Significantly, at least Salties are. Those are the ones that Steve Irwin was famous for working with. They far outgrow gators, and actively hunt humans as food.
You could be having lunch by any small body of water in Florida and a child or pet could be attacked in the blink of an eye by these things. Wrestling gators is a thing.
Yes, those are pretty fast, with paws strong enough to pull huge animals. Being on its back will be a hell of a ride.
A decade or so ago I hired a licensed gator “removal & relocation” company to get several gators out of an industrial pond in the south. It ended up being one guy named Jack with a pickup truck, Jon boat, steaks on big treble hooks and a revolver. He’d snare the gators with the steaks and hooks, then pull up along side them in the Jon boat. If they were longer than the boat (~9 ft), jack said he’d shoot them because they were too dangerous to handle.
If they were shorter than the boat he’d tow them to shore which was where it ended up getting exciting for me. I stood nearby and watched Jack pull the first one up on the bank, intending to play the role of a witness ready to call 911. This gator did not seem happy about being hooked and pulled across a pond. Jack tossed a wet towel on the gator’s head and jumped right on top of its back with zero hesitation. The gator was as big or bigger than Jack and it surprised me by really only writhing side to side and not rolling. Jack held its mouth closed with both hands and yelled for me to grab the tape from the boat. I didn’t know I was supposed to be participating, but it didn’t feel like it was a good time to discuss the exact scope of work I had hired Jack to perform, so I grabbed the roll of electrical tape and tried to hand it to him and he instead lifted the gators head and yelled “10 wraps!” I frantically wrapped the tape 10 times around this gators mouth while I could feel its breath on my arms. After probably 15 wraps I scrambled away and Jack dismounted the gator. We then lifted it into his truck and he pretty carefully went about removing the hook from its mouth and secured it to haul to a nearby state conservation area.
We pulled 5 more live gators out that afternoon and to this day I don’t understand how it went so smoothly. My only role was taping and lifting, but this guy Jack made the entire process look easy.
So yeah, I’ll take gator and I’d like to request a towel and a roll of electrical tape.
True, but one must also remember that while you’re holding the jaws shut, the rest of the 350-500 kg (440-1,100 lb) reptile’s body is free to move about however it pleases.
That’s why you see the people who wrestle them down on YouTube get on top of the gator’s back. They can hold the mouth shut and prevent a lot of the flailing it would otherwise do.
If it’s just one person and like a 10-12 foot gator it would be be pretty hard to keep it still/not get whipped by its tail. Usually with ones that large you see 2-3 people jump it at once
Very true. It all depends on what Gator you’re going after but unlike with the others it is possible for a single person to wrestle down a Gator.
Good luck even trying to do that with the others lol
Or use your shirt or something to tie their mouth shut. Bear and tiger have claws even if you do tie their mouth shut, and good luck wrapping anything around a hippo mouth.
I've heard alligators and crocodiles are like black bears and grizzly bears. Super chill and not really bothersome to humans (as long as you leave them alone vs very super dangerous to humans
100% the alligator.
Alligator wresting is a roadside attraction & sport. Which means it’s doable.
Trying to fight any of the others would be a blood sport or straight up feeding time.
It's interesting to consider how they arrived at that point.
Some herbivores eat things that don't run but are very good at running. The other school of herbivore is to be bad at running (but it doesn't matter because plants can't flee) and use all their energy being too tough to mess with.
Humans ate a bunch of the latter because we figured out tools but rhinos and hippos grew up in the same neighborhood while we were figuring that out and their solution was to be mad all the time so we couldn't pull anything sneaky on them.
For the gator you just have to clamp its mouth shut or stand on it. They have a lot of bite down strength but not a lot of opening their mouth strength so it’s relatively easy to keep their mouth shut so it can’t bite you.
With a gator, so long as you can keep your limbs out of its mouth you should be fine. Hell, you should be able to keep its mouth shut pretty easily, too; their jaws are much better at closing than opening. Failing that, you can probably just get on its back and avoid the rest of it.
It doesn't say anything about fighting any of them, though.
Bears aren't always aggressive to people, it mostly depends on the season, and whether it's a momma bear with cubs nearby.
Hippos and Tigers, wouldn't risk it at all.
Gators also aren't terribly aggressive towards people most of the time.
So between the bear and the gator. If both are chill, it really wouldn't matter either which way. If they're both out to get you, oh boy I don't like either odds, since gators can run faster than most people, even sprint in very short distances upwards of 35mph, and are also weirdly good at climbing. For the record, Bears also top out at around the same speed as gators, but can maintain that speed for longer. Bears can also climb as well. In the water, though, gators have a huuuge advantage.
I'd still choose the gator, but it's not as black and white as it could be.
If their are sizable trees around I would pick a Hippo over a tiger or bear. That said I'd pick the gator over them all unless I was being dropped into water.
Need more rules. Are they acting naturally or do they all have a blood thirsty need to brutally kill you at all costs?
Does it take place in their preferred territory?
How big is the fighting area?
Like am I taking on the hippo and croc on a shore line or in a field.
If they have an insane need to kill you and nothing will stop them and it takes place where they are at their best with boundaries to this fighting zone then all 4 kill you.
Why am I delusional enough to think that my cats love me so much, I could get a tiger on my side? Some squinty eyes and chin scratches. That’s all I need, right?
Because they would probably like that confidence and accept neck rubs (but not belly rubs, always a trap)
At the very least, if we are trapped in a room with a tiger, I am totally going to encourage you to go for it. lol
It's so crazy. They don't even want to eat you. Without weapons, we're absolutely no threat to them whatsoever, but they're tubby amphibious murder tanks. They don't need a reason to kill. Fuck you. That's why.
Just because they don’t want to eat you doesn’t mean the won’t eat you. Male hippos will often murder young offspring of female hippos in order to mate with them. Sometimes they also eat the baby hippo for shits and giggles
Infanticide is shockingly common in nature, specifically as a way to get a female ready to produce another offspring.
Anyone that argues something is bad because it's "unnatural" is implicitly claiming that "natural" things are good, and they can be dismissed. Nature is fucking brutal.
Yeah they just bounce off the bottom as they move through water, which sounds kinda funny. They can’t float and they also can’t jump while on land. They can move pretty fast though, like 20+ mph.
"Amphibious murder tank" is a description used above. It's true. They're easily irritated and much faster than they look, both on land and in water. You will become unrecognizable paste if one is annoyed.
You should look up a video of them eating whole watermelons and just chewing them like they're a piece of candy. It's very... informative, especially when you consider a human head in place of the watermelon.
Also fun fact (actually fun, somehow), hippos minmaxed their tankiness by becoming so dense that they sink to the bottom of rivers, thus while their swimming speed is basically zero they can just ignore that and *run underwater*. They also have a pretty good lung capacity.
You see that fat on the hippo? Yeah that's not fat that's pure muscle that's bullet proof unless you have a very strong gun. Combine that with thier size and attitude to get the hardest fight of you life.
Hippo is definitely last one I'd pick but I can also say it depends on the room cause they can't jump or climb. (Even then croc is better option cause it can bulldoze most structures I bet)
I was very hungover one morning so I turned on Animal Planet and I was watching the sweet hippos frolic in the water and it was delightful and then one ate its young.
I mean, I'd pick the hippo if I had a sturdy enough tree and a large enough headstart to climb it. But I'm guessing the guy handing out $100 mil isn't that generous.
Absolutely picking the gator I am from Florida I've had to move these buggers before they can rip your arm off in one move if your not careful but there overall pretty harmless if handled with care
Oh your dead Alligators are ambush predators you'll feel a tug you'll go for a quick roll and that'll be it . There's a reason you will never see an alligator show where the tamer goes into the water with them
are they attacking me or just acting naturally? If it's the latter the bear is probably the least likelly to attack unprovoked.
But if they are trying to kill me I choose the Croc.
Why did I just imagine one of those money booths with the air jets, but filled with 1 bear and a whole bunch of cocaine.
Let the bear take several good deep breaths, then the bottom drops out and "Hey, Contestant! Meet Mr. Bear! He's hungry, energetic, and happy to meat you!"
Ehhhhh that’s a grizzly
If it was a black bear I’m chill but grizzlies are way less docile
Alligators are super unbothered by basically everything - so unless you look like prey or startle them in the water you’re totally chill. crocodiles are more aggressive but that’s not a croc)
Is it a Grizzly or another subspecies of brown bear? Regardless, brown bears tend to avoid humans and rarely attack on sight unless provoked or starving.
I do think gators are even more chill usually though.
Oh it might be, I’m in black bear country and I see the brown lads only when traveling
Either way all brown bears are more likely to get violent when threatened than the black bears. They’re still pretty chill if you give them space but I’d rather be trapped with a gator than a brown bear lol
Tigers are actually quite docile once they know you're human. Tiger attacks are relatively rare and usually only happen due to mistaken identity (mistaking a crouching human for a four-legged animal), running around them (tigers love to chase), or provoking them. Apparently human doesn't taste good.
I think my bigger concern with the Tiger, and perhaps the bear as well, is that even if it's not being aggressive and instead just investigating....it can fuck you up essentially unintentionally.
20 minutes in a shared space with the gator will likely be 20 minutes of me and this gator just starring at each other....me being motionless, and the gator being even more motionless. The tiger and bear is going to be two large mammals trying to determine what this much smaller mammal is while said smaller mammal tries to play it cool. And the hippo is just me getting destroyed by a hippo that didn't like that I exist.
Probably the bear, possibly the tiger, no power on Earth will make me feel safe around the hippo.
I mean, this is assuming everything is starting from neutral and none of them are especially angry, ill, in pain, or hungry.
(The alligator is a toss-up because I don't know enough about reptile behavior to recognize the danger signals.)
For the gator keep your distance and you're fine. If you're not in the water they generally don't want none. They hiss if they're getting pissed off as well but if you can hear that you were already too close
Going with assuming they're in a neutral state, you just walk away and keep an eye on big snappy then collect your cash prize
Pick the bear if you have to deal with the gator in the water though!
Gators usually like to rest at the edge of some water. Their entire feeding strategy is to wait quietly until some animal gets too close and then lunge at it. As long as you stay 20-30 ft away, you'll be fine.
They almost never chase you for more than a few feet.
My Floridian wife periodically informs me you have to run away in a zig-zag. Straight line speed is crazy, but not so much changing directions.
Edit: I mean I'm sure the odds are still against you there, but you're not winning a straight sprint.
Your floridian wife is exhibiting a commonly stated but ultimately false survival tactic.
Saying an alligator runs 35mph is like saying humans on average can move at 20mph casually because we can snap our fingers. That is to say they can move at 35mph for approximately half a second. Which is definitely terrifying if you were in that range but if you're less than 10 metres away from an alligator you deserve it.
Realistically a chasing crocodile is much more comfortable running at 9.5mph, not only slower than the average human but they also lack the stamina and desire to chase you for very long. Alligators don't hunt by chasing they're ambush predators. The second you run off they go back to hiding.
Simply put by running straight at full speed you lesce their attack range quicker than doing zigzags, and doing zigzags increases your chances of tripping, slipping, rolling your ankle or any other form of tumble that will leave you vulnerable if the alligator *really* wants to eat you.
Run in a straight line or run diagonally in a straught line if you want to feel extra safe because yeah they do suck at turning. But running in zigzags isn't going to increase your survival rate at all.
Other than that short sprint, an average person running in a straight line can run faster than an alligator, and for far longer. That was my immediate thought for those questions: an alligator is the only one of these animals you can just outrun, even if it wants to chase you.
Am I nuts? Or maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.
The tiger will probably not mess with you if you look at it.
The bear won't stay anywhere near you if you announce your presence.
The alligator probably won't move at all. Stay away from the edge of the water.
The hippo moves faster than you do on both land and in water. It will try to kill you simply because it's made out of rage and territorial instincts. If you manage to climb a tree it can't knock down it might wait out of sight to ambush you.
So anything but the hippo please. Strong preference for the alligator, especially if I'm allowed to toss them chicken nuggets.
1 gator: be just chill and do barely nothing I hope
2 tiger: might be chill. if not it makes real quick process
3 bear: might be chill, but will eat me alive groin to head.
4 hippo: will be pissed from the very first second
I pick the tiger. They're ambush predators, so they usually won't attack someone who's looking at them. Just make eye contact and do the slow blink then keep it in my line of sight. Easy $100 million
If you screw up though, you’re 100% dead.
Reason I pick the gator is because not only is it unlikely to attack, but it’s the only one here that a human has *any* chance of surviving or escaping an attack on their own instead of just getting very lucky.
Will probably not attack and if it does you'd have a solid chance of survival: gator (at least I think it's a gator, could be a croc)
Will probably not attack but if they do you're absolutely fucked: grizzly, tiger
Will almost certainly attack and if they do you're absolutely fucked EXCEPT if you can climb a sturdy tree: hippo
hear me out. it says survive 20 mins with, not “fight and survive”. even then the gator is the most obvious choice, but i feel the bear and tiger are doable.
the thing with predators is, they will only attack you in 2 scenarios: 1) either you provoke them or 2) they think you’re food.
obviously, don’t provoke them. for the 2nd situation, it’s obvious that you’re not their daily diet, which means they’re not used to hunting you, so they’re likely gonna be curious as to who you are. if you can avoid shitting your pants in fear, try and appear as big as you can, make loud noises. if you can make them think that you’re not worth the effort of hunting you down, you can make it past 20 minutes.
however in no circumstances should you pick the hippopotamus. animals like them, think everyone else is trying to kill them, so they will charge unprovoked out of survival instinct.
if anyone here is more well read on animal behaviour please feel free to add on/ correct me if
About the hippos all I can say is that the very experienced guides I was with in Kenya disagree with you. One camping ground was at the same spot as they grazed at during the night. There are some rules you should follow of course but then it’s not that dangerous.
I would pick the alligator without hesitation. The tiger and the bear are both very dangerous but no amount of money could get me to pick the hippo. Maybe if I was in an indestructible cage on a crane but otherwise, no. Fuck that hippo.
Gator definitely. As long as you don't get too close or piss them off they don't give a shit about humans. Source: I live in Florida
Plus, they’re not that hard to fight off if you have something hard. They’re not used to being whacked with a frying pan.
I heard you can also hold their jaw shut pretty easily, cause they have very strong muscles to close it but very weak to open
That’s what I’ve seen. I don’t think I’d be willing to try it without experience, but in a life or death situation, well. Might as well.
How tf does one gain experience wrestling alligators
In Florida, of course. DNR game wardens, baby. Animal control. Rescues. Lots of stuff!
I know a 90 year old lady who is a gator trapper
Why im not shocked that there's professional like that lol
Because Florida.
Have you not watch Steve Irwin ever?
He didn't have as much experience with alligators
While probably true, from what I remember crocodiles are usually more aggressive than alligators.
Significantly, at least Salties are. Those are the ones that Steve Irwin was famous for working with. They far outgrow gators, and actively hunt humans as food.
they teach it in florida elementary school
Not kidding but they did teach us to run zig zag to evade them in elementary school and we’d run “get away from gator” games in PE
Wrestling them I'd assume
Realise that the only animal here that people regularly wrestle to subdue is gator.
You could be having lunch by any small body of water in Florida and a child or pet could be attacked in the blink of an eye by these things. Wrestling gators is a thing.
Honestly start small and just slowly move your way up as you get comfortable, just like dirt bikes.
See, holding their jaw shut isn't the hard part. The hard part is actually getting into position to do that in the first place.
Also any appendage they do get a hold of is most assuredly going to be separated from you.
While true, I think I prefer that to wtv a Bear, Tiger or Hippo can do to me tbh.
I grew up watching a dude in cargo shorts jump on them. I've been training for this my entire life
 Yes, those are pretty fast, with paws strong enough to pull huge animals. Being on its back will be a hell of a ride.
That's a croc though
A decade or so ago I hired a licensed gator “removal & relocation” company to get several gators out of an industrial pond in the south. It ended up being one guy named Jack with a pickup truck, Jon boat, steaks on big treble hooks and a revolver. He’d snare the gators with the steaks and hooks, then pull up along side them in the Jon boat. If they were longer than the boat (~9 ft), jack said he’d shoot them because they were too dangerous to handle. If they were shorter than the boat he’d tow them to shore which was where it ended up getting exciting for me. I stood nearby and watched Jack pull the first one up on the bank, intending to play the role of a witness ready to call 911. This gator did not seem happy about being hooked and pulled across a pond. Jack tossed a wet towel on the gator’s head and jumped right on top of its back with zero hesitation. The gator was as big or bigger than Jack and it surprised me by really only writhing side to side and not rolling. Jack held its mouth closed with both hands and yelled for me to grab the tape from the boat. I didn’t know I was supposed to be participating, but it didn’t feel like it was a good time to discuss the exact scope of work I had hired Jack to perform, so I grabbed the roll of electrical tape and tried to hand it to him and he instead lifted the gators head and yelled “10 wraps!” I frantically wrapped the tape 10 times around this gators mouth while I could feel its breath on my arms. After probably 15 wraps I scrambled away and Jack dismounted the gator. We then lifted it into his truck and he pretty carefully went about removing the hook from its mouth and secured it to haul to a nearby state conservation area. We pulled 5 more live gators out that afternoon and to this day I don’t understand how it went so smoothly. My only role was taping and lifting, but this guy Jack made the entire process look easy. So yeah, I’ll take gator and I’d like to request a towel and a roll of electrical tape.
Screw towel and tape. I would bring Jack.
True, but one must also remember that while you’re holding the jaws shut, the rest of the 350-500 kg (440-1,100 lb) reptile’s body is free to move about however it pleases.
That’s why you see the people who wrestle them down on YouTube get on top of the gator’s back. They can hold the mouth shut and prevent a lot of the flailing it would otherwise do.
If it’s just one person and like a 10-12 foot gator it would be be pretty hard to keep it still/not get whipped by its tail. Usually with ones that large you see 2-3 people jump it at once
Very true. It all depends on what Gator you’re going after but unlike with the others it is possible for a single person to wrestle down a Gator. Good luck even trying to do that with the others lol
To be fair to them, I don’t think there were that many cases of something trying to keep their mouths shut so there would be no evolutionary advantage
I’m assuming that’s why the people that catch them are able to use tape of all things to keep their jaws shut
Even better, just put your hand on the front of their nose. They strike sideways, they just kinda go dumb if you're right in front and on top.
I know from experience a screwdriver is all you need. It gets the job done. Lol
Obviously you're not just gonna say that then not tell us the story, right?
Sounds like they screwed a gator
You just need to find the agression knob and set it to off the screwdriver helps with those tiny setting knobs, but in a pinch you can use a dime
works fine on flat-head alligators, not so much on phillips-head alligators
I don't think anything is used to a frying pan
I don't think a frying pan would slow down the hippo much. The other 3 would probably have their brain scrambled for at least a fraction of a second.
I doubt the grizzly would care either. The tiger might fuck right off if you somehow managed to hit it before it hit you though.
I've seen a man single-handedly restrain a gator, several times. I've never seen a man successfully take on any of the others.
Or use your shirt or something to tie their mouth shut. Bear and tiger have claws even if you do tie their mouth shut, and good luck wrapping anything around a hippo mouth.
I've heard alligators and crocodiles are like black bears and grizzly bears. Super chill and not really bothersome to humans (as long as you leave them alone vs very super dangerous to humans
I remember reading somewhere the indigenous people in Florida hunt and eat Aligators but steer clear of Crocodiles.
People eat gator all throughout LA,FL and southern parts of MS,AL,GA,FL. They are becoming pests and gator farms are popping up for meat consumption.
As long as you aren't an elderly woman with a small dog, sure.
I’m sorry for your loss 😞
100% the alligator. Alligator wresting is a roadside attraction & sport. Which means it’s doable. Trying to fight any of the others would be a blood sport or straight up feeding time.
Is it a blood sport if the hippo swallows you whole and there’s no blood?
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,567,821,376 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 32,073 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
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Hippocrates. Hippodrome. Hippotenuse (I know it's spelt differently, I want to trigger the bot once more)
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So if I say "hippo" then HippoBot will show up?
Ever see them eat a watermelon? You'd explode like a water balloon in the jaws of a hippo.
Hippos don't want to eat you. They're herbivores. They kill more people than any other animal because they're fleshy tanks filled with hatred.
It's interesting to consider how they arrived at that point. Some herbivores eat things that don't run but are very good at running. The other school of herbivore is to be bad at running (but it doesn't matter because plants can't flee) and use all their energy being too tough to mess with. Humans ate a bunch of the latter because we figured out tools but rhinos and hippos grew up in the same neighborhood while we were figuring that out and their solution was to be mad all the time so we couldn't pull anything sneaky on them.
Hippos chew, and they absolutely have the tools to do so
For the gator you just have to clamp its mouth shut or stand on it. They have a lot of bite down strength but not a lot of opening their mouth strength so it’s relatively easy to keep their mouth shut so it can’t bite you.
They’re also really slow when not moving in a straight line, so just put something between the gator and you and you should be alright
and if you fail, you just sold an arm for $100 million. I've seen worse deals.
With a gator, so long as you can keep your limbs out of its mouth you should be fine. Hell, you should be able to keep its mouth shut pretty easily, too; their jaws are much better at closing than opening. Failing that, you can probably just get on its back and avoid the rest of it.
It doesn't say anything about fighting any of them, though. Bears aren't always aggressive to people, it mostly depends on the season, and whether it's a momma bear with cubs nearby. Hippos and Tigers, wouldn't risk it at all. Gators also aren't terribly aggressive towards people most of the time. So between the bear and the gator. If both are chill, it really wouldn't matter either which way. If they're both out to get you, oh boy I don't like either odds, since gators can run faster than most people, even sprint in very short distances upwards of 35mph, and are also weirdly good at climbing. For the record, Bears also top out at around the same speed as gators, but can maintain that speed for longer. Bears can also climb as well. In the water, though, gators have a huuuge advantage. I'd still choose the gator, but it's not as black and white as it could be.
If their are sizable trees around I would pick a Hippo over a tiger or bear. That said I'd pick the gator over them all unless I was being dropped into water.
I think gator is safer. It's the only one an untrained, unarmed person *might* be able to incapacitate
How close to is ‘spending time with’ one? Like how big is the enclosure?
Backseat of a Volkswagen.
Perfect. I pick the hippo then, cause ain’t no way both of us fat asses can fit in the Volkswagen at the same time.
Both of you can fit, easy... hippo in the backsteat and you in the hippo's stomach...
Well?! Did he cum?!
I got that reference.
Is it a Mallrats quote?
Need more rules. Are they acting naturally or do they all have a blood thirsty need to brutally kill you at all costs? Does it take place in their preferred territory? How big is the fighting area? Like am I taking on the hippo and croc on a shore line or in a field. If they have an insane need to kill you and nothing will stop them and it takes place where they are at their best with boundaries to this fighting zone then all 4 kill you.
People wrestle alligators sometimes. No one wrestles the other three ever, because that's called suicide.
If we’re giving them ideal territory you would be in a river for the gator so it’s still certain death.
Why am I delusional enough to think that my cats love me so much, I could get a tiger on my side? Some squinty eyes and chin scratches. That’s all I need, right?
Tiger's just a big cat I guess? Just don't pet it's belly.
Tiger rolls over… ooooh belly rubs. Death. Instant death.
I fall for that trick every single time, like at least twice a day. Then those adorable little paws clamp down on my hand like a bear trap.
Because you dont realize your cats would kill you if you were prey-sized. Guess what a tiger is? A cat for whom you're prey-sized.
Because they would probably like that confidence and accept neck rubs (but not belly rubs, always a trap) At the very least, if we are trapped in a room with a tiger, I am totally going to encourage you to go for it. lol
I’ll simply pet the kitty.
If not Fren why Fren shaped?
Because you food shape an it makes it easier for you to be food for him :)
 Come on. Do you really think this little guy would ever harm a fly? Or a zebra?
Worth it.
Here pspspspspsps
Just don't spspspspspspsp.
I’d win if I had a laser pointer
I mean, if I ever go out, it will be from trying to pet a wild cat. This is just expediting the process.
Sensational
I'll go cuddle with the bear.
The only thing I can say with absolute certainty is that ain't nobody picking the hippo
Someone who doesn't know anything about hippos is probably picking the hippo. They look like they just eat plants and mind their own business.
Hippo life: eat plants, mind your own business, and kill 22 times as many people as lions annually
It's so crazy. They don't even want to eat you. Without weapons, we're absolutely no threat to them whatsoever, but they're tubby amphibious murder tanks. They don't need a reason to kill. Fuck you. That's why.
Just because they don’t want to eat you doesn’t mean the won’t eat you. Male hippos will often murder young offspring of female hippos in order to mate with them. Sometimes they also eat the baby hippo for shits and giggles
Infanticide is shockingly common in nature, specifically as a way to get a female ready to produce another offspring. Anyone that argues something is bad because it's "unnatural" is implicitly claiming that "natural" things are good, and they can be dismissed. Nature is fucking brutal.
> Nature is fucking brutal. And that's just on earth, Nature is even more less forgiving once you leave the planet.
The reason is that you are in their territory
Actually hippos will travel out of their territory for the hell of it and still kill anything that looks at them wrong
They also can’t fucking swim so they bounce off the bottom of the lake and charge through the water like a malfunctioning submarine.
Damn, TIL. But I looked it up and indeed, hippos can’t swim and just sort of sink and run around on the bottom. Wild
Yeah they just bounce off the bottom as they move through water, which sounds kinda funny. They can’t float and they also can’t jump while on land. They can move pretty fast though, like 20+ mph.
And lie.
* charge they phone, kill people eating hot chip, be bisexual, and lie.
Someone who knows nothing about hippos here, can confirm my first thought was “I bet the hippo is probably chill”
"Amphibious murder tank" is a description used above. It's true. They're easily irritated and much faster than they look, both on land and in water. You will become unrecognizable paste if one is annoyed.
You should look up a video of them eating whole watermelons and just chewing them like they're a piece of candy. It's very... informative, especially when you consider a human head in place of the watermelon. Also fun fact (actually fun, somehow), hippos minmaxed their tankiness by becoming so dense that they sink to the bottom of rivers, thus while their swimming speed is basically zero they can just ignore that and *run underwater*. They also have a pretty good lung capacity.
You see that fat on the hippo? Yeah that's not fat that's pure muscle that's bullet proof unless you have a very strong gun. Combine that with thier size and attitude to get the hardest fight of you life.
Hippos have a great PR team.
HIPPOBOT 9000 v 3.1 FOUND A HIPPO. 1,567,777,607 COMMENTS SEARCHED. 32,069 HIPPOS FOUND. YOUR COMMENT CONTAINS THE WORD HIPPO.
Good bot
They also helicopter their shit off their ass with their tail as they poop
Thank you for the information
Hippo is definitely last one I'd pick but I can also say it depends on the room cause they can't jump or climb. (Even then croc is better option cause it can bulldoze most structures I bet)
The Daleks of the animal kingdom.
That’s unfair to the hippos because the Daleks can fly.
Gators can climb trees. Hippo is weirdly the safest option if there's terrain, despite being the most dangerous statistically
I was very hungover one morning so I turned on Animal Planet and I was watching the sweet hippos frolic in the water and it was delightful and then one ate its young.
I mean, I'd pick the hippo if I had a sturdy enough tree and a large enough headstart to climb it. But I'm guessing the guy handing out $100 mil isn't that generous.
Absolutely picking the gator I am from Florida I've had to move these buggers before they can rip your arm off in one move if your not careful but there overall pretty harmless if handled with care
I can buy a pretty cool prosthesis for $100 million.
Same. Been around them a lot. Like... just don't.. walk into their mouths. Otherwise they just kind of chill.
Literally just gestured at them with a rake they would make a fuss but then fuck off back to the water
"Argh, they waved in my general direction! My plans for dinner have been thwarted!"
What if you picked the gator and it was in a gigantic enclosed waist high pool of water.
Oh your dead Alligators are ambush predators you'll feel a tug you'll go for a quick roll and that'll be it . There's a reason you will never see an alligator show where the tamer goes into the water with them
[So long, gay Bowser.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OCh2l0J1uJk)
are they attacking me or just acting naturally? If it's the latter the bear is probably the least likelly to attack unprovoked. But if they are trying to kill me I choose the Croc.
If you’re getting 100m you best believe they’ll even coke them up before they release them to attack you lol
Imagine being the guy whose job is to coke up the attack bear
lol either lettin him smack handfuls into his snout or a clean edge lab coat with a scoopula haha
Why did I just imagine one of those money booths with the air jets, but filled with 1 bear and a whole bunch of cocaine. Let the bear take several good deep breaths, then the bottom drops out and "Hey, Contestant! Meet Mr. Bear! He's hungry, energetic, and happy to meat you!"
Oh hey I saw that documentary
They're called cocaine bearers.
Either way the hippo is the worst option
They'll crunch your bones for being in the vicinity
Ehhhhh that’s a grizzly If it was a black bear I’m chill but grizzlies are way less docile Alligators are super unbothered by basically everything - so unless you look like prey or startle them in the water you’re totally chill. crocodiles are more aggressive but that’s not a croc)
Is it a Grizzly or another subspecies of brown bear? Regardless, brown bears tend to avoid humans and rarely attack on sight unless provoked or starving. I do think gators are even more chill usually though.
Oh it might be, I’m in black bear country and I see the brown lads only when traveling Either way all brown bears are more likely to get violent when threatened than the black bears. They’re still pretty chill if you give them space but I’d rather be trapped with a gator than a brown bear lol
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That’s a gator and it is way less aggressive than the bear
Hippobot is loving this post
Psss pssss pssss. Here kitty kitty.
Tigers are actually quite docile once they know you're human. Tiger attacks are relatively rare and usually only happen due to mistaken identity (mistaking a crouching human for a four-legged animal), running around them (tigers love to chase), or provoking them. Apparently human doesn't taste good.
I think my bigger concern with the Tiger, and perhaps the bear as well, is that even if it's not being aggressive and instead just investigating....it can fuck you up essentially unintentionally. 20 minutes in a shared space with the gator will likely be 20 minutes of me and this gator just starring at each other....me being motionless, and the gator being even more motionless. The tiger and bear is going to be two large mammals trying to determine what this much smaller mammal is while said smaller mammal tries to play it cool. And the hippo is just me getting destroyed by a hippo that didn't like that I exist.
My little kitty cat would have killed me 100 times over while playing if she were a tiger.
Probably the bear, possibly the tiger, no power on Earth will make me feel safe around the hippo. I mean, this is assuming everything is starting from neutral and none of them are especially angry, ill, in pain, or hungry. (The alligator is a toss-up because I don't know enough about reptile behavior to recognize the danger signals.)
For the gator keep your distance and you're fine. If you're not in the water they generally don't want none. They hiss if they're getting pissed off as well but if you can hear that you were already too close Going with assuming they're in a neutral state, you just walk away and keep an eye on big snappy then collect your cash prize Pick the bear if you have to deal with the gator in the water though!
Let’s assume all the animals are hungry/cranky, and you’re in an open 50 yard square space. The gator’s space has water up to calf deep in places.
Gators usually like to rest at the edge of some water. Their entire feeding strategy is to wait quietly until some animal gets too close and then lunge at it. As long as you stay 20-30 ft away, you'll be fine. They almost never chase you for more than a few feet.
But they can chase you. They can sustain speeds of 11mph on land, even hitting up to 35mph in a short sprint.
My Floridian wife periodically informs me you have to run away in a zig-zag. Straight line speed is crazy, but not so much changing directions. Edit: I mean I'm sure the odds are still against you there, but you're not winning a straight sprint.
Your floridian wife is exhibiting a commonly stated but ultimately false survival tactic. Saying an alligator runs 35mph is like saying humans on average can move at 20mph casually because we can snap our fingers. That is to say they can move at 35mph for approximately half a second. Which is definitely terrifying if you were in that range but if you're less than 10 metres away from an alligator you deserve it. Realistically a chasing crocodile is much more comfortable running at 9.5mph, not only slower than the average human but they also lack the stamina and desire to chase you for very long. Alligators don't hunt by chasing they're ambush predators. The second you run off they go back to hiding. Simply put by running straight at full speed you lesce their attack range quicker than doing zigzags, and doing zigzags increases your chances of tripping, slipping, rolling your ankle or any other form of tumble that will leave you vulnerable if the alligator *really* wants to eat you. Run in a straight line or run diagonally in a straught line if you want to feel extra safe because yeah they do suck at turning. But running in zigzags isn't going to increase your survival rate at all.
This sounds like the zig zag sniper prevention myth.
Other than that short sprint, an average person running in a straight line can run faster than an alligator, and for far longer. That was my immediate thought for those questions: an alligator is the only one of these animals you can just outrun, even if it wants to chase you.
Am I nuts? Or maybe deep down I'm afraid of any apex predator that lived through the K-T extinction. Physically unchanged for a hundred million years, because it's the perfect killing machine. A half ton of cold-blooded fury, the bite force of 20,000 Newtons, and stomach acid so strong it can dissolve bones and hoofs.
🎶Waiting for the night🎶
And fear is their bacon bits!
They didn't survive by eating humans
It's the perfect aquatic ambush predator. Unless you're floating down the river, you're pretty safe
they survived that long by being chill mfs
Hippo is the deadliest option by far.
The tiger will probably not mess with you if you look at it. The bear won't stay anywhere near you if you announce your presence. The alligator probably won't move at all. Stay away from the edge of the water. The hippo moves faster than you do on both land and in water. It will try to kill you simply because it's made out of rage and territorial instincts. If you manage to climb a tree it can't knock down it might wait out of sight to ambush you. So anything but the hippo please. Strong preference for the alligator, especially if I'm allowed to toss them chicken nuggets.
bear, location: river bank with a lot of dandelions and fish, it eat the dandilions and I catch fish for it, friend made, I pat the big doggy
Bear goes to return the pat and rips your scalp clean off.
I’d tank it
Calvin lived with a tiger who had human intelligence for years I'll be fine
The tiger because I'm really good at going pspspspspsps
I'd get $100 million *and* I'd get to fuck a tiger? Count me in
... what
1 gator: be just chill and do barely nothing I hope 2 tiger: might be chill. if not it makes real quick process 3 bear: might be chill, but will eat me alive groin to head. 4 hippo: will be pissed from the very first second
The scary thing is hippos don’t even want to eat you. They’re just that angry.
Under no circumstances does one ever pick the fucking hippo
Are they mad at me or just there
The hippo is definitely mad at you.
Depends on the environment, no way am I choosing the grizzly or tiger regardless.
I pick the tiger. They're ambush predators, so they usually won't attack someone who's looking at them. Just make eye contact and do the slow blink then keep it in my line of sight. Easy $100 million
If you screw up though, you’re 100% dead. Reason I pick the gator is because not only is it unlikely to attack, but it’s the only one here that a human has *any* chance of surviving or escaping an attack on their own instead of just getting very lucky.
Gotta go with “man”
It’s not thaaat difficult to juke a croc as long as you are not taking a swim with it.
Will probably not attack and if it does you'd have a solid chance of survival: gator (at least I think it's a gator, could be a croc) Will probably not attack but if they do you're absolutely fucked: grizzly, tiger Will almost certainly attack and if they do you're absolutely fucked EXCEPT if you can climb a sturdy tree: hippo
hear me out. it says survive 20 mins with, not “fight and survive”. even then the gator is the most obvious choice, but i feel the bear and tiger are doable. the thing with predators is, they will only attack you in 2 scenarios: 1) either you provoke them or 2) they think you’re food. obviously, don’t provoke them. for the 2nd situation, it’s obvious that you’re not their daily diet, which means they’re not used to hunting you, so they’re likely gonna be curious as to who you are. if you can avoid shitting your pants in fear, try and appear as big as you can, make loud noises. if you can make them think that you’re not worth the effort of hunting you down, you can make it past 20 minutes. however in no circumstances should you pick the hippopotamus. animals like them, think everyone else is trying to kill them, so they will charge unprovoked out of survival instinct. if anyone here is more well read on animal behaviour please feel free to add on/ correct me if
About the hippos all I can say is that the very experienced guides I was with in Kenya disagree with you. One camping ground was at the same spot as they grazed at during the night. There are some rules you should follow of course but then it’s not that dangerous.
Goes to Zoo. Collects $400 million.
I would pick the alligator without hesitation. The tiger and the bear are both very dangerous but no amount of money could get me to pick the hippo. Maybe if I was in an indestructible cage on a crane but otherwise, no. Fuck that hippo.
Gator, and it isn't close. If you manage to get their jaws closed they are can't really hurt you. Those jaws are made for closing, not opening.
Success rates: Alligator: 85% Bear: 50% Tiger: 35% Hippo: enjoy the afterlife, bro
Not saying the other options are any better but gators can run 20-35 mph