuring out if we wait for her to care when this happens, or do we basically teach her to get upset sooner rather than later.
i think one potential problem is she might get used to people taking things from when she has not decided whether she wants to hold onto a toy or not.
she might even start to learn that its ok for others to take the things because the people she trusts allowed it to be done.
Physical violence is harder because if the person being physically hurt isn’t able to use their words to tell the bully off and no one else is around to intervene (or, in your case, an adult literally encourages it), it basically becomes a matter of “punch back or keep being punched”. You really do learn that you’re just supposed to take it. Not good!
But I will assume you’re talking about asserting yourself against verbal bullies? (As an adult, remember that you can and should file assault charges against someone that’s physically hurting you. The ultimate way to make sure someone who’s physically violent learns that’s not something to be tolerated ever is to have the police remind them that’s illegal by handing them a ticket and have them go to court as a defendant)
If you’re not comfortable saying too many words, just name the action and tell them to stop. “You’re using rude language. Please stop”. “You just said xyz to me. Please stop”.
I think therapists like to teach “I statements” (“I feel xyz when you abc”) but I don’t like them when working with adults, cuz if they’ve gotten to adulthood and think their behavior is acceptable (they lack empathy…), they can use your “I statement” against you at a later date. It also takes a lot longer to say so many words when you can just tell them what they’re doing, tell them to stop, look at them, and let them process what you just said to them.
I’m not going to pretend this is a 100% perfect solution. I’d say it works 98% of the time. The more you assert yourself, the more “power” (confidence) you develop.
Also, I should just say, I know some people in their mid 20s who, due to their mental health diagnoses, think that they’re free to say and do whatever they want to anyone. But with them, I name their action, tell them to stop, and then accept that they’ve dug themself into a bad place (with the help of their therapist that they see 2x/week!!) instead of learning life skills and it’s not my job to help them. So in that case, I just make sure that I’m safe and the people around me are safe and let them have at it. Eventually they do get bored. (Normally, I’d say “just stay away from them” but in my case, it’s family members, so I generally avoid them but I can’t *always* avoid them)
Thank you so much, I'm going to use this! Whoever gets to work with you are lucky folk <3 I really appreciate you taking the time to explain so thoroughly.
Out of interest, as I have had the same issue as OP, I've tried this method but if the kids take it anyway I wouldn't feel comfortable then taking the toy from a child that isn't mind, and I find parents often don't intervene.
One told me, children need to "learn to share', which I don't agree with! But also not sure what to say if I then step in and the toy isn't returned.
In those situations I might just narrate for my son rather than going back for a confrontation. Something like “it looks like he’s having a hard time sharing, that’s too bad.” And redirect to a new toy. We can only escalate so far so at least this helps them know that what’s happening isn’t totally okay and that you’re there to validate the experience.
"Little one is using that right now, you can play with it when they're done." Pause, see if they give it back. Then repeat while gently taking the toy away if they don't on their own. Or say "Little one was playing with that. I'm going to take it back now. You can play with it when they're done." (While physically taking it back) Etc.
Luckily we've mostly run into parents with similar strategies. But I would respond to the parent you described, by saying yes, they need to learn to take turns. Little one isn't done with their turn yet.
This.
Also, because now my kid is the bigger kid, it doesn’t help enforce sharing if someone is going to constantly give up whatever they’re playing with or their mom says “it’s ok you can have it” and redirects. In fact, it’s incredibly frustrating because it immediately undermines me telling my kid “they’re playing with that, let’s go do something else”. Let your child continue playing. When you either want to leave or your child decides to play with something else, show them how to pass it off to the child who was waiting.
Thank you! You are right I hate confrontation so it’s easier for me to just walk away than deal with other people sometimes. But I will definitely show my boy how he can deal with this situation. I definitely started but so worried that I’m interfering too much. Hoping I’m not too late
I do this with my kids. 4 and 2. The 4 yo Wants something the 2 yo has and tries to come take it, I tell her no he’s playing with it, you can have it when he’s done. Or, the other way around
Your son sounds exactly like me, and I'm still this way at 26. Please, please teach your son to stand up for himself. l was brought up to be super polite, and every time someone takes advantage of me, my parents console me by telling me I'm the bigger person. As a result, I let people walk over me and end up being mad at both them and myself.
Omg are you me? I wish my parents would have helped me to stand up for myself in a healthy/respectful way. It would have made a big difference as I grew up
Yes, DBT and some other types of therapy are specifically designed to help us be assertive. I learned about boundaries in therapy which was a game changer! Also Terri Cole and her book Boundary Boss were so helpful understanding when to be assertive and not feel bad about it.
You need to model to him the behaviour you want him to display. Children of permissive/unassertive parents generally turn out the same.
Ways to model this - if another child approaches him and tries to take his toy, turn to the other child and say " X is using this at the moment, you can have it next."
If they physically take off your child then take it back and say the same.
Once your child is finished with the toy, hand it to the other child and say "thanks for waiting nicely!" With a big smile.
If another child is being rough to your child then you can put your arm between them or gently move the other child away. "We need to use our gentle hands".
If another child is persistently bothering your child then give the other parent a pointed look.
Once you model this in front of your child a few times start getting them to assert for themselves. One way is to show them how to hold up a hand and say something like "my turn."
I like this approach but this happened to my son today in music class. Another baby who was probably 12-18 months old came over and grabbed something right out of his hand. I tried to take it back but she refused to let go and I didn’t want to get into a tug of war with a baby! Her caretaker was watching but didn’t seem to want to intervene. My LO is 4 months old and didn’t care at all but I’m wondering the best way to handle something like this because I don’t feel like it’s appropriate for me to physically rip something out of a baby or toddler’s (or even a little kid’s) hands or physically fight over something and I’m not sure that I want to teach him to get in tugging matches in this situation either. Thoughts?
Ah yea I wouldn't be getting in a struggle with a small child if they don't want to give the toy up. Being honest, at 4 months your child won't understand or remember anyway xx
This technique is more for children 8 months +
When parents DON'T intervene, I basically decide not to make plans with them again. I can't imagine my daughter stealing a toy from a child and, if she didn't give it back on her own or after I reminded her to, me just letting her have it. This happens all the time, too! Drives me crazy. It's bad manners and bad parenting.
I am a gen x parent with a mill partner, so it's kind of wild over here. My question is when do you all feel is the proper age for children to sort it out amongst themselves? I am completely clueless when it comes to group activities.
I have zero idea lmao. I’m winging it right now with a 20 month old. Husb and I are both middle aged millennials, very intent on both not abusing/neglecting and enabling our children. I think when we see this sort of stuff, we will intervene when 1. It Gets him upset AND 2. he’s unable to sort the situation out himself, developmentally-wise.
I’ve read it’s good to let kids sort shit out, but they can’t until they can, you know?
I’ve found it’s dependent on their language skills. When my daughter was around 3 she had strong verbal skills and I could teach her how to advocate for herself at the playground and also how to take turns herself/not take other kids’ toys/give them space, etc.
Yes that's the main point I think... To assist them until they have the language and regulation to handle it on their own. I think this issue makes me so mad because I've realized how many parents are just out for their own comfort and their kids' immediate comfort and don't care much about others. It's annoying.
Totally. I am running into this issue lately. When my kid gets upset or hurt in a group setting she is very vocal about needing space to self regulate, which at home I always respect. And so many other kids struggle to give her space and insist on sitting near her on a bench or in the corner despite us both asking to back up and the parents are nowhere to be found or don’t correct the behavior. Very annoying.
That's an interesting question because it totally depends on the context. I think kids DO sort out a lot of things, or most things, themselves, when they're on the same page and both are generally able to (and one doesn't have O.D.D. or something like that). Montessori protocol is to name/narrate what's happening and not intervene typically. The only times I've ever expected another parent to step in is toy stealing (toddler age). I would expect it with hitting or biting too but that hasn't happened yet. To me that is also about etiquette and socialization, and it's pretty black and white compared to a lot of kid conflicts.
Me and my fiancé are baby millennials (94) and I absolutely was raised to be a people pleaser (boomer parents). with my son, I didn't really intervene if a kid took a toy away from him. I wish I would have even though he's 9 now, it took a minute for me to teach him that real friends would never treat you badly. He even called his bully a friend one time and I had to really give out examples so he would understand. Thankfully he does now and stands up for himself. My toddler daughter on the other hand... is a fireball and if she doesn't like something, she is not hesitant to tell you lol. She has three male cousins on her dad's side of the family and they're all close in age. The oldest is 3 and he took her toy from her, I didn't even have to say anything because she went to him and got her toy back. She wasn't rude or anything, she just took it back. If there's something my kids really want to play or even a toy they don't want to share, they don't have to share it. I'm still a people pleaser at almost 30 yrs old, but it is getting better.
The problem is, the other kids are not *stealing* a toy from OP's child. They are all swarming the toy box at once, and OP's son is holding back, and then not getting the toy he wants. Or getting off a toy, intending to change his play, but another child swoops in to use it. He is not then crying or expressing he is upset.
OP is highly attuned to what her son is trying to do, so she is aware he is sad. But the other parents are not.
My son was exactly the same at that age. Standing by watching but not actively getting the toy for himself. He would wait by until other kids finished and then swoop in to get the toy later.
I did not intervene directly for him but would say "you can ask if you can play with X too".
Over time he has learned to assert himself now and speak up about what he wants. He is 2.5 years old now and I was able to observe him telling kids blocking the slide at the playground "I want to go slide" and them letting him have a go.
I was the same as a child and remember my parents taking the total hands off approach which caused me to not learn how to speak up for myself much longer.
We do also model taking turns and him going to daycare has helped immense to provide the training ground for these social interactions.
Keep providing opportunities for him to practice and I am sure he will find ways to do this!
You're the one who is supposed to teach him how to assert himself. Model the behavior for him. 'Everyones picking toys, let's go pick a toy!" Encourage him to get up there and be close by him so he feels your security. He'll get there, don't worry about it too much 💓
You need to model the behavior you want him to emulate, let him see you politely but firmly intervene. He will eventually see and realize that it is acceptable AND produces good results most of the time. It will also highlight reactions, and how some kids/ppl will not like when you advocate for yourself and that is a THEM problem.
My son is 4 and he's still like this. He's just a VERY passive kid. I have tried to teach him to speak up and say "no, I was playing with that" or "I'm not done with that, you can have it when I'm done". He just...doesn't. What I do is I wait. I give him one chance to speak up and if he doesn't, I go talk to him and encourage him to do it. "I see that kid took that away from you when you weren't done. That's not how friends treat each other, is it? This is new to everyone, and you're all still learning how to share and take turns. Go tell them you weren't done and take it back. When you're done with your turn, they can have it. " And then I stand nearby while he tells the other kid. My presence is usually enough to get the kid to hand it back and I don't actually have to intervene for him. Plus he gains the confidence to do it on his own.
If another child takes something out of his hand or he was playing with, I definitely intervene. But in the case of getting the toys in the first place, I follow "first come first served" rules. Other children shouldn't be penalized because my child was slower to grab. AS LONG as the overall ages of the children are relatively close. Like, if my child was a 2 year old and the majority of the kids were 2-3 years older, then I "may" help give him an advantage 😉
It’s not wrong to support your child, especially when they’re that young. What is he learning from other kids pushing him around and no one even acknowledging it?
It's a tough situation, in my opinion. On one hand, you want to teach him manners and not to be selfish like the other kids are being (they are young!), but also you want him to find his voice and stand up for his needs.
When my son was young, he was also this way, and I'm a mama bear. But, what I ended up doing was creating scenarios at home with my husband where we would role model in real life sharing and taking situations and make sure to model each part. For example, at dinner my husband would grab the last food item. I would firmly but politely ask if I could have it as I was about to take it because he had his share and I was still hungry. I then showed appreciation for my husband when he relents, and he would respond like, 'oh, I didn't realize you wanted this - thank you for telling me!' A silly example but important to role model at home to show that you as adults have to solve problems like he does.
My son is 16 now. He's still a bit less vocal about his needs around peers, but has become better speaking up about the battles he does want to tackle. And at home, he shares his needs and wants with us. Teachers praise how polite and social he is.
I hope that makes sense and also helps!
My Montessori teachers taught us to intervene. They had a rule that was basically, a child who has a toy has it until they choose to be done with it, and you can’t take a toy from someone who is currently using it. So you can say, “he’s using this right now, you can have a turn when he is done.” Or if your kid wants something someone else has, it’s the same thing, she’s using that, when she decides she’s done you can have a turn, here are some other toys you can choose from. I know it’s hard, you wanted that toy. Etc.
It seems to be a good system.
I wouldn't intervene with another child yet, but I would start modeling and practicing it with your child at home. Play scenarios with stuffies and toys are very helpful practice so he can feel comfortable nicely asserting himself with kids. Look at kind, direct, age appropriate sentences he can say.
Our school taught my kids "That's mine" at 2, but they end up yelling it and it can start a fight.
At home, we talk about how it's okay to lose the toy initially. They can feel their feelings, take breaths to calm down, then politely ask for the toy back and tell the kid they will get it when their turn is done. If it escalates, they tell a grownup.
He is still so young and you should for sure help him learn how to navigate these situations. I would practice some scenarios at home with toys, for example pretend they are running up to grab the shaker eggs and then mimic how they have to do it fast or there will be none left. Then when you are in the situation remind him that it is about to happen and to make sure he grabs the eggs fast. You can even walk over and stand next to him, tell him to grab the eggs fast, and if he is just confused then you grab the eggs and hand it to him. If another kid comes over and interacts with the same toy you can either tell them to wait their turn until your child is done, or encouraging both kids to play together with the same toy. You can greet the other child and tell your child to also greet them and mimic asking to play together
When a kid steals his toy he’s playing with, I would step in. Both you kid and the kid that took the cart are still learning social interactions.
I would say to the other kid “[other kid], I don’t think [son] is done playing with that yet. [son], why don’t we play with it for another 5 minutes and then let [orher kid] have a turn?”
We address these things with a few steps.
1) I evaluate if there’s physical or serious emotional harm at stake. If so, no question, intervene immediately. These involve pushing, hitting, or insults or yelling.
2) if my child is attempting to manage the situation, I let them try, and ask her if she needs assistance. I usually don’t directly intervene unless specifically asked.
3) if she is not attempting to manage the situation, I leave it be (at the moment, read below)
4) whatever happens, I do a debrief later. On the way home, bedtime, etc. “earlier I noticed an issue with sharing the shovels. What was happening there?” I always ask, never providing unsolicited advice. I may ask “what did you want to happen?” Or “do you want to hear how I sometimes deal with that?”
5) if something has been happening, I may do a pre brief on the way to the place next time. “It seems like lots of kids take stuff. It’s okay if you want to keep it. And it’s okay to ask me for help.”
absolutely okay to intervene and be his voice! sometimes what helpful is i narrate what's going on in a neutral way and also use gentle boundaries
example: uh oh! ______ took the toy from you while you are still using it! let's ask for it back nicely. and then nicely ask the little one/their grown up. simple statements like "_____ is still using this toy! we will let you know when we are all done!" has been good for us too!
My daughter sounds very similar in nature to your child and I personally choose to intervene, firstly because I want her to know that she has a choice in these situations and she doesn’t have to stand by and let others do what they want at the expense of what she wants, and secondly because I want to model the behaviour that she should follow too - otherwise she will likely just follow the snatching behaviour if that’s what I’m technically modelling by not saying anything when someone snatches from her.
We were at a playgroup recently and my daughter was playing with a doll, she loves playing with dolls. She was fully immersed in her role play when another child walked over and just took the toy out of her hands. She didn’t cry or get angry, she just looked at me and looked a little sad. In my eyes, that look is saying ‘I don’t know what to do here but I don’t like how it made me feel’. I said to the other child ‘can we pass that one back please (daughters name) was playing with it, when she is finished you can have a turn, there are some other dolls here look’ and showed the child the toys.
I know some people don’t feel comfortable with doing this and feel it’s ‘telling off’ someone else’s child, but it’s really just standing up for your own child and showing them that where they might not have the words or ability, you do, and you can stand for the right thing on their behalf whilst modelling the best outcome to both kids in the situation. Snatching is so normal between kids, and it doesn’t make them ‘bad’, it’s just a lack of impulse control, but I think it’s okay to set the expectation as the adult in the situation and model the preferred outcome.
My LO is also quite timid. I stepped in mostly to model and normalize self advocacy. If I notice LO is very interested of something or is upset about being left out, I would ask if LO wants to try or take a turn and would approach other children and caretaker nicely asking if we could have a turn. Once LO started daycare full time, LO is still timid but got on really well.
My daughter is the same! I feel like if I don't intervene she feels a bit betrayed by me. In the moment I never know what to do fast enough though lol.
You could also practice at home where you role play that you’re another child trying to take a toy he’s playing with and then let him practice how he’d respond. Then reverse it and he tries to take something from you. Then you also can practice going and quickly grabbing an egg rattle toy instead of waiting for everyone and not getting a toy.
It's your job to teach him life skills (asserting his fair turn), and it's the job of the other kids' parents to teach them their own life skills (waiting to take a turn, asking nicely for a turn). Don't be shy about showing your son how to stand up for himself kindly
You have to say, so and so is still playing with that. You can have a turn after. Help him get a musical instrument. Encourage his confidence. It's OK to be gentle but don't teach him to be timid and a pushover. Babies need help building confidence, little kids need to be put in their place. They can't be acting beastly and trampling all over the little ones.
My daughter is 22 months and also generally stays out of the crowd and is pretty mild mannered with other kids. I think it’s absolutely appropriate to step in and help at this age, especially navigating situations with older kids.
For the egg shaker example, where kids are grabbing out of a communal bin, I would encourage my child to take one while others were too. I might also ask another (probably older, familiar) child if they would give her one. This sort of thing happens frequently in our family play class and usually one of the 3 or 4 year old children is willing to help. I think it’s also appropriate for you to grab the object for him in this scenario.
In the example where another kid takes something your kid isn’t done with, I typically say “oh! Kid is still using that. You can play with it when she is done!”
OK, I’d definitely intervene. Just reread this and it sounds like children are stealing toys or pushing their way when he is still playing. You can teach him how to stand up for himself by modeling it for him using language that he will learn to repeat. “Hi friend, I see you want to play with this. You can have it when I’m finished in 2 minutes. Please wait for your turn.” Etc.
Honestly I would have faith that he will assert himself as he gets older. My son was like your son. More reserved. Now he’s 3 and quite firmly asserts his wants and needs clearly and concisely with words far beyond his age group
Whenever someone would take something of his or do something rude. I didn’t intervene because that’s life. If he seemed upset I explained it to him. “That’s another young little boy, he was really interested in your toy and he didn’t know it is wrong to take something that’s not his. It’s okay to be disappointed. Let’s find a new toy.” I try to teach empathy for the other boy that is learning at a different pace and teach that his feelings are relevant and that he can overcome those feelings and move on all at once.
I have my ECE degree. A child being willing to fight for a toy is a sign of self confidence. I would practice standing up for himself and intervening. Sometimes children also need to see us showing correct ways to handle situations
My first was like this, and it took some assertive lessons from me to start to break him out of this shell. It's still a work in progress at 6 years old. He's just a very passive kid and would rather his own feelings be hurt than accidentally hurting someone else's feelings. However, it's my job as a parent to teach him that he has just as much right to public spaces and items as any of the other kids.
My best advice to you is to help him pick a toy out before the others get to that, reassure him that he's entitled to these things if he gets there first. At his age, sharing is not in the cards for development, which will mean it's likely not for the other kids either if they're anywhere near his age. True sharing capabilities, both "I share with you" and "you share with me" start to come in between ages 4-6 years old. Most kids will lean one way, heavily, until these ages. For those parents who have a more dominant child (I have one of those as well), it's our job to teach them that others exist, others matter, and others are just as entitled to these public things if they get there first. For those of us with the more passive child, it's our job to teach them that it's okay to take first if they're there and want something.
I would say to the other kid, it looks like you would like a turn with (x- whatever your child was playing with). You can say, hey can I have a turn? And when (your child) is done he will give it to you/ say, it’s your turn.
Teacher Tom’s blog might be interesting to you.
I would intervene and show him a healthy way to tell other kids that it is his turn and they can have it next. I think modeling appropriate behavior is best
If he was in grade school, maybe not. But he’s so young, he needs you to intervene! Model for him the types of things he could say/do to set boundaries/stand up for himself. Eventually he’ll start to do it on his own
Let's say you're in a coffee shop doing work on your laptop and someone comes up and picks it up from you and walks off with it. Do you not intervene? Why does the same respect not apply to a child?
By being his voice, you get to model how he can stand up for himself. That’s how he’ll learn it!
“He’s still using it. Would you like a turn when he’s done?” (Being done could be when you go home, doesn’t mean he has to immediately give a turn)
“Do you want a shaky egg? Let me help. ‘I want a shaky egg’” then grab one and hand it to him.
It can be tough to know how much to intervene. Some kids are naturally assertive, others aren’t. You’ve got this!
If you don’t teach him to stand up for himself, how will he learn? I’ve always gained confidence when I saw my parents and my then-boyfriend (now-husband) stand up for themselves or for me.
Never be worried to advocate for your kid! Youre teaching them how the world works and how to navigate those interactions. You can model it by stepping in and kindly saying "oh I'm sorry! LO is still playing with this. We will happily give it to you when we're done!" Or let it happen and talk to him after. "How did that make you feel? If you are still using something its okay to let them know!" And provide the tools/language they can use.
i would intervene. it's simple enough to say, he's still playing with that, you can have a turn when he's done. most kids and parents understand that. also and Idk how to word this nicely, it sounds like you're not very assertive yourself? so try extra hard to model this behavior more for him. say, I'm playing with this toy right now, to other kids for him until he can do it for himself. he'll learn how by watching you and learning how to take turns takes years
Young children need adults to help be their voice. Under three and there is little room to “reason”. “This is so and so’s work. You can have it when they are done” or “it looks like so and so is still using this. You can use it when they’re done” and then making sure the child who was using that material gets to use it until they’re done is about all you can do with children under three. After three, it is *crucial* they learn to say “this is my work” or “I’m not done playing with this” and that the adult is around to make sure all other children respect that line. That’s part of learning independence. You cannot EVER expect a child to “just figure out” that they need to stand up for themself. It has always made my ears bleed to hear adults say “well they need to learn to do x for themself” when literally zero support in how-to is offered. The only thing most children learn when adults throw this kind of language around is “this adult doesn’t help me” and they usually figure out which adult with *do the thing for them* instead. So now they’ve not only not learned to solve their problems for themselves, they’ve found an adult who will solve their problems for them, which is reliance and not independence. (The third is they learn that sometimes, they’ll be defeated and they just need to suck it up, even when it’s genuinely unfair. They will become an easy target for bullying, cuz everyone has taught them that that’s part of life. And I’m not kidding when I say that a huge draw into montessori for me was realizing how many adults did the third to me as a child and I was hopelessly incapable of standing up for myself into adulthood. Now I dare people to try to push me around, cuz I finally learned how to stand up for myself in my mid-20s *because a friend observed how I allowed others to push me around and told me what I needed to do and say*. No one believes me when I say I was always bullied as a kid and “just walked away” and this never worked but I never knew what else to do. I got into montessori in large part because children are taught from a very young age how to be respectful of others and how to stand up for themselves when they’re not being respected.) TLDR: it’s never OK for children to take things from others that are using them. Very young children need your help in being their voice. Once they have the capacity to speak up for themselves, they need your help learning to say the correct thing and also making sure others listen to them.
Thank you! I do need to be his voice. Hope it’s not too late ! It’s so hard for me to find the balance between letting them be their human and interfering when following Montessori methods.
It's not too late. This commenter learned in her 20s. I learned in my 30s. One can always learn a new skill, and your kid won't remember life before you started teaching it. Presume his ability to learn once provided with the tools to do so. Practice some boundary phrases in the mirror if you need to, that's what I did and it made it much easier to say it in the moment. I didn't have a friend show me, I sought out information online about how to phrase and deliver boundary statements and how to enforce them. There are many paths up the mountain, and all of them require a guide of some kind. Find your guide/s so you can become one for your child.
If his language is there or as it progresses, I would change you telling the kid to telling your son “tell him you’re not done playing with that yet.” And maybe following up with “you can play when he is done”
Agreed and at this age I would simplify further to “my turn”
It’s never too late.
Agreed even as an adult Seeing and Hearing others handle situations in context can be super helpful in figuring out how to do it yourself! Or being given phrases. 100% I'm glad you had your friend!
What advice did your friend give you that was helpful?
Literally “these people are walking all over you. Have you ever tried to tell them to stop?” To which I thought about it and realized that no, I had never used that word. Instead, I would just walk away, as I’d been taught. Said friend made me practice standing up for myself tons of times, doing a great job of imitating them and their exact words (and personalities). So, basically a grace and courtesy lesson, before I ever knew what grace and courtesy was 😂. We all need people like this in our lives!! That experience really did make me a totally different (and more competent) person.
What a wonderful friend
you're lucky to have found that friend. in my experience people would rather take advantage of that so they can get away with things. i learner very late that walking away is not always the answer particularly with self assertion. please forward those things you learned from that friend to others too. 😊
I guess that’s the difference between a friend and an acquaintance. A friend helps you with problems they notice you’re having while an acquaintance might see what they can get out of you due to you having this problem. We need more friends and people who support us!
Thank you for saying this. My entire family had this view that I needed to learn by myself somehow. All this did was make me very sad because the other, pushy kids always got everything and I didn't. It led to even worse problems in school later as I was very quiet (ie, the "good" kid), and if I tried to assert myself (get loud, etc) I was then yelled at by the teacher! Things snowballed. I'm an older adult now but still remember the bullying and how hard I had it.
Yeah. I think we’ve all been there. But I also think that my experience and reflection has helped me to better understand how to redirect both children and adults now. Can’t undue the dumb stuff that happened to us in the past, only change the future and help who we can. Still, I knew it was the beginning of the end for me at a “montessori” school I was at when the lead told me that a seven year old girl’s dad told him that some bullying was happening by some of the boys (I quickly learned it was literally sexual assault) and that they had agreed she “needs to learn to ask the adult in the room for help” and therefore he was “just going to observe and wait and see what she does”. It’s one thing to provide some parent education (parents are doing the best they can with the tools they were given!); it’s something else entirely when the lead teacher doesn’t understand that it’s literally his job to intervene (sexual assault is illegal?!) and teach these skills as needed, as soon as he observes that they’re needed, not leave a girl that’s being sexually assaulted to “figure out” that she needs to go to the teacher *after she already went to her parents about it*
What do you do/say when people push you around as an adult? I’ve always had problems with this happening to me.
Tbh, it’s the same thing we do with the kids: “You’re doing x. Please do y.” Only usually it’s more like “hey, I noticed that you [look down at your phone every time it’s my turn to talk]. I would really appreciate it if you [left your phone face down on the table so I know you’re not being distracted by that when I’m talking].” ^^ that’s the polite version. Sometimes you can “would you mind…?” and “please…” and sometimes it’s better to just be direct and lack that extra polite stuff. Practice gets you a better feel of what’s appropriate. I’ve had people start talking about me, in front of me, in the language that we all speak and I just straight up say “it’s incredibly rude to talk about people like that. Stop now.” The reality is that adults pretty much only get taken aback when they’re called out for bullying. I’ve never had adults say “oohhhh. Whatcha gunna do about it then, huh?!” Or anything along those lines. Eye rolls, sure, but the behavior still stops. The reality that most bullies have no idea/don’t care how rude they are but will stop if you inform them that they’ve crossed a line.
This is really helpful! Lol, if someone said “Oohhhh. Whatcha gonna do about it then, huh?!” that would actually be hilarious
I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time to write this. This is such a clear and helpful comment and I really appreciate it.
I'm curious: do you think it's the same if the kiddo is totally unbothered by another kid taking a toy? My husband has been unsure what to do at playgroup if a kid takes something from our kid and she doesn't care. Sometimes she even smiles at the other kid because they're interacting with her, even if it's just to walk off with a toy she was holding. If she were bothered I think he'd find it easier to intervene. But does he intervene and like, help her realize she should be upset, or let her be happy? I've wondered if we just wait until she feels bothered.
Children are quick to develop coping strategies to mask their real feelings. By the time they reach me in elementary, they’ll smile/laugh about being punched in the face or shoved to the ground and even go back to the abuser to literally ask for more. I know this because it’s what I see every year. And I get parents saying things like “but he’s ok with it, so we’re not going to intervene”. As adults we can’t be ok with it and must intervene. When we don’t, we literally teach them that abuse is perfectly acceptable when it literally never is. It’s not ok for littles to take things from others if they are still using them. Just because one child *seems* ok with it doesn’t mean we should allow it.
I wish I had an adult like you around when I was a kid
Aww! Thank you. I am literally trying to be the adult I wish *I* had around when I was a kid. I don’t get everything right, as literally no one does, but I do my best, which we need to remind ourselves is what every adult is striving for!
I should have clarified she's only 16 months old, I don't think she's masking, she really doesn't care. I'm pretty sure if she didn't like it, she would come to me or my husband for comfort. More we're figuring out if we wait for her to care when this happens, or do we basically teach her to get upset sooner rather than later.
i think one potential problem is she might get used to people taking things from when she has not decided whether she wants to hold onto a toy or not. she might even start to learn that its ok for others to take the things because the people she trusts allowed it to be done.
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Physical violence is harder because if the person being physically hurt isn’t able to use their words to tell the bully off and no one else is around to intervene (or, in your case, an adult literally encourages it), it basically becomes a matter of “punch back or keep being punched”. You really do learn that you’re just supposed to take it. Not good! But I will assume you’re talking about asserting yourself against verbal bullies? (As an adult, remember that you can and should file assault charges against someone that’s physically hurting you. The ultimate way to make sure someone who’s physically violent learns that’s not something to be tolerated ever is to have the police remind them that’s illegal by handing them a ticket and have them go to court as a defendant) If you’re not comfortable saying too many words, just name the action and tell them to stop. “You’re using rude language. Please stop”. “You just said xyz to me. Please stop”. I think therapists like to teach “I statements” (“I feel xyz when you abc”) but I don’t like them when working with adults, cuz if they’ve gotten to adulthood and think their behavior is acceptable (they lack empathy…), they can use your “I statement” against you at a later date. It also takes a lot longer to say so many words when you can just tell them what they’re doing, tell them to stop, look at them, and let them process what you just said to them. I’m not going to pretend this is a 100% perfect solution. I’d say it works 98% of the time. The more you assert yourself, the more “power” (confidence) you develop. Also, I should just say, I know some people in their mid 20s who, due to their mental health diagnoses, think that they’re free to say and do whatever they want to anyone. But with them, I name their action, tell them to stop, and then accept that they’ve dug themself into a bad place (with the help of their therapist that they see 2x/week!!) instead of learning life skills and it’s not my job to help them. So in that case, I just make sure that I’m safe and the people around me are safe and let them have at it. Eventually they do get bored. (Normally, I’d say “just stay away from them” but in my case, it’s family members, so I generally avoid them but I can’t *always* avoid them)
Thank you so much, I'm going to use this! Whoever gets to work with you are lucky folk <3 I really appreciate you taking the time to explain so thoroughly.
Out of interest, as I have had the same issue as OP, I've tried this method but if the kids take it anyway I wouldn't feel comfortable then taking the toy from a child that isn't mind, and I find parents often don't intervene. One told me, children need to "learn to share', which I don't agree with! But also not sure what to say if I then step in and the toy isn't returned.
In those situations I might just narrate for my son rather than going back for a confrontation. Something like “it looks like he’s having a hard time sharing, that’s too bad.” And redirect to a new toy. We can only escalate so far so at least this helps them know that what’s happening isn’t totally okay and that you’re there to validate the experience.
"Little one is using that right now, you can play with it when they're done." Pause, see if they give it back. Then repeat while gently taking the toy away if they don't on their own. Or say "Little one was playing with that. I'm going to take it back now. You can play with it when they're done." (While physically taking it back) Etc. Luckily we've mostly run into parents with similar strategies. But I would respond to the parent you described, by saying yes, they need to learn to take turns. Little one isn't done with their turn yet.
This. Also, because now my kid is the bigger kid, it doesn’t help enforce sharing if someone is going to constantly give up whatever they’re playing with or their mom says “it’s ok you can have it” and redirects. In fact, it’s incredibly frustrating because it immediately undermines me telling my kid “they’re playing with that, let’s go do something else”. Let your child continue playing. When you either want to leave or your child decides to play with something else, show them how to pass it off to the child who was waiting.
Thank you! You are right I hate confrontation so it’s easier for me to just walk away than deal with other people sometimes. But I will definitely show my boy how he can deal with this situation. I definitely started but so worried that I’m interfering too much. Hoping I’m not too late
This will be one of the smallest, easiest times in your child's life when they need you to be strong and stand up for them.
It's never too late!
I do this with my kids. 4 and 2. The 4 yo Wants something the 2 yo has and tries to come take it, I tell her no he’s playing with it, you can have it when he’s done. Or, the other way around
Your son sounds exactly like me, and I'm still this way at 26. Please, please teach your son to stand up for himself. l was brought up to be super polite, and every time someone takes advantage of me, my parents console me by telling me I'm the bigger person. As a result, I let people walk over me and end up being mad at both them and myself.
Oh hello me
Omg are you me? I wish my parents would have helped me to stand up for myself in a healthy/respectful way. It would have made a big difference as I grew up
Therapy is a great effective way to improve our own behavior, just throwing it out there
Yes, DBT and some other types of therapy are specifically designed to help us be assertive. I learned about boundaries in therapy which was a game changer! Also Terri Cole and her book Boundary Boss were so helpful understanding when to be assertive and not feel bad about it.
You need to model to him the behaviour you want him to display. Children of permissive/unassertive parents generally turn out the same. Ways to model this - if another child approaches him and tries to take his toy, turn to the other child and say " X is using this at the moment, you can have it next." If they physically take off your child then take it back and say the same. Once your child is finished with the toy, hand it to the other child and say "thanks for waiting nicely!" With a big smile. If another child is being rough to your child then you can put your arm between them or gently move the other child away. "We need to use our gentle hands". If another child is persistently bothering your child then give the other parent a pointed look. Once you model this in front of your child a few times start getting them to assert for themselves. One way is to show them how to hold up a hand and say something like "my turn."
I like this approach but this happened to my son today in music class. Another baby who was probably 12-18 months old came over and grabbed something right out of his hand. I tried to take it back but she refused to let go and I didn’t want to get into a tug of war with a baby! Her caretaker was watching but didn’t seem to want to intervene. My LO is 4 months old and didn’t care at all but I’m wondering the best way to handle something like this because I don’t feel like it’s appropriate for me to physically rip something out of a baby or toddler’s (or even a little kid’s) hands or physically fight over something and I’m not sure that I want to teach him to get in tugging matches in this situation either. Thoughts?
Ah yea I wouldn't be getting in a struggle with a small child if they don't want to give the toy up. Being honest, at 4 months your child won't understand or remember anyway xx This technique is more for children 8 months +
When parents DON'T intervene, I basically decide not to make plans with them again. I can't imagine my daughter stealing a toy from a child and, if she didn't give it back on her own or after I reminded her to, me just letting her have it. This happens all the time, too! Drives me crazy. It's bad manners and bad parenting.
Yup. The gen x and older millennial permissive parenting thing is really bad.
I am a gen x parent with a mill partner, so it's kind of wild over here. My question is when do you all feel is the proper age for children to sort it out amongst themselves? I am completely clueless when it comes to group activities.
I have zero idea lmao. I’m winging it right now with a 20 month old. Husb and I are both middle aged millennials, very intent on both not abusing/neglecting and enabling our children. I think when we see this sort of stuff, we will intervene when 1. It Gets him upset AND 2. he’s unable to sort the situation out himself, developmentally-wise. I’ve read it’s good to let kids sort shit out, but they can’t until they can, you know?
Yeah, I think that's important to keep in mind, appreciate it!
I’ve found it’s dependent on their language skills. When my daughter was around 3 she had strong verbal skills and I could teach her how to advocate for herself at the playground and also how to take turns herself/not take other kids’ toys/give them space, etc.
Yes that's the main point I think... To assist them until they have the language and regulation to handle it on their own. I think this issue makes me so mad because I've realized how many parents are just out for their own comfort and their kids' immediate comfort and don't care much about others. It's annoying.
Totally. I am running into this issue lately. When my kid gets upset or hurt in a group setting she is very vocal about needing space to self regulate, which at home I always respect. And so many other kids struggle to give her space and insist on sitting near her on a bench or in the corner despite us both asking to back up and the parents are nowhere to be found or don’t correct the behavior. Very annoying.
That's an interesting question because it totally depends on the context. I think kids DO sort out a lot of things, or most things, themselves, when they're on the same page and both are generally able to (and one doesn't have O.D.D. or something like that). Montessori protocol is to name/narrate what's happening and not intervene typically. The only times I've ever expected another parent to step in is toy stealing (toddler age). I would expect it with hitting or biting too but that hasn't happened yet. To me that is also about etiquette and socialization, and it's pretty black and white compared to a lot of kid conflicts.
Me and my fiancé are baby millennials (94) and I absolutely was raised to be a people pleaser (boomer parents). with my son, I didn't really intervene if a kid took a toy away from him. I wish I would have even though he's 9 now, it took a minute for me to teach him that real friends would never treat you badly. He even called his bully a friend one time and I had to really give out examples so he would understand. Thankfully he does now and stands up for himself. My toddler daughter on the other hand... is a fireball and if she doesn't like something, she is not hesitant to tell you lol. She has three male cousins on her dad's side of the family and they're all close in age. The oldest is 3 and he took her toy from her, I didn't even have to say anything because she went to him and got her toy back. She wasn't rude or anything, she just took it back. If there's something my kids really want to play or even a toy they don't want to share, they don't have to share it. I'm still a people pleaser at almost 30 yrs old, but it is getting better.
Generational generalizations are not productive.
The problem is, the other kids are not *stealing* a toy from OP's child. They are all swarming the toy box at once, and OP's son is holding back, and then not getting the toy he wants. Or getting off a toy, intending to change his play, but another child swoops in to use it. He is not then crying or expressing he is upset. OP is highly attuned to what her son is trying to do, so she is aware he is sad. But the other parents are not.
I was just selfishly commenting on my own experiences with this :) It's come up a lot lately.
My son was exactly the same at that age. Standing by watching but not actively getting the toy for himself. He would wait by until other kids finished and then swoop in to get the toy later. I did not intervene directly for him but would say "you can ask if you can play with X too". Over time he has learned to assert himself now and speak up about what he wants. He is 2.5 years old now and I was able to observe him telling kids blocking the slide at the playground "I want to go slide" and them letting him have a go. I was the same as a child and remember my parents taking the total hands off approach which caused me to not learn how to speak up for myself much longer. We do also model taking turns and him going to daycare has helped immense to provide the training ground for these social interactions. Keep providing opportunities for him to practice and I am sure he will find ways to do this!
You're the one who is supposed to teach him how to assert himself. Model the behavior for him. 'Everyones picking toys, let's go pick a toy!" Encourage him to get up there and be close by him so he feels your security. He'll get there, don't worry about it too much 💓
20 months is young enough to intervene.
You need to model the behavior you want him to emulate, let him see you politely but firmly intervene. He will eventually see and realize that it is acceptable AND produces good results most of the time. It will also highlight reactions, and how some kids/ppl will not like when you advocate for yourself and that is a THEM problem.
My son is 4 and he's still like this. He's just a VERY passive kid. I have tried to teach him to speak up and say "no, I was playing with that" or "I'm not done with that, you can have it when I'm done". He just...doesn't. What I do is I wait. I give him one chance to speak up and if he doesn't, I go talk to him and encourage him to do it. "I see that kid took that away from you when you weren't done. That's not how friends treat each other, is it? This is new to everyone, and you're all still learning how to share and take turns. Go tell them you weren't done and take it back. When you're done with your turn, they can have it. " And then I stand nearby while he tells the other kid. My presence is usually enough to get the kid to hand it back and I don't actually have to intervene for him. Plus he gains the confidence to do it on his own.
If another child takes something out of his hand or he was playing with, I definitely intervene. But in the case of getting the toys in the first place, I follow "first come first served" rules. Other children shouldn't be penalized because my child was slower to grab. AS LONG as the overall ages of the children are relatively close. Like, if my child was a 2 year old and the majority of the kids were 2-3 years older, then I "may" help give him an advantage 😉
He is 20 months old… wait until he is 3. You should gently help him.
It’s not wrong to support your child, especially when they’re that young. What is he learning from other kids pushing him around and no one even acknowledging it?
It's a tough situation, in my opinion. On one hand, you want to teach him manners and not to be selfish like the other kids are being (they are young!), but also you want him to find his voice and stand up for his needs. When my son was young, he was also this way, and I'm a mama bear. But, what I ended up doing was creating scenarios at home with my husband where we would role model in real life sharing and taking situations and make sure to model each part. For example, at dinner my husband would grab the last food item. I would firmly but politely ask if I could have it as I was about to take it because he had his share and I was still hungry. I then showed appreciation for my husband when he relents, and he would respond like, 'oh, I didn't realize you wanted this - thank you for telling me!' A silly example but important to role model at home to show that you as adults have to solve problems like he does. My son is 16 now. He's still a bit less vocal about his needs around peers, but has become better speaking up about the battles he does want to tackle. And at home, he shares his needs and wants with us. Teachers praise how polite and social he is. I hope that makes sense and also helps!
Oh, this is a great idea!
My Montessori teachers taught us to intervene. They had a rule that was basically, a child who has a toy has it until they choose to be done with it, and you can’t take a toy from someone who is currently using it. So you can say, “he’s using this right now, you can have a turn when he is done.” Or if your kid wants something someone else has, it’s the same thing, she’s using that, when she decides she’s done you can have a turn, here are some other toys you can choose from. I know it’s hard, you wanted that toy. Etc. It seems to be a good system.
I wouldn't intervene with another child yet, but I would start modeling and practicing it with your child at home. Play scenarios with stuffies and toys are very helpful practice so he can feel comfortable nicely asserting himself with kids. Look at kind, direct, age appropriate sentences he can say. Our school taught my kids "That's mine" at 2, but they end up yelling it and it can start a fight. At home, we talk about how it's okay to lose the toy initially. They can feel their feelings, take breaths to calm down, then politely ask for the toy back and tell the kid they will get it when their turn is done. If it escalates, they tell a grownup.
He is still so young and you should for sure help him learn how to navigate these situations. I would practice some scenarios at home with toys, for example pretend they are running up to grab the shaker eggs and then mimic how they have to do it fast or there will be none left. Then when you are in the situation remind him that it is about to happen and to make sure he grabs the eggs fast. You can even walk over and stand next to him, tell him to grab the eggs fast, and if he is just confused then you grab the eggs and hand it to him. If another kid comes over and interacts with the same toy you can either tell them to wait their turn until your child is done, or encouraging both kids to play together with the same toy. You can greet the other child and tell your child to also greet them and mimic asking to play together
Model for him how to assert himself if you feel that’s something important
Tell your son to go get his toy back
I usually say “Hey he’s playing with that right now, you can take a turn when he’s done. Thanks!”
When a kid steals his toy he’s playing with, I would step in. Both you kid and the kid that took the cart are still learning social interactions. I would say to the other kid “[other kid], I don’t think [son] is done playing with that yet. [son], why don’t we play with it for another 5 minutes and then let [orher kid] have a turn?”
We address these things with a few steps. 1) I evaluate if there’s physical or serious emotional harm at stake. If so, no question, intervene immediately. These involve pushing, hitting, or insults or yelling. 2) if my child is attempting to manage the situation, I let them try, and ask her if she needs assistance. I usually don’t directly intervene unless specifically asked. 3) if she is not attempting to manage the situation, I leave it be (at the moment, read below) 4) whatever happens, I do a debrief later. On the way home, bedtime, etc. “earlier I noticed an issue with sharing the shovels. What was happening there?” I always ask, never providing unsolicited advice. I may ask “what did you want to happen?” Or “do you want to hear how I sometimes deal with that?” 5) if something has been happening, I may do a pre brief on the way to the place next time. “It seems like lots of kids take stuff. It’s okay if you want to keep it. And it’s okay to ask me for help.”
absolutely okay to intervene and be his voice! sometimes what helpful is i narrate what's going on in a neutral way and also use gentle boundaries example: uh oh! ______ took the toy from you while you are still using it! let's ask for it back nicely. and then nicely ask the little one/their grown up. simple statements like "_____ is still using this toy! we will let you know when we are all done!" has been good for us too!
My daughter sounds very similar in nature to your child and I personally choose to intervene, firstly because I want her to know that she has a choice in these situations and she doesn’t have to stand by and let others do what they want at the expense of what she wants, and secondly because I want to model the behaviour that she should follow too - otherwise she will likely just follow the snatching behaviour if that’s what I’m technically modelling by not saying anything when someone snatches from her. We were at a playgroup recently and my daughter was playing with a doll, she loves playing with dolls. She was fully immersed in her role play when another child walked over and just took the toy out of her hands. She didn’t cry or get angry, she just looked at me and looked a little sad. In my eyes, that look is saying ‘I don’t know what to do here but I don’t like how it made me feel’. I said to the other child ‘can we pass that one back please (daughters name) was playing with it, when she is finished you can have a turn, there are some other dolls here look’ and showed the child the toys. I know some people don’t feel comfortable with doing this and feel it’s ‘telling off’ someone else’s child, but it’s really just standing up for your own child and showing them that where they might not have the words or ability, you do, and you can stand for the right thing on their behalf whilst modelling the best outcome to both kids in the situation. Snatching is so normal between kids, and it doesn’t make them ‘bad’, it’s just a lack of impulse control, but I think it’s okay to set the expectation as the adult in the situation and model the preferred outcome.
My LO is also quite timid. I stepped in mostly to model and normalize self advocacy. If I notice LO is very interested of something or is upset about being left out, I would ask if LO wants to try or take a turn and would approach other children and caretaker nicely asking if we could have a turn. Once LO started daycare full time, LO is still timid but got on really well.
My daughter is the same! I feel like if I don't intervene she feels a bit betrayed by me. In the moment I never know what to do fast enough though lol.
You could also practice at home where you role play that you’re another child trying to take a toy he’s playing with and then let him practice how he’d respond. Then reverse it and he tries to take something from you. Then you also can practice going and quickly grabbing an egg rattle toy instead of waiting for everyone and not getting a toy.
It's your job to teach him life skills (asserting his fair turn), and it's the job of the other kids' parents to teach them their own life skills (waiting to take a turn, asking nicely for a turn). Don't be shy about showing your son how to stand up for himself kindly
You have to say, so and so is still playing with that. You can have a turn after. Help him get a musical instrument. Encourage his confidence. It's OK to be gentle but don't teach him to be timid and a pushover. Babies need help building confidence, little kids need to be put in their place. They can't be acting beastly and trampling all over the little ones.
My daughter is 22 months and also generally stays out of the crowd and is pretty mild mannered with other kids. I think it’s absolutely appropriate to step in and help at this age, especially navigating situations with older kids. For the egg shaker example, where kids are grabbing out of a communal bin, I would encourage my child to take one while others were too. I might also ask another (probably older, familiar) child if they would give her one. This sort of thing happens frequently in our family play class and usually one of the 3 or 4 year old children is willing to help. I think it’s also appropriate for you to grab the object for him in this scenario. In the example where another kid takes something your kid isn’t done with, I typically say “oh! Kid is still using that. You can play with it when she is done!”
OK, I’d definitely intervene. Just reread this and it sounds like children are stealing toys or pushing their way when he is still playing. You can teach him how to stand up for himself by modeling it for him using language that he will learn to repeat. “Hi friend, I see you want to play with this. You can have it when I’m finished in 2 minutes. Please wait for your turn.” Etc.
Honestly I would have faith that he will assert himself as he gets older. My son was like your son. More reserved. Now he’s 3 and quite firmly asserts his wants and needs clearly and concisely with words far beyond his age group Whenever someone would take something of his or do something rude. I didn’t intervene because that’s life. If he seemed upset I explained it to him. “That’s another young little boy, he was really interested in your toy and he didn’t know it is wrong to take something that’s not his. It’s okay to be disappointed. Let’s find a new toy.” I try to teach empathy for the other boy that is learning at a different pace and teach that his feelings are relevant and that he can overcome those feelings and move on all at once.
What is LO?
Little one
Intervene. Because he isn't learning. He needs to are this in action.
I have my ECE degree. A child being willing to fight for a toy is a sign of self confidence. I would practice standing up for himself and intervening. Sometimes children also need to see us showing correct ways to handle situations
My first was like this, and it took some assertive lessons from me to start to break him out of this shell. It's still a work in progress at 6 years old. He's just a very passive kid and would rather his own feelings be hurt than accidentally hurting someone else's feelings. However, it's my job as a parent to teach him that he has just as much right to public spaces and items as any of the other kids. My best advice to you is to help him pick a toy out before the others get to that, reassure him that he's entitled to these things if he gets there first. At his age, sharing is not in the cards for development, which will mean it's likely not for the other kids either if they're anywhere near his age. True sharing capabilities, both "I share with you" and "you share with me" start to come in between ages 4-6 years old. Most kids will lean one way, heavily, until these ages. For those parents who have a more dominant child (I have one of those as well), it's our job to teach them that others exist, others matter, and others are just as entitled to these public things if they get there first. For those of us with the more passive child, it's our job to teach them that it's okay to take first if they're there and want something.
Do you stand up for yourself and model self-confidence and self-worth? Children have mirror neurons in their brain.
You need to model for him what it means to be assertive while not being mean about it.
I would say to the other kid, it looks like you would like a turn with (x- whatever your child was playing with). You can say, hey can I have a turn? And when (your child) is done he will give it to you/ say, it’s your turn. Teacher Tom’s blog might be interesting to you.
I would intervene and show him a healthy way to tell other kids that it is his turn and they can have it next. I think modeling appropriate behavior is best
If he was in grade school, maybe not. But he’s so young, he needs you to intervene! Model for him the types of things he could say/do to set boundaries/stand up for himself. Eventually he’ll start to do it on his own
I never know how to handle this, either. There's some great suggestions here. Thanks for asking the question
Let's say you're in a coffee shop doing work on your laptop and someone comes up and picks it up from you and walks off with it. Do you not intervene? Why does the same respect not apply to a child?
By being his voice, you get to model how he can stand up for himself. That’s how he’ll learn it! “He’s still using it. Would you like a turn when he’s done?” (Being done could be when you go home, doesn’t mean he has to immediately give a turn) “Do you want a shaky egg? Let me help. ‘I want a shaky egg’” then grab one and hand it to him. It can be tough to know how much to intervene. Some kids are naturally assertive, others aren’t. You’ve got this!
If you don’t teach him to stand up for himself, how will he learn? I’ve always gained confidence when I saw my parents and my then-boyfriend (now-husband) stand up for themselves or for me.
Never be worried to advocate for your kid! Youre teaching them how the world works and how to navigate those interactions. You can model it by stepping in and kindly saying "oh I'm sorry! LO is still playing with this. We will happily give it to you when we're done!" Or let it happen and talk to him after. "How did that make you feel? If you are still using something its okay to let them know!" And provide the tools/language they can use.